Dragon Friends - #2.16. Six Thousand Uncontrollable Buttholes

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

SEASON FINALE TIME. The Dragon Friends are warmed up, decked out and ready for bloodshed. Save the maiden! Break the spell!  Like any good home invasion it's time to murder the homeowner and make out with the loot.Note, this episode is pretty filthy and it's all Hing's fault. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, podcast listeners. Just wanted to let you know that if you're looking for Christmas gifts for other fans, we are excited to announce that we've launched our online store, where you can buy sweet, sweet Dragon Friends merchandise, such as t-shirts, pins, and also Ben Jenkins' novelization of the podcast's first season, which absolutely nobody asked for. You can find all of that at thedragonfriends.com slash merch. Dragon Friends! If it's spooky, don't be frightened. Dragon Friends! DragonFriends.com slash merch. plenty more in store.

Travellers along the old roads of the Sword Coast speak of a land drenched in fog. A land called Barovia where moonlight shines upon a people cursed. A people who can never leave. The dragon friends have found themselves in this forgotten land and are facing the ruler of

this place. a man who cannot die, who cannot even be harmed, the vampire Strahd von Zarovich, hated by his family, cursed by the villagers, reviled even by the gnomes that do him service. Strahd has trapped our friends within his castle and even now has struck down a man who, let's be fair, was trying to kill them. This is the moment of reckoning. It is but half an hour, 30 precious minutes until midnight and should that hour strike and Irina fall, then a spell, ancient and terrible, will bring Strahd more power than he has ever imagined, and death to our friends, unless they can stop him. But time

is not on their side. So, it's... Have we had time to rest? Once, like, Strahd arrived, and then we were like... And then we're like, hey, no rush 20. And then we just all take a chill for four hours, let's say?

Wait, you would have got hit points though from zapping No, because I didn't get a killing blow. Strahd killed him. Strahd took them from me and that's the worst thing he's done. Because what really annoys Reza about that is he started writing the tag

but the tag doesn't count now. So now you're going to have to find someone that starts... But that is canon. You now have a tag that says Edva. Edva. Yeah, so if I ever meet anyone who's called Edva, they're dead straight away. Because the V can become a W too.

That's true. So Edwards aren't safe. Yeah, Edwards aren't safe. No one's safe, let's be honest. Okay, so Stra be honest. Okay, so Strahd, like, Strahd's just arrived,

hasn't he? He has. His bats have only just disappeared. He's zapped. He just disintegrated. Friso's taken out a sandwich.

Yeah. And the room falls silent and Strahd takes to the centre and he's like, how weird are capes? We're like, what?

Yeah, what's that all about? How do people wear these? Because it chokes you. Does he have his hand on that magical orb from before and he's been transported to the comedy store? Yeah. He's trying his tight five about capes. Yeah.

Yibber-ah! Yibber, yibber, yibes. You ever... You ever... You ever wear a cape and everyone looks at you like, yeah, he's wearing a cape, and you're like, oh, it's just how I look, oh! Hey, guys, stop me if you've heard this one. Have you ever... You know how you try to...

He knows. You try to raise an army of the undead. Are you trying to raise an army of the undead right, guys? You know how you go. You go, I could have an army of the undead. Are you trying to raise an army of the undead right, guys? You know, you go, I could have an army of the undead. He knows what I mean. And then some fuckwits, a quartet of knobs,

come to your castle and fuck up your plan. Have you heard that one? Stop me if you've heard that one. Show us your tits! I haven't heard it. Go on. Well, it's been real fun and all. To take the sarcasm in my voice there.

And all to take the sarcasm in my voice there. I'm not getting it. Was there a punchline? All right, well, he's going to be the first to die. Who wants to go next? Oh, audience participation. I don't want to say anything. It's heckling.

It's rude. And in fact, your decision not to say anything, It's heckling. It's rude. And in fact, your decision not to say anything, Friso, means that you can have the first action. I don't have any spell slots left. No, you have one. And you also still have a... You've leveled up, so you have a third. You also have a sword pointed right at your neck. Is that your sword?

That's my sword as Irina. That's my sword is what it is. But there's a vampire here. Yeah. I say, okay, I use my action to wriggle free from Bobby's dumb sword. I roll it. Well, you can move forward, but you have a chance to attack Frieza if you want. Oh, but yeah.

No, it was like... No, you have a bonus action, so you can say something or do whatever. Oh, yeah, OK. You have to convince Strahd that you're... Strahd! These fools wake me from a slumber. Is that a spaghetti boy? No, it's Zoe Notting Lodge voice.

She seems a lot less racist when she does it. Well, she's ethnically Greek. I'm a mix of Hungarian, English, Slavic, Irish. So, different for me. I'm also a boy. No! You're actually a what? Oh, no, that was me as doing the Zoe

Because that would have given you away It's like Deception 101 What's your game here Simon? My love My eyes were clouded Before but when these Were you in that milk dimension? Let the woman speak.

I know not of your milky land, but this vicious warlock did a magic on me and woke me from my slumber. But when I awoke, I awoke true, my vision clear, completely unmoke true. My vision clear. Completely unmilky. Babe, what the fuck? Again?

Seriously? You are nothing to me. Oh, shit. To me, stride is everything. All right, I want you to make... Owned, I'd say. I want you to actually... I want you to make a charisma saving... No, a willpower saving throw. Me? I want you to actually, I want you to make a charisma saving, no, a willpower saving throw.

Me? I want you to have disadvantage because Strahd's ego is such that he would rather probably win against Bastogne than not fall for such an obvious ruse. So disadvantage, 12. What's your DC of your spells? It would be a 11. DC 14.

DC 11 plus 3. It says plus 3. 14. No, no, no. DC 11 or plus 3 spell attack. Plus charisma? I've done it for you, mate. Strahd, for a second, seems confused.

Oh! Strahd, for a second, seems confused. Oh. And his mouths form the syllables of a name that is very special to him, that I'm sure Ben remembers. Brocky. No. How many months, man?

Petrina. Wait a minute. Petrina, what? No, this is bullshit. I have been reborn. Reborn in the body of another. The ages have kept me tethered to this earth, but my spirit lingered in love for you.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes? And then do I have a spell that I can kind of try and cast? No, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. And then do I have a spell that I can kind of try and cast? Yeah, you can cast a spell magic. Yep. I will cast a spell magic. Yep, because you know the spell's there. You don't need to roll the dice.

And instantly Bobby is revealed. Oh, look at that. Oh, you turned me into a Bobby. Oh, it's hideous. Turn me back, my love. Please. I've back, my love. Please. I've made worse than death. I've made up my mind.

He's going to die first. Who are you talking to? Myself. Because I'm mad. And the next one up is, that was Bobby's go, so the next freezer, you can now have your action Can I wriggle out of... Yeah, no, no, Bobby's distracted Oh, he's distracted?

He's also about three feet shorter, so... Yeah, alright, I need Bobby in the face, and then... That's your action? No, no, no, that's the colour and shade on this action Alright And I take my coin pouch. Which one? No, no, the actual coin pouch, not the teeth and...

I've shoved into a scrotum. I take my coin pouch with 120 gold pieces in it. 148 gold pieces. You're going to have to lose real non-cursed gold for this. Yeah. Yeah, and I spend all of my gold by just... All of the party's gold. By flinging it at Strahd and say,

our deal is complete! Which tricks the coins into thinking I've bought... Can we recap these coins? The magic of the coins state that I've bought... Can we recap these coins? The magic of the coins state that I have 120 gold coins and one of them is magical. And if I buy something from someone with it, I lose one

life but that person shits themselves and has magical diarrhea. That is canon Ben's set that two episodes ago. So you're losing one year of your life to do this. I'm losing one year of my life. And just so you know, that doesn't mean one year of old age life.

You will die one year earlier than you were meant to die. Are you talking to me or to Friso? I don't know. This is getting really intense. But anyway, I fling the coins and I say, our deal is complete. Tricking the coins, right? What's it in exchange for?

The coins need to know what you're buying. Tricking the coins, right? What did it exchange for? The coins need to know what you're buying. Tricking the coins. And I say, you killed my nemesis for me. Oh. I was thinking during the break. And I say, that man, I tried

to kill him once. He was my worst enemy and you finished the deed, so here is your debt, and I throw them at Strahd. Strahd catches the coins, and Dungeon Dave, what happened? Make a luck test. Roll an 11 or higher. Literally making a deal with the devil. Oh, my God. that was an 11 that's so unfair

if I may stride catches the coins and he's like, yeah, cheers, dickhead. Don't really... Oh, me blader! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oof! Oof!

I'm bats now! And then he becomes bats. And then the bats also... Oh, no! Oh, no! the bats also. Oh, no. Oh, I think I've had too many. A shower of shit

fills the room. I believe it's called guano. Which is, funnily enough, a component to cast the spell fireball. So, for a wizard, this is quite a payday, but go on. So, that happens. He's bats for a bit and then he becomes himself againday, but go on. So that happens. He's bats for a bit.

And then he becomes himself again. He's like, bats are much worse. Bats are a lot worse. I was just 6,000 bats with 6,000 uncontrollable buttholes. This is bad, but that was worse. Oh, this is the pits. Oh, no. Alright.

What a shitstorm. Very good. I scooped the guano up into a water pouch. Congratulations, you have a pouch of shit. You said it was good for fireballs. Yeah, well, don't believe everything I say. Also, guano is a mixture of shit and urine.

It comes from a cloaca, which is just one hole. They don't have a separate place to pass water in. I know what a bird's butthole is. I've got 6,000 of them sometimes. A bat is not a bird. Dave. It's a leather bird. It's a leather bird.

No, bats are bugs. Technically, a bat is a fruit. No, you're thinking of a fruit bat. I am thinking of a fruit bat. Every fruit is a bat, but every bat is not a fruit. Dave, now we established earlier in this series that I haven't read the entire Dungeon Manual, but if someone is uncontrollably shitting themselves, do they have disadvantage? Disadvantage. What does the manual say, Dungeon Dave? Disadvantage.

Does the audience know? Yeah, it turns out they do. Drop the book. What counts as disadvantage? They have disadvantage for everything except shitting. No one challenge him to a shitting competition. This is really important. So the next one up is Bastogne.

What weapons are lying around? Is there anything wood? So, no. There is. So you're in the room, still in the bedroom. There's the chest. There's the orb and the claw. There's the bed. The bedpost is made of wood.

I'm going to pull one of the bedposts off. Make a strength check. It's like... I'm going to hulk out and turn that into a weapon. Fifteen. I'm a beast. Fifteen plus three. Eighteen.

Old wood. It splinters in your hands and now you have essentially a rough quarterstaff with jagged edges, 15. I'm a beast. 15 plus 3, 18. Old wood. It splinters in your hands and now you have essentially a rough quarterstaff with jagged edges, a javelin or spear. Even. Stride, you're up next.

No, you missed your turn. Your lip gets real sweaty just above your lip. I think I'm through the worst of it, guys. Bobby, don't go in there for a

while, but which I mean here, where we all are. Oh, no, there we go. Bobby. I have taken

with me from previously one of the torches that is sharpened in the end. Yeah, you have a stake. Yep.

Yeah, a stake. I lunge at Strahd. All right, make an attack roll with advantage. Yeah, a stake. I lunge at Strahd. All right, make an attack roll with advantage. So roll two dice, pick the highest. Okay, I'll roll that one again. 20. 20!

Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. All right. Congratulations. All right, so you attack him. He has disadvantage.

You're a rogue, which means it's a sneak attack. So you get 2d6 bonus plus the d6 for the improvised weapon plus your normal four points. So roll those. That's a two, a one, and a one. Okay. You do a modest amount of damage with the wood and it does seem to damage him. However, as you do that, suddenly

his skin begins to glow and very slowly the stake is pushed back out of him and the wound closes. What the? And if he was not at that moment crying tears of pain as he evacuated his

bowels, he would probably have said something cool. Alright, the next one up is Filch. I am going to just straight up javelin him in the heart. Okay. So I say, hey, stride. Yes. Give this a go. Wait, can you have the one that I forgot to say

Oh yeah How do you like your steak She doesn't have a steak A javelin is like a long steak Can that get filled Hey Stroud Please enjoy eating this Dinner

And then I lunge the javelin into his heart. Two dice advantage. Twenty! Oh, shit! All right. All right. That is six damage in total. Okay, so that's a two.

So that is, it's maximum damage, sorry. Oh, it's maximum damage. So yeah, actually you did heaps of damage. However, it was, but it doesn't matter because again, the stakes are expelled out of his body and he now, even through the tears, begins to laugh. Yeah. This is grim.

This is, oh, it's bad news bears down there. Let me tell you. Oofy doofy. Friso. I'm dehydrated. That's, and that's what gets you. Friso. I've got like a power up.

Friso. Freezo. You're like a power ranger. Freezo. I take the ointment that I was given by the under gnome goblin people. What were they? Deep gnomes? Yeah. And I say to Strahd, this is the antidote to your butthole predicament. Which is the name of my scar band. Thank you. How badly would you like to stop shitting yourself?

Let me tell you something. When you've lived for centuries, quite dearly, actually, yes. Yeah, that would be very good. It will cost you 148 gold coins. I do not say that. I do not say that. I say, I try to bargain with Strahd.

Frito tries to bargain with Strahd and says to him, look, if you want this, you need to, like, I'm just trying to stall for time until we get past midnight. Okay.

Okay, all right, excellent. Why don't you make a deception check? Cha-cha. Cha-cha. Thirteen. Plus deception. What's deception?

Charisma. Plus four. Oh, my goodness, that's 17 because I'm the most charismatic walk that ever there was. Yep. Inexplicably. That would be good

if it was a moderate check. Unfortunately, it is a hard check because he's not an idiot. You just made him shit himself. Yeah, let's trust the guy with the magic shitting coins. Yeah, hey, guess what? This will make sense in hundreds of years in another dimension.

No deal! Strahd, it's your go. Yeah, look! Can I just side note say that I am noticing him. You think I don't notice, but I am noticing your new thing where you go, yeah, okay, I rolled the dice, and oh, a million times, I guess that's what I did. I succeeded before I could tell you what the DC is.

We're moving on, we're moving on. So I think Strahd finally, to put a phrase on, it cracks the shits, basically. You're going to need to be more specific because... Yeah. You know. Strahd holds up a hand and the whole room falls silent and then there's an awful noise

that breaks. He's like, could you try to ignore that? Because he has once again cast his mass hold person spell. Yeah, you can't move. Sorry. I'd planned... Let me be clear. I'd planned a lot of this in my mind,

and when I was working out this moment, I'll be honest, I wasn't uncontrollably shitting. uncontrollably shitting. But when life gives you uncontrollable magical diarrhea, make uncontrollable magical guano as is said.

Anyway, the point is, and then he does a thing that's magic and all of a sudden the room vanishes around you. Anyway, the point is, and then he does a thing that's magic. And all of a sudden the room vanishes around you. Milk Dimension! By way of the Milk Dimension, you are too briefly ripped from it and you find yourself in a room that only Bobby and Friso have seen before. Strahd's Laboratory, presumably the fourth floor of the Western Wing. Although now that you see it in the full light of the not quite full moon,

you realise, I'm sorry, that the room is wrong somehow. The geometry doesn't make sense. It seems larger on the inside. And in fact, details now swim into vision, for it has been elaborately set as if at a wedding feast. Strahd claps his hands, and instantly, jerkily, you find yourselves snapping to positions in the room. Bobby, a priest's vestments appear on you,

and you find yourself at an altar. Filch, you find yourself suddenly holding a platter with a goblet of what appears to be dark as midnight wine. Freezer, you find yourself in an insulting jester outfit. And basically juggling what seems to be hunks of rotting meat. And Strahd clicks his fingers. And again, suddenly, a army of puppets seem to spring up the court is at the spectral wedding and suddenly Bastogne

emerges dressed in the clothing that you recognize from the statue of Sergei von Zarovich all of you however can still move nothing but your lips and mouths. Got a little song for this one? Look, to be honest, my tiny friend, I'm not operating at 100%. When every little boy grows up imagining his dream wedding, shitting yourself out of your mind so you think you might shit your brain out of your bum because it's so bad, doesn't top the list. Okay, I think he's out of poop.

Can we agree he's out of poop? I don't know, mate. Well, look, as a vampire, you only consume blood, so what is he shitting, you know? Clots. Clots. Oh, God. Oh, God. Gross.

Alright, now I think you probably worked out most of it, but I'm going to just, now that I've got you here, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and he doesn't actually say, he's got a glass, but he doesn't, he just says, you know how some people do that? Ding, ding, ding, ding, what the fuck? Get a spoon.

Anyway, he goes, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Speech time, yeah. Look, here's the go, right? We're trying to cast a spell for a while. It's a difficult spell, but as you may have picked up in your interactions, I'm magic as fuck. The problem is, in order to cast this spell, bring forth the end of the world and whatnot, I need to kill something that I love. Big problem, what is it? I'll answer, I don't love shit. I loved something once, she was

Petrina, she was real nice, accidentally killed her, blah-de-blah-de-blah, you know the rest. the Kilder, blah-de-blah-de-blah, you know the rest. Anyway, one day I'm up in me castle and I see this girl and I go, that's Petrina, isn't it? Scoop her up, bring her here, then you fucking dickheads turn up, try and stop me. I start thinking, maybe they're right that it's not Petrina, maybe it's this Irina bird they're talking about. Now I'm someone who likes to cross the eyes and dot the T's in all his particular runes, so what I'm doing here... And as he does this, he moves towards a small chest on

the altar and pulls out a key you've seen before. What I'm doing here, and he opens the chest and opens it to the crypt where Irina is. He goes, look at that! And pulls her out and plonks her down next to Bastard. How does he do that?

He's got one of those grabby claws. With a little trigger. Yeah, sorry not to undercut the gravitas. And then he pulls her out. A gift from the deep gnomes, I suppose. Got her in a show bag. Yeah.

And he goes, I'd like to be sure, so we're going to do the wedding again. Because I have a feeling that if I believe it enough, this spell won't work. Good news, guys, is I'm fucking insane. And as he does that, suddenly you feel your limbs controlled as if by clockwork. Bobby, you, trying to fight it, find yourself picking up a tome of Pelor. Friso, you find yourself gibbering and cackling madly, so not much has changed. And Filch, you suddenly find yourself being slowly, inexorably drawn towards Irina, who is now hovering next to Sergei at the bridal altar.

Stop! The goblet of wine coming ever closer. I said stop, guys. You can't all still talk. I can't do this. I thought my mother and father would be here. You know, my family, the whole village. I don't look good in this. It's not my colour.

I demand you stop this ceremony at once. Phil would be happy to give Bastogne away. All right. Yeah, sure, yeah. Jesus. So anyway, let's get this rolling. Places, everybody. Ding, ding, ding. And he takes out from his belt a small vial

of what seems to be a green sickly liquid and he pours it into the goblet as Filge walks past him. Now, first time I did this, I was pretty sneaky. I was all like, whoop, but this time it's all for show, so glag, glag, glag, glag, glag. Anyway, Filch, you'll be very soon at the altar. Hey, Irina, can you hear me? She doesn't seem to be responding.

Her eyes are still closed. She seems still controlled by this spell. Me, don't think you look very thirsty. Plenty hydrated in coma. Don't do it. I can't do anything else, right? Hey, do... No, Strut.

If you kill her, how does the spell work? What have you been doing for the past like ten minutes? Playing Game Boy? I just laid it out for you, you stupid knob. I need to sacrifice a thing I love. I love her sacrifice. Hello, portal. Oh, it's an army. Great.

Kill the world. Maybe have a wank. What's the... What's... Freezo. No. Nowhere. Freezo points out that nowhere in that chain of events does he Friso nowhere Friso points out that nowhere in that chain of events does he clean himself up does Friso understand

what's going on does he does Hing understand what's going on no as in like because Friso Friso has knowledge of like history

and arcana does he know does he know the elements of a wedding that are required does he know like so so so I guess I'm thinking that Strahd... So Strahd, if you remember from the lamentable history of the House of Strahd,

Strahd killed his brother Sergei and his bride Petrina by poisoning a chalice that was for the toast at the wedding. Yeah, so he's saying now, if I marry her now... And then kill her. And then kill her, that'll be my love, right? But Friso's thinking, if he understands wedding, he can think of something to disrupt the wedding somehow. Okay, so he's then kill her. And then kill her. That'll be my love, right? But Friso's thinking, if he understands wedding, he can think of something to disrupt the wedding somehow. So he's not marrying her, it's just the wedding again?

Right. Sergei's wedding. Sergei and Petraeus. Right, okay, okay, okay. So he's sort of rehashing it. So, if if Friso were to kill Bastogne. I saw him fucking look at me with those dead eyes.

I suppose any way that you stop history from repeating itself will make the artifice weakened. Okay, so as Friso is locked in place and can't do anything, he utters verbal words to summon forth his... Yeah, you can all still cast spells. Fey Dragon.

Brings back the legally distinct from Mushu Fae Dragon Bushu. Hello. What do you want? And then Friso begins to

just whispering to Bushu, or telepathic or whatever, just says to, because he knows that Bushu hates him, right? Yes, I do. So he says to him, Bushu, I'm here, this is my themed wedding, I'm a jester. And Friso's just hoping that if he tells Bushu that he loves

Petrina, that Bushu will then disrupt what he thinks is Friso's wedding. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. Why are you dressed as the jester at your wedding? Because of my love of comedy. Friso famously loves comedy. Ask me who my favourite comedians are.

I don't want to know. I want you to tell me a joke. Because you love comedy so much. Ha ha, Mr Funny Man. I mean, I find you ridiculous. Like, you are funny, your life is funny, but are you funny? I doubt it.

Isn't... Isn't that the ultimate joke, though? Living your life as a psychopath, pushing everyone away, when really you just want a friend? Oh, you look... I mean, if you think that's going to endear me to you... Look, I don't think my comedy is commercially viable.

You know, I've been rejected from most major networks. I'm sorry. Bing, that's going to endear me to you, you are so wrong. Look, I don't think my comedy is commercially viable, you know. I've been rejected from most major networks. Hing, it's not about you. Stay in character, Hing. No, no, no. Why can't I be in the project? Sorry. Look, what do you want, okay? I was in the milk dimension, like, chilling.

No, no. dimension like chilling but now that that i just i i so i i friso tells bushu that that goblet is what seals the wedding and he says he says if i can drink from that goblet and soak in the bride then we will be wed all right bushu what do you do oh yeah look i go and i grab the goblet and i like Yeah, look, I go and I grab the goblet and I, like, I bring it over to Frieza and I throw it in his face. And I go, fuck you! And disappear. At this point I say, if anybody here has any reason why these two should not be wed. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone? Yeah, look.

I don't know what the fuck just happened, but now I've got to go get more poison. Okay, you... That was my best poison too. Now I've got to use the shit kind. You know what I'm actually going to do? I'm going to go to the pantry and scoop up the rat poison from the... Oh, this is

a nightmare. It is clear that Strahd is distracted, which means that you have a bit more time if either of you guys want to do anything. Because for a moment, the spell has been disrupted. I just want to check out all that stuff that I picked up before. So, like the dusty book, etc.

Okay, while he's not focused, yeah, you can look at it. I'm like rummaging through some cupboards. Can Baston try and break free from his... No, you guys can move quite small. You can't actually move away from where you are, but you have a measure of freedom. So, do I need to do a kind of check or something?

No, you recognise, as a powerful wizard, you recognise a book of magic when you see it. That's a book of magic, is it? Game changer. Can I flip that one open and have a little read-a-roo? You can. It's full of what looks like a number of powerful spells that I guess are now yours.

Excellent. All right, can I read them? It would take you a long time to memorise them. Can I just cast one or two? All right. There's a little bag with a stone in it. Can I read them? It would take you a long time to memorise them. Can I just cast one or two? Alright. There's a little bag with a stone in it. Do I know anything about that? No, you would actually need some.

It looks like it's religious. And there's a vial. Yes. Can I tell if it's poison or not? It's full of wee. It does say wee there, but I know that isn't canon because we didn't say canon after. It seems to be a magical liquid. You think it's probably for drinking.

Like wee. All right. Could be wee. Hold up. Should I cast a spell? Hold up. Did you just say? Yeah, I did.

Okay. What are you doing, Filch? Moment of truth. Potion. It's time. Drink the potion. I'm going to cast spell number two. Oh! I am gonna cast spell number two.

Oh! Spell number two. I pick up my wand and I hold it above my head and I say, Lightning bolt coming out of it! And then one does. And then I wave it around in a circle, and then I point it at the scrummaging stride's butt, and I say, number two!

Arcs of radiant energy fly out as the spell Protection from Evil is cast, and as this spell is necrotic and evil, it is instantly dispelled so all of you can move again. Strahd, however, does not notice his use. You're welcome.

We all pretend to stay in place. Well, Strahd does notice, no, actually, because you shouted a lot about it, but you all get an action again. So going in order. First of all, it's up to you, Friso. All right. You can do anything for this action.

Okay. Then I'm going to stave off Irina's death by jamming the ointment in her mouth. I'm sorry. I don't want to do this, but... What ointment? The healing ointment. The salve that Strahd didn't take, I'm going to put that

in her so she has like protection. Oh, it's like a backup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like if he tries to feed her the poison, it'll just get stuck in the ointment.

It won't really work. So anything could really... Like a cloth could do that. You're just going to cram her mouth full of hair gel, basically. Yeah, but healing hair gel, Dave.

Like magical gel. Alright, that's your action. Bobby. The best cure is a prevention. Exactly. Irina is now autistic. Sorry. What?

Oh, come on. Friso is a notified anti-vaxxer. We've established this before. We have. It's canon. Is his back still to us? No, he's spun around, but you still have time We have. It's canon. It's canon. Is his back still to us? No, he's spun around, but you still have time to act. He's surprised. Okay.

I'm dehydrated. Dehydrated. I still have Friso's sword in my hand. Just call it your sword. Have some self-respect. I like to rub it in his face that I have his sword. And I just thrust it. Okay, make an attack.

All right, okay. As you roll, just before you say anything, you attack him and there is a keening cry and the sword cracks along an invisible fault line and the blade snaps cleanly off. And at the same time, it seems that the vibrations cause the hilt to turn to dust in your hands.

The sword is destroyed. Oh. Well, that's a bummer. How'd that work out for you? To be honest? So it's just a blade and some dust. Yes. Well, who's got that hilt?

I think you've got the hilt. She does have the hilt. I've got the hilt? Did you write it down? Yeah, you've got the hilt. I've got the hilt. What are you guys doing? I'm still under your control. Bobby, that was your go.

Filj, you're next. I under your control. Bobby, that was your go. Phil, you're next. I grab that little bag with the stone and I hold it towards the moonlight and I am like, yes!

Moonlight will turn stone magical, bounce off and destroy Strahd! I believe in Paylor! Okay, this is such... There is only one Paylor! Can I say this is such a stupid point? I worship no other Paylor but him! That Strahd is convinced because he's like, why would you make that up?

Like, he's thinking, he's like, okay, there's like a triple bluff going on here because that is too dumb. And so he pauses for a moment. He's like, oh, and he's thinking about that. So he's distracted. Okay, so you've got disadvantage. Sure.

That's worth Filch throwing her go away. Baston. Can Baston pick up Irina and try and, like, escape her? Escape her? Like, uh... You're not even married yet! Yeah, she's fallen to the ground. So you grab Irina and you sling her over your shoulder.

Yeah, and try and leg it out of the door. All right, you're running. You coward. Well, oh, yeah, all right. No, I'll just, like, be tough. Just do everything with a woman on my shoulder now. Strahd is distracted. And so, Bobby, it's your go. No, Friso, sorry, all right. No, I'll just, like, be tough. Just do everything with a woman on my shoulder now. Strahd is distracted. And so, Bobby, it's your go.

No, Friso, sorry. Friso. All right, I look at Bobby and Friso says, I need my sword back now in that hilt. And I guess I ask Bobby for the sword in the hilt. I know you hate me. I know you hate me. I know you hate me. I hate me.

That's why I do the things I do. Finally, a little bit of honesty. All right. But we need to stop Strahd right now and you need to trust me. What happened to the relic of Pelor? That was dust ages ago. Ah, shit.

That would have been useful. I lock eyes with Freezo and I nod my head and hand him... I cast Witch... No, I don't. So I join the blade of my magical sword into the hilt that we had before from the crypt. All right, as you try to do this, two things... Oh, fuck! You immediately realise.

One is that the blade seems to be finely wrought Barovian steel and in anything looks as old and powerful as the hilt. Secondly, you are reminded of the words that the old gypsy told you weeks before that you had likely carried the one weapon that could hurt Strahd into the kingdom of Barovia with you and at that moment

there is a blinding light and the two come together for Sergei's namesword has been remade. Congratulations. Congratulations. You have had that fucking blade

for so long. I guess we should have given it to someone who's proficient with weapons. Or just to a Barovian who would have recognised it immediately. Anyway. Anyway. And away. That's your move action. You still have an attack action.

I thrust the sword into... No, you're looking at me wrong. Dave, you're looking at me wrong. Like I'm not making the right choice. But you know what? Friso's the fucking hero in his own story. I whisper, hold it toward the moonlight. What do you do? Moment of truth.

I fucking lob Strat's head off. Oh, you better roll well. That is a 12 in total. And your strength is minus one. Oh, it's a 13 minus one is 12. Yeah. All right. You swing it wildly and Miss Filge, it's your go.

I say give me the sword. I give Filge the sword. He gives it to me. I go into a frenzy with my new sword. Tell me why you're angry. I'm so mad at Strahd because he is just taking advantage of the people who love him. Roll two dice advantage. And plus two to your thing.

All right, you rolled a 14. 14. Plus four is 18, which means with the... Oh, plus one for the magic sword is 19, which means that you can go ahead and roll a D8. Plus D6 radiant damage. That roll a d8 plus d6 radiant damage. That's a d8. Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Seven damage. So that's seven damage plus the five is twelve. Insubstantial damage it would seem, however there is the sound of shattering glass and in that moment it feels as if the magic has been sucked out of the room and a wound opens in Strahd's chest

and for the first time in 300 years, he finds himself bleeding. Oh, no. Oh, good. Yeah, all right. Baston, it's your turn. Are there any wood things? Do I still have my bedpost?

There is a javelin on the ground. Is it made of wood? You have your bedpost, yes. Bedpost? All right, you throw... 18. You throw Irinapost, yes. Bedpost! All right, you throw... 18! You throw Irina to the ground. And you charge, which you rolled at 18, plus three is 21,

which means that the crunched bedpost embeds itself into the blackened heart of Strahd, who looks, if anything, confused and put out. And he goes... That's interesting. And he explodes into dust. Woo! Yeah!

You have bested the vampire Strahd. Instantly, the room reveals itself as nothing more than smoke, mirrors and illusions as a form of powerful magic forms behind him, a a vortex it seems, that for a second shows you a land beyond, filled with what seems like armies without number of undead waiting, mounted on skeletal horses to ride in, but the figure shifts, and for a second you think you see an ancient, strange, far off eastern land. It shifts again and you think you see high seas, sailors, pirates and fine adventure once again and you see skyscrapers, powerful machines that walk and metal birds that fly the air and as these images flicker and change again and again you find yourselves sucked into the room with Irina, with Baston to a land you know not where it is.

A land that does not yet know the woe that will befall it when it meets those four hideous adventures that time and fables would call the Dragon Friends. Thank you! That is the end of Castle Ravenloft. Can I have a big hand of applause for Friso, Filch, Strahd, Bastogne, Bobby Pancakes, Benny Davis, and of course your DM, Dave Harmon!

Dr. Dave! Dragon Friends is DM'd by David Harmon with music performed live by me, Benny Davis, and features the voices of Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, Ben Jenkins, and Eden Lacey. Shakira Khan designs our website, and the podcast is edited by me and sponsored by PAX Australia, the country's biggest video games and pop culture expo, which happened at least a month ago. So if you missed it, that's on you.

We will be back with the third season of Dragon Friends next year. New campaign in an exciting new setting. So we'll see you again after the summer break or the long, arduous winter for our northern listeners. Stay warm. break or the long adieu winter for our northern listeners stay warm