Dragon Friends - #4.01. Erotic Cirque Du Soleil

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

The Dragon Friends have travelled from the dizzying heights of the Barovian Balinoks to the infomatic wastelands of Earth 2075 but it’s time for a homecoming of sorts. We’re back for 2018 with a new campaign setting, new special guests and a whole lot of very familiar murder, theft and bullying.This episode features musical accompaniment on the goddamn cello by Ange Lavoipierre. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Ear Jockeys! It's a brand new season of Dragon Friends. Just a note that if you live in Sydney and have dreams of upgrading your Dragon Friends experience all the way to Face Jockey, we do live recordings of the podcast every month at the Giant Dwarf Theatre. Our next recording is on March 13 and you can buy tickets on our website. Here's the show! Blinding, pure, chromatic energy Unspeakable joy, unbearable pain As Freeside explodes in a million points of light, you feel yourselves enveloped in the tessellating rapture of Johnny PlayStation's apotheosis and shot like a cannon out of danger,

out of Freeside, out of this and all known worlds. Then there is nothing but darkness. Darkness and a voice. Hyperion Max, hero of the fault line, keeper of the bluffs of chance. My auctions attract a distinguished crowd, but I have to admit your presence... I don't know how they pronounce anything. ...is a surprise and an honor. Fighting waves of nausea and the worst headache imaginable, Bobby, you carefully open your eyes.

You are in a private study. Doink, doink. Seated on a plush recliner of wood and velvet. Strange trophies sit ensconced in glass and lead-lined niches, while a quartet of impeccably dressed thugs glare at you from the corners of the room. Their posture and intensity suggests that they do not need to show you the many ways they could end your life if you misbehave. The deadly whip-thin suppression malls on their belts do most of the talking. But then, of course, Max, this is a special occasion.

I cannot tell you how much interest our house's latest acquisition has garnered. But then rare power has a way of attracting rare power. The room stops humming for a moment and you take a look at your host, an impeccably dressed efreeti, all horns and long silken robes, as he gets up from his own recliner and walks behind his desk. From around his neck, a key opens, a drawer and a slim wooden box

wrapped in cord is retrieved. He offers the box to you, Bobby Pancakes, and struggling to remember how fingers work, you do your best to clumsily take it from your host. Of course, most of my guests cannot know that the Lance is actually here in the City of Brass. They think they're bidding for the coordinates to an altogether more fortified holding facility. But we can suspense with such theatrics.

Yes, Mr. Max, we're all friends here. As your fingers remember how to function, you manage to open the box's delicate clasp, and inside, nestled in a plush setting, is a simple glass sphere the size of a bald fist. You realize you have absolutely no idea what you're looking at, where you are, or what the hell is going on. There is, of course, just one problem. Your host sighs and withdraws from his desk a slim wand. You are not Hyperion Max, are you?

The room shimmers under a powerful counter-spell. Your costume vanishes as does the invisibility field surrounding your friends Baston, Filge, and Friso as they fall to the ground. As I said, my guests are a distinguished crowd. It would be the best to do this quietly. Put down the lance and empty your pockets. Now, please.

Do I have pockets? You are wearing a non... You are wearing an incredibly form-fitting and quite flattering non-gendered short-sleeved jumpsuit. It is white with a cinched waist. It looks fantastic on you. It is embroidered with what seems to be the insignia of a tessellated heart. Yes, but do I have pockets? Yes, you have pockets.

What's in my pockets? You have nothing in your pockets. I have nothing in my pockets. All the same, I'd like you all to empty your pockets, please. Dave, do I have pockets? How many of us have pockets? Let's do it all at once, Dave. Who doesn't

have pockets? You all have pockets. None of you have anything on you's do it all at one stage. Who doesn't have pockets? Pockets? You all have pockets. None of you have anything on you. This looks like the kind of place where you're not allowed to bring things in except for you. As you sit inside your pocket, obviously you find... You still are holding the wooden box with the glass sphere, but in your other pocket you find what seems to be a small, hard, rectangular object.

pocket, you find what seems to be a small, hard, rectangular object. I use my magic hand. You know my magic hand that I got? You mean mage hand? Mage hand. Do you mean sticky hand? That was a magic. I use my magic hand to take it out of my pocket.

Well, talk into time zone. This feels needlessly showing. And hold it behind my back so that he can't see. Oh, I know what you're... Okay, you want to do some Le Jet de Main. Le Jet de Main. What? Pleasure to meet you.

I can sit. Le Jet de Main. All right, great. Make for me a sleight of hand check, DC 15. That is a one. Roll that again. That's a 10. Plus a sleight of hand.

It's a plus 10. So 20. All right, you make it. Because of your halfling luckiness, we will forget the one. So you're... No, no, no, that's real. Look it up. That's not just me being nice.

It's true. Sometimes it's me being nice, but that one's a real one. So Bobby, muttering under your breath quickly something, you flick behind you that metal object before even you can see it, then make an ostentatious show of how empty your pockets are. And as I do that, I kind of fushigi David Bowie that glass orb that I pulled in my hands and be like

nothing but this. Please stop fushigying the orb. Everybody wants to fushigi the orb. Then why did you give it to me if you didn't want me to fushigi it? And Filch goes, what's that behind your back, Bobby? Can I look?

Um... I throw the orb at the guy's face. Alright, great. The moment you do that, quickly we go into combat. So you throw the orb. Wait, is he tossing it friendly or are you like over it? You said into his face. Are you pitching it? Yeah.

I'm just, I panicked, okay? I panicked. I want to, how, Hing? Yeah? It's been a while since we've done these. How do you throw something friendly-like into someone's face? No, don't. How do you throw something friendly-like into someone's face?

No, don't. I mean... Quite friendly. Quite friendly. See the big smile? See the smile on the face? Do you know what's interesting? It's violence with a smile. He just threw a dice at Dave's face.

That was so obvious that was going to happen that the camera cut to a tighter view before you... LAUGHTER All right, you go into combat. Quickly, make for me an attack roll improvised, so just straight dexterity. So that's 13 plus... Wait, what? I rolled it.

Oh, you already did it. That's a 13 plus... Four, 17. All right, so that hits, and the Efreeti actually flinches as the thing hits him, but surprisingly it doesn't hurt him really, it's a small glass sphere.

But he's incredibly it falls onto the ground very, very hard and he and all four of his guards leap back against the walls as if they're terrified at what's happened and for a second none of them walls as if they're terrified at what's happened. And for a second none of them move. So they're

all still startled. And that means that it goes to you now, Friso. I'm going to make a dive for the old orb. Yep. I don't know. I mean I guess we don't know what the orb does or anything. But in a movie, if there's an orb you want the orb. Oh, you want the bloody orb. Why wouldn't you go for the orb?

Have you ever seen anybody in any pop culture ever refuse an orb? It's not like in Transformers, it's like, oh, the orb. Nah, I'll get it next time. Oh, no, I'm good. You need the orb. No, I'm good on orbs. Quickly, with advantage, because they're all terrified. Hachimachi.

You're competing against him, who tries belatedly to grab it. A 12 plus dexterity is 14. It's great, that's all right. You grab it. You roll onto the ground, Friso, and you grab the orb off the ground, and now you're holding it, and the next one up is you, Bastogne.

I'm going to kick someone in the head. Okay. The only people right next to you are the dragon friends. Okay, but if they're... All the better. If they're further away, then I can fly kick them. I've jumped in front of you, so you can... Yeah, I'm going to jump over him.

I'm going to leapf him. I'm going to leapfrog off his shoulder and just go Oh! I don't know if Rezo's bones can handle that. He'll be fine. I can do two kicks, alright? Because I'm awesome. Oh, 20! And to kick off the season right

I'm the best! Five damage and another four damage. Bam, bam. Nine damage. Staggering. All right. So, hey, Dave, it was cool. Wait, no, I get bonus.

It's doubled. Anyway, maths, whatever. You guys are waking up in a place that you don't understand, have no idea how you got there. Extremely well. I don't think it's... Fight or flight, baby. It's not very different from anything else. But don't we have...

Like, we can't not fight them. No, so you... Yeah. So he takes 12 hit points of damage, and then the next one up is you, Filch. Filch is panicking, so everyone else seems cool, but she's freaking out. Yep.

So she's just going to run at the closest guy. He's got horns. What is he? He's an Afriti. What's that, Dave? It's like a You can't assume we know these things. It's like a cross between a genie and a devil. How did I know that? Is that racist? I've never met neither of them.

He's like, his name is Caliphant. Does that help? Yes. Hey, I swing at Caliphant's face with my maul screaming, what are you? You don't have your maul. Your pockets are empty. Oh, but I thought my hands were full of maul, Dave.

None of you have your weapons. I'll do it with my trusty old fists. Alright, great. Make an attack. That's a one, Dave. I believe that counts as a hug. I think you accidentally hug him. Well, I do scream, what are you? So does he answer my question if I'm hugging him?

I'm uncomfortable. All right, the guards... Guards! The guards, as they notice that the glass sphere hasn't seemed to do anything, they're regaining their composure, and all of them unsling suppression moles from their belts, and they start to advance on you, forming a ring quickly around Caliphan and, I guess, Filge,

and Caliphan speaks up again. Listen, we don't behave like gentlemen. Leave the orb and I'll let you live. You gave me the orb. It was a monologue and then I was going to be like, I know who you are. And then all the guards were going to get you. Look, if I'm honest with you, I left the reveal a sentence too

late. And look, that's on me. It's the first time I've done that. I said to Tony here, I said, should I do it now? And he said, no suspense. Anyway, and Tony's like, what if you do it? And he's real sheepish, and he's like, anyway, point is,

you're unarmed. I have some guards. And give me the orb, and then we can go about our separate ways. Is there a door out of the room? Yeah, there's a double door behind you. There's a fireplace, there's his desk.

The guards are now in a loose semicircle around him, behind the desk, and facing the desk behind you is a set of double doors. Is there a fire in the fireplace? There is a roaring fire. Oh, well, there goes that idea. It took you three years of D&D, but yeah, fire burns. What if we threatened to smash the orb to get some bloody answers?

All right, go for it. All right, listen here, Afridi. What's your name? My name is Calif... Califan. Calzone. Calzone. Listen here.

Califan. Listen here, Calzone. Okay. That's... We don't care for your orb. Where we come from, we get orb every day. We eat it for breakfast. We're going to smash this orb if you don't tell us what it is.

Why did you come here to steal it then? For a second. While Filch has his attention and he's in front of you, I want you don't tell us what it is. Why did you come here to steal it then? For a second. While Phil has his attention and he's in front of you, I want you to make a perception check for me. Just DC 10. 17. Alright, you have a moment now and you quickly sort of get a look at the square that you're holding. It's a small rectangular, sort of

a flat metallic remote or controller it seems and it has a jewelled button in the centre of it. I press that button. Alright, the moment you press that button, three things happen immediately. There is a sonic scream that

all of you quickly make for me a constitution saving throw. DC 11. 18. 13. Constitution plus zero, I have 15. Yep. Was that a four? That's a four Yeah, you got a four is what you got I got a nine with my constitution

So Phil, you're disorientated Did she poo herself? No! It's a constitution Dave, I'm wearing a white jumpsuit Don't make me poo myself You don't I will just say you're disadvantaged

And leave the rest up to imagination I don't poo myself, guys But you're disadvantaged And so the rest of you, there's a screaming noise and suddenly out of the ether materialises a box which falls to the ground and then disappears. And out of it slumps a heavy maul, a short sword, two magical swords, all of your items.

The second thing that happens, as I said, is the scream. And the third thing that happens is that all of the guards suddenly clutch at their ears and drop to their knees. Does Calzone also drop to his knees? My name is... Yes, Calzone also drops to his knees. Why are you... You named him!

You named him! You've got to give the players what they want. You're letting them win! Yes, he drops to his knees. Let's grab our stuff and book. Just get out of here? Skedadzals? Well, otherwise we're gonna have to kill them.

Are they in a circle around us? I run around the circle and slap them in the face one after the other. Again, unnecessarily short. I grab my stuff. You grab your stuff? Grab my stuff. Grabbing the stuff as well. Excellent, so you have all of your weapons.

You still don't have any armor. You don't have any other items on you. And I fear no door and I kick the door down. Double door? Yeah, double door. Strength check. Kick it open. This is going to be... Yeah, 19. Can you roll for the door to see if it doesn't come back and wipe?

No, no, no. 19 is good. Don't forget we have dice cards. Does Bastogne know how a handle works? I thought about it. I looked at the handle. I defy you, handle. And I just kicked it down. All right, so you burst through the doors. Bastogne is dumber than the Boston Dynamics robot. Big dog.

The doors open up, and as they do, the cone of silence that they have suppressed the room in is shattered. And for the first time, the people outside the room can hear what's happening inside and outside the room is what seems to be a giant party in fact there are dignitaries dressed in the finest clothes you've ever seen some of them like fine beautiful ermine robes some of them wearing clothing that seems almost futuristic like yourselves this is obviously a veritable who's who's of the movers and shakers of this world.

Trade dignitaries rubbing shoulders with exotic and impeccably dressed warlords while shadowy agents linger by the walls to place bids and make deals for their masters and you realise that you have stumbled into something huge. There is also a light table of canopies. That's a bit of flavour. Is that not how you pronounce no it's not canapes it's canapes it cannot be

it's It's the same thing! It's the same thing! Dave, Dave, Dave, I think you mean Paws-Doo-bras. I'm not gonna fall for that. When we were on a trip to Tasmania once, we convinced Dave that, you know how in every city it's slightly different with pots and pints and we convinced him that in Tasmania it was a donger?

You should have seen the barman's face. G'day there, mate. Can I just get a donger of Carlton Draft there? Happy to spend time with my friends. Dave, are all the people in this fancy party room, are they all humanoid? Great question. Different races?

There are different demi-humans, there are elves, a lot of Efreeti and Djin and kind of abyssal creatures. There are also... So these are the kinds of people we wouldn't necessarily go to a party in. No, this is high society. But I also would point out that there are impeccably dressed military uniforms, some of them bordering on the futuristic. There is what seems to be like a modern general sitting at one table and there are a couple of people in just impeccable Armani tuxedos.

So this is... Armani? Yep. That's translated into this world?mani tuxedos. So this is... Armani? Yep. That's translated into this world? No, not at all. So that's what I'm saying. I mean, I guess it's weird that I would describe that now that I say, unless Filch knows what Armani is.

Are they Armani branded or are they knock-offs? If you look closely, do they say Armani? I think Filch was a junior executive of Horizon. She would know a knock-off when she saw one. This is the real deal. All right. Stoots. But not stoots.

Can we bail through this? Like, is there security patrolling? No, at the moment, there's just frightened, concerned guests as four heavily armed people burst through holding weapons. Ladies and gentlemen, we are Cirque du Soleil. I want to do a flip. What's the play, Armani? armed people burst through holding weapons. Ladies and gentlemen, we are Cirque du Soleil. I want to do a flip. Watch the play I'm on. Okay, make an acrobatics check.

I'm doing a flip. 11, 15, 16. I do a flip. I did a 23 flip. So you did a moderate flip. You did a hard flip bordering on very hard. I did a little forward roll. What did you get?

Seven. A very easy flip. I rolled a four? Friso leaps up in the air and lands directly on his spine. Dave, are there windows? No, there is a giant set of doors leading out. There is a courtyard fountain in the middle and there are archways leading to the

left and right. Well, I'm having a lot of success with doors today, so I'm going to head for the other door. It's one door. Should we go out bowing? Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. That's your act? There are people like the rich people, you hear like,

excuse me. Is that your entire act? That's just the warm up, there are people like the rich people like, you hear like, oh, excuse me. Yes. Is that your entire act? That's just the warm-up, baby. If you're like that, this other stuff is going to make you jizz your trousers. Excuse me, what? It's so orgasmic, this performance. It's a real erotic Cirque du Soleil. I don't like this at all.

Well, too bad. Make for me. I would say this is... I'm walking back. I'm walking away, as I say. I know, I bet you are. This is ballsy. I'm going to say this is a DC 17 deception check. What again?

An 11. 11 plus deception, 9. Oh, my God. All right. 11 plus 9 is 20. One of the figures dressed in the white inscrutable uniform that is, you know, recognisable across all dimensions as a military figure in a peaked cap and a powerful war coat

steps forward perplexed. Tumblers. Mamas. Weavers of stories. I am loving this accent. I don't know what it is. That doesn't happen often. But I like it.

Keep going. It's faltering. Last time I was at a secret charity auction, they had improvisers. They got me up, made me, they put their arms underneath me. I had them killed.

But that tumbling was a delight. Plenty more where that came from. Do you have cards or an agency? I put on a lot of military affairs and always looking for good, wholesome entertainment. We're in the directory of this place. As he does this, actually, he hands you a card. Yes, Admiral Janos Steyr.

I was just checking they spelled it right on my card. Is that S-T-Y-R? S-T-E-Y-E-R. Are you really stopping to check the spelling in this card? I just want to know that I get it right

when I call you and I speak to your secretary when I make sure that I... I like your hustle. Thank you. This is dragging on a little for Bastante. Yeah, this is not...

He's going over to check the canapes. All right. Yeah, Phil's just going to do that too. She got distracted bowing. Well, in that case... What's that?

Just looking at a spot on the carpet. Well, you are can... What's that? Just looking at a spot on the carpet. Well, you are canvassing for employment opportunities and you are heading towards the prosciutto-wrapped asparagus. Yes! The doors burst open and Califan emerges with four guards whose suppression malls have been holstered in favour of assault rifles and if anything, he seems slightly surprised

to see that you're still here. Dave, Dave, what's the role for throwing a canapé? Asparagus-wrapped... A prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, like, down his throat, so he's like... I want to try it, Dave. Are you saying you're delaying your action until he speaks? Yeah, as soon as I see him, I'm just going to throw asparagus down his throat. Can I ask just for the record? I want to try it to you saying you're delaying your action until he speaks. Yeah

I'm just gonna throw asparagus down. I asked just for the record. I'm gonna tell you this My suggestion is this you start what he says and if you see a perfect vowel sound you go now And that's when you throw it. Okay, great, and I will I will freeze So you get a sense of the aperture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll also do like a slow motion moment, I guess. Going to bullet time. And then if you, you know what, fuck it.

If you can throw the dice into Ben's mouth. All right. Real life Dungeons and Dragons. I guess that's D&D. Not that one. No, that one's our tape. No, that was our tape. Alright, here we go. Protect your teeth.

Yeah, great, here we go. Do you want me to... Do the voice. Ladies and gentlemen, I would... Fuck. You just say when you want to go into bullet time and then we'll slow things right down. Right, right. I would like to say that we have some intruders at our party and it would make...

You're terrified. Because he is! Security's been breached! If everybody could remain calm and see... Now. Oh. Without missing a beat, Califan grabs a soggy asparagus and keeps going. As you know, this was a party that I put on to take full responsibility for this breach.

Now, if you would just do me the honour of grabbing this person, this person, this person, and this person. And with that, his guards start fanning out into the crowd, searching for you. I'm going to cast Gaseous Form. Yeah, sure, your spellbook was in the trunk. Yeah, and I am going to fuck right off. Ah, like a hero.

Friezoiso you vanish even as Phil turns to look to you to say what are we going to do you vanish oh these canapes smell like corn

that's a deep cut and then yeah Friso's gonna make his way towards the doors in gaseous form and as we discussed he doesn't need to

strip down naked because his clothes never has we never made you do that. That was always voluntary. Made it very clear you did not have to do that. Everything he has with him, including the magical orb turn. Is it magical, Dave?

You can't trick me. You can't trick me. Is it magical? Do you think in this world they just love non-magical orbs? They just go bloody gaga for them? It's a fucking swarovski world. Hand back the lance. For now I will show you my Pokemon collection.

Yes, I'm going to gash this woman and hightail it towards the door. You race towards the door. Where did he go? Okay, you slip behind the door

and while the guards are continuing to search for all of you. I'm just going to book it through the crowd like ducking and weaving through people's legs. Make a stealth check for me.

That's a 19. 19, great. So you make your way to the door and soon you're up against the door. Charge it towards the crowd, like ducking and weaving through people's legs. Make a stealth check for me. That's a 19. 19, great. So you make your way to the door and soon you're up against the door. Charge it towards the door, gonna fly kick it. Bam! Forget stealth. That's a three. Yeah, you done rolled a three. You accidentally charge forward, knocking Steyr out of the way and he falls against

a table, against a trifle. He doesn't like that. And then you try to get towards the door but the crowd is too thick and someone starts yelling, he's over here! And two of the guards spin around and train their sights on you. What are you doing, Filge?

I pick up the table and I pour as many canapes as I can into my mouth. That's the first part of my action. Sorry, does that include the asparagus ones? Yeah. So that makes a note that your wee smells weird. Okay.

So, sorry. What else that kind of pays are there? Cucumber sandwiches maybe? There's some cucumber sandwiches. There's some prosciutto. Are those the little smoked salmon? Oh, and there's some alien bullshit too. Oh, it's spiky crap.

It's spiky crap on a Jets. Yeah. All right. Oh, what's this? Oh, it's pure light on a, next to an olive. Pure light on an olive? Yeah. Filling.

It's great because it's zero carbs. All right, yeah. filling it's great because it's zero carbs and then I charge towards the door but using the table clear the way that's great all right make for me table is a human shield you know you just never wielded an actual shield that's inanimate I want to build you to. Do you have any of them things that humans buy? Maybe left limbs. Probably easier. Me don't know.

Yeah, that's what I do. Do you have any of them shirts to block arrows? Like strapping person to chest but chain? Me should be an inventor. So just to be clear, you're also running away from Bastogne, heading towards the door.

Yeah. All right, make for me a strength check. This is just a... They're all wimps, so DC 12. Yep, 17. With the door, you push them away, and you make it up to where Bobby is, and you're both at the door.

Bastogne, at this moment, the two of them emerge and they're holding guns right at you. Like gun guns? Yeah, assault rifles. Could I kick both the guns out of their hands? But maybe they shoot space bullshit. So are we in space? Are we in space?

Did Ben give it away? No, maybe they're like alien crap. And one of them says through his helmet, drop your weapon, scum. Can I... Oh, I haven't drawn my swords yet. No. Inadvisably.

Can I, like, fake them out and, like, put my hands up but then kick them still? I think that's got to be with disadvantage, if I'm honest. Yeah, I mean, also, all I've seen you do is kick so far. Yeah, so, aha, I will put my hands up and then punch them. And they all switcheroo. They're like, knock their heads together, kind of knock their heads together, Dave. You need to choose one.

Is it physically possible to punch someone and kick someone with both hands and feet at the same time? Absolutely. I'm going to try it right now. Make an attack for me. So what, like, you sort of fold yourself in half. Into a C. And then you go, hi-yah! It looks like a kind of thing that Liu Kang would do in Mortal Kombat.

I wanna dump their heads together and run. AC 13, beat it. Oh god. I broke the tower. Okay, I'll just... Oh god, no way. I'll use this big dice here. Ten? Ten will do it. All right.

That'll be AC 13. So, okay, you hit their heads together, and for a second they clonk, and you have a second to run. I want to run. I've got speed 40, Dave. I'm super fast. Why do you have speed? Because I'm a second-level monk now.

I get plus ten speed. Oh, so you gave him those roller skates. Great. All right, you race towards the door as you all make your way to the door. Now, Frieza, you have burst through the door and you actually, at the end of this door,

you see what looks to be some kind of security station. There are guards, two of them. I'm just going to... Let me just... I'm holding rifles

standing in the corner and there is a technician in a white body glove who is standing monitoring a huge sort of stone console that has hovering over it images of different rooms in the castle.

And it seems to be some kind of magical security console. Right. And is there another door on the other side that I'm going to try and get to? There is, yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to waft on through. So I guess as you pass one of the guards, they notice the overpowering smell of corn. Yep.

And you waft on through. You guys are up against the doors and you can just see this room. You have a very short amount of time to act because those guards will be here very shortly. I'm just going to book it through. I'm just going to run. Yeah, get through those doors.

Burst through the doors. All right, the two guards and the technician spin around. I told you, stop eating your lunch in the room. You can bring corn. Oh, you're not eating. Oh, hello! Who is that? That was a guard

talking to the other guard because he smelt corn and he thought that he was eating I'm playing 12 dimensional chess with these characters. Oh, he's like, oh, Are you guys eating corn in here? Who are you? No one's meant to be in here, just me and Tim I'm the corn police

There's no such thing There is a duke here who has terrible allergies If there's any corn within a 20 metre radius of him He could His throat would close up and he'd die And then an entire planet Probably will be leaderless and probably go into war.

You want that on your mind? I'm so suspect. I know. Tim, I know, Tim, you have your doubts. So this is definitely hard. So this is a DC 20 deception check. However, you've mentioned you've hit a lot of points that are roughly true about this event.

So I'll give you advantage and I say roughly loosely. So advantage, but you have to get DC 20. Loose and rough. Rough but loose. Five. 20! Good sack. The corn... If it's not you guys, it's probably someone on the other side of this door.

Excuse me. I book it. Oh, man. You know when to go. I've got a corn containment officer coming through as well, so just let him pass. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Very good. Can I say, in this character's defence, I've got a corn containment officer coming through as well, so just let him pass. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Very good. Can I say, in this character's defence, that we won't see this, but at the end of his shift, like four hours from now, he will be walking to his car, and he'll be like, wait a minute.

There's no corn, Duke. Yeah. But for now, right this way. So Dave, we've come off the big ballroom place into this little security room. Annex, yep. Can I close the doors behind us and bar the doors or something? You can, but Tim's going to wonder what's up.

I definitely don't want to do that. I definitely don't. I was thinking about that, but that corn story went so well. Is Baston going to just try and help the corn story? Baston freezes for a second and goes, Mmm, goodbye. And follows Bobby, that's all. He rolled a natural 20, I don't know what to tell you.

Okay, you guys make your way into the next room. Is Phil going to come through as well? Are you coming through? Yeah, but I've still got the table. Well, that needs to be explained. All right. Me, the corn. You've heard none of this.

What? I've heard none of it? No, no, you came in when Bobby came in. Oh, sorry, of course. Yes, me, the corn coroner. Once we find this man or the corn, we're going to do a full inspection of the body on this table. Be the corn coroner.

You guys have made your way through the door. Filch, make what I would describe as an unnecessary deception check. What do I need to get? I'll say I will be nice and say that this is 15 because he's been fooled. Oh, well, how do you do? And I keep walking. I got an eight. All right, so as you walk towards the door,

he suddenly starts to twig and he slings his gun and holds up his hand. Now, I believe you're the corn police, but the corn coroner. Just one second, madam. And points at you and he says, drop the table. Drop it. Okay, and then I swing it at his face. Not like that! Quickly make a strength check.

Yep, that's 14. I like how you said, yep, that's 14. Imagine playing that trick on you for two seasons now. Yep, that's a two, great. Nailed it. You miss him, but you still have time to race through the door,

but he starts calling guards, guards, guards, and more guards pour in as you race into the next room. Freezo. So can he say to those guards, he's like, now look, there's a lady in there who says she's a corn coroner, and I don't want you to embarrass me in front of the corn police. Someone needs to tell the corn police that someone's impersonating the corn coroner.

I mean, that's the logic of the roles. You race into the next... This room opens up into a narrow courtyard, a plaza of sorts where there are vine-twisted columns, and for the first time you can see the outside landscape, which seems to be on fire, a horizon of dark stacks, twisted sort of tornadoes that spin with fire in the centre,

and monolithic ziggurats of brass that protrude throughout the landscape like ugly boils, and you realise that you are far away from home. However, this is not too much time to appreciate local architecture because as you race into that corridor you see balconies above you

lined with guards talking into what seem to be kind of microbeads in their ears and two of them holstered... Microbeads? Microbeads. Beads. No, I said... Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

No, they're microbeads. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. That's a weird one. All of them unholster their guns. Do you have any? Even the microbeads? Yes. If the bee shoots the gun, does it die?

Yeah. It's connected to it. They point. All of them are above you. They have the benefit of the terrain. They have the benefit of knowing their location. And as one of them calls out a symbol in a voice, guttural and strange in a language you do not recognise, a portcullis. Bonjour.

It's not that. Leading out to freedom and possibly salvation, slams shut as a portcullis drops. You are trapped in this courtyard. Oh. I run up against the wall so that I'm under the balconies that are protruding over the floor. You can hide behind a balcony.

One of the sort of, yes, I said the columns. Can I climb up an ivy column and try and get some height? Well, they just go up to the roof, but... But then can I jump onto a balcony from there? What's the portcullis situation? Yeah, make an athletics check for me. Can we climb? Is the portcullis got a bit that we could eventually climb over?

Like, what's the... I got 16 plus my athletics, which is seven. Yes. I know what's going on. This is a caper, which is seven. Yes. I know what's going on. This is a caper. This is he talks, you roll. Everyone's... Okay, so yeah, you...

I'll take you for everything you're worth, Harman. Phil, you start to climb up a pillar. Can I borrow $50? No. Oh, I guess. You hide behind a column. Eden. Dave, so the portcullis slam down, right?

But we're inside the castle Yes, no, you're inside the final courtyard By the doors of the castle Which have slammed shut To get outside But there must be a room where the portcullis I go up the stairs Is there an upstairs?

Sorry, I can't hear you over the final countdown. Yeah, yeah. Is there an upstairs bit to get the portcullis over? No, that's the thing. You're trapped in this courtyard. I don't want to be, Dave. Okay, trapped in a moment of your own indecision. I have to agree with Eden.

He's pretty spot on there. What are you doing? Is this portcullis airtight? No, it's not, but you would be leaving your friends to die. Just waft on by. Filch, let's lift up the portcullis. I'm already up here. You want me to come down again?

Trapped in the courtyard with the guards training their guns on you. The doors behind that you came through burst through and Califan arrives and he says, those with business unfinished business with the Charcoal Bazaar do not leave until such business is concluded. And two more guards flank him. There are now eight guards

pointing guns at you. Zoranda! Surrender. This is your last chance. Bluff check, Dave? Huh? Yeah, DC 30. Okay. Got a one anyway. One.

Bastogne, are you saying he thinks you're surrendering? No, you're not getting this. Fuck. Suddenly, something happens to all of you. Underneath your jumpsuits, you suddenly see a glowing, pulsing light coming from your wrists and a sort of vibration happening as a chime begins to chime. Can I look at this thing? What is it? Pulling back your jumpsuit sleeve,

you see what seems to be a bracer of crystal that is entirely enveloping your wrist all the way to your elbow and in the centre of it is a ruby crystal heart that is bright red and buzzing and it's protruding out. Like a button? Like a button. Oh, press that button. You press that button.

Oh, no. And you hear a voice. This is how we got the neck sacks. Hello, yes, Logan here. Oh, you don't know who I am. Oh, that's right. Anyway, look, you've got some buttons on your wrist there you should see. Everybody?

Yes, yes. Where's this noise coming from? Our wrists? Our wrists. A tinny voice in your wrists. Can I get a yes? Sorry, can I get a yes? Yes.

Yes. Can I get a button? Yeah, press the button. At the same time. The telephone looks uncertain. He's like, what are you doing? Put your hands down. Count us in.

Push the button, guys. One, two, three, go. Push. Push. You push the buttons and all of you disappear into light and shapes and the city of brass flies away from you. What about Freezer? Freezer was gas.

I was corn gas. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I just like one grim voice one solitary voice a voice of honour against evil who pays attention to facts who

stands up in his chair and says what about Friso you know what voice that's a great question and we will come back to Freezo, who is lost in the city of brass. Meanwhile... Meanwhile...

Oh, boy. Not in the city of brass. Flying through space. All right. Okay, so the room swims back into focus and your stomach flips and churns for the second time of the day as the three of you find yourselves on a deck of polished marble dominated by a giant expanse of polished crystal.

Wall to ceiling, back to wall again. Beyond the crystal is the inky blackness of space, though a steady stream of points of light and movement refract across the crystal is the inky blackness of space, though a steady stream of points of light and movement refract across the crystal into technicolor splendor. This would be beautiful if it wasn't for the fact that the nausea is making you all want to vomit all over your pants. Otherwise, the room is spartan, almost religious. A shallow circular pool surrounds what seems to be a central dais on which are three chrome chairs molded into the platform. Jumping from them are lithics, display screens and panels of controls and sparkling buttons.

At the center of the dais is a giant gleaming silver throne with two glowing orbs built into the armrests. glowing orbs built into the armrests, the light above you in the canopy forms and reforms into a face that is both different and yet all too familiar. Hi guys. Yes. Oh, sorry. Yes. This is quite funny. You don't know who I am.

Anyway, let me just get those memories back for you. Just a quick... Where's Freezo? He's corn. Oh man. you just a quick where's free zone he's corn right let me just try it freezer can you hear me oh yeah oh can I dare okay you hear a teeny voice have I I guess after 10 minutes I rematerialize but I've gone I went through the port colors yeah you guys you're just wandering the streets of the city of brass invisible

and then your wrist starts to glow and vibrate So you left the party behind It's good to know that you remembered you're a coward Just a little memory loss joke there Hang tight You should see a little button on joke there. All right, just hang tight. You should see a little button on your arm.

Yep. Push that bad boy. Yep, pressing it right now. All right. All right, now, Friso materialises and immediately vomits all over his pants. Come on, let me do a constitution check. Make a constitution check.

DC, 15. Oh, that's a six. All right. Sometimes the DM just knows. So, oh, check out Puky Petey over here. Anyway, everybody stand still while I put your memories back in. It's just going to take a second. It's a lot easier if you stand still.

And then there's a pause. How still is everybody being? Pretty still. But I'm getting fidgety. Yeah, me feeling a bit, me getting a bit bored. Look, I don't think the stillness actually is a problem. Look, just talking amongst yourselves, don't press anything. And it cuts off.

So you have a second by yourself as the face disappears in the canopy and you find yourselves again in this crystal room with a giant dome crystal sphere with the blackness of space beyond. So I think Friso wants to sit on the throne. Alright, this throne is calling to you? Yeah, I feel like if Friso sees a throne, he's

going to want to sit on the throne. You sit on the throne. There are two as I said, purple iridescent orbs built into the armrests. They're the same, not shape, because all orbs are into the armrest. Are they the same, not shape because all orbs are the same shape, but are they the same kind of construction as the orb I have? No, they're not and they seem to be filled with a

dark rolling purple smoke. Ooh, I might do an Arcana check. I think that's an automatic. That's an automatic. It's a 5 plus Arcana, so whatever it was. For ten? You still have detect magic as a spell, don't forget.

I do. Maybe I'll do that. I'll use my second spell slot to cast detect magic. All right, you cast detect magic. The throne has an incredibly powerful, it's a transmutation effect. It feels like it has locomotive force. But it also comes... Like a train?

But it's strange because it also has a feeling of divination astral magic. So it seems to... No, it's a magic train. Like the Polar Express. Maybe, maybe. If you sit in this chair, you look really weird. But you also get the sense that it can be controlled by placing your palms on the two orbs.

I was going to suggest that. Do we want to go for a ride? Let's go for a ride. He literally said, don't move. No, he said talk amongst yourselves. Yeah, he said explore the space and get your train. Look, if you're not going to sit down, I'm going to sit down. Yeah, me getting orby.

Me one. All right, I'm going to... Dave, I'm going to put my hands on the smoke. Toot, toot. Purple smoke orbs. Okay, all right, cool. All right, I'm jumping forward. Then...

So, Freezo... What did you think was going to happen? Yeah, you got it? Friso, you're placing your hands on the two crystals. They burst into iridescent flame and suddenly you sit bolt upright in the chair as your head seems magnetized to the back seat. As you snap upright, your eyes glow white

and you piss yourself. Let me do a roll. That's a nat 20, Dave. You piss yourself really well. You didn't think you had any wee left, but you did. And as you do that, suddenly the face crystallises again and it's panicked and terrified.

God, what did you say? I told you not to touch it! An ethereal voice starts to chime as klaxons begin to wail. Translocation in effect in T-minus one minute. OK, guys. Memories, please. I don't really have time for giving you your memories back, so we're going to have to run through this very, very quickly. Navigator, freeze officer, you're where you should

be in a little bit of time, but that's fine. Science officer Indurovich, I need you to take the lance. Who has the lance? The thing you stole! Oh, yeah, I got that. Wasn't that an orb?

You can't talk. Oh! Oh, he's pissed himself very well. Oh. Woo-hoo! Quickly, T-minus 45 seconds. I grab the bowl from Friso's pissy pants. As you do, as you do... You take the urine-covered orb?

Yes. As you do, a you do. You take the urine-covered orb? Yes. As you do, a slender corkscrew pedestal emerges out of the centre of the dais, and there's sort of a beacon of light at the top of it. So, Officer Andreevich, please put the lance in the thing. T minus 30 seconds. I put it in the thing. Very gently, you place it in, and it's suspended inside this field, and suddenly the entire throne that Hing is in glows a brilliant red and pulses outwards.

You all feel something as if a great energy whooshes through you and across the entire platform. Lieutenant Pancakes, as per your plan, we're going to make the jump into wild space. T-minus 15 seconds. What's Bilge's job? And captain, on your command. Oh, baby. Toot bloody toot. Go on.

That's good enough. And translocation in effect and the room crystallises. Tessellates reflect, reflect and explodes as the dragon friends burst out of this plane, burst out beyond the cradle of the nine known worlds, the city of brass behind them, the forces of the Primarian Guard disarrayed but swearing vengeance

as they burst into wild space, that undiscovered country, that last frontier, that place where things that once were still are but aren't on maps and on the beginning of a plan that began six months ago back when they still had memories begins for the dragon friends are on a path of their own making an odyssey of their own devising a way home to Faerun

a land that does not begin Johnny PlayStation has given you a vehicle your hearts have given you a vehicle. Your hearts have given you courage. Your stupid bravery has given you the lance that will burst through the cradle and deliver you to this world. Will you survive? Can the dragon friends learn how to pilot this new vehicle? Will things stop betraying them?

And can they stop pressing buttons before it's due? For the answers to questions such as these, tune in to the second episode of season four of Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Michael Hing and Simon Bryant. The show's DM'd by David Harmon and NPC voices by me, Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website and the episode was edited by Beth McMullen and recorded at Giant Dwarf Theatre, Sydney.

This season's theme was composed by Oliver Cameron and our musical guest this episode was Angela Voipierre on the goddamn cello.