Dragon Friends - #4.12. This Sexual Wizard with Tom Walker

Episode Date: July 26, 2018

The City of Brass. The Feywild. Primus. Carcosa. The Deadlands and the Bluffs of Chance. The Blessed Fields and the Nine Circles. The House Eternal. Nine known worlds locked in celestial ballet within the Cradle, each seeming to know more about the Dragon Friends and their missing memories than the one before. If the Dragon Friends could regain these memories, they might have a chance to defend themselves against the crimes they're accused of - though Freezo is absolutely going to have to learn to shut up first. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, podcast listener. My name is Tom Walker, and I'm the special guest on this episode of Dragon Friends that you're about to listen to. Doesn't that wet your whistle? Aren't you champing at the bit right now, you crazy little podcast pig? You're just a little audio hog, aren't you? You want your big trough full of D&D slop. Well, don't worry, I'll get to it in a second um before the episode though if you like me and after to be honest after this intro you shouldn't because that was fucking awful uh but me and demi ladner have a podcast called big soft titty dot png it's available for download uh that's demi ladner and tom walker we've been on this show before um she played a goblin who was covered in eye patches and i've played characters that have died in every single arc, I guess.

So, yeah, thank you so much. Enjoy the episode. High above you, the Orrery spins the nine known worlds form and reform in their grand cosmic ballet. But below you, a sense of doom is rising in your bellies to your hearts. Four. Moments ago, this case seemed hopeful. You had secured yourself a goblin lawyer. Filch had said a very smart thing about missing corpses. Can I, can I just... as the officiarch of Primus, Hercan, rises to his feet

and clears his hippo-esque throat. Well, I think we've heard all we need to hear, even with my tiny, adorable little ears. Which waggles severely. I think the time has come for sentencing. After an unprecedentedly short... Sorry, we got thrown up by the Phoenix Wright sound effect. Legally distinct.

After an unprecedentedly short amount of testimony from the accused, I believe we're ready to progress. Yeah, Steyr was like, I had all this stuff. I had all these notes and I spent weeks planning this. And one by one the planeswalkers press a jeweled button on their consoles and their podiums flash red. First

Morgana's, then Lady Cacilla's, then with a sigh, Omrik Gladstone's. The archivist shrugs and his goes red as well. Dave, did you base this room on the set of one of those talent shows? No, this is particularly based on the set of If You Are The One. Great orrery on If You Are The One. And with a sigh, you realise the numbers are not on your side already,

but with four votes, it is sealed. And the officialk gives a serene harumph. Harumph. And Gribbets is like, guys, I did my best. You could have taken the wheel. You could have taken that deal. I arranged it very, very well for you. So if you could just send me home.

Send me home to the wedding. No fair, no foul. I've been thinking a lot about this Todd situation. There's some stuff that doesn't quite add up. Dates wise. Titania, that sort of like puddle you you like pick things out of is that a one way street

or actually it's interesting you bring that up anyway we're going to send your friend back to the approximate time and space

that he was taken from now the word approximate that I'm actually going to put up and it's a fun word goodbye and Grimmits disappears with a

Tatanya doesn't hear you because she's sitting there, hasn't pressed the button yet. Her magic fantasy button. Just a little bit of fucking respect, man. And she

holds her hand up like this and asks for quiet and says, while it is beyond a doubt that these people have killed one of our own, Hyperion Max, and then buried his body somewhere and taunted us with that knowledge. For some reason. It is also true that some time ago when my husband,

my darling, wonderful husband, with eyes like the first day of spring and a good dick. I mean, he really had a full-on hog. Like three of the nine turned to each other and were like, we get it. You fuck. Did me this great kindness for no reason other than that they could help.

So I use my power that I get, apparently, once every cycle, to not pardon, but to stay in execution, and to imprison them for life in the house eternal. Unless, of course, the archivist has any objections very good sitting on that through the whole first half I find myself... He was German. Yes, you're right.

No, I find myself amenable to the idea if we are to house them somewhere in an act of mercy to these misbegotten criminals, I see no reason as to why my abode should not be chosen. Your abode? Germany? So wait, you say we'd be imprisoned in the House Eternal? That's correct.

What's that like? I need to choose whether I want that or death. It's pretty cool, I like it. It's got nice high ceilings, there's great great coffee places around that I can pop out to, but you won't be able to. It's a nice area, but it's still got a bit of an edge about it. I just don't want to move somewhere where we're going to be part of the gentrifying problem. Do you know what I mean? I want to be like, I want to go to a cool area, but I don't want to be part of the problem is my point, you know? Oh, totally, totally. Remember when you said that you'd killed a man?

Maybe the murdering problem is the problem you want to distance yourself from first. I've got my priorities very well set in my mind. There is a rumbling and Ophisiak Herken speaks again. The right of clemency has been recognized by this council. We remand these wretched three to the custody of the archivist to store forever in his house eternal. And this council is now adjourned.

Before you do it, I'd just like to go on the record here and say I think that's bullshit. Who's that? Who are you? Steyr. Sort of been sort of the semi-big bad guy the whole time. No? Forgettable.

Didn't really go in? I would describe sort of the semi-big bad guy the whole time. No? Forgettable. Didn't really go in. I would describe this season's semi-big bad guy as having a lack of credibility. Is that? Yeah, I just sort of like, I was chasing you. You were kind of my quarry. I recognize you now. Sorry, sorry. I'm great with names, terrible with faces.

Anyway. Yeah, I've sort of just been brooding about. You are scared of me, right? Yeah, no, you are a real big tough boy. Yeah, that's good. I thought I was. Sorry, what was bullshit? The Hulk trial?

I agree. This whole thing was a sham. Well, no, I was saying you should be put to death here and now. Two of the GIF who are wheeling out the wheel sigh. They have to put it away again. Another day. But summon the chocolate wheel of clemency. Two more chips without a separate chocolate wheel.

It's noticeably smaller. Gaze upon the chocolate wheel and it spins. It's just not the same. How would you all be happy if we accepted life in prison, but you also got to spin the death wheel. I mean, sure. We're all here for the wheel at the end of the day, aren't we? Sorry, just to clarify,

you don't get to decide whether we spin the... Hey, fuck you! And before you can say anything, the archivist forms a symbol with his hands and it spins out, slams onto the ground and your feet and you plunge into blackness and then collapse in a heap in what seems to be

a giant vaulted room in a library. A huge sign above your head reads acquisitions. So here we are. Oh and he's there too. So that's yeah I don't actually, I'm just narrating your spells

because I didn't have time to do a character sheet, Tom. I did some research. Is this the archivist? Yeah, the archivist. Yeah, he's a wizard. So you've done a character sheet? What level is he? Huh?

What level is he? Well, I have an array of spells here, and he's a high enough level to cast all of them. All right. Okay, but you're powerful, right? Yeah, he's a high level. He's like a level five? I'd say more in the realm of, you know, 20s.

Okay. Does he go that high? Yeah, no, he's a super powerful, like, metahuman. So he, don't let the helicopter hair surprise you. Does he, does he have any, does he? So you can cast, like, Misty Step or Teleport or something? Oh, sure, I could cast those. All right.

Can you give us just a sneak preview of one or two of the spells you got there? Huh? Can you give us a sneak preview of one or two of the spells you got there? Sure. Okay, well, I'll start you off low. My first level spell is Block the Seed. Your first level is what? It's Block the Seed.

I think ducks can do that. I can cast this on myself. I can cast this on myself. I am incapable of getting someone pregnant or becoming impregnated for the duration of this spell. I am still vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases unless protective measures are taken. Can you name two other spells? Yeah, sure.

I've got a third level spell, Cursed Orgasm. What kind of prison is this? It turns out it's really easy to download. Fuck off! Fuck off! The PDF for the... BookofErosicFantasy.pdf Thank you very much. Yeah. Tom. Yeah. Have you

made our wholesome Dungeons and Dragons podcast take its final step into being just erotic. Cool, I'll just finish my thoughts. So, cursed orgasm. That means that the next orgasm of whoever I cast that on deals 1d6 per level to a maximum of 10d6 damage. Worth it.

What have I been doing? What have I been doing? It actually enhances the pleasure, weirdly. So yes, a powerful spellcaster not to be trifled with. Yep. Are we in a sex dungeon? You weren't, but...

It's really just a regular dungeon. I keep my work life and my sex life pretty separate. Tom, do you have any non-sexual spells? Let me just check here. Yeah, I've got Liar's Curse. I can choose whether to focus this on the target's penis or nose. Or nose.

Each time the target lies, the chosen body part grows larger. Does that mean that the fairy and or witch at the beginning of Pinocchio hesitated for a second and went, no nose. Nose is better. All right, all right. It cannot be dispelled. Is this real spell? Like, is this something that Mr Gygax came up with? No.

But this is a real book that I think was published at some point. Right, are we going to lose our Wizards of the Coast partnership over this? Alright. Here's a thought. This sexual wizard appears to... And we have the title of the episode, but go on.

Appears. This is just a sidebar, so you can't hear this. Dragon huddle. Dragon huddle. This sexual wizard appears to only be able to cast spells that affect our chonguses

and apparently our noses. So if we're willing to cop a real wrong bits and bobs for a while, I think we just kill him. Oh, I thought you were going to say, I think we might be very happy here. No, I don't want to have cursed orgasms. Okay.

Okay. Mr. Archivist. It's so much worse that he's German now for some reason. So, Mr. Archivist. Oh, yeah. It's so much worse that he's German now for some reason. What's up? How was the huddle? We had a pretty good huddle. We were just wondering if you wanted to let us go maybe from this place. Oh, absolutely not.

So what you're going to do here, come on, let me bring you on a tour. Alright. Alright. But if it gets weird at all, we kill him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we're gonna kill him first chance, mate. He touches you on the shoulder and as he does that the heavy chains that you've been wearing since you've arrived on Primus unlock and fall to your feet and there is a shimmering glow and your backpack

and weapons are restored to you. And he says, we have no need of such primitive ways of restraining here. Huh. Oh, you gotta give us all our stuff back. Huh, yeah. I mean, that's... Why would you... Okay.

There is no escape from the house eternal. Where you are now, you will never escape from, and so we have no need to keep you. You're free to wander these annexes and halls as you will. You said you could leave to go get coffee, though, so there is a way out. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I could leave. It's the same way many Vordens can leave their prisons, but unfortunately, prisoners, oopsies, they're in the prison now. So what's the difference between... Is it a key situation? Is it a key or is it a spell? Oh, is the difference?

I make this look good. All right, I'm killing him. In fact, as he does this, he indicates to a giant door that is locked and barred behind him that says entrance. And he says, this door may not be here for all the good it does. Try it. Feel free to exit anytime you want. Go ahead and try the fucking door.

Okay. I try the door. Stupid. The tumblers turn and the door opens and you can see freedom beyond. Alright, I turn and the door opens and you can see freedom beyond. Alright, I walk through the door.

Now I was just going to do like the normal fantasy thing of another door in the room opens and he comes through. But since you've invested so much into this sex wizard thing, Tom, you can say what happens. Okay, cool. Oh. Oh, none of this is good. You have just caught me scrolling past mass orgasmic vibrations.

I think, Tom... The only text for the spell is, as orgasmic vibrations, except this spell affects multiple creatures. Oh, no! I think, no, it's just another door in the place opens and you walk out.

It's exactly the same. Because, well, the archivist keeps his private life separate from his private life. Okay, but if we kill the archivist,

can we get out? No, you will be cursed to wander here forever with no means of escape. Did you ask the archivist that? We did. We did. We did.

He's happy to tell you. He has no fear. Oh, yeah. Okay, so first off, you can't kill meist that? We did. We did. We did. He's happy to tell you. He has no fear. Oh, yeah. Okay, so first off, you can't kill me. I'm very strong. Also. In a very specific school of magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm kind of like one of those guys who's really put his 10,000 hours into some things that I don't want to talk about. Because I'm on the clock. Ah, okay. But even if I was killed you would still be doomed to want to hear forever okay so just a just a recap your Malcolm Gladwell outliers 10,000 hours skill is it's magic in general and sex magic in specific. Okay, thank you. And are you the only warden here or are there other wardens? Oh, this place need not have wardens. It keeps you in all by itself.

So what happened? He walked through the door. Yeah, you walk through the door and you come, you find yourself entering. You walk through the door and you emerge... LAUGHTER ..through a portal built into another wall of the room. It's like you Scooby-Doo it.

Right. It's a really good room for Scooby-Dooing, yeah. Yeah. And so the acquisitions hall falls in on itself. So of all the worlds in the Nine-Owned World, some of them are globes like we know. The Abyss, for instance, is just nine disks circling each other. And this one is just a library folded in on itself.

No matter how far you go, you could travel this library and never find the same room twice. Okay. And although this is the entrance, it only folds back into the Acquisitions Hall. Are there any other prisoners here? oh loads I don't mean the books

that's funny yeah yeah wow one second and he writes that down because I do this all the time. I'm going to use this if it ever comes up again. He goes on to tell you that. He goes on to tell you if it ever comes up organically,

like I'm not going to plan around it, but you know, it just helps to have pattern. And then he goes on to tell you. That I'm actually taking improv classes to become better at this. It just matters, you know, interpersonal skills. Do you have to declare when you join an improv troupe whether you've studied sex magic?

No, it turns out a lot of people have, but very badly. He goes on to tell you... Improv. So there are other prisoners here. Yes, yes. The House Eternal is, because of its nature, a perfect place for the council to store dissidents,

heretics, those that have wronged the council but are not worthy of death, and indeed those whose existence is just an embarrassment to the council. And because it is infinite in space, there is space enough for all of them. So over the years since the Shard Treaty, hundreds of beings have found a home here. Can we meet any of these princes? Is there a meet and greet?

Oh, sure. Let me just... And he holds up a hand and a wine and cheese platter appears in it. Everyone, new people! All right, and a bunch of heretics, dissidents. And shameful people. And petty criminals and shameful people. Not all of them, because some of them are in the rec room. Yeah, but those that aren't, shuffle into the room.

Like people whose only food in this library are the rats that they catch and the occasional wine and cheese platter that the archivist deigns to humiliatingly bestow on them. wine and cheese platter that the archivist deigns to humiliatingly bestow on them. Yeah, I mean, that's... That can't go to the king. No, bestow is not a word. If you got another go, what would you say? Okay, we'll cut it out of the podcast.

If you get it right, we'll just go straight to this word. Okay, we'll cut it out of the podcast. If you get it right, we'll just go straight to this word. I'm just trying to do the end because I really want to do it this way. Bestow, fuck you all. Yay! Isn't learning fun? One of them, in fact, larger than the others, is 12 foot tall, a kind of titan figure with mottled blue skin

sort of pushes past you and makes a dive towards the cheese table. Is that Brie? Is that Brie? He just got here. Could be Camembert. Hard to tell on sight.

Anybody touch the Brie? No, it's just sort of a soft cheese. It's fucking mine! And he takes a plate and he goes into the corner and starts to eat it. But he like

keeps just looking at you. That's Ajax. He fucking loves brie. That's good cheese. Any grapes? I didn't see any. There were no grapes. But he looks at the archivist who sort of sighs

and waves his long and kind of disgusting fingers and with a sudden plop some grapes fall out of some kind of portal onto the table. And he eats them daintily while looking at you. So anyway, if that's all the questions you have, here are your new friends forever.

The bathroom is how do I put this, wherever you make it. And these are all books. Anyway. Okay. Dave, I'm going to do an Arcana check to find the most magical book. Where's the most magical book?

That's a 16 plus Arcana, which is 521. Where's the most magical book? Great question. An E-Wing on the third floor of the library in sort of like on the second shelf. And what is it? Can I tell from here? It's a book of all the fucking magic. It's just top notch.

Top shelf magic. A book of all the magic. No, no, no, no, no. I think you'll find that this is in keeping with all the fucking magic. Alright, Dave, take me there. What? Me take you there? How do you think this works?

No, you don't. We arrive in the library on the third floor. Okay, sorry, no. No cheese and no crepes. Third floor. Okay, sorry, no. No cheese and no grapes. And six days later, all of you make for me an exhaustion check.

Because Friso, and I'll make it for Bobby, who fails it. Anyone who fails? What do we add to it? DC 14. I wrote a 15. What's exhaustion? Just make a constitution save for me. All right, cool. Yeah, I nailed it.

Yeah, I nailed it. Okay, so I said Bobby's at disadvantage. So not having eaten the cheese not having even eaten the camembert for now six days you have wandered this library searching for the mythical second shelf in the e-wing on the sixth floor however as the staircases and corridors wind in on themselves you cannot help but feel that you will never find this place or this book that Friso inexplicably wants. However, on the sixth day, when all hope seems lost, you at last see a familiar face

as you turn a corner and you see, walking towards you, the Titan that you met in Acquisitions. Let me fucking guess. E-Wing, sixth floor? Yeah, it's a bit of a hazing joke we have here. What's the joke? We did an Arcana check, didn't you?

Yes. Oi, boys, you looking for the fucking book? Oi! And then he runs away. And also, you didn't get to see what that character looked like and nobody knows. Is that a second character? Yes.

Because if you hurry, I reckon you can catch him. Oh, we've still got our crystal bracelets. Should we try calling our ship? Even as you press them over the six days and they sort of throb. The what days? The six days. The six days. Okay, if that's what you say. And they sort of throb. The what days? The six days. The six days. Okay.

That's what you say. And they sort of throb weakly and... And die. Dave, I'm sorry. It seems, having left Primus, you were too far away from Logan. Ajax. You're a big blue boy. That's

right. What are you in here for? Oh, the list goes on. Doesn't really. It's just one thing. Heresy, really. Oh, speaking ill of the king. Or God, I think. God?

Sort of a big preacher deal Are you big in the atheist community in this regard? Big in the what? More of a technomancer, he says Are you a technomancer? Yeah Smooch machines and whatnot? Hang on

Are you asking me if I smooch machines or if I make smooch machines? No, no, no, hang on Do you think a mancer means kisser? No, no, no, hang on. Do you think a mancer means kisser? Yeah, no, like a romancer. What do you think a necromancer is? Someone who smooches ghosts. You're a necromancer when after you're done kissing the mouth, you move down slightly lower.

the mouth you move down slightly lower it would have i expected it good i don't know it was such a wholesome joke i expected that to be so filthy but i had to put it through like six filters to work out that it was just a delightful pun i can do it all i was a follower of perixx, he says. He who must not be named by the filthy council of the nine. Oh. Yeah, no, he sucks.

Perixx, we love. We love him. We are big fans. Exiled planeswalker, he whose podium will never again be lit. You know, blahdy blahdy blah. We noticed that at the court. Perixx you say yeah just did right then are you still a big fan big fan absolutely what happened to him well it depends on who you ask really you ah well

thank you for uh clearing that up well Perixx uh to tinker with things, sort of make things move around. One day he made something that upset the nine so much they decided to hunt him down. Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not. The lance. Oh! We've heard of it! We've heard of it!

Kind of like a crystal has good powers. What does it do? Everybody knows the story. It pierces the cradle, so they say. Pierces the cradle. That's the one. I bet I haven't seen it.

What a weird thing to say. Of course, for his crime, it doesn't sit with the whole nine known world situation. So he was banished into wild space not just he but all our people him in the entire giant race banished those nine yeah well nine aren't too popular in these parts as you can imagine oh yeah the nine of the worst yeah we killed one of them if that uh what see what we killed one of them. If that... What? See what? We killed one of them. We killed one of them

apparently. Oh, did you kill Morgana? Oh, I wish. Did you kill Steyr? Oh, dreaming of it. Oh, who was it that you killed? Just a little guy

called Hyperion Max. Yeah, Hyperion Max. What a fuckhead. He's the worst, isn't he? You fucking what, mate? He's the fucking loser. You fucking what, mate? He cried like fucking loser. You fucking what, mate? He cried like a child.

I gouged his eyes out with my thumbs. Yeah. Yeah. I cut out his tongue and then put it in his own asshole. I made him rib himself as he died. And he was like... I shiv Friso really hard. Hey, wait, what?

There was a noise I recognised from in here. Who's making that cool noise? Two things happened. The archivist shows up and you what? I have a toothbrush. Yep. That I have turned into a knife. Which is unnecessary because you were given your weapons when you toothbrush. Yep. That I have turned into a knife. Which is unnecessary because you were given your weapons when you arrived.

Yeah. Can I, wait, just, wait, Ben. No, you're shivving him? I'm shivving him. All right, roll to shiv him. I'm shivving him right where his really important organs are. Now, Ben, do you think I was doing it to your character? Yeah.

No, no, no. I was saying that's what we were doing. That's how we kill Hyperion Max. For fuck's sake. No. That doesn't count. You said that to the Titan. Yeah, I said that. No, no, doing. That's how we kill Hyperion Max. For fuck's sake. No. That doesn't count. You said that to the Titan. Yeah, I said that.

No, you were saying to the Titan. Because we were like, yeah, he screamed like a baby. This is how we kill Hyperion Max. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, okay. I wasn't doing it to you. And the Titan said, you fucking what, mate? Oh, I didn't hear that bit.

Did you think Ben, in a fit of rage, thought that you were telling him, Ben Jenkins, that what, at that very moment moment you were tearing off his tongue and putting it up his butt? No, I thought he thought... I thought Ben thought that I was trying to attack Ajax. You're a fucking robot. All right, he tries to shiv you, but he misses, and at that moment the archivist reappears.

Wow, so there's a lot of cool noises coming from in here that I know about. Hey, you guys playing nice in here? Yeah, I'm just going to go talk to some friends. And he sits in a corner and starts whittling a toothbrush. With an actual knife. So he's doing it with like a... Like with a claymore.

Two-handed. Archivist, can I just ask before we go on, are there any rules in this here, Wild West of a prison? No, it's pretty much pointless trying to enforce any of them. Anything can happen and it often does. Rules, rules, rules. What are they?

First-timers have to bring a partner. Wait, no, different rules. No, pretty much no, honestly. It's like the Wild West out here, except it's also the Wild West wing, Wild East wing, who cares, you know? And is there anything, like, dream scenario? Is this what you want in life, to be running this place?

I mean, yeah, this is really wonderful. It's a repository of knowledge. This is the best you could ever hope for? Yeah, do you have enough time for your other hobbies? I mean, I get enough time because I'm, you know, I'm only ever here when I want to. I make my own hours because the place supervises itself. Yeah, but in a way, aren't you like your own prison then?

If you have to be your own boss and it's like, oh, when, you know, when do I clock off because I'm always on up here in my brain even when I'm trying to pleasure many other people whilst being pleasured myself I'm still thinking oh what's going on in the house of eternity

um no and I disappear ah that'll sit with him. I'm going to let you say again, because I think you may have said something very foolish. What did you say happened to Hyperion Max? We were just trying to impress you. Yeah, that's us. We're a big, tough guy like you.

We thought, ooh, we should get in that gang. Because that's what you do when you go to prison, you join a gang. We thought you were against the Nine. We've been accused of killing Hyperion Max, to be honest. We didn't actually do it. We don't know. There was only one in the Nine that was worth his salt and oil. That was Hyperion Max.

Last I heard, he'd hooked up with the Dragon Friends three months back. Oh, well, those guys suck. They suck? What are your thoughts on those guys? I heard there was a pretty half-orc. I heard there was a high elf whose chongus was fine. No, that can't be the dragon friends I know of. They only had one half-elf, and his chongus is weird.

Nobody knows a lot about them, you know. Nobody knows what they look like. Everybody knows that the half elf don'ts have a weird dick, though. In fact, last I heard, the high elf had left the group, I think. Some sort of falling out. What over? I don't know. I mean, I only have one piece of information.

He's got a bad dick. Could be that. Very much that. I know they were together for some mean, I only have one piece of information. He's got a bad dick. Could be that. Very much that. I know they were together for some time, though, doing work for the council, you know. You're saying the high elf left the group? Yeah, that's what I heard. Oh.

He went out on like a solo kind of endeavour? Is this like a McCartney and Wing situation? I don't understand that reference. Are you familiar with... Alright. The year is 1960. The Deadlands. Yeah, I mean, look, I don't know what the situation was. I actually did hear tell

they'd set up something in the Deadlands. Who had the high elf hat? Some kind of citadel. Rose it's what I heard. Who had the high elf hat? Yeah. Some kind of citadel. Rose it from the ground, apparently. Woo! Filled it with all kinds of magical trinkets and books. Ah.

Citadel. Is this clicking anything in the old noggin? None of this is meaning anything to you. None of this. Any of these books all about memory? Yeah, there's the... He doesn't know that. Screenplay of Memento.

Wait, how does this... In what existence does this person know about the niche art film Memento but doesn't know The Beatles? Tell you why. I'm a bloody 90s kid. And he shows you a Buzzfeed listicle. Everybody make for me a perception check and tell me what you get. Oh, that's a big old one for Fuji.

Eight plus two is ten. So ten. You too, you too. Me? Yeah. All right. I got an 8 plus 3. And I'm just doing Bobby who with disadvantage gets 7.

Did anybody beat 14? No. Why? What would have happened? What would have happened? While you are talking about the niche 90s art film Memento... I think it's early 2000s, but let's...

None of you are, because at this moment he proceeds to explain the plot of Memento. And as you all draw near, and it is about the point when he explains to you that the friend that he met at the beginning may not in fact be a friend and is explaining that the woman spat in the glass. Wait, is this in Memento? This is the plot of Memento. Have you not seen Memento? I am sorry.

No, none of you notice rustling a paper behind you and suddenly there is a shadow over you as three beings of paper and bookbinding in the rough shapes of men rustling pages and legermain and legermain? What am I? Is that the right word? Are these like anthropomorphised books?

Are they book people? It's book golems. You get attacked by three book golems. Attacked? We're already in jail. Oh, and you die. Sorry, Dave. Don't worry, I got it. And they all attack because they all get a round of attacks. The first one attacks you.

Oh, these fucking things! The giant Ajax. And he gets, with his two claw attacks, a 15 and a 1. So both of them miss for you. And then they attack you, Friezo. And what's your armor class? 12.

Oh, that's low. 12. It is. You get hit by one attack, and that attack is for... 9 damage. Fuck. And Filch, you also also get attacked but they miss you as well

as they sort of rush in to attack you and they can talk they're like reading of fun oh let's kill it so these are made out of

they're coming down a dark corridor as I said which is why you miss them they just turn a corner and they're these giant eight foot tall golems of

they're paper right stitching paper and sort of leather brocaded covers. Okay, my understanding of books is that they're only good for burning, so... Whose go is it first? Oh, so in initiative order, the first one up is Frieza. Alright, so into the narrow tunnel they're coming through,

I'm going to cast Burning Hands. It seems like it's going to be pretty effective. Alright, yeah. So they've got to make a dexterity saving throw and beat 16. Okay. So the first one fails. The second one fails. And the third one, 13, succeeds.

All right. So how much damage? All right. I think it's 3d6 damage. Yes. So they take 4 for 11 damage. Cool. 11, 11. And they take four for 11 damage. Cool. 11, 11, and the other one takes half damage.

Half damage. Yep, so six. And that's your go. The next one is Bobby, who attacks the nearest one with his short sword, but with disadvantage misses and, in fact, rolls a one and drops his short sword. If you rolled a one, you can roll again. Oh. He hits. All right. Go, Bobby. Yay. And you can roll again.

He hits! Go Bobby! And I tie their shoelaces together. I go between their legs and I say, not on my watch, and I gently tug its hair. Give a little smooch on his face. He's not a fan of using a sword, is he? But he does this time, and he does nine points of damage, and the next one is you, Ajax, as you draw the giant claymore that you didn't use when you shivved. And then I look at it, and I go, no! And I pull out my toothbrush.

All right. And I... We will say that he knows something that they don't know, which is that the book blight golems that sort of haunt this library have vulnerability to toothbrush shivs. Yep. It's all in the notes. He goes for the stitching that holds.

You know, there's like stitching. He tries to worry at that. So he rolls a... That is a two. He has multi-attack, I forget. Oh, yeah. Just roll one of them. That is a two. Well, that doesn't matter. All right. He misses.attack, I forget. Just roll one of them. That is a two.

Well, that doesn't matter. He misses. Congratulations, Filch. I'm just going to follow up with some fire with more fire. Fight fire alongside fire, as they say. By the way, the moment you used fire on them, they reared back and it seemed to do twice as much damage to them. Yes!

So I'm going to use my flail of fire. I'm going to flail at the nearest one. 13 plus 7 is 20. 20 is good. 20 is a critical. Congratulations. Everybody here a little bit more sedate out of respect for Simon's kid.

It wasn't a natural, so that's fine. So you do double damage and then double it again. 8 plus 2d6 plus 9? What the shit? Plus 4. Plus 4, okay. It's a 1 and a 4. Yeah, 6 plus 10, so double that 20.

20, and you doubled it again? You doubled the dice and then you doubled it? Yeah, that's 40 damage there. No, no. You roll twice as many dice. It doesn't matter six 26 damage all right so that that's going to be enough to consume one of them and they burst into fire and fall back the other two are there how you feeling Phil I'm feeling good it's been a while since I fought it seems that way. Just good? Just good. What do you mean? What?

I don't need now. I'm alright. They're just paper. I'm not going to waste it. They attack next. Only two of them are left. One of them attacks you, Friso. It attacks and it hits you twice. So that's going to be

six, eight, 14 and 13. So 27 points of damage. Oh, all right. It's a double hit. Maybe I should have been a bit more cranky. The other one attacks you, Ajax, and it only hits you once and it hits you for 9, 14, 16 points of damage. He's fine.

All right, well, Frieza's dead. Frieza's dying? Yeah. Okay, Frieza starts to die. How many hit points do you have? 32. All right. Then that seems very low for level 6.

And one of the golems says, a real book can knock you down. Too soon, man. Too soon. Bobby rolls next. He gets a six and a three, so neither of them hit. Ajax, you're up.

I try the toothbrush thing again. And this time I roll a 19. All right. Congratulations. Well done. That's a, we'll call that vulnerability. So what is a toothbrush? I should point out it's that vulnerability so what is a toothbrush um I should point out

it's the pointy end of a toothbrush that they've sharpened with a very sharp and powerful weapon D6 yeah if anything the toothbrush

was learning from the sword alright 16 points of damage put me down for 500 Filch you're up I just remembered

we just saw Friso die That Friso left the dragon friends And I'm really mad at Friso So I attack him, no Just real kick him in the dick while he's down And I take out my anger and frustration and confusion On the two annoying books

Great, okay, you can make your attack. You now get a bonus attack as well. Great. Well, I'm going to keep using my flail of fire. Yes, that's right. What? I get two 20s, don't I, Dave? Yeah, I was just giving you...

Never mind. Okay, so you, with an 8 and 18 plus 4, one of them hits? Yeah. It's plus 7, so it with an 8 and 18 plus 4, one of them hits? Yeah. It's plus 7, so it's 15 and 25. Okay, still one of them hits. I'm overwhelmed. Oh, no, sorry, both hit, both hit, both hit. My damage, this one, that.

So that's that. 6, 11, and then I do that again. Is that right? Yep, so that's 22. And then I do 4, 4, 2, so 10. 10 that's 22. And then I do 4, 4, 2. So not 10. 10, which becomes 20. So swinging...

No, plus another 4. Because it's plus... Anyway, it doesn't matter. Sorry. It's so fun of the amount of skills you can learn over the amount of years you guys have been doing this show. Yeah, in the Malcolm Gladwell scale of things, how long have we been playing?

Can you add 4 to all of them? You've put so many hours into playing D&D badly that you've gotten really good at playing it badly. It's amazing how you cannot learn something if you don't want to. Bilge goes into a faraway place and then swings her flail of fire in a figure eight and then starts just smacking the shit out of these golems. It's painful to watch.

It's kind of embarrassing. At first it's invigorating and exciting, but then as she keeps hitting them, it kind of becomes embarrassing, and Ajax and Bobby sort of look away as they are reduced to cinders and pulp. Once they fall down... We're not making papier-mâché.

She keeps just stomping on them. What are those squiggles on your pages? As she destroys the book blight golems, they both collapse and crack and you have, congratulations, you have defeated the three book blights and Friso continues

to die. He doesn't look so good. Ajax, are there any doctors imprisoned? You know, for malpractice or anything? Malpractice or just... Yes, there's one, but he's not very good. Yeah, I seem to recall one. He was brought here for being part of a really unfunny improv troupe.

Okay, a short time later in the filthy clinic of Dr. Dave, the third MD. No, no, I don't want to do this easy. Let's play out the story. I don't want this to be like some Friso's fine thing. This should feel real and should be a risk. You're about to go see a doctor whose beat qualification is improvising. So I think you'll be okay? I don't know.

You can do what you want, Dave. But I feel like that's too easy for Friso. Hi, I'm Dr. Dave. I'm here from huffing a lot of painkillers. How can I help you'll be okay. I don't know. You can do what you want, Dave, but I feel like that's too easy for Friso. Hi, I'm Dr. Dave. I'm here from huffing a lot of painkillers. How can I help you? Dr. Dave, my friend here is dying. Please, please help him. Well, if we'd flashed forward, I probably would have,

but since we haven't, what's in it for me? Oh, I like all his stuff. Can I have that? Yeah, you can have whatever you like. Great, I'm having this magic sword. Can I have this? Yeah, you can have whatever you like. Great, I'm having this magic sword. Can I have this spell book? Sure. These pants? Yep, yep. There's a backpack.

Oh, I didn't even think of that. I'll take the backpack. You like guns? Oh, has he got a gun? Yeah, he's got a gun. I'll take that as well. So I'll take the backpack, the gun, the sword, the spell book and the pants. Backpack, gun, sword, spell book, pants. And he hands you a paracetamol.

I start to choke him. I'll be like, do proper magic. Oh great, and he makes a medicine check and he rolls a 15 and congratulations, you're stabilised. One hit point. That will be all your stuff. Goodbye forever. And he leaves

the archivist disappeared he's like wow it's just like a scene from a medical drama you guys ever watch that like chicago hope you ever see that they took it off the air a while ago it It's like that one show where the doctor was grumpy. No, that was also it. Great, so you guys are restored and Ajax is still with you. Ajax. Now, me think we have more in common than you think. I know you feel upset, Hing,

but on the plus side, you have your pride because you didn't do it the easy way. You got fellow followers of Perixx on the outside trying to get you out? Well, most of all the Titans have been banished to an outside world in the wild space. We've been there. What? Yeah, we've been there. How did you go there?

A dirty little goblin took us there in a cannon. Wait, you've seen my people? They survived? They endure? They're doing so well and they miss you. What did they say? Who should we meet? Did you say their name was Ajax?

Yeah. Oh, they were all asking about you. There's a big statue there, but somehow you're even bigger than the statue they made of you. And Perixx, did you meet Perixx? Yeah, we met Perixx. First of our people? Yeah, we met Perixx.

Do you know what? I hugged him. He hugged me. It was very cool. And his helm. Does he have the helm? The helm. His magical helmet that allows him to travel between worlds.

Oh, we saw that and he was wearing it and no one took it. Well, that's just a weird thing to say. And you know what? He actually gave us the lance for safekeeping. It's on our ship. He looks for a moment overjoyed and then crestfallen as he goes, What point is this? It is good to know that my people survive, but we will be lost here forever for no one escapes this place.

Only one person ever managed it and no one knows how they did it. What was their name? Well, actually, it's interesting you say because that person wore a fake face and a fake name the entire time he was here. It was only two months ago. And that man's name was Nicolas Cage. Or maybe John Travolta. It's hard to remember. No one could know that man's face. I knew it once, for I saw him do it.

But the archivist took that memory from me, and now it resides in one of his studies. But I do know the name still, though I shouldn't by all rights. And as he says this, he starts to unbuckle the chainmail shirt that he's wearing and pulling it back. For before he could take my memory, I carved it into my own skin so that I would not forget. Just like memento! And as he does, he rolls back his sleeve and in an almost childlike script, a scar has

formed on his wrist and on it you can read the word Frizzo. What? Oh, man. Friso, the dragon friend with the bad dick? Yes, even that dragon friend with the terrible dick. Well, I'd never known their names at all. I just knew them as the dragons. No, also, what's this all about having a bad dick?

What is this about having a bad dick? No, you said you'd heard of them and you agreed he had a bad dick. No, no, the song, the songs are very specific. There goes Frieza with his perfectly normal dick. It feels like that doesn't scan. It feels like that doesn't scan.

It goes the normal direction and is normally thick. What happened? Just an average size and girth and taste. Are you finished? Sorry. When you see it, you don't go, is that a swizzle stick? Here goes Friso.

Let's speak of his dong. Everybody knows that it is really normal. Wait, what happened to Frieza? What happened to him? Yeah, what happened to Frieza? What happened to Frieza? Is he alive? All I can tell you is what I knew before the archivist took my memories. That Friezo was here not three months ago. That he somehow did the impossible and escaped this

prison with no doors. Escaped this prison of which there can be no escape. And I saw it happen, but that memory is no longer for me. It is but another orb in the archivist's study, another trophy for him to marvel over, gone from my memory forever. But this shows there's still a way. We're going to find your memory. We're going to find Friso and we're going to take you back to your family. Yeah, once I see this Friso, I'm going to compliment him on his death. But how can the dragon friends find a memory in a maze with no end? What of this archivist's study?

And how can one find an entrance amidst no exits? And even if one can, how can one escape from a prison that cannot be escaped? And I've fallen into a loop for the answers to questions that can not be answered for. How can one escape from a prison with no walls? Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Michael Hing and Simon Griner

and they're DM'd by Dave Harmon with MPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs the website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre. Music this episode was by Dan and Liam Scarrett and I was the special guest. My name is Tom Walker and you can check out mine

and Demi Lardner's podcast, BigSoftTitty.png That's all one word. Or just do yourself a favour and search our names on the apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts i don't know how you live maybe you're one of those stitcher people but if you are please be kind to yourself and uh get another app because i've tried using it it's a goddamn nightmare anyway that's enough from me bye