Dragon Friends - #2.15. I'm Just Gonna Punch Someone with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

The Dragon Friends have been freed from the spooky crypts of Castle Ravenloft and are back on the prowl in the Western wing. This feels like showdown time. Boss fight time. This feels right. Bobby and Freezo have a fight over a shiny ball. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Terrors of the catacombs of... Let's not do this again. The terrors of the catacombs of the family strad have been bested, and the dragon friends bloodied but unbowed. With the banshee defeated and the crypt key discovered, you have the means to leave this place, but also the element of surprise may for once be with you.

For it is clear that Strahd meant for his family tomb to be your final prison and it is likely that he will not expect you to have escaped it quite so handily. The four of you seize the moment to regroup, rest and eat a hurried meal. Friezo you have time to reacquaint yourself with your spells and everyone is able to instantly regain their hit dice from this brief respite. Can I use this opportunity to learn the invisibility spell you gave me? You can. At this point, you can memorise this invisibility spell.

None of you have any doubt that a great challenge lies before you, perhaps even your greatest challenge yet, and preparation now may be the difference between victory and death. At long last it is Bobby who stands up, squaring himself against the door that lies above him. With key firmly in hand, he fits it to the lock and a familiar vortex of energy throws the dragon friends through its maw and back into the library of Castle Ravenloft's western wing. It is impossible to tell how long has transpired, but by the absence of light, it must be close to midnight. Your host awaits, and it would be good not to keep him waiting.

So we need to go to level four, five. So you are on level two right now, the library. Level one was the guest quarters, level two was the library. There are two levels ahead. So where do we think Strahd took Irina? Well, bats always sleep on the ceiling. Yeah, but each floor would have a ceiling. That is what makes it a floor.

One man's floor is another man's ceiling. But... Unless you live on the top floor. And you don't have a ceiling, in which case your ceiling is the sky. In which case you're not actually... That's not a building, that's a dumpster. In which case you're living on someone's roof. When you guys are done, I hadn't finished.

Bats sleep on the ceiling, but the king of bats... ..sleeps on the top floor. I see. Actually... It's an old Orcish saying. While you sit here philosophising, actually. Also, I tallied the experience in the last couple of adventures and realised that I forgot it in the last story,

but you've all leveled up, so congratulations. Woo! You guys are now all level four and I have new character sheets for you. So level four, because this is your first campaign, this is the first time you get stat bonuses, which means that you all, your dice rolls are gonna get a little bit better.

So Friso, you now have 16 charisma, which baffles me. And you're a warlock level four. Congratulations. You can cast, you know, more spells. Baston, you... Did you say you can cast no more spells? More spells. You know more spells. Ah, right. Okay. Baston, you're a little bit stronger. Bobby, you're a little bit more dexterous. Filge

had the opportunity of taking her fourth level of barbarian, but Alex insisted that she wanted to take a level of wizard, so... You are a level three barbarian, level one wizard. A gimme. That means that you can cast two spells a day. I did ask you last night what spells you wanted. You said surprise me. So Filge has had in a moment of inspiration

from holding Friso's spell book for so long, two spells have coalesced in her mind, but because she is unfamiliar with the language of magic, she just knows them as spell number one and spell number two. Hold on, let me get this. So wait, what's going to happen is at some point, Filge will try and cast a spell. As an action.

And Alex will say, I cast spell number one. And at that point, you'll tell her what the spell is? That's right. It's like a lucky dip. Oh no. Will there be spells from this book? Filge's spell book is written in her heart. Right, okay. And your magical focus is the Great Club,

so if you ever lose it or are disarmed by it, you lose the ability to cast spells. Got it, yep. All right, so yes, you find yourselves in the Library of Strahd, once a proud and beautiful building, now wracked by winds and tempests. It is a pitiful, scrap-filled dumpster fire of what it once was. Dave, seeing

as we're back in the library, Bastogne's going to have another go on the ladder. Whee! Alright. So, can you remind me, how much of the sword have we put together?

You only have the handle. Okay. If they threw the handle very hard... Is it possible that Filch could just beat this vampire to death with the handle? Do you know, there's really only one way to find out. I guess we should venture onwards and upwards then. You can study the handle if you want. Yeah, is there anything, like any inscriptions, any like runes or...

I will do, and I kind of check. I roll a two. Okay. What if I point... You put it in your butt. What if I point the lantern of seeing at the thing? All right, that actually does something. It makes it brighter than it was.

You have found one of the actual uses of the lantern of revealing. Sorry, when he does this is he zipping by on the ladder? You are going to have to get off the ladder. Hold it still. Just race alongside me. No, absolutely.

So it's the ladder the lantern reveals first of all the symbol of the family house and then a inscription that says to Sergei my brother which is written in old

Barovian and while you were looking at it you also realised something just from your own heritage that this is fine Barovian workmanship. This is obviously an heirloom of a noble family of these lands. But do I recognise the crest on it? You've all recognised by now. I reckon it's fucking Strahd's crest. Probably Strahd's.

Just wanted to confirm. You're in his house. I'm in his house, right. Oh no, it's the Wilkinsons from Downshark. So you are in this ruined library. The doors to the guest quarters are below you. The doors to who knows what

lie above you. In the ceiling? It's called a hatch, Dave. No, no, these rooms have... I already explained. I explained this. This tower has stairs along the side with small balconies. Explain how rooms work one more time.

Don't you remember? We did this already. Eden tried to fly kick a door and fell down off the balcony. Am I the only person who listens to this podcast? Yes. All right. I imagine that very different. So I think he probably has to listen to it.

Yeah, but it's good. I'm just doing like volumes and levels and stuff. I don't pay attention to the plot. All right. We march up the stairs toward level four. I think it's the level we haven't been to yet. Well, to level three, which is traditionally the level that comes after the second level.

Where were the crypts? Oh, probably below. Not in the crypts. All right. We march to Level 3. Okay. As you make your way up to the balcony, you discover that this door previously locked has been left...

Oh, can I just say... Can I just say... I just want them to leave the first room. Yeah, I know. But, yeah, there are all these different levels because you know them because they're on top of each other. But Strahd is such an edgy guy that all the levels are level 666.

And when he's showing people around the castle, he's like, oh! You're on level 666. That's bad. But it's not. It's level 1 in case of a fire. Is that the response you were hoping for? No!

I wouldn't... When I played that out of my head... Were you, like, carried out by these people on their shoulders? Yeah, but in a good way. 666! We approach level 666. And you notice that the door has been left ajar. Once again, it seems a sign that Strahd was not expecting you to best his crypt quite so quickly.

So we go through the door that is slightly ajar. Who's going first? Aiden. Looks like I'm doing it. Bam. I know it's slightly ajar, but I'm going to kick it anyway. Is this another flying kick? Yep!

Alright. Sure is. Alright, roll your dice. That's how I roll. Eleven! Alright, eleven will do it. The door was open, so... What wouldn't have done it? Look, last time he did this, he rolled a one, so... Two, something like that.

Any chance to fling himself off the balcony. Anyway, you make your way through the door, Eden, and inside you see what seems to be I want to say a word now, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it. What's the synonym? Lean into it, Dungeon Dave. I was going to say voluminous.

What? Oh, voluminous. Voluminous. Thank you. You were very close. Good on Dave for trying a new word. Good on Dave. I think Dungeon Dave is being very brave. Brave Dave. This is a beautiful bedroom chamber

with voluminous flowing sort of tapestries and a four-poster bed in the edge with beautiful brocaded sort of pillars. Does the bed look like it's been slept in recently? No, it does not. It looks, if anything, ceremonial. It's huge. It has... What do you mean a ceremonial bed?

Like black satin sheets. Like for special fucking? Is that...? You're not going to sleep in black satin sheets every day. That'll get messy real quick. I do. No, no, no, no. Let's stop the adventure and drill down on that for a second. I don't even know what satin is.

Is it...? It's this... It sounds flammable. Anyway, the black curtains of this four-poster bed are closed and the room, even the candles seem sombre, restrained, and the light is very dim. And this is just to clarify, because last time we found Irina in a bedroom, this is a different bedroom.

This is another bedroom. Directly above. Her room was sort of the colour theme was like whites and peaches. This is a different bedroom. This is another bedroom. Her room was sort of the colour theme was like whites and peaches. This is reds and blacks. But actually, otherwise, it looks like the furnishings were probably bought from the same Swedish supply store.

Okay, so there's a four-poster bed with the curtains drawn around it. Yes. Oh, that is a temptation. Okay. Nobody else has seen it. To do what? I'm kind of worried. You're not in the room yet, Fraser.

Do you want to fuck the bed? No, I was thinking I would try and dive through and come out the other side. Or maybe do like a whale dive. Well, you know, nobody's here to stop you because you went into the room by yourself. I'm going to do it. I'm going to follow, say yes to your own ideas. Okay, so I'm just going to... Describe what you're going to do.

So I'm like, so I like start running like in slow motion for dramatic effect. Like literally in slow motion. I notice he's running in slow motion, so I'm like, What? Guys, come quickly. No, no. Die strong. And fly kick through the closed curtains.

I assume into a vampire. Make a dexterity check. Yeah, this is going to go well. That was not clear. Six. You were asking before what wouldn't do it. That would not do it. You try to do a flying kick

and Bobby tries to make it as heroic as he can with the supporting slow motion sounds, but your foot gets tangled in the curtains and what becomes a heroic kick sort of becomes a wincing, wrenching sensation in your groin. Oh, not my groin! And you actually are going to have dexterity penalties for the rest of the adventure.

Why do I do anything? Nobody knows, Eden, nobody knows. But it is a good thing that you failed, because as the entire curtains are wrenched off their socket, it reveals in a beautiful white, it seems, funerary gown, the reposing figure of Irina Kolyana. Is she awake? Is she alive?

She seems entranced, asleep, or otherwise. My love, I'm just going to lie down for a little bit. Just next to you, just have a little... The three of you in the other room hear some thuds and then a crash. So we rush in. You find Eden collapsed,

tangled in... Just straight chilling. By the time you get there, I'm like... My groin doesn't hurt at all. Gaston, what happened? Look over there. So I guess we see Irena and we're pretty freaked out by that. So I guess I swing at her with my sword.

I'm going to stop you right there. So as he swings, I put my hand up and I hold. What do you think the goal of this adventure is? I'm unclear. So do you want to, I guess I rolled to swing and then you rolled to. Okay, and I'm rolling to stop him. I rolled a seven plus my strength is negative one. I rolled a six.

Oh my God, okay. I rolled a 15. 15. All right. Plus six a six. Oh my God, okay. I rolled a 15. 15. All right. For six, so. Okay. So not only, are you swung with your magic sword?

Yeah. Okay, I'm actually going to say because you succeeded by like 10 that you pull out your magic wand and you smash the sword out of Friso's hands and it clutters to the far side of the room. I pick up the sword.

Mine. Bobby, you now have a plus one magic longsword. Filge's magic sword. Filge pulled out her magic wand. Right, okay, good. There are two magic wands now. There are two magic wands.

I will cross this sword off my list then. What did we learn? Attack people far away from out of harm's reach of Filge, I guess. Yes. So yes, she's incredibly... By the way, Irina does not seem to respond to any of this noise. I bend down next to the body of the sleeping Irina and I slap her across the face.

Okay. To wake her up. How hard? Just briskly. Could you do a up. How hard? Just briskly. Could you do a dexterity check? A brisk slap. A brisk slap. Brisk.

And Jimmy Clear, this is non-lethal. Yeah. As opposed to a lethal slap. I just, with a half-hook, you don't know. Okay, this is how hard it is. Like Macaulay Culkin putting on aftershave. Can you slap Breezo as hard? Can you slap Hing as hard as you slap her?

Can I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Take your glasses off. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Briskly. All right.

Okay, so no effect. No effect. Oh. I, being a prince, will revive her with a kiss. And I roll to kiss her. Friso distances himself from these remarks. I rolled a six. On what check?

Smooch check. I think we established that previously. Smooch check. A grapple. A grapple. Well, you're doing it wrong. Actually, I think that's just a touch attack. Just like licks her eyeball. Okay, great. doing it wrong. Actually, I think that's just a touch attack. Just like licks her eyeball.

Okay, great. That's disgusting. While all this is happening, actually, Bobby, because you're not getting involved in this weirdness, why don't you actually just make for me a very simple, just be 10 perception check. Oh, nice, 15. Okay, so you have a chance to scan the room and you notice a couple of things.

Firstly, the balcony, the stairs leading up again. It seems that every room in this tower is built to the same design. From the same Swedish castle shop. Should we name that shop? No. No. It's called No. No with an accent.

Great. Saved. No, so G-N-O-M-L-A-T-O. Fine, good. Exclusively by Swedish trolls. And they sell a bookcase called Billy, but it's actually alive. Oh boy, there's a lot of potential there.

Anyway, so you notice a couple of things, the bookcase leading up. You also notice what seems to be in the far corner a sort of chest that is locked and barred, and you also can see a pedestal in the other corner of the room that seems to have something obscured by a black shroud. All right, I'll go and inspect this. I'll take care of this.

No, no, you're busy smooching. Yeah, I'll go and inspect the shroud. All right, you're pulling it off? Yep. Okay, underneath it you see what... Wait, what are you saying? Ben, don't. Okay.

Okay, as you pull it... What? What? Sorry? Just say it. Did you have something to... He's just pulling it off. That was...

Again, is that the reaction that you... As you remove the shroud, you see underneath it a globe of crystal held in a wicked iron claw. And inside that crystal, you can see a sort of smoky

whirling vortex of energy. Is it something, is the claw attached to the ground on a stand? The claw comes out of the pedestal and is attached and it's the talons are such that you would not be able to remove the sphere without breaking the claw.

But I could take the claw with me? No, because it's attached to the pedestal and the pedestal is attached to the floor because presumably Strahd knows that thieves like you are walking around. I'm the foot bone attached to the floor because presumably Strahd knows that thieves like you are walking around. Okay, got it. I'm the foot bone connected to the leg bone. I touch it.

Okay, the moment you touch it, there is a sharp crackle of energy and it feels chill to the touch. But as you touch it, if any of you had been looking at him, you would have seen the same vortexes of clouds seem to appear milky within Bobby's eyes. And in that moment, Bobby, you feel yourself transported far away to a room... Land of milk.

No? Not the milk dimension? And you're drowning in milk. Make a milk saving throw. No, you find yourself in a long room full of benches and tables and barrels that you feel like you have been in before. Looking at your hands, you see that they are smoky and transparent.

It is like you are a ghost. And in that room, you can see figures of deep gnomes walking around. And you realise that you are in the cellars deep under the castle. Hello gnomes!

None of them seem to be reacting. In fact, they're talking to each other. So, do we notice? No, he just is standing rigidly holding it with his eyes cloudy. Did you take Jeremy's shift? I'll come back to you guys. Yes, I need to get away on the weekend so I'm filling up some leave time. Where are you going? You know, just down into the deeper dungeons. There's a subterranean lake I hear is divine. You know, I once went to the subterranean lake with Mary. Oh, Mary?

I'm sorry that didn't end well. Yeah, well, you know. In front of your hand, you see that you still have a ghostly version of the orb. Do you remove it or do you keep your hand on it? I keep my hand on it. All right, there's a whooshing sound and you feel yourself sucked away and suddenly you find yourself standing in front of the banquet tables

that were in the organ room of the castle with the corpse of the Minotaur Cedar still lying in front of you. A second later and you are whooshed away again, this time to the very top, standing on top of the top spire of the castle raven loft, where looking down you can see the flickering flames of strange eldritch equipment and in front of you, staring it seems in your face, is the figure of the vampire Strahd. Can he see me?

He's like, making a spell, making a spell. Why do I bother? It's me, Strut, and I'm making a spell. And he does like an air lute. And that's what he's doing. Go back to the milk dimension! Yeah, so he's pottering around and he's got all these runes and he's like, where's me runes at? There they are.

And he's got a rune book and he's drawing his runes and he's just muttering to himself. Can I do a perception check and see if there's anything in the environment? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, yep. Now, 13 will do it with your intelligence. So Strahd, it seems, is preparing a ritual, and you can see that there is a... The room is constructed so that a huge shaft through the ceiling

forms a natural light-based sundial, essentially. By the passage of the moon, you can check the time, and it seems by the markings that he is working towards midnight. Would you say that it's a full moon? No. No. It was a full moon three days ago. I don't know how long we've been in this castle.

It feels like months. Months and months. And so, yeah, actually, why don't you... Why don't you make a quick intelligence test, DC-15? Alright, you've got no idea what's going on, I'm sorry. But you do know he's making a spell because he had that song before that he was singing. Do you want to keep holding? Yeah, I want to keep holding.

I can do this all night. We're going to cut away for a second. So, while, as I said, Bobby walks up towards it, and before anyone can say, hey, don't touch that magical artefact, he touches it and immediately goes rigid. His eyes go white, and to touch, he becomes incredibly cold. Okay, so I was just thinking that if Friso

saw someone else touch a magical item, he becomes incredibly cold. Okay, so I was just thinking that if Friso saw someone else touch a magical item, he would get jealous. So Friso runs up the staircase and also tries to grab the orb. Phil, are you going to allow that? No, I chase after... Oh, come on! What the fuck are you doing, man? Babysitting you.

I chase after Friso. Opposed dexterity checks. Come on! Fight, fight, fight! I'm taking three stirs at a time. That's a critical one. I got an 11. Funzo. Friso wins! Friso escapes the horrendous clutches of the

dumb orc. Half orc, I apologise. Racist. There is a blink, Bobby, and suddenly the ghostly form of Friso seems to stand beside you, holding the same orb. And I go... I look into Bobby's eyes and I go, Let go!

Let go! This is mine now! You're not even looking around in this new place you've found yourself. No, I'm making eye contact with the thing I recognise. So you're not looking away at all? You're not looking at the room at all? Absolutely not. I am staring directly into Bobby Pancake's eyes and I say, this orb is mine. Let it go.

You're not even magic. Friso, Friso, look at me. He already is. Shut your mouth. This one? Game changer. Look around you. I let go of the orb.

Where am I now, Dave? You're back in the room. Oh. Oh, right. And Bobby Pancakes is... And Bobby's still, like, frozen, right? Yeah, Bobby's still frozen. Do you want to say anything to Filge?

Yeah, I say, hey, Filge, Bobby's corrupted by the vampire. I just saw it in his eyes. We need to rip him off this orb. I just, like, I'm still like on the stairs because I fell down. The chin is still on the floor, yeah. Yeah, and I say, Me heard what you said.

Oh. I thought I said that in my head, in the ghost head. Damn it. Nothing you say in your head is actually in your head. I'm going to kill that orc later. Okay, so I guess Frieza puts his hand back on the thing

and then goes back into the dimension and asks Bobby what he's seeing. All right, well, why doesn't Friso look around like a grown boy? I, 17. Okay, 17. 18 for intelligence. Excellent.

All right, so you realise, with perhaps a mind more suited for seeing foul and evil works when he sees it. Okay. That perhaps a mind more twisted or more corrupt. Perhaps a mind... Perhaps a better mind who's smarter.

Whatever, man. Come on. That is enfeebled to virtue. No, you can in fact recognise that, partly because he's singing a song about it, that the vampire is casting the ritual that you read of in the tomb, the one that would summon forth an army of undead from the Prime Ethereal Plane

that would allow him to potentially wage war against the Sword Coast. And he would have sung that, but it doesn't scan. Is there an early draft of the song we can hear, though? Yeah, it's like making a spell, making a spell, making it to summon an army. And then he's like, what, I got kicked out of that band. I was the talent.

Alright. Okay, Friso uses his action to buy tickets to Stroud's, I guess, performance at a local RSL. I don't know. So yeah, you realise that he is... Trying to summon this army. He's trying to cast that spell. And if you remember correctly, that spell required two things.

It would reach Zenith at midnight, and it had to be, as part of the spell, you have to sacrifice the one thing that you love most in the world. Which we assume is Irena. So I relay all that information to Bobby, and I let go of the orb and tell Bobby to... How charitable of you. All right, excellent.

And then I say to Bobby, I'll meet you in the real world. All right, I let go. All right, you both appear back in the real world. I say to Frieza, if the thing that makes it work is the thing that he loves most in the world, what if the thing that he uses

isn't actually that thing? What if it's a facsimile of it? Irena's not Petrina. If he casts the spell, will it work? Will it backfire? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Should I be asking Filge? Yeah, ask Filge. Filge, just to catch you up. Could you hear all that? Huh? Huh? So you're saying if he casts a spell using Irene and not Petrina, will the spell backfire?

Yes. So what you're suggesting is we do nothing and risk him taking over the world with an undead army? No, I'm just... Look, when you put it like that, it does sound very silly. So, to recap, you were here in the room on the third floor. Irina is on the bed. The door above you leads to a space yet unknown.

The door below leads back the way you came. Is there a window? And there is the chest. Yes, there is a window. Okay. We should throw Irina out the window. I was going to say lower her out the window by a rope. Well, you guys better reach consensus.

Let's lower her out a window with a rope. Well, you guys better reach consensus. Let's lower her out a window with a rope and then so she's far away. She's like presumably out of the magic zone. Like the castle is probably the magic zone and if we lower her out the window, like you're trying to move a mattress.

We lower her out the window the top and we lower her down outside the what I assume is the magic zone. Where are you tying this rope? To the bed? To build. Crucially, the other side of the rope. Where are you tying it to? No, no, no.

One side to the bed. One side to the bed. One side to Irina. In a hill's hoist. Yeah, like, oh no, we'll do bits around the arms. Yeah, not the neck. No. Fool me once.

If we hide Irina's body, us have to put something else there, pretending to be Irina. Say, freezer? Of a facsimile. Ooh. Like a fax? Like a double fax. I scream into the air, confusing everyone.

Does anyone have any butter? Stop it! Okay. So we agree we're going to lower out the window and then go upstairs. Okay, who is tying the knot? Wait, this is a terrible idea. I know, but... We're going to drop her too.

What's out the window? Can we look what's out the window before we just lower her out the window? There's no time, Bastogne! Looking out the window, you see the jagged peaks of the Balinox and a 400-foot plummet to icy waterfalls. Okay, how much rope do we have? We'll just take the bedsheets,

tear them into strips. We could just suspend around them. They're satin, they're not going to hold. Okay, let's check out this trunk. I once saw a movie where they weed on the satin. The trunk is locked. Does the key that I have operate, the magic key,

does that work on the... Do you want to give it a go? Yeah. You get sucked into it and you're back in the crypt. Okay, I go back out of the crypt again. Alright. You work out how that key works now? Guys, how long is that? How long has that gone? Oh, so every time I use that key... That key transforms any door or vessel that it opens

into a pocket portal to the family crypt of the house. The crypt dimension. All right, let's... Oh, no. Would it work on a person's mouth? Boo! Wait. Because if it does, I think we've got a show. It's Bobby's plan then to use his swift hands

to thrust the key into the vampire's hand, then bite it and then twist the vampire's hand, thrusting the vampire into the crypt. Or challenge Strata hot dog eating contest. And hide the king in a barn. No, just like, and then be like, oh! He's like, oh, he's so good! Meanwhile, he doesn't realise that his crypt's filling with hot dogs.

A mild inconvenience. Mommy, Chris! All right, Frieza, what are you doing while they're talking? I'm running up to the fourth floor then. Okay. So you're just running up the steps? Oh, fifth floor. How many floors are there?

Every floor is 666. I run to level 666 above the current level that we're on. Yeah, I get it. Alright, Friso makes a dash up the steps. Wait, wait, is it a padlock on the chest? It seems, yeah, there is a padlock. I use the sword and like cut the padlock off. Okay, why don't you

make a strength check? Two? Is that a two? Yeah, that's a two. Alright, you might have damaged the sword. Me going to try and do it with my wand. Oh, you're going to cast Open Door? No. What?

Should I? You can choose one or two. No, no, no. Me not going to waste it. Me just use wand in using Great Club spell. All right, because you are being assisted by Bobby, you can roll two dice and pick the highest. Wee!

Oh, big and... Ten. Plus your strength. Plus my strength. Fourteen. So I swing at it with my magic wand. And I scream, open lock of me! And I bash it.

Oh, that's good. The lock is old and brittle. And it bash it. Oh, that's good. The lock is old and brittle and it shatters. And inside you see a couple of things. First of all, you see an old dusty book. You also see what seems to be a stoppered vial of some kind of liquid. And you also see... And you also see... Stop it.

Stop it. And you also see what seems to be a little bag with a small stone that kind of hums in it. Alright, well, I'm definitely keeping that. Don't write vial of wee on my... Little bag with a stone. Alright, suddenly you hear... You feel a sort of shift,

and you actually hear sounds like chimes ringing out, chimes that you have heard earlier in the night from some kind of another deep gnomish invention perhaps that seems to tell the time, and they ring out 11 times. Oh. One. Two. Three. Benny, can you make those really old and choppy and badly recorded? Yeah, no, I can do it.

No, keep going. You've got to get to 11. Seven. Eight. 11. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Here comes 11. Oh, boy.

Numbers. Baston looks up, and Irina's face is covered in stubble rash and he's like, my kisses have failed to revive her. Something is wrong. That's all I have to report. Okay, so... Should...

Okay, why don't we hide Irina's body in the trunk and then... The trunk is quite small. We'll fold it up real. How small is it? How flexible is she? It is... Oh, why don't we shove her into the crypt using your key?

All right. Okay. And then I've got disguise self. Can I disguise myself as Irina? Yeah, you can cast that spell on yourself. Okay. All right, so Bobby using some of his trickster magic, a glint comes in his eyes and a flick,

and the fabrics of his body seem to shift and become a white funerary gown. And suddenly, as his hair falls, spills out from underneath his smouldering trilby, he becomes the spitting figure of Petrina. Just as he does this, as you open the chest and fling, presumably, the body of Irina down

what is really two flights of stairs. And I yell, you're safe now! As her body tumbles down the stairs. And as you do that, you suddenly... Body there with some hot dogs. Cushion her ball. You suddenly hear a noise and a scuffling at the door above you

and you have very little time to act. Oh, no. If you don't do something soon, I'm going to make you all just stand there. Okay, I'm going to race up the stairs and push my body against the door so it doesn't open. Okay. I'm going to help her bar the door. But Frieza's outside the door, right?

Yep. Barring the door. Is Filch just squashing me up against the door. Yeah, yeah, you're really grinding against well I ran up to the door yeah, so I was at the door all right So you're there store this stairs door upstairs door six six six you guys are grinding yourselves against the door And which way does the door open? Inwards no outwards No no yeah, you're the way you're barring it. No, I do not bar the door.

I do not help but bar the door. I'm trying to get in there. What do you do then? I was trying to open the door. All right. The door upstairs. You have a chance. Make a dexterity check.

Come on. Open the door. 18 plus 1 is 19. All right. Do you want to try and beat that really quickly? That is not going to do it. I want to try and beat that really quickly? That is not going to do it. I want to try and beat it. As you race to bar the door because it is scuffling,

Friso darts forward at the last minute and flings the door wide open and inside you see a figure above you that seems wet, furious, covered in injuries and is tall and foreboding, but not the figure of Strahd. Instead, it is a scuffled figure that you have seen before. A man dressed in simple peasant's robes with a humble sword and tales of adventure in his head. And perhaps a vendetta.

And to play him, Edvard Ostwick, please welcome back to Dragon Friends, Mr. Carlo Ritchie. You know what's most hurtful about this? I saw Carlo here tonight and I thought, oh, it's so nice Carla came to watch the finale of the show. Yeah, so nice. Carla doesn't come unless he's in. You've come here to fuck us, I assume.

Yeah, well, yeah, that's pretty much it. If anyone has forgotten, last time we saw Edvard Ostwick, he helped the dragon friends through no small sacrifice of himself, through his lands and on their way to the Balinox and as he left them safe in a carriage, waiting to take them up to the castle, Friso turned around

and tried to murder him for two temporary hit points and now he re-enters our tale. Shouldn't you be baking Brad Baker's boy? Shouldn't you be baking bread, Baker's boy? Ostwick, I rue the day I let you live. And I haven't eaten bread in three days.

I'm very hungry. I was also assaulted by wolves. And a man with a jacket and a fierce eye. But it was all worth it to stop you, Friso. What are you doing here, Ostwick? How'd you get up here? The village folk were assaulting the castle. I bested a couple of fellers and got up here myself to stop you myself. Strahd's evil, sure, but you're evil incarnate. Why are you so wet?

I fell in the moat. But it's okay, because my mum was a sea witch, so it's fine. I call bullshit on you, Ostwick. You've never told a true tale in your life. And you've never lived an honest day in yours. Ostwick draws a sword and lightning strikes behind him, silhouetting him perfectly. That's convenient. I take my wand, and on the empty tag that does not yet bear his name,

I begin to write Edvard Ostwick. Hang on, are you literally like, yeah, just kidding me. What, you just... How do you spell that? Is that two S's? Yeah. I'll take an attack of opportunity. Yeah, I think that's fair. All right, go ahead, roll. Everybody actually hang on initiative order,

but you can go first with the surprise round because Hing decided to start writing things down. You go first. I got a nine plus five, so I got 14. 14, what's your number? My armor class is 14. All right, so you attack, and incredibly the mithril chainmail

that you basically stole blocks the blow. Yeah, excellent stuff. And I say, you've failed at this, just like you've failed at being socially able. Frieza, you're up next. I take my wand, and with just all the anger and passion inside my heart, I cast Crown of Madness onto Edvard Ostwick.

All right, that is a level two. I don't really remember what it does, but I have written it down here on my card. Yep, all right, excellent, congratulations. Suddenly, a spell that you've never seen before, Frieza begins to cast. His eyes glow red hot, and as he casts it, the spell glows in his hands and then instantly fizzles because he's wearing armour. What?

You're the one that said you'd read the player's handbook, mate. You're wearing chainmail. Yeah. Is the chainmail some sort of magical Faraday cage? Is that what that is? All metal armour is a magical Faraday cage,

unless you have the proficiency for it. Which you don't. That's your first spell slot. Alright, Bobby, you're up next. Read the book! Did it make his chainmail mad in some way? It made it hot. Do I realise what's going on?

It made your chainmail hot and itchy. Yeah, you work it out. Okay. So, disguised as Arena as I am, I yell to Edvard. Edvard! Please stop this madness! These are my true friends!

I've no quarrel with you, lady! I'm here to kill this baker boy and then go back to eating three square meals a day made of gold. Does he know me from the village? No, you were in the castle. No, he's from Wickshire and you're from Barovia. He's the bravest man in Wickshire.

Bravest man in the shire. Please, don't hurt my Friso. No, he isn't misguided, man, but he is... Oh, fuck it, go for it. All right. Bobby's... All right, Phil, you're up next. I'm going to pin...

What's his name? Edvard down in a hug, in a bear hug, but I'm going to pretend like I'm happy to see him, so I go Ah, Edvard! Is this a deceptive grapple? Yes, Dave, it's a deceptive grapple. I'm a barbarian three now.

So I go Edvard, so good to see you! We miss you. I say with my fingers crossed behind my back. Make an attack roll and go against acrobatics. And then I lunge towards him. I got a fifth.

You got a nine. You got a nine. 17 minus one. 16. So you are pinned to the ground by the She-Orc. Get off me me let me fight the baker's boy I'll tell ya

Baston I'm gonna go and do the same thing to Friso smooch him no no no do the hug thing

be like Friso it's been good to see you and hug him alright attack roll versus acrobatics.

Acrobatics. No, that won't work. Okay, you're both grappled. Congratulations. Edvard, you're up next. I guess I'll try and break from this grapple, I suppose. Yep, okay, great. Just make actually a dexterity saving throw for me.

18. 18 minus one, 17. You break free from the grapple and that's your move. Action. Can I take an action surge after that

to attack the pinned the pinned baker's boy? Yeah, you've got advantage so go ahead. It's a thing that fighters have. It doesn't matter. He's not easy.

Read the book. Damn it. Fuck. Put this on a cake, Baker's boy! Alright, that'll do it. That's 15. You hit him with your sword for seven points of damage. So a sword literally flies past Baston's ear?

Well, Baston's holding him down. You're kind of helping. So wait, does he hit me in my head and only take seven points of damage? Do you want more? No, I don't. No, sir. Freezo, do you let go of Freezo at that moment? Yeah, I'm like, let's have a fair fight. Alright, you let go. Freezo, it's your go.

Alright, I rip off the armor. I guess I wriggle out, and hopefully as I wriggle out of Baston's clutches. Alright, that will take your entire action. No, no, because he let me go. But I'm taking off my arm. You're taking off his shirt. Show me how quickly you can take off his shirt. Fucking done it! Let's do this! Alright, sure. Alright, you can...

That was great. Bonus action. Very quick. That was very quick. As we've discussed, Friso has proficiency in stripping. Oh, it's mastercrafted stripper pants. Of course. All right, quickly, you get a free...

What are you doing? I am witch bolting this motherfucker so hard. That's 11 plus 6 is 17. All right, hang on. That is... So that's D10 damage. What D10? How many D10s?

Plus D10 plus 4. That is a 7 points of damage. Seven points of damage. You stagger back with a mighty blow. Bobby? I take the magical sword and I hold it at Friso's neck and I say, stop it right now. Bad Friso.

All right. You will get a reaction attack against Friso when it's his turn if he does anything. Filge? I grab Edvard and I put him in a choke hold and I say you, stop it right now! Once more, attack roll, acrobatics.

Ooh, four. That's a good old four. Alright, okay, so you grab him one more time and he's pinned against the wall. Bastogne? Takes his shirt off. No, no, no. I want to, look, I'm just going to punch someone. I don't know who it is. Spast on confused.

Yeah, just like, oh, I don't know. I'm like everybody. So odds, I punch Freezo. It's even, so I punch... Yep. So I punch a fancy man over there. 15. Yep, sure, that'll hit him.

D4. D4 plus three. Four damage. Four damage. Okay, so you are staggered and you are hit up. So you've been punched by man, pinned by half-orc, witch-bolted by elf, and you are close to death. You're not the heroes in this!

You're monsters! You're all monsters! Look at what you've made me do. And I take out a little bell from inside my jerker and I start ringing it. Okay, he rings this tiny bell and it gets louder and louder

until it is deafening in your ears. The sound seems sonorous, grim and severe and a whirlwind of wind followed by bats fills the room as once more

the figure of the vampire stride appears. Oh no, I've been woken up. Oh no. And the bats disappear. And he goes, oh, holy dooly. I was bats before. Now I'm me.

What the fuck? Oh no, no no no, who the fuck are you? To Edvard. I'm Edvard of Oswick, my father gave me this bell and told me to ring it... Yeah cool cool cool, cool story, no I'll tell you who you are, you're dead! And he disintegrates him, alright. You are, you're dead! And he disintegrates him. All right. Does that... Okay, that's 28 hit points.

Edvard Ostwick, I'm sorry. Turn in your character. How will the dragon friends get out of this? Their foe has been defeated by another foe, perhaps one even stronger, trapped on the third floor as the wind howls above them. The mob braze beneath them and lightning cracks all around. It seems that the end is soon at hand

for these four adventurers that fate and foolishness called the Dragon Friends. Thank you! Colin Ritchci, everybody! Dragon Friends is DM'd by David Harmon, with music performed live by me, Benny Davis, and features the voices of Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, Ben Jenkins, and Eden Lacey,

with special guest Carlo Ricci, returning as the bravest man in Wiltshire. Shakira Khan designs our website, and the podcast is edited by me, and sponsored by pax australia the country's biggest video games and pop culture expo and for those of you paying close attention about 90 seconds in you may have heard me playing an eerie discordant rendition of the jurassic park theme if you're wondering why it's because david just said something about castle

raven loft's west wing and i drunkenly got my themes confused so apologies if you found that distracting