Dragon Friends - #4.15. Inadvisable Space Combat with Balfies

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

The Dragon Friends make their way to the frozen wastes of the Deadlands and Dave needs to realise at this point it's too late to teach anyone new rules.With special guest Emma Balfour. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey Ear Jockeys, Ben here. Do you like podcasts? Do you like podcasts featuring Dragon Friends and Dragon Friends adjacent people? Well, there's good news. There's a new podcast called Your Attention Please, which is a night of speeches delivered in character without context. There's two episodes up right now featuring Toby Schmitz and your favourite little goblin, Demi Lardner. You can find it wherever you find your podcasts. Demi Lardner. You can find it wherever you find your podcasts. And if you're in Sydney, you can catch it live. This show will feature our very own Johnny PlayStation Tom Walker on the 24th of September

at the Giant Wharf Theatre in Sydney. But now, here's the show. Woo! In the beginning there was one world and one reality. At the center of this world was a beautiful god stone that the gods placed there to stick the world together. Now, the gods knew that none would harm the god stone

and charged none with its defense, but Mystra, who was wise and cautious, created a single child to guard the godstone and warn her if ill befell it. That was the first child. The first child was fierce in her duty, but she held the stone too firmly and it cracked into nine shards. From these pieces, nine worlds were formed. Each world held a shard and the shard remembered from where it came. These shards were found. Their finders became the first planeswalkers, able to harness shard power to travel between the worlds.

When the planeswalkers found each other, there were terrible wars. But after the wars, there was the Shard Treaty, and the planeswalkers formed a council pledging to control planar travel. To this end, they built a shield around the nine known worlds called the Cradle, and decreed that outside was wild space, and to venture beyond the Cradle was forbidden, and so there was peace until now. The dragon friends have cracked this peace. Asunder, the nine known worlds are in turmoil.

That's fine. Keep going. The dragon friends have cracked this... Fuck. Beth, Beth, can you just... Thank you. The dragon worlds have... The dragon worlds! Beth, if I may offer a counterpoint, please keep all of this in. The dragon friends have cracked this piece asunder

and the nine known worlds are in turmoil. And your journey has seen you travel far and wide across the cradle in search of a way home. You have lost your ship. You have lost your memories. You have lost a dear and loved friend. And

yet, you cannot help but feel that your journey is nearing its inevitable end. The Heart of Glass now lies in orbit around a blasted plane of ice called the Deadlands. This was a land that learned what it cost to disobey the Council. For the crime of creating the Lance of Perixx, the entire race of Titans who lived here were exiled far beyond the Cr cradle, far beyond the stars. And since that day, the Deadlands have been dormant until some say a warlock named Friso built a fortress here, a fortress that your vessel is gliding towards.

So within our memories, though, Friso doesn't remember the last time he was at the tower he's built on the... You've lost three months of memories, that's correct, but people have been starting to fill this in for you. I wouldn't recognise the tower or anything. Let me try and make this clearer for you. You remember what Friezo remembers. No, but what does Friezo remember? I'm asking if Friezo would recognise the tower when we fly over it,

or does the ship just know where the tower is? Or can we spend an episode just exploring a planet? It's the only construct. The entire plane of the Deadlands is now just blasted ice, tundras and ice storms. I feel like if Friso did make a tower, it would probably be in the shape of his own face. Or my favourite giant...

There's a giant brickwork facade of Friso's face. Its mouth is mechanical and it laughs, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. And then fireballs fire out. Is that canon? Canon, sure. The mouth is, yes. Because I would have thought that Friso might have used the construction of a tower as an

opportunity to remind everyone what his very fine chongus looks like. It's a very phallic kind of, you know, symbolism. You made it in the image of your own very normal chongus. Very normal chongus. Well, in many ways, all towers are an image of some kind of chongus. What does your chongus look like? Brickwork. Anyway, not important.

Brick work? Anyway, not important. One thing that we do need to address, of course, is that after his triumphant return, Baston Indrirovich is not here because fucking Eden Lacey got an ad. Good for him. Which is taping right now. And so we were just going to do the normal thing,

which is get Baston to sort of be eating an apple the whole time. Taffy, I think, is the favourite Dragon Friends reason for missing an episode. Yeah, audience have laryngitis. But we thought, fuck that. This has to have consequences. So me and Dave decided that we'd get an audience member to play. Yeah. So one of you today is going to play the part of Baston, handsome man.

And so we talked about this and we ran into someone in the foyer that we thought was a pretty bloody good fit. Yeah, we haven't really explained it to them yet but... We just said... Emma Balfour, come on down! Hi Emma. Hi, I'm not Emma Balfour, I'm Eden Lacey, I am he. Deeply in character.

Thank you. Have you played Dungeons & Dragons before? I have played a Wheel of Time RPG which which is like Dungeons and Dragons, but shit. With like home rules or did they make this themselves? Oh, it was like the DM and his wife knew the world, the rest of us didn't, and we were fucking around and they were taking it very seriously and getting very annoyed at us. You fit right in! Yeah, it was great.

Great. Well, you were playing Besson Andrirovich, newly returned to the Dragon Friends after his sojourn on the Bluffs of Chance. He's a wildly benevolent pansexual monk slash fighter who loves all but none more than these three wretches. Is that fair? Oh, and he has really shiny pants. Really shiny, okay okay so if you can just embody all of that okay uh then shiny shiny pants and that's his personality that's yeah okay good he is the best good pipes so there on the bridge um as your ship glides through the inky night in the deadlands you find a moment of respite as the ship has once more pierced the flogiston and come through to a new world.

So, Friso's the navigator, isn't he? Yes. So, are we on course towards the tower? You could always ask your ship's computer that. Logans, on screen. Yep, once again, name's Logan, but that's all good. We're all catching up. Yes, you just said on screen. What does that mean? Well, I want you to get on the screen. that's all good. We're all catching up. Yes, you just said on screen.

What does that mean? Well, I want you to get on the screen. It's currently blank. Hello, here I am. Oh, hello. Put some clothes on, Logans. Ha! No, it's a good one.

What's up? We're looking... I think we're headed towards a tower. Have you been there before? It's the only identifiable structure on the planet. Right. And how long ago was it constructed? I couldn't tell you that.

Was it three months ago? Or was it like, this is a time travel scenario. I'm just wanting to make sure we're across. What are you asking me? Can you carbon date the tower is what I'm asking. Can I carbon date the tower? You've got little... Give it a scan.

Give it a scan. Now, the tower is still several hundred kilometres away and because you're now skimming low, it'll probably take you a little bit of time to get close enough to do a scan like that. Can I ask a question about the tower? Yes, Bastogne. Science Officer Bastogne? Science Officer Bastogne, in the interest of science, if the tower that we can see is Friso's face,

does that mean Friso's body is buried underground? Is it like one of those Easter Island situations? Yeah, like a real Titanic iceberg situation. If we dig deep enough, can we find the incredibly normal Chongus? Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, Dave. Do you think on Easter Island, the heads that are there,

their bodies go all the way down? Where did you come across this? No, I mean, that's... Wait, no, some of them do. Some of them do. It's true. Thank you. A random person in the audience said they 100% do.

No, no, no, it's true. They're torsos, but most of them are buried. Well, if we're spending this time just flying and coasting towards the tower, should we maybe, and Phil, maybe you're going to overrule me on this, but should we perhaps interrogate

this strange lizardman who is aboard our ship? Oh, interrogate is instantly a nasty word. Oh, I mean, we've invited him to lead our squadron of flying bumblebees? Hummingbirds, but you were close. But what kind of insane person agrees to do that? A psychopath, you know what I mean? It's really never stopped a membership of the Dragon Friends in the past.

True. Scaleson, get in the chair. Friso's, of course, referring to Jeremy Scaleson, who has travelled with you for all of about an hour, and the death of 700 Tinkernomes notwithstanding, it's been a good productive hour. And the chair I'm referring to is just like, it's on the bridge. There's all of the instruments and all that.

This is the throne. Yeah, but in the corner. You don't get to say what's there. No, it's a huge ship. Do you want to go to the interrogation room? Oh, yes. But let's give it a fun name. Like the Q&A sesh after a panel.

Interrogation stage. You want to call it the Q&A sesh after a panel. What did Emma say? I like that. It was good. Interrogation stage. The interrogation stage. Excellent.

Sounds very chill. Is there an autopilot on the ship? Is that you, Lodgins? It's once again. Yep, that's Stage. Excellent. Sounds very chill. Is there an autopilot on the ship? Is that you, Lodgins? It's once again. Yep, that's me. Great. All right. You broke my spirit.

So, Bobbson leads you down through numerous corridors into a small room that has an iron chair in front of one of those steel tables with the handcuff eyelet and one of those lamps that you can point at someone. Yeah, handcuffs, you say. Is there one-sided glass? Yeah, yeah, sure.

One interrogator can go inside. One-sided glass is a mirror. Depends what side of the mirror you're on. You've never been behind a mirror. Maybe all mirrors are one-sided. Except for that brief moment when you were imprisoned by a mirror. Maybe all mirrors are one way. Except for that brief bit when you were imprisoned by a witch. If you guys want

to have a look, there's a room there that you can see into the other room. It's all set up. Jeremy, could you just strap yourself into that chair, please?

Is this going to get kinky? Only if we want it to. Well, do you want it to? Yes. Let me just remind you, first and foremost, that I am taken. But that doesn't mean we don't have an arrangement.

I'm also taken with you. Oh! Everybody gets one. Emma, I know that this is best done, but you've been on stage for one minute. Stop trying to fuck the dragon, friends. All right, so while Jeremy's strapping himself into the chair. Very obligingly.

Yes. Very obligingly. I'm using my tail to close the clasps on my wrists and ankles. Nice. Lock them in real good. Filch and Fraser are out the front of the interrogation stage having a chat. Hey, Filch. Mm-hmm.

Are you aware of the trope good cop, bad cop? Yes. Excellent. Which cop do you want to be? Me be good cop. Okay. I'll be the bad cop then. Which cop am I?

No, no, no. You're the cop who just tried to fuck one of the suspects. So you've got to wait in the mirror room now. You're the cop going to HR right now.

And I'll be Bobson. That's right. Bobson Dugnut is still with you. So I'm going to go into the room where the mirror is in a mirror. With Bobson, yeah. is still with you. So I'm going to go into the room where the mirror isn't a mirror. With Bobson, yeah. With Bobson, but we're going to shout through the mirror the whole time.

Maybe. Or maybe you're the cuck cop who just wants to watch. I don't know. Look. Who knows? All right, this conversation done. Jeremy sitting. I would say with good humour, like he's a good sport,

is sitting in the chair. He's not handcuffed in when in saunters in Filge and Friso. Well, well, well. Mr. Scaleson, it's great to have you on board and we're very happy to be flying with you. We hope you're having a good day. Why? And then she turns and puts

a big thumbs up to Friso. Friso, smiling to Filge and then turning to Jeremy, takes his gun and puts it in Jeremy's mouth. Can I just do a check to see that I can just wrench it out of Friso's hand with my strong mandibles.

Yeah, make it for me a dexterity saving throw. And your mouth is so long. Oh, you disarm him very quickly and spin the gun with sort of serpentine grace until it clicks into your hand and you make a show of not pointing it at Friso or are you going to? Can I just say that I do that with my, from mouth I spit it and my tail catches it and I just let it dangle down. Oh, you grabbed it with your tongue?

Tail. With my tail. I grabbed it with my mouth and then my tail grabbed it and it's just sort of hanging there. Very cool. Look, to be honest, I think as the good cop, you're going to have to ask for it back. Because I feel like I'm going to lose a lot of status if I ask for it back.

I think before we go any further, we're going to need to decide on a safe word. From the other room you hear, no. From my experience, no is a very confusing safe word. What about don't shoot? Again, another very confusing safe word. Alright, Skaleson, I don't like you and you don't like me. I like you very much.

Skaleson, I like you and you like me. You got it, buddy. But you need to tell us what your plan is here and what you want from us. If you want. Oh, no, sorry. Keep going. You need to tell us what your plan is,

and you need to tell us what you want. And what your birthday is, so we can plan something good. Well, birthdays are tricky with my species. We hatch out of eggs, so is it the day that the egg comes out or the day that I come out of the egg? It's tough. Egg! Out of egg!

Phil has very strong opinions. Well, then that's my egg day. And my egg day is the 4th of June. Aww. And she takes out a tiny little book. And I write it down. She can't write or read.

Okay, what's your game plan here? Is this an intimidation check? Is this a persuasion check? What are you trying to do? We're just trying to get info out of him. What info are you, Hing, trying to get out? I just want to know what his plan is. I want to know what he wants, why he's doing this.

Is he on our side? Is he going to double cross us? Yeah. We want to know how trustworthy he is. Guys, I can hear you. I'm right here. We're talking to... We're talking to our deity.

Friso, listen. I'm here for Hyperion Max. If he's still alive, I need to bring him back to the fold. And you were the last known people to bring him back to the fold. And you were the last known people to see him. Right. Now, are you aware that

there is sort of a popular consensus outside of this ship that we murdered him? Now, no offense, Friso, but I doubt very much that you have the wherewithal to murder Hyperion Max. Logians, get me another gun!

And you hear a voice not from Logians, but from behind the mirror. Oh, hello, it's the mirror talking. No, it's Bobson. Oh, the fairest of them all. Hey, look, your landing shuttle is ready to go if you guys want to take a tour

of that Not actually it's the hummingbird Oh the hummingbird that's right We can't fit in the hummingbird or did you make us a big one?

You asked for a big one to be made For Jeremy That's right I did Can we all fit in it or just Jeremy? Well you can go

see it if you want Oh Jeremy your hummingbird is ready That's a weird sex thing as well as the plan that I'm getting made for me I don't know if you know that What's the hummingbird is ready. Aha! That's a weird sex thing as well as the plan that I'm getting made for me. I don't know if you know that.

What's the hummingbird? I'll tell you. It's the coming bird is the name of his weird sex thing. Hing, it's the coming bird. That's so upsetting. I upset Hing. Oh, no. I did it.

It didn't really take that much of this of the day. It suggests just a lot of arm movement. Do you know what I mean? A lot of very frantic, ineffectual arm movement. And maybe a flower that you dip in your mouth into. Anyway, sorry. Anyway, Bobston takes you down back to the hangar where Tinkernomes are furiously assembling

what looks now to be a beautiful lizard-sized hummingbird in the style of the little fighter planes that you've seen the Tinker Gnomes scramble in front of. So this has obviously been built for you, Jeremy. It does look like it would only fit one of you, but Bobson has something else to show you. Yes! It's my bass guitar. And he plays some bass. Oh, cool.

What you been learning? I've been learning from some tabs. Can you play the theme from Seinfeld? Can you play Smoke on the Water? Yep. And he goes, It's hard when you're looking. Anyway, and he puts it away.

What else has he got? There's a hanging... What? Landing craft. Oh, yeah, the landing craft that I mentioned before. Look at this. What is that? It's a thing that'll get you out of the...

Look, the atmosphere on this dead land is a little bit hard for teleportation. So it's like a space rowboat? Yeah, that's it. Now you're getting it. Yeah, all right. So this is a vessel for about four to five of you, and it has pintle-mounted guns on either side of it, but otherwise it looks pretty fragile compared to the giant ship that you're in.

Should we send Skaleson and someone else in the Hummingbird to protect the landing craft as we land then? That's up to you. How many people fit in the Hummingbird? Just Jeremy, and the rest of you could fit in there. I reckon we could squish Bobson in though. Yeah, that's true. In the hummingbird?

Good thinking, Bastogne. I feel like it's probably up to Bobson. No, you're right. No. So Bobson's going in Jeremy's craft or in our craft? If I can fit in Jeremy's, I'll go in. Yeah, he should sit on his lap. Okay.

Hello. Like a little baby learning to drive a car. Jeremy should open up his mouth like a pelican and Bobston can sit in like a... We'll make it work. Okay. Sirens blare and suddenly the face of Logens appears for the ship has now finally arrived at the tower. Oh, hey guys. Got some good news and some bad news. What do you want now finally arrived at the tower. Oh, hey, guys.

Got some good news and some bad news. What do you want first? Both at the same time. What? Alternate words. Good news. I'll be honest. I thought you'd ask for the bad first and to give me some time to think.

All right. Go to the bad news then. Bad news is. But there better be good news at the end of this. All right. Yep. Bad news is we've got a transmission from the tower

coming in. Oh, that sounds good. Well, I'll play it and then you hear a voice that says, identify yourself. Emergency countermeasures in place. Tower currently in lockdown. Identify yourself. Is it Friso's voice? It sounds a bit like Friso.

It's like a mechanical version of Friso's voice. Hello! Me. I'm me. You. What? What? What? Hey, do you...

Who's... Who... Where... Friso! Friso! How are you... How are you doing that? Can Friso talk to the tower? Well, it'll go through me. Just want to make sure that you want to send that. Yes, just tell the tower I'm Friso.

Logan starts connecting his notes and then reads you back a transcript of what's come. Hello, yes, it is me. What? Yeah, who? You? Friso? Just say that I'm Friso. Tell them Friso's here. Okay, sending that back. Sends it back.

It's just got to wait for the little hourglass shows up. Yeah. It's just. And then there's a ding. Yep. Identity unable to be verified from this distance. Welcome home, Friso. Please enter passcode.

Oh. So what's on the screen now? Just a little keyboard rolls out from a pedestal. Is it a QWERTY one or is it just numbers? No, it's a QWERTY one. Is there a little like forgot your password box? There is not. Is there a clue?

Do I have to do a capture as well? I don't know if Friso could like... Capture is meant to prove that you're human and I don't know if Friso could pass Captures a net to show That prove that you're human And I don't know if Friso could pass one That's why I'm asking Friso Friso

You should try password No Hang on Just outside of this reality Have you Dave Do you know what the password is? Right here buddy

You've written it down? Yeah How many Do we know how many letters it is? Seven or more usually. No, it doesn't say. It'd have to have a capital and a number presumably. This is a simple keyboard.

There's no shift keys. Capitalisation. There's no numbers, just letters. Zero. R-U-L-E-Z. That's my guess. Okay, think, Freezo. If you were trying, what's a word that is special to you and no one else?

Witchbolt, maybe? Would it be witchbolt? What about baker boy? Bakery. Maybe it's bakeries. What about dragon friends? It said... I reckon it could be dragon friends.

Probably not. Could be acquaintances. Murder is good. What if... Suddenly another hourglass starts and you realise there's a timer counting down. It said we couldn't be identified from this far out. Maybe I should go right up to it and ask.

I think you should punch in a password. Alright. Let's try... If your heart says Witch Bolt, you should go with that. No, I know Dave wouldn't make it that easy. Who is Dave? One of the many voices in my head. I'm gonna try Mystra. Okay, Mystra, the god and the temple that you were raised in. Great, yes, interesting guess, surprising guess. And as you type those letters, M-Y-S-T-R-A, and then press a space return key,

there is a second where you hold your breath and it seems like the password is accepted before red lights flash and suddenly a message is blasted on the display in front of you, launching countermeasures. And then a voice you hear. I'm getting a final voice message from the tower and it just says, countermeasures launched. This is what happens. This is what happens. And you can see suddenly a cloud of what seems to be like buzzing fighters pouring out from

the cloud. Now from the protection of the Heart of Glass you are fine. They will plink helplessly off its shield but this cloud of fighters is now scrambled orbiting the tower. But are we in the landing craft now? No, but if you want to get to the tower you're going to have to fly through it. Can we shoot down these fighters from the safety of the ship?

The heart of glass doesn't have weapons. The hummingbirds do. How many of our crew is left? Well, I don't like the way you say left. It suggests a cavalier attitude towards their well-being.

Resources are there to be used. You have six wings of 12 fighters each. These are your ace pilots of... And how many of their craft are protecting the tower? So you have 72 fighters. But how many of their craft are protecting the tower? You can't really see. It's like a mist. It's a big cloud, yeah.

50 or so. I think we should send Friso in the hummingbird so he can fly up closer and present himself to the tower. All right. And maybe we send the security forces in the hummingbirds as his protection. Will Friso fit in a regular hummingbird? He would only fit in yours. No, he has to fit in Jeremy's.

I think he has to go in Jeremy's one. What do you think of this plan, Jeremy? I guess the other thing we could do is go down with our fighters and we could clear the path for the launch, you know, provide a vanguard for you and clear the way for you guys to get through. Do we see another use for these people? They're our crew!

They're going to be like a one-use crew. Do you know what I mean? I've seen Star Wars. You're going to lose at least... What lessons did you learn from Star Wars? That ships are fragile. Did Friso watch Star Wars in Freeside? I think he watched it in the limo while he was in Japan.

Yeah. In season three? Okay. Me think enough season three? Okay. Me think enough blood has been spilled. If we just send Friso, then worst that can happen is only Friso dies. Sounds good. In some ways, this is Jeremy's decision because you have been promoted to flight captain of the Heart of Glass. So these pilots will respond to your orders.

If Friso dies, we'll never get access to that tower. Like it or not, his stupid brain is where his memories are. And we need those memories back. No, his stupid brain is inside the big tower. It's his head. But in another way, that big brain needs a key, which is his brain, to unlock that bigger brain. Baston, I love you, but you're an idiot. Thank you.

You're welcome. All right, so let's do the Vanguard option then. Yeah. So I'm going to summon all the fighter crew. Yep, so a grizzled one whose call sign is Sparks, who is your second, comes up to you. Well, if that's what you say, that's what we'll goo. Goo!

Yeah, it's an old tinker gnome saying, goo into the deep blue sky! Sparks? Yes, I'm very unwell! And then he dies. And then another one immediately replaces him. Ah, yeah, Sparks had... His call sign is Caboose.

Caboose here. Sparks had Brighton problems. Caboose, you know these fighters and this crew better than I do. Sure do. So I'm going to put you in charge of Squadron A, and I'll take Squadron B. Right, so Squadron A is, of course, Crystal Wing, and he's offering to get you to be in charge of Gold Wing.

Those are the two best, I was going to say the 12 best pilots. That is the 11 best pilots on the ship after Spark sadly died. So what is it, Goldenwing, Crystalwing? Crystalwing, yep. Goldenwing. Goldwing. And there's Silverwing. So those three are the aces

and then you have some of the trainee rookie pilots. What are their names? Say all of their names, Dave. Well, that's Red Wing. Yep. Brown Wing. Yep. Oh, damn it, Dave knows a lot of colours.

And Citrus Wing. Ooh. Chartreuse Wing? Yeah, Chartreuse. Chartreuse, Chartreuse, Chartreuse. That's what I said. You all heard me say it. So, yeah, those are the wings.

A-Wing with me. Squadron A, you'll flank... Crystal Wing. Crystal Wing. Squadron B wings. A wing with me! Squadron A you'll flank Crystal wing! Crystal wing. Squadron B you're coming with me. This is all set up so that I can say come around me boys hello bees. Worth it! Can I... Well, shouldn't we send the trainees? Because they're just going to die. We're not here to lose lives.

We're here to save them. Now get in that craft. But if we're going to lose lives... Get in that craft. Make an intimidation check for me. He does still have your gun, by the way. That's a 16. You feel cowed by Jeremy's presence.

And for once, you shut up and you get in the fucking craft. All right. Oh, we should do that more often. That feels great. How do we describe space flying? No, I've made up rules for this. So you launched how many, just two wings? Well, two squads of...

Any wings that you launch are lives on the line. Okay, two squads of three. Is a squad a wing? A squad is six, so... One squad split in two. Three on each side flanking the craft. So what's Caboose doing? He's heading up on the right side.

The three on the right flank. So you're just taking Crystal Wing? You're only going to take six fighters against this swarm? Have you taken Crystal Wing before? It is wild. I lost an entire weekend. Great, alright. And the rest of you are in the ship and you're going to launch? Yep.

Yep. The other 65 pilots wave to you. Bye. Bye, guys. Bye. Have fun. Have fun.

Okay, what are we going to do? Sorry, just a quick change of plan. Sorry. Pull it together, Skaleson. I'm just a bit emotional because I really... So many of you sweating under the pressure of leadership? No. So I'm just...

I'm sweating under the pressure of numbers. It's not my strong suit. There are 72 pilots, six wings of six. Okay, so... No! Six wings of 12. That was my confusion. Sorry, a fighter wing is 12 ships.

Oh my God. I'm doing it. Okay. Does anyone here know any math? Silver wing and crystal wing are going to flank the spacecraft. We're going to send the rest of the squad fanning out in front of us to clear a path directly towards. So they'll basically.

So you are sending the rookies first. I mean, we're all family. And then these guys are going to follow behind in the landing craft. Yeah, but flanked on either side by us. Great. So you launch all the fighters on the ship and you start racing towards the ground. Very quickly, from your vantage point,

you can see safely from the rear, like a good captain, you watch as a wave of the academy's best and brightest launch and hit the cloud and seem to be immediately consumed by this cloud of, as you get closer, you see mechanical ice mephits that are tiny little wasp-like demons that are flying around the tower. And they fight and they struggle and they begin to die. But as they do that, they start to pull the cloud back and it starts to thin out. And soon you can see a patch that is clear as Logan's, through his comms, informs you of the death tally to date.

Yeah, just looking at the... Do you guys want these numbers? Because I did say I needed some good news. Yeah, go on. Dave, what are our casual thoughts? Well, of the three rookie wings that have now hit the front, about... Oh, let's see.

Yeah, okay. 14 of them have died, but they're all sort of fighting now and they're spread out thin. It is like a game of chess. You let the prawns die first. The prawns? You let the prawns die first, says Bastogne. Okay.

So this fighting has become a mess, but they're quickly dying. They're outclassed. Okay. And at that point, are you hitting towards the thinners? Yep. So you start to punch through. Now, the way this works is we go into combat really quickly.

It's three rounds to punch through to a distance close enough to the tower where you can breach it. But in order to do that you're going to have to lead the way. Okay? Yep. So Jeremy, we'll start with you in the initiative. You need to give the orders. You have two wings guarding the ship. What? That's what you said. You said Crystal and gold ring. Yeah, and there's two behind them. So there's three on either side. So it's three including... Oh, no. We're doing it again. It's surrounded by six craft.

So for half of them, do you want them to cover, attack, or scatter? Cover the ship as it goes in. Attack this... Okay, yeah. So at the front, the two at the front will attack. You're not giving individual orders to the ships. You give them to wings. To wings.

Why are they called wings? So a wing is a group of ships. Okay, make an attack action. Each ship has two wings. Make an attack action. Why? All right, 16. You did really well.

Congratulations. Eight methods die. Excellent. Next up is you, Friso. I'm flying towards the... We're in the landing craft together. Great. Excellent.

Make a wisdom saving throw. That's a 17. Wonderful. You guys have got guns mounted on the ship. You piloted really well. That's a good point. Both of you are in guns, pintle-mounted guns. Make an attack action.

Pew, pew, pew. Both of you. Choo, choo. I got a four. You missed. Wow. You hit. Seven more dead.

Excellent. Your turn. Bonus action. Two, two. I got a four. You missed. Twelve. You hit. Seven more dead. Excellent. Your turn. Bonus action. 17. Congratulations. Some of you guys died, but you killed them all. Yay! I've learnt an important lesson.

You really have. I don't know what made you think that I would be able to handle that in the moment. You did a really good job. Only some of your people died. So the Meffet war between the Meffets and the Hummingbirds is still fighting, but you breach through the thin point

in the shield that they have erected and you skid down to the ground and manage to come down low through what seems to be an archway. As soon as you go through, you pass through a shimmering field and you realise with a sort of certainty

that you're inside the atmosphere of this tower and it's safe to disembark. The fight still rages behind you. You're all welcome! Can I give the order for the rest of the fleet to withdraw? They're engaged in the fight You can, but it will take them some time to break free

You give the order to Caboose? Caboose? Yes sir Retreat at your leisure Is that a command? Good enough for me You're doing very well Can I talk to Caboose? Caboose?

Free Nespresso's for all fighter pilots You're doing very well. Can I talk to Caboose? Yeah. Caboose? Yep. Free Nespresso's for all fighter pilots. Thank you very much, Commander Filch. Not the affogatos. Just a basic Nespresso pod. I feel you are distracting him from the active combat situation that he's in, but he tries to memorise your order. As the ships glide down to a landing point, do you disembark? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You make your way out of the landing pods and you find yourselves in an open cavernous space, the sort of equivalent of the hangar space of this tower, obviously where the methods were launched from. In the centre of the room, there is a single blinking diode on a small pillar that is on a sort of raised dais.

A single blinking... What looks like a button or a terminal. It's in the centre of the room. All right, Friso, this is you. Sure, okay, I approach the dais. Great. You walk up very, very slowly towards the dais and you realise that, yeah, it's a screen

and there's a single button in front of it. I press the button. Okay, you press it. Suddenly, it's a screen and there's a single button in front of it. I press the button. OK, you press it. Suddenly, words appear on the screen and it says, Handprint identified. Freezo, press button to release master locks and confirm perimeter secured.

Yep. You press the button again. Yep. Securing perimeter and a nova of energy explodes out from the tower and every single Tinkernome ace pilot dies. What?

Friso's going to just radio back to Logens quickly. Because there's nothing else with static. Is it everyone on our ship or just the fighter pilots? Just the fighter pilots. Logens, can you hear me? All those Nespresso's for nothing. Hi, something's gone wrong with the comms. I've lost every single pilot. Logens, can you get me? All those Nespresso's for nothing. Hi, something's gone wrong with the comms. I've lost every single pilot. Logians, can you get in touch with Barbara in HR?

I feel like we're going to need to get an ad on like seek.com. We're going to need to do some hiring, I think. Yeah, I'm going to go on to fantasyseek.com for you. Excellent. Thank you, Logians. We're going to need about six wings worth of pilots. That's somewhere between 48 and 87 pilots. Another thing that happens, as well as the Nova of energy,

a sort of metal staircase snakes down from the middle of the room and it comes all the way from the centre of the ceiling, this huge staircase dominating the room, corkscrews down and lands with a thump at the foot of the tower in the room and it comes all the way from the centre of the ceiling. This huge staircase dominating the room corkscrews down and lands with a thump at the foot of the tower in the room that you're in. Alright, does it look trapped at all? What? Does it look like there's traps on it? Can I see any home alone strings? Are you searching for

traps? Are you searching for traps or does it look like there's traps? Are there any paint cans? Is Joe Pesci hanging around? You can't look up a spiral staircase. Oh. Oh. Is that why they make them like that?

Oh, my God. Because if it's a straight stair, if it's like an escalator style one. Sorry. Do you mean just stairs? Yes. All right. I'm going to do a stairs in the classic escalator style. What are you going to do?

Sorry. What are you going to do? What kind of check are you going to do? Sorry, what are you going to do? What kind of check are you going to do? A canna, I guess. It's five plus five is ten. Yeah, great. It looks magical. You know, as far as you can tell,

there is nothing particularly magical about the staircase now that it has descended. All right, let's hike our way up the stairs. Okay, you work your way up and soon you pass through the hangar and the stairs continue upwards. The room gets more domestic, more interior, kind of sort of nicer than the cold flagstones of the ground floor. And there is now artwork on the walls as you continue to ascend. What kind of artwork is it? Is it like Van Gogh's? Is it like haunted paintings of Friezo?

What do we... Interesting you mention that. Interesting you should say that. It's a lot of portraiture. Is this self-portraiture? In front of you, you can see a heroic Frieze depicting the warlock Friezo single-handedly vanquishing the vampire Strahd while his friends cower behind a bed.

Interesting. handedly vanquishing the vampire strad while his friends cower behind a bed um on the other wall you can see single-handedly friso the wise befriending the dragon at the center of the waterdavian cult and freeing the city um and then you also have um freeze a big sort of anime style wall scroll of friso achieving his apotheosis as the world's greatest pop star and becoming a god over Megatokyo. Jeremy says, now I'm no art critic. But I know what I like, and this is shit. As Filge walks up, without really looking at them, she just casually punches the Friso face out of each one.

As you do that, as you walk up... Do you need me to roll a punch? No, I believe you can punch a portrait. But as you get to the top portrait, you suddenly hear a muffled, Ow! And you look and one of the portraits is rubbing its nose. Wait, did that painting just say, Ow? Yeah, it did.

What are you? I'm a painting. Like a talking one? Yeah, a painting of Fr are you? I'm a painting. Like a talking one? Yeah, a painting of Friso in a security system. A painting of Friso in a security system? A painting of Friso and a security system. I've been imbued with his sense of paranoia. What's your name?

Painting. He's not very imaginative. Would you like a name? Sure. How about Chunkerson? Chunkerson. Chunkerson? Yep.

C-S-U-N-K-E-R-S-O-N. I'm writing that great idea down, Alex. And Baston goes to try to shake the hand of the painting, which he can't because it's flat, and he says, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Chunk. Do I have to take the name? Well, beggars can't be choosers. Jeremy says, take the name.

And does an Angelica Houston in The Witches flick of him on the painting? Oh, yeah. Yeah! All right, well, welcome home, Mr. Friese-Officin. Hello, Chunkerson. I see you're still as paranoid as you ever were. Mm-hmm. Now, as per your request, are you ready for the second part of the validation?

Look, I'm going to be honest. I've forgotten a lot of my memories. Yeah, this was the fear, I suppose. One of the reasons why I was put here. I would actually, I would really like to believe that and just let you up. And the thing about you being very paranoid is that you said, if you ever forgot all your memories, I should assume that you are hostile to the great plan.

Yeah, you did say that, so. All right, is there a, what's the second part of the test then? All right, let's go. You want to do it? You want to do the thing? No, I'm asking what it is. No, I know. I was under strict instructions to tell you nothing, Mr. Frizz-Officin. What's the second part of the test then? All right, let's go. You want to do it? You want to do the thing? No, I'm asking what it is. No, I know. I was under strict instructions to tell you nothing, Mr. Frisofferson. Oh, all right.

Do it, Friso. Let's do it then. You want to do it? He says you want to do the thing? You want to do the Batman Forever thing? You want to do the Batman Forever thing? Yeah. All right.

And suddenly the doors in front of you, which was previously locked, opens, but suddenly three pneumatic tubes, chonk, chonk, chonk, slam down over you, Filge. You burst on, and one that seems a bit too small over you, Jeremy Skaleson. Does it just come to my shoulders? No, no, you're just a real squeeze. Oh, right. You feel a whir and a suction, and suddenly you find yourselves floating inside these tubes, and then circles of the ground of

the staircase underneath fall away, and what seems impossibly somehow, because presumably the staircase is below, but there seems to be roaring fires underneath the tubes. All right, we've tested the flesh, it's you, but now we've got to test the spirit as per your request. So, in accordance with the protocol. And as he says this, a tiny little, once more, a little terminal exudes from his portrait with three single buttons on them, each a silhouette of a halfling, a human and an orc. Vent least critical companion. Kill Bobby. Can he hear us?

Can we talk? You say that and then there's the halfling button? I hit the halfling button. Jeremy, I want you to know this tube wasn't meant for you. And if you're worth your weight in salt, you'll be able to stick to the sides. He's not a gecko! It's an unspecified... He's like Augustus glooping in this.

I was about to say. If I'm Augustus glooping in this, surely I'll get advantage. Venting Bobby, roger that. And the tube starts to... The suction leaves and you start to slowly sink down and you can feel the flames underneath you and they're getting very, very hot indeed.

You are sinking slowly because you are kind of in a bit of an Augustus Scloop situation, but there's no way out as far as you can tell. Okay. Well, there is a way out, but it's down. It's hard to ride up. Can you climb up? He's not a gecko!

Well, I assume that my hands are by my sides. You can try to climb up. You can make for me an athletics check if you want. DC 18. Are these glass? No, it's crystal. It's crystal. Okay.

That's a six. So you watch from the outside. Well, most of you watch. Friso, I guess, is lost in his own thought. But you all watch as Jeremy, suddenly soundless, begins to flail in the tube and then puts his hands up trying to find some suction. But a gecko he is not. And he is face to face with you, Filge, as he begins to slide down

and his eyes open wide in panic as he slowly slides down the tube into the fire, which then slams shut, and the tube slowly raises up, and the room is empty. Give me your character sheet. Can we cut to Starburst? Johnny Starburst with the crystals on his face? Yep, yep.

Johnny Starburst is there and he's suddenly playing space poker and then the green reptilian shard winces suddenly and begins to flicker and then goes fully bright again. And at that moment, the portrait opens and Jeremy Scaleson is ejected from inside it. Holding a piece of paper which written on Friso's hands is simply the line, never forget what I did for you. And the portrait says the spirit was willing, test succeeded, and the door opens. You didn't even hesitate.

Why would I? Wait, look, look. Because... By the way, it's really important that Jeremy felt you felt everything, you heard everything, you died, and then through the magic of Friso you've been returned. But I think Friso would have done that with confidence, though. Yeah. Friso would have known.

I'm just saying that Jeremy saw you do it. And paintings like, oh, no, sorry, Chunkerson. It's like, man, yeah, I never thought we'd have to do that, you know? What was the other way? No, I just mean I didn't think we'd have to do that, you know? What was the other way? No, I just mean I didn't think we'd have to do this protocol. Do you want to get the tube? Sorry? Do you want to get the tube?

I'm good, thank you very much. Anyway, as you were... Well, are we still in tubes? No, the tubes have all disappeared. It's just Jeremy sitting on the ground holding a piece of paper. Jeremy, if you'd like to say anything right now... Yeah, a quiet word. Jeremy leads you away a few steps down the staircase.

Friso is sweating a lot. Jeremy holds up the piece of paper. Balls it up in his fist, and slugs Frisod right in the nose. Make an attack, Anna. More than fair. 15, yep, that hits. That's D4 plus your strength, which is plus one.

That's five points of damage. I uncurl my fist and flatten out the piece of paper, and I say, never forget what I have done for you. I would have killed you in an instant just now were it not for the fact that you are useful to me. The moment you stop being useful to me, Jeremy Scales said, I promise on the

heart of my love, you will die painfully. No, that seems fair. Absolutely seems fair. I smooth the piece of paper onto his chest and walk back. Phil chills out, did you boys make out?

And Bastogne yells, did you boys make out? Making your way up the spiral staircase through the door that the death of a dragon, Fred, has granted you, you find yourself in a room that seems strangely familiar. These stairs level out into a small cell, austere, it seems. There is a narrow bunk against the wall. The floor is flagstones with straw strangely scattered across them, and a high window lets a shaft of light pierce the gloom.

Next to that bunk is a small writing desk, which holds on it a book and a small bowl of quinoa. Make for me quickly an intelligence check, Friso. That's 13. 13, okay. You recognise this room to be the room that you spent many years growing up in. This is your room in the cloisters of the Temple of Mystery in Dagoth. Oh, this is the bedroom.

Or a reproduction of it. Like an Ikea showroom? Yeah. There's a toilet and it's got the plastic covers. Is it real quinoa or when you tap it, it's just like a plastic surface? You actually, as you tap it, it sort of glitters and tessellates and breaks and you realise it's an illusion. The whole thing is there to be comforting to someone.

I mean, in the defence of the quinoa, it tessellates and breaks even when it's not an illusion. But you don't get any on your fingers. But you don't get any on your fingers. I'm going to... If this is a recreation of the room I grew up in, I'm going to see if there is a hologram stored version of my spell book. Well, there is a book. There's the book on the table. Yeah. Is that my spell book? You go and investigate it?

Yes. It's a book you've never seen before. It's certainly not a book that you grew up with. It is locked and chained to the table and written in almost childlike scrawl on the cover is Friso's Diary, Keep Out. Open that up. Open that right up.

Is there a key nearby? None that you can see. What happens if I touch the book? Does it shimmer away? No, it's actually, it stays. It and the bed and the table may be the only real things in the room. Right, okay. So we probably need to bust open this book.

It's a book, just open it. It's chained. It is chained to the desk. But chained over the cover so we can't open it, right? Yeah, yeah. Can you slip the chains off? No, no, no. So there is a lock and it's chained to the desk. But chained over the cover so we can't open it, right? Yeah, yeah. Can you slip the chains off? No, no, no. So there is a lock and it's chained at the centre.

All right. Where did you keep the key for your diary when you were a kid? In, under my bed maybe? All right. Lift up the bed. Okay, you check underneath the bed. Yeah. You search the bed.

It doesn't seem to have anything there. All right, what else is real? If you're touching everything, it seems that most other stuff, there's a broom, there's the actual door that would lead out into the monastery. They're all fake. But the table is real. The table is real, the bed is

real. Oh, Skaleson, do you still have that gun? Yes. Can you just shoot open the chain? This would be the second time you guys ruin a spectral lance trying to jimmy the chains off something. What? What's a spectral lance?

They're the guns you got last time. Oh, that's the gun, yeah. Oh, I thought I had a gun gun. I thought it was a gun gun. No, you also have a gun. Oh, you mean the gun is... Yeah, the gun gun that he caught in his tail. Yo, you, sorry, the gun that Mr. Sour gave Freezo.

You do have that, yeah. Yeah, which Skaleson now has. Yeah. Maybe do an arcana check and see if this can be magically opened. I could do a jump kick at the book. Alright, that's done. It's like he never left! Friso, I will need you to hold the book up so that I can

jump kick at it. I will need you to hold the book up so that I can jump kick at it. I will need you to hold the book up so that I can jump kick at it. Oh, that Arcana Jack is a natural 20. Oh, congratulations. The book hums with magic. Is there anything else magical in the room? Think about an Arcana Jack, King. Is there anything else magical?

Hold up the humming magic book. Best on fly kicks the book. Congratulations. That's a natural 20 as well. I'm the best! So before Frison can say, hang on, that book is definitely magical. Baston takes a running jump. Baston, who has taken his shirt off off unbeknownst to you for some reason

in the background. I've had it off for quite some time it just wasn't important to my character's story and then he kicks the table which flies back against the walls cracks at a certain angle and the desk parts the chains with it and the book falls

to the ground only because that was a 20 And the book falls to the ground. Yay! Only because that was a 20. Suck my ass, Eden Lacey. Oh, boy. Take that, magic. All right, I swoop down and pick up the book. Okay, you grab the book.

Yep, so you're holding the book. And I bring Bastogne over. Yep. I'm like, your turn to read it out loud. What did it say? So have you opened it or is she going to I've opened it. Thank you. Thank you. It says Dear Diary.

No, so. The chongus is getting worse. We have the name of the episode. No. Mother says. Episode 14, the Chongus is normal. Episode 16, the Chongus is getting worse. Take that, George R.R. Martin.

No. A chance of Chonguses. Take that, George R.R. Martin. No. You, the book... A chance of chonguses. The book, for the first few pages, as you flick through, seems to be written in a strange cipher that you don't recognise. It's not a language, it's clearly a code of symbols. It's the scratches of a madman, basically. Oh, I would say it's definitely the scratches of a madman.

OK, all right. And so you're yes phil i you you read for a bit your voice is better that's true um um is this recognizable as any language or it's it's a code it's quite clearly a code okay and it's not a code that you recognize are you looking fraser uh or have you backed away into a corner since you found out this was magic am am i no are they kind of shielding are you shielding it from me yeah it was but oh can I hold it up to a mirror cuz that's code sometimes some Phil just done many an escape room but all right, and your escape room time.

Remember, this is the button. Just hit that if you need anything. You've got 60 minutes. And thank you very much. Just give me a call if you need anything. And look for UV lights. There's a bit of a tip for me. And then Phil just punches through the wall.

Just imagining Phil with her enormous hands, like, and her tongue sticking out, trying to do a little combination lock. You should nail it. 12 seconds is easy. All right, Fraser, what does this say? I don't recognise it. But it's from your childhood, presumably.

Yeah. So what code did you use? Do I know? I don't know at all. You've only looked, as I said, through the first few pages, but it all seems to be written in this code. It's gibberish. That makes sense.

Let's flip to the end. Flip to the last page. You flip to the last page and you see wedged in the, basically the jacket of the book, there is what seems to be a note against the last page. There's a letter, in fact. Is it like stuck in with washi tape and like it's got cute little... Yeah, yeah.

It's actually, it's Japanese washi tape is securing it there. What does it say? It's a letter. So it's in an envelope. Is it also in the code? Is it addressed to anyone or anything? Yes, it's addressed to you, Friso. It says to Friso.

And it's sealed? No, it's opened. All right, let's bust it open. Okay, so you're taking it? Mm-hmm. All right, so Friso, you pull the letter out of the book. And as you do taking it? Mm-hmm. All right, so Frieza, you pull the letter out of the book, and as you do, it comes easily, but as soon as you do,

you suddenly spot what seems to be a glowing rune that was placed underneath the letter, and the moment you see it, your mind screams with eldritch possibilities and make for me a wisdom saving throw, DC, 17. 15 plus nothing is 15. So the glyph of warding explodes in your face and you take...

Only 12 points of damage. Well, I only had seven. This is a very good book. Great. Then you begin to die. Make for me a death saving throw. That's

16. Alright, you succeed your first saving throw as you collapse to the ground. The glyph exploded is now mundane and you can pick up, say anyone can pick up the letter. We just step over Friso's body and, yeah, and I get Baston to open the letter. Great. Baston?

Just so you know, Jeremy picks up Friso's body and just cradles him in his arms. Oh. Oh. You perv. The letter is in a hand that you recognise as belonging to Bobby Pancakes. And to read the letter in his voice.

Friso. Max and I saw what happened to you at the fault line. We saw you die. We saw you come back. None of the others know what we saw, but we'll tell them if we need to. We know what you are, know what you're trying to become. We can help you. We can find a way to lift this curse, but if you don't stop this madness now, we will stop you. And as Bastogne finishes reading the letter, you look down at the corpse that you were ignoring that was dying,

even as it breathes its last, and then it seems to glitch. And in that moment, the room seems to twist and recreate itself. And suddenly, Friso, you are standing there again with full hit points restored. You've been brought back to life for the second time in two days. And you're beginning to realise that something is truly wrong. But what is wrong? To find that out, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you.

Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner and are DM'd by David Harmon with NPC voices by me, Ben Jenkins. Our guest this week is Emma Balfour, who was a real good sport. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at the Giant Dwarf Theatre with music by Dan and Liam Scarron. Bye!