Dragon Friends - #5.04. How Erect Are These Trees?

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

Seeking answers in the paintings of Smedley, The Dragon Friends grapple with the dangers of bringing the occult close to home. Banknote breaks out a very canonical weapon and Robert Pancakes, Lycanthrope and Jazz extraordinaire takes centre stage Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lunch in a Dugel Palace is a simple affair. Merely three courses of meats, cheeses, and a fine fish broth. Frugal by the expectations of most landed gentry, and yet a rare treat for the dragon friends, newly accustomed as they are to the benefits of their station. You eat quickly, each regaining two hit dice worth of health points. Woo! I know!

Dinner is finished with a small... By the way, Banknote was like fucking on death's door this whole time and nobody did anything Wait, did you get are you level 2 now and do you get more hit points?

Yeah He's rested because you've all had lunch Yeah A small bell tinkles as a door opens revealing the return of one

La Croix Pomplemousse. Hello, my most juky-jukes. So good to see you have rested. Did you enjoy the lunch? Very much so. Adequate. Very much from you.

Adequate. Adequate from you. Fish soup is kind of a bit of a gross... Okay, I'll make a little mental note of that to not deserve Monsieur Fish Soup anymore. And for you, Mr. Bagnard. La Croix, you've outdone yourself again. Perfect as always.

I love what you do with the food. Can I just say, this tapestry has caught fire. Okay. That is so wonderful and puzzling to hear. La Croix, first order of Dukie Business. Uh-huh. I wish Crawford to be appointed new fire captain of the city. And he shall fill up his beak with water and pour it over the city until the fire goes out.

I'm immensely unqualified. With the greatest of respect available to me currently. Usually you say that before you give me backhanded compliment, but go on. You are so good. Yes. At so many things. Big time. on many things.

Big time. But I just wonder, you're one third of a duke, if given yesterday's events where you almost burnt down the money quarter, giving... Excuse me? Pardon?

We weren't even there. No. It wasn't us. Certainly I wasn't. I wasn't there. Ah, Bobby Pancakes, Mr. Pancakes, the tiny man with the pancake.

I did not see you come in. Ah, Bobby Pancakes, Mr. Pancakes, the tiny man with the pancake. I did not see you come in. Look, as you wish, and I will make the appropriate hat for the bird. Because the bird has big beaks and filled with water, better than any other bird becoming fire captain, that's for sure. Nobody's disputing the quality of the bird. It is, I understand how you you say, an impossibility, but I will do this for that is my job, to do these impossibilities,

as your flights of fancy do take you. And I have done such a wonder, let me tell you downstairs in the basement, that you would not believe. All day, all night, he has been ranting. Not all day, all night. It is the same day. Well, me. Figure of speech.

Wow, that internal monologue I just want you to know is really outside. We can hear everything you're saying. I'm sorry, I'm very tired. He has been painting, creating non-stop, calling for more inks and canvases. His hunger for such things cannot be abated. This is not, strictly speaking, my job, so I was wondering.

This is true. A day ago, I was the Duke, and it was fine. It's so funny how that happens. LaCroix, look, with the permission of the Dukes, I would like you to set up a meeting with the finest art dealer in the entire town of Daggerford. Bring them to us now, and we will show them the painting and get a good pretty penny for it. The finest art dealer of a town of 500 of mostly farmers and caravan guards.

Yes. Well, then go to Waterdeep, man, and get a bigger art dealer. Find me the largest water... It is a three-day ride, but if you request it, I will go to Waterdeep and find you an art dealer returning in six days' time. Is that what you request? If you would prefer, I can find somebody appropriate.

But I am happy to go. Wait. No, if you leave now, and by the time you come back, the world will be over or over the next day. It'll be one of those two things. So no, send one of your underlings, someone less, like a stable boy or a stable girl, someone who's stable.

There must be somebody. There must be somebody in all of Dagenford who can appraise art. There are, they are just not very good. Yeah, and also all their houses are burning down right now. That's true, the money quarter is at home. I will send Buttonsley, the stable boy. Buttonsley? Buttonsley. Oh, cool.

It is six days return trip. You will not see him this season. But he goes. Look why me wish you not be distracted from the main task at hand, finding a hat for the pelican. Of course, of course. Come. Come with me down to the basement,

and I will show you the wonders that I have wrought with such limited budget. Please. As we wander down, Banknote's going to strike up a conversation with Crawford the Pelican. Why did you bring him back? I like it. Crawford, as the fire chief, could you tell me if any other civilians have died

or perished in the fire? I'll tell you as fact. It's a good thing that we've got access to the river, otherwise people would keep dying. As it is, I've got plenty of water and it keeps them all alive. Interesting. Very well

done, Crawford. Thank you for your service to this city. I'm an unnecessary addition to this story. Don't be so hard on yourself. I reckon give him a medal. You want a medal? Yes, I would like a medal very much.

LaCroix? Yes? You know how you fought in... I overheard I will get a medal for the bird. Thank you. Okay, dragon huddle. Wait, no, just one quick thing. How many sub-meetings are we going to have?

Very quickly, Coralford. Did you say you were putting water on that fire to put it out? Yes. From the river? Because my understanding is that that particular alchemic fire that sort of... And did you say that

there's a river that people are jumping into? I have just remembered six more people died when we started using the water. It used up the rest of the alchemical fire from the desk, but I guess that's 90 experience points, whatever that is. Thank you so much. Sorry, Dragon Huddle.

Oh, Dragon Huddle. I was just going to say. It's a very short one. You know, obviously we just pull a little away from Banknote. Obviously, there's a vacancy in the Dragon Friends. And, you know, I like Banknote, but this Crawford. He's got star quality. There's something about him.

Me just want to hear from him more. You know what I mean? It is a dead heat for me. Yeah. Yeah, obviously we've got to solve this end of the world thing, but next on agenda, definitely, who's going to fill that spot? Maybe a talent quest of some description. Maybe we make them do an obstacle course or solve a riddle,

something similar like that. Personal essay. Personal something similar like that. Personal essay. Personal essay. Love that. A variety of tasks. Okay, cool, cool. Cool, cool. But by that time, you have made your way down into the basement.

And LaCroix has worked wonders, as he said. Three squalid cells. One of them has been turned into quite a modest but comfortable, cozy even, artist's studio, digs. There is a bed, there is a little sort of folding screen with a modesty curtain. There is a little entertaining area, a small breakfast nook. And there is a small gallery space with empty canvases, paints, inks, pigments, and a stand, an easel. And it's hard at work with his back toases, paints, inks, pigments, and a stand, an easel,

and hard at work with his back to you, ignoring you. The shackle's now gone from his wrists. Some colour in his cheeks is the figure of Thomas Smedley, painting furiously, and obscuring the painting that he's working on. And he's just muttering to himself, like he's not really engaging. He's completely in the zone. Step aside, Smedley.

What have you been working on? First of all, it's Smedley. All right, Smedley. He doesn't respond at all. He just keeps painting. What if I pick him up and take three steps backwards? He paints the air where... What can we see?

As you actually pick him up and move him to the side, you notice beside him another canvas cast to the ground, almost as if he was done with it. The moment he was done with it, he sort of was completely, he abandoned and threw it to the ground. What looks to be like a beautiful portrait tossed aside. Of me? No, it is not of Ryan Shields.

No, it is also not of you. Would it fucking kill it to be Of me? No, it is not of Ryan Shields. Of me. No, it is also not of you. Would it fucking kill it to be of me? Ben Jenkins. Used to be on television. Done some stuff for ABC. Overlooked once again for the Archibald. No, so it is a beautiful tall canvas in the Gothic style. And it shows a wrought iron gate open and unbarred,

and in the threshold of that gate, you see a figure, almost elfin in there, clean, harsh features, a pair of lovers in bridal... That's not a portrait. Sorry. A pair of lovers in bridal cloth, entwined, frozen, mid-waltz, and with his skill as an artist, even though the image itself is frozen in time,

you can see an unnatural stillness in them as if they are locked in their embrace, and beyond them you see a dark road through a dark, rocky night towards further small features in the distance. Just to defend Dave, you weren't talking about the actual art, you were talking about... The aspect ratio. Whether it was like upways or sideways.

Yeah, I was talking about the aspect ratio. Portrait as opposed to landscape. That's correct. So in the painting, it's as if the lovers were not moving. Yes. And in fact, he has signed it, and he has signed it. He has signed it. And he has signed it with the name Thomas Smedley, The Lover's Gate.

Wait, isn't The Lover's Gate already open? We're done with that gate. So what's the next one? Show us the next one, Smedley. There is a canvas that he's been painting on as well. Yeah, what's that? Can I see, Dave, from the, before we move on, the painting with the lovers,

is there anything about the landscape that I recognise from the landscape we've been travelling? It's a portrait! It's... The landscape is... For the last time, Eden! The landscape both seems familiar and unfamiliar. It is dark, it is night. I hope that helps.

It's a rocky road leading across a moonlit shore. Marshmallows. Peanuts. Sorry. Dave's going to fucking snap. Fucking come here every fucking month. Heading towards a moonlit shore with mist wrapping around itself. And as I said, points of light in the distance.

It is a trail that leads into the darkness itself. But it is not yet enough landscape for you to recognize. Although it pulls and stirs, particularly at you, Bobby, this landscape stirs something primordial, forgotten in your mind. And at that point, you notice all of you as you see the sort of trapped figure of Smedley as he tries to paint in the air itself, held aloft by Filch.

You can see for the first time the canvas that he is working on and it is a rough work. Already the signs of a genius artist are unmistakable, but the picture is half-formed. Instead, you can see what looks like the beginning of a chiseled and polished stone gate, locked and barred, with filigree symbols of whitewood trees across it that seem to be on fire, smoke billowing around the edges. He has already signed it that the work itself is not finished, as Thomas Smedley, the burning gate.

And what colour is the fire? The fire seems to be normal fire. Normal fire, not weird green fire. It's white wood. As I said, it's a copse of white wood trees on fire. And he's still just painting in the air, by the way. Well, if I know this area around Daggerford, that seems to me like that might be the ghost light wood.

Or what about the blight wood? Oh, dang. What about the boner hills? How erect are these trees? I'm going to put him back on his canvas in case there's anything else he wants to paint on it. He continues to draw and in fact

it seems like he hasn't missed a beat. Are there any large sheeps or anything in the horizon? You cannot see the symbol of a merino, average sized or otherwise. Well, it'd be hard to tell because it could be a normal sized merino. It's really close. Or, yeah'd be hard to tell because it could be a normal-sized merino. It's really close. It's really close.

Or, yeah, it's a problem. That's what happens when you approach the big merino. You're driving and you're going, that sheep is just... We're not arriving there yet. I don't understand it. And then you go, oh, God, actually. It's an enormous sheep. Smedley looks at you and he says,

So fucking tired. Good masters, what do you think of poor Tom's work? It's very nice. Very good paint work. Do you paint from your mind's eye or is this a place nearby? An excellent question, Halfman. Please just stop calling me that. Also, like, I get it.

Halfman, poor Tom sees. Halfman half what, I guess is what I'm saying. He sees and he paints. He sees from the dream, the dream that was once his, the dream that was to be his final moment but was denied him. I bought the shoes and everything, and they wouldn't let me take them back. These terrible secrets,

these beautiful nightmares, poor Tom sees what he can and he transcribes to paper what he must. What size were they? I'm sorry, what? The shoes!

I'm wearing them now. Well, what size are you? You're mostly indoors now. Seven and a half. I'm sort of an eight. Do you think I could fit into them? Well, what size are you? You're mostly indoors now. Seven and a half. I'm sort of an eight. Do you think I could fit into them? Maybe, yeah. What kind?

Oh, those are nice. Yeah, no, because I thought I was going to be the herald. Yeah, they're very fat. Would you? Yes. The ghost light wood. Yes. What's the predominant species of tree?

Whitewood. Now, if I recognize words... Whitewood was the kind in the painting, I believe, which he labeled... That's why I know it's a word. Not because I saw it. Brilliant, Backshield. Brilliant.

I never would have thought of that. You'll make a dragon friend yet. We'll see. It's more of a political cartoon than a painting. Because everything's labeled. Anyway. LaCroix, see that the carriage is strapped up, I want to say. The carriage is strapped up? Buckled to say. The carriage is strapped up?

Buckled in. You know when you put the horse and you attach it to the carriage. What are you talking about? We need to go to the ghost white wood. We ride for the ghost white wood. Both of course. And he claps his hands twice and some of his footmen scurry away. And at that point you hear bells ringing and he goes,

Ah, a guest. A what? A guest? At our very door? Yes. Well, answer it, LaCroix. Ah, yes, sorry. I've just been so busy arranging carriages,

getting your vagrant all the things that he likes. How's the pelican hat coming along? I made a sort of Airbnb. The pelican hat, the finest haberdashers in all of Waterdeep are doing something different because I don't think that's what haberdashers In all of Waterdeep Are doing something different Because I don't think that's what haberdashers do Milliners was the thing I was thinking of No, milliners are wigs

No, milliners are hats Wiggers make wigs Anyway, I'm on it Quit boasting and answer the door, LaCroix He does Are some of you going to go with him to the door? Me Yeah, let's split go with him to the door? Me. Yeah, let's split.

Yeah, let's go. Let's go to the door. And as you go, he puts a hand. He says, half man do not live. There is still so much to tell you. Wait, just... LaCroix says that? No, no.

Was that Smedley or LaCroix? That was Smedley. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I was just trying out a voice. So Filge and Bobby stay with Smedley, and Bastogne and Banknote go to the door with Lecroix. OK, great. Bastogne and Banknote go up to the door and we'll start with you.

So you quickly make your way upstairs and as you do, two footmen open the doors to the great hall and inside walks the figure of commander of the town watch, Percival Boggins. Ah, Duke Lecroix, I have an edict to hand you. No, no, no, no. Who is it? He's never seen Bastogne.

And he doesn't know Bobby. And I'm in there. And Bobby's downstairs. It's Banknote. He does recognise Lion Shield Banknote. Ha ha! Boggins! We meet again.

How did you escape that fire that we didn't start? We meet again. How did you escape that fire that we didn't start? The fire, the death toll of which sadly rises by the... Now the tomb confirmed dead, your dukeness. Dirty experience points. There has been a mistake. I'm sorry. I am so happy to announce that I am unburdened of my responsibility to be the Duke.

I just have a cause and effect question. Okay. Just say some of these people who died had kids. No. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. Move along. Sorry.

Just leaving that hate crime hanging in the air. Boggins doesn't quite know what to do, and he hands LaCroix the edict. But LaCroix is like, there's this, I am no, I'm sorry, Percival, I have, how you say, rescinded my duties. My charter is filled. This is your new lord. And he gestures to Bastogne.

Well, I don't have the coin on me but my friends it'd be I'm the boss I have taken a statement from a witness of the fire here and he hands you the edit LaCroix as the acting duke I don't touch things

my dukiness it's fine I'll read it for you ah yes banknote. My magician will do it. I've never been so insulted in my life. Um, well, so I

guess taking on that persona, he goes ha ha ha ha, please look into my eyes as I read this. Oh, I'm so sorry, Percival. I'm truly sorry. Could you read this? Of course I can.

What does it say? I mean, it's all the way over there. I can't read it. A very poor eyesight, I've decided suddenly. Look, I didn't... Why are you bullying this poor man? It says here that you've got... you're under arrest, it says. What?

Wait, I'm under arrest? No, no, no. You? Be clear, man. It didn't even say that. It says he has the glimmering. Yeah, but it says arrest... Can you read?

I'll tell you what. I spent too many semesters not going to class at university not to be able to read no I thought it said Arrest this man because he's got the glimmering Arrest this man he has the glimmering

so what are you going to do it's not my call but Percival do you know why do you know why the person who wrote this who wrote this note well of course

it was a very regal lord who wrote that note, and I think he may have been... Lord William Ascot. Confused. LeCroy, you know what? I think I should probably just take this and go. Look, why don't you come in? I'm sure there's some leftovers from lunch.

There was a lovely cheese course and then a meat course. That's the kind of life we live in here. So Baston wouldn't know that it was Bobby in disguise who wrote the note. No, he wouldn't. So only banknote would know. Only banknote knows. So you have just seen an edict that says the bearer of this note has the glimmering and must be arrested. And it's written, you recognise, in Bobby Pancakes' handwriting.

And I don't feel confident arresting someone without the coin. So I'm like, come on in. I want to show you some new we just set up a studio downstairs. You're going to love it.

I feel like this probably needs a check. The Duke is, LaCroix, back me up here. Yes. Is or is not the Duke downstairs?

Uh, yes, the Duke is downstairs. LeCroy wouldn't lie, he's French. Come on, come on. Of course, yes, if that is your wish, I will... And as you wander downstairs, we cut downstairs, and Smedley is hard at work, and he says, you see, just as in my dreams, every time I pass into that beautiful dream, I see them clear as day.

Tell us something new. I feel like I've been giving you a lot of new information. Really? What? How do you come into this dream? Is it normal sleep style or something else? Are we talking opium here? Yeah.

Portum, any dreams. All roads lead to the glimmering dream. If I pass out, I can see such visions. Such visions I could show you. Show us. You said there was so much to tell. Do tell. Well, I'm painting.

Well, what's on the painting? Look at it! We look at the painting. We look at the painting. Can I do... I'm going to do an arcana check on the painting. You're going to do an arcana check. I'm going to do an investigation check.

Yeah. Filch. Yeah. Can I? Yes, you can. I'm checking for cannas. Yeah, all right. Make a...

Yep, yep. Make a little check. You rolled a for canners. Yeah, all right. Make a little check. You rolled a five, which becomes a four. The painting is magical, and it shows you what your heart desires. Oh, a big burger. Good one. Filch wants a big burger right after lunch. Yeah, that fish soup was not filling.

Needed more carbs. Wait, is this real? It shows you her heart's desire? No. Do your check. Do your check. Do your investigate. Yeah, that's a 15.

So he's got a 15 investigation on the... Okay, you look at it and you see that the painting, as I said, white wood trees, a copse of white wood trees burning, a gate that seems to be locked. But another thing that you notice is that the paints and pigments have a kind of powerful opiate in them. These are the paints that he's requested, obviously, the ones that he's familiar with.

And it seems like in strong enough quantities that they would induce a trance-like state. Let's lick some paints, baby! We've got to get in the mind of the thing. I'll do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you do that, where did you send LaCroix to get these paints?

Where did LaCroix send out for these paints? From the Perfumers, Tinctures and Pigments Guild. Oh. Ascot's Guild, which still operates in Waterdeep. Where did LaCroix send out for these paints? From the Perfumers, Tinctures and Pigments Guild. Oh. Ascot's Guild, which still operates in Waterdeep. Wasn't there a carriage being readied for us to go to the ward, though? There is, yeah. It's still being readied.

And at that point, LaCroix arrives down and he's like, well, here is the Duke, as you requested, Mr. Bastogne. Dukes! I present Inspector Boggins. He's mad. Is that a whisper or a stage whisper? I think it was meant to be a whisper, but it comes out as, he's mad.

I drop to the floor. As is your learned response to his presence. No, because he'll recognise me as the rug. You're also the duke. Yeah. You keep forgetting you're the duke. Hey Boggins, meet your new flatmate, Smedley. You guys

I like usher him in. I pull Filge out. I grab one of the paintings. We're going to the woods. You grab which one of the paintings? The one that he's working on. Do we want the paint, though? Well, it's on the painting. Okay, great. We're just going to go to the forest and lick a painting. We want him to keep

painting. Yeah, we want him to keep painting and we want to go to the woods. Okay, I'm just going to grab a tube of paint, then. Okay, you grab a tube of paint. Yeah, me and Bobby getting into the forest to lick paint. Wait, not both of us should lick it. One of us should just have something else. A controlled substance? Yeah.

Bags on. I'll lick the paint. And Boggins is like Well why have you Are you You're going now? Hey you're an inspector right? Yeah Try and get as much information

Out of this guy as possible We'll be back shortly And you head off to Yeah Alright So are you all going? Waterboarding's fine I heard it's not really torture

Anyway My friend Dick Cheney Told me that. After he shot me in the face while we were hunting. Hello, I'm a joke from probably 2006. Yeah, between the prestige gear and your Dick Cheney gear, this is real so fresh summer of 2006. All right, so we take the carriage, we all go in the carriage. Everyone's coming? Yeah. All right,, so. We take the carriage.

We all go in the carriage. Everyone's coming. Yeah. Alright, so you head off into the carriage and the night is starting to get dark and you are all heading to the ghost land.

It's night time. Well, as I said, it's a few hours ride out of Daggerford so it'll be night, start to get night time by the time you get to the ghost land.

Yeah, let's do it. What's the, on this map, the scale? Yeah, we need a scale, Dave. You didn't put a scale on the map. I'm doing the best Light Wood. Yeah, let's do it. What's the, on this map, the scale? Yeah, we need a scale, Dave. You didn't put a scale on the map. I'm doing the best I can.

Yeah, you're doing good. You make your way to the Ghost Light Wood. Nobody is, everybody just leaves Boggins in the house with LaCroix. No, we lock him

in the cage. What? It's a nice cage. We locked him in the nice cage. What does he do? Oh. He's probably,

they're probably chatting. Yeah. He just said, oh. So you just kept quietly walk out, lock the doors and head upstairs. I very clearly said I pushed him in there and shut the door behind. He did say that, yeah. And Boggins is there and he's kind of trying to make conversation. He's like, have you read any good books lately?

Because I certainly have done that with the ability that I possess to do so. Okay. And clatter, clatter, clatter, clatter. And as I said, night begins to fall and soon you find yourself riding into the ghost-like wood. What was once a mighty woods but through sustained forestry

is now shrinking into a kind of small decorative woods just by the small outpost of vantage overlooking the lizard marshes at the very outskirts of your territory as the Duke of Daggerford. And as I said, it's a small wood, primarily white wood, and soon the trail ends and you will need to disembark from your carriage and the night is getting quite dark indeed. All right, let's unhitch the horses and take them with us though, I think.

Oh. It's quite, it's the white wood grows quite tight so you won't be able to ride a horse into it. In like a thatchy kind of thickets. Then maybe let's tie up the carriage so it doesn't, so the horses don't drop.

We've got a driver, right? Yeah, you do. Oh, it's his name. Or her name. No, didn't we send him to... You said Buttons Lee? Oh, we sent Buttons Lee to... This is Buttons Worth.

Hello! You're a likely lad. I'm nine years old. But I can tell you're good with horses. Just hang here for a while. We'll do. All right. you're good with horses. Just hang here for a while. We'll do. All right.

So we're looking for a stone gate. Yes? Look, we've got to lick this paint. We've got to get in the mindset of the artist. Okay, Filch. Filchy. We've got to do it. I'm going to do it.

Should I do it? Because I feel like he keeps on telling me that I'm the one who has the connection. I'm the one who keeps talking about. Look, he's clearly talked about Casilda. He's talked about the connection across the plains. Carcosa. All right. Look, I'm under no... Sometimes you've got to eat some paint.

Or as Simon likes to think of it, wall candy. Fortunately, I carry a toothbrush around with me And so I put a dribble of paint on the toothbrush and I just start Yes? Before you ingest that paint that is undoubtedly quite poisonous As a sort of alchemist type, would you like me to do a little bit of a check on it Just to see if it's going to kill you Hey dude, I died in space already. And with that, you just

chow down? I'm going to brush my teeth with the paint. He brushes it on. Alright, excellent. Okay. Get up in those gums. Bobby, as I said, as the night begins dark, you take a torch that was hanging on the side and you find a small clearing

in the woods. At that point, Bobby pulls out the tube, puts it on a toothbrush and then eats it. I brush it and massage it into my teeth and gums with the toothbrush. Ah, yes. Um, Bobby... The famously bio-absorbent teeth. The gums though.

No, the gums. Very, very much so. Bobby, your vision shrinks. The edges of your vision, the darkness at the edges of your vision grow and grow

as your vision shrinks down to a pinpoint. Okay, so he still could be dying. So don't get excited now. And then you catastrophically shit your pants.

But also you slump into... Ah, fish soup! ...into a cross-legged posture. And Bobby seems, as I said, he looks down deep into his chest and suddenly his head jolts upright and his mouth opens and he speaks with a voice that is not his own.

And he says, My friends, children of the dark lady, tonight we begin our great work. Last night I entered the glimmering dream, and she, in her mercy mercy showed me the way. Again I walked down the hill and along that rocky shore, and I saw the lover's gate, but the lock was broken through, and she was so proud of us, my friends. And I was shown the second gate.

It is our next trial, but we shall not let our lady down for tonight the white wood cops will burn and we will provide the means to open her second gate and when that burning gate is open, but five gates will remain, locking us

away from the moment of convergence when the city returns. But this time, when it returns, we shall bind it to this world, and this time, her will will be done. But perhaps, my friends,

I speak too freely, and Bobby tilts his head. For there is a quality here. I sense it. Uncertainty? Fear? A stranger? A soul perhaps not of our order who glares in from the outside? Could it be Smedley? How did you find your way back here, friend? Be careful what doors you open. You never know what might come crawling through.

And at that point, Bobby, your head snaps back and you vomit all over yourself. A dark and Icarus bile that pours down over your shirt. And he starts to vomit compulsively you're ruining your shirt you snap back at that moment of consciousness and the vial sort of falls down you into a puddle on the ground it's so gross and in that moment you realize that you saw something you were taken to a dark room a basement where you saw a figure of 12 figures in hoods standing around a central figure in a white robe. You couldn't see their face.

Pancakes! That voice! Whose voice was it? I don't know. But we have to stop. And at that moment, you realize that the bile on the ground is growing and forming into a figure. Oh.

Kill it! Yeah, get out. I ready my maul. What? What do you mean kill it? We just met it. We can't. So it's large and serpentine and lithe

and it forms into the figure of a bodak and at that moment, it attacks you and we go into initiative order, which we already have. So bank note, you go first. So as I said, this is a dark this is kind of a dark

this is a dark toxic figure. It has a sort of death mask on it and it's covered in dripping ichor. And it's like snake shaped? It's serpentine but it's humanoid. So you would say that even though it is kind of a made out of goo and kind of mobile, it is different to Flubber.

It is both Flubber-esque, and yet it is somehow more sinister. Sure. Is this like a Flubber snake centaur? It's a sloth serpentine figure that looks like a human with a death mask, and it's made out of goo. And at that point, because you're all talking so much, it attacks. What are you going to do? Dave, I've been waiting for this for three fucking episodes.

Iron Shield Banknote pulls out his very canonical anti-matter rifle. Yes! Handy! I'm just going to take a handful of dice, Dad. Now, talk us through how you managed to get this, because... No, he got it because I told him he could take any items from D&D Beyond. Well, that's on fucking you! Make for me an attack roll.

I'm going to even be generous and say that you have proficiency in anti-matter rifles. So it's the armour class of 15. I do it here. Oh, yeah, that's what he looks like. That's a 10 and a 6, so that's 16. Why are you rolling two dice? Because I wanted to. It's an anti-matter rifle.

All right, you're emptying the clip. Yeah, I'm going to pump this guy. All right, they give you advantage. So a 16 beats it, and the Bodak takes 8d6 worth of damage. Yes. Eight. That's so many. All right.

So it's five. Three is eight. Plus six is 14. Plus two is 16. Plus four is 20. Plus six is 26 damage. All right. So it's not dead, but it reels back as you fire at it with an incredible.

Sorry. Oh, yeah. Five and three is eight so it's 34. 34. It reels back in pain but it is not dead as you fire your incredibly

anachronistically anachronistic rifle at it. And the next I'm going to slash the shit out of my sword. Bam. What's the time of class? 15.

You missed. No, I hit with one. You rolled a 10. What is Yeah, I got plus eight. Four. I got a magical long sword bitch out my way. Ten damage. You rolled a ten. What is... Yeah, I got plus eight. Four. I got a magical longsword, bitch. Out my way.

Ten damage. Slash, slash. Don't forget I got four attacks. Here I come again. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Hit with one of those. Seven. Another seven damage.

All right. Slash, slash, slash, slash, slash. Fifty up. Fifty one. All right, great. Bobby Pancakes, you're up next. You have disadvantage because you're poisoned and ill, but you're still here.

Okay. I am going to use my moon-touch sword. It's a short sword. Have you drawn this sword yet? No. I did it like two seasons ago. You found this sword last season, the beginning of last season.

So you pull it up and you've become attuned to it over the time that you've held it, but you've never drawn it to this point. At this point, you realize it is a plus two short sword, but it is also moon-touched. And that means that as an action, you can make the moon's light shine from it.

Uh, yeah, okay, I'll do that. For romance. So you are a werewolf. You are a lycanthrope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, so you... Hey! In darkness. You make it. You can attack with it this turn, but next turn you will turn into Robert Pancakes,

your werewolf alter ego. Okay, yep. So that's a... Fifteen. It's a one. It's a one. You drop the sword, but already the transformation is taking place.

Next up is you, Filch. I am furious that he made that slippery little sucker made my friend vomit. Okay. Are you going into a rage? Yes, I am Alright congratulations With advantage two attacks

Great and I'm going to use my vicious flail Yep Oh that's a critical That's double damage I forget what to do Are you going to roll that for me? Do you want me to? Yes.

Okay. So that is... 1d8 plus 4. So that's going to become 2d8 plus 8. Yes. So you do 14. You do 22 points of damage. Hachi machi.

That goo boy's looking sad. Let's point out that that is almost as much as Hing did with a rifle that he bullied me into giving him. The Bodak attacks next, and it looks at you, Baston, with his withering gaze. Make for me, quickly, a DC 13 constitution saving throw. Stop looking at me like that. I fail the test.

I roll a four. You take 4D10. No, I don't want it. Stop. It's my body. Stop it. Necrotic damage. So you take 5, 13, 22.

You take 32 points of damage. Ouchy, wowchies. And then it slashes at you, Filge, with its melee attack. Plus 5 to hit. And what's your armor class? Because it rolls a 16. 14. So that's going to hit you as well,

and it hits you for... another eight points of damage. All right. Okay, it's quickly. It's up to you against Magnite. I am going... Your rifle is now out of ammunition because you emptied it in the last round Perhaps forever

To be honest you can reload it if you remembered it D&D Beyond to get ammunition for that rifle I have a bag of a thousand ball bearings Can I just put Jenner's jam name into it? Why don't you try? Ball bearings

anti-matter You forgot to get ammo, didn't you try? Ball bearings, antimatter, what's the difference? You forgot to get ammo, didn't you? I fucking yes. It's out of ammunition. Fuck. Okay, okay. Well, that'll be another quest for another day. How sickly looking is the snake?

It's getting quite damaged. I am going to then run at it with wearing the glove I still have. Yep. And I'm going to try and grasp its neck and then shock it. Great. Shock and grasp.

So that is a nine plus five is 14. 14. It misses. Dang it. And the next up is you, Baston. Okay. I'm going to slash it

with my long sword of Baston and Druvich. Hits. One of them hits. Does 10 damage. And then with my slashy scimitar of speed, two hits. And then it does 17.

Okay, and bearing the name sword of Sergei Andrirovich, Barovian-born, Baston flenses the bodak into pieces. The ichor falls to the ground, the grass corroded as it collapses back into goo and the way is clear again. And you, again, for you, Friso, that is a milestone. Sorry, for you, Lion Shield,

that is a milestone that will get you to level three. Ha ha ha! Oh, they're just giving away levels now. Good work. Am I a werewolf now? Yeah, I suppose you are now for the rest of the night, Robert Pancakes, werewolf and jazz aficionado. Oh man, I threw up on myself.

What? One of you was a werewolf the whole time? What the? Who are you people? What's going on here? And now you can see further into the woods what seems to be figures in the distance. My keen smell leads me to believe there's figures in the distance.

You do have keen sense of smell, so make for me quickly a perception check. Yeah, okay, you all saw pancakes with your increased smell. You smell that there are four humanoid figures just beyond this copse of woods. Copse, trees, copse? Yeah, that's right. Cope? No.

Back yourself. You were right. Cope? No. Dave, believe in yourself. Do we ever doubt you? Yeah. I don't know where you got all this self-negativity from.

And beyond that copse of woods, you can smell that there are four figures. Okay. Okay. Maybe 40 feet away. Let's sneak up on them. Yeah. Let's surround them. And I sort of motion for the crew to sort of circle around.

Like, those two go around to the left, and Bastion and I will go to the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pinsir, pinsir movement. Yeah, yeah. Okay, everybody who's being part of this, who's sneaking into Vision, make for me a stealth check. Tell me if anybody gets underneath 13.

I got a six. Oh, no, it's 13 plus two is 15. I'm good. Okay, cool. And I will actually give you advantage because Bobby has already told you that there's something there. All right, 18. And I will actually give you advantage because Bobby has already told you that there's something there. All right, 18.

So you're fine. You all sneak through the tree line and you can see four figures and they're standing at a crude altar of stones and wood that they've assembled and you see that they are pulling out of barrels and crates these four figures in dark robes

with hoods covering their faces, rows and rows of small, tall bottles with a green, tarry fluid in them that you recognise as alchemists' fire. And are they like the dudes from the dream that I didn't see? Well, that's an interesting question, Bastogne. Bobby Pancakes, you recognise these figures that are dressed similarly to the dream that you saw.

But all of you recognise that in the chest of their robes they have an embroidered knot with nine points, a gnarled knot that you've seen again and again and again. And they are putting these vials, they are not opening them, but they are placing clusters of these small vials at the foot of large white tree oaks that are all around. And how well lit is it?

One of them is holding a torch. It's only one of them. So when they put down the alchemist's fire and go to the next spot, that area is shrouded in darkness? That's correct, but they've already seeded about 12 trees. Would you call it a dragon huddle?

Can we do one of those? I think we're all... It's just a huddle, but fine. Okay, then. You have to earn a dragon huddle. Just a quick huddle. Do we think that we want to set fire to this or not? No, we don't.

This will open the gate. Yeah, it's like a connection. Wait, so no fire? We're sure on no fire? Fire bad. Okay, because at level three, I do get something called a flamethrower turret. No, no, no, no, no. something called a flamethrower turret. No, no, no, no, no.

You get a flamethrower turret? Dude, it's fucking real, yeah. I get to pick a turret, an arcane turret. I can have a flamethrower one, a force ballista or a defender. Like a little minion to some. Oh, like a little ambulatory, like in Team Fortress. You have like a little turret gun. Yeah, I guess I would name it.

Like a Roomba. Yeah. Yeah, and this time, Dave, my minion is going to respect me. All right, so while you've been walking, ignoring you out of a small pouch, Banknote has been assembling things out of a sort of crude metallic Meccano set. And he constructs a little thing.

And while you're talking, he takes a small jeweler's wrench and he tightens a lug nut. And two bejeweled sapphire eyes blink open. And Eden, why don't you play his new familiar? Why am I here? Oh God, the pain of living. Hey, I don't know if this is too... I've got a name for the thing I just thought of. Oh yeah?

What do you guys reckon of Bushu Ditu? Does that change the voice? Bushu Ditu. Why am I here? The pain of leaving. Ha ha! Hello there. I made you out of twigs and also a Mikado set.

But why would you give life to this hideous form? What is my possible purpose? Well, don't, whatever you do, don't set fire to those things over there. But my hands are on fire. I appear to be a moving, flame-throwing Roomba of some kind. You're new to this world. You'll need to learn to control your powers.

So just go set fire to those ones over there. Not this stuff. Go over that way and set fire to that stuff over there. What are you pointing at? Don't fire.'t fire away away away from the vials why would you create him to do nothing i'm just because maybe it'll be a distraction maybe they'll run towards the fight they're gonna know that it's good they're gonna know that fire is dangerous they'll be like oh it's happening we'll go over there to check that out and while they're doing doing that... They'll run towards the fire. The Shepard fire.

So Bushu D2 scurries off into the forest. What are the rest of you going to do? Bobby, Robert's going to start in the shadows grabbing the Arkham Aspire. Make for me a stealth check. Yeah, me too, me too. Big enough. Stealthier.

All right, great. Oh, wait, I got pretty good. Do I still have the same sort of stealth that I had? Yeah, yeah, no. So you both start, you clean up half the trees each. You clean up three trees each. I'm going to bamf up to one of the hooded figures and slit their throat. Both of them? Yeah. You've got to get below 96. All right, it's 42. Can I see that?

Yeah. You've got to get below 96. All right, it's 42. So you bamf up behind the biggest... I want it real quiet. ...who... Make for me an attack with advantage. Yay!

That's a critical hit. Critical. You roll a hit to 27. Nice! Nice, bro! That's a critical hit. Up you roll, heaps of 27. Nice. As you gather up as many of the small vials as you can, and you put about 10 vials each in your pockets, Filge holds onto this small amulet of the Black Stull, bamfs up behind one of the four cultists,

and then incredibly violently slits his throat and he falls to the ground. The other three have not noticed yet, but they will notice very soon. Can I put on his hood? Absolutely. Absolutely. So you scurry into the clothes.

Yeah. You pull the outfit off and you recognise a face that you've seen already. It is the face of Eddie Wick, one of the two sergeants that was working for Percival Boggins, the head of the watch. Yeah. The other three have not noticed you. You have a second more act if you want. And I've been very generous because you have stripped a corpse and put its robe on.

It's very tight. It's like a fucking Michael Hill one Asian T-shirt. It's just very snug. I'm just going to go up to Eddie and go, oh, give me... He's dead on the ground. You killed him. Oh, Eddie's dead. Yeah, you slit his throat, dude.

Okay, well, I'm going to go up to one of the other guys. You slit his throat? Yeah, why not? I was going to talk to him, but that's a much better idea. Make another attack. Do I get advantage on this one as well? Yes, he hasn't seen you. Oh.

Oh. That's advantage with a nine. Your attack bonus is plus. Okay, so it's not your magic flail, so it's only plus five. Fourteen is enough because they're not wearing armor, so you get behind your magic flail, so it's only plus five. Fourteen is enough, because they're not wearing armour, so you get behind him, and he screams in pain. He's not dead, but arterial blood gushes from his neck, and the three of them spin around, and we go into combat, I guess.

So, again, you're the first one up. How many people are left? Just one guy? Just three, but one of them is half dead. All right. Banknote is going to do a running charge and try and shocking grasp one of these dudes again. Great. Make an attack.

So that is an answer for... Nope. Best on. So there's two guys. Can I... There's three guys and one's spouting arterial blood. How many do you think I could kill in a round? Show me.

Okay. Spitting bird. So, yeah. I'm just going to go in. I'm going to kill... Are there two close together? Mm-hmm. Okay.

I'm going to attack them both at the same time. Great. One with each hand. Okay. So I'll attack Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm going to attack them both at the same time. Great, great. One with each hand. Okay, so I'll attack one guy first. Neither of those hit. Wait, what's their armor class? Only 12.

Yeah, fucking hit with both. Losers. Pew, pew. I do 12 damage to one and the other guy. I come in with my other hand. I hit with both and a 20. 20 full. 20.

10. Yeah, thank you. Come on, guys. Which is 20. 20 full. 20. 10. Yeah, thank you. Come on, guys. Which is doubled. Yeah, so I do 10. I do 14. You decapitate one of the cultists. The other one is in incredible pain.

Two of them are now very wounded. And at that point, a werewolf bursts through the trees. Yep. So I'm going to do a dual attack, a biting attack, and a claw attack. Sneak attack as well, because they haven't seen you yet. So what's that with them? Twins! Oh, it's a twin.

All right. Don't even roll. Robert Pancakes dives through the tree line, ripping one of their necks open. Only one of them is left alive. And he turns around and screams in pain. And he says, it is the will of the lady. We will not be forgotten. And he stabs, slashes at you.

Banknote but misses. And it's banknote. It's your turn. I'm going to – he stabs, slashes at you. Banknote but misses. And it's Banknote, it's your turn. I'm going to... He's quite injured, right? Yes. I think I'm... Well, because I'm good. And he's suffering, Dave.

Who do you think is watching? Probably Dave, I imagine. Stupid snitch, Dave. And Banknote is going to just peer over him and look into his eyes and be like, sleep now. And then freeze Ray his eyes. I thought you were... When you said sleep now, I thought you were going to cast the non-violent spell sleep.

But you're going to cast the cold damage violent spell... Heck of a way to go, I reckon. Yeah, cast Ray of Frost. Imagine the last thing you see before you die is just some cool shades. That's a 17. Alright, so you say...

I'll roll it for you. You say sleep now, and he looks intensely into the eyes of the cultist, and his sunglasses suddenly flip their pneumatic shields, and then a burst of undistilled necrotic frost goes through his eyeballs, with instantly hardened freeze and shatter in his eyes, shards entering his brain, and he screams for his mother as his last thought is one of pure, unbridled terror,

as his world is no more. And at that point, you have killed the last of the cultists before they could ignite the alchemist's fire at the base of the trees. Congratulations. Yes! Save the world, save the world. Point of order, Dave.

A cultist, that's probably more than a commoner, I imagine. That is correct. XP. No, that's correct. They're 100 XP each, so that is enough to get you to level four. No, no, no. I've 200 more to go. Oh, sorry, sorry.

No, no, you're right. I'm four-sixths of the way there. He's also got to split that XP four ways. He gets 100 from that. Yeah, you're right. Who the fuck could do that yourself? It is on. I spent a long time getting to level seven.

You're not going to waltz in here and just boom, level four in one session. I just want you to know, it is in your best interest for me to be more powerful. Don't tell me what I'm doing. At this point, while you're arguing, BushuD2 scuttles in and he goes, I have performed my primary function. And behind him you look and you see a fire burning through the whitewood trees that you have created as a diversion. And at that moment, in a moment of beautiful clarity, Robert Pancakes, you pull from a backpack the portrait that you had taken from the dungeons of Castle Daggerford

and you all, by the light of the burning whitewood, glare at the portrait and though half finished, you can see with a terrible clarity that a change has already been wrought somehow on this painting for what was once a closed and barred and locked gate is now open with burning whitewood trees all around it for the second of seven gates have been opened in five days the dark lady shall rise and on the side of the celestial convergence a dark and terrible future that shall rip this world asunder

will again be made manifest, and the Dragon Friends have little in their way. They're willing, or indeed, let's be honest, their ability to stop such a dark and terrible future, for this is their prophecy, this is their skill set. They are bad at their jobs. To find out what happens next, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends.

Thank you! Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and me, Michael Higg. Their Dungeon Master is Dave, Dungeon Dave Harmon, with voices from a man with at least three voices, Ben Jenkins. Tom Carty does our music, Shakira Khan designs our website and this episode was recorded at the Giant Dwarf Theatre in Redfern, Australia

and is edited, mixed and fixed by Hugh Guest. See you next time. Bye!