Dragon Friends - #5.05. Come for the Biscuits

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

With yet another completely coincidental fire nipping at their heels, the Dragon Friends head back to the most logical place for them to return to - A random unscripted town with a storied history of not being on fire. Philge and Baston are met with extremely unlikely circumstances with dire consequences, while Banknote casually flirts with an inadvisable number of fireball spells. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you know what I did on the long weekend? What Dave? This is true, this is 100% true and this is the first time I've done this in like about four years. I got some friends together and I played Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah! Well, I think the fundamental difference for me is I was just doing this and I was like, this is, I think I enjoy this. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray.

No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue, but it's true, that isn't the dragon way. And on the second night, the ghost light burned all around you. Copses of white wood, smoulders and bursts into flame. The ancient wood and sap sizzling and stinging.

What? Good start. Start again, start again, start again. Love this game, love this game. Stinging your nostrils Good start. Oh, no. Start again. Start again. Love this game. Love this game. Stinging your nostrils by the light of the... Stinging? I thought you were going to say...

That's a soft G. I thought you were going to say... Stinging. Stinging. I was trying to say both words simultaneously. I now realise. Yeah, portmanteau, stinging. By the light of the fire, you can just...

Saved you time in many ways. You can just see the bodies of the cultists you defeated. True, they meant you harm, but it seems unlikely they could harm you as much as this growing inferno. The burning wood represents more than just immediate danger. However, this too was foretold and in a roundabout kind of way. danger. However, this too was foretold and in a roundabout kind of way, the burning fire represents the second of seven prophecies that you have been working to frustrate. Prophecies connected to these cultists, a lost city and a strange affliction known as the glimmering that has swept through the town. The second prophecy saw the woods aflame and therefore I suppose it is a pity that you, Hing, through your alter ego Lion Shield banknote, decided to strap a flamethrower to a Roomba and send it off to burn the forest as part of a plan for something?

I believe it was a distraction. Those same flames are lapping nearer. Already they are creeping up on the clearing that you have taken shelter in. A clearing empty except for the four dragon friends, a wagon, three dead bodies, and approximately 60 small vials of highly explosive alchemist's fire that you have only just finished assembling into a small pile as the flames lap at the grass. We should take that alchemist's fire, shouldn't we? Yeah. Yeah.

It would be the safe thing to do. Now to transport it through this fire that we're surrounded by. Are we surrounded in all science? No, no, but you could probably still come back the way you came, but about three quarters around you. But if you take your time to pick up the vials, you're going to have to move very quickly. Oh, how many can I pick up and still make like a tree and leaf?

So you just want to cram? If you want to just cram your pocket spoon? Yeah, just like grab a couple handfuls. Just leave the rest? Because the forest's burning, you know, what's a little more fire on the fire? Yeah, how much more on fire can it get? Sure, well, if you want, you can all take, say,

four vials each and make your way out. You don't have to, by the way. No, you all think it's a good idea? Excellent. I'm not going to leave good vials. What if we need to burn something shortly? All right, is there anything else you want to do? Is the burning of the copse of trees, is anything happening?

Is there anything? We know that the gate's supposed to open. Can I roll an investigation check and see if anything Is anything happening? Is there anything? We know that the gate's supposed to open. Can I roll an investigation check and see if anything is actually happening? No, this is just mundane fire. You saw the portrait that you had taken with you from Thomas Smedley's studio that

foretold this, and that painting has altered in a kind of Dorian Gray fashion. It now shows the gate open, but other than that, there's nothing else. Nothing's come through? No. So if it's in a Dorian Gray fashion, it now shows the gate open, but other than that there's nothing else. Nothing's come through? No. So if it's in a Dorian Grey fashion, does that mean the real gate is even more closed? I suppose you can just wait five days and find

out. So we're in the Blightwood now? The Ghostlight. We're in the Ghostlightwood. Down here. Ghostlightwood. By that small town, Vantage. Yes. Shall we? Ha ha!

Should we go to Vantage and check it out? It is a... My understanding is it's a local kinship where we can make a surprise, perhaps. On another note, it's not on fire. Yes, that's actually the town's motto. It's on all their number plates. I've seen the tourism campaign. Vantage, come for the biscuits.

Stay, because it's not on fire. Sure. Are you going to walk? Are you leaving Buttonsworth in your carriage? Oh, no. We'll take the carriage. Yeah, we're going to run back to where we left the carriage, get on the carriage, drive the carriage to Vantage.

Okay, great. Do we need to go through the fire to get to the carriage? No, you can probably loop around it. But as you circle around without anybody to tell anyone in the town that it's happening, the fire continues to burn out of control. You know what I might do then? I might throw on the old blue shades. Are you going to stop this forest fire with a level zero cantrip?

Level three, please. No, it is a level zero cantrip? Level three, please. He can try. No, it is a level zero. Yes. Go for it. So, Vlachil, back note, puts on his shades, and he looks at the fire real intently, and then he...

Ooh, that is a 10 plus 5 is 15? A 15? 15. 15? That's a spell attack against the fire. Yeah. Yeah. All right, okay.

Do you want to roll damage for the fire? Oh, yeah, go ahead. Ooh, it's a five. It's a five, all right. Lion Shield's banknote, illuminated by the fire, backlit heroically. So stand back, and he pulls out his artificer goggles, and he stares intently,

and the goggles actually fog up before a small nozzle fires coolant at a smouldering mushroom and almost puts it out. Then he turns and says, yeah, but where'd the coolant come from? Ah, young mushroom, you live to see another day. Yeah, you can take the mushroom if you want.

It's been saved from the fire. Yeah, fucking Yeah, you can take the mushroom if you want. It's been saved from the fire. Yeah, fucking yeah, I'll take the mushroom. Should I do a check on the mushroom, Dave? What are you talking about? Well, it could be poisonous. Arcana check, arcana. Arcana check? Save it for the magic mushroom.

Please, a survival check, a survival check. A survival check. Oh, I rolled a two for the arcana, so I don't know if it's magical or not. No, no, that's the check, that's the check. And then I'll roll it. No, I rolled a two for the arcana, so I don't know if it's magical or not. No, no, that's the check. That's the check. And then I'll roll it. No, you rolled a two. Thank you.

The mushroom, look, it is a powerful mushroom that prevents poison. You have an unerring sensation that you're sure that this type of mushroom is a cure for most common types of poison. Ha! I cannot wait to give it to one of you when you are poisoned.

Dave, what time of day is it, do I, or night? If you remember, it was getting close to night. It's now dark proper. Sun has set. And we're a few hours from the castle anyway, so let's go to Vantage, see if we can stay in an inn or something, or camp, find a nice camp. Vantage, as you would know, Bobby, because you're from here,

is a small hamlet. It's about 40 farmers. It's called Vantage because it sits on the cliffs above the lizard marshes, and it's the last human settlement before the lizard marshes. Okay. A quick question about my magic sword

that turns me into a werewolf. Yes. Do I just click it off and I stop being a werewolf? No, you'll be a werewolf until dawn. Oh, okay. Okay. So you're going to show up in a town. Just so I understand, for me, for my benefit,

your plan is that you're going to take the carriage and a werewolf and go to a small town that you've never been to after setting fire to their woods. Also, you're going to take one, two, three, 16 vials of explosives. And a mushroom. This generally seems like a good idea to me. Yeah, great, do it. Your tone is mocking.

Yeah. I've not actually detected any logical problems with this. Okay, but just what I'm going to do is... A hell monster eats you. Get back to the carriage. I'm going to take a length of the leather that connects the horse to the thing and make a... Dress me up like a doggie.

Put a leash around my neck so somebody can... And a collar? Yeah, someone can walk me. This is very demeaning, dude. I like it. Don't yuck my yum. Bunsworth, who has not seen Bobby transform, is somewhat nonplussed when you come back with a werewolf on a leash.

Oh, that's a big dog. Oh, gosh. I remembered that voice because it was awful. Oh, hi, guys. Hey, there's a big dog. Oh, gosh. I remembered that voice. Yeah? Because it was awful. Oh, hi, guys. Hey, there's a big fire. Yeah, we're going to get out of here. Go to Vantage. Oh, yeah, great idea.

Oh, Vantage. Come because it's not on fire. Come for the biscuits. Come for the biscuits. Stay because it's not on fire. Yeah, that's what it was Do you have a Buttersworth? Yes

Do you have access to some sort of pigeon? Or perhaps some sort of messaging system? Yeah, I've got a pigeon in the back Could you alert the fire chief the recently promoted Crawford, do you know Crawford?

The pelican? The pelican? The pelican that was a glass at the pub? Yes, you know this man. He's now the fire chief of the entirety of Dagenford. Oh, no. Please alert fire chief Crawford of this new fire the dragon dukes have created. Did you say created? Found, found, found.

Because the first thing you said was created. And so how is he going to get this message? I have a pigeon in the back. All right. It's the latest model of car phone. And then the pigeon's like It's a living nose It doesn't say it does it

Only one bird says that Only one bird talks And it's crawfed So he grabs a bird Cannon In the back of the carriage And I could do a good pigeon nose

If you'd like me to go Go Oh that's alright I could do a good magpie What's the bird that goes Like that sounds disappointed At the end that goes Ah Ah Ah Oh, I could do a good magpie. What's the bird that goes, like, that sounds disappointed at the end, that goes, ah, ah, ah? Crow. Ah.

What's that one? Vantage. That's a jewel. That's an osprey that I bred with a puppy Small rustic home Amongst the cliffs of the lizard marshes Vantage, home to 45 souls Mostly, let's be honest Lumberjacks, whose entire livelihood

Is earned In the ghost light woods Oh, brother Where it's white woods are Did you say there's 45 people in here? is earned in the Ghost Light Woods. Oh, brother. Where it's white woods are... Did you say there's 45 people in here? Oh, God. No, why are you putting times? You don't get experience for making a comment at destitute.

This is... What game do you think we are playing? It's a long game. No, but he'll die eventually from loss of income. I've got to say, he wrote the number 45 down and then he put a multiplication sign and that was terrifying. I'm just keeping count of 45

and then we'll see what happens. But 45 is a baseline. When you arrive in Vantage, you find that the entire community is in uproar. A bell is ringing on the hill and already farmers and lumberjacks are forming a bucket chain perilously down into the marshes to try and winch water up. And in a... Are the buckets just coming up full of lizards? water up and in a Are the buckets just coming up full of lizards?

Mr. Pancakes, what do you know of these lizard marshes? Rhyme and rog, I can't say anything. Oh, yeah, sorry. Robert, Robert, my good man. I'm pretending to be a rog. I can't say anything. Wait, did I go up here as well? Yes, you did. I know

something. In fact, Bobby didn't, to be honest. We're very good at our own story. How does this work? Do I just say whatever I want? Make a history check for me first. Okey dokey. That could really sum up the entire show. I just say whatever I want. I got a

four minus one, three please. So you got three, so yeah, I guess you make up whatever you want. Okay. So, long, long time ago, there was one big lizard and he chopped himself up. Into one hundred little lizards

and they live in this marsh now. Oh. Yeah. I guess that would work because, I think that would work because as you know, lizards when you cut their tails off, they grow back. So if you cut a lizard into 100 little pieces, 100 lizards would grow. Yeah, but only that piece of the lizard. So like, there's only like lizard toes or lizard eyeballs.

It's a mess. It's a mess. It's a mess! While you're having this conversation, the bucket chain is struggling against the cliff face. A member of the local garrison, in a very similar uniform to the town watch at Daggerford, sort of wanders up and says, you've just come from the Ghostlight Woods.

What's happened? It looks like it's all on fire. Very, very good observation. It is. And continues to be. Out of our way. So the bucket chain's struggling? Yeah, they're struggling.

I'm going to leave my fire capsules in the carriage because I don't want to blow anyone up. And I'm going to jump on top of the carriage. I'm going to do a big billow with my cloak of billowing and be like, Stand back! I'm good with buckets. And I'm going to charge down and help them with the bucket chain.

I'm going to get so good at buckets I'm not even going to join the chain. I'm just going to be my own chain. You're just going to climb down to the... So when you say you're not going to join the chain you're just going to climb down the cliff face get a single bucket of water

and climb back up. Make for me an athletics check. What a silly idea. DC 14. Yeah, that was a one. It was a one. It was a one. Bastogne dives headfirst into the lizard marshes

and the guard continues to address you and says... So hang on, he says, stand back and then just swan dives into the lizard marshes. And to their credit, nobody moves to intercede. Your coach, my lady, that's the livery of the Ducal Castle. Have you come to help? We have. We've already begun.

Wait, is that the help? That's one of them. Do you have a very big bucket? Like a cauldron? Bigger than all the others Yes, I have a plan also Give me your biggest bucket that I could carry I'm very strong In the dining halls there's a big cauldron

But I would have to take several men off the bucket chain to go get it. How long will it take? I don't know. Five, ten minutes? Worth it. Get me the cauldron. Rory, Baker, go get the cauldron. Wait, was one of you guys called Bacon? Yeah, Rory

and Bacon. Okay, just checking. I guess we've got time to kill. What's your name? Sweet Meats. Sweet Meats? Yeah. Well, very sweet to meet you, Sweet Meats. You see, I have no notes for this, so...

Rory and Bacon. Your default, your panic button is breakfast! Rory and Bacon... Like, Rory was such a good normal name and then straight away Bacon. It's just Dave getting stopped by the cops. What's your name, son? The Omelette!

Rory and Bacon leave the bucket chain. Soft egg! Soft egg! And suddenly without direction, feeling the sense that there's somebody here and they've got to be on top of things, the bucket chain kind of falters and sort of... What's your job, son?

Toast soldier! And they sort of mill around. And we... And we cut to you, Bastard. I know we've derailed. You know how after Game of Thrones was this big thing, there was this influx of children called Daenerys and whatever? What's happened in your life in the last week, Dave?

Have you discovered bacon? You're like, I should name a thing after that. Okay, okay, Dave. Go to Bastard. I'm in the swamp. I'm in the swamp. You wake up because you give yourself a mild concussion and you find yourself lying.

Wait. Was it a shallow swamp that I dove into? Actually, also you take... Lizards live there, fam. Six points of damage. Dave. Yeah, do a spine check. I'm down to seven hit points.

Oh, yeah, you haven't healed. I got burnt by that slug yesterday. And as you lie in the muck, realising at this moment that you didn't bring a bucket with you, you see two feet just in front of you with scaled talons

and as you look up them you see crude, ragged pants and a lizard folk, a member of the lizard folk. Oh boy. Are there people around me? Can I hear? No. I'm quite alone. Oh, dear.

They were going to a spring that was built into the side of the cliff. You dived over the cliff, in through the mist. Yes. No one can see you. I dived off a cliff? That was brave. Wow. Okay, I'm going to say, you, water fellow,

summon your people. There is a fire that needs wetting and you are wet. He looks at you and he pokes you with a spear. Follow me. You're lying on the ground in the mud. Okay, well, I stand up.

So he's speaking in draconic. Do you speak draconic? No. I speak abyssal. So you're going to have to make yourself understood. Okay, how am I going to charades this? This will be good for the podcast. Okay, how am I going to charades this?

This will be good for the podcast. Oh, I kind of flap my arms and do wavy arms for water. And then I do spirit arms for fire. And then I point... At the fire? Can he see the fire? Yeah, I guess he can see the red glow. Yeah, I'm like, oh, you. Oh, fire.

Huh? With a thumbs up. And then you give him a thumbs up. And then you give him a thumbs up. I make a charisma check for you with disadvantage because you don't speak. Oh, massively. Okay, I got plus two. Is this persuasion?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Disadvantage, 15. That's pretty good. Oh! And the lizard folk looks at you, and he points at what you realise is sort of a vine rope ladder that's leading back up the way he came.

Oh, cool, cool, cool. Okay, so I'm going to go and climb up and start to climb and then look back to see if he's following me. He looks like he's waiting for permission. From who? I'm going to give him a wave. All right, yeah. You rolled high, so he's following me. He looks like he's waiting for permission. From who? I'm going to give him a wave. All right, yeah. You rolled high, so he's sort of confused,

and he walks, he goes up the ladder with you. What's he wearing? Yay, I made a friend. What's he got on? It's just sort of, he's wearing rags and a little bit of armour as well. And what language do, is it lizard tongue? He said draconic.

Draconic. Ah, Friso spoke draconic. Draconic. Ah, Friso spoke draconic. Meanwhile, at the top, sort of huffing and panting, Rory and Bacon return, and they're hauling a

cauldron, and Sweetmeats is like, thank God you showed up. I've got to say, I'm just the apprentice watchman. Normally, we get support from the city, but there's a panic because apparently the commander's gone missing. So I'm out here by myself. Oh. Oh, Commander Boggins? We wouldn't know anything about that.

Yes, Commander of the Daggerford Watch. Oh, I wonder where he is. Oh, it's a lovely time. You could do it. Well, I have. We have the cauldron for you. So what's the plan? Oh, okay.

Hear me plan, but in the time, I've been thinking about it. I'm going to bamf into the water with the cauldron and then bamf back, you know, to wet the fire more. Okay, the cauldron is empty. That's why I'm bamfing into the marsh and then bamfing into the fire. All right. Sound logic. So you're going to just wet yourself

and then wring yourself out of the cauldron? No, no, no, I'm holding the cauldron. Oh, I see. Can I take stuff with me when I bamf? You can take stuff, yeah. Last time she couldn't take Bastogne. She took a person. A person and an't take Bastogne. I was wrong. A person and an object are different.

Anything that you can carry. So you need to do a couple of things for me one after another. Okay. First of all, I need you to make a strength check. The cauldron took two men to carry, so it's going to be hard. It's going to be DC 18. I'm worth more than two men. Against your athletics.

What's your athletics? Seven. 17. But what about with extra trying and wanting it to work? Take an advantage. Roll one more time. Extra trying. Just because I want to see this play out.

Yes. 17. There you go. There you go. You've got to really want it. And the reason that I'm letting you do that is a few other things you have to do. I've also been making the skull easier for you. Now I need to make a DC-16 constitution to not be affected by the skull.

Isn't it this funny one? No. That's in case you run into them. What's three? That's not very good. So you succeed in bamfing down into the water. Sploosh. And although it hurts your hands, and in fact you strain yourself and take D6 points of damage,

you manage to bring the cauldron with you. Great. Ooh. What's the thing that happens with this black magic? I'm just rolling. I rolled a 96. Uh-oh. Oh, that's good numbers.

Nearly 100%. Yeah. Give it to me, Dad. You become petrified. Oh, no. Like wood or like scared? No, you turnrified. Oh, no. Like wood or like scared? No, you turn to stone. Oh, dear.

In water? Oh, no, that's the worst place for that to happen. Inside a cauldron inside water. No, she's holding the cauldron. Yes, okay, yeah. What a lovely bird bath. So at that moment, you're climbing up Bastogne and the lizard man is following you,

and then blink behind you. You turn around and you see a statue of Filge holding a cauldron. What are the odds? I guess I keep... Is it sinking or is it just sitting there? It's sinking slowly into the marsh. Oh, boy. Because it's very heavy.

Because I feel like, dumb as Bastogne is, he would probably just keep climbing. But is there something that wriggles inside him? Oh, my strong intelligence is negative one. It's easy, DC 10. Can you say something that wriggled inside him? Oh, 20. Wow.

Bastogne, you look at the statue and something does tweak inside your beautiful, simple, smooth brain. That's so good. Inside his brain there's no folds. It's just smooth. It's beautiful. And you have a thought and you go, I remember last season,

Bilge got an amulet of the black skull. I wonder if she's used it too many times, turned to stone, I remember last season Bilge got an amulet of the black skull. I wonder if she's used it too many times, turned to stone, and can now only be brought back to life with a greater restoration spell or similar scroll. You did roll a 20. Wow, all that.

You know when you surprise yourself? You're like, wow. I'm really absorbing some stuff. Okay, well, I guess I want to slide down that rope ladder. Just slide down it. You bump into the lizard man and he goes... No, but I want to slide...

I want to slide down him so I go... From the lizard guy's perspective, what's happened is you've turned around and waved him up and then as soon as he started climbing, you've just pranked him and slid down the ladder and just arse to face smacked him in the head. Specifically, I want to slide down so I squeeze between him and the ladder.

And he's attached to my back and keeps sliding down with me. But he doesn't know that's what you want to do. But if I roll good, then maybe it'll happen. Again, again, that could be a model of the show. Make a dexterity check. Okay, all right. DC 20. Okay, here we go.

I get a plus to this. Acrobatics or just dexterity? Do it into that. I'll let you do athletics or acrobatics. Dice cam, Aiden. Okay, plus five. Oh, dice cam. Wait, where's the dark?

Okay, here we go. Oh. No, no. That is an eight. That is an eight. Okay, six. Oh, no, sorry. It's worse.

That's a six. Oh, that's worse than eight. You hit the lizard man and you both fall into the marsh again and take another 2d6 of hit points of damage. Oh, I go down to minus one. Oh, no. You start to die. Okay.

All right. Now, you did say it was very foggy, but can we see what's happening from the top of it? Right. Hing! You're up! That is up! This is a real fuck-a-sucker ding-dong episode.

Bobby can't do anything. He's on a leash being held by buttonsworth. Well, dude... All you had to do was go home. Oh, go home. Vantage, that small farming community that has claimed so many adventurers. Okay.

The fire is now beginning to lap at the outskirts of the hamlet as the fire unchecked because you stopped the bucket chain. Oh, no, our town motto. The hamlet as the fire unchecked because you stopped the bucket chain. Oh no, that's our motto! The hamlet is now... There's a sign underneath that says come if the biscuit's on fire and it's slowly starting to get on fire. But you're okay

because you sent message to the fire warden except, oh wait, you fired him and replaced him with a talking pelican you like. He's doing great. I've got faith. Oh boy. Okay, so did Phil...

If only the commander of the watch could help you. A man who is missing because you locked him downstairs for no reason. Dave, leadership is hard. Give us a break. Do you think this is what Obama had to deal with when he was president?

Specifically a talking pelican? Yes. Moment of truth. Lion Shield banknote, your two years of not going to college And not finishing Artificer skill Have led you here to this moment What do you do?

Okay, so did Filch announce her plan before she did it? No Oh, hang on No, Filch, sorry Filch did, Bastogne didn't Okay, yeah, because Bastogne just said Look out, I'll stand aside And then jumped over

So I guess I guess Lion Shield would know The Bastogne's down there and she was going to bamf. So I think he's going to call on the turret. Bushu D2.

Bushu D2. Yes. Okay. I'm going to equip my frost glasses to boost you D2. Okay. Your cantrip, your level zero cantrip. Yep.

That's cool. No, and then... Actually, no, but yeah, that's not an artillerist ability. He's just a flamethrower. Flamethrower, force ballista, defender. Yeah, but I'm going to MacGyver it. You're going to Robot Wars him. I'm going to Robot Wars him.

Have you seen the show? Do they have Robot Wars advantage? On a short rest, you could infuse him with something. But that would take about two hours. Dang it. Alright, well, looks like we are going hell for leather. What I've got to do is... Look, Blindshell Banknote would realise

that the only way for him to save his friends is to get more powerful. Oh no! Hang on, I think... King has the floor. Go on. Okay, so Dave, you said that I could take any...

At the start, you let me choose anything I wanted from D&D Beyond. Yes, once. And one of the things I chose was the Necklace of Fireballs. Yes, this is true. Which I had to roll D6 plus 3 to get the amount of fireballs I have on it. Yes, that's correct. So I've got 7 fireballs.

So this is a Necklace of Small Beads, and if you throw them, they cast the fireball spell. Yes, plus I've got my 4 Vials of Fire. Yes. And I'm going to get my four vials of fire. Yes. And I'm going to get Baston's four that he left behind. Oh, in the carriage. Yes. Right, so that is eight levels of fire.

What's a level of fire? You can't just say things. I've got seven fireballs with eight vials of fire, right? What? No, stop making that noise. I'm sorry, I appreciate your help. You ever heard that expression when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail? But also, just a reminder that the water activates the fire in the vials

and our friends are in the water. Ah, fuck, you're right. Damn it! Yeah, maybe just dial back from the precipice of genocide which you're moving towards. Sound advice. I think at this point Robert just sort of stands up loosens the collar.

Buttonsworth looks amazed. Oh my god, a standing dog! Hey, when you loosen the collar was like this. I think looks amazed. Oh my god, a standing dog! Hey, when you loosen the collar it was like this. I think he just scarpers down the cliff and just heads down to see what's going on because clearly something's gone wrong. Okay, great. Make for that climbing check for me.

That's an 8 plus acrobatics. That's a... 15. It's alphabetical. You explode. You scarper down and you see now a very angry injured lizard man with three other lizard men with spears have pinned, like carefully surrounding Bastogne who is unconscious in the mud by the water next to a statue of Bilge holding a cauldron.

Am I out of the water? No, you are now up to your waist. Oh, boy. Okay, so do I still have the magic that I have? Yep. Yeah, you have all your spells. Okay, so I'm going to use Mage Hand to start trying to haul Filge out. Mage Hand can only carry 10 pounds.

Even a werewolf Mage Hand? Make it 15. What if he really wants it bad? Yeah. Okay, how far away am I from Filch? Sorry? How far away am I? Filch is, you're about 30 feet away.

30 feet away. Yeah. So I guess I wade in towards her. Tell me when I can stop doing things. They haven't noticed you. They're kind of at the moment focusing. There's mist everywhere. So I'm going to remove the length of reins from my neck

that I was using and try and lasso it around the Filge section. Okay, this will be your action. That's a 16. Okay, great. You managed to tie your leash around Filge's midsection. While you're doing this, banknote. Okay. Lion's Shield banknote is going to get the 50 feet of rope he has.

Yes. And he's going to wander to the side of the cliff. How deep is the cliff? I said that it was 2D6, so that would mean that it's... Like 12 feet or something? No, like about 25 feet. 25 feet. Okay, so great.

So he's going to loop it half and put half of it down. And then he's going to tie it in half. So it's 25 and 25 feet. Loop it down so that there's a sort of a hoist winch across a branch down to those guys. See, isn't that nicer than murder? So that if they get the... Ah! Ah! Robert! Robert, my good man! If you tie the statue and Bastogne to that,

then you can pull it down and winch them up to me. OK, suddenly all the lizard men hear the commotion, they turn, they see the banknote, because the mist is starting to clear because of the fire, and he's pointing, and they turn around their heads and they notice you for the first time. They spin and they point their spears at you. Oh, looks like they've noticed you.

Sorry about that. I, uh, oh, hey, look over here. Oh, no, no, back over here. Look over here. Oh, what's a distraction check? That's so nice, Frieza would never do that. Roll the five. Do I distract them, Dave? Two of them peel up and they start advancing on Bobby.

That's fine. That's a bonus action. You've just been talking. You still have your action. Okay. In which case, what's the range of Ray of Frost? 60 feet. They're only 25 feet away.

All right. Let's spell it out. I get fireballed significantly more if you want. When in doubt. But if you burn the mark. No, no. You're trying to trick me because my friends are down there.'s spell it. I get fireballed significantly more if you want. When in doubt. But if you burn the mark... No, no, you're trying to trick me because my friends are down there. I get it. Actually, before I roll, how many XP points do I get for killing...

It doesn't matter. Alright, so I've rolled a 9 plus 5 is 14. Okay, so you cast your cantrip at one of the lizard men. And 14 hits. What's the range of that spell? 60 feet. It's 3 damage. But I mean the cone of it, does it freeze the swamp around?

No, I think it's just a ray. It does, but it's a very small effect. It's not very powerful ice magic. So I'm just trying to get that. Ice magic? Oh boy, let's talk about that for a while. Wow. How does it go so hard? Tap, tap, tap. Do you think Americans have it? or do you think only Australians?

Tell you what, Americans, if you are listening to this and you have a sauce that you put on ice cream that sets as if by eldritch forces, do get in contact with us on the Dragon Huddle Facebook page. Interlude over. Passed on. Make a death check. Oh, but I don't...

So what, this constitution? You've got to roll 11 or higher. That's a six. You start to die. You take... No! Can somebody just flip me over? I am literally face down in a swamp here.

The two living men are approaching you. Okay, is there anything that I can tether? Yeah, there's an old wooden stump of a tree. Okay, so I'll do that. I'll tether it. So Filch hopefully won't sink any further. Okay, that's going to force you. That means that they'll be able to make it to you,

even though they're moving quite slowly. Okay. So you're sacrificing your ability to escape. Yep. Great, you tie Filch to the tree, and Filch stops sinking. Okay, great. Nice.

The two, however they get to you, and they stab at you with their spears, and one of them actually hits you. Okay, great. The two, however they get to you, and they stab at you with their spears and one of them actually hits you for D8 plus two, six points of damage. The other two are content to just leave you in the muck, but they're keeping their spears on you, but they don't stab you any further. Even unconscious, they fear me.

What is the range of cure wounds? Does that help? It's touch I am then I've got a thing here called False life Can I cast it? Do you not know what any of your spells do?

I just picked the ones That had a cool name Why don't you cast the spell and I'll tell you what it does I'm going to You know what? Fuck it, no. I'm going to... Because you said that, I know it's a trick.

Poor Hing, everything's a trick. All right, then I'm going to use the Longstrider Cantrip and give myself speed, so I can run down into the swamp. You know the fastest way down. Baston's already shown you. No, but then I'll take damage. And I think I've only got like fucking five. You have just draped a rope over the...

I'm going to tell you to suck it. So tie... Robert. Tie. Use the ladder. Tie Baston by the feet. Not by the neck. By the feet.

To the rope. And then I'll winch him up. He's currently fighting lizards. Yeah, kind of got my hands full. Alright, fine. If only there was some other way down. Like a ladder. Oh, the ladder.

Fuck, alright. Good work, everybody. Racing down the ladder. Lionshield Banknote, you quickly land. Can I just say, D&D's harder than real life because in real life, you don't remember the ladder. Lion's shield, banknote. You quickly land. Can I just say, D&D's harder than real life. Because in real life, you don't remember the ladder because you can see the ladder. But memorising...

Oh, fucking hell. And you drop down in front of Bastogne. Placing yourself literally in harm's way between Bastogne and the two lizard men. There's lion's shield, banknote. Yeah. Demounce. You will run away from me because I'm a scary artificer.

Do you have any way to make yourself more scary? That's it? Hello there, good sir. You look like a likely fellow. Might I shake your hand? I'm going to offer a handshake to one of the fucking lizards. This is so convoluted.

Okay, make a... Oh, it's fine. It's a high five. Is that better? No, you do it. A high five is much better. Thank you. Make a charisma check with disadvantage.

Oh, that's an 18 and that's a six. Oh, fuck. Okay, disadvantage. He leaves you hanging on the high five. Oh, charisma's an 18 and that's a 6. Oh, fuck. Okay, disadvantage. He leaves you hanging on the high five. Oh, charisma. Charisma's plus 5. So that's 11. Then fine.

One of them confused, holding a spear, sensing the moment is theirs, offers you a high five. I'm going to punch him in the nuts with my hand then. That doesn't require a high five. I know, but his hand's up so he can't. That doesn't require a high five. I know, but his hand's up so he can't, he can't, his hand's in the air

so he can't block the punch, obviously. I hear that. Take advantage. There you go. There, treat yourself.

Alright, so that's a 14. 14. Plus five is 19. Are you just using your normal fists? No, I'm using the shocking grasp. Why don't you just cast shocking grasp? All right, fine.

No, yes, yes. We're trying to give it some flavor, Dave. All right, all right. So that's eight plus five is 13 damage. Yes, okay, you do 13 damage to the lizard man that was already hurt, and he jumps back from you. And the other one lunges at you with his spear, shocked, and he hits you.

For a d8 plus 2. Oh, you were not doing well already. So are these the ones that were near me? No, these are the two that were near Bastion. For 5 hit points of damage. Okay. What are you on here? Down to 6, baby! Your turn. Bobby's turn. So there's 2...

There's 4, but there's 3 now. One's running off. So how many Name me One, two, two Okay I'm going to How close together are they? Within five feet of each other

How tall am I? Well you could Hit them both at the same time Okay Yeah You're a big wolf boy A big wolf boy So I'm going to go

And bite one of them That one's too big One of them on the, it's too big. One of them on the throat and get the other one with my sword. Okay, cool. That's a three. Okay, the bite misses and the sword? Now do your sword.

That's a four. Spicy. All right, that's a go. Can you smooch one of them on the neck? Yeah. Yeah, you lunge and seem to try to kiss one of them, and it looks at you confused, and then there is no more time.

At this point, they are with you, and their spears are now... Your back is to the trunk of the trees, and they are holding their spears against you. Another one has got poor line shield banknote almost up against the cliff face. Let's make one more death save for me, Baston. What do I have to get? You need to get 11.

Yeah, do I get my constitution, though? No, this is a death save. Oh, I failed that one, too. So you are... Baston is now one... I'm on death's door. Death save away from death. And at that point, you hear a loud blast of a horn.

Oh. It's actually... It's a horn of blasting, so it causes... That's a thing, that's a real thing. Like a powerful fart? It causes all of the mist, flies away, and you can see at the top of the clip three figures.

Two of them you do not know, but one is a silhouette you would recognise anywhere, which is holding the horn, the shape of Le Croix Pomplamoose with a horn in his hand and the lizard men hearing the horn scatter as ropes are coiled down the cliff face. Uh, hello.

Pomplamoose. Hello there. Have you brought Crawford? Ha ha ha, hello there. Have you brought Crawford? He is currently detained, putting out the fire, which he is doing very well. He has a real mind for tactics and is coordinating the brigade splendidly. We seem to have found ourselves in something of a pickle. One of us, if you remember Filge, she was the orc She's turned herself into stone

As I see And is this Monsieur Bastogne? Yes, he's dead I mean, none of this is good It's horrifying And I know it looks bad because I've survived But I want you to know I'm a good boy. Well, I was certainly not suspicious until you just said, I'm a good boy.

Bobby says, I'm a good boy too. Oh, oh, have you met Robert? He's a wolf. He's just a regular wolf that talks. Is that Master Pancakes? Oh, did you know? Is that cool? Did you know?

I had my little suspicions Well, yes, it's me Well, I think there is no more time to lose Let's get this statuesque beauty Haha, little jerk from me Back to the castle. Let's tend to Bastogne's wounds. As you see, I am here in the nick of time. La Croix.

He claps twice and down the ropes skitter one priest of Ilmata and two of the guards of Daggerford. And they pull you out of the muck and stabilize you, Bastogne, quickly. While the priest pulls out a scroll that casts Greater Restoration on you and you come back immediately to life. But your necklace has fizzled out, unfortunately. Oh, I love that thing!

Give me another one! Have I taken any hit points out of all of this? No, you're as solid as a rock. Lovely. Hey, can I ask? Because I think the whole thing with D&D is if you fuck up, there are consequences and whatnot. I feel like if Eden just gets brought back to life,

and look, this is because you questioned... Stop pointing at me, Michael. No, this is because last episode... Just because you change hands on the microphone doesn't mean you're not pointing at me anymore. Just pointing with me, Michael. No, this is because last episode... Just because you change hands on the microphone doesn't mean you're not pointing at me anymore. Just pointing with the other hand. Last episode, when I was like, hey, can I level up, can I level up,

you got all antsy with me saying that I had to earn it. I want there to be consequences for Eden almost dying. Because it feels like you just swat in there and saved him. I hear what you're saying. Now, it's going to take a little... Can I get... consequences for Eden almost dying. Because it feels like you just swat in there and saved him. I hear what you're saying. Can I get... No, you can't have XP for my dying.

Oh, come on! I would not normally do this, but Hing has asked, so I will... That's a good point. So we have a cleric. We have guards coming down. The cleric needs to cast the spell. So we have non-medicine trained medics trying to stabilize you. So that is a simple DC 14 medicine check that they're going to have to do normally,

which means... Can I use my dice of inspiration? What dice of inspiration? For being so smart the other session. Oh, no, no, no. You're not doing it. Sorry. Oh, it's some other idiot.

Okay. It's Dave. So, first of all, I will you're not doing it. Sorry. Oh, it's some other idiot. Okay. It's Dave. So, first of all, I will let Yu-Hing roll. If you roll a 14 or higher... Trying to curse me. No! If you roll a 14 or higher, then Bastogne is stabilised. If you fail this, he has to roll a third death check.

No, I don't want to die, man. Ooh, it's a 19! Yeah! And Bastogne... So so does Bastard be like, ah, bank note. Yes. There was something I meant to tell you, but I've forgotten what it is.

All right, what are we doing? All right, you slowly, all of you... Wait, is that it? That's it? What do you... Will you only be happy if Eden's character... Slap him! I just...

I want something! He could have died! He could have, but he didn't! It's like... Every time fucking... He wants to do something And he fails And he gets He gets a fucking

He only has one hit point If you really want him to die Just throw a rock at him Or something You know what What I'm gonna cast Grease on the ladder

What But why Just Hang on You need to explain Why your character Is doing this I know

I know Michael's upset Because he doesn't I guess It would be to stop Because I understand You want consequences You want the world to change

Because of this Is that right? Well I just feel like Every time Things have to get harder Every time Friso fucked up It's like Oh he loses all of his shit

Or like You know Phil just to take his sword. You don't think that was deserved in some small regard? Yeah, it wasn't a fuck up. I understand. Oh, we're taking his fucking spell book for a season. Maston fails two death checks and suddenly you're like, oh, the clerics are going to fucking save him.

You are right in the sense that a dungeon master needs to establish consequences so that people fear failure. I hear what you're saying. You know what? I will stop my protest if I can have his sword because he's unconscious. No, you can't have my sword. What about just if he loses, his cloak is billowing? Let's see what Dave... So it takes a while for them to get you up the cliff face and you finally arrive.

And Pumplemoose is carefully getting you up on the cliff face, and he's like, my friends, it seems that I got here just in time. I don't understand what has happened. It's simple, really. Bobby? Well, you have one hit point, and your comatose is shivering,

and as you are pulled over the cliff face, it seems like the fire is finally starting to come under control and only some parts of Vantage have been burned. A few of the outlying buildings are gone and your carriage, which is still full of alchemist's fire, which explodes at that moment. And it destroys half of the town advantage and Friso, all of the equipment that Banknote has put on the carriage,

is gone. Oh, this is some fucking bullshit. So, you still have your turret. You have your necklace of fireballs. I'll let you even have your luck stone. But everything else that I gave you is destroyed. And Bastogne, you lose your cloak of billowing. No!

Oh, well. Slowly, painfully, trudging back to civilization, but without a carriage. That's like my anti-batter rifle. Without a carriage, without transportation, also Buttonsworth died, so you feel bad about that. The four of you, plus Pomplamoose and his two guards and priests, cut a sorry figure as you trudge down the road back towards your house. It is after midnight when you make it back to the manor,

and precious time has been lost. Some would say time that could have been used to stop this cult fritted away on a misadventure involving four lizard men, a statue, an unnecessary cauldron, and those poor meandering fools they call the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and me, Michael Higg.

Their Dungeon Master is Dave, Dungeon Dave Harmon, with voices from a man with at least three voices, Ben Jenkins. Tom Carty does our music, Shakira Khan designs our website, and this episode was recorded at the Giant Dwarf Theatre in Redfern, Australia, and is edited, mixed and fixed by Hugh Guest. See you next time. Bye.