Dragon Friends - #4.09. Freezo's Funhouse (Part 1)

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

This was a terrible idea. DM'd by Michael "Freezo" Hing with special guest Gen Fricker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, look, so here's what happened. First of all, we're very, very sorry. Dave, and I do feel like this is really on Dave, let Hing DM an entire show. The first half of the show, the second half of the show, all of it was DM'd by Michael Hing. There's no different Michael Hing, it's the one that you're thinking of. So that's what you're about to listen to. You're about to listen to the first half of that show featuring Genevieve Fricker. Of course, if after listening to this, you'd like to support the show for whatever reason, you can head to www.patreon.com forward slash dragon friends, where you can become a Patreon supporter,

maybe pledging your money with the condition that this never happened again. But that's obviously up to you. Okay, here it is. Welcome to Friso's Funhouse. Everything in the universe is quantifiable. What do you mean by that? Like, if everything is quantifiable, but everything contains all the properties of everything,

then things that are unquantifiable must also be there. So how do you explain that? Because nothing- I'm just trying to understand your world. Nothing is unquantifiable, Dave. What's great about that moment is that the people who've never seen it before just think Dave's a shithead.

From the first expansion of matter and energy through space until the last particle of light finally dies away, we are all, and we're all left in cold, lonely darkness. Everything is just a number. And so Friso, the bravest and frankly most capable of the Dragon Friends, is now sort of captain of a cruise liner in space, having gooch-punched the previous operator into the gaping maw of a shard. I wish you were making that up. I mean you are, we all are.

It's all meaningless. Indeed, there were rumblings among the crew. They say power corrupts, but that is only ever said by the weak. It's the kind of thing someone says six months after a friend is promoted at work. It's not really the kind of thing Zeus declares from atop Mount Olympus. So as Friso's promises of a standardised work day,

eight hours work, eight hours rest, and eight hours fucking and sucking, ring out across the Saturnine as it speeds towards Primus. It has become increasingly apparent that this particular High Elf Warlock... Eight hours! It's the best workout money can buy. Oh, my brain rule, let me stop! It has become increasingly apparent that this particular High Elf Warlock does not actually know

how to pilot a ship. And now that the shard that powers the ship is fully recharged, Friezo has declared full steam ahead. That is, until one of the lowly bellowsmen pipes up. Now Ben, this is your first character for this evening. Uh-huh. His name is Bellowsman One. Uh-huh. Is this a character that I've done before?

No, it's a new character. But I've declared him, he or she has a librarian's voice. A librarian's voice? Look, I don't make the... I do make the rules. This is the greatest! Excuse me, Cardinal Frizofferson. Any particularly spooky librarians around where you live? The only library in my

precinct was in a haunted castle when I was growing up. Are you sure you want to be going this fast? I know you said you were in a rush to get to Primus, but it does feel like full steam ahead is a lot of steam. Now Ben, you can choose to play Friso

in this world if you'd like or I can... How dare you fool! Pretty good, pretty good Friso. I should have you baked into a Viennese loaf. There, tie a brick to the accelerator then tie that bellowin's foot to the brick. Then Tiki's mind can understand you. Also, has Hing scripted this entire show for maximum control? I feel like Dave gives you all too much freedom. There's 15 pages here. Welcome to the reading of the live radio play by screenplay I've written, guys.

The story of one beautiful improvising podcaster. Already since Smithens Day? That's a deep cut. Basically. Hing, you do you. Okay. As always, you do you. And Bobby, that is the last thing you remember before you wake up.

No, no, you probably need to say the last thing. They didn't understand it. How dare you fool. I should have you baked into a Viennese loaf. You there, tie a brick to the accelerator. Then tie that bellersman's foot to the brick. Then tie his other foot and strap it beneath the brake so he can't break. Then strap his hands to his own butt.

Like into his back pocket so he can't undo the straps. That's the scene setting. Yeah, right. And Bobby. Page two, everyone. Do I just pass out in terror? And Bobby, that is the last thing you remember before you wake up. Some notes.

So you have the unshakable sense that this world that you arrive in is in decay. The air is damp and you are lying on the ground in the cold mud. Can you make a perception check for me, please? Yeah. Let's see. Hot seven. Hot seven. Ooh. One to seven is you are alone in the mud. Can you make a perception check for me, please? Yeah. Let's see. Hot seven. Hot seven.

Ooh. One to seven is you are alone in the mud. You can't immediately recognise anything around you, but it feels very familiar. Hello? Ooh. Interesting. He chooses to speak.

Suddenly, you hear a voice ring out, and Dave, this is your bit. If you'd like to read your lines. Wait, am I the only one who doesn't have lines? What? It's got to be improvised, you know? It's got to feel live. This is me? That's you there.

Dave yells out. Help, help, I'm a sad boy who's scared because I'm weak and pathetic. You really captured the essence of Dave. Thank you. It's me, Dr. Dave Harmon from the Parliament of Harmons. I'm... Read it!

It's the same... I'm a sad little weak boy... who cries for his mummy and misses his baby bottle. Do I... Alright, there's the last one. Also, my penis is real crook. Alright!

And at that moment, Bobby, you see a terrifying duck... This is fucked. You see a terrifying duck and figure standing over that pitiful and sickly cleric. By the way, Dave, this is your character sheet. You told me to make a level six cleric? Yep. Yep, all right.

I was Dr. Dave Harmon from the Parliament of Harmons. The darkened figure is tall and so dark as to almost draw the light around it inward. The only light coming from its body is a sigil across its forehead, a carved X that glows red. Its massive claws are pressed up against the new victim's throat, and he utters a truly threatening cry of execution.

Now that's what I want from you. You want me to play the shadow? A truly threatening cry of execution. Mm-hmm. I'm just thinking about all the voices that Twitter requested today, and some of them were Shadow Demon-esque. I think the closest one to Shadow Demon is one Hanna-Barbera property by the name of Huckleberry Hound.

So, I'm a Shadow Demon. I'm real angry, like. I'm so furious, I'ma crush my victim in my little paw. Pretty good. It's pretty good. Am I the victim? Yes, you're the victim. I've got Dave here.

Had I known the state of Dave's penis, I would not have picked him up to begin with and let him suffer in a crisis of his own dicks making so Simon now so what do you want to do you raise away for a month what the fuck is that you reckon you recognize dr. Dave Harmon because you made him on you met him on the Saturday night.

It's not so dark that I can't see him? No, it's just the demon is dark. Oh, okay. Because he's a shadow demon, you see. I grab a glob of mud and hurl it in the demon's eyes. And I say, eat dirt. Or more specifically, mud. Of which dirt is a more specifically mud. Of which dirt is a

very large component. The other being water. You shout all that. I'm discombobulating you. The demon is certainly distracted by that. So Dave, that gives you an action. You can do something you feel like. I duck out of his claws. Okay.

Okay. Do you recognise Bobby? Yeah. You're not going to make anybody roll for anything? The team was distracted. I gave David a free action. Sure. Alright. This is just a bit like a...

A bit like a... A bankrupt bakery. No rolls. Corrupt bakery. No rolls. You can hear their contempt for you. Also, surely it would go out of business because I wasn't selling the rolls, so there'd be a surfer out of rolls.

You don't know the backstory of this bakery, don't I, man? No, you don't. They went out of business because the baker sold the rolls for too cheaply. Mr. Pancakes, you've regained consciousness. This is just a figment, a fragment of your nightmare. We need to destroy it. Wait, what? So you guys want to fight the demon? Yeah, and then I'm going to fucking cast a spell at it.

Oh, shit. All right. Yeah, cast a spell. Hang on. I'm going to cast light at it. Oh, shit. All right. Yeah, cast a spell. Hang on. I'm going to cast light because it's a shadow demon. All right. His armor class is 13. Yep, so I'm going to dazzle him with light.

All right. I guess the... Is that a saving throw? Is that he just gets dazzled? I believe... You're the dungeon master. But if a shadow demon has light sensitivity, then I would imagine that it has disadvantage on attack rolls.

While in bright light, the demon has disadvantage on attack rolls. Alright, so how bright is this light you're making? Don't clap him! Alright, well he has disadvantage on attack rolls. But he is going to use his claws to attack you, his original prey. So he dashes towards you and he rolls a six and a one. So the one is the one that counts. And he misses.

That's a critical fumble. Yes. He swipes at you, but I guess he just hugs you a bit. And he's like, I am not too proud to admit that this was not my original intention. I am not too proud to admit that this was not my original intention. So now you're being hugged by a shadow demon. But this is nice. That's not incredibly different to how the scene started, is it? No.

No, I guess not. But Bobby, if you're up, what do you want to do? I'm going to make a dash towards the demon. You have all your equipment. I've got my equipment, okay. And with my short sword, I'm going to slash at his towards the demon. You have all your equipment. I've got all my equipment, okay. And with my short sword, I'm going to slash at his Achilles tendon. Alright,

do an attack roll. You've got to beat 13 as an armour class. Ooh, I did not beat it. What's your attack bonus? Not enough. Oh, alright. So you slash at his Achilles tendon. I guess you're... Is it a critical fail or just a normal fail? It's just a regular fail. Alright, so your dagger... Is it a sword or a dagger?

A short sword. Your short sword gets lodged in his boot. Wait, he's wearing boots? Boots and nothing else. Well, I wouldn't have gone for his fucking ankle if he was wearing boots and nothing else. I'm being hugged. I'm being currently hugged by a naked shadow demon wearing boots. Thigh high?

How high are these boots? The boots go up to his penis. So, waiters. I found that wearing one atom of clothing accentuates my nakedness. Oh, this is fucked. Is it me again? Yeah, you're up. Oh, all right.

I'm going to cast... I hope people who are drawing the monster are adding boots. I hope they're accentuating the nakedness. I'm going to cast Guided Bolt on this thing. Just quickly, how crook is the demon's penis? Yeah. Oh, it's actually perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with it.

Define a normal penis, just out of interest for me. Like normal amount of prongs, normal amount of... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Normal amount of barbs. Normal amount of barbs. Just normal. Secret prongs, normal amount of... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Normal amount of barbs. Normal amount of barbs. Just normal. Secreting the normal amount of oil.

Yeah, yeah. Singing a normal tune. Tune to the B flat and... All right, guiding bold, plus six. And I rolled a seven plus six, 13. Plus 13, that hits. Yes. So, aww, what kind of damage is that?

That is radiant damage. Oh, fuck you. I'm sorry, Hing. Oh, this guy's vulnerable to radiant damage. You realise that as the Dungeon Master, we're not fighting each other. Dave, how naive. That actually explains the past four years.

So you've attacked him and you've done radiant damage Is it double or what happens now? Is it vulnerable to radiant? Yeah, it's vulnerable Jesus, you just say that it kills him, it kills him 24 hit points of damage Oh, he's real sick now Yeah

Put some clothes on I will not Alright, the shadow demon's going to attack again He's got disadvantage He rolls a three them clothes on. I will not. Alright, the shadow demon's going to attack again. He's got disadvantage. He rolls a three. And the other one was a 20. Yeah, I know. The other one was a 20. So, okay, I guess he goes to swipe at you again

and this time I guess he's he tries to kick you and one of his very long boots comes off. Mm-hmm. And he fails that. So it is up to you again, Bobby. Where does the boot land? On his hand.

On his hand? He, like, flips it off and he goes... Oh! Foof! Yeah. So do I have more disadvantage now or advantage? Advantage to kicking. Yeah, now you can kick with your hands,

but you can scratch with your foot. You know how sometimes when you're really itchy and it's down the back of your foot and you try and scratch it with your other foot? No, because I am not a lemur. Do you think this is sustainable for two eps? What do you guys reckon? Anyway, Bobby, you're up.

So I'm a pretty close range. I draw my short bow and I fire an arrow right into his belly button. All right, roll an attack. You've got to be 13. That's a 16. Yep. So I'll do one of these boys.

That's a 10 damage. Oh, shit. Alright. He's looking real bad-like. Oh, he has disadvantage. That's a sneak attack for you. Okay. I'm sorry that I know the fucking rules.

I don't think anyone's here for the rules, Jay. All right, so is that more damage than if it's a sneak attack? Double damage? 3d6. 3d6. What? That's another one. Yep.

And another six. Oh, he's not well. Oh. And is that piercing damage? Yes. Oh, I'm not well. Oh, is that piercing damage? Yes. Oh, I'm resistant to it. Oh. Alright, let's just leave it at that.

Alright, so he's real crook. Dave, you can... You're losing control, Hank. It's so early. It's your turn, Dave. Now, at this point, I feel like the Shadow Demon would probably ask for his life to be spared. I just want to say that I think we got all on, just like my boot here, on the wrong foot. Just a little Shadow Demon humour for y'all.

I just want to say, lovely to meet you. I don't think I said this, but my name is Brant. This is my turn? Yeah, so Dave, you can choose now. These are nightmares from the shade. It's plain of cuckoos, so they speak only lies,

guiding Bolt. Oh, no! And 15. All right. He's dead. What are Brant's... Hang on! And 15. Alright. He's dead. What did Brett... Hang on, hang on. Six. Eleven. Another 26 damage. 26 will definitely kill him

and then kill him one more time. Some more. So do you have some last words for Brett? What does he declare as he leaves this plane? He's like, I have a case of the vipers! Because I am one. Yeah.

I quickly dash in and grab my sword that's stuck into his boot. Excellent. So you see his outer limbs crumble away, then his eyes depress into his skull. His skin peels away from his face and his flesh melts down to the agonised skeletal frame. I hate when my flesh peels away to my agonised skeletal frame is actually his last words. Okay. Leave me nothing but the demon's heart, purple in colour, still

beating. Can't help but feeling that there was something important you wanted that character to say and that I've killed him too quickly and then Ben has wasted his last words and then explicitly named them that so there's nothing you can do about it. True.

I mean, look, was there some exposition I was going to get the team to do? Sure. But it's fine. Do you know what this feels like? You know that moment in Watchmen when that guy's like, I'm not locked in here with you?

It's fair. I know his name's Rorschach. I don't need to... All that remains is the demon's heart, purple in colour, still beating, and marked with that same glowing red X. And Bobby, can you roll a perception check for me again? Yep, that's 11.

Okay, oh, cool. You beat 10. So you see a glint of something in the mud, which you can choose if you'd like to go and investigate it, or you can just walk away. Now, look. It's a fucking trap. It's not a trap.

Look, look. Oh, maybe it is. No, you need to choose. But look, I've not changed it. That's what it is. So you can... Dave, this isn't a trap. Don't involve me!

I feel like you haven't had many wins so far, Hing, so I'm going to go and inspect it. Okay. You pick it up, and it is a telekinesis ring. Ooh! Which gives you the power. See? I am kind.

Giving the little characters some sweets. So you get a telekinesis ring, which allows you to move something of, I think it's 10,000 pounds. Whoa, what? 1,000 pounds? 1,000 pounds. We'll say 1,000 pounds. Do you know what a pound is?

It's a British currency. Something, anything worth 1,000 pounds you can live. And it has three charges, okay? So you have that. Yeah, great. Now at this point you have time to chat. Can someone tell me how many kilograms a thousand pounds is? 450.

450. I love our audience. No, but if it's only three charges, so it's three charges and then it decays. Can I use all three together to lift one 3,000 pound? We'll see when we get there. We'll make you roll for it. That's how this works. Because logic would dictate.

I don't know how physics works. So I'll let you roll. I'll let you roll to decide the laws of physics. If only there was some way to know whether or not actions multiply to have equal reactions. Anyway, so you have some time to chat to Dr. Dave now if you'd like. Yeah, great. Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Yeah, why is there mud in the ship? The first thing you need to realise is that nothing here is real. But it's muddy. It's not muddy. We're inside a ship. Okay, I slap him. All right, well, do an attack roll. And that, I rolled a nine.

Yep, that kills him. Unfortunately, that does kill him. It's an eight. It's an eight. Okay, so that doesn't hit. So that just... The first thing you realise is that nothing here matters. Pass it.

So do you want to do what he goes on to tell you or do you want to have a crack at it? You explained it to me. You've got some scripty script, though. So, do you want to do what he goes on to tell you, or do you want to have a crack at it? You explained it to me. You've got some scripty script, though. If you'd like to. Don't feel obliged to it. This is Hing's... Magnum opus?

Yeah. Nothing... The thing you need to... This is not real. None of this is real. Your body isn't here. This is only your mind, and the mud and filth that you see

is only the wallowing despair of your own injured self. You were terribly injured. When the shard exploded, a piece of it pierced your heart and you're lucky to still be alive. Shit. He goes on to tell you, of course, the only thing keeping you alive now is the lupine blood which courses through your veins.

As such, your actual physical body is being stored in a moon chamber in the ship's infirmary. But while you're in suspended Moon chamber? Yeah. It keeps him all werewolf-like. Yeah, no. What? Nah, just fantasy's hard. What do you want to call it?

What would you call this? Alright. What would I call it? What would I call it? All right. What would I call it? What would I call it? I would call it the Serena Vault. I would call it the Bay of Phobos. I would call it... Oh, Moon Cup.

Oh, very nice. Well, actually, Moon Chamber in this world is actually a really cool and successful product that was marketed to all kinds of millennials, so whatever. The best thing is it's dishwasher safe. So while you were in suspended animation, we needed to store your consciousness somewhere, like in a close friend.

Luckily, our new cardinal and your best friend Frizo volunteered to house your psyche in his own mind. Of course for some reason you insisted that I, Dr. Dave Harmon psyche in his own mind. Of course, for some reason, you insisted that I, Dr. Dave Harmon,

medical practitioner, improviser and podcaster, accompany you. So in this world, the Parliament of Harmons are also podcasters? Yeah, they have like a D&D podcast. It's terrible and nobody comes. I'm like these orgies. Yes. Imagine the type I'm like these orgies yes imagine the type of person

who goes to a live taping of the Parliament of Harman's podcast on the same day that the captain's table orgy is happening I go and fuck everyone I know but instead I'll go watch some improv you're real cool so there's that last thing if you want to bring that up Dave

you can choose to tell them that or you can hold it to yourself however You're real cool. All right, so there's that last thing, if you want to bring that up, Dave. You can choose to tell them that, or you can hold it to yourself. However, now that I'm here, I have to say something. I've done this jump many times with many mortally injured passengers, but something doesn't seem right. Normally, I can sort of flit in and out of someone else's consciousness.

I'm only appearing here via the hospital computers. But now, just then, I couldn't leave when we were being attacked. Well, that checks out. It seems as if there is a powerful magic keeping all kinds of simulacra, memories, and beings trapped in here. It's almost like we're trapped

and we can't get out of Friso's mind. Way ahead of you. Look, sometimes people message us and say that there's not enough detail given to the setup. So everyone knows what we're doing now, okay? Good. Do you want me to do the next page of the exposition? No, no, no. It's fine.

It's fine. So, you've got your ring. As just like a floating brain, a floating mind, a consciousness, can I crawl up into a ball and die now? You can if you'd like. Give it a shot. Do you want to kill yourself? Roll for it.

I mean, could I? I guess the question is, can I die? If you die in this world, what happens? In Prezo's mind. Do I die in real life? The shadow of you that we have made here is the only thing holding your sanity together. If you die, your body will be fine,

but your mind will be irretrievably snapped. So you basically become 100% wolf. Oh, yeah. It's like in the Matrix. And if you do that, Simon, we're going to kick you out of the podcast. We're going to make a dog do it. I don't know about you guys, but I'd pay to see that.

And we will get so much more popular. In fact, the dog will look exactly like this. Oh, he's a little sailor boy dog. Ben's wearing a very twee t-shirt. But it's got Simon on it. Anyway. It's a dog with Simon's glasses here, Jockies. Doc, is there anything that I could do in this world to make my body better?

Work out? Your body is being operated on now and will be fine. Okay. But the issue is you guys are trapped here. Trapped. Okay, okay, okay. Here's another question. If we do get out of this, can I take stuff with me?

Anything that you learn here, we'll travel with you. You can take knowledge but not physical objects. Unless, I don't know, unless someone was really nice and let you do it. All right. So, Doc, one more question. Yes. Whereabouts, usually how do you sort of navigate around some of these questions?

Every different subject is different because it depends on your history, your history with your friend, and your friend's own mind. So you will be a better guide than me. I can only help you interpret what you see. And suddenly before where there was nothing, the ground beneath you has shifted in a dreamlike state and you are now outside a giant wrought iron gate. Behind the gate you see a big circus tent that has been erected in the middle of a seemingly disused graveyard. Your eyes follow the yellow and red canvas of the tent to its peak of the enclosure where a giant

inflatable of Friso's head sits. On the front of the gate it reads, the work will set you free. Grinning as it stares across the park. And the wrought iron gates shift and gnaw in front of you. Let us appear in the archway. Welcome to Friso's funhouse.

That sounds fine. So you can... And sort of the earth around you falls away and this is on rails and the only way forward is through the gate. Shall we? And I offer my arm.

I take your arm. We skip. Or Bobby skips at least. So at the entrance to the tent, you see a carnival barker who you, Bobby, immediately recognise as a certain magician. Who showed a lot of promise with his hand,

with his hand, with his close hand work, despite the fact that he had a truly odious voice and personality. It is Leonard Swift Features. And like the shadow demon you just killed, you notice he too has a glowing red X emblazoned on his forehead. Step right up, step right up to the Freezoods Funhouse. How do you remember that voice?

You don't remember any voices. For people who weren't listening in season one, Leonard Swift Fe features was... The first episode. ...is an amateur magician who was auditioning for a talent show who produced a bunch of flowers and was then justifiably murdered by Friso. Also, the X is for justifiable murder.

History is written by the victors. At which point he woke up here at the carnival. So you guys can ask Leonard stuff or you can kill him again. I don't have any... Okay, so I'm just gonna... Okay, cool. Yep, got it. Welcome! Where... Do I know him? Yeah, you would recognise Bobby, because he was the last thing you saw before you died. Do I know I'm dead?

Yeah, yeah, you know everything. Okay, great. Welcome... Perhaps there's something behind your ear. Is it mine? And then nothing comes out. It's like, oh, that's right, I'm dead. And can I just apologise?

Because it really set a precedent for the way the rest of this show went. I don't like the idea of talking to them. I think we should kill them. What do you think? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If anything, Frieza would like it if we killed him. I think the only way... He's your friend, isn't he?

Why does that fill you with dread? Where have you trapped me? Look, friend is a strong word. Colleague is a more accurate word. I mean, I think we just... Let's just suss this out. So do you have any questions for Leonard? Leonard, has anyone ever left this place? Oh, well, some people have, but others are forbidden, I suppose.

Even my daring do and escapism cannot let me vanish. I'm so glad he died. Imagine this for a while. He explains to you that the cursed mark on his forehead, the glowing X, means that he can never leave this place. And everyone who Friso has ever killed is trapped here with that mark.

What? Come on, that's cool! But do people visit who aren't marked? Well, I don't know. At this point, you could probably... Check, check, check. Do I, am I holding one? No, am I?

No, you guys don't have the marks. You guys don't have the marks. So you could leave, I guess. Great, we leave. There are a few... There are a few, like yourselves.

For example, the sea hag Daffnil and the paladin Cuck are both known as... The paladin what? His last name's... When you do paladins, do you do first name or last name? Sir... Cuck. It's the family name.

And legend has it that Daffnil, the sea hag, can tell you how to escape because she is the most attuned person to this place. She's been here longer than any of us. And he also tells you that... Oh, do you want to do that bit? She performs nightly in the big top, but the show is over and the paladin cuck has been locked away for years.

But if you don't bear the mark, there's a chance you can escape. So, I guess... That's a chance you can escape. So I guess... That was a lot of exposition. You ever thought of a job working for an improv troupe slash medical facility? No, he's talking to you. Well, I've always considered myself a bit of a Patch Adams. What comes out? Just body parts? Yep.

It's like really... body parts? Yep. It's like really, it's... So, do you want the layout of the arena? Yeah, please.

What do you want to see? Yeah, okay. So, you notice there's a big top behind the big top, sort of the caravans where all the carnival folk kind of live

their terrible lives. Describe the carnival folk. Mostly they're free-to-use victims. So you have people like, I don't know, Clive Who is there. There are all the people from outside the Guggenheim who he murdered in the marketplace. Just people who know what they did. What about people who maybe indirectly died

as a result of something that you did? No, it's got to be pretty direct. By their hands. So do people have like... Because Leonard has a job there. Yes. Is he lucky? Because there are other people, it seems,

who you killed who don't have a job there. And there's an art critic who now works as a carny for a start. Is there like a Guggenheim art critic who's like, step right up, knock over the cans, win a big Garfield. Yeah, he runs the game. He's actually the manager of the game section.

Oh, great. We go over there. What, you want to play some carnival games? No, I want to go over and speak to this art critic guy. I'll see you later. What are you doing? I just feel like you guys should probably go find this. Oh, it's fine. Whatever.

All right. Do you want to go with Dave? Yeah, fucking sucks, huh? Do you want to go with Dave? I'll go. We can split up. Yeah, I'll go to the caravan and I'm trying to meet the C-Hack. Okay.

And you're going to go to try and play some carnival games? Yeah, because maybe we might need some tokens or some currencies that we can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. Ooh, okay. All right. I'll let this play out then. That's very big of you. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Dave, Dr. Dave Harmon, you approach... You approach... There are three games in front of you. That was terrible to see. There are three games. There is the little plastic lake where you can fish out a ducky. Okay.

There is the one where you can throw a baseball and try and knock over some cans. Yep. And there's another one where you've got to put the ping pong ball in the clown's mouth, but for some reason all of the mouths are Frisos and as you pick up one of the balls, they're all like your own face. And it changes depending on who holds the balls. So which one do you want to do?

I want to do the ducky, please. You don't want to feed your own face to your friends? Don't want to feed my face to my friend's face. All right. Okay. Don't want to feed my face to my friend's face. Alright, okay. So, do you have any money on you? Yeah, I have a bag full of 13 gold pieces. Step right up, step right up. Fish a duck out of a pond.

You seem over-educated for this job. Don't I just? What'd you get? I got a... Oh, I got a 17. Oh, okay. You win a prize. And it is...

It is... This is nowhere in the notes! I know, I'm just... The little robot brain can't deal with this. Here's what you get. You can either take the art critic or you can trade it all. Inside Freezo's, like inside Michael Hing's vault of a brain, there's a guy sitting as security counsellor.

He's like, he's off the grid. He's off the grid. Hero prize options, Dr. Dave Harmon. You can either take the art critic or you can trade it all for what's in the box. I can have the art critic? Yep. Like, as is, I can have a slave

or I can have what's inside a small box. I would like to point out- Reginald, you work for me now. Well. And Reginald, take that box. And he takes the box. And he picks it up. And he opens it.

And he hands you a plush Garfield. Writing that down. Meanwhile! So, Simon, you spot three caravans. One clearly has a sigil on it, which you would notice is a Hollywood-style star. And it has the name Deafnil Horror written on it. You would recognise that name from when Leonard explained to you the sea hag.

But there are two other caravans. What are you writing down? Oh, you're writing down Star Critic, yes. What are you writing down? There are two other caravans which you can check out as well if you'd like. Alright, well now I'm going to head straight to the sea hag. Hopefully she's our ticket out of here.

So you're going to knock on the door? Do you shake it? What do you do? Who shakes the door? I don't shake a caravan. I'm here, I'm here. Did you shake it? No?

Do you knock on the door? Do you pour up against it? Do you lick it? I mean, the world's your oyster. That's the thing about D&D. You can do whatever you want. Yeah, no, I press my butt cheeks against it. you lick it I mean the world's your oyster that's the thing about D&D you can do whatever you want yeah no I press my butt cheeks

against it oh okay it was a 20 you rolled a 20 when you pressed your butt cheeks who rolled a 20 I was rolling for Simon right

so the the way you the vibrations of your butt cheeks come exactly with the pins of the lock on the door. And the door tumbles open. That's quite funny because there's been quite a few times in this show that Bobby's tried to pick doors with lock picks and failed.

All he needed to do was vibrate his own buttocks. I'll just write that down. You stumble in and you see this is like a dressing room. I wouldn't stumble in. I would just say like, first of all, I would say, like the Fonz.

That's a reference from a long time ago. No? Fonz of humour? No? Henry Winkler? No? Okay. You see... He was on Parks and Rec. He played Jenny Slate's dad.

You see, it's like a preparation trailer. There's sort of makeup and mirrors and beauty lights and costumes and sort of a... kind of an ageing set of bagpipes. Mm-hm. Are they, like, alive? Costumes and sort of a kind of an ageing set of bagpipes. A lot. Are they like alive and they've been alive for a long time? Yeah, they are sentient bagpipes that age over time. And then you see at the far end of the trailer a smoky figure

with sort of a greenish tinge to her skin and hair that is matted and filled with eggs. I can say whatever I want. It's so good. And she turns around and looks at you. And I don't actually physically knock, but I say, knock, knock. All right.

Well, to play that smoky figure, please welcome to the stage, playing Daffnall Horror, the sea hag, Genevieve Fricker! Yeah! So, welcome, Jen. Thank you so much for doing this. That's all right.

Now, these guys have fucked around a little bit, so we do have to speed through the rest of it. Yeah, imagine that. Frankly, deeply upsetting. But Jen, you and I talked and workshopped this character a little bit. Yes. So do you want to tell us a little bit about this character? Well, she's a real crook.

She's a sea hag. And she loves the pipes. The bagpipes. That's about it. So we also, you notice that she does not have a red X on her forehead. Are you coming back to the trailer, by the way? When you tell me, I'll be back. Okay, cool.

Oh, do you want to arrive now? Sure. Okay. I'm just keeping the pipes together. Hello. Oh, you found a slave too. No, no, no, this is... They're just giving them away.

So Daffanil tells you that she long ago was sort of involved with Friso and they committed themselves to each other in a magical ritual that Friso took very seriously, but Daphne, and this is Jen's words, thought they were just friends. So a portion of her... But because of the laws of the ceremony...

This is like Simon Pegg writing a Star Trek. Like, you immediately write yourself a girlfriend. Wow. That's a deep cut. So a portion of her waits here in Friso's mind, as does a portion of him in hers. But honestly, she's just not that into him. But you said, Jen,

you were going to store the worst parts of yourself in Friso's mind. So you said you were very crook as a character. So what are some crook things that Daphnil has done? All right. So really, like, really handsy with her cousin. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait, me?

No, this is the character. Yeah. That was a... Why? Were you... No, I knew it was a... That's a neck that bottle of wine. No, that's yours.

Oh, it is for me. Yeah, as much wine as you want. No, yeah, the character. Yeah. Obviously. That'd be embarrassing if it was a real... Really handsy with her cousin. Real handsy. Real handsy. Yeah. Obviously. That'd be embarrassing if it was a real person. Really handsy with her cousin.

Real handsy. Real handsy. Is that it or is there more? I mean that's enough but you can have more if you want. I mean once she fucked, I mean she... If this sentence ends in cousin, I'm going to be upset. She once saw two people fucking on a bin and didn't think... That's not her fault. Wait for it.

And she didn't think that anyone was going to believe her, so she filmed it. Again, is it the character? For you just inventing something about a fantasy character, that's definitely using the technology of the modern world as available to Jen Fricker. And one time when this fantasy sea hag was on... Oh, let's call it Triple J.

She punched a baby in the mouth. All right, so you guys have the information that you think Daphne can maybe help you out of here. Yeah, yeah. So I guess it's up to you to try and convince her to help you. What's up? Hey. Hey.

Who's chilling? You smell good. Yeah, you smell nasty. Thank you. And not nasty, you smell nasty. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Daph, remember me?

I'm from the docks. I am. Remember one time you came by? Yeah. Had a fish from the docks? Yeah. Filmed me having sex? You owe me.

That wasn't okay. Anyway, I'm kind of indentured. I'm a valet in a way to this guy here. While they're doing this, can I take Bobby aside? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying that I'm sort of having career opportunities. That's cool. Since you last saw me.

It looks like you've been crying a lot. What's up? Doc. You're a magic user too. At the buffet I saw you change your lot. What's up? Doc. You're a magic user too. At the buffet I saw you change your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to find a way to charm this woman. Get her to work with us.

Oh, yeah. Cool. I'll just quickly cast charm person. Four. So does she have to roll? That was her saving throw? No, that was your roll too. That was your roll too.

She needs a saving throw. Okay, so roll the dice and beat four. No, that's not how that... Well, it is now. Me? Am I rolling? Yeah, roll a 20-sided dice and beat four. Yeah, roll this one.

Oh. What? She's got a better chance on this. Roll this one. What? No, roll a 20-sided dice. Don't listen to the mean boys. Roll a dice and beat four.

You guys, I don't know what's going on. Let's say this is a constitution. That's none of those things. Oh, shit. That's a 20. Roll the dice and beat four You guys I don't know what's going on Let's say this is a This is a constitution That's none of those things Oh shit That's a 20 You roll the 20 That is literally a 20

Fuck alright What do I do? Doesn't matter what that is So So Jen What that means is You have resisted the spell charm person And you also know that these people

Just tried to magically charm you Which if I was you I'd probably be quite offended by that Yeah You know what I'd probably be quite offended by that. Yeah. You know what I am? I am offended, actually. Well, you passed the test. Okay.

It's just something me and the doc do just to make sure people are on the level that they're real. Don't involve me. I'm not with him. I'm with Reginald. Hello! And you see, this is what I'm up against. These kind of privileged butts who have butlers just trailing around with them wherever they go.

Do you remember one time at the goog? When Anor... Anorwinter. You mean Anorwinter? Yeah. With my story and I'm just gonna go It's just a way of saying That I know her Oh

These people are the fucking worst So wait So So you know that He's trying to You've come into my house No no They've come into your trailer

I'm in your trailer And you're about to get ready For your big bagpipe show tonight I thought you just finished it Oh So the show Two shows a night baby Yeah I've written down here You're about to get ready for your big bagpipe show tonight. I thought you just finished it. Two shows a night, baby. I've written down here.

People want this hag to blow. They want to see this hag fucking blow some pipes twice a night. Or is it like you've been doing it for a couple of weeks and then the festival's been like, hey, do you want to do like two or nine? Do the ath or something? She's like, yeah. So yeah, you're about to go on for your second show of the evening. Fuck yeah. To your adoring bagpipe crowd.

I don't need people coming to my trailer, which by the way is a lot smaller than my usual one. But I just had to move into this one today because for a charity because I gave my big trailer to a charity which charity it's called sea hag you're a sea hag yeah you're a sea hag I'm a sea hag um I'm just gonna you know what you're you're losing control I'm just gonna oh Bobby do you have an offering

for the game or are you yeah look yeah I'm new here alright okay

I just I just want to chat if you if you have to go out and do your show I'm happy to help goodwill aplenty

you know what I need what do you need real deep foot massage you can do it I'm happy to help. Goodwill aplenty. You know what I need? What do you need? Real deep foot massage. You can do it? And I don't want you to break eye contact with me while you do it. It would be. What do you reckon?

That's going to be a strength check? Do you want to... Well, there is... A performance? No, it's not a performance. No, it is a performance. It depends. Do you want a physical massage or do you want something that's like... Nobody would get anything out of a foot massage. It's just raw strength, right?

It's how hard you can break them. Do you want them to really go in there? Roll the dice to see how hard the massage is. Do you want an emotional connection during the foot massage? She just said you're not allowed to break eye contact. So you want emotional? No, just physical. Okay, that's a strength check then.

Or is it physical charisma? I mean, it's like a form of domination for me, obviously. All right, big 12 with a strength check. That's a 12 minus one. 11. 11. So he rubs your feet and it's too weak. So what's your...

Yeah, he just kind of like squeezes them but doesn't actually get in there. This is fun. Have you never rubbed a hag's foot before? You use the natural slime and you work with the calluses, all right? Oh. It's like rubbing a half-empty water bottle.

Reginald, get in there. You're up. And I cast Bless on Reginald, get in there. You're up. Oh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. And I cast Bless on Reginald. Oh, okay. What does Bless do? He gives you a plus D4 to this foot massage. So, yeah, you're wrong.

I'm going to roll. Yep. And then add. That is a three. Plus a D20. Plus a D4. Plus a D4. He needs to be 12, though. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Plus four. Yeah, plus a three. Plus a D20. Plus a D4. Plus a D4. He needs to be 12, though.

Yeah, that's not going to happen. Plus four? Yeah, plus a four. So that's, you rolled a, oh. Seven. What's his, does he have the foot massage skill? Yeah, I have plus 20, weirdly. According to the notes here, I have plus 20.

All right, all right, I'll give it a go. We're forming a queue now. This certainly gets hotter, right? Yeah. This is sick. That is a eight. Nine? But I do have performance because of my exposition.

So that is... Yeah, you do. That's plus three. That brings me to... Twelve. Twelve. All right. So on the third round...

Yeah, foot rubbing. Foot rubbing. What's our? No it was 9 plus 3 Dave read it wrong Don't make me come down there But I can bless up to 3 people So I bless myself as well And that brings me an extra 2

And what is this show other than us Blessing ourselves The trick is You've got to hear the clicks That brings me an extra two. And what is this show other than us blessing ourselves? The trick is you've got to hear the clicks. If you hear the clicks, you're doing it right. I understand. All right. Yeah, no, because you gave me a... Because you gave some...

You showed actually that Dave Harmon, the real person, knows a bit about... Also, John Nash in the audience there with your attitude numbers together. Bit of shoo-ish. No, Dave, because you... No, I'll allow the blessing because you showed real-life knowledge of foot massages.

Maybe the rest of you could have stepped up. I have very weak thumbs in real life. I make unflinching, unblinking eye contact with Daphne of the Sea Hack. Yeah. And while that happens, I am... Love to completion. Oi! I sort of scope the room, see if there's any sort of cool info. Not the C-Hack. Yeah. And while that happens, I am... Love to completion. Oi.

I sort of scope the room, see if there's any sort of cool info or clues and stuff. That's a four? Four. Well, it's hard to miss. But he's blessed two, because it's three people. So you get a little D4. All right, lay it on me. You get an extra four.

All right. So you get... It's four plus four, eight! It's a piece of shit. See, Dave usually doesn't let me drink this much wine. So at this point you see an orb in the middle of the room. It's sort of like a fortune-telling orb. And as you gaze into it...

Fantasy's hard, hey? It's so difficult. And as you stare into it, Bobby, you see a frail and ageing elf shackled to the floor. And from his eyes and mouth, white life force is streaming and collecting in a series of orbs also encased in the sides of the walls.

He bears no mark upon his head and you realise that this is Cuck the Paladin. So he's having his life drained out into orbs. Orbs are so useful. Very useful. Anything can be an orb. What do you want? You want a food orb?

A power orb? A love orb? Anyways, a food orb is just a Malteser. Or an orange. So with sleight of hand, I'm just going to pocket that orb. Okay. Roll a dice. Did you beat ten? Eight. Eight plus I have... A lot of your dice rolls are ten hand I'm just going to pocket that orb Okay Roll the dice Did you beat ten?

Eight plus I have A lot of your dice rolls are ten I'm noticing I'm giving him a fair chance It's a nice round number Yeah I have plus ten sleight of hand Plus ten?

Yeah You idiot Fuck He's a very tricksy boy He is He is Dammit Alright Daphne

You don't realise that he's stolen your orb. But that's because she's so into the foot massage. Yeah, she hasn't broken eye contact. Yeah, that's true. You're still staring at Reginald's eyes. It's real good. No, he's shamed. No, no, I'm ghosting it.

I'm behind Reginald. Oh, are you? You know it'd be nice for me, boys. So she thinks it's Reginald? Yeah. You've got like expert double figures. I figured bringing in a third person would be weird. So I'm just...

Stuck your arms. Like a theatre sports game. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I'm doing all of this. It's already happened once. It's my... It's my hag tonight, actually.

Oh, I see. It happened before the first show too. And you know what? She found out something about herself. And it was that she was racist. Yeah. The racist sea hag. Davinil tells you that the only way out is to release...

So she's telling us about the orb. She doesn't know we stole it. Bobby's pocketed this. Oh, she's talking to Reginald. Yeah, she's talking us about the orb. She doesn't know we stole it. Well, because you... No, she... Bobby's pocketed this. Oh, she's talking to Reginald. Yeah, she's talking to whoever's listening. Oh, so I pretended to Reginald's voice, and I'm like, So, if we wanted to... You've got to make the mouth movements.

If we wanted... Oh, I'm sorry. If we wanted to leave, not that we would ever leave you, of course, but if we did, I suppose we would need some kind of paladin, I understand, or so the

barker said. Do you know where we could find someone like that? Yeah. I do. She tells you that he is kept in... Also, I'm a moron. She tells you that he's kept in the throne room

of the white dragon Arterius. What? It's a cool name. I used a random generator. Arterius. Fantasy's high. For there is no part of writing that cannot be solved by random maths. Roll the dice.

And she tells you that in order to get out of this place, you would need to rescue that paladin first. But will the dragon friends, et cetera, et cetera, how will the dragon friends, blah, blah, blah, blah, how will this person ever do the thing, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, can we get Dave to do it? Because we're probably going to need it for the podcast. So can we please get Dave to do the story

that he has basically been kidnapped to do? Can you wrap it up as if you did this? Organs grind as the organ grinder music plays inside a carnival gone mad with the fears and hollers of a desperate people cursed. Cursed to a death undying inside Kakosa's spell, now translated through the mind of a homicidal and incredibly friendless high elf whom nobody likes. Can the dragon friends make their way out? What of this paladin cuck trapped between orbs? More powerful than those we've already seen

and who is this Daphnil? Is there more to her than meets the eye? She likes physical contact it's true but can you hold that against a woman who plays those wretched bagpipes? For the answers to questions such as this tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you!

Let's hear it for our Dungeon Master Michael Hing! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Michael Hing and Simon Greiner and usually DM'd by Dave Harmon with NPC voices by me, Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website and the episode was mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Music this episode was by Dan Scarrett

and our special guest was Jen Fricker. Bye!