Dragon Friends - #2.14. Worst Rescuers Ever with Zoe Norton-Lodge

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

The crypts below Castle Ravenloft are filled with mystery and despair... and also filled with four increasingly fed-up adventurers who have had it just about up to here with the Vampire Strahd and his many creations.Warning: this episode features a wonder horse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

DRAGON FRIENDS Previously on Dragon Friends... The room is a big room. It's empty and it feels like magically it's been there for a while. There's lots of doors. Okay. He did it. Dave, I'm really sorry. He bloody did it, ladies and gentlemen. He bloody did it. But there are names over these doors, is that correct?

Yep, heaps of them. Okay. Now, Dave, can I try and loot... I hate to bring it back to this, but can I try and loot this corpse? Because it just seems there's a corpse there that I haven't rifled through the pockets of the loincloth. Okay, so it's just a loincloth, but you can rifle through it if you want.

You're not wearing pants. I get right in there. I get right into the loincloth. You find their dicks. You've got to get right in there. Like, loincloths don't have pockets. You find a small coin bag. They do.

Tied. What? It's not a coin bag. Wait. You find a small coin bag. They do. Oh, it's not a coin bag. I cut off these two coin bags and save them for spells? Cool.

Can I take their teeth? I take their teeth and coin bags. You can take their teeth. You've got to cut them out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you can knock them out, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you guys just going cut them out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you can knock them out, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you guys just going to watch this?

Yeah. I think let's search around and see. Like, we're looking for Sergei's crypt. Okay, so there's, as I said, hundreds of doors. So you're probably going to need to split up or... Is there some sort of magic we can do to detect something specific? Let's use the lantern of magic. Yeah. Yeah.

to detect something specific? Let's use the lantern of magic. Yeah. Okay, so you're sweeping it across the tombs, are you? Yep. As I said, you've got to get quite close to them because it only throws for about five feet. As you walk past the doors quickly, the colour of the lamp seems to change on one door.

Also, it says Sergei on it, so... No, it doesn't. Oh, twist! What does it say? This one doesn't have anything written on it. It's blank. Sorry, that's what you said.

Friso has caught up to us and his hands are like dripping with blood and eddent teeth. Yeah, but I filled these coin with blood and edden teeth. Yeah, but I filled these coin bags with edden teeth. Nice. All right. You horrify me.

So should we, is there a lock? It's very unsavoury. No, the door is just a big easy to move stone thing. Well, Irina's got the lantern. Hello. Do I move the door with the lantern? Is that what you're saying? I don't think that's a good idea. Let's just go in there.

I will push the door open with my hands. Aha. That is the normal way. So as you move, you hear the sound of stone grinding on stone, and the door opens. Inside, you can see, as predicted, a small tomb. Votive candles arrayed around. I lost my mojo.

I lost my mojo. Do you mean, I think maybe you mean to say arranged and not arranged. Both times. I just need to make a decision before I start the word. Votive candles heaped around. And in the centre of the room is a giant stone sarcophagus and from the door you can see that there is a figure lying in what seems to be funerary clothes on top of it.

Now, is the figure rotten or is it a skeleton? Or is it a statue? You would have to get closer. Let's get closer. Let me take the lantern over to it. Good idea? Yeah.

You're doing it now. Okay. As Irina starts to cautiously step towards it, the lantern reveals the figure of the vampire Strahd. Whoa! Who is silent, immobile, with his eyes closed on this tomb, which you now presume must be his. So it's like a stone tomb.

It's not actually his body. No, it's his body. It's his sleeping body. Oh, shit. I plunged my sword into his chest. No, you know that's not going to work. I'd do it anyway. Come on.

That's a natural 20, motherfucker. That is a natural 20. Check it. Friso rushes through the room and knocks Irina out of the way. Hey. And. Can't. So excited is he as he grabs his sword glowing with powerful vorpal magics

and he thrusts it into the chest of the vampire whose eyes immediately open and gives the most painful screech that you've ever heard. Fuck! I immediately take the relic of Palo out and head to the front of the group, wielding it in front of me. Oh, you fucking... What? He's angry when you wake him up.

Oh! And he's standing now. He's sitting up. Can he be. Oh, and he's standing now. He's like sitting up. Can he be sitting up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a sword sticking out of him. And he's like, how very fucking... Do you know what fucking time it is? I'm here trying to...

Oi, Kyle! Jackie O! What the... Kyle? Kyle? Jackie O? Oi! Kyle! Jackio! What the... Kyle? Jackio? What the fuck have you fuckers done? You won't be waking up to Kyle and Jackio in the morning anymore.

He does not understand that reference. Yeah, I guess I won't be, dickhead. And he takes the sword. He doesn't even grab it with his palms. How are you taking it? I'm still holding it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hear me out. He doesn't even grab it with his palms.

He grabs it by the blade. And you can actually see that it actually hurts a weird amount to do this. And he grabs it. He should be bleeding a lot, but he's still wincing. And he pulls it out and pushes you across the room. Okay, but I didn't actually get to roll my damage dice for that day. Okay, go ahead. No, go ahead.

That's a two. Okay, that's a two. He dies. All right. Excellent. It seems to have no effect on him. And he goes, look, all right, well, I guess here we fucking are. I just sort of thought that you'd be down here.

What's the play here? No, you tell me, you fucking geniuses. What's the play here? Surrender. And we will spare you. No, I won't. I was lying about that. I won't spare you.

Ha ha. A lot for him to process. Strahd just kind of stares at him. And like goes to like... Andhd just kind of stares at him and like goes to like and then just like So right, well you're in the tomb, you're in the crypt,

welcome. Suppose, makes it fucking hard. I go, Strahd, we listen to your wishes. What? We bring you Petrina.

What? And I hold Friso by the back of the neck and I push him forward. I say, she has been cast in one of those disguising spells. Oh, hey, I got... Hello!

Hello! Oh, Mr. Strong. And he goes... And for a moment, he's like, Petrina? Oh, yeah. Is that you? No, of course it's fucking not. It's her.

Fuck. I go, nah, nah, nah. Okay, sweet. Well, this has been great. But I'm taking her. No, I'm Friso in a disguise. Yeah, disguising spell. One of them twofers.

Okay, this has been a hilarious company of errors, but guess what? Everyone shut up! And with that, he says a single word of command, and all of you feel for a second as if you've been locked in place by a mass paralysis spell. But you have! But then the wooden relic of Pella held by you, Bobby, once again begins to hum.

And for a second, you're held and then released as the spell once again fizzles. All of us or just me? No, no, no, all of you. Ha-ha! Ha! Oh. That didn't work the way I had anticipated.

You must kiss Petrina to release her from the disguising spell. I say, looking around at everyone else and winking. Huh? Okay, I drop the guise of being Petrina and says, Strahd we just want to go home we want you to lift the curse on this land

so people can leave yeah good and if you do that for us we'll give you Petrina no we won't no no no no hang on I think you guys I don't say this often

but I think you guys need a huddle suit because you are not on the same page we will give you... We will never give you Petrina. Hang on. Remember when I was talking and I was coming out... I said that. I suggested very similar terms and you were like, oh no, get fucked.

So what's changed? He doesn't speak for all of us. Friso, fucking clam it. Yeah, you guys need to get unity in your message. That's what I reckon. You guys need to go on a team building thing. Go to a bloody rock climbing centre

and learn about trust or some shit, because it's a mess. Do you mind if we have a quick chat then? Yeah, huddle away. I don't give a shit. All right, we huddle away. I don't give a shit. Alright, we huddle. Hi. Sorry, that was very awkward.

Just talking about you, Irina. Does anyone have any butter? So me starting to think me plan isn't working. Hey, and then Strahd's head comes into the huddle. And he's like, hey, I've got a fucking great idea. Yeah? Everybody don't move and everybody can't move. Once again, so he's casting the spell again?

Yep. So he casts the word of command a second time. And again, you feel yourself being held, but the relic once again hums and begins to glow. Yep. And then he goes, oh shit, wait, wait. Fuck. So why have you got the relic of Pelor? Whoa, I can't compete against that.

Unless I'm in my own fucking crypt, you dickheads! And then the relic of Pelor turns to dust. No! Dickheads! And then the relic of Pelor turns to dust. No! No! No!

No! For the magic of the family strata is strongest in the catacombs and with hundreds of his ancestors lying in repose around him, his magic is powerful enough to destroy the relic. So cross it off your sheet. Can I gather up the dust and throw it in his face? Oh, no! Yeah, do it, do it. I do it.

Oh, no! Dust! That's worth a face? Oh, no. Yeah, do it, do it. I do it. Oh, no. Dust. That's worth a try. I take one of his ears. Mine? Yeah, I do it. What do you mean? Like, how?

I just magic off your fucking ear. I don't think that was on the list of spells I gave you, man. I rolled a 20. That's a 20. I rolled a fucking 20. I take one of your ears. If I made it, can I get my ear gave you. I rolled a 20. I rolled a fucking 20. I take one of your ears. If I made it, can I get my ear back? If you roll a 20.

Ear saving throw. Ear saving throw. That's a 14. He takes one of your ears. He's got pointy ears too. He's going to look very lopsided. Anyone else? Yeah, it's gone.

Anyone else feel like being a fucking smartass? All right, here's what's going to happen. Remember, nobody can fucking move. I'm taking her. Give me the key. And he walks over to her, Phil. I will still accept your surrender. And he takes the key out of Phil's, where's Phil's?

Around her neck on a piece of dental floss. Oh, check it out, because snappity. Around her neck on a piece of dental floss. Oh, check it out. Casnappity. I'm taking her and he fireman lifts Petrina over his shoulders. It is Irina. Yeah, but he thinks.

I'm in character, Tate. We're fucking off. I'm going to do a piss. So this crypt is haunted as shit. You don't need to eat or drink in here. That's the good news. The bad news is you're locked in here forever. Boy! And he calls up his horse.

Does he have a horse? Yeah, he does. He does have a horse. According to the original Weiss and Hickman module, he has a wonder horse called Bucephalus. Bucephalus, get your fucking ass out here. And out of one of the tombs, because that's where Bucephalus lives. A nightmare, yep.

Yeah, comes out. Boom. Opens the door with the key. Gets sucked out. He goes, see you later, galloping op. Opens the door with the key. Gets sucked out. He goes, see you later, galloping op. And then he galloping ops away. And the door. Worst rescuers ever.

I hate you, dragon friends. And as he disappears up the stairs and riding astride Persepolis, he and Irina disappear. The door slams shut or cl, or whatever you would prefer. The point is it is locked, and you find yourselves without a key inside the crypt. And Zoe, for now, I must ask you to leave the stage. What the fuck?

I fucking come here twice. You don't even fucking rescue me. Honest to fucking God. How long have you guys been playing this fucking game? You can't even rescue a princess. This is fucking bullshit. Zoe Norton-Law. Sorry, Zoe.

Fuck me. Can't she just stay? Thanks for a great time, everyone. By comparison, when Tom Walker came and played, his character just died at the end. So, like, you know, at least you're alive. For now. Maybe you two will really hit it off.

Zoe, you can stay if you want. No, it's okay, it's okay. I don't want to outstay my welcome. All right, so as Zoe leaves the stage in quiet rage, as I said, this room seems more foreboding. That wasn't her fault at all. Sorry, Zoe. The crypt seems darker now and more foreboding,

for without the key you have no means to escape. Can I just ask a quick question about my ear? Yeah. Is it like blood and stuff or is it just like a nubbin? It's neatly gone. Which would you prefer? Not blood and stuff. All right, you can have a nubbin.

It looks like a scar, though. Like the hole of the ear or just so it looks like I have a human ear? It looks like a cool scar. Yeah, it looks like a cool scar, but you don't have an ear anymore. Is there just a hole in the side of his head like a porpoise? And also sometimes when you have a cold, a little bit of mucus comes out. Bobby, your ear's leaking again. Let me wipe that up for you.

Oh, you're a little discharged. Did Bobby used to have echolocation? Do I now? Does he now? Just for clarity for fan art, is it the left or right ear that's gone? Up to you. That's up to you. It's up to Stroud.

Okay. Odds or evens? Let's roll for which ear, Stroud? I'm saying if it's on the left, it's even. If it's on the right, it's odds. If it's on the right, it's off. Who's left? Bobby's left, presumably. It could be Strahd's left.

It could be Strahd's left. You have lost your left ear. Okay. Yeah, to six. For now. So you still have your earring. So the crypt seems more dark, darker still and more foreboding.

You realise now that the Eddun who had been locked here for centuries as the guardian couldn't escape any more than you can now and indeed if there is a guardian of the noble family of Strahd

it is now the four of you for with no means to escape you are trapped. Did, did Irena, Did Irina drop the lantern? Who the fuck is talking? Damn it! Fuck! She's starting to talk like him.

The power is taking over. Friso, are you using the loss of one of your companions as an opportunity to get more magic items? Yeah, but I thought it would be a helpful magic item to have. Because I could go around and be like, oh, look, it's magic. Oh, look, it's also magic. No, she did actually drop it.

Mine. Baston has it. Damn it. All right. Well... What's in the room? So there's like a big door up in the sky that we can't get to. No, there's steps up to it, but it is locked again.

And the only key, which was the one that Filge had, is gone. But there are also hundreds of crypts as well. Inside this one crypt, there's hundreds... I mean, inside this one room, there's hundreds of crypts. Can I look around inside Strahd's crypt, which is what we're in? Yes, okay, great. So the crypt has a sarcophagus which was empty. You realise this was now, is meant to be his tomb but because

he was never buried it has no name on it. And next to it is, as I said, some votive candles and there is also a suspicious amount of lotion. I'm just going to ignore that. And there is also a centuries old

spell book, so old that the paper and vellum is cracked and you feel that the pages are probably fused together, but it is lying there open. With lotion? It is lying there open. Okay.

Field? You want me? It is lying there open. Okay. Field. Give it a... You want me? Please. Read it? Please. All right. Ooh, mama.

There is a lot going on. Yeah. Woo! Oh, oh, oh. I turn a page. I go, what? If you turn a page, it will destroy the spell book. Going on. Yeah. Woo. Oh, oh, oh. I turn a page. I go, oh. If you turn a page, it will destroy the spell book. I'd think again.

Can I do an Arcana check, Dave? I don't think so because there's a half-orc in your way. I go, foof. This one, game changer. But I go, but. Oh, and then I go, oh, but me can't believe what this says. You better come check it out.

So you come over and have a look. I shine the lantern on it. Yep. Great. It's now nicely illuminated. It was next to the candles, but thank you. What does it say? Oh. It's written again in the draconic language of magic. Guys.

I agree. A changer of the game. This is. Yeah. Guys. Guys, I'm right here. Maybe Bobby should look at it. No.

Frieza, you have a look at this. I have an inkling that if there was a weapon that destroyed me, I'd try and keep it as close to me as possible, maybe sleep on top of it. Filge, why don't you help me take the lid off this sarcophagus and we'll see if there's anything inside. All right, you're going to try and get the sarcophagus open? Yeah, so I pick it up.

Make a strength check. Just DC 17. 12 with your strength. Give me my 6. I'll help her. Then roll two dice in the best because you're getting help. Yep, that will do it. That will just do it.

and the best because you're getting help. Yep, that will do it. That will just do it. So you crack open the sarcophagus and inside it is empty. Oh, okay. Oh. Cool, well, I'm out of ideas. It's not quite empty.

There is a handwritten note that says, Not Shrined Against! What does the book say? What does it say say, Friso? What does it say? You don't need to roll for this. Okay, cool. Good, because I failed that roll.

No, no, no. So this spell is hundreds of years old, as I said, and the language is hard even for you to read and certainly beyond your ability to cast. But it seems to describe two pages of what would be many pages of a powerful ritual. One that if cast correctly would open a portal to the deep ethereal plane

and summon forth a massive army of the undead. An army strong enough to easily take all of Barovia possibly even to sally forth and take the sword coast. And the caster of this spell would control said army? Yes.

And what would they require to cast the spell? Oh, God. So this spell... Probably a bunch of teeth or something? Yeah, just edding teeth. A bunch of teeth crammed into a scrotum? Yeah, you need a bunch of teeth, a dice bag, and 120 gold poop coins.

No, no, so... 120 gold poop coins. No, no. 120 gold poop coins, please, be the name of this episode. Actually, the requirement, the component, the key component for this is a sacrifice of the one thing that the caster loves the most in the world. But that would be me. Yeah, so I guess that rules you out of being able to... It's almost like the invention of the spell

had in mind a safeguard against people like you. OK, what if I sacrificed myself and then died to... went to the other realm, then would I come back as the commander of this undead army? No, you would come back as a grunt, and Bobby would get the army. Ah, this is like my baker's outfit all over again.

Has Friso told us all of this? Is he reading it out loud? I don't know. Friso, are you reading it out loud? No, no, no. Dave, can I... Dave, can I fold up the book and take it? You can't fold up the book. If you did, it would crack the spine. It's that old. Okay, so is there any way I can remember this spell

or copy it down or something? It's only two pages. You would need the four pages of the spell to be able to catch it. But we can't actually access it without cracking the pages? You could probably take these pages off and protect them somehow, destroying the book in the process, but it would certainly destroy the two pages that are fused behind it. So there's no way for me to access all four pages?

No. You've been reading a very long time. What does the book say? The book is a spell. What else is in the room, Dave? Hundreds of doors. All right, let's just... The book says we've got to keep searching to find the sword.

So you're not going to tell them anything? See, can I do like a tricking us check? Yeah, go ahead. Make a deception check. There is a barge. Three. No, you rolled a three. I rolled a three.

Or you roll a three, Michael. I rolled a three, you guys. All right. You get the sense that he's holding out on you. Frieza, you know what? I fucking have the shits. I've got the shits with you. You have for a few episodes now.

Yeah, look, buddy, what's the deal? Like, we used to be dragon friends. Now we're like dragon frenemies. We all have to get out of here. Why can't we just work together? We can. You're being like a massive D-bag. Well, what do you want from me?

Just help in the most basic way possible. Use your skills. Share your information. I mean, what's so hard? He literally doesn't understand what he's done wrong. I walk up to Friso and say, tell me what the book says. And then I slap him.

Oh, God. All right, fine. I tell them what the spell says. There is a portal to hell that can be opened by me and me alone. And then I go, don't lie to me and slap him again. All right, I tell them what the spell actually says. All right, so yeah, it's a spell that will summon a powerful army of the undead. And the caster, it's a ritual that needs to be cast at midnight, and you need to sacrifice the one thing you love most in the world

in order to finish the spell. Are there any other conditions for the spell that we need to know? Not that I can see. Okay. Other than that, it just takes perfection in this dark art. All right, we... Rip up the spell book. All right, the spell book is destroyed?

Yeah. All right, you destroy the spell book Alright, the spell book is destroyed? Yep Alright, you destroy the spell book Like a cat who runs an IT company And he looks up He sees that Filge has her sword to Bobby's neck Like, she's sprung like And then like slowly just puts it away Wait, wait, wait You had your sword to my neck?

Because you're the thing that she cares about the most in the world But also she wanted to kill you So she could open up a hell mouth What were you going to do with a hell mouth? Bring Bobby back Make new friends Alright So the book's destroyed

Well We must rescue Arena Make new friends. All right. So the book's destroyed. Well. We must rescue Arena. That is why we came here. But first we need to get out of here. So Dave, do any of the names on any of the tombs say Sergei? Yeah, I search around with the lantern. So you guys spend a few hours, although it's hard to tell, for again, time has little meaning in this perfect prison.

And inside you find, eventually you find two tombs. One of them has the name, one of them has in fact written engraved on the door, here lies Sergei Von Zarovich, base wickedness did, what sword could not.

And on the next tomb next to it, it says, here lies Petrina Velikovna. All who looked upon her loved her. He loved her more than all. Which one are we going to go in first? Let's go to Sergei's one first. Okay.

Okay, so as you open the door again, who's opening the door? I'm looking with the lantern. Yep, it seems to look normal. Bobby? Bobby? I'm looking with the lantern. Yep, it seems to look normal.

Bobby? Yeah, I make a hole big enough just for a halfling to get through. And you see... Do you give him the lantern? No. I just hold it above his head so it kind of shines. I follow him in. As you walk through, you find yourself face to face with the vampire stride. Or so it seems at first. Oh, that was scary. I follow him in. As you walk through, you find yourself face to face with the vampire stride.

Or so it seems at first. That was scary, Dave. But quickly, you do that. Quickly, you realise that the features are more refined, friendlier possibly. He's wearing glasses. And a tiny goatee. And you realise that this must be a statue of Sergei, the brother. Beyond that, you see a sarcophagus and a room much like the other. Is the statue holding a sword or anything?

There is a stone sword on the statue's belt. All right. But also... Sorry? You just look like you're about to roll the dice. Yeah, I was. I'm going to lift up the sarcophagus. Get that sword.

But do you want to finish talking? Well, do you want to... I'd like to. Please do. You also notice as you're examining it that there is in fact a cord around the neck and it seems to have a strange twisted piece of metal on it. Okay. Like a little medallion?

Yeah, like a medallion with a very strange shape. Okay. I go and inspect it. You touch it? I touch it. Yep, it's fine. You can take it. Okay. I have it. You shit your pants. Great. All right.

So you want to, as the rest of you enter the room, Filge just, Filge bursts through, scoots the skeleton in rags that was lying in repose on the sarcophagus, I guess, to the floor. So quick is her desire to break into that sarcophagus. Oh, I thought that was just the lid. He's lying on the lid. There is a skeleton in rusty armour and rags lying in repose on the sarcophagus.

Why wouldn't they just put it in the box? Yeah, why not put him in there? Why not finish the job? Is he holding on to his sword? Maybe you guys can ask Strahd this when you see him next. Is the skeleton holding on to the sword? It's holding something in its hand, yes. I go and I inspect it to see what it is. Alright, it is a finely wrought hilt, a sword hilt,

made out of finely wrought Barovian steel and with the embossed symbols and designs of both Barovia and the House of Strahd. Alright. I take it. Is the hilt just part of the sword? It's the handle of the sword. And the sword is attached or is it just attached?

That would be a very strange way to describe it. Dave, while this is happening, Friso sneaks into Petrina's tomb. Classic Friso. So I pick up the sword and we hold it. I'm going to cut. While you guys are doing this I'm going to cut to you, Friezo. So you pull back while your friends are, and I use that term very lightly, you sneak your way into the second tomb

and you find yourself face to face with Irina Kolyana, or so it first appears. But you soon realise it is a statue that could be her spitting image. She's got a goatee, though. And glasses. And is her skeleton... Beyond, again, the candles, again, the sarcophagus. Is there anything on her skeleton?

For example, a sword blade, perhaps? There is nothing, it seems. It seems? It seems, but there seems to be something small, not the size of a sword. There is something small lying at the headrest of the sarcophagus. And it glitters. It glitters?

Friso inspects! By the way, Friso inspects is my favourite Dragon Friends spin-off. It's where Friso moves to a small town in Cornwall. And somebody's been murdered. Friso. And it was Friso. Every episode he solves it, he's like, oh wait, I did this. Sorry you guys. Sorry, so many

murders I forgot. Yeah, the cobbler, that was me. You should stop inviting me to all of your parties. You murder people then solve these murders. As soon as you make your way, you realise that it is a lady's necklace with a strange medallion on it, a twisted piece of metal. As soon as you touch that medallion, however, the tomb

slams shut and a vortex of dust eddies up and it coalesces into the form of a weeping, deranged, ghostly woman and congratulations by yourself, you are fighting a banshee. So I'm just going to work off initiative order,

so I guess, Frieza, you go first. All right, what does Frieza know about banshees? Does he know about any weaknesses that banshees might have? Yeah, maybe. What does Friso know about banshees? Does he know about any weaknesses that banshees might have? Yeah, maybe. You know that their touch is deadly.

You know that their visage is terrifying. You know that a banshee's wail can kill upon hearing it. All right. All right. I have a tin whistle, which I immediately begin blowing. Why do you have a tin whistle again? He does. I want to see how this plays out.

I have a tin whistle, which I blow to drown out any of the banshees' whales. That's the first thing I start doing, right? That's very good, I think. So you're continuously blowing. Ah! Okay, all right, all right. The best thing is that Filch and Bobby in the other room with Bastogne are like, what the... If only this wasn't a podcast, because what I would really like to do now is like, if this was just a table game, I would say that you can keep blowing that whistle

as long as you keep making whistle sounds. But if you stop, Freezo does. Now what are you going to do? Fuck it, let's do this shit. I take out my long sword and I slice that motherfucking banshee. All right. I roll a 16. A 16, all right.

Yep, that'll hurt, that'll hit. So it's a 1d8. Fuck, I'm going to kill a banshee by myself, you guys. Don't worry, I didn't need your help. Yeah, get angry at them, Hing. Six plus two is eight. I do going to kill a banshee by myself, you guys. Don't worry, I didn't need your help. Yeah, get angry at them, Hing. 6 plus 2 is 8. I do 8 damage to the banshee. Alright, you do 8 points of damage to the banshee. The banshee, that hurts her, and in fact

she seems surprised as the sword glows and seems to cut through her flesh. She turns at you and you see for the first time through her wild hair, her eyes and you feel a chill hand on your heart. Make a wisdom saving throw, DC13. That is a two.

That is a two. All right. You immediately shit yourself. Hang on. Here's a philosophical question, though. Can a man wearing no pants shit himself? Yeah. Yeah, he just shits where he's standing.

Is that not just shitting? You are struck with terror. Well played, man. Well played. Friso loudly says, I meant to do that. And he stops whistling. You are struck with terror and you start screaming, pounding at the door. Now, if I cut to you guys, suddenly you hear sound from the next room

and it seems like powerful pounding. Oh, it's free to masturbate again. I don't... Must have found a lotion. This used to be such a nice show. It never was. It never show. It never was. It never was. It never was.

Not once. I'm going to hold the... I'm just going to go about my business. I'm going to hold the hilt up to the lantern and just see if that hilt has got some magic powers. It seems to have a powerful magic to it, yes. And what about the little shard of metal? Yeah, okay.

So you examine that shard of metal and it seems like it has a partner somewhere that it would combine to form something. What shape is it? It's actually very hard to tell and the metal is hinged. It has delicate hinges all across it, so it's impossible to tell what shape it wants to form. Right, okay.

Is it in any way similar? No, I wouldn't know about it. This is great. What about you? That was your actions. What about you? Well, I'm harking back to long ago in this podcast when I kind of had a crush on Friso. I mean, I know that was a long time ago, so Baston is like,

Is nobody else interested in... I feel like we should... No? Why? Why? Why should we? It sounds like there's heavy pounding happening in there.

So, maybe he's getting some just desserts. Maybe I want some just desserts. Okay. Freezo, you're up. No, no, Freezo, you have to desperately try to get the door open because you are so terrified. Make a strength check.

DC 15. Come on, door. 20. Natural 20, Dave. Look at that shit. This is so unfair. With my weedy elven arms, I tear open this door and then beat this banshee to death with it. With your puny arms, you pull the door open and you stagger, gasping out into the room.

Tears falling from your eyes. I run out and go, Don't go in there! Give it a minute! And the banshee floats behind you and attacks. Do you want to go ahead? What's your armour class, Friso? Wait. My armour class is...

Are you wearing that elven breastplate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, then one won't do it. That was a critical fail. All right. What does the banshee... What does the banshee should take damage for that? No, she has quiet dignity about her.

She doesn't hit you. She's like a cat who falls off a couch. She's like, I meant to do that. So, yeah, you are okay for now. Next up is you again, Filge. So I can see the banshee now? You know, you can see Friso came out of the room.

Alright, I'll go check it out. Alright, you see a banshee. And there's poo on the floor. It was the banshee's poo! No, it wasn't! Prove it! Alright, well, Frieza, you should start blowing that tin whistle again, I think. As Frieza does that, I go to stick a javelin into her eye.

Yep, roll. Sorry. You've got dice cam if you want. Yep, roll. Sorry. You got dice cam if you want. Yep, that's a 16. 16. Okay, you hit, but it seems And I got 10 damage. 10 damage. A powerful blow like that feels like it should have had a powerful effect,

yet it seems to be lessened. The banshee was definitely hurt, but not hurt as much as you would have thought. Next up is Bobby. The fact that I'm missing one ear, does that mean I can't hear out of it? Oh! I think you're fine.

Wait, but if I just stuck one finger in one ear... No, I think you get advantage for that. Do I have another hand free to wield a weapon? No, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're right. You can't hear... The Banshee's not wailing at the moment, but you're right,

it could probably give you a measure of protection. Is Friso still whistling, though, like really loudly? But you can't tell that either. Friso seems to be doing a dance. I draw my short bow and fire an arrow into her face. Great. 12, 16, that will hit it. Do your damage.

Again. That's a four. You do damage, but it seems that the attack has less effect than you would have otherwise hoped. Bastogne. Well, Bastogne's going to do what he always does. Plunge his tiny knife into something. Really got to get a better weapon. Yeah, fucking A I do.

There was a morning star in the centre of the room. You walked past two more good weapons. A five is a miss. And Friso. So am I still terrified? I have to try and break the terror. You've shat that out. Make a will saving throw, DC 13.

18, all right. You can axe this turn. All right, I can axe this turn. All right, so I hack again at the banshee with my longsword. That is a 10, does not hit. What's your... Strength is negative one. Oh, okay. So once again, the guy with the only magical sword

is the worst fighter in the room. Maybe give it to Bastogne. And it misses. Next up is Filch. I want to get those two bits of metal that we found. So I... You don't know about the second bit of metal. Oh, all right.

Didn't I take that when I woke the Banshee? You touched it. So I turn to Frieza and I go, you find anything in there besides some Banshee poo? Just chat. Just chat while there's fucking monsters. No, it was just Banshee poo. All right.

Frieza lies again. Is that my move? No, you can just Banshee poo. Alright. Freezer lies again. Is that my move? No, you can... Okay, great. I've got a mirror and I've got a good feeling that if Banshees look at themselves in the mirror, they explode. So... All evil women, that seems to happen, right, in myths?

Anyway, let's try it. I hold up my mirror to her hideous face. Alright, she looks at herself and for a second she sees the once the most famed beauty in all of Barovia. She sees the hideous form that she has become and she recoils as if in shock, then pain, then fury. And her jaw unhinges and the most powerful scream that you have ever heard happens as the Banshee releases its wail. Everybody make a constitution.

DC 13 advantage for you, Bobby. 16. 14. 16, 14, 20. There's no justice in this world. None.

Baston goes into shock and collapses and begins to die. Next up is you, Bobby. Can I drown out this? I've got a bell. If I ring that, will that drown out the sound of the... It's too late. Too late? She caught us all by surprise.

I notch another arrow and fire it at her. Yep, go for it. Oh, boy. Guys, Baston is dying. Okay, I just want you to know that. Baston, make your first death check. Now, do you know how this works? If you fail three death checks, you need to roll 11 or more.

Put on dice, Ken. You're a fancy dice. Yeah. Give me a sec. Give me a sec. Level up dice. Okay, here we go. Three. Okay, you we go. Three.

Okay, you failed your first of three dice, of three death checks. No one dies like Bastard. Next is Freezer. I take my magic sword and I just swipe again because I think I don't even have any spell slots. You don't have a spell book. Oh, fuck.

All right, I roll a, oh, not five. Doesn't hit. Wouldn't hit. I've got a spell book. You do. I'm going to cast a spell. So I have... I run back into the tomb and I collect all those candles. Yep.

And I say... What for? Burning hands! And I'm holding the candles and I throw them all, like 20 candles at the banshee. It's a good spell, Dave. It's a good spell. Make a little dexterity.

Dexterity? Magic? Yeah, add your dexterity. Make a dexterity check. Two. Four. All right. You throw a lot of candles at the ground.

That was your action. But Dave, I don't want to backseat DM here, but is it not possible that that would confuse the Banshee enough to give somewhat advantage to somebody else? I think the Banshee is definitely confused, but I'm not going to give advantage for a roll of a two. I'm sorry. Okay, that's fair.

Simon. I take the shot of metal and just be like, by the power of this metal that I found, quit it, please. I, the holder of the metal, do demand Banshee. Okay, so she stops. And all of a sudden, her face becomes... Well, it rehinges itself for a start.

Yeah. Because she's... Yeah. And a ghostly hand... One ghostly hand reaches out to the piece of metal you have and the other reaches around the banshee's neck where you see that she has the matching piece of metal. Oh.

And for a moment, she seems calm. And for a moment, she seems calm. And for a moment, she seems, for want of a better word, human. In that moment, using my sleight of hand, I snatch the metal from her. That could get her very angry, but make a dexterity check. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Okay, that was a six. That's 11. Yeah, that was a six. That's 11. Yeah, that's not enough, I'm afraid. You reach at it, and she shrieks again, and she flies into a rage, and she slashes at you, Bobby, and hits you for... Oh, wow, 3d6 plus two.

So... Oh, we're getting killed. For a 15 points of damage. Do something. How much? 15 points of damage. Next up is you. Can you have your second death check?

I don't want to die, Dave. I'm too beautiful to die. I'm a level three handsome man. Oh, wait. This one's super fancy. This one's the killer dice. That's a 14. Okay, you're fine for now.

Hing. All right. Friso yells at Filge and says, I'll give you the medal. There was medal in the thing. I'll give it to you if you give me the spell book. Okay, you're going to trade the sword for the spell book. Not the sword.

I'm going to lie to Filge and tell her I found some medal and then try and trade her for the spell book. He did find medal, didn't he? Well, we just established that the banshee has the medal. Oh. Yeah, but I'm lying to Filge. And I'll say, look, give me the spellbook. Just try asking her.

Just be like, hey, I'm Filge, I'm standing here, I'd like the spellbook, there's no deception, there's nothing... I'm just a warlock standing in front of a half-orc. Ask her to give me my spellbook. Do you want to try that? Okay, yeah, fine, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that thing then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's broken anyway,

I say, and I toss it towards you. You have your spellbook back, and it is now your go, Freezer. Alright, yeah, yeah. I'll do that thing then. Yeah, it's broken anyway, I say, and I toss it towards you. You have your spell book back and it is now your go, Frieza. Alright, cool. I'm going to... Oh, fuck! I don't have any spell slots because we didn't rest. Well, I got my spell book, but I'm going to slash with the sword. Wait, the amount of time that's gone on inside where there's no time. We haven't rested in the number of hours?

No, we didn't. No, I don't think you have. Sorry, no. Alright, that's an 18. All right, that hits. All right, so that's a D8 plus two. I do six points of damage to the Banshee. All right, six points of damage is just enough and the thing shrieks again

and it seems agitated, but again, your sword glows and the Banshee's scream turns to silence as it collapses into dust. In the centre of the dust... It's like Bastogne's heartbeat. In the centre of that pile of dust you find another little pendant.

I grab it and I hold the two together to try and work out what they do. The moment you bring them close together an energy pulls them together and the links seem to try and work out what they do. The moment you bring them close together, an energy pulls them together, and the links seem to wrap themselves around each other, forming and reforming until they form this splitting image. Spitting image?

Spitting. Of the key. You're doing so well, Dave. The spitting image of the key that was lost. It is another key to the crypt. Great. Friso, I know you have healing potions. I think you took them when you took all my stuff. I have healing potions.

I give one to Baston. Yep, okay. He suckles at it, which seems unnecessary. And the color comes back to his cheeks, and he is awake again. Okay, and I drink one as well. Great, you regain D10 plus one hit points. Now, from killing the banshee, do I, which is, I feel like I did not get enough thanks for killing the banshee, but that's fine. You brought the banshee, never mind, it's fine.

I'm not even here. I get some extra hit points for killing it, right? You gain two temporary hit points. That's correct. All right. Let's get out of here. Great work, everyone, I say. Oh, we still haven't found that goddamn sword.

But there's more of the castle to explore, right? There is. Two more floors yet lie ahead of you. But having bested the catacombs Of the family stride It seems that luck is on your side As you leave a dark cold place That could well have been your tomb but was not For it was instead

Bested by a motley crew That time and future Bards would call the dragon Friends thank you very much Dragon Friends is DM'd By David Harmon with music performed live by me Friends. Thank you'd like to find out more and book tickets, visit thedragonfriends.com slash packs.