Dragon Friends - #3.03. Me Know What Mansplaining Is Now

Episode Date: March 22, 2017

The Dragon Friends are summoned by a mysterious vice president to the headquarters of Horizon Tokyo Division. Then it's a hop, skip and a stab over the pacific on their next assignment. Also, Freezo fires a gun on a plane. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The year is 2075 and our world as we know it has passed. This is the sixth age, a time of magic. Powerful megacorporations and Shadow Runners who do their bidding, flitting in those grey spaces between law and disorder. In Chiba, Tokyo, the Dragon Friends have become indebted to a powerful underworld figure, a fixer known only to them as Mr. Sour. He sent the three of you on a seemingly simple mission to provide backstage security for the SenseNet pop star Johnny PlayStation. A simple enough mission that you have managed to spectacularly fail at.

I should say by the three of you, of course, that I mean Baston, Bobby and Friso. Filch is nowhere to be seen, who has lost ever since you arrived in this strange new place. Now, as the dust settles, the riots subside and the fires are put out at Chiba Mega Stadium, a somewhat sheepish Bobby Frizzo and Baston meet their benefactor behind the loading bay. The rain belts down as Sour glares at you over an upturned collar, his troll bodyguard, Mr. Lambert, standing to his side. Well, my friends, you are now, as you put it, in the shit, he says. My friends at Horizon will not

be happy to learn that their most valuable assets have absconded and yet this seems to be the case. Even now I am told that PlayStation sub-dermal trackers are not responding and it appears our musical friend has left Japan. To be sure, he will be

missed. The same, I think, will not be said of the three of you. Sawa makes a complicated gesture, and Lambert pulls out a vicious-looking pistol, leveling it at you, Friso. I cast Invisibility. That is a spell that I have, and I cast it. And as I cast it, I say, Wait, Frisco!

Hang on, as you cast it? Yeah. So you're still visible when you... No, that's actually the magical words you have to say. Really? That's actually the spell, yeah. So that spell is a standard action that's going to take about six seconds to cast. Yeah. So you're just going to take about six seconds to cast. Yeah.

So you're just going to start spinning. What do I roll? Well, I just feel like you've got a gun pointed at you and you're going to start casting spells. I'm literally yelling at this man, where'd Friso go? In that voice. Okay, and then six seconds before you vanish, right? Okay, let's count it out. Let's count it out.

And if at any point you feel this character would shoot me, you do that, okay? Go. Ready? Okay. Ready? Hang on. So point the gun at me. Yeah, well, my troll bodyguard is pointing the gun at you. Okay. Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert. Okay, ready? And then I go, oh, where'd Fraser go? Ready? Count. One, two, three, four. You want me to shoot him? Five, six, invisible. You're invisible, but did you move?

Yeah. I went invisible, and then also I became... Make a dexterity saving throw. That is a eight plus four is 12. Four plus three is 11. All right, actually. So we'll make that actually the DC. And, oh, I'm afraid, 14.

Yep, you take five hit points of damage as you are clipped in the leg. Fuck. Fuck. Does that impair my movement? Heck yes. Do I get a movement speed bonus from being invisible? You get an invisibility bonus for being invisible. Hang on, is he still invisible even though we shot him in the leg?

Yes, absolutely. Is your blood invisible? Do you know what? Make a constitution saving throw as well. But this time just beat DC 12. Come on. 17. All right.

Oh, 19 actually. You are so stubborn that despite being shot in the leg, you finish the spell, you fall to the ground, and then gently, softly, slowly fade from sight. Lambert. But where did he go? And I say, I say, Lambert,

go give him a hug to make sure he goes nowhere. And so Lambert like lumbers over and just kind of grabs you with a meaty paw. No, I'm already gone.

No, you haven't. You fell to the floor. Wait, how's he going to pick me up? Okay, close your eyes and try and pick me up now. No, Lambert.

It's a good point. It's a good point. It's a good point. It's a good point because Lambert is not very bright. He goes, where would he be, boss? And I go. And then I go, I'm behind you. I go, remember where he was like a second ago? Yeah, there.

No, too late. Where? How? You can't just say that. I've gone. Where? You can't? Where?

Where indeed? You can't see me. Hing, I'm sorry. What you're doing now is just telling us we can't do things. How does it feel? How does it feel? Sorry. This is very much a one-way street. Okay.

Mr Sauer says, you have some spunk in you. This is good. Who wrote that? Is this the word, like spunk? I want to say like you have spunk in you. Yeah, you say you got heaps of spunk on you. I'm sorry, you have lots of spunk on you. You all have spunk on you, and I like this.

lots of spunk on you. You all have spunk on you, and I like this. Perhaps this unfortunate incident can be overlooked. But it is, as they say, above my pay grade. You'll need to travel to Horizon's local office tonight. Their new Chiba vice president is not a patient customer. Not exactly a typical suit. Perhaps they will have sympathy, yes? Mr. Lambert will bring the car around.

And remember, spunky people. Wait, what's this guy's name? I do not deal with them specifically. I go through person, person goes through me, they talk to a dog, a dog tells a cat, I meet with the cat. There are many... Feels like the dog isn't necessary in that communication chain. The dog is cousin of mine.

Lambert brings the car around a sleek American-style limousine and you enter the limousine and let it whisk you away? No? Are you shaking your head? I'm still invisible. My invisibility lasts for 24 hours, doesn't it? No. I leave the door open? The thing's still invisible. I'm still invisible. My invisibility lasts for 24 hours, doesn't it? No. I leave the door open.

It lasts for one hour, as you well know. I leave the door open long enough that I assume Friso has gotten... Well, Mr Lambert's got Friso, so he bundles in a weird bundle of air into the back. Okay, but as he's doing that, I just sort of very faintly say, this is going to be real weird when I become visible again. Because he's like holding me. And then I'll just sort of apparate and be like, oh, what's that guy doing there?

He puts you in the car, closes the door, then goes around to the front. Oh. I'm still invisible. And the car whisks you away to Horizon's Tokyo branch headquarter, an imposing building of silver, chrome and marble. You take a... It's a bit much. It's a bit showy, I agree.

Is that what Bobby says as it pulls up? It's like, ooh, architecturally, no thanks. You were... Bobby has been in future Cyber Tokyo for 30 hours. I've been in these fancy American-style limousines. Oh, do you ride the minibar again? Oh, is there a minibar in this one? Yes.

I keep all the little bottles this time. I have them. I pocket them. Okay, add them to your... You have a pocket full of Suntory and Fireball whiskey, which was all they had for some reason. Once you ascend the executive elevator, you are whisked 30 feet, 30 floors up into the air.

30 feet would not have been very far. A guy gets up 30 feet, 30 floors up into the air. 30 feet would not have been very far. Dave, look. A guy gets up 30 feet, the door opens, an NPC gets in. He says, Oh, who? Yeah, man. And then having a stroke.

Simon, I have to give Ben a lot of notes for this. You can't just throw him under the bus like that. That man has a stroke and he't just throw him under the bus like that. That man has a stroke and he's carried away. And the lift keeps going. It did not go as I thought it would. I apologise to him. With a small ding, the elevator indicates that it has arrived at the 30th floor, which has entirely been taken over by the offices of the new vice president of Horizon Tokyo division.

The doors open and you see a palatial office. Water coolers as far as the eye can see. It's a bit much. Secretaries everywhere. An executive spa and gym. And at the end of the floor, a giant chrome desk. Have you ever been in an office before? Have you ever had a job?

What's the ratio of... What do you think the ratio of secretaries to water coolers is? Hang on, sorry. In a typical office day. No, no, no, Hing. Hing, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I work at an ad firm, and I know for a fact that you are a host of a video game competition.

So I have my limits. Well, how many water coolers are there? How many water coolers are there in this office? Oh, like six. As far as the eye can see. Six. And at the end of the office, you see a desk, grand and imposing.

And behind that desk... Wait, so it's open plan? Yeah, no, the entire floor... It's one person's office. The floor was taken over as one office. Wait, so it's open plan? Yeah, no, the entire floor... It's one person's office. The floor was taken over as one office. Wait, there's one office and six water coolers. That is a lot.

I thought it was servicing a floor of people. Yeah, me too. That would make sense at least. I take it back. My snark was unnecessary. That is a lot of water coolers for one person. Oh, my. Yeah, you're right, Alex.

This used to be a lot quicker. I don't know what happened. And at that desk, you see a figure that you have not seen for almost 30 hours. It cuts in an impeccable suit with wide epaulets and burnished white cuffs. It is, of course, Filge the Half-Orc. Filch is standing with her back to the dragon friends with her hands clasped behind her back

looking out the window onto the cityscape below She says nothing The blast shields are of course closed so she's looking at an empty wall Filch Filch? Filch Filch Filch? Filch Filch

Filch? Who was that? It's Baston He's going to pop up Don't do that Don't ever do that again Don't do that Like

We'll just say for this For this episode We'll just say Baston's trying to be Snagglepuss Because you can do that boys Oh yeah We'll just say he's doing a thing, he's doing a new thing. Cool, cool.

Filch is being attended by a small goblin, we come to think of it, who is dressed in a black turtleneck, which has, in future fashion, it has sort of tails on it. A turtleneck with tails. And then, like, really military-style jeans with knee pads on them. That's a bit much.

It's the future, just go with it. Alright. Phil, still looking out at the blinds, says, Ah, this city. Ain't she something? And she turns around slowly and looks at you. Hey, bud.

Why? What are you doing? How did you? How are you? A-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-what? I got shot about two hours ago. Can I get a drink of water? No.

Me don't have enough water coolers. Oh, fine. Let me ask me work slave. Work slave. Work slave. Is that that? Yeah. Oh.

I gestured the man with the... To answer the work slave. But yes, that's you. Wearing the... Military pants. Military pants. Well, that's not strictly speaking my job, but okie doke. Hello.

What's the... Is this my 3.15 appointment? Yes, these are the mercenaries that we got to do the PlayStation job. Shall I kill them? Oh, go on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. Filch.

Filch. It's us. Filch blinks at them. It's Bobby and Friso. Yeah. And Baston. Hello. Hello.

Don't you remember? Jog me memory. I killed your brother. Filge like steeples her fingers and puts them against her lips. It's like ringing bells, ringing bells. And then she points them at Bobby. We were there when you met Katie. You remember Katie, right?

A tear rolls down her face and smears her make-up. Filge wears make-up. What happened to Katie? She didn't make it. Oh, your dead rat didn't make it. I'm so sorry. Well, here, let me give you a hug. This is all very touching.

Could I just say, either hug him or dug him. By that I mean, we'll dig some graves. I mean, we won't. It's a chute and then it's an incinerator, but hug him or dug him. All right. Madam Vice President. Shut up, slave, I say, and I throw my whiskey in his face.

Oh! Shut up, slave, I say, and I throw my whiskey in his face. Oh, yeah, you guys. Hi. How long have you been here? Three weeks, two weeks. Which calendar are we using? Two weeks is fine. Two weeks.

Yeah, me have had a pretty crazy time, you cheaper. Just worked me way up from the top. Started in the paper room. Started in the mail room. Has something happened to Filch's voice? It's Filch smarter. Has she learnt to speak better? Slightly? Or have you

forgotten how the characters sound? And then she goes, but if Filch exists in this world... There we go. And then she just shakes her head. Ah! No, me remember. Mostly. It's been a while.

Filch, I have to say, it's been a stratospheric rise for the Madam Vice President here, but she's got some sort of affinity with the technology. What technology? The technology. Who are you, Johnny Nine Questions? Shut up!

And then I take the whiskey that was thrown at me and throw it at you. I catch it neatly in my mouth. That's a 14 plus dexterity 18. Yeah, you do it. You're drunk. Congratulations. Nom, nom, nom, dexterity, 18. Yeah, you do it. You're drunk. Congratulations. Okay, I wave my hand at my work slave and I make him go stand in the cupboard.

And then he goes, and then he sticks his little head out and then closes it up. Where you been? And then he goes, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. And then he sticks his little head out and then closes it up. Filch. Where you been? Something went wrong at the PlayStation gig. What happened was we were there and we were attacked. Also, we haven't seen you since we got sucked into a vortex.

Oh, yeah. I'm struggling whether or not to refer to you as Filch or Madam Vice President. What do I call you now? Filch Fine. Not in front of me people. All right, Filch Fine. Not in front of me people. Alright Filch something terrible went wrong we went to the PlayStation gig to kill him and then what happened? What? We got the word to put the hit was out on PlayStation because he swapped

role he swapped companies and they and... No go on. Yeah go on. Yeah go on. Yeah, go on. Yeah, go on. You don't listen to this show, do you? Absolutely not. Like, even on stage, you don't listen to this show. What? And then from the cupboard... Oh, no, Bobby, you can explain what the actual case was.

We were hired to protect Johnny PlayStation. That's what I meant. The opposite of kill. We were there to kill the gnome lady. No. She did have her eyes glow blue and attack Johnny PlayStation. She did, and we defended him bravely. And then you hear from the cupboard,

permission to come out of here, please. And then Bobby spits the glass into the handles of the cupboard to jam it shut. Okay. At my direction. That's a 19 plus 4. That'll do it. That's a shame. Look, guys.

We got real big promotion. Just a second. I did a pretty amazing thing by spitting a glass into a covered handle. Nobody seemed to blink an eye. I just wanted to raise... Don't interrupt me. Filch heard of mansplaining now. You think Filch rise to top of corporate ladder

by listening to men? Yes, me had a really good mentor, but that beside the point. Look, me got big promotion writing on PlayStation becoming top of the charts. So we've got to get him back. I thought he was dead. Wait, so he's like his beacons or whatever got this like offline.

He got rushed away into a morgue. What? Into a car. Into a car. Into a car. So, where is he now? Have you got a tracker on him? Have you got a tracker?

Let's move on. Have you got a tracker on him? Let's go. The tracker has stopped working. Which was said literally... Minutes ago. No, no. The last thing that was said before you opened your fucking head

was that the tracker was missing. Simon got it. Why can't you? I'm very sorry. I don't have as much stuff going on as Hing. So I've just got room in my brain for this kind of stuff. Me check. Me check with work slave.

And then I open the door and I let him out. Thanks for letting me out. Oh, I was getting real hot in there. I pissed myself. I did. Sorry about your cupboard. It's at least a bit full of weed. Most of it's in my pants. Anyway, look, the situation's a bit, it's a bit fraught.

It's a bit of a stuff-up, frankly. And it's your heads that are going to roll if we don't get him back. Now look, far as we know, the Boss Saito Company have taken him, kidnapped him, caused that hullabaloo at the bloody stadium. We don't know where he is. You mentioned something about a gnome before. That sounds interesting. Yeah, he's, I guess she's a manager, like an effects designer. He pulls out a remote thing and points it at a wall, which turns into a monitor, and he punches a couple of things in there

and you get an image of Glitter Gleam. Was it a silly billy? Yeah, that was her. And it looks just like that. She's one of ours. She went pretty crazy. She also turned into a really scary bear and

freaked him out. It seems like she's either working for the other team or she's just like like, gone bonkers. Yeah. She seems like a real double agent. So he thinks about this for a moment? Or quadruple agent. The math works out.

Yeah, whatever agent she is, it's an even number. If there are two sides, yes. Yeah. Oh, wait. Are there any other sides? Because if there are three sides, a quadruple agent would be the... Anyway, yeah. Look, there are several corporations in...

How many corporations? Filge goes to a bar that's hanging above her desk and flips onto it and goes upside down for a corporate power nap. Well, until they decide what they're doing. You sleep upside down on a bar. Yeah, it's a corporate power move. How did you find that out? Sheryl Sandberg.

All right, fine. Lean in upside down. Phil starts gently snoring. So you, yeah, so it just occurs to me, it's funny. So far, what I've done is I've threatened to kill you. That was funny. And then I've weighed, threatened to kill you, that was funny, and then I've weed my pants, but you don't know my name. I'm Bobson Dugnut, and I'm the head of security.

You're what? My name is Bobson Dugnut. Bobson Dugnut. Bobson. Bobson. Bobson. Bobson. Bobson. Bobson Dugnut. Bobson Dugnut. My name is Bobson? Bobson? Bobson? Bobson.

Bobson Dugnut. Bobson Dugnut. My name is Bobson Dugnut. Bobson Dugnut continues. So I'm Bobson Dugnut and I'm head of security and as such it's my role to get this very, very important asset back. Now as far as I know, this Glitter Gleam lady is the only lead we have. Now I happen to know that she's doing a show in New York tonight. Can we get there that quick?

It's the bloody future, mate! Well for me it's the present. And as far as I know, also for you. But yes, it's just a simple shuttle ride. A shuttle ride like a laser shuttle, a cybernet, an intercom with a rocket. If you like. It's an hour long journey. Also Doug Nutt at point, clicks a button on his remote and a different face shows up, one that seems familiar to you. What?

What's the name again? Oh, yeah. Filch opens her eyes. She's watching now. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Raoul Chamgallain. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Raoul Chamgallane. Raoul Chamgallane is one of the hottest designers in the world right now. Fashion, clothes, boots, hats, gloves, ties, belts. Look at anybody fashionable and they'll say,

I love Raoul Chamgallane. Raoul Cham say, I love Raoul Cham- Raoul Cham-Galane. Raoul Cham-Galane. Cham-Galane. Cham-Galane. Cham-Galane. I love him. And he happens to bear a striking resemblance

to one Mr Bobby Pancakes here. Yeah, that's super weird. Anyhow. Bobby's like... Filch goes, me actually have some of his clothes in me cupboard. Sorry, I did wee on them. Yeah, me, Raul had a thing, didn't work out. Wait, what?

You had a thing with somebody who looks exactly like me? Filch turns bright crimson for a second and then goes, no! Put on piss clothes! Wait, you want me to put on the piss clothes? Yes! No! Yes!

No! And then Dugnut starts like nodding and then takes off his pants and then hands them to you. No, not your ones. The ones in cupboard. Yes, of course. Okay, here's the plan. Doug Nutt, if you don't need those clothes, I'll take them. 20 minutes later.

All of the dragon... Now, Bobby is dressed in like a black flowing cape, which is the style of the time. Like a kimono, but more flowy. Yep, alright. And we're getting into my private jet on the rooftop of the Horizons Corporation building. Excellent.

In the meantime, it has been explained to you that you're going to go to New York to Glitter Gleam's concert under the guise of Raoul Chamgallan. Raoul Chamgallan. Raoul Chamgallan. Wait, Raoul Cham-bal-an? Cham-gall-ane. We're going to get fucked as soon as someone asks you your name

and you're like, my name is Raoul. Wait, just one more time. Raoul Cham-gall-ane. Wait, just one more time. Raul Cham-ga-lane. Cham Ga-lane. Raul Cham-ga-lane. And you better get it right when you're at this. So, we've arranged. My name's Robert Chamberpot.

So as you're As you're entering the jet. Well, actually. Sorry. Oh, there's one more thing. Raul is French. Yeah, he's French. All right, he's French. Bonjour. Doug Nutt goes on to explain that you have a 60% facial bone resemblance to Cham Galane.

That you would... What, you've got a facial bone resemblance to Cham Galane that you would... What, you got a problem with facial bone resemblance? Yes. Just say skull. Skull is a 60% match which would be enough to fool most people.

Would not fool the sycophantic glitterazzi of New York. I cast disguise self when I get there at the optimum time for it to last the longest. That's very exciting. However, they also have a surgeon who will meet you in New York and do facial reconstruction of surgery.

And they've already booked the surgeon. He's the bloody best. How much does he cost? He did my taint. Wait, what's your surgeon's name? It's Mike Truck. Mike Truck. Wait, taints by truck?

Yeah. I've not been here very long, but I know taints by truck. Wow, that's... Oh yeah, how'd that jingle go? He goes, If you've got a taint and it ain't that good

fuck, well get a truck. That is not much inspiration. No, you can't keep getting dice of inspiration for that. I can sing. So Bobby has a date with one of the black clinics of New York. The rest of you will

be able to enjoy yourselves as well as you can. However, as you were taken upstairs to the jet that I guess you own now, Alex? Yeah, it called KD2. Does it have whiskers? Yes. Are you going to travel with... And nexus for eyes? Yes.

Aww. Are you going to travel with them to New York Yeah me come why not And then before we go I go wait one second And then I set up like a pillow With some straw on top To sit at my desk

And I've painted my face on it And that's going to That's going to be the highest paid pillow in Cheba for the next however long this bullshit lasts for. Alright, you make your way upstairs as the jet hums

on the roof of the building. There's sort of huge blasts of air. Your trilby goes flying and you lose it Bobby. Do you have a hat? Not anymore. You know, a blast of air. Your trilby goes flying and you lose it, Bobby. And... Do you have a hat? Not anymore.

And as you make your way up into the jet, go ahead and roll for me a perception check. Actually, no, why don't you roll? We haven't used it yet, but we actually have dice cam. So why don't you roll for us up here? Give me a second. A three. Alright. Great. My original roll was much better.

Dave, is there like because this is a private jet, there's no like export security or anything, is there? No. Cool, cool, cool. What did I get? That was a five and you also failed to hit the dice tray. Baston probably rolls a check, right? Yeah, and Baston rolls an 18.

Me? 15. 15, okay. So can Baston relay us all the information? Well, we don't need... Keep it, it's fine. I'm throwing dices, everyone. We've got loads.

All right, Filch, you notice something immediately, which is that there should be a pilot and a steward waiting for you on the plane, and they seem to have disappeared. Someone going to get fired, I say. And then I click it. Is old mate Bobson there? I guess if you've ordered him to.

Yeah, Bobson's coming. Hello. I go, make note, fire pilot. He has to call his family. And then I say, bring me my goggles. And then I say, bring me my goggles. And me scarf and me brown leather gloves. Good taking this baby for a spin.

Okay, I go and get those items. Alright, Bobson walks into the cockpit and you hear a thump and a muffled whimper. And then you hear silence. Mmm, Katie feeling feisty today, I say. And as I rub my hands together. And I open the door to the cockpit myself. Okay. You're just opening it wide? Yep. All right.

Inside you see, first of all, lying stone cold on the ground, Bobson Dugnut, who has obviously passed out. And over him, two gangers, but they look sort of like techno fetishists. They have dreadlocks of cables and wires and strange glow-in-the-dark tattoos. And one of them has a strange knife and the other one has what looks like a garrotte. And the one with the strange knife is like, you know, I had this outfit of techno stuff, chips for braids and, you know, my arms all watches

and I just have a strange knife, apparently. You'd think I'd have something like a laser gun or... The knife is covered in buttons and microchips. Is the door to the plane closed? Like, we're locked in now? Yeah, you're locked into the plane, but the door to the cockpit is open. I, Dave...

Yes. Dave. Yep. What weapons do I have in space, Japan? That's a good question. Where we are? What would you like? You have quite a high disposable income, so...

Can I have a laser pen? Yep, okay. One laser pen. Great, okay. You have a laser pen? Can I have a gun? No, I'm sorry. I'm going to need to accept your first answer of laser pen.

Don't I get more? No, that's it. We all got one wish. Yeah, Bobby got a little smooch. This is like a laser that chops people up. You just said laser. It's a laser pointer. Alright. It's very useful in board meetings.

It was a clever choice. Feel, JL. Refract the laser pointer through your goggles and blind that man. Don't make men explain fighting to me, Bobby. I yell. Refract the laser pointer through your goggles and blind that man. Don't make men's fight fighting to me, Bobby. I yell back and I grab my gloves off the pilot seat and I slap both the men in the face with my gloves. Okay, you're going into combat.

So the first person up is Bobby. Where am I? You're just behind Filj. I have my electric baton and I like whip it out. Yep, so the Cobra... Is that a lightsaber and electric baton? No, it's literally like a long bit, it's a telescopic baton, which exists now and with two prongs on the end that's like a taser.

I think this thing actually exists. Do you have to plug it in? Yeah, no, it takes AC power. He's got actually one of those converters so he powered it in the cigarette lighter in the limousine like a taser. Do you have to plug it in? Yeah, no, it takes AC power. He's got actually one of those converters so he powered it in the cigarette lighter in the limousine. No, it has a charge. For about three hours it's like a switch. I dash

I make a dash I'm playing switch right now. I make a dash towards Weird Knife and whack him with a charge. Excellent. Alright, so you rolled a 9 plus 5 is 14. That's enough.

So Weird Knife, as he is now called, gets hit. That's d6 plus 3. And he gets hit for 7 points of damage. And I say, shocking, no. There's a thing I've noticed, which is that you've started to do cool lines after you hit. We'll see if I keep doing them.

Weird knife recoils, and then the next up is Garrot, I suppose, who flicks his weapon around and lunges at you, Friso. It's a deathly piece of string! He rolls a two, so he misses you and goes crashing into the balcony and the next... Balcony? The balcony of the plane.

A balcony is one of those words in D&D you can just assume is in the room. Wait, what? It doesn't work in a private jet. Dave, you decide all the words you're gonna say in one night and just meet them out bit by bit. Don't gaze too deeply into my system.

You're crashing into a row of seats. A row of seats. All right. But I've avoided all this. Yeah, he missed you. Right. So is it Friso's turn? Sure.

Friso yells, This should have been security! And then pulls out his gun. Is it Friso's turn? Sure. Friso yells, This should have been security! And then pulls out his gun that he has on a plane. He has a gun on a plane. Yes, he does. And he fires it into the back of the head of the guy. You're firing a gun on a plane.

It's not flying, though, because there's no pilot. So I fire it into the back of the head of the guy with the garrote. Isn't he facing you? No, because he passed me into the back of the head of the guy with the garrote. Isn't he facing you? No, because he passed me into the seats. Great, roll. That is a four. Okay, you miss. Everybody make a willpower saving throw.

In a small confined space, a Colt 45 goes off. So, Simon, you have disadvantage for your next row as your ears are ringing very, very badly. I would also say my ear is ringing. your ears are ringing very, very badly. My ear is ringing. My single ear. Anything makes it worse. And the next up is you, Filch. Fair enough. I take one of the plane safety laminated sheets

from the back of one of the chairs. Yep. And then have a good old read. And I like ninja star throw it, or just regular throw it, at Weird Knife's face, in between his eyes. Okay, cool. Yep, roll. That's a third. Do I get anything else? Plus two, so 15. You know what, that will hit.

It's a piece of paper. It's laminated. It is laminated. You do two points of damage. So he's mildly inconvenienced. And in fact, it's now his turn. What was... What?

Can I have disadvantage because I'm a little bit confused as to why this is occurring? No. You've had a piece of paper thrown in your head yeah I'm like laminated newspaper I'm like was it poisoned I don't know um tell you what you can do you can okay you have to attack field because what village now has your attention. Right, and he turns to Filge and says, didn't think you'd be on the plain old sport, no hard feelings, just tying up loose ends.

And he lunges at you with a knife. I would have been good if that was the grot man because of the piece of string. Yeah, he was going to say that. That's a 15. That will hit you, Filge. So you've been hit with the knife, which does six points of damage but also you start to feel a weird sort of scratching at the point of injury. So there's some kind of strange, something strange has happened.

Where? What do you mean a scratch? Well that's what a knife does. Like a knife goes... Oh I can feel it for the first time. It's burning in a strange way. I think the knife is poison. Oh, wait. Is that? And then I take it and I lick it and I go, oh, it's poison, all right. Yeah.

Guys. Anything that makes it work faster. They have poison in Japan. Who knew? Now you've got two points. You've poisoned yourself in your neck and you've eaten poison. Bobby, you're up next. So is garrot man like lying?

He's prone. He's on the ground. All right. So I leap up on a chair and I punch the ceiling so that the breathing apparatus comes out. And I yank it out. And then I go to him and I garrot him with it. And I say, make sure you help yourself before helping others um two taking it you've got the dice of inspiration you want to use it yeah all right that's a 19

so you you you take it that's a sneak attack because he was absolutely not expecting it. So you're grunting him, two bonus dice, wine goes everywhere, and roll, roll, roll. Okay, so three, three, six, so that's ten plus you do fourteen points of damage and he passes out underneath you and only the knife wielder remains and the next one up is Friezo. I cast invisibility. How many times can you cast a level that's... Is that a level one spell?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I've got like... We would have rested in the plane or something or whatever. You've just arrived at the plane. I'm pretty sure he's got an eye mask on the whole time. I don't have my other book, so I don't know. All right, fine, I won't. I'll just cast a Witch Bolt at this guy then.

Bearing in mind that I tried to not cast the Witch Bolt. Okay, so you throw your gun to the side. You begin to create strange shapes in the air as your eyes glow black as jet. And he goes... Let's see what the outcome is. So I roll a 17 plus 5 is 22. And he goes, cool moves, man.

Because he thinks he's dancing. Right. That's what he says. And then I do... That's a D12, so try again. Yeah, that's the 1D12. Is that what I'm rolling? Isn't it 1D10?

No, 1D12. Plus five to hit. I do seven points of damage. Plus five. Oh, no, that's the other. Sorry. I do seven points of damage. All right, so you do seven points of damage.

He's badly wounded. And the next up is you, Filch. I lunge at him with my laser pen and I stab him in the eye. Okay, make an attack. I turn the laser on and I say, time for some surgery. And I look at Poppy with thumbs up. I give her a big thumbs up. All right, roll the d20.

A seven. No, no, but plus your strength. You'll be using your brute strength. Because this was a weapon that you asked for, I will say, and because you are an executive that you do have proficiency in using it, so that's... And probably like this. So that is just enough, which means that it does not a huge amount of damage.

Let's say D4... Oh, wait, no, it's into the eye, isn't it? So 2D4. You know what? He's dead. Bobby says the doctor is in your eyeball socket. What? The plane takes off a short while later after the pilot has been revived. Oh, no, I'm flying it.

It's my plane. No, okay. What is actually... It's me, plane. Me. Yeah, okay. So what is actually happening is Phil is flying it in the seat next to the pilot. You know how Maggie... We've got a Maggie Simpson device. is Phil is flying it in the seat next to the pilot.

You know how Maggie... With some sort of Maggie Simpson device. With some special controls that she's been given that say that they're better than the other ones. And they don't seem to be connected to anything. It's a metal dinner plate. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. With some buttons glued on it. Yeah.

Yeah, don't worry, boys. We got this imported from Korea. High above the Pacific, radar shows a plane fast advancing on New York with a dinner date that cannot be forgotten, for it is the opening night of Glitter Gleam's new retrospective, a fantastic night of art, culture and the finest society of New York, and a date with four strange adventurers, new to this land that will not soon be forgotten,

for their purpose has brought them face to face with glitter gleam and in this moment she shall know reckoning at the hands of the dragon friends the dragon friends are alex lee michael hing eden lacey and simon griner and a dm'd by me dave harman with npc voices by ben jenkins shakira khan designs our website and the podcast is edited the theme written by and all live music performed by mr benny davis Thank you.