Dragon Friends - #3.01. When Do We Get The Fancy Clothes

Episode Date: February 22, 2017

IT'S SEASON THREE! A brand new start for the Dragon Friends in an EXCITING NEW SETTING. Did our heroes escape the Vampire Strahd? (yes). Are they lost in time and space? (yes) Will Freezo carry any of the lessons he learned last season with him? (doubtful). Also, an exciting costume change! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there podcast listeners, welcome to the brand new season of Dragon Friends. If you're joining us for the first time this episode, we're starting a new adventure, so feel free to dive in here. You'll get the hang of it very soon, I'm sure. And if you're up to date with the past two seasons, your favorite band of idiots are being taken from their familiar surroundings in ancient Barovia to a strange new world. Let's see how they fare. The very stones of Castle Ravenloft shake and groan around you, even as the vampire Strahd von Zarovich shrieks his final curse.

As he collapses into dust and shadows, you feel a surge of hope. A curse has been lifted and an ancient wrong righted, but it doesn't take long for that hope to turn sour. The portal he has opened has grown unstable with his death. Even as you watch it grows twofold, threefold, sixfold in size until it threatens to overwhelm the room. Small objects are caught in its fell gravities and fly through to God's know where.

Soon you feel it tugging even on you. The portal becomes impossible. You all right? I didn't say anything. The portal becomes impossible to resist as you find yourself dragged one by one into its maw. Tiny Bobby Pancakes, the halfling rogue, is the first to be overcome, flying into the swirling vortex and disappearing. Friso, the warlock, and Baston, the handsome man, follow soon after.

Baston, still too proud even to scream. still too proud even to scream. Mmm. Even as the three of you disappear, you see Filge, the half-orc barbarian, roaring in frustration as the balustrade she holds onto begins to crack and splinter. She calls out to you, but you hear

nothing but a rush in your ears as the vortex engulfs and sends you spinning powerless into the void and silence. For a second you could swear you could feel the taste of gingerbread on your lips and a lesson perhaps in your heart that you might want to carry through this season. All right. But then it is gone.

Bobby, you awake in a small, strange room. It seems impossible, the product of some kind of magic. It's too symmetrical, too clean, too shiny. A small series of runes jut out of the wall above you, one of them blinking with an unnatural, even light. Baston and Friso lie passed out on the floor beside you. Poor Filge is nowhere to be seen. The last time you remember seeing her,

she was careening through the portal just ahead of you, but now she is gone. You have a splitting headache. The door is closed, the way is locked, and it is time to find out where you have arrived. I slap Friso awake. Okay. Am I there? Yeah, you're lying in rags on the floor. I slap Friso awake. Okay.

Am I there? Yeah, you're lying in rags on the floor. Do I wake up? Is this magical sleep or real sleep? I reckon do a strength check. Yeah. Yeah, go for it. You're tiny.

What did you roll? Just beat 12. I did not. So do I just have a dream where I'm getting slapped? Yeah, do you like it? Do I or does Friso? Friso mutters and rolls over, but Baston, hearing the slaps, awakens. Ah! Good morning.

Baston and Bobby, you both notice that you are, both of you, in smouldering rags. Your equipment seems to have been scattered to the heavens. So we literally, we have nothing on us except rags. The rags of the fine Barovian clothes that you were once wearing, yes. So our inventories are gone? For now. Okay.

Inventories, brother. What? Inventories. What did I say? Inventories. What did I say? Inventories. What's the difference? Oh, is this season, is it going to be Hing that can't say words? That would be so good for me.

Well, I searched the room for my inventories. Can I do an investigation? Can I do an investigation check? No, yes. Sorry, no, no. Friso is the one doing it. Friso's asleep! Yes, he's asleep.

I got an 18 plus 3. 21. You got an 18 plus 3 on an investigation check? Yeah. Okay, so you do see a portal that looks like it might be the way out. The walls are very cold to the touch. There is almost nothing, just bunks along the side of the room. And there is a strange sigil that looks like a spire

coming out of a starburst etched on the wall. Yum, what flavour? Etched on the wall and, as I said, this panel that has three stubs with three blinking lights above it. So, stubs? Yeah, like little bolts. Like buttons? Well, you wouldn't know what they are.

All right. When you say portals, do you mean like in a ship, like a circular window? Or like a gaping vortex into another dimension? No, no, no, no. This isn't, though. This looks like two big pieces of metal that come apart. I try and pry it open. With your hands?

Yes. You going to show me that strength check? Nope. All right. Baston is going to fly kick it. As is his want. Here we go. Okay, you rolled...

Actually, let's show everyone. But we have 15. Take that, door. You rolled a 12, so... Yeah, okay, you don't hurt your foot. Congratulations. Yes. The door...

The way is shut. So, the lights. Yeah, so each of the lights underneath it has what seems to be a small rod protruding from it. These surely are tiny lanterns. I say, having not seen lights before? You live in a world of magic, you've seen lights. Can I kick?

So like the three little stubs, can I kick one like how you kick the button at a traffic light? You know that's really bad because you're putting your dirty shoe where other people put their feet. Well, at least I'm not touching your dirty hands. You're not a good citizen. Yeah, well, maybe I'm not. You're going to kick the first... I feel like, Eden, that your gameplay so far is leaning on a very heavy kick-based strategy. It's like Taekwondo.

Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I'm just going to keep doing it until it stops working. So you're going to kick one of the buttons? Yep. Which one? Whichever one I hit. The middle one, the middle one.

Okay, you're going to hit the middle one. Wait, can I try and do a side foot so I get all three? How far apart are they? What size shooters best don't have? Twelve. Whoa! You know what they say.

You want to hit all the buttons at once? Yeah, it seems... I forgot what playing with you is like, okay? It seems like the most efficient action I can take. Okay, make a dexterity check. All right. Thirteen plus fifteen. Okay, 15.

You successfully hit all three buttons at once, which makes all of the lights flash angrily red as if some kind of emergency protocol has been activated and suddenly you can hear footsteps coming into the room. Hark, Mr Pancakes. Look at the lights. Okay, he never talks like that. Doesn't he? You have just a few seconds if you want to prepare anything before

someone's going to be at the door. But we have no weapons or anything. I just curl up my fists into Sockham Rockets. That's what I call them. Sockham Rockets. You had the pouch of your lockpicking tools which you would still probably have because you carry carry that underneath your clothes and i would say you would have that but i don't think you have anything else okay but i don't see a lock anywhere

no so really i'm just taunting this is a real 10 000 spoons situation all, there is a buzz, a hiss and the door opens and in walks a goblin with a little squat hat and wearing what seems to be a grey matching sort of one piece suit with the same starburst and spire sigil on the front of it. He looks

kind of irritated. Hello mister. Oh hi. So, yeah, right. What you've done there is you've hit the emergency protocol, which we have there because we're good citizens.

And it doesn't seem to be an emergency. So, this is a bit of a situation that I'd say you being a bit of a dickhead. Oh, our emergency is that our friend is really sick. As you'll see, he won't respond to any kicking or hitting. Yeah, no, he's been put in a deliberate state of a neuro-rest. Made that up.

I've been taking night school. I've got one of those word of the day calendars and I can't read. Oh yeah, night school. When do they give you your lance? Right, so I'm going to go because I've got a lot of other people to see to. But hot tip, if you don't want to be beaten to a pulp,

don't bring me out when there's an emergency. Okay, just quick, quick, quick question. Sure, fire away. Where am I? You're fucked is where you are. I didn't say what am I. All right, sorry, yes, no, you're correct. You're in the shit, buddy.

Now, I was doing a poo and I'm gonna go finish that and then he walks out and the doors go and you hear him be like I don't like this job very much at all I just thought Julia was right I've got to quit I've got to quit my heart's not in it and And he disappears down the corridor. The lights resume their standard blinking pattern. And let's say because... Can I wake Friso up? Yeah, I'd say...

I'm good at slapping. This time, enough time has passed. Friso, you awake as well. What did Eden roll, though? He rolled a seven. Seven plus three is ten. So when you wake up naturally, he's like, eh. Like, just kind of caressing your face.

Dave, did I hear that there were runes on the wall somewhere? Yes, you did. Well, I can cast... Oh, no, I would recognise them, right? Frieza would recognise them as being magical of some sort? You actually recognise them as non-magical. A non-magical rune. That's correct. I don't think I understand.

It's a symbol you haven't seen before. But I know it's not magical. Yes. And I can't read it. Well, we didn't say that. Can I read it? Oh no, he did say that. I would just like some more clarity of communication.

There are three things on the wall. They're symbols, we can describe them to you. That said, you do, and because we haven't done any magic yet, you do have the spell Comprehend Languages, don't you? I do. So you could cast that if you want, but you don't recognise it latently. Ooh, alright. I think we try and blast down this door.

Yep, let's do it Sorry, what was your suggestion, Dave? No, never mind Alright, I have a cantrip Right I'm going to cast You're going to blast down this door with a cantrip I'm going to cast Eldritch Blast You put so much stock in that spell.

I'm gonna use Eldritch Spear, which has a 300 foot range, but I'm gonna do it from point blank. Oh, it's like a one inch punch. Yeah, like a one inch punch, but a 300 foot range, but just right up close to the door. All right, all right, all right. Roll your dice.

It's standing still, so very easy to do. Don't I just, every cantrip is a success? That's how I've been playing this. That's a bloody millennial approach to tell you that much for free. Oh, every cantrip gets a bloody trophy. That's what you're useless in the workforce. I rolled a 16 plus. I think I used my charisma, which is 4, so I got a 20. Yeah, so that's fine. Alright. You manage to spear improbably.

The spell pierces through the membrane of some steel and seems to affect some circuitry because the three lights begin to flash red and you hear footsteps approaching. How big is the hole I've made in the door? Microscopic. Interesting. Do you have some sort of shrinking spell that we can... Honey, I shrunk the kids ourselves and just... Again, you have very little time. Interesting. Do you have some sort of shrinking spell that we can... Honey, I shrug the kids ourselves and just...

Again, you have very little time. Okay. I stand behind Friso. Are you hiding behind Friso? Yeah. I'm also... I'm hiding behind Bobby. All right.

Wait, so the halfling is hiding behind the elf and then the human is hiding behind the halfling. Yeah. Roll a stealth check. Roll a stealth check. Four. Yeah. Roll the stealth check. Roll the stealth check. Four. Three. Okay.

As the... As the... While you're discussing things, I'm just going to say what my action is. As the footsteps approach closer and closer and louder and louder,

I yell out very loudly, Ah! Someone has cast Eldritch Spear from the other side of this door! The door slides open and instantly you see that it is three figures this time. The goblin from before, but also a hulking troll in an impeccable suit and a man, a very old looking man in a very threadbare trench coat.

So, we've never seen clothes like these before, right? This looks not dissimilar to... You can be like, that's clothes. So I'm not like, what is this extra flappy skin? Oh, my God, a thing's eating him! No, it's a coat. It's fine. OK, all right, OK. Yeah, it's not...

It seems like outlandish tailoring, but you can imagine how it was made. You know how, like, Simon Griner, when you watch a movie and it's sometimes in a set in a different era but you recognize they're just clothes no Simon freaks out why is that man being swallowed by that hay monster yeah okay so so they come in and then do they do they say anything or just wait for us to speak the the guard the the goblin guard from before goes like you know I was I was actually going to come in here. Funny story. I was actually going to come in here.

I was sort of hoping you'd do something stupid because I love brutality and I was going to beat the shit out of you and all three of you now that you're awake. Hello. But I thought the better thing to do and this is just a bit of a fate situation, but

Mr. Sauer's here and he's going to take care of it. Bye-bye! He does this weird thing like, bye-bye! But does he not move as he's saying that? He doesn't. He thinks... I think he's done it before when there's been a sliding door and it's been okay, but there hasn't this time.

So he's like, bye-bye! He fades and he's still just standing there. He's still standing there. There's a moment and then he goes, righto, and goes. So it's not a good exit for him. So when he points to Sowers, that's the troll? It's Mr Sower. You don't know who that is.

No, he just said Mr Sower's here. Yeah, but he's like a jerk over his thumb. Just like you. I'm an insult comic now. Oh, do me. You're too nice. As the goblin disappears, the man in the threadbare trench coat

takes out a small wrinkled paper bag and pulls something out of it and puts it in his mouth while the two of them stare at you without saying anything. Say, mister, can I have a candy? You want candy? I would also like a candy. Yes. You both want candy.

That's two out of three who want candy. You, sir, you want candy? No, thank you. I do not eat. Mr. Lambert. What? I do not eat. Would you like ever?

Like, not at all? I, I, I, no. Sorry, sidebar. Is that, do you think that's an elf thing? Yeah, it's like an elf thing. It's like, it's like elves, they don't eat, they can fly. They have all the hit points they want. We've been playing this for two years, Hank.

I'm pretty sure elves don't eat. Have you ever seen an elf eat? I've never seen an elf. That doesn't make any difference. Ah, checkmate. What have you been doing with all those baked goods? What? What about all those baked goods?

I've been throwing them in a river. Alright, that's two out of three. Mr Lambert. And he hands the hulking, impeccably dressed troll the wee little paper bag and he draws two what are clearly boiled sweets and hands them to Bobby and Bastogne. Aww.

Yes, will you head your change, Mr. I do not eat? Maybe, maybe, and he's really excited about this and he says to Mr. Leather, maybe now, maybe he will make maybe the thing that he will maybe the thing that he will eat now is his words there is mr. Lambert from behind a pair of what looks even to outsiders as yourselves to be very expensive sunglasses and a very impeccable suit doesn't move a muscle for about three seconds and then just the corner of his mouth twitches. Good one, sir.

Hilarious. Yes, it was. Look, I do not know how much you know about where you are or who I am, but I believe our gobliny friend before put it poetically, you are in the shit. You have been found in alleyway, unconscious. That's not how I say it. Sorry. What is happening to this accent? I have sweet in my mouth.

With no identity chip. And so you get put here. For how long? Who knows? I do. Ages. But look, then maybe Mr. Sour comes along, as he does from time to time in this facility

when he needs, for want of a better word, muscle. For want of a better word, job. Do you want a muscle job? It's like a hand job. Like, you're my hands. Hey, hey. We had a chat about this backstage. We literally had a chat about how this season was going to be different.

You were there. It's like five minutes into the adventure. I just mean, like, I need some work hands and it's a job. It's not my first language. So the hand job. Here's how it works. Is there payment for this? Would it be like a cash in hand job? Here is how it works when you go with Mr. Saur. I take you out of holding facility. I pay corporation off. Your debt is to me now. You work debt off by doing simple job. This one is like, how you say, like violence.

You do this for me and then we are square. This muscle job, is it a three man muscle job or can I do it solo? This is a package deal. I need all three. You look, how do you say, scrappy. This one, he looks like a scrappy little fighter. This one, very handsome man. You, I feel like you're a very dangerous person. Look, we usually work as a foursome.

So Frizo asks, when you found us in the alleyway, was there a giant, hulking, dumb orc lady? Half-orc? I find nobody in no alleyway. I have deal with corporation where I come to prison from time to time to handpick people for work. But you say, dumb half-orc? It is, what's the phrase?

The tinkling alarms. What? dumb half-orc. It is, uh, what's the phrase? Like, uh, tinkling alarms. What? It's ringing bells. I could not think fast enough. There's no way that I would get that wrong. It's very strange.

But yes, no, I find this, uh, yeah, it rings a bell, like big lady. She has a little Yeah, that rings a bell. Like, big lady. She has a little pet, like a rodent. Yeah, it's dead. And no one's happy about it, but... I see her. She took a job for me, like, six months back.

What? We've been here for six months? I don't know how long you've been here for, but this was six months ago. Well, where is she now? Eh, I don't know. I am not the inquisitive type. She does job, I say thank you very much.

She say, thank you, you pet my rat? I say, no, we part on pretty good terms. Where is she now? I literally just answered that question. When did she last do a job for you? Again, like... Look, I would like to elect myself speaker of this dumb idiot trio. What's the goal of this muscle job?

Look, there is, um... Why don't we talk when you agree? Look, this... That's not how contracts work. Why would we agree to it if we don't know what it is? I am holding all the chips. You can either rot in prison or you can come to me. Okay, family discussion. I could kill him right now. Hud can either rot in prison or you can come to me. Okay, family discussion.

I could kill him right now. Huddle, huddle, huddle, huddle. I like their clothes. If you kill him, he's our only lead to Filge at the moment. So let's just take it. Anything is better than that guy who keeps on coming in from going to the toilet. We accept this muscle job.

Mr. Sour snaps his fingers and the small goblin comes back, this time with what seems to be a kind of subdermal... No, you don't know that. What seems to be a magical item. And he imprints it, he takes each of your wrists in turn and holds it over it and it vibrates and you feel a stinging sensation. and holds it over it, and it vibrates, and you feel a stinging sensation,

and then he ostentatiously, unnecessarily bows and steps back, and the three of you can walk out of the room. As you do, Mr. Sour beckons, and he and his troll associate begin to walk forward ahead of you, allowing you to follow. With nowhere else to go, you do just this, I presume? Yep. Yeah, yeah, we follow. For now.

As you walk down what seems to be a sloping spiral corridor, you suddenly hear three chimes and a hum. And at that moment, with a hydraulic whoosh, the western outside wall of the corridor seems to realign itself and in an instant, reveal itself

transparent. And what you see beyond defies all logic. A world where giant ziggurats and towers flutter the horizon, each the center of what seems to be an angry swarm of strange metal carriages that fly through the air. Down below a thousand multicolored lights flicker and shift in colors and patterns too uniform to be campfires while a titanic woman in an exotic robe materializes thousands of feet high, indicates how much she likes the can of drink she's drinking, and then disappears into points of light. Ah!

Cool. Yes, welcome to Chiba. How do you say that again? Chiba. How do you spell that? What? This was like a moment. I was like, welcome to Chiba.

And you're like, how do you spell that? What is this? I don't have your accent. I don't want to be Chiba. It could be offensive. That's like you're doing me now? Yes, I'm doing you now. No, no, it's more like Chiba.

Chiba. How far from Barovia are we? Well, I do not, I've not heard of Barovia. How close is it to Japan? Because that's where you are. You're in Chiba, Japan. You want to know how to say that? Like, you want to ruin another thing for me?

Like, is that, is that your thing now? Point of order, Dungeon Dave. Japan is in the real world that Michael Hing lives in. Yes. Oh, God. Yes, that is correct. So, is there a chance that Friso is going to meet me? We can't rule it out.

We cannot rule it out. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Freezo. That'll be like turning on the Large Hadron Collider. 20 minutes later and you find yourself in a small ramen bar where a kind of mechanically augmented dwarf is wiping a filthy bar where little balls of soba noodles are laid out at random intervals and... Surely ramen noodles.

No, funnily enough, not. He's out of ramen. Like a soba? They're making a soba noodle? Yeah, they're making... Like a cold buckwheat noodle Since when did you all Become experts

On Japanese noodles I know my fucking noodles bro You gotta know your noodles Mr Soak orders Four bowls of soba ramen Which is a delicacy now And the dwarf Bustles away

Yeah I gotcha Soba ramen right here That's what he says In that voice Yeah in that voice and the dwarf bustles away. Yeah, I gotcha. He's all but ramen right here. That's what he says. In that voice? Yeah, in that voice. His name is Grim Laserback. Somebody mark the time.

It is 8.12 of the first Dragon Friends episode, and Ben Jenkins has run out of accents again. He plays the theremin in a prog rock band. Thank you very much. As you sit down, Mr Soak rummages in a filthy pocket and while boiled sweets scatter on the ground, he pulls out four plastic sheaths, each of which have what seems to be a small microchip in them.

And he places the plastic against you and you feel, against the back of your necks, and you feel another stinging sensation. Ow? Yes. Ow. What is that? It's like formality. It's fine. It's like saying hello and you say hello

and then we put the chip in your head. Look, um... Wait, Baston grabs him by the collar and says, when do we get the fancy clothes? This was, like, not the thing we talked about. If we're representing your organization, surely you'd like us to look the part. Look, I have Taylor.

I have good Taylor. His name is Grigor. His name's what? Grigor. Gringo? His name is Grigor. What are you saying? What are you saying?

He's married to my niece. Gris-gore, like Greg, but like ore. Ben, Ben, Ben, I'm looking at the plot hooks here you've got to get through, and none of this is in it. It's like, how you say, it's like color and shade. It's, uh, look, you can have fancy clothes. An hour later, and you find yourself in a tailor's office and he's measuring Friso. Ah, Mr Gringo. You should know that I dress to the left.

And then Mr Sour says something to his... What's a cousin's husband? Grigor. Cousin-in-law? Also a cousin. Sure. And says... He's saying...

Talking about his penis. That's what he's doing. While you are measured for your fancy clothes... And these are like fancy security clothes, like Mr. Lambert's wearing. So Mr. Sauer explains, he's like, you are not on level of Mr. Lambert. He's

very strong and capable. I'm very strong and capable. You are like an afternoon job. Some people, they pull out at the last minute for this security job, like they die. And so I need you to do it. It's like a babysitting job, you know?

Like bodyguard. You see that movie, that ancient movie, like, and I will love you, that one? It's dead. No, I've never heard of it, but I do love sing-alongs. Soak indicates to a screen, and it never heard of it, but I do love sing-alongs. Soak indicates to a screen and it flickers into life and you can see what seems to be a giant... Another one of these ziggurats where a stadium seems to be full of colourful people,

young people and a stage, which you do recognise, is being set. And superimposed over the image is a beautiful face and a name appears under that face which you can read for some reason there. The common language is the same let's say and that name is Johnny PlayStation. What? Dave are we sponsored by PlayStation now? No. The name is... I got this. Don't worry, Ben. It's going to be great for the podcast.

Ben, you vamp. I got this. Dave, so we can see into a stadium? Yeah, it's on TV. Which is to say that a portal opens up in the wall and suddenly you see a face. Wow. There he is. This is the idiot that you have to protect today. He's doing one of his shows.

He's big with the teens. The teens go bananas for Johnny PlayStation. Say bananas again. Bananas. Right. And you want us to protect him from what? Look, it's hard in the entertainment industry. He

breaks contracts with one corporation, goes to another. He's feeling skittish. Thinks that somebody might try to harm him between start of gig, end of gig. And you want us to harm him? No, this is absolutely the opposite of what I want you to do.

What's a corporation? Is it like a person? How long do you have? Well, under some laws! It's like big group of rich people come to... This is where you realise I actually don't know how to describe what a company is. Is it a guild? It's like a guild. It's like a big guild. It's like big guild.

Thanks. Oh, man, you guys are old-fashioned. It's like a big guild with lots of money and muscle. And where is this stadium from here? It's like the... Just out this window. That's a television. What's a television?

Yeah, Friso, what's a television? For some reason, Friso knows what a television is. I wonder, can Friso's arcana checks work on technology? I was going to say, let's just roll with that, that Friso does know what a television is. We'll work out what that means later. What's really happening is that before I was able to distinguish between me and Friso because we were in separate universes, and now...

The streams are crossing! I am... This is fucked. Later that evening, in a small coffeehouse, Mr Lambert is giving you your final instructions and Soak is preparing to leave. Can I just say that you all look so good? And you do. For now the three of you are dressed in security suits,

black shirts, black ties with silver tie pins and even Bobby has a little pair of sunglasses. Do I have a cool earpiece? Yes, but it's not plugged into anything. Can I get a little flare item just to differentiate myself? Yes, but it's not plugged into anything. Can I get a little flare item just to differentiate myself? Yes, take my pocket square. Can you get your pocket square?

What do I get? You get, well, you get the biggest gift of all, and he gives you a little kiss on the forehead. Ooh, ooh, ooh. A blush of deep crimson. While we're asking for things, can I have a gun? I think, can I have a... Oh, yeah, do we get? So hang on, so you guys got one thing each and you got a pocket square and a kiss and yeah sure he gives you his gun. I mean that begs the question. It's a

Colt.45 and he gives you 18 bullets. Yeah. It's good thing that you know the custom that I have to honour one wish from each of you. So, congratulations. And with that... I didn't get to choose mine. And with that, Mr. Soak leaves and you take a second to review.

Mr. Soak? Who's Mr. Soak? Mr. Sour. Mr. Sour. Four. And you do take a second to review. Mr. Soak? Who's Mr. Soak? Mr. Sour. Right. For, for, and you do take a second to review, for you would be forgiven from being confused what with the many trips to tailors and coffee houses

of what your job was. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Was it a magic kiss? Did it like enchant me in some way? He sticks his head back through the door. Just kiss. And then... Mr. Sour has put you on a mission Did it, like, enchant me in some way? He sticks his head back through the door. Just kiss. Mr Sour has put you on a mission,

and you know that in a moment's time, a black car, some kind of horseless carriage, you're getting the hang of the world, let's say, will arrive to take you. It's much less traumatic if you just think of everything as being magical. It will arrive and take you to the concert where Johnny PlayStation is performing his world tour. Johnny PlayStation, the greatest and most powerful sim star of the holocircuit, is performing one night only in Chiba, Japan.

And having sensationally broken his contract, there are fears that reprisals from his once parent corporation will claim his life. What's that corporation called? That corporation that used to control him was called Horizon. The new corporation that controls him is Horizon, and his old benefactors were a corporation known as Vos Saito Group, or VSG. Is that like the water company? Actually, what happened is the water company was conglomerated with the powerful Japanese Zaibatsu

in about 2023, and then it became an international syndicate off the back of their water sales, and now they own most of the world. So what year is it? Slow down. What the hell is a Zaibatsu? It's like a guild. All right.

Okay. All right. Thank you, Dave. Has the car arrived yet? The car is waiting outside, and a driver steps out and indicates for you to finish your espressos and get in. I get in the car in the driver's seat,

and I say, we're not taking any risks. I haven't got a gun. I don't trust anybody. Johnny, PlayStation's going to be safe, or Friso's name isn't Freezo. Who am I? You're Michael Hing

and your friends are worried about you. Freezo doesn't get any more coffee. Bastard finishes. The driver looks like he really doesn't care and the rest of you get in? Yeah. So hang on, if he's sitting in the driver's seat is he sitting on the driver's lap?

No, because the driver got out to gesture to us to say, do I snuck? I Grand Theft Auto'd this. So you have a car now and you're on the loose in Chiba. Do you know how to drive a car? What's your car proficiency? I don't know, 25? Fuck it. No, I think

Friso is like really determined to get to this job because it's like, he's like, he's got a gun. He like feels like he's going up in the world. You can't drive a car with charisma. What? You can't drive a car with charisma. I think you all three of you sit awkwardly in the car while Friso's adrenaline boils over and then you look out the window and you can just see the chauffeur confused, pull

out some car keys from his pocket and jingle them. Is there a how fancy is this car? Is there a minibar? Yes, there is a minibar. Alright, I've fixed myself a beverage. I scooch over to the passenger seat, but I'm riding shotgun in this with my gun.

Alright. He beeps it and the door unlocks and the driver awkwardly sits next to you. What else is in the car? Is it, say, what's in the minibar, for instance? There is some white spirits. There's some brown spirits. Like big bottles, little bottles?

Well, for you, medium-sized bottles and enormous bottles. But, like, what shelf are we talking? Top shelf. Top shelf. Oh, right. It's mostly Russian stuff. Oh, Russian stuff. I was hoping to have a Suntory time, but that's all right.

Oh, no, there's Japanese stuff too, so you can get some Suntory. You don't know what any of this is! That's why we try a little bit of all of them. So you try a little bit of every spirit. Yeah. Okay, can we make them drunk in terms of statistics? Yes, absolutely. All right.

All right. There's no spirits in the front, so while you guys try a little bit of every bottle in the minibar... Where's Mr Sour? Mr Sour's already left. Friso, you are left in the front to make awkward chit-chat with the driver. I got a gun.

I don't know what it does exactly, but I feel powerful when I hold it, and it makes up for all of my inadequacies. All right. Okay, buddy. All right. You look... They told me it was a Colt 4.5 with 18 bullets.

Oh, boy, that's some gun. I had a gun like that back in 52. First gun, real beginner gun, but you know, it doesn't kick too hard. It's good for beginners. I press the button and the thing comes down between the driver and I'm like... We're out of olives? Hello, driver. More of this drinks.

Mercy. They had alcohol in like Barovia. This is not... But this is like Russian stuff. All right. So we arrive at the place or what's going on? Yeah, eventually about 45 minutes later, the car pulls up at the artist's entrance of a massive domed stadium.

There are huge spotlights shining in the sky, and this entire area is locked down by security guards dressed much as you. It seems that security is very tight here. The driver is waved into a bay, and the door opens, and he tells you regretfully that he can go no further. But will he be here when we come back? He drives away. Do we have, like, lanyards or ID that can get us through these guards?

Yeah, you have access all area lanyards. So I walk through the guards and I say, Sorry, guys, very important. We're here to guard Mr. PlayStation. I have a gun. I just imagine Friso is, like, got it in his hand and he's waving it around like this. Yeah.

Got it in his hand and he's waving it around like this. Yeah. What a difference a couple of hours make. For now, you've made your way into the concert and a world that was strange is still strange, but with a gun in your hand... And a couple of drinks under your belt. On anything seems possible. Emboldened to make the best out of a bad situation,

you make your way through security and to the backstage area. Sauer told you to make contact with his agent here in the stadium, a woman known only as Gleam. But it does not take you long in this strange world to find yourselves hopelessly lost backstage. Even as you try to find your contact, you become slowly aware that it has been minutes since you saw a security guard and in fact are now hopelessly alone amid towering

hard cases of equipment in shadowy rooms. As you have this thought, you suddenly realize that alone you are not, for there are two figures in the distance, and though this world is not your own, it does not take a familiar person. I see what you mean. Though you are not alone, it does not take a native of these lands to realise someone who should not be

there when you see one. Oi, give us a leg up. I'm trying to get on the box to see if it... Nah, you give me a leg up. I'm trying to get on the box to see if it... Nah, you give me a leg up. No, I asked first. Yeah, but it's not how that works, is it? It's definitely how it works.

No, who's better for the leg up? Is it you or me? What? I've got no fingers. What? Yeah, well, you should bloody get them replaced. Bio implants aren't that expensive. Yeah, I'm not made of credits, mate. Well, look. Bastogne, Bobby, Friso, you are about 40 feet away from them

and they haven't seen you yet. I, like, Friso. Friso runs towards them. Friso dashes towards these people because he sees them trying to breach the perimeter. Okay. And he yells, stop right there, I am a security guard and probably their manager, pointing to the people behind him, which is Bobby and Bastogne.

Okay, so he just, all right, so you're not in stealth anymore. All right, great. You run. Okay, fine. You run forward and they spin around. And I say, you cannot go in there because I am security. Look over there. I pull security. Look over there. I pull out my gun.

Oh. All right. The thug with no hands, like no fingers, he's got like a sort of cylinder strapped to his palm and he goes like this and out flips a kind of extendable baton. On the end of it. Sizzles with electricity. And the other one pulls out what are basically just nunchucks.

Two of them. But with microchips on them. Yeah. All right. And Eden, I think he's doing tricks. They've got little bezels on the end, so when he spins them, they go... I do a cunning action and I dash through past him and then spin around and leap. Hey, do we need to do initiative?

I was about to say, that will be enough to break us into initiative order. Now, I've pre-prepared initiative, which means, Bobby, you do go first. So, what do you need to initiate? No, no, I was about to say. That will be enough to break us into initiative order. Now, I've pre-prepared initiative, which means, Bobby, you do go first. So, who do you want? What do you want to do? Yeah, so I want to dash past him and then clamber up, like jump up onto his back. All right, yep. So, you can do that with your rogue. Is this nunchucks or taser?

Taser. All right, excellent. You can do this with your extra action, but you are going to have to make your athletics check. Acrobatics, sorry. Acrobatic. That's a 15. 15. That will just do it.

Okay, so you get past him, and now you want to grapple with him, did you say? So I clamber up his back and grab him by the corner of the mouth around the side of his head. Like, yeah. All right, sure. by the corner of the mouth around the side of his head like like yeah alright sure make I don't have any weapons make that doesn't stop

a lot of people make a dexterity attack oh I get to roll again because I got a one and I'm naturally and you're halfling so you're gonna be 16 okay I got 15 plus

four that will do it alright so you grab him and you're grappling with him so you're going to be 16. Okay, I got 15 plus... Four, that will do it. So you grab him and you're grappling with him and his tongue is flying everywhere and he's trying to scoop you off his back. Oi, fair play, mate! Stupid! To be fair, you should be talking with both fingers. Oh!

Oh, fair, fair, right! And he's trying to hit you with his taser. Do I, can I try and... When it's your turn, mate. Bastogne, you're next. I think it's about time for a fly kick. Well, he's some distance away. It makes sense.

He can take a running start. Yeah, okay. And try and fly kick the guy with a nunchuck. Bobby didn't have this penalty because, frankly, it's the first one back and I forgot. But you're drunk, so... Oh, yeah. This is going to be a disadvantage, so two dice in the lowest.

Oh, that's not fair at all. Okay, here we go. 15 or an 8. An 8 plus your strength is 11. I've got acrobatics. Oh, you have an acrobatics? Yeah, I'll let you do martial arts. Wah!

Yep. Oh, you have an acrobatics? Yeah, I'll let you do martial arts. Wah! Yep. Oh, sorry. Alright, I'm not sorry. I was perfectly within my rights to make a wah sound. I would say that the look was more racist than the sound. Regardless, you miss and smash into a hard case. Oh, no. Hurting your leg.

Next up is Jackie Boy, who is the thug that has two nunchucks. Oh, Jackie Boy. So what type of voice does he have, Eden? Jackie Boy. He's already talked. He kind of talks like this. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to use my nunchucks To try and hit the halfling

Off his back This will surely go well Yeah Oi Jackie boy Look I appreciate what you're doing But don't miss Duck Duck

I've got him The little bugger Yeah I know But don't miss Like don't Don't Alright that's a 17 Smack

Do I get to like Do a dexterity No It's your armour class What's your armour class 15 Alright so you get whacked And you go You are forced to disengage Smack! Do I get to do a dexterity? No, it's your armour class. All you hear, Bobby Pancakes, is... What's your armour class? 15. Alright, so you get whacked and you go... You are forced to disengage and you fly back.

But before you hear whack, before you get whacked, you hear... Woo! It makes a very annoying sound and it also does seven hit points of damage. Next up is... Freezo. I shoot them both with my gun. I have a gun. It's a Colt.45 with 18 bullets.

And I shoot both of them and I kill them both. I have a gun. Roll the dice. Okay, that's a 14 plus your dexterity. That's 17. That's... Alright. That's... What right. That's...

What up? Points. All right. Was it Jackie Boy or Gibbs? Both. No. Then it lined up. Jackie Boy or Gibbs?

No. Well, this is a non-lethal shot, so I just kneecap... I kneecap Benjamin Jenkins. Wait, when did you become this concerned with murdering people? Because... Because...

Because what's happened is, Friso has gotten his job at the security guy. I think you're going to, I'm sorry, but because of everything that's happened in the last campaign, if you're going to try for a non-lethal shot, you're going to have to make a willpower

saving throw. Alright. Alright. And I should warn you that if it was a lethal saving throw. All right. All right. So this is... And I should warn you that if it was a lethal shot, you've killed him. So this is literally

me rolling for Ben's life. No, Briggs' life. Sorry. What's wrong with you? God, it's all coming down. All right. So what number... What's willpower?

It's will... So this is going to be a DC 15 will coming down. All right, so what number... What's willpower? It's will... So this is going to be a DC 15 willpower saving. And again, let's be clear. This is not to see if he has the technical ability to pull it off. Plus two. This is if he has the willpower to stop himself from murdering someone. So you need to roll a 13 or higher. Are you going to throw a 13 or above?

Oh, no! Oh no! With a familiarity that is frankly mysterious for a man from an ancient fantasy land, he definitely disengages the safety, racks around, and then pumps three shots into Briggs' head, killing him. around and then pumps three shots into Briggs' head, killing him. I guess that would mean, well, Briggs, Bobby, you're up. I wipe the blood from my face as if, it's like somebody has put a pie in my face, but it's blood, and I wipe the blood from my eyes and I look at what's happened and I look

at the audience and I say oh not again it's a kind of an imaginary audience it's a thing that Bobby's working on I punch

Jackie Boy in the nuts dexterity check oh I get to roll again I punch Jackie Boy in the nuts. Dexterity check. Oh, I get to roll again because that was a one and I'm a lucky... Disadvantage, two dice, lowest. Okay, no. All right. You miss. And at that point, Baston, are you doing anything?

Is the other guy still not dead, right? I only killed one of the two. The other guy is still not dead, which is more than can be said for the other other guy. I don't know, like... Are you just shouting fly kick now? All right, well... Why not?

All right. Okay, that will miss. Oh. But Jackie Boy has just seen his friend Briggs' head explode, and it's a little too hot in the kitchen and a single tear rolls down his face. He drops his weapon and starts to back away, muttering to himself. He keeps one nunchuck, he drops the other.

I don't mean no... He was my friend. I only wanted to see Johnny PlayStation. The funnest, most kawaii pop star in the holonet. And he runs off into the catacombs of the stadium. Okay, you probably have time for a shot if you want. I check his body for credits or whatever. Okay, you find actually a credit card

which reminds you of the stuff that Mr Sauer was paying, that he presumably has a cred stick. And you also can, if you want, take the Cobra Beth baton that he was using, which is a kind of concealable baton. Yeah, electric baton. The electric baton. But it also, which is a kind of concealable baton. Yeah, electric baton. The electric baton. But it also folds down into something you can hide in your palm.

You can take it off his fingerless hand. Yeah, as you actually get closer to the body, you realise that the way he's dressed, this was obviously a very poor person. You know why you know? Because he's wearing Johnny PlayStation fan gear, but it's obviously bootleg. Yeah, he made it.

And he's actually got a crumpled photo of Johnny PlayStation and a Sharpie pen in his pocket, and that's all. And it was his birthday. I call Friso over. Friso, quick, put out your hand. Just point of order. I feel like there's a lot of propaganda being spilt out right now. Trying to make a certain elf a villain.

And I will point out that the way Benny was playing music, I thought we were in a fight. I say, Friso, come over here. Put out your hand. At that moment. We were in a fight. You didn't have to shoot him in the head to end it. Did you...?

Yeah. Give me your hand. I put out my hand. I get some blood from him and I just wipe it across your hand. And I say, there you go, Friso. In that moment, suddenly a shadow falls across you from the top of the stairs. You see a figure with a strange asymmetrical haircut

and large, sharp shoulders of their cool jacket. And a voice, shout out, what in the hell is going on down here? Nothing. Just there was a dangerous intruder and we're just taking care of business. Steps ring out as the figure walks down the steps and as she walks, the shadow shrinks

until you see this is actually quite a small person, a gnome, in fact, with an incredibly sort of strong makeup and a strange modern outfit that is presumably far too expensive because otherwise you would be ridiculous if you wore it. Around her, the air seems to shimmer and geometrical shapes coalesce and disappear.

From the face, however, is one that you recognise for. It is a face that you were shown in a 3D photo just before Sour left. It is the face of your, is one that you recognize for it is a face that you were shown in a 3D photo just before Sour left. It is the face of your contact Gleam. And to play her, please welcome to the stage, Brady Connell. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner and are DM'd by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website and the podcast is edited. The theme written by and all live music performed by Mr. Benny Davis.