Dragon Friends - #3.13. Just Fifty Seven Minutes Straight Of Combat

Episode Date: August 16, 2017

Freeside and space and cops and shotguns and vans and Johnny Playstation and spells and magic n stuff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

FreeSide, the needle, shining city of splendor in the sky, a meeting and breeding ground for the 1% of the 1%. Those perfect humanoids that own the megacorps that in turn rule over life on this strange brave new world of Earth 2075. The arrivals bar in Freeside is an uproar. Alarms wailing while pulsing sirens flash an angry red. A red which at this moment reminds you all too well of the flashing subdermal lights angrily blinking at the back of each of your necks. Lights which remind you of the grafted sacks that at any moment could rupture delivering a deadly myocardic toxin directly to your brains. You have little time left. Johnny's concert has been cancelled and the audience are all but rioting. As the police make their way through the crowd towards you,

you still have a second or two to act. Am I lying on the stage? That's a good point. Let's paint the scene. So right now, Filge, you have just tried to tackle Johnny to the ground to skateboard him backstage, which did not work and was perhaps ill-advised. So you are sitting sprawled at the lip of the stage. Friso, you stuck a gun to your head and tried to reason with the artist of his generation. It didn't work. with the artist of his generation.

It didn't work, and failing that, you fired Beanie Davis, your cop-summoning shotgun, into the air. And the Ares Microtechnology Police are already working their way through the crowds. Bobby, you tried to impersonate Raoul Chamgallain, brilliant fashionista, to get backstage. Unfortunately, they recognised him from a live stream of an event in Prague, and as a result didn't let you through. So you are slightly humiliated and nonplussed near the door. Baston, you

were still basically in convulsions from being Johnny's greatest fan. You're having a moment. Yeah. Really? You didn't do much after that. Look, I tried. Look, I... Yeah. Yeah, what happened? Anyway. We've got to get his autograph. Well, let's try the door that they just went through.

Yeah, so we race towards the backstage door. I roll towards the door so the people who aren't looking down can't see me. You're scooching on that little skateboard? Are you rolling like that fat kid from Hook who can do a cannonball? Well, also, she had one of the skateboards from the... Yeah, yeah. So I'm... I forget I had the skateboard,

so I'm just clutching the skateboard and rolling. If you go on its stomach, we can... Like a battering ram. Use you as a batting ram. OK, great. You guys, Bobby, you're the nearest to the door. You make your way to the door first and you test it. And it is ajar. No, it's a door, mate. OK, we Bobby, you're the nearest to the door. You make your way to the door first and you test it. And it is ajar.

No, it's a door, mate. Okay. We've all had a lot of fun. Johnny's minders were in such a hurry. Oh, my goodness. No, just ignore him. Ignore him. If you pay attention, it gives him power.

Fucking two minutes in, every time. I make a dash for the door. Yeah, you make a dash for the door. It is ajar. You make your way... Yeah. Through... And I'm going to follow Johnny's signature fragrance.

All right, I'm actually going to say you make your way through the door too. Now, Friso, they're zeroing in on your location. So as you are making your way to the door, they're zeroing in on your location. So as you are making your way to the door, you feel a hand clamp on your shoulder. I turn around and it's a man

who gives me a million dollars. Thanks, Dave. No, it is not. It is a, dressed in the ironed and sort of pressed uniform of Ari's microtechnology. It is a man whose pins on his shoulder identify him as a sergeant. Oh, they ironed their uniforms here.

Very fancy. Look, you did come from a place. You were not an hour ago a place where people wear people's skulls as a fashion accessory. So that would probably be pretty impressive, yes. So I'm still dressed. Are we still dressed as security guards? You are dressed.

You and best honor. But you are dressed as security at the Haystack Casino downstairs. Ah. Seems to me that you're a little lost, son. No, no, no, no. Free time. I was working as a security guard. And this is my four weeks of paid annual leave that I'm taking here at Freeside.

Are you still holding a shotgun? Yes. Some interesting hobbies you got there. Yes, I like shooting. In crowded buildings. Yeah, I carry my gun.

My body is my castle. I protect it at all costs. See, what's interesting about that gun, though, is that's not an ordinary shotgun. That's a police-issue shotgun. And as he says that, he takes out a remote, scans it, and the red blinking light on the side of Beanie Davis goes still. Yeah, so that's like we responded to that.

Would you believe that I... Because it seemed like an officer was in distress. Yes. Now, before I continue this conversation on with you, how do I know you're a police officer? It's a good question, Ben. I mean, really? You have to show him, otherwise it's entrapment.

Yeah. Oh, and he takes out... Does he have a holo badge or something? No, yeah, he does. He unpins a little chevron on his pocket and it is encrusted with the golden eagle and shield design of Ari's microtechnology. Oh, I suppose bull would be more likely. Bull and shield design of Ari's microtechnology. Oh, I suppose bull would be more likely. Bull and shield design of Ari's microtechnology.

So in one hand, he's holding... He's got one hand on my shoulder. Do I have friends? I feel like... Oh, yeah, yeah. You have about 12 other cops. Can they see what's going on? Right, right, right, right.

What they're... Yeah, they're... Yeah, I'm doing it, Michael. Or are they through the crowd? No, okay. About three of them are close no actually two he signaled for two to follow him as he came in so there's three all up there's Michael and there's Sally Michael has a high voice all right well wait wait so these are

these are your cop friends how do I know their cops can I taste him no you can't not immediately I mean but what are you what These are your cop friends? How do I know they're cops? Can I tase him? No, you can't. Not immediately. I mean, but what are you trying to do here? I think that's unrealistic. I basically want to get... Oh, fuck it.

I'm casting Crown of Madness. No, no, no. What do you want to do? Sometimes you have to face difficult conversations. I've noticed a thing recently, which is when an awkward conversation at the table starts, you kill someone rather than finish it. What I was going to do,

if I wasn't envisioning the other people, I was going to, given that his hands were full, one of them on my shoulder and one of them holding a badge, I was going to press the shotgun into his belly and take the badge. And then what? Honestly, I want to hear this out. Then I would pretend to be an undercover cop and get backstage and probably arrest you on the PlayStation.

I've got an idea if you... No, no, no, I'm going to... I'm just going to say that is horrible, but there is a lot of confusion in the room. There are bodies pressed tight to each other. If you want to try a move like that, you may get away with it without the other cops noticing it. He'll probably tell them pretty quickly.

Now, is there a way? Yeah, but then they're going to ask us who the real cop is and I'll show them the badge. Are they or? Now, is there a way I can make this a charisma check? Before you die on this hill. Is there a way I can make this a charisma check and not a deception check?

Deception is based on charisma. You maniac. Oh, in that case, I do that thing. Oh, no, deception, not intimidation. I'm not particularly intimidating. No, you're right. It is intimidation. But isn't intimidation charisma as well?

Yes, but I've got minus one intimidation, but plus six charisma. That's not right. You've done that wrong. I'm going to say that you have... I'll look at it later. Let's assume you have plus six intimidation as well. Come on.

What are you to get, Dave? Somebody speak up if there's a reason why he would. The charisma is in his saving throws column. Oh, you're looking at your saving throws. Yeah. Your mong? Oh. Is that fine?

What does that mean? No. Oh, it's a very bad one. I think it's a very bad one. In my head, that was a nonsensical syllable. One of the great things about that is the economy of the offence there because it's both ableist and racist. In four letters.

But you've offended a lot of people. 90 people just left. Sorry, I'm going to try and take the badge. Okay, that's an intimidation check. That is going to be DC 15. Alex, can I attest to that? It's an 18. Plus six is 24.

Give me the fucking badge, cunt. Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Now, the wonderful thing about the economy of offensiveness there is that... I am... We're not in the desert anymore, mate. I haven't had a lot of wins lately, so I just wanted to take that one.

And also, can I say that this is... He spent some time in Australia, so... This is also... This is on our own podcast, not on Dungeons & Dragons Twitch stream, where we have standards. Yeah, that's true. Do we?

We're very... So I press the shotgun into the cop's belly and I say... OK, he hands it over to you without a fuss. However, you now need to make one more check for me, which is a sleight of hand check, and this is easier. It's with advantage because there's so much going on, but you need to also get DC 15. I rolled a one and a four. He's so scared that he gives you the badge, but his two cops notice that you've pulled a gun on their superior officer, and one of them reaches for his taser

while the other one reaches for a gun. You have seconds to act. All right, I cast Crown of Madness on the man. That's your action? Yep. Okay, great. All right, you begin to cast Eldritch Signals, both familiar, but also...

I know, he doesn't. They do, he doesn't. Wait, what? You begin to create symbols, both sort of, oh, the bullshit I normally say. And nothing happens. Oh, fuck! That's your action. I thought that was just like, I thought that was just like a temporary thing.

Yeah, well, alright. Shoulda, coulda, didn't. Alright, next up are the two cops who are having none of this. Michael and Sally. And Sally goes at you with a taser and she rolls a d12, which she shouldn't. Stupid Sally. Stupid Sally. She rolls a 17.

That will hit you. And so you are hit with a taser for, let's say, 6 plus 2 points of damage. That's 8 points of damage, Hing. Oh, boy. Also, make for me a constitution saving throw, DC 17. 12 plus constitution. This dude failed. Okay, so you are in effect.

Basically, the electricity courses through you. You have disadvantage for the next turn. And the other one pulls out their gun and fires at you, rolls an eight and misses. However, the gunshot creates noise and you know it's not going to be long before the rest of the police have an issue with the fact that you just stole a badge. So what's everyone else doing at this point? Filge is up next. You guys are through the door. I was heading towards the door, but I turn around.

You turn around, you hear a gunshot. I turn around and You turn around and you hear a gunshot. I turn around and I am surprised that no one has been killed by Freeza. If anything, a little bit impressed. Yeah, and I feel a bit proud and then so I get on my skateboard and I'm going to

go rescue him. Where did she get a skateboard again? She did. Just go with it. Okay. Is my skateboard different to my wank board? Because I have that as well. It's a separate board. It's a separate board. It is. And it's also different to your cyber board which is a kind of deck. So you have three

boards. Cowabunga. So I just hop on my skateboard and I just plow through the crowd on my skateboard. For anyone else, I would say that skateboarding through a rioting crowd would cause problems for you. But assume that all the people running past you make dexterity saving throws to get away from the half-orc that is skating through them. And you make your way landing daintily in front of the cops. That's your movement action.

You still have an action. So I can say something? That's a free action. You can say something and do something. And do something, yeah. Sorry, I've forgotten how to play. Um, I go, ah. Hey, this is Johnny PlayStation's personal masseuse.

We gotta get him back. Who are you talking about? The man who just is holding a gun to the sergeant? I'm saying it to Michael and Sally. I say, me part of Johnny PlayStation's crew. This is my concern. That is something that in a calm moment you could absolutely convince someone of.

But the Johnny PlayStation's masseuse, in the logic that Filch is suggesting, has just stolen a cop's badge and pulled a gun on him. Yeah, and Johnny's going to be real mad about it, so we have to take him back to be disciplined. real mad about it, so we have to take him back to be disciplined. Okay. DC 20

hard bluff check. Not a 20. That's a 16, and your charisma of plus zero means that they're not buying it. Sally?

Oh, this is no. Absolutely not. What do you reckon, Michael? Yeah, no. I mean, I think you two should come with us, actually. All right, great. Now, Bobby, quickly. You don't, you're just hearing commotion behind you.

You race through the doors and you can see a door at the end of the corridor flapping open and shut. Yeah, I run towards it assuming that Johnny's just passed through it. Great, you race through it. Me too, I'm following. Yeah, in a second. You race through the door. You're not taking any precautions.

You're just diving through that door. Yep. All right. And, no, that's fine. And you make your way into a large garage, which is surprising. A large garage. Because you're on a space station. Is it a mirage?

On a barge? You all die! How? Right? Alright, Sarge. One while it lasted. Good two and a half years. No, alright. It's surprising because you're on a space station, but it is a garage and inside it

you still seem to find that word funny. You're just saying it so fancy. Anyway, what do you call it? Car hole. Car hole. I'm out in the car hole. So inside the garage, you can see the two figures. One of them has a gun and is sort of scanning the room,

hasn't noticed you yet. And they're both pulling a kind of hover dolly. And on top of it is a large hard case, humanoid-sized, and they're pulling it towards a black van. Okay. I'm going to... Actually, I want you to quickly make for me a stealth check versus their passive perception. Oh, yeah, easily. They haven't noticed you.

Great. I take it there's banks of cars and stuff that I can dash behind. It's actually quite empty. There's about three cars. What's Eden's got to question? There are pillars and things. Are they space cars? Do they have wheels or are they like... No, they're actually...

A lot of them are space cars, but some people are into vintage and, like, classic cars, and those ones have wheels. Because, like, where do they drive to? No, you don't know yet. This is... Hang on, I've got one. You've never been outside the Arrivals Lounge yet. Yeah, there it is. That's the one. Do you want to do it again. There it is. That's the one.

Do you want to do it again? Yeah, that. That's pretty good. That's nice. Just whizzing past the window? Yeah, yeah. I know where it is now, so mention the cars again. Hang on, hang on.

Do it, do it, do it. Yeah, nice. That is nice. That is very good. Just keep talking about them cars. Okay, right. Yeah, I'll put it in. But it's low light, like any kind of garage,

and there are pillars, there are shadows. Okay, so I have one drink token left, which we said was a hard plastic kind of like this. So I frisbee that in the opposite direction to them. Oh, very good. to create a distraction. And while they're looking that way, I dash to the van if I'm close enough and sort of secret myself.

That's very good. Okay, so you throw a plastic drink token the other way and it clatters on the other side of the room. You already rolled 19 stealth, so that's fine for this whole turn. Almost without looking, and this is how trained these guys are, one of them flicks his gun, which is this

slimline plastic device and about 60 high explosive rounds destroy a side of the car park with what looks like terminal force. I begin to regret getting into that.

These are the two Stoots guys, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I think you just shot up a drink token. We could have had a drink with that. No, no.

They think they've heard noise. Okay. Well, I'd say it was a possibility. It was pretty awesome though. Yeah, I know it was. It was good. If I'm honest,

I'm jealous that I didn't do that. So, super powerful gun is the take home. And now I need you to make for me one more stealth check which shows how well you're hiding underneath this van. You rolled a four. I'm a wheel. I'm a wheel.

Plus seven. Plus seven. That's 11. So you better hope that was an easy check. Oh, no, plus nine. Stealth. Plus nine. All right.

Do I bust through the door yet? Yeah, best on your go. So I bust through the door and... Make a stealth check. Okay. No, why would I do that for? Okay, don't. I just bust through the door, but I want to do a cool...

Kick of some kind? Yeah, exactly. But I want to do a slide kick. So, like, when I get to the end of the hall, I'll slide and, like... When we leveled up in Team of Annihilation I was like, do you want to take a level of monk? And Eden was like, no. I haven't earned it yet.

Okay, go on. It wouldn't make any sense. And I slide through the door. And I don't know what's on the other side of the door, so I'm just going to slide through. And then probably like stand up like a gymnast. Like most garages, this is, the floor is tarmac. Okay, no, wait, I revised that. I'm going to slide through, stand up and be like,

Johnny, I'm here. That's it. Can I ask a quick question? The guys with the guns. That's your entire plan. Are they still holding their guns or have they holstered them? One of their guns is out of ammo. The other one's gun is holstered.

Okay. So, all right, you run through the room. Are they still holding their guns or have they holstered them? One of their guns is out of ammo. The other one's gun is holstered. Okay. So, all right, you run through the room. Bobby, you're so close to where they're loading. They spin around and one of them aims a gun at Eden. And in that moment, you have a reaction. And is that the gun that's out of ammo or the one that is holstered? No, no, it's actually the act of the guy drawing his gun will give you a reaction

attack. So if you want to, you can now really quickly do a simple action or make an attack. Do I have my electric baton? You still do have your cobra, yes. I whip it out and I

just aim for his arm to make sure that he doesn't. Great, you're going to try a disarming attack. Whack him. All right, you roll a 20. Yeah! Your terrible hiding doesn't matter, and thank God for that. You rip out, at this moment, a little halfling,

slings a telescopic baton and zaps his hand at such an angle that he loses control of the gun he is drawing. It clatters against a pillar, rebounds, and then lands in Bobby's other hand, who presumably puts a finger to his lips. Now, gentlemen, I think we can all agree that the damage that I could create with this gun would certainly kill you quite dead. Every time you've failed to hit someone, you've had, like, a beautiful pun, and that's what you have? Usually I have time to think of it because I've failed so badly

Meanwhile Alright, quickly, Friso So they're saying come with us Are they? Yeah, Michael and Sally, they're like No, they're attacking you to death I think you should let Ben should have the choice to choose if he wants to not attack me to death

Should he? Ben, how do you feel about this? I feel like Dave's forcing you to do something your character doesn't want to do. The well-developed character of Sally. Yeah, she's... Are you worried that I'm destroying the integrity of the character of Sally? Absolutely. I mean, Sally had a voice.

She had a past. We knew what her partner Michael was. Flashback, flashback. We did that last month and it was great. Alright, let's flashback to Sally's first day on the force. Hey everybody, I'm Sally. Get fucked Sally! What? Hey, give her a chance.

She looks like she could be a great cop. Yeah, that's what worries me. Sally, there's dirty cops in this precinct. You've got to watch who you align yourself with. Here's some hand sanitiser. You're going to watch who you align yourself with. Here's some hand sanitizer. You're going to need it. Metaphorically.

Yeah, no, Sally's full of shit. She shoots you. Not yet, not yet. No, hang on, hang on. I want to use that flashback. It's like, I want to be like, we should do this by the book, Michael. Don't say that you'll take a bribe, Michael.

We're cleaning up this precinct. You said you weren't like them. No, I'm taking him in. I step in front of Friso and I say, how would you like to take a bribe? And then I blink. All right. These two are the two...

Sorry, you've picked the two not crooked cops in all of Freeside. Isn't that right, Michael? You're going how much? Now, Dave, I'm looking at my inventory here and the only thing I've got left... No, no, this is... Filch has a... What does Filch describe?

I pull out that box that someone gave us. Oh, shit. Really? Can I get in on this? Yeah. Because remember when we were in the... That box that Fairbanks gave you? Seriously?

I just feel like that's an integral story line. No, no, no. Phil pulls out. Don't go meta. Don't go meta. All right. In which case, Frieza would know that's useful because he already tried to get into the controls.

You can try to stop me and let them... All right, sure. You could take.....the box. Or... ..you could... So, remember when we were in that bank in London and we killed that guy after promising him a motorbike? Yes.

You don't have the motorbike anymore. I know, but what I do have is his wallet that I pried from his cold dead hands. You could take the box. Or you could have this dead guy's wallet. I'm not going to phrase it like that. It has a picture of his family and kids, I think.

Yes. Precious memories. Yeah. Michael, you seem like a guy who might need to run from the cops pretty soon on account of this bribe you're about to take. So would you like this wallet with Michael, with Dykel McMichael's fake ID in it? And before we roll the dice for that,

let's flash back to Michael's first day on the force. Now, guys, I just want you to know I have very sensitive nuts, so please... Nobody kick or hit me. Get fucked Michael! Oh no! Oh they've gone all the way in! Okay, that doesn't change shit.

Could I just say that... I'm sure you've realised this, Hig. But the bribe you have just offered Michael, you've realised this, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He will only need it if he takes the bribe, correct. Which is worthless otherwise. I don't think that he knows that. Okay. He also might already be a

dirty cop. Let me, I'm just going to, sorry. You're sharing your internal monologue again. So here's what we're going to do. We now have a opposed check. In the field corner, you have the opportunity to have a device

made by an architectural genius. Julian Fairbanks, designer of the needle, has created a cube of powers that we can only assume are pivotal to the story. On the... I'll give him the box. Fuck it. I don't care.

On the other hand, you've been offered a wallet of a man whose identity you could steal because he's dead. On the other hand, you've been offered a wallet. Of a man whose identity you could steal because he's dead. Oh, but does he look anything like? No, not at all. And he does not sound like him.

But surgery in this modern age. That's true. So here's what we're going to do. I just don't see any reason why this guy would take the bribe. This is a persuasion check. Filge, add 10 to your roll. I add 10 to my roll? And Friso, like, add nothing and then feel bad.

It's persuasion. Okay, cool. All right, so persuasion is charisma. All right. I got 16. Whoa, boy. So I need to roll a 20 for this to work. Yep. No, you actually can't win, but go for it.

Oh, he totally can win. No, no, no. Do it properly. 3, 2, 1. That's not your 20, mate. 21. Oh, wait, a 12. Michael the Corrupt Cop takes the haywire cube.

He goes to take it. Okay. And Sally's like, what are you doing? I guess you'll want this back. And then takes out from her jacket a bottle of hand sanitizer. A friendship bracelet. And as she holds the box in front of his greedy bribe eyes. That's my favourite song.

Can you for a second, Alex, not like value judge the guy you are in the act of bribing? Filch has very high moral standards. She holds it and then with the other hand, she punches him in the nuts. He's got very sensitive hands. Make an attack for me. Make a nut check. A nut check?

Nut check. Quickly. Maybe nut check. It's a touch attack, I suppose. Ha-cha-cha. Yeah, just add your strength. He doesn't get his check. It's a touch attack, I suppose. Ha-cha-cha. Yeah, just add your strength. He doesn't get his armour. What's that?

You rolled a four. Plus four. I got an eight. Oh, you missed me. You miss him and he grabs the haywire cube from you. Yeah, and he's like, hang on a minute. This looks a bit bloody fancy. You're not a bunch of bloody techno bloody terrorists, are you?

Well, you are now. Meanwhile. Alright, so our two guys are standing there. Their hands are up. One of their guns is empty. The other one has no gun. And you are holding a gun to them. Bobby, and it's your action. Okay.

Baston. Yes. Knock these guys out. All right. Okay, but before you do, give me something nice to dream about. Give him a kiss, and then punch his lights out. You're running through a field,

and there's a pony, a beautiful horse, but the pony's dead. And then he slams both of their heads into each other. Yeah, I should roll a dice or something for that. Nine. You know, the funny thing is I wasn't going to make you roll for that, but the dice don't lie. Wait, hang on, I didn't get a good contact there. Here we go.

I mean, you both go, ow. Hey, that black hurt. Oh. That's like the worst outcome. Well, there's plenty more where that came from. You have an opportunity because of the really awkward way that they tried to knock you out. So you stoot one, stoot man one.

You have an opportunity to try and make a dive for the gun. That Bobby's holding? Yes, that's right. That he's aimed right at him? Yeah, but this was awkward. This was all very awkward. But I was... No, no, no.

Okay, you have a... No, sorry, that's fair. You have an opportunity to grab Baston and make him a human shield. Okay, yeah, I'll try to do that because I'm desperate. DC 15. You rolled a 7. You swing and you fail and... human shield. Okay, yeah, I'll try to do that because I'm desperate. DC 15. You rolled a seven. You swing and you fail.

We suck. Meanwhile. Yeah, we're really bad at this. Did you just take a bribe from us? I don't know what you're talking about. And he puts it in his pocket. All right, so Friso's going to bring out his shotgun again. And he goes, you know... Wait, you're going to stop training his shotgun again. And he goes...

Wait, you're going to stop training the shotgun at the terrified sergeant? No, that was a gun, wasn't it? No, that was a shotgun. I pull out the gun and hold that in my hand. Shotgun's a two-handed weapon. You already have a gun that is out. How many hands do you have? Seven.

Look, you didn't know the whole time I had seven hands. Sorry. All right. So I'm going to brandish the shotgun then and say... Okay, the sergeant's free to move again. Oh no, I'm just showing it to them. Show me what that looks like while not aiming your shotgun at Ben. Can you just edge around to the side a little bit?

But they know you have a shotgun. I know. That's why they're cross with you. Let him finish. Can I help you in any way? Yeah, just kill him. Fuck it, I'm done. No, tell me.

Finish the thought. So what I want to do is threaten to call the cops on the dirty cop who just took a bribe. They're not going to go for that. All right, fine. I pull the trigger into this guy's stomach then. Bearing in mind it's only going to wind him with a beanbag or maybe kill him with a beanbag. No, we should let him try that.

Is it fair to let him try that? Well, how hard? It's going to be very hard. You can absolutely try that. No, it's fine, Dave. I'll just shoot him. It's fine. Yeah, if that's what you want, Dave. I pull the trigger into Sally's... This is my fault. I pull the trigger into Sally's... This is my fault.

I pull the trigger into Sally's stomach. But hang on, hadn't... Hadn't you just accomplished exactly what you wanted? Like, you bribed these cops. But I want the cue back now. Well... So you want to win everything, but with no cost? Because sometimes things will just cost.

This is a game, though, isn't it? OK, all right. You fire... Make it quickly. Make an attack roll for me. Because sometimes things will just cost. This is a game, though, isn't it? Okay, all right. You fire. Make it quickly. Make an attack roll for me. Where do I put the cheat codes into Dave? I rolled a two, Dave.

All right, the beanbag goes wild. And as the glorious thing about shotguns is they have two shots. So your shotgun is now empty. And Sally has noticed that you just tried to shoot her. Did you miss? From like one yard away? I was holding up to her stomach and I missed. Oh, bugger. Oh, what do we do now?

I guess we run? Should I bring the cop with me? I bring the cop with me. Phil's just like, let's go! And I scoop up Michael. I grab him. I grab Michael by the head. And all three of us hop on the skateboard and we skate away.

Okay, so I want to make a point that the spell is broken now. The small amount of control that you had, Frieza, by having a loaded weapon is over because you've emptied it. So Filch, quickly make a dexterity check for me. No, make an attack roll. This is going to be a grapple check. Opposed by his athletics, he rolls a two. What do you roll? Seven.

Seven is enough. Flailing like idiots, Michael and you run at each other. You scoop him up and you start skating from the exit while I suppose Friso... He's on my skateboard. You're grabbing Friso with the other hand. suppose, Friso, you... He's on my skateboard. You're grabbing Friso with the other hand. No, Friso's holding... He's holding around my waist.

And Sally's just really just disappointed and goes to tell the other cops what's happened. All right, the cops are noticing the gunshots and they're all clustering around Sally. As you guys race towards... Where are you going? We're going towards that ajar door. All right, you race towards the door

and fling your way through, knowing that the cops are fast behind you. You have another option here, Bobby and Baston. I'm going to say Baston this time. You can instigate. Fighting the dudes? I have a spare baton if you want to borrow it. Yeah, throw me a baton.

No, wait, I take that back. And I kick him in the head. Both of them? Yeah, roundhouse. Three. Ohhouse. Three. This is all too familiar. All right. Make an attack roll to see if they can grab Bastogne

and use him as a human shield. Six. Nope. Too silly. Everybody sucks. Everyone sucks this time. So, Bobby, you're still in control of the situation. Okay.

So, I say, gentlemen, please load the container into the back of the van. Or? Or else. Or else I will shoot you. Yeah, this is, I don't need to be persuaded of this. My point is it's an intimidation check. I have the most power. I have a wall-destroying gun.

It's advantage is what it is. So, you roll two dice. Highest one, you need to get 15. Jesus. I have a very powerful gun. He got a total of 15. Can you explain to me, and it's not a rebellion here, but what do these two characters say?

This is the magic of D&D really, isn't it? Because you have failed with advantage the modest task that was your charge. So we have to now make sense of it so do you know I'm wearing an Armani suit yeah do you think they just give them to people who aren't brave I mean they can like there's no rule like when you should make a stand right now we should and then maybe they would make a statue of us yes let's stand back to back in defiance. Yeah, let's do it Stand back to back. No, this is their action. So Okay, so I'm stood man one you dive at this moment deciding for one reason that you have more far more loyalty

To the Vos Saito house than you have any reason to you dive at Bobby and Bobby 17 he's going to hit you but you get a chance to shoot him. Like, your threat was real, so you do actually get to do damage regardless. 13, right? So you hit him with plus your dexterity, and this is an Uzi, as I said, it was with a hair trigger like him.

It empties itself immediately, so you do 3d6. All right, you do 13 plus your dexterity, 16 points of damage. So you empty your gun into him, and he is in terrible shape, but he's not dead, and screaming in pain, he rips the gun from your hand and throws it to the far side of the room. And Baston, you already had your action, so the other one has an action now. Oh, I could have used that gun.

Thanks, champ. I thought I only had one shot in it. The dying one. Don't they only have one shot in them? All the guns are empty, yeah. Yeah, okay. He goes, you made a big mistake. I kind of liked him.

Not much. I thought we were best friends. What? You thought we were like, hang on, sorry, what? We spent a lot of time, you invited me to your house for that barbecue. No, I invited like 30 people to that house. Yeah, but, oh, fuck you. What are you going to do?

I'm like really reeling from this, that's sad. What are you going to do? I, I, I'm going to go, and you know what? You messed with the wrong stoot man. And he's just going to kind of, I guess, he's got a weapon, right? Actually, no, he has a cobra as well. Oh, he's got a little... The extendable electric baton.

Yeah, he's going to swing at Bobby with that. All right, he swings at him. Bobby, anything? No. These guys are genetically engineered assassins, and they're shit. All right, meanwhile. So at this moment, Friso and Bobby burst through the door. Friso and Filch.

Friso and Filch, thank you very much. Burst through the door on a skateboard with Michael, the renter cop, under their arm and you're barrelling down the corridor. Now remember, all the other cops saw you do this and they are racing towards the door. Yep, I hop off the skateboard and I grab

Michael by his ankles and I throw him upside down and I shake him. I shake him really hard by the ankle. For loose change? Upside down. For loose change. And the cubes. Yeah, loose cubes. And the cube. Yeah, just see what falls out. And probably weapons. Did he have the cube? Yes. Oh, I see what you did. I see what you did. Yeah, just see what falls out. And probably weapons. Did he have the cube? Yes.

Oh, I see what you did. I see what you did. All right, very clever. Cube. You got me. All right, I guess, hang on. Do you know what? An incredibly dangerous device falls on the hard ground,

and I'm just going Why is it dangerous? I'm just going to roll a dice and nothing happens. Just as I thought. Congratulations, Phil. Quickly, Fraser, you also get an action before the cops make it to the door. Oh, does anything else

fall out on the ground? Yes, sorry, that's actually his keys fall out, a picture of his wife falls out, and a small vial of hand sanitiser. Which one do you want? I'm going to take the picture of the wife. And the hand sanitiser. Surprising no-one.

Alright, can I take two things? You can use your entire turn and take everything. Oh, no, I'll use my free action and take the wife. I'll use my free action. You'll use your move action. Move action to take the wife and in the same action... To take the wife. Picture of the wife. Picture of the wife. I'm taking the picture of the wife and the cube.

No, hang on. That's my action. A move equivalent action is to pick up one thing. Alright, fine. I use my whole turn and I take everything then. Okay, alright. Well, because nobody secured the doors, the doors slam open. Oh, doors. And three rent-a-cops charge in, worried about their good friend Michael. Michael, are you fine?

Are you well? Oh, they just stole my lunch money. No, two of them have guns. And Phil's just like, yeah, what did you take, Michael? They fire at Filch, the terrifying half-orc. One of them misses. One of them hits. And the one that hits you,

these are with sort of stun slugs. They're heavy metal slugs that kind of sort of weight you down to the ground. And it does six points of damage to you. But I'm also going to mark that you've been hit by one of these slugs. The other one misses and the other one has a baton and they're racing towards you guys

and now quickly Bobby it's your turn. Okay so I with my cobra I I thwack that stoot man, Ben's stoot man. Yep, the one who's not dying. The one who's not dying. He's not dead by the way, he's just very hurt. I thwacked my dick. You's not dead, by the way.

He's just very hurt. Fuck my dick. You roll a five. Swing and a miss. Hey, bada, bada, bada, bada. Swing. Baston, you're next. So there's one dude who's nearly dying and there's another guy with a baton.

Who is feeling fine. Yeah, I'm going to kick him in the face. Why not? You've got a sword. You've got a sword in. You've got a fucking magic sword. All right. Fine.

I'll use the sword. We're pulling out the name sword of Sergei Von Zarovich. I'll warn you, this is very sharp. very sharp. If you had rolled a one I was gonna make a bounce of a pillar and he would end up holding it. So you just missed. Next up, Stootman 1 and 2. Stootman 1 starts loading his gun. This is the hurt one behind a pillar and he takes his whole turn and he loads his gun again. Stootman 2 reaches forward and just socks you, Baston, and rolls an 8.

What is wrong with these guys? We need to get some new dice. It was an 8. Oh, my God. Okay, everybody misses in this low-light garage. Next up is you. No, next up, the guards already went through, so it's you, Friso. We're going to keep... Are we in vision of these guys?

No, you're in the middle corridor between the garage and the arrivals lounge. All right, I'm going to... You can keep running. Yeah, I'm going to keep running. You guys burst through the doors. That's your movement action. You come into the room. You still have an action, Friso.

We burst through the doors. That's your movement action. You come into the room. You still have an action freezer. We burst through the doors. You can see on your side there is a man who is behind cover from Bobby, but in perfect sight of you. He's holding his side, bleeding, as he loads a small plastic pistol. And in the far distance, you can see a man really fuck up an easy punch.

All right, I run over to that man who's bleeding and easy punch. All right. I run over to that man who's bleeding and I say, that wound looks infected. Do you need some hand sanitizer? If anything, he's surprised and overcome. Yeah, I think it works. That's such a weird thing. Well, we're going to roll.

But he is in the moment. In space, people are germophobes, Dan. Oh, it's Stootman 2. Yes, this is you, Eden. Stootman 2. Yes, this is you, Eden. Stootman 2. Oh, thank you. And I guess he squirts it on his wound? Oh, that's going to sting.

And it really stings. Can you hold a loaded gun and apply ointment to him? What are you trying to accomplish beyond giving him something? Oh, what were you doing? I was hoping that the wound would hurt as he did that and I could grab the gun. Does Stoop Man 2 recognise them from back outside? No, because Friso didn't try the door thing.

Only Bobby did. Oh, OK, so this guy's a friendly stranger. OK, so I see what you're saying. OK, so you want the guy to be so dumb that he squirts hand sanitiser into an open wound. Otherwise it's going to get infected. There's all kinds of space diseases out there. Look, he is still wearing security.

It's an intelligence check. And I'm being very player-friendly today. Yeah, a little too friendly player. But I think that... He's lost a lot of blood and I think he should have advantage. All right. Isn't that the same as 2 having disadvantage?

Hang on. Sorry, yeah, disadvantage. I don't... He's been shot by an Uzi. Yeah. Emptied into it. Hey, Dave, you're in charge here. You do what you want.

Yeah, Ben. Ben's not the boss of you. This is the first time that you and me have had a disagreement. So I'm going to say I'm four plus I'm right on three plus you're wrong. I'm right. Fuck off. With that in mind, he has a normal role. However, 11, 12, the idiot that he is,

he squirts hand sanitizer into an open wound. And he screams in pain, triggering a reaction, hand sanitizer into an open wound. Oh! And he screams in pain, triggering a reaction, which means that you can now, if you want to make a disarm, check on him. Okay, yeah, I'm going to do that.

What do I have to roll? You need to roll a... What's your dexterity? My dexterity is plus three. So you want to roll higher than a 13. What I did is I rolled a two. Why did you make me do that? In what world, King, were you waiting like,

what do you need to roll? I've got dexterity plus three. You need to roll a two. Oh, cool. I got that. In this world, for some reason, everybody's become this like fucking Mr. Bean.

Filch has a turkey on her head. You've wasted everybody's time. All right. You clumsily swing at him, and at that moment he realises you are no friend to the bleeding, and at that moment Filch bursts through the door. And what can I see? I look around.

Okay. In the far distance, you can see a man clumsily swing at Bastogne. In the far distance, you can see a man clumsily swing a baston. In the near distance, you can see with one hand, Friso give misguided medical aid to a genetically engineered super soldier and with the other hand, try and clumsily sock him on the jaw. I see Friso and I say, oh, so cute when you try to punch. And then I punch him.

I punch... You're going to charge him? Stoopman, yeah. Stoopman too. I hate to give you a cue. And I haven't stopped running as well, so I've got extra punching in my ass. You angry about anything?

You know what, Dave? Phil just dad was a cop. Oh, here's a question. Was Filger's dad an orc cop or a human cop? We haven't heard about... Actually, hang on. Which of Filger's parents... Are Filger's parents both half orcs

or does Filger have an orc parent and a human parent? Wouldn't that make it a quarter orc? No. No. Is that racist? No, no. I really want to... You know I'm half Chinese.

It's like... I really want to drill in on this. Wait, wait, wait. What? I want to drill in on this because we've never done this before. So tell me about Filge's parents. Filge's dad was a human. Okay.

Cop. Cop? In Faerun. In Faerun. A cop. Okay. Cop. Cop? In Faerun. In Faerun. A cop. Yeah. I'm sorry. A police goblin or whatever they're called then.

I don't know. It was a human police goblin. A mercenary, yes. Go on. And her mother. I love that you think that, think that in a fantasy world, if you call a cop a policeman, it's more accurate. Well, they have law.

We went to a tribunal, didn't we? Yeah, but you made up. Yeah, we made up. It was a rental tribunal, I believe. And Filger's mum. Filger's mum was the best fighter in the Orc army and she fell in love with the cop. But Filger's...

Please, please, police goblins. Sorry, police goblins. Filger's dad's name was Phil. And what's Filger's mum's name? Oh, Gorkorn or something, I don't know. All right, great. So the reason, but she loved Phil so much, but one day he left her mum for a fairy.

So now she... Do they have fairies? Yeah. Yeah, we do. You're doing great. Straight from the Feywild. So she remembers the day that she walked in on her dad, the police goblin, having sex with a fairy.

Oh, really? And she just gets so full of rage about cops because cops represent everything that she hates about humans and police goblins. Okay, two things. Wow. Firstly, I'm going to give you a dice of inspiration for that.

I find there's a silver dice. There's a big silver dice. Yep, that's yours. That's a free re-roll anytime you want it. And on top of that, because you went into a rage, you have a bonus attack and you also have advantage for your main attack. So roll for me two D20s and then we'll roll another D20. And then re-roll one if you want.

You can do whatever you want. That's a great story. It's a cornucopia of D20s. Thank you, Dave. It's a one and a five. No, a one and an eight. Thank you very much. Now can I roll my next one? Your second attack. Yep.

And I get a 15 and a one. You rolled a one with each of those. 15 will do it, but my god. Which one of you put a curse on our D&D game? Alright. And so I charge at that stoot man and I say... Injured as he is.

Which is good. You want that. That's good. And I charge towards his gun to take it. You can just punch it. You said you were punching him. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm punching him.

I think when you're doing a frenzy attack, they basically have to be very simple. All right, so you're punching. Yep. Just roll that dice for me. Five. Five plus four is nine. You punch his head off.

It's gone. His head is no longer there. And he collapses to his knees and he falls down dead. And then his head rolls to where Bobby is. Hi, Bobby. And the next up is the other stoop man, who, horrified as he is, didn't take the time to reload his gun.

I feel quite bad about the last thing I said to him. And he lashes out. He lashes out with a cobra. And, Bobby, he hits you for six points of damage. And now I need you to make that constitution saving throw for me to see if you get zapped zap

there's tons here you're fine okay you're fine alright that was a 13 you're okay I'm gonna use my sword

alright next up is Bobby um do I I go to the body of um uh stoopman 2 you're gonna race

make a dash you're gonna have to race past the guy who's fighting it. I can move through him because I'm a halfling nimbleness? Yes. I can move through the size of any creature that is the size larger than you? You can. So normally he would get an attack. But you're so small, you fly right past him.

And so Bobby has, in this world, seen how vehicles work. I'm basically going through his pockets for keys for the van. Okay, great. You search the body and you find a couple of things. There is a loaded gun, obviously. There is a BMW keychain with a key on it. You also see a strange stud that you don't know what it does and a cred stick.

Great. So I take all of those things. That was your move and your action. Okay, but I don't get a cunning action which is You can hide if you want, yeah. So I hide in the van.

No, no, no. No, no. No, that's not how it works. Okay, alright. You can hide behind the pillar. Absolutely. Make a stealth check for me. You vanish.

You disappear. And next up is Bastogne. Okay, I'm going to use my sword and kill this guy. The Stoopman 2? Yep. Oh, Stoopman 1, rather. I was fighting.

With the cobra. 18! Yes, finally! Thank God. Yes! Just thank God. All right, D8 plus... Plus 4.

Plus 4. He seems kind of relieved. Nine damage. Nine points of damage. You do a sizable chunk of damage to him. Freeza, you're next. Uh, I'm going... So the cops are behind us coming through the door.

Have they come through the door yet? Not yet. They're in the corridor now because you kept moving forward. All right, so I'm going to get on the other side of the barrier that Stoopman 2 was hiding behind. Great. And then hide from the police as they come in. Okay, make a stealth check for me.

Did you do that? Yeah, I'm going to... Do you mind if I roll for you? Nine. All right, so you mind if I roll for you? Nine. Alright, so you're great. Yours is 12. And the next one up is Filch. Filch.

She's very angry. Am I still angry? Oh yeah. She's like, that's what you get, Dad! She just yells. Which all of the dragon friends clock. She's yelling that at the head on the floor. Which is by the van.

And then she notices the van. Can I yell out? Can I yell out? Reaction. Get Johnny in the van. And everybody jump in. Get Johnny in the van? Yeah, he's in that case.

Six seconds. Oh, I pick up the case. Oh, the hard case that's on the hover dolly? Yeah. Did you know that's that's on the hover dolly? Yeah. Did you know that's how Taylor Swift escaped a hotel room? Yes. No, it's how she got on stage in Australia. Adele.

That was Adele. Taylor Swift escaped a hotel room. In a hard case. Without the paparazzi knowing. Yeah, by getting a hard case. Anyway. On a hover dolly. All right.

I'm filled. Roars forward, angry at the van for some reason, and drags the hover dolly towards the van and slams it so that it goes up the ramp and it smashes into the back of the hover dolly, perhaps doing some kind of physical trauma to the world's greatest pop star. And the next one up is the remaining Stootman. Yeah, like, this has been a really bad day for me. I've been attacked by a sword, I lost an acquaintance. Next one up is the remaining Stootman. Yeah, like, this has been a really bad day for me.

I've been attacked by a sword. I lost an acquaintance. You're half dead as well. You're bleeding from an attack by a magical sword. It's baton. It's my, it's my, I call it Alain de Baton. And with that. What?

With that. Why would you call it that? No! Yeah, it works. That hits Bastogne. And it does four points of damage. Ouch! You rolled a one.

And Bastogne, make a constitution save for me. Not cool, man. I don't like that dice. You love it. Nice team. You can jump up. All right, and Bobby, you're up next. I shoot Stoop Man 1.

Dexterity attack. Attack, normal attack, like a short bow. Fuck me. Yeah. Empty clip. You still have your movement. So I jump into the driver's seat and put the keys in the ignition. All right, you're in the driver's seat.

Excellent. Next up is you, Bastogne. More killing. I'm gonna slice this bitch up. Yeah. 11 plus your attack brings you to 16. Plus 4. Plus 5, that's okay. Oh, so 15.

That's still enough. Alright, so Legend only speaks of the great sword that was the name sword of Sergei and Von Zarevich. Now your own and with its magical powers, ten points of damage is enough to kill this man as you cleft him in twain, and you still have your movement.

You should have been nicer to your friend. And I go in, I jump in the back of the van to be with Johnny. Friso. So how far away, the cops haven't come through the door yet? No, they haven't, but they're right up against the door. Okay. How far am I away from the van? About 15 feet. Alright, I'm running to the van then.

Get into the van. Yep. Filch? I hop into the van. Into the van? Yep. Yep. You're inside the van as well. The door slams shut and inside a garage, impossibly on top of a space station, incredibly on top of a needle, unbelievably

on top of a casino. Strange and weird are the dragon friends, hurtling to a future that they know not. But as the dots of red flash on their necks, they know that this world is not long for them, one way or another.

Transportation or death awaits them. Johnny PlayStation now at last in their custody as they hurtle towards oblivion and the next adventure of the dragon. Friends, thank you! We are going to take a very short break and we will be right back. Can I say that was an entire

half of combat would you please give a big round of applause to dave harman it's a hundred percent the hardest thing to do the dragon friends are alex lee eden lacey simon griner and michael hing npcs NPCs played by Ben Jenkins and Eden Lacey. DM'd by David Harmon. Music by me, Benny Davis. Shakira Khan designs our website and does a whole bunch of tech stuff for us. That's all. Oh, listen to Free to a Good Home as well.

That's Ben and Hing's podcast and they've got Alex Lee on it this week. So you're getting three dragon friends for the... There's no prize.