Dragon Friends - #2.09. This Is Who I Am with Tom Walker

Episode Date: July 27, 2016

The Deep Gnomes of the Moptop Clan have been sworn to the Vampire Strahd for one hundred years. The Dragon Friends have to make a choice which they do with predictably disastrous results. Featuring the return of everyone's favourite good boy Tom Walker.A note this is one of our most filthy episodes for some reason. There may have been something in the water. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Dragon Friends. It's Michael Hing here, aka Freezo. Before we start the show, if you're in Sydney, I wanted to let you know that on August the 5th, which is a Friday, I'm recording my stand-up special for TV and all that at the Comedy Store in Sydney. I've got a special offer for Dragon Friends listeners. You can get two-for-one tickets to the taping at the Comedy Store website with the code WORD. Now, this is PODRACING, all in caps, all in one word. You've got to buy them in lots of two, so do come along. It'd be great to be great to see you there also a quick note you won't hear much at all from me this episode because when we recorded this i was feeling in hosting a tv show as i need to legitimize myself uh to my parents all right on with the show

if it's spooky don't be frightened scurry home and bar the door daylight and the fiends and ghouls delight in things that scares you be well aware If it's spooky, don't be frightened. Dragon friends. Scurry home and bar the door. Daylight care. And the fiends and ghouls delight in things that's scarce. Be well aware as you make your way. Don't be led astray, for the goal is near. And your friends are here.

And there's plenty more in store. It is hard to recollect how long you have been trapped in the mist-shrouded lands of Barovia. Time moves differently here. The sun seems to set just hours after it rises, while the moon darts backwards as well as forwards, spinning night without end. You have finally crossed the threshold of Castle Ravenloft and are ready to bring justice to the vampire Count Strahd von Zarovich. Now, this is a strange and foreboding place,

and you've learned that little is as it seems. A disastrous dinner date with a vampire has left you bruised but not broken. Friso, mostly naked, and Filch covered in thyroid juice. So, a typical Friday night for the dragon friends. But beyond the dining room, a stranger sight still awaits you. The figure that you thought was the Count seems some kind of clockwork puppet. His appearance at the organ, just a trick of smoke and mirrors. So who have you been speaking with?

Who spoke with the voice of the vampire Strahd? Well, the wretched puppeteer lies cowering at your feet. It's a fun voice to do. Please don't hurt me. Please. I'm going to hurt you. Please. I'm going to hurt you. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean any harm by it.

Merely just a puppet show. A trick of the life. A distraction. A distraction from what? A distraction from what? I put my foot on his throat. That's an intimidation check. Quickly roll the dice for me. It's easy because he's a coward. 14 will do it. Excellent. I think you better an intimidation check. Quickly roll the dice for me. It's easy because he's a coward.

14 will do it. Excellent. I think you better spill your guts. Look. I work for Stroud. I'm not Stroud. That much is a pain. No.

And yet, let me just point out that in the last episode, that was not immediately apparent to Hink. And it took us about 20 minutes after the show to explain to him what had just happened. Yeah, or me, by the way. Look, we all worked this one. All of my clan, we were tricked.

Oh God, there's more of you? This is a wretched creature that you haven't seen yet in your adventures. Not quite a goblin, not quite a halfling, something in between. Filthy and ragged. In fact, I think we've got a picture of what he looks like. Ugh!

A deep gnome. And this is a race that is native to the Barovian Mountains. Yay! And now I'm so strained. My family has been, been, been cursed.

Wait, what? What did he do this curse? No, it was a herb. Who? The herb. Sorry, I cannot understand a word. He's either saying her or herb.

He's a herb. What do you think is most likely? Using context clues. Who is she that you speak of? M-m-m-mad Moira. The Hug. This is getting annoying for me. I know. And yet, you're going to have to stick with it.

Because we all lie in the beds of our own making. We're the chain I forged in life. Okay. Mad Moira. Mad Moira. Yes, Mad Moira the hag. Yeah, the hag. Her name's Mad Moira.

What are... Does Moira work for Stride? Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. Mad Moira tricked us 500 years ago. And now we just have to give him gifts. What kind of gifts? What could break this curse? Well, nothing so far.

I've tried everything i tried making him a hat i tried making him an ashtray i tried making him a toothpick holder shaped like a kid did you try making a photo frame out of macaroni frame out of macaroni? Yes, of course I do! I'm right there! And this wretched puppet you see before you is my lady's gift to the master. And already you can

see, in fact, that this room is a clockwork marvel. There is a figure dressed in the standard finery of an aristocratic vampire suspended, not quite by chains, but more like filaments from the sides of the room, and there are arcane levers, cogs, and devices to consume...

And a bottle opener. And you notice that also that it's spelled as a bottle opener. I'm trying to think of things I made for my parents. Not everybody made their dad a bottle opener. I just like the fact that you can buy standard vampire finery somewhere. Step right up vampire, has all your vampire finery needs. We've got velvet, we've got velvet. You mock me, Baston, and maybe you should.

How do you know his name? Mitch Vinton and his dick. Get away from there! That's all, put it away Let's swat him away Wait, if you are not the vampire I should not have shown you my dick Where is he?

Well, the man who's speaking He's everywhere and nowhere and somewhere. That was not an answer. Look, he lives in the West Wing. Can we have some Thomas Schlammy... Not that West Wing. Keep going. Can you take us to meet President Stratton?

No, I could not possibly see the Master. Plus, I'd have to talk like this the whole time. Well, where are the prisoners kept? I don't even know about that. I don't know anything about prisoners except myself! Oh yeah, the dungeons I guess. If you twist my arm, I guess they probably kept in the dungeons would my love Irina be there? I don't know man, probably. Irina Kalyana was of course Bastogne's betrothed who we haven't heard about from about four episodes because you're I'm not that into her but honor demands I satisfy my quest but if a madman tried to track the path that brought you here,

you are technically here to rescue her. So, fine. Really? That's amazing. We're also here to free the people enslaved. Sure, you be quiet, man. That's good. If we could break the curse and free you and your kin...

I'd be real glad. Would you be willing to help us? Yes, of course, but I can not see stride. You can what? I said I could... Oh, fuck me. This is like, you know when you get caught smoking and... You smoke a whole pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, your dad's like, no, no, no, we're going to sit here and you're going to smoke a carton of cigarettes. That's exactly what Dave has done to me with this voice. Have you learned a lesson? Not at all. Dave has done this to you? What do you want to know?

I told you, he's in the West Wing. The prisoners are in the dungeons. As far as I'm concerned, they've been very helpful. Well, no, we appreciate that. Guys, huddle. Okay, I'll be over here. Are we, are we, is it, should we go and get, go to the dungeon first? Should I put my arms over your shoulders or do you want to put your arms over mine? Uh, me think we go over, under, over, under.

I'll probably just put my arms around the back of your knees both. Ben, while they awkwardly hug each other, what are you doing? I go, well, this looks like a pretty good chance to slink away. Isn't your neck still under the foot of one half-ogre, half-human? Orc, thank you very much. Rude. What? I'm half-orc.

I said that. You said ogre. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I think it is actually. I think it is actually, so I think my neck is actually under your foot. So I go, I swear.

Sorry, the huddle continues. Oh, do you guys want to go to the dungeons? Yeah. Before tracking down Lestrade, we kind of need to get more information, so we may as well... Alright, so I press my foot on the neck. Okay, wow. What's his name? Does he have a name? Do we know it? Does he have a name? Do we know it?

Does he have a name yet? Keith. His name is Keith. And I go, this, okay, I might have to roll the dice to be able to do this level of intimidating. Oh, you're going to do intimidating?

Trickery. All right, well, just tell me what you're going to do and I'll tell you what. I'm going to tell Keith that Strahd told us for him to take us to the dungeons. Oh, great. Okay, well why don't you make an intimidation check. DC 10. Is that for my foot on his neck?

No, that's just a standard intimidation, but I'll give you advantage because he's outnumbered and your foot's on his neck. So roll two and tell me the highest. Twelve is the highest? That will do it. That will do it that will do it with your strength I was really looking forward to leaving him behind hey stride told us you have take us to dungeon

Like me? Okay. Follow me. The gnome Keith... LAUGHTER..takes you from his chamber and past a hanging piece of dark velvet that you hadn't even noticed is a door. And through that door, he opens it

and he takes you out into a small light well, a kind of courtyard in this area of the very ruined castle. Splash. What was... It's a well. No, it's not a light well, it's a light well. Yeah, I knew that. Inside this courtyard of sorts,

you see a grate heavily barred with rotting wood. And Keith, from inside his robes, produces a filthy rusted key and puts it into the door and turns it twice. The grate opens and you see stairs leading down into the dark subterranean basements of the castle. Have I still got my lights on? No, you know, your lights only last like a minute. So that was my bad. Oh, balls. We also got caught on that like last episode.

A lot of people wrote in. Yeah. Really? Sorry. There are torches ensconced in the wall, but they're not lit. So you'll just have to light them. Oh, ensconced. Hey, I get it.

Can Friso summon Bush have to light them. Oh, ensconced. Hey, I get it. Can we, can Friso summon Bushu to light a torch? Oh yeah, what's Friso doing? I guess Friso, well Friso when we last saw him was naked, had thrown his metal shoes at a mirror, gotten very angry, gotten burnt, broke his wrist.

You know what, I think for reasons that will be clear to everybody in the room, but maybe not on the podcast, Friso is going to stay behind and try and find some clothes while we go into the dungeon. Yeah, Friso is trying to pull the default vampire finery off a puppet when you guys leave, and he's taking a while, so you just go. See you guys later.

See you soon. This is my hang voice. I'm very good. All right, anyway. Bye, Friso. See you guys later. See you soon. This is my Hing voice. I'm very good. All right, anyway. Bye, Freezo. Literally a thousand voices. It turns out I have a Tinder box so I like the gorgeous.

Can I try the Hing voice? Hang on, hang on. This is my Hing voice. Uh, boo-boo. It says, do you have some piggy neck basket? Officer Devils.

Hello and welcome to the feed. Great, okay. You have a Tinder box so you light one of them? Yeah, I light one for each the feed. Great, okay, you have a tinderbox, so you light one of them? Yeah, I light one for each of us. Great, so you all take a torch and you... Who's going first? The gnome. All right, so you make your way down into the dark and the air seems fetid and still and you can see

a corridor leading off with what seems like they were once doors that are so rusted shut that time has forgot them. These were once doors. But as you see they're so rusted shut that time has forgotten them. Me have no idea what he said. It's fine, just ignore it. However, it seems that your friend Keith is not interested in any of these, and he leads you all the way down to the end of the corridor,

where about 30 feet further, the corridor opens up into a sort of antechamber, and at the end of that is what looks like a locked metal door. Get out your dirty key, Keith. Okay. And then he does something grotesque. What does Bastogne say to that? Hmm. Hmm. Good for that.

Oh, yes, we're very good. Welcome to the... Oh, this is a little castle joke. If I may. Welcome to the antechamber. I'm actually quite pro-chamber. Can you write that down so that you can say it? A non-corporeal, like, ghost-like

choir of boos answers that. Just go out and then... Keith doesn't have a key for this door, unfortunately. I thought I did. So this is the way to the dungeon. Yeah. Through the door! I'll use my key.

No, I thought we were still talking Anyway I will use my thief magic that is to say skills to lockpick something and whatnot Alright, so you approach the door Yep

What did you roll for the luck pick? I rolled a nine. Great, make a dexterity saving throw for me. What? What did you get? What did you get? Number three. A three.

You unrolled your little cloth bag of hooks and shit. If he rolled more, would you not have been quite so dismissive of that bag? And you are beginning the work when suddenly you feel a whistling above your head and a sensation that something is dropping on you from a great height. You try to make a move to dive back, trip and fall flat on your face, and a strange armoured creature is suddenly grabbing at you, scrabbling at you,

and biting you, and you're in combat. That seems very unfair. Oh, yes, I forgot. I forgot this at the end of the match. I'm in combat. Okay, I... So this is a big...

It's got four legs, a barbed tail, big powerful antenna, and it looks like it's made of sort of segmented brown... Pooh. Carapace. What? Carapace. It's like a cockroach monster.

Are they like things you get at cocktail parties? It's like a giant cockroach. Yeah. Okay, and he's on my back, on my front. He's on your back. And Phil, I rolled initiative earlier. It's like a big butterfly? You got the first action. It is extremely unlike a big butterfly.

Okay. It's like a big cockroach. Okay, so I'm going to pick up my great axe and swing at it. Excellent. Careful! While it's on Simon? Yeah, while it's on Simon. Okay. I forget what to do. Two dice, two, one. I got an eight. You think Michael helps us roll the dice. Yeah, Michael it's on Simon. Okay. I forget what to do. Two dice, two, one.

I got an eight. You think Michael helps us roll the dice. Yeah, Michael usually helps. I got an eight. All right, so you grab your axe, you swing and you miss. Next up is you, Simon. You're being wrestled to the ground by this thing. Okay, I use my...

Oh, God. Don't you have all the pink stuff? Yeah. What have I got? Incense sticks. Oh, I've got manacles. I clapped manacles on two of his legs together to inhibit him. Oh, okay.

That's interesting. All right, go ahead and quickly make one more dexterity check for me. Yep, that does it. What? Smooth moves, but what did you roll? Three again Does that mean that I actively medical myself to the concrete?

No, no, something different happens In the heat of battle you mistake its antennae for legs and you're trying to wrap the manacles around it when you suddenly notice something very strange is happening They are corroding before your eyes and rusting and soon they crack and disintegrate this is actually a rust monster and anything it touches that's not magical corrodes so yes they're like a big butterfly yeah yeah anyways in

many ways just like a big butterfly got it I guess it's your turn next, Keith. Yeah, get the fuck out of there. Bye. All right, the door is closed. Unfortunately, you're trapped inside. The action pauses for a second, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. I can't get out? Oh, no, you can run away. I know you're just trying to get out of this voice, but I'm going to let you.

Are you running? No, actually, I'm going to go. You know what? I've lived my whole life being scared. Better. Never wanting to stand up for myself or anybody, but you guys are the best friends I've ever had. And hang on, sorry, no, I just rolled a dice. And you know Filge missed before with the axe.

At that point, you're clocked by the axe and you're knocked unconscious. Bye! Bastogne, you're next. Oh, Bastogne. He's got a sick dagger. And he didn't give a... He's smart enough to know

that this dagger's just gonna get all rusted up and it's a bowie knife, which he thinks doesn't wanna... So he punches it. Gonna punch this broadspot. Take this! In the face! Nine. Nine? Nine will also not

do it. You guys are being defeated by this thing at the moment. So we need to use things that are not metal. No, it's the antennas that rust things. You wanna be careful when you're hitting it, or use things that are not metal. As you all know. You know what's not metal? It's not your go yet.

The rust monster swings and attacks and tries to bite you and it misses. And then its antennas lay themselves on your chainmail vest. Alex, because you ran in to attack it. And also has no effect. Which makes your go now, Alex. My go now? Alright.

What? Are you going to cast some magic? He's getting his clothes on. Remember, you're a wizard, Phil. Don't tell me what to do. I got a two. What are you doing though? What are you doing though? What?

Don't tell me what to do, I'm gonna roll my dice. Ah, good. Alright. Miss Michael. Okay. I'm gonna punch it with my fists. Okay, great. Here we go. It's a two.

I'm nothing if not consistent. You're all failing to punch this giant cockroach. As you remember, I'm wearing a sarong, cause all my clothes... No, not wearing a sarong, the pig is, but I was wearing burlap. So I get the burlap and put it over the bug's antenna and head. And try and wrestle it. And Bastog gets his dick out again. Ignoring Eden's horrific new fancy,

quickly make a touch attack. 20. 20! 20! Okay, in a moment... You successfully get out of its grip and you manage to swing around and tie the burlap in and the antennae

and your triumph at having basically... Gives me an enormous erection. Which everyone can see because you are now naked. Absolutely. Hey, guys. I'm not ashamed. This is who I am. And I like it.

You all hang onto your clothes so much better in the last adventure. Great. Next up is your unconscious. And so, Baston, I'm going to stomp on the bag. Because he's a roach, right? Stomp it. Go for it. There's a bag full of roach.

Squish that roach. Five. Did you say five? Whoops. All right, so you try to stomp on it and are unsuccessful. And the thing flailing around trying to bite rolls a seven, which will not do it. This is a non-event of a combat.

It fails. Alex. I'm going to cast a magic spell. Okay, once again, I cannot stress enough that you are not... I'm going to open my big book of spells and cast a magic spell. All right. All right, let's do a witch bowl. All right, I'm like, move away, guys, and I push everyone back

and I kick the unconscious body of Keith. All right, step aside., move away, guys, and I push everyone back, and I kick the unconscious body of Keith. All right, step aside. It's time for some real magic. I grab my magic wand, and I bring it hard down on the creature, and I say... In the manner of a magic spell. Witch bolt! Witch bolt! Witch bolt! Okay, roll an advantage.

Roll two dice, give me the highest. Because this will count as a rage attack for you. Which bolt? Okay. Roll an advantage. Roll two dice. Give me the highest. Because this will count as a rage attack for you. 17. 17 will do it. D12 plus four. Yep.

No, not that one. Yes, it is. Oh, it is. Sorry. Nine. Nine points of damage. All right. The thing is flailing damaged and bloodied and it looks like it's almost out but it's still standing

that's how you do magic boys Bobby Bobby's gonna do a little magic his own I get the wiener I bet that grabbar, which I have, and I just, like, belt it. Great. That counts the club. D20. 17 will do it. D6. Plus your strength modifier.

It's five plus whatever you got. One. Six. Six points. All right, you hit it again, and it's reeling now. It's damaged. It's leaking a kind of white corrosive fluid. Fuck this bug.

Does Eden have a noise for the bug? Oh, yeah, well... Oh, fuck, it was adorable this whole time! Now, can you make that noise when you're, like, choking on your own blood? It's kind of imagining it like a dolomite. You killed a dolomite, you're right. Yeah, you killed...

I come bearing savings. And, all right, so this giant-sized tardigrade. So what do you do next? Bast on? Yeah. He's going to stomp him. Alright, stomp away. No, no, he's going to pick him up and throw the bag against the wall.

Like I do when snails eat my orchids. Everybody's just learnt something about Eden. Die! 18 will do it. D6 plus, using the wall, I guess. Yep. One! Also one.

D6 plus, using the wall I guess, yep, 1. We're up to 1. But plus 2 is 3 and the rust monster has been defeated. Congratulations. Woo! I fall to my knees sobbing and cry, me become what me always hate. Freezo! Freezo!

Nate! Freezo! So it's leaking fluid? Yeah, it's leaking. What is that fluid? It's like... Cum. Stop it! Come on!

Everyone's got dicks on the brain tonight. Sorry, but it is cum. It's not... It actually looks like some kind of acidic compound. Oh, okay. So I won't smear it on my body in like a kind of a Rambo-esque kind of like war. No, no, but it only

has effect on metal. Should we collect it for, let's collect it. Do you have any, I've got a floppy hat. You have flasks. You probably, you would both have a water skin. You do it. I'm too upset. So I do that thing where you've got too much toothpaste that's come out

so you kind of like thump it back in by kind of making it big again. So I flatten the water skin and I try and pull it out so it sucks in the juice. Everybody done that before? Rowan, you know what I'm talking about? Thanks guys. Utilising the power of vacuum. Great.

So you now have a flask of... Rust monster cum. RMC. And the door is still closed. So now are you going to... I'm going to... Is it a metal door? Yes.

I'm going to uh on the locks pour the rust come into the lock uh and uh just keep on like pumping it through uh until the the lock breaks and we can force our way through the door that is a very novel solution to the problem so um i'm going to allow that and you can have an inspiration dice. Congratulations. In come door. All right. And that's the moment when you realise you have the title for the next podcast. I realise you have the title for the next podcast.

The door swings open and inside you see actually the sort of central processing slash torture chamber area of a kind of medieval dungeon. There are cells off to the side. There is an old rack. There are hooks and pincers and braziers all long abandoned, dusted rusted, ruined and

I thought you were going to say busted would have been better crusted oh come on guys they're turning on you guys for a change and you can see there are all these cells and they all mostly look abandoned

as it sort of moves in. But not possibly all of them. Hello, is anyone there? As you make that sound, a bundle of rags... You mean language? Yes. As your mouth forms those shapes

that vibrates the air through your lungs in such a way as to create noise. Guys, if that is incorrect, please do write in. A bundle of rags stirs, and underneath that bundle of rags, a tiny little face appears, emaciated and strange. Oh.

It looks up at you, and I think we've got actually a picture of what it looks like. Like dice? Old dice face. Oh. No, no, definitely not like, yep. And to play this latest friend, please welcome him, our friend and one-time collaborator, you knew him once as Dild, the half-orc from the small town with big city dreams, please

welcome Tom Walker. I hear you've been adventuring. Please, Tom, I'm begging you. We didn't need a second performer if we were just going to do this voice. With my brother. Brother. Brother, is that you? Oh, my God.

So this is what it feels like when doves cry. Oh, my God. So as far as I can tell, this podcast has turned into a way to pitch our terrible voice acting show reels. So I'd just like to do that. One million... OK, so we're cutting all that from the podcast. So now that you've got that out of your system,

the emaciated figure looks up. Hey, guys. Okay. Commit, Tom. I am committing to not ruining the podcast. Yeah, so the emaciated figure looks up and his eyes... I was just lying here in a pile of rags. Is he inside a cell or is he just...

He's inside a cell and he's got filthy manacles on his feet. Do I have any cum left? Are there any kids in the audience tonight? Not anymore! Oh, boy. Does he have any cum left though? Yes, you probably have

about a manacle's worth of Rust Monster Serum. Oh, the R and U and E are silent. Well, we use that to free him. All right, so, yep, you can just... The cell doors swing open and, like, don't put up much resistance, and you free him from the manacles.

Oh, thanks, guys. My name's Dringo. Dringo, what... Why are you down here? I've been here for 90 days. Mad Moira the hag forgot about me. She put me down here to punish me, then forgot about me. It's been the best time of my life. I love being alone. What job do you do for Mad Moira?

Just normal slave stuff. You know, carry things, put things down when you're done carrying them. Have pain inflicted on me. What relationship has Moira got with Strad? Oh, they're great buddies. Moira works the kitchen. A kitchen is where food is made. Does that kitchen have more thyroid?

Oh, we're low on thyroid, but we're chock full of pituitary. Food is made. Does that kitchen have more thyroid? Oh, we're low on thyroid, but we're chock full of pituitary. But what does Strat eat? Wow. B-b-b-blood. Is that correct? Yeah. Blood, as far as I know. But in all sorts of forms.

Blood pudding, like Scottish people. What's Scotland? And what other forms? Oh, all frothed up like a smoothie. Sometimes he has it in a weird foam. It's very experimental. A lot of the other vampires think it's pretentious. Like a kind of...

He has deconstructed blood. It's a bottle full of white blood cells, some red blood cells, and you just put it all together to make your own, to your own tastes. Any other forms you'd care to hear about? You realise that this particular gnome worked in the kitchens. Uh-huh. A kitchen is where food is made. Sorry, did you try to... What's Keith doing?

You have to tell us. Oh, let me just try and wake Keith up in our own language. Keith. Yeah, yeah, there. I just wanted to shake you awake with a Let's try and wake Keith up in our own language. Keith? Yes, brother? I just wanted to shake you awake with a song from the motherland. Oh, yes, please sing along. Why would you do this to yourself?

What have I done? Wake up, wake up. I'm speaking like a drowsy pup. Wake up right now. This is the voice of Droopy the Hound. That is the least deserved applause break I have ever gotten. You haven't done this show very much. How can the dragon friends find creatures such as these and bring them to their purpose?

For it seems that this castle, once thought abandoned, is teeming with lives. But what kind of life is it? Servitude to a hag, beheldon to a vampire. It seems like a broken half-existence, one that fills you with pity

and yet also extreme frustration. Can the dragon friends make good on their promises to rescue Irina? fills you with pity and yet also extreme frustration. Can the dragon friends make good on their promises to rescue Irena? Will they free this land from cursed night? Is the vampire Strahd dealable with? For the answers to this and more, tune into the next episode of Dragon Friends.

Thank you. Dave Harmon, everyone. Dave Harmon. He's a hero. Give him a big hand of applause. I hate you all so much. Dragon Friends is DMed by David Harmon with music by Benny Davis and features the voices of Alex Lee, Simon Granner, Eden Lacey,

Ben Jenkins and me, Michael Heng. The podcast is sponsored by PAX Australia, the country's primo video game and pop culture expo. And if you like the podcast, we have a Patreon where you can support us and earn bonus content and weird gifts, including this month, an hour-long Star Wars one-shot adventure. All right, thanks for listening. Bye.