Dragon Friends - #4.20. Ensorcelled with Montaigne and Demi Lardner

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

There's a very fine line between a podcast recording and a hostage negotiation in this, the 72-minute FINAL EPISODE of Season 4 of Dragon Friends. There's a lot to wrap up. There's been a lot of fucking around. Dave will keep you here all night if he has to.Featuring special guests Montaigne and Demi Lardner! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tanya Cushman Reviewer's Name Reviewer's Name The neon cyberscape of Tokyo, a dying satellite, a forgotten star, and then nothing. The last memories of four motley adventures we call the Dragon Friends. Since that time, nothing seems real, no memory seems certain, yet one thing you do know, throughout your adventures in these nine known worlds, through Carcosa, through Primus, through the Abyss, through the Shadowfell, one name has rung out

time and time again, that of the planeswalker Hyperion Max. His disappearance has caused you countless grief, You have been blamed for his murder. You have been threatened for his absence. It is said that he was once your friend but you travel with him no more. Now instead you travel with one Jeremy Scaleson, adventurer Lizardman Bard, who though capable with a blade, is sore replacement for your friend Bobby Pancakes, who has met his end in these cursed worlds. At last, it seems that an escape is possible. Power has been found. A portal, perhaps leading home, has been located.

But the one controlling it is Friso, now ensorcelled with the power to never die and a new sense of purpose. It's a real word, look it up. Fucking read a book. What was the word? Ensorcelled. And all that stands between you

is merely the power and will to open that gateway, that and a shit-covered obelisk that is even now bearing down on you, Bastogne, as your hands begin to slip on the grips of the wet-waked great. Am I within reach of him? You are, but he's covered in filth.

And also, he's just thrown all of this metal in your face. Was I not allowed to make a dexterity saving throw? That's a great idea. Make a dexterity saving throw. Use dice camp. Oh, yes. Dice camp.

Boop. 11. And do I? What's my shit? Yep, 11. Is it that? Yeah, yeah. Okay, great.

16. You dodge it all and it sticks to the wall with a sudden thwap. But you maintain your graceful cleanliness. Bastion, however, you are beginning to slip as your onesie gloves are already scrabbling on the surface. Do I look cool? No. Can I do something?

Oh my lord, no. Can I, so I'm standing next to... Yeah, and you can see he's seconds from falling down to an obelisk that is 30 feet below him and snapping,

jumping, trying to reach him. I'm going to take my skull necklace and throw it to Bastogne. Oh, okay. So he can use it to magic away. All right, okay. So he can use it to magic away. All right, great.

So you don't need to throw it, you can actually just grip, lean down if you want. I throw it. All right. Make a dexterity check for me. DC 12. The team! You sling it around like a lasso,

not trusting his hands, which are full. And I yell, you've got to give it back. And you throw it, and it opens midair and lands around his neck. And instantly, because it has already been attuned and learned, you realise you have the power to bam. And I go, top of the ladder. And that's what I say. I want to teleport. Can I do it?

Get out of the grate? Yeah, I don't want to be in the poop anymore Straight to a shower Can you bamf but leave the poop behind? Yeah, can I bamf out of the out of the out of the shitty overalls? You can but there's a chance you'll lose some clothing as well. Okay, let's do it. All right Make the me a constitution. That is a feature not a well. Okay, let's do it. Alright. Make the me a constitution. That is a feature, not a bug. Okay, constitution.

Yellow dice. Sixteen again. Four! Oh, boy. Alright. Now we get to roll. Why has he opened his laptop? Roll for me on the black skull transformation table. Oh, boy. Yutzy.

Twenty-three. What happens? You grow larger as if Oh boy, Yahtzee. 23. What happens? You grow larger as if affected by an enlarged reduced spell, except the effects last for one hour. So you double in all dimensions, ripping out of the onesie. Your weight is multiplied by eight and you become a large creature. So you have advantage on strength checks. Like a real man beast. Yeah, you hulk out.

Best on smash. And you don't do it gracefully. You become sort of strange and ungainly as you rip out of this thing, and your hideous large body sort of clicks out. Keeping in theme with the copyright issue, you are a real grusgranner. But is he still, like, passed on or is he like...

No, no, he's still passed on. Filch! Is he still holding on to the... Hand me a Sprite! Whoa! That was a really slimming jumpsuit. Very cool. But he's out of the pit now.

He is. He's bamfed and he's become bigger. And I'm real big now. Is he still covered in poop? No, in fact, he's enlarged so much that it's kind of become like a patina. It's mostly just, it actually looks more like a baby oil. It's an outline of little Bastogne. Like a bad tan?

Yeah, like body hair. It's not good. It's a bad scene. So he's up with us now. Yeah. Can the thing get to us? No, it's snapping uselessly, and Bastogne, you turn around, and you daintily shut the grate.

That was easy. Oh, wait. Did you give me that sprite? Becauseily shut the grate. That was easy. Oh, wait. Did you give me that sprite? Because I really want to slam it down fast. Oh, yeah. I wanted a solo. I slam it against the wall. Once again, let me just note that sprite exists in this fantasy world.

Sprites. How did you like your... It's made of crushed up fairies. Yeah. So, was it your necklace? Did I find your necklace? I haven't looked through yet. Let me just go have a look.

She really wants it. Anyone got some gloves? Am I wearing gloves? You're wearing, yeah. You don't want to get it dirty. Can I pour the Sprite all over in the poop just to like rinse it? You rinse it and the metal items sort of slide down onto the ground. How many metal items are we talking about?

Great question. So you see there are some coins. You can see that there are some teeth. There is a lot of Sprite cans for some reason. A few cracked sets of Friso's trademark glasses from all the times he died in the wetways. And there is your necklace. Oh, sick.

So I'm just going to grab that, guys. Pretty successful first date, if you ask me. He's hideous. Montaigne, can I ask? Because we've been making fun of Eden's charms on you, but has Bastogne's charms been working on Bass Bass at all? I think she's kind of like, oh, cute, kind of thing. But appreciates it.

Isn't fully like, ew, but isn't like, yeah, but it's just... But now that he's a giant man, has that made him more attractive or less attractive to her? Or is it just... Is it straight? It's just think I think it's a straight line okay there's I think her standard for attractive beauty is Jared way so however close to Jared way that is looks is how attractive it is. It's a straight line on a graph.

Yeah, yeah. So perhaps actually now in beast mode, perhaps that's a little further away. Yeah. Fair enough. So unfortunately. Okay. You're not beautiful, you can't fight Jared Way. What'd that necklace do?

What? So the necklace endows me with all of my ethereal singing powers. And also, so her thing is like... But you were so good before! I know, right? We heard that, eh? It's like, me without the necklace is like Neo before he realises his true power in the Matrix. And is this how Bass Space explains it to you again?

Yeah. So Neo and the Matrix and the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. A lot of stuff happened in the back of the limousine. I'm really on that sort of like steampunk, cyberpunk wave right now. Yeah, I'm riding it. And while we're working out what's canon in this world, Die Hard 1 and Die Hard 3,

but not Die Hard 2. So what happens? Die Hard 3 is just called Die Hard 2. So wait, so Die Hard 4, Die Harder is Die Hard 3 then? Yeah. Okay, which Jurassic Park films exist? So glad you asked. You make your way up into the bridge! Okay, cool.

Now deserted, congratulations, you have your necklace back, and Base Base is willing to travel with you. You, Friso, find your way to the Navigation Throne. You don't need the lance to merely pilot the ship down. It's a simple piece of piloting to... now that the security system, remember you turned off. Oh, the Deadland security around the tower. That's right. The Deadland security system around the tower is now being deactivated. I think Friso and Jeremy still need to hash out that argument. So everyone is in the bridge now?

And you're getting comfortable on the chair, but you haven't turned it on yet. Jeremy, in my laboratory are weapons of immeasurable power. If you let us go back home, you can have as many of them as you want to kill as many people as you want. Or just hold them ransom. Sell them. Take them apart.

Maybe you like Lego. I don't know. They can all be yours. But of course I would need to trade you for the... I swore an oath to my captain. That oath is sacrosanct. Which captain?

Hyperion Maxx. Oh, fuck's sake. I didn't know he was your captain. I knew he was our captain. We have been playing this for a year. Do you listen to anything? I listen to the bits that I say, obviously. Freezo Freezopherson.

He has empathy memento disease. I have object permanence. I don't have object permanence for feelings. Name the nine known worlds. Oh, who could do that? For a pin, can anyone in the audience do it? Alright, well. It's fucking fairyland.

Yep. Yep. Spaceship. That's not what. Close enough. Spaceship. Jeremy. As far as I'm concerned, Frisofferson, you are an asset to me.

And I am keeping you on a very short leash So what do you want then? I said what do you want right now? Do you want me to pilot? Where do you want me to pilot this shit? Is this what you want? Is this what you want? And he takes out his gun and he shoots it off the head again It says here It says here that lizard folk can make simple weapons from slain creatures That's true

So what's the pointiest part of Friso's body? I think we all know it's the very cool chongus I fashioned myself a dagger And you managed to do it before Friso snaps back into reality and continues talking I stab him with that dagger. Ah, the irony. My pre-barbed penis. That will be the untimely death of me.

All right. Does that make me stronger or weaker, Dave? I think it's probably just a... You come back with all your parts. There's now a second Chongus. Even more normal than the first. Jeremy, where do you want me to place it? Okay, well, you're in control then.

Weirdly, it's a very normal dagger. It's an unremarkable dagger. Like when you see something, like a piece of furniture, and it looks weird, and then someone moves it to another part of the room, and it makes sense to the whole room, and it makes sense to the piece of furniture. You look at the chongus in the hand as a dagger for the first time, and it makes sense to the whole room and it makes sense to the piece of furniture. You look at the Chongus in the hand as a dagger for the first time

and you're like, oh, I get it. Really ties the room together. I'm looking for leads. The leads are your forgotten memories. The best I can do right now is follow, for better or worse, your instincts. So down to the Badlands, we go.

So if we go to the Deadlands, we go to the tower. We reclaim our memories that are left there. And then I can give you leads and you let us go. Maybe. Make it so. All right. That's nonsense to no one in particular. We go.

On screen. Let don't. On screen. Let's go. Hello. Piloting down to the Deadlands? Yes. All right. Is this like an Uber situation? I don't know.

Are you driving? What I mean is, are you driving? You can drive. You've never done this before. You can use the autopilot or you could drive. I think, I reckon I can drive, Dave. Okay. What is the...

You want to just land? It's pretty... It'll be... For you, this will be a wisdom check with proficiency because you can navigate. Sure. And it will be just a DC-14. Right.

And that'll be... That's a perfect landing. Is that to navigate? That's to land? That's, yeah. DC-14. Navigation is easy because you know where it is. Okay.

But just say I wanted to crash the ship. Then you would have to fail the test. Wait, do you want to just... Sorry. So I'd have to... Do you want to fail the test or do you want to crash the ship? Well, no, I want to fail the test. So that would mean that I have to roll under 14. Are you looking for plausible

deniability from the dice? Yeah, Dave, I don't want people to be The question is, what are you trying to do? Friso is, Friso is trying to land the ship. Okay, then roll. Okay. Yeah, you don't need disadvantage. You would only need, like, disadvantage or something if

there was a reason it was harder. What's Michael trying to do? Passed on. No, Jeremy. Yes? Jeremy. I've never liked lizards at all. They're the worst.

Lizards, they're cold-blooded and their dicks are real weird and their pussies are even worse. I hate them. I hate lizards so much. I've killed a million of them. What are you going to do about it? I can read you like a book, Freezer. You're not going to worm your way out of this one. Land the fucking ship.

All right. 14, you make it. Congratulations. Damn it. Meow. So I guess all of those hurtful things you said 14, you make it, congratulations. Damn it! Meow! So I guess all of those hurtful things you said just linger in the air. You guys quickly dismount and make your way

up through the tower again and- As we go up the stairs, we spin behind Fraser, behind his ear and say, my pussy is beautiful. I'm so sorry. You make your way up. Chunk of sand, we're home. Oh, the portrait.

Oh, hi guys. I can't remember what I sound like. It's this now. You're wonderful at your art. Do you receive this? No, that's a little portrait joke. How you guys been? You good?

Oh, getting up to all sorts of bits and bobs. How about you? Oh, I've just been an enchanted painting. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, nice. But just before, I was an enchanted painting of a horse. Oh! Yeah.

I can do a horse. I can do a landscape. I can do a boat. What's your favourite? This one. Yeah, me too. No, it's boat. What's your favourite? This one. Yeah, me too. No, it's good. It's the classic.

Hey, where are memories? I'm sorry? Where are memories? You seen them in your wanderings around? Oh, I mean, that sort of stuff would probably be kept in Friso's top secret laboratory up the top there. Oh, let's head there. Yeah.

So, we don't have to go through any of the security measures before, do we? No, no, they're all shut down. So you're fine. I will say that as you walk up through the study area, you notice something that you hadn't noticed before because of your glasses, which is that the suit of armor that is standing by the staircase is also magical. The suit of armor? What kind of armor is it?

Heavy armor? Medium armor? It's heavy armor. It's a set of quicked-off armour, which means that you can, as a free action, take it on or take it off. It's that kind of Tony Stark walk-in suit. It's stripper pants armour.

Well, let's... Okay. Does it look like medieval armour? Yes. And what size of person is it for? You get the sense that it would fit anybody. I guess Phil just probably the best for it then. You want that heavy armor?

Oh, thank you. Cool. So it looks actually just like a, you wear it like just a gauntlet around your wrist. I guess you'll wear it on the other hand because you've also got your crystal bracelets on. And yeah, you can, as an action, turn it into a full set of plate armor.

Sorry, a free action. Jeremy says, did you make this free zone? I guess. Do I know if I made it? You know that you've stolen magical artefacts from all over the Nine-Known Worlds. You've stolen spell books. But you've also been building stuff in your workshop. I made this.

I did not steal it. You were working your lab late one night? When my eyes beheld a suit of armour. Yes. Let's do the time. This is going to be baffling for anyone listening to the podcast. When we asked Hing to name one song from Rocky Horror, he said the time walk.

It's just a step to the left and then a step to the right and then a step to the left and another step and then you're sort of doing it walking through anyway look it's and time is elapsing exactly which reminds me so phil has the armour on. She's like clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. Okay, you put your armour on. So that means... I'm walking up the stairs. Stealth penalties and stuff.

But your armour class also goes up. Okay, this is the only kind of armour in the game where you don't need to do that. So every time you have your armour, just so you know, your armour class goes up to 20. Hell yeah, invincible. Clank, clank, clank, clank. And you make your way up to the stairs,

and soon you find yourselves once again in Friso's workshop. And face, face. You've never been here before. Sick pad, y'all. So this is, yeah, obviously a wizard's workshop. There is a workbench. There are books scattered around everywhere open. It looks like someone's been sleeping here.

And obviously, Friso's been spending a lot of his time, I suppose. There is hentai everywhere. For sure. Friso, this is a new thing we discovered about your character. We knew it all along, I think, though. I think deep down we all knew that was one of Friso's kinks. I think deep down we all knew that was one of Friso's kinks. But above it all, the first thing that your eyes are drawn to is this portal.

If Friso had Twitter, he would have tweeted today, Vale, Stan Lee, you taught me it was okay to jacket to big titty anime bags. Sorry, that's too fucked up, sorry. Is that who Stan Stanley was? What? I don't know. So, Hing's now doing his own Friso fanfic. Montang, so BassBass, you've come with us. What do you want out of this?

What does BassBass want? Like, TBH, I just wanted the necklace back and I got it. So I'm just tagging along for the good times now. Yeah, just for the good times. BassBass, like you, has no way home. She's been brought here by a planeswalker against her will. So she also needs some way to get back to the Bluffs of Chance. All right.

Well, I'm... Freezer's going to take the lance and he's going to put it in... To his bum? Think about it. I think I'm going to put it in... To his bum? Think about it. I think I'm going to put it into the... Bum of you. The bit that fits the lance. Which is not my bum.

Okay. And you put it into the socket. The dish. Into the socket. Into the dish. Alright, so you place it into the socket and suddenly it jerks. Sorry, is that... No, it's not a bum, Ben.

Okay. It jerks and rotates a quarter turn and shines white hot, and your hand has to leave it, and it cracks. A crack appears on the surface of it, but it doesn't completely shatter. Suddenly, the hazy, murky image swirling in the portal that you've sort of seen all this time swims into reality, and you see for the first time steps leading out to a strange new world, but it is not the world of Faerun.

It is a world instead of blinding white architecture, stunning aladrin buildings, proud and eternal, a city that seems motionless, the pavers empty and inviting. An ancient understanding stirs within the high elf part of your brain, Friso, as you realize that you are looking for the first time upon the city of Dweomaha, the one-time origin city of your people and the celestial seat of the Lady of Mysteries herself, your patron, the god, well, sorry, actually your god, the object of your faith, the goddess Mystra. Oh, shit.

More knowledge springs unbidden to your mind. Though much of your memories remain locked, you have faint recollections. You built this portal, you remember, to carry you to this land. The lance was needed to break through to the worlds of the gods beyond the reach of mortals. Weeks ago, you suddenly, in a flash of insight, remember that you performed a powerful forbidden ritual that you mastered in your time in the House Eternal, and through that ritual, you ripped the goddess Mystra from her celestial seat

and imprisoned her somewhere amongst the nine known worlds, leaving her realm... Oh, shit, yeah! ...right before the taking. You know in an instant that all you have to do is walk those stairs, cross through that golden gate, ascend that stairway to the throne of Mystra, and you will take your place among the pantheon.

I stand in front of the portal. Wait, no, you don't know any of this. I instinctively just stand in front of it. Jeremy stands next to Filch with the sphere in his hand. My hands are on my hips. In a really stern way. I, Baston, like, kind of crosses his arms and, like, completes the Charlie's Angels tableau.

Yeah. Is that what he thinks they're doing? Yeah, like, oh, we're all... Okay, I get it. And here. I am tableau. Yeah. Is that what he thinks they're doing? Yeah, like, oh, we're all... Okay, I get it. And here. I am the god. And then I also just cross my arms because everyone else is doing it.

The four of them are the only things in your way, Friso. Dave! I am not making you do anything. Dave! Friso, what is this place you already made me kill Bobby I did not make you kill Bobby

also is that how you remember what happened Dave I don't want to I have the spear this is the life does I have the spear. This is the library... Does he have the spear? No, no, no. Freezer begins to talk to Jeremy. This is the library of all knowledge,

which has answers to every single question you could ever ask. This is true. This Dwemer Hut is the first library. It is the first house of worship. It is the first place of magic. It is the first hospital. It is the seat of all knowledge, divine and mundane. If anyone amongst you now has a question they wanted answered, then those answers will be beyond this portal. Jeremy, you could find out where your captain is.

And his name is? Halifax Jones! Bastogne, you could find out if you really are a ten. Or if that's just a thing you say, because deep down you know maybe you're just a six and a half. Freezo, some of us doubt, others know. Do you? Do me, do me!

Filch. Do me. Uh, ooh. Eh? You What does Filch want? Yeah I think it's that I think it's Well, okay.

That is... Clearly, yes, people in the audience are yelling at Katie. Clearly, Katie is the emotional centre of Filch. But I feel like Filch is kind of just horny. What about her dead brother, dude? She's not horny for a dead brother. Come on. dude.

She's not horny for a dead brother. Come on. All these years of playing together and this is your summation of my character. Because remember how excited Filch was when she got to fuck that pirate? Yeah, but anyone would be. Alright, I'll roll you

for it. Above ten, it's Katie. Below ten, it's fucking that pirate. Wait, oh, you roll. You roll. That's very generous of you, Hank. You got a five. You're fucking the pirate. Hey, can I...

Listen. There are other questions, dragon friends, that you may want answered. We've seen Bobby come back in spectral form. Is that it? Could there be more? Perhaps that might be something you'd like to know. No, listen, I don't have a vested interest either way. We really like you, Jeremy. You're a really nice guy. Don't feel like you're living in Bobby's shadow or anything like that. Well, special dragon huddle of people who aren't Friso.

Am I included? Yeah, why not? Yay. All right, Friso, you're left to your own devices for a moment. Wait, wait, wait. We're still walking. We're huddling in front of the portal. So maybe we should we tie up Friso and go to the library? Yeah, maybe we can squeeze Bobby out of this vial I've got around my neck.

Gross. What should we do? Basebase? Well, do we... Basebase is an elf. Yes. Do you know about... Basebase is Well, do we... Basebase is an elf. Yes. Do you know about... Basebase is a half-elf.

Do you have... Do you know about this place? Yeah, you would know about Dwey Armahart, the home of the Eladrin, which the elves came from. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I don't know. Well, does Friezo... Has he already declared an interest in fully going up there and being the throne guy?

Is that... Friso's been pretty pro-becoming a god. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But none of you know about the throne. And none of you also know that the throne is empty. Wait, so this is not an ordinary library. This is where gods live. This is the home of the goddess of magic.

So we know that. Yeah. Oh. Now remember, Filgy is very dumb. But she has a lot of wisdom. I really want to say let's stop him.

But now, you know, once a portal is open, you know, it's like one door opens. Are we just going to close it? It's like a can of damn Pringles. But really, though, like worst case scenario. So what if we all just continue to huddle here and prevent him from going through?

Well, I will now actually, while you huddle, which has gone on for some time, I will now say to you, now you are in their peripheral vision, standing in the room, but you have a moment to yourself. Friso's just going to start biting his nails, like this. Yep. And while he's doing that, he's going to say quickly, just into his arm, Lodgins, activate and fly the ship into the tower.

Excuse me, could you please repeat that? Excuse me, could you please repeat that? Lodgins, as your navigator, I'm commanding you to 9-11 this tower. What? No! In season three, Dave the DM had a chance to make this a world where 9-11 never happened. And he chose. He chose to make this a canonical world where many innocent people died in a horrific terror attack. So don't boo me. Should we record a different version for our American audience

I think they get that reference zing Zing! Zing! I am gonna need you to confirm that order. You heard me, Lodgins. 9-11, the Deadlands Tower. All right. The Heart of Glass dreamed into reality as the final offering of a mad god. Also one of only ten vessels capable of jumping from world to world.

One of the only vessels that would have had any hope to bring you home. Crashes into the side of the Deadlands. And in its dying swan song, moment of splendor explodes. And during that, three things happen. Firstly, the central core overwhelms and Lodgins, you die, only I suppose to return a moment later. Bound in eternal servitude.

Congratulations, Ting, you have a new familiar. Oh, Lodgins. We're going to get along just fine. Secondly, all of you have a moment where you're all destabilised and Friso, because you know what was happening, you have a surprise action and you can do whatever you want. But I will also say that the third thing that happens is that inexplicably, as a tear appears on the side of the tower,

as it rocks to its side, and as a big part of the heart of glass smashes against the tower, a figure rolls out in a tight rubber suit, clutching a sodden mop, which is the figure of Bobson Dugnut, inexplicably thrown clear. I say inexplicably because thousands of tinker gnomes are now dead the only safe place is through the portal follow me and you can run because they can't yeah i'm running through the portal all right friso makes his way through the portal i gotta chase him yeah i follow i'm assuming in slow motion like stuff is like

crumbling towards us so yeah the only way forward. All of you are diving through the portal? Yeah. Bob's in his too, I guess. Yeah, is it? You didn't need to spare him, but he's there. I'm just happy to be there. Great, you tumble forward onto the pavers and soon you find yourself free.

So you're a moment ahead of them. They're racing towards you, but almost as if in slow motion. For you are standing at the gates and you know once you open those gates, power beyond imagination will be yours. Dragon friends, let's go. Yep, they can't stop you. gates and you know once you open those gates power beyond imagination will be yours uh dragon friends let's go yep they can't stop you yeah let's go through that okay let's go through those gates and the okay the moment you touch the gates you realize that something is wrong

the bars are white hot and you shout in pain and surprise as a golden bar snakes out and encircles your wrist. The bar becomes a shining manacle binding you to the floor and as you look on in horror, the world of Dweyama Heart begins to fall away. The gates, the city, even the horizon itself folds in and collapses. A reality field discarded once it is no longer needed. Shining vistas are replaced with humble wooden walls.

The city itself becomes the smoky common room of an all too familiar bar. Incredibly, it seems that you are somehow chained to the center of the dragon back in, though its proprietor and your friend is nowhere to be found. Instead, there is another figure lounging by the fireplace with his back to you. A figure that is known throughout the nine known worlds for his daring adventures and incredible schemes. Doubtless the architect of your capture, captain of the Flying Dutchman, and planeswalker of the Council of Nine,

Jeremy Scaleson, this is a face known all too well to you and one you have sorely missed. Your heart leaps as you recognize his crooked smile, his mottled skin, his massive ears, and his tiny goblinoid frame covered in his signature eye patches, so famed throughout the nine known worlds. No one else could be so bold but the hero of the fault line, the keeper of the bluffs of chance, the planeswalker goblin, Hyperion Max! Do play Hyperion Max!

Welcome to the stage, Demi Lardner! Uh... Oh, Captain, my captain. Hello. Hello. It's me, Halifax Joe I guess the sort of question on everyone's mind is If an eye patch is put somewhere that is not an eye Is it still an eye patch?

They're all covering eyes Alright then eye. Is it still an eye patch? They're all covering eyes. Alright then. Hyperion, as you were. Any other questions? Wait, Austin Powerful? It's me, Austin Powerful Max. We never asked your last name.

Dave, what's... This is Hyperion Max. All throughout, all through the Nine Known Worlds, there is a figure who is almost synonymous with adventure, who is the captain of the Flying Dutchman, who is a famous planes-hopping goblin called Hyperion Max, who you met on the Exiled World of the Titans way back at the beginning of this season. But, of course, you'd all lost your memories,

so you didn't know what your friend looked like. Wait, but Hyperion Max knew who we were. Yes, of course. But then Hyperion Max met us and told us their name was Austin Powerful. Clearly, something was afoot. A clever ruse. Demi, can I ask, is your character also Dave Hughes? I hate having a wife.

Is that the kind of comedy he does? I don't know. Base Base Wahooverberry, if there is a king of the Bluffs of Chance, and of course there is not, for it is fundamentally an anarchic, lawless place, but still all the bards sing of the adventures of Hyperion and Max. This is the closest thing to meeting your hero. Wow. Hey. Hey, I, like, fully sing about you all the time.

That's sick. Dope. Never meet your heroes. Yes. So, wait, Friso's now, like, locked... That's correct. ..to the Grim Saltback's inn, but Grim Saltback isn't there anymore.

Well, now that you're there, and as I said, you're manacled to the floor of it, you notice something is also strange with this reality. The inn is sort of glitching in and out, like it's trying to hold its form every now and then. It glitches, and you think you see plain grey walls, and then it sort of snapsing in and out. Like it's trying to hold its form every now and then. It glitches and you think you see plain grey walls and then it sort of snaps back into reality. Plain grey walls?

What? Halifax Jones? What is this place? I have a question for you guys. What the fuck took you so long? My captain, I apologise. I think these people are really and truly

stupid beyond all measure. It does seem that way, doesn't it? I mean, it beggars belief. Max, you obviously built this place. Yes. And Max goes on to explain. Do you want me to explain or do you want to?

Great. Hey. Nah, you explain. Nah, you give it a go. You were a real pro. Do you remember my nice hat? I built a good holding place for boys.

Which is... I've exploded my hat. I got into the good holding place and exploded my hat. I think I've explained it pretty clearly. Jeremy nods. Mmm. Yep.

Max explains. I knew that we needed. Mmm, yep. Max explains. I knew that we needed to stop Friso. I created this prison to keep... I knew that we couldn't stop him, so I thought if we could imprison him, that would be the... Yeah, fuckhead. You little bitch.

You know what the irony of all of this is? You double cuck. Is that Friso should have done a fucking arcana check on the gates. It seems as though this is the payoff to a long ruse, a ruse that has been built by Hyperion Max, where Max has created a prison to hold the immortal Friezo. Do you like what I've done with the place, though? My chemical romance posters.

That's my hero. My live, laugh, love pillow. I've made this little butler. He looks like a penguin and I fucking hate him there's a little I don't know why I made him but I can't kill him

his name's Dreville there's a little fritzing robotic penguin butler who is a penguin but is also in a tuxedo and also a robot

hello Dreville fuck he's awful hello yeah me see what you mean And also a robot. Hello, Dremel. Fuck, he's awful. Hello. Yeah, me see what you mean. Logins, kill Dremel. You're in, your braces are dead. I think he's talking to his... I'm talking to the accursed spectre.

Oh, fuck, yeah. What can an AI, what can the ghost of an AI do? I can tell you what the ghost of an AI can do. The ghost of an AI... Well you look that up Heng, I'll just... Well has a plus, plus my charisma, well anyway, has a plus seven attack roll for anything I tell it to kill. Okay, you're telling him to attack Drupal? Sure why not, Let's do this.

No, don't. Well, we just rolled a three, so... What's Dremel's armour class? Yeah. Yeah, he's got... One. Great, Dremel's dead. He's made out of one!

You killed Dremel. That's fair. It seems that Max has built this place, but Max could not have built this... There was no point building a honeypot vault without the honey. And it's... That's an expression. No, I didn't say a fucking thing! Good! I'm doing my best.

You did a wonderful job. It'm doing my best. Wonderful job. It's all coming together. Keep going. But Max suddenly notices that one of you is missing. One of... One of... Oh, yeah, no, I got it, yeah. Where's... Yeah, thanks, yeah, I know.

Contrary to popular belief. What? Hold on. Hey, hold, I know. Contrary to popular belief. What? Hold on. Hey, hold on a second. Oh, I'm spinning slowly away. Thank you. Well, Bobby. Oh, he's in this little necklace.

Oh, all right in this little necklace. Oh, all right. Bobby. Can I summon him, Dave? Yeah, so you get the necklace, you pull it out, you look at it. It's full of smoke, and you see it with your glasses for the first time, and you realize that the vault is a pocket dimension, and a fragment of Bobby's soul, a tiny, tiny fragment of it, a fragment of Bobby's soul, a tiny, tiny fragment of it,

wanders this vial that for him would be a land without end, full of the most nasty and horrible nightmares that Carcosa can summon, and that soul is doomed to walk that land for what will seem like an eternity for it, unable to escape. This is not enough to use a classic magic resurrect spell. This is all that Casilda allowed him to keep so that she could ensorcel him to her will. Great word. Thank you.

Can we get a spell? And I will say it smells of fresh pancakes and Lincoln berries. How do you spell ensorceled? Ensorceled. E-N-S-O-R-C-E-L-L-E-D. Sick. Yeah, he gets a little. Please tweet your corrections to Dave Harmon on Twitter.

Hang on, somewhere in an ultimate dimension, I smell a fucking nerd. Demi? Yeah? You're wearing a body sock, doing comedy at a live Dungeons & Dragons podcast. I cut up some Woolworths bags for my ears. As soon as I saw those ears, I thought,

the great thing about these ears is they're reusable. When you see this at fucking PAX next year, you have all let us down. Now, Hyperion Max, that is his name, the moment he realises that Bobby is dead and he looks and notices how many of you are here, he suddenly, for the first time, and he looks and notices how many of you are here,

he suddenly, for the first time, something like wild panic replaces his cocky, smug expression. I'm feeling wild panic. There's an unhinged element to it. Oh, bugger. Oh, no. What's your plan now? You've captured Friso.

Friso, do you know how to help us bring Bobby back? I'm a professional. No. Okay. Maybe there's something in my ancient tone that can help. He does not know. But he looks... Jimmy, are you handing out... I can't see from here.

Are those mints or condoms? They're condoms. It's a hollowed out book full of... Be safe, guys. So you just... You brought onto stage and therefore into this magical world a hollowed out spell book full of condoms.

It's true. So you get the sense that it's very possible that Max may have lost his mind in his time in the vault when he said, like, where have you guys been? There is a sense that perhaps the plan he laid down with Bobby has taken longer than they both thought. And at that point you notice that beyond Drebbel there is in fact an army of

minorly adjusted penguin butlers that suggest almost a lifetime of work. Yeah, and they're all yelling, quack! In that voice. All at the same time like a deafening thunderclap. Wait, are we being

attacked by a penguin version of the ice hockey team, the Muddy Ducks? If you want, Hing, if you want. Okay, so Frieza's locked in. Wait, just Frieza realised that... And Hyperion Max Ascent looks at you and goes and snaps her fingers and she says, he says... Snaps their fingers. Thank you, Dave. Dave, you're cancelled. her fingers and she says he says snaps their fingers

Dave you're cancelled snaps their fingers and says the Lance give me the Lance yeah the Lance and then what give me you you have the Lance you pulled it out when you come on the other side what it what what do you what what what like I want I want it give me no give to me it is he all bound up and shit yeah he's got one hand still chained to the ground and Oh, and the other hand is just free. He's got one hand and the other one he's holding the lens. The other hand is giving a high five.

Can I just, like, grab it off him? Oh, yeah, great. Make for me a dexterity check opposed by your dexterity. Ooh. Okay, what did you get? Six. Okay, well, part of my Hexplate thing is that I can replace dexterity with charisma, which is plus seven. So you win that automatically.

Eleven plus seven, yeah. Nobody likes a smart ass. Alright, fine, you dodge out of the way awkwardly. And your pants fall down. No, try again. Try again. Hyperion, Max, do you have a way to... If I give you this lance,

do you have a way to get us back to Faerun? I have a way to get back to Faerun. Do I sense if they are lying or not? No, you get the sense that... They are telling the absolute truth. Make an insight check for me. Just DC 12. Two.

You have no idea. Maybe. Max, what are you going to do with the lance? I am going to create, and I'm choosing my words very carefully, a way back to Faerun. That is the truth, right? Sure.

You're going to create a way out of this vault. I'm going to create a way out of this vault. That is my only objective, and that is what I will do. Frieza, fuck you. You're staying here. You're a real ding-dong. First of all, and second of all, you're... Fuck off.

So, wait, Friso's choices are... You don't really have a choice. No, no, you do, you do. You've got the lance, you could give it to them, you could try to break out of the chain, or you could negotiate, because obviously... Can I tickle him? Yeah, you...

I'd like to tickle him. Yeah, you know what? I would love to just tickle this guy. I would love to tickle Friso with my fingers and his body. Those are the parts of us that I would like to use to tickle Friso. I would like to take my fingers and I would like to place them upon the skin of Fresso and I would like to make them upon the skin of Fresso.

And I would like to make him laugh and feel tickled. Friso, it sounds like you're about to get a tickling. Do you want me to hold that lance? No. And is Hyperion just like creeping towards you saying this thing? You might drop it. When you're locked in place by a magic manacle, I did say you could do whatever you wanted, but one thing that you probably can't do at this moment is not be tickled by a magic manacle. I did say you could do whatever you wanted, but one thing that you probably can't do at this moment is not be tickled by a mad goblin.

Hee hee hee! Here I come! I guess I'm wondering what everyone else is wondering. If the real Michael Hing gets tickled, what happens? You have until Demi gets to walk in that mad way. So, mate, tell me what you do before you get tickled. I don't think Friso's ticklish.

Well, let's find out. Let's find out. Give it a go. If you can make me laugh... That's a laugh Yeah it's a laugh right Friso what are you going to You know what Make a constitution

Say it before me DC 16 What is this show? Bale, you drop the lance onto the ground. And, deftly, you grab it and you pick it up. Yep. I got it. Well, I don't get a tickle back. No, you don't get a tickle back.

It's a two-way street, but whatever. It's fine. It's a bit selfish, but okay. Now I have the lance. You do. Yep. And Max says, uh, real sorry guys, it was really only meant to be him. Real sorry guys.

It was really only meant to be him here. You were drawing this where you talk and then Debbie tries to predict what you're saying? It's like that episode of Doctor Who where they're on the thing. I guess if you want to... Hyperion Max is real sorry it was supposed to be only you guys. Fact of the matter is, every time the doors open and let someone in, one person can get out. And well, this bird's got to fly.

one person can get out and well this bird's got to fly and with that Hyperion Max takes the cracked helmet that was next to her and plugs the lance into the socket of it and places it on their head. Wait hang on it's a USB-C let me get my adapter. Swear to God you know just inbuilt degradation in these fucking things. Hold on. All right, got it. Plug. It's what I say when I plug things in. And with that, the world seems to spin in white light that emanates from the chair that she's sitting on,

that they're sitting on. Hey. And it envelops the room, and suddenly in a flash, Hyperion Max is gone. Bye, I love you. With it the entire illusion fades and you find yourself in a small grey box with a filthy mattress in the corner and a single wooden chair. And a dormant portal.

Without the lance it seems there is no way home. And one tiny wardrobe with tiny coat hangers covered in eye patches. Uh, Captain? Uh, Captain Hyperion Max? I forgot you!

Uh, Captain? Come in, Captain! Captain? Deverman No Hyperion Max is gone Oh shit balls And now you are They just forgot me They'll be back in a second

Just to pick me up You are all now trapped inside And there's sort of a Looney Tunes circle That comes down around my head And says Ain't I a stinker? That was your captain?

The one you love so much? We should have killed Hyper Beyond Max. We got blamed for it. Turns out they were a dick. Butthole. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm upset. Hey, guys they were a dick. Butthole. Yeah. Oh man, I'm upset. Hey guys, one second.

Y'all, sorry, I have a solution. Maybe, who knows. The last time it worked. Remember that time when we were all together the last time? Oh boy. I love that in memories. Oh, sweet, sweet chocolate memories.

And then I use this whole hickety-do around my neck to help us out. I reckon we could do the same thing this time around. What do you say? See, that's a good friend. Do you trust me? And Basebase pulls the leather cord with a small crystal necklace that you had saved from the wet ways and that if you remember

when you guys were trapped in the abyss, you hit the bars with it and the bars disappeared. Oh, yeah, right. Okay, bye, Friso. Oh. Where are we all staying? Are we all going?

Do we need quorum? Is Friso still trapped by the hand? Yeah, Friso at the moment is being left here. Friso's trapped with a magic manacle in the centre of the room. Do you guys care about this guy? Because it seems like he's just been pretty shitty so far.

Yeah, I mean, he has been a bit of a pain in the butt. But he's our pain in the butt. And maybe if we take him with us, we can find a way to strip him of his immortality. Or get him to some therapy or something. At the very least, man. Where will this take us if you can get us out of here? You have the knock spell, by the way, so you could open these manacles.

Jeremy. Right. Where will it take us? You don't know. You only have the crystal. There's the portal with the socket on it. And other than that, it's just blank walls, mattress, chair, filthy eye patches. Yeah, it's just a lucky dip, really. Not filthy.

They're like regular eye patch state. Like, I don't know. There's no laundromat down there. I don't know. It's hard. Do you rotate the eye patches or do they have certain body parts? That is actually very private. I don't know.

Unwoke? Who can say? I guess the internet later. Friso, if we take you with us, will you promise to renounce your god status? I don't think Friso would. Let me put it this way. Well, all your immortality will not help you here. Kill yourself as many times as you want.

You will just come back to this prison. Friso, you like... negotiating. I've been betrayed. And not by me, for once! For once. I see you as an asset. And I still do.

If I free you as an asset, and I still do. If I free you, you must make an unbreakable oath that you will help me track down Hyperion Max so that I may get my revenge. I want Hyperion Max. Ooh. may get my revenge. I want Hyperion Max. Ooh. I don't think Friso would take the deal. So you're going to stay? I don't think Friso would live in servitude to Jeremy because he hates him.

Okay, so you've made your decision. You sit down on the chair. Yeah. Is there no other out? Oh, yeah, no, wait, there's a big old door that you can just... I mean, while Friso has a moment to think on the chair, the rest of you gather around and look at the crystal. It seems completely mundane, but you, yeah, for the four of you, it's clearly a magical, but you can't tell what it does.

My life used to be so simple. Just killing werewolves, etc. Now here I am in a blank room full of eye patches. Who'd have thought that I'd miss that stinky old town? Cool, well... LAUGHTER Do you want to take it to the door? Yeah, I'm just going to shove this into the old door I do.

Into the socket? Yeah, into'm just going to shove this into the old Doridoo. Into the socket? Yeah, into the socket. Okay, it doesn't seem to fit, but you press up the crystal of your necklace into the dish. And like before, it seems to try to grab it, and it doesn't fit quite right. It glows white. It starts to spin, but unlike before,

where it just smoothly turned a quarter circle, it starts to spin erratically, and your hand is forced away. A crack appears in the necklace and the portal starts to swim into focus and you think you can see the land of the deadlands as the crystal turns and spins and a whining white hot noise emanates from it and then it shatters into a thousand pieces and disappears and the portal snaps back out of focus and dies it is now a fight essentially an empty fireplace completely closed and you are all locked in this vault with no exit oh shit my dad must have got a bit must have got a bit of poo in it or something but something else starts to happen.

The moment that the necklace is destroyed, a white light begins to glow, almost imperceptibly first, in your skin, your hair, base space, Wahoo, Viberi, I'm talking to you. And you suddenly, this light glows stronger and stronger and encompasses you until the glow itself picks you up and off the floor

and you begin to float in the center of the room as you also begin to transform. In truth, your features change only slightly, but the effect is still startling as your bardic armor melts into white robes. The four of you see a figure that you have seen in effigies, reliquies, even statues. a figure that you have seen in effigies, reliquies, even statues. A figure that some of you know more and none would know as well as Friso, for it is the form commonly used in the land of Faerun to represent that power, the mother of mysteries herself, the mystic of magic, keeper of the great weave, the goddess Mister, who manifests herself before you.

Oh, you tried to smooch that! Wow. Wow. So, Basebase Waverberry is gone, and in her place is the goddess Mystra. Yo, bitches! Is that really? Is that how you're going to do the goddess? I guess, yeah.

Okay, cool. We all know who she is. I'm proud of you, Montaigne. Yes, you all recognise her and it is a struggle not to fall immediately to your knees. Jeremy does so. Great. I'm more like, Baston more like lounges. Is Baston going to try and neg a god?

Worth a shot. I think Friso would cower. Behind the chair? Yeah, I guess. And I guess, all right. Because she would know that he tried to take her place. And she looks at you, but it seems not with anger, even though you know that it was a ritual that you used to bind her to a humanoid form.

She looks at you, if anything, with pity. Oh, that's got to sting. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Is that what you're doing? I think Frieza would melt in this moment. I think he would. I'm so sorry. Phil just like, oh, great goddess, Mystra,

please will you help us out of this room and help us with our friend? Please help us. Now, I don't know if Mystra recalls this, but Vilja did give her a Sprite earlier. So... I don't know what the... Truly the drink of the gods.

You're indebted to me. No, so, but just to be clear, so you understand, Montaigne, your memories, you realise suddenly were all fake. They were an effect of the ritual, and you return to your normal, omniscient self. You know what Friso has done, you know who these people are, you understand

the predicament that they are in, and you understand what Friso has tried to do. So Friso trapped her in a different body? Yes. Wow. And that of an itinerant penniless bard. Wow.

Yeah. That's pretty impressive, Friso. Credit where credit's due, Friso. Yeah. Hey, guys. So it's me, Mistra. What's up? Love it. Look, I see that we are all in a predicament here um mostly a predicament created by our kind friend friso here right now um look friso i would love

to put you on a mental health care plan. As soon as possible, we need to get that done. But that requires us all getting out of here as soon as possible. And I'd like to help you guys out. So what say we all bounce? Feelings, guys? Yes, please. Yes, I feel you.

Amen. Great. Do you all hold on to your dress or something? How does this work? Well, Mr. explains that she can help you find your way home. And she is willing to do that for she sees in all of you either worthiness or such patheticness that you need help. But she also sees in you, Friso, a threat. And so, as a goddess who, unwilling to intercede in the affairs of mortals without their own control,

she offers you a choice. Friso, you can no longer wander the nine known worlds and immortal, and she will take that power from you. But there is more inside you than just a simple immortality curse. There is a darkness that mistress sees in you a taint not just of the a taint not just of the body but of the mind and of the heart itself you like that taint dave the taint of the mind is like from there to like there. Sort of runs down the back of the neck. One that she is willing to help you with.

But she offers your friends a choice. Mistress says to you, if you give me your friend, Friso, I will take him to Dwio Mahart, where I, as the first doctor in the first hospitals, we will work on your friend and try to find a way to cure the broken twistedness within him. It may take centuries and I cannot guarantee you will ever see your friends again, but you will know that the multiverse is safe from the terrible potential that he contains.

I understand that to lose a dear friend is heartbreaking and so I offer you as a balm of solace a way to soften that blow and she asks for the phylactery from you Eden. I take it off and go here you go. Oh just kidding just kidding it's for you. She looks at it and she says, no, there is no spellcaster, arcane or divine, walking in any known world that could bring your friend back. Only a miracle could do this, but I am one capable of miracles.

Give me your friend, Friso. Allow me to protect the multiverse from him. Let me take him back to Dweoma Heart. Say your goodbyes and I will give you your friend back. But the weeb's way must be woven by mortals, and if you will not do this, if you cannot bear to part with your friend, I will give you the phylactery back again, but you will never see Bobby again, for the magic is beyond any mortal you will find in Faerun. And if you take Friso, how long are you going to fiddle with him for?

Until he's all better. So Bobby or Friso? Bobby now, Friso maybe never. Or Bobby never, Friso now. You can leave this vault with one of your friends, the other it would take forces beyond your reckoning to see them again. It feels like this is a hard choice, but I don't know if it is. Can Friso play this case?

Yeah. Go on. Just real quick. Have you come back in your speedy little thing again? Yeah. Go on. Just real quick. Have you come back in your speedy little thing again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drevel's also dead. So if you wanted to, I don't know. That's just sort of a third option for you to kind of consider.

Bobby, Friso or Drevel the bad robot penguin we all hate. But you need to make a decision now. Freezer. Don't say because this episode of the podcast has gone on for 67 minutes. Also, Dremel only, like, he doesn't really help with anything and he just shits batteries. Working batteries? Like, full of electricity?

No, like, opposite working batteries. If you put them in anything, it explodes. Okay, scratch that. Mr. is waiting for your response. Do you want your friend Friso or do you want your friend Bobby? You know what? I think Friso wouldn't plead his case. I think he's too proud.

I think he would say, in your hearts, you know what you have to do. And he would leave it up to... Well, who gets to vote? Jeremy says, Phil Bastogne, these are your friends. Whatever choice you make, I leave it to you.

And there's a subtext there, really, isn't there? I mean, we really going to be judgmental about the type of friends we keep, Jeremy? No. Which is why I say this. Bobson's like, I have been here the whole time. I've got nothing to add but that, but I sort of just wanted to make that... You know what? It's fine. I'm just going to look at these nice eye patches.

And he goes back to looking at the eye patches. While he sweeps away a pile of batteries. So if Skaleson is giving the choice, if Friso won't take a vote, then it comes down to Bastogne and Filge who must make the decision. Bobby or Friso? I turn to Friso and I say, Friso, me hope that you will remember your friends and come back to us.

And I give him my maul. Oh, okay. Okay, but maybe give me the locket that lets me bamf, but that's cool. And Mr. looks at you and says, is this your final decision? I say yes, and I give him the maul and I blink at him.

Wait, you blink or you wink? She can't wink. Gaston, do you have any last things to say to Friso? I walk over to Friso and I take off my cape of billowing and I put it around his shoulders. I say, It looks good on you.

And then he gives Friso a hug and he breathes him in real deep to remember his smell. And then he slides his hand down. And just gives him a little tushy squeeze. Mistra takes the phylloxera, she breathes in it and it seems to crack. The smoke escapes and it spins into a mini vortex and up out of it springs the figure of Bobby Pancakes, level 6 rogue. Return to us. Congratulations. Here's your character sheet.

Checked out. But there is no more time for hellos or goodbyes for Mistress Smile. Fills the room with its calming celestial radiance and it seems to lift the three of you up and with Jeremy I suppose spins back to the flying Dutchman oh four maybe I don't know and Bob's and Doug Natalie's lost to time and space or you find yourselves transported to a far distant outer plane, strange to all of the nine known worlds, but to you, very familiar, far from the cradle,

far from Primus, as grateful as you are to be home. However, victory is bittersweet, for the nine known worlds have exacted a bitter price for your time among the stars. Friso is gone forever, and like the lance itself, his absence creates a deep wound in the fabric of the dragon. Friends that will not soon be healed,

for how can three such as thee survive alone on a road they have trod as four for so long? What is home when your closest friends are now beyond the stars? Can time heal? Such a fracture smashed beyond repair like a broken heart of glass.

For the answer to questions such as these, tune in to season five of Dragon Friends. Thank you. Hey, we did it! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner and a DM by me, Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins.

Our guests this week were Montaigne and Demi Lardner. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast was mixed and mastered by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre with music by Dan and Liam Scarrett. We will be back with our Christmas adventure and then a whole new season next year. See you next time!