Dragon Friends - #3.15. The Singing Water Company

Episode Date: September 20, 2017

"I just...I just feel like there's more singing in our Dungeons and Dragons podcast than in others" - Dave Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the varied and horrible adventures of the dragon friends you have tapped into a great many destructive powers a magic sword forged in the fire of a brother's hatred a mechanical collar that can tame a dragon, prehistoric unionism. But never have the dragon friends been confronted with a weapon so powerful or perplexing as the Zhivago 12, a clandestine group of hackers from the year 2075, now at your beck and call, Filge. The considerable talents of the Z12, as they are called by the corporate IT experts, to whom's hearts they strike terror,

are at your disposal. Now doors at last can be opened by this group. Sensitive information can be accessed. The seemingly ironclad security systems of the elite can be brought to their knees. None of this, however, can be contemplated at this exact moment because even as you begin to think at Bobby Pancakes, your phone begins to ring and it can of course

be only one man. Your patron, your guide, your jailer, all rolled into one accent that is very offensive to Ben's wife and Ben's wife's family, Mr. Sour. Hello, bees! I'm telling you for the last time, I'm not wife and Ben's wife's family, Mr. Sour. Hello bees. You stop, I'm telling you for the last time,

I'm not bees. Anyway, important thing. Hey, how big mission go, yeah? Good, good, good, good, good. We've got Johnny in the box. You have him in cryo cell? Yep. Can you read brand on side of cryo cell for me?

Yep. It has, of course, the triple triangle design of Voss Saito. Triangle, triangle, triangle. Okay. Then it says Voss Saito, and then there's a drawing of a fish licking a turnip. Canon. I think this is like the first thing I think is real. The second thing I think is like a bumper sticker.

Oh yeah, Friso put a bumper sticker on this. It also says honk if you're horny. And then you hear down the line, honk. I am sad, old man. Now look, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you have the package and you can deliver it soon. The bad news is the explosive sacks in the back of your head. Why do you always laugh when I say explosive sacks?

They are primed to detonate pretty soon, so you need to get them to an airlock. Okay, can you send us some coordinates? As he does, yes, the phones start to vibrate and flash, and suddenly schematics show up, and you recognize the central plaza and the corridors that you've now recognized as Freeside, and one area, a big compound... Good news, it's in Freeside. A big compound of a number of buildings, a large villa and

what seems to be some kind of corporate towers starts to flash red and the same triangular, three triangle logo flashes on it. Is Vos Saito. Unfortunately the only airlock that will take PlayStation is one that will take a Vos Sto Crypto...

Cryo Crypt. Cryo Cell. Are you okay? No, I'm... I'm very sad and lonely. Oh, you did not mean that. Yeah, it's like a Nespresso machine. Only take Nespresso pod.

You know this? You can jam Aldi ones in there. How does Freezo know that? How does Friso know that? How does Filch know that? They probably had a machine at corporate headquarters. Yeah, she had one. She didn't want to... There was like a jar in the office where you had to put in $2

every time she wanted to use a pod, and she realised that that was bullshit. She could just go to Aldi and buy a packet herself and keep it in her drawer at work. Let me ask, is that Filge? Let me ask you. Hello! How long did Nespresso machine last when you jam

Aldi pod in? Well, me just turned Nespresso machine into big coffee cup. And what happened to Aldi pod when you jam it in? Went down my throat. So this does not illustrate my point perfectly,

but you get my point. Do we have any credentials or cover with any fake IDs that'll get us past the gates? Sneaking is your department. My department is switching off the things that kill you. Mr Sauer tells you that the only deal that he made was to get you the credentials that got you as far as Freeside. Wait, wait, wait.

If you can switch off the things that kill us, why don't you just do it now? Because I don't have the thing I need. But if we take too long, we'll die and then you won't get it anyway. Yeah, I take this risk. All right. How much longer do they have? Yeah, how much longer do we have? Well, you're Shadowrunners. You're deniable assets and you're not the only ones that

work for the fixer named Sour. So if you don't succeed, he will have another group. Yeah, somebody else comes in. You know Davey? Oh, yeah. You met Davey? Yeah. Yeah, he's hanging about waiting. If you die, he mop it up. Ah, he'd do a good job.

Yeah. Why didn't you get Davey to do it in the first place? Davey's unreliable. He has meth habit. Like future meth? How sad. No, it's like regular. You know what happened?

We could never improve on meth. The high water mark for meth was like 2017. Very pure. So yeah, I'm not particularly concerned about this, but you should be. I think it's in exact science, so maybe 12 hours, maybe 6. So as soon as we get the cryo chamber on the tug, you'll switch off the set? The video feed shows Sour again, and now he's holding a little remote

with an ostentatious red button. Yeah, I flick switch. You know what happens? It deactivates. It goes into your poo, and you poo it out later. Totally harmless. Sometimes, though,

you poo it out, it goes into the sewer, and then it blows up like 20 years later. Like one of those mines that somebody steps on. Anyways, this is not your concern. Just a bit of

world building. Well, thank you so much and we look forward to not dying very soon. Yeah, so go to the airlock, the coordinates in your phone. Bye-bye. And with that, he goes, bye-bye bees oh damn it and you see his hand go to the script and then it goes blank um and as he's been talking to you

your host serious dumbo boy is looking at you with a quizzical expression between his very dumb Oh, hey guys. So, you need to get that case to the Vos Sido Corporation airlock. There's something that I haven't been telling you. What is it?

Yeah, spill the beans. My father is the president of, spill the beans. My father is the president of Fossido. Is that right, Dave? Nope. That's not right. I was wrong. So that you're clear, Eden, Sirius Dumbleboy is actually Sirius 6

Dumbleboy, and the reason he has that designation is he is a corporate clone. He's an asset owned by Horizon who will be activated if anything happens to the president and then something happens to the president's five primary clones. Yeah, I'm just like number six on the line. They treat me like shit.

Wait, for Horizon? Yes, which is where, remember, that's where you came and that's where you met him. Right. But I'm a person, you know, and as a person Prove it! I like show, he shows him a nipple.

Alright. He has to unbuckle quite a lot of straps to get there, because it's a very strange shirt. Wait, so how is that going to help us get into the Vos Saito compound? My nipple? I was just proving that I was a person.

With that, Dumble Boy says, you don't get it, do you, man? It's not who you're related to. It's who you know. And as he says that, he's typing and he presses a button and the 12 video terminals all activate in hologrammatic fields around him. Bar one. Showing 11 of the faces of the Zhivago 12 and one empty chair of a member who was fired

because they had a racist name, is that right? Yes. Because somebody was tricked into saying a racist thing on stage. Which I guess means, Filj, that you are now the 12th member of the Zhivago 12. How come my head not on the screen? He sheepishly grabs a web camera on a hinge and sort of focuses at you types a bit

and then after a while your face appears as well. Hey, hello! There's also a little drone that is hovering in front of him, filming him. Expecto retronum, Filch. Expecto retronum, my super dudes. My super little hackies. How are my hackies going today? Anyone do some good hacks?

Oh, hello and welcome. That's Haggis' voice now. I eat real good racks. That is, of course, Revel Wrongbottom. The talking dog. The talking dog who hacks. And I'm Snopes on a Plane. Wait, let me do it.

Alan Rickman. Snopes on a Plane. So my plan... The man is dead! My plan with Sirius Dumbleboy was that all of the names were kind of like 21st century pop culture, and I was thinking we would have Caterattering Everclear and like Autobots Rollout and names like that. That's good.

But are we just doing Harry Potter? We don't have to. We can shake it up. What are you doing here? Yeah, what's another one of them? Satoshi Nakamoto is his name. What's that? Tell us about Satoshi Nakamoto.

Satoshi Nakamoto is his name. What's that? Tell us about Satoshi Nakamoto. Satoshi Nakamoto is his name and founding cryptocurrencies is his game. That's his introductory rap. Yeah, you see a Japanese DJ who is staring impassively at the screen and just making markers with

strange computers, a peripheral that seems to be like a cyber gauntlet, and as he draws, currencies of all around the world appear in crystallised pixelated forms, tessellate and disappear. What about you, Alex? You want to name one of the Zhivago 12? Yep. Another one's name is Laura Norder. Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying... Laura Norder.

Are you saying Laura N Order. Are you saying Laura... Norder. Norder or Lauren Order? Because they're both good names. They're twins? And they hack together in the same screen? They hack together. Lauren Order.

Lauren Order and Lauren Order. If they're twins... And their surname is SBU? Yeah. Lauren Order and Lauren surname is SBU? Yeah. Laura Noida and Laura Noida are twins who, although separated at birth, have performed with one consciousness their entire lives and therefore hold just one membership in the Zhivago 12.

Good retcon today. They operate dual platforms, and everything that they do is in sync. It is rumoured even that when one feels pain, the other feels it too. Simon. My one will be like a bored rich housewife from Freeside who has decided to take up hacking because she hates her husband.

Is she good at it? Yeah, she's great because she has so much anger. Is there a reality TV show based around her? No, it's just too secret. It's not the Real Housewives of Freestide type thing. What's her name? Her name is Serial Night Vale. Very nice.

Alright, great. That's really good. Does Aiden have one? Do you want to do one? I've got heaps. I've got to do Serious Dumbleboy Haggis and now Snape's on a plane. Wait, can I put this to a one? Yeah. Do you want to do one? I've got heaps. I've got to do Serious Dumble Boy Haggis and now Snipes on a Plane. Wait, can I put this to a vote? Yeah. Because I was going to do Snipes on a Plane or I was going to be like a sexy lady hacker and her name is Mail Chimp.

Yes, that one. Yeah, absolutely, Mail Chimp. That one's pretty good. All right. That one. Okay, Mail Chimpery. So amidst the cacophony of a thousand mouse clicks and this veritable smorgasbord of incredibly original character design, you gather into sweaty, gross, stained with fast food sofas.

And cum. In what seems to be a kind of rumpus room, long abandoned by all of the Horizon family, in which Sirius has made his lair. There are a few arcade machines in the corner, none of them working. There is a pool table missing all of the pool, balls, the cues, and most of the felt. So it's a table.

Can I ask a question? If he's a clone of the president, is he the same age as the president or is he younger? So he's a young version of the president. He's adolescent. Does he have the same DNA as the president? Yeah, exact match. So if he did a crime and the cops found him,

they would think the president did it. If they didn't know that all of the court presidents have clones. But everyone knows that there are clones. But yeah, if you're very rich, you probably have a peripheral in this world, which is what presidents have clones. This is not a... Oh, but everyone knows that there are clones. But yeah, if you're very rich, you probably have a peripheral in this world, which is what they call clones. So... That's so hurtful.

He sits there and he sort of noisily eats an uncooked Pop-Tart as... They're better this way. Spraying crumbs in your direction, Filge, he continues to pontificate. Yeah, just because I share the genetic DNA with him doesn't mean I'm not my own person. And my solution to really making my dad know who I am is to bring this all down.

All of it. All of it. All of it. So I just wanted to say that, like, if you guys are down for death and destruction, mayhem, chaos, other words, other adjectives, anybody got a thesaurus? Other words for chaos? Take a note.

Mayhem. Mayhem. Mayhem. Mayhem. That is the correct word. Yes. From Filch? A hullabaloo.

A hullabaloo. A hullabaloo. A ruckus. Helter skelter. A big old mess. Hellmell. Oh, sorry, I'm here. He's not. He's not in Freeside.

No, we're actually, Bobson Dugnut was last seen, and not to be confused with Dobson Bugnut, who was sadly shaking maracas in the Skyway Lounge. That sounds like a great, that's a great euphemism. Bobson Dugnut was last seen with the tribe with the tribe of the million kings um which is a kind of apocalyptic death cult

he was wasn't he outside of the haystack can we flash to there uh yeah all right actually let's say the scene so um there are a million news feeds. Information Overload is sort of your trademark Sirius. And so Sirius Dumbleboy has a huge screen that has many, many different news feeds. But one of them catches your eye, which seems to be a figure standing amidst a muster of... Yeah, he's got all these like Tribe of Million Kings people who have that like kind of skull with... Yeah. It's like of skull with, yeah. It's like a skull with glasses. Skull with glasses emblazoned into their skin

but also heaps more people and he's like, do you hear the people sing? And they're like, yeah! He's like singing a song of angry men and they're like, yay! They don't know he's stealing it so they think it's really good and it rhymes for some reason. And they're really getting into it and you realise that Bobson has become like a revolutionary figure down in Gomorrah.

And has he chanced? There are two huge ogres that are pounding drums. Slaves that have been enslaved in his name are being dragged away. There are feasts. About to start when tomorrow comes. Oh, Bobson, do Castle in the Clouds. There is a castle on a cloud. And while he sings.

I like to go there in my sleigh. As he sings, his people begin to pound on the walls of the haystack and you can already see cracks beginning to form as the people rise up. And people dispossessed are people who will not go cold again. Could I just say that he only knows those two? He wishes he knew some more of the thumpy ones, but he knows those two. There is a room that's full of toys. I just love that they're all singing finger thong instead of sing.

They think that's the word. Finger thong. singing thing-a-thong instead of they think that's the word thing-a-thong however you have no more time to see anything else because Dumble Boy presses a button and all of the screens coalesce as one and they form a schematic that shows once again the layout of Freeside

and as he taps two different places one of them blinks blue which seems to be a central security node and the other one he taps the Vossider complex which blinks blue, which seems to be a central security node. And the other one, he taps the Voss Cider Complex, which blinks an angry red. That's where you're going to need to get your package to, into the Voss Cider Complex. And he indicates it in Airlock, which is accessible inside their territory. But look, the security there is tight, even for me to get through. The security there is tight, even for me to get through. You need a Vos Saito ID to get in, and I can't provide that for you.

It's actually more than that. You need citizenship. So Vos Saito is extraterritorial, which means that they own that space, and they only allow citizens of their own sovereign country, which they formed by corporate law. So is that like a passport situation, or is it an internal chip? What is the... It would be your sin chip. Your citizenship, like all people in this sixth age,

is encoded in your sin chip. So we don't have chips, do we? You have fake sin chips, but they say that you are residents of Japan. I thought the chips were fake. Yes, they are very fake. But they just say we're Japanese. Yes. Right, okay.

Japanese, nothing to see here, nothing to worry about, very normal people. But you're in the wrong place for them to help you. So we need to hack our SIM chips to get into the Voss Sider complex. It's not, I don't think this is beyond even my amazing, spectacular hacking abilities. So then we need to cut off an arm of someone. Look, the only thing I can think is, if you could crash the whole system,

there would be a window. So that arm thing's not necessary. Probably not. So you're saying crash the whole system of Freeside? And Hermione Ranger Danger pips up and she goes, that's right, by my calculations, because she speaks like that for some reason. No, she does.

You've actually nailed how I tried to speak last week. If you could hack the central core or otherwise bring the processors down, there would be a window of about 94 seconds. During that time, they wouldn't be able to track anyone's sins. You could get through just about any door in Freeside. So, thanks, Hermione. My first voice! Very good.

Do, do, do, do, do. Oh! We have a cube. Yeah. We have a little box thing. Yes, you do. I think... This is what was given to you by Julian Fairbanks?

The implication was that if we rammed that box into the computer in the middle of Freeside, it would crash the system. But I don't think he was specific about what it would do. Let me see that. Did Dumble Boy make a roll to know what it is? Yep, yep. Yeah, that's a six, but plus 14. Dumble Boy doesn't know what it is, but he holds it up to Haggis,

and Haggis recognises a haywire cube when he sees one. Oh, aye, it's a haywire cube. That'll really fuck shit up. It has a small disbursement electromagnetic containment disruptor field, which will destroy or at least fry all circuits in a, I'm going to say, 10-foot radius. Very well done, Aidan.

All right, so we need to do two things then. We've only got 94 seconds. When the system goes down, we need to have people in place to go through the doors at Vos Sido. But we can't remotely access the control room and do the box thing. So we're going to have to, I think, split up.

I'm not leaving. Johnny says Bastogne. Okay, so Bastogne's going to lead the Johnny Patrol and go to the Vos Saito complex and wait by the doors. That's what I have to do to stay near him. Is anyone going to go with Bastogido complex and wait by the doors. That's what I have to do to stay near him. Is anyone going to go with Bastogne?

Yeah, I'll go. Stootman, unite. All right, Bobby and Bastogne make their way to Vos Sido, to the public entrances, which I suppose means Filge and Friso take the haywire cube to the control room. It makes sense for Filge to go to there because she's the hacker. Great. Do you guys want to plan at all?

Or are you just going to split up straight away? Okay, good plan, guys. Bye. Dumbleboy does you one better. He gives one member of each party a headset, which will allow you to talk on some of the dark... One member? I wouldn't be paying by the headset.

It's like dark web crypto software. So he can guarantee a secure line, but he can't create many of them. Do you want to roll for it? Yep. All right. Okay. Higher you want to roll for it? Yep. All right. Okay. Higher than 16.

You get it. Lower than 16, I get it. Okay, deal. Four and nine, I guess. Four and nine. I guess I get it. Okay. All right.

Do we have a plan? Do we need to dress up the cryo chamber as a stack of cans of Coke to put into the vending machines or something? Dumble Boy goes, that's a great idea, and he rumbles around inside a chest that is full of comic books, like empty Coke cans. He turns it into a giant trade paperback. Yeah, Magic the Gathering cards and very distressing pornography.

And at the bottom he finds... If we cover it with distressing pornography, no one will want to look at it. Inside he finds a small mem chip and he makes a few adjustments and then he just tapes it to the side, presses a button and it shimmers and the entire thing changes into what looks like

just water canisters all in racks. Nice. Delivery boys. Hello. Impeccably true. Oh, wait, do we have characters? Oh, yes, let's walk on them. Okay.

On the walkover. All right, great. Okay, great. Great. Dumbo Boy says, Me and the rest of the 12 will stay online and look out for any ice or countermeasures that are in your way and do the best that we can to help you.

However, we will also send each of you an escort. And so they will meet you at the locations that you're going. For now, Godspeed, Excelsior, and expecto ratronum. Expecto ratronum. Expecto ratronum. Expecto ratronum. Expecto ratronum. Expecto ratronum. And with that, you guys can go. All right, so we'll start with you guys.

Now, the central core is off the main plaza where you were before, right next to the racist cartoon costume shop. Oh, man, I listened to that back. Fucking hell. You don't come across well. I don't. I come across very listened to that back. Fucking hell. You don't come across well. I don't. I come across very poorly in that recording.

Yeah, let's hope that character doesn't come back. Yeah. Benny, couldn't you twiddle to make it less racist? Couldn't you down the... Oh, yes, I could have. And so as you make your way to the plaza, you see the rich, the 1% of the 1% strolling, is eating ice creams,

enjoying strange technical pursuits and luxuries. Is that what you think rich people do all day? Ice cream, ice cream, blah, blah, blah. Now that I've made my millions, I will enjoy a Monaco bar. And the central core itself is surprisingly unguarded, the public entrances, presumably because all the really important stuff happens downstairs. It's really just a kind of node,

a hub that any people in Freeside can use and rent computer terminals to do anything they need to do. So it's just the two of us? No, because waiting at the door are two other figures. It's 2075, but there are still internet cafes. Waiting at the door. Dave, what video games were installed on these computers in 2075? It was just League of Legends.

People still play League of Legends. in 2075. It's just League of Legends. People still play League of Legends. In 2075. Just a little bit of StarCraft 2. So, waiting at the door, you see two figures. Both women, both humanoid women, both of them dressed very idiosyncratically. One of them seems to be wearing a kind of luxurious, almost dressing gown, but very functional boots.

And the other one is dressed as a sort of femme fatale um with a monogrammed dress that has tiny apes all around it it is of course um male chimp and serial night veil who will be your escorts on this mission can i say there's a third person there who's like a middle-aged lady who's wanting to go to the net cafe to write a novel what's her name her name's her name's megan all right so i want you to just realize because the room is otherwise empty you don't need to interact with megan but she's there just tapping away in the corner with it her earphones in just listening to james taylor away in the corner with her earphones in, just listening to James Taylor. Can I walk up and just look and read over her shoulder and just read a little

bit of what she's writing? You can only make out two sentences which go... You're reading it. But Filch can't read. Filch can't read. Potentially, Megan is reading this out loud. She's one of those people who's reading it out loud. Is it like, oh, I see you're interested in my novel.

Oh, not really. Do you know, it's inspired by something that happened to me in my life when I opened a pottery shop in Byron Bay. Would you like to read some? His hands were strong like a plumber's hands. And his eyes were soft like an artist's. That's enough. Good luck, lady.

And Serial Night Vale goes, email me a copy. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, they're here to help you on this mission and provide any assistance that they can as fellow members of the Zhivago 12. So we need to get into the control room of this net cafe. Yes. All right.

So is there a person working in the net cafe? Sorry. Is the entire system of Freeside run out the back of a net cafe? Is that what I'm understanding? It's like there's a public complex that's like a library, right? And then there are people that work there and then there is an elevator out the back

you need probably a security to get into that takes you down into the court. Is there a boy trying to print out his assignment on bugs? He should probably use paper. That'd be more practical. It's a history assignment and he's in the corner rubbing coffee into it to make it look old.

I missed the word. Simon did a dad joke. So you've scoped out the place and you're in the public area and you've kind of got a moment to act. It's actually getting towards the end of the day and soon the terminals will be closing but you probably have half an hour still. So let's go up to the person at the

front of the cafe. Fraser's going to approach whoever's running the cafe and apply for a job. Alright, there is a dwarf, a quite actually bureaucratic-looking dwarf who is wearing an incredibly wide cuffed shirt and thick rubber gloves that seem like acid proof

and he's looking over old manuscripts and archiving them. Oh, you guys looking for any... B-b-b-b-b-b-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And he points at a bell. And the bell says, ring for assistance. Friso rings the bell. And he does this, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And then he turns one more page, puts it aside and goes,

can I help you? Hello, I am wanting to apply for your work experience program that is being run out of this library that I heard about at school. I'm a young boy. Aren't you dressed as like a millionaire? Yeah, you're dressed as Uncle Pennybags. I'm a young boy. Why does it chill my blood to hear Friso say, I'm a young boy. Why does it chill my blood to hear Friso say,

I'm a young boy? I'm a young boy who's just interested in reading and knowledge and I would like to work here at the library. Does what make a deception check with your new super-statted character? Come on! You have charisma what? 20. No, but I got rid of my history proficiency because I never used it. You got what?

What? You don't need it. You were born in a temple. You spent your life in a temple with nothing but the books of the history of Faerun. But if you look back at the last three seasons of Dragon Friends, Fritho knows fuck all about anything. He's not wrong.

He's not wrong. What I've done, Dave, is I've actually spent the last three years playing this character as though he was min-maxed and failing miserably. And now I've redone the roles. Alright, let's give this a crack. For the podcast,

Hing threw his dice to the dice tower and missed. He even did the, like, nerd fail noise of, like, ha! Roll it again, you.

Roll it again, you nerd. That's a two. That's a two. Is that a two? Yep. It's a two. Doesn't matter how much you max it.

Plus what? Is this a deception check? Yep. Plus seven is nine? That's not two. That's a two. Is that a two? That's a two. That's a two. Doesn't matter how much you max it. Plus what? Plus, is this a deception check? Yep. Plus seven is nine? That's not going to do it. No, it's not. Three would have done it. Okay, I'm going to level with you here.

I know you're not a child. I think you're probably somewhere in the area of several hundred years old. And a male chimp steps forward and kind of like uses her decolletage and be like, Please, mister, just give my son a job. He's been a... I just can't get him off the couch. You know children these days. They don't know anything.

Make a persuasion check plus four. Fourteen. That's not enough to make someone want to give a job to Friso. I think this... I don't think this man's your son at all. Yeah, no. Ask me anything about my mother here. I can answer any...

What's her name? Who? Okay, quickly While the sole While the sole occupant The only employee on this level of library Is occupied, Filge and You have a moment

If you want, Filge and I should say Serial knife You guys have an opportunity to Quickly make an action if you want While he's distracted Well, can we use the terminals that are there to start a hacking process? 100%. Yeah, you could jack in.

Oh, I didn't know. Okay. I thought we had to. Yeah, okay. I didn't know you were allowed to hack in, Shadowrun. So, yeah, we sit down and say, let's write our novel. Yeah, and I link the pearls around my neck

and I unclasp it and I put one end in my belly button and I plug the other end into the terminal. And that's how I jack in. All right, great. Now you have advantage. Is that also how you jack off? You're double clicking the mouse. You have advantage for this hacking check

because you are being supported ably by Serial Night Vale. So I need you to beat a 15 with an intelligence check. You, don't forget, have plus six natural hacking affinity. Plus six minus one. Plus six minus one means you make it. So you hack in and soon you have control of the entire upper level. You can control the elevators, the cameras. You could even make her computer make an irritating beeping noise.

You can do whatever you want. Do you have access to Megan's novel? I start writing... Yes, you can also download Megan's novel. I start writing... Can I start writing on Megan's screen? I cannot stress enough, this will use your action. Also, in The Matrix,

does Megan's novel play out like a real life scenario? If you're in The Matrix and you're seeing Megan's novel, does it play out as if you're stepping into the scene? I think you see it the way that she foresees it. So she was using a keyboard. If she'd been jacked in, but it's just

you see words appearing and being written. I see. So you are using your action to inhabit Megan's computer, her word processor? You're sharing a document on Google Docs. In the year 2075. Oh, the technology. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Megan doesn't notice it, but a little icon appears that says anonymous narwhal. The plumber, i type this the plumber look deep into main lady's eyes and say isn't aren't you illiterate no no like um she's not she's not typing she's using a neural mind okay sorry, sorry, sorry. And plumbers say, you should give up. And you see, like, Megan, like, typing away and then just stop. And then just, like, look at it

and then just be like... And then stand up and then just walk like... And then stand up. And then just walk out of the cafe. Yeah, you have bullied a woman into giving up her career. Let's be honest. It wasn't a good path in career. Career is a strong word. So, with that, we will, because you have used your action filge,

we will now flit across town to the arrival of our two little water boys, Bobby and Baston, who have arrived and now had time to get their story straight. Right. So we're going to do, we're water boys. Yes. We're water delivery men. Yes. And when we arrive, we'll say.

Well, the thing is, we kind of need to just sort of hang out up until the point that we can get through, right? Right. So we can just like faff around and be like, where's our delivery order? But won't we have it in front of us? We've got it. No, like the note of what level it goes to. Oh, and we'll just be like,

oh, I'm just looking through my emails. It's in here somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, cool. Okay. And with that, you arrive in a tastefully decorated main lobby area. There is actually a few pieces of glitter gleam art on hologrammatic projectors slowly rotating. You see another effigy of Johnny's face that seems to wink and tessellate and turn into stars.

There is a reception area, and waiting on a low sofa are three figures. One of them, what seems to be an impassive Japanese youth with a strange tattoo down half of his face. And two identical Siamese twins who are dressed not identically but in incredibly complimentary outfits. but in incredibly complimentary outfits. This is, of course, Sashimoto, Lauren Norder, and Laura Norder. Your contacts at the Zhivago 12. Hey.

Yeah, hey. I'm Laura. This is Lauren. This is Sashimoto. You can call him Sasha But he hates it You said I was a The alpha of the group Is quickly established You said I was a youth

But I already worked out the voice So can I just stick with the voice? Yep Hello Can I say though That he's still a youth? 100% Yeah

I'm Satoshi Nakamoto You might know me as the founder of Bitcoin I just assumed that he'd be 100 years old Because I was alive in 2017 This gang of anarcho-youths Well it's the same one who's alive now in our time But it's anyway same one who's alive now in our time, but it's anyway. Hello, fellow conspirators, he said loudly.

Keep it down, I like... Yeah, you shouldn't call us that. It's really stupid. So, like, what's the plan? You guys are, like, going to pretend to be water boys? That's so cute. What should we do to help? What's in the plan? You guys are like gonna pretend to be water boys? That's so cute. What should we do to help? What's in the trunk?

What? It's a funny, it's a fun voice to do. It's a wonderful voice. Everyone's having fun with your fun voice. What have you got in the hover dolly? I'm just really enjoying another person on this stage picking a voice and having to stick to it.

That's thrilling to me. We're going to leave Friso in Freeside and Sashimoto will go with them. Is there anyone else around? Yeah, there are. Actually, there are generally junior executives, a slow stream of salary men walking up and down,

clocking in. They all bring up as they arrive at the elevators, which have lights built into the sort of recessed light panel at the top of all of the elevators. They flash their wrists, pulling down their expensive cuffed shirts, and the lights all go green, and then they board elevators.

Has like a disgruntled middle-aged woman turned up to use the Wi-Fi? There's a very sad-looking middle-aged woman who shows up about 20 minutes later. Yeah, what's she doing? Is she the receptionist? She just turns up, opens up a laptop and starts typing away even more fervently than before. Why was she using Internet Cafe if she had a laptop?

Because she just bought a laptop. You upset her so much that she bought one. And do you know what? She couldn't afford it either. She put it on credit. And do you know what else? She downloaded Scrivener because she was like,

I'm going to really have a go at this. Did she do that or did she use Omrider? Well, yeah, maybe she does. I'm just saying that you really got in her bloody head. Good. And she starts typing sitting next to Lauren Order. Oh, that sounds really bad. Why would an artist have soft eyes?

That's stupid. You should give up. She closed the laptop slowly, gets up and walks out of the building. Okay, bye. See you later. Whatever. I'm sorry about my friend.

But other than the salary men and the woman who will not go on to write a generation's bestseller and the receptionist, of course, the room is mostly empty. Other than the four of you. So, do we need to...

We can't try and get through until the thing has happened. We could try and get through as far as we can. Right, because we want to get through the airlock. Maybe we should try and... We've got a map to where we go inside the building, right?

You have schematics on the screen of the phone that Mr. Sauer gave you. Right. Okay, cool. On our iPhone. Smartphones. Yeah. So I go up to the receptionist and I'm like, Oh, good day, love.

We've got a delivery of water. Water. We're from the singing water company. We've got a delivery of water Water We're from the singing water company We put a whistle, a song in your day And water in your water coolers That's our motto I always thought that we'd gotten rid of the singing water company This is so exciting

Girls And with that I always thought that we'd gotten rid of the Stinging Water Company. This is so exciting. Girls! And with that... And men! It's 2072. It's 2075. And with... I've been in a coma for three years. I have a rich backstory. The half-orc receptionist.

Quickly, the shouts out. And two trolls and a dwarf, also dressed in the bossorc receptionist. Quickly, the shouts out. And two trolls and a dwarf, also dressed in the boss cider reception uniform. They're going to sing the water song. Remember the water song? Remember the water song they used to sing? They're going to sing it. Sing the water song.

Barbie. You're wearing name tags that Dumble Boy gave you. Sing the water song. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Not good at the lower registry. Ooh.

We're here to deliver your water. Okay, guys, maybe we should do this one at a time. This is nice. Yeah, we've revamped the tune ever so slightly. Okay. I pull out a little pitch pipe that I always carry around with me for some reason. Ice cream. Sorry.

Ice cream. Ice cream. Okay. Ice cream. I don't think the bad guy's pulling his weight. Got such a strange voice for a team. He's an intern. Don't mind him.

Okay. And we're here for the water song. Okay. When you want to get wet on your inside, you pour some water down there. Down there. And if you want that special water Water You'll have to know where to get it

It's from us, the singing water Come be we give you the water. Do you think you should order some? Yes, I think you oughta. We've arrived to deliver some. Put it inside you. Get wet inside. Who deserves it?

You do. Thank you. Pretty good stuff. I just feel like there's more singing in Dungeons & Dragons. You get a dice of inspiration. I'm sorry. I really can't accept this. You can. She is entranced and her troll and dwarf friend clap.

That is exactly how all water should be delivered. And they invite you back into the green room for some... Why do we have a green room? We're receptionists. How small is your life, Dave? I think every job has a green room. It's a staff room. What's the catering like in this green room? What, do we have sandwiches?

Oh, there's a little Nespresso machine there. Hey, do me a favour, don't put the Aldi parts in. And she lets you into the private employee. She goes like boop, and it's not the main gate to Osido, but it's like the employee lounge, and you need a key card to get in. Yeah, and it's the door behind you, and she's like, boop, and it's not the main gate to Osido, but it's like the employee lounge and you need a key card to get in. Yeah, and it's the door behind you and she's like, come in, come in. It's been so long since we've had such a funny delivery. I'm going to tell everybody I know some celebrities.

Joe Manganiello. Yeah, and she ushers you in. And she goes, come in, can I offer you water? You must be parched. Ha! I'm just doing Linda Belcher. I know. I didn't want to say anything, but you totally are.

And you guys make your way inside. Meanwhile, so quickly, you guys, you have an opportunity, if you want. Second, you're still arguing with the receptionist? Yeah, I guess. Oh, no, no, we were midway through the quiz. You were quizzing me to see if? Yeah, I guess. Oh, no, no, we were midway through the quiz. You were quizzing me to see if I could prove that...

I literally asked you your mother's name. Yes, and her name is... In the middle of the quiz! What? No, that's where we flashed away from. Yeah. Yeah, my mother, who gave birth to me. Who came... who literally came out of me. He came, oh, he just burst out of my vagina.

It was awful. He was screaming. Would you deny my pain? My main problem is that he looks to be around 300, and you look to be around, I don't know, 50? How dare you? How dare you? To be fair, in Freeside, people would have, like, amazing plastic surgery.

Totally. But this is also enough distraction that you are still jacked in. So, Filch, you have one more opportunity to do something. Any other novels you can ruin? You know what, you could probably just jack on over to the Voss site compound and send her a mean email. She's long gone.

Kent, are there skywriters in Freeside? How much would it cost to write Give Up in the Sky? What an aspirational way. If you use your action I will let you make an attempt to take over the automatic sort of the system,

the atmoscedos that create the synthetic atmosphere. Don't be silly, Dave. We're on a mission. Come on. Come on. What are you going to do? Oh, okay. So I'm going to do some hacking.

Yep. You're already hacked in. Ooh, so many options. Once again, so any computers that you would find in this kind of library, in this government building, you control all of the non- I think it has a computer chip, really. Non-super secured ones. The really big security systems you won't control, but the public access areas, you control everything.

Okay, well, and how do i how far away is the room that we have to get into is it in this building you want to get down into the core yeah below the elevators all right i'm going to uh cause all the doors to open and stay stuck open so i can walk through them um so like the the front the public facing doors and the elevators do you mean and? And the inside, all the inside doors. So that won't go all the way down to the bottom, of course, because there's high level security, but that will take, that will open up everything in the public areas, including the elevators. Yeah. All right.

So you press. Oh, that's a start, isn't it? Get some doors open. Let's get walking through here, you know? Okay. You press a button and another button and you sort of do your little hacking thing and the doors all were open, which the security guard notices.

Hold on a second. No, this isn't right. This is highly irregular. Excuse me. Can you give me one moment, please, madam and you? And he kind of scurries out and... Goes through the now open door into the employee lounge of this building.

Can we... Is cereal in there? In there with Filch? Serial, MailChimp, Freezo and Filch are there. But am I in the Matrix with Filch? Yes, you are. Okay. What should we do?

Let's trap the security guard in the break room. So you're going to lock the doors? Yeah. All right. All right, the doors slam shut and a light above them goes red and after a while you start hearing some pounding. Excuse me! Excuse me! There are very few muffins in here!

Serial plays, says let's just play some music over the top of this to drown it out and I go into the Matrix and I go through their playlist and I'm like, Adele, Adele, where's Adele? And I play some Adele. You play some ancient Adele

some classical music. This really speaks to me. And as four levels of the control room begin to hear music, most of them have not been exposed to for many a year, spare a thought for two sad water boys eating a bit of cake that was left over from Doris' birthday on the bench that they are allowed to have with a glass of cake that was left over from Doris' birthday on the bench that they are allowed to have with a glass of weak tea

because the coffee machine was sadly destroyed by all the pods. And spare a thought, too, for Sirius Dumbleboy, a man who never asked for the awesome responsibility of running the Zhivago 12, who must now see his operatives wasting their time, his time and the awesome power at their disposal.

Johnny locked in a case. Slowly dying maybe? And further away it seems from Mr. Sour and the salvation he represents than ever for this must be the lowest moment yet of the terrifying

shit pile of missed opportunities that is the Dragon Friends. Thank you. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Michael Hing, Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, NPCs played by Ben Jenkins and Eden Lacey, Dungeon Master is David Harmon, I do the music, I'm Benny Davis, Is that everyone? Alex, Simon, Hing, Dave, Ben, Eden, me.

Yeah. Did we have a guest? Nah, fuck it