Dragon Friends - #4.14. I'm Very Good At Punching Fish

Episode Date: September 6, 2018

Blood lies on the tiles of the House Eternal. The Dragon Friends are far from home having lost their ship, their homelands and even their very memories... until an unlikely ally returns with some very welcome news. Also Ben makes a pun and is way too chuffed about it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahoy, Dragos! Eden here. Exciting news! The Dragon Friends are very happy to announce that we will be involved in an international podcasting event. That's right, the Wizards of the Coast has created the Podcast of Waterdeep, a series of 10 podcasts by 10 different groups of nerds just like us, telling one continuous story set in and around the city of Waterdeep. We'll be doing episode two featuring special guests Matt Young from Hello from the Magic Tavern and Mazmataz from Hell's Bells. The story starts September 10, so search for the official Dungeon Delve podcast on iTunes

or wherever you podcast from to find our episode and check out some of the other great D&D creators involved. But what of the fate of Bobby Pancakes, you ask? Find out right now on this episode of Dragon Friends. Right now. Right now. Now. The episode's starting now. Bobby Pancakes, he who rules sin in the city of water, deep saviour of Daggerford, hero of the lost folk of Ravenloft,

master bicycle riding, cool dude in the cyber Tokyo future lands of 2075, an all-ride guy with an immovable rod, is dead. Now the question is, can I comment on everything as a ghost? I think the canon on that is you're not allowed to, because I tried to one of the times when was in a freezer and it was dead and Ben yelled at me so I think the show would be better if you could

but I'm just trying to talk into my cat you're still talking into your cat I have a question what the fuck that's right. So, Bobby, you stabbed yourself with the dagger and you are now lying dead on the ground.

I'm not going to give you death saves because the aim was strong and true. Wait, shouldn't Bobby... I know you've already ripped up the character sheet and we've moved on, but shouldn't Bobby have to, like, roll to see if he hit himself? No, that's... No, no. Okay, you didn't.

In an accidental, like, in a combated death, you would get death saves, but you tried to kill yourself, and that is something that you are able to do, so congrats, I guess. And Phil, you... Phil, you're up. You want to start? You just finished a very chewy taffy.

Oh. Bobby? Bobby? Ha ha ha. Funny prank, everyone. You got me. Frieza, you can hear Filch's voice from

the other side of the bar gates. Oh, that means I can yell back. You can. In fact, there's a little metal grill you can slide open if you want. Filge, what happened? Bobby did the stab, so can you put Bobby on? Do you remember in the first episode of Dragon Friends when we drew short straws to see who would have to tell Filge that Katie was dead?

Yeah. The thing is, there's no one to draw straws with. So now we have to watch... So who am I here with? Just you and Friso for now. No, it's you and the archivist. Is the archivist still there? Yeah, the archivist is...

Oh, okay, well, that didn't work for him. He's actually making notes. He's lost in his own world. So wait, do I... Is the archivist still there? Yeah, the archivist is... Oh, okay, well, that didn't work for him. He's actually making notes. He's lost in his own world. So wait, do I... Does Freezone know why it worked for Freezone and didn't work for Bobby? No, you don't. I don't.

It was the same dagger. Same dagger. He said, fuck us like a ding-dong, which was the magic words. Yes, he said... Or potentially they weren't. So now me try with new magic words? I don't know.

What are your magic words? Hello. Bing bong. Suddenly you feel a rumble in the flagstones that you're standing on. As I said, there's only about five feet before they fall away into literal nothingness. Dragstones that you're standing on. As I said, there's only about five feet before they fall away into literal nothingness. The entire air around you seems to shimmer,

and you feel a great whoosh of energy coming towards you as if from a distance. Friezo. Okay. Can I see anything? Can I see anything approaching? Yeah, you can see a shimmer in the flogiston that seems to be... There's a moment where it seems to be about to break and surf. I do want to kind of check real quick. Of course you do.

14 plus. Any fingerprints on that ship? You know what? It appears to be magical in origin. I rolled a 19. Yep, it's magical. That's what an arcana check does. Is the door magical? The door is magical, but you can tell actually with your

19 that on this side you can manipulate the door. The magic breaks from this side. Oh, I open the door then. The doors swing open. Wait, what? And you see Bobby's lifeless corpse. What?

Should we have tried to open the door? You idiot! Are you fucking serious? What? Should we have tried to open the door? You idiot! Are you fucking serious? What? And at that moment, the shimmer becomes a rumble and the rumble becomes a clanging and then parting majestically, the surf of the Flodgestan opens

and you see from the heavens themselves transported, flying on fire itself, a triple-mastered ship that even with your memories gone, some glimmer of memory reminds you is Hyperion Max's own flagship, the Flying Dutchman. But memory is not necessary

for standing at the nose of that ship you can see waving a sword holding the rigging is a figure in a powerful red coat and cape his black hair swaying majestically in the ether. Down hops one Baston Indrirovich. I'm the best. Oh, yes. The best. I'm the best on a flying ship, no less. As I knew you would be missing me, I'm back without request.

I was gone. I've returned with my first mate John Starburns. Those my enemies were vicious, now they're sleeping with the fishes. Woke up on the bluffs of chance, bright red coat, tight new pants. Hyper-Eon Max, the one for whom we quest. Hop on the flying Dutchman Yes, I am the captain I'm the best, I'm the best, I'm the best Foe by foe One by one

I fly-kicked most everyone Don't deny to me that you're not unimpressed You thought that I'd forget You passed on to the rescue I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best I am the best!

I'm the best. Eden! Welcome back to Dragon Breaths, Eden Lacey. Bastogne throws at the end of that incredibly choreographed number in which it seems that Bastogne has convinced six to eight dancing sailors to participate in. He throws an incredibly ridiculously ostentatious feathered hat in the air and then jumps daintily down onto the flagstones of the House Eternal and catches the hat at the peak of the song while the flying Dutchman fires powder out of every cannon simultaneously and at that moment notices the dead body of Bobby Pancakes.

So many emotions. What? What the fuck? What? What? Okay. I obviously missed something here. I have something. Hello? Hello, friends. Do you have a sad song?

Oh. I have clearly misread the room. Hello friends! Do you have a sad song? I have clearly misread the room. Do you reckon we can do I'm the best in a minor key? So, this is my ship. As you can see I put a little exp in the song, so you should be all caught up on where I've been. A figure, you notice a figure with incredibly long, sharp sideburns and a sort of rakish hat in a very dark brown coat. Says, it's not your ship. This is my first mate, Johnny Starburns.

I let him, I give him a little leeway. I'm not your first mate. We've talked about this before. And I'm the your first mate. We've talked about this before. And I'm the captain. Okay. This ship belongs to Hyperion, Max, until he, at such time, returns. And when he returns,

I'll fight him for it. That's not what the agreement was, but welcome. See your friends in a bad way. Speaking of people in a bad way, do you know what happened to Hyperion Max? I don't think we really have time to discuss this. And then the archivist is like, hey, that's Hyperion Max's ship. And Johnny Starburn at that point pulls a device out of his pocket and throws it to the ground.

And snow turns to ice and ice turns into a wall that traps the rest of the House Eternal behind the two of you, behind Bobby's corpse. Cool. All right. Will we filge? Filge! It doesn't look very strong. It doesn't look like it's going to last for very long.

Filge, remember when Katie was real sick and you carried her around? It doesn't look like it's going to last for very long. That's what we need to do with Bobby. We need to grab Bobby's corpse. Let's get on the ship. We need a leaf! All right. Get me a leaf. All right. Get me a leaf.

Put this hat on him. It's like a leaf, a felt leaf, a big red felt leaf. All right. Okay. When you get a weekend of Bernie's meat for the rest of the season. Filch bends down and scoops him up. He seems pathetically light in your hands as you pick up the broken body. Oh, slack. He's been working out.

Don't speak ill of the dead. Of Bobby Pancakes lying in a small congealing puddle of blood. You pick him up, the dagger left uselessly on the ground. As you cradle him to your breast and you make your way onto the ship where you see a number of stalwart sailors. One who is standing a little ahead of them with a shiny rapier, a lizard man with a sort of powerful snout. And it has to be said, more impressive trousers than the first mate that you saw before,

but not as good as Bastogne's. Quick dragon huddle. Come on, Bobby. I don't know if we're ever going to be able to hang out with Bobby again. What do you mean? Well, he's not in a good way. But if somehow, and I don't know how it works, but if we can find some powerful magic to bring Bobby back somehow,

I think we shouldn't tell him that I could have just opened the door. Because, I mean, that... If I was him, I'd be mad at me if I knew that. And there seems like a lot of tension anyway so we'll just forget that that... While you guys are talking, Johnny Starburst, first mate of Hyperion Max

and is quickly talking to Baston Andreevich. Cast off anchor, ship shape, ropster, starburst. Do none of that. Most of those aren't things.

Look, we had a deal. Right. Because of your relationship with Hyperion Max, we agreed to help you find your friends and now we'll be on our way and you'll be on yours. Right. Uh, and we'll hop off the way and you'll be on yours. Right. And we'll hop off the ship then because it's mine. Okie dokie. Why don't you go

say hi to your friends? Look, I'm a reasonable and fair man. You're neither of those things. Shotgun! Me wanna drive. You don't drive a ship. Me wanna drive the boat. You don't. It's not a boat. This way, Filch. I'll let you look at my wheel.

And Bastogne takes you through the crew who are sort of confused. Filch still carrying the body of Bobby Pancakes. And you can see the ship's wheel. And embedded pulsing in the center of the wheel is a shard that you now recognize as a planar shard. This is obviously another one of the planes walking. Is there a prettier one then? Sorry? Oh boy. Oh boy. If it's a planar shard, is there not a prettier one then? The Flying Dutchman is another of the nine planar vessels controlled by the nine planeswalkers that make up the Council of Nine in the nine known worlds.

Hyperion Max's ship, this one from the Bluffs of Chance, and the first mate, Hyperion Max's first mate, Johnny Starburst, who has travelled with him on many of his adventures and seems to owe something even to you. Remember when we were coming up with this, we were like, not Johnny Starburst, but something like Johnny Starburst.

We'll just come back to that and then it's Johnny Starburst. That's how we ended up on Hyperion Max. Starburst or Starburn? Starburst. We meant Starburst because we thought...

Weird spin-off for that character from Community, wouldn't it? Yeah. Baston, what's been happening? I'm a captain now.

Matt? I don't want to be. He's not. Captain speaking. So, captain to captain. Yeah, she clamps her fingers over his lips. So, we were in there. There were those demons. And I flew through.

And then I woke up in the bluffs of chance. And there were these guys with a ship. And they loved me. They were just like, oh, we love you. Come be our captain. And I said, no, I couldn't possibly. Okay. And then they were looking at my...

I used my crystal bracer to find you. Oh, nice. And you can see it's actually, for the first time, it's sort of glowing dully. Yeah. Using incredible science you wouldn't understand. And the first starburst is like, obviously trying to correct things. So we knew you were here,

so I guided them through. There was a lot of bad, I killed a dragon. Have you got your memories back? Not since, no, I don't think so. Okay. Wait, from when? From when we woke up without our memories.

Wait, what happened before that? We were in... We were in... The last thing I remember is setting fire... Is blowing up the casino. Baston seems a little confused, and he stops to confer with his lizard man friend, Jeremy. Hey, Jez.

I mean, Jeremy, sorry. Jeremy Scaleson, the lizard man. Yep. We spent the interval making you a new character. So this is a level six bard that will be played, a lizard folk bard that is now going to be played by Simon. Jeremy, what are you talking about?

Best on. You are a man after my own heart. Yes. Oh, I like this voice. Yeah, this is good. I don't know what he's talking about. I've never met this man before in my life. He always does this. We've known each other for months.

Johnny Starburn says, we've known you alright. We were with you at the fault line. We were with you at the battle of the fault line. And it's only out of respect for what you can't remember that we did you this favor. Now please, we're reasonable on this ship. We think that it would be best we could return you to your ship, which is currently impounded by Steyr,

help you break it free, and then we'll go our separate ways. Johnny, I think you should be a sport and fill them in on some of the memories that they've lost. Well, I don't know how much you guys know about Hyperion Max, but you... Dead. What? He's dead. That's not true.

Well, many people think he is dead. We got... That's why we're in jail. We murdered him. We were told we murdered him. No, you see? And he's got these, like... And if you kill us, you'll never know where we buried the body.

Johnny Starburst says, that's a lie and I can prove it. And he pulls his long hair along his sideburns back. And suddenly you can see in the skin of his cheek what almost looks like some kind of shrapnel. But each piece is a gem. Some of them dull, some of them shining. And he goes, this shrapnel was made when we embedded that planar shard in the ship's wheel at that moment every crewmate on the flying dutchman represented one shard and as they've died one by one these crystals have gone dark and this one and he taps a ruby above his eye is hyperion max and by its

glittering he still lives can he feel it when you tap it please please don't. Tap, tap, tap. I can feel that. And rather you didn't. No, Hyperion Max left. Tap. Oh, God. Left us some time ago. See if you can get it out. Just see if you can tap. Do you like it when friends pick your scabs?

I don't know what. No. No. Your fingers are bonier than mine. You should do it. Okay. Go on. No, Matt, tell us what you're going to tell us.

Smack! We fought some months ago at the fault line, the Time Worm. So he goes on to tell you... And I'm very tired. Hyperion Max, for a few months after the Dragon Friends had arrived, you had traveled with the Heart of Glass alongside the Dutchman and you had gone on missions in the service of the Council

working with Hyperion Max. One of the most important missions that you had gone on is now called the Battle of the Fault Line. It was a crack in the side of the cradle when a stellar dragon was trying to make its way in. And Johnny Starburns goes on to explain that many members of their crew died. Almost all of the dragon friends were overcome.

But in the end, only Bobby, Friso, and Max were still standing when the dragon was defeated, and you were able to close the fault line. And for that heroic deed, your friendship was blooded forever. Right. With the Hyperion Max's crew. That's right, and that's why they're going to help us escape. So you said that they were the only ones standing, so where was I?

You were all unconscious. Oh, okay. Can I... Johnny Starburst? Yes? Can I ask... Is the... How do you know to trust the Globbing Ruby?

Is there any way that could have been... Is there a type of sorcery that could lie to you through that? How much do you believe in the Ruby? I believe 100%. It never steered me wrong before. He can feel it. He can feel it? He can feel his life force as much as I can feel... Well, after the fault line, we sort of went our separate ways.

Max went one way, the dragon friends went the other. Friso, too, left the dragon friends. Went to build some sort of tower in the Deadlands. Wait. The way you said that, Ben, it looked like you were making that up out of nothing. That's called acting, mate.

Okay. Wait, so there's the Dutchman with the dragon. Oh, boy. It's a spare time. So when we go to our ship, we'll use the ruby to show them the Hyperion Max is still alive. Yep. Then they can unimpound our ship because they'll know we're not guilty of killing him.

Okay? We don't have time for that, says Starburst. Starburst, Skaleson, to Primus. Okay, once again, don't do any of those things. There's no time. If Hyperion Max lives, we've wasted too much time already. We're going to scour

the Nine Known Worlds and we're going to find him. Now, we're offering you to drop you to your ship where you can try and undock it yourselves, but I wouldn't want to get tied up in the bureaucracy

of the Nine. So what's the other option then? We go with you to find Hyperion Max. If you please, although you't want to get tied up in the bureaucracy of the Nine. So what's the other option then? We go with you to find Hyperion Max. If you please, although you'll have to get to work, scrubbing latrines and punching fish. Space, space, fish? Space fish. We dangle you by a rope, and when you see a good one, you smack it.

And what is this? Are they good eating? Oh, they're terrible. So what do we use the fish for once we punch them? It keeps the blood entertained. Is Bastogne good at it? Oh, he's the best. I punch a fish like it were

easy just like it were right in front of I'm good at punching fish. Okay. What will it be? Dragon huddle. Should we go? This sounds like a pretty good plan. Do we want our

own ship or do we want, I mean I'm the captain of this ship so it's fine. Yeah but I'm the captain of the other ship. Do we need to save our guy though who's on that ship? Well the other thing is that you have to remember and I don't know again how well you guys know the game Dungeons and Dragons but you have

Bobby's body. Oh yes. Now the way resurrection magic works is that there are spells and powerful priests and clerics that can bring bodies back to the dead but once the bodies are too decomposed or too cut apart and scattered to the winds, you can't do that.

You need the intact body. So in some ways, time is no longer on your side. We could make him Zom Bobby. So we can't... No, we should go up into space. Let's go up into space and dangle Bobby out the window for a bit so he freezes.

We could just trail him along behind us and then he'll be all preserved in the cold and then we can take him to a witch and she'll make him better. But what about space fish? This is Jeremy Scaleson again. If you dangle a body Outside the ship A space fish will come And chomp it up

Sure you'll catch that space fish But then what will you do with it? Eat it? I don't think so Well Can't Bastogne punch them away? You seem weirdly invested In the integrity of Bobby's body

Jeremy Scaleson Well He looked Like a good little guy Jeremy have you ever Preserved a body before? It's funny you should say that. I eat bodies.

Alright, well you're not that near Bobby then. But he looks so delectable a morsel. I just feel like if we put Bobby's body out into space and then we've got to put another body out there to get rid of the fish to eat the body. This is really like the old lady who swallowed the flies. You know what I mean? Sooner or later, we're all going to be out there

punching fish off each other. And then who's going to be in here cleaning the latrines? You know? So I think we should go to Primus because there's more likely to be a cleric there who can raise Bobby from the dead. That's true. Titania, for example, is a powerful magic user.

Oh, she's a pal. She likes... She likes Bobby! Yeah, she does like Bobby. But the Dutchman, having just helped you in a heist, having just thwarted the archivist, they won't let you approach Prime, the capital city of Primus.

They will, however, take you as far as your ship, which has been impounded, as you know, by the Steyr fleet in orbit. They will go no further. Okay, let's do that. Let's just go to our ship so we can fly to Primus. Let's do that. Like I said five minutes ago,

Skaldsen, Starburst, to Primus! And the ship makes its way. I'm the captain! Aye, aye. And so the Flying Dutchman flies silent under void cover to the outskirts of the Primer Fleet in orbit outside Primus. Now, Starburst explains to you that your ship, as you should know, has been impounded by

an auspicer crew working for Steyr. Steyr's ship actually projects a bubble that allows it to take ships with it through the void. This is how the Primer Fleet makes its way between the planes. And your ship is currently slaved to that shard bubble. In order to take it back, you're going to need to make your way to the bridge of the ship and destroy the Auspex that's been installed there. So we need to get onto the main ship.

That's correct. And normally you've travelled, as you guys know, using your braces to portal from planes onto your ship back and forward. That won't work while an Auspex is in control of the ship and that is why, he says, even as the Dutchman glides towards the ship, they are

going to need to disembark onto a landing vessel and take you in through the Heart of Glass's main hangar bay. But wait, how do we get from the heart of glass to the main ship then so no no no all you need to do is destroy the ore specs on the heart of glass okay all right okay let's get onto this transport ship and so he uncovers for you a long boat with spaces for about like it's a rowing boat with spaces for about six people on it

that has i have rockets on the back. It's like, it's a rocket boat. A space rowboat. Yes, thank you. Alright, so let's get our story straight. We're the new crew to relieve this old crew, alright? Yeah, we're auspex. And we're all, Jeremy, you coming with us? Sure. Oh, hang on a second.

You want to take my Jeremy away from me? Yeah, you can have our Bobby. What? No, no, no, no. We need Bobby to take him to Titania. Also, I don't want a corpse. All right, we'll owe you a corpse. We'll send you one. Jeremy, do you want to go with these people?

Jeremy is me. Johnny is you. But Jeremy, me, is in you as a gem in your head. Yes, and he taps one on his lower jaw. Ouch. You know that... Now.

And you can see a small, green, reptilian gem in his jaw. Johnny, you will know that I am alive by the glimmer in your jaw. And I will return to you, my beautiful, beautiful lover. You take good care of my Jeremy, or I'll kill you with a space sword. All right. Well, I just want you to know that you just met us,

and it does look like we did let one of our friends die. But usually we're really good about keeping everyone alive. We'll take care of this one for sure. Just a reminder, I did know you before and you sucked then. What are you feeding? What do we need to know about Jeremy?

Ask Jeremy! But you're his lover. What's his favourite food? What's his favourite food if you guys like each other so much? I look at Johnny and I make a face like, ooh, you better get this right. What's Jeremy's favourite food? Yeah, what do we feed him? He likes ravioli stuffed with flies.

He just said he eats bodies. Weren't you listening? Fly bodies. I love you, babe. And you make your way onto this rocket boat. I'm sorry. And you sail towards the familiar shape of the heart of glass. And you sail for a while as it grows on the horizon and grows

until it is at least the size of the Flying Dutchman, that triple-mastered ship, and it continues to grow until it is at least the size of Styrus Flagship, the Final Truth. And as you fly towards the Heart of Glass, it grows until it is as large as the Saturnine, that giant ship that travelled between the planes, but it is still growing and you realise that the Heart of Glass is at least

5,000 feet long and is a giant capital class planar vessel as you see now at last the moor of the hangar bay begin to appear on the side of the ship. How come we never knew

it was so big before? Did we never see it from the outside? Not since you lost your memories. Oh! This big girl can fly! You've seen the bridge. You've only been on the bridge. And now, even as you get close,

you see a glittering dome of glass high up on the ship that is no doubt the bridge. So we're this close. Can we talk to the ship now? Yeah, you can faintly. The pulse has been growing, and you can hear static, and you can start to sort of make out a very distorted voice. All right, so let's get to one of the bays then.

So there's only one. There's a huge hangar bay on the side. Let's get into there. So on this side at least. So as you make your way, the ship glides into the hangar bay, which is huge, cavernous, like a giant auditorium. And it sort of rocks, splutters, and gently thumps down on what seems to be a giant, empty, deserted space. There is dim emergency lighting, but otherwise it looks

like the power has been turned off on the ship, and you can see staggered at intervals across the hangar bay what seem to be kind of mechanical shapes, and waiting with his arms crossed behind him, you can see backlit by this light, the dark figure of a goblin in a black suit. Is it? That's not who you're thinking of. Okay. Okay. That was misleading. Just the way he said it,

it sounded like it was... I'm not going to say it. And the lights flick on and you see a figure that you have not seen since the days of Freeside, a figure you first met in Chiba's regional headquarters

for Horizon. It is that security officer, Bobson Dugnut. Oh, if it isn't the Tardy Terrys. What took you so bloody long? I haven't seen you guys in weeks. And then all of a sudden we're here and we can't leave. Bobson! Yes, hello. Get me a coffee.

All right. And he walks over to us. A long distance away, though. It's a huge hangar. He's talking to you as he goes, but he starts the long journey towards an espresso machine. Wait, is it like a full barista set up? No, it's not a pod.

It's pods. And he's talking as he goes. You want an affogato? Yes, please. I don't know what that is. Anyway, I've got some pods here. Where have you been? Where have we been?

Where have you been? I've been down in the hangar. Wait, are you working for the... Are you working for... Oh, gosh, Logan said something about your memories. You've been with us this whole time. What are you talking about? We've been sailing the bloody seven seas for six months.

What seas? You know, the plains. How many, though? Yeah, how many? Well, there's one, two, three, four, five. I think that's nine of them. So does he know Jeremy? No, he's never met Jeremy Scaleson.

But he didn't fight with... No, he hasn't. You get the sense that Bobson, despite the fact that he thinks of himself as your comrade, has not been let out of the engines and hangars very much. So does Bobson know what's going on? Bobson, do you know that this ship is impounded? Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, I thought it might be. No, they'll put big wheel clamps on it. Hey, where's Wing Commander Pancakes? I'm holding him. But, oh, what's wrong with him? Wing Commander. Wing Commander Pancakes? He's having a bit of a sleep

under a leaf. Let me just think. Oh no, he's dead. Oh no! No. Because he wouldn't be dead because Friso door and then he wouldn't just

Is there a bed we can put him in? Like a bed that's in a freezer? I don't think we should let him out of our sight. Not even in a freezer or something? I certainly don't think... That really downgraded quickly. Well, not a bed because you'll get blood everywhere. The other thing is like,

I don't know a whole lot about cryogenics, but I think you need like special liquid. I think if you just put a body in a freezer, but I think you need, like, special liquid. I think if you just put a body in a freezer, won't all the water inside the cells expand? Yeah, it's like spinach. Well, if you want, you can put them in a hummingbird. Well, I don't know what that is. What is that?

And he walks over quickly to one of the mechanical shapes, and he taps a few buttons at a console next to it, and the emergency lights triple as lights slowly open up, showing how deep this hangar is. And for the first time, you can see these shapes. And they're kind of a cross between mechanical hummingbirds and spiders. And they're laid out in groups of 12,

six of them along the length of the hangar, each of them striped in different colours. Are these like legally distinct but pretty much TIE fighters? Is that what we're dealing with here? I would say more distinct than that but thank you for diminishing. I just mean, just to be clear

these are little ships that we can get in and go and like fly around in and whatnot. Do you think Star Wars invented fighter planes? No, but like spaceships, like these are...? No, but like spaceships. Yes, these look like star fighters. Fucking yes. Do I feel like I could fly one of these? The one, absolutely not.

They're too small. They're too small to fit you. But one of them, which is there is a yellow striped squadron and one of these craft at the front of it, which has been specially bedecked out with red and yellow stripes and then a shape of a crossed skillet across its nose. And can I also say that it has a little moustache? It has a little moustache is there.

And he pulls open and you can see the life support were of this little fighter craft. Jeremy says, oh, that looks really cool. Well, yeah, he goes, you want to have a go Jeremy? He goes, Bobby Pancakes, Lieutenant Pancakes, I should say, was the ace pilot of the Heart of Glass. He led Mop Top Wing across countless campaigns and missions. Plus, he led Moptop Wing across countless campaigns and missions. Cool.

What a cool fact to know. What will I do with this fact? I don't know. Store it away. Jeremy is weird. You want a going one or something? No, Jeremy cannot fit. I cannot stress that enough.

All right, let's put Bobby's... I just don't think we should let it out of our sight. Did you say there's life-supporting things that will keep the body from rotting? Is that what you're saying? Obviously, it's like void-locked. It has a kind of life-support system. Alright, so let's put Bobby in there. But remember, we're not leaving here without... Remember where we

parked. We were in Yellow Line. Oh, did you guys say that we were impounded? Yes. Yeah. No, that makes sense. It's something I saw the other day.

What was that? Oh, the auspice crew in the bridge. Yeah. Well, they weren't you, were they? You know, I popped up to see if anybody wanted an espresso. Because sometimes I do that. Sometimes we get lonely down here, me and the crew. What's his job?

I'm the... Spaceship operator. I'm the spaceship janitor. I don't know. When I was beat, when I woke up here six months ago... You're the wellness officer. I heard the voice of Johnny PlayStation saying, I've saved you as an afterthought.

I didn't know why he added that. And help the dragon friends. And I thought, oh, yeah, all right. Because I thought I was going to die in an explosion. So that's a bit better. Bit better. So we had some adventures and it was nice. You start to realise that he has no moment in this story

where he loses his memory. Oh. Because he didn't go on the special mission with us. What mission did we leave on when you last saw us? Last saw you, that was a couple of weeks ago. You were going to some sort of bazaar and I remember I said, oh, how bizarre?

And The Shark Hole Bazaar? Yeah, the Shark Hole Bazaar. That's what it was. You were going to steal something, a sword or a lance. And there was important things that Logan was saying about security scouting. Anyway, I had to go and clog a toilet, so I did that. He had to go and clog a toilet. Was the toilet flowing too freely?

Was it... Was the toilet flowing too freely? Was the issue that the ship's plumbing couldn't deal with how free-flowing the effluent was from this toilet? No! And you had to go and clog it. From which end were you clogging this? The sadder thing was that he has so little to do that he actually has to make jobs for himself.

So he goes and clogs the toilet and then like an hour later he comes back and goes, oh god, who did that? Looks like it's another job for Bobson to clean. Anyway, that was probably the last I saw you guys. And he says that he hands an immaculate espresso affogato to Filch.

Yum. Yeah, that's nice. So anyway, you know, that would explain, because I popped my head up and said, oh, who wants an espresso? Me. No, it's a story because I popped my head up and said, oh, who wants an espresso? Me. No, it's a story that I'm telling. All right. He walks back.

Anyway, and it was a bunch of people I didn't know. Now that I think about it, they're probably from Primus. Do you think, when you look at them and you look at us, you've seen us fight before. Do you think we could take them? Oh, if you're clever about it, I suppose. I mean, there's also the crew. And the big hippo man. Yeah.

Ooh. Wait, which crew? Us? Was it hippo man or rhino man? It was jiffs. It was hippos. Hippos. No, not you guys. I mean, the crew.

The tinkers. What? What? If we want to unpound the ship... Why have... Bobson, if we want to get this unimpounded, what do you recommend we do? Oh, gosh.

There's probably some forms you've got to fill out. Do you have any poison espressos? No, all those pods are gone. Remind me, by the way, when we do get unimpounded, we need more pods. Just the poison ones? No, definitely not them. Oh, crew. Crew goes crazy for them.

Crew goes bloody nuts for them, going through them like that. But yeah, no, I mean, like, there's probably one or two other people that you're outnumbered there, but if you include the crew, one of them stormed the bridge, I mean, yeah, 15,000 versus about 10. Oh, so this is a classic Dragon Friends revolution situation. No, no, no. We've run this playbook before. There's no revolution.

They're your crew. Our crew? Yeah. And then he presses some buttons on his crystal bracer and suddenly an alert stands. It's a ready alert and they're scrambling, scrambling as deck crews and fighter pilots scramble through all of them deep gnomes that you recognize of the same race of the gnomes that you met in

Raven loft although each of them in tiny jumpsuits and as the deck crews all come through they cut start quickly Readying up the ships while fighter pilot gnomes banter at each other and then form quickly immaculate lines. And as they all snap to attention in front of the four of you in rows of 12. Six rows of 12. So these are the pilots? The pilots.

Well, the deck crews are still working on all the ships. Fighters, I'll give you a shiny gold coin for every head of one of the impounders you bring me. Hop to it. Well, see, I can't believe you've forgotten the crew. Well, that's Tim and that's Stephanie. It's 15,000. Yay. We're going to have to do another induction if you can't remember.

Okay, me start. Me name feels me favourite animal is a rat. It's a rat. Stephanie? Me Stephanie. Me favourite animal is one of those pangolins. A what? A pangolin.

A pangolin. A pangolin. This is a real rollercoaster of Ben's unintelligible voices. No, he said pangolin. It's like an armbar for conglomerate. They're good. Anyway, science officer, priest officer, they answer to wing commander Pancake, who's unfortunately deceased, obviously,

so they're not going to take any orders from you. Oh. So this is... So who's the next in rank there? This is his air group. These gnomes, they now call themselves Tinker Gnomes, answered to Lieutenant Pancakes in the... But in lieu of pancakes, who's next in line? Well, I'm the captain.

Oh. Right? Yeah, that's true. So... So it's up to you to appoint a new flight marshal. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. that, four of the engineer tinkers suddenly look at you and start measuring you frantically just to get ready in case Filch, depending on how Filch goes. Can someone measure me as well in case she picks me? Come on, guys. Oh, go on, give them a measure. They look at you and shake their heads.

I have proficiency in many different craft. You've done any leadership training? I invented leadership. Okay, everyone, listen up. It's me, your captain. Hello. What's my favourite animal again? Rat.

This is Jeremy. He's looking after Bobby's spot while Bobby has a very tactical think about the next move in his meditation plane. His favourite animal is a... My favourite animal is the humble bunny. And that's everything you need to know about your new flight commander, Jeremy Scaleson.

One of the gnomes looks up and he says, it will take us some hours to construct a vessel capable of controlling your hideously large body. Don't you talk to him like that. No, no, it's hideous. Tape two together and not a word out of you. Are you sure? Because if we make him one, it will be very good. If we try to make two of them, he'll probably die in the void. Death.

I invented death. Do it quickly. Okay. Do the good version. Do the one he likes. Make him his favourite plane. And Bobson seems to be used to this. He's like, you heard the captain. Just do it. Sorry, I didn't quite. What was Bobson seems to be used to this. He's like, you heard the captain.

Just do what we want you to do. Sorry, I didn't quite. What was Bobson's favourite animal? I need to complete this set. But this is only the flight floor. So while you've been doing that, other groups have been assembling on the gantries above. You can see medical personnel.

You can see more janitors and wellness staff. You can also see rows and rows of security personnel. All of them little tinker gnomes lining the sides of the hangar. Is my job the head of security? That's right. Aren't you a science officer? No, he's science. Woo!

Wait, was I a science officer? No, sorry, navigator head of security. Oh, science officer? Science officer. Science officer. So head of security is one of the little gnomes who runs up and issues a crack salute to you, Filch. Hello.

Captain, reporting for your team. Yes. Well, everyone, I think, wants to meet the people they're bosses of. So can we make that happen, please? Make it quick. Certainly. And then he gathers the relevant people. So you get a group of science-y gnomes.

All right, science boys. What is science? You, however, get a team of navigator acolytes, and these are sort of people that rub you in oils and place you on the navigation throne. It's really more a trio of highly trained mop-top masseuses. Wait, so

we've taken over the ship now? No, you're in the hangar. But is the throne... They just do that. Oh, okay, they don't do it right now. Alright, Acolytes. There's three of them. You only have three people.

Out of 15,000. All right, what are your names? One of them looks real dumb. Yeah, and they all look like they've probably done something to deserve this. All right, the three of us get to know each other again. What are your names? Go. I am Monty.

Monty? I am Clive. My name is Kevin. I am Monty. Monty? I am Clive. My name is Kevin. Monty, Clive, and Kevin. All right. I'd like you to arrange yourselves in order of expendability. Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup. They all run to the very back of the hangar in a perfect line.

All right. We're going to need to take this. We need to get to the hangar in a perfect line. All right. We're gonna need to take this, we need to get to the hangar, we need to get to the bridge of the ship and take it over. They know where the bridge is and it's, yeah. But yeah, the navigators can show us how to get there presumably. The navigators in the on ships?

A gross waste of their skill, but yes, they can. Presumably. They just point to the lift. Great work, navigators. There'll be extra rum rations for you this evening. Who is the best at fighting? And your security forces array themselves again. Alright. Each of them holding tiny lightning guns.

Now, why did you let us get impounded? Who's the head of security? Hup, hup, hup, And he runs forward again. You met him. Hello. Just from before. Why did you let our ship get impounded? Well, I didn't have any orders. Surely there are standing orders to not let the ship get impounded.

You work for the Council of Nine. The Admiral Steyr, head of the Primer Fleet, told us this ship is impounded by orders of the Council. We don't work for the Council no more. There's like a muttering from all of them. Stop muttering. And somebody's like a muttering from all of them. Stop muttering! And somebody's like, does this affect Superfund? Hang on, well, which one? Did you sign up with your own one

or did you use the one that we gave you when you signed up? Because if you have your own one, you'll keep it. If you sign up for the one we gave you, there's going to be a transition period. Sorry, never mind. I just realised I was imagined into existence six months ago by a mad god. Okay, well

just to check, if you want to go see Rachel in HR... Hello! Okay, new rules. Everybody line up if you need to see accounts receivable over here. We're going to need... So we're going to go fight the auspices. Yeah, but before that, we need new tax file definitions for everybody. The adventure never ends.

And if anyone's got any sort of hex or help debts, they have paid off. Incredibly specific. All right. So, yeah, you can see this is still only 6,000 or so because they can't all fit in the hangar. All right. Well, let's just storm.

Shall we do a classic storm? Storm the bridge? Storm the bridge. This is the only democratic thing we'll do. Who wants to vote for storm the bridge? I. Okay, who's against? And all of the security force with their hand up.

But security force, we outnumber them. What's your reticence? Woo, new word. Sometimes they just fly into me head. They look unsure and they go, but you told us that we serve the council. This would be a mutiny. I just told you we don't serve the council.

You don't listen to past Filch. She doesn't know what she's talking about. You listen to your captain in the present. Me. Make an intimidation check for me, Filch. You bet I will. DC, they're quite pathetic. So DC, 13.

And you're not exhausted, so just normal roll. 16. 16. They look at you and then as one they all salute and as they salute with their thumbs they click buttons on headbands that they're wearing which then fall down into half face blast visors. Cool. Very cool. They all go, hoorah! And then they scream. What? They all go, and then they stream. They all go, and then they stream into the elevators,

which they suddenly open up more and more of them. Not too many at once! They stream up the elevators as fast as they can, leaving you in the hangars. Well, they're just going to do that for us? I don't know. Let's check in with... What's our computer's name again? Oh, Lodgins.

Lodgins. Lodgins. Lodgins, you around? Lodgins? Oh, hello, guys. Boop, boop, boop. Hey. Hey, can you just give us a progress update on the bridge? Yep, sure. Just look at the bridge now.

It's the old... It's the... The blokes are taking the ship. That's... Oh, hang on. There's some of the security forces. What are they... All right.

So they're trying to open right sorry it's just a bit hard to keep up so they've all been um what's the massacre um just sort of one after the other um just sort of getting mowed down in one couple of auspices are dying here and there i'd say it's a ratio of about oh 60 to 70 security force yeah one horse person i thought we outranked the 15,000 to 10. Yeah, they've got really good weapons, though. So, I mean, it might be. Oh, yeah.

No, a few more auspices have fallen. This is fine. But you tell you what, you know, it's weird. The lifts are now, they're kind of being clogged with bodies. So, and in some ways that's a. I told them not to fill up the lifts too much. Some of them are using the bodies as cover. So, that's kind of good. And then one, two do you want me to get rid of these corpses no no Bob

said Bob said I've got a job for you Bobson, I've got a job for you. Are you as good... Bobson's like, have you seen my girlfriend Stephanie? I'm going to have to report you to HR for that one. Bobson, are you as good at unclogging lifts as you are toilets? Well, I'm pretty bloody good at unclogging toilets. Oh, boy. It's an hour or so later when you make your way to the bridge,

which is immaculate. Bobson's crew has done a good job. Bobson's crew has done a good job at hiding from you the unbridled massacre. Probably about 700 deep gnomes have died, but the bridge is yours, and the heavily armed auspice crew have all been destroyed, and they're laid out in body bags, ten of them on the ground.

They're strange weapons by their sides, and in front of them, the bridge throne, which you can see is wrapped in chains with a kind of mechanical device humming on it. All right, I'm going to take some of them Auspice weapons. What do I get, Dave? You get ten spectral lances. Distribute one each to the crew, please.

The important crew. Who is the important crew? Is that... Bags? It's Jeremy, Jeremy, Field, Friso, Baston. Oh, we've got six more. Hello. Yeah, Bobson, here you go.

Oh, that's nice. Look at that. It's me, Clive. I'd like one of those. Yeah, probably best for self-defence against Friso. Clive, you get one. All right. Kevin.

Wait, who's the dumb one? That's me. All right, Kevin, you... All right, Kevin, I'm going dumb one? That's me. Alright, Kevin, you, alright. Kevin, I'm going to give yours to Clive. You're in charge of this, Clive, okay? And Monty's just happy to be here. So we've got like three more and they'll go to the security forces. Which they use to erect a monument to their fallen comrades.

Dave, I want to use, Baston's going to use his spectral lance to shoot the chain thing that's holding the... Is that going to blow up the ship, though? Well, I want it to... Let's just have... If only we had a lockpick. Fuck! All right. What if I just use it to jimmy it a little bit?

Okay. You break one of the spectral lances. Fuck. Give us another one. All right, no. You broke your... Clive lances. Oh, fuck. Give us another one. No, no. You broke your... Clive, you... Oh, no.

Baston broke his. Baston broke his spectral lance, but you use an incredibly delicate and powerful god weapon to jimmy off the orspex, which clatters to the ground, and suddenly the room spins up with power as the power floods back onto the ship,

and the face of Logan is there. Oh, oofy doofy. What a couple of days. Where have you guys been? People keep asking us that. Yeah, I mean, it's... We don't... Just so you know, we no longer work for the Council of the Nine, alright?

I'm going to have to change for Super. Go see Rachel in HR. She's got all the forms. I think Bobson just cleaned up the corpse of Rachel. Why would we send Rachel into battle? She's in HR. That was her twin sister, Stephanie. Logan

says, look, the ship's powered up again. We can jump if you want. But the moment we do, they're going to bloody know. They'll realise we're not part of the bubble and Stire will be on your feet again. But you've got a second. You can jump anywhere you want right now. Yeah.

Oh, I heard about Bobby, by the way. That's... We need to get to... We want to get to Titania. To try and rescue Bobby. So she's on prime. Let's go there then. You're there.

That's where we are. We're here where we're at. Can we send Bobby's... Did the ship self-steer, Jeremy? Did the ship's... Did the little TIE fighter steer itself? These are very new to me. Jeremy's ship is still being repaired.

The other ships, yeah, they're little fighter pilots. But also your crystal braces blink up again. And he says you could use new to me. Jeremy's ship is still being repaired. The other ships, yeah, they're little fighter pilots. But also your crystal braces blink up again. And he says you could use them to travel, but that would give the same signature. If you go down to the prime now, Steyr is going to know that the auspices are dead and the ship has been taken. Here's my idea. And he'll just take the ship again unless you make me blink. Okay, so we've got to jump. But before we do, let's stick a note on Bobby's head and send the ship to Titania.

Like his little hummingbird? Yeah. You talk to the engineers, confer, and they go, well, I suppose we could pilot it remotely. Yes. What would the note say? And one of them very delicately puts a post-it and pulls out a quill. I am dead.

Please make undead please make undead and at that point he sighs and pulls out pulls out send it send it we've only got a second and the hummingbird flies off

and at that moment alarms start to blare all over the ship because the signature has been registered by the Primer Fleet and Logan says, we really have to jump now. Guys, we've really got to jump. Alright, you know where we're going. I heard... Frieza's in charge of navigation, so Frieza, where are we going?

We're going to the Deadlands, baby. And Logan goes, good enough for me. And the whole space goes white as the ship jumps once again with Steyr in fast pursuit as the dragon friends at last are back on the Heart of Glass and on their way. Poor Bobby already hurtling down to some kind of necromantic ritual that the dragon friends have unwittingly asked for and Bobson and the Tinkernomes at their side for hundreds of Tinkernomes died this

day and that I would like to say that their names will be sung on in the songs of heroes but that is not the fate of Tinkernomes theirs is but to die and not know why, for they serve the dragon. Friends, thank you. The Dragon Friends are me, Eden Lacey, Alex Lee, Michael Hing, and Simon Greiner, and are DMed by Dave Harmon with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre. Music this episode was by Dan and Liam Scarrett. See you soon.