Dragon Friends - #4.06. Inside Baseball

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Gliding deep through the inky void between planes is the Saturnine, completing once more her sisyphean tour of the nine known worlds. The Dragon Friends have little time to sample her many, decadent luxuries however, as a string of disappearances has them rattled and there's a mystery to solve, a child to rescue and... an open mic night to win?This episode features Ben Loomes from Syrinscape providing live (and, at times, very distressing) sound effects. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

200 years since the maiden voyage of the Saturn 9 proud vessel of Dim Carcosa. I was terrified. And now, the only remaining source of travel since the days of the Shard Treaty between the nine known worlds. For planeswalkers, flitting like angels through the celestial heavens. Transport is, of course, easy. But for those sodden, wretched, clay-feet souls, those destitute few, they are relying only on the magnificence of a vessel of 20,000 souls run by one Lady Casilda out of a sunless sea and into a voidless sky. You find yourselves, the dragon friends, with a new friend, Hagdar, and a mystery to solve and lots of warm shrimp to eat. But first, disguised as the officer class of that ship, a mystery seems to be afoot.

I just want to make very clear that Alex Lee paid attention to none of that. Yeah, but then I would have started paying attention, but then Ben started talking to me saying, this is really important, you have to pay attention. And he took up all that time I would have started paying attention, but then Ben started talking to me saying, this is really important, you have to pay attention. And he took up all that time I could have been paying attention by telling me I had to pay attention. And then you wrote one word and then handed it to me that said, summarise.

And then I whispered to you very hoarsely, he's doing that! What was that? Can you, what? I was distracted by the bit when... Oh, my God. I think the masks are lacquered, not licked. Yeah, look.

The masks... The masks are lacquered. I thought they were, like, the masks were just covered in Bailey. I was thinking... You know, everyone... Everyone I seem to know is doing, like, those paper masks, like the wet paper on their faces. Oh, yeah.

Like a Venetian. Very popular. No, like the Korean face mask. I imagine they look like the thing in that anime that everybody likes with the hungry man. I thought it was a... Spirited Away? Spirited Away.

The anime with the hungry man. Do you mean the parents who get turned into pigs? Is that what you mean? No, you know the guy with the mask? No face. No face. How many... I've seen that DVD cover. How many listeners did we try to lose?

Let's play a game. Can you describe any movie and let's see if we can work out what it is. Okay. What's another anime? Howl's Moving Castle? We're going to guess it. Do Evangelion.

What do you think Evangelion's about? I believe it is about a lady who should put on more clothes. If I'm honest. Because it's scandalous. I don't know! I don't know anime! Alright, inside first class compartments, Bobby

Friso with a disguise self spell and about 42 minutes left on the clock before it disappears, you are on the hunt. I'd say we find a wet boy and follow them back to where they come from. I think there's probably some sort of wet boy hive, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're all like fish boys, right? The gill men. The gill men, yeah. They're all like fish boys, right? The gill men? The wet gill men. They're wet boys.

They feel more amphibious. And the fish swim back to the hive. They'll be like some sort of nest of wet boys or something. So let's follow wet boys. Alright, so the gill men. I'm not going to... You've changed the names of so many things. I like

gill men. Gilman is good. What was the real one? Gilman! So when we were yelling about the boys are wet at the last episode, that wasn't... That was distressing. No, they've been called wet boys by Filch beforehand.

Filch's name. Oh, okay. So you know, canon. Canon. All right, so what are you going to do? So we creep out into the corridor. Yeah, I think we're just patrolling around and waiting until we see a stream of wet boys.

And if we see one, I think if they've got an empty tray... I swear to fucking God, Grant. If they've got an empty tray, that means they're going back to where they came from. I think we can pull... Sorry, I'll do... No one's listening! I'm like an actor who stays in character.

Marlon Brando? Does he do that? Bingo. Cool. I think if we see a wet boy, we can pull rank on them and tell them to take us to their manager. Oh, yeah, good call. Or their creator.

So you guys are searching around. It's quite hard to see. The gilman try to not be seen, obviously as the sort of wretched underclass on this ship. They try not to be seen around the first class compartments. So if I clap my hands and say wet boy, I mean gilman. Yeah, no,

even if you do it, it just resounds empty in the echo. Okay, so let's go down to the underclasses then. Okay. Should we get Filch? Sure. All right, so you're going to make your way downstairs? Yes. We'll grab Filch and Hargis as well.

Hagdar. We're like eating a shrimp lady, the trampster. Yeah, okay, while you guys make your way down. I've got the head. They're not very big. It's like that. Hector and Phil are enjoying a meal together. Yes, I don't know if you could tell this about me,

but I have a little weakness for buffets. It's a peculiar place, this ship. The personal realm of the Lady Casilda. A planeswalker, don't you know? That was me. I fell off my chair. Who's the Lady Casilda as a planeswalker? She's a planeswalker.

And she a person? Aye, she's here. She's the boss lady. She here on this ship? Yes, yes, yes. See, it's an ancient ship. And it's kind of peculiar. Wait, she's a ship or she owns the ship?

No, it's her ship. Is she ancient? Yes, she's quite old. What kind of creature is she? A lady. Like a human? I've not seen much of her, have I, Dave? No, Lady Casilda is never seen, indeed, on the ship.

The only way in which you can see her is if she invites passengers onto the bridge, which is otherwise locked off. In fact, large amounts of the ship are locked off to various different people travelling in it. Hell, you who does see Lady Casilda, those fellas with the pepper fishes, they're called the Favourite. The Favourite. Favourite,, they're called the favoured. The favoured. Favoured because they're her favourites. But they're just like workers.

No, no, no. They're like the taupe. They're terribly inbred. That's why their faces are... If you took one of those faces off, you'd be like, not hot. You'd be like, no, thank you. I will go elsewhere. Like eyes where a mouth is, that kind of deal?

So he explains the favourite of the officer class on this ship, and as such the only ones with access to the bridge in the private quarters of Lady Casilda. She refers to them as her children, and whether they are genuinely her progeny or just a group that she favors is impossible to tell. But what is known is that in the 200 years that the Saturnine has traveled, it has never once taken on a new employee. It makes its employees stock on board itself.

That is correct, passerby. Yucky. And Fields turns around and goes, Why aren't you butt out, nerd? I'm sorry, I'll just... You shouldn't eat that shrimp, goodbye. Mind your own business. So there's other...

By the way, that was just... Dave? That was the ship's doctor trying to stop Phil from eating as much shrimp as she is. Did you say, when Ben said that was, you said Dave?

I thought that was Dave Harmon. Dave Harmon in the, Dave Harmon, the doctor. Right. I know him very well because he fixed

my tongue earlier. In an incredibly non-sexual manner. Which, by the way, podcast, this is a reference to some fan art that was drawn

and not just a weird thing that I said so if you see the boys with the metal helmets they're the order of the billows

they run the great engines of the ship but they're all and the slimy boys they're the the gill men the lowest of the oh yeah

me dealt with a car system before frogs sucking each other's dicks off and whatnot. And if you haven't enjoyed our popular Twitch series, The Tomb of Annihilation, that is a reference to that and not just a weird thing that popped up. So, favourite up the top, they got eyes for mouths. Just quickly, the idea of, I've never thought about this,

but the idea of frogs sucking each other's dicks off, the way you phrased it, it sounds like they're sucking them clean off. You don't need to return to that. It's where babies come from. Two hours of Twitch stream. Okay, so Favet, and then what are the Helmy boys called? The Order of the Billows. Helmy boys, got it.

And then there's the Weddos. So the doctor walks by again just with enough time to say, all of these, as you said, these different occupations on the ship have essentially become caste. Inbreeding between the different ranks is forbidden, but so is breeding with the outsiders. That means that all children are void-born to their own class and the gene stock has become

incredibly thin, but by the will of Lady Casilda, we endure. Paging Dr. Harmon, fuck off! That was rude. I have had more wine than I realise. Just a small...

Just a small... Saying that? That could be the name of the episode. The smallest amount of respect. Like, just as a friend. It's not you, Dave. It's the character Dr Dave Harmon. And is there...

But sorry, just in line with that recent bit of information, is there, like, a bunch of Harmons just inbreeding? Creating a cast of doctors? They're talking about the cast of the Parliament of Harmons which is a middle tier sort of cast whose job is mainly gastro

but also exposition. Guys you can't see this but Dave's glasses have started to fog up again. I like that Dave's name Toblerone would say. Gastro slash exposition. Alright, thank you for that information. No worries, you really shouldn't eat the shrimp. And if you must eat the shrimp, please don't store it in that milk.

We are trying to have a private conversation. I mean, conversation. I mean, conversation. I've lost myself. All right. All right. Well, look. At that moment, two masked officers walk up towards you. Are you smooching each other?

I know what you're up to. One of them. One of them smaller than the other. Hello. It's us Hello, Filch Hello, Hagen What? Hagedar

How do you know my name? No, Filch, it's me It's Friso, I've stayed in character My god That's amazing character acting. Thank you. I feel like I'm Robert De Niro.

Me don't believe you nor do me know who that is. Ask me something anything only Friso would know. Ooh. The opposite of method acting. Oh wait, maybe. What's something only Friso would know? How many people have you killed?

Wait, no, you wouldn't know that. Have you ever given a total stranger a foot massage? Not yet, but... I believe there's an offer on the table. And it's me, Bobby. Friso, you're one of my best friends. What's my last name? I don't know if this is canon, but I think it might be Daggerford.

Ah, Friso, it's you. Of course you don't know my last name. A single tear wipes the coals down Filch's face. It's cool. It's just the shrimp. And do you know what? It kind of is. Can you just wipe a warm shrimp in your eye?

I wipe the tear from my eye with a shrimp tissue. It kind of is. Can you just wipe a warm shrimp in your eye? Yeah, wipe the tear from my eye with a shrimp tissue. Hi, Bobby. Hey, Freezer. So there's some sort of, you know, frog dick sucking situation here. I think you need to see a doctor, to be honest. Paging Dr. Harmon. Listen, what do you guys find? What's the mystery?

We solved the diarrhea mystery yet, or? No, but something much more strange is afforded. It appears children are going missing, and we think the little wet boys might have something to do with it. Poor Bonathan's crib was coated in their slime. Interesting. Very interesting. You know, people going missing on this ship

is no unusual occurrence. I know. I explained it to Bobby before. Let's assume we all caught up. But it's always... Old people never go missing. They just die regularly. It's always the young who... How would you know the difference between someone dying and going missing?

Oh, because when somebody, like an old person dies, they just do it in their sleep, and you go into their room and their body's there. But their soul or whatever you believe that into their room and their body's there. But their soul or whatever you believe that to be has left their body so they're just a corpse. But once you've buried the body...

Well, you remember where you put it. Sorry, sorry, sorry, no. Is Friso like... Is Friso a death truther? Does no one ever explain the concept of death to Michael Hing and that's why he kills so willy-nilly? I was going to say that maybe Hing slash Friso has this weird warped version of object permanence.

I mean, they're just going to go anyway. It appears I'm mistaken. No, if somebody dies on the ship, says Dave Harmon, the doctor. Is he paging over the tannoy? If somebody dies, I can't help but hear that you guys are saying, if somebody dies on the ship, which, you know, we've got an older clientele, so that happens. It's a wonderful ceremony.

We put them in a cannon, their corpse, and we fire them out... To the centre of the ship. Out into... Just directly up. Then they come back down. Yeah.

So the ship is kind of just littered with old people corpses. It's a very beautiful thing. We call it the silver rain. Yeah. So tell me, Hector, you're saying that beyond your boy... Plop goes the septuagenarian.

Beyond Westminster and Bonifan, other children have gone missing? Yes, always the young. I would say younger than 30 years old in human years. 30 or 13? 30. Is that right, Dave? Dr. Dave?

Oh, yes, quite right. Leave now. All right. Yes, the younger, yes. Young-ish. But very young for a dwarf Now there are again Gilmen all around in the catering area

Clearing trays Grab one I'll pick one up I'm like Bonifant is that you? And then I'm like You want a lollipop? Oh it's Bonifant

Can we show him a handle andipop? Oh, it's Bonifant. Can we show him a handle and see what he does with it? Give him the Rubik's Cube, see if he can do that. Okay. He eats it. I take him to a handle. Opens it. All right. And he scurries away

All right, let's follow him We run after him Can anyone talk? Can you do talk animals? I can do beast speech But not when he's running I've got to catch him first I'm running

Okay, so we run after this It's true You can't talk to a monster That's running away from you That's not fun That's not a joke That's just basic human interaction Which I've learned

If someone I don't know how many Fucking nerds have tried To yell at someone that's not fun that's not a joke that's just basic human interaction which I've learned if someone like I don't know how many fucking nerds have tried to yell at someone when they're running away from you I've made the mistake enough that I know you can't do it anymore

when they run you gotta stop Hing this feels like a gimme but I just don't think you're in any position to lecture people about basic human interaction. So,

you race down the corridors trying to keep up with the gill man. Can somebody make for me a, we'll call it actually a survival check. Who's taking lead? Me. Alright. Where'd it go? Oh there it is. Natural 20! I feel like every time we don't have

dice cam you guys roll a lot of natural 20. Look you can see it. Natural 20. Oh no that is true. You quickly, you're able to follow the Gill man and he becomes a bit agitated when he realises he can't, he's used to being able to sort of slip away and Now there's four people chasing after him.

He's becoming quite distressed and as he skids around a corner, he sort of you race around the corner behind him and you realise that it's a dead end and at the end of a short corridor with still like glistening sticky tracks leading up to it

is a bulkhead embossed with a sigil of a bellows and a gout of flame. What's a bulkhead? It's like a metal door that slams down. It's a case of explosive decompressurisation. How much of this podcast is just explaining nouns, to be honest? Well, it's very hard because sometimes they're like fantasy words that we've never heard before,

like scion, and sometimes it's just Dave pronouncing basic English incorrectly. I believe it's pronounced book-eed. Yes, he means bookshelf. Alright, so... Yeah, it's a bulkhead full of books. Is this a nine and three quarter situation, Dave?

Yep. So Fritz will just run straight in. You're going to run into it. I'm going to make a charge. Here we go. Yep, great. I roll a 16 plus my strength. Yeah, great.

Eight points of damage. How many? What dice? To the legs? Eight hit points of damage. Let me roll for it. What kind of dice did I roll? I rolled for it.

I got a six. What did you get? Eight hit points. Well, I me roll for it. What kind of dice did you roll? I rolled for it. I got a six. What did you get? Eight hit points. Well, I rolled three dice and got five. But okay, I'll take your one. How many damage did I take? Eight hit points. Oh my goodness.

So you said there's a bellows and what else is it? It's a bellows and a gout of flame. The sign of the order of the bellows. Yes, that's right. Yes, the help me boys. Indeed. Hector recognizes this is the sign of those blessed bellowsmen that operate the engines of the saturnine.

No, he disappeared, so presumably through it. So Bobby's going to just feel around the wall and tap on things and see if he can locate a secret entrance, given his roguish skills. All right, can you quickly make for me an investigation? So I'm just going to roll again. Oh, one. That was a one.

So that's a 16 plus investigation. That's a 22. Okay, you realise that just nearby the sort of embossed work, you can see that there is a kind of scanner that obviously needs some kind of card to open it. But as you do that, suddenly you hear footfalls around the corridor and as you spin around, you see three figures in scarlet, heavy

jumpsuits, laden down with lead patches, weighing them down to the ground, with formidable iron helmets, with their scowl drawn on them. Are these the Bellowsmen? These, you recognise, Hector, as three ranking

Bellowsmen. So in character, I say, alright, passengers, please step aside for ranking bellowsmen. So in character I say, all right, passengers, please step aside for the bellowsmen. They have important work to do. Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Why have you let passengers down here? These are errant knaves who have... I'm sorry, I have to do this so often,

but can we understand that voice? I'm just... Yeah, to do this so often, but can we understand that voice? I'm just... Yeah, it exists in basically some voices that are like here or here. This is like their hair. It's hair of your hair. It's very painful to do. It's a nice, brave choice,

and I'm very glad that you're trying to break out into new characters, and I'm not suggesting this needs to be a Hanna-Barbera character, but... Well, boo-boo. No, dial it. All I'm saying is, as your friend, dial it back 10%. All right, boo-boo. No, dial it. All I'm saying is, as your friend, dial it back 10%.

All right, boo-boo. Cannon, why have you brought passengers down here? We have not brought them. We are ushering them away. They have wandered away from their section. What are the Favoured doing in the realm of the bellowsmen? They are protecting the bellowsmen from prying eyes.

These two, this half-orc and this rotund jooff. You wish our guild secrets? You would come down here, spy on us? The bellowsmen cardinal has made it clear your kind is not welcome down below. And we wish no trouble from the cardinal. We only wish to

usher these passengers away. You would do wisely to do that now. I will then. Fine. Get off my nuts. We're all trying to do a job here. I'm sorry, I just...

It's a delicate ecosystem. We respect each other. You'm sorry, I just, it's... It's a delicate ecosystem. No, you're right. We respect each other. You're right. I just get so stressful. I just find disembarkation to be the most, do you not find it the most stressful part? I do. I think we can all agree on that, no matter what caste we're from. I'm sorry, you're doing a bang-up job. I'll just...

And may I just say that we will get off your nuts. Thank you, they ache so. This we will get off your nuts. Thank you, they ache so. This is us getting off your nuts. And this is us ushering away these folk. A good day. And may I just say, and he turns to the two undisguised and says,

Have a wonderful trip, and sorry you had to see that inside baseball. Nobody likes to see the sausage get made. Well, nobody likes to have first class passengers spoken about as if they are not there. Please accept these tickets to the comedy show. Oh, thank you, Ben. All right, fine. Who's playing tonight? Handles Hands you

Four tickets To the comedy show Why? These tickets seem to be performed By the Parliament of Harmons It's an open It's an open It's an open

Mic Comedy night In the In the In the the midnight room on the starboard deck. And first prize is dinner at the captain's table. A talent question, you see. I usher the guys around the corner very quickly, and then I peek around the corner to watch the bellowsmen as they open the door.

There are three bellowsmen. One of them takes from around his neck a heavy chain, and on that chain is a large, what looks like an old traditional key, but there is clearly something etched at the bottom of the key, and he holds it up to the signal pad, and it beeps twice red, and then the entire bulkhead groans, cranks, and opens, and you can see beyond it. First of all, you hear a rush of what sounds like flames, and red light pours out, silhouetting them as they walk into the engine holes, and the bulkheads clank closed behind them.

Can I throw something to try and, like, get in the way? What are you throwing? Yeah, that'll do it. What do I... Just a coin that I have. No, what do you throw? These are all useful items. What do you throw? These are all useful items. What do you throw?

My war trophy. All right. It is destroyed by the volcano. That was a pretty good shot, though, hey, to get it right at the right time. If it was stronger, that would have been a foolproof plan. Okay, let's go do something else. How will we get in there to investigate? I guess we need one of those keys

You do, you will need a key if you want to get through that Where can we find another bellow boy? I've got one right here Well, you should have said that instead of throwing your war trophy at a door That's not an appropriate use of canon I don't I don't know if this Are we really going to keep this up? Well, I don't know if this... Are we really going to keep this up?

Well, I don't know why we'd ever stop. This is a delightful voice to do. I would say there's about six minutes left of this spell. Okay, but I don't need to look like this to sound like this, all right? That's true. That's a shame. I was thinking, I don't know if you all caught this, but the winner of the comedy show

Later that night in the midnight room and the comedy show is in full swing. Your tickets have allowed you to not just enjoy the show, but you have priority access to the open mic. Hey, we're the family of Harmons. We're an improv troupe. This is me and my brother Dave. Yeah, g'day. Can I have a word? Any word? A word from the audience, please?

A gynaecologist! Yeah, great. Alright. Can I have a... Fuck doctor! Fuck doctor? I heard fuck doctor. And from the audience here, can I have...

Sorry? Come! Come! I heard come. So this is a scene that is set at the Fuck Doctors involving cake and cum. G'day, sir. Are you the Fuck Doctor? Yes, I am, sir.

Here is the sample you asked me to procure. Is that your lunch? Don't get them confused. Oh, no, I'll put this right next to my lunch. Oh, no. I've got a delightful cake to eat. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. And scene.

Oh, thanks guys. And what do the judges think of that? It's a two and two under one apparently. People are booing. Phil just rising to her feet. She's like I dropped my microphone. Phil's just very impressed the first time Phil's just seen improv

how are we going to beat them so Dave can I just ask out of the world do we know what the rules of this comedy show are it's the way this comedy show works is you get five minutes do whatever you want at four minutes

they'll flash a light that will tell you if you've gone too far at six minutes you'll hear a continuous bell now if you don't get up at six minutes and 30 seconds you are forfeit

however the best act of the night will get an invite to dinner at the captain's table with Lady Casilda and her coterie and yeah

that's been won every year for the last 12 years by the Harmony Improv troupe. Because as you just heard, they are very good. Not only are they good, they know what the crowd wants. So are we entering

I don't know. You've already entered as an MC. Are we entering individually or as a group? Tell me quickly what did you do? Individually Individually Oh Okay

You entered individually Very quick from you Which means all of you get no help Can we roll to see who has to go first? Well actually no you'll find out

because the MC is now getting on the stage to introduce the next act And the MC by the way just is world building Yep He's a favourite

He's a member of the favoured. Yeah. Oh, is it? Oh, is there a cast of entertainers? Yeah. I reckon there is. There's a whole cast of cast for the fuck. It's catching.

There's a whole cast of entertainers. And this one looks like the. What are they called? Give them a. They're called the cast of revelry. And this one looks like the... What are they called? They're called the cast of Revelry. And this one looks like the blue lady from The Fifth Element. All right. But does not speak like her.

And where do they sit in the... Is that cast? The bottom of... They're below the scum boys. They're below the wet boys. Yeah, that makes sense. The comedians are below the wet boys. Okay, so the Revelers.

And she sounds like this. She's like, guys, thanks so much for coming out and supporting live comedy. That was the Harmon. How did they come up with it? Right? Anyway, we've got a great act coming up. First time, so please be gentle. If you want to heckle, heckle me.

But don't go too hard. But honestly, this is nice. You suck! That's funny you should say that that because you're up next. Would you please welcome the comedy stylings of Filge! What's the improv stand-up called? You could have been a group. Oh, no, no side, no side.

G'day, everyone. My name's Filch. I know what you're thinking. Is it a beautiful princess crossed with another beautiful princess? Yeah, it's me. It's Filch. Filch is dying. Nobody, like, there is actually silence.

Any favourite boys here tonight? Give us a word. And then suddenly is actually silence. Any favourite boys out here tonight? Give us a word. And then suddenly breaking the silence. Is that a fart? It's the shrimp. Because it kicks in. Yeah, I think that's fair. Make a constitution.

Quickly make a constitution saving throw. You're on stage. Oh, boy. How does your fantasy sound generator have so many different sounds? What do I add to fart prevention? You need to. Is it constitution? Constitution.

She did good. Yeah, I got a 19. Okay, you hold it at bay with all of your effort. Yeah, me, Felge, me do sound effects, comedy. Yeah, any favourite boys in here tonight? Yeah, as I like to say about favourite boys, why don't you kiss each other and have a baby? That's weird.

I'll be found. Good night. This is the meanest thing we've ever done. MC is back on stage. You know what's fucking shit about this? That's like the first time I've done stand-up in about six years. And it went about as well as I could have hoped.

The MC back claps you up. Alright, thank you so much. That's Phil. I didn't shit myself! Well, she didn't. And now, let's give a big applause to our very little man, Bobby Pancake.

Everybody, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Guys, my name's Bobby Pancakes, but you may know me as the man of a thousand voices. Does anybody like impressions? Yeah. Let me know if this sounds a little bit familiar. I want to be drunk! My name is Tolstoy Kennedy. Some people laugh and they go,

that sounds like that guy who just embarked on the ship a day ago. On this cruise line of 20,000 souls. That sounds like Marumi! Tolstoy, you fuck. He's being you. And then you hear a voice from the back. Oh my God, oh my God.

He's got it. He's got it. Go on. Nobody stop this man. If anybody stops this man, I'll have them kill. Lights are flashing. You, there,

with the flashing light. Cut it out. Lights are flashing. You, there, with the flashing light. Cut it out. Now go on. Now to Martha. Hey, who's here? My wife. Hello, I'm shrill. And he's got you.

He's bloody... He got me. He got me good. So, once again... I'm a terrible mother. Once again, a stony silence from 99% of the audience and 1% of the audience are having the time of their fucking lives. And then the MC comes on and goes, Oh, well, it's so nice that you came out.

I believe your child's missing, so... Oh, wait, I can do him too. No, well, let's... We think he might be dead. Yeah, we take solace in different ways. Finally, and guys, I really need to emphasise, you've got to make it a lot of noise, keep up with energy, keep it going, build it have a wonderful day

I'm triggering Alex give it up for our last act his name is Fresno give a lot of hello everybody my name's Hello, everybody. My name's Friso, and you know what I was thinking the other day? I was thinking, isn't it odd that high elves all talk like this in this voice? You see, I've always met a high elf who's always like,

Oh, this is right up here, you know? We're quite charming individuals, you know? But you know what dark elves sound like? Dark elves... Oh, not like that, guys. No, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, no, that's... The crowd is starting to turn.

You have to come up with something. Oh, no. No, I just... I just... And you know what? One of them gets up and he's like... In this PC culture, you just, I just... Wait, get off! One of them gets up and he's like... In this PC culture, you know, a joke's a joke

and sometimes people are going to say things that offend you. And the crowd starts getting on your side. All right, but it seems like we can't say anything anymore because everyone's like, a precious snowflake, are they? And clapping, like, clapping from these rich, privileged people starts happening. Yeah, you start realising that the more fucked your comedy is,

the more that these privileged, first-class shits are loving it. You know what I want to do? I want to get all those little wet boys, and I want to line them up, and then I'm going to just... I'm going to set them all on fire is what I'm going to do. That's what you want to do. Light up all the things from the ocean and burn them.

Yeah, that'll teach them a good lesson. Because that's what they deserve because they're different from us. This is... The crowd starts to chant, Kill the wet boys. Kill the wet boys. Kill the wet boys. Kill the wet boys.

Kill the wet boys. Yes, well, that's what I've always been saying It's sort of turned a little bit from a comedy show Into more of a rally now And the host comes out And she says I look like the alien that's blue in the fifth element Reminding you of this How would they get that reference?

I don't know. That's one of the movies they show at movie night. No, actually. On the ship. I look like, sorry, I need to clarify because it's a good question. Because also if she thought that and that was gear, she would definitely have found out what the blue alien in Fifth Element was called. No, I look like the blue alien in the fifth element is by a staggering chance

words that don't mean that but sound phonetically like that in her language. And it means, what a wonderful comedy performance we've just heard. And she says that in her native tongue. Canon. Canon, Canon, Canon, Canon, Canon. Canon. Cannon.

Cannon. And then what does she say, Ben? She says, judges, what have we got there? Burn the white boys. Burn the white boys. Burn the... No, is that... Sorry, were you guys saying wet or white?

They said wet boys. They said wet boys. They said wet boys, Hing. Yeah, no, that's what I was saying. The fantasy race. Yeah, no, I was saying... For those of you on the podcast, the ear jockeys out there, this is what two bottles of wine sounds like. More terrifyingly, Michael Hing is completely sober.

Congratulations. You have started something here tonight that will not quickly be ended. But for now, for the price of potentially the lowest and most persecuted class of employees on this ship, you have won four first class tickets to dinner in the captain's table. Four first class tickets to dinner in the captain's table. We just keep winning. And Filch turns to Friso and says, is this hollow feeling in me tummy the feeling you get after every comedy show?

Yeah. And then Friso just kind of weirdly drops all character and he goes, yeah, a couple of weeks ago I was at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and I did this show that I thought went really well but then later on I was just sort of sitting alone in my hotel room and I was flicking through channels and I found myself watching House Hunters and that made me happier than the comedy

and I thought maybe I should just move to Shanghai and do League of Legends commentary. I don't know. Anyway. And in six months' time, if Hing has left the Dragon Friends and become a shoutcaster, we all know why. So I predict that I'll pivot to the alt-right, by the way.

I think I've got a good YouTube trajectory going. You're going to go the old PewDiePie route. I'm going back to stand up to do fart and poo-based comedy sounds. That night, as guests of Lady Casilda, fine evening went. Oh, this worked. In the Carcosen fashion. If it didn't work, you just incited a riot for no reason.

Chaos, Dave, chaos. And fine evening wear is laid out for all of you. And in fact, as a winner, sure, why not? Hagtar, Friso, you are promoted to first class suites. And you all are given... I'm going to have to take these strings down. And the porter's like, oh, sorry, sir.

Somebody will be with you to take your insane board down. Very good. Your madman scribblings will be secured. See that they are not tampered with. It's very... Okay. John Connery.

Did someone say dinner? And fine evening wear in the Carcosen fashion is provided for all of you. And then a carriage sent to your compartments, each of you, to escort you through the many bulkheads up into the bridge, that hallowed place of the favoured

and the stomping grounds of Lady Casilda and her favourites. Dinner is served in a sumptuous dining hall of rich mahogany and fine brocaded linen. And there's a pig that's like a chef and he's making dumplings. We're expecting that. It's vegan. I should hope so if a pig's making it. If it was like pork, that'd be fucked. Is Lady Casilda there?

You can see beyond. There is a set of kind of beautiful brocaded screens. And behind them, because they're semi-translucent, you can see a figure in a black dress holding a mask to her face, surrounded by officers of the favoured class. And there are small tables around. This is sort of pre-drinks before the dinner proper. Oh.

Let's get in there and introduce ourselves. I think Frieza's going to want to impress this lady as well, I think. But he's going to wait. He's going to get the lay of the land first. I already picked up the screen. I'm like, hello! We won a competition. Oh, yes.

My favourite guest, competition winners. Yes, that's what makes the job worthwhile, meeting the comedy people. Did you know that for the past 60 years it's been the harm and improv troupe that's won? I would say, and not to offend you, but graciously waved their ticket to the high table. I'm waving it right now.

Hello. We won. So very, may I say, very interested in meeting the pig chef. Would like to do that. This is my friend Frizo. You don't need to talk to me, the captain of this ship, if you want to meet the pig chef. This is Lady Castel. I don't know what the pig chef is called,

but if I had to guess, I would say it was a sort of a cursed animal that I, at some point maybe in my 40s, hexed for my amusement. Very fun. It's very funny, isn't it? Very cool of you. And you would know.

Tell us a joke. Most of me comedy, very sound effect based, very cerebral. Should she not be doing constitution saving? Thank you, constitution saving. That's a one. That's a hot number one. That is a...

That was an excellent... I tell no lies. That is a one. That is... What does Lady Casilda do? So she shits herself everywhere? Not Casilda. Wait, Casilda does?

No, you do. Yes. So I've just said... Sorry, to take it out of the world for a second. I have just said... Yeah, don't ruin the fantasy. Casilda... No, sorry.

To put it back into the world, Casilda has just said, tell us a joke, and Phil just gone, here we go, and then shat herself. Considering that's my line of comedy now, that feels like a natural 20 response

rather than a 1. You know, a comedian that shits themselves as a joke is a kind of prop comic. I'm an organic prop comic in many ways. I think Frieza was going to try and step in. I'm just going to bow and back out very slowly. Leaving a trail. Well, that's what's funny now, I suppose.

I know. Isn't it just awful the way these comedians talk? now, I suppose. I know. Isn't it just awful the way these comedians talk? Hello, I'm Friso. Whomst? Whomst are you? And she leans forward and inclines her mask just for a second, and you see a flash of alabaster skin. Oh, no, my name is Friso.

I'm just as charming as you are. See, that's not typically something a charming person says. Well, if you think that, then maybe you don't think you're very charming. Would you like to be ejected? Like, not from the room, but out of an airlock.

Directly up into the air, and then back down like an old person. No, I was just saying that I agree with you, that it's a shame these comedians nowadays don't have good old-fashioned humour like I do. Okay, well tell us a joke.

I was three wood elves walk into a bar. Oh, I love this one. And you know how Everyone be quiet. The elf is telling a joke. The room goes quiet. And he won a competition. I never thought I would be so grateful to be shitting myself at this moment.

No, give him a spotlight. Reginald, make the microphone louder. The elf man wants to say a very funny joke. Yes, my lady. Here we go. You see, three wood elves walk into a bar And you know how wood elves have Ah, the set up

Keen senses and intuition And fleet feet that carry them quickly And stealthily through native forests Are you in desperation reading the player's handbook? Yes, yes. And next comes, and she whispers to her courtiers, next comes the turn, and then the prestige. That's where I was going.

And you know how sometimes wood elves are also known as wild elves, green elves or forest elves? I am losing interest. Well, three of these wild elves walk into a bar and the bartender says, would you like a drink? And the wild elves, they say, what did you call us? And he said, would you like a drink? And the wild elves, they say, what did you call us? And he said, would you like a drink? And he said, no, we're wood elves, not Do you know, I think this is some of that wonderful anticomedy I've heard so much about. I love it.

Bring these people to my table. And you are ushered to the dining table as the meal starts. Oh, wait. The shizzing one. The fork is going to come. Hose her down with the hose. I quickly cast a charm person. Oh, okay, great.

Oh, wow. Let's roll some dice. No, you don't need to roll. What's the saving throw for your charm person? 17. Oh, okay. Well, she only rolled 14. So the spell takes hold and Lady Casilda suddenly looks askew

and for the first time sees a halfling dressed in a jumpsuit with a crystal bracer. And who is this man with a tiny butt? Finds in that moment intriguing. Bobby hears that and says, excuse me a moment, I think I dropped something, and turns away and leans over. And she goes, mummy like! And she beckons with her hand

and somebody hands her a tequila slammer. My good lady. She beckons with her hand and somebody hands her a tequila slammer. My good lady. She beckons you forward. My good lady, I am Robert Pancakes at your pleasure. Yeah, you are. Do sit and sup of my meats. Yucky! And she cuts a chair right beside her, which actually

has an old admiral with a monocle. She's patting his lap. I sit on his lap. She's inviting you to sit on his lap. I sit on his lap and I grab his long, luxurious beard and throw it around my neck like a beautiful scarf.

Hush, scarf. The lady is talking. I never. So what brings you to my ship, my little snack? Well, my lady, sometimes a little snack just wants to be gobbled up. I thought this sumptuous luxury cruise was just the place for a little gobble. Now do be honest with me, Robert Pancakey Boy. My lady?

What brought you to my tables? It seems like fate. You know I craft the only ship in the entire known nine that will ferry people from plane to plane, and I do it out of a sense of goodwill. Is it perhaps my philanthropy that brought you here? And she's sort of fidgeting with her mask. My lady, though your philanthropy is well known, it is your great power that is so attractive

obviously these upper crust people who flock to your ship they come to try and grasp onto a little piece of it shut up Clyde and I I just wanted to admire it Shut up, Clyde! And I... I just wanted to admire it from as close as possible.

And she leans in impossibly close. Now, the space between you is occupied only by a thin mask of ivory. I see this is ivory. Yes, it's not ideal. My lady, I hate the boorish elephant. It is overrated as a creature and its demise cannot come too soon.

You must take me now. And there, on a table... What are we doing what? That's a really good question. So, as Bobby does his duty... Behind a scene, semi-translucently. Yeah, I think I've already backed away

to clean up the shit on my butt. So, I mean, up with Freezo in the shadows. How many of the people are in the room? I'd say about 30 of the favoured. And are they Is everyone just watching their boss fuck on a table? How many of the people are... There is, I'd say, about 30 of the favoured. And are they...

Like, are they all watching... Is everyone just watching their boss fuck on a table? Definitely! It hasn't happened yet. No, that's the interesting thing, is while they are engaged in very pre-fuck manoeuvring... This show has been so horny lately. It's a really horny show, isn't it?

I would just point out that Gabe's wife is away and has been for about a month. Shut up. You'll fuck when I tell you to. Puppets! You're all puppets! No, the... You do get the sense...

Shut up! You do get the sense... Shut up! You do get the sense that the... This is not the first time that the lady has had her favour here. And in fact, it is just part... There is a kind of orgiastic energy in the air. The favoured are... As I said, they only can find themselves attractive by ship lore. And these are the gatherings that make the job worthwhile.

And so this is kind of not unreasonable and not out of the ordinary. So it's not out of the ordinary. That she would take a mate from the crew or the passengers. And is their job to watch or to look away at this moment? They're out to score themselves. Are they allowed to do it, the favourite? Amongst each other, yeah. Okay, right.

They're out to score, so they're getting into it. So everyone's pretty distracted. It's a real Tom Cruise situation here. Yeah, yeah. This is the party. Sorry, eyes wide shut. If there was a party where Friso should have tried to start a key party, this was it.

Friso's poly now. Can't not read the signals. So me and Friso are going to back away. Back away. And people presumably are taking off their clothes to fuck? In some of the more shadowy corners. A lot are just drinking. Some are gambling.

So let's sneak into the shadowy corners and take... And fuck. How would that work? I'm joking. I'm covered in shit. It's fine. Friso, me got an idea. All right, Filch.

Well, is she the captain of the ship? Captain and owner, I believe. Lady Casilda? Lady Casilda is the captain, owner, and creator of the ship. That means, is she fucking Bobby? Me the captain now. Let's go and take control of the ship. I just think there's going to be some doors we need to get through first.

So why don't we take some, why don't we rifle through, look, this guy's already come and he's passed out. He's spent. Let's rifle through his pockets, grab his keys and get out of here. All right, let's do it. So you do actually, so you're looking for like a passed out. A lot of them are taking narcotics. There are a few.

One of the guys is smoking a cigarette and he just kind of has an apple. Is it all favorites or are there helmy boys as well? No, only the favorite. Okay, so we... And this is... And we get a mask each. This is the court of the favorites. So do you take off the mask of somebody?

Yep. There's a corner. Do they take off their masks to fuck? No, but most of them don't. That seems polite. But if you've taken off a mask, you've seen a face, right? Most of the corner. Yeah, there's eyes where their mouth is.

I'm getting to that. We are interrupting you, David. I know, I've noticed. And we will stop. Most of the favoured. This is number two, so. Most of the favoured are, as I said, some of them are fucking, some of them are gambling, some of them are enjoying strange narcotics, a bunch of them are breakdancing.

Yeah, there's a competition going. Nude breakdancing. You find in one corner a small group of them that have passed out from powerful narcotics, and as you pull masks off their faces, you see a terrifying face replicated again and again and again with hideous disfigurements and strange fearful symmetry in their features.

Do we recognize the face? It is the same face again and again and again. For this has been, the gene stock has been depleted so badly amongst the favored, but you pull off four masks and you also pull out of the pocket of one of them a low, thin chip card that seems to be the way that they of them a low, thin chip card that seems to be the way that they travel through the ship, similar to the ones used by the Bellows men as you back your way out. So we're going to run to the bridge then?

You run out of the bridge. Oh, this is the bridge. Where's the steering room or whatever? We're going to find that. Oh, you want to find the helm's room? The helm's room, yeah. Right, so make your way. Wherever the captain would, like, captain the ship from.

It's usually, like, top front. Yeah, top front. Wherever they've got the vision. You know how it's like, on screen. So this is the Helm's Room. And so as two of the dragon friends make their way to the Helm's Room with four masks, one under each arm,

dressed as passengers as they were, another of a newly seconded member of the dragon's friend, what have you been doing? Just, uh, just snacking. Continues to snack whilst a... What have you been snacking on? Just snacking on, uh, just bloody canapes,

petit four, uh, holst duvres. And meanwhile... All of these, just looking, just watching that little man get amongst that big old planeswalker. And if one could take for a second a brief holiday behind the eyes of one Hagdar Strynmuf, one would see a sight not often seen in the nine known worlds of the shadowy silhouettes of a halfling and a 200-year-old scion of a proud Carcassian family rutting like animals amidst the fine steams, fragrances and incense

of a lost, dim world off the hiatus in a strange land forgot. As bestial shapes form and reform. As the steam does rise. Picture the horniest thing you can. Then multiply it by like six. Imagine your wife is in America for a month. And you would see the most erotic Dungeons & Dragons ever performed on any stage, as was performed that night by one halfling by name of Robert Pancakes, who was known to the dragon friends.

Thank you! Oh, my goodness. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing, which is me. Our DM is David Herman with NPC voices by Benjamin Coleman Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website. Beth McMullen mixes our podcast. And this episode featured sound and music by Syrinscape's own Ben Looms. See you next week. Bye.

I mean, next fortnight. Oh, goodness. Leave it in.