Dragon Friends - #4.18. Increasingly Sated Crocodiles with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: November 2, 2018

Ancient bards speak of the the four classic narrative structures. Man vs God, Man vs Nature, Man vs Man and Freezo vs Simple Turbine Trap. In this grand tradition we present the latest episode of Dragon Friends - with guest DM Carlo Ritchie! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Ear Jockeys! Do you have a lapel in need of a pin? Well, have I got some news for you! We have partnered with Pinney Arcade and we are making brand new Dragon Friend pins available now from our store for some money! We'll be shipping them internationally, so if you want one, hop to dragonfriends.com and have a look. It's four faces squished together, rendered in metal and enamel. What more could you ask for? I don't know, 45 minutes or so of Dragon Friends? Here's the show. Seconds have passed.

Seconds have passed since the Dragon Friends took their first steps into the dark wetways. The series of maintenance passages behind the walls of their former ship, the Heart of Glass. The air is filled with the scent of death and lilac, and the air is sticky. Sticky with an all-familiar carnal lust, and with intrigue. Why has Lady Casilda taken our brave adventurer's ship? What cocktails is Dobson Dugnut, master of beverages, favourite of our mournful mistress

and chief sexual consort of the Lady Casilda, mixing up in the bridge? And are they alone in these narrow passages? As the dragon friends set out in these dark wet ways, what mysteries lie ahead of them in the dark, wet, and steam of the heart of glass? It is so wet in here. Is it like a sauna?

Give us the vibe. What temperature is it in the wet ways? I reckon it's about 50 degrees Celsius. What? Whoa. Oh, I guess it shuts off, people. Let's say it's... So it's like the middle of the desert at midday.

No, no, but it's like a really sticky wet heat. Oh, let's say 45. Like when Sydney has a heat wave day, like that kind of unpleasant stickiness that even in the shade you can't get away from. Is it what you imagine the temperature is like in Singapore or something?

Singapore, yeah. It's quite a humid... Real Port Douglas vibes. And that horny smell that you mentioned... Is that working for anyone? Has that pervaded the wetways as well?

Have our wetways too been soiled with carnal lust? Yeah, there's... The smell that you could smell on the rest of the ship is in these wet waves. Oh, God damn it! Can I just say that as a lizard in this heat, we'll never get that out.

Jeremy just has a lot of pep in his step. Yeah, are you really thriving? Is that... I think so. Is that because it's nice and warm? Yeah. I was like, ooh, I could go with a nice big rock right now, just like bask.

Yeah, let's say, I think 50 degrees is probably a bit much but let's say 40 like it's it's really hard so it's like if you're at school they'd let you take your tie off kind of thing and you can take your tie off maybe you're wearing a tie now funny fact that he didn't go to a school where you had to wear ties you just wore one every day what it's nature anyway so yeah part of the air is like these wet waves, they have all of the air circulation of the ship, all of the various other things, they're all contained in this space.

Were the creatures on board the Saturn 9, were they little froggies or something? Little wet boys. Yeah, wet boys. Oh, they were wet boys. That's probably why they were made that wet way so wet. Are there wet boys in this wet wave? None that you can see.

But there are some tinker elves. Tinker gnomes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was thinking of that Beatrix Potter story of the elves that make shoes. Which, in fairness, Carlo is always thinking of. Taylor Gloucester every day. Just take it up there.

It's Carlo's mind elevator music. Shall we go there? How do they get the leather? Yeah, the Tinkernomes are leading you through these passages. They know this is as much a part of the ship for them as the rest of it. This is where they spend a lot of their time moving. Are there notice boards up with notices to the staff and stuff?

Yeah, like lunchtime yoga sessions. Yeah, and some of them are in-jokes about you guys. You get the sense. You can't really tell, but you get the sense that maybe you're kind of being mocked by the staff. A bit. It's nice, but it's like...

What's an example of... Who's got the biggest an example of like who who's who's got the biggest roasting out of the friends yeah there's a lot of like graffiti like freeze no and then underneath it like haha and then underneath it like seriously though freeze no but they're like they're like they were like super baffling memes because all of the all of the crew has been charmed so they're just walking down the halls being like well no you don't get it you can see like a pre-charmed. So they're just walking down the halls being like, I don't get it. You can see like a pre-charmed time when it was just,

but then yeah, during the charm graffiti, which is just this weird like Lady Casilda is wonderful. Like really erotic murals? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The best kind. No one touch the walls. So I think we should just sort of keep going, shall we?

Let's get the Tinkernums to lead on towards the bridge. Oh, it's just so casually you say that. Just get them to go in front. Yeah, they're leading the way. Alright. Sweet. So yeah, the Tinkernums are kind of walking you through the back streets

of the ship. Squelch, squelch, squelch. Filch is saying that. Filch provides her own folly. Yeah. So you can kind of, like, everything kind of feels normal. Like, while the rest of the ship has been redecorated and, like, thoroughly overgone,

this part of the ship is mostly intact. But you can't help but shake the feeling that there's something off about this space in general. Something not quite right. I'm just going to do an investigation check. Yep. That's a 16. Awesome.

You notice the walls of this are obviously all metal, and there's various piping and things going, but at various points you can see scratch marks, as if a huge shape has been pushed down it. Imagine a cylinder has been pushed through a rectangular space. That's kind of, you just occasionally see stuff like that. Oh. Wait.

Don't forget, Jeremy wouldn't know things. No. But what do we put Bobby in when we send him down? Do we put him in a chamber of some sort? No, we put him in a hummingbird. In a hummingbird. And we send him down. Do we put him in a chamber of some sort? No, we put him in a hummingbird. And we send him to the fairy. To Lady... Titania.

Titania, thank you. Thank you, audience. I remember that. I knew I was just testing you. As you're sort of walking, you can hear the Tinkernomes having a kind of chat amongst themselves. What do they say? What are they chatting about? Do you mean the ones that are leading? Yeah, the ones that are leading. Yeah

Well, I don't know about you, but I mean getting on the bridge isn't gonna be easy. I mean we haven't told them about the turbines Yeah, I figure we crossed that bridge or turbine as it was when we come to it, you know I mean I can cross the turbine quick as quick as a fish can jump onto a pan Yeah, you've said that. You say that all the time. Excuse me, gentlemen. I couldn't help but overhearing because I was listening to what you were saying. I thought I was talking in my mind. What are these turbines?

It's nothing. It's really nothing. It's just, you know, there's some turbines and that. It's a slight complication is all. What are they for? Well, what they're for is, well, basically, they kind of help power the ship in a sense. So we can't turn them off, so they're always running. But to get to where we need to get, to get to the bridge, that's the main water system,

we're going to have to go through the turbines, and turbines weren't really made to go through, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, they weren't really made to do that. There's a joke that we say here about the building of the ship. It's so strange we say it's like it was designed by a dying idiot god. Yeah, we like to think like, I mean, so many of us get killed jumping through those turbines to get where we need to go.

And it is a real bother. We used to just take the lifts. We used to just go on the lifts, but, well, I don't want to ever go on those lifts again. Yeah. Okay. Can we see the turbines? Yeah, they're just up ahead.

So they're like big worried boys. Yeah, they take you into a room where the path that you're sort of going on comes out on like a sort of balcony, looking into a room that has a single pillar running through the centre of it, a horizontal pillar, and on it is turning massive fan blades, basically right in the centre. And is it just one layer of fan blades? Just one layer of fan blades.

And on the other side, you can see another balcony. Clearly, this balcony was just designed to come in and check if the turbine was all right. It's not designed... Can I say, it's great for that. Yeah, let me just say, great for taking a look at a turbine, not great for climbing over the edge of, walking across a rotating beam, and diving through a turbine.

That is hairy business. So how do you normally do it? Like this. I just do it at a run. Good luck! And he also runs through it. They all dive through quite quick and nimbly through this turbine. Wait, be very careful with what you said. They dive or they die quite quick? They dive.

They dive. Yeah, they're obviously quite quick. Sorry, again. With a V. With a V. With a V. They die. So they're alive.

Right. So they've run across a rotating beam, hopped down. Have they jumped somehow just like timed their walk? So the rotating beam is spinning the turbine. Axle, if you will. Yeah, exactly. They're running along the axle, diving through a gap in the blades, running along the axle, climbing out on the back and the other side.

And what's under the rotating beam? Oh, I know, crocodiles. Again, was that put there by Johnny PlayStation? Why would they put the crocodile farm there? Why would they put it anywhere at all? That's what I used to say. Do they talk, these crocodiles? Look, if you can think of a better way of raising crocodiles in space,

I'd like to hear it. They need a warm, swampy, wet way. Yeah. Jeremy dives in with the crocs. Jeremy. Splash. Do you still have that immovable rod? Oh.

That you picked up in the tower? Yeah. Well, look, in the tower. Yeah. Well, look, as the immortal one here, I feel like I should be the one to jam the immovable rod into the turbine. Yeah, just gunk it up with you. Also, I don't know that Friso's body would stop the turbines, would it? No, it would just get spun around and you would keep waking up and spinning. It's actually really smart because that would feed the crocodiles.

It's a perfect ecosystem. No, because it would overfeed them. It'd be an eternal source of food and then they would get overfed. People aren't killing themselves constantly. No, but I'm saying if Freezer got caught in there, his leg would get chopped off. They'd eat that. It'd grow back when he's reborn. Oh, no, I'm just saying in general

the tinkernomes that do die can feed the crocodiles. It's a perfect system. I mean, it's academic because Philip feeds the crocodiles. Hi, no, I'm just saying in general the tinkernomes that do die can feed the crocodiles. It's a perfect... I mean, it's academic because Philip feeds the crocodiles. Hi, everybody! I'm Philip. I'm feeding the crocodiles down here and having a great time. You guys here for the feeding show? Yes, please. Oh, do you have one of those ones

where you dangle meat off a stick? Yeah, he's got one of those little Madonna mics too. We got time. We got time. So, how fast is this spinning? Pretty slowly. Like it's quite a large turbine so the spin of the axle is relatively slow.

Define like... So we could just walk through it? It's constantly... Like if you were just to go on a walk, you would have to constantly be shifting onto various parts of the axle. So the axle is rotating as well?

Yeah. I would say it's spinning about as fast as... If you have a fan, like a pedestal fan, and you have it on its lowest setting... That's so fast! That's super fast. How many of your fingers have you chopped off, Carlo, trying to put your hand through a pedestal fan?

Maybe my pedestal fan is broken. I'm going to do it with my arm. So for those listening to the podcast, Ben's doing the speed of about a broken pedestal fan. So you can... Shwup. The blades aren't blurred, but you couldn't just walk through them. I'd say it's, yeah, shwup, shwup, shwup, shwup.

Got it. Not as fast as you. Shoo-ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop. Sorry. I blacked out for a second there. Okay, well, I like this Friso and the rod idea. How about you guys?

Yep, yep. Do it. Go with our blessing, Friso. So Friso's going to take Jeremy's immovable rod and then jam it into the turbines, and then everyone else is going to jump through it. All right, ready?

So you're going to walk across the axle, jam it into the turbine. Okay, so all you need to do is... Wait, is there not a ground I can go along? There's crocodiles. You have to walk along the axle. It goes axle, crocodiles. Oh, yeah, I'll fly. Sorry.

I'll fly and do it. So I avoid the crocodiles. In many ways, I don't know why this room was designed as a challenge. All right, so I'm going to... I feel like we could do it without even... We could probably all just jump through it. Yeah. This will be quicker.

Okay. I fly and jam the rod into the spinning blades to momentarily stop it. And as soon as I press the button, I'm like, go, go, go, go, go. I hurry through. I hurry through. Best not hurry through. And you hear the ship. Something's wrong, obviously, because you stopped the turbine.

So, yeah. Sweet. Okay. Just everybody roll a dexterity check. 14. 16. 21. You need 10.

I got five. All right. Phil, as you're running across, you jump through the turbine and slip the landing. Just roll an agility test to see if you can reach out and catch the beam as you fall. Just another... You need 12.

What do I add for agility? Dexterity. Oh, sorry, dexterity. You mean dexterity. Is that a dexterity saving throw? Yeah. Because I have advantage on dexterity saving throws against effects I can see. Well, you can see this.

Well, I'm getting two dice then. Do it. 20! So good. Filch kind of grabs the beam, flips up like a pole, and then cartwheels to the other side of the balcony. Woo-hoo! Woo!

But still upset that you missed the feeding show. Yeah, furious. So, okay, now Friso is going, oh, fuck. Go through and then grab the rod. Yeah, but Jeremy wants his rod back. I mean, will the ship crash if we don't undamage it? We're going to crash into it since space. You feel like it's under a certain amount of strain.

So, alright, Friso's going to... Oh, fuck. Okay. So what's going to happen is Friso's going to fly through the blade, like through the other side of the blades, and now that he's on the other side of the blades, he's going to put one hand on the rod like that, so he's gripping onto it, and the second hand is going to press the button

to un-immovable the rod. Yeah, cuz you put the button on the wrong side of the blade that was your so now free so what happens when Friso presses as in terms of will it off balance you just take another dexterity check and we have put I'm going to put it at 15. Oh, no. That is a six. Also, you're flying. Six is less than 15. So I think, so does Frida just get dragged? Yeah, so you, no, no, no. In terms of like, you're not going to get spun.

You're flying, you're in the air, so that doesn't matter. But as you flick it off, the fan bait comes back on and chops off the end of your arm. Which end? Right, so I guess... Ironically, the end that is now... Oh, no, wait, because you were holding the rod with the other hand. So it would be Friso's right hand that would get cut off.

So your right hand is cut off, but your left hand is holding an immovable rod. Okay. So how much hand? No, no, no. Because the right hand was holding the immovable rod. It was through the blades. Oh, so then you lose the hand and the immovable rod.

Okay. And that is a very full, but very unhappy crocodile. So Friso's going to fly back down to Jeremy and say, Jeremy, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I did lose your immovable rod. The good news is I need you to kill me so I can regrow my arm. No. Alright, Frizzo dives into the crocodiles.

You jump into the crocodile? I guess. It's right through the fan. You just mince yourself, don't you? That's a six. What happens? You kind of bungle the fall. It's very ungraceful. But the consequence is you just plummet straight down

Land amongst the crocodiles And make a very irate customer Of the crocodile feeder I mean that's my job My chopped liver Which is ironically what I'm feeding these crocodiles And they eat you They eat you up

What are the rules of Friso's immortality? So, Hing, you get chomped up by a bunch of crocodiles, and then a few seconds later, you reappear slightly above the water where the crocodiles are and re-fall into that pit of crocodiles where you are once again devoured by crocodiles. I will say increasingly sated crocodiles. Yeah.

I will say increasingly sated crocodiles. Yeah. But this is the problem of before. I said, if I fell into that crocodile pit, I'll keep respawning. They're going to get obese. They're going to get overfed and fat, these crocodiles. Stop feeding them, please. Please stop doing this. My babies.

My babies. An hour passes. And it's just these crocs like and they're like kind of but they're so big now they're kind of their little arms are even littler. The desperate pleas of Philip the Crocodile Tamer have turned to

just despondent tears as he sits rocking and watches his beautiful creatures gorge themselves to death. But after a while, you splash into the water and there's a brief moment where you look around and no crocodiles want to eat you anymore. One of them's like, oh, I couldn't possibly. Wait, he's still got to get back through the other side.

Without an immovable rod. No! Oh, wait. Did I find the immovable rod? Did you look for it? Yeah, yeah. I'll look while I'm on this side. You've been too busy being eaten by crocodiles for an hour.

All right. Oh, no. All right. Jeremy says to the dragon friends, does anybody tell him that he can turn into gas? I did. And Bastan says, that's a full house and pulls all the chips towards him.

Okay, I'm going to do an investigation check to see if I can find the immovable rod in the crocodile pit. That is a 10 plus investigation, so yeah, 12. You can guess the crocodile that has an immovable rod inside it, because it has a very odd shape to it, the crocodile itself. Jeremy? Yeah? Your immovable rod is inside this very well-fed crocodile.

Mm-hmm. How much do you want it back? So much. Ever so much. Crikey. The crocodile kind of rolls. The crocodile sort of just rolls in front of you in a constant, very slow crocodile roll, never

breaking eye contact with you. It's as if it wants you to take the rod from it. It wants me to end its life? Because the rod is immovable in its... Because of all of the hing that it has eaten, all of the friso that it has eaten,

it is pushed up against the button and there is now an immovable rod inside this crocodile that it is rotating around in a horrific lollipop. Just awful. So, okay. Friso is going to take his hex blade and perform some emergency surgery on this crocodile. This is the first time you've used this hex blade.

It's to open a crocodile. What are they normally for? That's a good point. Alright. So I'm going to go up to the crocodile and Friso's going to sort of cut around where the immovable rod is to end the misery of this

poor crocodile. Yeah, put it like that, sure. I mean, he just looks a bit full. I mean, cutting a hole in something's stomach doesn't necessarily end something's misery. But I guess in Friso's world it does. So yeah, you cut it out, you find the emuva rod, you unclick it. I'm just going to roll to see how well I do the surgery.

Yep. That's a five. You call that a butchering. Am I a butcher? Yeah, you don't so much cut a hole as you cut a flat crocodile in half basically. Alright, so covered in crocodile guts. Do the other crocodiles react at all? They're pretty full but they're like, ahh.

Even for me that's pretty full on. Are you going to finish your Friso? I'm full. I couldn't have another bite. I can't tempt you with a... Look, you've put on a great spread, Agatha, and I'm very full. Philip, is there any chance we could get this Friso to go? How does Philip feel that he's just seen Friso get respawned and eaten over an hour and then take out a magical

weapon and cut open a crocodile? Philip is just, yeah, he's pretty despondent at this point. Did he know that his crocodiles could talk? You learn something every day. Alright. Hey, now I've taken all your money

in this poker game. Is anyone interested in maybe going to the bridge? We're just waiting for Freezo. We think he's only got a couple more deaths left in him. Okay, so this time, as I... I'm still... The flying spell still works. Oh, no, it probably wouldn't. It'd probably be cancelled. You are on this side of the turbine.

I'm on the right side. Yeah, because you were reaching through the turbine, so it chopped off your arm and you fell down on the inside. Because it goes axle, turbine, axle, bridge. No, but he died by a crocodile. Yeah, the crocodile's underneath all of it. So I can just swim underneath? The turbine's in the middle of the room.

So I can swim underneath the turbine? You're on the right side. You're on the right side of the turbine yeah okay okay could you flew back reach through the turbine to grab the thing so your arm fell on one side of the turbine your body fell on the other I mean if I had to go back through I'm so sorry Dave I'm trying to keep it on track if I had to go so what I'm saying is the immovable Rob because that was in my hand that would be on that side so I had to go back because the the crocodile swam it's one through go you're on the right side of the turbines all right I

don't know why you're arguing you're the right side of the term sorry okay um one of the Tink the Tinkerno who had the ladder lowers it down to you and you climb up and you're you're now back with the risk I had this hey what you got there a ladder That's cool. Cool. You guys are now standing at a passage which goes through and suddenly it starts getting a lot wetter. This passage goes a little bit lower and starts filling with water at about waist height.

But there's no crocs in this area. No crocs. No crocs. Crocs is in one room that I didn't realise the crocs were going to be there, but they were. It was a thing I said as a joke. All right. All right, okay.

So, all right, if anyone is feeling a bit drowny, you can just hop on one of the taller people or you can all hop on the ladder And I'll carry the ladder So you've got like a bunch of Tinkernomes On a ladder Over your shoulder and you're walking through They're just sort of hanging off it?

Yeah Okay, sweet, alright, I'll let you do that So you guys are going through this waist-high water Just making your way through, again, the bowels of the ship. The Tinkernomes are all hanging onto the ladder like, it's not very far now. Once we get through the water, you'll get to a service ladder. Off that, and Bob's your mother's brother,

and you're on the bridge. Cool. Okay, Drago's, what is our plan going to be? Are we going to try and send Baston out as fresh meat for Lady Casilda? Or are we going to get Frieza to do some sneaky lance stealing? Or should I just go in and chop her head off? Why don't we do all three? I'm a big fan of all of the above.

I didn't say something for Jeremy. Jeremy, what do you want to do? You know what? Oh, sorry. As Jeremy is pondering this, Jeremy, because you noticed it before, you notice again the strange kind of drag marks on the inside of the wetway here. Can I do a look at it? Yep.

And see, that's a no. Don't worry about it I see the drag marks you see the drag marks does he say anything I didn't I get a very low perception check

so I'm like huh alright alright that's probably nothing okay so

I'll go in and seduce her Frieza while I'm seducing her you do go be a gas be a fart or invisible I'll go in and seduce her. Freeza, while I'm seducing her, you do go be a gas, be a fart or invisible, and steal the lance.

Is this a corn gas? I think it's a corn gas. Corn flavored gas. It's more of a corn gas than a fart gas. If you don't hear the sound of slurping, in two minutes... What? It's nondescript. It could be anything. It's probably fucking.

Anyway, if you don't hear the sound of slurping, sensuous slurping, come in and kill her. Wait, can you do a sensuous slurp for me so I know what to listen for? Okay, ready? Okay, so... And don't tell her you're a dragon friend, because maybe she don't know. Oh, yeah, no. I'll just come in as a hot, horny dude.

It does seem she has a type, though, which is like little guys. Excuse me? Well, if Bobson is her current consort and Bobby is a previous conquest... Okay, well, let's just say she hasn't met Mr. I. Andrirovich. Me.

Alright. Happy fucking me. And Baston goes up the ladder. Didn't you say that before? Every time you fuck Baston. Happy fucking me. He's like, what's this? Reaches into his pocket, pulls out a card. Happy fucking me. Wrote that to myself earlier, just in case.

Love, Bastard. Cool, so you guys get to the ladder, holding a ladder with a bunch of gnomes hanging from it. It goes straight up, right up there, into the bridge. So you guys, that's the plan? You're going to go up first? So you can kind of hear muttered noises from the bridge. Maybe we should have a little listen first. Yeah, I'll have a listen. What can I hear at the top of the plan? You're going to go up first? So you can kind of hear muttered noises from the bridge. Maybe we should have a little listen first.

Yeah, I'll have a listen. What can I hear at the top of the ladder? At the top of the ladder, you can hear the voice that you recognise as Lady Casilda. Never heard it before. And you also hear another... That's true. Let's hope she says her own name while she's talking.

That is very true. So you hear a voice. There could be anyone. What's the level of sexy on a rate of 1 to 20? Roll a d20 and tell me how sexy it is. It is 1. 1 sexy? Oh, I am not in.

Oh, she sounds like a fucking hag. Ew. I'm really going to have to put it on. You hear a voice, another voice, which has a sexy level of 8. Okay. No 10s in there, only me. And you hear, they're having a kind of, he's getting kind of chewed out. You hear her.

Whoa. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. The last little bit is like, find it. And then. I promise you, Lady Casilda, there's no shard on board I've searched everywhere I've searched the engineering quarters I've searched every every single space I'm promising it's a planeswalker ship it has a shard and then you hear well if I could just for a moment not to be a bud in bobson

here but no there is no shard I've tried to explain it for a week. There's no shard. Then why won't the ship move? That I don't actually know. So, apologies. It could be a problem with the turbine room. You know, I thought it was an odd thing for a space agent this day and time to have steam power. But you know what? I'm into it. I'm into it. I into it I mean it could be I don't know you look very nice and navigated chair but that chairs not for you I suppose

but um look we're trying and can I just say the works are coming along really nice you've got to say the pool the pool looks incredible he's right lady Casilla I mean the ships coming along fabulously. I mean, the Saturnine 2 is going to be even better than the Saturnine 1. I want it called the SATA 10. Very good, Lady Casilda. Very good. But it's not a very good cruise ship if it can't cruise. Ha! And you can tell that she's quite drunk.

Okay, I slink back down the letter and convey the information that a couple of uggos are yammering disgustingly about how the shard is missing. Is the shard the lance? Yes. No, from your memory, so this ship is a unique ship in that most ships have a shard to be able to navigate, to travel around the Nine Worm Worlds. Your ship is distinct in that it doesn't have a shard.

It's powered by this device called the Lance, which is a very... Oh, sorry, you're right. It doesn't have a shard at all. It's able to navigate around, and it has this device. PlayStation just made it out of it. That's right. And it has this device called the lance,

and the thing about the lance is it allows you to travel into wild space. But Friso is the power source. The ship is beheld to the navigator's commands, and that is Friso. Biometrics. All right. Let's go, go, go, go, go. Same plan? Same plan. Okay. We burst go, go, go, go. Same plan? Same plan.

Okay. We burst through the manhole. Just Bastogne first, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, and you're going to gas. I'm going to just, as Bastogne goes through, Frieza's next, he's just going to watch and wait and see what happens. As gas?

You're gas? No, no. I'm still a body now. I will only turn into gas. I'll save my action to turn into gas at the opportune moment. Wait a second. Can you be invisible, though? I could be.

Can you drive the ship as a gas? Or could you drive the ship as invisible? I imagine I could, yes. Which one? I think it would be easier to do it as invisible more than a gas, I imagine. Because I think if I sat on it as a gas, you could just wave me away and then have to float back. It'd be real crook. So are you going to be invisible instead?

Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Let's see how this plays out. Because maybe we don't have to. Breezo, you're going invisible? I'm second. I'm just waiting. You're second.

You're invisible. Bastion is first. Oh, no. I'm holding just to see what happens because Bastion's already through. Okay. And so, Bast second, you're invisible. Bastion is first. Oh no, I'm holding just to see what happens because Bastion's already through. Okay, and so Bastion, you're bursting in just alone? Yep. Alright, sweet.

You burst into the room, you see immediately Lady Casilda seated on the Navigation Throne. Oh no. Beside her are two sort of sycophantic members of the Chosen and also a very apologetic looking bobson dougnut he's got his own little mask that he's like he's got a little cocktail shaker as well yeah and above her you

recognize the lance that you stole from the charcoal bazaar um a kind of spherical thing embedded um above the navigation um chair um it would, to an untrained eye, it would look like it was part of the seat. It's so perfectly meshed in. It doesn't look odd. Does the seat look different than it did before? Other than just some very plush cushions and stuff. Right. It's very, this is a very thick.

Plush cushions and a martini and a couple of packets of Lucky Strikes. Right. Beyond that. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? What? Who let him in? This is a private room.

Oh, what's that? And I drop just some water behind me. Whoops. I've dropped my water and I turn around and bend over and look over my shoulder and go, wink! And I say wink at the same time as

doing a wink. Alright, I'm gonna get you to roll a persuasion check. Yep, here we go. Fifteen. So just charisma, yeah. Alright, Lady Casilda. 15. 15, yeah.

Let him stay. Oh, I'm so sleepy. Why are you so wet? Because of you. What? You smell terrible. Bobson, do you know who this is? Shh.

No talk out of you, little man. He's saying this to Bobson? Yeah. Shh. And I walk over and I put my hand all the way over his face. So he's wearing a little mask.

Just sort of rested on his mask. Now I see you've got someone to make you beverages, but do you have someone to make you breakfast? That's me. Hi, everybody. All right. This feels like a distraction that is sort of captivating the entire audience.

So, Frieza is going to go invisible and maybe try and get the lands. Okay, sweet. You're going to sneak in behind. Awesome. Jeremy and Filch, what are you guys doing? Waiting and seeing. Yeah. And have I got my little tinker nose with me?

Yeah, they're just hanging out on the ladder. Are you guys okay here? Do you need to go back and do your work? I mean, this is like a holiday for me. All right. Yeah, they're just hanging out on the ladder. Are you guys okay here? Do you need to go back and do your work? I mean, this is like a holiday for me. Alright, yeah, stick around. Great. I think Carl's sticking around to get the sword at the end. And you can tell them about all the swords you've had.

Yeah, you guys want to hear about swords? Well, Carl does. Yes, please. Alright, Carl. First of all, I've got a sword which has fire in it. Now slow down right now. Okay. And also, I had sex with an orc and I got a sword off him.

Did you? Yeah. Meanwhile, in the throne room. Oh, Lady Casilda. You, have you ever danced the women's clench? Friso, as this is happening, there's only those few people in the bridge at the moment. It would be quite easy to get to the throne.

The difficulty with it is Lady Casilda is seated in the throne. So we need to get her out of the throne, do we? Yeah, if you wanted to sit in the throne. Okay, then Friso is invisible as he is. Is there a bathroom in here? Like a toilet for the bridge? Yeah, there's definitely a toilet for the bridge. It's not in this room.

That would be very odd. No, but so Friso's going to go into the bathroom. You haven't seen that in a lot of classic sci-fi. I'm just immediately thinking of... Sorry, everybody. I was just on the loo. In Star Trek, though, where is the toilet? Like, on the bridge.

It's... Well, I'm not saying this factually, but I would guess that in a sci-fi situation, you'd want the toilet to be immediately outside the bridge so that the captain could yell orders should anything go awry. What's happening out there? What's going on?

All right. Freeza's going to go to the sink in the bathroom and plug it and turn on all the taps. So your plan is to create a plumbing incident to lure Lady Casilda who has hundreds of servants on this ship. That somehow she is going to be the person who gets up from her seat to go and resolve a plumbing issue in the toilet on the bridge that's friso's plan here i think i think you spent a great amount of time in the wetways discussing a plan and it's come down to the old stuff some stuff in the sink and let the water run out. Carlo, I think we've discovered something about your management style. Because if I was in charge of a ship and there was a plumbing incident, I, as a hero of the people, would want to be the one to fix it. But if you're happy to sit there on your throne in your

ivory tower and not help the little guy and get one of your minions to go and fix the plumbing issue, then that's on you. And have you done that? Have you put towels in there and put space towels in the space basin and turned on the taps? Turned on all the taps.

Okay, so I guess Casilda hears noise? Well, no. The water will just start leaking out and there'll be water everywhere. Oh, there's not everywhere. It's a very big bridge! Yeah, but shoot, they'll start... Do I see the...

Here is exactly what happens, right? Did anybody... Never mind. Wait, no, hang on, hang on. The floor of the bridge, Carlo, is it carpet or is it... it's like... Yeah, it's plush carpet now, yeah, it is carpet. Oh, well the carpet's to get mouldy then,

and then someone will have to come and fix that. In like a month? Well, I guess... How long have you been planning? Oh, she'll have to get up eventually. A month from now, that carpet will be mouldy. Well, maybe the sound of running water makes her need to go to the bathroom.

Who knows? Lady Casilda remains firmly seated in the navigation chair while she discusses with Bastard. But she didn't answer me if she'd danced the women's quench. Well, have you? Not lately.

Well, do you care to dance? And he just and he does a slide towards her on his knees and then he like. It's carpet. Oh, yeah, but... Oh, God! And then he kind of like...

It's wet carpet. And then he kind of leans his upper body back and shimmies, and then he does cross chops on his crotch, and he's like, dance with me, baby. I'm going to get you to roll another charisma check. That's a pretty bold move. Because I don't know who you are yet. Nine.

Plus two is 11. No, she's like, I'm sorry. Well, first of all, thank you. And second of all, who are you? I'm the man of your dreams, baby. I can answer this, Lady Gathilda. That's Baston and Drurovich. Hey.

You fucking snitch, you filch. And that's the ex-captain Filch. But I'm not there. You just heard that through the grates. I think I heard her voice and I think she might be out of the grates. No, I'm not. Lady Castilda is me like, guards, go and look down into that.

They walk over to the main attach. Check the tap thing. From the other room you just hear a voice, Friso putting on a voice being like, oh no, it's flooded in here. Someone better come and fix it pretty quick. It looks like the kind of job that could only be done by the most powerful planeswalker on the ship.

You guys immediately at the top of the staircase, two chosen standover looking down into the shaft. They're like, there's someone down here, Lady Casilda. And then she says, very good. Let the, what are they called? Baby? No. Let the Oblexes sort it out.

And in that noise, you guys, out of the gloom, come this immense figure with many faces and many external organs, this horrific sight. Gross. We've all many external organs. This horrific sight. We've all got external organs. That might be alright. Like an arm. That's not an organ! What is it then?

These are nasty creatures of nightmare native to Carcosa. They're this shambling mass of lost, consumed souls. And they start closing in on you. Like, I think you'd probably want to come out now. Oh, they're not on the bridge. They're down in the tunnel. and they're down in the wet ways so they're between you and the ladder you're sort of now in this ladder way with these weird shambling figures no all right all right well you seem awful we're gonna go up um a taking the tinker gnomes oh please do i just carry them on my ladder like yeah i'm gonna cast this guy's self and um appear as one of the masked ones before coming out of the great

okay uh yeah all right can you do that anymore yeah can you i got magic baby how did i how does that work when they can see you? Could they see me? So they're looking down the shaft, I suppose. So they could see us. Well, they don't know you're a figure. I'm just going to roll a check. I'm going to roll a little observation check for these bad boys. Yeah, they noticed you.

Okay. They saw me change. Wait, did you just put on a mask? Yes, I dropped it before I was Captured by this orc She made me Show her the way

Through the Wet ways Alright, roll a charisma check To try and bluff your way through this That's an 18 And I say Shut up Dinkus.

No, you shut up. Now my friends are here and they'll make you pay. He's right. We will make you pay. Yeah. How dare you? How very dare you? Nobody messes with Dinkus. I thought he was sick this week. Get up here, Dinkus. You bloody champion. Thanks, guys.

The morning I've had. And Dinkus, can I just say this? I know that we're in a tense situation now. What with the obliques, Lady Casilda being a bit drunk and all this situation. But happy birthday, mate. Can we get a cake? Is there a cake that we can get for him? No, that's fine. Guys, just you remembering is enough.

All right, you guys are now all up on the bridge. Except Friso, who is enough. All right, you guys are now all up on the bridge. Except Friso, who is invisible. Baston of Indrirovich and Filge. I remember you. You I've not had the pleasure of meeting. Oh, the pleasure's all mine. It's mine. Some of it's mine.

No, it's all mine. Give it back. No. Friso, you are standing in a slowly flooding toilet. Where's the other one? Where's the funny one with the jokes? Friso, at this point, because no one's coming in. No one's even trying to help.

Friso is just like, he's doing that thing where you unfurl a little bit of toilet paper and then just feed that into the toilet. Now, Friso, I'm going to say this at this point. I'm pretty sure that a level zero or level one spell for a spell weaver is project voice or something of that nature, where you can make a distraction or make a noise. voice or something of that nature where you can make a distraction or make a noise so I just want to say I I do love that you have committed to trying desperately to make a distraction practical effects so good on you for using practical effects yeah so well I'm just gonna jam up these toilets sure with toilet paper

because yep famously yep huh as as was discussed in a previous episode yep one jam up these toilets. Sure. With toilet paper because famously, as was discussed in a previous episode, one of Bob's and Dugnut's premier obsessions on this ship is the unclogging of toilets. And so I'm going to jam as much paper into these

babies as possible and then that same voice The man the Friso the walk of a thousand voices yells that oh Someone's made a right mess in in these in all four of these cubicles All right as you stuff the toilet and flush it and make the voice a little beeper goes off on Bobson Dugnuts Really like what the toilet is closed and he immediately runs out of the situation, bangs down the door, goes to the toilet.

Somebody, somebody's bloody done this. At which point Lady Casilda stands up, worried that some danger has befallen the ship's toilet. Wait, something is afoot? Oh, it's me. Okay, so what I'm going to do then is when Bobson goes in to the toilets to unclog them, Friso is going to jam him into the toilet. Right?

Don't kill Bobson. Well, it's up to him, really. I'm going to jam him into the toilet and maybe slam his head. That sounds pretty killy. Just to knock him out. I'm just going to hit him with the toilet and maybe slam his head. That sounds pretty killy. Just to knock him out. I'm just going to hit him with the toilet seat. Knock him out in a basin full of water. Well, once he's unconscious, I'll roll him over

so his nostrils are out of the water, even if the back of his head is in the toilet bowl. Just his nostrils. Like a hippo.. Like a hippo. Just like a hippo. What could go wrong? Just make an attack of opportunity on this guy. What's that?

Eleven. Eleven. Yep. You slam his head under the toilet, knocking him unconscious, crushed by the very thing that he loved to take care of. Okay. And then...

Do you do the nostril thing? Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very importantly, he stays alive. And then with my final spell slot, I'm going to cast Disguise Self and become Bobson and then take his place. And so you're going visible, becoming Bobson. Okay, cool. Meanwhile... Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorrybson and then take his place and so you're going visible becoming Bob's okay cool

meanwhile oh no no I'm sorry very quickly and I lock the stall from the inside so no one else so everyone just thinks

that someone's been in there for ages I lock him in the stall which would be much more convincing if there wasn't water running out underneath the thing

because of the clogged drain but yes someone's drowning in that toilet. Bastard. As Lady Casilda stands up, I assume I'm close to her, I want to put my arm around her and start dancing with her in like a waltz thing.

Like grab and be like, I see you've decided to join me on the floor. And then I want to spin her. All right. I'm going to get you to roll another charisma check. It's going to be a very fucking high check. Come on. Do the dance.

No. Six. Plus two. Unhand me. And two of the favoured grab you. Oh, come on. At that point, Bobson Dugnut re-enters the room. Now all the dragon friends are in the room with Lady Casilda and a select group of the

children. Where's the funny one? I heard a fun little rumour about him. Did you know that he's immortal? That power! Becoming a god I hear. Do you have that power too? No, I'm long in the tooth that's for sure, but immortal no. Love to talk to him about it. I have a couple of suggestions for him. Why, if we could just join forces. No, he's dead. He's dead.

Phil, you also have to roll charisma check. You have to try and persuade. Persuade. You can see that this lie is true. Charisma. Charisma, yeah. Deception. Yeah, I got nothing.

That is a natural one. That is a spicy number one. Phil, the reaction you just had on stage of immediately bursting out laughing is the exact reaction that you have in the room. He's dead and then just start laughing. And then she realises and just stands very still. Yeah, I don't think that's true. Mum, if I may, I did hear a rumour about the one you mentioned.

Uh-huh. And I sidle up really close to her and I punch her in the face. All right. Are you initiating combat? Roll an attack of opportunity. What do I do for that? Just a 2d20. A 2d20?

Okay. That's a 11 and a 2. 11 and a 2. 11 and a 2. It's a swing and a miss. So you saunter over to her and try and like, I have something to tell you. Whoop!

And then swing past her face. You had a bumble to tell you. Whoop! And then swing past her face. You had a bumblebee on you. I'm very sorry, but I've got it. It's stinging my hand quite badly in my clenched fists, and I'll just go and take it out. Excuse me a moment. Awesome. Lady Casilda is like, this action seems to immediately sober her up.

She becomes incensed with rage. She's like, you would dare to hurt me? No, no, no. Lady Casilda. What? A bumblebee was about to. She's had enough. She goes, you know what?

Dispel magic. And she waves her hands. You become Jeremy. You become Friso. Are we in combat or? We are in the middle of combat. Yeah, about to be. And she goes, well, all the gang's

here. I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. My name is Jeremy Scaleson. Uh-huh. Watch out a bumblebee! 20! Yay! and watch out a bumblebee. 20. Your sleight of hand works and you punch her square in the face.

Oh no, you missed the bumblebee. What do I do for a punch? D4. 2D6, you wish mate. Plus your strength. My strength is plus one. You wish, mate. Plus your strength. My strength is... Is it a plus one? Okay.

That's a four. So you do four, including the strength? Yeah. So you do four damage. She's an old lady, right? Yeah, she's a very magic old lady. She sort of just takes the punch as if someone has just

shaken her hand that is unpleasant. But she does get furiously mad. In that way, double damage. Double damage, indeed. She takes it like a really firm handshake that she's not interested in. Thank you for that.

Thank you for that. To remind you, this is very much a one-way street in terms of communication. I have fun. We get to learn the rules. Sure. She flies into a fury of rage. She's like, you want to hurt me?

You think that you mortals can hurt me? You accept it. Sorry about that. You think that you can cause hurt to me, Lady Casilda? Well, you've never seen the thousand torments I could release upon you. Yeah. Is Phil just laughing? She's got the giggles?

Just download all these movies. No. I could... And she takes out from her top clothes... Oh! You know lady fashion. Yeah. A vial around her neck and it's got, you can see, blood suspended around a kind of crystalline tube

and it is thrumming. And she holds it up and she says, well, let's see how you fare. You know, I said all the gangs here, but that's not quite true, is it? And then it starts glowing hot and out from a side door shambles the figure of a halfling looking ashen, looking... Pallid in complexion.

With glassy eyes and a moustache. And he shambles over to the side of Lady Casilda and she says, Bobby, my love, my darling, my eternal lover, kill them. And the necklace glows a little brighter and he comes at you. The undead Bobby Pancakes. Oh, this little thing, I just sort of picked it up as a... I'll do that again.

I'm very drunk. This old thing, yeah, I picked it up for a song from Titania, you see. She knows how enamoured I'd become of my little Bobby. You know he, like, dead. Like, me don't want to be rude, but if he- You are being rude, did you know that? Well, maybe me don't want to be rude. And that is combat.

Everybody roll initiative. You are fighting the undead spectre of Bobby Pancake. And Simon, you will play Bobby. Oh. Oh, wow. What's Bobby? Does Bobby know what he's doing? He just has one prime drive at the moment,

and that is to kill the dragon friends. Oh, my goodness. How does initiative work? Dave usually does it himself. That's true. I'm going to put you in an order. I got five and he got eight. I got five too.

Amazing. I got 15. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Awesome. Bobby strikes first. He moves straight towards Baston, the closest figure,

the last to join the dragon friends. Obviously some deep seated jealousy on Bobby's part and Bobby how do you attack does Bobby have any extra powers no just Bobby as you remember

he's got his kit he's got everything everyone watch your ankles fly kick yeah what are you going to fly kick me yeah I'm going to

I'm going to leap run towards you leap up into the air, and try and fly kick you in the face. 17. As I am a level two monk, as a bonus action, I'm going to spend a ki point to take dodge as a bonus action.

Yeah, you may do that. Four. You failed that, though. I failed that dodge and get kicked. Bobby hits you square in the chest. Ow. 2D6 is too many dice for kicks. Is it?

Well, I don't know. What is it, a four? Anyway, do you do damage to me? It's both feet. Oh. It's very little feet. That's a one. Ow.

You take four damage. Ouch. What's your... Jeremy, Jeremy, you have a chance. Your move. So I have in my kit an acid vial. I'm going to hurl that at Lady Casilda's face. Oh, okay.

Yep. Just make a normal attack. If it hits, it'll automatically do damage. That's a three. It does not hit. It spirals off and hits... It hits one of the Tinkernomes. Oh no! Which one?

Phillip. The crocodile. He'd come along? He just came up like, Lady Casilla, there's something wrong with the crocodile. Oh my god, my face! Could anything else go wrong today? Oh, Philip. Who's next?

Friso. Friso's going to make a run for the chair. Okay. Dashes? Oh, well, actually, there's a dash. That was a six, but a dash. Oh, it was a nine, actually. You have to roll for a dash.

You have to roll for a dash. Take a dash. Yep. Okay. What are you going to do in there? When I sit in the chair, I'm going to try and... Oh. This is that thing.

Impulse. There's never a plan with impulse, is there? I mean, for some people who have really good instincts. Okay. Freezer's going to drive the ship back towards the Deadlands, which is where he wants to go. So you're going to power onto the ship and tell it to go back to... Back to the tower. All right.

And as you sit in the chair, you feel it kind of not with your consciousness, like a glove that fits real well, and you feel in control. Really good glove. Really great glove. You feel in control. All right, yeah. I'm flying this baby straight towards the tower.

Okay. Freezer's tower. Freezer's tower. I'm furious because I've seen what she's done to my friend and she's having sex with him. Going into rage?

Going into a rage. Absolutely. So I'm going to cast a spell on my friend Bobby with my wand. Okay, yeah. The Dildo's wand. I'm going to be like, time for sleep, my little buddy.

And I do that. So this is going to take some skill to not really hurt him, I think. Like some sort of coordination. So I'm casting the spell of sleep. Yeah, so you're clubbing him in the head? Yeah. Yeah, so... Roll at a disadvantage.

But I get advantage. You're trying not to do serious damage. So roll, yeah. That's a three, but then do I get to do it again? Do something else? Because of rage? Yeah. Yeah, so do another attack of disadvantage.

Yeah, and I'm like, it's still bedtime. And I get a five. You kind of just swing it around his head and miss both times. Best on. You've been knocked back by Bobby from a kick to the chest. Well, Baston, being a canny adventurer, has made a connection, unfathomably, between Bobby and the little vial around Lady Casilda's neck.

So I've got four attacks, but can I sacrifice some attacks to try and cut the thing off her neck? To try and sever the... Yeah, the chain. Yeah, you can definitely do that. Okay. You will be rolling at a disadvantage, though.

At a disadvantage? But do I get bonuses because I'm sacrificing some attacks? Okay, well then, yeah. You're just rolling a normal attack. What do I get plus eight to hit? What do I need? This is going to be a tricky shot.

Are you not bothered about cutting into Lady Casilda? I don't fuck. All right, we're going to say DC's 17. 17? Yeah. So I only need a 10 or more. Wait, nine or more. Yeah, I'm going to cut you more. Wait, 9 or more.

Yeah, I'm going to cut you anyway. Okay, here we go. 14. Alright, you cut the chain and the phylactery falls to the ground. It doesn't shatter, but it starts rolling away towards the rest of the party. Lady Casilda screams Bobby and dives for the vial. It now moves to Bobby.

Who's in my direct sight? Me. I guess I'm just going to run at Filge with my sword out and run attack. I don't really know how this is supposed to work. You're just going to attack Filge? Yeah, with the short sword.

Yep. That's a six. Filge, what's your armor? Nine. Nine? Fourteen. Yeah, it's a... It's fourteen.

It bounces off her armor. Bobby doesn't quite cut through. He doesn't have the strength of himself. It's for myself. Jeremy, you see Lady Casilda beside you dive for the phylactery, which is rolling in towards the midst of the group. I'm going to make a dive for it as well.

Okay. That's a nine. What's your dexterity? Five, so that's 14. Awesome. You dive and just in front of you, you manage to grab the phylactery. And I yell, Bobby, stop! Bobby sort of shambles to a stop. He's just looking vacant, staring around actory. And I yell Bobby, stop! Bobby shambles to a stop. He's

looking vacant, staring around the room. Friso. Friso's going to continue the plunge of the ship towards the Deadlands. So you're taking the ship down orbit? Yeah. Now am I correct in thinking it was difficult for the Heart of Glass to go

into the orbit of this planet before? Yeah. Or was that the security system? There was a security system, but they've since disabled. Yeah, okay, sweet. You're plumbing it down. Logan comes back online. He's like, oh, you're back, hey?

Great. Yeah, can I just say, by the way, I'm really... Whoever's in charge, I'm really happy to serve, you know? Governments come, governments go, and I am just sort of like a public servant figure. You know what I mean? Happy to work under... Are the ship's internal defences still operational? Absolutely. Then freeze this room. Is that a

thing we can do? Can you gas it? What? No! Is that a moral objection from Lodgins, or a practical? I suppose I could reroute some of the noxious waste into this room, but this room is where you are. Yes, but I'm immortal.

Just make... Make everyone else asleep. Not dead. Hang on, do you mean asleep asleep, or do you mean... No, just regular sleep, not dead. While Friso is trying to work out how dead or undead he wants to make the rest of the dragon friends of the people on the bridge, Filge, you are standing over Jeremy who has dived for the phylactery.

About a metre from you is Lady Casilda sprawled out on the ground having just dived for the phylactery. I'm going to go and stomp on the back of her neck. Fuck. Her old neck. That's pretty intense. Since it's on the ground and all, just begging for a stomping. Are you still in a rage so you get advantage?

Is that right? That's right, yes. Great. That's a 20. I got two 20s. Oh, shit. That is double 20. Wow. Wow.

Phil lifts her boot up high above the prone neck, insofar as a neck can be prone, of the planeswalker known as Lady Casilda, captain of the Saturnine and one-time captain of the Heart of Glass and brings it down with a sound that you had not encountered in your life and hope never encounters again as her head separates from her body

like a grape. And the force, the outward force of the boot hitting the floor makes the head skid far across the bridge and slam into the wall. There is a hushed silence among the favoured in the room. Jeremy has the phylactery. Friso is piloting

his ship toward his mad laboratory where who knows what dark magics he's unleashed upon the earth. Filge has an opportunity for one witty rejoinder as she has crushed

yet another planeswalker from this world and it is Your planeswalker Mia Neckstomper, bitch! The captain's back, baby! Will Friso pilot the heart of Glass back to his laboratory? Will the immortal planeswalker have another trick up her sleeve?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we join the next adventure of The Dragon Friends. Good night! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner and were DM'd this week by Carlo Ricci with NBC Voices by Ben Jenkins. Guest this week is Carlo Ricci, who I previously mentioned. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed and managed by the Mysterious Breakmaster, Beth McMullen

and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre with music by Dan and Liam Scarrett. Bye!