Dragon Friends - #3.12. I'm Going to Shoot Your Friends with Tom Walker

Episode Date: August 2, 2017

Freeside... shining city of splendour in the sky. The Dragon Friends are closer than they've ever been to Johnny Playstation and the salvation he represents - but how to find him in this teeming, gilded playground of the rich? And that old cursed arcade machine was probably fine, right?Featuring special guest Tom Walker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The first thing you hear as you make your way back to consciousness is a polite cough. You open your eyes and your head spins for a moment as the shapes of the Skyway Lounge slowly coalesce in front of you. The five of you are sprawled on the ground and sheepishly get to your feet as you notice that you are not alone. The cough you heard before has come from a surprisingly young looking attendant gnome whose shorts, cravat and peaked cap mark him as an employee of the lounge. Above him a hololithic display. I'm sorry did did you? Okay. No, it's fine, it's fine. Above him, the hololithic display blinks incessantly.

Next trip to Freeside, three minutes. The attendant coughs again. Ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem. I'm so sorry to bother you. Ahem. I'm so sorry to bother you. I see you've been availing yourself of the tube of annihilation amusements. But it has been two hours and you are required upstairs.

In heaven? Oh my gosh, did we die? Oh, the stream did not go well. One by one, that was Let's Say to Bobby. One by one, you all open your eyes. So Friso, Phil, Dobson, even you, Bastogne, you wake up. Oh, when we meet again. Alive! Wait, I'm going to wake up saying the last thing I say in the Tomb of Annihilation,

which I haven't said yet. Okay, so work it out. That's 12 weeks from now. In 12 weeks, I'm going to say... Oh, so much pressure. Okay, that's what you're going to say. No, I'm going to say, it was with us all along. All right, someone write it down.

By upstairs. Remember. By upstairs. Remember. By upstairs, of course, the gnome is referring to Freeside. And the dragon friends, for once, are expected. There is no subterfuge necessary. The attendant checks his registry, and indeed all of your names have been recorded on the Needles travel manifest.

Courtesy of your expedition to London Zogbank. And you have first class tickets booked on the Needle which takes about three hours to ascend. First class, mind you. Now Dobson doesn't have these tickets, it occurs to me, so... I'm just a gambler. Give him some credits and see if he can just make his life down here. Look, yeah, look, I don't need to go.

Anybody cash? I'll just... Look, I'm confident that just give us a sniff and I can make it back. Two minutes until Freeside. You've got to make a choice. Do you guys want it? I need your credits. You can't use the chips up on Freeside, Frieza.

Why don't you give him some of your chips? No. Oh, I've got chips. Just go on. Just give him a little snack. A little chippy dippy. You have 3,990 chips. I don't think we should be giving him chippy dippies.

I'll give you... Ah. Oh, come on, chip. I'm hungry for it. I say to Frieza's sister, Dobson, close your eyes and open your hands. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, Chip. I'm hungry for it. I say to Freezer Sister Dobson, close your eyes and open your hands. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. And he places a shiny set of maracas in Dobson's hands. When did you get a shiny set of maracas?

When we robbed him from the camp. Oh, God, you did too. All right. All right, you get a pair of maracas. Well, I can't... Yeah, go on. I can probably... I can shake it with my money maker. I can shake it till I make it.

I put my hand on his shoulder and I say, Dobson, you're going to be best maraca player in all of... Where are we? New South Queensland. New South Queensland. New South Queensland. Look, that doesn't bloody feed to the bloody habit. Daddy's hungry. Daddy's got to gamble.

Shake it out, I say. Shake it out and we back into the elevator. With tears pouring down his face, the last thing you see is Dobson Bagnut, unreformed gambler, shaking his moneymaker next to an embarrassed gnome in an empty arcade parlour. This is so much worse than giving him money. Is it?

Three hours of luxury later, and you have ascended to the top of the needle. You already feel that the gravity seems strange, almost artificial. Something seems off kilter that makes you realise that you are now in low geosynchronous orbit above Australia. Suspended only by a gossamer of steel and chrome. Can we jump real high? You can jump a little bit higher, yeah. Nice.

Do we get a hit die back and stuff? Yeah, that was three hours, so you all get a hit die back. And you even, you know what? That's almost four. You can have your spells back. Yes! And as you make, he said a little advisably,

as you make your way up, you find yourself with another, this time another elf who is standing in the shorts, cravat, et cetera, uniform of the needle who is there to check your papers. Hello, who was there to check your papers. Hello, I'm here to check your papers.

You may have met my twin brother. That's why we have the same voice. He's below, I'm above. He was a gnome. That's actually our name. Wait, yeah, he was a gnome. You're an elf, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, sorry, sir.

I suppose you've never heard of adoption. But why do you have the same voice? Look, I could say... You did say twin brother. I could say... All right, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I could stand here and get in a nature-nurture debate with Sir as much as I'd like,

but I would like to check your papers, please. We gave them to your twin brother. And he gave them back. Oh, we have them. I'm like, OK, I got them. I'm just so used to lying and not having stuff. And he takes them and he goes, all of these seem to be in order. Yes.

Yeah, they do, don't they? Let's see your adoption papers. Show us the birth certificate! Show us the birth certificate! Show us the birth certificate! He presses a few buttons on a small data pad that he has and all your names blink green green but then he sees a little notification at the top of the screen that is

pulsing with a red exclamation mark. Oh. I'm terribly sorry. This is highly irregular. Just one moment please and he taps away while he talks to his manager. For the podcast, that was Ben and Dave conferring.

So after talking to his manager... Dave. His very patient manager. Sorry, that's just from my... He's sort of a rules goblin. You know how it is. Look, it turns out there's been a bit of a situation down below. So Freeside's actually in lockdown.

Not to fear, though, we will get you into your quarters ASAP. But please avail yourself of the lounge in the meantime. And he gives you, again, some drink tickets and a... Is that transferable, you reckon? I don't know what you asked. These are the beautiful chrome drink tickets. Everything here is nice. How many do we get?

You get two drinks each. And I'd just like to say, if sirs or madams or whatever else would like to have more drink tokens, please, I'm here for that. I see. Are these good for all of Freeside? Of course they are, yes. What was your name?

Sorry? What was your name? You're above? I'm above, yes. Above. Hello, I'm Freezo. Hi, Freezo. Yes, you would know that from my papers, obviously.

Of course, yes. First of all, it is lovely to meet another elf. It is so nice to meet an elf. There's quite a few up here in Freeside so it's less of a novelty for me. Down below, there are not many of us, so we've got to stick together, don't we?

Defend our heritage, you know? I'm not entirely convinced about what you're... I think he identifies as Goblin. Oh. I was raised by a goblin family so it's a little bit of a... And your brother's a gnome. Sorry.

And your brother's a gnome. Yeah, so parents... So, parents goblins. Yeah. I'm an elf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twin brother. Yeah, gnome.

No. Raised as twins. Twin brother, a gnome. So, what I'm... I guess I'm trying to say is I don't see race. Oh. Ew. Raised to not see race. Unfortunately, that's literally all I see.

So listen, I'm such a big fan of this whole schmuzzle going on up here. Sure, yes. You know how when you're young and you go in a big plane and the pilot goes, hey, little freezer, why don't you come look at the cockpit and we'll show you a good time? And you go, yeah. And you go, yeah.

Yeah. You know that? You were raised in a fantasy temple. Oh. But go on. I'm just such a big fan of Freeside. I would absolutely love to see the control room where it all goes on,

where all the sides get free. Well, of course. Yes. Well, it's a wonderful place. I actually, in my induction, saw the control room. It's marvellous. Unfortunately, we are under quarantine. But you're a big elf.

Oh, I'm absolutely not, no. I'm very much lower middle management, and I'm quite happy with that. Even if we weren't under quarantine, I should say, that would be absolutely out of the question. So, look, we can pick up this discussion later if you prefer, but please make your way... Are there any security guards around?

Well, the doors are sort of blast shields and bolted shut. And he's, like, totally chill with us being dressed as security guards, right? Your paper's checked out. The Zogbanger doesn't lie. Can you tell us what actually happened down the haystack? All I've got actually here is the flashing icon is just breakout slash mischief. Oh.

Breakout mischief. Oh, sorry. And if I could just... Murder. Well, it's sort of murder, yes. It's sort of murder. It's all the same button from mischief to murder. It seems like somebody's peripheral was terminated.

Oh. A peripheral, you say? Yes. Now, I'm going to cast Witch Bolt at this man. Oh, are you? Did you just say that out loud? Dave. Yes.

Can Baston smell Johnny PlayStation? No, hang on. Bastion's the only one who really cares about Johnny. What sense of smell do you think... He's just like... You can smell beautifully scrubbed Atmos, but you cannot smell the... Go on, let me roll, Dave.

Let me roll. You know what? No, you can't. Johnny's not here. So Hing's casting Witch Bolt. You're casting Witch Bolt? I think we need to kill this guy to get through, don't we? Or should we just get as many free drinks as we can?

All right, how long will this be in lockdown for? Oh, I just couldn't say. I mean, like I say. Could you ask your rules, Goblin? Your manager tells you probably just a couple of hours. Probably just a couple of hours. You got any pinball machines? Oh, a wonderful collection. We have the Jurassic Park pinball

machine. We have the Frighteners pinball machine, which I saw once, which I thought was odd given that that wasn't a very big film at all, but it had a pinball machine. Is there a home improvement one? In answer to your question, they know. There has to be.

There is a home improvement pinball machine, of course. I played it. With four handles. So, yes, they have three pinball machines. Okay, so you... What are you doing? Are you going to murder him or are you going to have a drink? No, we'll have a drink.

All right. And then we'll murder him. Okay, so you make your way into a large circular room and again, you cannot help but notice how beautiful this space is, how high tech it is. So the glitzy trash of Bris Vegas, the sort of grubby Mad Max knockoff aesthetic thing we had going on is well and truly behind you. Freeside is a state-of-the-art satellite

for the richest and most perfectly born, the most wonderfully engineered citizens of this, the sixth age. It's a super atmospheric gated community for the 0.1%, and even then, only the really oldest families, the Akamatsu clan, the Tessier Ashpulls, even it is rumoured... The Hings? Did the Hings make it to Freeside, Dave?

The Hings wouldn't even get a bloody look in Freeside. Do it that way you will, Hing. No, it is rumoured that even this is the final habitation of Vos Saito himself. So this is all... This is a super gated community. And as you make your way into the lounge, you see a beautiful decadent space full of rich,

sort of ancient extinct woods and mahogany. The sort of awful trash. Brisbane Vegas looked clean compared to the desert, but now it looks filthy, scummish and awful. Oh, can I ask a question? Yes. Is there a bartender in here? There is a robotic bartender and he's only half of him.

Oh, I'll go up to him and can I just... I don't know if I should ask you or the bartender, but who owns Freeside? Is there a corporation that owns Freeside or is it its own entity? Well, Mac, I don't know much about much. I come in here, I do my job, people ask me, Mac, I don't know much about much. I come in here.

I do my job. People ask me their problems. I tinkle around on the peony. You come in here, but you don't have any legs. I crawl in here. Look, Freeside is owned by a conglomerate. The Space Needle is, of course, owned by Horizon, and then various companies can buy parts of it. Horizon has a section.

Boss Saito obviously has a section. You are currently in the, thanks to the quarantine, of course, the communal living space. This is a huge area as well, like two levels at least. And this bartender is not alone. This room is full of toffs, basically. There are people walking around. Bartender?

Bartender? Yes. Is that a robo-bartender? Is that a different bartender? Yes. Bartender? Yes. Bartender? Yes. Bartender?

Yes. Fix me, fix me a frightened turtle. One part absinthe, one part green chartreuse, shaken with a turtle. shaken with a turtle. And as you can see, this is a playground of the Uber wealthy. Now you each have two drink tokens.

Oh, I want to order a drink. Go ahead. From the robot. Bartender. Yes, ma'am. Can me have a... Bartender, I'd like to order one security pass, please. Creme de cassis.

Poured over a rock an actual rock here you are bartender I'm still thinking can I order the most expensive drink in the house

that this ticket will get me and out of out of his belly like it opens up and a like a like an urn comes out and a spout comes out and liquid gold pours into it.

It's one hachi bachi for you, sir. That will be one million credits. And a hand of the drink token. Credits. And I hand him the drink token. Watch out. And out of the other thing comes out some, like, hot gloves that you have to put on to drink. Okay.

I let it cool and I keep my one million credits worth of drink in my pocket. All right. Well done. worth of drink in my pocket. All right, well done. You have bested... Bartender! Can we have a gin and tonic? Yes, Gordons or Hendrix.

That's all we have. I've talked to the management, but the choice is abysmal. Hendrix with one fish. The bar does not recommend... I want a fish swimming in it. No, please, no. That's the terrible garnish. Me got the token!

I am so sorry. That's the terrible garnish. Me got the token. I am so sorry. Sometimes there are robotic protocols kicking. You know the ones like can't cause a human harm. That's one of the things. The fourth law of robotics. Makes it real hard for a bartender. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, I'm a human.

I just don't have any legs. Tell me, this crowd here... Hey, I'm just going to fix their gin and tonic and fish. He makes it... Was that Hendrix or Gordon's? Hendrix. Was that goldfish or a little fighting fish? Fighting fish. Alright.

I'm going to give him a friend. There you go. Stirs it up all nice. You just killed two fish. Not yet. She will. Sorry, you asked a question, young man. Yeah, well, there's some interesting characters and we're going to be stuck here for a little while.

I'd like to have an interesting chat. Interesting, yeah. See that guy over there? Yeah? Yeah. Interesting, yeah. See that guy over there? Yeah. Yeah. He invented shoes. That lady over there? Yeah. She copyrighted the book. What, the technology of the book?

Nobody thought to do it. Yeah, right. All these authors were like, I've written a book. It's my copy. She was like, no, no. Is that a book? They're like, yeah. She's like, buh, buh, it's my cop. She was like, no, no. Is that a book? They're like, yeah. She's like, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

What about that guy over there? That guy over there? Yeah, he got real rich in the cum mines. Who's the most influential person here? Well, I guess the most influential person is about to come on stage. And as he says that, the lights begin to dim in the room and you quickly

scurry to a vacant booth and sit down because already you can see as huge lights show Johnny PlayStation emerges like a phoenix! Eww! Oh! I feel great and so do you!

Come on! Oh my god, is it really him? Oh my god, it's him! I love you, Johnny! I've never been to a Johnny Blake! I'm never feeling good, yeah, I like feeling nice Choosing between good or bad, no, I don't think twice Oh yeah, come on baby, give me some of that I'm having a good time and I'm also a cat Me meow, me meow, me meow, me meow, me meow

That's what I say I like to have a good time. And then I play. Oh, this has been thrown off badly. Oh, God, here comes the breakdown. Feel line. Feeling fine. Show me yours. I'll show you mine.

Come on, get it out. Let me see it. What do I mean? You're a smile demon. Me meow. Me meow. Me meow. Me meow. Me meow. Me, meow. Me, meow. Me, meow. Me, meow.

Me, meow. Me, meow. Me, meow. Everybody, it's easy. Me, meow. Me, meow. Me, meow. Me, meow. meow Me meow

Me meow Me meow Me meow Me meow Now it's this side Meow Me meow This side

Me meow Me meow Tom Me Tom Now just everyone who can do 20 push-ups. Me now. Tom, we've had enough fun.

Me now. Me now. Me now. Me now. Tom, can we have our show back, please? Me now. Me now. Oh.

Are we in it? The four of you watched entranced through 45 minutes of the most amazing pop concert you have ever seen as waves of pure euphoria and waves of chemical euphoria, of course enhanced by his bio-empath harness, wash over you. What emotion were we feeling then? Was it me-how? It was both

me and yow. In equal measure, once and again back and forth like waves. Do you have lyrics written on your hand? Okay, fine. Is it me and yow? There are actual lyrics but it's It's like waves on the beach. Do you have lyrics written on your hand? Yeah, tell me what's written on your hand. Okay, fine. Is it me and yeah? No. There are actual lyrics, but it's hard to hear

over the sound of the rapturous applause that Johnny PlayStation has. When it started, I was just completely thrown off. Oh, yeah, that's good. Hello. Two. He doesn't have a microphone. He's got his microphone on. He's got a microphone.

He's got his headset. That's right. He's got a headset mic on. For those at home, I am wearing a Madonna microphone and there are two smoke machines. And that is not a joke. We asked for confetti cannons and the venue said, absolutely not.

Yeah. They were very emphatic on that point. Tom Ballard got them. Yeah. So after 45... After 45 moments, 45 minutes of rapturous... The people at home, Dave just got pranked by a smoke machine. After 45 minutes of rapturous music

and even more rapturous feelings, Johnny heads to what is presumably a dressing room for his first of many costume changes and encores, and the lights come up, and you can see that the energy in the room is electric. Can we see backstage from where we are? That's famously what backstage is for. Fair, fair.

Can we see sort of the entrance to backstage from where we are? Can we see where Johnny Clay Station went? Actually, no, you can't because at the end of it he struck a pose and there was a pulse of light and a million doves were released. And he seemed to vanish. A million doves? A billion! Johnny Clay Station disappeared.

He was like, sorry about the doves. Are the doves just like in the room now? They're terrified and they're shitting everywhere. And they're very small? They're very small. Because there's a million of them. They're about the size of your thumb. I grab like a handful of them. You kill a handful of doves. Oh!

Oh! Can we kill them? Alright. Freezer will cast burning hands at the doves. What kind of hit points does the thumb dove have? Not many. All right.

Well, I cast Burning Hands at them then. Well, it's interesting that you should say that because as you draw those shapes, Eldritch, yet familiar to you, something strange happens, which is... I get two million hit points. These sigils do not form, and you realise that something

has caused your connection to the plane of magic to be severed. Oh no! Out of space? Wait, wait. Can we get a ruling? Is he allowed to do that? I'll get fucked. You're all... What, so the dam can be like, nah, you're not a warlock anymore.

What the fuck? No, everybody Dave, what about me? You too, I'm afraid Even gentle Bobby, your arcane trickster magic has departed you That's so useful it was Alright, well, I'm just going to kill a small dove to see if I get the hit points anyway I kill one small dove Do I feel healthier?

How do you catch it and how do you kill it? I just, well there's a million and it's an enclosed space. You just run around a bunch. I don't know. I feel something. You run around with your mouth open. In the tube where there's just money blowing everywhere. I'm trying to catch money in the tube.

His mouth open and he's running full pelt. Okay, no, you kill a dove and then the vents at the top, the rest of the doves escape back to some hatchery in the special effects department. I mean, some of them do. Baston's going to go backstage. How's Baston?

All right, you make your way... I'm wearing a security boy outfit. You make your way to a door by the stage and as you do, two figures that were lounging in incredibly expensive stoops... Stoops? Do you like our stoots? These were

specially designed. They're Armani. They're by Armani. They're Armani stoots. These two are impeccable Armani stoots. They're like suits, right, but they're boots

stitched in. Yeah, so it's... The trouser leg goes straight to a bear. Yeah, you don't need to tell me what a stute is. I'm wearing one. I come up and I'm like, Bonjour, mes amis. They have some very

nice stutes you're wearing. Is that... Raoul Chang? Oh my god. Can we just have a tiny little huddle here for a second here? Yeah, would you like a sorry. Would you like a photo with me? Yeah, I would. Just one second. What the? Is that?

But isn't he in Prague? Oh yeah, for the collection launch. Yeah, I like just. Yeah, I've got it here on the live stream. Here, here. Yeah, look. He pulls out a tiny phone, and in it you can see Raoul Chamglen receiving a Lifetime Achievement CFDI Award. Like, that's live, right?

Congratulations, Mr Chamglen. No, wait! No, I don't think you've taught this through. Wait, how are you doing this? I don't know if you are familiar with a little talent called Glitter Gleam. She has manifested an hologram for me to do all the business that I do not want to do instead. I like to come here and just...

Glitter Gleam appears on the screen on stage next to Raoul Chamberlain. I'm very confused. No, wait, like she's doing that there? Like next to her? Clearly that there is also a hologram of her. Wait, so you are... Oh, no, I'm not going to... Move.

Like, when I went into this chat, I was like, he likes my clothes because I forgot the word that I invented. Astute. Astute. I forgot it, but now I know. That's not very astute of you. Hello.

That's a mixed response is what that is. You're getting booed. I'm also getting cheered. I'm also getting cheered. Split the room, then a cheer. I like that one. Anyway, do you need to do a saving roll or something? Yeah, a persuasion check.

Why don't you make a disadvantaged persuasion roll? Because the evidence is in front of their eyes that you may be lying. He got a 13 and a 2. A 2 will not make it. No, something does not seem right about this. I'm no scientist. No, he's not. But he tried once.

He told me that he wouldn't get the marks. No, he didn't He went to science school And they went I work really hard And he did And it was so sad Because he just did not

Have the aptitude They took me aside And said We're sorry But you're a dumb dumb Yeah And so they took him To another school

Where he learned To get very very strong And that's what he does now A bell starts ringing Which is the universal sign For people to make their way back to their seats. Oh, well, clearly I am the hologram, so excuse me.

Okay. I love your 2060 collection. I guess a hologram isn't going to do any harm. Probably not. What's that? If he's a hologram. Is Baston still standing there?

Yep. Can he have snuck past them in the hubbub? Look, they were very confused between the screen. Why don't you quickly make a stealth check for me? I just want to get an autograph. Eight. An eight? No, no, so you did not make your way through.

Not stealth. So as the lights are about to dim again, just again to paint the room, you see the stage where Johnny PlayStation has been performing. There is a door to the side with two security guards in Armani suits. There is the bar and otherwise the doorway leading back into the arrival lounge. And the bell's gone off to go back to the arrival lounge?

In like a couple of minutes, yeah. Okay, let's just wait for the concert. Let's wait for the second part of the concert to start. But... Do you have a second song? I see what you're doing. I think you'll find it'll be an encore of

Johnny PlayStation's next hit, Feelings, open bracket, me meow. So just to be clear, are they sending everyone back down or are they opening the doors to Freeside? No, no, no, no. The doors to Freeside are still not open. Sorry, it's going boom, boom, boom.

So where's it going? I don't get it. I've got a plan. Oh, it's a xylophone. All right, I've got a plan. Oh, it's a xylophone. All right, I've got a plan. So, Friso, in his equipment list... Yes.

He has his original gun, Benny Davis. Yes. Named after the famous axe murderer. Axe murderer. Which he got a replica of when we got our weapons. Mr Sour's Christmas gift, yes. But he also has something I've written down here called Beanie Davis.

Yeah. Which I believe is a shotgun that calls the police. It is. Now, that was a replacement for... For the original Benny Davis. So you have Beanie Davis. I have Beanie Davis and Benny Davis. I'm going to fire the beanbag shotgun in the air

to summon the police. Fire the beanbag shotgun in the air to summon the police. We're never doing a game with guns again. You guys are gun crazy. No, I'm not. I'm firing in the air to kill the pigeons. No, I'm firing in... No, that's fine. I'm firing in the air so as not to hurt anyone.

All right, so you fire Beanie Davis, which is a beanbag launcher. It's a non-lethal gun anyway. You fire it... Oh, in that case, I shoot Bobby. You fire itanie Davis, which is a beanbag launcher. It's a non-lethal gun anyway. Yeah. You fire it. Oh, in that case, I shoot Bobby. You fire it into the air. And the crowd, it sounds like a shotgun. And so the crowd scream.

And at that moment, three things happen very quickly. Everybody in the crowd dashes down under tables and chairs, scared for their lives. Also, the two security guards pull slim line, sort of long, slim rods that you can't quite see out of their jacket pockets. Have you got your rod? Rod and ready.

Rod and ready. And also, what looked like The two statues Of Playstation On either side of the stage One of them winces And looks around And you realise It was actually Playstation

Who all through the interval Had hidden as a statue As he stumbles Back onto the stage So How many cops How many cops are called You're in Freeside

No cops were called. No, no, no. That's not quite true. Ari's Microtechnology does... Yeah, because they own part of the... They and Knight Systems are like the two biggest security groups across the world. They're huge megacorporations.

So they probably do do security in Freeside as well. But you don't know because this was a sergeant's gun. But it's now humming and it's vibrating and there's a green light flashing on it. Freeside's just going to make an announcement to everyone being like, look, as you can see, I'm a security member from downstairs and there has been

an incident on the below side in the Haystack Casino. Look, what we are doing is we're actually looking for a fugitive. He caused a riot at a concert a couple of weeks back. His name is Johnny PlayStation. Now, the police are going to be here momentarily and we are going to take him away to safety.

Alright, what are you two stoop men doing? Okay, like, that does not make any sense to me. What? Like, his face is like, it's on posters and stuff. This is a concert for him. I know. This is his concert.

But he's wanted back. He's wanted back. Yeah, but why did you say, like, oh, I don't know if you've heard of him. Like, everybody's here to see him. He's wanted. He's wanted in a lot of places. He's very famous. Yeah, it's like, you see, like, I want him right now, I'm just saying.

Yeah, I'd have him. And he does, like, a little coquettish. All three of you, you have a very small amount of time because they are walking towards you and they click their rods together and you realise that these are sort of strange plastic pistols. Yeah, they're like strange plastic pistols. I'm going to shoot you. I wouldn't bother shooting me because I'm an hologram,

so it's a waste of bullets. I'm going to shoot your friends. OK. Can I... How close am I to Johnny PlayStation? Pretty close. Your whole... Your little table was right near the stage.

I sidle up to him and I say, Johnny, it me, Glitter Gleam. Hologram. No, it isn't. Yeah, let's go backstage and smooch. No, thank you. And Bastard pops up and goes, how about me? That's not likely.

But this is D&D, so I'm going to make it easy for you. You just need to make for me a wisdom saving throw. And I'm going to call it DC seven. He's very stupid. Yeah, yeah, I know. He's minus one to wisdom, but... He's beautiful. I'm just going to beat seven.

Okay, I'm rolling. That is a 13. Oh, good. All right, you know what? What she's putting down. Oh, no thank you. I tackle him to the ground. Easy, all right.

Doing what you know best, that's going to rush us into combat so oh it's not a combative one it's like a big hug you've dived to the stage a giant half-orc fine other people may not get the finesse

of what you're talking about so first up again as usual actually it's you Bobby well I rush up to one of the stootmen First up, again, as usual, actually, it's you, Bobby. Well, I rush up to one of the stootmen, and I'm like,

eat doves! And I just throw a pitiful of dead doves into their eyes. Which one, me or Eden? You. Okay. All right, now, you're disadvantaged. Because I've got dead doves in my eyes. Yes, you were not expecting that. I think that's a Johnny PlayStation song. When I've got dead doves in my eyes. You were not expecting that.

I think it's a Johnny PlayStation song. When I cry doves. Bastan, you're next. He wants to hug Johnny PlayStation 2. Okay, that's what you want. Pile on. What do you do? Just pile on. Just get involved.

Just wants to smell his hair. Grapple for me. Athletics? Contested by your athletes. Three. Three. I don't know how far. He's just overexcited.

Seven. All right. Not very gracefully, but cover-coated as you are in sort of theatrical gel. I get a girlfriend is more than a friend who's a girl. I just want you to know that I know that. Oh, thank you. It's always nice to meet a fan. All right, Ben, your stuteman is sort of...

I've got dubs in my eyes. Yes, you're fine. This is the worst. What does your one do? Oh, shoots freezer. All right, great. Make an attack. 11. 11. 14 is the armour class

I missed Yeah, you've got plus 2 So the next one up is you, Frieza So have the cops arrived yet? Not this turn Okay, so in that case Frieza is just going to keep sort of shouting The thing you were saying before Are you trying to start a riot? The thing that nobody just going to keep sort of shouting the thing you were saying before about...

Are you trying to start a riot? The thing that nobody is going to buy. All right. No, I mean, like, look... No, no, no, it's fine. All right, fine. I have no magic, I have no magic! You have a second beanbag chamber.

All right, fuck it. Friso pulls out his gun. Which one, Benny? Yeah, Benny, The real gun. Beanie? And he holds it to his own head. Could the podcast finally be good? A brutal slam from Tom.

Okay. And what do you say? I say, Johnny PlayStation, I've waited my entire life to meet you. I am your biggest fan. Come down off the stage. Okay, you have disadvantage for charisma saving. Oh, my God, you're standing here. Because he is, he responds.

Yeah, all right, so you are going to need for this a, to be clear, to not stop all of this, and Johnny, you do have that in your power, because these men work for you after a fashion. You're going to need the lowest of these to not be less than eight. That's a 15 and a

three. You, wait, everybody stop! Hey. What's that weird cat you have next to your head? It's a gun. Oh, I've read about those.

Sorry, I'm in a real cat spiral right now. I'm working on my next album. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. Everybody stop. There's a fellow artist suffering. Everybody stop. Listen to him. The two stoopmen, unsure what to do

because their minders aren't here because of the quarantine, make the decision. Look, Johnny, we're here to help you. We're here to protect you. What do you want us to do? Just chill. Let's chill under Phil. I want you just to do exactly what you do best,

which is chill out and kick back. Okay, that's not what I do best. I've found downtime so hard. Okay, and so while this is happening, I'm learning a new skill. Okay. Sorry, and while this is happening, next up is you, Filch. I'm really mad at Johnny PlayStation for rejecting my advances.

Okay. I am still in your embrace. So... No, she's not in the embrace just yet. She diving towards started the action, yep. Yeah. Point of order. Wait, so all this, I've been in the air while all these conversations have happened?

Technically, this all happened during six seconds, so that conversation went very fast. Is his emotion beams on? His empathy? It is, it is. So at the moment, everybody is feeling just gratification at meeting artists. Yeah.

You know, that emotion. A surge of empathy runs through everyone except Friso. Ah, familiar territory. So I'm going to use my ray. I'm going into a rage. Yep. And I'm going to use my dice to, like, tackle him, like, hold him in my arms

and at the same time scoop my skateboard underneath his back and then, like, scoot off, stay... Backstage. ..with him underneath me. All right, make a strength. I want you to make quickly an athletics check for me, which is plus six for you versus my... Plus two for you, Johnny.

Okay. So you rolled, that is a 12 versus... Do I get two for this or just one dice? Yep, two of them with the highest. Plus ten. Is it contested? It is contested, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so that does not work.

That was a 14 versus a four plus six is 10. So I guess you run forward and you hit him with a skateboard? Oh, no. Now, he's on a stage. So quickly make a dexterity saving throw for me. DC 14. That's an 18. All right, you managed to hold yourself,

but at that moment the stoop men both sort of snap out of it and... I was wrong to ever trust anyone! Yeah, wait, like, what did we do? We've got to get him out of here. I feel like we've really dropped the ball. Yeah. I go... And they start hustling him towards the exit.

And I go, Johnny! We've got to go, we've got to go. Johnny, Johnny! Johnny! Meow. Meow. Johnny! Meow.

Meow. Do we all start doing it? Meow. And I get down on all fours and I start licking my hand. Meow. And at that moment, I'm sorry, but you've already won him over, hit him with a skateboard, you can't win him over again. Those aren't even the words!

And so he is hustled off the stage and as he is the doors slam open as the police from Ares Microtechnology arrive to answer the summons for a stolen shotgun and begin searching the crowd towards you. Johnny PlayStation is being pulled further and further

into the strange playground of the rich that is Freeside and you are now in a crowd that is beginning to riot. How can the dragon friends escape this room? They are so close. PlayStation is just meters away and yet already being dragged away again. Will they find him? Will the flashing lights bring them down? And is this the end? Dead, alone, stripped even of their magical powers? For the answers to questions such as this, tune in to the next episode of The Dragon, friends.

Thank you! Big hand of applause for Eden Lacey, Ben Jenkins, Michael Hing, Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Benny Davis, and Mr. Tom, Johnny PlayStation Walker. And your Dungeon Master, Dungeon Dave, ladies and gentlemen. Bye.