Dragon Friends - #3.18. This Boy Frezno with Sam Campbell

Episode Date: November 2, 2017

So it's all come to this. Now that we think of it, it couldn't have ended any other way. The Dragon Friends face their greatest challenge yet. There's violence, hacking, a kickass soundtrack by Tom Lowndes and the deaths of untold innocents. Also Sam Campbell wore a mask and an elephant trunk for all of the recording so if it helps, imagine that. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Myocardic toxin. A bioengineered virus famed by the black clinics of Chiba known for paralyzing the heart, destroying the humors that lie in balance in the body and bringing a swift and vicious death to those who come in contact with it. This is a toxin familiar to the four of you dragon friends as it is embedded in a sack in the back of your neck, which has slowly now for the last 12 hours begun to rupture. Already it feels like your senses are deadening. Already it feels like a strange pain is beginning to envelop you

and yet this close to the end, you cannot lose sight of your mission. Should we just describe what... I'm being stared at by a very aggressive... Just imagine it. It looks like Michael Hing is a 92-year-old man. Exactly spot on. That's all you need to imagine. Can I ask...

We need to paint a visual picture. So, Sam Campbell is dressed as Michael Hing. He's wearing one of Michael Hing's hoodie. It is unclear how he got that hoodie. Michael Hing's glasses. He's got one. He's got a mask with like a googly eye on it and another weird eye. He's got a trunk.

And he's got an elephant's trunk on his forehead and long white hair. So did you workshop this costume with Dave? I was not advised. I was not consulted. It was generated with one of those ageing machines. So Sam, run us through... Friso, you stand in a beautiful library surrounded by people who would call you friends

but perhaps you would call work acquaintances, for a personality deficit that has haunted you since your early days. And yet now that deficit has come a cropper for you find yourself staring into a body more soulless, more driven, more evil, even than yourself. It is the voice of a 93-year-old nonagenarian. Imagine evil and put it in a spooky bag, and that's what it would be.

It is, of course, Michael Hing. In one hand, a laser pistol. In the other hand, some kind of dead man's switch and a foul and rancid smile on his rotting lips. Greetings. That's the voice. That's the voice you're going to do? That's the voice?

All right. Uncanny. Do we know? We don't know who that is, do we? That's a good question. It looks. No, this is just an evil old man. Wait, but if...

All we knew was that... But you, Friso, feel a certain... No, so... Genesee Kwa. So in the lore of the show, wasn't... Didn't Michael Hing and Benny Davis go on some sort of murderous rampage? They did, and Michael Hing was presumed dead when he was found near the disembowelled carcass of Benny Davis,

but now some amateur conspiracy theorists believe that he evaded the cops by turning on Benny Davis, massacring him, hiding in his stomach. Have you written me as a traitor? Wait, wait, wait, wait. How does Michael Hing fit in Benny Davis' stomach? You have to stretch it real wide. Wait, I thought the murder weapon was called Benny Davis. No. No, that's Beanie Davis.

No, no, Beanie Davis is the beanbag shotgun I had. We need a wiki, all right. But the point is, no, you've never met him before. I'll introduce him. I'm Michael Hing. And can I also shoot some sap at them from my proboscis? Yeah, all right. No, no, roll for that. A bitoscis? Yeah, all right. No, no, roll for that.

A bit of sap? Yeah, all right. Quickly make for me. Why am I shooting sap? No, no, it's a 15-foot cone. It instantly hits you, Friso, and you, Bobby. So you filled your new Bobby. So I need you guys to roll for me a dexterity saving throw, DC 18.

What does the sap do to us? Failed. Failed. That's a one. Very failed. That's a 20. 20. All right, Bobby jumps up onto the top of a bookcase,

but the rest of you are, as the thick clodden sap from his glistening proboscis fires out, you find yourselves webbed, encased against the rotting bookcases that you now realise are in bad disrepair. Can we still talk? You can, but he has a moment. He has the floor.

That's right. I got you with some of my sap. And don't forget about it. That's right, my name is Michael Hing. Who? Michael Hing. Who? I've done some stuff for SBS.

Oh no. You guys remember the feed? Still proud of it. 60 years later. SPS? Did some stuff at Triple J four years ago, but not as much now. Can I shoot more sap?

This sap isn't functional. This is just taunting sap, but a bit more oozes out. Now you're out. You're out of sap. Yeah. There is just taunting sap But a bit more oozes out Now you're out, you're out of sap There's like a green sap which is poisonous And a purple which is Decorative That's right, I built this satellite

And I've been controlling the biggest corporation You didn't build it But You've infected it With your viruses, You are a genius computer hacker, and you have seized control of not just this satellite, but one of the

twelve, one of the twelve biggest megacorporations that run the corporate court. I'm, of course, talking about Vos Saito Group. For years, the reclusive Lord Saito has not been seen in public. This is because he has been frozen with myocardic toxin, imprisoned in this villa by Michael Hing.

And shot by Bobby Pancakes. Yeah, yeah, and definitely, that's what the court case will say. I know that, like, often the show goes off the rails from what you planned, Dave, but was there a point where we were going to, where you planned for us to use Lord Saito to help us solve this riddle? He would have helped.

He was a prisoner of this... He had a lot of character, he had a lot of nuance, a great backstory. Did you have a voice? Can we give the audience a little peek? What was his voice, Carlo? Oh, it's me, Mr Saito. Oh, that is good.

I've been hiding here since I was 10, you see. Oh, that's good. I've been trapped here in whole time, you see. Oh, that's good. I've been trapped here in this prison on this satellite. Did you notice my triptych of a dog with human ears

and a cat with dog eyes? You know what, guys? I'm glad. I'm glad I did this. And that is a human with the eye of a cat and the eye of a dog. But we cut back

to the wretched world we find ourselves in. What? That is like a David Bowie-esque painting of a human with the eye of a cat and the eye of a dog. It was very beautiful. I've been on this satellite for many years.

Many, many years. I've grown bored, but this satellite keeps me alive. I'm all plugged in. And indeed he is. And you can see that there are filthy, scabby, pustule-y interfaces all over his neck and there are cables like sort of wispy, shitty dreads coming off the back of his...

If you can imagine Michael Hing with shitty dreads. Yeah, I can. Who can imagine such a thing? It's weird that you guys would make a reference to 2005 like that, but that's fine. He just had dreadlocks. We were at uni and he had dreadlocks

and anyway, it doesn't matter. But yeah, like wispy, shitty dreads that are cables, oily cables that are plugging him

into a terminal that is in the side of the room. Don't you see that these cables are the only thing that keep me alive? I'm sick of staying here on this satellite with this cadaver.

Cadaver. I'm sick of this cadaver. Why? I long to escape, but alas, I'm trapped. Kept alive by the satellite. Well done. But this satellite is about to explode. Well, that's up to me, sweet pancake.

Wait, what? What did you call me? My beautiful little pilot. All right. Well, Flattery, we'll get you everywhere. He gestures grandiosely in one hand with his terminal and slings the gun and with the other hand pulls out a Cyberline 500 cyberdeck, similar to the one that you have, Filge. And he says that, he points out to you

that with a flourish of his keyboard, he could save the satellite. His virus has infected the entire satellite. He could open the airlocks. He could even allow you and Johnny to escape. That's right, I could save Johnny PlayStation. I could save you all. But someone would have to take my place on the satellite.

Someone with a similar essence and makeup to me. Someone would have to be left behind while you take me with you on all new adventures. Just a little bit of sap is dripping out of his proboscis. Just a small sapling. This boy, Fresno. This kind young creature. Are you willing to sacrifice him and I'll... Yep. You want us to leave Friso here and you, Michael Hing, will join us on our adventures as the dragon friends?

I think I'd be great. I'd be a great addition to the team. Wait, but you said that... Have you ever played with us before? I got three words for you. SBS. Suddenly an alarm begins to wail, for you can see that the subtle mechanisms that were causing the satellite to tear apart have now reached a critical stage. And as warning lights and klaxons blink a fiery red, a screen shows where an automated message informs that all members of Freeside should now calmly make their way to the arrival's

lounge. All members of Freeside should kindly make make their way to the Arrivals Lounge. All members of Freeside should kindly make their way to your nearest escape pod. Why not pick up a brochure on your way and check out one of our many in-flight purchases. Purchases can be made with one of our staff where the automated booths in your escape pods. All members of Freeside

should proceed immediately. And as the voice continues, you can see now surveillance footage of the Arrivals Lounge where a rioting, panicked mob of the 1%, gilded, idiot dandies that they are, clamouring for the last elevator down the needle to safety. But even as they make it to the arrivals lounge, the doors rip open as a swarm of angry scavengers

and wasteland wanderers appear. The tribe of the Million Kings having claimed the Haystack Casino, having taken even the needle, are pouring through to do battle with the 1% oblivious, even of the doom that awaits them. And at their forefront, waving a red flag, I suppose. Put it all on red! Is Dobson Bucknut.

And by red, I mean the blood of the rich! Kill them all! In the name of Michael Hing, kill them all! And you see on his face, he has the tattoo that you remember from the Million Kings downstairs. A weird skull shape with glasses is tattooed on Bubz and Dugnut's face. But the tribe of the Million Kings all worship Michael Hing? So we had described that as a tattoo of a kind of skull-like face

wearing goggles or something, but you now realise that it is a thin, angular face wearing black-rimmed glasses. Because the tribe of the million kings and their sigil that you see for the first time... Ah! and their sigil that you see for the first time. Ah! Our master bids us to take the manor

to the manor, million kings! And they all charge forward after me. Come on, boys, this'll be a bit of fun. Wait, is that a mistranslation through our time? Is that actually the tribe of a million kings? Oh, fuck. And as they try to chant million Hings, million Hings, million Hings, the real Michael Hing expansively waves his dead man's switch that he holds in his hand.

But I also put it down quickly to give them a thumbs up. Oh, OK, you can address them on the tannoy if you want. You're controlling the system, so you can speak to them through the speakers. My beautiful guys. Yes! He speaks! Thanks so much.

You're welcome. What do you bid us do do, almighty Hing? Just kill them all. Ah! And they just start killing all the richies. They just start chopping up rich people. Yep. It's some real...

It's a real shit fight outside. It's some real shit. Like, it's an Oliver Stone movie in here. It's like... It's a metaphor for something. Like... It just reminds me also that Hing... Sorry, that Friso is dressed as a rich man.

I am. Friso's dressed as Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly. Uncle Pennybags covered in blood. Oh, boy. And he picks up the dead man's switch again and points a finger at you. So I need to take your place in this chair. Yep.

And then I'll control Free Zone. Sure. Free Zone? What? My mind's being blown, Dave. He'll control Free Zone side. Dave, has Baston managed to drag Johnny PlayStation to the top of the stairs yet?

Yes, very slowly, arduously, you can. And now the red lights have started to die. So the lights that were blinking angrily red, about eight of the ten of them are blinking out and you can hear a voice coming through the speaker on the side of the cryo cell. It's always nice to meet a fan. Thank you.

You bastard. Oh my god, you know my name. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. Yes, Johnny? I feel this is this is it. No, Johnny, you can't die. You're too beautiful.

I'm... I've got to... No! Wait! Johnny lives on empathy. He's an empath. We need to send him healing thoughts. I don't think that's how that works. That's empathy!

Are you thinking of Peter Pan? And she just screams at the box, Band-Aids! Medicine! Don't even worry. Your fans love you. All your fans, Johnny, are thinking about you. We love you.

Your body restoring. Your cells coming back to life. That's all Johnny ever wanted. Well, look. It's been a real trip, dogs. And at that point, the ninth of ten lights blinks out and there is only one red light left blinking on the side of his cryo cell. Michael Higgins shoots out a huge wad of sap. I can save you, I you. You can still have this

gorgeous little Johnny PlayStation. Now make a choice. Take me on all the new adventures? Good time, Michael Hing. Hey, it's me, Michael. Me would never take such a monster as Michael Hing on any adventure in any of my life.

How dare you even suggest it? Bobby says, Wait, wait, wait. He, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,... Like, he's a cool, confident guy. This guy's talking my language, yeah? He seems like he's the kind of guy who's, like, I don't know, probably, you know, he does things that are commercially successful, but he also does things that have artistic merit. You know, he's just, like, that kind of guy who's got broad appeal across mediums, I guess, and he's available to host things.

All right, dragon huddle, dragon huddle. I thought... Can I be in on the huddle? Alright, Michael Hing. Feels good to huddle again. Look, I thought I would never meet a monster as bad as Friso. But Michael Hing seems like literally

the worst person. Look at that weird thing on his head. He's got a prick of oscus. I should never have asked to join this huddle. Sorry. This was inconsiderate.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so... Could you go? Yeah, I should go. Okay, all right. We'll continue. Apologies. The worst.

Just the worst person. Even though I'm not in the huddle, I can still hear a lot of the stuff that's being said in the huddle. But it comes down to it, though, Friso. To save us, you have to stay here. I can't see any other way out. To save Johnny, to save us, to stop the poison being released in our bodies, the only way...

And that poison you can start to feel. There is now suddenly a metal taste that all of you are starting to feel in your mouths, which is strange and really concerning, as the red lights that were blinking in the back of your necks, which have been blinking for a while now, continue to blink in triple time. There is another way.

Johnny? Maybe. Wait. Johnny, tell us what it is. Why don't we call... Why don't we call Mr. Sour? Maybe you have an idea. You do have a phone.

Call him on the B. All right. I solemnly take... Bobby takes it out of his pocket and flips it open are you just going to allow this Michael Yang the man with the gun in the room

let's see how it plays out and I just match the buttons with my fist until the last number that it calls me the last button you press is redial right

and I solemnly say hello bees until the last number that it calls me. The last button you press is redial. Right. And I solemnly say, hello, bees. Dobry vechor. It is me, Mr. Sour. Oh, it's a real Russian accent. For the first time. I've brushed up on my country's heritage.

And I think it really, I feel for the first time, if I can share this with you, I feel complete. Bobby goes to the far corner of the room and sort of turns his back to everyone else. Very anticlimactic. Sorry, just a moment. So, Mr. Sauer, we're in a kind of a predicament here. Freeside is going down. I don't know if you're getting this on the news,

but Michael Hing has taken things over. You're not going to get your package. But where is my ship? It should have already arrived. It's been stuck in time trickle. Of course, time trickle. In the north we call that Mjöldem Kleklek. Well, that a maybe.

But if there's anything you can do to help us out of this situation, we're fast running out of options. If only we had a direct link to Julian Fairbanks, who designed this station. We do! What? Me was listening in to the conversation. Hello. Hey, if it isn't Phil. I'm here too. Oh, hey, Bastog.

Hello. Hi, Mr. Sauer. You can put Mr. Sauer on speakerphone, but that means Michael Hing's part of the conversation too. We're all crap. I'm in there. Party line. Who's that speaking in the background? Hey, Michael Hing, how are you?

Hey, Milo man. Michael Hing. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Don't talk to him. Listen. Do you want to be on a podcast? I think Frieza's going to do it.

Wait, you're going to do what? I think Frieza's gonna do it. You're gonna do what? I think Frieza's gonna take... I think Frieza has to take the seat. Because Sawa... Sawa's gonna betray us. But we're all facing a greater evil than anything we're fighting to up until this point, Michael Hing.

So, Frieza, what are you going to do? I think he... I think Frieza goes up to the old man and he... Say his name. This is fucked. Say it so it's real. This is so fucked, you guys. Say it so it's real This is so fucked you guys Say it and describe him

Friso approaches Friso approaches the the gnarled decrepit rotting 93 year old Michael Hanks and says to him okay if you

if you swear to me that you'll save my friends I'll take your place here at the but I need you to I need like you to show me that you're serious I need to know that you're not gonna betray me so you need to like you need to let them off first and then I'll take the place what about we do at the time? Or let them off just a little bit after?

Am I that neurotic? Am I that neurotic? Is that... Okay. Okay. Yeah, at the same time. A little bit after, I think. No, no.

Chuck you in. Take... They're off. We'll do half, and you let two of them go. And then we'll do the other half of the chords into the neck. And then... Can I go back? I was making a soup. I'm going...

Hello? And then the line goes dead. Oh, we were meant to ask him about our neck sacks. That's... What are you going to do? Listen here, you little shit. You're so shit. You're no good, Freezo.

Strap in there. Get in there right now. And he pulls... I'm not making any promises with you, I'm Michael Hing I'm Michael Hing I am Michael Hing You don't fucking tell me what to do I'm Michael Hing

Do you respect me? Yes you do I'm Michael Hing Shut up And he pulls a filthy knot Of electrodes out of his neck with a wet popping sound. Ugh. Ugh.

And he droppers them. Fuck. And he holds them up to you. Friso, in your face. They are held up towards you. Does Friso have a socket? These are electrodes, so you just need to stick them to the skin. Contact derms.

I'm shaking them. Nah, fucking... Shaking them. Fuck it, let's kill this motherfucker. You had your chance to make a deal, old man. I'm gonna fucking hit him with the hammer. This is fucked, Dave. I don't know what I'm doing fucking hit him with the hammer. Ah! This is fucked, Dave. I don't know what I'm doing, man.

Alright, you're going... I'm gonna hit an old man with an electric hammer. You're going to offer a deal to an old man, and when he agrees to your deal... No, he said no deal. I said no deal. Alright, this is indicative of my behaviour. Okay, let's go. Alright, you get a bonus attack. I said no deal This is indicative of my behaviour Armour on Alright you get a bonus attack

I don't know what that one was But this one is a That was a 5 That one was an 18 Oh because he doesn't have his glasses on I can't read the dice Alright I will allow the first dice you can see I'll be your eyes

You hit him with your mega hammer and it deals seven points of damage as he reels back and he screams at you, traitor, cheater, like, that's the general gist. What? No! Why don't things ever work out? And he pulls his gun and he fires at you, Friso. Phil jumps in front.

It's an eight. Eight. Eight is a man. It's an eight. He doesn't have many hit points. So you're making a dodge check. You're gonna give up your go. That would have, an eight would have actually hit

because he has a surprisingly high dexterity, but you're going to give up your go for a dexterity, so you have one chance for a dodge reaction. Me? So, yep, this is done with advantage because Phil is helping. Oh, good, because that was a five. That would have missed. And that is a two.

Oh, fuck. Has this all been in vain? Did I kill myself only for the character who killed myself to also die? You take four points of damage. Free Zodas. Yeah. Can I ask, do death checks reset? They do reset.

Oh, good. Oh, boy. So there is a moment where you suddenly grab your chest. You're not wearing a suit, right? No, you're dressed in a fancy dress costume. As there is a bullet lodged in your chest and for not the first time you feel so tired. You just want to close your eyes.

This has been so long without rest, so long without a connection to the magic that has sustained you, the reason for your living. Yeah, where the fuck am I spelled? A mocking, filthy figure stands above you and now descends, a claw filled with derms in his hand as he gets ready to plug you into his system. Bobby dashes to Friso, places the gun he has in his hand,

wraps his hand over Friso's and pulls the trigger at Michael Hicks. You still have an action, so... All right, I will allow that. This initiative order is coming undone, but sure, go for it. And three. Three.

Baston, with his other hand takes free Zosan and fires at Michael Hing. I'm going to allow it. 17! 17! You fire and Michael Hing takes, I rolled a one, I'm sorry, five points of damage as Michael Hing flies back. He's an old, decrepit man and he is now mortally injured,

but he is still alive. And in fact, he can't fall quite because the trodes in the back of his neck hold him upright as he staggers in pain, sparks flying in a rage. He points a nailed finger at Friso and says, we had a deal. We had a deal? Did we have a deal? We had a deal! Don't back down, Friso!

You beautiful ugly little grr! I'm going to get you! And Friso, make a death check for me. Oh, shit. Oh, he didn't get any hit points? He didn't kill him. No, no, he didn't kill him. You'll need a death check for me. Oh, shit. Oh, he didn't get any hit points? You didn't kill him? No, no, you didn't kill him. You'll need to kill someone for me.

I fixed the dice tower. Oh, did you? That's a 13, Dave. All right, you're fine for now. Fuck! And now it is your turn. Oh, sweet. Michael Hing gets to do whatever Michael Hing wants to do,

like always. Um, I might throw. Yep, so you've got the gun in one hand and you've got the dead man's switch in the other. I'll throw the gun. You throw the gun. Who are you going to throw the gun at? Who do you throw the gun at?

The batty pancake. The batty pancakes. All right, make sure. All right, yeah, okay. Just make a dexterity. Make an attack. Yeah, I know, tungsten. It's a four.

You miss. But I have six dexterity. Can I roll the catch? As a reaction. You can use your reaction to try and catch it. Seven. No. Seven plus six.

Yeah, no. You do not catch the gun. So the gun goes wild, and the next one up is Filch. Filch is going to fight him in the Matrix. Is that good? All right. Okay. Get your deck out. Is that good? It's, uh, I, all right. So. Okay, get your deck out.

Michael Hing. Unslinging your cyber deck. Filge dives into the Matrix and suddenly sees two figures with her. One of them, the ghostly figure of Julianne Fairbanks, and the other one, the even more ghostly figure of a mortally wounded serial Night Vale, who are standing there in this strange, ethereal place. Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend Filch. It's me, Julian Fairbanks.

I know. Fairbanks, there are greater evil out there than even you could ever imagine. Fairbanks, there are greater evil out there than even you could ever imagine. I know true evil. Because there is no cure to the virus I put inside you, Filch. Inside? No, that was Mr Sour. There is no cure to the virus that Mr Sour put inside you.

Side note, me never actually got the virus. Because me wasn't there when they all got the virus. Only Bobby and Bastogne have the virus. Suri just says, hey, girl. Hey, girl, and we fist bump. Yep. Is Michael Hing in The Matrix? I want to find him in The Matrix.

He's in the real world, but now suddenly you can sort of see the world from the position of The Matrix, the security cameras. You can see now the arrivals lounge where there are many scavengers wearing the bodies from the position of the Matrix, the security cameras. You can see now the Arrivals Lounge where there are many scavengers wearing the bodies and skulls of the rich as their heads. And you can see already Dobson Bugnut and his most elite warriors now ascending the steps to the Villa Saito, ready to take the space.

And we'll be here in a matter of seconds. Can I unplug Michael Hing's trodes from the Matrix? He is embedded. It is clear that for years he has wormed his way into the system and it will be very hard, but you can try. I say

show yourself, Michael Hing! Michael Hing exists in two places, the real world and the world of the Matrix. So a... Michael Hing. Michael Hing exists in two places, the real world and the world of The Matrix. So a... Michael Hing can choose whatever form he wants in The Matrix. So how does he appear? Really, really, really big toad.

really big toad. A giant toad blinks into existence. This toad is covered in sap. Okay, a very sappy toad. Your sap don't scare me, Michael Hing. Michael Hing! Me have something more powerful than all your viruses and all your electrodes and all your sap in the whole universe.

Me have friends. You never have had friends like me, Michael Hing. Me have Bobby Pancakes, the sneaky little halfling. Me have Bastogne, the most handsome man in the world. And me have Friso. Sure, he's complex. Sure, he loves to murder. But he will never, ever be like you.

And you know what else me have? Me have... ..empathy. And it's blasting out of my face. We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have...

We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have...

We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... We have... Make a charisma check. DC 13. You have advantage because that was something else.

Two dice, highest roll. You need to beat 13. Your charisma. You rolled a 10 and a 15. That'll do it. Michael Hing. Hideous creature that he is. Upset troglodyte.

Gnome with no friends. Strange goblin no one could ever love. Subtoad. Feels inside him a glimmering of uncertainty that maybe his 93 years are for naught. That maybe he should have done something with his life, that maybe he should have been nice to his friends who were nice enough to let him into their Dungeons & Dragons show.

And in that moment of uncertainty, his electrodes blink out and something strange happens because in this sixth age, as magic and technology intertwine, this gathering of the spirits, two emotional cores so identical to each other, so close in proximity, creates a kind of rift that tears apart two different realities, merging them together as one. If just for a second and you,iezo, suddenly feel a strange power, you feel the beating of Chilton drums, a savage jungle heat, and you suddenly feel

magical power that has been distant to you for so long coming back into your body with new spells you never knew, a spell to fly, a spell to make you invisible, a spell to even control fire, and fling it forward in balls of pain and agony. And for a moment, you know what you must do. Do I have to cast Fireball at myself, Dave? Hey man, I'm not telling you to do nothing.

Have you orchestrated this, Dave? So I have to cast Fireball on myself? Because you can't mess with a Fireball. It's just 8d6 damage, Dave. That's going to kill an old man, Dave. Dave! I'm gonna kill an old man, Dave! I guess...

One... Two... Three... It will also hit all your friends. Five... Six... Seven... Eight... What are you going to do?

I can't. I have to kill everybody? I don't know, Dave. You have all your magic spells. Oh! That's not an AOE damage dealer, of course. Oh, yeah. What does that mean? Is that what's

Yeah yeah For the fucking emails We're gonna get Dave In the moment of this law Has the merging Of the Chilton world And this world Given Freezo

Temporary hit points? Obviously It's just the crowd We're yelling Yes Just one hit point And this world, given Friso, temporary hit points? Obviously. It's just the crowd were yelling things. Just one hit point. You have one hit point. One hit point. It's brought you back to life, even though you were dying. Okay.

Hey, attention, Hing. Because you were a minus one hit point, and your pride died, and I guess that's two hit points. Fuck. Okay, that's a more savage burn than sap toad. All right. Dave, Friso casts Witch Bolt at Michael Hing. Woo! You missed!

That's a four. That was a four. And now, having tried to kill yourself and failed, the next one up is Bobby Pancakes. I still have my hand on Friso's hand with a gun in it. You and Bastondo. Oh, yeah. We're all still hanging on to each other.

And all of us raise our hands together, aim it at Michael Hing, and I put pressure on Friso's hand and pull the trigger. Make a dexterity. No, this is... Actually, no, sorry, stop, stop, stop. Hing, with advantage, make this attack because you're awake again. Why am I doing this?

Oh, because it's my hand, right? It's your hand. Your friends are helping you, Michael. Thanks, Jack. All right. That's a 19! All right. Eight.

Okay, that's an eight. All right, 15 points of damage is enough to kill a nonagenarian and Michael Hing flies backwards in pain. But as he croaks, he still has a chance to issue his last words. I'm not sorry. Fuck you, sweetheart. And he lets go of the dead man's switch. And as he does, the alarms scream in pain as the doors burst open and scavengers from the tribe of a million Hings burst forward

because an alarm starts to count down. 30 seconds until the destruction of Freeside. 30 seconds until the destruction of Freeside. As Michael Hing's last gambit is laid true, and you now realise that there is not enough time to make it back to the airlock, and you are doomed to die here with the Gilded Elite that called this place home.

20 seconds remain. Uh... Suicide pact? Suicide pact? No, I'm sensing... No. Sorry, I forget I said anything. Wait! There is still a chance. And you hear a voice coming from the crackly tannoy of your cryo cell with one light blinking.

Plug me into the station. PlayStation, of course. PlayStation, of course. Baston plugs him in. All right, as you plug the device into this station, as I said, there are scavengers all around you, but you grab a filthy hand of Troads and you plug them in, and there is a moment when the lights on the side of the cryo cell blink, blink and disappear as the last life diode on the side of this cryo cell blinks. The Johnny PlayStation has died.

Johnny! Before it flashes blue as the spirit of Johnny PlayStation seems to rush out of the cryo cell and down the electrodes that Michael Hing over 30 years had painstakingly used to take control of this entire PlayStation. Johnny has control of Freeside. His body is dead, but his spirit lives on. Wow, I thought I died, but turns out I didn't, I guess, or whatever.

I don't know. Well, actually, I feel really good. I'm feeling good. It's like my favorite thing to do. And as a beacon of power erupts, you realize that the PlayStation virus has taken hold of Freeside, and you race towards the airlock and the flames are high better I'm dead And I'll never, I'll never feel better I'm feeling feelings that I didn't know I had

Not a ghost in a shell I'm a big happy crab I thought I knew joy But it turns out I was wrong I'm a beautiful phoenix With a fiery swan song The web is mine to surf And the waves are sick tubes

Got a million thoughts a second And they're all best rules I'm nibbling on megabytes Yeah, I'm hitting send Now all known information Is my girlfriend Girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend I'm dead

And I never, I never felt better I'm dead And I never, I never felt better I'm dead And I never, I never felt better Anyway, I'm dead, but I'm alive still. Thanks for listening. As every system in Freeside comes under control,

you are able to race your way to the airlocks. Most Sido is in control. Mr. Sowers' men cannot stop you as you take your leave of the station. Just before you leave, a beautiful pulse of energy flies out, crimson, iridescent, and powerful, as the scales and blinking lights on the backs of your necks fall away like so much detritus, and that beam of light carries you to a new world.

Johnny PlayStation is dead, but he lives forever. His apotheosis is complete. The phoenix is reborn, and as this sixth age is left behind you, who knows where the dragon friends will emerge next? To find out what space and time can collect this motley crew. To find out if Hing can live with himself

after the murder of Frieza. Or is it the other way? I forget. To find out what comes next, please tune in to the next season of Dragon Friends! Thank you! Can I have a huge round of applause for Simon Greiner, Aidan Lacey, Sam Campbell, Carla Richitchie Alex Lee Michael Hink

They're not here but let's hear it for Ben Jenkins and Benny Davis and DJ Tom Loud Give it up for Dungeon Dave Harmon Dave Harmon Give it up for Dungeon Dame Harmon! Dame Harmon! How do you feel?

I don't know, man. This is fucked.