Dragon Friends - #4.16. That's Not The Plot Of The Prestige with Balfies

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

Trapped in a tower with a half-god half-mad high elf warlock who can't die and also happened to make the tower and all the death traps therein. Emma Balfour returns as Baston while Edan continues to film an ad for.. light beer maybe? Also, a lot of this episode is set in a walk-in wardrobe, which you don't see a lot of in fantasy, actually. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tanya Cushman Reviewer's Name Reviewer's Name High up, suspended above the air in a tower that ought not to be there, are the dragon friends. Now, inside that solitary palace of isolation that was raised from the very living ice itself by one Friso, Frisophason, a warlock who has traveled far and wide and it seems now even found some measure of mastery against life and death. Friso, your memories have been taken from you, but clearly you were a busy boy for two times now. You have died and the universe has tied itself in figurative knots to restore you to life. And you do not know why.

All you know is that Bobby knew and now Bobby is dead. Jeremy, before you said you were going to try and kill me if I was useless to you, well I'm feeling pretty useless right now. Do your worst. Free shot! Do it.

I, uh, pull out my rapier. Well, you said you were going to do it painfully, don't forget. You did say you were going to do it incredibly painfully. Incredibly, incredibly painfully. I lower Friso's pants. Yes. What does his chongus look like?

You know that scam where, I don't know if you guys ever tried this in high school, where you get like a $10 note, and every time you get a $10 note, you cut a little bit off it and then sticky tape it back together and then after about $110 notes you stick all the bits you've cut off together

and then make a new $10 note. What the fuck are you talking about? You guys never did this in high school? Oh sorry we all went to high schools that had money. I'm just wondering if we cut up little bits of Friso. Like if we separate the chongus from his body, can we grow a second Friso from the cuttings?

He's a lizard. I'm a lizard. All right. Yeah, I don't want that. Don't cut off the chongus. No, I'm not Don't cut off the chongus. No, I'm not going to cut off the chongus. This is purely in the interest of science. Science officer Baston, if you'll allow it.

I'll allow it. And I place the point of the rapier right on Friso's neck, and I just lean in. Day for my immortal, day for my immortal, day for my immortal. Let's find out. Are you going to let him do that? Fuck it, yeah. I'll do it.

With his rapier? Wait, is your rapier magical? Is your rapier magical at all? It's just a normal, regular rapier. Can you do an arcana check? Can you do an arcana check? Yeah. No, no, no.

Just be... So I'm clear. You want him to use the rapier. Do you have... Is your rapier magical, Simon? I don't think so. It is, it's a plus two rapier. Oh, yeah. Do you have a non-magical one?

Because he's going to fuck me somehow, I know. How did you die? No, but didn't you just die in a magical way? Yes, you have actually, you have a non-magical dagger. What other ways? No, I'm just kidding. You know what? Here, come here.

You know what? Choke me, choke me. Choke me. Choke him. I'll do you one better. I put my jaws around his neck and I just crunch. You crunch. I crunch. In fact, why don't I

do a regular crunch. I'll let it happen. I'll do it slowly as well so that you can hear the windpipe crushing. Everybody watches. Baston, it seems a little upset that you decided not to choke him. In a way, I am. Chomping is related to choking.

Give me your character sheet. This didn't happen last time. What do you say before he chokes you? Fuck a sucker ding dong. There you are. Wait, did fuck a sucker ding dong save him? It's impossible to say. Fuck a sucker dingdong saves us all.

Okay, write that down. We've got to keep a diary of how you die. Fuckersuckerdingdong jaw chomp. You didn't say it last time. It's all right. They're working on it. All right. Now, the diary is, of course, yours,

and the letter is collected up from the floor. Frieza, you're back to full hit points, all your spells restored. You've been restored in perfect health. You are still shivering, half-naked, having lost most of your clothes in the archive, but you are otherwise looking better for adventure than you normally do. Let's be honest. Frieza. Yes?

Can't help but notice you won't die. Do you want to go? Can you teach me? I don't know that I know... No, let's not. What did you do? I honestly don't remember, Filch. But, yeah, if you want to have a go.

Yeah, alright. Can I say? For science. But, yeah, if you want to have a go. Yeah, all right. For science. For science. All right. Well, I'm going to... Are we going to keep doing experiments until we find a way to kill Friso and then in the manner of small children look and see what we've done? That's science.

Should I kill Frieza or should we keep moving? I'll kill him once just for fun. Okay. Everyone gets a go. Oh, I want to use my new lance gun. What's it called, Dave? A spectral lance? Yeah, a spectral lance.

Great. What do they look like? They actually look like hand lances. So they're infantry lances. Great. What do they look like? They actually look like hand lances. So they're infantry lances. But they've got sort of a crackling blue energy when you prime them. Yeah. And you point it at him and a ray of antimatter hits him in the chest. Are you going to say fuck us like a ding-dong or not?

Yeah, fuck us like a ding-dong. Great. Excellent. And you take 3D 10 points of damage, which 19 20 points of damage and it's it hurts like nothing that you've ever okay and then i just keep punching him to death and then throwing the lance aside he'll beat you to death for science but keep saying fuck a sucker dingo. Fuck a sucker dingo. Fuck a sucker dingo. And Bastogne's science officer is standing in the corner with a lab coat going,

Mmm. Yeah. All right. Eventually, your fists hit pavement as you work your way through his face, and the universe glitches. Owie. And Friso is standing there again. Okay, so I can't die then.

It's here. How was that though? It sucked. It was really painful. Did it fuck a sucker ding dong? Write that down. Punch to death plus Lance fuck a sucker ding dong. Continue the experiment.

All right, so now that we're here in the tower, why... We came here to kind of work out, to solve what had happened, right? And to try and find Hyperion Max. So is there a control room at the tower that might have some sort of... If only there were some sort of diary in this room. No, the diary was full of code, except for this letter. Just code? Seriously?

It's written in a code. I didn't get that, sorry. Friso wrote in a cipher that he obviously taught himself sometime in the three months that you were away that you do not know. But again, the manner of single open-plan towers is that there's only one way to go, which is up, I suppose, unless you want to go down

in the manner of an Easter Island statue. Which is real, which somebody showed me a picture of an interval. Thank you. What level of the tower are we on? Is this level one we're on? You think you're about halfway up. Okay, so let's go up, shall we? Is there more stairs?

Yeah, the door has opened again. And as you make your way up, you soon find yourselves beyond this kind of meditation room into what seems to be a room full of kind of racks, holding cloaks, clothing. You see a mannequin with a full baker's outfit. It's like a walk-in wardrobe.

It is a walk-in wardrobe. You find yourselves in a walk-in wardrobe. It's a walk-up wardrobe. I'm going to put on some... Actually, I was going to say, and in the centre of the room, there is another one of those sort of glass tubes,

like the pneumatic tubes from before, and on a pedestal in the centre of it is another mannequin, and that mannequin is dressed in what look like incredibly expensive and powerful black velvet robes that seem to hum with energy, topped off by a pair of glinting mirror-lensed wire-framed glasses

and a plain white baker's hat. Can I open the tube at all? As soon as you touch the tube It glides up into the air Excellent Alright I'm going to do a How can I know what the clothes are? What are you scared something's going to happen to you?

Roll for Can you roll for stunting looks? If I do Do I investigate Do I recognise the clothes? They just look like You've never seen them before And you didn't realise this

But they look like how you always imagined yourself to look. All right, then. I will put on the clothes. Okay, great. You die! Excellent. So you put on the robes. They also have a... There's a heavy amulet with a dull crystal on them

that I presume you put on as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go the whole nine yards. I can't die. Yeah, you can tell straight away that the amulet is magical, the robes are actually magical, and you can take plus two armor class for that, and the glasses are magical as well, although you haven't quite worked out how yet because you're not attuned to them.

Can he just, like, see things in the distance a bit more clearer than he could before? The lenses are actually a Friso's prescription. Is there prescription in this fantasy world? That's a shame. I just feel like poor guy who's an optometrist in this world. Well, that's a good question for you. I mean, Friso always wore glasses, so yeah.

I guess there were fashion frames up until now. He had headaches all the time. Maybe that's why he was so grumpy and maybe Friso will start being nice. What are you guys doing during this time? I'm trying on everything. Just tearing them? I'm finding even shinier pants

and putting them all on, stacked on top of each other. You find a Mastercraft pair of sequined stripper pants that seem strangely familiar to you. Is there anything that is familiar to me, Dave? You see lots of clothing that seems similar to the stuff that Friso's been wearing, but more expensive.

There's nothing filled, shaped or sized. So this is like the greatest hits of Friso's outfits throughout the years? That he's recreated? Yes. So like Clive Who's robes are in there? Actually, the original Clive, somehow he has found them. And Clive Who is there?

Has he been brought back? Is he also immortal? Can we test that? You tested that in season three. He's very much not. One. What? Season one.

Season one was Clive Who? Yeah, yeah. I have no recollection of that. We started dark and we kept that way. Can I'm going to like, so the clothes are around the walls of the room. Yeah. Can I just kind of run through the clothes? Because I used to love doing that when I was a kid.

Yeah. But also run my hand along the wall, like to make sure that there's any more wall or any secret holes or anything like that. Okay, so you run with your hands through the cloaks and you do a circuit. And soon you find actually hanging on one of the racks, you feel a clattering. And you stop and you look and you see what you thought was just actually a brocaded cinching sash. The types that Frieza likes to wear around his waist, actually is lined with pockets and those pockets are full of something. Oh, I look at the pockets.

Okay, so looking inside the pockets, you see small ivory carved miniatures of various different sort of animals and things you don't recognise. Oh. And anything else in the pockets?

No, that's it. Gum. I want some gum. Oh, it's some gum? I chew the gum. All right, congratulations. Write down minty. I chew one of the miniatures.

Great. So how many of these little ivory things are there? There's about six. And is ivory problematic in a magical world? How does Filch feel about it? Do we have elephants? Well, you have tusks. I have fangs, don't I? Oh, no, there are more tusks, aren't there?

I mean, it depends who's drawing you, to be honest. If some people on the internet are drawing you, you have. Do you lose the tusks when you're little? Like, you lose your baby tusks? Yeah, you get baby tusks. Normally you would, but I think Filch kept hers. And the tusks when you're little? Like you lose your baby tusks? Yeah, you get baby tusks. Normally you would, but I think Phil's kept hers. And the tusk fairy comes. Does anyone have any milk teeth still?

No. What? Ben! Not to derail. Ben. No, because we're all grown up. No, a friend of mine's got four milk teeth. Oh, that guy from Stranger Things.

Well, he's a child. Gate Matarazzo. Yeah, one of them, he has all children's teeth in his mouth. No, he grew them back between season one and two. He's got a... Oh, you mean he's got three sets of teeth? No, he's got a teeth design. No, no, no, he does.

Oh, yeah, he's a shark. Okay. Who has whose teeth? What were we talking about? The ivory miniatures. I do and I kind of check, Dave, on the ivory miniatures. No, you don't have proficiencies, so go ahead and roll for me. Okay.

Can I do something else? Roll it. Use the dice. Twelve. Plus my wisdom? Impossible. They seem like worthless, non-magical trinkets. Can I tap them and then tap my own teeth, fangs, tusks, and see if they sound the same?

Yeah, they seem to be made of sort of similar material. Put one in my mouth and give it a suck? Yep, yep. What does it taste like? Minty fresh, strangely. Impossible to know if that was just your mouth Okay I Just pocket them then

I'll decide to do something with them later Okay, so you pull them out of the sash And you start pocketing them Yeah, and I wear the sash around my head That's nice I haven't had a new look for a while Alright, congratulations So So is there anything else in the room? It's just outfits That's nice. I haven't had a new look for a while. All right. Congratulations.

So. So is there anything else in the room? It's just outfits. Other than that, those pockets that Filch found. Is there a spell book or something that I can maybe. No, there's no spell book here. Okay. All right.

Let's go up then. Jerem's going to do an investigation check. I forget about this. That's a six. That's a six. You don't find anything. Give him something to find. Oh, okay. I've actually pocketed the diary when we left the room,

even though we can't read it. Yep. I've taken it with me. Excellent. And you want me to give him something? You notice that you are hungry. You know when sometimes that just creeps up on you and you're like, I'm hungry. Is that the result of an investigation check?

Yeah. You're looking around and you go, oh. Can anyone do an investigation check? I mean, this is getting pretty philosophical. Because I did an investigation just then, but I didn't do an investigation check. No, but you just sort of, you touched all the clothes and that was enough. Yeah. All right.

Meanwhile, I have found a necklace that says Hell's Elves and I'm now wearing it. Very nice. I'm going to allow it. So the stairs continue upwards and as I said, other than this crystal necklace, the eyeglasses and the robes, Friso, there's nothing else really that you find. All right, let's go up another level then. Okay, so you make your way further up the stairs

and soon you find yourselves at another door. Busted open. Does it have a code or something? It seems to be locked. And actually scrawled again in Frieza's handwriting, you see the words keep out. I can jump kick it again. All right, give it a go.

Best done. Fly kick the door. I'm going to fly kick the door. What do I need, Dave? Oh, shit! to go. Bastogne, fly kick the door. I'm going to fly kick the door. What do I need, Dave? I... Oh! Oh, shit! Bastogne, who

you had not noticed, but during the period had taken off his pants and is now sporting devilishly short shorts, flexes, stretches, cracks his neck twice, once in each way and then does a powerful roundhouse kick. The door shutters but doesn't open. Friso, you're about to say something when Besson holds up a finger and in the silence you hear three tumblers click and then the door... ..swings open.

Eden is going to be so upset. It's rules. So what do I say in this room as we head in? I'll walk in first. You're going in first? Yeah. Okay, you make your way into the room, and it seems dark, but you can see workbenches, some kind of huge figure

draped in cloth in the far distance of the room, and there seems to be shelving and benches and tables all around the room. And there's also another portrait, and Chunkerson's there. Ah, Chunkerson! And he's like... These are all portraits of Friso's heroic endeavours. What is this a portrait of?

This is a portrait of Friso hosting a popular home renovation program in America while raising three boys with a wise next-door neighbor on public access television I believe. No ABC. And Chunkison turns to face you. Hey, just noticed I wouldn't be very good at my job if I didn't notice someone just fly-kicked a door open. That was me. Right, do you want me to vaporise him or...?

Is everyone...? Wait, Chunkerson, do you know if everyone's immortal in this room? Oh, I don't really. That's not my cuppa area. Chunkerson sounds a lot like Lodgings. Uh, yep. That's not my cuppa area. Chunkerson sounds a lot like Lodgings. Yep. Chunkerson, Hunkerson, you don't want to be vaporising me? Well, no, I don't really want to be vaporising anybody.

Every moment of my life is conflict. I was brought into being by a sort of mad semi-god, so it's not really about what I want. What do you want? Oh, well, if you ask me, of mad semi-god, so it's not really about what I want. What do you want? Oh, well, if you ask me, I just sort of want to go off and run a little bookshop. A question. A hook shop?

A bookshop. What would a hook shop be? I don't know, maybe you'd go to a fishing town and they'd be like, you'd be selling You know what, that's probably number two. Bookshop, hookshop. Maybe books and hooks? Chonkison's books and hooks. And his eyes kind of light up. He's like, I can see it now.

Get real in a good book. That's what it'd say on the painted sign. Hey, Chonkison, what's your favourite chess piece? Oh, goodness. I don't know. I like the way that the little horse looks. Oh, never mind. I don't know, I like the way that the little horse looks.

Why? Never mind. Nobody tell them, but later tonight, Ben, you're going to be lying in bed and you're going to kick yourself. Set him up, leave him there. Rook! Rook! Ben's head's just going, king, queen, bishop, pawn. And then it went, battleship, iron.

Scotty dog. Now, the room is still quite dark, so it's difficult to see anything except the portrait of Chunkerson that's right there. Oh, hey, can I cast invocations about my spellbook? Cantrips. Cantrips and stuff? Yeah, yeah.

I'll cast light. All right, you cast light, and the room blossoms into light, and you can see it for the first time, and it is a workshop. There are low benches. I can actually see, like, a crystal ball sitting in a sconce on a tripod. There is... Crystal ball. To the crystal ball.

Okay. Can you keep saying what Friso's eyes saw, even though he interrupted you? Well, no, I can't, because you see, only Friso's in the room. So, Friso, you walk towards the crystal ball. You guys can come in, I found a ball. I put my hand on the ball. Ooh. Make for me a dexterity saving throw, DC, 18.

Doesn't matter what I got. I'm immortal. Okay, you are electrocuted and die. Doesn't matter. I'm immortal. Bring me back. Bring me. This rules.

I hate this. This was a terrible idea. Friso, though, Hing, have you considered whether or not this is an immortality thing or if it's like a prestige situation? Friso's in a box under the tower. Like I said, if you cut off my chongies, you can grow another one from there. That's not the plot of the prestige!

My understanding of the mechanics of the prestige chambers was that every night the magician cut off his dick and then grew it overnight in a tank of fluid. And Michael Caine said, I knew a man who lost his dick at sea. He said it was not going home chunker looks at you and he goes yeah that's a good trick the orb trap put something glittering in the workshop like flies to honey you're not the first people who've tried to break in here

oh yeah some of the most rare books in all the nine known worlds. As Mr. Frizz-Officer will tell you, he scoured all the planes and brought back some of the rarest and most powerful books. Of course people are going to come in here and want a bit of a sticky beak. I wish that my books at hook shops

was this popular, you know. I'm looking for investors, actually, now that I think about it. Chunkerson, show us some security footage of the people trying to break in and see if we can identify them at all. Yeah, all right. And suddenly the portrait turns into a kind of grainy security footage.

On screen. Now, okay, this is from a couple of months ago, I think. Yeah, yeah, this is two adventurers, one of them by the name of Ravenpuss, the other one unidentified. As you can see, they're coming up. They've passed through the swarm,

which is quite good. You see them go through the swarm, not unlike how you did. Sidestep the pneumatic tube. That was clever. Yep, very clever. How'd they get around that without... Gaseous form spell.

Just be vaped right through. Yep, but check it out. Bing, bang, bong, goes straight for the globe. I mean, for the orb. Every single time. Every single time. And then they go, yep, he got orbed, and you see them electrocute.

Do we recognise any other people as we flick the people? So these are just... What he was showing you then was two rogues, and he was like, there are plenty of adventurers, most from the Bluffs of Chance, who've come here trying to reclaim stolen magical property. Oh, they're trying to reclaim it. If we cast light down on the floor, are there just skellingtons everywhere?

There are actually, particularly around the orb, now that you notice, there are, like, shadows burnt into the tiles. Oh, like Pompeii. And also, like, there's a wall, and on the wall there's a golden statue that also has a lot of these orbs and then there's just like a dead person on the ground with the portcullis through them. I said like Pompeii and I'm getting a lot of weird looks on the table. It's not how pyroclastic flows work. Oh my god now you've done it. What do you mean? No we're not doing this. No no no no it's true Balfour only agrees to do it on the show

if we let her have a rant about pyroclastic clouds On a wall, I think you're thinking of nuclear thing. Yeah Love that movie so rest if you make your way into the room. Oh, I want to check out these books. Nobody touch the orb. Except for you, Jeremy. Go nuts. I'm flipping my long scaly bird.

Let's check out all these books. So this is like the Frieza's equivalent of the British Museum. Incredibly powerful. They're incredibly powerful spell books. All stolen. One of them you recognise, in fact, two of them you recognise from the memory from the House Eternal. And there are a lot of similarly sized books that presumably came from the same place.

It seems that these are books that have been filched far and wide. And one of them is just The Firm by John Grisham. Ooh. Ooh. And it looks like a normal book too. It's not found or it's just a... Any Tom Clancy stuff in there? Yeah, there's Rainbow Six.

There's a very worn copy of the game. Yeah. Canon. That is canon because I think in, like, season two... You were a pick-up artist. ...Frizo tried to neg the vampire... You have very complicated politics. And I don't mean your character.

That's fair. So, yeah, so there are spell books everywhere, and there seems to be, like, spell books for incredibly powerful magic users. Is my spell book here at all? Yes, you find your spell book. Shotgun. Okay. How much easier would this world be if you could...

Congratulations, you get two level three spells, four level two spells and some level one spells. But I know all my old spells in my, you know? Yeah. Yeah, cool. You don't need your spell book anymore. You're a hexblade. Oh, okay.

I thought that was the point of dr dave taking my spell book no you just never asked okay the so you're right you're a hex blade which means that your magical sword and by the way there was a magical sword with the outfit that you found so i need so i don't need the book i need the sword now yes okay gotcha very different jeremy can do magic could he do if he gets these spells from these books, can he do some of these spells? You know bardic magic, so, yeah, there is a tome of bardic magic

by Sweedle the Bard, and it's a, um, yeah, that's right. Fucking deep cut Potter nerd, fuck me. Yeah, so you find a book that is a collection of some of the most powerful bardic magic from the Nine Known Worlds.

All right, I'll pocket that. Oh, are there any new spells for old Fuji? There is a copy of John Grisham's The Firm. What spell do I learn from it? Lawyer. Ooh. Oh, handy. So Phil's copy, handy. So Phil,

copy, yeah. Just, is it, is it the movie tie-in cover? Yeah, it's the movie tie-in cover. It's got that Tom Cruise's face and then he's running

through his own face. Perfect, thank you. How do I know that? I can picture it so clearly. I reckon you know that but you've never read it. Definitely.

Yeah, and so the other thing, as I said, at the far end of the room, covered in black cloth, there is also a huge form. Ooh. Go have a look. Pull off that cloth. Freezo, you do it. I will.

You're expendable now. Fuck a second, ding dong. Rip off that cloth. What's beneath the cloth, Dave? Okay, as you pull the cloth away, you see a huge, ornate archway that has been made in impeccable marble slabs. There is a huge sign in embroidered letters above it

that says, Abandon all hope ye who enter. And it is built into the side of the room. It recesses about 12 inches and then hits the wall of the tower. So I reckon if we turn that on, maybe that's a portal back to the archivists. And that's how I've been getting in and out of there to steal these bookies. Oh. Does it have an on switch or something?

An on switch? Does it have a fantasy on switch? Yeah. Is it plugged into a wall? Does it have an on switch or something? An on switch? Does it have a fantasy on switch? Yeah. Is it plugged into a wall? Does it have a fantasy plug? There is a, in the, okay, I hate that I'm going to say this. Make an arcana check. Woo!

That's 18 plus 5 is 23. All right, you get the sense that there is a actually there is a bevel inside the fresco and it seems to be wanting to hold something Put the orb in the bevel Orb in the bevel It electrocutes you to death

Alright But after I come back Quick question, what orb? Crystal ball Oh no, no, no. You touched the crystal orb. Make a dexterity saving throw. What do I need to beat to not die?

22. It doesn't matter. 17. You die again. All right. I got 19 that time. Is everyone just sort of standing around awkwardly while they wait for him to come back?

How long does it take? Like, how many minutes or seconds does it take for Frieza to come back? Oh, about, I I'd say 18 seconds. Bastogne is just with every one of Friso's death, it satiates something very primal within him. Oh, so he wails and like... Yeah, but like sexually. It's just awakened something.

How does Bastogne feel about these new awakenings? Extremely hard. Okay. The room is... Okay. The room starts to smell, it has to be said, like frying warlock. But you get up again

having suffered immeasurable pain. Did the orb come out of the... The orb was affixed to the tripod. Try it again. Frieza, do you go anywhere? Is there any way of tracking what happens when you die? Every time you die, remember, the world sort of glitches for a second.

And what do you see, Friso? Yeah, what does Friso see? What does he experience? I think everything just goes dark. No, no, the world looks kind of ghostly. And actually, one thing you do see in that moment when you hit the orb this time, which is that where the archway is, you suddenly see white marble flagstones leading through a portal

into a pristine, beautiful world that seems incredibly familiar. It seems like home to you. Ooh. And then the world glitches and you come back to life. So I think I need to... When I die, I can see a world through that portal there. So I think if I die and I can't move when I'm dead, I can't die and then run through.

You probably wouldn't get there in time. Okay. What if he crossed through the portal and then died? Yeah, can we move the orb closer to the portal? Are you trying to pick up the orb? No, but there's other ways to kill. All right. One.

There is more than one way to kill yourself as well. All right. All right, you zap yourself to death. And the... Sorry, I guess what you're saying is every time you die, you're going to just drag the tripod a little bit further? Yeah, I mean... Because you'd have to die like 30 times

and God knows what that would do to your mind. All right, hang on. Can Friso find out what happens if he tries to pick up the orb? Are you just dying right now? Stop rolling the dice, then. That was a nat 20. So what happened there? Is he seeing new information each time he dies? Each time he comes back, is there any toll taken on him at all?

Like mental? I feel fine. What more mental damage could he have? Like psychic damage or anything like that? Yeah, he seems to be wild. He's died eight times in the room. And every time he gets up, he grabs the tripod, screams in pain, pulls it slightly towards him. Even as he dies and becomes translucent,

it jerks a few more inches. And then he snaps back to life and walks back to the tripod. Don't help me. I can do it myself! I feel like we need to try some sort of... Three, four, four, two... How many times are you doing this? Like some sort of mortal version of edging, like getting close.

That is... Alex Lee, that is the second edging reference you've made on this podcast. I can speak to that. You just... Okay, so you're just going to... You guys are just going to let him do this? Yes.

All right. Cut that out. It's upsetting all of us. It's not upsetting me. It's not upsetting me. You've made it about halfway to the archway. All right. It would probably take...

I will say that you've done this for about 20 minutes now. Everyone's had a short rest. Jeremy's just looking at that book that he picked up before. Inside the hour, you could probably get it there. But you have also died 22 times in the last day. Okay. Is he always like this? Usually don't die as much, but basically is mad.

Should we try and go through the portal? Can we try and turn it off? Can I see anything in the room that is the same shape as the bevel? Every time you pull the orb closer because it's getting closer, you're seeing fractionally more glimpses of this place. And as I

said, it seems to call to you like a kind of home, but that might be misleading because I'm not talking about the freezer that became the twisted, disgusting, malformed, unfortunate, wretched creature that we all know and despise. I'm talking about like from something younger and purer inside you. There's something deep inside your blood or your childhood. There is something that gives you great peace. You get the sense that there is peace at last beyond this door. Oh, no.

Peace means death. I know how this works. And I don't want to die. You've done it 22 times. You've got lots of practice, buddy. No, but I reckon there's going to be something where, like, I put the thing in the thing and then it's like, finally you're dead.

Ah, sucked in, you know? So what else is being worked on in the workshop? So this is obviously a contraption I've made in the workshop, isn't it? Yeah, a lot of this is contraptions that you've made. There is a whole workbench of sort of strange, some magical items laid out. There is what seems to be a kind of array of like drift globes and sort of techno-magical parts, like a spine leading up one of the walls in the corner.

And as I said, there are these paintings lying about and there are these bookcases. Is there any way for us to... We came here to find Hyperion Max. So is there any tracking? Is there any communication device? Is there anything here where we can find him?

Is there any technology? Do we have like a Skype number? Is there any technology here that we can use to contact him or something? Well maybe Jeremy, should you do an investigation check? To see if there's anything you recognise? That's a no.

As I said, there are these magic items on the desk. There is the books. There's this kind of strange magical device along the wall and there's the archway and there's the orb. What's the device on the wall? The spine? Yes. A human spine?

No, it looks like this kind of... There are sort of blue ley lines of energy crisscrossing into a series of crystals and it leads up to what looks like a kind of miniature unblinking eye that's looking over the room. Oh. Let me look at one of the magic items on the table. You have ADT, I swear. No, because I was just thinking if I've got to go up into the eye

but these are weapons I was going to use them when I go up there to fight off anything There's a couple of items on the table There looks like one of them that you would recognise is an immovable rod There's a couple of other magic items that you don't recognise

Jeremy does not care for immovable rods And also on the floor, there's a small discarded metal orb that's open that looks like it was once sort of powerful, but it's just sort of lying in the dust. Is it the same shape as the bevel? No, it's not. It's a similar shape, but it wouldn't fit.

Okay, so none of these magical items look like they fit into the archway? No. All right, so maybe the eye, does the eye look like it's the same shape as the archway? Close. So the eye might fit into the be like it's the same shape as the archway? Close. So the eye might fit into the bevel? But it's built into the wall.

The eye's built into the wall? Yes. Okay. Alright, let's go look at that eye then. Cool. Can we ask Chunkerson? Hey, Chunkerson! What's with the eye, Chunkerson?

Is that your eye? What? Is that your eye, that eye? It's called the eye of Bauron, legally distinct. The eye of Sauron. No, that captures everything that takes place in the laboratory. Good bit of kit, that, tell you what. Oh, is this the laboratory?

Yes. Okay, just checking. Can I download the... Yeah, on screen. Oh, there's... And he clicks it and looks at you in the portrait again. Remember, it turned into security footage? It does that again.

And now you can see a bird's eye view of the room and yourselves talking to the portrait. Okay. Rewind. And it rewinds a little bit. Enhance. The room is empty and now the room gets pretty. And then he shows, oh, I can go all around, see?

And he shows you the wardrobe. And then he shows, oh, I can go all around, see? And he shows you the wardrobe and then he shows you the hangar room and he shows you the methods taking off. Show us the most relevant thing! Show me when I was making that archway. Okay, alright. And he spins back, spills, spills back, spills back, spills back about...

Do we see people being like brought back to life from Shrek-like fire? Yes. You see one or two of those. You definitely see a couple of people die hideous deaths. You had to rewind uncomfortably past a lot of Friso killing himself. Oh, can you like clip that bit out for my show reel? lot of friso killing himself oh can you like clip that bit out for my showreel and uh eventually it sort of rewinds rewinds rewinds until suddenly you see a figure of friso in front of the archway and then the image stops is there sound there is and you can see

friso pacing back and forth in front of the archway. With a spellbook in his hands and every now and then sort of tracing sigils in front of it and every time as he does this, as he traces them in the air, these sigils become real and manifest in the stones. He's carving it with magic out of the rock itself. Okay. And as you watch, suddenly you hear noise at the door behind him, although Friso is so lost in thought that he doesn't seem to notice,

as the door swings open and you see three figures enter, a halfling, an orc, and a warlock. All right, Chunkusen, pause it there. Everyone else get out of the room for a second. No. I'm worried it's a trap and it could kill you all. Deception check. That's an eight plus seven is 15.

You get the sense that he might not be on the level. 15's pretty good. That's like the sense I have around him all the time. Yeah. I sit down. On the floor? Yeah. Like, well, like I'm watching the TV.

Like I've settled in. Are you holding your legs like that? Yeah. I just lock eyes with him and I just sort of like turn my finger around like, come on, let's get this show on the road. I attempt to lean very sexily against the wall, but there isn't one there and I stumble and then just sort of cross my arms and nod.

Play! Chunkerson, play, play, play, play, play. It's up to you, Frieza. You're controlling the game. Yeah, I only take orders from Frieza. Well, play, play, play, play. It's up to you, Frieza. You're controlling the game. Yeah, I only take orders from Frieza. Well, I might take your name back then. I've already got the business cards made for my bookshop. Alright, look, before we watch this...

And he indicates that he realised that one of the magic items you couldn't recognise is a business card manufacturer that is spitting out little cards that say, Chunkerson, professional portrait. Books and hooks. Books and hooks. manufacturer that is spitting out little cards that say Chunkerson professional portrait. Hooks and hooks. Hooks and hooks. All right, guys. I want you to know before we watch this, I imagine what this is is you're like, well, not you, Jeremy.

Sorry. This doesn't involve you, but you're allowed to hang out. But feel it's best not. Imagine what this is going to show is you guys dragging me out here, and you're going to probably see something that's real upsetting. But I want you to know. How is this different from anything involving you? Sure, good point.

I just want you guys to know that over the last couple of months, having lost my memories and travelling through these nine known worlds with you, I feel like I've become closer to you guys in a way that maybe I wasn't in seasons one through three. And so the person you're about to see might do something

or say something that might change the way you feel about him. I just want you to know I'm different now. I'm immortal. You can't hurt me anyway. Play the sax. All right. I just felt like I was just about to break up with someone and they got in quick and broke up with me first.

Friso. All right. Now, I have for each of you the recording script This is what you see through the portrait Take a second to have a little look at them So who's doing the stage directions? You can do them, man

You went to Nida, you do them Do it in an acting voice though, Dave Oh, fuck you all so much Do it as Brian Bless Freezo in a flurry of Don't shake your head at me Do it as Brian Bless. Freezo in a flurry of activity. Don't shake your head at me. Freezo.

Come on. Really put your back into it. Just do it normal, Dave. Yeah, do it Dave style. Freezo is lost in his thoughts in a flurry of activity in his lab, pacing in front of a magical arch deep in thought, spellbook in his hand as he carves sigils and runes with his fingers into the living rock itself. The door behind him quietly opens and in walks

Filge Bastogne and Bobby Pancakes. He hears a voice from behind him. I sent you so many letters, Friso. Letters, Friso. Do you want to take it again? Yeah, take it again. I sent you so many letters, Friso. Friso turns around and Bobby is standing in the doorway flanked by Baston and Phil.

You shouldn't have come here. Hi, Friso. Nice place. I like the place as well. This is your last chance, Friso. Stop this madness. So you told them? You left me no choice. Becoming a god? Really, man? Come on. You know what? All of you can fuck off.

I'm finally looking out for old Friso. I was worried you'd say that. Bobby takes a small device out of his pocket. Which you recognise is the device from the floor. I can't stop you now. There's not enough time. You're too powerful to contain and too close to your goal. I can buy Max some time, though.

He presses a button on the top of it and it begins to light up. Wait, what'd that do? This was not discussed. We're going to the Shark Hole Bazaar, Friso. You can't stop this, Bobby. I can't even die. The portal is my ticket out of here to the realm of gods and my birthright. Lock me up.

I'll escape. Lock me up. Lock me up. I'll escape. Lock me up. Lock me up. I'll escape. Strike me down. I'll rise again. I can't let you sidetrack me, not after what I've learnt. I don't think you're going to remember any of what you've learnt.

None of us will. It's all up to Max now. And Bobby throws the device on the ground and it spins and flips open as a giant chest pops out and hovers above it. From your scabbards and holsters, your weapons rise gently and then slam into the box which snaps shut and winks out of existence. There's a flash of blinding light and the four of you stand in the middle of the room, frozen. The braces on your hands blink three times and then all of you vanish, leaving nothing.

So we're back in normal town now. There is a moment of tension in the room. You've all seen that. Now the image is only showing an empty room and Jeremy grabs the device. Chunkerson's like, and that's the video. Well, it was very good. I was most entertained. That was the last I saw.

Who shot that? Eyeball. Yeah, eyeball. He does good work. He's got good cinematography. Shooter editor. Oh, yes, Jeremy? I believe what I have here is a small amount of security.

We may not be able to kill you, but it seems to me that we can take you back where you started. And as he says that, he clicks it with his hand and it snaps whole again. And now he's holding just a orb once again. Oh, no. Are we going to...

Do we have to go back to the charcoal bazaar just like we already did? Oh, fuck. It's going to be just like a Beckett play. Oh, but how... Okay. How are we going to do... If we do this...

Sorry. If we do this, how are we going to keep our memories? I'm not saying we have to go. But I have this up my sleeve, Friso. All right, well, what do you want? Do you want to have another crack at killing me? Do you want to choke me? And as Skaleson holds the orb, a chill silence settles on the room

for what has seen cannot be unseen Friso you have been attempting something in this laboratory and what you are trying to achieve is impossible to say but it seems that it involves power beyond what one would argue you should be trusted with I don't mean that personally

it's just like a feeling I'm getting after having played this game with you for four years. Can the Dragon Friends stop you in your tracks? What can you do with a man who is now immortal with a singular purpose? To find out what happens next, tune in to the next episode of

Dragon Friends. Thank you. Fuck a suck a ding Dong indeed. Baka Saka Ding Dong. Baka Saka Ding Dong. Yikes. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner

and are DM'd by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by the child of a thousand voices, Ben Jenkins. Our guest this week was Emma Balfour, who was a real good sport. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Wharf Theatre with music by Dan and Liam Scarrett. Bye!