Dragon Friends - #2.06. The Bravest Man In Wickshire with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: May 18, 2016

The Dragon Friends make their way to Wickshire, a small mining community full of fascinating tradesmen and local colour. Philge throws up all over a pig.Featuring special guests Carlo Ritchie (The Bear Pack) & musician Chris Dendle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dragon Friends If it's spooky don't be frightened Dragon Friends Carry home and bar the door Stay like air And the fiends and ghouls delight in things that's scarce Be well aware as you make your way Don't be led astray for the goal is near

And your friends are here And there's plenty more in store Wise children are taught to stay out of the Svalich woods at night. It is a place of old magic and a place of danger. However, you have no choice but to brave it tonight, for where else can the four

of you turn? With one of you a werewolf wrapped in chains, one still poisoned in some indiscriminate way that we haven't established. Spiders, spiders, spiders. And two of you either injured or... Handsome. There is little place of warmth for you.

But onwards, your new friend, Edvard Oswick, if we can call him that yet, lives in the town of Wickshire, which is just 30 minutes walk. He's not travelled very far. Or 10 minutes by cart. Give or take. But lacking a cart, he's able to show you through the woods the secret paths known only to those of Wicksia, just by the lake of Lake Zarevich, which is dedicated to mining the iron deep beneath the Dreadmount in the north of Barovia. So the four of you now with your new friend, which makes five, travel onwards and soon you can see the flickering lights

of civilization, small and humble as it may be, ahead. But what welcome can a half-orc, a maniac, a handsome man, and a chained werewolf find in times such as

these? There she is, Wickshire, Pearl of the Golden West. Nobody calls her that. It used to be a million people this era, Wixure, the biggest, grandest city in all the land.

Definitely didn't. But we had to make it smaller so that witches wouldn't take our gold, which we've plenty of. Why, plenty of it. So, Edward, this is mining community.

Yep. You have real Kaiko workers, cut in, cut out. Thank you. Check out that Venn diagram. Man, did you... It's very, very exclusive. Man, that is a joke about work shifts. In mines.

In like WA mining towns. Yeah, yeah. But with carts. Now before we get to Witcher, there's a few things I should warn you of. I'm very famous there and a lot of people are probably going to try and talk to me and touch my cape.

Also, did you try and kill me back in those caves, Freed? For a baker's boy, you certainly are aggressive. Uh, no, I didn't. Anyway, we keep walking. Uh, make, why don't you go ahead and make a, um, deception check? I roll the one.

You, oh wait, plus my charisma is two, so I roll the three. You know what he done. I know what you did. But wouldn't you have done the same thing in my position? Well, that invites a level of self-questioning that I don't frankly like to be subjected to by a baker's boy. invites a level of self-questioning that I don't frankly like to be subjected to by a baker's boy. Now look, just follow my lead,

and I'm sure a witcher will open her glorious golden gates for all of us. Alright, we allow Edvard to walk on in front of us. You're talking for the whole group here. I quickly huddle the other ones together, and I'm like, hey, huddle round. Why are we following this guy? Let me standuddle round. Why are we following this guy? Let me stand next to you. Why are we following this guy?

We need to get this relic back to the town. Why are we following these guys? Why are we following old mate Edvard? I've heard of the town of Wickshire. It is a place. Well, I'm sold. Everyone might know about... The townspeople might know about the vampire. If I can also just jump in here.

As I said, you are... No, I don't think it's your place, Dave. I really... Just stay out of this place. All right, fine. We're trying to have a conversation. No, you guys... Davies has walked off the stage. He's put his microphone down. Dav have a conversation. No, you guys.

Davis has walked off the stage. He's put his microphone down. He's walked away. He's walked away. Sitting with his arms crossed. Let's do this. Eden has now stepped into the DM chair. He's taking his dice and his monster manual and he's going home. Come back, Dave.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. We love you. Come on. Come on. Come on. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.. Come on. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. back, Dave. We love you. Come back, Dave. Dave, Dave. Come back. He's back to work. He's back. That was easy. How quickly it falls apart. All I was going to say there was that you are lost. Anyway. You are lost in the woods.

You don't know where you are. You don't know where Castle Ravenloft is from here. You couldn't find your way back to Barovia if you tried. So, Wickshire, you also lost your horses because Friso killed them. So, this is probably the only settlement where you can stay. Alright, we march on I for one then will march on to Wickshire. And this is a tree that I like to look at sometimes when I come out on this way. And I

think that it's an oak. Can I do a perception check to check Edvard for Asperger's? I rolled an 18. Well, as he once said, it takes a man who knows tall tales to tell tall tales. Edvard, we should quicken our pace. Oh no, a slow pace is best for these woods, else the old witch might find you.

Who's this old witch? Hello! Oh, I guess she found us. Evening, Mrs. Shiropp. Oh, fuck. Mrs. Shiropp, I was just showing these strangers into our fair town. Oh, aren't you dead yet? Nice one, Mrs. Shirorop. I'll be seeing you

later. On we go. Keep walking past the lady. Hold on a goddamn second. Mrs. Shyrop, are you a witch? Yeah! What's the deal with this guy? Oh, he's an eejit. Which is what we call the cleverest man in the district around these parts.

No, it has the same meaning here as is popularly told. Of course, in Old Barovian, though, that means great at swimming. He's right about that. But in the common parlance, the meaning of the word has changed with the movements of the world. As you get closer to Wickshire, you see a kind of shitty mining community. Maybe...

Is it the kind of mining community that's had to do a strip show dance to save its town? You know, if you find your way to Wickshire's tavern, you might find the answer to that question. It's a reference to the movie The Full Monty, everybody. Sorry, Dave. Continue.

No, that was all I had. Okay. This is the town square where I once flew 20 feet in the air and landed safely on my head. Okay. Is Bobby still a werewolf? Is it still night time? Yeah, so you're going to have to actually make a decision. Are you going to just drag him into the town? In chains?

Wait, are we in the town square or are we at the gates? No, you're not. He's indicating. Are there guards at the gates? No. It's really a shitty small town. It's also the middle of the night so everyone is actually aside from Mrs. Stropshire is in bed. She likes her walk, she does.

Can I melt down? Let's just go to Edward's house and like you know, make ourselves comfortable. The old Oswick manor. Alright then, but I warn you she's luxuries too good for your kind. You find a small

mud-based hovel. What is a hovel? Is that a hole? It's like a cross between a home and a hole. It's like a hole in the roof. We had to disguise it with sinister magic so that people wouldn't come to steal our precious diamond hoard. Alright, I'm doing another perception check.

Oops, I rolled doing another perception check Oops I rolled a one, dammit You've heard of magic like this before And you instantly want its power I can see in your eyes, Baker's son That you've found the jackpot Don't steal our diamonds Edward

I have gone on good authority jackpot. Don't steal our diamonds. Edvard? Ja? I have gone on good authority. There is a hoard of diamonds somewhere in this here hovel. And I, by which I mean you told me. And I demand you show me these diamonds, lest you face my warlockian wrath. Well, first you have to meet my

parents, Lady and Lord Ostwick. Let's knock at the old door now. The secret knock. Knock, knock. Knock. Knock. Edward.

Edward! Do you want to be beaten by your father again? Of course not, Mother. Not for being too handsome. That's what she must have beat me for last time. Yes, I'm his mother. I heard his dumb idiot voice. Oh, what the

fuck? Very good at swimming. Mr. and Mrs. Ostwick, we come wanting your diamonds. So, Ma Ostwick, you see at the door a bedraggled crew of thieves, brigands And a werewolf in chains What's shaking, Mama?

You! Who's been stealing my chickens? No way, no how Robert doesn't steal no chickens All right, all right Robert steals faces I don't buy it Listen Now, I'm very sorry Robert Stills' faces. I don't find... Listen.

Now, I'm very sorry that this curse has befallen you. But my son is an idiot. And any who he brings here are not welcome. Please leave. Me perhaps have planned for you. Oh, Christ, what the fuck? Oh, Jesus.

You are large. Large mean very good swimmer, also. Me understand. Let's just say you put us up for the night, and then we take your son on

big adventure. Please come in. Last four. Make yourselves at home. Make yourselves at home. Here. Rest up on these piles of burlap. And in the morning, you should all go to the... Far away. Far away.

And take my son, and don't bring him back. I hope he finds fame and fortune elsewhere. Anywhere but here. And brings no more shame upon my family. So can we roll some hit dice? Yeah, you all get a hit dice back.

One more constitution check for you. Okay, you're poisoned. Actually, you feel better in the morning. You vomit and you get all the sick out. So Alex vomits up the poison. All over there, nice pig. Yeah, but the pig loves it. Oh.

In the morning. You're welcome, I say to the pig. If you're going to throw up on her, at least rub it in. All right. And then I do. The pig dies of poison? So when we awake, I ask the parents if they know anything of a vampire lurking these parts. Yep.

Absolutely, says the mother. Absolutely, says the mother. Absolutely, says the father. Who we haven't seen much of, so... Oh, hello. I was sleeping over there in the corner. It's kind of winter months, so I sleep quite long hours. He's actually a king in peasant's clothes. Absolutely, I am.

Loves his son. Tell me another thing I like about myself, boy. Why, once you soared so high up, they said, oh, there's two moons in the sky, but one of the moons is golden. And we all had a good laugh, and they wrote a song about it, which we all sing every Easter time. Sing us the song. Too true. All right, let's have a rounding rendition for our guest, boy. Oh, one day a man, he flew up in the sky. And then he was up there, he looked very high.

He said, there's two moons, two moons in the sky. And one of them's golden, that's not a big lie. Oh, brilliant. It's becoming a bizarre tradition in Dragon Friends that if you sing a song, you get an inspiration dice, so congratulations. Well, I am honored. Aye, aye, aye, I've heard of a vampire. Well, it't worry. Aye, aye, aye.

I've heard of a vampire. Well, it's said he's a vampire, but maybe he's just very old and likes drinking blood. Who's to say? He still deserves to die. Who's to say? Well, look, he's the lord of these lands. He don't bother us much around here

because we takes him all his cutlery, which he likes for his dinner parties. You take him cutlery? They make him cutlery. They make all the iron. In fact, they make all the steel, Barovian steel. Does his majesty, is that what he's entitled? He's a baron.

Whatever you call a baron. Does his barony. Baronetto. Does Mr. Baronetto... Neither of those are right. Does he... Will he be requiring a cutlery delivery soon? Look, his man comes down and says,

orders things, we just, you know, do whatever. When was he last here? And how soon will he return? Probably six months ago. Well, that means he's due any day now. Aye, that's possible. You don't mean that old fellow that goes out Old Savish Road. Siflick Road.

Svarlick's Road. Aye. I'm going to do a perception check to see if Edvard is having a stroke. I roll a 10. He's not, believe it or not. All right. All right. Yeah, it is actually.

It's time again for the vampire Strahd's man to come down through the secret road to Wickshire and get a shipment of refined iron, not just cutlery. Thank you for that, Eden, but also... That's all I remember. The forks. Very pretty forks. But also knives, equipment to upgrade his carriages.

Ladles. All the metal work. Your Majesty. Yes? As thanks for your hospitality this evening. I'm sorry about throwing up on your pig. And an apology for throwing up on Bessie the pig.

Handmaiden. Quite alright. We volunteer to carry all the cutlery up to the hill. It's not just cutlery. And ladles. Okay. Not just cutlery. And ladles.

Well, tomorrow... You know what? Make a persuasion check. Trying to persuade me. DC 10. This is Filge, whose charisma is legendary. I perceive that you are trying to persuade me. She is, but she may yet succeed, so... And I like being persuaded.

That's an 18. That is an 18. Persuade away my large... Plus two, I got a 20. Yeah, you do. So that means that he's interested. He, of course, doesn't control the shipment, so he will need to convene.

He'll need to take this to the town. Right, right, right. So have a little nappy-noo. Have a little sleepy-doo. Have a rest, just me and you. I'm not giving you a dice, so stop rhyming. I'll stop.

I'll talk to the Burgermeister in the morning and the blacksmith. We was just going to send old aged face That means handsome lad. Alright. Arnon and the blacksmith. We was just going to send old aged face. That means handsome lad. All right. Down the... Do you want to make a persuasion check?

No. We was going to send him with the cart over the pass in the morning to the waiting post. Old Sparlick Road. Aye, the waiting post on the Old Sparlick Road. On the Old Sparlick Tree. You're welcome to go with him in the morning. It is morning Farlick Road. Aye, the waiting post on the Olds Farlick Road. On the Olds Farlick Tree. You're welcome to go with him. It's morning. It's morning. Hello! Cock-a-doodle-doo.

There seems to be a banging sound from the cellar. Is there a small boy banging on a door? A small naked halfling. I open the cellar door and say, put some clothes on, Bobby. Oh, I love babies.

And he goes over and grabs him under the arms and tickles him and throws him in the air. I bite him on the nose. Oh, he's a live one. I go, oh, sorry, me son is teething. And I pick him up and I cradle him. Quite all right, quite all right. So, Bobby, they didn't pick up your clothes or anything because, like, here, put this bag on him. We've got plenty of burlap.

Swaddle him up. Keep him warm. I swaddle him up real tight because I know what babies are like. You've missed rivets, haven't you? If this wasn't so comforting, I'd object. So, old man Ostwick goes to convene the town practitioners, the blacksmith, the mercer. And while he does, this is a fine opportunity

for Edvard to take you around his town. Oh, I'll show you all the sights. We'll start with the old axe hall. This is where we store all our axes. It's a hall of sorts. What? Can I have a question? Why do you store all of the axes in the one place

And not individually in each other's houses? Oh, good question It all began in the Axe War of 1910 Question You use axes to kill vampires? No, more for chopping trees Cutting things Once I got an axe D dressed it up real nice,

took it to a ball, and they thought I was a prince. Do you want to make a perception check? I'll just try and convince them of that. 11 plus 4. I got a 20. Oh, you got a 20? Yeah, I don't think anything he's telling you is true. And over here is where I stared a dragon to death.

Oh, I see, you're full of shit. And then I just take an axe in front of him and put it in my backpack. And now I have an axe. I actually told Alex before the show she was complaining that she never gets any magic items like the others do, and I said that she was very bad at looting. So consider that well looted.

You haven't... Is it a magic axe? No. Oh. So while Edvard is leading you around, you actually see a tent by the side of the town that you recognise by the colours and exotic dyes and patterns that it is a tent of the tribe of Madame Ava's gypsies. Would Karina be there? Well, no.

Oh. Stop loitering outside and come in. Our gypsy's told you to do something. You should do it. Would you like to lead the way, Edvard? Oh, would I? And we just shove him forward. We push Edvard into the tent.

Yeah, we push Edvard. Why did you bring the idiot? I'm very good, thank you. But it's a bit cold for a swimmer now. I see you're still alive. Yeah. And did you find the chicken thief? I did in a way.

In a way I did. Ah. If you can do something about him, try. There's a lot of love in this town. Oh boy. Alright. But you're here now. I heard about you on the wind. She sounds a lot like Madame Ava.

We're cousins. This isn't Madame Ava? No, this is her cousin, Yentl. Madame Yentl? You can call me Madame Yentl. I've never seen that movie. I don't know what it's about. Guess.

Take a guess what it's about. Take a guess as to why it's your grandmother's favourite film. Soup? It's about Yentl soup and how it fed the whole people. I feel like we're getting sidetracked. Or do. Ah, it is foretold of

your coming. You will take the path over the mountain to the old Svalich Road, which will lead you to your destino. That's what we were thinking of doing. It's my destino to find some pants. Oh, yeah, all right.

You need pants? Yeah, I need pants. You got some pants? I've got these nice purple satin. You can kind of wrap into a sarong. You will look like a tiny lady. It's a step up. Hand it over.

You are now wearing a purple sarong. And a burlap jerkin. Burlap, burlap. Yeah, go and do that. But you all look terrible. Here, have some of my yentl soup. It will fortify you. Are there healing properties to this soup, Dan?

Yes, sure, why not? Full health healing properties? No. Spell slot? Detent each. Yeah, of course you have your spell slots back. It's a new day. Does this person look armed at all?

She looks powerful beyond her wizened frame. Can I levitate him or something to show him my powers? You're not Yoda. Not this week. I'm more powerful than Yoda. I just pick up a rock and throw it at him, like a crystal. She picks up a crystal and just throws it at his head. Five.

I miss. That was a warning! So can we kind of find the parent centre? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you find your way back to the town, and in fact a wagon has been prepared for you, full of... Cutlery and ladles. Among other things.

Mainly cutlery and ladles. And one pig. No. Is there weaponry in there? I'm going to loot a pig. I'm going to loot a pig. You're going to loot a pig? Yeah.

Alright. Is that when you hold a pig like a lute and play it like a guitar? Are you going to threaten them to give you the pig, or do you want to steal the pig? I'm just going to stare at them real hard and then take it. Are you going to try and glamour a pig? Yeah. I'm just going to be like, me taking this pig.

I'll do some intimidation. All right, intimidate. Who are you talking to? There's so many people. There's 20 parents, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. I got 17. You're taking a pig.

Okay, congratulations. It's not a magic pig. Mooding is easy. Just out of curiosity, is this pig large enough for me to ride? Yeah, probably. Alright. I'm on board, literally. Bessie the battle pig.

Yeah. literally Bessie the battle pig alright they've hitched up an old donkey that was owned by the family it's a magic donkey and tell them the story of it once it rescued the town from a flood and Edvard's father

has hitched everything together while Edvard's mother has hitched everything together while Edvard's mother gives you a rucksack full of baked potatoes and bread for your adventure. How many baked potatoes each? Oh, one each. How many gold are they worth? And Edvard's mother comes up to him and kisses him on the forehead

and says, Bud's mother comes up to him and kisses him on the forehead and says, My son, it's my hope that the disappointments you've caused this family will come to an end. Thanks, Mum. Disappointment is a word that means heroic deeds. Oh, Christ. is a word that means heroic deeds. Oh, Christ. And nobody can make eye contact with him as the horse slowly, achingly slowly,

begins to take off, and you see it's probably ten minutes before the parents are even out of your field of vision, but you keep not making eye contact because of that horrific moment. Moments like this make me glad my mother ate my father. The journey to the road is a simple one for the way is known by Edvard and you have a wagon to carry your equipment.

So things are now seem to be looking up. However, as you make your way towards the road, you suddenly realise that there is a bigger waiting for you. There is a black carriage with two powerful stallions tied to it and plumes coming from every corner, just waiting, idling. If they were a car, they're in neutral. I dig my heels into the pig and trot up ahead of the cart to the big black carriage. You're loving this battle pick, aren't you? Mm-hmm.

Alright, as you make your way ahead of the party, you see this, as I said, imposing carriage sitting there and now you can also make up in a ragged suit with a shock of crazy white hair and

a hunched albino figure sitting with a horse whip balanced on his knee. He's the carriage driver up the top? Or he's the passenger? He's in the driver's position. What ho, driver? What ho?

Hail and well met. Is it? Isn't it met Is it? Isn't it? Is it? Isn't it just? And by now the rest of the wagon has arrived Good sir We are on a quest to deliver this here

Ladles and cutlery What makes you think I didn't have this Handled? You were just making sounds at him ladles and cutlery. What makes you think I didn't have this handled? You were just making sounds at him like without any meaning. You were just I'm taking over. We got ladles, we got forks, we got spoons,

we got knives, we got a cheese knife, we got like a crab fork, we got a soup spoon, teaspoon, we got No, you're just making noises. Steak knives. While my master has a love of fine cutleries, he knows your true purpose.

To find some pants? Yes. And has he pants? There are many pants ahead. Oh. Do you mind if I just come up with you and grab some pants? I'll just... I stand on the back of the pig and go to open the carriage door.

The moment you touch it, however, he puts his hand up and the horses bristle and stamp their feet. And in that sense, you get the sense of strong, powerful magic. I sit back down on my pig. You must leave your cart and steed behind. But bring the cutlery.

And with that he bangs twice on the carriage behind him and a door opens up to reveal a plush interior with space for the five of you and a rack on the back for the chest. And a bottle of like Cristal and some like mad speakers and like a LCD

screen. No! Me went to Hen's night in one of these. Very good. I take the sarong off leaving me just in my burlap sack and dress the pig in it so that it looks like a fine lady. And I say, can my girlfriend join us? If that pig's going, then I can't come.

Yeah, you're right. There's only enough space. There's a space for Edvard or the pig. All right, see you, Edvard. It's been a real pleasure traveling with you all. I'm going to head off into the world and have me all kinds of crazy adventures. Maybe I'll meet the man that makes the rain. Who knows? Good luck to you, fine fellow.

I wish you all of the good things and many fun times. I understand all of those words, but not in the sentence that you used them. Dave, shall we hug? Could we? Quick question. Yes. Quick question. How long do temporary hit points last for?

Until the end of the day. Until the end of the day. But what time is it now? You've got no temporary hit points left. I know, but how long do they, like... Like, if I got some now... I don't understand where you would find temporary hit points, but they would last until you went to sleep. All right, but it's, like, midday now, right?

Yes. No, it's actually morning. Oh, it's morning. So I've got, like, what? How many hours till nightfall? Are you going to kill Edvard? I'm just going to come out and say it, because, like, that's the elephant in the room right like, what? How many hours till nightfall? Are you going to kill Edvard? I'm just going to come out and say it, because, like, that's the elephant in the room right now, right?

And this is, oh, there's that rock that I used to come and sing to myself on. Couldn't it be the pig in the room? Enough, says the figure in the horse's stamp again. The master is expecting you. It is time you paid your respects. You would not wish to have him wait for long. I cast Eldritch Blast at Kala. He rolled a 20.

He rolled a 20. Motherfucker! This is ice cream. All right. All right. This is ice candy. Um, alright. Carlo, um, you, I guess, get ten points of damage.

Oh, that's fine. Ah! He's got, like, thirty hit points. What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do that, Baker's boy? I was trying to help you. I thought I saw a beautiful creature in you, but you are a meanie. I wanted to help you find your pig a seat in this carriage,

and you betray me like this, like a giant once betrayed my mother so she had to marry the king. Well, I say good day to you, gentlefolk, but never a good day to you gentle folk but never a good day to you baker's boy may every bread that you bake be unleavened

and full of holes with a rubbish crumb and I'm just and I am actually going to have to make a note of that because as Edvard Ostwick, the bravest man of Wickshire, fades off into the distance, Friezo, you have found a nemesis, a man who will continue to haunt your adventures until one of you dies.

One of you dies. Please don't. And as the five of you make your way with your pig into the carriage, the door slams shut, and with the smell of old, luxurious, yet faded leather fills your senses, you feel the carriage rock and shudder and then surge down the road, taking you to a date that cannot be refused. A man is waiting for you who seems to know more of your futures than you do yourselves. To find out what lies in store,

tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Dragon Friends is DM'd by me, David Harmon, with music this episode by Chris Dendle, NPC voices by Eden Lacey, and our adventurers Michael Hing, Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, and this week's special guest, Carlo Ricci. Shakira Khan designs our website, and our podcast is edited by Benny Davis

and sponsored by PAX Australia. Ha ha ha!