Dragon Friends - #4.11. It's Pronounced Jiff with Tom Walker

Episode Date: July 13, 2018

Far beyond the minds of mortal men and women, the Council on Primus deliberate and hold sway over the fate of the Nine Known Worlds. The Dragon Friends have been brought before them to answer for crimes too terrible to contemplate... if only they could actually remember doing any of them.Featuring special guest (and Good Boy) Tom Walker! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, listeners. If two weeks between episodes feels too long, then why not listen to some of the other podcasts made by guests and contributors on this show. Their Story Club recorded a giant war featuring autobiographical stories on a theme hosted by Ben and Zoe Norton Lodge. Hing and Ben run a podcast called Free to a Good Home, which started as a classifieds review show, but is now more of a love letter to a Gold Coast Dracula-themed cabaret bar with snacks. Also, Tom Walker and Demi Lardner do an obscene podcast called BigSoftTitty.png, which is gross and I hate it. Here's the show.

Hi! In orbit over the world of Primus flies the Saturnine, that labyrinthine and ancient vessel born of Carcassian science and magic that ferries the rich and powerful of the nine known worlds from port to port across the stars. For many, it is a place of wonder and decadent luxury, but for the dragon friends, it has become a prison. The delicate harmony of factional powers has been disrupted by a power-mad Friezo,

and while internecine warfare rages among the many castes and guilds of the saturnine crew, Friezo and Filge have been thrown for their own safety, and let's face it, the safety of others, into a holding cell. Nobody really wants to deal with you. Your presence is frankly an embarrassment to this ancient and noble society. Bobby Pancakes the halfling, injured, in the battle for the saturnine's engine holes,

is dragged, all but comatose and shivering back into your cell a few days later. Ben, did you just try to put a runt in your mouth and you missed? Yep. He no longer bears marks of the physical injuries from his contact with the carcass and shard, but as for mental scars and his treatment,

well, who can say? For now, it is enough that Bobby Pancakes lives. And so, after a week of isolation in the cells and a diet of rice and suspiciously rubbery meat, you hear footsteps outside. Two primer guards in imposing white helmets and resplendent uniforms march in and stand to attention, removing those helmets to reveal broad hippopotamus heads.

Ooh. There's a bit of colour for you. All right, are normal human-sized bodies? That would crush your spine. Yeah, how does the neck... They're like barrel-chested. They're big. They're like big boys. So where does the...

Like, in this hippo-man-mermaid situation... Yes? Where does the hippo finish? You have to seduce one to find out. The neck. It's definitely the neck. Mark it up. Season four was when we finally got to hippocam.

A moment later... All right, go on, season four. A moment later, a third figure enters, a humanoid, this time in full dress uniform, slipping off a pair of patent white leather gloves. It is a face that you've come to recognise as a thorn in your side in these nine known worlds.

That of Admiral Jane Steyer. I told you I'd catch you. I think I did. It's been a while but I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing I'd say. I'd say I'll catch you one day. Yeah, that sounds like me and I have! Which is a very complicated way

of saying that in the time that Bobby has been knocked out with the Carcassian vessel, the Saturnine, disabled, the Prima Fleet has caught up with you. You've been thrown into prison, and his men now control the ship. Are we in prison? Do we know where the prison is? Are we in prison on Primus, or are we in prison on the ship? We're on the boat. You're on the Saturnine, the luxury planar cruiser,

but it is floating in orbit above Primus. Yeah, now look, they didn't have a prison on the Saturnine, the luxury planar cruiser, but it is floating in orbit above Primus. Yeah, now look, they didn't have a prison on this cruise ship, so this is more of a rec room. Yeah, this is the first prison I've been with a shuttle board. Yes, shuttle board, and I hope you've been enjoying the ping pong. We have. Although, me must complain, service has gone really downhill since we got moved to this room.

We thought it was an upgrade. But you're the customer service manager on this boat, right? Is there anyone else I can talk to? You can talk to me, but you'll have to beat me in foosball first. All right. Steyr slips his gloves into his belt and begins to play. All right. You don't know who you're up against.

When I was at Primus University, I was... Make a pose dexterity roll. All right. No, because, Dave, people think foosball is a game of dexterity, but it's actually a game of the mind. So I would like to do intelligence versus Ben's dexterity. Make a dexterity roll. All right, I rolled an 18 plus intelligence of 2, so 20.

Beat that. Alright, here we go. Warming up. That's a 12. What's your dexterity? Your dexterity is plus 2, so that's 14. You're proficient in foosball, surprisingly, which brings it to 16. Still not 20, though.

No, you lose. Wait, what did I say? You had to beat me in foosball to speak to me? Yeah. Alright, boys. One day later. Doors open again. Steyer re-enters.

You know, I've given it some thought and I didn't need to agree to that. Oh, but Mr. Steyer, I've never played foosball before. I'm sure I couldn't beat you for, I don't know, $100. Why not our freedom? Oh, and, oh, it's too late. I'm sure I couldn't beat you for, I don't know, $100. Why not our freedom? Oh, and, oh, it's too late. No, this is exactly what Jeremy here told me you'd do. Now listen here.

We're about to dock in Primus, where you will be taken to answer for your crimes. In the meantime, do you have any questions of me? Yes. Last time, just before the shard exploded, before the ship had its accident, before you caught us, my understanding was that I, Friso, was in charge of

a sort of a rebellion of bellowsmen. Yes. What has happened to all of my loyal subjects? Well, in fact, he explains in the days that you've been here, you've heard the howls and screams as doubtless thousands are killed. Are you sure they weren't doing the killing? Some of them were.

Okay. Sometimes the ones that were doing the killing are also the ones that were killed. That's just a little thing called warfare. Wow. And it's a bit of a downer. The Saturnine had a delicate ecosystem that had been going for hundreds of years and you disrupted it. Uh-huh. I would assume that would sort of answer your...

So, yeah, there are bloody antenna sign wars all over the ship now. The Primer forces have regained control of the bridge and some of the ship, and Lady Casilda has already been flown off in secrecy, so she's off ship now. She had quite the scare. But it is likely that what you have started will not soon end, and indeed the ship is going to have to be surrendered to these battles for probably decades now.

So did you say we're going to have to go to face our crime somewhere? Yes, Primus. Primus? Primus. Now, are we going to be facing... I'm not familiar with your ways Mr. Steyer Admiral Steyer

But Does one Does one face their crimes In a sort of a court Or is this more of a Foosball situation Do you know when I first Caught you

In the charcoal bazaar In the city of brass I didn't know I was up against The famous dragon friends And yes you have done some work in the city of brass. I didn't know I was up against the famous dragon friends. And yes, you have done some work for the Council of the Nine. You are well aware of our justice system and I won't be bamboozled by you again. Isn't that right, Jeremy?

And he kind of gives a supportive nod. So one of the hippos is backing him up. Yeah. All right. What crimes are we being accused of? You'll know that soon enough. Well, no. I don't think...

You can't hold us without letting us know what charges. He takes out a big notebook and he's like, well, quite apart from the larceny of the Lance, the smuggling charges, the... Violation of the Shard Treaty. That's a very big one. Assault of a planeswalker in the Shadowfell. Morgana.

Yeah. Also. Who's that guy? And let us not forget, of course, the murder and impersonation of Hyperion Max, hero of the Faultline. Now that's the big one. And keeper of the Bluffs of Chance.

Is that Dr. Dave? Did he just like poke his head in the door and say that? We met this guy. He's very good. I just feel like you could have told him that yourself. I'm not being paid for this. And he disappears. Now the big one is, of course, the killing of another planeswalker by the name of Hyperion Max.

The killing? Yes. We never even met the guy. Yeah, I've never, you show me one bit of evidence that I killed, that we killed someone. He's even... Why do I even know he's dead? And as you say this, he snaps his fingers

and the hippos begin shackling your shackles to chains on their belt and dragging you out of the rec room, thank you, Ben, and down a corridor

towards an airline. And as they shackle your shackles, one of you's like, oh, that's why they're called shackles. Is that Jeremy? Yeah.

All right. Do you eat hippo food or man food? You asking that of Jeremy? Yeah. Thank you so much for taking an interest. Because, like, me just wondering, you've got a hippo mouth and teeth, so, like, you probably want to eat hippo food, but then you've got the digestive system of a man.

Yeah, well, it's kind of a bit, it's sort of a meeting in the middle situation, you know what I mean? You can't eat all the hippo food because they don't have hippo food, but then you've got the digestive system of a man. Yeah, well, it's kind of a bit, it's sort of a meeting in the middle situation, you know what I mean? You can't eat all the hippo food because they don't have hippo guts. It's not going to digest that sort of stuff. But if I just eat like a salad, I get very tired. And that is about all the time that you have to ask

questions. For already, the corridor gives way to an airlock, which gives way to another corridor and soon, as the air and atmosphere once again feels less artificial and the gravity firmly takes hold of your bodies, you find yourselves in a huge vaulted room clad in brilliant and pristine white marble. The floor decorated in intricate non-agonic patterns,

while above you... What was that word? Nine-shaped. Looked it up What was that word? Nine-shaped. Looked it up. Nine-shaped? Non-agonic. Do you mean nine-sided? Because I would say

nine-shaped is just the number nine. The floor is decorated in complex polygrams, while above you... Ah, you broke him. Above you, a vast and marvellous clockwork orrery of the nine known worlds spins in a meticulous cosmic ballet. Any more questions? Anyone want to know what an orrery is?

I think we all know what an orrery is I think we all know what an orrery is but do explain for the fucking dead shits that are listening it's like a like a clockwork

planetarium model it's like it's like it's like a like you would put over a baby's bed cream or what not yeah

but a wind up one in like a steampunk planetarium it would like move. Yeah. Gotcha. So a huge clockwork orrery spins above you. Even as you watch the orrery, the shadowy orb of Carcosa wanes,

eclipsed by the bright light of Primus, bureaucratic heart of the nine known worlds and seat of this very council you find yourselves in. Arranged around the room are nine imposing podiums, each backed by a brilliant tapestry depicting one of the nine known worlds. The podiums tower feet above your heads and are large enough to accommodate a speaker plus two to three aides and associates. Two of them are dim and shadowy, vacant, but at the others you see some familiar faces. There is Lady Casilda, vacant, but at the others you see some familiar faces. There is Lady

Casilda, unmistakable though masked and surrounded by a clique of her favoured behind a giant diorama of dim carcosa. At the other side you see Titania, Queen of the Fairies, whom you met in the Feywild attended by Eladrin courtiers standing proudly in front of a

verdant landscape of Feywildian splendour. Was that the Horny Queen? The Horny Queen, thank you. Just try to put a little bit... Bobby also had sex with Lady Casilda, so she's a horny queen in a way as well. You know what? If I was a queen, I would be so horny all the time.

Yeah. Maybe it's easy just to tell us which of the queens aren't horny. Well, I was going to say, also you see the abyssal Morgana queen of the Shadowfell, who looks surprisingly less horny. No, no, no. They were equally as horny, but it's just their horniness was real crook. Fine, she's horny.

I don't give a shit. As well, you also see Caliphan, the Ifriti that you met in the City of Brass, all of them at separate podiums, nine podiums in total. Seven of them occupied. Each person present here, you realize, is a planeswalker, first among their people and honored with the singular gift of extra planar travel. A gift that, thanks to the heart of glass,

your spaceship, gifted to you by Johnny PlayStation, you possess as well. There is so much exposition in this one. I just wonder, at this point, make some noise if this is your first drag in France. Oh, no. So you're in a giant council room and there's a clockwork planetarium above your head

and there are nine rulers of this world arrayed around you. Of these nine known worlds. You told us there was nine seats and there were seven rulers and two were empty. That's correct. So there's two of us. Yeah, we're just slip riding. I would remind you that Bobby is also with you, just a bit quiet today.

But if we got in those seats, then we could just put Bobby on trial. Now they are all talking to themselves. Jeremy and his associate are still with you and they are now shackling you to a small stand lit by a powerful dome of light in the centre of the room. Do we walk into the light? You are in the light. You really don't have a lot of agency here.

The stand is illuminated, but you can talk to Jeremy if you want. We demand for our charges to be dropped. He really just works here. Jeremy. Yeah? First of all, I'd like to, again, compliment you on your existence as a hippo-man hybrid. That must not be easy for you. Yeah, the first time you said that, I said that was super-duper offensive.

So I don't know why you're repeating it. Why is it offensive to say it's cool that you're a hippo-man hybrid? That must not be easy for you. Yeah, the first time he said that, I said that was super duper offensive. So I don't know why you're repeating it. Why is it offensive to say it's cool that you're a hippo man hybrid? Are you not? His partner says, we're called GIF, man. You're called what? We're called GIF. Oh, look, I can't learn all the new terms from you people.

Me so sorry for me associate. He getting used to this whole interplanetary world thing. Hello, everyone. Meet Filch. Filch has found a microphone. Her voice booms across the room. We can only assume that you come for the Cirque du Soleil concert, which we are here to provide.

We're just waiting for a couple of latecomers and then we can begin. Jeremy. There is a baffled pause as all of the little conversations on the podiums stop and then one figure, another hippo man, at one of the podiums and facing you, directly facing you. These days they're called GIFs.

These dates are called GIFs. His voice booms out. And to play that GIF, Grand Poobah of the Concordant of Primus and first among equals of the Council of Nine, please welcome to the stage our friend and good boy, Tom Walker. Yay! Please welcome to the stage our friend and good boy, Tom Walker. Tom! Okay. And if it's your first Dragon Friends, they do that even when I'm not on the show.

Let me settle something. It's pronounced jiff. And what you call hippos are actually full jiffs. So you're a half jiff? No, I didn't say that. Proceeding with my prepared remarks. Does he have dainty little spectacles on the end of his hippo face? Yes, but they're incredibly wide set to cover his immense nose. Aww.

Very cool. I think he actually has three sets of spectacles, and they all focus together. Yeah. Friso, Filch, and Bobby Pancakes. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Phil and Bobby Pancakes. Hello. Hello. I didn't expect that to affect me so much, but nobody ever... Okay. How are you? We're pretty good. How are you?

Well, you know, I'd say better. I'm not the one on trial. One of the other GF nudges him. Don't believe him. Don't you believe him. Frisofields and Bobby Pancakes, inhabitants of Plains Unknown. Oh, yes. Frisofields Bastogne Introvirovich

and Bobby Pancakes, inhabitants of Plains Unknown, you are here to answer for crimes and for giving her to the castle. This is a point whenever we have a guest on the show where we like to say, now by sound, can anybody understand that voice? You've made your mouth bad. You were charged with the theft of the Lance of Perixx from the Charcoal Bazaar.

You are charged with unsanctioned planar travel beyond the cradle and into wild space. Most troublingly, they all, you are charged with the murder of Hyperion, Max, planeswalker of the Bluffs of Chance, hero of the Haltline, and treasured friend of Mellohere. How do you plead? There is a murmur of consternation amongst the other councillors. I heard like Hogwarts Express and the word graveyard.

I don't know what you got. We plead least guilty. An unprecedented plead of least guilty. An unprecedented plead of least guilty. Excuse me. Yes? Do we get a lawyer? I feel like I need to stop answering you when you just say nice conversational things. No, no, no.

It's rather procedural. Yeah. So Morgana, Queen of the Shadowfell, says, What need do you have of lawyers? Have you something to hide? We are all here imposed under the truth of Primus. She was Scottish, but yeah. What does that mean?

The truth of Primus? Is this like a truth serum island? Those who come with lies inside their hearts will soon be unfound by this council. Yeah, this sounds like a kangaroo court to me. Absolute kangaroo court. And previously, I believe I've murdered one of those. That's what I mean.

Useless. Yeah, no, I've got a good mind to call the judicial ombudsman on you. Silence! There is nothing in this kangaroo court's pouch except a heaping helping of justice. You will be found guilty or not guilty as we decide. It really is just melting into Huckleberry Hound. Chairman, if I may.

And you look up and you suddenly see the beautiful figure of Titania rising to her feet. While our wisdom is good. I mean, this character was Irish. And our ways just. These fine planeswalkers have done me a great kindness when they rescued my husband, Oberon, whomst I loved so very much. Did he just call us planeswalkers? Did she just call us planeswalkers?

Okay. I loved his ruby lips and his beautiful balls. Everything she says causes a stir and a flutter amongst her courtiers as she goes on. Do they not deserve as much justice as we would afford one of us? Let them summon a lawyer if they need to. Well, of course you have a right to summon one person, I guess. If I'm remembering the rules of the court correctly, which you'd hope I guess. If I'm remembering the rules of the court correctly, which you'd hope I would,

it's almost like it's my first day. Can we pick anyone? Is that how this works? You just magic them out? The court's magic is at your disposal. So these are planeswalkers. They're capable of, through different means, summoning people between planes.

So they are offering... So we just tell you they're capable of, through different means, summoning people between planes. So they are offering... So we just tell you we're naming you Magic the Minter and it doesn't matter if they want to come or not. Oh, fuck. It doesn't... Like, they don't get to choose. That's what's going on here, right? Yes, thank you. We would like to summon...

Gribbets, please. Titania's eyes glow white and a basin held up by one of her Aladrin courtiers is taken to her lips. She pulls a locket from her neck,

whispers into it and dips it into this basin of water which glows white. Then she puts her hand down in it and pulls out by his collar a small, surprised, let's face it, wretched looking goblin. Okay, okay, actually, he has his eyes shut and he's wearing like actually weirdly nice clothes. What do you mean, like? Yeah, and he's saying like actually weirdly nice clothes. What do you mean like? Yeah, and he's saying I do. I do.

And with a harsh, eladrin syllable, she waves her hand and he spins to a, like on the floor in front of you. Okay, and he like, I do. And then like spins, opens his eyes, looks up, and just goes, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! No, no! Let the court hear that the goblin's first words were, I do, consenting to be our lawyer. Hello! Gribbets is of course your goblin lawyer, met in season one who has just not been able to quit

you. Can I, wait. So wait, was he getting married? Yes! Can we then, as a quick thing, and Tom, you can... I would like to see if we just quickly cut to the wedding ceremony. And like the father of the bride is just very... All right, so I'm on the Feywild in a beautiful wedding

where Gribbets was getting married to a fairy, I guess, called Janice. Janice is dressed in a beautiful flowing dress. It's like exactly what she wanted to wear and she was able to find it at exactly the right price. She just looks ravishing. And if Grimits, can we hear a little bit of the wedding speech? Yep.

Well, this is the vows before he says I do. This is like mere before. Can we hear some of the vows? Yeah, Janice is like, Can we hear some of the vows? Yeah, Janice is like I, Janice do solemnly swear that I will love you, Gribbets, from the bottom of my

heart until the day that we both die I never thought I'd find a man like you and I know we're gonna be happy together forever. And Gribbets says Janice, before I met you I had a pretty rough life. But these past six months have just been so magical to me

and I've turned it all around and I just can't wait until I finally get to say the words Han reaches out and says, I do. Janice spins around and yells, Mother, you were right about him. Exactly like you said. He was marrying into money,

so he was going to rip up his lawyer certificate just after the wedding. Okay, what is this? Grivitz. Hi. We would like is this? Uh, Grimits. Hi. We would like to direct all further questions to our lawyer. Hello. Oh, sorry you weren't speaking to me. I've become used to people saying hi to me at this stage.

Oh, uh, hello. Hello. Hello. Another hippo rushes forward with a pillow with a microphone for you. Thank you. Okay. This looks to be some sort of trial.

What did you burn? We're being accused of killing someone called Hyperion Max. Killing someone? Well, colour me fucking shocked. Lawyer jokes. Lawyer jokes. me fucking shocked. Lawyer jokes.

Lawyer jokes. Yeah, we never even heard of this guy before we got accused of killing him which is unusual for us. And he goes, never heard of him? That's only his bloody chair over there. Did you say Hyperion? Oh, fuck! This is the court of Primus, isn't it? Confirm?

Obviously, yes. Yes, this is the court of primus. You have been called here to testify for, among their many crimes, the impersonation and improbable murder. Sorry, I shouldn't say that. Alleged murder. Jeez Louise. And despite his correction, you can't help but feel

that a lot of the other planeswalkers sort of murmured affirmatively when he said that. I mean, I'm saying alleged, but let's face it, who are we all leaning towards? It's a show of hands. Guilty. I know we shouldn't do it at this stage. Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Seven hands sort of showed up, except for Titania, who's kind of a little bit... Gribbets. Yeah, seven hands because one person is holding two of them in the air. Yeah, Morgana fucking hates you. Gribbets, do you know this? Do you know this legal system? Yeah, look hands because one person is holding two of them in the air. Yeah, Morgana fucking hates you. Grimmits, do you know this legal system? Yeah, look, this is... I've got some bad news and some good news.

Bad news is this is pretty... He's such a trooper that he's actually going into death now. This is pretty above my pay grade. I kind of know the local version of this Primus Court, you know, fencing disputes and whatnot. But it's basically the same thing. The good news is this is going to look very good on my CV. All right, then. I just want to get a framework for what this legal system is.

It's much the same as a regular legal system, except the lawyers can never mention anyone that they've represented anyone in these courts. That's a shame. It's like the Fight Club of law. So is this a... Now, I want Tom to answer these by himself without help from you guys, all right? So, Tom, do you think this is like a this is like a continental sort of

legal system that's been on the let's based on the rule of law and the letter of the law is it more of like a precedent setting move to silence the fucking nerd library king and is it even in a room with a bunch of people who've read lame books you've clearly read the most and the lamest. And Morgana goes, Bailiffs, deck that man. And actually Jeremy comes in and to his

credit he looks a bit embarrassed but he's like shrugs and then slowly decks you. The next time it'll be a double deck. And may God have mercy on us all. Don't do that. Is the system here that there is one judge we have to kind of persuade or is it a voting of the panel?

Okay guys, if I can interject here, I did pretty well at Goblin Law Tafe. So just... Another baffling reference for our international listeners. Guys, if I'm... Unless I'm mistaken, Your Honour, can I just say hi? Basically... Hello!

Hello! You are... They'll have a prosecution. They'll put some stuff to you You'll maybe have some time to prepare a response Then these planeswalkers here will vote Majority rules What's the punishment? What are we seeking here?

And that Morgana says The punishment for the execution of a planeswalker is death Death, so it's death that they're going for I thought it might be death Morgana says the punishment for the execution of a planeswalker is death. Death. So it's death that they're going for. I thought it might be death. What method of death are we talking here? What death it as we call it in the industry. Oh, let me answer that.

We spin a big wheel and then we shoot you in the face. You get to look at the wheel. You get to look at the wheel! Two more of the gif with black masks on the head. Wheel out behind him, a big wheel. A big chocolate wheel, just with colours on it, but nothing else. We all get to eat the wheel afterwards. Do you think a chocolate wheel is made of chocolate, Tom?

Is it not? Tom has ruined a great many church faiths. I was under the impression that we could eat the wheel. This is name Toblerone all over again. Your Honour, let's talk plea bargain. Guys, for a guilty plea, let's make this real

simple. Shooting in the face without the wheel. What do we reckon? We're happy to wave the wheel, but it will be eaten by the nine. Guys, they're willing to wave the wheel. I suggest you take this. No, Gribbets, no. Gribbets, no. We want to live and we want to see that wheel. What's the point of living if I can't see the wheel?

You are busting my hump here. We've got to be realistic, guys. All right. All right. Ophiuchus Turkin, counteroffer. Not shooting, see the wheel. How do we feel? Not shooting, see the wheel. Morgana's like, not at all!

No, yes, you're right. The shooting really is non-negotiable, but the wheel, now you're onto something. Okay, guys, I really have to keep it that they're willing to move on the wheel If you want to do this, it's your funeral quite quite now. I don't imagine they'll give you a funeral There's an unmarked grave situation, but hey Look if you guys want to go ahead with this I gotta I gotta wait You get fuck it not guilty. Yeah, not guilty. That's a play Okay, not guilty and least guilty

conflicting please Okay Not guilty And least guilty Conflicting please But both considered If Filch is not guilty And Friso is least guilty That means Bobby and Baston Are most guilty Oh hey Bobby How you doing? Got your tongue?

Alright This is like Actually you get to see Griff it's a little bit confident now I quite like it Did you say that Baston was here as well? No, no, he is being tried in absentia.

Oh, he's being tried. Okay, okay. He's been missing for a while now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happens now, Gribbets? Well, depending on what the custom is, I think they're going to present a case and we get to respond to it. Okay.

Let's get this party started. So since you mentioned that, a lot of the councillors have started to talk to each other. Indeed, their podiums, which are sort of clockworked and can tilt side by side, are connecting and meshing. You see Lady Casilda and Morgana deep in conversation. A huge barrel-chested paladin-looking man in bright silver armour is talking to Titania.

And you have a little bit more time if you want to talk to the Ophisiarch or to Gribbets who you've now brought into the scene. Is the Ophisiarch the Hippo judge? Yes. Gribbets whip the votes. Who's on our side right now? Okay I've run the numbers. Titania's on our side. Barely.

Okay. Lady Casilda Absolutely not. You took her ship I think and Gribbets is on a quick chat with all of them. Yeah, but... He's got a little iPad. But I think her and Bobby have some chemistry. Bobby, is that true? Okay, Bobby's telling me he locked her in a bathroom.

Yeah, after satisfying her immensely. Sure, but then he, I think... I think that would still ruin the day. I think that date would be a B-. Have I got this right? You hijacked her ship and life's work. Yes. I'm going to put her in the no column. Okay. Now is there anyone

on the fence who we should try and convince? Uh... Guys, look, to be honest I thought I was going to get married and love my life today so I'm a little bit distracted. Were any of her ex-boyfriends at the wedding? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, me just hoping she doesn't get jilted at the altar and then sees someone she... Oh, it doesn't matter, it's just a thought I had. Well, she... Bishyar Kurkan leans in as well, he's like, Yeah, you paid for your marriage to be space jumped. I mean, she wanted to invite Todd but they're just really good friends no just be weird and not to invite him you know why would we win not to invite they haven't been a fool oh it's two years

but that was a unis I just thought I like a box, like a shoe box in her cupboard she wants to show you? Yeah, it's like, you know, a special, what do you? Oh, it's probably letters or something. And this Todd, does he like draw really well or anything? Yeah, he made our invites. Oh, okay. Ah. Okay. That sounds real chill, dude.

What's your end game here? Because you seem to just be like distressing and making your own lawyer hysterical. Old habits die hard. Anyway. Oh, man, I don't know anymore. No, no, no, Grubitz, listen, listen. He looks up in his pad and he goes, the barrel-chested one, he's from the Blessed Fields of Elysium.

That is the planeswalker Sir Omric Gladstone, Lord Castellan and first Paladin of the Blessed Fields. Shall we introduce ourselves? Absolutely. Sir Omric. He looks up from his conversation. Hail! And immediately his podium sort of reticulates forward.

Inclusive. Hail! Make it tell you're really the bad boy of this court. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong. I'm widely regarded as a good boy. As in everyone else is a bit corrupt. Ooh, now I catch your drift. No.

All of us adhere to different beliefs, and sure, I might be the most pure kind of all of the members of the Nine, but I class myself so purely as a good boy. Right, but you wouldn't want to put an innocent group of people to death, would you? Or at the very least, the least guilty group of people to death. Nice. Certainly I'd hate to sentence any innocent group of people to death.

What does that have in relation to with this matter? I'm trying to work out if we're dealing in deception, persuasion, but if it's going to be persuasion, I need more of an argument. So what's your argument? Well, I think surely you can only be... Surely one can only be held accountable for crimes they remember committing.

No. No? What do you mean? Oh, he's right. He is a good boy. No, but like, I mean, what about that time you pissed the bed? That wasn't your fault, was it? No, but looking back, there are things I could have done to prevent it.

How do you know he pissed the bed? No, it was an educated guess, but correct. No, he pissed the bed. No, it was an educated guess, but correct. I have the vibe of someone who's overcome personal problems and grown as a result. Or did you ever, you know, get accused by your partner of doing something bad in a dream? But you never did that.

It was just a dream. That's the situation we're in right now. I couldn't disagree more. All right, let's hear what happens. First of all, make for me a persuasion check, and let's call it DC 14. That is 10 plus persuasion. Can we get the dice cam up?

I got a 20! 20! 20! Cool. So, Armric, there's a twitch in his moustache and he looks at you and he goes... You remember that dream. Well, I'll show you. What do you mean don't remember?

This Hyperion Max fella, we never heard of him until we got accused of murdering him. and Max Feller. We never heard of him until we got accused of murdering him. And it's possible that things occurred before we remember, but all we remember is waking up in the Shark Hole Bazaar being accused of stuff. That's correct.

So is there six months that you guys have lost since the end of Season 3 before this all began? I feel you're not lying, but my voice is getting really similar to the other guy. It's possible that there could be some ameliorating influence, but if you don't remember anything, how are you to say that you didn't do it under just those suspicions?

One could commit a crime, then erase the memory, and then plead that they were not actually culpable for committing the crime. But you can't purposely forget anything. Because then you've got to forget that you purposely forgot. And it's an infinite regress. Duh. Sick nerd burn. Anyway.

Alright, let's take a different tack then. Well, actually, all you do is just do it up to the point where... Like, that's obviously solvable. How? Because then you've got to forget that you forgot that you forgot. No, you just program yourself to wipe all the memories up to the point that you were like, oh,

why don't I wipe my memory? Who programs their own memory? We live in a world of magic. His face is a hippo. The other guy. The other guy. Let's take it.

A voice speaks up and goes, if the matter is one of memory, there are ways of retrieving lost memories. And you look and you see a figure who is until now not spoken at another one of the podiums, this time with a beautiful tapestry of books and cogs behind him.

And I gave you a remarkable amount of latitude because I was running late on this one, Tom. So you can describe them. Yes, good. What you see before you is a man with golden glasses, short-ish brown hair, a little long on the sides in need of a haircut, but relatively speaking, good looking. You wouldn't call him conventionally handsome,

but in some kind of niche performance area, he could be considered in the top percentile of looks. What do you say, he's an acting seven but a comedy nine? Certainly. Let's be realistic and call it an acting six, comedy eight. Would we say that, in fact, he's so well regarded that he's like Barry Award nominee but not winner? He certainly looks like someone who could use some fan art.

Does he look like a tadpole who got cursed into a man? Does, um... Sorry, Tom. Does he look like a... Oh, no. What have I done? I didn't realise that other people would get to describe me too. Does he look like an eight-year-old who was made into an adult by a slightly defective big machine?

Does he look like if you got steam riscobolus but only fed him on full fat milk from the ages of like 3 to 15? No, he's not Greek, yuck. What about... No, okay, and then that guy moves out of the way and you see the archivist who is completely bald but has a long beard that he's tied on the top of his head like a bow. I love that. Oh, I like that.

It's a wizened face, grey hair. A memory retriever, you say. And Gribbets momentarily escapes his stupor and horror at Todd usurping him in love and says that's the archivist from the House Eternal. Ah, archivist. Can you retrieve our memories and then make Gribbets forget about his love? No, I'd just like a bag.

Could you retrieve our memories but just like real quiet show them to us first? Because like the right to privacy of one's own memories. I would remind you, says Staya, that you're on trial for murder. And other things. She will remind you, says Steyr, that you are on trial for murder. And other things. She's got you there.

And as the archivist crosses his hands and floats down in front of you. Is the hair bow flapping? Yeah, it's a little helicopter. Now let us see. Oh man, a lot of different voices.

Let me see what's in my list of voices. Yeah, it's hard. Now let us see if we can reveal, if the soul can reveal what the mind cannot. I have one question before we reveal our memories. Oh, boring. Boring. Have we at all considered, if we find out that we did murder Hyperion Max,

why is that a bad thing? What if he was a bad guy and we were actually the heroes of this story all along? And even as you say this, the archivist waves his hands in the air and white light comes and it encases your head, Filch, and then chains of white light anchor themselves to the floor and you fall to your knees in front of him. Ow.

Owie. Sorry, we should have put a cushion there. Usually we remember. Now let's see what we have here. And he places his hand on your forehead. And he places his hand on your forehead. And as he does this, he pulls his hand back and an orb of white light is drawn from your forehead, Filch, and it stands there in the palm of his hand

and you feel a sense of unidentifiable loss as it sort of orbits his hand, it spins around his hand, and then he throws it up into the air where it backlights the orrery in a way that makes clockwork shadows fly through the chamber, and then that light bursts into a vision that everybody in the chamber sees of your memory, Filch. As you wake up in an unfamiliar place,

your head's spinning. I wake up in an unfamiliar place. As the vision takes hold, and you find yourself waking up. A moment ago, you realized that you were on Freeside. You had found the source of all of your problems

in the megacorporation Vos Saito and your friend Frizo was dying, as was your friend Johnny PlayStation. You had hooked his cryo cell up to the satellite's infrastructure and Johnny had somehow exploded in a way that had, in his apotheosis, thrown you clear of the destruction and out of the world as you knew it. And even as you blacked out, it seemed like Johnny's spirit was enveloping you and your friends, encasing you, shielding you, protecting you

from the destruction, some of which you had caused and throwing you far away among the stars. And now you wake up in an unfamiliar silver room. Am I inside my memory? You are, and so you can explore it now. And this is a memory that you did not remember. What can I see around me? So the room is gleaming silver chrome. It has a beautiful crystal ceiling that sort of wraps around it like a dome.

There is a silver chair in the centre of the room and a moat of crystal pure water bisecting it. Sit in the chair. Sit in the chair. Sit in the chair. I'm going to sit in the chair. And your friends are still unconscious around you. But I'm in a room I've never seen before.

That's right. Okay, I walk up to the chair and I sit in the chair. The moment you touch the chair, there is a whoosh and the screen of this beautiful crystal dome coalesces in fragmented shapes and forms and colours and it forms a low poly form of shapes and forms and colours, and it forms a sort of low poly form of a face that you recognise, your friend, Johnny PlayStation.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, OK. Hi, Phil. What's up? Johnny, what's happening? Oh, just kidding.

It's a recording. Oh! How did you know it would be Phil? I mean, come on. Phil, are you okay? It's a recording. Still a recording. I love all of you. This is as good as I could get.

You're on right now. My final gift to you. I'm all around you in some ways. I'm the code, baby. I don't know what I am, but it's fucking big and cool. Where's your butt? Recording.

Also, don't think too much about how I know to do that. It's kind of like I'm a god and stuff. Hey, think of a number. Can you roll a d20 for me? What's it say? 19. Were you thinking of 19?

Yes! Whoa! Whoa! I got you guys out of there as fast as I could. Sent you to a pocket of space that's teeming with beautiful souls, but there's something keeping the ship there. I don't know how you're going to get out of it. There's some kind of bubble encasing it.

You'll need to find a way to smash through that bubble if you want to break out and find your way home. I'm sure you can work that out. Where should... Is this a ship? Hey, guess what this is. What is it a ship? recording

Me not gonna fall for it the next time All right, if we don't have anything else, I think I'm gonna go do you have anything else you want to say? Yes Who should we go to next? How do we break the big bubble? That's a recording. You got me PlayStation? Oh, yeah, I did. And the vision disappears momentarily, forming and reforming until it again forms a perfect star map of the nine known worlds.

Encased in the cradle, those worlds within worlds that you now find yourselves trapped as you realize in that moment, Filge, that the only way home is to break through the cradle surrounding the world and find your own way. And with that, the vision ends and you find yourselves back in the courtroom. Innocent! I need no murdering! yourselves back in the courtroom. Innocent! I need no murdering!

If anything, we now know that you obviously wanted to steal the dang lance or spear to break through the big bubble. And we know that they're not even of this world or any of the nines. Well, how come you'd heard of us then? Well, you hung out with us for

six months. You did many of our works for us. That is the only reason you are for six months. You did many of our works for us. That is the only reason you are not dead already. You worked alongside Hyperion Max and then killed him in cold blood. Do you have any memories of us with Hyperion Max? Of course, but I've heard enough. I vote for death. And that Lady Casilda raises her hand and she says,

The forces of Dim Kakosa vote for death. Oh, okay. Do we get a vote? The archivist sort of shrugs and says, Well, who am I to say no to a good hand raise? Helps the circulation. And he also is voting for death. What about Titania?

Gladstone raises his hand as well. I may be good, but I'm not dumb. Well, tell me this. Did you ever find Hyperion Max's body? There's a murmur amongst them. Listen not to their silver tongues. Of course we didn't find Hyperion Max's body. Well, it's just if you kill us now,

you'll never know where we buried the body. No! And with a master stroke that Friso cannot help but feel is the culmination of his scant legal training. Is that not what you want to do? No, that's not what I want to do. And if the horrified expression on Gribbets' face is anything to go by,

he's surely done law well. The room falls silent, as even your new friend Jerome, the hippo man, shakes his head sadly. Filge realises that perhaps it might have been better to have her case tried separately for. It seems that crimes have been committed. Crimes possibly committed by you without your memories. Who can say whether you did or even how to defend yourselves?

It seems that this council is braying for your death. But how can one defend oneself from murders that one cannot recollect? How can one defend oneself from We're from laws that one doesn't understand and how can one defend oneself from a council whose names they barely remember? To tune in next time, one might find the question that they're for, Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Thank you. music by Dan and Liam Scarrett and our special guest today was the horrible despicable Tom Walker. Bye!