Dragon Friends - #3.17. A Dog With Human Eyes with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: October 19, 2017

Johnny! They shot Johnny! But who? And why? Everything's coming to a head for the Dragon Friends as they do their best under increasingly trying conditions.This episode was edited by our good mate Gotifoo and featured music by DJ Tom Loud. Our special guests were Carlo Ritchie and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It has been scant days since a portal ripped apart a castle high up on the Balinox and scattered the dragon friends across space and time. Since then, your journeys have seen you come face to face with peril in all its forms, and yet you've never felt despair. Yes, the sinister Mr. Sour has loaded your nervous systems with a deadly toxin which threatens to destroy you. Yes, the powers of the megacorp Vos Saito are many, varied, and arrayed against you with executive precision. But at every turn, you have come nearer and nearer to rescuing tween megastar Johnny PlayStation, fulfilling your contract and finding your way home. Johnny represents more to you than just the auto-tuned

emotional output of a generation. He represents your triumph, your salvation. So given all of that, it is a pity that Mr. Terminal has just shot him a number of times through the head and torso with a laser pistol. Oh. Your hacker contact, serious dumbo boys, holographic field stutters, blinks, and dies

even as every light on PlayStation's cryo cell blinks from a healthy green to an ominous red. The cryo cell is a miracle of science capable of withstanding even the void of space, but it cannot stop a bullet. Johnny is dying, and Mr. Terminal, the man holding the gun, is gloating. Behind him, time locked in a stasis bubble beyond reach, beyond the airlock, your ship home. The end, it seems, has come for you at last.

Well, looks like your bloody mate's dead. Which character are you doing? Mr. Terminal? Mr. Terminal. Oh, you're doing Mr. Terminal. Okay, cool. No, no, it's just Ben does it different. That's fine. You can...

Sorry, are you negging our special guest? No, no, it's cool. No, I'll go. I'll just go. Please don't. No! Baston says a second time. In only a few seconds

Yeah It's like Toobin throat singing He can do them both at the same time No So just to remind you To paint the scene With his back to the airlock is Mr. Terminal Your salvation and ship home

Time locked behind him in a stasis bubble You are arrayed in front of him next to the cryo cell That you were using to smuggle Playstation out Airlock is Mr. Terminal, your salvation and ship home, time locked behind him in a stasis bubble. You are arrayed in front of him next to the cryo cell that you were using to smuggle PlayStation out. With you are some of the hackers that have brought you here, members of the Zhivago 12. I'm afraid to say that Serial Night Vale is dead, I think. Yeah, her head was exploded. Yes.

Satoshi Nakamoto also... Yeah, DJ Satoshi Nakamoto, I think, also died. He lived a good life! But, um, and what a well-rounded character. And your two hackers, Laura Norda... And Lauren Order, yes. ..are hurt but still in the fight, and sexy, sexy MailChimp has just arrived

with Filge and with Freezer. And you guys had a bit of a thing last episode. Cereal Night Fails plugged into my boob. Oh, that's right. Yeah. We wanted to cut that out of the podcast, but we forgot. It didn't get cut. It's in forever now.

It's on the internet. Wait, but did the AI of Fairbanks survive? Yeah, so it's in there too. In the boob. It's a party. And I am across all of this, so don't worry, guys. And Baston says to Mr. Terminal, You take that back!

Oh. Yeah, take them back! Take all those bullets out of Johnny. Yeah, yeah, all right. I'll just take the... Oh, wait, no, I them back. Take all those bullets out of Johnny. Yeah, yeah, all right. I'll just take the... Oh, wait, no, I can't, because I've shot him several times through a box. What's your beef, Terminal?

What have we done to you that you would do this to us? Oh, I don't suppose there's any point going into that now. Why? Yeah, what possible reason could that be? Yeah. Yeah, tell them, Terminal. And I just look at him and I say, what's your beef? What's your beef?

Well, let's just say. I just look at him, beef. He's angry, he's emotional. I can tell that. Let's just say... I just like saying beef. He's angry. He's emotional. I can tell that. Let's just say we've got a history beyond this station. Sorry, just he is Australian. Like he's quite... I mean, I'm doing an Australian.

Nah. Ben had a very deep voice. Have you ever been to Australia, Carlo? This is like when you're watching Home and Away and then they change the actor but they pretend nothing's happened. And we're going with it and we're going with it and at this point... Sorry, my voice is malfunctioning.

There, how's this? He's more like up here, like Ben. No, he was more like... Yeah, that's more like it. You've got it. Let's just say... There we go, I've adjusted that. I'll be putting this through to, like, Tracy's gone and adjusted that.

And I normally set my automated settings, and that's, I'll be, I'll be right, I'll be sending that, I'll be sending a video mail for that. It's a future kind of an email. Anyway, that's for me. Despite this momentary lapse in consciousness, he is still holding the pistol, and in the other hand, he's holding a remote.

Alright, while this hullabaloo's going to go on, Friso's going to try and sneak and grab from the charred corpse of DJ Satoshi Nakamoto. He's going to try and take the Thor hammer. You're going to try and take the Thor hammer. You're going to try and pick up the hammer? Without anyone noticing.

All right, quickly make a deception check for me. DC, 15, because he's very distracted. It didn't come out. Does that count as a 20? Shake it, shake it. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. There you are. Shake it.

No, it's gone forever. Keep shaking it. It's too big. What have you done? You broke the dice. Plus what? Deception. Not enough.

Not enough. Alex, have you broken the dice? Yes, I don't know my own strength. Oi. What are you trying to go for? Your hammer? Well, let's just say anybody makes any funny moves, they might be short of a head.

Press a button on a small device. And Satoshi Nakamoto... Yeah. And Satoshi Nakamoto's head explodes even as you're reaching towards it quickly. That's what a head exploding sounds like, yeah. We know, you just exploded one earlier. You take three points of damage.

Does Fridso take his glasses off and he's got like just covered in viscera except for two perfect circles? Anybody makes any bloody moves, they'll be saying the same goodbye. And he reveals at that moment, he holds up the remote, and you can see that it has 12 buttons on it. I said, just make one, and it'll go through in a sequence. But Tracy said, no, I want to put 12 buttons on it.

Well, that makes sense, because then you could choose. Yeah, it it. Well, that makes sense because then you could choose. Yeah, it's 12 separate circuits. Yeah, but then you could choose. And I'm not paying by the bloody circuit now. I'm going to have to make that meet up at the end of the month. Anyway, that's for me. And he presses another button. Oh, there I go.

Whoops. And Dobson Bugnut goes. Oh, that one's messy. That was Haggis. That was Haggis. Haggis is... Haggis? Haggis on the inside and out, I'd say.

No, bummer. Dumber Boy, the voice of Dumber Boy clicks into your ear, Filch. Filch, this guy's an asshole. He just killed Satoshi Nakamoto and Haggis. He's hacked into our systems. He could take this mother out, man. Is the talking dog okay? Um.

Thank God for that. Whoops. I've been following you since you boys arrived on Freeside, boys and girls. Yeah. It's time that we ended this. What do you want? We accept your surrender. Surely that's a check.

Surely that's a bluff check or something. Let him roll for it. I'm going to roll a dice, Dave, right now. One. One. It's best on surrender to me. Yeah, best on surrender. One down. three to go. Listen here, Mr Terminal.

It's Mr Terminal. What did me say? Oh, sorry, I... That's my bloody ear, Kate. The exploding heads are loud. Listen. It's just a non-stop buzzing in my ears now. I'm going to have to get that fixed. You know, me actually know Tracy. We came up in Horizon together. We

video email each other. You know what? She'd been complaining about you. She said you don't appreciate her. She said that next button you press will be your head. You better give it to me. Alright, that's... I will give... Yeah, I'll pay that. So that is... You need to make... That is a... Not the big one.

It's a small one. That's a bluff check and that is you need to beat a 14. Yeah, that'll work. That's a small one. That's a bluff check, and that is you need to beat a 14. Yeah, that'll work. That's a 17. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, me and Trace go way back. That does sound like something Trace would say.

She loves vid emails, vid emails, video mails. Does she always send you those chain letters? Yeah. Yeah, me too. And he gives Filj the controller. I make stern eye contact with Filj. So, Filj, that is a controller. It has four buttons depressed and eight of them aren't pressed.

But they're all programmed towards our friends, right? Wait, what? I thought you said... Wait, no, I was just talking to... I tuck it away and somewhere where Frieza can't see it. Baston kicks the gun out of Mr. Terminal's hand. Well, he's distracted. Alright, we're going

into combat. So this is a surprise round and you get the first attack because you had the initiative to play Dungeons and Dragons. So this is a surprise round and you get the first attack because you had the initiative to play Dungeons and Dragons. Hot shot shot shot! You rolled a 17. That is a hit. D8 damage. Here you go. With my foot? Oh, with your foot.

I got a badass foot. My foot's so good. Ignoring your sword, you kick him and do three points of damage. But he's disarmed. Oh, no. that was a 17. So you didn't want to do damage? No, I want to kick the gun out of his hand. All right, then let's suppose.

Oh, that's my best gun. Quickly make a roll. And the gun goes flying to the side of the room. Ha, ha, ha! Damn it, I'm going to have to go and put in another requisition form for another gun. All right, while he's doing that, Freezo, you're up next. I'm making a dash back towards that hammer. All right, you're going for the hammer?

Yep, I'm going to grab the hammer. All right, you can go, you grab it, you pick it up, make a strength check for me. Oh boy, that's 18 minus one is 17. You pick up the hammer. You have Satoshi Nakamoto's hammer. It's surprisingly light. 6D batteries and all. That's the heaviest bit, funnily

enough. But the next up is Mr. Terminal, who, wincing in pain, pulls out from inside of his blazer what seems to be another slimline pistol. Ooh, a blazer laser. Always. Always.

It's a rhyme, not a joke. Calm down. Always pack two guns. That's what I reckon. Just like the tower, eh, friends? Who are you shooting at?

Ah, all of them. Just having a spread. I'll shoot at Bastogne. Bastogne. That will hit Bastogne. I dodge it. Wait, wait. Can you do... Yeah, you're alright. I'm going to I'll shoot it. I'll shoot it, Bastogne. Bastogne. That will hit Bastogne. I dodge it. Wait, wait. Can you do...

Yeah, you're all right. I'm going to try and dodge it. Do you know what you're doing? Yeah. I'm just going... You miss. All right. You get hit, and it does five points of damage to you.

Man. But also, suddenly, it's crackling with electricity, and you feel disadvantaged for the next round. This blaster has some kind of properties. I am wearing an armoured stoot. You are wearing an armoured stoot. Was there canon on what material the stoots were made out of and whether or not that is conductive to a city?

It was temporary hit points. It's temporary hit points. The five damage takes up half of your ten hit points from the stoot, but you still suffer the disadvantage effect. Look at this fun we're having. All right. And then next up is you, Filch. She just holds the remote and hovers her finger over one of the buttons

and say, you like to gamble, Mr. Terminal? Fuck! Put it all on red! Woo! Yep. It's one of my favourite things. That's why I have a casino here on this space station. You don't want to

make me call my own bluff. Do it. Serious Dumble Boy goes, uh, hey. Quietious Dumble Boy goes, uh, hey. Quiet, Dumble Boy, I'm busy. Could you, please don't. Don't expect a red tron on Filch. I think you've got to roll a DA.

I think you're rolling a DA. Why? Why does it put it all on red? Hey, look, he tricks the god. There's eight buttons. There's eight buttons left. There's eight buttons. All right, I've actually got the list of them here. Wait, but isn't Filch...

Wait, is one of them Carla? Filch didn't trick herself when she was bluffing. She knows. Yeah. Yeah, they're all connected to people that are your friends. But Filch is one of the Chivago 12. Unless he unfortunately hacked... Oh, unless the racist lady's still got a bomb in her head.

Yeah, who knows? Who the fuck knows? What are you going to do, Filch? What is it then, Filch? Are you going to press the button? Let's put it all on red, eh? Let's put it all on... green!

And she throws it on the ground. Not my control. Bloody hell. This is why we shouldn't put 12 separate circuits in it she throws it on the ground and she stumps it and Hermione Ranger Danger is dead

oh shit do I know that though all you know is that the voice of Sirius Dumbleboy Oh, shit. Do I know that, though? All you know is that the voice of Sirius Dumbleboy, head of the Zhivago Seven, is in your ear. Like, see, that's how you deal with the situation. Phil diffused it once again. What is it, Dumbleboy? What the actual fuck, man?

All my friends are dead. You're killing my... That was totally your fault. What? What happened? You threw it at the... There was an... Oh, man. All my friends are dead. You're killing my... That was totally your fault. What? What happened? You threw it at the... There was an... Oh, God.

Me just can't help but feel like you're doing a lot of complaining. And the next one up is Bobby Pancakes. So I make a dash towards the gun that had skidded across the room. Excellent. There's no one stopping you. You race forward. And I roll and flip back in the opposite direction and shoot at Mr. Terminal.

Make an attack roll. That's an eight plus... What would that be? Deception? No. Dex. It would be your shot. Three years.

He was trying to trick you. Plus six. Plus six. Fourteen. Fourteen. That's just not enough. He seems to be protected by something, and the shot just narrowly misses.

Impressive, Bobby Pancakes. But the next one up is you, Bastogne. I draw the name sword of Bastogne. No, Sergei Eisenstein. And I... Sergei Andreevich. And with my... Von Zarovich. Von Zarovich. And with my two swords, I make two attacks, and I... Sergei Andreevich. Ivan Zarevich.

Ivan Zarevich. And with my two swords, I make two attacks. No, you only have one sword. You're thinking of the wrong dimension. No, but I'm a level four fighter, so I have two attacks. Yes, yeah. For Johnny PlayStation, a two and a three. Freezo, you're up next.

All right, I'm going to charge at Mr. Terminal with the lightning hammer Mjolnir. It's legally distinct. No, no, it's not legally distinct. That's not legally distinct at all. That's legally the same. It's outside of copyright. Yeah, it's outside of copyright because it's 2075. Presumably Marvel and Disney have gone bankrupt.

Also, I don't think they own. I think the Norse own that name. No, no, no, no. Because the reason it's got 60 batteries in it is that it was a... We explained this last episode, Dave. It's a specific replica of the movie prop that has 60 batteries in it. So you've deliberately put yourself up for copyright problems. In the year 2075, if Disney and Marvel are still around.

All right, and you attack. I roll a four. All right. That you attack. I roll a four minus three. That was a two, a three, and a four. Miss, miss, swing, and a miss. And the next one up is you, Mr. Terminal. Well, Bobby, nice rolls. Let's see if you can dodge this one. Yeah, I'd say you could.

That's a five. I just stand there and like Bobby doesn't even move They said I should spend more time Shooting and less time just coming up with quips I wasn't for it I reckon that's You have a multi-attack though so you actually get two attacks a turn Oh whoops

And that's a three Yep This fight could take some time Maybe you should take Oh, whoops. And that's a three. Yep. This fight could take some time. Maybe you should take your gun shooting skills to the hospital because I'm afraid it's terminal. Don't applaud that. Don't even encourage. How dare you applaud that?

You know what? Do you have a dice of inspiration? You lose a dice of inspiration. I didn't deserve it in the first place. Filge. Fine. Filge. Filge says you can't use your technology

against fish. Are you getting angry? Yes. Why do you ask? No reason. Yeah. So she just runs at him and swings at his jaw with her mighty fists. Not me bloody face.

Yeah. So do I get, oh, the big dice. Not the big ones. Sorry, sorry. Not the big little boys. That's a six. And do I get another one because I'm mad? You're in a frenzy, so you do get another one.

And an eight. An eight plus six, is it? Yep, no, that does nothing. All right. The crowd's real angry at us, guys, for rolling so bad. Bobby, please turn this around. Nobody has hit anyone since your last turn. I say, hey, it looks like I'm going to get off the bus

because I've arrived at the terminal. And I shoot at him with my gun. That's a 15. That'll hit. All right. Congratulations. All right. Okay, so that's plus five for you.

So that's eight points of damage. And you have disadvantage now as well. So you have the same problem that... Oh, you got zapped. Yeah, that the others have. We forgot about that, but it didn't make a big difference. It was quite a lot. So you're now reeling in pain, but you just laughed through it. Quick question. Can you

remind us of the surrounds? Are we locked in? Are there doors on either side? So he's standing in the doorway of the airlock near the controls, so it would be quite dangerous to get to them. But the airlock isn't going out to space or anything. It's connected to the time-locked dock. You guys are at the end of a corridor,

which has actually got nice sort of miniatures and gardens that are beautifully sculpted. The whole Vos Saito compound is kind of like a Buddhist temple. It's a really nice painting. Of what? A little dog, and the dog has human eyes. And the dog's all playing poker? No, no, there's just one dog.

Do the eyes move around the room? Oh, no, not so much, but it's bloody beautiful, tell you what. It's a hell of a painting. There's a low bench, there's sand. Is there a rake? There are weapons scattered around, there is a rake by the side and there is the limousine that of course ejected the three of you

I think that really grabs your attention though, the painting with the dog I don't know, that's a pretty good rake Freezo, you're up I am going to try and I'm not used to not having spells so I guess I'm going to get out the yo-yo. The stunt yo-yo?

The stunt yo-yo. And you will acknowledge, Dave, that stunt yo-yos have quite strong strings. Why will I acknowledge that? Well, because we know you're a yo-yo enthusiast, Dave. No, he's a yoga enthusiast. Friso is going to try and garrote Mr. Terminal. All right, quickly.

All right, excellent. So you're going to try and pin him with your yo-yo. That's a 12. A 12 opposed by him. He rolls a three. And you're up on his neck and soon you're holding him. He's disadvantaged. He's disoriented.

And the razor wire of the yo-yo... Is cutting into his neck? Is cutting into his neck. As a bonus action, I put my tongue in his ear just to make it feel weird. I'm going to allow it. Just to make it feel real weird. Make him question a lot of things. All right, Filch, you have advantage on anything you want to do now

because he's pinned up against the wall. It's your go. Filch is going to... Like, she just trusts that Freeza's going to finish him off because he's you know bloodlust um and she's she's gonna try she's gonna pick up the box with johnny playstation in it and and run towards the ship okay so you dive into the airlock and soon as soon as you butt in against the stasis bubble time it's suddenly it's like pushing it through um treacle

it slows down and you can't move forward. As time slows down to nothing, there is no time for the cryo cell to move. And so you're forced outside. No matter how much you push it, you can't get it into the airlock. Does that mean that Johnny PlayStation will die more slowly if part of him is in the...

It would, but it's only buttressing up against it. Oh, we can't against it. But yes. Oh, we can't get in. Oh no. And so you're pushing and pushing and pushing, and now terminal, it is your go again. I guess I'm going to... You're still your guns free?

Yeah, I'm just going to put my pistol beside me and take a point-blank shot at Frieza. That's a disadvantage, but you can go and give it a go. All right. And you rolled a nine, plus your four is 13. What's your armor class? My armor class is 15. Fuck yeah!

All right, you miss. Friso takes a point blank shot for some reason, doesn't get hurt. Despite the fact he's a caster class. He's got acts of steel. I can try and lodge it up. Nice! I can try a different try and lodge it up. Nice. I can try a different angle and lodge it up underneath his head.

Why is he getting double attacks? He's multi-attack. And he rolls a 17. That will hit. A 15. So a 15 and a 17. So you take some damage for this. How much damage does Friso take?

You take five points of damage as well. The thing about Friso is... He was so cocky a second ago. He doesn't have that much life. How many? Yeah, did we get to rest in the moments between having a micro nap? I guess in that moment then, Friso gets shot in the face. Is he gloating about having been missed before?

Yeah, he's like, ha-ha, ha-ha! I am absent still! Oh, my face! Oh, my face! And he's on negative two hit points. No! Which means he starts to die. So, we know how this works. You have to now make... This is fucked.

Like, on any other show, you couldn't cancel such an audience-favourite character. Ah! You need to roll for me. Use this. You need to roll a 10+, or you take your first death check. If you fail three of these... That's a nine.

What do you have to get? You failed your first death check. You have two more death checks before you die. So... I'm angry. But that also means that as you slump down from a gunshot in the jaw, Mr. Terminal's hands are free and laughing, he makes a dive and grabs the remote again.

I smashed it on the ground. Good luck. Well. I smashed it. I stomped on it. It's malfunctioning, but he still has it. And Bobby, you're up next. What about Bastant?

No, no. It's my go. Your go, and then it's Bastant's. Is he still at disadvantage? Yes, he's still reeling. Okay, I'm going to whip out my cobra. Yep. And just like...

Which is your telescopic electrified baton, yes? Yeah. And I'm just going to like clock him once so hard in the nards. Make an attack. 17. 17 will do it. Congratulations. All right, that's d6 plus your dexterity.

It's a versatile weapon. All right, so you get six points of damage. Oh, Jimenys. He's really hurt. He's still disadvantaged. Oh, that's eight. My dexterity is six, by the way. Oh, so you got ten?

So six plus two is eight. Right, eight points of damage. Eight. I'm going to use my action surge once a day. So I get an extra action. So I'm going to use two attacks twice. You can only do this once a day, but sure. Yeah, I'm going to kill this motherfucker so good.

I'm going to slash him up all in his face. I'm going to cut this guy's head off. For Frizzo and Johnny. 15, 16, 16, 5. That's three hits. And I do 3d8 plus 5 to each of them. So I do 9,

9, 10, and once again with the name sword of Sergei Vonsarovich, you cut Mr. Terminal down. That's enough. That will kill him. I'm not taking this back! As Mr. Terminal slumps to the ground, something strange happens.

His face seems to glitch once or twice, and his eyes turn a cloudy, milky hue. His pupils recede into them and his body seems to deflate. It reminds you of something you saw once before, which was when Mr. Fairbanks' peripheral was destroyed in the casino. No, it's his surrogate.

At this moment, you realise this may not be the real terminal, or indeed, the real person driving terminal. He's a roborg. But... Hey, can we... Sorry, did you say a roborg? Roborg?. He's a roborg. But... Hey, can we... Did you say a roborg? Roborg. Yeah, like a roborg.

It's a common term. You know roborg. Yeah. Half roborg, half cyborg. Everybody knows roborg. Yeah, a quarter human. It's in the Monster Manual, Dave. We all read it.

Can we hack this roborg? Can we hack and find and trace his owner? If only you had a hacker with you. We do. I'm a hacker. Yep, you... I hack him up. All right, so...

So let me just, to be explicitly clear, what do you do? I get out my keytar, what's it called? Your cyberdeck. My cyberdeck. My keytar. Your Cyber it called? Your cyber deck. My cyber deck. My keytar. Your Cyberlight 500 cyber deck. And I jam it into his brain. All right.

Installing the electrodes on your cyber deck into his brain, you tap-a-tap-a-tap-a-tap-a-tap-a, and enter into the matrix and do a deep dive into his consciousness. Make an intelligence check for me. He is surrounded with intrusion countermeasures. He is, of course, the head of security of a major corporation. Ten. He rolled a three.

Did you get advantage? Because she's good at hacking. Yep, she's fine. You're in. Okay, inside you can see that this is indeed a peripheral. In fact, it looks vat-grown. This doesn't look like a... Looks what?

Vat-grown. This is not a real person that ever existed. This was a being constructed for a singular purpose. And you can see a trail of zeros and ones, bits of data and light that are leading back to the main Vos Saito villa where whatever was controlling Terminal is still trying to reactivate its downed peripheral. And it's a path that you could follow.

Well, I do that because I've seen Hansel and Gretel and nothing went wrong for them. So it's a physical... It was my favourite book. Are you going to follow it in the Matrix or are you going to jump out and tell the others where it is? Can I pop my head out and then go back in? Because I can't see it. How can I follow the numbers if I'm

outside? So it's leading you to a physical place which is the villa where the Saito family live. Okay, I'll jump out. Alright, so you stick your head out? Yeah, I stick my head out and I'm like, we've got to go to the villa where the Saito family live. Okay, I'll jump out. Alright, so you stick your head out? Yeah, I stick my head out and I'm like, we gotta go to the villa! Come on! There's zeros and ones!

Which is good because that's all I can count to. Oh! We should fucking try. Friso is dying. We should put Friso in the machine. Actually, yeah, they ignored you for a while so make another death check. Oh, shit. Oh, does that count as a...

No. Okay, cool, because that was a one. All right, sick. Can't believe you broke our only dice tower. That's a failure. All right, guys. Guys. No, that was a three.

You moved it when you moved the castle. All right. The villain makes sense because... So, Friso, if you die once more, we are in a non-magical world. Well, we are in a magical world, but you never took a cleric with you. So, if you roll less than ten,

Friso will die. Okay, I reckon in the villa, they've got... First aid kit. Well, beyond first aid kit, I reckon they've got machines that rejuvenate, that heal. This is the fanciest family in the whole of Freeside.

What about Johnny PlayStation? Yeah, we'll take both of them. Who is that? Who's talking? It's me! I'll figure it out. Don't you worry, guys. Okay, we should put... Is that a synthetic voice appears on a speaker you didn't notice on the side of the cryo cell?

Is that Julian Fairbanks? No, I think that's Johnny. Oh, no, Johnny's PlayStation is more like, hey, man. It's more of a California kind of thing. It's a bit Scandinavian. He's like, hey, blah, blah, blah. Hey, guys. Yeah, you got it.

Hey. Johnny. It's me, Johnny. Oh, my God. Even his voice is like honey dripping down my legs. Right? It's like a really nice Ironbark honey, you know? So many questions.

How did it get there? How do you know about Ironbark honey? Listen, friends. Arthur Beazle. Johnny PlayStation is dying. No. Let's put Friso's body onto the cyber cube, whatever it is, the box. There's only enough space for one in here.

No, like on top of it, because it's like a floating thing, right? Yeah, it is a floating thing. And let's like hustle up to the villa. Or why don't we put him in the Matrix? No one dies in the Matrix. Or you could take Johnny PlayStation out of the box and put your friend Freezo in here, yeah? Can you do that?

I guess you guys have to make a choice. Who do you like more, this very famous pop star or your friend and colleague Freezo? This cryo... Johnny is dying, and if you take him out of the cryo cell without the first aid that it has, he will die, he will expire more quickly. There is definitely

a sort of potent rejuvenative ability even in this injured cryo cell, but it may be enough to keep Freezo alive. Well, if Johnny dies, we all die. If Freezo dies, huh? Yeah. I mean...

Ask yourselves, what would Friso do? Exactly. He would definitely help Friso. Is there... Can we see, like, a health pack or something around? Yeah, he's... Can you see a health pack? Like a red cross on the wall,

like the international single for Thursday. My international symbol is a quesadilla. A quesadilla, what? Can we check under a seat? Yeah, like in Goldeneye or Wolfenstein. There's a really good painting of a dog. So, what's behind the painting of the dog? I tear it off the wall.

It's bricks. You remove a brick and put it in Friso's face. You ruined a painting. You're right. Probably the compound is the closest place where there would be anything that could help. Wait. Maybe we should...

If we put a gun in Friso's hand and kill someone with that, will that mean that Friso gets temporary hit points? Yes. Yeah, it does. We need someone to kill. But the only person left is Mailchimp. Oh, boy. Wait.

Mailchimp! We have an idea. Your son is dying. You know your son? Yes. You love him so well. I do, but I have a solution. Your son is dying. You know your son? Yes. You love him so well. I do, but I have a solution. And she pulls her other dress down and over her nipple is a red cross. And she takes it to Friso's mouth. I did say that all of the hackers could have one special thing.

And you haven't used your special thing yet. They used it on a magical hammer and a laser Susan. Well, Dave, I did use it on a laser eye, but I already rolled the dice. It's too late. What did the medic tit roll? She's

a mother. This is her son. A mother's love, Dave. Do not underestimate a mother's love. You gain four hit points. Yeah! Woo! Oh, fuck.

As he suckles from her teeth, like, even though he's lying. Everybody has to watch. Everybody has to watch. It's very quiet. So, just to be clear, does Friso just wake up with his mother flopping a tit in his mouth? And is he like, oh, thank you. It's not his real mum.

I told you there was a vibe. Yeah, it's not my real mum. It's just my fantasy mum. You got caught up in your fantasy role play. It's my role play mother. All right, and still the trail of bits and bites and bits and boops leads to the Voss Cider compound. Well, it's like, Phil, Dr. Wild, let's be anywhere but here.

And they all just, like, walk, like, follow her, and everyone's just real quiet. And while everyone's real quiet and moving sheepishly, the mood of Freeside is not the same for there are now already once again the haywire cube was activated about 10 minutes ago and you can feel now strange vibrations in the air as fairbanks virus takes hold and suddenly at first but with growing intensity the motors that keep freeside in orbit begin to fall out of sync. As slowly this station irreparably begins to tear itself apart, it is almost imperceptible to human sense,

but you know what it means, and it sinks to your very core, Filch, for this station will have destroyed itself in about 15 minutes. Ooh. I think you did an hour. Sorry? Last episode it was an hour we had. He said did an hour. Sorry? Last episode it was an hour we had. He said about an hour. He wasn't very specific.

Should we come up with a backup plan? If we can, can we get, what's operating the time honey, the time trickle? It's the same thing. So because she hacked terminal, she could see that this whole area is being hacked and controlled peripheral and systems

by a sort of a data spike that is coming from the compound. So we need to head to the villa now. Can you hack, can you unhack the time trickle from where we are? You would need to get to the terminal that is there. Okay, let's, to the villa. To the villa. Maybe this whole thing is like not real. Like terminal wasn't real. Right, okay. To the villa. To the villa. Maybe this whole thing is not real. Like, terminal wasn't real.

Maybe none of this real. Now is not the time to start. Maybe nothing matters. And she starts cackling wildly. All right, we've got to get Johnny off this station. So Baston grabs the floaty thing. The cryo cell. And starts to leave.

All right, the boss side of compound is actually quite empty. Some of the savvier corporations will have already realised what is happening and will be subtly moving their forces to airlocks to escape, to leave the lesser families and corporations to their death. And Vos Saito compound is now a graveyard, so you are able

to quickly make your way through to the villa, which seems unguarded. And as the doors swing open, you find a beautiful, baroque, tastefully fashioned, old, pre-19th century designed living quarters that seem incredibly innocuous in these fantastical times. Any nice paintings in the room? There's this really beautiful painting.

Yeah. It's of a cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cat has dog eyes. His beautiful painting. Yeah. It's of like a cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cat has dog eyes. His dog eyes. Nice. It's part of a triptych. I rip it off the wall and throw it on the ground.

We don't have time. What else is in the room? So there's two spiral staircases leading up and that's where the data seems to be coming from and then there's sort of other small rooms off to the side and an antechamber. Let's head up so you can hack in. Alright.

Who's going first? Me. Alright, so what's the order of procession, just so I know? I hate it when you ask this because it means that I'm walking into some trouble. Alright, so Phil just first. Who's next? Baston pushes the trolley. Cuts up to the stairs.

Yeah, yeah. Freezes on top of the trolley, and then I guess Bobby's at the end. And I'm behind sort of scanning back with the gun. Okay, so you guys are going to have to stay at the foot of the stairs because you're with the cryo cell, and it can't go up the stairs. So Filch, you're going up alone? And I'll go up with Filch and cover her with a gun for when she's hacked in. Filch and Bobby and MailChimp will stay.

So Filch and Bobby, you make your way to the steps and there is another door and you feel a strange sensation like there is a great evil beyond this door. Me thinking, Friso beyond this door, that weird. Friso's with you.

Just a weird feeling. And we both feel it? Yeah, you can feel it. It's like a strange it's an energy almost pushing you back. You ready, Bobby? You kick the door in and I'll cover you. With what? My gun that I have.

Um, I kick the door in. And I zip around the corner and like fire off some shots. Inside the room as you fire off some shots which plink against the walls you see wall to wall bookcases, a fireplace at the end roaring with a fire and a

giant beautiful old leather and ermine armchair facing the fire with a blanket and a figure obscured by it with a hypodermic drip sitting next to them injecting something into their wrist. They're facing away from the door

and they don't turn even as the gun fires. I fire. Fire at the drip. Your shot sizzles. Serious? Yeah. All right. Your shot sizzles through the armchair.

Make an attack roll for me. With precision. And fires a hole directly through the chair. The action of it causes it to spin around slowly. And in the chair, you see a cadaver that you recognize as the body of one of the most eminent, richest, most powerful scions of industry of this age, Lord Saito himself, recently demised by a shot through the head. I go through his pockets.

In his smoking jacket, there is very little to be had. You find a small pipe, a cred stick, which is in some foreign strange language that you don't understand. German. But as the two of you are inside the room, you don't notice at first the doorway that you passed, which slides noiselessly open until a laugh

begins, annoying and grating, growing with intensity. And as you turn around, you see a figure, 93 years old, wizened and evil, with a weird beard and a mustache poking out from black-rimmed glasses, a strange being who has seen too much and lived too long.

It is, of course, the figure of Michael Hing. And to play Michael Hing. And to play Michael Hing, welcome to the stage, Sam Campbell. What the fuck? Why do you have my hoodie? Oh hey, it's me, Markling.

Who made the costume choices for this quite crass caricature? I feel like it's pretty much on the mark. So, he stands there with a gun in one hand and what seems to be a strange clamp in the other hand, blinking with red. It's a detonating trigger. You didn't tell me you were going to wear the mask, but I like it. We all wear masks.

In his other hand, a detonation trigger. So you're holding a gun in one hand and a trigger in the other hand that is a dead man's trigger, which you're holding clamped shut. No, you can just hold the microphone. We know you've got it. It's Dungeons & Dragons, so you're fine. It's imagination games. I wish I read the email.

And at this moment, it seems as if three seasons and some 50-odd episodes have led you to this moment, Michael Hing, where you must come face-to-face with your demons for the character that you have created and the avenue for unspeakable darkness that you have devised for yourself under the shadow of the feeble premise of a comedy show you do with your friends has now reached a point where you must face yourself. What will you, Michael Hing, do when faced with your greatest nemesis,

your own dark psyche? Can Michael Hing defeat Friso? Will Friso defeat Michael Hing? Can Johnny PlayStation be saved? Or will this night of nights be the night where Michael Hing is finally defeated here on the Giant Dwarf stage? For the answers to questions such as this, please tune in to the next episode of Michael Hing.

Thank you! Dragon Friends was performed by Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey, and DM by me, David Harmon. Shakira Khan designs our website. And this episode's music and sound was by Tom Lowndes. Our special guests were Sam Campbell and Carlo Ricci. Benny Davis wrote the theme, and Ben Jenkins, a lot of the more puerile jokes. Bye!