Dragon Friends - #4.05. A Fistful of Shrimp

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

The Dragon Friends are booking it out of the Abyss and onto the decks of the Saturnine, a luxury planar cruiser heading straight to Primus. But is there more to the old ship than just a suspiciously warm seafood spread?Featuring special music, beeps and bloops courtesy of Ben Loomes & Syrinscape. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there podcast listeners, Dave here. Did you know we had a wiki? Because we do. You can find it on our website thedragonfriends.com and read or take part in documenting the Dragon Friends adventures in over 250 pages managed by an editor who recently described it as a terrible place she regrets taking part in. Here's the show. Daddy like! Daddy Light! Daddy Light! Daddy Light! Somewhere in the shadow fell an explosion. And then a ringing tone.

For you see, a portal has collapsed. And an explosion has ripped a ringing tone sirenscape excellent um an explosion has ripped through the winter palace of the shadow fell on the plane of existence known as the abyss the culprits four strange adventurers who call themselves the dragon friends and a strange crystal necklace capable of transmuting stored energy into rifts between the known worlds. Friso, Bobby, Phil, the last thing you see before you fall to the ground

is Wahooferberry, Bushu, and your incredibly handsome friend Baston disappearing into a circle of light before the portal collapses with a sonic boom that throws you all to the ground. Oh, boom. Was that Baston? Yeah. But he's gone, right?

Yeah, but that was the last thing you heard before as he went through the... Is that what he did as he went through the portal? And I thought Ben would do the boom, but I did it just in case he didn't. So you all, let's move on. That's right. Baston has gone through the portal to who knows where, and as the ringing in your ears slowly fades, you hear underneath it a tinny voice that you now recognise

as your mostly useless shipboard computer and AI construct called Logan. Hey, guys, guys, can you hear me? They've blocked my teleport cells. I can't summon you back. Hey, where's Bastogne? I've got no live readings of Bastogne. Yeah, he jumped through a portal.

Oh, okay, that's fine. I thought he was dead. That's cool. Anyway, here's another plane that's over. Look, they're taking me to Primus. They're towing me. They're towing me. They're towing the heart of glass. They've put wheel clamps, space

wheel clamps on it. Wait, do you have wheels? No, it's a... I was trying to put it in context that you could understand. Where from in the whole time he land? What, you have clamps and wheels? Wait, but if you were towing something, you wouldn't clamp the wheels.

He makes a good point. Because the wheels are required for towing. No, we're kicking up a lot of space sparks. That's like dropping an anchor and then tugging a boat. You know what I mean? We've got to make the rules. It's Jane Steyer and he's towing me to Primus. So that's bad news.

Hey, guys, the good news is, even though I can't get you back, I've got to make it real quick. Look, there's a plain liner called the Saturnine. How am I going to pronounce that? I think you've just made that choice unilaterally. All right. Canon. The Saturnine that's docked at the abyss of your location.

It's one of a kind. Get on board the Saturnine and... Just kidding, that was it. And then he just dies. And all of your braces go dead. It seems that Steyr has made good on his promise and towed the Heart of Glass out of this plane of existence. Now, these were small, short-range teleporters,

so you are now trapped on the abyss. Butts. Oh, man. Shaking your feet to... Shaking your head... What the fuck? No, no. We play a bit of hokey pokey.

I understand. Shaking your head to clear it, you stagger to your feet. Perhaps empowered by some lingering effect of Wahooverberry's necklace, the three of you are quicker to rise than the infernal host around you, but already you see signs of life.

Barbarous and his fiends are stirring the doors outside, and the relative safety of the Shadowfell beckons. Baston is who knows where, and for the first time in what seems like years, it is just the three of you again. I think we run and get out. And I know a safe place we can hide. Freezo is saying this to a bobby-shaped cloud I've already ran. Bilge is like, oh, sorry me was so quiet before.

When we were flying through space, I licked my bracer and my tongue got stuck on it in the cold. So do you mean the whole last two episodes, Bilge has just been like... Yeah. That's right. And only now the light from the heat from the portal has made my tongue unstuck.

So if anything, Phil's just chatty now. Yeah. Oh man! Can we go back a second? Were there some sweet zingers you wanted to lay on us in the last ep that... I mean, in the last adventure that we missed out on, Filch? But you're saying that to a Filch cloud of dust. Well, I guess Friso runs as well.

And can we run back to... Is there a place we're running to in particular you had in mind, Dave? No, that's my choice. Where did you want to go? That's how it works traditionally. I'm following Bobby. I would like to run back to my agent's office. Okay, cool. So the portal that

he opened for you in a filing cabinet is still open. Not that much time has passed. It was again, as I said, just outside the Winter Palace. So you're able to scramble sweatily back into that small square of light. And you find yourselves crawling out into a very cramped space of a small fiend's office. Frizzy Boy! I knew you'd be back.

I knew you'd want to come and see my wares again. I've booked a gig for you. That's how fast I move. Bobby Silver? Robbie Silver. If you want gold, better bloody start with silver, you know? That's how you remember it. Robbie, what's this gig you've got for us?

I was really hoping there wouldn't be any follow-up questions to that. Yeah, what is this gig you've got for us? Well, it's not strictly speaking... Because I've got notes here and I don't see any gig. That sounds a lot like a quest hook. That's all I'm saying. I mean, that did seem like you had a big yellow exclamation mark above your head. And now that we've had this conversation, I mean.

Look, it's not strictly speaking. I know you're an adventurer. I know you like doing all that stuff. You know, when Yilmaz comes around, I don't know if you've ever been to any of the big markets when Yilmus comes around. But what they like to do, I haven't seen this before, is for the children. When they come and they want to get an etching done with Father Yilmus. And there are some beings that sort of stand either side.

Anyway, it's a gig that's, no, it's not slated for another six months or so, but I'm just letting you know that if you wanted to take that gig. So wait, in this world, my manager has booked me a gig as a Christmas elf in six months' time. I'm very good. I just want to show you that I move fast, and I didn't send you that in a dream, tell you that much. I was going to put it in a, you know,

I have got it down here as to send it to you in a dream, and I'm going to cross that right off the list right this second. Watch me cross it out. Robbie, can I ask one more thing before we get on our way? Yeah. You said, as you threw us through that portal, you said that I was now a Hexblade warlock? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And I do have that. Yep. And that's sort of, you wrote that in the Book of do have that. Yep. And that's sort of, you wrote that in the Book of Eternal Lies or whatever, so that's sort of what I am now. That's what you are. Do you know what that is, though?

Because I feel like my warlock powers are sort of my thing. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And if you've changed that. So I think I can answer this question for you, Frieza. No, no, Ben, give it a crack. Yeah, as your job has been rewritten in the Tome of Lies as a hexblade, this means that now that you've lost your familiar, your connection to your patron is through the sword that he gave you.

That's also granted you some new powers. I think that you can use... Well, I tried to Google it before. Yeah. And then it just came up with regular warlock. So I don't know how to find it. So that's in Xanathar's, I think, Book of Everything. Oh, which is this one. Yes.

Let's see. Okay. But I think I've already put notes all over your character sheet for you. Uh-huh. All right. Awesome. Oh, thank you, Dave. Oh, what you've done is you've crossed out Dark One's blessing.

Yes. And you've crossed out Dark One's... Oh. Yes. So I lost a bunch of things. You have. But you've done is you've crossed out Dark One's blessing. Yes. And you've crossed out Dark One's... Oh. Yes. So I lost a bunch of things. You have. But you've gained a really nice sword. Filch, great to see you.

Great to see that your tongue got unstuck. That's nice. You got any gigs for Filch? Oh. Me looking for new management. Really? Yeah. Oh, gosh.

Me was with Robbie Bronze, but... Robbie Bronze? To be honest, a bit rubbish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'll let you know if anything comes up. Bobby, lovely to see you. Listen, Silver, we're looking for the satinite. I think it's a ship or something.

Do you know anything about that? Satinite? Oh, you've stumbled across my side hustle. And he's got one of those name toblerones on his desk that says... It's not called a name Toblerone. I ate it. To say that suggests that Ben Jenkins recognises chocolate brands before basic shapes. But that's all about which thing you learn first, right?

Yeah. So for Ben, when he was taught what a triangle prism looks like, he was like, oh, yeah, get it. Yeah, that's the Toblerone one. Yeah. Well, anyway, he flips it over and it says, Robbie Silver, travel agent. And he hands you four of those.

He peels off and he waves in front of you four of those thin cardboard gold rectangular Hershey bar looking things that you use to get access to a vehicle. Yeah, it's at the dock. It's at the dock right now. You guys want to go on a little bit of a pleasure cruise and take you guys for

the Grey Nomad site, but go for it. Don't you have a ship? Yeah, we're just taking a little break. Oh, well you enjoy it. It's the best. It's the only. You want to buy a ship? Yeah, we're just taking a little break. Oh, well, you enjoy it. It's the best. It's the only. You want to buy a ship, Robbie Silver? Start gold class. Look, I haven't been to OAT for a while, so I haven't worked it out. So...

We need to go to the docks. We need to pay you or... Yeah, you need to pay me first. He's offering to sell you tickets. Oh, you're offering to sell... How much are these tickets? Oh, let me just check my Filofax. It's called Dave.

So he shows you three tickets on option. Third class, second class and first class. Now, you guys don't have any money on you, except I think, Friso, you have a bag of rubies. I have 270 rubies left because I already had to give you 30 because that was your cut, you piece of shit. Great. Okay. So if you wanted first class

That would cost you approximately 80 rubies each It would be about 50 rubies for second class And about 25 rubies for third class economy And there's three of us? So 75, 150 or 240 Well, I've only got 270 rubies And I assume that we all want to be able to buy things Once we're on the boat, right?

Oh, guys, once you're on the boat, it's all the packages. But we want to be able to have spending money for gambling and whatnot on the boat, right, Phil? Cannot stress enough, we'll not need spending money, all expenses paid. Bobby, Phil, do you agree? I would like to go first class. There's a little chap who knows what he wants, Phil. Yeah, me, is there a masseuse on board? Oh, there's a little chap who knows what he wants Filch Yeah, me Is there a masseuse on board?

Oh, there's a masseuse Is there a tongue doctor? Yeah, you're going to really need Because I wasn't going to say anything Because I'm polite But you are bleeding a lot from your mouth Robbie Silver goes on Robbie Silver peels off two tickets

Imagine thinking that not commenting That someone is bleeding from their mouth is politeness as opposed to basic human concern. That's how I was raised. Robbie Silver peels off two first class gold tickets and 160 rubles later he's given it to you. As he looks at your diminishing pile of rubies he goes, but good news is for you, Friso,

because I know that you were just before explaining about how you were feeling a bit economically conscious. These are not package deals. So if you want to travel third class, save a bit of that scratch. And obviously that's, you know, where you save money, I save money. I'll just take 20% of that. That's the back end. Don't worry about that.

Anyway, if you want that, I can give you this third class ticket for 25 rubies. Or up to you. You know, put on the roots with your best friends. Would you do me a second class ticket for 40 rubies. Or up to you, you know, you put on the roots with your best friends. Would you do me a second class ticket for 40 rubies? Sure. You suddenly question the marker, but it's too late. 40 rubies later and you have a

second class compartment, you both have the executive compartments and he sends you off to, I suppose, an elevator, I guess? Yeah, go to the elevator. Oh, guys, one thing. On these cruisers,

it's all expenses paid, but they tend to have outbreaks of just chronic diarrhea. You know, that's just an observation about cruise ships. That's not, again, there's not a quest hook there. Just saying, just stay away from the shrimp at the buffet. Do you want us to solve this mystery of the chronic diarrhea?

We'll do it. He whisks you away to some kind of abyssal elevator which takes you up to the top circle of the abyss. This is the Shadow Prime and there you can embark, and you can see, actually, docked on a, there's a sort of a giant tower leaning just off the side, making it look

incredibly unbalanced, this circle of infernal delights, and at the top of that tower is a small observation deck, and leashed to that tower is the largest anything that you have ever seen. A giant monstrosity of a ship glistening with pylons, strange architecture, gothic flourishes. It looks like... No, there is no... Glistening with shrimp. Glistening with shrimp. And there is a steady crowd of not just demons and fiends, but creatures of all walks of life, humans, demi-humans, and the stranger races, all queued in kind of orderly fashion next to an embarkation plank.

And just to be clear, is this a spaceship or is it like a dirigible? It's like here, it's a spaceship, it's in such low orbit of such a weak centre of gravity is the abyss that it is floating at tower level. Yeah, right. So there's a weak amount of gravity in the abyss? So could we jump from here onto the ship? No. Why not, Dave?

But by all means. There's such low gravity, Dave. Why can't they jump, Dave? Give it a go. Give it a go. All right. I can't they jump, Dave? Give it a go. Give it a go. All right. I'm going to jump. Just while this is happening, Bobby walks to his first class cabin. Yeah, there's no line for first class, right?

There's two porters. Yep. There's actually a small red curtain and there's one sign that says first class and one row says second and third class. Is jumping acrobatics, would you say? What did you get? I got an 18 plus 2 is 20.

How do you break your legs in space? Alright. Atrophy. Do I hit my legs on themselves? You guys are queuing in the first row queue which moves pretty quickly. Ah, bored! And quickly a waiter comes up and says, bored madam and hands you all cocktails. And a Rubik's queue.

Excuse me, I would like some shrimp in this, please. Let me just shrimp that up for you, madam. And he pulls out of a bum bag a fistful of shrimp. Of warm shrimp. That is not the way you should serve shrimp. It's a shrimp cocktail.

A fistful of shrimp is not a shrimp cocktail. And we have the name of the episode. So, Friso, while you are waiting in the much more cramped, larger queue for second and third class, you suddenly feel a gnarled hand on your shoulder, covered in rags. I don't like human contact. He says, beware! You spin around and you see a figure dressed as a

sort of... Do you think he looks like Jafar at the start of Aladdin? I think it's more like a kind of... Do you know I was like 12 when I worked out there with the same person? Jafar and Aladdin are not the same person. Yeah, it's a fight club situation. He looks like a kind of mad anchorite.

But in that whole movie, you never see Jafar and Aladdin in the same room. Except several times, but yeah, you're right. Wait, so who are the same people? No, it's Abu and Aladdin. Abu is his title. Do you guys know the really cool fact about Aladdin is that in that movie they never say the word genie? Not once. That's a lie.

That's a lie. His name is genie. The character's name is genie. Yeah, but they never say it. Anyway. They call him Robin the whole time. Who are the two people the same? They call him Mr. Williams.

The old man who's like, you know the golden rule, that guy, is Jafar. No. That's just like a guy who looks like Jafar. No, the old man who sings Arabian Nights is the genie. No, not the old man who sings Arabian Nights. The old man who's like, can we play some fucking Dungeons and Dragons? Oh my god. Do you think Jasmine's tiger is the same tiger that is the mouth of the Cave of Wonders? Oh.

Oh. All of this happens in Friso's head. Because he saw Aladdin briefly in the back of a limousine in Shadowrun. And he has some questions. Well done making this part of the world. Part of this world.

The mad anchorite. What little mermaid? Idiot! Wait, a little mermaid and Aladdin in the same universe? They never go under the sea. The anchorite. Also, the lyric is part of your world.

We should never do this twice a week. He says, he says, beware! He says, that ship is cursed and it should leave the dock and go back where it came. Where's that?

Oh, well it's not here. Carcosa! And he starts screaming carcosa. Dave, I would like to do, what is the check to see if someone's crazy or not? Perception. Give him a sniff. That's a seven plus perception.

With zero, zero, so seven. Impossible to tell. Surprisingly, Freeza, what's your charisma? No, the perception. Impossible to tell. Surprisingly, Freezer. What's your charisma? No, the perception. Oh, actually, no. You can make just a straight charisma check for me. So add your plus.

That's 11. Right. So in that case, he seems mad. He seems uncomfortable. But there is that uncomfortable glint that suggests a kernel of truth. Oh. How do you know that this ship is cursed? It is written in the stars!

And then he's dragged away. By who? By guards, by porters. What do the guards say? They say, alright, that's enough of that. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You're being very rude. And then he drags him away. And as he's dragged away

you see a kind of foppish man with no chin. And he goes, he was telling the truth, though, you know. The ship does come from Carcosa. All right, I'm going to do a sanity check on this guy as well. Is this Friso's new thing, rolling a dice to see if he likes people? Sure. I rolled a three, so I guess I like him. The madness he speaks of, the curse he speaks of,

how does it express itself? Oh, yes. Well, that's just crazy man talk, you know. You know, you have something come from Carcosa and all of a sudden everybody's going, oh, no, it's a curse. Just because people disappear, which they do, you know, they disappear on the ship. On most voyages, people will just go missing, but they do, you know, they disappear. On the ship. On most voyages, people will just go missing, but they go to port.

Wait, you just told me he was telling the truth. Yeah. I said he was telling the truth that it came from Carcosa and that some lesser, you know, second class, third class people. I hate you so much. And he's in the first class row looking over the sash. Yeah, he's actually glaring at you over the sash. Okay, I am going to quickly cast my instantaneous disguise self and become this guy.

He's watching you. You always do this. I'm going to become him. While he watches you. Okay, go. You break both your legs. No, roll the dice, roll the dice. That's a four. No, wait, no. It's his saving throw, actually. No, roll the dice. Roll the dice. That's a four.

No, wait. No, it's his saving. His saving throw, actually. Oh, okay, yeah. It's a three, so... Oh, I guess I win. All right, then... No, no.

Give me a second to work out what this means because the dice don't lie. I rolled a four and you rolled a three. Is it not a posed charisma or something? No, I think what this means

is he looks at you for a second Our older four and your older three. Is it not a post charisma or something? No, I think what this means is he looks at you for a second and he breaks into a smile because even though you're an idiot that you are, he's amused by your pilot tricks. He goes, I say that's funny. That's me. Yeah, that's very good.

Tell you what, why don't you come and dine with me and Martha and precious Bobathon tonight? I would love to. Guards, guards, there's an imposter here who's taken my space in the first class line. All right. And I sneak into the line. No, two guards show up.

You called for guards, right? Yes. Two guards show up and they go... What's he saying? Well, he says, ha, this is an imposter. Here's my first class ticket. All right, then. Everything seems to be in order. It's just like, then. Dave.

Everything seems to be in order. Sir, I would just like to see your ticket. When you cast Disguise Self... Yes? Do you get that ticket as well? Just a quick look at your ticket there, sir. Do you know what? It's actually fine.

It's a little prank, and it reminds me of my days when I was at Silly Man School. I realise, sir, that this might be a jake that you are enjoying, but all passengers must have tickets. Oh, yeah. Well, he has a second class. Yeah, I show the guy my ticket and say, what are you selling upgrades for?

Mate, you better be lucky that I'm not downgrading you because I can do that. Yeah, so no more funny business, impostering. Alright, there's enough nonsense goes on around here that we don't need... What was that? Dave, do we need to move on

or can I disguise myself as this guard? You can, but you're not yet on the ship. They can still refuse your ticket. I mean, like, you can do whatever you want, okay? I don't need this. If I would encourage you from this point on, let Friso be Friso, all right? Any railroading that I have done from this moment on in season four where I have tried to keep you with the party stop you from getting killed I am NOT going to do that anymore so what do you want to do this is like when your parents just say no it's fine doesn't matter yeah just go I don't care.

How long do I have to wait in line? Not long, five minutes. Oh, okay. No, I'll wait in line. How very big of you. Soon you make your way up onto the greeting deck, which is actually sort of a beautiful deck with some cocktails to be laid out and some wine.

Do we get lays? No, do you get lays? Do we get laid? Flower necklaces. Flower necklaces. Space flower necklaces. I think you get complimentary cruise whites.

So everybody comes up to you and they have a little suit that they've tailor made to you that isn't like cruise whites. What does Frasier get? It's like a P. Diddy white party. It's just like a nice, it's fancy. It's a fancy cruise.

Does Frasier get them as well? It's second class. No, you get a lay. What do they look like? Is it trousers and a shirt? You know the, you ever watch Jag? Yeah. A bit like that.

We're like members of Sea Org? Yeah. Yeah, got it. Interesting. Do you mean it's like Jag but without any of the military accoutrements? No, but it's got some nice lapels and, you know. So they're dressed in vaguely militaristic. All right.

Epilates. Do I have epilates? No, I spilled my cocktail on mine. Can I get another one, please? And then like, oh, should we describe what the port is? Yeah, so actually as you make your way up as well, you can see down below some little scurrying creatures run forward and they grab bags out of people's hands. Are you guys going to give them your backpacks or anything?

What do they look like? They're strange, hunched over. They're wearing incredibly sort of tight jumpsuits and they seem sort of sodden, glistening. But they're keeping their heads down so that you can't see them. But something looks a little strange about them. I just hold on to my bag. Okay, the rest of them sort of grab them and their bags, and then a tall man in a uniform of an officer with a brilliantly liqueur paper mask obscuring his face, imperiously points at them and they cow back, and then they

race the bags into a cluttered hold in the side of the ship. This is all happening below you. Meanwhile, another officer wearing one of the masks walks up towards you. Are you the lady who wanted another suit? Yes, and another cocktail, please. Did you spill one on the other? Yeah, well, I feel like that's pretty obvious. Use the clues. There will be one waiting in Madam's room.

What about my room? No, I... And then he kind of just thinks better of it and goes, yes, and I will send one to your room as well. A thousand apologies. Did Madam spill her cocktail as well? Oh, very much so. Are you guys going to make your way to your rooms?

Yes. Encumbered still by your bags, you make your way through, sipping cocktails, and you guys find yourselves in some charmingly laid out compartments with beds, about two to three rooms each.

You've all got a private suite. Do we have an adjoining door just so that we can check in on each other? Yeah, you guys have an adjoining door. Hello! Hi! I'm already wearing my robe, but it's too big. Hing, as you make your way down,

they give you directions and point you down to second class, which is fine. Second class is still pretty good, right? It's fine. How many stars are we talking? It's like a quest. The phone rings in Chris's room. And the

officer who's leading your group goes, now unfortunately we're at full capacity. There is 20,000 souls on board the Carcosa, on board the Saturn 9, so unfortunately in second class you will be bunking. Bunking? Yes, that is correct.

Are they bunk beds? Two to a room. So four. It feels like you planned this then. Well, if you've installed beds... No, no, no. It seems like you didn't overbook. It seems like this is part of your business model.

What, did you just conjure these out of thin air? Yes, it's fantasy. He breaks your legs. Frisofferson. Frisofferson. Frisofferson. Frisofferson. Frisofferson, yes.

Yes, you are in room 306329. And your guest... Oh, that's six numbers. Your co-bunkey. Do I need to remember that, Dave? It's 30, if you want to get back to your room, yes, 3073629 and Wait, you said that wrong. Yeah, you said it different. 303. Yeah, it's magic.

Three, what, okay, that cannon, what is it? What is the number? Zero three, five, four eleven, six, Canon, what is the number? Zero, three, five, four, six, two, nine. Nine. Pfft. And, oh, you wrote pfft. That's good.

How do you spell that? I just wrote fart. Your cabin buddy is already bunking down. And with that, he points to the door and leads the rest of the group off I want to make a good impression on my new cabin mate, so when I go in

Frieza's going to try and be like, cool guy you know Go on Don't describe it just show us what it looks like. So he opens the door. So you open the door and inside you see

surrounded by an unnecessary amount of bags with lots of equipment strewn around including books and papers, an entire weapon cleaning kit and lots of armor is a huge mustachioed dwarf. And to play that dwarf, because you lost your first character due to carelessness, is Eden Lacey. So I've given you a level six paladin dwarf.

You guys lose your characters, I just come up with new ones. You're a creative genius, Dave. This is, what did you call him? Hagdass Strength. Did you throw a dice with letters on it to come up with that? A surname like Strenmf suggests that you started writing it and kept feeling it wasn't fantasy enough and just threw on more letters.

All right, fine, whatever. You're a dwarf paladin, Oath of Vengeance. You said huge dwarf. What does that mean? Very fat Like a choked person Would he be spherical? No, he's just a big boy How big is his moustache?

It's bigger Is he wider than his torso? The moustache is balancing, it's very tactical It makes him look thin Wait, is the moustache wider than his face? Yeah, much wider. So it like curls up like this? No, it's like huge button chops.

It's like two discs coming out of him on either side. But no beard. It's all just clean shaven. It's a real clean chin. Could you put like a pen in there and it would stay? Oh, you would put several pens in. Nice. You could put a dinner plate on either side.

So Hagdar's strength looks up at you. Good evening, traveller. Yes, I always talk like this. Don't look at me so funny. Aye, it's good to have fresh meat on the ship.

Why, hello there. My name is Friso. And I trust you always talk like that as well. Yes, this is my voice and how I speak. What was your name? Hagtar Strentenf. My name's Friso. I'm a very charming man.

I can see that by the way you're leaning against the wall. Very charming. I'm finding myself charmed already. Tell me, Friesel. Yeah? What's your destination? I'm here to solve a mystery regarding some chronic diarrhoea.

Meanwhile... Up... Upstairs. Meanwhile, upstairs, as the poor folk lead their simple lives below decks, above decks, the rich, the privileged, the few are enjoying their elevenses because the officers are putting on a wonderful display. There's some... There's... I love your's face. More of the slippery, wet, aquatic little fish men. And as you've seen them now closer up,

underneath these incredibly tight jumpsuits, they're constantly sort of secreting this kind of viscous fluid. Their mouths are fleshy, toothless and wide. Their skin, palate, their eyelids transparent and they blink far too much. These little sort of men who are called gill men by the officers are rushing backwards and forwards offering trays of food, bringing people their luggage.

I pick one up and put one on my lap. Like I plonk it in front of me, one holding a big tray of food. What do you say? Hello. Are you a shrimp? Ugh! We didn't discuss if they could talk or not, but... Ugh!

Ugh! Would you say this is more of a flounder situation or more of an aboo situation? Great question. As you sort of tickle it under its disgusting chin

it sort of giggles and grins and its mouth cracks enormously wide and what you originally thought was toothless you now see that they have

rows and rows of razor sharp teeth just recessed very far back in their teeth. What your name? Me Phil. Me got two spare beds if you want to stay in this bed and maybe we strike a deal, you bring me unlimited shrimp

and you can sleep in one of my beds. And he kind of shies and like kind of shakes his head and gets off your lap and takes the train, scurries back. I'm going to call you Wet Boy. As Wet Boy scurries away, meanwhile, Bobby, you are having a conversation with the arrivals officer, who is again wearing one of these fabulous paper liqueur masks. So what is going on behind that?

Have you injured your face or something? Oh, that's... Well, sir, thank you for the very rude question. No, this is the standard uniform of the officers of the Saturn 9. As you should know from your ticket... Well, sorry. Sorry, and he just vomits. Very unwell. And then he gets someone who knows what he's talking about.

Yep, okay, great. Sorry about him. He's just been very sick. Yeah, he's my brother. He's quite unwell. When you vomit behind a mask, it's a... It's a nightmare scenario. May I ask where sir is departing?

I beg your pardon? Where sir is departing? One boarded, a little bit of nautical talk for you there, at the Abyss, we're about to take off. Where does sir... How long will sir be with us? I will be riding along indefinitely here on official business. I'm investigating a poo mystery.

Well, of course, as one knows, indefinitely is sort of the name of the game here. We do just circle the nine known planes. On a loop have been for several hundred years. So he explains to you the Saturn 9 is a giant vessel with a charter that has for the last 200 years made the six year journey of the nine known worlds. Everywhere from the blessed fields of

Elysium to the Bluffs of Chance, from the House Eternal to the Abyss from the Feywild all the way to Primus the heart of Planar Gulf. I see. And what's our next stop? We're four weeks away from Primus, sir. I see, I see. Very good.

And then after that? And then after that? The House Eternal. There'll be the House Eternal, of course. House of Turtle? I stick my head through the adjoining door. You're in the bar, aren't you? All the doors adjoin if you're in first class.

You've got a really long neck. You just keep walking. No, madam. House of Turtle? One big turtle, lots of little ones. And this is the same person that you spoke to before and he kind of knows you. He's like, yes, madam, the house...

Me not, madam. No. What is going to be accomplished in this episode of the podcast? Fun times with friends? I don't know. I was just having a fun time laughing at my friends' japes and jokes. So, yeah. Yes, man.

The House of Turtles. Four weeks off to Primus. If there's anything weird, anything at all, do so indulge us and let us know. Oh, well, thank you very much. And I hope your brother recovers speedily. Oh, yes. No, he's probably fine.

And with that, he sort of bows in a complicated gesture, barks something unintelligible at a bunch of the guild members, and they scurry off to get more desserts for people. Meanwhile, downstairs... A mystery, you say? Yes. Aye, well, I happen to be here. What does one do with a mystery?

Like, trying to solve it? Yes. I'm not looking for... I'm not looking for a mystery because I've found one. It exists. It's undeniable. You see, I'm here on a commission looking for a missing boy. And that, motherfuckers, is what a quest hook looks like. A lot of red herrings before this point, Dave,

to be honest. Did you say boy or bor? We're on a ship, so it's confusing. Oh. Do you mean... I pronounce it Bui myself. So there's... It's not a problem for me.

But for your benefit, it is indeed a boy. A boy, you say? Yes. A living boy. Who may float, but does not... But wouldn't... You know, if you left him, he would drown.

And who are you? Are you perhaps this boy's father? No, I am... Maybe this boy's uncle. I am just a doer of good. You know... He goes on to explain that he is... Just to be clear while Dave explains, a doer of good. He goes on to explain that he is... Just to be clear while Dave explains, the only notes that Eden has is the name

Haggar Stramp, a picture of a triangle, and the words Sean and Connery. Haggar goes on to... What's that triangle gonna mean? Haggar goes on to... What's that triangle going to mean? Hector goes on to explain that he is a vassal for one of the powerful families of Primus and that their scion, a young boy called Jeffrey Westminster,

once travelled on this, the Saturn IX, and made the journey from Primus all the way to Elysium, but never arrived at his destination. Now this, as we said, this is a six-year circuit, so it took another three years before his family knew that something was wrong, and at that point they incharged you with making this six-year journey

yourself, taking out six years of your life to investigate the mysterious disappearance of Westminster. Yes, I've searched the fields of Elysium. Elysium? Elysium. They're lovely this time of year. But I've been on this daggone blasted ship for three years now.

Well, actually, they also know that he never arrived in Elysium. He never made it. He disappeared on the journey. But if Primus is one month away, then I've been on it for a while. I'm nearly back. You are. Shite.

No, so you've been on this... You have been. You've been on it for five years and eight months. It's fucking ages. I've been on this shite hole. You just added another line to the triangle. Because, no. That's a dash.

Look, who knows what I'll write. Don't pretend you're writing notes. I am doing things. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. This is what Dave's been writing. So, indeed, you're one of the few who I can trust, I assume, for you have only just joined the ship.

But tell me more of your mystery. Gonna look like a real shithead now. Would a man who's this charming be a liar to you, do you think? You can trust me. But allow me to illuminate something for you regarding this missing boy. I heard quite a rumor on the docks

that this ship, why it's cursed. Listen, there's a lot of rumors go flying around, but I'm not buying any curse. I think someone is responsible for the disappearances.

As you can see, I've put things on the walls and there are bits of string connecting things. Yes, I was going to ask, because we're sharing this bedroom now, would you mind... Don't touch my things! It just seems that I'm paying for half of this room and, you know, it'd be nice for you to keep your sort of string and pictures on your side. Well, it'd be nice to get a massage out for my feet each evening. But it just doesn't happen, does it? If I give you a massage, we'll take down... Upstairs!

The night passes. You guys are let into your... By the time you're let into your bedrooms, it's already getting quite dark and you guys can rest. So if any of you have taken any damage, the night passes without incident. You don't need to worry too much about it. Dave, did any of the wet boys take me up on my offer? Very few to none. How many?

None. It was a pretty good offer. It was. Makes you think. It was a pretty good offer. It was. Makes you think. No, no. No webways visit you. And in the morning, you guys are able to join at the communal buffet,

which is first and second class accessible. Yuck. I say, looking at Friso. Oh, Fringe, hello. Oh, my God. hello. Oh my god. Why are you talking like that? Did you get something caught in your mouth? I've met a new friend and I wanted to be cool

so I put on a voice. You put on a voice for your new friend? Is this him? What's going on here Friso old chum? I've been putting on a voice this whole time. So this is your real voice? Yes. Oh, yes.

And Phil's just like, this is your real voice? I think... Me didn't think you could sustain character like that. Wow! I think so. I think this is my real voice. Maybe Frieza got locked jaw

in second class or something. Maybe he turned into a tired storybook elephant. Quickly, make for me a perception check. Bobby, because you're not having this conversation, you can make it with advantage. Everybody else, make it normally. I'll make it advantage.

Great. Nine for me, please. That's a ten. All right. You've got a good perception, though. Is your perception zero? Plus three. Or is it wisdom?

I got 18. 18, all right. Three zeros, yeah. Despite the fact that you're bringing this character, or maybe because of it, maybe it grants you new powers, you notice the man that you were having a conversation with before with the impossibly high chin,

who's frantically trying to get the attention of the officers, who seem to be walking past, ignoring him. And his awful wife is with him. Did you meet his awful wife? Because she's not great. Calm down, Martha. I'm talking to the man. I'm terribly distraught. I know, but I'm dealing with it

Yeah, no, no stop sir. Stop. No you and then they walk. They're just ignoring you. You can I get Excuse me. I will not be ignored Can anybody understand either of these yeah, yes, excuse me I Bobby runs up is like, um, do you guys in hand with anything? What's going on? We need a hand from you Martha, I'm talking to the little man I'm right in the middle It's so unpleasant

Just so the podcast understands Ben sits directly to my right Eden sits directly to my left They continue I don't need help from you I need help from one of these masked bastards. So, Friso calls over to Bobby. Yeah, I remember.

And says, let's do a trick. Okay. We'll disguise ourselves as these masked bastards. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we can fight. Okay, we run around the corner behind some plants and disguise ourselves. You come back. Disguise as plants?

So you come back. I know you guys both have different versions of the disguise self spell. Yeah, we both have disguised. All right, you disguise yourselves as officers, each with sort of paper and liqueur masks and packable dress uniforms. And I guess you throw yourselves in the deep end. Go at it.

You! Yes! One of you! Could somebody please talk to me? Sir, how can I be of assistance to you? Yes, finally. You're a bit shorter than the other ones. They're all roughly the same height.

What's going on here? Anyway, look. Please don't make fun of my friend's height. It's deeply offensive. I'm telling you what's bloody deeply offensive. My wife's having a fit. Ah! You hear that?

Sir, can I be the... Does he need a medical assistant? Can I be the first person to tell you that you deserve each other? He's never been talked like this in his life. Was your plan to disguise yourselves and then insult this distraught man? No, I said that sneakily enough that he could think that's a good thing. Yes, well, thank you very much. Make a deception check, DC-15. Or...

Natural 20, baby! Yes! Thank you. Finally! Thank you so much. Finally somebody's giving us the attention we deserve. Thank you. Thank you ever so much.

Now look here. I've said to at least 15 of you masky bastards that our precious Boniface has gone missing and nobody seems to care. Our precious Boniface. Our precious Boniface. Now that he says this... Except for us, we are heads of security.

Sorry, now that he says this, you seem to recall that on the other day when they were all boarding, there was a terrible looking kid in a sailor suit with a straw, a sort of blonde straw bob sucking a lollipop bigger than his face. And I know that sounds impossible, but he's really rubbery.

Did he jam it right in there, or were you just licking it? We're worried because he's scared and he's very stupid. Very stupid. Just a little bit of tennis. All right. What were your names? Yes, well, I'm... I am... That's Martha.

And this is my husband, Tolstoy. Tolstoy and Martha Kennedy. K-N-D-D. All right, while this is happening... K-N-D-D. K-N-D-D. So right, while this is happening... K-N-D-D. K-N-D-D. So there's no vowels in Sir's name? Don't tell me how to spell.

I was trained at the finest academy's finest. Didn't you? While this is happening. Didn't you go to silly man school? While this is happening. Filch, you have been left alone. So you have little, I guess, to do except to talk to Friso's new friend that he was introducing you to, Hagtar.

After the buffet. After the checkout at the buffet. Do they have any of them hash browns you get at good places? Yeah. Is there a shrimp hash brown? Or could I fashion one out of shrimp and a hash brown? There's some very cold hash browns and some very warm shrimp. I stayed at a hotel recently and there was a hash brown at the buffet.

Just one? No, yeah. Well, initially, and I was really embarrassed to be like, hey, there are going to be more of these hash browns, and then they brought a whole tray. How many did you eat? That story had no middle. That was the night that Ben slept at a McDonald's.

Hello. Sean Connery. You really must try... You really must try one... Is there a trigger word for that accent? Sean Connery. You really must try one of everything. Ah, why try one when one can try two?

Wow. Oh. It seems I've met my match. Mentally speaking. There's something fascinating about this half fork, sure. I seductively get a hash brown and put a pile of shrimp on top and another hash brown and then bite into it

like a sandwich? yeah like a sandwich you're using the word seductively there look you're not there to see it yeah I know but I'm here at the show and it does suggest that Alex Lee has done that very specific thing my question is Dave

are the prawns deveined? or do we have to do that ourselves? that very specific thing. My question is, Dave, are the prawns de-veined or do we have to do that ourselves? They are all de-veined, which is good because Phil has just eaten them like candy. Very good. With the little tail on at the end? Yeah, but her throat can play it.

At what point will she have to roll a constitution saving throw against a magic diary? I guess we will have to see. So Tolstoy and Martha are explaining, meanwhile, to these two officers that their precious Bonothan, they put him to bed in the cot in their compartment last night. He still sleeps in a cot.

I don't know if I've mentioned, but he's very stupid. And when they awoke, they discovered that he was gone and he would never have left the room by himself. He's too stupid. He's far too stupid. Handles. Handles befuddle him. They're like an arcane puzzle.

I don't know if we're selling how stupid the boy is. Sir, if you could maybe take us down to the room, we might be able to investigate for criminals. Finally! Nobody else has been helpful. Can I put in an official complaint? Yes, to me. Well, good. Everybody just muttered things and raised their hands in religious

fervour. Nobody wanted to talk to me. And as he does this, he's leading you down a sort of winding staircase back to the compartments and he as he does this, he's leading you down a sort of winding staircase back to the compartments and he takes you to his, which looks similar to yours. Opens the door, you see again,

three bedrooms and a tiny cot that would only have barely contained the child sitting beside their bed. That's where he sleeps! And as you see, he's not there.

Okay, I'm going to roll an investigation. Make an investigation check. I'm going to roll an investigation. Make an investigation check. I'm going to do... What did you get? I got 13. All right. Dave, this looks like it could be some sort of magic trick

because the boy couldn't get out by himself. So I'm going to do an arcana. You're making an arcana check. Arcana check. And you're making a... Which is 16 plus 5 is 21. Okay, so you can't see any signs of magic,

Friso. But you, Simon, it's obvious that the bed was slept in. Bobby can tell that much. But also, as you fiddle with the blankets,

they're sodden and damp and greasy and sort of a stickiness comes away on your fingers. Ugh. Sir, how old was your child again?

Patrick Bolles is ten years old. Okay. Let's rule that out then. Yep. Sir, I believe I have a lead. If you'll be so kind as to wait in the bar, we will come and find you. Yes, well, good. With your son in tow. Because I'd like to get drunk.

Very good, sir. And he just leaves, I guess. All right, let's search the rest of the room for clues. Oh, is Martha gone as well? Goodbye! What well-developed characters. Martha and Tolstoy Kennedy. Kennedy. Martha and Tolstoy Kennedy

leave you to their room, allowing you to further investigate it. Friso, I think this is a... Oh, and your costumes. Are you still keeping them on? Yeah, just in case. All right. I think this might be a wet boy scenario.

Oh, so you think that the... Wet boys. The wet boys are children. Sorry, are we still doing voices or not? I don't know. Oh, I've just dropped the voice for the moment. Okay, well, I don't want to. All right, well, I'll keep mine up then.

I was just thinking that if you said they're wet boys, you think all the wet boys, because there's another man who's looking for a missing boy, I tell you. I see. Maybe these wet boys eat boys. No, I think the wet boys are the boys. They're turning boys into wet boys? They're making the boys wet.

They are wetting the boys. Not on my watch. They're wetting the boys and feeding them bad shrimp, and that's what's causing this ghost of diarrhea. Six years. The distance from the blessed fields of Elysium back unto themselves. Six years.

The distance that is traveled by Lady Casilda's Ark, the Saturn IX. Six years in which Carcosa travel and ferry not just those wretched inhabitants of the nine known worlds, but the trade between those planes themselves. And yet, murder most foul and disappearances most strange has been committed, while the dragon friends find themselves increasingly not on the hunt. They're doing the best they can.

And what of Hagdar's strength can he provide the investigative clout that they require? And what of this shrimp that Filch is eating? Will that come back? And what about Frieza's accent? I mean, are we sold on it? Does it seem cool? Are we still on the fence? Impossible to say.

For the answers to some of these questions, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Prince. Thank you! Thank you! Oh my god! episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! Oh my god! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hinge and DM'd by me, Dave Harmon with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins.

Shakira Khan designs our website, Beth McMullen edits our podcast and sound and music this month were provided by Sirenscape's own Ben Looms.