Dragon Friends - #5.01. He’s a Real Loose Unit

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

When a plan goes bad you go back to the beginning. The Dragon Friends are going back to where it all began, Daggerford on the sword coast in a brand new adventure for 2019! This episode features live accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Dragon Friends Season 5. Happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No daring do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it through, that isn't the Dragon way. Mortal minds are not made for moments such as these. The Dragon Friends have travelled from their hometown of Dagotha to distant mountaintops, cybertronic cities, and distant alien shores. I said distant twice.

Interesting. I had three months to write this. Moving on. Oh, this is sad. You've started policing yourself. Along the way, new friends have been made and old ones lost in Waterdeep. Dilj stumbled.

At the House Eternal, Bobby died. At Dweomahart, celestial seat Seat of the Goddess of Magic herself, a terrible price was paid, one you still grapple with. Filj, the Half-Orc Barbarian. Baston, the Fighter Bavarian. Filj, the Half-Orc Barbarian. Baston, the Fighter Barovian-born. Bobby Pancakes, Moon-touched and born again,

a reformed sinner and an imperfect saint. The three of you are all that are left of that motley crew they once called the Dragon Friends. After Friso was left behind, the price exacted for Bobby's resurrection and a one-way ticket home. Worth it! As you hurtle through starlight, your minds begin to buckle at the impossible beauty of wild space.

A tiny dot of light beckons, one that even as you black out, you instinctively know to be Faerun, the Forgotten Realm's home. Light swims at the edge of your vision. The sound of a splashing river fills your ears Stumbling and groaning, the three of you stagger to your feet You are standing in a muddy field

It's good to be back, it is good to be home at last I fall to my knees and I kiss the mud I go, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah You get mud all over your face. Okay. Then I give it a big hug. The whole ground. How does that work?

I just kind of fall flat on my face with my arms stretched out. That's nice. I just give him the earth. It's been a while. It has been. It's been about two years since last you came to the Forgotten Realms.

Just to clarify, am I only now back from the dead or have I been reincarnated coming hurtling through space? I would say about a minute has passed since you came back, because the moment you were resurrected, essentially,

you struck the deal, and Mystra sent all of you home. So yeah, you've just come back to life after being, for a few months at least, dead after you stabbed yourself in the heart. So I suppose really that you've had some stuff to grapple with. Yeah.

Can I say that the deal that Mistress struck, I've had three months to think about this, when she was like, I will imprison Friso forever, she really didn't end at that point. Like I think she kind of highballed herself a bit by offering the Bobby thing. It would have just been like, deal! And a Mars bar. So, we're on a riverbank. That's right, a riverbank. And can I see, like, what's the weather like?

What can I smell? It's winter. There's sort of a bite to the air. Oh, I can smell that in the air. You can, though. It's got a distinctive smell. It's the smell of winter. Burning fires.

Oh, yeah. Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Do they have all the spices in Fantasyland that we have in wherever land we live? All but turmeric. Really? It's like in America, it's just got a different name. So you've got a couple of things.

Everything's the same, but they call turmeric for some... Aluminum. Aluminum. Got it, got it, got it. If you could jot that down. Oh, will that be useful later? Yeah, well, you never know. Turmeric is aluminum.

Yeah, they have this... Good. I go and make a curry. No, no. I stand up from hugging the ground and I go, Bobby! And I give him a really big hug and I toss him in the air like a cheerleader

and I catch him again. Alright, you are hugged by an incredibly muddy half-orc, then thrown up in the air and thrown down into the mud. I think I'm just not sure what's going on. I think Bobby is like... Well, a lot's happened to you, hasn't it? So just to remember, you died at the House Eternal, then you were risen from the dead by a Carcassian witch called Lady Casilda, and you sort of, in a weird way, became her kind of consort, bodyguard, zombie thing. Do I recall that?

Only sort of as dreams. Beautiful dreams. They're a strange, erotic nightmares between life. Oh, yeah, that's Bobby. But no, other than that, the whole episode seems like a strange dream. The last thing I remember saying

was fuck-a-sucker-ding-dong. And now I'm on a riverbank. What happened, guys? Well, we met God and she killed Friso and there were some space crocodiles. It was a 60,000 word adventure. Yeah, yeah.

I had some cool adventures on like a flying spaceship but that seems, yeah, that was about it. I mean, he was there for that. Yeah, oh yeah, were you on this? Yeah. Oh yeah, Friso was crazy, tried to... Yeah, where is Friso? Oh, he was about it. I mean, he was there for that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Were you on this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Frieza was crazy, tried to... Yeah, where is Frieza? Oh, he's in heaven.

Yeah. He in heaven. Well, that seems unlikely. Wait, wait, wait. He in heaven has punishment, and also we swapped him for you. Turns out heaven is a half pipe. What does... Carry that thought through.

What does that mean in this world? There's a half bit of pipe lying in the mud and he picks it up. It's like a deep pipe. He's in a hole. Half a pipe. Yeah. Oh, there must be a town nearby.

I smell it. You actually do, because the smell of burning pine logs and other wintry smells lead you in the direction of a town that you two would recognise for just across the Shining River, D'Alembia, is the town that you grew up in and you came to call home, Daggerford, the town of Daggerford, where you first, our adventures began two and a half years ago.

Can I assume they go on to describe exactly what happened in my absence? Yeah, you know. I mean, or we could just do this very, do you want us to bring the halfpipe back again? I put a set of headphones on his ears and I say, listen to this podcast. That's a good question.

Do I have any tech from space? What are we wearing? You did go to Cyber Tokyo 2075, so you could have feasibly got a podcast of the dragon friends to bring him up to speed. Let's not go there. Does the head in, doesn't it? Mostly of your items, the things that you had,

the sort of space stuff, the gauntlets are gone, the jumpsuits have actually been replaced by the kind of clothes you used to wear in this world. Nice. But your magic items, I've listed down, your main magic items travelled with you. Can I say that Filge does have, like, three or four Nespresso pods?

Yeah. On her person. Yeah, you somehow broke the system. You got that across. I'm going to write that down. Two of them are spent and one of them is voluto and one of them is arpeggio. Is that stronger? Yes.

Tom? Arpeggio is a musical term. Oh, Tom. Thank you That really is musician for don't involve me I also took the opportunity to level you all up so as a milestone achievement for defeating the evil warlock Freezo and saving the universe

you all gain a level so you are now a level 7 arcane Trickster Rogue. You are a level 4 Fighter, level 3 Monk, Baston. And, Vild, you are a level 6 Barbarian, level 1 Wizard. Still one Wizard. Still one Wizard. How do you graduate from Wizard School? Well, if you do more Wizarding things next time I level you up,

I will give you another level of wizard. Okay. Do you want to focus more on the wizarding from here on in and less on the barbarian? Yes, I would like to, actually. Dave, as a level three monk now, I can deflect, I can catch missiles or deflect missiles? You can deflect them, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, so does anyone want to throw anything at me at any time? I'd throw a rocket. I'd throw the half pipe at your head. Okay, I'm going to do anything at me at any time. I'd throw a rocket. I'd throw the half pipe at your head. Okay. I'm going to do it. Yeah, do it. Okay. So.

This is fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you've got to make an attack roll on me with a rock. And am I throwing the half pipe? Yeah, you're doing it together at the same time. No, no, no. One at a time.

One at a time. Nine. I think I get hit by a rock or something. All right. I'd throw the half pipe at your head. I rolled a 14. Nine. I think I get hit by a rock or something. I threw the half pipe at your head. I rolled a 14. Okay, I'll try and deflect that. Eleven. I don't know about...

Look, I'll come back to you on this. You probably have to meditate for a little while before it works, right? Yeah, yeah. In the meantime, please no more projectiles in time. I just had this magic trick. I was going to say, I don't know how levelling up works in world, but I imagine that Bastogne was just like, I feel pretty good.

And then both of you were like, oh yeah! I imagine that levelling up happens always with a montage. Yeah. There's always a period of montaging. I'm hungry! Great, so as I said, the town is just across the river. There's a bridge nearby. And this is, as I said, the town is just across the river. There's a bridge nearby. And this is, as I said, the town.

You can see the castle at the centre of it, Castle Daggerford. And it's a town of about 400 souls sitting on the banks of the Shining River on the way into water. Wait, all of them are sitting on the banks of the river? Well, the people are doing their things. They're dangling their feet in the water. It's a common term. They're dangling their feet in the water. It's a common term! They're dangling their feet in the river? Oh my god. The city sits

on the banks of the river. Oh, okay. All of them at the same time? Is there some sort of aquatic parade? A festival of lights, perhaps? How cold is it? Are there bits of ice in the river? Yeah, there are little bits of ice and stuff. It's getting to the coldest time of the year. You've never been here before.

It's time for shopping! Fashion, fashion, fashion. We're back home. In Daggerford. Daggerford? Daggerford. Town of famed river crossings and knives.

Yep. Well, should we head back to our house? You have a house? Oh, cool. Sort of. We have rooms. Oh, at the inn? Yeah.

You're talking about the dragon back inn? Yeah. Let's go home. All right. You make your way across the bridge. Most people are indoors. It's go home. All right, you make your way across the bridge. Most people are indoors. It's very cold. And soon you find yourselves outside the Dragonback Inn,

where this adventure all began two and a half years ago. A cheerful-looking tavern somewhere in the caravan district. I thump on the door and I say, Honey, we home! The door creaks open. Honey? We walk in. Is there anyone inside?

It's pretty empty actually. There is a there's no people drinking and stuff at the moment but there is a figure with their back to you polishing some tables. Small, short figure. I tap on their head. The figure spins around and it is Grim Saltback, the proprietor. Grimmy.

In me fridge. And he goes, long time no head tap. Tap, tap, tap. Stop that. I tap, tap. And he goes, I never thought I'd see such a lowlife, no good, worthless friend of mine! And he hugs her.

Probably just the leg. In the professional scoundrel world, that's called a Lando. Think about it. It's a slow burner, but it's cool. Bobby, is that you? Bobby? Yeah, that's me.

Friso, where's that set of a gun? Friso's in heaven. Who are you? Meet the new Friso. I'm Baston Andreevich. Handsome man. And all-round cool guy. High five?

Low five. Oh, yeah, yeah. We understand each other. How's your band going? Yeah, well, my band's going well. You know, there was creative differences. And they decided to go with a different sexophonist and that's fine. I wish them all the best.

They're doing well out here. Two years ago, Grim Saltback was auditioning people because he wanted to start a band and he's now been kicked out of his own band. Sometimes they're kicked out. Some say he was moving and I didn't like it there. They didn't like it there. They're in Waterdeep by here. They're doing nice. It's good. Good for them.

Good for them, I say. That reminds me. A package came for you. Oh, yeah. I thought, well, you skipped that on your bill two and a half years ago, so I've been holding this as collateral. You owe me 30 gold pieces. Wait, wait, wait.

Just to break. We've done various side adventures where we paid him back. Interesting question. So we have at at times, at certain conventions, done one-shot adventures which have featured Grimmslop back. None of them are canonical. They're all... Now look, I had some crazy

dreams where you paid me back. This is the real one. This is the real homecoming. And every morning I'd wake up and my purse were to be empty and I'd think what a fun dream that was. What a fun non-canonical dream that was. I say

I have something more precious than 30 gold pieces. Is it 31 gold pieces? Some currency from very far away land. And I give him one spent coffee pot.

He hasn't seen it before. It's shiny. It's silver. What are you... Oh. Now, hang on just a minute. There's aroma. Yeah.

Do you need to do a persuasion check? Yeah. I would say he's pretty... Make a little deception check. He's an idiot, so we'll call it DC 14. 16. I drive a hard bargain. And he puts it in his top pocket and it immediately starts to sort of seep

Now, this package by a guy from Waterdeep Did I tell you by the way my band is down in Waterdeep? It's fine You still call it your band? They're playing the Palace of Guilds Yeah, good for them It's a good gig.

We've got to check them out. What's their name? You know what? Maybe don't. This package came to me from Waterdeep. Care of the Beggar King. Oh. Oh.

Old friend. Anyway, here it is. Give me. I'll rip it open. All right, so he gives you a thing that's wrapped up in wax paper, and inside you see a scrap of paper and a gold, heavy gold coin that is embossed with the sign of the Masked Lords of Waterdeep. It's the official seal of the city.

What does the note say? The note is very brief, and it just says, there is a man on the castle in the hill. I think you would do well to pay him a visit. And then it's just signed J. Who's J? Jaden Pinkerton Smith. That would be Janos Mir, the Beggar King of Water.

To be fair, you have never met, except in Chult, and various non-canonical adventures. Non-canonical. This is a confusing timeline. It all comes home to roost. Okay. Man in a castle on a hill. I say Mr. Grim Saltback. Shoot!

I want to say Tim. Okay. I've never had a nickname before. Alright. Are there any castles around here? There's a Daggerford castle on that hill up there. Oh, it's close.

Cool, cool. That's the castle the Duke of Daggerford lived in. You went there in the first season. You killed a magical magician. Magical magician? No, it was just a magician. You killed a pickup artist and... And a lion.

And a lion that did nothing wrong. Is there a date on the note? No. It doesn't have a date or anything that identifies anything more than, as I said, his initials, and then a gold coin with the symbol of the mask. Do we have any other currency? We have two coffee pods that are apparently worth 30 gold pieces. Three coffee pods, actually, I think. Do we recognize that sigil, the thing, the coin?

Yes. Definitely, Bobby, you would recognise it. It usually means business of the Lords of Waterdeep, business of the city. Right. And it's a sigil that you would, for instance, show someone to be granted passage or to prove your credentials. Not, for instance, to buy a round of drinks with.

Well, you can do whatever you want, can't you? This one's on me, I say, and I slide another coffee pot over. 30 gold pieces of ale. I'm starting your tab! All right. What do you have, Bastard? I've got a cloak of billowing.

No, no, what drink will you have? I'll have a hot rum toddy. But from now on, call it a hot rum Timmy. As Baston indicates over to you, a gust of wind blows the little note on its back, and there's another little message there that says... There's something written on the other side! What did it say? It says, it occurs to written on the other side. What did it say?

It says, it occurs to me, having just written this note and having met you before, that you might at this point sort of dilly-dally and go off on some weird... Go to the castle, give the man at the castle the coin, Janos out. If only we understood what this mysterious note meant. There's more written on the back than on the front. Maybe that's the front. You turn it over again. And weirdly, there's another thing that says, I'm fucking serious.

Oh. Wow. But what does it mean? All right. All right, Grim, we're going to have our hot rum timmies to go. So can you pack them up? He gives you four little tins, tin mugs. Each of them have a little...

I was trying to think, okay, what's the fantasy equivalent of a thermos? And you're right, it's like a sealed tin thing. No, it's a tin mug, but then there's like a tea candle that's strapped to the bottom. See, that's even better. It's just a lantern filled with rum. I was like, what is it? And then somebody said,

why has it got crossed with the Flintstones? And I was like, he puts it in a pelican. You know what? Pelican, pelican. I'll take mine in a pelican. You know what? Pelican, pelican. I'll take mine in a pelican. Bobby gets his in a sarcastic pelican. The rest of you get tin mugs. And you make your way up the hill.

Mop, mop, mop. Mop, mop, mop. And soon you find yourselves once again. I take a sip out of the pelican's mouth. It's a livery. There we go. The pelican is very drunk. You make your way up

the hill and once again you find yourselves crossing the drawbridge that leads into the castle that dominates this small border town. A sort of giant two-story castle with a gleaming tower. A giant two-story castle with a gleaming tower.

A giant two-story! This is the biggest thing I've ever seen! Each story is six feet tall! And that, that, ladies and gentlemen, is a callback four years in the making. Oh my goodness. I gazed down at the giant castle. Are you...

I hate you all, and I haven't missed this. It's on a hill. And as you cross the drawbridge, you can see the raised portcullis, but standing in front of it are two guards who flank the doors and cross their spears as you approach. Halt, peasants! Oh, see, that's a lot better, actually.

Halt, peasants! You're coming a long way, Jeremy. The other one says to the other one. Didn't we kill you? Stand aside. We're on visit... We're on visit... Oh, fuck.

I'm very drunk. I've been drinking this whole pelican of rum. He has. He's a real loose unit. That's the pelican's voice. It's a good one. Well, I think we found Dave, a character that's a real crowd favourite.

Might stick around. We're in business from the masters of the city of Waterdeep. Who's the peasant now? Bitch. You're covered in mud all over your face. Have you been eating mud? I flashed the coin. I've been smooching mud. They look at the coin and they look at each other

and their faces go white and then the spears part I've been smooching mud. All right, they look at the coin, and they look at each other, and one of their faces go white, and then the spears part, and they stand to the side stiffly to attention. Yeah, I thought so. Give us that coin back. Do you still have the coin? Yeah, well, don't even think about it.

Yeah, and give me that hat. Yeah. And he gives you his hat. Yeah. I'm sorry, sir. If I may ask a question, it's not too impertinent to ask Did that pelican just talk? Why don't you ask

the pelican? Did you just talk? I'm just a bird I don't know why but it stuck Also, don't just say that pelican. It has a name. Yeah, it's Crawford. As you were, I'll alert... I'll send a...

To alert the... Yeah, do that. And I fling his hat into the moat. An alligator... An, do that. And I fling his hat into the moat. An alligator comes out. Jinkies! And then gets knocked out and just sinks to the bottom again. Yeah.

The whole... This isn't going to be all just a clip show, right? Go get some stuff off him. You walk in, the guards flanking you, and they take positions on either side of the interior walls because soon you see that the castle opens up into a giant central throne room with six huge pillars, and it seems some work that has been done on the throne room

since the last time you were here. A huge marble dais in three sections flanked by big, proud flags and spears laid out along the back of the room. Proud flags or pride flags? Proud, like they jut out. Ooh, stiff. Like Crawford.

At the tallest, most powerful point in the room, a tall granite chair, high-backed and imperious. And sitting on that chair is a kind of dumpy-looking nobleman with a tiny pointed beard who seems to be studying a small sheath of papers. You. Not now, please. You do not disturb me while I'm reading my sheath of papers. Hey, buddy, I died in space. you. Not now, please. You do not disturb me while I'm reading my Sheaf of Pebbles. Hey, buddy, I dine in space.

I don't give a fuck! Oh, boy. God, there is a crazy man in here. Please take him away. I flash the coin. We're not an official business, my friend. Behold our coin. And also, check out our talking pelican.

Oh, nice room you've got here. What did you have? How much did it cost? Sorry, I started to say one thing, then said another. Now I'm stuck. Okay, pipe down, Crawford. Crawford's gotten a bit big for his boots, I think.

Which is pretty impressive for a bloody pelican. Because they're all... Okay, so he sees the coin and he sort of, again, like the guards, turns pale and his demeanour completely changes. He goes, But of course! And he hops off the throne.

Surprising buoyancy. Yeah, and sort of dusts it. And he goes, Excusez-moi. I am LeCroy. That is L-A-C-R-O-I-X. Is that your surname? Yes.

What's your first name? What's your first name? It's just LeCroy. No, it's not. My first name? The simplest of questions. I guess, of course. Answer's not. My first name? The simplest of questions. Answer, what is my first name? It is Simon

Graneau. One word, Simon Graneau. Simon Graneau Le Croy. I was just giving you an opportunity to say Pomplimus. That was the correct answer, absolutely. It's the best flavour of Le Croy. Anyway, moving on. And what business do you have sitting on this hard chair?

Well, since you do not know, which is odd, I am and I must stress in a particular caretaker capacity, the Duke, as you say, of Daggerford. Nice to see you. But as you have a little coin, let me see that a little closer, please. Are you going to do this? I'm sorry. The old time.

The old time. Like, like, like, like, like, like. I hold it up to his face. Charming. That is such a good coin. Well, yes, obviously there is much to do now. Where's the regular duke at? We're regular duke. You can't take

a duke. We're normal duke. He was murdered, shall you say, some time ago. There was a dragon. He was on it. It was like the biggest thing that has happened in the whole time here. He was on a dragon and then the dragon ate him?

Well, he went down to Waterdeep and never came back. The reports vary, you know. But who murdered him, and what? Are you serious? Yes, I didn't catch that part of the story. Wait, which guy? I bet it was Oz. Yes, the Duke of Daggerford, who was...

The first Duke was murdered and the second Duke, Davin Tyrrell, you killed in the House of the Artificers in season one. Oh, my God. And since that time, there's been no formal family ruling over Daggerford and there is a sort of custodian Duke

in the shape of Luck Croy. Yeah, like, again, it's the biggest thing that... It's like that big thing and then... Did you hear this guy died in space? He's got a talking pelican. You're big, he's out tiny. Now take us to where we're meant to go with this.

Right this way. And he leads you through the throne room, comes down the stairs, and he takes you into a small study off the side, a kind of den with a big roaring fireplace and a few armchairs and also a small writing off the side, a kind of den with a big roaring fireplace and a few armchairs and also a small writing desk in the corner. And he pulls out a key,

rifles through it and starts looking through some letters. Again, I just said that while I look for these letters, it has been an honour to be the caretaker, Duke. I hope you like what I've done with the place. I don't know if you saw the throne room from before. Very imposing. Did you see the flat?

Okay, well, that's... And he pulls out soon, and he flourishes for you another letter that is stamped with a wax seal, again with the sign of the Masked Lords of Waterdeep, and ostentatiously he shows you that the seal has not been broken, and then he snaps it open.

Shall I read it to you? First, who's holding the coin, by the way? Me. Okay. Okay. And he starts reading it, but it's, who's holding the coin, by the way? Me. Okay. And he starts reading it, but it's like in Hunt for the Red October, where it zooms in on his mouth, then it zooms out, and it's a different voice.

Under the power vested in me, Janos Myr, by the lords of Waterdeep, in accordance with the ancient rites of accession and fealty, do declare the owner of this token, that's a coin, to be the right and true lord of Daggerford. First of their name and immediately imbue them all rights, responsibilities, privileges and duties accorded to the rank of Duke of the Realm. I named them responsible for the maintenance of these lands, collection of taxes and the upkeep and the readiness, et cetera, et cetera, of the holdfast of this castle,

its respective military forces and treasuries for the protection of these lands and trade and peace of the Lord's Alliance. So it is said and so it is done. So that is them. Was that an accent crossfade you did? Yes, it was. Very good.

I liked it, Ben. That was great. Looks like Ben leveled up too. Crossfade is also a musical term. Is it a coffee though? No. So that is the gist. So wear me hat wear me duke hat

give me duke hat and he sort of looks at you and he's wearing a quite normal hat but he sees your eyes and he looks at it and he starts to move his hands as if to say but this isn't a but you really want I brought this from home

so what does duke hat look like? But this isn't a... But you really want... I brought this from home. What does G-Cat look like? It's just a felt cloth indoor cap that he sort of has with a wide brim so the candlelight doesn't get in his eyes. It looks very ordinary, quite comfortable. Wait, does it look like a baseball cap? Yeah. It's a fantasy baseball cap.

Indoor, for all the indoor candlelight The indoor glare You're not going to have an outdoor candlelight, Eden Now, get yourself together He gives you the hat Cool, cool Alright, so what now? So congratulations, Filge

Because you were the one holding the coin at the moment You are now the Duke of Daggerford You own the castle. Here is a map. I've given you some maps of your castle. So we're here in the throne room. You're actually in the den off the side of the throne room. Oh, yeah.

All right. There's a den. This place has a den. It is completely up to you. Do I call her Duchess? Malige. Malige. Maybe you ask me what me like to be called.

Of course. By which title shall I address you? Just the normal one. I don't know. Your liege, your most exalted Duchess, Duchess? Duke, Duke, Duke. It's like actor, doctor. Don't mess it up.

Yeah, me Duke and your prettiness. Okay, your prettiness. Look, Janos Mio told me that should you return with the coin, which he did. I must say, he said it was unlikely, but here you are. And he said if it was the wish of the new Duke that I should linger in an advisory capacity, then that is something that I would be willing

to do. I already have rooms for myself and some linens that I like to sleep in. Me gotta say, me very happy you're not putting up a fight with this basic takeover. But of course, I always do this temporary as

fleeting as this summer be. Okay, dragon huddle. Drew, you form a huddle in the corner. I will be stolen away over here. So, that was easy. Your prettiness, I would like to be the first to lead my fealty to your duke

and declare myself number one guy in town. Okay, done. I was thinking something else. How about every time someone else want to be Duke in Drago's, we rock, paper, scissors for it. Cool. And we just pass the hat around

because, you know, absolute power corrupts and whatnot. All right. Sorry, does Filch say absolute power corrupts and whatnot. All right. Sorry, does Filch say absolute power corrupts and whatnot? And whatnot, as the saying goes. And whatnot. So I turn around and I say, hey, Frenchie.

Frenchie? What is this? You're looking at the ruling triumvirate of Daggerford. Yeah. You got first order of business. You got to make two more hats. Okay, once again, I brought this hat from home. But it will be done.

Of course, yes. One teeny tiny hat. I will assemble this stuff. And he claps his hands twice like a good little majordomo. And seven figures scurry to attention. You can see a chef. Sleepy. A beast master.

Some Scullion maids. and they all sort of line up. There's about seven staff, plus behind them a row of six guards with all of the spears, your household staff stand to attention. And at that moment, so as I said, there's seven and six, there's 13. A 14th figure sort of pokes their head around a corner to see what all of the fuss is. And this is a kind of dressed like a sort of a noble kid. Like a kid from a noble family.

Or like a fancy boy. A fancy boy. Well, who's this fancy boy? Step forward, fancy boy. This is the new Duke Tramvern, so I would suggest that you just say. He says to the figure.

The figure looks confused and sort of embarrassed and is about to duck away, but encouragingly, LeCroy beckons him forward. And to play that figure, please welcome back to the Dragon Friends and to the stage, Michael Hing! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Dragon Friends, and to the stage, Michael Hing! So as I said, the figure is dressed like a sort of shit in a kind of grey suit, and it seems a yellow tie, and sunglasses indoors.

Does this boy have a little beard like how Michael Hing does? Yeah, and this boy is dressed in clothes that he was not wearing backstage. Does the little boy have a pocket square? He has a little blue pocket square. And a newfound confidence, I think, which excites and intrigues me as Dungeon Master. And I can't wait to see how it plays out. Dave? Yes.

First of all, you told me that the start of this show would take 10 to 15 minutes. I apologise that I had no way of knowing that they would adopt a pelican. This really feels like a taste of my own medicine and I do not like it. Secondly, you told me I could make a character sheet, so I've done that.

Yep. My character, his name is Lion Shield Banknote. Oh! He's an artificer. An artificer? An artificer. Yeah, and I've worked out a voice as well. Great.

Very good. If it's Aldi Poirot, it's already taken. What do you mean an artificer? What is this? It's an artificer. You said I could do anyone from D&D Beyond, and I did. Is that someone who makes, like, counterfeit coins? No, it's like a...

Well, you'll see what the voice... The voice will give a lot away. It's magic science, right? Okay, here we go. What type of creature are you? Like, are you a fox or a man? The two types. I'd say I'm closer to man than fox.

Does he have a thing on his face? When you say that you are an ASMR... ASMR. I think I got an idea of how the voice is going to sound. It's a very particular voice. But is he like a Star Trek face? What is this? So you've done this.

These are all variant subclasses and custom races. Where did you get a printer? All right. You told me I was allowed to take 12 things from D&D Beyond, so you can check my equipment list. It's all legal. Stone of good luck. Necklace of fireballs.

Ball bearings. Bag of 1,000. Anti-matter rifle. It's legal, dude. It's 100% legal. And then the sixth one is a shovel. What do you need a shovel for? In case you need to bury something.

I don't know. It's just in my go bag. I don't know, dude. Okay, so Bass on 10. You've done your personality traits and you've given yourself the bond the common folk must see me as a hero of the people chaotic good interesting step forward boy

what is your name fuck sake Step forward, boy. What is your name? Ha ha ha! Fuck's sake. Greetings! My name is Lion Shield Banknote of the Rutherglen Banknotes. I am but a tinkerer of contraptions. You might know me as a poet

of the mind and a distiller of the finest rums and most mediocre gins known to man. Are you old enough to drink? Yes. My family is one of the fanciest, well, formerly was one of the most fanciest and most decorative families in all of the known realms. Are we still in that one? I don't know. One thousand pardons to interrupt.

Your dukes. Allow me to introduce to you, if that was not clear, Master Banknote. He stays with us in the Gasteron. A tinkerer of contraptions! How old is this boy? In years. He's of the ASMR people,

which are a sort of race that are not dissimilar to elves, but they are descended from the gods. Angels, in fact. So you can tell from his kind of blue, otherworldly skin and his platinum blonde hair that he is either a celebrity chef or some kind of angelic creature and he's probably,

you know, easily 100 years old. Oh. But, but brain-wise, maybe like 17 or so. What? Were you whispering there,

LaCroix? No, I was using my teeny-tiny voice. All right then. Ha, ha, ha. And so you're, you're like,, ha, ha! And so you're... You're like...

You're an artifice, so you're a kind of... A tinkerer! You make sort of arcane mechanical inventions. Yes, Dave. I have. I looked this up.

I can kind of... I can kind of... It says imbue tiny non-magical objects with magical properties. Oh! But I also have... I know a couple of spells as well. So yeah, I'm like low-level magic.

Okay. Hey, Banksy, can you make my pelican magic? Ha ha ha! Well, your pelican appears to speak, which makes me think it might be of magic origin. Somebody do an arcana check! Is it, uh, are you going to do the arcana check. Is it... Are you going to do

the Arcana check? No. I could. I could race you towards my boy. What is your name? I'm Baston of the family

Indrirovich. Ah! Can you teach me new ways to win at online poker? Ah, Bastard, you are as handsome as you are single. Correct. So tell us, Banknote, what do you do in the castle here?

We are its new lords. Yes, and please show us respect. Yes, well, I'm respectful of all lords as a nobleman myself. I will tell you that I was destined to go to university. To the college, as it were. I was to study... What?

Why are you doing this to us? No, I like it. Keep going. It's good. I was destined to study the finest books and the longest comic books. And now, unfortunately, I have taken leave of absence

from my studies. This is very similar to Michael Hing. He's doing what we are calling a gap year in the castle. He's doing some... He coaches rugby for the under 12s. Yes, I coach abseiling as well. And I have started a study group,

if you would like to learn anything from any of my books. We are very lucky to have him. Dukes, and of course, Master Bank Nerd. Thank you. Obviously, this was a duty that I was to undertake when I woke up this morning. I understood that this would be my job as it is every other day. A caretaker, so don't get ahead of yourself. No, a thousand pardons.

A thousand and one, you know, for extra good measure. But you have a line of petitioners waiting to see you. Fans. Not in so many words, but your subjects, you know. Oh, dick work. All right. Yeah, look, we'll take him in the throne room. I'll take the in the throne room.

I'll take the one that's there now. And what kind of chair do you want? A chair? Yeah. Oh, like a swing. You want a swing? And I will have a chaise lounge. A chaise lounge for Monsieur Baston and a swing for Bobby Pancakes.

Yes. Do you mean like a little tiny infant swing that you put in and they swing back and forth? Don't get cute with me. Okie dokie. Well, I will see what I can do. And LeCroy and the staff scurry away and Phil, do you make your way up to the tall back chair at the top of the dais in the throne room? Yes.

You can see already there are now mingling a few figures that are being put into a line by the guards. And one of them steps forward. Oi, where's the little one? Where's the little one with the beard? Oh, we're the dukes now. LaCroix, send out a newsletter. Me don't want to have to explain this a million times.

LaCroix is getting your various chairs. LaCroix, send out a newsletter! I will do it immediately. this a million times. McCroy's getting your various chairs. McCroy, stand out and make better! I will do it immediately. In a moment, a chaise lounge is what I need. No,

that is a settee. All right, well, you do then. Me cabbages are going missing. A quest for the dragon.

Fear not, good man. We will find out who is taking your cabbages. Now be gone. Next. And the two guards said, you heard her, and they drag him out. Cabbage quest. What's Lion Shield? What are you doing?

You just... I think I'm skulking around the corner I'm still back in the other room Are you making my pelican more magic? Oh You've left the pelican in Lion Shield Yeah, Crawford's with Lion Shield Ooh

I've rolled a seven as an Arcana check Alright It seems that the pelican is mundane in origin This is but a normal pelican You can say that again. A bird of the water. Next petitioner. Next.

I've been waiting for half an hour. I don't in space. Next. Next. The third is a man that looks at his wits end, huge circles under his eyes, and he's sort of nervously clutching a cloth cap. First of all, I'd like to say thank you so much for seeing me.

You don't look like I thought you'd look like, for example, you're three people. And as he says that, three scullery maids very slowly drag a chaise lounge and sort of scraping across the stone and place it. It's really loud too. They sort of thump it next to the throne. Baston does a few circles on it like a cat.

Got to find the comfy bit. Yeah, got to find the comfy spot. I've written several letters, and to no avail. It's the wedding in town. It's been going on for days. Look, this is essentially, and they said that this was below the Duke's pay grade, but I waited and waited and waited. It's just too loud.

It's a noise complaint. How long has this wedding been going for? Three days. I can't sleep. I've got a three and a half month old at home. Well, you wouldn't be sleeping anyway. Up there in Rivershine Hall, the Mercival Skitters, they're a nuisance. The Skitters.

Hello. What kind of wedding are we looking at here? A noisy one. We'll see. Well, I don't care about you. Thank you for seeing me but I am I am upset

that we as Duke were not invited I know hey guys prima noce what what

is the Duke all right to like I'm not saying I do it that's why I'm having a look wait prima noce

what is it can you explain? Did you go right to have sex with the bride on the wedding night? Oh! Wait, it's the third night. No, not worth our time. The window's closed on that. I'm not saying...

Just to be clear, I'm not saying I'd do it. I would. Messieurs, there is a wedding every other week in Daggerfield. It is a destination for weddings. Since we have built that lovely gazebo and one of my initiatives as caretaker, you understand, I would not trouble yourself. But if there is no other business,

then perhaps we shall let this riffraff. I will deal with such tiny matters. And at that moment, there is a pounding on the doors and you hear a powerful but reedy voice yell out, let me in! And the doors slam open and a gaunt, tall figure is silhouetted in the doorway. I have been waiting for half an hour! And I will not be sent home!

I thought I'd get some pushback there, so I was sort of ready to get the... You know what, you kind of wrong-footed me! He has a sort of Puritan collar on and a long, gaunt, black coat, very tightly bound around him, a peaked cap, and he has a kind of sort of vulture-esque energy, sort of gaunt shoulders and long fingers as he walks forward and points a finger at you, Filge. The sanatorium is filled to bursting!

The sanatorium? That's what I just said. Where all sanitary products go? Clean it out! That's not what that means! Clean it out! Clean it out! That's not what that means! Clean it out! Clean it out! We would clean it...

Invest in moon cups! The magical cups made in the light of the moon! We would invest in things if we had funds and staff and worded our wits end with madmen

and madwomen filling our cells! I'm no accountant, but you need to look at your budget. That's what I'd do if I were an accountant. I you need to look at your budget. That's what I'd do if I were an accountant. I've looked at... Next!

I've looked... I will not be sent away! It is a disaster! I have two guards already grabbing him and dragging him forward as he sort of keeps yelling at you. Come! Come and see! Come and see with your own eyes the... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is the sanatorium? Is it where the poo goes? It is not where the poo goes! Okay, so you would know this, Phil, and you would know this, Friso. May he rest in peace. The Old Hill Sanatorium is the kind of asylum

of Daggerford, and it's an old historical building that is nominally run by the devout nuns and custodians of the Temple of Ilmata, an order that have largely taken vows of silence, and theyinally run by the devout nuns and custodians of the temple of Ilmata, an order that have largely taken vows of silence. And they're run by this man, Father Jebediah Brackenvald. And it is a sanatorium for the afflicted, for those that have, through magical means or otherwise, taken leave of their senses

and are in need of its sort of restorative properties. It is a kind of dark and superstitious place, but also a place of healing. So you're the boss of this place? Absolutely, I'm the boss. So, like, your fault, right? If you keep sending me mad people and I don't have anywhere to put the mad people, then it's not my fault.

But surely... With the greatest of respect. Hmm. Well, but don't you fix the mad people? What's the turnover rate like? Yeah. Growing alarmingly, says Father Jebediah. What are they mad of?

Like, what is it? Let me just... I have been... He goes on to explain that the Sanatorium simply cannot cope with the influx of patients that have recently been admitted and that new, poor, afflicted souls are showing up every day. This has been a growing problem throughout the winter, far out of scale of the normal amount of cases that they deal with. And already the patients admitted have taken the place to bursting point, making the conditions unsanitary and even more frightening.

have taken the place to bursting point, making the conditions unsanitary and even more frightening. And he's concerned that the problem is only getting more and more out of hand without the funding of the asylum being equally increased. I brought this up with LaCroix, and LaCroix said deal with it, and I tried, and I can't. Bunk beds. Here, look, it's a chaise lounge. Put another one on top. Bunk beds. We have already tried bunk beds.

Look, usually, and I have been in the crazy person business for a long time, typically someone turns up. They hear some voices. I talk to them about it. I give them some medicine. We have another talk. They go home. In my mind, Ben,

he was going to be quite a sympathetic character to the plight of the neuroatypical, but the crazy person business? This is fantasy. It's a different world. Anyway. You're cancelled. I will not be cancelled

He's an old man He's from a different time And a different dimension I'm saying I can't treat whatever this malady is Come see for yourself Come see Sorry, you want to say something? Well, can Lion Shield

Lion Shield banknote? I think he's heard the commotion and he sort of strolls in to the room and he goes, Ah ha ha! Father! Father Jebediah! It is good to see you again. I hear that you're having trouble at the old sanatorium, are you? Yes, banknote. Well, my offer always stands if you'd like some of those troubled few to be donated to a worthwhile house.

I'm sorry, what? I could always take some more subjects for my experiments. I'm cancelled. I'm cancelled. Get a load of this guy. He says the whole court. You wrote chaotic good. Yes, Dave! I'm not sure if you're familiar with how

things like vaccines were originally tested, but it was on the poor and unfortunate, and it was for the common good! You can't make an omelette. The greater good, not the individual good. Is there such a class as good evil? What do you guys want to do? Alright, again, Father Jebediah is like

embarrassed for Banknote and there's sort of an uneasy silence that any of you could feel free to feel at any moment. Okay, well, okay. Dragon Huddle. Okay, let's go check out this cabbage situation Yeah Where are they?

Across town, near the small hamlet of Stillwater Half a day's ride out of Daggerford And the farmer is frankly surprised to see The ducal procession, four guards in tow, arriving at his humble fucking cabbage farm. Yeah, so they were here and now they're not. Here's your problem. I hold up a dead rabbit with a crossbow bolt through it.

Oh, right. Rabbits, was it? Put up a fence, dipshit. Yeah. No, you're... You know what? I was sort of just blown off steam, you know? Sort of wanting to get out there. Alright, now that's sorted. To the wedding!

Thank you. River Shine Hall! Famed tavern of the proper need few, nestled inside the money quarter of Daggerford under the calming influence of the Temple of Tymora, is a function house of some delight. Already you can hear the noise wafting in the streets of drunken revelry and bridal waltz music.

On the distance, it seems that the town has for three days now been feasting, and another NPC, frankly surprised to see you, still with a cloth cap in his hand, is standing there and has very little to say, having already served his purpose to the greater narrative, but here you are. It's a bit of an existential crisis. He thought he just didn't exist really outside of that. It's a real sort of waiting for Godot moment.

Filge walks up to the hall where they're all having revelries. So you're outside the hall, yeah, and he's waiting there, the little guy you talked to. Okay. We're going to sort this out for you. Oh. And I walk in with a...

Well, hang on. You were riding in a palanquin held aloft by, like, servants because you're the Duke, so you're going to mark it. Well, then I sit in. So you're going to make them walk it into the building? And I walk in and I... It's a real squeeze. It's a small door.

Oh, we go one at a time. And I get a can. So the guards sort of, they collapse the palanquin and they walk in in single file, Filch following, and then she sort of waits and they sort of reassemble it and she kind of climbs up onto it. And this is in a small ante room inside the river shine hole function centre

where there is a reception desk and there is a small man in a little suit and tabard waiting. And before he says anything, all of you quickly make for me a perception check. Am I with them Dave? I don't know, are you? Yes, you can be part of our retinue.

Ha ha! I got an 8 Dave? 6.'t know, are you? Yes, you can be part of our retinue. Ha ha! I got an eight, Dave? Six. Anyone get over 15? Yes, I did. 18 plus whatever my bonus is. All right, great. Bank Note and Bobby, you both notice at that moment something,

which is that the last sustained note is held by the bridal waltz, and then it just seems to hang in the air and disappear, and another room behind him is silent. However, the reception dignitary has not noticed. Hello. Hello. Filch, Duke of Daggerford. Oh, lovely.

That's nice. Are you the emcee? No, I'm just sitting at the desk here. Name, please. My name is Lion Shield Black Note. I'm going to ask you what your name was. Yes, you, the large lady looking at me. How much longer this wedding go for?

We don't want to wrap it up if it's a cultural thing. We don't want to get cancelled. So just wondering what the norm is. Well, there's one more evening of reveries to go The Bridal Waltz is happening right now Well

We are not ones to be left out of a Bridal Waltz Bastion's going to kick down the door You're going to kick down the door You're going to kick down the door Dave I'm rolling the dice for it Yep the door is open and oh

Kick it out of the way Kick down the door And I want to get that, you kick it out of the way. You kick down the door. And I want to get that wife, and I want to waltz her. Oh, ask first. All right, well, Baston kicks down the door, and it clatters to the ground, and at that moment, a scene in front of you, like out of some kind of strange trance,

for you see guests. You see a priest of Timora, you see a bride and a groom and a bridal party arrayed around them and a quartet in the corner, and all of them stand upright, their eyes wide open, and none of them seem, they all move and they breathe and they sort of sway back and forward, but they are all caught in a single moment. And now you realize that the sound you can hear is the fiddle player's bow slowly pulling back on one note again and again as he sways left and right, his eyes locked on a bride and groom, arms around each other as they sway backwards and forwards, the center of attention of a paralyzed room.

And now you realize that with great powers come responsibilities for a dark magic has found its way into the heart of Daggerford. And here in the River Shine Hall, something is beginning that will carry you through perhaps the next 10 months, impossible to say. But then again, we do tend to fill these things on a schedule. Can the dragon Friends find a solution to a curse that is already gripping the land?

Can they rise to the new demands of new titles and powers of succession? For the answers to questions such as this, tune in to the next and second episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing and Eden Lacey, and are DM'd by me, Thank you! Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre with music this episode by Tom Cardy. Bye!