Dragon Friends - #3.09. The Theme from 'The Nanny' with Zoë Rae

Episode Date: June 21, 2017

The Great Brisvegas Ute Muster is a meeting of the minds if by minds you mean muscle cars, battleroos and two stubbies per ticket holder with no passouts. The Dragon Friends stand at the foot of the Haystack with a ticket to Freeside burning a hole in their increasingly tattered pockets. Also I guess they have a robot friend now? Everything is fine.With special guest Zoë Rae! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The hot irradiated wasteland that is New South Queensland stretches out in every direction covered in a scorching, merciless sun. These lands have seen disaster, apocalypse, apostasy and despair, but until this moment, they have not seen a sight... Let it go! Such as this. From a distance, a puff of dirty smoke on the horizon

is all that would warn you of the approach of the dragon friends, riding as they are on a convoy of battle roos, ride-on mowers and a heavily armed if decrepit four-wheel drive. As the convoy approaches, you would be able to notice the upright figure of a raider straddling the bonnet, tears of concentration streaming down his face as he attempts the chords to classical gas again and again while gouts of encouraging fire are blasted behind him. The convoy is, of course, the dragon friends, riding high on a payload of weapons,

explosives, vehicles, and other gifts granted by an overly permissive dungeon master. Ahead of them, the city of Brisvegas lies, slimy jewel that it is in the nation's Northeastern crown and home of the fabled Freeside Needle, the Dragon Friends' next assignment. Now Brisvegas, of course, is a compound town, and the access to the needle accessible only by helicopter,

and huge walls guard your way. But as the convoy approaches the outskirts of the city, you see movement at the station, like buzzards around Carrion. A shanty town has sprung up that seems to be full of smoggy vehicles parked haphazardly around the station. Like buzzards around Carrion, a shanty town has sprung up that seems to be full of smoggy vehicles parked haphazardly around the perimeter.

It seems that you have arrived in time for something big. Now you can continue down the highway if you want into this camp of vehicles because you're about five minutes right. They've obviously seen you. Do they look like baddies or what?

Actually looks like- Or goodies. It looks like a bit of a festival. It looks like people are having fun. You can see the smoke is lots of, you can smell diesel in the air, but you can also smell unidentified meat roasting. And you can hear lilting in the breeze,

the strains of bogans. Hang on, are we in... Yeah, you can breathe. Is this some sort of post-apocalyptic Splendour in the Grass? No, no, no. It's much more... Think less Splendour in the Grass. Something like that.

Think more Denny Mute Muster. It's like... It's like... More Tamworth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's's fun with Tamworth yeah yeah yeah let's not make this classes okay all right people get fingered at Splendor in the Grass as well it's not a class thing I'm sorry this has never happened to you Ben but we've all been fingered at Splendor in the Grass

I've been fingered at Splendour in the Grass. What? Just saying. You don't book the comedy line-up at Splendour in the Grass without getting some sweet paint. No, that's disgusting. Sorry. I'm so sorry, everyone. Because you've continued... It's very rare that I will regret the first thing out of my head. Really? No, I'll regret a lot of things later,

but the first thing out of my mouth during a show, it's rare that I regret it as much as I do. Oh, boy. All right, how far is this, like, mute muster thing from the needle? So you can actually see on the horizon, like a sort of shining, you know, needle, the space elevator that leads to Freeside.

Around it is, as you know, the Haystack Casino, which is one of the last surviving casinos and there seems to be a walled compound around that, which you don't have access to, and there's a shantytown sort of around that. It's a ring city, alright? So we're in the shanty. No, you're on the highway. We're on the highway to the

shanty. Guys, I reckon we go strong, we commit to it, the scene is coming. We can say that we brought entertainment. That's true. Trav remains chained to the bonnet of your car. I hope we're getting it. Yeah, let's say we're busking. Is there a talent show we can audition for? All right, you drive up proudly to the Ute Muster

and then you see two gentlemen, one of them in a loincloth, one of them seems to be wearing the skin of a battle roux with a skull balanced precariously on his head and he has a clipboard and they hail you down. And he's standing very still because he doesn't want the skull to tip off. I'm like, nice skull, bro. Are you referring to the skull on my colleague's head

or the skull in my colleague's head? Please be clear, sir. I'm just referring to his external skull. Your specificity. Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it? I've got this one, Carl. Specificity was the word he... Look, you're very close this time.

Yeah, thanks, Ranga. Yeah, your specificity. And then he winks at him and, like, rips out a word of the day calendar and puts it in his pocket on the day off. It's a very old and tattered pre-war calendar. Your specificity is appreciated. What brings you to this muster?

Boys, we're here to party. Oh, well, that may well be. That may well be, sir. That, as it may well be, is, as it was, were, t'was and is a statement of intent. I just put up my hand for a high five. is a statement of intent. I just put up my hand for a high five. Sir, I would love to five the high that you've

Please lower your hand, sir! Please lower the hand! Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry. Get it away. Yes. Stop that. I lower my hand. While partying and frivolity and things of such nature are definitely on the cards,

twere our duty, me and my esteemed colleague here, to check the guest list for this particular buster. With which tribe are we travelling? Can we call it a quick dragon huddle? So, Friso would have, like, knowledge, because he has, like... Doesn't he understand history or some shit? That's his thing?

You understand the history of the magical world of Faerun. Can we... Can I argue with something? You have Trav, you have Magryan, you have Bobson with you, you have some natives of... You've got the head of the tribe of a million kings, right? Yeah. This is the... Yeah, exactly.

Me. It's me. Yeah. How many goblin tribes are you ahead of? So many. And yet so more to come. We should send Phil a gin and just be honest with them. They look like cops. You never lie to cops.

Anyway, yeah. Tick tock goes the rocket clock. Which tribe are we affiliated, please? I, like, swing down off the top of the truck and land gracefully. Make a dexterity check. DC, 10. Wait, I rolled the wrong dice. 19.

That's all right. I, like, roll off and I do a flip. All right, unnecessary. And then I land and I do a flip. Alright, unnecessary. And then I land and I go, G'day Cobbers. Tribe of Million Kings. Tribe of the Million Kings. Tribe of the Million Kings. Tribe of the Million Kings.

They're looking at their clipboards. They make a big show of like... Is they going to be under M or T? M or T. Tribe of the Million Kings. Are we under M or T? Million or T. Try the Million Kings. Will you be under M or T? Million Kings. Million Kings.

Kings. Million of? T. T. Under T. Under T. Under T. Under T.

Under T. Under T. Under T. Under T. Yes, Try the Million Kings. Ah, yes. I cannot stress enough that these people are wearing harnesses and loincloths, but go on. It appears you are on the list.

Yeah, some of your party's already here. Which chapter? Glen Innes, I believe. Yes, Glen Innes is yet to arrive. Very, very good. Ah, well, all seems to be in order. Yes, wonderfully convenient, isn't it? Well, we do our best.

So we go into the party? Yes. So they actually... The tone's very confusing. They tear off some little drink tokens and, like, a meal ticket and they give it to each of you, even you, Meg Ryan. And Meg Ryan's like, Thank you, idiot.

As bitter as it may, that'll get you two mid-strengths and a sausage with onion and sauce, if you like. Now, these are non-transferable drink tickets. They're not going to be good once you leave the grounds, OK? If you want to say, by the way, there's also steak sangers on offer, but you have to pay for them. We've had some difficulties with people going,

oh, can I trade two sausages? No, you may not. You may not. The answer is no, you may not. The answer is no, you may not. And they keep talking as you drive through. Now, can I make a perception check? I'd like to know if this is different brands on people?

Yeah, you've heard enough from them. So what you're doing there is you're making an insight check. That's DC 13, we'll say. Okay, I rolled a 3. Alright. Nearly there. You do not know what powerful magicians these are. But

regardless, they seem to have let you pass and soon they wave you through and by the pennants on the wall eventually you find again that figure of a skull and goggles that seems to be the symbol of the million kings where there are already other tents, structures and just utes everywhere and trucks of all description that are parked out.

Name some. What? Name some trucks? You just said trucks of all description. You're sort of evading naming. There's a spiky one. There's a red one. One of them is actually just one truck on top of another truck. Double-decker truck.

That's called a hump truck. You make your way into the Tribe of the Million Kings and soon you are waved over to a fire where some people are sitting down eating what seems to be, I guess, sausage sandwiches. With onions. With onions. You overhear a bit being like, well, I don't see why it doesn't stack. If I have two, I mean, just cost-wise, if I have two sausages,

that's got to be worth a stack. Johnny bloody government. Yeah, Johnny bloody sort of, you know, militia, really. But yeah. Yeah, the man. Are you guys going to eat? Because if so, well, are you going to eat? Yeah, we should eat and rest and get some points back.

I feel like there's going to be combat soon. Yep, so you can all roll one of your hit die and get that many hit points back. How many points per sausage? Friso, are you joining and eating or are you meditating and reading a spell book like a weirdo? No, I'm going to purchase the sausages and keep them. They are non-transferable.

I cannot stress that enough. Well, no, no, no. What they said was the tokens were transferable. Once I purchase the sausage, it's mine by law and I can do with it what I please. Actually, Dave? You feel a tap on your shoulder and you turn to see the man in the loincloth.

Yes, I was just chatting with my esteemed colleague here. Couldn't help but overhear your internal monologue. Were you perchance considering caching these sausage sandwiches? I was going to

keep them for later, yes. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. I believe the words you're looking for are very well.

Very well on your way. Good, good. Good, good New Wayne. Good, good. Good, good, good, good, good. And he does several ticks on his clipboard. Okay, so as you guys sit down to eat, you find yourself in a circle of fire that seems to be just one giant rubber tyre burning. It smells terrible.

Are we in a circle of fire? No, it's just a tyre on fire that people are sitting around. And there's space around the tyre, Are we in a circle of fire? No, it's just a tyre on fire that people are sitting around. And there's space around the tyre, but there are three other people sitting there. One of them is a very, very scrawny guy who's sort of shivering. Another one is a really gregarious, smiling-looking man who has, like, crossed chains harness on and not very few clothes. And the other is the biggest man you've ever seen.

This sort of across between morbid obesity and muscle who is rocking backward and forward. His eyes just pinpoints. And he is either a psychopath or the drunkest man you've ever seen. Or both. Or munted. Should we... How's his jaw? Is his jaw going off?

It's working. He's working his jaw. He's grinding. He's munted. I take some soft fabric and rub it against his fingers. Wait, do they like that or not like that? I love that. They love that. This feels like an enormous risk.

It's a very bold opening move. Can I ask a couple of questions? Yeah. Walking wordlessly up to a man you've never met and rubbing soft fabric on his fingers. Do you say anything? Wait, which one is the psychopath? Where is Trav?

Because we did bring one of the... Did you unchain him from the bonnet? Bonnet of the car. Yeah. You're leaving him there like a hood ornament. So he's in the car park. Okay. And is Bobson with them?

From the distance, you just hear a voice. Bobson's with them? Bobson's with us. Okay, cool. Bobson Dugnut, of course, your security... Attaché. Attaché. Did Bobson get any tokens?

Yeah, he got a token. I like Bobson. And he's already carrying... Yeah, I can't believe you're late! He just walks in carrying a cardboard tray with 12 medium-strength beers. Look at this! Look what I got here!

They're called Scooey! Scooey for a Yui? That's you! I take one and I drink it and then I smash it and I put it on my head. Well, it's plastic. As a show of strength to the other people sitting around the fire.

And then I do it 11 more times. I was going to say, okay, so Phil, do you drink 12 medium strength beers? Is that like three regular beers? No, that's 12 standard drinks. That is a bottle of wine.

So remember that time that we did that episode where we got hammered? Yeah. And we all drank about a bottle of wine each? There's only 7.7 standard drinks. That's more than a bottle of wine. Alright, so... Duly noted.

Phil, you have disadvantage on all ability and combat checks. Oh, she's huge. And they're 4Xs. Disadvantage. That's fine. I agree. Disadvantage. It's only fair. But I're 4Xs. A disadvantage. That's fine. I agree. A disadvantage. It's only fair.

But I'll give you a bonus to charisma. How much more charisma? You'll have advantage for charisma checks. Oh, great. And until you yaff. Does anyone notice me do my show of strength and dominance? Yeah, actually. You attracted the attention of the gregarious chain-wrapped man who sidles over to you.

Oh, gosh, tell you what, I should have thought about this voice. I should have had a plan. Well, you're committed now. I knew I'd be talking this episode. I should have had a plan, but here we are. I knew I'd be talking this episode. I should have had a plan, but here we are. I haven't seen somebody put beers away like that since I saw Tim put all the beers away in the shed.

Earlier today. Oh. I hate this guy so much. Actually, Ollie's the name. And he puts out his hand. Actually, Phil, make with disadvantage an insight check. So roll two dice, tell's the name. And he puts out his hand. Actually, Phil, make with disadvantage an insight check. So roll two dice, tell me the lowest. DC.

A big one. A big one. Which one? Use a big boy. DC 10. Yeah, you can use a big boy. And that's two, right? It won't fit in the hole.

No, it won't. Put it in the hole. What? That was an 11 and an 18. Oh, that's enough. Okay, well done. Even with disadvantage, you realise two things. Firstly, this guy doesn't have the brand of the Million Kings,

so he's some kind of independent contractor. And the other thing is that you discern, because he's wrapped not just in chains, but you realise that they're manacles, and you get a flash of insight and realise that this guy must be a slaver, somebody who trades people. Why is he wrapped in chains if he's the slaver? He's doing a bad job.

And where can I purchase such an outfit? Oh, yeah, Bastogne's here too. I go, g'day, cobber, because that seems to be working for me so far. Yeah, g'day. Is this how I sounded just before? Pretty much. All right, then we're doing this yeah well anyway names Ollie and me Filch yeah well Filch it's lovely to meet you

I'll see you with the tribe of million kings gosh is that a yeah is that a If you gotta ask, you're never gonna be chief. Yeah, right. And I, like, look real big. Like, I puff up my chest. Oh, gosh, you're a big lady. Tell you what, look for this... What are you looking at? You folks here for the venting?

We're here for muster. What venting? Wait, what? It's a bit odd that you wouldn't know what the venting was. Actually, by you just saying that, let me say that these two other gangsters who are wearing Million Kings brands sort of notice you for the first time? That seems to be a very strange question to ask.

I sort of pipe out and was like, oh no, yeah, we're here for the venting. Yeah, don't mind her. She just drank 12 mid-strength beers. Yeah, she's crazy. Oh, we've got so much stuff to vent about. The sun is very hot. I have quite bad sunburn on my shoulders. Yeah, you guys treat your kangaroos terribly.

Anyway, no, McGrind will tell us all about the venting, won't you, robot? I am aware of venting. Go on, then. Venting. Noun. noun. It's definitely a verb. Well, actually... You don't know that because bunting is a noun. It's venting the same as bunting.

Sorry, venting was preceded by the definite article of the, so it's a fucking noun, you dead shit. But if you go, but if it's the definite article of the, so it's a fucking noun, you dead shit. But if it's the running of the race... OK, fine. Look, I'm not... It's actually a gerund. It's a noun version of the verb.

Oh, I see. Thank you. Thank you, Benny. Benny Davis. Benny Davis. No other room would that get a round of applause. He does cryptic crosswords. He's very smart.

Venting, the noun, is when... Yep, here I go. She goes on to tell you that venting is something of a festival here and it is the time once every season when the great filthy sluice gates of the sewerage system of Bris Vegas open in the sides of the walls and vent out not just garbage, refuse and those poor destitute souls that have lost their money at the Haystack Casino who were then snaffled up by the tribes as slaves but also just enough food, medicine and weapons to keep

this shanty town operating and to keep this casino, this town, the hub of activity and life in New South Queensland. Yeah, Sparky's not wrong. That's what the venting is, obviously, as you all knew. Yeah. Yeah. So a man in my line of work can pick up

a handful of healthy, you know, assets. Eh. So you just, they just come flooding down and you catch them? Well yeah sometimes they're all like oh no it's spinning but what happens the door's open. This is your first bloody venting you're gonna love it. Oh gosh someone's gonna get fingered. So the way it works is you've never seen it, it's beautiful. So those bloody great walls, and he points to the walls that are walling off the casino.

See those big doors? Every three months, they open. Out comes a bunch of plant matter, a bunch of, you know, detritus and some old tech. And out comes bloody the poor people have lost all their money in the casino they go whooshing out they're like oh no I thought I was going to space guess what you're slaves and I grab them and you know other slavers will clamour to grab them you put if you put a change on them first that's why I'm wearing this bloody business you put change on them

first you got got first tips. We're from a place where there are not many slaves. There are a lot of slaves around in this camp right now. Slaves that would like to be liberated by a hero. Okay, that's the second time you guys have said something very out of place

here. So at that point, you can see the huge figure rock upright. And unfortunately for you, enough sense came out of your mouthing and permeated the fog of pharmaceutical that is currently affecting him. He rouses himself to challenge you. Oh! Look at you, you're coming in right outside. You call yourself million kings? You're not even ten kings.

You're not even nine kings. You're not even... Oh. And he's gone again. I wonder if... We've never done this before, but do we have to subtitle the podcast? How would you do that, Michael?

I had a day. You idiot. You didn't think that through. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And as he does that, he sort of pulls a big bullwhip with pieces of metal attached to it,

and it clatters down as he rises unsteadily to his feet and points at you, Friso. I want to look at you. You look right. I'm going to bloody use this. Guess what I'm going to do? Okay, normally I would jump you right into combat, but he's going very slowly, so you do have the opportunity.

Someone's going to get fingered. Why? Why is that your go-to now? I go, I step forward. I go, no, we're cool. Me got slave. Me love having slave. And I push forward bobson. Okay, that is going to be a bluff check.

You are very, very drunk. But I do. It is my slave. I don't pay him. It is, but also bluffing is a charisma-based check so you have advantage. So go ahead and roll and you need to beat DC 15. One dice. Two dice. Whatever is the highest.

18. 18 will do it. I'm like a champion tonight. Bobson comes forward. Oh, gosh. I'm so bloody destitute. Oh, you got a little bit of a slime, eh?

Yep. Why? I've got a slime too. Show us. Alright, check him out. Who comes forward, Dave? Let's kill this guy. He pulls out of what you hadn't noticed before and had assumed was just filthy blankets. He pulls a big

lurch of a chain and out comes another goblin wearing a very tattered suit. He goes, Hello, master. Oh, sorry. Do you want something from me? I'll do it. I'm his slave. Obviously, I'm indentured and required to do

whatever you want. This slave, actually, you notice, Bobson, this slave is very familiar to you. Sounds like slave, actually, you know just Bobson. This slave is very familiar to you. Sounds like me, yeah. Is that? No. Is that Bobson Dugnut? It's me.

Dobson Dugnut. Class of 62. Class of 62. I can't believe. Look at us here. look at us here! Look at us here! Both out in Vegas, both slaves, both... Look at that! Oh my goodness! 62, do you remember, um, rah, rah, go the dogs?

If you don't a dog, you're out the box! Oh, the bloody good, the school kids, weren't they? The school, and now it's awful. Oh, look. What happened to you? What are you doing up here? Oh, well, look, you know, obviously I was out of work. I'm a slave.

It's not work. So I come down to bloody Vegas to do a bit of gambling, you know, and I'm in there. I'm losing my money, hand over fist. You know, things aren't looking good. So I've lost my money. They've put me in a waiting room and they've said, you've won a prize for running out of money.

You get to go to Freethigh. Well, that's great news. Yeah, but then the doors opened and I bloody sluiced out the sluice gates and here I bloody am. And Ollie's like, oh yeah, that's how it works. It's what I was describing before. So he's one of the dead yeah, that's how it works. That's what I was describing before.

So he's one of the dead shits that I was talking about. Suddenly a... Oh, sorry. Has this diffused the situation? Are we cool now? Yeah, you have. He's actually, if anything, the noise... If you want.

The noise lulled the maniac. I think we need to solve this more permanently. Do you mean slavery? Yeah. I mean... Friso steps forward and... You are in the middle of the Tribe of the Million Kings at Muster Point. There are gang all around you.

That's fine. All right. Friso accepts the challenge of the slaver. Ollie. He has a name. No, no, no. What's the... The enormous drunk man.

I think he's called Friendly Pete. Friendly Pete. Is he branded as a tribe of a million kings? Yep. Okay. And Friso says, As per the bylaws of the tribe of a million kings, all challenges are decided by a race around the shantytown on a battle route. And he offers up the battle route for the man to ride.

Okay. Go on, Pete. I've never seen a route I couldn't ride. He's very drunk, so I make a DC seven, I'm going to say. An easy bluff check. You've just got to beat a seven. How is this a bluff? Well, you don't...

Three. No, no, but what is your charisma? Oh, that's four. Seven. That will do it. Nice. So it is a bluff because you don't know the bylaws of this gang you've never met. Your confidence in this doesn't change the fact that you're always lying.

You just don't recognise it anymore. Okay, so I guess he agrees and... So Fraser says, I'll time you. You do a lap round. You've got to go out the gates and back. And when you get out the gates, you've got to shout, I'm out the gates and safely away from the main town. Yeah.

Yeah, bloody watch me, all right? Are you going to say a goodbye to your battle roo? No, that would be suspicious. OK. I say, see you soon, battle roo. Wink. And friendly Pete goes, looks into the pouch and says, come on, little fella.

We're going to bloody fang it out of here and win. Don't even worry about it. Reminding us that there is a child in the roo's pouch. All right, so he clumsily, drunkenly mounts the battle roo and it sets off at a belaboured hop and makes its way steadily out the gates of the muster and starts to crest around the town. Can I say those two, Ranger and...

Carl. The two people from the town's militia are like, a reminder that everybody would do well, like not making eye contact with him because they're cowards, but a reminder to everybody who may be listening that drinking and hopping is verboten. Prohibited. Anybody who... OK, no, great, well, we did our best.

Not advised. All right, Andy, he starts to hop away. Yeah, no. I'm out the gates and away from the town! Friso blows the shit out of this guy. He hits the little button on his seat and just... Did you set up like a radio transmitter on it? Did you remember to do that?

Hang on. It's an important question here. Wait. Did you just let this guy steal your room? And a lot of explosives? All right. How far away is he? Oh, you're going to have to run to catch him.

How far away is he? Like 100 feet, do you reckon? Yeah, he's about 90 feet out of the town at the moment. I cast Eldritch Spear, which has a range of 100 feet. Does that have any sparks? Yeah, that's got all kinds of sparks. Okay, he's moving fast. He's at long range.

Is Armour Class to stop being sniped by... No, no, no, I'm not hitting him. I'm hitting the road. Oh! He's driving the road. You know what? He's drunk. It's disadvantage.

You get advantage to hit him. I think he's DC 14 saving throw. No, no, no. This is Eldritch Blast, so it's just a touch attack. So I just need you to be 12, but you can have advantage. So it's pretty easy. Now, remember, if he wins this, it's very good because a guy who owned a slave and a very bad man is dead.

But also when you're cheering, remember that a kangaroo and its little baby is also dead. That has done nothing wrong. So I'd like the applause to be somewhat conflicted, if that's possible. Beat 12. 20! Kaboom!

Do you know what? That's a natural 20, which means somehow you hit the explosives in a way that causes a chain reaction far greater than it should have been and angled towards the compound that he's riding around. So the explosion actually, the brunt of it, well, let's be fair, the brunt of it is the kangaroo suffers, but the other brunt of it is suffered by him, I suppose,

but the third brunt, which is also important, is suffered by the wall. So the walls at that point buckle and crack and start to groan. And at that moment, huge drums start as a wailing ancient siren begins to sound. And at that noise, partly because of the huge explosion, everybody gets up. But what surprises you is they don't turn to the explosion.

They all look upwards, some of them holding crates and buckets as huge sluice gates in the walls above you begin, sirens around them begin to flash. We should run towards the crack and get in the wall that way. What about more slaves, though? I'm, I'm, I'm, is Friso anti-slavery? I think Friso's anti-slavery. He's like more about fealty.

Friso, your ethics are very interesting. Yeah, he's more about, he's more about personal fealty rather than, like than wholesale slavery. He's a small L libertarian. As the sluice gates open, Ollie stands up and goes, all right, here we go, I'm crazy for a slavey, let's go. And he runs with his kind of cadre of the skinny guy who's by the fire. Who was never really drawn as a character. Nah, but he's

there. I'm coming! Yeah. And they go to get the detritus of Svets come out. There's a lot of chaos. You guys have the opportunity to do something if you want to. You've got to make a decision. So there's a crack in the wall. It looks like it, but it's about 90 feet away to the side where this explosion has

happened and there's a lot of activity happening near the sluice gates. Meg Ryan, what should we do? Pipes up and is like Hey guys I have a friend on the inside we should stay clear of all this crap coming out of the wall

we don't need to run towards the crack. Is there another way in? Yes Did anybody in my chair squeak? I thought it was a robot thing It's very robot-y So appropriate

Yeah What's the way? McGryan, that's me We know! Uh, McGryan, that's me We know! Had a friend who works as a guard In one of these towers She was very fond of the nanny

And I played her lots of episodes I could parlay her love of Fran Fine Into an access point I feel like this information would have been helpful before I exploded my Rubik's... That's on you, pal. Well, do we lose anything by moving towards the sluicing? I think you're going to have to make a decision, basically.

I think we follow Meg Ryan's plan. Okay, what was Meg Ryan's plan? I'll get my cool friend to help us. Where is your cool friend? She is in Tower 4. How do we access Tower 4? And then Meg Ryan puts her arm in the air and does a cool hand gesture. And then up in the guard tower you see this bad bitch bitch in the window who like gives her a

look I want you this is very highly irregular but I want you to describe this bad bitch gosh she's real cool she is very she she looks like a guard from Orange is the New Black. Does she have a nose ring? No. Oh. Does she look like Lauren Lapkus? Okay, so, yeah, so you can see that Meg Ryan has made contact with somebody. Or does she look like Pawnstache?

But it's quite high. But like a woman. Oh, like a woman with a Pawnstache. But this is quite high up. So the compound walls have towers on the corners. This is the closest corner. And you can see that there is indeed a figure up there in one of these watchtowers. How high up are we talking?

It's like 20 feet up, though. 20 feet up. 20 feet. Meg Ryan. Jinx, buy me a Coke. Can you fly? Worth asking. No, I cannot.

Meg Ryan, you keep saying you're super strong. Could you throw me up to that tower? Can I throw him up in that tower? You can try. Let's do it. Do I get to roll a dice? Okay, all right. We don't have a dwarf, but we do have a halfling.

We've got a bloody bobbin. Oh, you could throw... Oh, wait, what about Dobson Bobnut? Now, Dobson Bobnut is essentially... Dobson Bugnut is essentially Bobson if he had been severely malnourished for a week, therefore slightly lighter. And now he's free, like the genie.

Oh, freedom! Sweet freedom! Oh, what am I going to do with my life now? Oh, boy, the possibility for England. And he's got a good throwing chain. He's got, like, a nice leverage chain. Oh, what am I going to do with my life now? Oh boy, the possibility for England. And he's got a good throwing chain. He's got like a nice leverage chain. I put his head between my hands and I kiss him on the forehead

and I say, Dobson, you're going to... No, that's him. Oh, no, wait, it's me. You were right. I slap him for insubordination. Oh, sorry. Dobson, I say, you're going to touch the stars. Would you say that the length of chain attached to him is 20 feet long? Yes, let's say he has 20 feet of chain.

Nice. Coiled up around inside the filthy bedding because their joke, the thing they used to like to do is hoon around the compound, making him run behind their car. Oh, those were the days. And then I scoop him up. Sorry, no wait, he was into that? Yeah, well you know, it was better than

the fingering. Stockholm Syndrome. Sorry, sorry. That joke is done. Yeah, so then I scoop up Dobson and I toss him to McGryan. So you guys are doing it together? Ohon and I toss him to Meg Ryan. So you guys are doing it together?

Oh, yeah, I guess you could join forces. Oh, I thought she was just going to do it. Oh, yeah, right, let's do it. All right, okay, great. So you've got assistance, which is advantage. We'll use Filch's strength because it's the strongest. So, Filch, you're going to throw a goblin 20 feet up in the air. That's a moderate check.

That's 15, but you have advantage, so you need to roll an 11 or higher on one of two dice, which is... 17. No, I'm just... I'm really sorry, but you are also very drunk. Oh, I thought you said I had advantage. You did have advantage,

so you have to roll one more of those and get 11. Hang on, Dave, how far away are they from the wall? Are you drawing a parabola? No, how far away are they from the wall? Well, they're about 20 feet. Ben's drawing a triangle. What's the height of the wall? 90 feet up.

They don't have to make 90 feet. They need to make 20 by 90. It's not 90 feet up. It's 20 feet up. It'd be 400 and then it'd be 800. Oh, look, it's not. Just roll the dice. Welcome to the math, friends.

A bit of grammar, a bit of math. I'm sorry to have not let you do it the first time, but you need to roll an 11. Just one dice. 19. Yeah. Sailing through the air like a newly emancipated pigeon. Whistling and positively giddy and enjoying this far more than he should,

your newfound goblin friend flies up to the air where he is caught by that bad bitch of a security guard who grabs him by the collar and drags him inside while 20 feet of chain lie along the side of the wall. I've never felt so alive! What the fuck are you playing at? She says and chokeslams him into the ground. Oh, this isn't, I'm back, hello! Look, I'm from, Meg Ryan sent me. Yeah, I saw McGryan down there, but you're not her. I apparently am not. But he wants you to let them in.

Oh, that's a great idea. Why did I do that and lose my job? Well, look what I need. Look, I'm sorry. They didn't inform me of their plans before they threw me up here. Don't you think they maybe should have done that? Honestly, I wasn't involved. So then can Meg, can Meg Ryan just start playing the nanny theme song?

And it like soothes her and then... All right. Like on loudspeaker? Yeah, okay. Meg Ryan... Does she like open her mouth? Meg Ryan... And then like the nanny theme song comes out?

Yeah, I think the nanny theme song has to come through. Yeah, so what does that sound like? Bear in mind, as you hear this, I want you to imagine, because at this moment the sluice gates open, and as a gentle curtain of human waste falls behind McGryan with occasional heavy thumps of medicine and guns, you can hear this coming out of the robot's stupid mouth. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! you can hear this coming out of the robot's stupid mouth.

And then that's all she needs. She's like, oh dear. I guess, I guess. But before I think to the landfill store, she was there to sell makeup. But the fast and the little more, she got far, sheffield store, she was there to sell make-up, but the father thought it was more, she got far, she had a plan, she was there, so Daphne became the nanny! I guess...

I guess... Watch out Cece! So Joie de vivre! But everybody else is wearing pain Everybody The flashy girl from Flashy The nanny, my friend And so, so, so yeah

The lady goes like I guess I should take a leaf out of the Sheffield's book. You're not what I wanted. Sure, in the way that she was there to sell makeup, you're here to be confusing. You say more. But I, like Mr Sheffield, see more.

And she pulls him into the kind of guard tower and kind of hides him. Ties him to a post. Kind of hides him and goes like, you need to tell me exactly what you need because I'm off in about ten minutes' time. And if I don't make my rotation, people are going to ask questions. Well, they said something about you opening the door. I think I'm going to start climbing that chain. Okay, great. She works out what's going on and grabs hold.

You don't weigh very much and make a quick climbing check. Athletics check. DC? 19. Excellent. You scurry. Bobby, you're now part of the conversation. Hello, bad bitch. Hey,urry. Bobby, you're now part of the conversation. Hello, bad bitch.

Hey, how many more of you? I don't know how much this guy's neck can take. Is there anything in the room that we can wrap it around? Yeah, sure, but that feels like a hassle. You're right. Guys, come on up. Who's next? Phil should do it.

I'll go next. If Baston climbs this chain, will it pop the guy's heads off? Probably, yeah. All right. I like Dobson. Off I go. Okay, athletics check, DC 14. 20.

No way. Is that 20 or is that one? That's a 20, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm the best. Which means that you manage... As soon as you pull the thing, he flies out of her hands, but because you rolled a 20, he gets wedged in the corners

and is in a way that is secure and doesn't kill him. Oh, yeah, he spins around one of the... Like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Yeah, like a Looney Tunes. And you are able to scamper up. Again, you guys have very little time because the filth is already starting to clear and the slaves are being ejected like so much human flotsam out the sluice gates, which are now beginning to close.

Would you say they're more flotsam or jetsam? Boom. Is everything flying? Like, can I pick up a gun, perchance? Is there a gun at my feet? There's always guns with you, isn't there? You've got heaps of guns. You've got so many guns.

I never have a gun. All right, you know what? You find an old, rusty Kalashnikov rifle. Great. Do you know what that is? It's a Russian gun. Oh, well done. It's rusty, and it's a rifle.

All right, well done. Yeah, you find that. You have a clip of about 30 bullets. Oh, a clip. Good. And now quickly, you guys assume make your way up. So Friso and Filch and... And Meg Ryan.

All right, I'm going to... He's so securely tied that even if... You're going to jump this whole time? I just jump like Wonder Woman. Oh, yeah, Meg Ryan, you've got the boosters in your feet, so you jump... She can fly high. She can fly! You jump right up there. Technically, you've got the boosters in your feet. She can fly high. She can fly!

You jump right up there. What about Bobson? Well, Bobson's still on the ground. What do you do? He scurries on up. All right, make your little check if you want it. DC 14. You have a strength of minus one, so you need a 15.

That's a D12, you dingus. Use this one. Bobson's staying where he is. Make sure nobody touches my motorbike. It's probably for the best. We can only really deal with one of them. So, Dobson stays on the ground. I'll catch up with you.

Yeah, good, good. But the other dragon friends, we will quickly just make your checks, guys. Hing's up. 17. 17. Oh, that piece got up, but poor Dobson. And everybody's up. Great.

So you guys all make your ways up. And already as the sluice gates begin to close, you can see with the sun beating down on you that the city lies ahead. And where all below was filthy, disgusting, and riddled with decay and rust, ahead is a shining city, tacky and gaudy and expensive-looking, that forms the inner compound of what is now called Briz Vegas. Ahead, on the distance, the city on the hill is the Haystack Casino, and shining out beyond is the needle, the destination that you seek,

but the way still is long ahead. For how can four such as you, with a jumping robot, a new goblin that looks suspiciously like the old one, and more weapons that you can shake an AK-47 at, find a way forward to find out the answers to questions such as these? Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends! Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner and are DM'd by me, Dave Harmon

with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website and the podcast is edited, the theme written by and all live music performed by Mr Benny Davis.