Dragon Friends - #4.03. I've Got a Song As Well with Montaigne

Episode Date: March 22, 2018

Admiral Jayne Steyer and the Primer fleet have scoured the Nine Known Worlds for any sight of the Dragon Friends and at last have found them, caught red handed on the fringes of wild space. A sudden jump, a chance reunion and a party soon follow. Also quite a lot of really rather erotic poetry.This episode features NPCs by Carlo Ritchie and special guest Montaigne, who wrote a song! She's backed by Rob Boddington and Dan & Pete who insisted they be credited as the Sonic Boom Lords. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there podcast listeners, we are coming to Melbourne. We are doing a live show on April 7 as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Malthouse Theatre. Tickets are available on our website, but selling fast, so get in on it. Also, Alex and Ben were away for the recording of this month's show, so NPC voices are provided by Carlo Ritchie. Here's the show. Six months have elapsed since the destruction of Freeside at the hands of the dragon friends. Six months that have now been lost to the four of you.

The result of a memory wipe that was itself precursor to a heist gone bad. With no memories to rely on, all you can trust is your wits, each other, and the giant plane-shifting spacecraft known as the Heart of Glass that you have inexplicably inherited. In the whirlwind of the last few hours, you have learned precious little of the circumstances of this missing half year, it seems that you

are travellers, it seems you have a ship, it seems that you have come in possession of a powerful relic known as the lance, capable of sending your vessel far into the forbidden reaches of wild space, it seems that you are on the run from the powers that be and it seems as sirens wail,

klaxons scream, and you materialize back on the bridge that your pursuers have found you at last. The voice of Logan is already in your ears. What did you do? I mean, what did you touch? I gave you one, Joe. I said, go and have an ice cream or something. What the hell are you doing? Oh, well, there was a goblin who was covered in eye patches. And she told us, she was very clear that we had to go loot the big boys. She was very persuasive. And look, that sounds like gibberish to you, Logan, but you've not lived. It sounds like a bunch of bloody fibs to me is what it sounds like.

The thing about this show is that you sound like you're lying but you've not lived! It sounds like a bunch of bloody fibs to me, is what it sounds like. The thing about this show is that you sound like you're lying, and you're not, and that's really on me, so... Yeah, continue. Look at this box. Yeah, I got a treasure chest that we can zoom back up with. Oh, that's right, you said you were

going to grab onto a treasure chest. Because, yeah, when you press the button, everything you're touching gets transported with you, is what I've decided. So I... All right, all right. Look, either I was touching it or I ate it, Dave, whichever is easier.

Well, hang on, because it's a very big chest. No, that's fine. Do you want me to roll to see what I found in the chest? What would you be rolling? Well, obviously, if I get a 20, I get to pick. If I get a zero, you get to pick. That is not how the game works. All right, the chest is locked.

It's giant. It's Titan-sized. I pick it. Yeah, Simon, go ahead. Can I just do it by putting my hand inside if it's Titan-sized? Titan-sized? Oh, yeah, just manipulating the tumblers. I will say it's very easy for you because you've got time and you've got 20.

Oh, okay. Yay. All right. Congratulations. You open up the chest and inside you find, firstly, a layer of glistening rubies, small gemstones. These are quite small. I guess giant-sized glitter, really, but there's about 300 gold pieces worth of rubies. And you also find

two other items. One of them is a cloak and one of them is... Alright, well, Eden said mine. And the other one is a short sword. Alright. And there is nothing else. Alright, well I'm taking the rubies because I've already written them down.

What do you guys get there? You get some rubies? You get some rubies, a bit of gold? The voice of Logan is back with you. A bit of gold, a few rubies. Oh, that's great. Is it a whole bloody plane? Did you get a plane back? Did you get a whole bloody plane?

Because, well, I'll tell you what you've done is you've pulled whatever that planet you're orbiting into the cradle. You like that? Logins, as science officer, I just want to say I don't understand what you're talking about. That's all. Well, all I'm going to tell you is this. We've been sucked out of wild space. That's on you. That's on me. I'm a pretty

good Logan. You know, I'm a pretty good Logan. I don't want to blow my own whistle too much. I don't have a whistle to blow. I've got a bunch of klaxons. Not going to sound them. Everybody will think something's going on. That'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it? What am I going to say? I'm not going to treat my own trumpet. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to do

my job because I don't know how to do my job. It's you guys that are getting into these bloody mischiefs again. Hey, logians, if you're so pissed off at us, why don't you give us our memories back? Oh, yeah, alright, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd love to give you your memories. That's on you.

That's on you guys. That's not on me. I feel like it seems, Logins, your primary directive right now is to avoid any responsibility for your fuck-ups, mate. I don't know how this has come back to me, guys. I'm not the one that's got

the bloody entire Primus fleet. Well, actually, I am. I am. I am the ship. I am the ship. So, no. Tip for tat. Two peas in a pod.

A couple of pies on the shelf. You know, you were right. I was wrong. We were both right on that. And Logan makes a sort of hololithic gesture, and you can suddenly see a star map. And, indeed, the blip that is presumably your ship is now surrounded by six other red blips

and a giant red blip that looks like some kind of flagship. Thank you. Blip, blip. So this is the fleet that's come to get us? This is the Primus fleet. What's a Primus fleet? The Primus fleet, these are the people who are chasing us, I think. Why are they chasing us?

So you met Jane Steyer, Admiral of the Primer Fleet, very, very briefly at a party. You told him you were Cirque du Soleil, and we all have to live with that. Are we continuing that ruse, guys? Well, it's interesting to say that because the screen blinks on and there he is. Well, well, well. Excuse me, just wait one second.

Ta-da! And that's our new act. Hello. You just missed it. Well, if it isn't the travelling circus. What brings you perjurers of fine magic to this part of space? We were sightseeing. Mm-hmm.

And that's part of the perusal of being an acrobat? Yes. Everywhere we go, we like to do local gear. Yeah, we've got a Titan-themed show coming up. I stand on stilts and I do a nice dance. Well, look, I don't care really what you're doing. I'm going to be honest with you. I just wanted to remind you

that you are in clear violation of the Shard Treaty for stealing from the Charcoal Bazaar and for murdering the Planeswalker Hyperion. I can tell you're making that noise. I can see you making that noise. I know, I know. I can see you making the noise. The screens work both ways.

Breaking up? Hey guys, just freeze. I heard you say just freeze and I... Wait. Wait, is this actually Frozen now? I don't... What kind of mama's fast is this? No, this is real. Oh, wait, it's...

Well, see, now I... You almost had me there for... Sometimes I almost wish you were acrobats because you're so damn good. He turns and makes a quick gesture to his side and an alarm starts to beep and a message flashes up that says tracking beacon imminent.

Logents, do the, make the ship do a thing. Evasive manoeuvres. Fire. The lance isn't finished charging, guys. This is what happens when you just throw all plans to the bloody wind. Again, just shifting the blame. So, look, there's some emergency coordinates that were pre-calculated to a rendezvous. I don't know where it goes.

You know, I don't know what's going on. But, you know, we can go there. For the second time in a few hours, Logan seems put out by the lack of information that he has. Just so you're aware. You feel put out by lack of information? I don't even, these guys have jobs. I don't even know what my bloody job is.

I'm a lieutenant. That doesn't mean anything. Yeah, well, you'll think you're put out. I'm a spaceship, and they gave me a sense of smell. Do you have a sense of... I was every day on the. Oh, what's that? It's a really attuned... I can smell. Can smell.

By the sea. There we go. Logines, can smell exist in a vacuum? Ooh. In a spaceship inside a vacuum? Yeah, I can't smell outside. So you're smelling inside yourself. You're smelling inside yourself.

I can tell, for example, that you've all had milkshakes. Not free, though. And that is not milk that you want to be having inside your body, I could tell, for example, that you've all had milkshakes. And that is not milk that you want to be having inside your body, I'll tell you that. Mine was dairy-free. So do you want me to launch this? Yeah, let's go.

I say let's fucking hightail this to the wind. Listen, I'm still on the line. Longjones, you're meant to hang up on him. I really am going to ask you not to go to it. Don't jump. Alright. Can I try and do a... What do you meant to hang up on him I really am going to ask you not to go to it Don't jump

Can I try and do a What do you want to do? Can I try and do a Filch voice? Oh yeah, Filch is here Alex can't be with us today But Filch is still here So Filch will be like Me, Captain!

Jump! That wasn't good, was it? That is terrible That was really bad It was International Women's Day Not days ago Your stomachs heave As your vision spins through every colour conceivable into blessed blackness as it slowly and quickly takes hold

and you arrive through a singularity into a new world as your stomachs flip. However, once again... Do you want us to do a check to see if we throw up? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, okay, Dave. Natural 20, I throw up so hard. Because you want to... You're fine Natural 20, I throw up so hard. Because you want it.

You're fine. Eden and I both rolled sixes. You throw up on each other. No. Well, I'll tell you this, that bloody smells as bad as it looks. Another ship is once again racing over an unfamiliar landscape. Where are we? Can you tell?

Okay, look, every time we travel amongst the nine, alright, Steyr can find us. That's what I want you to know. As he says this, by the way, you're flying through the cloud layer of a majestic world of rolling hills, deep forests and sparkling waterfalls. This is the Feywild. Now, Steyr doesn't know where we are in the Feywild,

but you can bet more than the bloody pie on the wind sill that he'll find out. What's a pie? Hey, spaceship, what's a pie? That is not an expression, Carlo. Don't talk to Carlo, man. I'm just a spaceship that can talk. They didn't program me with a lot of idioms, guys.

I had to make a lot of these idioms up as a spaceship. As a spaceship, what's your association with food? Do you like... Can smell it, can analyse it, can't eat it But I have tried I would argue that your idioms are probably the thing most likely to make this spaceship fail the Turing test Oh, oh, oh

Lojans, let's do the Turing test Do it on me, do it on me do the Turing test. Do it on me. Do it on me. Don't do it on him. Do it on me. Listen, guys, I don't have time for this. These kind of back alley shenanigans. Can I just ask you, do you think I'm a robot? I don't really know what is a robot and what isn't a robot anymore, guys.

You know, that's where I'm at in my life. Does that mean everyone passes the Turing test in your eyes? Maybe everybody fails. Oh. Well, here we are in the Feywild. Logan, to summarise, reminds you that Steyr is chasing you. Now, the Primer Fleet are meant to patrol the Cradle and not go beyond. That is what the Shard Treaty is.

These are the nine known worlds where it is safe. Wild space behind is where it is dangerous, where it is forbidden. Your ship can pierce the cradle and go through to wild space, but something you did on that planet has sucked it into the cradle and you back into Steyr's hands. Now, he doesn't know where in the Feywild you are, but he knows you came here and he will be hunting for you. And once again, the ship needs

to vent. By the ship needs to vent. I mean in a way different to the... I've got some stuff to work through. So I'm going to drop you down here. You guys can go off. Just, just... All I'm going to drop you down here. You guys can go off. Just, just, all I'm asking, don't touch anything that looks like it's going to cause some kind of interplanar. Just be on, please behave.

So no beacons. No beacons is what you're saying. No beacons. All right? You've got your crystal braces. All right? You can communicate me. And once the crystal heart on those braces fills up.

Hello? Hello? I'm right here. Okay, good. Just checking. Science officer, all right? I'm right here, mate. If I hold this bracer up to your voice module, will it feed back in your ears?

I mean, technically my whole ship is in here. You're in my ear. Wow. So all of this is feedback to me. It's horrible. All right. Beam us down. And he already has.

Goodbye, logians. God's sake. Ten minutes in. So yeah, once the hearts on your crystal braces charge, you can come back onto the ship and the vent will be finished and the ship will be ready to jump again. But until then, you are strangers in the strange

land of the Feywild, even now being beamed down to the plainer surface. You feel the impression again of clean, beautiful water, frozen peaks, glistening air, and then you thunk with a whoosh down behind a bush where you can see two figures. Yeah, I know. It starts majestic, but it ends down in the dirt like so much of this fucking show. For that, you're in a bush and you can see two figures having a conversation. One which looks surprisingly familiar.

Boosh, you dear. You look absolutely terrible. Look at you, you silly little supplicant. Head. Head smear. I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, yeah? Okay? Supportive comments or nothing at all.

Okay, let's keep that feedback constructive. You wouldn't like it if I said to you, like, you're ugly. You're ugly and you have a face like the inside of my ass. You wouldn't like that, would you? The figures that you can see, one of them is an owl with a brilliant sort of regal bearing and a proud white plumage, which is sitting on a branch of the bush. Flitting around nervously is the figure of Bushu, your one-time familiar who somewhere along the way in a distant continent called Chult, you

freed. You gave the gift of freedom to... I did, but I didn't think that would count in the real world. Oh, didn't you? You thought you could just do whatever you wanted and there'd be no repercussions, did you? Well, I didn't really... So that's real now? I've freed him? Does he think he's free? Can you cast Fireball? Are you fucking level six? Yes, it's real. Okay

Bushu is that you? Bushu? No It can't be It can't be. Hey buddy And who's your friend? You emerged from the bush I suppose. Who's your owl friend? Oh no. Oh god. Bushu this is simply oh God. Oh, Bushu. This is simply...

Oh, this is delicious, Bushu. Who are these wonderful figures here? Oh, no. I don't know these people. Bushu! No! We know... Phil, Shpesto.

Yep, you all come out. We'll come out. I don't... Hey, Bushu. Yeah, look. I was singing in a nightclub for a short while. Yep, you all come out. We'll come out. I don't... Hey, Bushu. Oh, yeah, look, I had a... I was singing in a nightclub for a short while. You know, cabaret stuff.

But these must be fans of mine. I don't know them personally. Has he told you he was an artist of some description? Because that's not true. Oh, I could just eat this up, Bishu. Well, Bishu, I was coming to give you your invite to the Moon Day, Rebels. But you simply have to bring your friends. They look like an absolute hoot.

Little owl joke there. Yeah, we got it, Hedspere. I think we all got it. You got any more of that grade A owl material? No, that's about it. Don't push me. Listen. He plucks out from somewhere inside his plumage four small envelopes,

and he hands one to you, Bushu, and then one to each of the dragon friends. And then he plucks out a fifth one, I guess, because I can't count. and then one to each of the dragon friends. And then he plucks out a fifth one, I guess, because I can't count. Each of them is marked with a single O entwined in a T. Make sure you impress the king and queen at court, Bilgeau. And remember, you have to bring them now once an invite is accepted. It cannot be rescinded on the pain of death. Okay, goodbye, Bilgeau.

Great to see you. You're looking so daunt. Okay, bye. That's not a word. As he flies away. Boucher, yeah, you're here. You're reunited with your master. What are you... What am I doing here? What are you doing here? This is my plan. Don't come

into my plan and be what are you doing here, okay? Well, I didn't realise this was your plane. I'm sorry. This is my death. Where am I? Well, hang on.

You're the Feywild. You're outside your house. Oh, I'm just outside my house? This is my house. What does this house look like? It was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. It's very lovely.

Geometrical. It's in the prairie style. Why, you want to come in? I'd love to. Okay, come in. Let's go. Can to come in? I'd love to. Okay, come in. Let's go. Can I come in? Yeah, it would be awkward.

I don't want any neighbors seeing you outside. Get inside. Bushu takes you all inside, and there is a very tastefully laid out deck, some, I suppose, white lounges. Yeah, this is an Eames chair. I have a bit of a thing you didn't know about me. As he flits up to an impeccably managed bar

and starts mixing four Aperol Spritz, pulling the ice out of the bucket with his tail. Yeah, and this lamp, this is the lamp from the Pixar, you know? It's really a design archon. And this is the Mark Newsome, the juicer, where it kind of looks like a... It's pretty impractical as a juicer. What's that artwork on the wall there? Who did that?

It's Kandinsky, Vasily. Really? Whenever I say Vasily Kandinsky, I start talking like a German. I can't help it. Anyway. Okay. Listen. Seeing as I'm Anyway Okay, listen Seeing as I'm a newly emancipated familiar Congratulations

Well, I guess thank you Thank you Okay, thank you Yeah, I'm sorry that sounded Okay, thank you So Because I'm newly emancipated I have the chance to join the court of the Fairwild

Okay, which for me Living in this plane is a pretty big deal, yo Sir Well, you know what? If there's anything we can do to help You served me so loyally for so many years Please let me help you I'm sure nothing will go wrong

I see I see by the cold Why are you blinking like that. You blink like that when you lie. Oh wait, you always lie. Listen. Freezer. Yes? Best on. Bobby. You guys are cool.

Oh, you look so handsome. Best on. Okay. Okay. Aiden, what does Best on think about that? He just kisses Bushu and they like, they kiss What's that look like?

But just like, it's like a little it's kind of more like a I don't know what it looks like Do they kiss and then afterwards they break away and a little bit of fire comes out of Bastogne's mouth? I don't know why they didn't kiss earlier. Okay, anyway.

Frieza, don't fuck this up for me. Or I will kill you. Can you do that? Yeah, no, you're not my master anymore. And he pulls out his little scorpion tail. He's like, I will sting you in the eye. Well, that, I mean, I could have killed you ages ago and I didn't.

No you couldn't. Try killing me now. Dave, can I kill Bushu? I'll sting him in the face. Bushu is much more strong in the Feywild than he was in your world. You are a shadow of yourself here, just as he is. Bushu, he's got like tiny pectoral marches and like staunches you.

He's like, step at me, bruh. Step at me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, are we, are we operating at a disadvantage? Are we,

It'll be built into the stats of everything here, but yes, your magic is weaker by the median than the magic. Well, what do we do before the party?

How should we get ready? Well, look, you can look in my wardrobe, but I don't know what will fit you. These, the jumpsuits look pretty wardrobe but I don't know what will fit you These, um The jumpsuits look pretty good, I guess Okay

What are we supposed to wear to Royal Court? Normally people go naked but, um I mean, I'm not wearing anything Dave, this is Ken and Rat Well, I don't think you've been wearing anything this whole time Yeah, right? Yeah, I'm a dragon

That's cool Alright, so, um There are only a few hours So I guess we all get naked? Well, I'm a dragon. That's cool. All right, so there are only a few hours. So I guess we all get naked? Well, I didn't say. Bastogne's already naked, just frolicking. Whee! Is it like an old...

It's tradition. I mean, you know. When in Rome, Bush is like, don't sit down on anything. You all get naked in Bush's house. Congratulations. I don't want to turn up and be the only naked one. Don't. Yeah, look, I wouldn't...

He wouldn't embarrass it. No, okay. The traditional dress is actually like bits of leaves and shit. So just go in the backyard and, like, make a daisy chain and put it over your junk. Yeah, man, I'll Adam and Eve this shit. Yeah, nice. All right. Fig leaves all around.

You spend the rest of the afternoon making Adam and Eve this shit. Yeah, nice. All right. Big leafs all around. You spend the rest of the afternoon making Adam and Eve shit. Grit. You can write that on your inventory. So, after, while as the sun begins to set, a carriage arrives, floating and horseless, that has been summoned by the actual act of giving you the invitations to ferry you away to the fairy court, where the

summer king and queen are waiting. Yeah, this is my carriage. Got no horses, floats. The carriage has a... Ben Jenkins character. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, my name's Ben, Ben Jenkins. Is that the carriage talking or is there...

I'm a talking carriage. I float, got no horses, pretty trippy. Yeah, nah, but, you know, it's lost, pretty trippy, yeah, nah, but, you know, it's lost on you. Okay, look, enough chat, okay? I'm not paying you to talk. Take me where you want to go, okay? Yeah, fair enough. Never want to chat to a carriage, do I? Never want to chat. Okay.

The doors... I've got stories, man, I've got stories. The doors open, ready to spirit you out of the forest. So are you guys going to enter? Yeah. Let's go. Do it.

And am I just to be clear, you've taken off all your clothes? We're fig leafing. Are you wearing the bracer? You can't take that off. Can we take those off? No. I'll keep the bracer on. I'll keep the bracer on and I've still got all my inventory, but my clothes.

Sorry, so you're wearing a backpack. Yeah, I'm wearing a fig leaf and a backpack. I don't know why that's so difficult to understand, Dave. It's like you've never been to, I don't know, a music festival before. As you float through the gates of the shining city of Sylvania, the Aladrin capital, you can see already the Palace of the Summer city of Sylvania, the Aladrin capital, you can see already the palace of the Summer King and Queen as a spectacle of light,

color, and magic cresting at the top of the hill at the center of the city. Once through those gates, fairies and Aladrin quarters mingle and titter in the corners of a spectacle for the mind, a giant hall where a quartet of nymphs and satyrs draw music out of a fountain that is somehow both decoration and string instrument. It's all super posh. At the top of the room... I like how super posh to you is a fountain that's also an instrument. I think that's pretty cool.

Is that me? Maybe that's me. Oh, all right. I'm just mad about phonics. Are the strings made of water? Yeah. That's pretty made of water? Yeah. That's pretty cool. See?

It's cool. It's not posh. Well, I've never been to a party where the fountain had, you know. My dad's got two. I'll tell you what's pretty fancy. If you fill your mouth with water and then get a recorder and just blow down it, all the water comes out the holes. At the top of the room on two resplendent thrones,

the Summer King and Summer queen of the fairies, Oberon and Titania sit, taking audience, surrounded by a cloister of elvish sycophants. Four small, fat cherubs glide through the air and offer each of you a goblet of summer wine. And Bushu, I suppose, by prearrangement, another Aperol Spritz, for the revels have just begun. Ooh, this Summer... I mean, roll for the Summer Wine.

What does that mean? What does that mean? It's 11, so it's fine, I guess. What are you talking about, like, tannins? See, 11 isn't very good, and if you're going to roll for it... It's a pass. I would say that it is a moderate check to avoid on your constitution becoming drunk, so you are now drunk and disadvantaged from summer wine. Are you happy?

Congratulations. No, I was rolling. The rest of you don't even need to fucking roll. So. All right, then. I guess this barely clothed Friso has no inhibitions, then. Now, Bushu. clothed Friso has no inhibitions then. Now, Bushu...

Bushu, the rules of the invitation are very clear. You, as an emancipated familiar, have one opportunity every hundred years to be accepted into the court of the fairy king and queen. But to do that, you need to present yourself at these revels, and because you have guests, you must present them as well. There is already a small, discreet queue of would-be courtiers waiting for their turn to meet with the royalty, and Hedgemere, newly elevated to the rank of courtier, is waiting on the side with a shit-eating grin on his face,

if such a thing is possible through a beak. I've been eating shit. It's an owl thing, Bushu. You wouldn't understand. I don't want to... I don't think that is an owl thing. You will speak when you are spoken to. Hey, man. I'm just having a good time.

I don't want to kill you, Friso, because I don't hate you. Hey man, I'm just having a good time. I don't want to kill you, Friso, because I don't hate you. I just think that if you kill me at this fancy party, it'll probably ruin your chances of being accepted. No one likes a murderous dragon. Listen, okay, look. I will do you one favour

if you don't embarrass me, okay? One favour, a small favour. Not a big thing. I will never be your familiar again. Let me make that clear. What about if the favour is to be my familiar again? No, that is not a favour I will do for you. Man, you've changed. Hedgemere speaks up and goes,

you don't understand, he's been emancipated. The only way he will be a familiar again is if he is rejected by the fairy court. Oh! Oh, no, okay. Oh, God. by the fairy court. Oh!

Oh, no, okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's so rare that Friso gets a win, but here we are. The queue, however, has ended, and now you find yourself in front of Oberon, for it is his name.

The myths of many worlds are reflections of not just the Feywild but many of these planes. And Oberon and Titania come to us through that same... in case anyone's wondering. So, very nice. The sonic boomlords with the glittering chimes. So... Your Highness? My name is Frieza and it's a... thank you for having us. This is a beautiful palace, a very posh palace in my mind Welcome, Friso

was it? Yes, thank you That's an uncommon name I will have to say but welcome nonetheless and welcome beneath the moonlight that is the sweet sweet dance to celebrate the love between myself and Titania.

King Oberon. Ah, the slippery Bulsio. It is I who have bought before... Have you been working out, Bulsio? It's so nice of you to know this, King Oberon. You, in your splendifference, are dashing and spectacular as ever. Boucher, Boucher, you shouldn't, but go on. Yeah, looking upon you is like looking upon a flower.

Beautiful, but strong as a tree. Boucher's not good at this elf shit. I have brought before you my former master, Frieza, to show you the true evil that I have escaped from. What? Dude, dude, dude, I thought we were friends. What are you going to go and tell everyone I'm evil? Still he hungers for my friendship, but I have we were friends. What are you going to go and tell everyone I'm evil? Still he hungers for my friendship. But I have shook him off.

While you are talking to Oberon, Bastogne, Filge and Bobby, you are beckoned forward by the beautiful, proud, eladrin queen herself, Titania. Which I guess is Eden. Please don't tell me. Ooh. Can she be Irish, please, Eden? to Tanya. Which I guess is Eden. Oh. Can she be Irish please, Eden? Irish? I don't

know. This is the voice that I'm doing. No, it's good, yeah. Oh, yay fair travellers. Not bad. Oh, you're a small one, aren't you, Mr... Mr Pancakes, Mr Robert Pancakes, Your Majesty. Oh, you're a small one, aren't you, Mr... Mr...

Mr. Pancakes. Mr. Robert Pancakes, Your Majesty. Oh, you're delightful. Oh, and who's this so handsome, but not as handsome as my fair husband, for none are. Oh, Titania, you do relic in my compliments. Oh, Oberon, you do relic in my compliments. Ooh, ooh, Oberon, ooh.

Titania, I look at you and I am overcome with a deep, deep hunger. Ooh, do go on, Oberon. You're getting me all hot in me pants. To lie but a minute in your bosom Would be to spend an eternity Lost, lost on a turbulent sea of lies As he says this he takes a metal goblet Swigs it once and steps up Ignoring for a second you

And smashes it on the ground As she steps up and faces him To spend but a moment in your arms Fair Oberon Would be like a ship lost at sea in an ocean of crystals, drowning, drowning in your embrace, only to be reborn again,

fresh as the morning dew. But twixt morning and night Surely must come a thousand pleasures Each more significant As the earth's crust pushes together Slowly rising into turbulent mountains of heat So too is my love erupting Pushing itself ever upwards Thrusting itself upon the lins and bruins of your tae Gross is my love erupting, pushing itself ever upwards,

thrusting itself upon the lins and bruins of your tail. Gross. Make a perception check for me. That's a 10. Okay, one of the things that you notice is that all of the other elves in Eladrin are hanging on their every word, and you realise that this is the game for them. This performative love between Oberon and Titania is something that the entire, sort

of is a magic that they all share together. So the more borderline obscene that the conversation is getting, the more that they're eating it up. And this is an anniversary that happens every 30 days and has been happening for centuries. They have to do that once a month? This is the lunar revels. That is correct. Your love fills me like a hot meteor striking a giant ice cap and causing a flood, a flood great enough to crush a civilization,

returning it to the sea. Dave, I think at this point, I think because Frieza's a little bit drunk, I think he would see this and he would see that other people are doing this thing and he'd be like, oh, I get it. I know what the game is. And he kind of steps forth and goes, oh. There is a lull in the conversation. Just before Oberon is about to say a very rehearsed piece of poetry,

Friso speaks up. Stumbles in. Oh, my balls are so good. And both of your bits are probably great as well. I respectfully ask to be involved in whatever's going on here. I've fucked before and I'll do it again because there's one thing they say about Friso, he's not a virgin.

I'm just trying to work out if this is a persuasion check or a performance check. Bobby just jumps in and goes, Your Majesty's, be fair warned, he has a pointy dongus. Oberon, make a persuasion check for me. Persuasion? Yeah, tell me what you get. That is a three.

Is it? Oh, it's a three plus two is five. Sorry, it's five, yeah. It's five. Is it? Oh, it's three plus two is five. Sorry, it's five, yeah. It's five.

I don't know where you think you are and how glorious you imagine your balls to be, little man. At this point, Fraser has a little ball and he's like, hey, give me your keys. Give me your keys. Everyone throw their keys in. We'll have fun. But perhaps...

I'm Polly now. Perhaps your interruption is a timely one. Are we not at a feast, my friends? Is this not a glorious celebration of the glorious majesty that is the deep bosom of Titania. And as Oberon says that, the room seems to shush as he stands up and addresses the entire crowd around him.

My dearest one, Titania. Yes? My agents heard tell of an elfling, lowborn, unknown and penniless adrift on the bluffs of chance, just as I am adrift on a ship in the turbulent sea that is your love. But her voice, my darling,

a rare summer wine for the summer queen. Her song today I gift to you, my love. The room is now deathly silent as a prismatic orb forms in the center of the court and explodes into tessellating color to appreciative

oohs and ahhs from the crowd as a figure emerges through the colored smoke. It is the figure of an elfling woman strumming what seems to be some kind of stringed instrument as she begins to sing. Upon a mountain did I stand Gazing upon my stolen land Marry a comfort but my voice to sing

Passing plants into cold air When did I spy a rosling there Waiting for darkest the winter to turn spring. Oh, tiny bud, oh, tiny bud, surmount the cold, survive the flood. Weather the storm, defy the sky above. We shall see the flying dove, battle the beasts and spill their blood. the flying dove. Battle the beasts and spill their blood. Weather the storm so

I may bring your power to my love. As the elf sings, you realize the entire room is entranced by this gift of potent love that Oberon has gifted to his Titania. A voice from another world, another plane, plucked out of obscurity,

a court to the court to perform on this, the day of the lunar rebels. Slug beneath an open sky Dreaming a dream of peaceful eyes Waking to find myself quite unafraid Barbarous won't kill me yet. Nothing to lose, so hope to bet that I shall reclaim the throne for I am afraid. Whether the storm defy the sky above We shall see the flying dove Battle the beasts and spill their blood

Whether the storm's away We bring your power to my love Rally the force of loyal souls Ready to pay the fatal toll If we could return my king and I to throne Daring women, daring men Not out of if we fight for When the enemy falls and I am queen again Oh tiny bun, oh tiny bird, surmount

the cold, survive the flood. Weather the storm, divide the sky above. We shall see the flying dove, battle the beasts and spill their blood. Weather the storm so I may bring your flower to my love. Learn to wield the sword and shield, made of blood to never yield, every night I battled with my fear. Finally it was the night, Take the castle back with might

We shall be reunited soon, my dear Oh, tiny bird, oh, tiny bird Surmount the cold, survive the flood Weather the storm, divide the sky above We shall see the flying dove battle the beasts and spill their blood weather the storm

so I may bring your power to my love Quietly we took the walls clever and quick advanced the halls wondering when old Barbarus would show Let me be she who takes his head

See if the brute's blood runs out red Bury his broken body down below Oh tiny bird, oh tiny bird Surmount the cold, survive the flood. Weather the storm, divide the sky above. We shall see the flying dove, battle the beasts and spill their blood. Weather the storm so I may bring your flower to my love weather the storm so I may bring your flower to

my love applause applause applause applause applause applause

applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause

applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause

applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause

applause applause applause applause applause Pap El Fad, welcome to the stage, one, two! Thank you, everyone! Oh, thank you so... That is an unnecessarily classy move in this stupid show. Don't worry, we'll mess it up soon. Let's also hear it for Dan and Pete. Pete! Woo-hoo! So you are playing... Jess, you are playing Bass Bass Wahooverberry.

Yes. Yes, the... What was the name are playing Base Base Wahooverberry. Yes. What was the name again? Base Base Wahooverberry. And this is a level six bard, half elf. I put a character sheet together for you, so you've got spells here. These are your abilities. We've never had a bard before, a proper bard.

We've had Benny, but if we made Benny play, he would have hit us. Oh, he would have been so mad. So yeah, you can do bardic inspiration, you've got counter charms, cutting words, all of this wonderful stuff, but for now Wahooverberry is playing and as her song finishes, she looks up for the first time and you catch a flash of her eyes as the

room erupts into orgasmic applause and Titania flutters. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. But perhaps not that much. A rare gift, dear husband.

For you, I have nothing more than a simple rose plucked from the gardens of the Shadowfell by a planeswalker friend. Rare, beautiful, tragic, and worthy of you, my love. And as she does that, she pulls from the sleeve of her dress a dark

crystal rose, deep in a moody, moonlit red friezo. With a disadvantage, because you're very drunk, I want you to roll Arcana for me. Come on, Arcana check. You've never let me down before. Come on.

Oh. No, Dave. It looks fine. It looks like a normal rose. It's 11. It looks fine. If anything, you want another drink. She gives the rose to Oberon, who flourishes it, and takes the rose.

Yeah, Oberon takes it, takes a deep, long draw. And as he sniffs from the rose deeply, it shatters into a thousand pieces, and he cries out in pain as the crystal shards fly out and reform into a solid block of gemstone, with Oberon locked inside in a rick to scream. For a second, the stone lies suspended in air before it disappears with a sucking whoosh, and in its place is a black portal to another place.

Oberon! Where is my Oberon? But already you can see dark figures chittering outside the portal, starting to emerge. Strange figures as the court begins to panic. Someone's taken my Uber on. Don't worry I've got a song as well. Band do you know the song I'm Horny? I get what this is about. Alright, three shadow demons pour out of the hole, and one of them lunges it to Tanya, one of them makes a swipe at you, Bobby,

and one lunges at you, Wahoo, the berry, for you're at the centre of the room. So we go into initiative. Now, the first one up, I believe, is you, Friso. So do you sing your song? No, I'll use my movement action to move my mouth to sing the song, which is the I'm Horny song, as we've discussed. And then I can't really AOE damage these guys.

I'm not going to let you cast a spell with verbal components because you are singing I'm Horny by Moose T. Damn it! Isn't it by Madison Avenue? No, I think they did a version of it, but the original is Moose T. Damn it! Isn't it by Madison Avenue? No, I think they did a version of it, but the original is Moose T. So you can pick a spell with somatic or material components. No, I... If you're going to commit to the bit.

This says I have a gun. Do I still have a gun, Dave? Yeah, you still have a gun. I think I still have a gun, don? Yeah, you still have a gun. I think I still have a gun, don't I? You have a gun with six... Now, Dave, does a gun have vocal parts? Do I need to cast my gun, Dave? Do I need to use my mouth to use my gun?

Just use your gun. You're the shooter, the demon. So singing, I'm horny. Horny, horny, horny. Hey, Michael, do you just want to move your mouth and I'll do a little bit? I'm horny, I'm horny horny horny.

And then bass bass says that was actually quite good. Very good voice on that. And she strikes up a sick riff for you as you pull out your gun and I will say that the power of that singing is enough to cancel out a disadvantage with advantage so you can make a normal attack

at the Shadow Demon. So that is 18 plus 2 is 20. Yep, that hits. And then 2d6, 8. That's right. 2d6 damage, so I'm going to do that is 7 damage I do. Congratulations, that hits. And then 2d6 8. That's right. 2d6 damage. So I'm going to do... That is 7 damage I do. Congratulations. You do not very much damage. So that is your action. Wahooverberry, you're next.

What are they again? They're shadow demons. Shadow demons. Creatures of shade and darkness with sort of oily barbarous figures that are emerging out and clawing at the portal. They've got four claws each, on each hand, like they're normal.

A medium fiend, if you will. A medium fiend. A medium fiend, okay. And smoke and oily residue. Demand des ombres. Sorry? It's written in French here. Okay. For the international listeners.

Je ne parle pas français. I'm going to...berry grabs the head of her bass guitar and presses a button and as she does this the guitar kind of like shutters down like flipping dominoes and it transforms

into an automatic crossbow and you see you see the strings transmogrify also into and it transforms into an automatic crossbow. Yeah. Fucking yes! And you see the strings, the strings transmogrify also into the arrows and she's got this, what do you call it, a quiver in her back. And so she's just got this handful of arrows, she sheathes like, how many do I have? Fire your base bow.

Yeah, yeah. And I fire my base bow at this creature. I aim for like, does it have like a... It's a humanoid. Okay, at its head. Okay. That's what I'm going for. It fires two shots, your base bow plus one,

which we did pre-decide. So you can go ahead and make two attacks. You've got to beat 13 and you add six year olds. Okay, so I'm rolling this stuff. Yep, you want sevens. One of them hits, and it does a D10 plus five, so

that's not a D10. Oh, you're never going to live that down, Dave. Pick the wrong dice. Is it a D10? Okay, great. So you do seven hit points again. Interesting. Excellent. Next one, Bobby. Are there any, like, candles and stuff in the room?

Yeah, the room is, there's a huge beautiful chandelier hanging above the courtyard With fire candles? Lit with hundreds of candles Okay, I use Ledger Man to pull down a bunch of candles and fling them at the oily demon in front of me

Alright, great, so he has to make quickly a dexterity saving throw from that and he rolls, one of them rolls 18 and dodges a dexterity saving throw from that. And he rolls, one of them rolls 18 and dodges a side. Oh, there was only one, wasn't it? Yes. But the room,

the fire hits the carpet and it starts to smolder and the room starts to burn. Oh, no. But he's dodged it for now. Okay. Next one up is you, Baston. How far are the demons

from the portal from whence they came? Two are close. One is a bit further out. Okay, I want to charge and fly kick the one so he flies back into the portal. Oh, a fly further out. Okay, I want to charge and fly kick the one so he flies back into the portal. Oh,

a fly kick. Alright, bull rushing. Great. Opposed strength check. Trying something new, Dave. Oh, okay. Wait, no, hang on. His strength is terrible. He rolled this. Yeah, alright. They are actually surprisingly weak, you realise. The incorporeal forms are sort of easy to move once you grab, but can you hit him?

Can I? So, do I get more attacks? I should have more attacks, right? 14, I definitely hit him. Yeah, that's your bull rush. So you push him and he flies back into the portal. Sick! Congratulations. Pow!

Was that an effective fly kick? So once I've landed, can I do a roundhouse to hit the other guy? Two attacks, Dave. Shouldn't we make Bastogne do a secondary roll just to make sure he doesn't follow the guy into the portal as well? No. 16, do a roundhouse and kick the other guy in as well. Boom! No, no.

Cannon! No, stop saying cannon. The second hit is a normal attack, which means that you do five points of damage. Okay. So, next up is Filge, who unslings her maul and attacks and hits one of the other shadow demons. Dave, I think she probably has a specious reason for being angry. Yeah, not yet, but she'll get angry soon, I'm sure.

And she does. She does 17 points of damage. So, yous all shit. Bobby. So, which's all shit. Bobby. So, which ones are still up and at them? There's one which is charging towards you. Okay, so I lunge at him with my short sword. Yep.

Oh, the new one? Yeah, the new one. Okay, the moment you pull it out, you notice that it has a moon, a sigil of a moon embellished on its hilt. Oh. a moon, a sigil of a moon embellished on its hilt. I take the time to in the moment really appreciate the fine craftsmanship on the new sword that I've got

and I lovingly stroke it. And then I stab the guy right in the chest. Okay, it's a plus two short sword so treat it as your normal short sword but add two to everything. Okay, that's 18? Yep. And that's 20, yeah, it's a plus two short sword. Treat it as your normal short sword, but add two to everything. Okay, that's 18. Yep. And it's 20.

Yeah, that's heaps. And add two to the damage as well. Okay, so that's 10. 10 points of damage. All right, so you do 10 points of damage to the shadow demon. Then the shadow demons, it's their turn. They do some quick claw attacks. Hits.

18. That's the one that is hitting Bobby. So, Bobby, I'm some quick claw attacks. Hits. That's the one that is hitting Bobby. So Bobby, I'm afraid you get hit. And that's 2d6 plus 3. You take 10 points of damage. The next one goes at and misses at you, Wahooverberry.

And the other one is inside the abyss again. Yeah, he's gone. I took care of him, guys. Don't worry. So that means that as the court is run away, Hing, it's your go again real quick. Yeah, he's gone. I took care of him, guys. Don't worry. So that means that as the courtiers run away, Hing, it's your go again real quick. Alright, I'm going to... So, are they... They're near people or they're fighting people

so I can't use any fire magic because it'll... There's a crowd everywhere but the room is already on fire but there's a crowd running everywhere and Titania is back looking through the portal with a furious intensity as she tries to work out where her love has gone. All right. I might run to the queen then and try and help her.

Great, okay. She looks more angry than upset as you race up towards her. I'm like, Your Majesty, Your Majesty, I am at your service. I'm the man who wanted to get involved before and I realised that was a bad move. This is all you're doing with that terrible song. I'm the man who wanted to get involved before, and I realized that was a bad move. This is all you're doing with that terrible song.

Does she think that the song caused this? Does she think that I am declaring his horniness? That was the last thing that happened. All I remember is you started singing Moose Tea, and then my Oberon was gone. Guards! Seize them! Well, I don't think that's fair. It's just a song about being horny. That's basically

what you guys were doing. That's your entire go, Jess. I'm never helping royalty again. Jess, what do you want to do next? Oh boy. See, I don't know what any of these two... If you just want to cast any of them, let me know and I'll tell you what they do.

If I... No, I won't waste that, actually. Maybe I don't. Maybe I won't do any of those things. But you can also just attack. Your bow has four arrows. You've used two, don't forget. One for every string.

I've used two? Oh, what? What? Yeah, yeah, so it's got four strings. This is a bass guitar and it fires two shots every... Oh, okay. Well. Arrow him again. Do it. You can get him back.

Just go pick up the dice. I'll shoot some arrows. Alright, great. So you fire two more, so roll those two dice again. This one and that one. Dunction. And this time they both hit. Nice. So that one twice. Great.

That does 12 points. Or whatever. And that one does seven. So you do another 19 points of damage. The one next to you is reeling and it's half dead. And then I say, suck my dick. Nice. That's cutting words Dave

yeah bards have a I will say that is yeah that is the application of the bardic ability cutting words that means that the next time yeah we subtract d6

from its attack if you remember every turn to insult one of the demons I will. Yeah, then that will excellent. Well remembered. Great, Simon.

So the last one is just still attacking me. I'm going to take another slash at him with my short sword. I'm going to say I'll just stab him. Best leave it to the professionals. So that's an 18. Yep, that hits. And

that's a 4 plus He's reeling disadvantaged by the attacks. That's 13. That can be a sneak attack. So you get those as well. 12! That was a 6 and a 6. You can have that. So that's 16, 21. That's 13. That can be a sneak attack, so you get those as well. 12! That was a 6 and a 6. You can have that. So that's 16, 21. That kills him. So, the shadow demon in front of Wehooverberry goes down

and the last thing that he thinks is the bitter insult that he took, which if anything hurts more than the sword through his chest. But all of you do not have long to save your victory, for even as you surround the last demon and the brutally flickering portal from which it emerged,

you suddenly see out of the corners of your eyes movement around the court as figures in white uniforms, each of them holding suppression mauls or assault rifles, appear with impersonal masked chrome reflective helmets and at their head a figure in an admiral's livery with a smear that looks, if anything, well-bred but badly behaved. It's Jane Steyer. Well, well, well.

What's your next trick, Cirque du Soleil? How will the dragon prince get out of this? Demons to the front of you, admirals to the right. Skuck in the middle with a high elf whose sword shoots things that are sharp, but not as sharp as her tongue. To find out what happens next, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. Dragon friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Michael Hing, Simon Greiner, and DM'd by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices. This episode by Carlo Ritchie.

Shakira Khan designs our website, and the podcast is edited by Beth McMullen. This episode features special guest Montaigne, accompanied by Rob Boddington and the Sonic Boom Lords.