Dragon Friends - #4.02. The Big Boys of Junkerton

Episode Date: March 8, 2018

The Heart of Glass; Johnny's parting gift and a vessel capable of piercing the border ethereal and delivering the Dragon Friends to the wild spaces beyond the Nine Known Worlds and maybe even home... if they can just work out how to pilot it. It's a brand new season with new challenges and opportunities and a new special guest: Demi Lardner! This episode features the unnecessarily highbrow contributions of cellist Ange Lavoipierre who is a very good sport indeed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Ear Jockeys! Just a note that if you live in Sydney and have dreams of upgrading your Dragon Friends experience all the way to Face Jockey, we do live recordings of the podcast every month at the Giant Dwarf Theatre. Our next recording is on March 13 and you can buy tickets on our website. Here's the show! In the inky blackness of wild space sits a vessel of crystal and chrome, a creation of that late great genius Johnny PlayStation capable of piercing the phlogiston between worlds and finding pathways between the planes themselves. Inside that vehicle are four stalwart friends known as the Dragon

Bat. And as wayward sons and daughters of a distant home, they want to find that way back. So six months of planning have led to this, a daring heist in the city of Brass. No doubt the charcoal bazaar will not forget this impertinence, and yet now in your hands you have the lance, that most auspicious of devices capable of breaking even the Shard Treaty set up by the Council of the Nine Known Worlds. I'm just going to talk so quickly you can't write it down, Alex. Just go with it.

He's a lantern orb. Are these people in a shark bazaar? And capable of delivering you into the dark heart of wild space, those terrible planes impossible to contemplate. Now the dragon friends find themselves in a world such as this, hurtling through the atmosphere, even as the voice of Logan, the artificial cyber consciousness of their vessel

speaks calmly to them. Hey, Dave. Hey, Dave. Have you heard the theme song for the Shark Bazaar? The Shark-o-Bazaar? Did you hear Shark Bazaar? Yeah, the Shark Bazaar. I heard Shark Bazaar. Shark Bazaar. Shark Bazaar. Shark Bazaar.

It sounds like How Bazaar, which is a song that was popular in like 1997. You know what I love? It's your references to contemporary music which really make you a top-notch comedian, Michael. Thank you. Yes. Former Triple J host Michael Bing. That's really what it is. If you want to make it on Twitch, reference a song that was not popular in 1990.

The calming voice of Logan speaks out. Okay, everyone, that's jump complete. Well done on the jump. Where have we jumped to? Sorry, I've got the checklist to go through, so don't interrupt. I'm the captain. Yes, no, you are, yes, but as you instructed me some time ago,

we go through a checklist at the end of every jump. Doesn't sound like me. So how is it? All right, do it, but make it fun. Yes. You have instructed me to do this many times. So, yeah, the fun version. Do it the way that I like,

the fun way that I've told you to do it in the past. So, who here is conscious? Clap your hands, say yeah. Yeah! See, that's a bit of fun. There you go. One struck off the list. Two, who here either wet or pooed themselves as a result of the jump?

Clap your hands, say yeah. I fucking nailed it is what I did. Yeah, Freezo did good piss. You pooed yourself very well. I weep myself very well, but I weep myself and the only, it's just leaked out of my jumpsuit and it's just the letter F. That's what the

shadow of the wee looks like. Did you take the entire interval, two weeks in podcast time to work out that the way of pissing yourself in a natural 20 is to piss your own name into your pants. So you could become the Zorro of piss. And if I'm not very much mistaken, five minutes in, we have our episode title.

I just want to say, if I can stop for a second, I know we haven't gone very far in this episode, but there's something so great. Three years into doing this show, that we can make that joke backed up by cello. Yeah. Very true.

It's art if there's a cello. The rest of the checklist, a science officer, Baston. Hello? Can we get a reading on our court? Well, we can't really. I just want to know, just to clarify, what you mean by science. What do you mean?

What do you... Like, very good looking? Don't forget that Baston is traditionally a Barovian villager. It's so suspicious. So you're saying this Barovian villager doesn't know the scientific method, Dave? He doesn't know about testing a hypothesis? Captain Filch, if I may suggest something to you. We have to re-engage the charges right now, very soon.

So we're going to need to deploy the crew out of the ship, as you know. Can we please make a check? All of you. Wait. You need us to get off the ship so you can charge it? Oh, my God. Okay. Look, it was meant to happen that you'd get back and get your memories

and I wouldn't have to explain... The point is, every time we jump... He seems, by the way, really put out that you've all lost your memories. Like, he's quite judgmental about it. There was a thing that I may have mentioned... Well, you went away, didn't you, Logan? What? You went away and you left time for Frieza to go

and put his little greasy hands all over the throne. That's actually not the problem, I don't think. As I said to Navigator Frisofferson before you... I love that that's his surname. It's canon. Before you advocated the mind wipe, I said that there

was a danger, a small danger perhaps, that recovery would be difficult. Now, look, the fact is once we jump, we need to recharge the ship. No living being can be on board at the time, so I'm going to need to set you down in a planet that can sustain life. Like a milkshake planet? Like a what? Like a milkshake planet?

I'd like a milkshake while we charge the ship. The atmosphere and the cloud, as you burst through the cloud cover of the atmosphere, you suddenly find yourself skiing over the low-level atmosphere of a strange new world, which seems desert-like, barren, desolate, but also with strange structures dotted around, floating, it seems, in the air. Okay, so Phil just put in a preference for a milkshake planet. Anybody else? I wouldn't say no. Rod?

Yeah. I mean, is there a non-dairy option? I'm sure there'll be a non-dairy option. Just because, you know, I've already pissed myself. I don't want to, you know... Bobby? Yeah, I'm game. Look, the fact of the matter is I'm reading life to, you know. Bobby? Yeah, I'm game.

Look, the fact of the matter is I'm reading life signs on this planet. Breathable air, an atmosphere that can tolerate, you know, that can be tolerated by you and maybe tolerate you. Again, it took you a while to work out my unique sense of humour, so when it comes back, you'll see that's it. Do we like each other, Logan? We are very good friends. What are you? Yeah.

Where is your body? And what is me? Okay. Also, is my name Friso Frisofferson? Is that? Have I put that? Oh, we made that canon when he wasn't here. Oh, yeah, we made a canon when he wasn't here.

Oh, that's when we put the piercing in your dick. No, that's... No, nipples. Nipples, nipples. Nipples, nipples. Nipples. Oh, man. To answer your questions, some of them in a different order, my name is Logan.

I am the... No, I got it. I got it. I am the Logistics Operations Guidance and Navigation System. Fuck yeah! Wait, so your name is Logans? Logans. And in logistics, so it should be

Logans. No, once again... Logans. The best bit is Ben made that name and he was really proud of it. Go on, Logians. I really dislike having to do this again. You bullied me for a month. Anyway, I am the AI of the ship

The ship that you're on is The Heart of Glass As science officer I'm just going to backtrack a little bit to AI Once again If you For now I'll say it means artificial intelligence, but... Of course, they've lost all their memories,

so they're making all these jokes for the second time. Guys, guys. I think I understand. He's a bee. Ah. Hello, bee. Hello, bee. Hello, bee.

So, basically, as Johnny PlayStation died and became a god, he dreamed the heart of glass into being and in turn me. You are now on this ship. It's yours. What do we do? What do you mean, what do you do? Just generally day-to-day but also long-term. Well, until recently you explored the nine known universes

until we found the lance that could pierce the cradle. Not the cradle. No, the cradle. Yeah, very good. Who were you just talking to then? AI is confusing. You stowed someone away on this ship. No, it's a bunch of ones.

Me not going to pay them. Yeah, so he goes on to say that the, so you had, you were given the heart of glass by Johnny, a vehicle that he hoped could take you home. However, much has changed in the multiverses that make up the planes. There are nine known planes, of course. That heart of celestial government everywhere from the blessed fields of Elysium to the dark, deep caverns of the abyss that make up the known multiverse.

Your vessel can travel further thanks to a device you stole from the Sharkle Bazaar, quite brazenly known as the lance, which can pierce that meniscus that separates the known from the unknown that takes you from these worlds out into wild space. Your ship, therefore, is one of a kind, and this world you now find yourselves in is a world that has not been discovered.

Undiscovered country, if you will. Um, Dave? Yes? Freezers, just going to do a quick perception check. Go on. Cool. You're older than 18 and he finds

just go with me on this he looks around and he sees sort of a little plaque with logistics well hang on you can't make up

no no hear the man out hear me out there's logistics and you know the logins kind of I'd like to see

where this is going and then there's a there's a small there's a small there's a small plaque underneath that that just says, it's on separate words, it just says psychic, artificial ultrasonic lamp and if you read it down it just says

Logan Paul. Anyway, sorry, that's fine. That's actually... That's what you were working away on. That was my little acrostic poem I was doing here for about six minutes. Actually, I don't think we ever made it up because we didn't have a joke for it, but we wrote this a day after New Year, and that might be where we got the name from. No, it was.

The idea that, like, Johnny made this ship. A copy of a copy of a tween influencer, which is Logan Paul. It was a little joke for me and Ben. Yeah. And now it's a joke everyone gets. And maybe it could have been the finale reveal. Who knows? What a special guest.

So you all... I should also point out at this point that you are able to reclaim your gear and in fact I have created for you at the beginning of this season level six character sheets for you all leveled up after besting Freeside Boss Saito

and the evil, hideous, demented, deformed, decrepit, corrupt, filthy Michael Hing. So... I miss that guy. You've taken an extra level of Monk. Congratulations with the extra speed and Kai points. Yep. Kai? Ki? Are we going with Ki?

Ki. I think we're going with Ki. Alright, great. Level 6, Rogue. Congratulations. Level 5, Barbarian. 5 Barbarian, 1 Wizard. Kai, Ki? Are we going with Ki? Ki. I think we're going with Ki. Level 6 Rogue, congratulations. Level 5 Barbarian. 5 Barbarian, 1 Wizard. Hing, you now have the Dark One's own luck. So that's just a little bit of fun for everybody. And at that moment, as the vehicle

bursts, heading towards the ground, it flies past what seems to be a giant castle suspended in the sky and skirts over the horizon. At that point, all of the bracelets, the crystal braces that you're wearing, the hearts drain out to nothingness and they start to contract in pain. Hey, g'day, guys. The Podruska Drive's got to fire up, as we've said.

We had a thing. Anyway, point is, you've got to get out, as we've said. We had a thing. Anyway, point is, you've got to get out. So, one, two, three, bye! And you dematerialise and materialise an unnecessary distance above the ground, falling and hurting yourselves. Ow. I'm going to roll to land like a cat. I do not land like a cat.

All right, Bobby, you land on Friso. Friso, lose D6 hit points. I rolled to see if I could dodge and rolled a one. I'm sorry, I'm picking on you today, Hank. I then rolled my hit points and I rolled a one. Swings and roundabouts.

So, finding yourselves on a strange land, you pick yourselves up this is a desert it seems a desolate frontier you can see a small

shanty town about an hour's walk away from you otherwise there is nothing but desert around to the north

to the east to the south strangers still however above you for you can see beyond a blinking shiny light that you presume

is your ship miles above you you also see beyond a blinking shiny light that you presume is your ship miles above you, you also see a giant castle suspended in the sky, lilting slightly to the left in a way that looks unsafe, hovering directly above that shantytown. There's a castle in the sky. Above a shantytown. Beyond our ship.

Your ship is now gone. What does our ship look like? You couldn't see it. It's just a point of light now. You've never seen it from the outside. Have we been in a desert before? I guess we were in the Australian desert. Yeah, we were in Australia.

So we're not freaked out by that. So let's pack a kangaroo with dynamite and get on our way. Let's go see if the shantytown sells milkshakes. It's a good idea, isn't it? All right, so making your way to the shantytown, it is hot and you all become a little bit parched and you soon make your way into, like I said, a small town, one strip, a one-horse town.

In fact, there is one horse. Hi, horse. Hello. That talks, I guess. I go and give it a pat between the ears. Oh, that's real nice. Can go and give it a pat between the ears. That's real nice. Can we ask the horse a maths question? Go on.

This is my fault. Go ahead. What's 17 minus 3? Does Ben know this? No. It's all right, Ben. We're just going to get you some juice and peanut butter and then we'll comp it over you Fourteen

Don't Cheerio The horse The horse is tied The horse is tied up Outside what seems to be A saloon that you recognise Well not that you recognise The shape of a saloon.

There's a... Can we enter the saloon? Yes! Is there some jaunty... Does it have a sign that says saloon? Yes! Is that how I recognise it's a saloon? Hey, Baston, do you want to go first?

Yeah, sure. I believe these doors need a kicking. Kick! All right, inside the door. Are they swingy doors? They hit you in the face. No, they... Let him roll.

Let him roll. Let me roll. Don't try and dodge the door. Let me roll. DC 10, 11. Yeah, I passed. All right, you just gradually... You saved your shame.

You make your way inside the saloon, and there is a small table of three goblins having an animated conversation. There is a lone goblin polishing a filthy bar with a filthier rag and there is another goblin sitting in the corner nursing a drink buried in a pile of parchments and notes. To bully the nerd or not bully the nerd.

I go up to the bar. Alright, at the bar polishing it, you see a, as I said, a goblin. A filthy goblin. What do you think of my bar? You sell milkshakes or what? Yeah, we sell milkshakes. What kind of milk? Yeah, well.

Does it come from that horse outside? I've always said, You've met Nigel. Nigel? Yeah. I can't milk a horse, but I will tell you this. Don't ask where the milk comes from. That's what my papa used to say. I'm just going to do an arcana check to see if it's goblin milk.

That's an 8, Dave. Well, Dave... Dave, it's an 8. Dave, it's an 8. You don't know. You can't say for sure. But we'll have to order one and try it. Whether it's... But you have a suspicion it might be Goblin milk. Anyway, we've got milkshakes, caramel,

chocolate, vanilla. Is that space vanilla? Yeah. Okay. Are there any fruit, are there any sort of fruit flavours? Yes, straw. Jenny? You're getting excited about milkshakes. I heard somebody go, God.

Do you have any non-dairy options? Yeah, we've got a non-dairy option. Fuck off! All right, well, two caramel for me and Bobby and one chocolate for Buzz Dunn. I can't believe the hatred of vegans is literally intergalactic. This is so deeply unfair. With a practised ease.

He engages a filthy tube that looks glistening into six dusty, incredibly dusty, rusted milkshake glasses, pours them in and slings them down the bar to you and says, welcome to Junkerton. Junkerton. Junkerton. I think Friso's going to avoid the milkshakes on account of he will shit himself. So Friso's going to go talk to the goblin with the parchments

because maybe there are some spells there. All right. Friso, so you approach a filthy-looking goblin, and I say that filthy even by goblin standards. A goblin that, as you move closer, you realise is sort of wretched, wrapped in cords and bits of leather furiously scribbling notes on

one central parchment that seems to be a map of some kind. Alright, I ask them. What's that a map of there? You got little buddy? The goblin looks up at you fiercely and to play that goblin please welcome to the stage Demi Lardner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's up? Hello! Is this Demi's voice or the goblin's voice? Yes! Is this Demi's voice or the goblin's voice? Yes. Demi, welcome to Dragon Friends. Have you played D&D before? No. Cool.

All right. I gave you a little character sheet. It's true. You've got a little level one goblin alchemist. You've got that all there. You've got your little belt full of alchemist fire and acid vials. But you also have this map map which I gave you. Yes, I do.

Yes, great. So everything else you need? No. You want a drink? You want to sit down? Just maybe a hug. Get off me, nerd! I feel like Demi's understood the game already. Cool. So, um, what's your scribble on there, little fella?

That depends. Can I trust you? She's filthy. Hell yes. Have you noticed how filthy I am? Uh, oh, are you filthy? I hadn't noticed. You, oh, uh, no, I'm Freezo. Hello.

What you got there? It's a little map, is it? You turned into somebody's uncle? I think so. I think when I talk to Demi, it just becomes this tone. Becomes a vuncular? Oh, g'day, mate. You look like you're having a bloody... Yeah, that's a pretty fancy map there for you. You want to give us a look at that?

No, not particularly. Bastion comes over and goes... Yo! Get my front of the map! What are you doing? I was like, I'm new in town. We're in a saloon. It's time to stamp our authority on the map. What are you doing? I'm backing up. I was like, I'm new in town. We're in a saloon. It's time to stamp our authority on the situation.

I'm trying to be... What's that word? Assertive? Authoritative? Intimidating. Intimidating. The bartender starts laughing. He's like, that's Austin and her map.

Oh, yeah. I just find maps hilarious. Should we try and good cop, bad cop this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, listen there, matey. You better listen to my friend. He goes crazy sometimes. Tip over the table.

Make an intimidation check for me. You need to... Two. All right. Was your character... Oh, my finger! Oh, I got stuck! Oh!

Was your character called... Is Austin... Austin. Austin Powerful. Okay. That's very good. Yes, baby. Just feels like...

Correct infant. Cool, alright. The point is, they try to intimidate you and you're not impressed. No. Why did you poke my table? I was just trying a new thing out he will he visibly will I'm gonna go drink a milkshake oh it's terrible I passed on you're so intimidated that you walk back and you sit down with the

three goblins because she smells you wanna do you want to know what I look like to see whether whether you feel intimidated? Yeah, okay. Do we have the technology to put that on the screen? I drew a picture of that. Is she solely dressed in eye patches? It's just eye patches because she's poor, but eye patches are very cheap. And she's got a lot of eyes.

Wait, so are each of those eye patches covering an eye? I'll never tell. Yeah, Baston, you are so intimidated that stifling back a tear, you go over to try and make friends with the other three goblins, leaving Frisofferson with your new friend. We're new in this world and we're not really sure. We know we're in Junkerton, but what are you doing here? Look, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse unless you want to.

All right, well, I'm listening. Above this city there used to live a lot of, I call them big boys. They're real big boys. But as far as we can tell, they died out a long time ago. I'm a junker in these parts and I fire stuff in their castles, collect what comes out of them, see? And as she says that, you can actually hear a thump and out of the doors of the saloon you can see

catapults firing at the castle. An entire wing of masonry slumps. The castle lilts again and a few chests and barrels of goods, but also a lot of masonry rain down on Junkerton, destroying a few houses

while some goblins cheer and run to scavenge. So this is how you make... This is your life. You throw rocks at the castle, the castle deposits treasure. Yes. And then you scavenge that. And might I say, I am very bad at it. We're so used to...

We're so used to, in're so used to in this world meeting, like, the best hacker, the most genius architect, and now we've just met this quite shit Colin. Can I also say architect? Maybe. I don't know. Can I also say, Demi, as someone who started out this show doing a voice that I couldn't keep because it was too hard to do,

there's no shame. If your voice hurts too much and you can't keep doing it. No, I love it. I'm going to do it more. No, you've got a comedy festival coming up and I don't want you to not be able to talk because you've played a goblin in a Dungeons & Dragons show before you went to the Adelaide Festival.

Oh, my God, I just coughed up that frog in my throat. Hey! It's me, Austin! That voice seems equally difficult. I think I'm just going to fuck a different part of your throat. Like, no easy voices in your repertoire. Nothing but strain. All right, so what was the offer, though?

What? You did say you had an offer. Oh, yeah, I did. Your notes say saloon, map, howl, one, harness. Saloon map how one harness? Now listen. Saloon map how one harness? Write it down.

Slow down, buddy. And you're saying this is an offer I can't refuse. Unless you want to. I've got this map here that I won in probably a bar fight. I had a crew of buddies that were coming with me, but one of them grew extra bones. me, but one of them grew extra bones. And they're all pretty ride or die, so I'm on my own.

Filge at this point slides over and coolly slides her a milkshake. Can you do a quick dexterity check to see if you can catch the milkshake? Yes. It's easy. DC5. DC5, you have plus two.

Three or higher. You want a three or higher. I'm on this one. You don't get to put it down the way you want it. No, but put it in the little house. Put it in the house. That's a three. You rolled a three. It slides right past you.

And I yell the word three. And I punch the milkshake. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Phil introduces herself. Hello. Hello. Hi.

You seem like a pretty cool gobbo. Me, um, me Filch. Me captain of massive ship. No big deal. Not boasting about it. This me little mate. This little Friso. He's the captain of fucking shit up.

Wow. That's Lieutenant Bobby. Not sure his job. Me neither. Huh? Me neither. And that's our science officer, Baston. We thank you for your hospitality on your beautiful planet.

Wait, you just kissed Baston? I know he's very handsome. If you have a crush on him, that okay? Because we all have crush at one stage. It went off. You get to know him and then you're like, oh, I get it. It's like a beautiful door to nowhere. You open it up, peek inside, and you're like, oh.

All right, Austin Powerful goes on to tell you that she is a junker and that she is not a very good one, but that is because the other junkers do not understand her, for while they are content to lob stones at the castles, destroying their own houses in the process, she has worked out a new way to rob the big boys, as she calls them, of their riches. So what are these big boys you talk of? Big boys, we don't know too much about them, but...

What happened? Would that frog jump back in? Yeah. He's a tenacious little bugger. I've become a wine auntie. I've been spending a lot of time with Terry. The reason that we think the big boys used to be made is because a lot of large statues have fallen out of the castles.

What do they look like? Big boys. And she indicates outside... I flip open a pad and just write that down. She indicates outside the saloon, and for the first time you notice a shoulder and a head that you first thought was a fountain, but you now realise is

actually just a giant face locked in furious concentration. A statue, it seems, but just a big part of a statue. What does it look like? Like a big boy. Paint me a picture, Dave, goddammit!

Have you seen a boy? Yes. Bigger. Bigger. That's it. That's too big, stop. They are titans. What she is referring to in her feeble goblin way is titans. Ah, big boys.

Real big boys. But, yeah, so all of the titans in this world, the titans in this world were powerful magic users and they created castles in the sky and did war against each other until one cast a spell so powerful that it made them all turn to stone. Not a good spell, is it? This was a long time before the goblins of Junkerton arose and now with the castle's magic beginning to fail all over this world,

these castles are plummeting to the ground but while they still limp on, there are treasures to be had in them their halls. What keeps these castles in the sky? Wind. And was it always called Junkerton? Like the Titans build big fancy

planet and then just call it Junkerton? I think the town you're in is called Junkerton? Like the Titans build big fancy planet and then just call it Junkerton? I think the town you're in is called Junkerton. All right. What's this planet called? You know? You don't know. So how do we get up to the castle then? Well, what we usually do see as Junkers is fire rocks into the castles.

But what I propose is, what if we were rock? Filch, guys, go on. She indicates... This is Filch's ocean's lesson. Austin indicates for you to follow her through a filthy sheet into a secondary room. Oh. A second location.

Just passing through a filthy sheet, seems. I'll go through the sheet. I'm daring. You're very brave. Thank you. Oh. All right. So, how are we going to rob this castle?

Get in. Indicates behind the blanket. Get in, throw maker. Oh. Yeah, all right. Is the holding spoon, I guess, of the catapult, that's what we're getting in, right? Well, you go into a room and inside the room you can see what looks like a giant...

How did you jump from a sheet to a catapult? Inside, past the sheet, you see a giant space off to the side of this saloon. And inside that building with a huge hole cut in the centre of the roof is a giant cannon. A cannon? Yes. A cannon. Cannon. A cannon. Cannon. Cannon.

Cannon. Because I saw catapults before and that seems less explosive. The cannon, how do we... Austin. Yes. How do... I mean, cannons are combustion engines, right? She begins learning with black powder.

So how do we... If we get in this and you fire it and we're in there, how do we not burn? combustion engines, right? She begins loading it with black powder. So how do we... If we get in this and you fire it and we're in there, how do we not burn? It's perfectly safe. You done this before? Yes. There's small steps leading up to the mouth of the cannon.

Fuck it. New you, new me. I'm getting in the cannon. As you get to the top of the cannon, you see a small iron capsule, like a large coffin. And just at that moment, Bobby thinks to himself, does Frieza remember he can fly? I'm sure if it was important, he'd think of it himself. And keeps it to himself. I guess Frieza climbs in the capsule.

Don't worry, the capsule will keep you from being an explode. It is quite roomy for one person, and it would be sweaty, cramped and awful with a few more, but there is still space. All right. Hey, who loves being sweaty and cramped? Me. Me.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Made in God. Ah, Friso. Hello. Hi. Oh, it's very It's my dick.

He didn't. I didn't. That's cool. Yeah, no, that's mine too. Yeah, great. I guess we could have done back to back, but face to face is good. I guess. I'm not worried. Are you worried? No. Yeah, great. I guess we could have done back to back but face to face is good. I guess. I'm not worried. Are you worried? No. Cool? Cool. I feel like

you guys should kiss just to break the tension. Alright, just a little while. But before you kiss, the sparks fire and they're with a dull boom. The capsule is launched up into space and a vast, weird, mechanical magazine plunks another coffin into place.

Oh. You guys are up there. You guys are still down here. Yeah. Oh. Oh. All right. Well, they didn't die, it seems, yet.

So you're going to be rock, too? Am I be rock? I be rock too. Okay. Well, you're both little, me big, so we should all fit. Let's get in, guys. Oh, but you can fit too. Phil jumps in.

The three of you get in and you light the fuse before you go, I suppose. So we kiss to make it work? That's what Austin tells you. She gives Austin a kiss. Boom! And with a sonic boom, two capsules are fired into the big house and they burst into this side on your map,

into the side of the rock. Do we want to get Dice Cam up so we can show what Austin has for a map? And if you have a little look there, they burst in. Ben, do you want to point? Right in through this wall and you find yourselves as you emerge from, I have to say, a blistering hot capsule. You find yourselves in a room filled with giant barrels

with huge whole cows hung from hooks, mostly rotten and skeletal. What's this mark on your map? The big red arrow. This is where I think the treasure is. Sorry, it's where the what is? The treasure. So, I won this map a while ago.

And I think the fact that nobody's been up here means that we haven't gotten the most valuable possessions available. Ah-ha. So, I think if we make our way through the castle to this point marked on my map, we might find something valuable. Oh, me just remembered we were meant to just get a milkshake and wait for our ship to refuel. So we're just going to quickly have a little... Drag it all! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's going on? Why do we do this? I usually just do whatever is available. Yeah. Okay. Look, maybe we get some treasure, figure out what's going on. I think that the voice change that Austin just kind of did, it's probably quite worrying.

So Fraser's just going to do a quick Arcana check to see if he can realise if Austin is, I don't know, a demon of sorts? What does an Arcana check look like? It's amazing what he thinks that it can do. I will tell you

with 15, so you realise that there's ancient old magic holding this castle up. You... But I focus the check mostly on the gobbo. Oh, then I will say that this is a filthy, wretched goblin covered in eye patches and little else. Hello. Hello Alright, well Austin I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone but lead on if you guys are cool

Yeah, let's do it Creeping through the hallways, you find yourselves in a Creep, creep, creep A built in giant dimensions filled indeed with giant statues, all of their clothes mostly rotten off at this point. Some sitting in open courtyards and vestibules.

The main centre of the tower is in fact a giant open courtyard and you can see statues of titans sitting on low benches. One walking through grounds now overrun with weeds and brambles as you make your way towards the gate leading out of this courtyard and past a giant metal statue of a bull. Someone laughed in the audience.

Is it a trap? They can't help you. By law you have to tell us if you know it's a trap You have had Any of you are cops You've had one of these for three years You're on your own

But they're so heavy Alright Are we walking through the courtyard? Creep creep creep Yeah creep creep creep Alright so you guys are making your Creep, creep, creep? Yeah, creep, creep, creep. Alright, so you guys are making your way through? I creep, creep, creep with my new godboy friend.

Gonna get some treasure, gonna have that treasure. Creep, creep, creep with my little friend. We're gonna creep through and we'll be here to the end. Woo! be here to the end.

You make your way past the statue and soon doors lead off. One leading in front towards the X but also a door leading off to the side. To get past that X though however you will need to pass directly in front of the statue. Just going to do a quick arcana check. To get past that X, though, however, you will need to pass directly in front of the statue. Hmm.

Just going to do a quick arcana check. That's a 15 plus 5 is 20. What does it tell me? For 20, there is a transmutation effect on the statue. You can tell that something has turned this being to metal. Right. Or in some way locked it up. Locked it up. Friends, let me tell you this bull,

it's locked away so we are safe to pass. Great. Dave, where's the bull? It's right on the map. So if you go through these doorways here into the area, so if you go past and doorways here into the area, so if you go past and all the way towards the arrow,

it's in the centre of the archway leading in there. So you have to cross either to the left or the right of the bull. Can we fit underneath it? Yeah, it would be difficult, but you can awkwardly crawl. So it's not tall enough that we could walk underneath it? No. Okay. May I sit atop the bull?

Yep. So Austin sits atop the bull. Whee! Does the bull react at all? Can someone put 20 cents in the bull and see if it moves? Not at all. Not at all. Nothing happens?

Nothing. All right. Will I scurry to the left of the bull? And I to the right. Oh, both at the same time. Interesting. Alright, both of you. No! Make for me dexterity saving throws, DC

16. Yeah, yeah, I'm good at this. I'm real good at this. Three plus two is five. That's a 12 for you, Eden. Okay, both of you fail. No! There are clicks on both sides as both of you stand on trapped tiles. At that moment, the gorgon begins to move. A giant metal statue of a bull waking up slowly.

Waking up slowly? That's not what he said, and what's more, I think you know that. Now, all of you have seconds to act. However, you are still riding the bull. And sometimes when you ride the bull, you have to go where the bull is going. Chase the lightning, ride the bull. Alright, so the first one up is Bobby. So how slowly is it waking up?

Very quickly. He did So how slowly is it waking up? Very quickly. He did ask how slowly though. So it's stamping its feet, it's shaking its head and very soon... And is it the size of a regular earth bull? It is a large monstrosity. Wait, but that doesn't answer the question. Yeah, no. How many bulls is it?

Like how many burgers could it make? Oh, it's a little... How many... Like with its hooves many burgers could it make? Oh, it's a little... How many... Like with its hooves or like... Oh, I'm terrible at this. I can't... This is your first shift, all right? This is like...

For every 12 hours I have held... It's like three balls. Okay. Oh, that's big. So using my... In a trench coat trying to sneak into a movie? Sorry. Sorry, I'm done.

Using my halfling nibbleness, I'll run through its space to be at the rear end of the bull. Okay, so you run past the archway, and now you are behind the bull. Great. You can still act if you want. Does it have a regular... Is it a regular bull? It's got a regular bull?

Yeah, like with a regular butt. It steams, and out of its nostrils come a green gas. Oh. Can I block its nostrils? On your turn. Bobby. I'll just shoot it in the butt. Yeah, I'll just shoot it in the butt.

But is it made of metal? It's made of metal. It's very heavily armoured. There'll be an armour class. All right, quite quickly. Come on, Bobby. Okay, fine. I'll just like...

You're looking at it right in the butt. I'll just like... Sneak attack. It's just waking up. It doesn't say anything here, but does it have a bum hole? Well, it's... Yes. Because if it has nostrils, it has holes. So I'm just saying that maybe he should get bonuses if he hits it in a bum hole? Yes. Because if it has nostrils, it has holes

so I'm just saying that maybe he should get bonuses if he hits it in the bum hole. I get my immovable rod. Maybe you should like... Come on, roll the dice. That's a 20. Right in the bum hole. I get the immovable rod

and I... Guys, I've been listening to a lot of All Creatures Great and Small as an audiobook. So I insert the rod into the bull's anus, up to the button, and then I click the button to hold it in place. This is not what I signed up for. What a moment for our classically trained cellists to protest.

Look, Le Bois Pierre, we've got a fucking green room full of cellists just waiting. Roll the dice. Okay, congratulations. Two, three. You rolled a two, a one and a one. All right. You do seven points of jealous. She's just waiting. Roll the dice. Okay, congratulations. Two, three. You rolled a two, a one, and a one. Alright, you do seven points of damage, but by clicking the button suddenly the Gorgon is trapped I guess in space. You're a movable rod.

Wait, what? So the ball's instinct is to run backwards into the... No, I put it in at an angle. The ball's instinct is to run backwards into the... All right. No, I put it in at an angle. So, like, up. So if it's moving forward,

the upward angle of the insertion of the rod will prevent it from moving forward, after all, it's made of metal. It is still... Aren't you the science officer, Bess? Stop it! If I may... No, this sort of... Right? Stop it. If I may. No, this sort of... It's immovable.

It's immovable. It is still, however, controlling the space of the courtyard. But you have a moment to flee if you want. Let's get out of here. Yeah, we don't need no ball. You guys can run past it if you want. Come on, Austin. Are you finished your ride yet?

Oh, hang on. Yeah, you're on top of the angry bull. Yeah. Oh, just kidding. Good job. Me will catch you. Do you want to try and jump? Yeah, I want to jump.

All right, quickly make a jump check for me. That is just a dexterity check. Do you mind just grabbing that rod on the way down? I'll use this one. It's better jump? Yeah, I want to jump. All right, quickly make a jump check for me. That is just a dexterity check. Do you mind just grabbing that rod on the way down? I'll use this one. It's better. Oh, is that one? Yeah. All right.

Here I come. 18. You jump into Filge's waiting arms and the five of you race into the final... I get my rod back, right? No. What? Why not? It's a metal bull's bum hole.

I'm going to need another drink. As we go far. If you take it, he'll... Can someone get Andrew a drink for real, though? I would have thought with an 18 that I could slide down its back and yank it out. No. I did request. I would have thought that was true.

No, I'm afraid to say it. I would have thought as a guest and a woman. Dave, is there somewhere for us to escape to when we run away from the angry bull? You're running into the treasure room. Okay, and it has a door on it? No, you went... We've discussed this.

It's a courtyard. It's an archway. You run through. Let's look for treasure and then get the rod. Otherwise, we're going to have to deal with this angry bastard. Okay, so you race into what seems to be a room that once contained vast riches. However, it mostly is empty. There are a few tables, again, a titan size with huge chests that are locked above reach.

But there is also what seems to be a smaller door, almost human-sized, towards the end of the room. I want to go look at that door. At the centre of that door, you see a lock. I want to unlock that door. That's me. She's got a point.

You just have to knock three times on Dave's head and then he'll let you do it. That's how Dungeons and Dragons works. You don't have a key and it's locked. Okay. Maybe I can be of assistance. I've got some thieves tools here that I could unpick the lock with. Unless you've got something...

I have acid. Oh, yeah, you have a vial of acid. Can I make an acid on the door? Yeah, you can make an acid on the door. All right, so you destroy... Thank you. You use up one of your vials of acid. Yes.

But you melt down the lock, and it is still holding, but it's much weaker now. Great. I think... Wait. If this is a job for my foot, and I kick the door down. Did I?

An 11? Plus five. 16. Plus 16. 16 moderate. All right, congratulations. With the damage done by the acid, the door... Yeah!

Yeah! The door bursts off its hinges and you enter into a low room with a vaunted arched ceiling. In the centre of the room, dominating the space, is a giant Titan-sized helmet with a brilliant blue crystal sitting ensconced in the centre of its forehead. Does it look like the crystal powers the helmet

or is it just decorative? It looks... Sorry, I'll do an Arcana check, Dave. That's a 17 plus 5 is 22. It looks magical. Alright, so guys, don't remove the crystal from the helmet, I suspect. Oh, now you're being cautious about crystals. If I'd done an Arcana check on the original crystal, maybe I'd...

Heaven forbid we should put our hands on something that's plot heavy While you sit talking you hear a roar of pain and confusion from the next room It seems that the gorgon might be getting loose Alright, let's be quick and snappy about this What's the good treasure?

I'm going to run up and touch the crystal I'm going to high five it in its fucking face. Alright, great. So Austin, you run up and touch the crystal and the moment that you do it bonds with you and suddenly the helmet... I come. I see you've heard

our podcast before. You don't have notes for that. Oh no, it looks like it says Austin comes. Does she have to roll for how good a comedy? The helmet... That's a four, so, like, it kind of just passed me by. And the helmet shrinks down. And I go, what the fuck? My friends are going to make fun of me.

And the helmet... The helmet shrinks down until it is slightly larger than Goblin-sized. I want to put it on. OK, you're going to grab it and put it on? Yeah, my pants are full of cum. I need something to make me look good. All right, Austin, before any of you can act,

Austin grabs the helmet and puts it on. And there is suddenly a brilliant iridescent shimmer around her that envelops her, and then she disappears into light. Bye, I love you. Did she cum? You know what? I think I smelled goblin cum. I think it was that sort of acrid...

Anyway. Suddenly a red flashing light appears on your crystal braces. Alright. Okay, so the way the crystal braces work, my understanding is, whatever we're touching when we press the braces transports with us because, like, clothes do and stuff. So let's all grab the helmet and press the button. The helmet's gone.

The helmet's gone. Is there any more treasure in the room? No, no, just the helmet. Did my eye patches come with me? Oh, no. I just left a cummy eye patch behind We'll always remember you So do you want to mark one cum filled eye patch

In your inventory A new season is meant to be a new beginning Is there more treasure Dave The crystal bracelet is blinking I want more treasure You Dave? The crystal bracelet is blinking. I want more treasure. I'm filling up a bag. You race out into the back room and there are the treasure chests locked, as I said, huge, Titan-sized.

Let's take one because that's probably all we can carry. If we're touching them, it'll come with us? Yeah, I lay across them and press a button. Oh, hello, adventuring Andrews. Just trying out some new... Hey, Lodge, Lodge. Logan, we found a bunch of treasure chests. Do you reckon you want them?

Please, Lodgins. Lodgins? Lodgins. Kenny Lodgins, do you want... That's what I was going to reckon with the... Hey, Kenny. All right, we've been through this. Wasn't any less hurtful the second time.

All right, guys, yeah, we're all ready to go. Cool, can you beam us up with these treasure chests? Sorry, guys, I'm just getting some strange readings here. Did you guys find... Sorry, it's just very strange. The beacon that's sort of illuminated from the shard, which really shouldn't happen. Did you find something? No.

No? No, we just drank a milkshake quietly in a pub Because it sort of looks like this world has now been enveloped into the cradle Which is not what we wanted necessarily Oh, look at science, officer I don't know what you're talking about Suddenly Logan glitches and glitches and then shatters And the image of Logan that you see on your crystal bracer

is suddenly replaced with a stern figure in an Imperious Admiral's greatcoat with an Efreeti in billowing robes beside him. Listen up, you shitheads! I enjoyed your capering and tumbling as much as the next person at that party. But you pierced wild space and you are in

what's the word I'm looking for? Contravention? Thank you Janice. You are in contra thank you. No I thank you. I guess also a third figure appears. She's just off screen. You're in contravention of so many parts of the Shard Treaty.

You have no idea how much I'm going to murder your dicks. And to put it on top of that, you're thieves, all of you, and murderers, no doubt. What happened to Hyperion Max? Where is he? What have you done with him? Hyperion Max. I guess if you kill us you'll never know. Press the button, press the button, press the button, press the button. And you all materialise.

I run back and get my immovable rod and then I press the button. No, you all materialise. No! No! I want my rod. I'm back onto the spaceship as... See, that's why you've got to get an immovable rod with a flared base so that you don't lose it it's immovable demi it says it on the label as you find yourselves once more on the heart of glass

uh just in time for a final translocation four once again the ship is recharged and wild space beckons as the Primarian fleet and Stiers men arrive in this new land claimed by the nine known Worlds that you have handed to it But what of your new goblin friend who seemed to be able to transport themselves almost like you what to of Bobby's role we haven't really clarified And Stier he seems like he's hanging around for the answers to questions such as these. And, like, just bear with us. We'll get there. Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends.

Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Mitchell Hinge and Simon Greiner. DM'd by Dave Harmon with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira can't... Fuck my arse. Shakira can't design their website and this episode featured me, Demi Lardner, accompanied on the... Kello?

The Kello? You mean one of them big biolins? Accompanied on the Kello by Angela Wapier. Did I say that right? Yes, of all the names you killed Love Wapier. I'm

accompanied right now by Tom Walker. We have a podcast. Yeah, you remember me. I played a bunch of characters. Yes, and he wasn't in this episode, but he needs to take every joy I have and insert himself into it. I'm here too. What's our podcast called? It's called BigSoftTitty.png,

but if that's too hard to type into iTunes, because it is a very obstructively named podcast, just search Demi Lardner or Tom Walker and it will come up. It'll come up if you search Tom Walker. All my awards come up if you search my name. Fuck off. All right. Thanks, guys.

Bye. Bye.