Dragon Friends - #2.10. This Plan Seems Solid with Tom Walker

Episode Date: August 17, 2016

The Dragon Friends are stretching their diplomatic muscles and doing their best to bring their newest and most pitiful friends into the fight against the vampire. There's a lot of huddling, some light plotting. Baston decides to be a ham. So, a pretty typical night out for the crew.Featuring special guest and real life goodboy Tom Walker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dragon Friends The cells are behind you, and with the light of the moon once more upon your faces... What kind of moon? Crescent moon. You find a chance, a rare moment, to breathe. Drengo has accompanied you out of the cell, but there are answers to questions that have not yet begun to reach you.

How can you find your way to Irena, the woman that you had sworn to the blood-crazed villages of Barovia that you would rescue? How, otherwise, could you deal with Baston, the man who has led you here, with the hopes that his on-again, off-again girlfriend might one day be rescued.

I've got high hopes. And how can you find a way to kill a vampire such as Strahd, a being 500 years old who commands armies of wolves, bats, even whole tribes of gnomes sworn into service to him? whole tribes of gnomes sworn into service to him. How can three such as you find a way forward against an adversary as old and as powerful as this one? The mist already begins

to break. The hour of the morning is early and a fine rain has begun to fall as you take a moment in the small sky well and regroup. I was wondering why it was raining inside.

Oh, look, there's Freezo. Hey, Freezo. Is that... Yeah, hey, Freezo. Am I here? Did you find some pants? Yes, I found some. I can just make up whatever the fuck I want now, can't I? I got some golden pants. They're worth 500 gold pieces.

I also found this... I found a second magical sword, so now I can dual wield. And I met this sweet lady who's now my girlfriend. Sorry, we haven't met. Hi, I'm Friso. I'm Dringo. And you're covered in... Dringo. Is Dringo

slaying... I'm covered in Dringo. I'm going to storm clouds rumble and you quickly make your way inside. Dringo is leading you to the West Wing, an area he did not wish to return to, but also the only signs of life in this forgotten and ruined castle. If you follow me through here,

we'll eventually get to the kitchen. A kitchen is where food is made. And through the kitchen is Mr. Strahd's living quarters. But in the kitchen is Mad Moira, the hag who cursed me and my tribe. Draco, is there a baker in your kitchen, per chance? No, no, all the roles except for head chef are filled by us goblins. The head chef is Miss Moira.

She has two helpers. Can I ask? Dringo, is it? Yes. Have you been vaccinated? I don't think so. I don't know what that means. I'm just wondering why you're so autistic. Sorry, Hing.

What? What? Look, we know we... No, I'm sorry. I'm just... God knows I don't like to break the, you know, finely held veil of make-believe that we craft in this show. But if I...

What the fuck, man? This is a fantasy world, so vaccines in this world don't cause autism. Alright, well I'm going to say I've read a few Lunig cartoons that just sent a You mean Roonig?

Yeah, sorry. Legally distinct from Lunig. Sorry, no, just because he was talking about, he was explaining what a kitchen was. Alright, let's get in this kitchen. Yeah. She has two helpers. One being of earth and filth who helps clean things up but then hides in whatever grime is left behind. And one being of fire who dwells in fire

and can take the form of any fire. A fire is a thing in a kitchen that helps food be made. Yeah. Go on. Truly cool, cool. Food is something that once you eat it, your body breaks down into energy. Matter and energy cannot be created, but only converted. Truly, he is a being of great wisdom.

So, we need to go in there and kill this Moira lady, do we? Yeah. I think eventually. Do you have a plan? Do you get a kill, Moira? I may have a plan, and I'm like, huddle, huddle, huddle. And then I just say, get out of here. And you just kind of huddle in the corner by yourself. I'm like, guys.

Are we doing another huddle? Yes. I think we should change it up. I'm going over this time. Me go under. Friso? All right, I'm splayed out. Huddle in, chaps.

All right. Me have bacon down here. Is everyone just huddling around a prone Friso? Yeah. Well, we're changing it up. We're huddling. We're huddling around a prone freezer? Yeah. Well, we're changing it up. We're huddling. We're huddling. We're changing it up.

It's that thing that we do. Maybe if you'd been with us before, Dringo, you'd know. This is our team huddle, as established in the lore of Dragon Friends. All right. I'm prone. I mean, I'm splayed out. Yes. What are you doing?

Me under, he over. What are you doing, Bobby? Me behind. Just feeling the energy. Back of everyone's knees. All right. I'm prone. I mean, I'm splayed out. Yes. What are you doing? Me under, he over. What are you doing, Bobby? Me behind. Just feeling the energy. All right. What's going on? We have to sneak into kitchen. Me wearing Baker's outfit, which is mine and no one else's.

What are you going to wear? I will be a ham. Are you going to wear Storm the Battle Pig? No, kind of like wrap me in some twine. I'll just get it off, just put some twine on me. I will be more convincing as a honey glazed ham. Good, good. Bobby, what are you disguised as?

Oh, good. Bobby, what are you disguised as? Oh, God. I guess I'll go disguised as one of these, like, gnome guys. I'll just, like, make a real ugly face and talk like this. You've just made Dringo cry. Good. Can I go in as some sort of crazy head chef? You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, like some sort of Gordon. What's his name, the cranky one? Gordon Ramsay. I'll come in and be like, that's not clean enough. That's not hot enough. That's not enough food. But what outfit will you wear? This is a good plan. What?

What outfit will you wear? You seem to be wearing golden pants. Golden pants and nothing else. I'm a crazy chef. All right. All right. This plan seems solid. All right, the kitchen. Alright. This plan seems solid. Alright, the kitchen's...

We de-huddle. Guys, I just wanted you to know that if anything happens, the fire method is scared of water and it hurts him a lot and the earth method, he hates enclosed spaces. Alright. Righto, mate.

Some of us are only trying to help. Trying to turn over a new leaf. As he's been speaking, Dringo takes you through and already you can see signs of life. These corridors have been used more recently. The torches in the walls are lit and the stone seems if somehow

warmer to the foot and hand. Now, just beyond the corridor, you can hear... Sorry, Tom, do you have something to say? No. Very taken by your warm stone. And I was just imagining Dringo walking with them, just being like, these are the corridors we recently used.

I hate this character. Just beyond the corridor, you can hear the bustle and sound. Corridors are things you walk through to get to kitchens. Kitchens are where food is made. Just beyond the corridors, you can hear the sounds of a kitchen. Familiar amongst all species. What does a kitchen sound like? Do the sounds of a kitchen familiar amongst all species. What does a kitchen sound like? Do the soundscape for us. Eden?

Clank, clank. Clank, clank. Bubble hiss. Clank, clank, clank. I'm a ham. Alright. Continue. All right. Continue. So similar sounds you hear that tell you that you have almost reached Mad Moira's kitchen. They're the bats. Vampires.

If indeed this If indeed... this filthy creature is to be believed. So just out here is the kitchen. Which I believe I've covered. We should burst into the kitchen. You introduce us. The doors are closed at the moment for now. You open the doors, Dringo.

Oh, if Mad Moira sees me, she'll surely punish me. What for? Oh, just for existing. She lives to torment us as we are under a curse to serve her for generations. How could we break this curse? By killing Mad Moira. Interesting. What do we get out of that?

Presumably the fealty of my tribe for just one generation. Being slaves is all we know. Okay, so we'd free you and then you'd be our slave. Sounds like a good deal. I see myself only

as property, so that makes sense to me. Alright. Dave, I kicked down this door with my... I'm not wearing shoes, am I? I see myself only as property, so that makes sense to me. All right. Dave, I kicked down this door with my... Oh, I'm not wearing shoes, am I? No, you had some shoes. No, shoes is all you had. Oh, really? I kicked down the door with my big shoe.

I was wearing my shoes. You had shoes. You threw the shoes at some mirrors, and now you don't have shoes anymore. All right. I tenderly opened the door with my regular hands. Oh, one of which is broken. So which one?

The right one, I guess. You chose correctly. The door swings open and steam and mist escapes. And inside you can see a figure right in the centre of giant hams hung from hooks and bubbling cauldrons and pots. Someone who seems to be working with their back to you, a figure in a dress. All right, we should be able to take home a surprise if I just pull this off. Hello!

Oh! Oh! Mia Baker, obviously, as you can see, here to work in kitchen. Here me ham, brought for kitchen. Hi, I'm a ham. Oh, yeah. And here, two regular slaves, nothing to see here, Keith and Dringo. And here, two regular slaves, nothing to see here, Keith and Dringo.

And I would like to introduce you to celebrity chef, Fraud and Ramsey. The figure turns around and as the mist clears, you can see a face, a young, beautiful face, a face you have seen before, though only etched in painting. Dark hazel eyes and a beautiful dress. It is one that may be familiar to you, Bastogne. It is the figure of Irina Kolyana. My love!

Mayhem talks. You look different, but good, I guess. I mean, yay. And then she says, Best done, my love. My leapshine, you have returned to rescue me. No, keep talking to yourself. I'm going to go.

This is what you think. They have kept me here in the kitchen doing all the media labels. My fingers are scrubbed to the bones. And I don't like it at all. Alright, new plan. I'm going to pretend to be like a health inspector.

You've just been introduced as celebrity guest. I know, I know. Freud and Ramsey. I can do this. I can do this. You can pivot. Yep, I can pivot. Right. Oh, sorry, I didn't recognize you, Freud and Ramsey.

Me in this despicable kitchen. I'm so embarrassed. Right. Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you, Frodo Ramsey. Me in this despicable kitchen. I'm so embarrassed. Well, all right, all right then, my love. Is that how we sound? Jamie Oliver, to be honest. What's Gordon Ramsay sound like? Oh, hello. Is this the conversation?

All right. Oh, hello. My name is Frodo Ramsey. the conversation. Alright. Oh, hello. Um, my name is Freud and Ramsey, and obviously I beg- What? What? I'm trying. Nothing, it's just so fun to see you try.

Sorry, we can't all- we don't all have your amazing Michael Caine impression, Tom. You're right, you don't. Hello, I'm Michael Caine. Hey, I'm- Hing, are you are you approaching Hello, I'm Michael Catt. Hey. King, are you approaching her? I'm approaching her and I'm just sort of saying, this kitchen, oi, this kitchen right here is bloody filthy, governor.

Weird. Stick to it, stick to it. Yeah. Hey, and look, these goblins, goblins? Gnomes. These little gnomes shall be out there scrubbing away. I walked through three filthy corridors on the way. I've got a good mind to report you to the Prime Minister.

All right. Irina, can you quickly make a wisdom check for me to see if you believe that? And can you, Friso, make a wisdom check for me? DC 14. 15, plus however much wisdom I have. So definitely nailed it. All right.

She starts approaching you with her hands outstretched oh I'm sorry Mr. Fraudin but I have to claw your face off and at that moment you have realised just before she reaches to

touch you that in fact the beautiful hands that you saw are wizened claws and in fact the beautiful hands that you saw are wizened claws and in fact the beautiful hair that you saw is matted grey and disgusting and the figure that you thought was Irina Kalyana is in fact an emaciated evil hag. Oh, shit. Can I claw his face? No, you can't.

He spotted it just before you could. You have a chance to make an action just before she hits you. All right, I'm going to... Oh, I'm going to long... Am I still dual wielding magic swords? I got it cloned in the thing, right?

You don't really have two magic swords. You have one magic sword. Alright, I slash at this lady's arms with magic swords. You draw your sword and you slash.

Alright, excellent. I don't know why I'm rolling. Make an attack roll. 18. Oh, no. You've got to roll a dice. I got a 17. I got a 17, but there was a... I saw him roll. I saw him roll. Alright, alright. You've got to roll a dice. I got a 17. I got a 17.

I saw him roll it. I saw him roll it. All right. But it's a plus two. 17 will do it. Congratulations. Okay, that's a D8. D8 damage.

D8 plus one. So... Oh, fuck. What are you doing? Usually I hand out the dice at the start. There you go. Seven points of damage. All right, you hit her with the sword,

and instantly it hisses, and it starts to glow again. The sword. The sword. Next. No, she hit her with the sword and instantly it hisses and it starts to glow again. The sword. No, she doesn't start to glow. She was already glowing because she uses Maybelline. Alright, she attacks you with her claws and she hits you as well

for six points of damage. And now, Bobby, it's your go. I draw my bow and I shoot at her. And I say, eat arrows for dinner, lady. 18. All right, it's difficult to draw an arrow in this cluttered kitchen with imprudence everywhere, but you manage it

and you fire an arrow which aims true and it hits her, 46 plus... That's eight. Eight. And that hits her again and drives her back another step. Out of the corner of your eyes you see a flurry of movement and a puff as an oven seems to come ajar and a being of fire darts out from the oven

and dives towards you. Filjit's now your go. Oh, I get my water skin and I throw it at the fire thing. Just to remind me, what's this water skin full of? Water, right? Yeah, no, this one does have water in it. This is a good one. All right, good.

Go for it. I got an eight. Do I get any other points? An eight won't do it. It lands, but it doesn't open. It lands sodden against the side of the wall. The thing easily dodges you and attacks you. Do you want to roll for it?

Yeah. It uses its fire hands. It's got a fire breath. A 15-foot cone of fire. Just roll the dice, mate. I want to do it. 19. Excellent.

Great. And it hits you for five points of damage. You did my hit points reset. You never told me. No, they didn't reset. Oh, boy. You guys haven't had a break yet since the last fight. Okay, so nine.

Wait, did that really? Wait, don't worry. Sorry. Doesn't matter. Nine. I'm on nine. Yeah. Nice.

Baston, you're next. Oh, shit. I'm real close to being dead. Baston, it's going to... Oh, no. Your hit points rested. You had a nice break while they fought a rust monster. Nice.

Cop that, everyone else. You had a nice break while they fought a rust monster. Nice! Cop that, everyone else! You get a hit dice back. Baston lunges at the hag and says Ah! Hag! Three. And misses. Alright. Suddenly a cauldron

seems to vibrate and fall on its side and sludge pours out from underneath it and seems to drip down the steps towards Bobby before forming a kind of draconic, demonic form and attacking him, missing wildly. Don't even worry about it. God damn it. And Frieza, you're up next.

Give me back my spellbook. So the first thing I say is, Phil, I really need that spellbook, please. Oh, fine. Dringo, what do you want to do? You can have an initiative order, please. Oh, fine. Dringo, what do you want to do? You can have an initiative order, too. Oh, thank you.

I'm going to sling a stone at the fire being. Here I go, slingity slang. Ooh, a nine. Well, plus my dexterity, David. That's 11. That will a nine. Well, plus my dexterity, David. That's 11. That will do it.

Oh. David, thank you. Yep, all right. That's a four plus two, which is a six. It's winged but not impressed. Friso, your go. I yell to Filge. Filge, I really need my spell book, please.

What in it for Filge? Do you want some pants? Do you want these pants worth 500 gold coins? Yeah, give me them pants. I rip on my pants, the press studs along the sides pop open. They were $500 stripper pants is what they were. I fling them at Filch's face and say, give me that spell book, baby.

I sling the book of spells over to Freezo. Freezo, you have your book of spells. You can cast spells again. All right. Can I cast a spell in this action? Yes, you... Oh, look, I don't know. Is it a standard action or is it a free action to remove stripper pants? Can I wear the spell in this action? Yes, you... Oh, look, I don't know. Is it a standard action or is it a free action

to remove stripper pants? Can I wear the pants in this action? I'm going to say for Mastercraft stripper pants, it's a free action, so go ahead. All right, I'm going to Witch Bolt fucking... Who should I do it to? Irena. I Witch Bolt Irena. It's not Irena.

I Witch Bolt Irena. You heard me, Dave. It's Matt Irena. I witch bolt Irena. You heard me, Dave. It's Matt Moira. What? Nothing. Please don't look at me. I rolled a 16. Alright, now you're doing witch bolts correctly this time. Is that a 16? Yeah, that was a 16. What do you mean?

Yeah, plus five. That's 21. Oh, that hits. It's a natural 91. What's a D12 look like? No, that's a D10. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The one Phil chooses. I love when this happens and the people in the audience who are really good at D&D just put their faces in their hands and just wait patiently. That one there is a nine plus.

No, that's just all the damage that is. You should get someone up here to just do counting for us. Great, okay, that does nine points of damage. She hisses and screams and... Take it! Pots and pans go wild. Again, kettle's steaming. The entire room feels like it's about to take off, basically.

And next up is her, and she staggers backwards and points a gnarled finger at you, Friso. Oh, I want to do a... No! Yeah, I want to slash his face. Oh, I want to do... No! Yeah, I want to slash his face. Oh, I want to do... I want to slash his face. No!

Slash his face. Slash his face. Why am I tanking it? 17. That will do it. Okay, congratulations. She slashes at your face. Oh my God, you are...

You're about to get slashed in the face! You're really going to need that MF Doom mask. Step to me in my kitchen, I'll slash you! Who would have thought that having a pantsless warlock as the party front line would end badly? She does nine points of damage to you. Fuck, why is the naked warlock tanking this? Well, otherwise we have an almost dead half-orc barbarian.

Excellent, okay, great. Next up is Bobby. I use my cunning action to cast Mage Hand and grab the water flask that has dropped to the ground. The water flask which is lying on the floor. You manage to grab it and you can throw it back to yourself. Yeah, and then I toss it at the fire man. What is he?

Fire elemental? It's a method. It's a method. A magma method. Magma. Roll the dice. Magma. Roll the dice. Magma. All right.

Excellent. That is just enough. With your Huffling dexterity, that is enough. It is unexpecting it, so it's a sneak attack, double damage, because it is... That'll take it out. With a hiss of steam and a puff of smoke, it screams, and in the steam, explodes in a burst of steam and a puff of smoke, it screams and in the steam explodes in a burst of lava.

Does it do damage to anyone it hits? It would have, except that you're all outside five feet because you attacked it with a thrown weapon. But the lava goes all over a bench and starts a fire, so the room is now on fire. Good grief. You're messing up my kitchen. What will God and Flamsy think? Well, she hasn't quite gotten it. Phil, you're up next.

Oh, boy. Phil just freaking out. Freaking out or getting angry? She's getting really angry now that you mention it. I'm going to go into a rage. Yeah. Excellent. Can I also, in a frenzy.

Oh, great. Yeah, okay. All right, so you're going to get two attacks. Yeah, baby. And what I'm going to do is I am going to throw a rusty spear that I got from the castle right into the chest of Mad Moira. Okay, all right. For dinner.

Shish kebab. You have proficiency with javelins, so go ahead. 19 will do it. Bam. Your aim is true. How does Alex attack twice with a javelin? Do you run and grab it and go again? You run, you grab it, you sprint back, you throw it again.

It's kind of like playing darts in Super Fast Forward. Hatcha! Hatcha! Eat! Eat spear! Eat spear, I say. And then I got a 3 plus 4 is 7 and then with a sort of, almost a dancer's

grace, you turn the throw into an unslinging motion for your maul and bring it around for your free rage frenzy attack. So you can make one more attack now quickly. Which bolt? Which bolt? Oh, I don't want my attack. I go at it with my maul. Yep.

No, your maul, which also hits. 18 will beat 17. So you do one D8 plus four. And your D12, your weird dice. d12 plus 4, 8, 9, 10, 11. Damn it. 7. 7, 11 and you do 11 points of damage

and she flies backwards against a boiling cauldron and tumbles into it. Shrieking in scream as mist as a sort of mist? Is that the word? Steam! Steam is the word I'm thinking of. Have I been saying mist this whole time?

Anyway, steam covers the room, and in that moment, she seems to disappear. The mud creature shrieking flies back with her, crying out, and what feels like an icy grasp on your heart, Dringo, a feeling that you have lived with since your name day to this day, you feel for the first time in your life has cracked and disappeared, for you are no longer beheldon to Mad Moira and her 500-year curse. You're beheldon to Friso.

For Ding Dong, the witch is dead, and Friso, I guess, is now your master. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! This is so good! Surely this is out of the frying pan into a sweet meadow where

nothing bad will ever happen to me. Dave, are there any baddies left? No, I would... I summon Mushu and make him fight. Let's do it. Come on. I mean Bushu would I summon Mushu and make him fight Let's do it Come on I mean Bushu I summon Bushu and make him fight Come on little dragon

What do you want? Little dragon What? I'm a A proto dragon? I'm a fairy dragon Fairy dragon Proto yourself you fucktard

Proto dragon This happens every time You don't even know what I am We are different you know What I am. We are different, you know. What you are. While they are fighting, I walk over to what remains of Moira and I say, what for entree?

Moira for entree. And I look around really proudly. Oh, oh, let's all take turns saying like seven things. Okay, okay. And then I go back. And you go back to the line, like, two slides to the anyway? Like a good line, yeah. And I say, I guess you got your just desserts.

Yeah. And Bastard says... And then he goes back into the line. Hag a nice day. You go on, you go on, Dringo? Yeah. Hag a nice day. You going, Drinker?

Yeah. Come on, National Theatre Sports Champion Tom Walker. Go for it. Please, Michael. I prefer to be known as Best Newcomer Tom Walker now. It's so hard to know which one you want. Tell us a joke, Tom. Tell us a fucking joke. Okay, here it is.

This kitchen must be on national television because there's no cursing. I'm the greatest comedian who ever lived. As the steam... Oh, come on, what are you doing? I had one in the chamber. As the steam as the steam clears

you can see for the first time other figures were witnesses, silent witnesses to this fight, small wretched figures line the room some of them chopping meat, some of them preserving ham, in fact I think we have a picture

of what they look like oh the dice monster a picture of what they look like. Oh, the dice monster! Is it a ham? Oh, it's the same thing. And one of them in the silence drops a tray which clatters with an almost too loud for the space as they look up at you.

Sorry! And then I bend down to one of them and I say, You belong to us now. Don't ever forget what we did for you. Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss. The eldest of them, which you can tell for the tiny, they are all identical, but the tiny tuft on his hair is a wizened white instead of like a matted grey approaches you with concern etched on his face.

Please, we've been here for so long. We just want to mine gemstones and play Scrabble on weekends. mine gemstones and play Scrabble on weekends. Please, I haven't had a triple word score in 500 years. Please, I just want to touch those tiny wood tiles between my fingers and line up a good old seven pointer on the first word. I mean seven letterer, which is a 50 bonus points. I just can't wait to put a Q next to a U and see that 10 next to the one

and maybe even get a triple letter on the way to a triple word. He's babbling, but his tears rely. A man whose emotions are almost at wit's end. Remlin, what is your name? Gremlin? He's a nerd. You can call me Duke.

Duke Nukem. No! No, you can't. Okay, how about Nuke Dukem? Nuke Okay, how about Nook Dookum Nook Nook Dookum It seems you're very much into Scrabble Can I ask you, have you been vaccinated?

Of course We've all been vaccinated I say Nook In the morning You, all your people Can have Scrabble. But tonight, we march on strong! A cheer resounds as each gnome picks up a meat cleaver,

cheering for their new leaders. More of them seem to file through the doors. Triple word. Balconies. Triple word. You hadn't noticed. Triple word. And you can hear an army. Triple word. Triple word. For you now.

Triple word. Have friends at last. Dragon Friends is damned by David Harmon with music by me Benny Davis and features the voices of Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey and Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website and the podcast is sponsored by PAX Australia, the country's best video games and pop culture expo, on this year in Melbourne, November 4-6. If you'd like to find out more and book tickets, visit thedragonfriends.com slash PAX. Thanks!