Dragon Friends - #3.16. A Very Sick Young Boy

Episode Date: October 4, 2017

Deep within the Central Node of Freeside lurk the Dragon Friends on their toughest assignment yet: gain entry into the Voss Saito compound and secure Johnny's freedom or die a twitching mess as Mr. Sour's toxins take hold. Hing finds new ways to upset Dave. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tanya Cushman Reviewer's Name Reviewer's Name Picture if you can shining high in the sky, a citadel gleaming and pure, dancing above the graves of those shivering masses who lead lives of quiet insignificance on the teeming overpopulated sweaty world of 2075, you would be picturing, of course, Freeside, marvelous city of splendors, constructed by the very richest, the wealthiest, and the best born as a shining beacon of light against the squalidness and wretchedness of the world we now find ourselves in. The dragon friends have found themselves in this nirvana, uninvited, unasked for,

and yet ready to make their own fun. Inside the gleaming white compounds of Vos Saito, we find the water boys, Baston and Bobby, now invited into the employee lounge where sad cake is aplenty and questions more so. How do you learn the songs? Graciously asked by your hosts. Meanwhile, Friso, Filge and assorted Zhivago 12ians,

you have taken control of the public areas of the control room of Freeside and have a moment to act as pounding on the door, the receptionist can do little to stop you. Cool. Is there a command on the computer to release gas into that room? Absolutely not. Why would there be? Because it's a security thing. There's a button that will call the cops.

Oh no, don't press that. I've been down this road before, Dave. I'm going to, Freeside's going to jump over the counter to the librarian's computer terminal they were looking at and just kind of search around. Maybe they've left a wallet or a purse or something.

Great, quickly, make for me just a... Because they might have high security clearance. Yeah, make a perception check. This will just be 10 you need to beat. 14, all right. Nice. So you spot quickly, and even though you're not familiar with the technology, you realise that there is a lanyard

with a card that is plugged into the computer which you pull out. What is the name on the lanyard? It says Margrave Rinsselbottom. Very fast on your feet there, Dave. Margrave Rinsselbottom. Very fast on your feet for that nonsense stream. Which is

the dwarf's name who was serving you. Also you find his handbag. What's in the handbag? Some tissues. Used or unused? Very important. Unused. Is there DNA? One lozenge. A yo-yo

that looks very well worn actually. A surprisingly used yo-yo. Is this like a trillium drop yo-yo where the string comes off? It's a stunt yo-yo, yeah. You would obviously be very good at yo-yos to own a yo-yo like this, and it is well used. So that's just a bit of his rich backstory. If you're going to get me in here, at least give me my yo-yo.

I don't know what you're talking about. Whee! You're ruining it! You're ruining the string! And also there is a cred stick. A cred stick. Oh, sweet. Nice. Okay. Cool. All right.

So I'm going to grab... Do Filch and Night Vale need to stay logged on? No, you can... Just while you want to stay in control, but everything's how you like it at the moment. If you get logged off, the door will stay locked. But I can't communicate with Filch now. Yeah, we're in the same room, aren't we?

You can't communicate with Filch because she's still new to this hacking world, but you could communicate to Night Vale. Okay. No, I think I'm going to grab him and I'm going to say, let's go into the lift. You're grabbing who? Filch, Night Vale and Mama.

Male chimp. Male chimp. Mother. Mommy. My beautiful son. Give up the act. Like, you've already... Alright, fine.

You all four of you... I came out of your pussy. Oh my good gracious. Yeah, I'm calling it. Freezo and Mailchimp are gonna fuck. This is just like the Game of Thrones show. The four of you... Our focus group said we should be more like Game of Thrones. The four of you bundle into the elevator.

You cram Rinselbottom's lanyard into the slot. And all of the sublevels, every level, in fact, of the control room, except the central node, lights green. So you can go anywhere in this facility except to the bottom floor. Ding, ding, ding. I go to the closest. I go to the second bottom floor. You're going to go to the security?

Is that security? This is the security level. Are they all labelled? Yes. And the bottom, bottom floor is where we want to go, right? There's four levels. Surprising amount of housekeeping. Yeah.

I was going to say, yeah, yeah. So it goes reception, archives, housekeeping, security, and then central node. All right, let's go to security, I think. It feels a fight's coming on. All right, so you guys head down to security, and the elevator starts surging down, ding, ding, ding, and then it opens, and inside is a hive of activity,

people that are rushing around monitors. You hear people talking about the security system's on the fritz, doors opening and closing, we don't know what's going on. Yeah. We're here. Hello. We're the door repairmen. What?

What, Dave? Yes, they're the door repairmen. All of the people that had so far not noticed you turn around and now stare at the half-orc dressed like a sexy Italian. B. The high elf dressed like Uncle Pennybags. The sexy vamp and just proud housewife that make up this fearsome cell of the Zhivago 12.

I mean, I look, to be fair, like, not just a housewife. I think that's very demeaning to her. Okay, I'm sorry. How does serious, savage... How does serial, savage love, my dad wrote a porno, Night Vale... Look. Well, she looks like a housewife, but just to call her just a housewife, that's what's offensive.

Oh, yeah. It's exactly this kind of judgement that turned her into hacking. So there's some security guards who, as Dave said previously, didn't notice you at all. turn around and they're like, you here to fix the what? We're the door repairmen. We're from Doors, Doors, Doors. Is that a question mark?

It's a question mark at the end. So you're from, sorry, Doors. Doors. Doors, comma. Doors, Doors. Doors, Doors is one word. Doors, Doors. Comma, Doors, question mark.

Let me just check the ledger. It's two families merge. The Doors family, D-A-W-E-S, and the D-O-R-E-S, and they have a door... Company. Company. What's so hard to understand about that? I've got nothing about you here in the ledger.

Make a persuasion check. DC-15, filled your driving. Doors, doors, doors. You got a plus one. You rolled a three. Yeah, no, there's nothing about this here in the ledger. Sorry, what you doing? Sorry, it was an emergency call. And as he says that there's nothing here in the ledger,

two of the security guards next to him put their hands on heavy stun guns. These are corporate security. They are heavily armed. Male chimp sensing the Dana. The Dana? The danger turns around, brandishing her décolletage and says... What is brandishing décolletage? You kind of squeeze it and push it up.

I'd imagine. Look, hey, she's using her Femininely Wilds. Oh, fuck me. Simon used all these brains up on the water song. We've talked about odd episodes of the podcast, but this was

the episode where everybody at the table arrived with a bottle of wine for the second half. And MailChimp says, now, now, boys, don't get into tears. I'm just here dropping off my son for work experience. I'm a young

boy! Serial goes up and says, I hate to do this, but do you know who my husband is? Why would I know who your husband is? That would be weird. Who's your, wait, wait a moment. Who's your husband? It's not somebody important, is it?

I'm afraid, young man, that my husband is dreadfully important indeed. And I fix him with the iciest of stares. Now, what's disappointing about this is that I am here to render you a service. We're here to fix the doors.

Your security system has gone awry. And Freeside is under attack. And we're here to rectify the situation. And we're here to help. And I am just a little bit heartbroken inside to see our good efforts... ..confronted with this attitude. Well, it's so easy to bring your husband into this or any sort of other staring.

I mean, you could look anywhere else if you want. Anywhere else in the building, you could look. You could look up to the sky or to a... My boy? Yeah. It's polite to make eye contact. I know, but this is really... You want to be polite, don't you? No, I get it.

It's just... Make an intimidation check. Surely we were... No, that one's too big. Yeah, you have advantage because you've channeled something that's actually a 19. Yeah. So what do you need to fix the doors?

What sort of thing do you need to fix the doors? We'll need a terminal so that we can access the security protocol. And if we can't do that, we might have to go down to the basement. Cedric, get this lady, get this lovely lady, get this important lady a terminal. And Cedric. And some La Croix. And some, get us some, I don't know, get this important lady a terminal. And Cedric. And some liqueur. And some, get us some, I don't know, just get a licorice.

And with that, Cedric ushers you to a corpsec lower level security terminal. This is cater level security clearance. So you've got access to the whole compound. And a small plate of triple salted dutch licorice oh too salty it is isn't it it's why would you do that to yourself it's like so salty and they're like oh this is great i'm like you you no i'm not okay well we've just ruled out any tours to the Netherlands now. I'll have my best woman look into this and I should feel just sit in front of the terminal.

And I hack into the, and I do a little hack. I'm slinging your Cyberline 500 cyber deck. You attach the electrodes to your forehead just as Bobson showed you how and you interface with the machine, the world shimmers and you can see the powerful archipelagos of data.

No! That is not how that word is said. Archipelago. Archipelago. The word is archipelago. I was on a roll! I know, I know. We were going to get emails about that one.

We can forgive so much. This is my illegitimate son, Archipelago. His father was a scuba instructor in Cancun. I don't know why you all hear these words. Like, I only see them. Just in life. It's because Dave. When do you hear Archipelago? Attenborough, for instance.

Yeah. It's not in the green room. Did you know, Stockholm, the city, is actually an archipelago. As the zeros and ones cluster about in form, Phil, your cybernetic consciousness once again rears and you find yourself inside the matrix. The corridors of power of the central core are now open to you.

I'm walking through the corridors of power. Can I hack in and... You work in style. Can I hack in and just sort of provide backup? Yeah, so you're providing advantage. Who has the haywire cube? Me. Phil does. The one so you're providing advantage. Who has the haywire cube? Me. Filch does.

The one who is hacking. Yeah. But I feel like I should take it so she can open the thing and then we can sneak down and mother. Right, okay, so you get that off him and I'll be like, Oh, I was wondering if you could take my son downstairs. He's a very curious boy. I'm very ill.

I'm a very ill young boy, and this is my wish. Is it because you've got Benjamin Button's disease? I'm a very ill young boy, and my wish is to see the node. Would you deny the wish of a very ill young boy? I mean, are you with the Make-A-Wish people? We sort of have a programme where... They turned me down. They said I was too young and too ill.

Wait, the Make-A-Wish people said that you were too young and too ill. They said that... I wrote them a letter. I said, I am but a young and ill boy. I jack out for a second and I... What have you got? What's wrong with you? I... Ooh! I, um... My blood is...

Uh-huh. ...is... blood is cum. And I and male chimp goes over I hate this show! I hate it so much! What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

Why is cum our panic button? You're not funny. We need more panic buttons. You can't just keep saying noun is come. Noun is come. Verb is coming. It doesn't... Fuck's sake!

Gerund is coming, but still. Point stands. Okay, weund is coming, but still. Point stands. Okay, we can salvage this. So a male chimp goes over and nestles her son's head into her bosoms and goes, the poor, poor boy. They were so cruel to him. They said, that's not possible.

That's not a thing that happens to people. It's not a disease to have your blood be calm. But it's the truth. Cut me! Cut me and see what happens! I don't want to cut you, sir! I don't want to cut you! Oh my God, make a deception check.

You have advantage because you're being assisted by male chimp. Male chimps. Oh, it's a 15, you make it. Plus deception, that's 22, baby. As for the dying wish of a boy whose blood has turned into semen. wish of a boy whose blood has turned into semen. While... I'm sorry, those two people.

I mean, the rest of you, fuck you. You knew this. That guy's giving two thumbs to come. Well, Phil continues... That's the worst campaign slogan ever. Prezo and MailChimp, you make your way down into the central node.

Hey, why are you burning a hole in your pocket? And soon... Are we escorted by the... Cedric, Cedric, the... Oh, sorry, I hear about your, um... You can say it. Condition. Alright.

He takes you and in front of you, you can see a giant device that is beaming a concentrated beam of what seems to be like white hot energy. Oh, Jay. Good one, Jay. Nailed it. Just out of curiosity, was that written down or did we just infect your brain? And as you behold it for the first time in all of its throbbing majesty, Phil suddenly, in all points, bulletin flashes,

and you suddenly realize messages that are flashing towards you that you instantly ascertain such is your power in the Matrix that a level of high security is being generated. I've fucking lost my mind. security is being generated I've fucking lost my mind in Vos Saito compound that the

new head of security who is a man whose name is simply Mr. Terminal has taken control of the entire security compound at Vos Saito and is proactively

ordering an entire purge of the Matrix at Freeside because he believes something is up that will be commencing shortly. This is an all points bulletin notice to all Matrix users in Freeside. Can I issue an all points bulletin? Yeah, sure. I issue one that says, attention all security guards, free ice cream day for all employees and their families. On the outside in the courtyard, limited numbers, get in quick.

It's the good gelato. Make an intelligence check. This is opposed by Mr Terminal, which is, of course, his fixer name. And you've got advantage, yeah. I've got advantage, right? Yep. You've got a beat. He got 16.

You've got a one and a three. Oh, I'm rolling very, very bad today. Together, that's 13. Yeah, that doesn't... No, that's what he rolled. And you realise that now there are precious minutes to act before you are all found out. In fact, you can already hear, chattering on the secure line, Dumble Boy

almost beside himself with panic. Oh my god. What are you? That was not a good plan. Ice cream? Why didn't you just say? Because the security guards aren't very rich, so they would probably love the opportunity to act rich for a day and get to eat ice cream. Why didn't you just write

crisis averted? Like, drill over. That was a test. Why didn't you just write... Crisis averted! Like, drill over! That was a test! Why didn't you?! Good point. Alright, meanwhile, downstairs, in front of the giant pillar of light, it is Friso. So Friso is going to... Oh, oh mama!

The second part of my dying wish... Because I am a sick young boy. You are a dirty young boy. The second part of my wish was to watch my mother find true love before I die. And then I'd look at Cedric. Cedric, yep. Hoping that mother...

Elven security guard. Hoping that... Elven security guard. Hoping that Mother will distract him while I can place the cube inside the node. A little boy's wish is a boy's wish. No. Ben and Eden are about to do it. Sorry, one thing that a lot of people don't know about Cedric is that he is incredibly horny.

Oh, was that him honking before? Make a deception check. You have advantage once more because it's 2v1. And because Cedric is incredibly horny. Oh, was that him honking before? Make a deception check. You have advantage once more because it's 2v1. And because Cedric is incredibly horny. That's not what I said, but and you're going to need to beat 17. Plus 7. You got a 9. Plus 7

is 16. Rules are rules, I'm afraid. And he suddenly realised and he's like, hey, hang on. He suddenly looks confused far away and then pulls out what even from a far and distant magical world you recognize as some kind of alarm, like panic button. What to me, male chimp shoots him with her laser eye. Hang on, sorry, what? She's got a laser eye.

One of her eyes is a laser. Okay, sorry, what? She's got a laser eye One of her eyes is a laser Okay, you know what? We didn't actually talk about special powers So on a four plus She has a laser eye Why wouldn't she have a laser eye? She has a laser eye Yeah, alright

Just like he looks her in the eyes She looks him in the eyes And just burns him in the brain Okay, wow Some Kano shit Right in the brain Right in the brain Three How can you miss with your eyes? burns him in the brain. Wow, some Kano shit. Right in the brain. Right in the brain. Three.

How can you miss with your eyes? It's a sneak attack. You have advantage. Freezo sneezes at the last minute. 14. All right, you make your way. You hit her with your laser eye. Bazzap.

And congratulations. You do D12 plus four damage. D12 to your face. While you're doing that... No, that's a D20. You should know this. Friso, suddenly you see a little blinking... I'm going to jam that cube right into that column of power.

All right, you're going to do that, but quickly while you're doing that... Hey! Ten damage, plus I presume seven. Plus four, so 14 damage. That's a lot of damage. Cedric flies backwards in pain. And Filch, you see suddenly a little alarm that blinks up in the matrix

that says crisis in the central core. Do you want to try and suppress it? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to try and suppress it. I don't know how to hack. Okay. Filch is going to, because Mr. Terminal is going to come looking for her in the Matrix,

right? He's looking for all of you, yeah. Is there a Matrix inside the Matrix? Whoa! You're getting the movie Matrix confused with the movie Inception. Is there a spinning top? A spinner top? I want to make myself really tiny.

You're just saying words, Alex. That makes sense, though. I'm going to go in the matrix of the matrix. So you need to find a computer in the matrix to go into the double matrix. I'm going in the double matrix. So you dive into a terminal inside the matrix. Yeah. All right.

Leaving the alarm and leaving all of you suckers to your own problems. Filch does a deep dive in the Matrix deeper than anyone has gone yet. Make an intelligence

check for me. You need to beat 15. 12 plus 6 gets it. Yeah, 12 plus 6 minus 1 gets it. Why does she have

plus 6? Because she's a cyber hacker. Oh, super hacking. Filch gets it. Why does she have plus 6? Because she's a super hacker. Oh, super hacking. Filch goes comatose suddenly, cold to the touch, and she falls back and her electrodes actually disconnect, but the customary white static of the eyes that should coalesce back into pupils doesn't form,

and you realise that somehow her spirit is still inside the Matrix, I guess, and Filch's body collapses back against the seat. Mailchimp. Oh, wait. No, but Mailchimp's down there. Sorry. Sorry. I've unplugged.

Now, am I in the matrix? Do I see her going into the matrix within the matrix from the matrix? No, she seems to just disappear into pixels and light. What, her body does? Yeah. Inside the matrix. And her body is now there.

So potentially you can try and follow her. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'll dive into that like pixelated whirlpool. Okay, if you want to try quickly, you need to make an intelligence. It's a double deep dive. You're right in the tower. You rolled a seven, which unfortunately is not enough. So, Phil, you are now trapped alone and you disconnect.

You get forcibly disconnected and you're next to her body. But at that moment, the haywire cube goes in and we will jump quickly to the Voss cider compound where suddenly a piercing siren sounds and all of the alarms start squealing for a second and then everything clicks back to green and none of the employees know what to do. Oh, don't worry.

I know how to fix this. And I run through the door. Oh, you can't go back. Oh, he's gone. I know how to fix this. And I run through the door. Oh, you can't go back. Oh, he's gone. You following? Wait, do we? I'm not leaving Johnny. Can I take Johnny with me?

Okay. So, Bobby dives into an elevator as quickly as he can and then is forced to hold the open button while Baston slowly drags what seems like a very heavy... The solution is water. And you're inside the elevator and all of the floors are green. Was the elevator where we wanted to go? We need to go to the dock.

So we're following the... We're trying to get towards the dock. We've got a map on our phone. Oh, so not the elevator. So you guys go into the inner compound? Yes. So you make your way through the same doors. Everything here is green,

at least for the next 94 seconds. We're just barrelling along. Yeah, just going. Do we have to do a speed check or something? No, no. These guys, there's no security here. They don't need security because the alarms are perfect. So you find yourselves in the inner compound of Vos Saito.

There is the residence where Lord Saito himself lives. And the airlocks are just beyond that. There are also the gardens and there is the vault. And there are also corporate headquarters, of course, if you went further up the skyscraper. We've got to get Johnny through the airlock, so Baston's going to do an action surge and just push this trolley as fast as he can.

And he says to Bobby, like, get on! I straddle it like that general in Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, yeah. And the only thing that could possibly get in our way is if Baston doesn't know left from right. Because Bobby's got the thing, and he's like, we'll navigate. Yeah, so you're navigating? Yep.

All right, quickly make for me just, we'll call it a wilderness check, I suppose. Survival, all right. So, yeah, Baston, make for me a... Athletics or something? Actually, you know, it's not just pushing a thing. It's wisdom, yeah. No, no, so I see, no, Bobbyon, make for me a... Athletics or something? Actually, you know... I'm just pushing a thing. It's wisdom, yeah.

No, no, so I see, no, Bobby, make it for me. And you're going to need to beat 13. That'll make it. And now, to understand it, you just need to beat Intelligence 12. That will make it. Nice. All right. You guys are racing down.

You bypass the residents with ease. But you soon, as you make your way through, you see corridors, and up ahead of you is the airlock, only about 200 feet ahead of you, and at that point, 94 seconds later, alarms start screaming everywhere, with security guards racing around.

So you're still in a corridor, and they haven't spotted you yet. But if you make a run for the airlock, you'll probably give yourselves away. Let's just go super casual like Water Man. Yeah. Water. Get wet inside your body by drinking water.

Great, all right, amazing. So, meanwhile, inside, Phil, let's go to you for a second. You have found yourself in the Matrix, inside the Matrix, a secret internet that I certainly didn't know existed. Well, you didn't look hard enough, Dave. Not a good hacker like I am. So when Julian Fairbanks designed Freeside, he created for himself, I suppose, a second secret network.

An intranet. Which he did not tell the corpse about, which would allow him to scurry through with unfettered access into the minds and hearts of the deviants that run this gilded age, controlled only by an intrusion countermeasure AI construct modelled after himself. And as you walk through what seems to be actually an ancient library, suddenly pixelating ahead of you is an old man in a rumpled suit

that you've seen before, although he seems to glitch as he talks. Hello there. Mr Fairbanks. You're in my network. Me just couldn't stop thinking about your network. And he goes... Like he glitches. It's like...

Well, that's... I have no context for that. They didn't program me with what to say about that. Is this him or is this an AI? This is an AI that he modelled after his own personality. So, me did what you asked. Me put the box in the thing at Freeside. I'm starting to understand that you may have gone along with the protocol

that I thought I might in the future do. Well, that's encouraging to me that I went through with that. And he kind of grins, like a maniacal grin. So what did it all mean? Well, I don't know. I wasn't really in the state of mind to work it out at the time. Must have gotten a bit madder since I've

sort of programmed this. Hypothetically what would it do? Oh, I may know the word hypothetically in Double Matrix. Cool! It's extremely simple. If you've actually put the box in the place and you're here now, it's going to destroy Freeside.

The whole thing. Me just thought it was an alarm system thing. Well, it's not. Why would you think that? I mean, look, unless I've had a massive change of heart between programming this AI

and you talking to me now, I would imagine that I've given you something that's going to destroy Freesight. How long does it take? I don't know, maybe eight hours or so? These things aren't precise. Okay. Actually.

Why do you say actually? Oh just a bit of programming It's a glitch Beep boop Beep boop One one zero This checks out JavaScript

About 60 minutes I reckon actually And Freeside will explode? Sort of explode, implode A little bit of both 60 minutes, I reckon, actually. And Freeside will explode? Sort of explode, implode, a little bit of both. What he tells you, Freeside was inadvisably as a space elevator that was built not at the equator, but in fact deep near one of the poles, which we've since discovered, as has been described by some of our nerdier fans,

is a bad place to build a space elevator. Massive environmental engines compensate for the magnetic pull and the whiplash of the idiosyncratic orbit that is caused by the space elevator not being at the equator. A lot of people say that Brisbane isn't near the poles. It's nearer than the equator. To them, I say exactly that. And what your haywire cube has done has been

it's issued a terminal directive to the engines that control these compensators, so it will now take only 60 minutes for the satellite to tear itself apart. Mr Fairbanks, why do you want to do this? Freeside your home. Freeside was my home. I built this place and I could never live in it.

They always spat on me from above. They always did with everybody else in Gamora. Spat on me with their spit and spit on Gamora with their satellites crashing to Earth. You think they'd embrace me for a second? Me? No, they wouldn't. They put me in their hotel on the ground in the haystack and gave me everything that I could ever want,

but they would never embrace me as a true child of Freeside. That's very sad. Yeah, it is a bit. Well, me don't really care about the rich people. Me just want to rescue me friends and me friends of friends and me gentle acquaintances. Okay. Well, I guess

me just gotta destroy you. Sure. Say freeside. I mean, would, I mean, I mean, look, two things. I think I need to address two things very quickly. First of all, you can't reverse what you've done.

And second of all, if you could destroy me, that would be wonderful. I... I... Oh, fuck. Phil grabs... Can she grab the AI? You're in this world, so you can control it, fuck. Phil grabs... Can she grab the AI? You're in this world, so you can control it, yeah. So she grabs him and says, Come with me!

All right. And where are you going? Up. Up. Up back to the real world. Up to the main matrix? I'm taking... Yeah, and then up again. Double up.

Double up. All right. Do you hear EFPR? Okay, quickly, to find the way. It's easier on the way world. I'm taking the AI and then up again. Double up. Do you hear EFPR? Okay, quickly, to find the way. It's easier on the way back. Those ears really slow down. There is a car full on a class. DC 12, it's easier on the way up. Roll for me.

15, okay. You make your way up and up again. Oh, it's snow level. And soon you find yourself... Suddenly, Filch's eyes blink open inside the lounge, Serial Night Vale, and she suddenly pulls out a USB out of the computer that she was on, the terminal that she was on, a little memory stick,

and it's blinking with a blue light. Miss me friend. Miss Fairbanks. Can I, can Serial upload Fairbanks into her body so that he can, since he built it as an AI, that he can guide them out of here? Yeah, you'd have some kind of interface. So yeah, you attach yourself to a trode

that's built into your neck. Actually, I pull out a back tooth and stick the USB up there. How many little surprises have you got? I've been very industrious. At least one more. I can afford a lot of surgery. And the Fairbanks construct blinks into life inside.

Oh, arms. I remember arms. Arms are nice. Hello. All right, let's go. All right, great. Friso, quickly, downstairs, you've thrown the thing into it. Is the guy dead? Cedric is reeling in pain, and he spins around, quickly. Downstairs, you've thrown the thing into it. Is the guy dead?

Cedric is reeling in pain and he spins around and he goes, what have you done? Nothing. Nothing to see here. I'm still a sick young boy. Can't be mad at me. And he attacks you. But really tentatively because he still thinks your blood is cut.

What part of the laser to his brain, what part of the brain did it destroy? Compassion. Is he less inhibited or more inhibited in certain areas? Weirdly, he now... Hates kids. Yeah. Just hates kids. But he can always smell toast. Yeah. Okay, he rolls an 18, which means as he whips out his cobra, he

attacks you. That's not rude. That's... Don't laugh. I've tried very hard to make it rude over the past few weeks. And he does eight points of damage to you, Friso. Oh, shit. How much life do you have? That's not that much. Well, I haven't rested in like four episodes. What have you got left?

Six. Alright. Mailchimp. Mailchimp had a go. Oh, no. Friso, you'll go again. Is this dude still horny? No! MailChimp is going to try and kiss him.

And then, while she's kissing him, use her laser eye to burn his face out. No, your laser eye takes 24 hours to recharge. I get one shot with a laser eye!

Wait, you don't have two laser eyes? Yeah, what about my other laser eye? Oh, your other laser eye is fine. So I'm going to try and kiss it. But if you use this, if you use this, you're blind for 24 hours.

Hey, MailChimp's got to do... You've got to send a message. Attack. You've got to send a message. 15 hits. You're right. D12, plus four damage. That was to kiss.

Nine plus four. 13 points of damage. You, a searing second shot hits him in the lips. Yeah. And he's like, I'm just amazed

I survived the first one. Dave, how do you, in what way would you kiss that a shot out of a laser eye would hit someone in the lips. How do you kiss? I've never licked someone's eyeball as a kiss.

Yeah, it's possible you're doing it wrong. I did one time. Oh, anyway. All right, congratulations. He rears back in pain and he slumps to the ground, dead, and you guys are able to race back to the elevator. Cool, I'm going to loot his corpse

if there's anything there. All right. Any photos perhaps? Frieza, come to mummy. Mother, wait. I must collect treasures for our abode. You don't need to be in character anymore. Everyone is dead.

No, it's a weird like sex thing for them now. You find a security pass and a letter. Ooh. Is it a tiny letter? Does Malchm take it? And you guys race up where you see already Serial and Filge, who is quickly recovering while there is a continual sad pounding on the security bar.

Did we do the... Did we put the cube where it needed to go? Muffins! I've eaten 20 muffins in 15 minutes. I'm very unwell. Does anyone have a glass of water? You said there were not a lot of muffins in there. I said there were 20 in there and I ate them all.

I let him out and he can come with us. I'm full of poo. You're opening the door. Yeah, opening the door. I'm like, Freestyle's going to explode. Come with us or die. Oh, bloody, I know the feeling. Yeah, opening the door. I'm like Freestyle's going to explode. Come with us or die. Oh, bloody, I know the feeling. And then he goes

and you all I don't even, yeah, alright. Make a persuasion check. He doesn't need it, but yeah. DC 13. And yeah, he's coming with you. No, he's not. He's not. He stays there and shits himself. So

What a way to go! Meanwhile, you race... I died how I live. You race towards Vos Sido, and now, inside the Vos Sido compound, the alarms are glitching, going backwards and forwards, and soon, suddenly, all of the tannoy's boom, and a new voice, sinister and Slytherin,

appears over the speakers. This is the voice of Mr Terminal. G'day. Ooh, do you not like that? And he's making a public announcement. Yeah, g'day, guys. Bobby, Bobby Pancakes. He sounds like he's trying to not move because he's hurt his back.

Everything's fine. Frizzo Filch, Baston. Lovely to see you up here. Look, we've all had a bit of fun this afternoon, but maybe it would all be best if we all just gathered in the main hall out the

front of the airlock for a bit of a chat. Now, as he said this, huge displays. Every display, in fact, and there are screens everywhere in the Valsado compound, blink up and they have shots of you. They have shots of you, Bobby, at the doors of Glitter Gleam's digs. They have shots of you, Baston, at the

Glam Clam clandestinely photographed. He has found ways to get shots, composite angles, all of your faces and your records of everything that you have done in Earth since your arrival. It is clear that this man is a meticulous investigator. Oh, and he says, he says of, oh, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, sorry. He says of, what are the hackers that are with him? The Zhivago 12? No, no, no, like the specific ones. Oh, it's Sashimoto. It's Satoshi Nakamoto. Lauren Order. Lauren Order.

Lauren Order and Lauren... Lauren Order. Fuck, this is a dumb podcast. Do you know what? I don't care anymore. It's fine. I had an idea, but it's too stupid. Go on.

No, Ben. There are no ideas. Too stupid. Okay, so who's the hacker nearest Phil? It's probably Serial Night Vale. Serial, who has the voice and the mind of Julian Fairbanks. Yeah. Oh, yeah, great.

And he says, oh, you've got some wonderful kit in there, Serial Night Vale. Everybody check this out. And then you hear some, like, beeps and boops, and her head explodes. Did you check that with Dave before you did that? Nope. Hmm. No, no, no, her head explodes.

And MailChimp says, what happened? And she falls to the ground. However, at that moment, Filge, you notice that the USB still plugged into her electrode now blinks with a double blink. Well, the USB was in her tooth, which was in her head. No, it's still there in the skull. It's gross. Oh, right, the top of the skull.

All right, so I pluck out the USB from her exploded skull. Yeah, it's double time blinking. And can I put it into me or? You can put it into MailChimp. Oh, I'll put it in. Yeah, I know. It's double time blinking. And can I put it into me or? You can put it into MailChimp. I'll put it, yeah. Where's your socket? Yes, mother. Where do you put the USBs, mother?

And she like just lobs it, lobs it. I want to say tit out. And she doesn't have a nipple. She's just got a, It's an inverted nipple. Great, I put it in there. And he says, like, I'm not going to bother destroying any vessel that Fairbanks decides to

reside in. Why don't we just meet up and chat like reasonable people? How's that sound? We're chatting now. Well, I mean, I've sort of got a bit of a face-to-face thing. Phil, are you there? Can you hear us? So he is talking to... Hello, I can't...

Just to be 100% clear, he's having a conversation with both groups who are almost a kilometre apart, but he's having that conversation through terminals, screens and hologrammatic displays that are near both parties. Oh, this is confusing. But he can see all of you. But we can't speak to each other.

No, but you can speak to him. So I guess he could confusedly convey information. Yeah, if you want me to sort of pass anything on, let me know. Mr. Terminal, what do you want from us? Just want to chat. Just want a little little tete-a-tete. Show yourself.

Well, I'm not where you are, so that's hard. But a sleek hovercraft with tinted windows slides up near where you guys are. Yeah, so my car makes that noise. That's cool. Can we hear it again? Yeah. You've got to pay a lot to get your car to make that noise. Jump in. Do you want to jump in? Wait get your car to make that noise. Jump in.

Do you want to jump in? Wait, I don't see a car. What's going on? No, sorry, I was doing... My screen's not working. Yeah, no, while I was being quite general, the well, well, well bit was while I'm being... Wait, should we go outside to meet a car?

No, hang on. Makes you wet on the inside. Hang on, I'm putting at least some of you on call waiting. No, I put Skype on my phone, but I don't remember my password. And at that moment, everybody on the bus side at Compound could just hear green sleeves. I want to hear the sound again, so I hop in the car. She hops in the car.

Whee! You guys, at this point while you've been talking to him, security have appeared on both ends of the corridor. Hello. They don't want to say anything to you. They have full-faced Daft Punk-style visors. They are Daft Punk. Wait, there's more than two of you?

I guess that makes sense. That's how you were everywhere at the same time. And they escort, they ask you to come with them. No. How far are we from the airlock? It's so close. We're so close. They're like 200 feet away.

How many are there? Only four of them. How many could I hit with a roundhouse kick? Historically? One. Zero. This is your chance to find out. Do I have extra attacks? And Laura and

Lauren are there too, right? Don't forget you're only level four in this world. I think Satoshi's going to step forward and say, I've lived a long and rich life. I love this character. If you need

to go to the airlock, go on without me. I'll stay here and fend them off. And with that, he screams, I guess, and clashes his cyber bracelets together and huge arcs of lightning rip forward and his eyes start to glow blue. I actually said to you, Dave, before that I wanted a hammer that did lightning. Can I still have that please? I had an image in my head. His hands burn out very quickly.

Oh. And then he meticulously opens, still wrapped in mint condition so as not to lower its price amongst certain collectors, a Thor brand hammer, which he then carefully opens

and spends a little bit of time installing a battery unit into. Mjolnir takes 6D batteries. A flump, a flump, a flump. Does anybody have a screwdriver? I thought it'd be a clip, but it's not. Or at least a sort of five cent peace deal. I could just try and twist it.

And it crackles into life. And Laura and Lauren are going to help fend off the security guards too. Okay, Laura and Lauren stand up as one, trained as birth for singular action, a pair that is more a unity. And together they hold hands with one hand and with the other hand they make a complicated gesture and spikes of bone and metals erupt from their other hand.

Actually, Dave, we had another weapon in mind. All right. We both pull out one large, kind of flat disc, and one of us spins it, and as they spin it, lasers come out of it, and they go, yeah, that's our laser Susan. They like it We told you about the laser Susan before the show Look at how much they like it

Alright, you engage your laser Susan They are with their lives buying you guys precious moments Eat lasers bitches Baston's gonna just push the cart to ram through you guys' precious moments. Eat lasers, bitches! Baston's going to just push the cart to ram through. Can he fly kick anyone while he's pushing the cart?

You can try. I've got the electric baton. You both get an attack roll really, really quickly. You both need to make 14. That is a hit. 17. And a miss for Bobby. Bobby misses. What a surprise. 17. And a miss for Bobby. What? Bobby misses.

What a surprise. What? Oh, no. Lucky one. Was it a one? It was a seven. Oh, was it? Yeah, it was seven.

It was five. You do eight points of damage. And you hurtle past towards the airlock. It seems Salvation is in reach. Quickly, you guys make your attacks. Your laser, Susan, does attack. One. That's a one. Uh-oh. Your laser, Susan, does attack. One. That's a one.

Uh-oh. Very powerful machine, and it misses. And a 20. Crackling with unnecessary arcane power. The, yep, that's five, eight, 13, 21 points of damage. You eviscerate one of the guards with your hammer, which then immediately dies because it drains the 6D cell batteries. And he's like, I just wanted to be a secret DJ.

And then he dies. No, but they dive on you guys. And one of them is ripping apart you, but they yeah, they dive on you guys and one of them is ripping apart you, Sashimoto and separated there's a sort of banshee-like scream

as the two sisters for the first time in eons separated from each other. Ow! That like hurt. And you guys make your way to the airlock so Bobby, Baston

you arrive at the airlock punching in you just sort of cram your phone up against it and the screen flashes QR, futuristic QR codes,

which are just like QR codes. They love, no one could improve on QR codes. QR codes and meth. They were the two things we perfected in this age. And the door begins to unlock and behind it, you can see as it starts to unlock, already docked a Russian tug that has secretly docked with the airlock, doubtlessly to take and squirrel away Johnny PlayStation. But between you

and the dock standing in the chamber, in the airlock itself, is a figure dressed in a black suit with long shock of white hair and only one eye and an eye patch. And without him even introducing himself, you realise it must be... Odin. Mr Terminal. Because he has a name tag. G'day, cunts!

Wait, what? Did you just call us... Excuse me? I said, g'day, cunts. What? How much momentum do I have? Can I fly kick him? No, no, no, you're...

No, you... Have you got... Oh, right, okay. You all stopped while the door opened. Can we all hear this? Like, can Phil and Jafrizo hear this? Not yet, but your car is hurtling towards them. Okay.

I just want to check this isn't... Von Zarovich in another form. Von Zarovich? Now, there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. What? What? What? What?

What? Anyway, not particularly relevant right now. Let's move right along. So, Robert, how you been? How you been keeping? Um... Good? Baston? So, Robert, how you been? How you been keeping? Um, good. Gaston? Get out of my way.

Not gonna do that. Do it! Do it! I'm warning... Oh, you shoot me in the knee! Make an attack. My beautiful knee! It misses. That was a warning shot. That was a warning shot. What I just did then, that was a warning shot. That was a warning shot, what I just did then. That was a warning shot.

Well, call him he warned. Is he? Is he? I reckon everybody should just cool their jets for a second here and take a look at what's happening. Now, you've got Johnny PlayStation in their case. I understand that you've got some affection for the lad, but he's our property. So, how's this for a wager? You guys give that over here.

We unfreeze him. We thaw him. We put him in a little microwave. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, he was happy here. He was happy here. And you guys go on your way. No death.

No maiming, no torture, no sort of pain beyond imagining, etc. I'd love to make that deal if it were true that he were happy here. I'd love to make that deal if it were true that we had Johnny PlayStation in this box. Right. You see, the thing is, Mr. Terminal, for all your surveillance,

we spent a bunch of time in the back of a van, and you won't know we don't actually have Johnny in this box. He's with Filge and Frizzo. We did a decoy in the back of the van, swapped him out. He's with them. Yeah, that is the truth. Well, that's the case. Why am I doing this?

And he empties his clip into the case. No! Bang, bang, bang, bang. All of the lights that were glimmering on the side of the hard case, which you now recognise as life support lights, blink red one by as johnny playstation gilded star of the hollow circuit true genius empath of this sixth age wonder kind of the wonder set begins to die a horrible death alone cold partially frozen in a cryo cell that will quickly become his tomb while mr. Terminal looks at you and grins a grin you now see as slightly unhinged

even as a hovercraft slowly arrives disembarking Filge, Friso and a USB containing at least two hackers that we invented on the fly. For a time of reckoning has come. Vos Saito's new security chief, Mr. Terminal, is a man not to be crossed. Vos Saito himself a man not to be crossed. Higher is only the best, of course.

And as the chords of revolution sing out with two very familiar tunes below, Discord and Anarchy are sewn above mr sour waits for the signal from men who are frozen time locked outside an airlock waiting just meters from a payload that may be dead before they receive it and dooming in that death the dragon friends to a painful myocardic demise such is the fate of those that cross the rich such is the destiny that awaits those wretched few we call the dragon friends thank you Thank you! Is that everyone? Alex, Simon, him, Dave, Ben, Eden, me. Yeah.

Do we have a guest? Nah, fuck it.