Dragon Friends - #4.10. Freezo's Funhouse (Part 2)

Episode Date: June 28, 2018

Just an absolutely, dreadful idea. DM'd by Michael "Freezo" Hing with special guests Gen Fricker, Greg Larsen and... more? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen and anyone else to a very canonical episode of Dragon Friends. This is part two of Friezo's Fun House My name is Michael Ling and I am your DM for this week. Yes, they're letting me DM which was pretty sweet This week our sponsors are lol. We don't have sponsors lol. Who am I kidding? Yeah, I don't know what else to say Let's go to the show. It has been several minutes and at least two bad foot massages since you realised that to escape Freezer's mind, you would need to free the paladin cuck trapped within the icy prison of the white dragon arterius bobby dr dave daflin the sea hag and reginald the art critic turned failed masseuse

need to need to find a way to the prison however daflin reveals to you that the only way past the guards which we've had to skip through to save time because some people dallied the other way past the guards so sorry would be i'm skip through to save time because some people fucking dallied. The only way in past the guards... I'm so sorry. I'm not going to give it to you easy though, right? The only way in past the guards would be through a trap door that apparent which is of course at the centre of the circus where Dafflet is about to play her

second show of the evening. Oh, gotta toot them pipes. Oh God. Gotta blow them horns. Gotta blow them horns. That's it. Blow them pipes. Sorry. Blow them pipes. Sorry. So. Gotta blow them horns. Gotta blow them horns. That's it. Blow them pipes. Sorry. So what is... I'm not entirely clear on what Teflon is.

She's a sea hag who played the bagpipe. I got eggs in my hair. Yeah. I got calluses on my feet. They're real slimy. Some sort of aquatic witch. Yeah. And I love eye contact.

Rocket science, David. I smell like an unwashed butt. Like a good one or a bad one? Oh, a sea hag, right? Friend of the show, Tom Walker, is in the audience, and he was like, I thought you were saying sea hag, like the letter C, short for a bad word. Let me tell you about that dappling.

She's a real sea hag. And I was like, wow. No, no, of the ocean is all you make. But to be fair, Tom knows me personally, so that isn't often made. That's a mistake. All right, just before we move on, give us one more crook thing your character has done, Genevieve.

Okay, here's one. Don't make eye contact with me when you say it. One time, Dathlin. Right. Sure. Very distinct from Genevieve. Yes. Different person.

Was like, oh, I'm really sick. I have to go home. But actually, she just went and hung out with her friend who definitely has a boyfriend, but there's some tension there. Oh. Yeah. They held hands under a table. Spicy!

Yeah, she's real crook. She's real crook. So you are going to need a plan, because surely Arterius the dragon... I feel like our audience is like, yeah, crook, and then I'm like, yeah, and then they're like, oh. We meant you stole the magical rub movie from the dwarven people. No. It's like, no, I just fingered a man's butthole at the movies.

Yeah. I'm emotionally abusive. Ah! Ah! So, what movie was it? It was Gladiator. It was Ratatouille. Ping!

I got drunk in the break. And in many ways, fingering a man's bumhole in a cinema, is that not truly the plot of Ratatouille? Sometimes the chef you need to be is the chef that's inside you. Later, at the bagpipe recital. So, I want you guys...

I, too, got drunk in the break. Usually Dave gets all the cast and talks them gets everybody, or the cast, and talks to them. Nah, fuck it, I've been drinking. Yeah, but usually Dave, here's a peek behind the magician's robe. Usually Dave just kind of gathers us and talks to us for long enough so we forget that we can drink in the break. All right. I want to hear your guys' plan I want to hear your guys' plan

What you want to do Well it's easy isn't it There's four of us There's a bagpipe recital All we have to do is All come up with a different role And we can get onto stage Because we need to be on the stage

Because that's where the trap door is So Seahag You're presumably the bagpiper Who are you? Are there five of us? Who's this? Oh hello I'm Reginald No that's Reginal? Who's this? Oh, hello, I'm Reginald No, that's Reginald

Who are you? You're not Reginald Reginald's over there I'm Reginald's good twin he murdered as a child Thoughts? No? No like? Alright You're in the driver's seat Hang on, did you say that this place is full of people that were killed by Friso?

Yes And you're like a strange Asian comedian with a proboscis. Who are you? Very good. It appears. Wait, wait, wait. Can your character be a character that told my character that they didn't need to dress up for this and then showed up in a fucking blazer?

Yeah. So is Sam Campbell's Michael Hing in this world? Apparently so. But he disappears into a cauldron very quickly. I find him. I'm searching investigation check. What's your roll? It's say 12.

Nah, not good enough. You did 15, apparently. But you're out of the culture. Oh, that's interesting because I lied. It was a 15. Very good. All right. So what does Sam say out of the...

I found him, guys. I found him. What does Sam say out of the culture? Oh, hey. You guys ever... Have some sap. Yeah, you guys ever... Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. You guys ever... Have some sap. Yeah, you guys ever... Oh, gosh.

Oh, yeah. You guys ever been Michael King? Because... I'm Australia's most beloved comedian. 2018. So, let's go back around the... Hang on. What are you guys doing?

What is your plan? Sorry, just... I have an idea and I want to run it by you. Okay. And I can see you're frustrated and I appreciate that. I do. It must be very hard. It must be very hard.

Michael Hing has been summoned. Yes. In the past, Michael Hing, the 90-year-old or 120-year-old version of you, was played by Sam Campbell. I happen to know that Demi Lardner's in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Demi Lardner! Who knew that this could go so wrong so quickly? Oh, I wasn't listening.

All right, so you guys... So, Demi, you're playing... You're playing Sam Campbell, playing Michael Hing, who is now part of our plan to break into the Carnival Big Top, where... So I'm playing Sam Campbell, who's playing Michael Hale. So it's like... You didn't see it, but that was how we did it. And we have to break into the big top

because on the floor of the big top is a trap door and that leads down to where the paladin cock is. Yep. So... If Demi's playing you, you're not really needed, are you? Not precisely right now. I'm trying to get you, you're not really needed, are you? Not precisely right now. I'm trying to get to what the rest of your plan is. So Jen's going to be actually...

The Seahawk is going to be playing the actual bagpipes. What the rest of you doing? Well, I'm a master improviser, of course. I don't know about you if you knew us, but we're like four-time winners of the talent show on the Saturnine. It's a pretty big deal. So this hag's a honking, but what are you guys bringing to it? I will be delivering a witty monologue.

During the bagpiping? That's going to be my cover. I'm going to come and do an interesting sort of talk on Andy Warhol. Interesting. It's weird because it's crossed over. Actually, I think his stuff would have been a MoMA, right? And Bobby, what will you be doing?

Probably a fun dance. And who has the orb? Bobby has the orb. And Michael Hing, what will you be doing? Probably a fun dance. And who has the orb? Bobby has the orb. And Michael Hing, what will you be doing? I'm just pulling my bum off. What? I know we are running quite late,

but could you just talk me through what that is. Is that like pulling your dick off? It's like I've got a long bum and I want it off. Just pull it off. Stretching. Does it detach or does it just snap back into place?

No, it's like when you've got putty and if you don't pull it quick enough, just stretch it out. I don't know how you do it, but it's like there's two Michaels in the room. Alright. Oh, good. I don't think we have enough microphones for this. I was going to say, we may well need one more mic, by the way. We've got this one here on the floor.

We should be fine. Yeah, we do. We have a spare mic. Oh, the floor mic. The spoiled mic. The mic that we accidentally put on the floor and fed to the dog. I mean, should I move to the floor where I belong? Yes!

Can you sit on there like a filthy goblin? Yeah, like a gargoyle. Alright, so let's... So you enter via the stage door into the big top. And I'm honking. Who's watching these shows in Friso's brain? Are they all people Friso's killed? Yeah, most of the people are people with X's on their forehead,

so you know that they're wicked for Friso. We can do bagpipe music the people are people with X's on their forehead so you know that they're wicked because of Friso. We can do bagpipe music if you like. Do you want to do some bagpipe music? Yeah.

Hit it. Bagpipes. What have we got? www.bagpipes. Ah. And then do you want to give us a bit of that monologue?

Hit me up with that sweet motto. What we're seeing now is a classic Jackson Pollock. Can I have a location? Any location? And how's the butt pulling going? Oh, no, I just won't.

I've grown another one. Fuck. So many bums to pull off. I'm going to be here forever. I'm going to be in Rimmer. Let's do the actual check. It's a performance check. You need to beat 12.

Performance, is that... What do I add to that? I think it's charisma based. Charisma based? Ooh, that's a 13. Can he use his bluff? No, 13. 13 beats it. Yeah, that's fine.

I don't know. I'm not his bluff? No, 13. That doesn't fix it. That's fine. I don't know. I'm not a big city mathematician, but stop trying to impress that one guy from last episode. So, Simon, do you want to go lower or anything? No, I'm all right. The rest of the audience. Now, what are the rest of you guys going to do?

I'm getting in that trap door. I'm down that trap door. All right. Do you want to check for a ladder or anything, or are you just going to dive in? Just dive. All right. You take six points of damage.

Yeah, cool. I don't even give a shit. Reginald finds a ladder and jumps in. Okay. You're fine. Seahag, thoughts? People are here to see you, so you've got to announce that you're leaving in some way.

All right. Yo, stop the pipes. I have some truth. I need to drop in. All of you come here to see me. But you know what? I'm seeing you. And I don't like what I see.

And the crowd is like, oh my God, what is she saying? I'm saying... What? Too many whites. What? So, what? Did she say too many whites?

I think she said too many whites. Get out of my hunk house. Did she say too many whites? Sorry, does she hunk house. Did she say too many wives? Sorry, did she mean whites in the token sense or whites in the racial sense? I meant it in the racial sense. Oh. Sorry, just one...

Did you mean too many wives because I'm polyamorous? Does Michael Hing... Does anybody have a knife? So Michael Hing, by the way, just to remind you, Demi Lardin, you're playing Michael Hing at Does anybody have a knife? So Michael Hing, by the way, just to remind you, Demi Lardin, you're playing Michael Hing at the age of, I think, 120. Oh, OK.

Master hacker, Michael Hing. Yeah. He has an elephant's trunk on his forehead and it spits sap. Fuck it. Blame us. Blame Sam Campbell. But he's also Asian, so that's cool. Yeah. Nice.

We would like to, yeah. I like the idea. I like the fact that throughout all of Jen's fuck monologue, Bobby's still doing a nice little dance. Yeah, yeah. It's, look, it's pretty is probably the best way to describe it. It's a really pretty dance. Dainty. It's dainty.

It's nice. It's a lot of twirls. Oi Bobby, get in the trap door. I do a pirouette and a backflip and land through, I do like a perfect swan dive through and land on Dr. Dave's body.

Make a dexterity check. No, no, you just have to take damage. No. Roll this one. Roll this one. You rolled a six. It's a six. That's six points of damage.

And I broke the dice tower. Roll an acrobatics check for me. A beat 15. That's a 17, that's fine. Ooh, okay. The orb is okay. Made me roll a D12 against him. No, no, no.

He was doing a different check. You were just straight up taking damage. The important thing is that we're all here for some fun squabbling. Yeah. Do I need to get in the trap door? Am I all right? Well, you can come along or you can finish your show. I think people are probably streaming out at this point because you didn't tell them

to leave and then sort of racially abuse them. I don't know. Do you want to come along? Demi's rolling a them. I don't know. Do you even come along? Demi's rolling a dice. Oh, fuck. What did you do? It doesn't matter. You got a five.

What was it? Is this the untimely end of Michael Hand? It's fine. What did you roll? No, you don't. It's all right. I wanted my bum gone. You wanted my life?

You're seeing a bum roll. I wanted my bum to be off. It's a five. What's wrong, Drew? What's up, buddy? It're doing a bum roll. I want my bum to be off. It's a five. What's wrong, Drew? It's not even one cheek. Have you lost some bum? It doesn't matter. We have another guest.

Alright, so let's, just to really streamline this, let's assume that Michael Higgins falls and breaks his neck. Demi, thank you for that. You're excused. Thank you. this. Let's assume that Michael Higgins falls and breaks his neck. Demi, thank you for that. You're excused. Thank you. And you make your way through the trap door. I wrote so

many notes. Very canonical. I'm sorry. That was a moment of weakness. I fucking love this. And you arrive at the end of the corridor after the trap door, and there's a ladder to climb up. I assume you all go up the ladder?

No. Okay. Anyone else go up the ladder? I go sideways, because I'm Michael Hink. Am I with these guys, or am I still honking? You can honk and come

If you want Quick question I always do What's the Like a goose Just like a goose I'm just being a shit And I'll behave

Alright We got the ladder Alright You arrive In a throne room Of Orbs? So many orbs.

There are many orbs because you see the paladin kark strapped into a chair where the white life force from before is streaming out of his body. Is this the same paladin kark we saw in the orb? Yes. Definitely. You liking that? Yes. There is a throne of bone and mirror glistening in the light

even though you can't discern any specific sources of light. Bone throne. Yeah. But you've just... You like that, Jen? I always do. Met up with Cuck the Paladin to play that particular Cuck about an hour late. Please welcome to the stage, Greg Larson!

Greg Larson! Two mics! They gave me a second one. So, Greg, have you got your character sheet there? Is it underneath? Oh, yeah, it's all around. So your character sheet, your character is called Frederick... Frederick Cuck.

Yes. Frederick Cuck. And you asked me for two specific things about your character. Yes. What did you ask me for? For two items. Yes. I asked you for two items.

I want a katana, because I'm skilled in the way of the blade. And a magical vape. In order to go fat magic rips. So I had a look at the player's handbook. There's not a lot in the way of magical vape. Which is basically astonishing to me. So what do you think this magical vape can do?

It's all kinds of... One of my favourite magic vape skills is to blow a vape of mysteriousness around me so I look real mysterious and cool. And it tricks people into thinking I'm very mysterious. Right.

And is that sort of the same thing that the katana does as well? No, the katana just cuts people's heads off and shit. It's like... Or like... So shy. So good. Never fail bottles of water that you can do. Yeah, I spend all day just cutting through bottles of water.

Actually, you have a popular YouTube series. Yeah. Yes, I do. Frederick Cox, The Way of the Blade. I cut through pig's heads, bottles of water, everything. Please like and subscribe. You're sponsored by the local gun store.

He's shackled in front of the throne though, so I guess We recognise him. You recognise him. Is he making eye contact with us? He kind of can't see. He's just kind of like streaming. His eyes,

ears and mouth are all like having life force streamed out of them into these orbs. And so you will probably need to, I don't know, free him somehow. But if only one of you could undo some shackle

I've got the remove curse spell Oh Does that work? Yeah you want to have a crack at that? How many spell slots do you have? I've capes I've got I've got four

Level one three Three I've used Okay okay cool cool I cast remove curse Alright Does that Now how does that work?

Do you need to roll a dice? If it's a curse It is removed Alright But now you're... So now all that remains is the, I guess, is the actual physical shackles. All right.

So I grab the orb that I have and I look inside and I see the guy and I'm like, be free! And I smash it open. Fuck, all right. Okay, there's broken glass on the ground. There are little guys in all the orbs? Is everyone wearing shoes?

I'm not You're not? I'm not because I had a foot massage before I took my shoes off before I'm sorry Alright, everyone I made Reginald take his shoes off Because I don't like him being taller than me

Alright, so everyone Everyone roll a D8 That's how much damage you take from the broken glass I'm wearing shoes though Alright, you're fine then This is a real like Die hard scenario Little diamond boys It was for jet lag I don't have a D8 Damage you take from the broken glass. I'm wearing shoes, though. All right, you're fine then. This is a real diehard scenario. Little diamond boys.

It was for Jetlag. I don't have a D8. All right, roll a D6. Oh, okay, roll a D6 then. Oh, he's a D8. Hang on, so like... I got a one. All right, Jen, I'll roll for you.

You take seven points of damage. All right. Ben, Reginald takes three points of damage. Reginald? Do I get... No, you're not free yet. Wait, so that didn't do anything. No, they're like physical iron shackles you've got to undo.

Focus, everybody. Everybody focus. I'm taking the wine. No! I'm taking the wine. No! I've had enough. No!

Simon, would you like to try and undo these shackles? I don't know. This guy seems dangerous. Maybe we should leave him shackled now. Maybe we should just take his sword. Don't know, this guy seems dangerous. Maybe we should leave him shackled now. Maybe we should just take his sword. Don't you, man. I'm also, my arms are registered with the government as deadly weapons. That's actually true because I did karate.

That's actually a fact. Like in the film, can't it? Yes, exactly. So I'll try with my lockpicks Use your butt Oh yeah Do you want to use your vibrating butt? I'll press my butt cheeks up against

Because you rolled a six for the lockpicks You need, let's say 16 That's 12 plus What's your lockpicking skill? Oh, it's dexterity, so that's seven No, no, no, you've got it still. It's sleight of hand. Oh, sleight of hand.

Oh, either way, it still passes. All right. You are now... Sleight of butt. Frederick Cuck, you're now free. Sick. Thanks. You're welcome.

Executing a perfect backflip, he dismounts. So, do you want to tell them, there's a couple of character notes you wrote down. There's one in particular, the bottom one there. Do you want to share that with everybody? The bottom one. I made a terrible mistake in battle that cost many lives and I would do anything to keep that mistake secret.

Well, that's a lot to burden us with. That's so strange because Cock just said that out loud. Bobby says, oh, you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about it? Nah, man. 100% Because you just said that.

Yeah. Sometimes it just helps just to say it out loud. I'll acknowledge that there was a mistake, but I said the mistake itself will be secret. I'll do anything. I'll fight you with a katana. You know what you're carrying inside you? Not just a secret.

Yeah. A burden. Nah. And do you know the problem with that? Nah, man. Give me my vape. I just need to chill out. Okay, can I try something?

Go for it, Reginald. Reginald steps forward and goes, It's not your fault. I know, I know. And then Reginald goes, It's not your fault. Yeah, I know, I know. It's not your fault.

Don't do this to me, man. It's not your fault. Don't fuck with me, man. Don't do this to me, man. It's not your fault. Oh, God. Wait, can the sea hag come forward and now comfort him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's your fault. Hey, cock. Milady. Look, I don't want you to be sad, so how about you nestle in my bosom? I got eight. Dealer's choice. I got eight tits. Oh, man.

Nice. Did you say dealer's choice? There's no... There's no... Can they spin around on a big wheel? Can you choose which particular crevice to nestle his cocky body into? How are they arranged? I don't know.

What are they like? Is it eight in a row? Is it like pinheading viral down the body? It's like a pear tree. Uh-huh. Oh, no. That's crook. Yeah, this sea hag is so crook.

Crookest sea hag I've ever heard of. Is he just hanging off you like ripe fruit? Except it's like the end of spring. So some of them have turned because they've been forgotten. But no longer. Yeah. Alright, I want you to do a constitution throw, Greg. but no longer you're really creeped out by this okay all right you roll the five oh you're so creeped your chat. Look at me.

I'm a baiter. I'll always be a baiter. Normies get out. I was going to do a fight with a dragon, but I feel like we've run out of time to do that. No, no, no. We can fight a dragon. I think what's going to happen is... I will kill that dragon.

We can fight a dragon. You want to fight a dragon? Let's fight a... Do you want to fight a dragon? Do you guys want us to fight a bloody dragon? Alright. There's sort of a

thing after it, so you've got to be quick. Can I try something? If I'm just a mind in this space, presumably I can control whatever I do. You've seen the film

The Matrix I see Dude have you heard about the red pill It's like I raise I raise my fist above my head

and I start to hover Alright you know what I'll fucking I'll fucking play this because Dave This is the kind of shit Dave would never let you do This is hard though This is hard kind of shit Dave would never let you do.

This is hard though. This is hard. If you can roll... You put stocks! This is a... I'm gonna say this is a... Wisdom check. I don't know what your wisdom modifier is. This is a wisdom check. You gotta be an 18.

If you do that... Right here, right here, right here. If you do it, you can control space. Can I do it? What did it get? A 1, that's less funny, but yeah. What did you get? A 7. You cannot control the universe, Simon. Dang it. Use the ring! Use the ring! Oh yeah. Intro... You're less than 4,000. Hey, Simon, I reckon that dice is less than 1,000 pounds.

I'll let you use your ring to... I'll let you use one of your three charges of the ring to re-roll the dice if you want. Don't you... If you... Wait, wait. If you just want to rise up in the air, you're less than 5,000 pounds.

Yeah. So I just use... How long does it last for? How long can I hold something up in the air? You can just kind of do one motion. And then I'll let you hang in there in the air if you want. He just gave you a re-roll. I'd take it.

Or you can take the re-roll. No, no. Or you can trade it all for what's in the box. What's in the box? What's in the box. What's in the box. What's in the box. What's in the box. Guys, I'm going to take the box. All right.

All right, Hing, you have to work it out. Is the dragon just watching? It's like circling above. All right. Roll a d20 to work out how good your prize is It's a 13 Lucky 13 Alright

You get three stuffed Garfields Shit Oh fuck I got one Give me one Give us one man I'm not a greedy man You can have a Garfield

Yeah sure I got two sucked in Oh man Fuck I don't want one But I want to watch you with one Yeah, I'm not a greedy man. You can have a Garfield. Yeah, sure I got two sucked in Fuck! I don't want one but I want to watch you with one Hang on, hang on, let's... I'm just gonna play the dragon during all this Okay

Yeah, but you can attack if you want Ben Do you want to have a crack at attacking them? No, you don't want to attack them? You can make him... He's not your boss. No, I'm saying... I'm allowing him the freedoms that you never do. He's off the leash now.

This is like... You hear a telekinetic voice booming through your minds, which you assume is from Arterius the Dragon. He says, I was... Do, do you want to do it? Do you want to give it a crack? You want a voice? Oh! You can pick a voice as well. Uh-huh.

Hmm. Hmm. A. No, because I know you can't hear it. I'll try it right in. I was the one you called Friso's first victim. That's a fucking ambiguous sentence. I was the one you called Friso's first victim.

Was he or wasn't he? So, am I talking about... Because that's confusing. I was the one you called Friso's. I was the one you call Friso's. I was the one you call Friso's. I would have just gone... I was Friso's first victim.

Since then I have managed to project myself back into your world in various forms. Always brilliant and white, most recently as a beautiful strident horse, oh my God,

who Friso promptly murdered. This is like the horse from Monkey. Perhaps he could tell that I was trying to escape. Is this seriously Bastogne's horse? Horsey 2 horse? Yeah, it's like in Monkey Magic. 15 pages of notes I Um, ooh, we are, all right. Episode three. Who wants to fight me, I guess? I have fight, are we fighting him? Is that what we're doing? Well, he's attacking.

Go for it. I got a fucking massive katana, and I'm good at strength, I think. Yeah. Is that good? Is three good? No, first one is Bobby. Bobby, what are you going to do? All right.

No, let me do it. Okay, so I do the attack. Roll a d20. You have extra attack. Who did they even tell you that? So you get two dice. Cool, man. What is it?

That's a 16 and a 9, which is plus 6. So it's a 15 and a 24. His armour class is 17. So they both hit. Well, one hits. One hits. There you go. And you do, I believe your katana does 3d6 m'lady damage. M'lady damage, yes.

It's magical. So I roll three of these boys. Yep. M'lady, m'lady, m'lady. And that is another, that is 12 points of damage. All right. Cool, cool, cool. So the dragon looks unsettled, but still fine.

Next up is Bobby. How big is this Garfield? The Garfield? Yeah. Is it like a big Garfield, like a big novelty? Yeah, yeah. No, it's a cool fucking prize. Yeah, yeah.

I very surreptitiously make a slit down its back, pull the stuffing out, and just get inside it. Great. That's cool. And just stand still. There's that functional dragon in Friends Combat. I'm also a very good sir. I would love to get inside.

Well, if they're inside there, Garfield. I've got a Garfield. Let's all get inside Garfield. Come on. We'll inside there, Garfields. I've got a Garfields. Let's all get inside Garfields. Come on. We'll all get inside Garfields. We're all going to die. Who cares?

No, no, no. I'm going to. No, you're hiding in a Garfields. Oh, fuck it. Yes, I'm in a Garfields. It's sale of the century rules. First answer is take it. So now the only ones left are Reginals and the Sea Hag. All right.

I've got two Garfields if you want one. Do I have any weapons? You're an art critic. You have a fishing pole for a duck. Alright, can I ask a couple of questions? Yes. You have two questions. Okay, this dragon does have eyes. It's got eyes and you also notice on its collar it has a black jewel.

Okay, great. Which is held there by a red X. Okay. I take my fishing pole and Reginald runs as hard as he can at that X on the collar. Okay.

I'm going to do an opposed... With a fishing pole, like... Yeah, so you're going to try and pierce the jewel. I'm just going to try and try to... No, with the jewel, and then there's the X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You spear the X?

No, the X is like stitching over the jewel. Is it a jumper? So you're going to try and pierce the X, right? I'm going to try and pierce the X, yeah. All right. All right. So you need to be... With your attack, which I think you have plus two,

you have... You've beat 16 on this. All right. So you need to roll, with your attack, which I think you have plus two, you have beat 16. So you need to roll a 14 or above. Get all these lesser dice out of the way. This is way too easy! Oh, shit. Well, I didn't expect that to happen at all. And that's like hell good, yeah?

Yeah, that's the best one you can get. The jewel, the red X dissolves and Arterius' black jewel is now... Oh, you've fucked up Dave's story for next week. Because Arterius, the dragon, is now free and he flies off into the sky. He's no longer held in this plane by magic. But he's no longer

attacking us. No, because he just wanted to escape. And now you've got to deal with that next week, Dave. It did freeze his mind, isn't it? Well, this is the thing. Because he was trying to project himself out before. You can't do this. Man, this was all in the notes. So, fuck, I don't know man.

And so around you now. How were we meant to get out? Well, around you now, a room sort of rises up from the floor and the party is left it's sort of built with large sandstone blocks like in an ancient sort of desert temple. Sorry, because this affects my story. You'll understand in a second. It'll all become clear in a second. Cool, because it doesn't make any fucking sense right now.

There's sort of a fanged bronze chandelier hanging in the middle of the ceiling as the roof kind of encompasses you from above, casting a bright light throughout the room from these old blood-red candles, and the flames are black, but still emit a piercing light. There are runes inscribed along

the top of the wall, circling around the room. So each of you now need to make an intelligence check. Someone needs to make an intelligence check. Someone needs to beat DC 15. Yep, I have an 18. I do too. You got a two? No, I do too.

Oh, you do too? Okay. So Bobby and... I guess Reginald, because you're an art critic... Reginald, 19 for the paladin. Oh, okay. So my lady is the best... Sorry, Frederick Cuck isadin. Oh, okay. So, my lady is the best one. Sorry, Frederick Cuck is the best of the lot.

And you reveal the ancient story of an artisan mage named Arterius who used to famously paint and create grand works of art with his own blood. But he was found lifeless one day. You notice as well the floor is covered with sand and on the far side of the exit door, which is sort of like ornately depicted, is sort of an artist using a paintbrush as a spear and there are sunshine rays sprawling from the tip of the paintbrush. It's almost like, you know, someone who's put a lot of effort into it. Anyway, it's not important. Do you do this professionally? In the middle of the room is an altar

that sits beneath the bronze chandelier and the inscription on it reads, use your head to paint me red. Inside of thee resides your key. And that's the hint you get for how to get out of here. Paint everyone's head red. Easy. I got some cherry red vape.

I'll just do something. You'll hit me up, brother. My vape cloud and I'll get all red, man. So you breathe cherry red vape onto what? Just everyone's head. It said something about a head and red. I have zero wisdom, so I assume I'm dumb. I heard the words head and red.

You vape into everyone's faces and they are, I guess, annoyed? I don't know. How are you guys feeling about getting vaped on? Is it cherry? Yeah, it's cherry. Does it smell like cherry or does it taste like cherry? It smells and tastes like cherry. I guess so.

Okay. Is Reginald covered in blood? From what? From nothing, actually. I just thought I'd slain a dragon and then I remembered that I hadn't. I just loosened the core of one. I mean, I've got like a couple,

you know, some wisdom on me. So, like red in the head or whatever. So, I'll give it to you again. You need to use your head to paint me red inside of the residual key. So I need to paint you red? Red in the face? It's not me. It's the painting, presumably.

And the painting's finished? The painting is sort of unfinished. Clearly the artist's depiction of himself there is the unfinished portion. What I'm trying to say is I'm going to insult this picture. You're going to insult it? Yeah. Okay. Make it real red.

All right. Yeah, okay, great, go. What's your insult? What's the most crooked insult, you know? Okay. I had a dream about this. Yeah, thanks. I had a dream about it and I woke up and then I took like the worst shit of my life. It's pretty bad.

That's the end of it. But that again, nothing moves. Okay, so Reginald's an art... What's the painting of? It's again of an artist using a paintbrush. So you can't see what he is fighting isn't finished. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. It's a

large bird. You definitely didn't say that. You definitely didn't say that. It's not important. It's not important, everyone. Would it help if I used my katana to commit ritualistic suicide and then you could cut my head off

and use that to paint the painting? If you want to give it a go. Let's wrap it up. If you want to give Harry Caray a go. Yeah, I'll definitely do it. I'm keen as a bean. Kill yourself. I'm keen as a bean. For a punt, I'm solving

this riddle. Yes, but it's like a magic world so maybe there's a wizard that'll make it. Fucking go for it. Okay, so what... Wait, what's your armor class? So what does Greg have to roll to cut his own head off? Wait, wait, wait. Willpower saving throw.

What's your armor class? No, he's not... He knows how to get past... I don't know, I don't know. Constitution? Well, if you want to do it, you've got to take off your armor then. Armor class. Okay, I take off my armour.

Yep. Go on, I'm naked. I'm standing here naked. I'm just a man with a vape and a... Nobody said you had to be naked. Is any of you guys going to stop this? Nobody said you had to be naked. Man, I'm going out naked.

I'm going out the way I came in. Before you go, I just want to say, you have a bad online presence. Does he kill himself? That cuts real close to home. Let's get this done. I want you to roll a willpower saving throw and if you beat 16, you don't do it.

If it's under 16, you're allowed to do it. This is willpower saving throw to not kill himself. If it's under 16, I'd kill myself. This has been a great time. Let's do it. $15. Yeah.

All right. That's a five. Yeah, I guess Greg cuts his own head off. So I pick, well, it's what he would have wanted. And we know because he told us. Yeah. So I'm picking up his head. And I'm just going to rub the stump against the painting.

I'll walk up and with my Garfield tail, I'll dip it in the blood. And I'm going to paint a door. And I'm just going to smush it around. And I'm going to rub my calluses on it. And Reginald's going to look at it and be like oh, derivative there, Reginald.

Alright. Well, the door in front of you opens and a staircase leads. I died a fucking hero. What was that guy's name? But I'd pre-written these. So the way to get out of the sacrificial chamber was to... It doesn't matter.

Don't get to explain the scenes we missed. That's the joy of Dungeons and Dragons. That's the pain of me and Dave. It required blood. It required one of you to spill. I think they worked that out.

I wrote down consequences, because I said there were going to be stakes and consequences. Oh, okay. And you guys never gleaned this, because you never asked this of who Frederick Cuck was or anything. Nobody gives a shit about me. That's why I did it. Not one of you has even asked.

The reason he was Shade up in there Is he was the remnants Of Friso's moral compass Who Who you All allowed To die All of you allowed The last remnants Of Friso's moral compass to kill himself.

Which means that if Friso looks at a simple puzzle, he is happy to destroy his entire moral compass to just pass it. It's about winning. I mean, it was chained up already. What difference will it make? It was chained up though, wasn't

it? So it makes zero difference to current Frieza. He was sort of chained up but still existed,

right? You could see that the life force from him was still affecting the world. But now the

dragon is poisoning the world. It controls this entire... Tell me more about this dragon because it's

really important for next month. I feel like we can offline this later, right? Or do you want to do it now? No, it's fine. Well, I guess he gets out now. Will he come back as a smaller horse? Well, he wasn't... The dragon was just a form he took. He was a mage. So are you saying this mage was horsey to horse? Well, he wasn't. The dragon was just a form he took. He was a mage.

So are you saying this mage was horsey to horse? That he projected himself into the real world as Bastogne's horse. Yeah. Friso sensed that, killed him, and then he was forced back into his own mind. But this is, you're saying that everyone that Friso's killed has been the same soul reborn.

No, no, no. Just the brilliant white people. That would have been great. Just the brilliant white people. The things that were brilliant and white. Sorry? That's interesting. Why? Was this not clear

in the politics of the... No? Okay, anyway. I mean, do you have a spiel that you want to... Well, not really. I mean,

it kind of just peters out at this point. You guys can kind of... You guys can choose to take the... You guys can choose to take the stairway. And deep inside the moon chamber, Bobby, your eyes flicker alive and you see once again the figure of Dr. Dave, that brilliant, handsome and charming practitioner of the medical and improvisational arts

that has guided you through these trials. You will not soon forget the paladin Cuck and his noble sacrifice that brought you here, nor to the erotic longings for that mystical, daffodil horror, crooked chick that she was, who also had her part to play. But for now, as your lupine urges recede, you find once again the form of the halfling takes you,

for the saturnine has docked. But you find yourselves in chains. Your friends Filge and Friezo beside you, all sold in chains, for it seems that Steyr has got here while you are arrested and has taken the ship. The Saturnine is once more again under the control of the nine known worlds, and you are imprisoned on Primus, seat and heart of that celestial government, on trial for the murders and crimes that you swear you did not commit, but your memories have departed you. And so without any hope, memory, or future,

you must ask yourself, what is it to be a dragon friend? Thank you. Michael King ladies and gentlemen The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee Eden Lacey Michael Hing

and Simon Greiner and this whole rigmarole is usually DM'd by one David Harmon with NPC voices by Benjamin Coleman Jenkins Shakira Khan designed our website

and this episode was mixed and edited and fixed by Beth McMullen, who cut out a very offensive joke I said, and I'm glad she did. Thank you for doing that. They are recorded at the Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney.

Music this episode was by Dan Scarrett, and our special guests were Genevieve Fricker and Greg Larson. Plus that little surprise cameo from Demi Lardner. That was cool. Also, a quick shout-out to the Mysterious Monuments puzzle document that Gelatinous Dude put together and is available on the D&D subreddit I use that a bit this ep in my DMing

go check it out it's a bunch of free cool scenarios and shit for D&D campaigns that you can find as I said on the D&D subreddit I think that's everything see ya bye I think that's everything. See ya. Bye!