Dragon Friends - #3.14. A Sexy Number Four Please

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

Ay, a-mamma mia! Dis-a podcast bella, bella like a delicioso napolitana like-a ma mamma used to maike. A-shove it in yo face, u stoopid bambini, va fangula! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stranded by the side of the road is a black van with no plates and no identifying features. Abandoned like a carcass, it is all that remains of the latest excursion by four motley homicidal maniacs known as the Dragon Friends. Now on their own, on the streets of Freeside, dragging between them a hover dolly with a hard case that one can only assume holds this generation's greatest artistic genius, Johnny PlayStation. The Dragon Friends have made their way clear of the Arrival's Lounge. The dragon friends have made their way clear of the Arrival's Lounge.

They have managed to avoid even those rent-a-cops-in-fast-pursuit and now for a second at last can take a moment to identify the surroundings. And they are unusual. Freeside looks to you like a small medieval town. If anything, it seems like a welcome respite from the strange techno marvels that were this sixth age. You can see a small fountain, cobblestones underneath your feet, what looks like a kind of piazza in the centre, with spires leading off in any direction above a beautiful sky.

Doubtless this is scientific marvel. Doubtless this is trickery, deceit and hologram. But for now, it feels like home as you make your way through the crowd. So we need to get to the escape pods to get onto the boat or whatever. That is correct. In Vos Saito territory, as Mr. Sauer told you.

And where are we now? You are in the Piazza, the central hub of Freeside. So if we look around, can we see the direction of Vos Saito territory? Is there one of those helpful things with the map that says you are here? Like an information booth? As I said... Are there any pedicabs?

Me think we're home. Looks like home. We're home. Did it. As I said... Filch falls asleep. And this may just be this season's fancy of the 1%, but Freeside has been made up to look like a walled medieval town.

It looks like Florence, if you've ever been to Florence. No, I haven't been to Florence, Dave. Is that where you learned how to say large garage? The point is that through some kind of trickery of sort of hologrammatic projection, architecture and virtual reality, it's made to look like this beautiful gated community. There are villas going off in every direction.

It was a short drive. And, in fact, you had to abandon your van very quickly. We should get disguises. Is there a costume shop? So we're still in the van or are we going to have to abandon it? No, you abandoned it to get to the piazza, which was walking, pedestrian only. Is there a costume shop nearby, Dave?

Yes, there is. Or just a clothing shop? Wait, wait, wait. There is a clothing shop which most of you enter. Do you think all clothes are costumes? In what way is clothing different to a costume shop? There are two shops. Most of the Dragon Friends enter a clothing shop.

Frieza, you enter a costume shop. And we're just inconspicuously hoverboarding this huge container. What's the crowd around us like? It's actually, it's not that crowded. But mostly, yeah, people keep to themselves. This is a space where people expect the unexpected. And four people in suits dragging a hard case

will go undetected for some time if not forever. Cool. Well, I want something fancy. I want to look good. You guys have made your way into a small artisanal tailor who is a gnome who slaps his hands

excitedly as you enter the store. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Some customers in this my shop. Yes. Filch walks out and goes into the costume shop. The fuck is wrong with you, Ben? I don't know. I don't know.

I'm into it, Ben. I like it. Keep going. Filch goes into the costume shop. It's just the best opportunity for a racist Italian accent. Oh, my God, can I have another go? No, but remember there is a costume shop next door. I've gone into the costume shop with Friso,

like just seeing this guy, I just go, I'm going to get this guy to make me a tailored stoot. Ah, a bulletproof Armani suit. Yes, very good. An Armani suit. You both a bulletproof Armani suit. Yes, very good. You both want bulletproof stoots? Yes, please. Damage reduction all around. That will cost you both, however, about 5,000 credits each. Do you have any money to pay?

There is, of course, the delicate matter of the credits. So I have the credit stick from one of the original stoot men and then also I have 1 million credits worth of gold in a glass. Which is good because the credit man gambled a lot and there's not much on it. However, from the Arrivals Lounge, your solid gold cocktail is worth 10,000 credits. Is it a million?

It's worth one million. Yeah, one million. Check the podcast, buddy. He's not going to sit here and count out change. Are you not going to take the shit? No, can I go to a bank and just get it applied to my credit stick? I want one million credits. They only call it the one million credit cocktail.

It costs one million credits. No, it costs you nothing. Let's not forget that. I bamboozled a man. I came out on top. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. If you're willing to risk it all, that you can get to a bank,

get it changed, come back without arousing suspicion and buy it, I'll let you do it. Or you can have some nice bulletproof stutes now. Oh yeah, and the tailor's like, I would say that there are some fugitives on the run. I hate you. And it occurs to me that perhaps the police would be interested

in information about such fugitives, but fugitives such as... How does this guy say garage? It takes 45 minutes. He's willing to give me 10,000 credits for it and then minus the cost of the... Basically, he's willing to rip you off, yeah. I would give you 10,000 credits plus the suits. Stoots, which is more than reasonable

given that I think I may be aiding and abetting. I'm going to take, as well, a nice tie. Fine. And for my friend Baston, an even nicer tie. Do you know what? He gives you a fucking combat tie. What's a combat tie? I'm glad you asked. A combat tie is a tie that can also be used as a bolas.

What's a bolas? You throw it and it wraps around people's ankles. Bolas? That's the gooch. What you're describing is the gooch. Eden, tell them what a bolas is. A bolas is a... That's racist, firstly.

It's two balls at the end of a string and you throw it and it wraps around people's ankles and they fall over. Oh, it's like two tennis balls in a stocking. Exactly. Precisely. And does the stoot

give us extra armor class or something? It does. It actually gives you damage reduction. So the first... Sick. I'm going to say

that the first six points of damage that you take are negated until it's done 30 points of damage and then it is so ripped and destroyed that it

has no good. I don't know how to write that down. You should mark yourself as 30 temporary hit points. Sick. You know about that, don't you, Michael Hinn? Temporary hit points. I can't get any more because he took away my spells. Meanwhile,

you walk into a room where a man who does not look like he would do a racist Italian accent, an old, kind grandfather of sorts, a man who understands that race is not

the same thing as voice, and that people are multifaceted, looks at you, but does not as of yet yet say anything. Does he say anything now? Not yet, not yet. He looks at you inquisitively. For those listening on the podcast,

Ben seems to be twiddling an invisible moustache. I'm not looking at him, I just know that's what he's doing. Is he now eating some imaginary spaghetti? I think he's kissing his fingers. I believe he just kissed his fingers. The universal sign for that's a spicy meatball. Good day. So Friso and I walk in, and I've got Johnny as well, right?

Yes. You park your hard case by the door and you walk in. Good day, sir. We are looking for some fine costumes for a party we're going to. Without saying anything, he indicates to the vast amount of costumes around him. Filch goes, bit of customer service, please.

Me would like to know about all these outfits. He puts a finger up and points to a sign indicating the prices and varieties on offer. Dave, do Friso and Phil know how to read this new language? Yes, common is English. We all know common is English. They don't say it in the books, but common is English, right? I just heard someone go, ooh.

I'm going to bait him into talking me through the sign. Not bait, sorry. That's the wrong word. What's the one? I struggled to work out. What are these costs let me just begin by saying at the moment me is a thing I like to say every 30 minutes. It's been so long since I've said Mamma Mia.

Dave, I want you to know if there's any option for us to take this character with us on our adventure, I am bringing him along. We left Gribbets and fucking Bobson and Dobson behind. What's your name, sir?

Hello. What is the name of this well-developed character, Ben? Sebastian Bumblebee. My name is Sebastian Bumblebee. And I have the finest of all of the costume shops in all of the Freeside. I want you to name those ten outfits on the wall over there. Name them for the man and the lady.

Okay. So, first of all, may I say, I'm such a pretty lady. Thank you. Number one is a chef's outfit for cooking. Number two, that's like a construction worker. Oh, I'm working on the road. Number three, there's a miner, similar to construction worker, but I'm working in the mine.

Number four is, this is, I'm a big bunny uh, I'm a big bunny rabbit. I'm a big bunny man. Bunny rabbit. Oh, bunny rabbit. Okay. That is number five. Number six is number six. You dress up like the number.

Wait, you've missed one. I've got chef, construction, miner, minor bunny six. So what was number four? It's a four. Okay. Four more to go. And what about this one? He's a very racist. Describe it. Is it like offensive to all of the racists?

What? Describe it. Is it, like, offensive to all of the races? Somehow, it's a fine stitching. Number eight. That's me. Also offensive to all the races. That's just my clothes that I wear. I just put them there because I don't have a lot of cover space.

But you can rent it if you like. These two on the end. What are these two on the end? Yeah, these two here. The pair of them on the end. Number nine is a big fancy rich man. Oh, I've got so much money, you could say. Is a thing. And number ten, oh, I'm a big poor man. I've got so much but I've got nothing. Ping, are you

making notes? I, well, if we don't take it with him, I'm coming back when I need a new costume day. I would like to purchase the rich man outfit, good sir. Sebastian Bumblebee. It's a wonderful choice. Fuck, I'm going to purchase the rich man outfit, good sir. Sebastian Bumblebee. It's a wonderful choice. Fuck, I'm going to Italy in like a month

and I'm going to be turned away at the door of Italy. It's the wonderful choice. Let me through the door of Italy. Oh, man. Who does our admin? Does anyone know if we have any listeners in Italy? Not anymore, obviously. We've got a few. As anyone know if we have any listeners in Italy? Not anymore, obviously. We've got a few.

Oh, boy. As you say, we have none. I'm starting to feel like... Remember when The Simpsons did the Australian episode and everyone was like, oh, that's bullshit. It's like, it's very hard not to be racist about other countries. No, not a few. It's very easy, actually, Dave.

It's very easy not to be racist. I've been doing it the whole time. Yeah. I don't know if I've ever been to Italy, but they would say that my performance was just, and I believe I'm doing the voice right, molto bene! They would say that.

They would, and they'd love it. We're a very racist country, so it's okay. So you want to buy the rich man? Yeah. No, why am I doing the voice? I don't have to do the voice. Oh, no, it's contagious. Hey, you're not dressing as me.

Actually, he doesn't seem to understand you unless you do the voice. I would like to do the rich man costume, please. A rich man costume, and that is only 100 credits to rent for a day. I would like to buy it. I'm not going to do this voice anymore, I feel weird. Sorry? 300 credits. 300 credits to buy. All right.

100 credits to rent. You can steal it anyway. I have 4,000 credits left, so I'm going to spend 300 of them on the... Congratulations. You have a rich man costume, which is basically a suit. Oh, I thought it was like a Monopoly man. Oh, I mean, like, yeah. I thought it was like a Monopoly man kind of thing I mean, like, yeah. I thought it was like a Monopoly man kind of thing with a monocle and a hat.

Oh, sorry. Do you want a costume that will blend in and freeside and allow you to access the areas of the elite, or do you want a Monopoly man costume? Because I have a Monopoly man. I would assume the Monopoly man costume would blend in. It's rich people. That's how they dress.

His name is Uncle Pennybags. He's rich people. That's how they dress. His name is Uncle Pennybags. He's obviously wealthy. Okay, you know what? We're talking about the same thing. It doesn't matter, so congratulations. Varnishing over the vast differences in perception of the real world that we have, you have the thing

you have you think you say. And for the pretty lady... What you have out think you say. And for the pretty lady. Filch says, what you have out the back. Oh. The lady knows what she wants and I appreciate it. So he pulls a lever and the

thing spins around and he's like, this is the sexy part. So I have sexy priest. Sexy undertaker. Sexy grave digger. It's a sexy thing at a funeral. Sexy mourner.

Sexy corpse. a funeral. Sexy mornin'. Sexy corpse. Do you have anything in the way of sexy number four? Yeah, he does. Does he? Yeah, he does. So you get the sexy four with extra fishnets.

Do you have sexy Sebastian B with extra fishnets. Oh, yeah. Do you have sexy Sebastian Bumblebee? He does. He has a sexy version of the clothes he's currently wearing. Get it, get it, get it.

300 credits. I will shout-filge the sexy Sebastian Bumblebee costume. Thank you, Freezer. I will take that,ge the sexy Sebastian Bumblebee costume. Thank you, Freezer. I will take that, please. For the listeners at home, what does that look like? So, as we walk out of the... Sorry, the sexy Sebastian Bumblebee...

Small Italian man. Small Italian man. Fishnets. Yeah, it's like an impeccable white linen suit, but like the... Crotchless? Well, it's buttless. Buttless teensy weensies.

It's assless, chap. It's assless. It's cut off for short shorts, and there's no sleeves and a plunging neckline. Oh. The decolletage is out of this world. Yeah. So.

So I guess we all meet outside. In the piazza. I guess we should open the DeviantArt account. Perfectly. So. Oh, do we need a, should we dress up? If you're listening to the podcast and want to, don't draw this place. Making their way out.

Making their way out of these two side-by-side shops into the piazza of broken dreams that is the centre of Freeside. Firstly, Bobby and Bastogne arrive in functional bulletproof suits meanwhile on the other side facing next to them friso emerges in the dress of a fancy man while phil addresses emerges triumphant as a sexy version of an Italian man, at least she saw. I say, hello, bumblebees. Because his name's on the outside of the store with like a character of him, how he's dressed. All right, yep, great. As you make your way out, now congratulations.

Disguised, it is a sure thing that the Ares Microtechnology cops who are pursuing you all will not be able to find you and you have a moment of reprieve. Phew. Did you guys bring that floating case with you? Oh, I go back to get the case. I go back to get the case, Dave. I go back to get the case.

Yep. Sorry, bring the case back to these guys. Oh, me think we should punch some holes in that case so Johnny PlayStation can breathe. Serious? Yeah, me had a dog me got from my dad the day after. Anyway, me

forgot to punch holes in the box and... Yeah, I had a grasshopper when I was a kid and I... Sorry, that's not roleplaying. Anyway, I thought we were just chatting. All right, so... We should punch holes?

I think that Bobby has the presence of mind to say that's not a great idea. He's probably frozen. Okay. Is that... I mean, do I need to do an intelligence check or anything? They're your friends. You can just convince them.

I don't know if you will. I think... Here's the thing. I think this is keeping him contained. And since he tried to run away from us last time that we ran into him, I think if we can keep him contained like this, it'll be easier to manage.

And in fact, Sour said to keep him... to have him in a cryo vacuum. That is true. Mr Sour expected him to arrive by cryo cells. We're fine. Okay. So just punch one hole then I think I think now that we're in Freeside

and there's all these rich people around like what why don't we just stay here with the rich people forever because we don't have any we don't have any money

our heads will explode oh let's go find let's go get a doctor to remove these fucking you know this now's go get a doctor to remove these fucking... You know this. Now, Simon already saw a doctor, and he wasn't able to get it removed, so... These are the rich...

This is the 1% doctors. I'm sorry. The 1% of the 1%. Yeah, this is like the 0.01% of doctors. That was very quick, Simon. I know you guys are addicted to gambling now. All right. So now that we have our costumes, we should head towards the...

The dock in the Vos Saito area. The Vos Saito dock area. Okay. All right. The Vos Saito dock area is not a Vos Saito dock area, but it is a fortified compound that the family owns. So as you arrive on the outskirts, these are small streets leading off the central piazza

that make their way towards the houses. And every major family of 2075 is represented. You can see the compound that holds the Voss-Saito family, that glorious union of the Germanic Voss family and the Japanese Saito firm that formed one of the greatest megacorporations of our age. And as you arrive at the gates, you see that they are heavily guarded by two mechanical beings on tracks with what seem to be miniguns on their hands

that are scanning people as they come through. I wish I had fingies. You're still quite far away. You're not quite at the gates yet, but you can see that those walls of this compound seem to follow the villa around.

So if we just go up to the front... Yeah, will they have our names? They might. We're working for Boss Saito. Are you working for Boss Saito? We're working for Mr Sour. Who's with Horizon? All right, gotcha.

Interestingly enough, for instance, just to be clear, Horizon would also have a compound. Whoa. Should Sour have us get picked up? So what are we doing at Vos Saito then? Or have we gotten confused? Let's go to the Horizon compound then. Which is the one that Filge used to run?

Horizon. Absolutely. Firstly, she did not run Horizon. Filge was a junior vice president for four days of Horizon. Best damn junior vice president they ever had. Haven't replaced me yet. Cannon. Cannon.

If we say something to Dave while Dave's sipping his wine, we can call it cannon before he has a chance to. Those are unfortunately the

rules. You going to go there? We should go to the Horizon Compound. Horizon Compound. Okay, you make

your way to the Horizon Compound. Are there people in the streets and stuff? There are. The guards at the doors of the

Horizon Compound are not mechanical monstrosities like at Vos Saito. They are humans. I'm glad I have fingies. Me too. But also, as you make your way there, I want you all to make a perception check for me. DC, 13. 20.

14 for Alex and I got a 15. 15. Oh, perception. Yeah, plus whatever. Everyone, amazing. Not me and I got a 15 of perception yeah plus whatever everyone amazing what do you got not me I got a 10 okay Bobby you are oblivious

the rest of you you notice lounging against what you now recognise as a data link terminal one of the sort of

excuse me computer notes it's not funny I just coughed no it's very amusing alright do it again It's not funny, I just coughed. No, it's very amusing. Do it again. It's very funny. You see lounging against one of the data link terminals nearby a being

who is lounging in a way that suggests they want to be inconspicuous, but are dressed in a hyper-coloured trench coat. And what I mean by that is if you remember the 1980s fad of hyper-coloured trench coat. And what I mean by that is if you remember the 1980s fad of hyper-coloured T-shirts. Where you blow on it and it gets all different coloured.

It's that, but a trench coat. They also have an asymmetrical haircut that starts green here and then goes red and then purple and then chrome and then blue. What colour is chrome? And they are wearing a monocle that is constantly showing a stream of zeros and ones. Ooh. And now we're going to approach that. You don't have to.

You could ignore them. If I saw that person, I'd ignore them. They just seem like a lot of fucking work. I feel like Dave's put a lot of effort into building up this character and I basically want to know what voice Ben's got prepared for this. I told Ben about this character about a minute before the show. So I also want to know what voice Ben's got going for this.

So I will front up and approach this person trying to be inconspicuous. What are you going to say to him? up and approach this person trying to be inconspicuous. What are you going to say to him? Hey, do you mind if I have a look at this data terminal, please? This isn't me, thank God. What? Oh, I just... Yeah, cool, I wasn't even using it.

It's cool, whatever, dude. Can I say anything on the daughter's home at all? Hey, you look like you're... You look like the guy from Monopoly. Oh, you've played my game, have you? Yeah. Oh, you've played my game, have you? Um... The famous Earth board game Monopoly?

Yeah, I've played it. Oh, what did you think of it? Um... I don't talk to my brother anymore. So great. I loved it. Well, yeah, I was the, I'm the guy from that. I made that. I did them all.

Old Kent Road. Ooh. Bond Street. Trafalgar. Oxford Man. The Big Old Circus. Piccadilly Station. Have you ever been to jail?

Oh, yeah, I've been to jail. I've seen some real fucked up shit. What have you done? Yeah, one time I opened the community chest and I went straight to jail but then I had to get out of jail free card yeah it was a wild game I'm just gonna stay here Aiden you got this so let me know

let me know when I need to come in yeah look um help me Dave he goes on to tell you what does he go on to tell him Dave I need to come in. Yeah, look Help me Dave He introduces himself to you. Oh, yeah, I'm serious Dumble boy That's the dumbest one yet! That's the worst name yet! That's worse than Sebastian Bumblebees! I came up with that name myself, man. Sirius Dumbleboy. What's your name?

Oh, wait, wait. Yeah, what's your name? Is this Hing and Eden, or is this Friso and Sirius? This is Sirius Dumbleboy. Oh. I just told you my name, and then you laughed at me. You said that was a terrible name. I don't like that we play this rule that everything I say on stage is canon.

No, my name's Uncle Pennybags. Mr. Pennybags. Uncle Moneypenny. Which is it? Uncle to my nephews and nieces. Look, my name's Freezer, but you can call me Uncle Pennybags. All right, Uncle Pennybags. A word of advice.

Eden, did you not read the notes for this adventure? Yeah. Well, I read that bit, but I don't know how I'm supposed to get them there. We're just standing on the street right now. I'm like, do you want me to say, like, come to my secret lair? No. No, you got this.

You got this. He's like, what's in the case? Oh, we have some valuable merchandise and we're looking for our contact. Oh, well, maybe I can help. Can I, Dave? What are you... All right, let's...

What are you doing? Serious Dumbleboy, just to paint the picture, in his hyper-coloured trench coat and asymmetrical haircut, as everybody in the future seems to have, has a entire, from his wrist through to his elbow,

a strange sheath of hyper-electric goods. So he has strange displays and he has a series of plugs behind his ear. And you realize that he is one of the futuristic techno-fetishists that you've met before, particularly common in the young of 2075.

Those people who have left the meat space behind for the marvels and virtues of the Matrix. He is a revolutionary in his own way, one who sees a world not of colour and class but of zeros and ones. You're not trying to hack Horizon, are you?

From this terminal here? Oh god, is it obvious? Is it that obvious? Is it just, oh god, oh this is, I gotta get out of here. Bye. He starts to go. I say, oh, God, oh, this is, I've got to get out of here. Bye. And he starts to go. I say, wait a second. You're interested in hacking, you say? I'm interested.

I really enjoy it. But you're good? Yeah, I'm good. I just hacked that cred stick in your pocket. And you look at it and it has zero credits on it. You know what, friend? I don't even care. Because they're not all that.

Whoa, whoa. Oh, hey. Whoa. For instance, you couldn't do anything like big time. I could do it big time. I brought down the the Thimerian outpost on Zander 12. Wait, an outpost?

Yeah, just so I started. How many people were at the outpost? Like two people at the outpost. Yeah. Good job. Somebody really impressive could say let four complete strangers say just walk straight into the control room of Freeside.

Like that would be a big fucking deal. Remember you're outside Vos Sido but you now are talking about the control room. Outside Horizon. Oh yes, thank you.

I got this. Well, I mean yeah that would be like fine. How much prep time would you need to do something like that? None.

I could walk in right now just open the doors with my bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Make a DC-12 persuasion check for me. We're back, baby! 18. 18. All right. So, yeah, you've got his fighting blood up. Well, yeah, look, I just got to...

I'm ready. Let's go now. Let's do it. Let's bring this mother down. Let's bring her down from the inside. Fuck the police. We need a... If you're going to do this... We need a safe spot to stash our merchandise. Can you accommodate?

Sure, you can take it to my dad's house And as he says that he taps some numbers on the wrist sheath of electronics that he has and the wall, which seemed to not have any sort of doors in it, slides open. Amazing, Benny And inside

you see a kind of neon lit pathway that if anything looks more 1980s than futuristic, but here we are. And he walks you through it. This is my Galaga machine. This is

my X-Men four player. he's very quickly taking you into a room full of pinball machines yeah do you have the Simpsons arcade machine yes

this is Street Fighter 2 this is Tekken tournament have you got Tomb of Annihilation this is Street Fighter 2 Champion Edition yeah all of the

fighting games do you have Tomb of Annihilation what no no but if I ever... It's not in my collection. Anyway, welcome to my secret lair.

And there is a room with crimson velour. There is a single double bed with crimson velour bedspreads. There is a graph wall that has a picture of him with two hot babes on either arm firing twin Uzis with a mohawk, which he doesn't have. Pretty sweet, right?

Basically a lot of stuff that is not very cool, but may seem cool to someone who is not cool. Listen, I know who you all are, and I know that you've got Johnny PlayStation in that case. All of the security radio comms have been going crazy about some half-orc and a tiny man and an incredibly handsome...

All right, that's enough, Eden. Me not a half-orc. Me just the sexy sister of a humble dress shop owner. I can see right through you with my internet. Anyway, I've been stuck on Freeside since I was a kid. And I'm just so bored with these pretentious, stuck up prick assholes. I don't want to bring them down. Down.

Down. Well, I mean. We don't really need you, that's all. Yeah. Yeah, because actually, you're looking at an expert hacker right in the old face. And at that moment, yeah, that's a good point. So you are holding, no, but Filch is holding a Cyberline 500, which is one of the most amazing cyberdecks designed in 2075.

And she has gear on her, given to her by Mr Sour, that is some of the most sort of premier gear you could have. Can I jump into the internet and test her metal? Like, go into my mind? Like a Matrix-style duel? Yeah. You know what? You can.

All right. At that moment, he sees it. He sees the gear that you hold. He nods imperceptibly. His eyes shift into a kind of chromatic neon blue, and he seems to freeze to all of you. But to you, Friso, he explodes into power, creating a... Friso?

Sorry, to Filch. He becomes a dragon of strange pixelated power, towering stories high above you. You can spin out your Cyberline 500 at this point if you want. I do that. And there are chicks either side of him. Pixelated chicks. Not real chicks. I cannot

describe enough that this is not real. He's put a lot of time into designing them. They're very realistic. You're going to enter the Matrix? Yeah, Filch also nods imperceptibly and her eyes go that colour. Alright, you get plus six because of your sophisticated gear. You get plus six.

So what is an intelligence check? You are going to have to roll here. Fighting in the internet. Oh, that's very good. All right, so you rolled a 19. You get plus six on top of your intelligence check and your proficiency, which will bring it to plus nine. And you get a 24,

which means that Filge wins. Yes. So what do you do that beats him in that moment? Filge turns into that dragon's two girlfriends, the ones on either side, and says, We know you're really a loser in real life. says, we know you're really a loser in real life.

And then they start making out, but he can't see. I cannot stress enough that to the rest of you, all that's happened is that Filge and him, their eyes have gone chromatic blue, and they've started tapping on keyboards that they wear on their belts. Is Filge maybe making a kissing face? Maybe.

A little bit. But inside this like eons have passed and you have been well and truly bested. And as the light disappears from both of your eyes, Friso smiles at you with a smile. Filch. Why am I doing this? Filch smiles at you with a smile.

And all the same day. Filch smiles at you with the smile of a champion. Everyone's name is Frieza, right? You've bested me. Yeah, you don't want to know the internet things I've done. I, Serious Dumble Boy, and my hacking crew, the Zhivago 12,

are at your disposal. And at that moment, you realize imperceptibly that power has shifted in the city of Freeside and the Zhivago 12, the most underground and sophisticated hacking outfit. Children of the 1% of the 1% who believe in nothing but anarchy and the free flow of information now serve directly you because you have bested their leader, Filge.

Great. We already knew you were going to do that because me also use the internet. So here's what you're going to do, boys. Where are your boys? Do they live in the internet or are they in real life? They're not all here. They're at their houses. We can Skype them.

Yeah, we can. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And in whatever the future version of Google Hangout, 11 small... It's definitely not Google Hangout. Let me tell you that. 11 windows appear with faces with each haircut more asymmetrical than the last. Does it go full rotation to it at a certain point?

Like, they're either bald or it's a completely normal haircut. As you see, the 11 other faces of the Zhivago 12 appear, all of them young hackers, all keen, all ready for a win. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hello! Expecto retronum dudes! That's it! Guys, I think we agreed that we would all say the team cry when we got together, yeah? Expecto retronum.

Expecto retronum. We all say it in unison. Expecto retronum. Meet your patronum now, boys and girls. This is Filch. She beat me in the internet. I've never seen anything like it. She totally humiliated me.

We need to get into the control room of... Freeside. Freeside. You're going to do it. The control room of Freeside? What? No, that's not right. Oh, I think we're fine. The control room of Freeside? What? No, that's not right. Oh, I think you're fine. The control room of Freeside?

Is she taking crazy pills? Is that, Dave, is that back where we were or is it in a separate place? That is a separate place. And that is the voice, yeah, of Hermione the Ranger Danger, who is another fearsome hacker of the Zhivago 12. who is another... ...theosim hacker of the Zhivago 12. Hehehehehehehehe.

What? You're not scared, are you, Hermione? Well, no, of course not. I just think that's a pretty big step up for the 12 of us. I mean, we were doing outposts and sort of changing websites to have bad words on them, but, I mean, in the control center? Um, Haggis here. If we go in through the service ducts, it'll be imminently doable.

Expect a retronome. Oh. Revel Rothbottom here. Revel Wrongbottom? That's good. He's a talking dog. The best hacker on the team. Can he please be...

Is there technology that he can be a talking dog? Yeah, Revel Wrongbottom is a talking dog. Well, I don't really know about this. Just type in the text box. Just type in the text box. I don't want to write in the text box. As he says that, a little dot, dot, dot appears, and then the auto-translator says,

I don't really know about this. I don't want to talk in the text box. Well, you don't got a choice. Do it, Ben, do it. Ben, do it. Do this character. Do this Harry Potter character. How about you, the quiet one over there?

Hey, everybody, Ching Chong. What? Boo! Boo! Boo! He fucking wrote it down and made me say it. He did nothing at the sword.

We are all in this room that the podcast can't see. I wrote down the word. And we can tell you that Hing never wrote that down. He wrote, please be respectful of my culture and Alex's culture. Yeah, and then I wrote, a funny joke would be if you said Harry Snotter. And I don't know why you decided to say. Please, please, podcast listeners! Believe me!

I'm looking at the note. Oh, he scratched it up! She's out. She's out, Sis Phil. You didn't even do the Scottish accent. I did! Anyway. We're now the... You're now the Javago Eleven. And she turns off the screen.

Oh, and one of the screens dies and Ching Chong disappears. What a shame. Oh, boy. The Javago 11, now working for you. So, you up for it? Here's what's in it for you. A chance to stick it to your mums and dads for one. Oh, that sounds really good.

Plus, me write you a really good referral letter for university. Of hackers. Of hackers. Yeah, to the University of Hackers, which is in the space, Jupiter. It's on the planet Jupiter. Is it? Canon.

Canon. Fortunately, I believe it's Canon. I guess it? Canon. Canon. Fortunately, I believe it's Canon. I guess it's Canon. But it's a correspondence university. The Zhivago 12. The Zhivago 12. 11. 11.

Once the scions and young clones of the richest of the rich, those that would one day rule this fetid world orbited by this golden satellite, this space of wonders, of miracles, of technological marvels, too terrible to imagine and too beautiful to contemplate, now under the control of you, Filge, a half-orc idiot who has stumbled into this world unbeknownst to logic and reason,

somehow succeeded and thrived even, a junior executive of the Horizon Corporation for reasons that we do not know, with your friends, a half-elf? High elf? High elf, though. High elf. Weirdo.

We've been doing this for three years. A halfling rogue with some wit about him and a wannabe monk known as

Beston to his friends and a terror with a winged foot to his enemies now facing down against Vos Saito

terror of our age and make a cooperation with plans and designs on the mind who will one day perhaps take over this world and bring doom to all who walk it

unless they can be bested by that ragtag group of adventurers known only to fate, misfortune and chance as the Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Michael Hing, Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, NPCs played by Ben Jenkins and Eden Lacey, Dungeon Master is David Harmon, I do the music, I'm Benny Davis, Shakira Khan designs our website.

Is that everyone? Alex, Simon, Hing, Dave, Ben, Eden, me. Yeah. Did we have a guest? Nah, fuck it