Dragon Friends - #2.13. That's So Weird, The Vampire Named Strahd Too with Zoe Norton-Lodge

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

More clues come to light about the shadowy house of Strahd and the motives of the vampire count. The Dragon Friends try their hand at grave robbing. Freezo finds a magic coin. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If it's spooky, don't be frightened. Scurry home and bar the doors. And the fiends and ghouls delight in things that's scarce. Be well aware as you make your way. Don't be led astray, for the goal is near. And your friends are here. And there's plenty more in store. The gilded finery of the library of Castle Ravenloft towers all around you,

and yet there is little comfort to be had in this place. Your recent victory over the Library's guardian has brought you a measure of respite, but time is not on your side. The Library has, however, provided you with information critical to your quest. The terrible and lamentable history of the noble house of Strahd has explained much of the misery and tragedy that befell this ancient family.

Now you realize that it was Strahd's own madness that led him to kill his brother Sergei out of jealousy and that Sergei's namesword is likely the only weapon that can free him from the curse of undeath that has ruined these lands. The maw of the mimic chest lies open in front of you,

and you are free to loot its corpse. Gross. Well, once again, kind of traditional in D&D, but I put treasure in front of you guys, and you butter each other up instead. I get right in there, and I take everything in the chest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You already got my spell book.

Give me this fucking loot. Freezo runs in and he takes a small bag containing 120 gold coins, a scroll enclosed in wax, a hooded burnished lantern, a breastplate of elven design, and an ancient key. Hang on, hang on. I didn't get all that. Okay, dude. You didn't get all that.

No, I didn't. Yeah, because I... You didn't get it all. I wrote down the coins and some sort of breath away. I don't know you get it all if I didn't get all that. Okay, dude. You didn't get all that. No, I didn't. Yeah, because I... You didn't get it all. I wrote down the coins and some sort of breath plate. I don't know you get it all if you didn't get it all. All right. Breath plate. And then there was...

A baker's outfit. Something in wax. There was a wax man. Something burned. There's a bag of gold coins. All right. I want the key. I pick up Freezo and hold him upside down and shake him by the ankles.

Give me your lunch money. Sunglasses go everywhere. Yes. I pick up the sunglasses. All right. So, once again, the loot is 120 gold coins, a scroll that is enclosed in wax, a hooded burnished lantern, a breastplate that looks to be elven design and an ancient key. Alright, so Filch wants the key. I've already taken the

coins. So that's off the table, isn't it? Give me the parchment. You want the parchment? I will make the argument that because the breastplate is made of elves and none of you are elves, I feel like it would be cultural appropriation. It's not made of elves and none of you are elves, I feel like it would be cultural appropriation. It's not made of elves.

Made by elves? Made by elves. So I feel like it would be cultural appropriation if you took the breastplate. So I will take that. Thank you. This is just like the Native American breastplates. Breastplates? I mean headdresses. That jacket of Spanish leather you gave me. That is racist.

Alright, so Free, you took the scroll, did you? Yep. And give something to Bastogne. And to the lady. Alright, we give the lantern to you guys to share. It'll bring them together closer as a couple. Truly, he is beneficent. Alright. So, can we get some info

on what these things do? Yeah, well, you have the knowledge of Arcana, so why don't you make an Arcana check for me? Two! That's a D12, you numbskull. You've bought giant dice, and now you don't know which one's a which.

We have a dice cam, actually. Why are you doing that? Hang on. Dice cam. Dice cam. Ten. That's the wrong one again. For God's sake.

Use our nice level up dice, otherwise it doesn't count. All right, here we go. Dice cam. Cha-cha. Fifteen. Fifteen. So after seven rolls, I pass, presumably. You know what?

For the purposes of sponsorship, I'm going to allow it. Thank you, level Up Dice. Level Up Dice. The results you want, when you want them. Eventually. They're on the level. Okay, so you can detect the gold and the breastplate just are standard equipment.

The breastplate is very well made. Wait, so the gold coins aren't magical gold coins? No, these ones aren't. Spending one of them... How many gold coins? 120? It's 120. It'll take a year off your life.

Yeah, it'll take a year off the life of the person who spends it and it will give chronic magical diarrhea to the person who receives it. Absolutely not true. That is one of the 120 coins. Dark and mystical. Canon, canon, canon, canon, canon! Alright. What is one of the 120 coins. Dark and mystical. Cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon. All right. What is the average lifespan of an elf?

The scroll, the lantern, and the key all seem to hum with potent magical energies. Suck it, Freezer. Damn it. I've got a sweet magical lantern. We have it, my dear. It's potent. Do you want to break the scroll open? Yes, please.

All right, so breaking it open, it is written in draconic language of magic, so unfortunately only a warlock, I'm afraid, or a wizard can read it. Filge? Yeah, Filge, would you do the honors? I pick up the scroll and I say, it say nothing on it.

And then you turn it over. And then I turn it over. And then she goes, classic Filch joke. And I go, oh, yeah, whoo, big news. What a doozy. This real game changer. And then I fold it up and put it back into my backpack. Phil.

Yeah. Would you like to sell me that parchment? I will give you 120 gold pieces. I got a death wish. 120 gold pieces. I got a death wish! Should I do it? Do it. Alright.

I take it out and I say money first because I still don't trust you. I hold the money in my hand like the Indiana Jones kind of... You know what I mean? You know how he's holding things in that movie. A whip, a hat. With the hands? On the count of three, how he's holding things in that movie. Yeah. A whip, a hat. With the hands. On the count of three, we drop them both.

Alright? Alright. One, two, three. I don't move. I take the thing. Alright. Freeze. I put on a pair of sunglasses so you don't see the tears well up in my eyes. It should be made clear here that you have just likeed Filch with fire,

which bolted me just seconds earlier. So we're pretty cross with you. Can I pay you some money to not be cross with me? No amount of money in the world, Freezo. What about 120 gold coins? Stick each one of those 120 gold coins into your butt one by one because we are cross. Yeah, we cross.

Now, does the coins give me diarrhea as well? Because that wouldn't. Friso, this scroll reveals itself to you to be a powerful magical spell that you do not have in your repertoire. This is a scroll that will teach you how to cast the invisibility spell, which is a level two spell. Now, can I use it even though someone's already, like, Phil just took my spell book? You need to study it,

which will take some time. Alright, I study it. Once again, the Lady Irina is kind of in your care. You are in hostile territory in the library. It will probably take a few hours. Ooh, we should rest anyway to get some probably take a few hours. We should rest anyway to get some hit points back, right? We should wait until he's on TV and then

when he's not here, he can spend that time studying. I feel like you've been using invisibility quite a lot in this adventure. Alright, well, okay, fine. I admit your mercy. As Friso is the least popular member of this group, he stands back and says... Oh, you're such a victim. Poor Frizzo.

Oh, you try and murder one friend. Two friends. Two friends! Suddenly, the room's energy seemed to shift almost imperceptibly. Makes it weird. But we noticed. Almost imperceptibly. And a hum that you are all starting to recognise now

as magic associated with the necromancy of the vampire Strahd. And indeed, a suit of armour that was sitting in an alcove by the library starts to vibrate and light spills forward from the eye sockets of its helmet and almost through a shitty tannoy, I suppose. A what? A shitty tannoy. What's that? A shitty tannoy.

It's like a fantasy PA system that they use to communicate with people backstage. A very bad reproduced voice comes through the helmet. G'day, cunts. Testing, testing. Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm not even in the room. How wild's that? Can he hear us?

Yes, I can hear you. It's a two-way suit of armour. Hey, listen, you killed my mimic, my best mimic, and let me tell you, it's Strahd by the way. It's Strahd. It's Strahd, the vampire! That's so weird! The vampire named Strahd too! That's good. I'll let you explain it to her later. But look, I've got the shits, guys.

If I'm honest with you, you killed my favourite mimic. He had a day to retirement, so thanks for doing that. So look, I'm a reasonable man. How about we make a deal? All I want is Petrina. You pop her back on level one.

Whence your founder, to use your fancy man parlance. And you just can fuck off. If you guys do that, then no harm, no foul. You can go on your way. This isn't about you, so don't be bloody drama darons. And what if we don't? Oh, bloody murder with me magics. Alright.

Deal. Where does stride come from? I just... Gas? Ancient Barovia can. I will never allow you to take my love away from me again. Hey, Strahd. Yep? Who are you after again?

Sorry, you're breaking up, what was that? Who do you want us to return? Petrina, you dickhead. Petrina is dead. That sounds like talk of someone who's about to get their fucking ass kicked with magic, mate. That sounds like the voice of somebody who killed his own true love. Oh, sorry. What's that?

And the voice is silent. I want to go over and kick the suit of armour in the head. You hurt your toe. Oh. Can I put the suit of armour on? Yeah, I suppose. Zerk. Does he?

Does he? Okay, he puts the suit of armour on and then out of the mouth you hear, Oh, look at me, I'm Vestor and I'm a cat. I didn't, that wasn't me. Unfortunately, the armour is cursed and now you can't remove it. Yeah, it was. Oh, does anyone have some, I like to drink piss. That's not true.

I don't. Can he still hear us? Yeah, he can hear you. I start to mime to the others what my plan is. I point at Irina. And then I mime, like, picking her up and taking her to level one. And then I mime all of us hiding under the bed and then leaping out and catching Strahd. And I put both my thumbs up and look around for approval.

No, no, but I can see you, so I mime this for you. That's a rude finger for the podcast. That's the wrong finger. Have you explored this keep at all? Do you know the different levels? To be honest, no. I have... No, I don't know.

Quite lazy, frankly. Does anyone have any butter? Perhaps this is a good moment to look at the rest of the items quickly. Butter, butter, any butter? The key that you found and insisted was yours, Alex. It is. Filger's key has the sigil of the House of Strahd embossed

with a double grinning skull on it. It also hums with a powerful magical energy. Cool. And what does the lantern do? Friso, do some arcana check. All right. I'll do it. And do some arcana on my lantern, our lantern.

How much? Oh, I have none. And then no. Four. That's a four. Spicy four. Okay, so that... I hold it up to my eyes and I go cross-eyed looking at it and go,

oh, yeah, yeah, okay, woo, this one a game changer. Do you want to do one quickly for the lantern as well? Yep. I'm afraid you won't know what the key does. Ha-cha-cha. I don't know about your new catchphrase, ha-cha-cha. It's what I would do at the casino if I ever went there, you know. You roll some dice and you go,

ha-cha-cha. Cool, alright. So the lantern as well is a lantern of revealing which means that it can see things that are magically hidden or invisible. So like a lantern. No. No, things that are magically hidden. What kinds of things could it see? Like ghosts? Or like anything that is there. So like a lantern. No. No, things that are magically hidden. What kinds of things could it see?

Like ghosts? Or like... Anything that is there. Can we turn it off? Sort of like a lantern. Yeah, but like... In what ways... What things can it see...

Yep. ...that a normal lantern could not illuminate? Great question. Can it see feelings? No. What about the wind? Could it see the wind? No.

Can it see your true thoughts in your mind? No. Okay. In many ways... Could it see a man who was invisible? No. Can it see your true thoughts in your mind? No. Okay. In many ways. Could it see a man who was invisible? Yes. Can you see through people's clothes? No. You're thinking of the movie

Weird Science. Always. Alright, so let's give it a bell. The breastplate isn't magical We've gone through the wax scroll The key we don't know about I made up the thing about the coins Well, why am I shitting so hard?

Dave, can we keep the coin thing? I think that's really fun It's also very in-law with warlocks Is it canon? Yes Because warlocks will often sacrifice their own life for power In this instance Alright, good shit of themselves. It's canon dungeon, Dave.

Sometime in the next 120 gold coins that you spend, I'm going to make you, at that moment, in a shop, maybe in front of friends or loved ones, maybe on a date, I will make you explosively shit yourself. No, no, it's the person who gets the coin. He loses half his life. It's all right, I wasn't paying attention. Okay, so the rules of the coins are...

No, I've just told you the rules. No, no. They shouted canon. It's whatever I said. As established by canon Ben, the coin rules state that I sacrifice a year of my elven life, which I assume is infinite. It's pretty big.

And as a result, when I give a coin, and then the person receiving the coin gets magical explosive diarrhea. Yeah. For how long? Like, just instantaneously. Is explosive diarrhea magic, like, have magical properties in and of itself? Do I need to be here? Wait, what?

You shit unicorns. No, I don't know. I think you would just shit until you're out of poop. Yeah. If you take that poop, can that be applied as a salve? I just want to say, I really like this more communal rulemaking that we're doing. I just want to say, I think this is maybe a new low. So you've got the lantern, you've got the key.

Let's shine that lantern around. Can we shine the lantern at the key? Let's see our true feelings. No, it doesn't show the true feelings. Yes, it does. What are our options in the room? So as I said, this is the second level of the tower. There are four levels of the tower.

There is a door which is locked and barred, leading in the staircases that continue up around the tower, up through the bookcase and above to level three, presumably. And then there is the stairs and balcony from the way you came down to Irena's guest chambers. And we've sufficiently looked for the sword in this room, such that it's

pretty clear that it's not here. Let's start pulling books off shelves. Don't touch me books again! Baston seems to say. Baston seems very clear that we shouldn't mess up his books. So I think we should head upstairs. Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

But he wants us to take her downstairs. No. Well, I think you have to decide if you want to do what you want or what the vampire wants. I think either way, if we don't destroy Strahd, we're not going to get out of here alive. So we may as well keep forging ahead and try to find that sword. All right.

Okay, so you're going to go up. So, again, this door, which has the crest of the House of Strahd, is locked and it's standing in front of you. Yeah, because if we go downstairs and then we hide and then we surprise attack him... As I mind. ..we won't be able to defeat him because we haven't been able to defeat him before. So we need to find the sword first.

That's the priority. So let's go upstairs. All right. Maybe, is it locked, did you say? It is locked, yeah. I try the magic key in it. All right. You put the key in and it seems to be a perfect fit.

Then I turn the key. Oh, no. No, no. Okay. As soon as you turn the key, the door slams open with what seems to be a very powerful... Slam open? Strictly speaking, that, okay. As soon as you turn the key, the door slams open with what seems to be a very powerful... Slams open? Strictly speaking, that's possible.

I'm new to this language. Slams open? So, like, slams against the wall? No, I think that's fine. Give him a break. Or would it swing open, slamming into the wall? I think it would clang against the wall. Okay, clangs open.

Can I please move on? Is it a wooden door? The door clangs open. I don't think wood would clang. I think metal clangs. I said it was barred. I said it was a barred door. Oh, it's barred.

It clangs open. No, no, no, he's the barred. It clangs open and suddenly a powerful vortex of wind seems to suck from the room. Papers go everywhere and books fly out of the bookcases as a tempest. A powerful typhoon seems to spin out of control in the centre of the library. Hey Dave, can the lantern see the wind? The five of you are sucked inexorably towards the door. You try to grab onto things but to no avail for everything is moving towards us door. You try to grab onto things, but to no avail, for everything is moving towards us now.

And you, with a great rush, are flung through the door so hard that, sure, your armour falls off. Congratulations. And... Hooray! And you seem to slide forever

until a point of energy in front of you slams into you, and you are frozen in a moment and then deposited a foot down and land in pitch darkness on what seems to be cobbled stores. Far, far, far above you, you hear a door slam shut.

So we entered the room. Why don't we try that lantern? You're just in a mean mood today. What are you getting paid by the word, Dave? So, I liked it. Was it a staircase that we're in now? You can't tell. It's in pitch dark.

We just made a real entrance. Oh, it's dark. You seem to be in a giant... I have dark vision, though. Yes, I know, but this is unfortunately magical darkness. You can't but this is unfortunately magical darkness. You can't see. What about the magic lamp? Yeah, magic lamp.

Magic sea lamp. Magic sea lamp. Yep, okay, so it has a very... It doesn't have a lot of powerful throw. It only throws about five feet. So if you hold it up to the stone, you can see indeed this cobbled stone floor which seems to stretch out in all directions beyond the range of the lamp.

But that is enough to see each other. Hello. You look fabulous. So, would my magical glowing sword, would that illuminate anything? Who said his sword glows? No, it does glow. It glows in the dark. It'll make you look cool, I suppose.

No, but does it illuminate any of the magical darkness? Because this is magical light. No, it's not. You're making this up as you go along. Yeah, we all are. Yeah, you're right. Sorry. Enough that you could see the sword, not enough to see the room. Okay, so

I guess we just we try and we should go to the edge of the room we edge along the room. Yeah, let's feel around. You can't tell which direction you enter from. It seems

it feels as if you were deposited here from a great height above you. Everybody hold hands. Good idea. Okay, we all hold hands. In a circle or in a line? And we sweep the room

like we're looking for one of those missing children. Oh, great idea. Great idea. Okay, who's on the out? There has got to be a less macabre way of describing walking in a line. What about a ball?

We're walking intensely. Primary school was called an emu parade and it would be to pick up litter. Yeah, to find that missing kid. Taken by an emu. Alright, so who is on the edge of the emu parade? Bag's not.

I'm holding Irina's hand. We should have Bastogne and Filge on the outskirts as our flanking bodyguards. No way. You're wearing a breastplate. You're on the outside. Damn it. And Bobby Pancake's on the other end. What? Great idea. We'll protect Irina, so she'll be in the middle. Then I guess I'll hold Fr'll protect Irina so she'll be in the middle. Okay.

Then I guess I'll hold Friso's hand and you two and you can hold her hand. I'll hold So it goes I feel like a papa with your tiny mitt in my paw.

Get her. Alright, so who's on the outside? Friso. Me. Friso and Bobby. And Bobby, you're staying

at the beginning? What? I'm on the other end. We've already creatively thought of the line that we're in now. We're looking for the kid. This is super duper cut from the podcast. All right. So the first thing as you start to move,

Filge, in fact, your foot scuffs something on the ground and you scoop down and indeed find the key that brought you here. Ooh. Finders keepers. As you make your way out, you seem to walk for quite some time until, with Frieza, you've got your hands

outstretched, I imagine. I'm holding, am I able to touch the wall? No, not yet, you're looking for the wall. Then with my right hand, I'm swinging my magical sword like that, just around in the air in front of us in case I run into anything. Feels dangerous.

What? What? Feels like a very dangerous thing to do. Well, all my friends are to my left, so I'm just swinging away from them, but frontwards in case we hit any monsters. Okay. You could use it like a tap.

No, no, no. These aren't taps. These are big, like, arcing thrusts. Yeah. Okay. He's slashing at the air. So you walk, you walk, you walk, and then suddenly... Okay, wow.

Friso, you hit with a mighty clang. Finally. Must be a door. Because I rolled a one, your sword becomes lodged in what seems to be the wall. Why are you rolling for me? Surely you're rolling for the door. No, he's rolling for the creature. Oh.

There's a creature, is there? Let's find out. What's the creature called? Let him explain. Poke it with your sword. I keep swinging. It's lodged. You can't.

Your sword is stuck in the wall. Can I... Touch it with your sword. I keep swinging. Oh, it's lodged. You can't. Your sword is stuck in the wall. Can I... Touch it with your hands. All right, with my... Does anyone have any butter? You're out of your armour. But this could help here in this situation. I think you're just hungry.

If a thing is lodged, put a butter on it. All right, can I roll to dislodge my sword? You're going to try and dislodge it without touching the wall. You'll have no grip. Alright, well I put my foot up against what I think would be... I put my foot up against what it would be lodged in and I try to remove my sword.

I'm reminding you that you have no shoes because you threw them at the vampire two adventures ago. Also no pants. Okay, fine. You've done it. All right. As soon as your foot touches the wall, you feel, it seems like, a frozen cold to the touch,

and you lose a hit point. But that energy that sort of seems to be sucked out of your body creates a latticework of light that shines up the wall and illuminates drift globes in the ceiling. And the whole room starts to light up and you find yourself in a giant mausoleum right at the back of it and there

seems to be doors leading to crypts all around you and in the center of that room is a chain leading to what seems to be a giant bundle of rags and monster, let's be honest, that is on its back sleeping. You can't see what it is. Just a giant figure. Alright. And how far away am I from the rags and monster? Probably

about 60 feet. Alright. So it's a big mausoleum. It's a huge room. And can I dislodge my sword now? Yep. You're going to do it really loudly? No, I'll do it real quietly. I do it silently. How do you dislodge your sword silently?

Butter. Butter. Everybody check if they have anything in their items that looks like butter. I've got some oil. Ah, well. But you can't have it. I will buy that oil from you.

Suck my tiny butt. Dave, point of order. Yeah. These guys don't know about the magic nature of the coins, do they? Only I know about the magic nature of the coins. No, but we're cross at you. Okay, that seems like reasonable inspiration. All right.

What does the... So Irina's holding the lantern. Yep. What does the lantern show? I suppose it's like pointing at the wall. Yeah, the wall doesn't seem to have any entrances that you can tell. Then you notice that there is actually, like, going up the wall, there's a single set of narrow steps that lead to a door,

presumably where you came through, where you see the same door as in the other room, which is locked shut. These crypts, are there names over any of the... There are names over all... Do we see Sergei's name? They're all on the far side of the room, so you're going to have to get past that creature.

Oh, no. All right, guys, tippy toes. Are we still holding hands? Can we see now? Do we still need to hold hands? Because I'm for continuing to hold hands. Holding hands is really up to you. All right, let's continue.

You can do the whole room. The whole room is illuminated now. Okay, but we're still holding hands. To borrow a title from Jonathan Tafferan Foer, extremely loud and incredible. Of course. What is the audience of this podcast? I'm struggling to find the name of another one of his podcasts.

The one about eating animals. Eating animals? Yeah. Bobby, why don't you sneak on ahead, because you're the quietest of all of us, because you're a thief, and why don't you go and... That's our word. Why don't you go and try and find Cirque du Soleil,

and I'll stand over the monster, just in case it wakes up. So I'll try and stealth past him? Great. I'm going to give him a big hug before he goes and say, over the monster just in case it wakes up. So I'll try and stealth past him. Great. I'm going to give him a big hug before he goes and say, come back to us safely and smooch him. Why don't you make a check?

A smooching check. A smooch check? I'm doing it. This is going to be quite... No, not you. I'm doing one. I'm doing it, Dave. Smooch check.

Seven. Seven on the smooch-o-meter. Seven little kisses. Simon, this is for you. DC 18. Okay, that's a seven. Simon, this is for you. DC 18. Okay, that's a seven. No, that's not going to do it. You give me seven smooches back.

As you walk towards it, you feel suddenly a slight clang, and you notice that one of your many daggers has fallen out of its scabbard and hit the floor. As you do that, suddenly there is a stirring sound from the shambling shape and you have very little time to do anything before it'll wake up. But I have a bit of time? You have a little bit of time.

I try to dart past him. Okay, you're going to run past him? Yep. All right, so you run to the other end of the room and at that point, suddenly there is a great shaking as a huge fist hits the floor and a being that seems to be like a giant, a kind of huge grotesque ogre with two heads emerges.

Around both of those heads is a collar and that collar is chained to the centre of the room for you have found an etten and it is even now waking up. What were the rags? It's covered in rags when it sleeps. He has an extensive loin cloth. So are Eden

and Ben doing the voices of both of the heads now? Yep, at the same time. That's the conceit here. No, we're doing the same head. Yes, of course. So I want to ask, let's get to know these characters. Who are they? Who are the two heads? We just fucking woke up, man. Yeah.

I say we kill this guy first. I hide. You hide? Excellent. Make a stealth check for me. Tell me what it is. 14. Okay, cool. We go into initiative. So the first one up is you... Friezo.

Friezo. Friezo removes the sword from the stone it's in. Make a strength check. And becomes king of... 16. 16 is enough. All right, the sword breaks out of the stone, and you are now free to use it.

That was your action, however. You can still move towards the monster if you want to. I hide behind Filch. All right. But if she goes, I'll advance with her. Baston is... Oh, I am going to push. I'm going to stand between the Etten and Irina to protect her.

You're going to protect Irina for your action? Yeah, that's what I'm going to be. I'm going to be like, ah! With my dagger out. With your tiny knife. Yep. Lovely. Irina.

Well, maybe I steal a bit of rag from the monster. Can I do that? Are you dacking the monster? Yes. I pull down his pants. He has two penis-like heads. Both have mouths. Okay.

Well, you can do whatever you want, so... Great. Go ahead and roll this dice for me. You're going to make a touch attack with him. You've got to beat his armor class of 12. So this is two deck. Yeah. You get plus one, so roll an 11 or higher.

Deck attack. Deck attack. Deck attack. What is that? It's a 10. It's a 10. I'm afraid. So Irina seems possessed by a sudden stroke of brilliance, maybe

My love She darts forward, trying to grab at the end, but misses Damn it And the next up is you, Bobby So can I just get a picture of where, is he approached? He's still in the centre of the room, in fact he's chained there, although the chain has quite a bit of slack We prefer, we Is the chain behind, in front, or like from behind?

It's kind of to their side, just at their feet. You're behind them and they haven't noticed you yet. Okay, so I dash towards, like, climb up the chain and, like, slash at the back of one of their necks. Ah, now that's not my chain. Now you have to pick which one. Oh, what at the back of one of their necks. Ah, now that's... Now you have to pick which one. Oh, what's the difference? How do I differentiate between them? Does one have a moustache?

One is played by Ben and one's played by Eden, so... But as you face this, it's like that, so you're behind us, so I'm on the right. OK, thanks, Ben. I'll do Ben. So, make an athletics check, first of all, DC 15. 18, that will do it.

With a halfling's grace, you run up the chain, and soon you find yourself on its back. If it hadn't noticed you yet, it's noticed you now, and you can make a sneak attack. I've got a monkey on my back. Kyle, is there something on my head? Let me see.

Turn around. Okay, well, we're all just both moving in the same... I can't see. Just reach and grab it. I can't bloody see. And I'm afraid you rolled a two, so you swing and a miss. And next one up is Filch. I step up to them and I look at them in the eyes,

all of their eyes, and I speak in Orcish. Yes, they can understand Orcish. And I say, brothers, who change you here? Well, that's not really for us to discuss. They're surprisingly haughty for Orcs, but there you are. They're Ogres, right? They're not Orcs? They're Etten, actually. Etten, okay. They're ogres, right? They're not orcs? They're Etan, actually. Etan, okay.

Those are different! Are they like a bit racist towards me because I'm like not a full orc? But we're doing our best. They are actually supremacists. Yeah, they believe in Etan culture. Look, I'm not afraid of my views. He tries to bloody sugarcoat them, but I don't like you.

Oh yeah, there he goes, talking like he does on his message board. Look, look, I'm entitled to my views and I don't like half ox. You know, this is why we agreed to sleep for 400 years. Dave, are they both wearing caps that say, Make Barovia Great Again? Only one of them. Guess which one. Look, if you must know,

we were trained here by the Strahd family to protect their crypt. And that's what I intend to do. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to murder you. Now, Phil, he's moving towards you, so you have to make a decision. What do you want to do? So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to murder you. Now, Filch, he's moving towards you, so you have to make a decision. What do you want to do?

I say, if he change you, he not very good boss. Oh, wait, no. I speak in perfect when it's obvious. Oh, yeah! We get to hear Filch talk for the first time in her native tongue. Unless that's how she talks in her native tongue.

Okay, so I speak in my native tongue. I that's how she talks in her native tongue. Okay, so I speak in my native tongue. I'm like, now, boys, it's time you and I had a bit of a chat. You see, I know I'm not like you, but I know those vampire folk, they don't treat you right. They chain you up and say they're working for you. They say you're working for them

why don't we fight him together I don't understand a word he says make a persuasion check DC 15 13 plus your charisma of 10 which is a big fat nothing

so they look at you and for a second seem like they're going to... No. And they swing. So go ahead and make an attack. Oh, I'm going to make an attack too? Yeah, you both make an attack. Ed and Zach attack with one arm each. Ben, would you like the battle axe or the morning star?

I got a 14. Yeah, 14. And a five. I'd like the Morningstar, please. Okay. Alright, so with your Morningstar, you attack and you hit Filge, and Filge, you take 7 points of damage.

And the next one up is, again, Friezo. Alright, I have no spellbook, so I run at Kyle, which I think is Eden. Yes, it's Kyle. I run at Kyle, and I use my magic sword to swing as hard as I can at his head. All right, make an attack. What's the other one's name?

Jackie? Five. Do not hit. Absolutely do not hit. All right, next up is Baston. Baston needs to rescue Arena. He did waste his last attack. I was trying to be nice but I guess I'm just gonna go

and yeah, I'll attack Kyle as well. With your tiny knife. I want to do like a diving and like stab him in the face. Ten. Alright, that'll work. They've got terrible armor. They're dressed in rags. So you hit and... D4, baby.

Out of my way. Literally four. They're dressed in rags. So you hit and... D4, baby. Out of my way. Woo! And literally four. Yeah! My strength is three. Seven. Seven points of damage. Get a real weapon.

All right. Irina next. Jack him again! No, no. Different plan. He's a bit damaged. The dagger that Bobby dropped is still on the floor as well. Okay, I pick up the dagger and I cut off the beards

and I choke him with the beards. All right. That's hard. That's probably a DC 20. So go, roll. You need a 19. An 8. All right, you can't work out what Irene is doing.

Phil, you're... No, Bobby, you're up next. Okay, so they have long dreads. Is that what's going on with their hairstyle? They do have long dreads, yeah. I take their dreads and I wrap them around their eyes and tie them to the back of their heads. More hair work.

And then together. So their heads, so they're blinded by their dreads and their heads are tied together. Okay, I want you to make an acrobatics roll opposed by your athletics roll. And then a scalp. Oh. Oh, no, but I'm a rogue, so I can roll again.

You're a halfling, so you'll roll. Yep, 10. 10 plus... It doesn't matter. They got an 8, so I can roll again. You're a halfling, so you'll roll an ornament. Yep. Ten plus... It doesn't matter. They got a eight, so you're going to... Okay. Congratulations. All right, so you tied their heads together,

and now they have disadvantage to attack, and they're easier to attack. And they can't see. For now, yeah, until they can break free from it. Next up is Filge, I think. Yep, I'm going to swing at them with my maul. I'm going to swing at them with my maul. I'm going to swing at... What's the one who's not Kyle?

Jackie O. You haven't even asked my name! The one whose name you don't care about. Jackie O. Jackie O. Jackie O. Is that two words or one word? It's Jack O.

Jackie O. It's J-A-Q. I can't see a thing, Jackio. Okay, that's an 18. 18 will do it, and that's a D12. Yeah, you're right. That one. And then I got a nine.

What's that? That's a nine plus four is 13 points of damage. All right, the reeling, blinded, they're in pain, and it is now their go. Kyle, can you say anything? What? I said Kyle, can you say anything? What? I said Kyle, can you say anything? Oh no, I can't, Jackie O.

I'm bloody blind. I'm blind here too. I'll use my hand to try and stop us being blind. Okay. You just swing wildly. Great plan. Okay, great. So Jackie O is swinging wildly with his gigantic fist.

Rolled two dice. A Morningstar, in fact. And the lowest will be what you rolled for. Lowest of four and a four, I believe, is 44. Probably not. All right. So, you miss. And now you can make an athletics check to break free.

You rolled a three. Oh. All right. Fortune does not favor the bold. We're pretty bad at this. a three. All right. Fortune does not favour the bold. We're pretty bad at this. Friso. All right. So I've worked out what I'm going to do.

I stand at the centre of the chain and I kind of yank the chain to make them run back towards me. I use the chain to pull the Etin back towards where I am, in the centre of the thing. And as I do that, the chain folds over itself and then I use the manacles I have to, like, chain together the slack in the... So you're shortening the chain.

To shorten the chain. Oh, that's very clever. That's surprisingly clever. What do you mean surprisingly clever? All right. What do I need to check? I'll tell you what. Why don't you just make that an acrobatics check of DC 12?

And I get it. Yes. Okay. He rolled a fucking six. Damn it. Don't. Eden, don't. Come on.

Whose side are you on? I rolled crappy. I rolled a six. I'm really disappointed in you. You can try and cheat them, but don't cheat your dungeon master. It's these stupid big dice. I could have gone away with the small sneaky dice. All right.

You've been doing this before. Doesn't matter. All right. Next up is Baston. Oh, Baston. Can I? Baston, do something. Can I grab the chain and then run around them

and do like an AT-AT walk kind of thing? Yep, you absolutely can. I'm not familiar with that reference. I thought it was AT-AT. Great, okay, just make... Roll in the dice. An acrobatics check. Four.

God damn it. You chain yourself, you tangle yourself up with them. Irina. Okay. You should yourself. You tangle yourself up with them. Irina. Okay. You should... Oh, sorry. I want to see what this episode holds. Okay.

I take the monster hand with a weapon and I make him hit himself. Yeah. And I say, stop hitting yourself. Make another touch attack. Whatever you want, Zoe. What do I need, Dave? Again, you need to beat... This is probably quite hard.

No, look, you need to beat... This thing has 21 strength. It's not going to do a lot of damage, but she only needs 12 armor class. And they're blind, they can't see. Okay, 15. You manage to hit it, and it does one hit point worth of damage. Oh, what the fuck?

Stop hitting myself! Stop hitting ourselves! Stop hitting ourselves! Why would you do that, Jackie Ho? You're a terrible partner. Bobby. So I'm still on their shoulders Yep Between their heads

They still can't see you So you've still got sneak attacks Yep So I take my short sword And put it Point to Kyle's ear And I lean on my sword He's straight up murdering him

That's a 19 And I lean on my sword. Oh, he's straight up murdering him. That's a 19. Oh! Does it go through to Jackie O? 2d6 sneak attack plus whatever your normal damage is. Oh, this is so graphic. Oh, that's a 5 and a 6. That's a 6, a 6 and a 5. Yeah.

All right. Damn. Yeah, okay, that kills Jackie O. It was Kyle. It was Kyle. Sorry, it kills the more racist one. Yeah, okay, that kills Jackie O. It was Kyle. It was Kyle. Sorry, it kills the more racist one. Not the slightly nicer enabler of the racist. What happens to the beast's body?

What happens to the one side of the body that Kyle controls? He can't move it. Or he can, but he's not used to it. So he's got disadvantage on everything that's coming from that side. Yeah, he starts to fall down, fall down. Can I say also, as Bobby puts it in, Jackie O kind of looks up and looks at the room and he's like, well, buddy, we've been in worse, haven't we?

Kyle? Kyle! Kyle! He's real sad and then he falls to this leg. So presumably you guys are able to at this point. Actually, no, it's your go, Filch. All right, let's just let him bleed out. Well, I guess he is chained on the ground, so not going anywhere.

So I guess you guys can stop and have a rest while... Should we just put him out of his misery? Yes, I approach with my sword. Hello. And I say, Jackie-o? Uh-huh. What do you have on you? Jackie-O?

Uh-huh? What do you have on you? I've got this rags in the head of my best friend that I ever had in my life. I feel like the head of an Etan would be used in a spell somewhere. Oh, yeah. You just feel it, though. You have a player's handbook, but you feel this. Can I... Oh, I know what I want to do. You have a player's handbook, but you feel this.

Oh, I know what I want to do. All right. So I say, in Orcish, I say, Well, Jacky-o, I find that in battle it's important to use one's head. And then I smash both your heads together. And as they go, I still don't know what you're saying. Yep, alright, that's 19. And you do it. Congratulations.

And we'll call that... You murdering murderers. Look, it's not a lot of damage, all things considered, but you keep doing it, and you keep doing it, and it's chained there, and after a while, Phil successfully kills the editor. It doesn't feel like a victory, though, does it? In many ways.

No, but he was racist towards me, so... That's true. It's fine. How can the dragon friends get out of this one? With murder, clearly. But still, trapped inside a mausoleum, who knows where, maybe under the ground, maybe in another dimension,

from a door that now is locked and far above their heads, it seems that the sun has never seen so far, and yet Strahd still waits for them outside, impervious to their weapons, taunting them all the while, and they know what must be done. But it shall not be done this time but perhaps maybe next time on the next adventure of the dragon friends thank you dragon friends is dm'd by david harman with music performed live by me benny davis and features the

voices of alex lee michael hing simon griner eden lacey and ben jenkins as well as this episode zoe norton lodge shakiraira Khan designs our website and the podcast is edited by me and sponsored by PAX Australia, the country's biggest video games and pop culture expo, on this year, November 4th to 6th. If you'd like to find out more and book tickets, visit thedragonfriends.com slash PAX. Thanks.