Dragon Friends - #4.19. The Best Kind of Coward with Montaigne

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Things are coming to ahead on the Heart of Glass. The ship may be back in the control of the Dragon Friends, but there's precious little to celebrate about. Also an old friend shows up, and it's not Bobby. Sorry. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Ear Jockeys. Not too much to report, but just letting you know that you can now catch our PAX Australia adventure on our website, recorded via VOD on Twitch. Just head to the dragonfriends.com, go to specials and have a look for it. It has special guests Steph Van Dixon, Broden Kelly, and music by the wonderful stylings of Tripod's own Scott Edgars. Check it out. Here's the show. Don't fuck it. Planar travel. The ability to flip between realities has been a jealously guarded secret known only to the planeswalker council of the nine known worlds.

Mere mortals wishing to visit distant lands have had to rely on more mundane means. A ticket on the labyrinthine cruises of Dim Carcosa, overseen by the nightmare realm's favorite daughter, Lady Casilda, unaging child of the stars. Unaging, but as we have found out, not immortal. Thanks to you, Filch, as you daintily wipe your boot on the folds of Lady Casilda's funerary gowns, her crumpled body lying in front of you, Filch, as you daintily wipe your boot on the folds of Lady Casilda's funerary gowns, her crumpled body lying in front of you, it perhaps occurs to you that nobody lives forever. Friends and enemies come and go, time marches on, and everybody has their number. Everybody, it seems, except for you, Friso.

except for you, Friso. Ooh. Friso, you are still coming to terms with this new power of immortality after a series of exhaustive experiments involving lightning orbs, turbines and apparently crocodiles. Do you like the crocodiles, Dave? You spent... That wasn't even in the notes. It was a throwaway gag.

That was a whole episode to her. Freezo, it seems like you truly cannot be killed. Now, while all of you have lost your memories, what you've been doing... Wait, wait, wait. You just used some tricky language there. You said it seems like I can't be killed. Do you want to try it again?

Do you want to stunt crocodile? Yeah, all right. A plane of crocodile bites your head off. You're fine Well all of you have lost your memories friezo what you've been doing with your newfound gift is clear you've been a busy boy It turns out you've built a tower in the Deadlands that you filled it with enough spell books and artifacts of wondrous power To enslave the nine known worlds. You've also built a giant portal in your tower's workshop of obvious importance, though it seems to still lie dormant.

Whatever you were planning has not come to fruition just yet. Now, the Heart of Glass is in your hands again. Though it still swarms with Kassilda's favored, they won't put up much of a fight with their mother dead. Friezo, as you pull the lance of Perixx from its chromatic socket on your navigation throne, you order the ship's computers to fly down to the surface of the Deadlands, to your tower, to your portal, and to your destiny. What a time it is to be alive. It is. And alive forever, it seems. Mm-hmm.

So who have we got here? Phil, just... Oh, can I ask? I forget from the last episode. When you stomped on Lady Casilda's head, did it sever her head from her neck or did it squash her head? Is her skull intact is my question. I think it stomped her...

Like an overripe grape. Neck. I stomped her neck. Okay, like an overripe neck. Yeah, so potentially the skull is still intact. Do you want to roll to see if the skull is still intact, Dave? No. I think it would be.

Yeah, it would have kind of rolled away. Do a skull check. What does 16 mean? The skull is still intact. Where are you going with this? I'm just saying, is the skull still intact? Yes, it's still intact. All right.

We should take... Don't encourage him. I rolled a 17 plus 2 is 19. Is the skull magical in origin? It's winking at you now. The skull does not seem to be magical in origin. All right, I'm going to put the skull in a bag. Hey, that's my skull.

I'll roll you for it. All right. Hey, do the dragon friends also have dice? I rolled a 19. What did you get? 14. All right. Hey, do the dragon friends also have dice? I rolled a 19. What did you get? 14. All right. Fine.

Friso, I will say, as you take a skull, which I will point out is still covered in desiccated flesh, and you put it in your backpack? Yeah, my rucksack or whatever. You're going to wrap it in a paper towel? No, no, no. You really want it to marinate. You know what I mean? You need the juices. As you pick up

the head, something glitters and falls to the ground. Oh, bags. Roll the four. What did you get? Seven. Okay, you get it. It seems to be an ebon and silver necklace of a grinning skull. Ooh.

Ooh. Well, that would fall off if you didn't have a neck anymore, wouldn't it? That's what caused... Yes, that was the key feature. Is that the... Is that the... What do you call it?

The vial that Bobby was put back into? No, Bobby's the phylactery... I have that. You have that. Are you looking at the necklace? Yeah, do one of your, do an Icana check on me. No, no, no, you don't actually need to.

For the love of God! Are you still, you're still wearing the glasses that you found in the tower? Yes, yeah. I'm wearing my glasses and my, was it rose? Yep, that's right.

I'm holding onto it, but I hold it in front of Frieza's face. So I'm going to touch it, okay. Okay, your sight seems to shimmer and it's almost as if a preternatural experience of the object forms in your head, and you realise two things immediately. One is that your glasses are not only magical,

they seem to have a property that allows them to identify other magical items. Like the Terminator's eyes. Yep, sure, that's what it looks like. You get the little... Dave, this is the closest you're going to get. Just take it. You have the little... Dave, this is the closest you're gonna get. Just take it. You have the glasses of the curator and you can write that down in your inventory.

Glasses of the Terminator, gotcha. And you've just become attuned to them. These are wondrous items and it means that now that they can work for you. And through the glasses of the curator, you can see the necklace, and you recognise it as an amulet of the black skull, and you instantly work out what it can do. What can it do? So this is a magical necklace

that will allow you to, as a move action, basically teleport up to 100 feet away. You need to do a constitution save every time you do it. If you fail, bad things happen. Bad things of the bowel nature? I can neither confirm nor deny. Does Frieza give me this information?

Yes. I think I will tell you the first half, not the second half. So Filch only knows that you can teleport. Filch doesn't know about the possible bad endings. How many metres teleport? Up to 100 feet away.

That's long. 31 metres. Nice. So, yeah, and this also means that you now have the ability to on-site identify magic items, which maybe means we'll never do a fucking arcana check again. Oh, I look at my robes. What are my robes?

They're magical. Your robes are robes of many eyes. And now that you know what they do, they give you advantage on sight, on awareness checks around you. You can see invisible. Can you spell eyes for me? This is important.

E-Y-E-S. Okay. Not the letter then. All right. It gives you 359... It gives you 359 degree vision and now that you actually see it Wait, wait, wait.

What? Wait, so there's one degree? Yeah, you have a blind spot. Everyone has a blind spot. What? Where's the blind spot? Direct back of your head. It's magic! But a single eye has No, I'll tell you why.

You can see sewn into the robe thousands of tiny little patterned eyes, and there's a seam running down the back of the robe. Oh, wait, wait. Is it thousands of... Fair play to you. Or alternatively, there's a thousand eyes sewn into this thing, and then down the back there's just 15 eye patches? Yeah.

Dave, Dave, I've got a cloak as well. Friso, look at my cloak. What's my cloak do? I look at Bastogne's cloak. Right. You have a cloak of billowing. Once per day, as a free action, you can make your cloak billow dramatically. Once per day, wow. dramatically I'm gonna tell Bastogne um that when I'm gonna tell Bastogne that when he when his cloak billows he's invincible for eight seconds okay I'm

gonna do a perception deception opposed by 12. 12 to 14. Deception is 8 plus... What's my deception? Charisma base. Oh, plus 7. 15. Oh, goddammit. You believe it. I choose to believe it. While we're doing inventory, the book of spells that I picked up, Bardic Spells, is it from

Friezo's Chambers? Are there any spells that Jeremy can understand and then perform that are in there? Yeah, so you actually have a look at it and it's a tome of bardic spellcasting and it's full of spells that you would need to take some time to decipher

them but they're like exhaustively listed down. You're a bard, I believe? Yes. So yeah, there's basically any spells that you would want up to about the fourth level, they're all in there. Okay. Anything else? No, let's basically any spells that you would want up to about the fourth level, they're all in there. Okay. Cool. Anything else? No, let's just...

Oh, wait, who picked up a magic sword? That was... Everybody has at one point, but you don't care. Bobby has a magic sword. Do you know what the sword does? Do you want me to look at that? I don't... I'm not Bobby anymore.

I mean, oh, Bobby's dead. So when Bobby... Yeah, man! Did you make yourself sad? Oh, so what does Jeremy... No, okay, that's cool. Let's go... Yeah, man! Did you make yourself sad? Oh. So what, does Jeremy... No, okay. That's cool.

Let's hightail it to the Deadlands. Okay. Who's our... Lodgins! Oh, hey, guys. Hey. On screen. Let me be the first to say, I am so...

You know what? I'm sorry, and I'm also... I feel like I let myself down in letting Lady Casilda just take the ship like that. I feel like it was a real teachable moment for me. Lodgins, you're fired. What? Dave. You're fired. What kind of being is Lodgins?

He's a ship's computer. But if I had to look him up in the player's handbook Is it like Siri where you can give him a different voice? Or the Monster Man you want. Do you think it's a good punishment that we should give him a different voice? Yeah, Jamaican lady. I will replace him.

Can we replace him? Are there other interfaces we can choose from? I have some cosmetic differences. What voices can you do? I can do three. What are we guessing? Some sort of northern English?

Sure. Yeah, options come up on the screen. And it just says one, two and three. Lodges, you're fired. Number two, you're hired. Yeah, okay. Fuck you. Happy to be on board.

Lodges, as punishment, I'd like you to play the Veng board. Not on stage, Jim. As punishment, I'd like you to play the Venga bus by the Venga Boys, but on mute, so only you can hear it. Truly a hell of your own devising. And then you just hear him kind of being like... Hey, look, look guys, um... Why?

I know that we want to go down to the Deadlands and all of that, um, and something that I've sort of been trying to say to you this entire time... I'm so upset this is back. I just want to say I had nothing... well, I had a bit to do with this actually. I'm so upset this is back. I just want to say, I had nothing to do with this, actually. You absolutely chose this voice. I said Pickford, but the number took one and three. Oh, so you preloaded them.

Can you give us a... We won't take them, but what was option number three? Number three was like, oh, me. Subtle differences. He says to you, guys, I'm glad we just have a bit of a waiter here because I haven't really been feeling myself. It's not the new voice.

I haven't been feeling myself, I think, since the charcoal bazaar. I think some things a bit wrong with the interface and especially in the engine room. I don't really think that I'm comfortable piloting until we see what's what. Lodgins? Yes? I have an existential question for you. Do you have a soul? You know I've been giving you some thought. I believe I was brought into being by the dying mind of a mad god. And as such, I think I do.

Hmm. Dave? Yes, Michael? I would like to cast a baleful curse on lodgings. On your ship's computer? Yes. I'm going to hate myself.

This is one of your new Hexblade powers? It's a Hexblade curse, yeah. And what it does is, I curse somebody within 30 feet, which he is because he's on screen. And I'm the ship, so I'm sort of... Oh, you're everywhere. No, no, but I want to be clear.

I want to separate the curse on Lodgins from a curse on the... I don't want to curse the ship, it's just Lodgins. Okay. So if at any point Lodgins dies now, he'll become an accursed spectre and be bound to my soul in my servitude. Yeah, that...

So if, for example, this ship crashed... Yeah, if the ship was destroyed or if you went into the central core and you wiped the hard drive that he's on... Then Lodgins would become my cursed spectre. Yeah, I think that would work. Okay. Cool, cool, cool.

Let's go to the engine room. Did you curse? Did you do the curse yet? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. First one there gets an espresso, and then I use my skull necklace.

Alright, it's only about 100 feet down, so I need you to quickly make for me a constitution saving throw. What does Filch think is happening when she does a constitution saving throw if she didn't realise what was happening? Oh, don't get into that. Just roll the dice. I got six. You're fine. All right, bam! And by the time everyone gets down there I'm like... Smuggers Clooney. For our American listeners, often when famous movie stars want to make money in Australia they do really cheap ads.

And George Clooney is the face of Nespresso in Australia. Yeah, do you know why, though? Is he not the face of Nespresso in America? I can't imagine he would be. He's an academy. He spends almost every dollar from that Nespresso... It sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not. Nespresso pods? On satellites over...

I can't remember which African country it is to monitor a warlord. I'm not kidding! Sudan. Am I right? Sudan, is it? That is... Yeah, over Sudan.

Yeah. Wow. That's what he spends that Nespresso money on. Well, he says he's a warlord. Anyway, we've got to wrap this whole thing up. Okay, so you make your way down and you can see the pulsing lights of the monolithic crystalline centre of industry that is the central core of

the heart of glass with a huge dais around it and standing smugly in the centre, sipping a Nespresso is your friend Filge, necklace still glittering around her neck and attendant upon her is your chief engineer and it turns out barista, barista, barista,

barista, Bobson Dugnut. I do both. Coffee and law. I do both of them. Do you like that one? It's vanilla arpeggio. Bobson, what have you got there? A central core and a dais? That's cool, isn't it? I think he's admiring the large AI housing central core behind you oh yeah yeah

the heart of the heart as we call it here I thought he was just doing that thing that we've established that Friso does when he sees someone to make conversations like hey there you are what do you got there the thing that's cool isn't it oh g'day guys it's good to have you back in charge. Tell you what...

I'll tell you what, it is. She had a terrible fluke. You know how you guys do P-A-Y-G? And that... You know how you do that? She cursed us to be slaves. Oh, that's going to mess up your super. Oh, my God.

What you put down for that period. I put it on my ABN. But I don't know where the GST goes. It's all a nightmare. Hang on. How much are we paying you? Are we paying you more than $75,000? Because if you're earning more than 75K from us in a year,

then you've got to register for GST, obviously. For our international listeners, this is an elaborate round of tax jokes. Very specific, contracted tax jokes. Bobson indicates for you to follow and he walks down a sort of spiral ramp to the heart of the heart, as he calls it. Oh, just a point of order.

So since Clostilda died, everyone who was under her thrall has forgotten everything that's happened before? They remember or... You can ask. Do you remember doing a lot of sex with Lady Casilda?

I can't remember a lot, but tell you what, I've got a boner when you mentioned her. So I think there's some... Mention her again. Let's do a control experiment. It's gone down.

I'm going to say some... I'll say some random stuff just to see if you do get a boner anyway, though. Sure. I saw Dave's mum just before the show and she was like, don't be rude. All right. Just a clown doctor. Boner? No boner.

No boner. Okay, espresso machine. Hey, Bobson. Yeah. Do you remember me putting your head into a toilet and slamming the toilet seat on top of you? I remember somebody. Was that you?

No, it wasn't. Does he have a boner at that moment or not? I am a confused half-chum. As a... Do you want me to do it again to see if you go full chub? No! As science officer... So many special guests. As science officer, do I know the head rock gnome,

Tinker Gnome, who's the head of the engineering? You do. He's actually quite built, like a brick shithouse for a Tinkernome. He's a full four feet high, and his name is Buttons. What up, Buttons? And I put my hand up to high-five him. Yeah, we've got a thing going on. Your hand hurts.

Oh, wow, he's a tough... What a real toughie. Okay. Lodgins thinks there's something wrong with the computer drive. I'm the science officer. So, status report.

Oh, yeah. You're talking about the anomaly. I've been waiting for you guys to come check this out. Go on. Oh, right this way. Okay. I know. Yep. He leads you down to an access port on the side of, again, what is essentially a giant cylinder. Suspended is a heart made out of crystal

that is sort of suspended in a field, and there are like little veins. There are just all of these little pylons and points of light coming off it. And he opens up the access point, and he points up. And for a second, you don't see anything. Everything kind of looks the same, just sort of blue and crystal and chromatic magic. And then

you see like a limpet crab affixed to the side of the heart is a small metal device that actually looks like a little spider with its claws dug into the side of the heart pulsing in a brilliant purple light. Can I look at it with my magic glass

to see what it is? This looks like technology, not magic. Okay. Although, you know... Isn't technology a type of magic, Daisy? I was going to do that bit. That's fine. Yeah, buggered if I know what it does. We don't really want to remove it because

none of us really understand how the ship works. But I'll tell you what, it wasn't there six months ago. Has anybody poked it yet with a stick or some kind of poking implement? I know that's your preference, and we were waiting for you to administer. There are two Tinker Gnomes with a 10-foot pole, both of them wearing goggles and lab coats. And they give you the 10-foot pole. Bastard takes it without looking and just gives it a poke.

Tap, tap. All of the gnomes take a step back. Nothing happens and then one of them writes in a notebook. Get a jar. Get a jar and a piece of paper. Is it out of reach, though? Is it moving? It's 10 feet up. Is it moving? No, though? Is it moving? It's 10 feet up.

Is it moving? No, no, no. It's designed to look like a spider, and its legs are spiked into the crystal. I'm going to need a table and then a chair to put on top of the table. Or a ladder. Look, we do have access to all three of those things.

But Buttons points out, while the ship is still active, going in there would kill you. You would be exposed to the vast improbable energies of the warp. And you'll recall that you did ask me to let you know as science officer anything that would definitely kill you. Right, yes. If only you had a cloak that would make you invincible. You did fail.

I did fail it. Oh, boy. Wait, is Friso down there? Was it just Eden and the science boys? No, they're all there. That's what Friso says. All right, well, staying in character. Wait, wait, wait. Best on, my friend.

Let me just double check this for you. And I cast Identify. I put my hand on his cloak. And you recognize it as a cloak of billowing, a cosmetic magical item from Xanathar's Guide to Everything. I have one of those as well. You also do? Oh, cool.

I forgot I gave you one. Yeah. This absolutely will not give you any protection, but it'll make you look ten points cooler. You two should

make your clothes below at the same time. But it's only once a day, isn't it? Yeah, so don't waste it now. Let's not waste it. Okay. So we can't get in there.

We can't get it off. We don't know what it is, it's a thing. But Buttons does speak up and he goes, however I can tell you, it's a fix to the heart itself, which means it affects jumping power. You can travel around this plane, no problems. We just probably shouldn't keep jumping to other planes until we know what caused it. Especially since we've already been installing Mr Mr Freeze-Office's upgrades. Hey, Nerdo. Oh, what?

I can't remember your little fella's name. Nerdo. Buttons, yep. Buttons. Has there been any difference in the ship's activity or abilities since you noticed the spider? Well, I mean, Mr Freeze-Office's upgrades, which we installed, has made things slightly different.

It's nay on the upgrades way. What upgrades? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the Chamber of Delights is the... The what? The ice cream parlor? We forgot to make a name for this, didn't we? Chamber of Delights.

You know, that's been probably the biggest one, and there's the gym. What is the Chamber of delights? Take me to the chamber. Yeah, sure, of course. Okay, off we go. And he walks you around a small set of pillars. And you can see a kind of crudely made out of kind of cornflute and like thick pieces of MDF.

a badly made black ziggurat, like a little pyramid about the size of a small room. Like something... And it's been painted black badly. Like a cubby house you would make for a child. Like a cubby house you would make for a child. In fact, there's even a little door and a sign that says, keep out.

I kick in the door. You're just going to kick in the door you're just gonna kick in the door kicking it kicking it in all right teen you kick in the door the doors I was that 18 cuz the doors are locked yeah 18 okay yeah sure it's badly made the door slams open in the locks break it's much weaker from the outside. And you can see just gloom inside. Gloom. Is there a light switch? No. Give me a sticky beak.

I've got dark vision. Okay. You can see a figure at the back of the... Buttons, are you doing anything? I'm just like, well... Butt, I hold out my hand. Of course... The two guys come with the pole and they give you the pole. Of course. The two guys come with the pole and they give you the pole. Of course,

of course I should say that the chamber right now, it's not being used for its typical jumping capacity. It's being used to store Casilda's guests. Obviously. Oh, well I,

no, Casilda, jilt me and I poke the figure. There's a sudden movement and you hear an ow, and a figure snaps their fingers and fairy fire flames blossom into light and you see inside, clad in leather armour, a figure that you have not seen since the days of the winter revels

in the nine circles of the abyss, a bardic enchantress of rare power with a musical voice unheard of in all the nine known worlds, and to play that bard, bass bass Wahoo Biberi, welcome back to the podcast, Montaigne! Oh hello! Thank you so much for coming back. You are of course the Bard Basebase Hooverberry. You've been detained by Lady Casilda since she plucked you from the

Bluffs of Chance and was hoping to install you in her new line, planar liner. She's locked you in this room when the door was just kicked open and then a figure has just poked you with a wooden stick. Oh, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that. Maybe a little bit, though. But let's talk about that later. Anyway.

Hi, bud. Oh, yeah. Nice to see you. Cool room. Thanks. I hung some posters, My Chemical Romance. You can see there are some My Chemical Romance posters. Oh, wow.

And a few low benches and Bass Space's magical bass bow slung against them. But otherwise, the room is very bare. Of course, we had to retrofit it as a... Well, it wasn't... She didn't say prison, but strong room. But the chamber can now, once we get Base Base out of there, go back to its original purpose. Can I ask a question of Montaigne? The posters, are they of albums or tours?

They're of, well, they're mostly just like really close-ups of Gerard Way. Is that like fantasy film or what you're taking from a telephoto lens? Yeah, just looking very beautiful in emo. Right, okay.

Do these posters look used at all? No comment. If I introduce an AI, you have questions about the integrity of the world. You're always asking about the intersections between all the different adventures that you go on. You have no problem with a fantasy bard

having posters of My Chemical Romance. I don't know if you know Welcome to the Black Parade, but it transcends Dimensions Day. Yes. When I was a young elf. Sorry. So bad. Face, face.

You're just the kind of beautiful genius that I need. Here, come look at this thing. And I take her hand and I lead her around to the engine with the spider thing in it. I sort of sidle up to Buttons and I say, what is the intended use of this chamber? So we'll stay with you guys and then we'll cut to you guys.

Oh, well, you know, Navigator Freeze obviously didn't ask me to be reasonably circumspect about the details. But let's say it increases the jumping capacity of the heart of glass. Sorry, buttons. The frequency, in fact. Buttons.

See, a ship like this is only meant to make a plane a jump about once a week. The catastrophic venting power of the engines would tear the ship apart if you jumped too quickly. Luckily, Mr. Fries-OOffice, he found a workaround. Buttons, if the Chamber of Delights is this one, where did you put all the hentai? Maybe I'm going to go just unpeel the corner of one of the My Chemical Romance posters. Just loads of hentai.

Right. So Babe Space doesn't even like My Chemical Romance that much. No, actually, she just... It's all she had. It's like in the Shawshank Redemption, how they pull back the poster and there's a tunnel to freedom. But the tunnel to freedom is also just laced with hentai. Yeah, it's a shallow tunnel full of pornography.

is also just laced with end. It's a shallow tunnel full of pornography. This is the worst thing we've created in this fucked up world. But the Chamber of Secrets, I mean, it's perfectly simple. Chamber of Delights, let's not do copyright infringement too close to the wind there. The way the Chamber of Delights works is if you, in your wisdom as the masters of this ship, decide to jump and the ship is not ready,

then we take six promising candidates from the engineering corps, we strap them onto these benches here and the box merely vents on the inside. They die a hero's death and the ship's ready to go again. Oh. It's all as per your specifications and the program to select them is very rigorous, as you say, and the candidates are obviously willing to participate. And we did remove the widows and orphans pension because, Mr Frisofferson, you're quite right, and it was a little bit overindulgent. indulgent all right let's call a let's call a team meeting then because elections are about to take place for these six sacred beings who will help us make the jump back to the Deadlands actually we don't need to we're

navigating the day I mean we can if you want if you I mean sometimes you used to just come down here and and just vent for the hell of it. But we actually are orbiting the Deadlands currently. Oh, well, let's go to the Deadlands then. Yeah, we'll be shutting down that scholarship program. And replacing it with something with more of an academic focus. Right you are. I look forward to discussing that when you return. Great.

So you want to make your way down to the Deadlands? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the spider? We don't need the spider to jump. Okay. You need the spider to jump. You don't need the spider to go to the tower. Okay, let's go to the tower.

But why are we going to the tower? Because there's that portal there. You were hoping you could cover this with the power of momentum. No, no, in my lab, there's all of my stuff, first of all. Second of all, there's my... There's the... Well, you don't care about this because you're not one of us, but... The rest of us have a home which we want to take all this cool shit

back to. When you said not one of us, did you mean warm-blooded? No, this isn't a race thing. I mean, we haven't told you, I narrowed both sets of my eyelids. That way and that way. Home is also not just the place where you

take all your shit to. Is that your definition of home? Yeah, it's what, yeah. It's like how just the place where you take all your shit to. Is that your definition of home? Yeah, it's what... yeah. It's like how Hing's home is a storage locker in Canterbury. Yeah, yeah. It's so cheap. Rent is like $85 a month. You try and beat that.

And the man lets you lock it yourself from the inside. Okay, meanwhile, science officer Indrirovich and Base Base Warhooverberry, you're looking up at this magical device. I thought it looked like a spider. What do you think? I mean, as far as I can see, it does look like a spider. Wow, I feel like we're really connected. Okay. So, what. I feel like we're really connected. Okay.

So what have you been up to lately? I didn't know this is what I was cutting to. Mostly just singing songs and... In that weird cigarette? Just in that weird cigarette, yeah. Just like humming to yourself just coming to myself just my chemical romance all day every day i guess life's better with an audience right yes i i also agree with that

it's this is one of those amazing things which we've seen with Alex before which is the ability of your character to flirt To flirt is this is hard stuck at your own ability to flirt Yeah, there's no because you can be like oh I do a backflip and then cut the drapes with a sword But like this is just you And this is painful to watch Okay, well that's all I wanted to see. Just wanted to show this spider. I poked it with a stick, but it didn't come off.

Okay, bye. Cool, man. Wait, hold on, y'all, though. Okay. Now that I'm here, I need my necklace back. It was taken away from me, and I really fucking need it. Oh, what did it look like? And I want it and I'm not going anywhere until I get it. So, BassBass goes on to explain that when Lady Casilda summoned her here

under the guise of working a gig that perhaps it seems will not be very well paid, she locked you into this temporary holding place while, this horrifying temporary holding place,... This horrifying temporary holding place while she waited for the ship to be finished. And to hold you there and to force you to stay on the ship, she took something precious from you, the necklace. This is the necklace that your mother gave you that we saw in the abyss.

And then when you tried to escape, she threw it into the wet ways of the ship, which you guys have been in before, the sort of coolant system underneath the ship. Where the crocodiles are. Canon. In the spirit of... Canon!

In the spirit of collaborative dungeon mastering, yes. The place with all the crocodiles. Quick dragon huddle. Is the necklaces talking about the one you've got? Well, we're not hearing this conversation, so I can't really comment. Cool, cool, cool. I say, I know just the man to ask.

And I go, Logins. Hello. Hello. Please summon Master of Poo. The Master of Poo. The Master of Poo. The Poo Mud. The Master of Poo and Espresso. Are you feeling well?

What? The little man with the poo boy. What, Bobson? Yes, Bobson. He's like three feet from you. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. I'm not going to lie, that hurts a bit.

It's never nice to be summoned, but it's also never nice to be summoned when you're right there. But no objections to Pooh Man. No, a job's a job. A job's a job. Love it. Love it. I'm sopping a job. Job's a job. Love it. Love it. I'm sopping a toilet. Is there some sort of filtration system where

jewellery and such would be filtered from the various poops of the wetways? The poop system. The poop chute. Yeah, they're the processing area, I think, from the... Alright. Various detritus and crocodile excrement

and crocodile bits. Lots of chopped up warlock. Yeah, lots of warlock. Bloody hog wild chopped up warlock. Yeah, over yonder. Okay, well, let's... Bobson always sounds like he's about three lines from having a stroke. I am not well.

Not well. Sometimes all the Bobs and tocks in my show they're a bit like, Dave Hughes. I'm not like Dave Hughes. I'm a goblin on a spaceship. What's that about? Oh my God, we should try to get debuts next season

Yeah there is a main processing area Where all of the sewerage is treated in the wet ways That seems like a cool idea How does that sound to you? Cool right? Yeah cool Super cool I love wading through poo

Are you going to try and make this into a cool quirky date? Yeah Here let's get on my... I've got a razor scooter. One for you, one for me. Let's ride. Sure. So while the two of you razor scoot with Bobson,

who also has a small razor scooter, to the wet waste filtration centre, you were talking to Friso about why he was getting to the portal. Yeah. Do you know what this thing is? The portal? Yeah. It reminded me of home,

and I think it goes to our home, which is in Faerun. It's a faraway land. When we left, we were sort of penniless and wanted for murdering a lot of people. But now that we have all these powerful objects, I feel we could go there and fulfil our destiny of ruling Faerun.

Season 5. You are a disgusting coward. Me? What do you mean disgusting coward? You are a disgusting coward. We are looking for Hyperion Max. We Okay. We are looking for Hyperion Max. Yeah! We...

Okay. What's going on here? I'll say this. What is Freezo's reaction to this? I think Freezo... I think Freezo is a coward. And I think he hates getting in trouble. And I think he probably feels like he's getting in trouble right now.

Like, Freezo loves doing doing bad shit but he hates consequences and as someone being mad at him feels like consequences you would you and you're the worst type of coward you're an immortal coward what's the best kind of coward a dead coward I'm sorry I'm immortal Jeremy so my free zone Oh, sorry. Bang! Phil slowly wipes the side of her face. Yeah. And then Frieza reappears. Is that what you want?

Jeremy wipes viscera from his face and runs it down his tongue and swallows. And says... Bobson, give us a boner update. Oh, he's not there. Bobson isn't there. Oh, yeah. But somewhere he's like, that's weird.

And that somewhere is just outside the vents of the filtration network. Sorry, the filtration node in the wetways. So Bobson is pulling out of some low lockers, giant kind of rubber onesies. One for each of you. One for you, Bass Space. One for you, Baston. And an incredibly tight one for each of you, one for you Bass Space, one

for you Best Don, and an incredibly tight one for him. Yeah, you're going to want to get these real filled up, because I'll tell you what, if there's... He pulls out some baby powder. Yeah, if there's one, if there's a hole in one, it's worse than not having one, frankly, because it's just... You know what I mean? No, it is.

Because it's just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Noted. I get it nice and tight around the joints. That's my advice to you. Anyway, take it or leave it. You're the bloody artist. And with that, he clangs open a grill.

And you can see it's about a 30-foot drop into what looks like a slowly, lazily circling vortex of viscera, foul-looking water, and little bits of Friso. A lot of that's useful. Sometimes you find something good. I found, the other day, I found a watch in there. So that's mine. Congrats, man. I'm really happy for you. So that's mine? Congrats, man.

I'm really happy for you. I'm going to give it to my girlfriend. Thank you very much. Isn't that kind of like a filter in the dryer that we can just take out and then it'll be there? It'll mix in with lint? This is the best I can do. Okay. Well, fancy a dip? Are you still trying to make this a fun day?

Yeah. You don't do this every day, huh? No, definitely not. He's best on a manic pixie dream boy. Just dive in poop. Okay, well... Is this some sort of breathing apparatus or am I just going to be...

Am I a poop diver now? He's got one of those old Manhattan Beach style head things and he can pump air. Okay. Do I have to go in? Can you just go in and I'll watch and I'll just wait for you. My lady, if you'll pump my air valve, then I'll dive in poop. Dive into it. And with that, Bastogne jumps twice, blows a kiss, I guess, and dives straight into the vortex.

He probably should have put the helmet on. Bobson's just holding this diving helmet. He like turns around. Oh, he's gone. All right, well, he'll figure it out. It's only about four feet of mud and filth, you realise. It's actually quite shallow. And it's all a very, very wide cone,

which means that anything heavy is going to slowly... Did he dive face first or foot first? Is he taking any damage for that? No, because it's incredibly viscous. Even if four feet has gradual stopping power. And yeah, so the very centre of this vortex is a little cup underneath the filth where all of anything heavy would have gathered.

And there are tunnels leading off. Is that how I centrifuge works? Probably, never mind. Magic. There are tunnels leading off. Is that how I centrifuge works? Probably. Never mind. Magic. There are tunnels leading off at every point, going to different parts of the wetways. Oh, so this is there,

and things are coming from there into here. Yeah, this room is basically the entire floor is a mesh grill that is a type of filter, and a slightly cleaner, foul-smelling liquid goes underneath, and then it goes through several processes until it becomes the very water you drink. Ooh.

Ooh. Will my cool lantern work here? Yeah, yeah, you imagine. My lantern of looking? Yeah. That looks through things? Yep. Let me use that to look around.

Potentially you could have done that before you got in the ship. Yep. I see that now. I see that now. Do I see a... Two things for me. First of all,

make a constitution saving throw DC 15. For poop? Yeah, for poop. Three's not good. How open was his mouth? If you fail that, do you vomit or do you shit?

You shit vomit? You are poisoned, which means that you have disadvantage on skill checks. No, I don't want to be Dave Disadvantage I want you to make for me quickly a perception check 17 and 18. Okay, congratulations. Yeah you 17 though the lantern you can see a

All of the like semi-valuable and heavy waste has gathered in a sort of small pile in the center of the vortex. But as you reach out to sort through it, you suddenly realize that you are being stalked by a giant figure who is watching you from one of the tunnels, just about 15 feet away. Oh no. And you freeze. Oh,

can I do something though? You can, but you, you haven't moved yet. Oh, okay. I'm going to grab at the thing and and I'm going to throw it up. Okay, just everything?

Yeah, just, oh, well, I should, oh, okay, right. Okay, no. It's like a magpie's nest full of glitter. What Baston would do is go... and move incredibly slow. Is that for the podcast, yeah. Eden just imperceptibly slowly moves his hand. Like a...

I'm doing a stealth hand. One of my hands stealthily. With stealth. Like I'm frozen, like a rat. Okay. You, BassBass, up above, suddenly see Baston freeze and then very slowly move his hand towards

what he's looking at with the lantern. You okay down there? Don't panic, but... I'm not panicking. Okay, well, good. I'm glad that's one of us. I think if you could, like, if you've got, like, a gun or something to... I feel like I'm about to be attacked.

I don't have a gun. Okay, well, I guess you just keep looking pretty, baby. Cool. Since you're cool down there, I'm just going to go find some snacks. And Bass Space goes to find a vending machine. We come back quickly to you guys. Okay, so do we want to get this spider off the core, or should we just, let's go to the Deadlands? We come back quickly to you guys Okay so

Do we want to get this spider off the core Or should we just let's go to the dead lands We don't I may feel like if the portal remind you of home Then that might be A good thing to do I know you Want to find my Hyperion mags

We're going down on a condition That You started that sentence Without knowing how it ends I know how it ends I'm Hyperion Max. We're going down on the condition that... You started that sentence without knowing how it ends. I know how it ends. I invented the end of this sentence. And it goes a little something like this. On the condition...

I have a fail safe. You do something I don't like. I drop this sphere, and it's mutually assured repetition. We go back to the start. That's correct. The spear would make you lose all of your memories, and it would teleport you back to the Sharko Bazaar, where this all began.

We are going there. Does it go through time as well? No. Okay. We are going there. Which would mean that the Efreeti that work there would have lethal advantage over you. Or there could be a complete...

Because it's like a showground, so there could be a completely different event there. Monster trucks. Could be monster trucks. Could be wood chopping. It is essentially just a function compound. Could be packs. Who knows?

You still don't have all of your memories back. We're going back there to jog your memories and look for leads for Hyperion Max. What you do at the same time may or may not be of interest to me, but if it does tickle my suspicions, which is a weird thing to say,

then I will tickle you right back to the Shark Hole Bazaar. During this intense moment, what's happening to you, Filch? You've finished your Nespresso. I'm cracking open a delicious Sprite from the vendor. As you've wandered off to the vending machine?

Is BassBass there? Yeah, my dad is there. You find BassBass at the vending machine. Hey, man, what's going on? And she's wearing a giant baggy rubber one-piece. The Sprites are free. Oh, yeah. The problemrites are free. Oh yeah. The problem with the machine, you've got to pay for the other ones but the sprites are free.

Okay, cool, cool, cool. That's fine. I mean, I like sprite. Cool, I love free stuff. Gotta do it. Go and drink some of that good bubbly. Wait, how many sprites does Phil just take taken from the machine? All of them.

She's carrying them all in her, like, T-shirt. Yeah. So, what are you up to? You went off with Bastogne? Yeah, he's just, like, moving really slowly in the poo. I thought I'd go get, like, some snacks. I didn't ask him if he wanted anything I probably should have asked but you know that's fine actually can I have a second sprite might take that to him as well

just do two cans if you don't mind. So like why you why you get captured by Casilda anyway what she want you for? To perform I think probably I'm a really good singer did you offer me? To perform, I think. Probably. I'm a really good singer. Did you know? Oh. Wow. In front of a vending machine, she's built out a note. Yeah. And Friso. Wow.

What note was that? Oh, it was like a, hey, sorry if anyone has perfect pictures. Oh, that real good. And as you do that, you guys walk back to the lip of the filth sewer. Which, Baston, you are inside now? Is my hand closer to the thing yet? How much time did I spend doing that? Baston's moving very slowly.

Slowly enough that the obelisk that is in the sewer, so that's what it is, hasn't spotted you yet. Is there an asterisk down there as well? Excellent, excellent try's what it is. Hasn't spotted you yet. Is there an asterisk down there as well? Excellent. Excellent joke. Fucking love it. It's a good joke. Thank everyone. I'm furious that the Obelix attacks. What is the Novelisk?

Obelix. It is... You were warned about them last adventure. They inhabit the... That was last adventure, David. They're sort of monsters made up by sort of detritus rolled together. Monsters made up, the end. Picture a lot of, like, corpses rolled up together into a sort of fleshy blob.

Oh, no, are they made up of all the Frieza's corpses? A lot. This one has a lot of bits of Frieza in it. And can we see it from where we are? You can see now that there's sort of a creature just skirting around the edges of the cone and you realize that this is why a now slightly whimpering baston is very slowly has just started to touch the silver. Do I have it? Yeah. It's in my hand? Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna jump out of the hole. 30 feet. Yep. You're gonna jump 30 feet straight up. I'm a monk.

I'm a monk. I feel like I could do it. Could you? You're a very shit monk. I'm level two. And he's in his element. Yeah. All right, tell you what.

Wait, can I do it where you run up the wall? That is such a deep cut that Eden is not offended yet. No, where you kick up off either side and you're like, ha, ha, ha. Jackie Chan? You are poisoned by the smell of effluence. Athletics check. Athletics? With disadvantage. Okay. Oh, with disadvantage.

19, 14, plus 5. So I've got 19 and 24. Okay, I'm going to say that you sort of scramble up. I'm in my element, Dave. Yes, but your element is viscera. So you scramble up the sides of the surface. You somehow manage to stay

upright and a wet sodden hand grabs onto the lip of the vent that you've jumped through. And at that moment, because you've moved quickly, the obelisk charges towards you and we go into initiative. And as I grab him, can I throw the necklace? Yep, you throw a handful of...

Of shit at base base. Of whatever is in my hair. At first taste. Of sodden, filthy, some of it bits of shrapnel. Hair. In slow motion, I'm like, I got you a necklace. But behind him already, the Obelix stalking on him,

and no one but Bastogne seems to know the terrible peril that he's in. For Filge is impressed by how much sprite she has purloined from the vending machines. For Bass Space is covered in razor-sharp cuts and has necklaces and bits of coin and hair and let's face it teeth in our eyes but Jeremy and Friso are engaged in a protracted and increasingly hostile conversation about their future and none but the Obelix truly knows what they want to do next the Obelix of course wants only to feed.

Will Baston escape? Can Friso find his future? For the answers to questions such as these, tune in to the season finale of Dragon Friends. Thank you! Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey, and Simon Greiner, and are DMed by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins.

I guess this week was Montaigne. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed and mastered by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney with music by Dan and Liam Scarrett. Bye!