Dragon Friends - #2.11. But I'm Riding A She-Orc with Zoe Norton-Lodge

Episode Date: September 9, 2016

Ireena Kolyana awaits her rescue in the cold and musty towers of Castle Ravenloft. Perhaps she dreams even now heroes are riding to her rescue? Well what she gets is the Dragon Friends.Featuring special guest Zoe Norton Lodge! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Deep Gnomes of the Moptop Clan have been sworn to the ancient house of Strahd for 500 years, tricked into their servitude by one of his powerful retainers, the hag Mad Moira. With Moira's death, the Moptops have earned a measure of freedom, but they remain unable to escape the land until the vampire count is dead and his curse lifted from Barovia. Count is dead and his curse lifted from Barovia. Their leader, a wizened and pitiful creature who, for some reason, insists that his name is Nuke-Dukum, leads you with gnarled hands through the kitchens and servants' quarters that have been his people's world for a century.

Deep gnomes have been born, raised families, and died in these larders of ill omen, and escape has never been a possibility until now. Dukem gathers his people in one of the main cellars of the kitchen, a huge room scattered with dusty crates and forgotten barrels of ale and lard. Tonight, it is filled with hundreds of deep gnomes stacked around tables, gantries, loading bays, anywhere they can fit. Nuke Dukeum indicates for you to lift him onto a table, which Filge gently does. He clears his throat to speak to the crowd. Ahem.

My people! My people! Brothers, sisters of the Moptop Clan. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Quiet, he's talking. These brave adventurers have slain the evil hag Mad Moira. Mad Moira. They will lead us from this place. So that we might always mine gems. See, this was a funny idea three episodes ago.

But they're like a major part of the plot. Yeah. So that we may play Scrabble in peace. But we must aid them in their fight against evil Count Spryburn Jeremy. There is a huge cheer at the Count's name.

Actually, can we get that for Molly? For the podcast? I think we just did. Nah. One more time, ready? All your best groupie voices say it again. One, two, three. Yeah! Very cool. You used to be on my side.

Yeah. Now I've spoken to my people in their tongue. We may converse freely. Ah, yes, very good. Yeah. So, well, I've got to talk to them again. Did you want to say anything to my people, dragon friends, that I should translate? Could you ask them if they have any armor or weapons?

Oh, indeed we do. And with that, you can... I think I should ask them, Dave. Do you think I should ask them? Go right ahead. My people! Deep in the mountain we have stored a trove of weapons. So you used the weapons trove? Yes. Should we give them you, motherfuckers?

Didn't we just free you from servitude? What the fuck's going on? Give us some weapons. There was a yes. Oh, there was a yes? My mistake? Me so sorry for me friend, he not fluent. Nuke Dukeum claps his hands three times and a bevy of mopped up

wenches come forward with trays, platters filled with cheeses, foods, ointments, which you can apply to heal all your wounds to maximum hit points. And... Ointment? And a... Ointment? And all... And for you,

can I get you an ointment? And a... Ointment. And for you, can I get you an ointment? And all... I just want to make sure that everybody is good for ointments. Ointment, ointment, ointment, ointment. Ointment's here. Six mob-top tailors also move forward and are carrying between them three sets of fine Barovian clothing. So for anyone who finds themselves naked,

wearing half a suit of armour or just a Hessian sack... Ooh, me. Yep. ..you now have a proper set of clothes. Can we make requests? Can you make requests? Yeah. Are they doing alterations? Yeah, they'll do on-the-spot alterations. I would like a baker's outfit again, please.

I'm writing that into my loot. All right, you have a fine Barovian baker's outfit. I would like a cape befitting of my position as a strong and powerful wizard. Simon, do you have any requests? wizard? Oh, yeah. Simon, do you have any requests? Um, yeah. Can I get like a silk kind of scarf with the eye holes cut

out kind of like a ninja turtle? Hours pass and the energy in the room seems to wane as I would like some tights but they've already gone. I have another request. Oh, my God.

Can I get clothes that stretch Hulk style so that when I turn into a werewolf, I'm still wearing a dapper suit of clothes? Can we retcon that, please? Yes. You know what? You can have that. That's fine.

So you all are given outfits except for Baston, who, if anything, seems to be snubbed. And... I don't think this is fair. And hours pass as the night turns into morning. We're the dressed. Kind of an in-jerk. Or if he takes off all his clothes to get the fitting and he says,

I'm undressed! Better. As the morning crows begin to sound the tailor's finish, their frankly unnecessary task, and it is up to Duke him to rally his now frankly bored people. So this he does in a manner which is irritating and we won't go into. Triple!

And... Word! Go! And soon, a army, a veritable army of mop tops wielding cleavers, pitchforks and tiny daggers is marching you out of the kitchens, out of the servants' quarters towards the main stairway

that will take you through the grate into the courtyard of Castle Ravenloft. Last chance for ointment? Ointment? Last chance for ointment? Have they given us any weapons? I know you used up all your requests on tailoring adjustments.

So the magic swords are put away in a box again. You know, I would have thought they would have wanted the magic swords. But okay, they weren't into it. May I have an ointment to store for later? Yeah, they also give you each an ointment that is the equivalent of a potion of healing. You know what this ointment is? No. Don't.

It's fine. It's't. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Paint a word picture. What does the ointment look like? Dukem leads you to the stairwell and soon you are facing the grate that took you down here. However

at this point the procession comes to a halt. Halt! We will go nowhere further. No further. What? We will go no further. Why not? Can anybody be so very clear? We will go no further.

Sorry, what? Did you say Bob Dobbelina, Mr. Bob Dobbelina? Bob Dobbelina, Mr. Bob Dobbelina. Sorry, could you repeat that more slowly? We will go no further. No, we got that bit. What was the reasoning? It is customary for the Map Top Clan,

we do not go above ground. We do not go above ground. But surely these are special circumstances. Your lives depend on it. We are bound by tradition. That's why I wear these shoes.

Traditionally, you were also enslaved. Underground. Yeah, it was really the underground part that was important. Can we convince you? Why don't you go ahead and make a persuasion roll? Yes, I roll a persuasion.

Using your natural charisma. My natural charisma is 17. Actually, no, do you know what? Forget your roll. Forget your rubbish roll. No, no, no. I'm going to make you do it. We have these amazing new dice.

We have been provided dice by Level Up Dice, which are... Yeah, give them a clap. Give them a clap. Give them a clap. This is really cool. So we have a bunch of, like, anodized aluminium dice from, like, a limited run. They do semi-precious metals.

They've also given us... I can't tell, but this is very hot. I would say that this is 100 degrees. Listen to how heavy this dice is. And this one, this is pure tungsten, so... It's 0.1 of a kilogram, people. That could really do some damage. Yeah, you could kill someone with this dice.

If that was in drug weight, it would be worth a lot. Absolutely. Give me a D20, let's roll for this. So this is going to be your dice of inspiration, which we gave you last episode. Oh, thank you. Why don't you try the d20 out for this ill-attempted

persuasion roll. You rolled a seven. Duke looks at you pitifully and repeats Oh. No. And they begin to leave. Can you give us any words of advice moving forward? In the Western Wing Tower... Yes.

Often a lilting song is heard drifting from the window. And lights can be seen coming also. That is where he keeps his, that's where we've been sending the food every day. So if there's somebody alive who can eat food, the plates always come back empty. So I assume they like it. So that's where I'd go, but I'm not you. I'm not you. I mean, I'm bound to stay underground, too.

We gotta stay underground. Question, if you're bringing food to them... But he's already gone. We bid our gnome friends farewell and we head towards the western wing. Now, as Duke Emma told you, the west wing tower, the tower that is the

southwestern corner of Castle Ravenloft, this castle high on the Balinox, is the, it is also the tower that you, Bobby, first saw light coming from, and it seems to be the only inhabited part of the castle. Now, the gnomes have told you that the guest chambers are in the first floor,

and this is likely where you will find Irina, the woman that you have been seeking more or less haphazardly for a week now. It's only been a week. Really? I feel like we've been doing this for... But he also warns you to stay out of the second and third floors of the tower unless you want to

face Strahd's wrath. Is it broad daylight? It was night, but your tailoring adjustments have forced us into early morning. So we can pretty much charge on straight through the courtyard to the tower because vampires hate sunlight. True that.

Famously they do. We charge through the courtyard. Excellent. All right. Dukem has left you with a key, the same key which originally brought you down in here, and you turn it twice. It opens, and the grate opens, and you are now in the courtyard heading towards the tower. What can we see?

Do you want to do a perception check? Yeah, actually, everybody make a perception test. 14. 20. Oh, well done. Natural 20? Yes. I remember when you all used to clap a natural 20.

Phil, you noticed that not only is the Western Wing seems to be the only populated area, but as a barbarian and I presume sort of an expert of settlements, does that make sense? Let's keep going with it. Me studied settlements in school. The other areas are in fact in ill repute and disrepair. So it looks like most of this castle is actually falling apart.

Only an effort has been made to keep the west tower upright. The others, the roofs have been taken out. There is rot and it's all fucked up real estate is what I'm trying to say. He's like a real doer-upperer. Yeah, a lot of rising damp. You make your way towards the tower

and soon find yourselves in a small entryway, a kind of atrium area where stairs lead up, surrounded and flanked by burning braziers, and at the top of these stairs is a doorway, and the

doorway is closed. I scream out, Strut! We're here for um... For my love! We are here for Irina, and we won't leave until we have her. Please. Well, there go me idea of sneaking in.

Okay, your voice echoes foolishly around the tower and only these sort of angry bats that have been dislodged by the echoes falling to the ground. Oh, I was sleeping. Seems to be your only response. Very nice. Can I talk to bats? I think I have animal speech, right?

You do have beast speech. I forgot about that. Can I talk to these bats? You can understand what they're saying. You can't talk back to them. I found the biggest moth last night. Oh, she was juicy. Oh, you're leaving it for me?

Of course you bloody didn't. No, not first in, first dressed. And I'm dressed in a moth. Oh, you're horrible, you. Oh, you're bloody horrible. You wish you could get some of this. I like our talks. Well, I've been disturbed enough. I like our talks. I like our talks.

Well, I've been disturbed enough. I might go back to sleep now. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. We... Bobby...

We sneak past the now sleeping bats and creep upstairs towards the top of the tower where we assume Strahd is. Excellent, okay. So making your way through the stairs, you come onto the first floor of the Western Tower and it opens into a surprisingly lavish and tastefully furnished apartment.

A fire roaring in the corner, side tables lay about dotted with fruit, books, and tall white candles that burn with a bright, steady light. Now a set of spiralling stone stairs ensconced in the western wall leads up to a landing and a wooden door, which is locked, which you can see from here, but for now the room is yours.

I use the fire to light a torch, because I think you can burn vampires. And I want to be prepared. I don't know if the audience is with you, but you light a torch. Congratulations. Alright, I'm just going to be prepared.

Bobby made a steak, but like, you know, each to their own You've confused vampires with wood Alright then, the second thing I do is I use But it is too late Can Baston see if he can smell arena?

Just like in the air? You can, you know her the air? Yes, you can. You know her signature scent? Yeah, it's... What is her signature? It's Lanesh 5 number. Is that a 13? That's a 13.

Do you know what? You can smell Lanesh 5 number wafting down that single staircase from behind that door. I smell my love. I am the best. I lick my hand and I

slick Baston's hair down and fix up his moustache and beard and I hold his head in my hands and I say, go to her. Do I look good? Do I look good though? Am I ready? I'm ready, aren't I? I'm ready.

You're ready. Okay. I'm just sorry just to stop. I'm really perplexed that Baston has a moustache. Is that canon? He just grew it just then Just pushed it out Wow He's a very virile young boy

Very virile I'm going to give him a big slap on the butt To push him up the stairs And the other one I didn't know Baston had two butts either but I guess I wasn't paying attention So I think the three of us make a decision to stay back

to let Baston have some alone time with Irina That is surprisingly socially aware of Frieza That is showing an amount of social graces I would not hitherto expect Frieza just knows how to lay some bait, is what he does. He doesn't trust his Irina.

I've been burnt before. Last time we saw Irina, she turned out to be Mad Moira, so I reckon... The last time she wasn't Mad Moira, that was a disguised self-spell. What? No, she was Mad Moira, but she wasn't Irina. What? What is wrong with you? We let Baston go by himself and we hang back and... Eat fruit. Irina. What? What is wrong with you?

We let Baston go by himself and we hang back and eat fruit. I'm not going to eat the fruit just in case it turns out to be like... Thyroids. Thyroids. Baston bounds up the stairs and kicks the door down. He wants to do like a

flying kick and then like a land with his hands on his hips and make a strength check. Yeah on his hips and boom. Make a strength check. Yeah, because he's strong. Plus two. One. That is a critical fail. Oh.

Okay. Baston puts a hand up and the dragon friends quietly agree that it's time for him to go forward and meet his love, a woman that he has now for a week since the mystery of the pillar stone sought for and has not rested until he found her. He makes his way up the stairs and with a flying kick in the style of the Eastern martial artists of whom he read as a boy attempts to knock the door down. Three things happen almost immediately. First up, he breaks a toe, rebounds back and hits the rather frail, in retrospect, wrought iron balcony at the top of it,

which then instantly snaps and he falls down into the common area while the door remains closed. Landing on his feet. Taking four hit points of damage. How fast can he do one of those things, you know, where you're lying on your back and you like jump up so you land on your feet?

With a broken toe? I'm going to try and save this, people. Here we go. One! Seven. No, it's a seven. You wanted a one so bad. With a broken toe? Here we go. I'm going to try and save this, people. Here we go. One. Seven. No, it's a seven. It's a seven. You wanted a one so bad. I wanted a one.

I kind of wanted a one too. Do you know what? It's a seven and you've broken a toe. He immediately... I've broken a toe. Too proud, he refuses your help to get up and then tries to jump up onto his foot and then starts crying.

I would have liked him to, just for the record, because I've always wanted to see someone do this, like overdo it and then just go like, and face plant. That's a one. That's a natural one. Can I take a strength check to hold back my tears? Yes.

No, you know what? You can take a charisma check for this one. Oh, charisma check to sell not being really sad. Yeah. It's an 18. Yeah, hold back those tears. You guys are all baffled that despite having done this, Bastogne seems oddly proud of himself.

I'd follow that man anywhere. Wow, he actually made that look cool. All right. The door remains locked. Here we go again. Whoa, whoa, whoa that look cool. Alright. The door remains locked. Here we go again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me have a crack at it. Bobby pulls out

his little cloth roll of hooks and shit and heads upstairs rolling a... Three. Three. Does he trip on the stairs? Do I trip

and all of my tools somehow fall through the keyhole to the other side of the door? I think a three means that you realise that you left your lockpicking tool at the last door you tried to pick last week. Oh, yeah. I'm going to pick up Bastogne like a baby and walk up the stairs and kick it open for him and carry him through the threshold of the room.

Strength check advantage. Two dice. Oh, 19 for the first one. Oh. With a half-orc's natural grace and beauty, you pick up Baston and kick the door, which immediately falls over... ..and you can make your way into the room. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Over. And you can make your way into the room.

I've never felt so small before. Inside the smell of... Lanesh. Lanesh. Lanesh. Five number. Inside the smell of Lanesh five number is almost overpowering as you find yourself in a room full of heavy red drapery and dominated by a vast silken canopied four-poster bed.

A figure can be seen just inside, in the dim light of the drawn canopy, inside the bed, sitting up, studying something. My love, I have come to rescue you. My love, I have come to rescue you. And after ten episodes of searching to play Irina Kolyana, the woman lost of Barovia, please welcome to the stage, from the Chasers Election Desk and the checkout and story club, Zoe Norton-Lodge!

Lodge! Very exciting. Hello. Is that Zoe or is that Irina? That's Irina. Okay. My love, the time has come for you to be rescued, which is what is happening now

are you still in the arms of yes nice I am beaming like a proud mum did you did you bring me any Lanesh 5 number

duty free from outside the castle alas my love any Lanesh 5 number duty free from outside the castle? Alas my love I didn't Oh no. You can't quite see but through the gauzy drapery of the canopy bed the figure seems taken aback. I'm not impressed.

Nice for you to rescue but everything else you in the arms, not impressed. Not sexy. But I'm riding a she-orc. I like the she-orc. Hello. Hello.

Hello. I'm really starstruck and I just shuffle from foot to foot. Carry me closer. Sensing some awkwardness from downstairs. And wanting a bit of that. Like, must do it lame. I cast, I kind of can hear the conversation, and I cast, Friso casts Prestidigitation

to make everything smell like Lanesh 5 number. That's great. All right, so a burst of this, frankly, cheap and tawdry perfume fills the air. Mmm. You want to get in on this magic show, Simon? I will use...

Just pick a spell, any spell. Sure. Oh, I will use charm person. Okay. To charm Irina. Can I do it on behalf of somebody else? No, she will fall in love with you. Alright, I'll do it anyway.

Irina, go ahead and make a willpower saving throw. That's with that dice there. Use the yellow one. What am I trying to do? All you have to do is roll 11 or higher. You're trying to resist his charms. No, sorry, 12 or higher.

His magical charms. All right. Okay, come on. Please, please, please, please. Okay, Irina, you have a... You suddenly see a quite handsome strapping halfling walking up the stairs behind Bastogne. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Did you come to rescue me? Yep, yep, all of us did. We're here to just help you out. I can't see anybody else. Okay, well, that's free, so that's... I have a molecular degeneration.

All I can from love and all I can see is you. Babe, babe, this isn't cool. Well, my name's Bobby. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, best name. Oh, Bobby, best name. Well, let's hope that's this. Hey, Dick, I thought we were friends. What the fuck is this?

I tried to cast a spell to help you out, brother. Bobby Best's name? Well, let's hope that's this. Hey, Dick, I thought we were friends. What the fuck is this? I tried to cast a spell to help you out, brother. Well, thanks, but no thanks. Oh, well, like the best of good intentions, etc., etc. Yeah, well, pave the road to my butt. Your two butts, please. Butts. The room is, as I said, lavishly filled And Irina, smitten with Bobby as she is

Quickly tells you of what has happened since she disappeared Tell us, what has happened since you've disappeared? Well, I, you know, I stay here I eat all this cheese. I wait. I call Amazon. I ask for Lanesh's five number. Never arrive. I hang out. There's a vampire. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, a vampire? Tell us everything you can about him. Well, he bring me food. It's quite nice. But this one, he won't let me leave, which I don't like. I prefer to be able to leave.

But this room is quite nice. So easy come, easy go. Wait, wait, the vampire wants you to leave? No. No, he won't let me leave. Oh, he won't let you leave. Okay. Her thick Barovian accent

confuses you momentarily. Yes, yes. He's confused because of the love. Yep. All the love is... Excuse me one moment. Okay.

I go over to the guys and I'm like this girl is crazy I say to Bobby look I just don't think that's an ethically like alright spell for you to even be toying with I feel like I feel like it leads to a lot of

really dicey areas, and I'm... Dicey, good one. Yeah. And I just think that you need to take responsibility for your actions. And I say... I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant. Sorry, seriously? Yes. With a vampire baby? With a you Bobby Bobby baby. Look, as far as I'm concerned, little Bobby hasn't been let out of his pants. So technically, that's impossible.

I don't know what you're talking about. Dave just made a face. Dungeon Dave, what does that face mean? What that face means is that while she is gravitating towards Bobby and explaining her predicament, you notice a chill starts to enter the room

and the temperature begins to drop. Hold me close, a village. At that moment... I'm still downstairs in the downstairs room. No, you've all wandered upstairs at this point. As the mercury seems to drop as well, wind picks up and suddenly the door,

the windows that are sort of latticed and barred snap open. And a huge gust of wind with what seems like a monstrous swarm of shrieking bats flies into the room. And every candle is immediately distinguished. Oh, I didn't want to be awake right now. Oh, this is just the worst inconvenience. The moment is slightly less scary for Friso who can understand what the bats are saying. Ow, ow. Ow, this is just the worst. Ow, it's inconvenient. Ow. The moment is slightly less scary for Friso, who can understand what the bats are saying,

but for everyone else, it's very arcane and impressive. And as the bats spin and shriek, they coalesce into a figure. God, I knew it! A figure that you have seen but once before with a dark and aristocratic frame dressed in Barovian silks, rings and finery with a voice smooth and honeyed yet with an edge like burnished steel.

A new voice. A voice we have not heard. A voice that is perhaps fearsome, foreboding and you know, like what Dave asked for and as that figure coalesces, it snaps and turns towards you. And he says slightly different angle on this one, he goes, G'day, cunts! Welcome to me castle!

Oh, yeah! Here you find yourself in my fucking castle. It's haunted as shit, mate. There we are. Nice. Is this Chopper Reed? It's not dissimilar. Be thankful it's not. It's not quite Chopper Reed, though.

It's more Australian comedian Heath Ledger playing Chopper Reed. Look, it's by way of that. Do you want it to be worse? This is legible. It says here a smooth voice. Can you make that same voice smoother? Okay, ready? Put some Brian Brown on it. Yeah, okay.

All right, g'day, guys. How's it going? But, like, with a growl under that? Yeah, g'day, guys. Welcome to... Yeah, you find yourself in my castle. That's nice. That must be nice for you to be here. Wes, just quick question, quick cue for you guys. Do you guys got an invite to be here? I guess you do, do you?

Last time I checked, vampires are the ones who need invitations. And then he goes, great joke, smartass! And he raises a hand and pushes it toward Bobby. Can I jump out of the way? Absolutely. You know what? Make a dexterity check right away. That will not do it. Was that a six? Alright. Alright. Suddenly a whole person spell grabs you and you are paralysed.

Look at that. Can't even move. So what's the go here? What's the plan, guys? You have kidnapped my love and I have come to reclaim her. Put me down, Filge. Me not sure it's safe for you. Me don't want to lose another friend.

Who did you lose before? Me brother? Oh, yeah. That's a push. Do you know what? Casting a spell brings you into combat. Can I talk? Yeah, you can still talk, but it's a great effort.

Right. Ready? Let's fight. I run to the curtains and I open them. Well, we're going to go into combat order, so I have my initiative order here from before. And having just moved as the vampire, the next person to move is Bobby.

Bobby, you can try and break the spell if you want, so why don't you go ahead and make a savings throw, a dexterity savings throw. 20! All right. Woo! No, it's not expected. With trademark halfling nimbleness,

you are able to break free from the spell. However, that does take up your action for the turn. You can move normally next time. Baston, you are next. Baston cries, Charge! And hopefully Philz will charge me towards the vampire. And he delays

his action until Phil just turns. Excellent. Can Strahd have a line? Yep. Hey, was it a super great idea to just announce what you're going to do before doing it? Friso, you're next. Okay, I take this opportunity because of self-preservation. I use prestidigitation again to make my entire body smell like garlic really strongly.

You can make a cubic foot of yourself smell like garlic. So you have to pick which part. Your balls! Okay, it's the dick and balls area. So that includes thighs and my lower stomach. It's all garlic. No, neck! Neck!

Neck! Why would I not go neck? Neck! Neck, neck. Too late. Too late. Neck and face, neck and face. It is the peen and balls.

Phil, it's your neck. Suck. I, fine, I charge at the vampire with my head lowered like I'm going to headbutt him and hopefully... Throw me! All right, and I hurl Baston at the vampire. This is a charge attack with advantage, so two dice and... For me? Roll the highest. No, no, you have decided to put yourself firmly in the Baston quarter.

Me a horsey. Roll two, kid the highest. Fifteen. Fifteen will do it with your strength, so you charge forward and you hit the vampire with your dagger, I presume? No, kind of just like in a Superman pose. He gave you the option for a dagger.

A wooden dagger, a wooden dagger. You don't have a wooden dagger dagger You don't have a wooden dagger I don't have a wooden dagger, I'll just use my fist Alright, you punch him As soon as you punch him, he feels cold and like the grave and strong as a petrified corpse and he laughs at you

Let me ask you on a scale of 1 to 10 How'd that plan out for you? I thought it went pretty well. And then does he have an action? No soon because the next one who has an action is Irena. I watch. And now you can go. Can you give me a stridey thing that I can do to hurt Baston?

Absolutely. Or incapacitate him somehow? Oh, yeah. Actually, this is great. It's like, all right, smartass. You seem like the bloody brains of the operation. You seem pretty strong. You seem pretty buff.

Wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley. You know what I'm saying? Guess what, you fuck? Suggestion! And then he turns Baston on everybody. Okay, quickly. I need you to, again, this is a DC saving throw, so you need to make a throw.

This is wisdom-based, so... All right, 12 will not do it against a powerful magic. Use a leg stride. And instantly, a cloud seam of rage seems to fill you, and you turn and see Frozen Bobby, the man who has stolen your beloved. Frozen. No longer frozen, but still looking short and kickable. But he's still on my shoulders, right?

No, you threw him. You threw him. And Bobby, it is now your turn. Alright. Hey Strahd, you bag of dick nuts And I reach into my bag and I pull out the relic of Paylor Hey fuckface, recognise this? Oh, what are ya?

And then he kind of goes quiet a little bit And he goes, oh yeah, yeah right, eh? I wonder what would happen if I broke this into a thousand tiny shards. Oh no, please don't put it in your arsehole. Oh no, if you put it in your arsehole, I'd be doomed. And I whisper, Bobby, me think you need to put in arsehole. Just like I show you. Oh no, no, no, don't shove it right up your butt.

I need you to make a decision, Simon, what you're going to do with the relic. I raise it above my head as if I'm about to shatter it on the ground. That's not where your asshole is. Pull me once, shame on you. All right, I need you instantly to make a wisdom saving throw.

And normally no one else would get to make the saving throw, but because Filch, you have Danger Sense, I need you to also make one for me. Just 120? I got two! Alright, what about you? I got ten. Okay, Filch, you think he needs to put it in his arsehole.

Listen to me, bro, I'm really sure about this. Bobby, you suddenly have an inclination that there's a, sort of a tell from the vampire's eye that maybe this would be playing into his hands and he wants it destroyed. This definitely not playing into his hands. You know what? Maybe I'll just keep this for myself.

Maybe you'd like to have a bargain. I'll sell it to you. Oh, great, bloody great, the word Aldi now. What the fuck are you talking about? And the next one is Bastogne. All right. I want to kick Bobby in the head. You draw your dagger, in fact, and you attack Bobby.

Under suggestion. All right. Take this, you little weasel. Next lead is armor class 14, five. Five. You are shit and you miss. Baston lunges at you to stab you. Is it my action?

No, it is Friso. As per my request, and it's all my pants are stripper pants, I remove my baker's outfit to reveal my and bearing in mind I wanted this to be my neck. I wanted this to be my neck. I brandished my garlic flavoured dong

at the vampire. Sorry, I wanted it to be my neck. I drew my long sword, which is separate to the garlic flavoured dong, and I attack... Look, odds I attack, Scraad, evens I attack.

No, roll. All right. That will do it. So 14 plus 5 is 19, which is enough. So you draw your sword, make some unnecessary gestures, and you stab your sword through this magical sword that you've carried with you since you got it from Albrecht Rumsfeld, I believe his name was. Who knows who I stole this sword from?

Anyway, you stab the sword of Rumsfeld deep into his heart. Come on! Oh, gosh. Oh, no, not a sword. Through my heart. Gosh, where did you get this? A shop? Oh, no.

You know, the last guy tried to, let me tell you a funny story. Last guy, he had an axe made in the heart of a dying star from a different universe. But gosh, a sword from a shop. And as you pull it out, there is no wound, nothing. He seems unperturbed. And with mocking laughter, he negs you. Filge. I have an amulet that I have.

And I throw it at his head. Okay, this is the broken soul stone that you once used to like summon a cleric yeah that doesn't work anymore that one yeah I am magic be gone vampire no effects all right Help me, my love. Okay, I find a secret bottle of Lanesh 5 number. Bad, bad for Mr. Vampire. And I spray in his eye. Do I roll? Yeah, make a dexterity saving throw to scent the vampire.

Scent him to death. Like sentence, but perfume. Scent him to death. Like sentence, but perfume. Scent. It's easy. So I just need to beat eight because it's just a touch attack. Okay. I don't win.

All right. But I will say that Strahd actually seems a little bit touched and kind of turns to the group and goes, oh, you see this? It's a bloody lovers games that we play,

Petrina and I. Oh, it's like this all the time. Anyway, it's my turn. It is your turn. He turns on Bobby and goes, that was kind of rude from before. And he casts Disintegrate on Bobby. Oh, okay. I need you to make a saving throw.

Again, this will be DC 10, so I just need you to do it right here. I need it to be 11 or higher. Dice, camp, dice, camp. Oh. That was an 11 and became a 9. You're going to use your dice of inspiration. Inspiration, guys. Come on, come on, dice of inspiration.

17. 17. Okay, a moment of sudden clarity seems to reach you and with instincts more than cunning, you take the Relic of Palar and you thrust it in front of you. The moment the disintegration ray hits it, a powerful hum fills the room and suddenly wild fey magics seem to break

and shatter against the shores of something older, eldritch and impenetrable. The relic hums and then seems to turn in on itself somehow. And in that moment, the disintegration ray shatters and seems to fly back into Strahd, who screams a high-pitched wail of pain. Yeah, yeah! to Strahd who screams a high-pitched wail of pain. And instantly explodes in a cloud of bats which shriek. Oh, back to bed then.

Oh, he's bats again. And with gusts and shrieks of pain fly out through the window. You think you hear through the wind a voice taunting you as it dissipates. Jokes on you dickheads, I'm bats now! And as the dragon friends, bruised but not broken,

regather themselves, it seems that the room is once more theirs. But questions remain. Why did the vampire refer to Irina as Petrina, his one true love? What is the deal with this relic? and how good that you didn't break it? These are all thoughts that Bobby has and also maybe he needs to sit down and have a conversation with Baston. But there is time enough for that, for time is at last with them and time shall be theirs for as long as they can survive on these, the adventures of the Dragon Friends.

Thank you. Dragon Friends is DM'd by David Harmon, with music this week by Liam and Dan Scarrett, and features the voices of Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey, Ben Jenkins and Michael Hing, with special guest this episode, Zoe Norton-Lodge as Irina. The podcast is edited by me, Benny Davis, and sponsored by PAX Australia,

the country's primo video games and pop culture expo. And if you like the podcast, we have a Patreon where you can support us and earn bonus content and weird gifts, including an hour-long Star Wars one-shot adventure. Thanks for listening.