Dragon Friends - #5.06. I Stabbed That Man Incredibly Well

Episode Date: July 4, 2019

After an incredibly consequential misadventure, the new Dukes return home to a fresh mystery of Wills and High Families. Baston reads his character sheet and Philge feels spurned by murderous cult members while Banknote faces extreme temptation and Stab-Happy lawyers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are going to take a 15-minute break and then we're going to hopefully do the first half of this adventure that I've prepared for tonight. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it through, that isn't the right way. So there were two gates. So there were two gates. The ghost-like wood was burning, and you hadn't successfully stopped it because of, ooh, lost in the concordant mysteries of the bullshit.

And then there were some lizard men. You turned to stone for a bit. Yeah. And Pomplamoose LaCroix saved you all. And 45 minutes later, the crowd is starting to turn against us. But in the game, you walk through the night.

Pomplamoose has a small white horse that he does not offer to share. What's its name? Cinnamon. Aww. that he does not offer to share. What's its name? Cinnamon. Aww. And the sun is beginning to just... Wasn't croissant day? ...rest the horizon.

It is about 5am. As weary, broken, and a little bit ashamed, you make your way across the threshold of Daggerford Castle. You are home. Pomplamoose. I'm again a jiggity jig. You can't help but feel that Pomplamoose

LaCroix is a little bit more cocky since he saved your arses at Vantage. Do not mention it. I am, to sort of knock some of the swagger out of him, I sort of got to him and was like, now listen here, and as the sun comes up, I shrink deck down to the size of Bobby. And Bobby is naked, of course, because he comes back.

You have like little pants. You have Hulk pants on. Yeah, I presume I'm wearing my Hulk pants. You've got to wear your Hulk pants. As Bobby shrinks back to a halfling. And for the first time, you will also see his torso. And where the dagger struck him in the House Eternal, there is a crystalline scar.

It looks like modelled rubies from his ribs all the way to his sternum. And it's as if blood had dried, crystallised, and formed into a kind of Ruby Gash. Ruby Gash is also my drag queen name. Friends, might I have a quick huddle with you all? A regular huddle? Yeah, a regular huddle. Go straight ahead. Oh, I'm a big huddle with you all? A regular huddle? Yeah, a regular huddle.

Go straight ahead. Oh, I'm a big fan of Adele. Hello. Do you want me to get cinnamon in here? It's not a huddle without cinnamon. I was thinking as you were walking, and I didn't say anything as we were walking back. I just kept my mouth shut. It's almost like no one spoke for those six hours.

I was thinking that, look, I've only known you for a couple of days, but in that time, you've burnt down most of the city. You burnt down a forest. You burnt down a forest. You turned to stone. You almost died, you're a fucking werewolf. Oi! Watch it. You're a

werewolf. Yeah. Which you can't help, but I was thinking, as the only person who recently has not almost died or been a wolf, and LaCroix, back me up on this.

Would it not be possible if I took over, say, the coin for a bit? Banknote, do you mean the Duke of Mark decides who is the Duke of Daggettford? Because I haven't had a go yet, and I feel like I was pretty useful in that last one. Oh, wait, wait. I remembered what I was going to say. I remembered I was going to say, as long as Banknote doesn't ask for the coin,

we should definitely give it to him. Because he's proven himself. That was the Ducal test, unfortunately. Okay, then. Ah, he's proved that he does not want it. Here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, here, here you go.

Yeah. Oh, it's the duke of coin. What I wanted to say is, banknote, you've proved yourself to be a sentient... Why are you laughing like that? Oh, nothing, just a sort of a feeling I had in my heart for a bit. Dragon huddle. Dragon huddle.

Very evil. Cinnamon. Yeah, cinnamon. Of course you're here, cinnamon. It's not a huddle without you. So it forms a smaller huddle that sort of tiptoes to the side. Cinnamon's like, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, maybe we could give him a probationary period. Wait, we've got to make sure that he doesn't send us to prison. Like how we always send everyone to prison. Yeah. I'm going to go on record as saying that this, Baston, is a terrible idea. Okay. Me got an idea. We let him be the Duke.

But we give him so many boring dukey duties. He just gets bogged down in paperwork. What's one less than Duke? Subduke? John. What? Subduke.

Dunce? Why? You think we make him a dunes? I don't know. It's his idea. No, I'm saying a regent. Duke regent. Let's give him a...

Wait, maybe we could set him some tasks and say if he completes all the tasks successfully, we'll give him... I mean, what's your vibe on Banknote anyway? Probably evil. Chaotic neutral? I don't know. Yeah.

Look, he did did I mean yes He set the forest on fire But we also did Yeah To be fair that was mostly him We basically had things under wraps We did set a town on fire But he was there too

But we set that pelican So evens out Look let's just go easy on ourselves We're new at this This isn't easy So even Zach. Look, let's just go easy on ourselves. We're new at this. This isn't easy. Let's just cut ourselves some slack, be nice to ourselves, and definitely not give him any more power than he needs.

What about if I go, hey, banknote, I give you this coin, but you can only make one wish on it. Let's just say there's a series of tests that we'll put him through and then we can make him do whatever we want. What about just juke for a day? 24 hour probationary juke. But how do we know

he's not going to change the rules and wish for more wishes? Okay. You've got to make a decision. So you had a few options there. Was it 24 hours? Is it jugal tests? Or is it regents?

24 hours and I'm holding the coin. 24 hours and it's over. Powers are done. Mage hand it back after 24 hours. Yeah, but no, he doesn't get to... I am taking the Ducal coin. Do you agree?

Bank note? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We have enough cinnamon. Cinnamon's a horse. He really doesn't care. But what do I get? Cinnamon is slowly eating your hair, Filch. Cinnamon's a horse He really doesn't care But what do I get Cinnamon What do I get

Is slowly eating Your hair Okay That's a yes from Cinnamon It's a good sign It's a good So Hing

This is the Ducal coin It means for the next 24 hours From 5am today Till 5am tomorrow You are the Duke of Daggerford Probation And I'm giving it to you

Now Lightning Crab You are the Duke of Daggerford. Probation, Harry. And I'm giving it to you... Now. Yeah! Lightning crashes over the... Okay, now. Look, we've... Stop making that moaning sound. Oh, I need a healer. I'm sicky baby.

I'm just a Baston sicky baby. Baston is at one hit point. He was carried on a stretcher between two of the guards. I give him a potion of healing. A potion of healing that I gave you for sticking up for me in the intro? Yes, that's right. That's right. Great.

Also, I want a priest summoned here, Duke. Please take care of me. Hang on, it's 2d8 plus 4. So you gain 10 hit points. I'm the people and the Duke works for the people. So you have to do what I say. I am benevolent. Yes, benevolent it is.

Poppleboose, fetch a cleric for every one of these former Dukes. But even the ones that are not sick? Check them out. I mean, look, any of these people will be harbouring horrible diseases which would make them unfit to reclaim the dukedom

in 24 hours or something. I don't know. I will fetch three of the finest clerics. Goodbye. And he does. And as he does, he turns around and he goes, also, by the way,

this, there is, he notices some letters on the mantelpiece. And he's like, ah, these must have arrived in your absence. As the Duke, I suppose. Excellent. I will, busy yourselves, I will go about my personal correspondence. So you're leaving the scene to do this by yourself? Well, no, I'll walk around with them, I guess.

But, you know, there's more stuff to do. So I can tell them what they'd let us say? Yeah, what they'd let us say. Okay, do you want to... One of them is stamped with a sigil of the town watch. Ooh. And you open it and it says, Inspector Percival Boggins,

commander of the town watch, failed to report for duty tonight and is missing. His wife has not seen him since this morning. The watch is conducting a search and in the meantime, Sergeant Lou Smythe has taken the mantle of interim commander if the Duke has no objections. Lou Smythe. Lou Smythe. You can send a reply if you want.

Let's summon Lou Smythe here. Okay. Lou Smythe is summoned to the... So you send out a runner to summon Loosemith, and the second letter. But who will take charge while Loosemith is in? The second letter is stamped with a personal seal of the House Truscott. Truscott.

It gives me no joy to report the passing of my client Randolph Hofferman of apparent natural causes in his Daggerford estate. In accordance with his final wishes, letters have been dispatched summoning his immediate family and named beneficiaries to Waterdeep, Baldur's Gate,

Barovia, and the Flotian estates. His will and testament will be executed at Rivershine Hall at noon. As a bequeathment has been left to the town of Daggerford, your grace is invited to attend. Elspeth Truscott, attorney at law.

So, King, almost giddy with the news that a man has died. No, I was sad for that bit. I was happy about the will. Yeah, love in a state cell. Which obviously is related to the death, but it's not the same thing. So this is from Elisabeth Truscott, who is a, in her early 50s, she's a notary and a solicitor in the money quarter.

What time of day is it? 5 a.m. And we're being summoned to where? To Rivershine Hall at noon Is that in the Flotian Estates? No, no, no, so she has sent runners to all of the family of this man that has died

Hofferman, and she has sent them she said to Waterdeep, Baldur's Gate, Barovia and the Flotian Estates Obviously we've got two things to do here. We need to find a new... We need to find a new leader of the City Watch. Yes, because he's obviously dead.

Well, no, because Luthsman's taken over. We don't know this man. We don't trust him. No, no, no. Let them play Dungeons & Dragons. Boggins is downstairs questioning the artist. We should see what he has recognized. Also, Boggins' underlings were in the forest setting the fires.

You saw Eddie Wick. Yeah, not Lou Smythe. You saw the upper one. We saw Eddie Wick down there. So we need to question him about that. I mean, should we not consolidate power? What do you mean? Well, I just think that if we're the Dukes,

maybe we should just nominally be the head of the City Watch as well. They haven't seen the letters. Are you showing, so you're sharing the letters? Yes. Are you giving the letters? Yeah, I'll share the information. So you pass the letter to Bobby. Bobby, make quickly for me a perception check.

That's 20, baby. 20. You notice, because you understand thieves can't, you see something on the envelope that suggests hidden messages. There's a symbol has been written. It looks like a smudge,

but you recognize it and it means that all is not what seems in the message. Which one is this? The letter from the solicitor. Oh. It would seem to me, any other information? Just that there is a secret message somewhere on this letter

that otherwise is written on a heavy, dark heavy card in a neat precise hand. Okay, I'm going to do an investigation check to see how I can decipher that. That's a 19. You notice also that the letter smells faintly of lemon juice. Oh, I hold it up to a light. Okay, you hold it to an oil... Don't you piss on it?

I piss on the lamp. Sorry, what's that back note? Sorry, do you hold it up to a lamp or do you piss on it? Because they will have dramatically different results. Yeah, I don't know. Go with your instincts. I'm going to hold it up to a light, hold it over

a sort of a warm... So there are oil lamps in the hallway? Alright, a message slowly reveals itself. Forgive the subterfuge, but I suspect foul play in Mr. Hoffman's death and cannot trust the watch or even my legal clerks. I suspect I am being followed wherever

I go. Please meet me at my legal clerks. I suspect I am being followed wherever I go. Please meet me at my offices tonight. E.T. Elisabeth Truscott. Hang on. I know we're derailing for a second, but that's not how you reveal. That's fucking Edith Blighton 101, baby. It's not with...

That's if you get stung by a stingray. Or a blue bottle. Or a blue bottle. No, so you think... So when I was in... This is a very triggering memory. When I was in year four, we wrote secret messages to each other.

As part of like a spy... We were reading some spy book or some shit. Obviously, yeah. And my friend Michael Garber wrote me, like we wrote lemon juice things, and then he told me that you were... And I went home

and I stood in the bathtub. Why did you... The bathtub? Well, because I didn't want to drop it into the toilet. That's smart. That's smart. I guess to drop it into the toilet. I didn't want to drop it into the toilet. That's smart. That's smart.

I guess I could have used the shower. I can certainly say... Before I was scared of the shower, Dave, if you must know. No, no, the shower was also an option. I just am very happy to say at this point I've reached, like, my mid-30s without ever pissing in my own bathtub. Oh, you simply must. You haven't lived.

Hey, Dave. It wasn't full. It was empty. But obviously I was nude. I didn't want to get pissed on my pants or anything. And I held the note and pissed on it. And then what happened? Nothing.

Did you think that your friend Michael Garbutt hadn't written you a message? Well, I went to school and it was like, hey, the message didn't work. And we were like, oh, I guess it doesn't work. But I now realise that one of the reasons I was probably on the low end of the pecking order for many years after that in my friendship circle... It's a real question of the sort of acidic alkaline spectrum, isn't it? Yeah, well, I realised one of the reasons I was sort of on the low end of the pecking order was because all my friends knew that I stood in a bathtub

and pissed on my own hands because they told me it would reveal a secret message. Look, let me tell you, if you want a year four Michael Hing to piss on his hands, you tell him it's spy work and he'll do it. A dark and austere...

Sorry, that was me. You told me I was supposed to come here and play music to a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. How come I've got to listen to that? I'm really sorry, we'll pay you double. Yeah, sorry, Tom. It'll come out of Hing's paycheck. A dark and austere terrace in the money quarter

forms the offices of the solicitor, Elisabeth Truscott. The building is, as I said, it's a sort of tall terrace in a dark street not far from the Hoffman Estates and the sun is still, it's nearby to where the castle is and the sun is... A bit warm. It's close by to Daggerford Castle, and it's only about 6am before you stand in front... And the streets are still mostly empty

as you stand in front of Elisabeth Truscott's offices. Wait, but she said in her note to meet her tonight. Yeah, but that was probably the letter... Do you know what? I wrote these notes, not assuming that you were going to meet her tonight. Yeah, but that was probably the letter came yesterday. Do you know what? I wrote these notes not assuming that you were going to go to Vantage for 12 fucking hours. Yeah. So what did we do all day? Meet her this morning.

We're going to meet her. She meant the previous night, so we're going to go straight away. Straight away. All right. So let's bang on the door and see if she's this way. Let's just knock on the doors politely. As you approach the door that you realize that it's been jimmied open. Jimmy.

So fucking stupid. Oh, I hope Jimmy's not inside. He sounds sneaky. Naughty boy. Okay. Oh, Jimmy. No. Okay, yep.

I was with your husband today and I asked him what's the word that means forcing a door open for thieves. And he assured me that Jimmy was... No, you're right. Yeah, you're right. It's just also a name. You can still trust my husband. It's okay.

He's nice. Sometimes verbs are names. Like, you know how when you make a mistake when you're speaking, it's called a Dave? Oh. You know when you piss on your hands speaking it's called a Dave? Yeah, when you piss on your hands it's called a Hing. Make for me a I want you to make for me a intelligence check with proficiency because of your thieves tools.

Okay, 15. You This is expert work. This has been done with a small crampon, like a Thebes small crowbar. And it's clear. You can actually see a tension wrench that was... The sign of a tension wrench damaging the lock. So it's clear that this is an expert job done hurriedly. Guys, this is good work.

This Jimmy is to be reckoned with. Should we sneak in or be noisy like usual? Hey. In the dim light, I will also say that you all see this. It doesn't need a roll. Most of the street, it's quite early, and Daggerford people famously get up quite late, but you can see that the building is dark,

but you can see flickering light on the second story that suggests an office facing the street. There's some kind of candle or lamp. And the town has stopped burning? This is Daggerford. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, it's not the money quarter. Where there was a...

Oh, it's a different place? It is the money quarter. It's singed. The money quarter's in... No, no, no, it's singed. Oh, because... We said the money quarter on fire.

Oh, I'm thinking of a different fire. It's the first fire we set. It's the wrong fire, yeah. This is another fire you caused. Now we're up to number three now, so it's hard to keep track. We call this fire prime. Yeah, no, the fire's out

because Crawford is, as we've discussed, a surprisingly efficient... I'm not surprised. Firewater. I put my faith in him from the get-go and I knew, you know, out because Crawford is, as we've discussed, a surprisingly efficient... I'm not surprised. I put my faith in him from the get-go and I knew, you know, sometimes you give people responsibility and they grow to fit the

shoes. Just back there grasping the coins. I have a staff of 20 and it's merit-based promotion. Well, don't forget to do some... What's the word when people have a harder life so you give them a little bit of extra push?

Reverse discrimination? Yeah, the good discrimination. Sure. Do some good discrimination. So you want me to hire... A bunch of birds? Yeah, a bunch of real bullied birds. A bunch of birds.

Don't just hire the birds with the big beaks. Hire the birds with the small beaks. Actually, we met a really good pigeon. We've written a letter of recommendation. I mean, of course, I'll do what you say, but most of my success has been on the basis that I hired the best firefighters in the land. And keep them, but just my recommendation as a friend. Why is Crawford here?

He's there, Ben. He's at the window, flapping at the window. You know, just hire a couple of birds with smaller beaks and teach them how to do it their own way. Like some admin finches. Hey, guys, I don't mean to interrupt, but last time we dilly-dallied visiting somebody in their house, they cast themselves off a balcony into traffic below. Yeah, I'm sneaking, I'm sneaking. Okay, bye, Crawford!

Bye! Oh, no. Do I ever roll to one again? Okay. Bastogne's cloak billows. He kicks it. No, it doesn't. No, it's not destroyed.

No, no, no. It billows normally. This is his normal boring cape that he got from the castle. And it only billows because he's running forward, kicks the door open, and he shouts, We the dragon friends are here. Oh, that wasn't stealthy. Or something like that.

What is it? Well, I was trying to be stealthy. I imagine I just tripped up the stairs and banged my head or something. Well, you walked in and said, stealthy! Sneaky, sneaky, sneak, sneak! I'm the stealthiest! You notice something as you come upstairs. You hear muffled voices, but the moment you bump your head, you hear silence.

And then you hear the unmistakable sound of blades being drawn upstairs. I'm going to fly kick the door. Okay, but the door is a flight of stairs up. Yeah, but I'm going to jump and... Make a dexterity check. Yeah, what could go wrong? Fourteen. That's enough.

All right. That's good. Gaston races up the stairs ahead of everybody, kicks the door open, and you see three figures, two of them with rapiers drawn and one of them standing behind a desk. It looks like they were studying the wall, inspecting the wall, but they're waiting for you.

And as soon as you kick the door open, because they know you're coming with advantage, they... No! 15 and... No, so 18. The one with the throwing dagger throws it at you, and it deals three damage,

but now I need you to make a constitution check for me. Okay, but before you do that, Dave, seeing as I have the... I have deflect missiles. Oh, my God. So I can roll a d10. I need a d10. And so that's a nine plus two plus three is 14.

So if the damage is less than 14, I catch it and I can throw it back at him. Okay. He's an idiot savant, but go for it. You missed. What's his armor class? His armor class is 12. What's with the thing? Yeah, look, let's be honest.

The five is probably a miss. No, so you miss. I miss. But you grab the throwing knife and you throw it into the wall. That's your turn. That's their turn and we go into combat. The rest of you are still outside the building. So the next up is the two with rapiers who race towards you, Baston.

And one of them hits you and actually manages to grab you and does nine points of damage. Oh, I'm back to two again. Oh, Jesus. So we haven't rested, have we? No. No, we didn't. No, didn't Lecroix get you all clerics? Oh, he got us all clerics.

Yeah, but he didn't come yet. He just went to get them and then we left. There are clerics waiting for them at Daggerford Castle. So, Bobby, you're up next. Well, I guess I'm going to go in the door. And I've heard a kerfuffle, so I'm going to go crossbow ready to go. Yep, so you race up the stairs and you see this scene that I described. Okay.

So there's just two dudes in there. Three, one of them with a brace of daggers on his chest So you race up the stairs and you see this scene that I described. Okay. So there's just two dudes in there. Three. One of them with a brace of daggers on his chest and some kind of applicator sewn into his wrist. Not sewn, strapped with leather. And the other two have rapiers. And they all are dressed in black and they all have scarves around their faces. So they're baddies, I assume. He didn't say yes, but I think it's a yes.

So I'm going to take the situation and go, that looks like throwing daggers. I'm going to shoot that man. Shoot that man. Shoot that man. That's a nine plus seven. 14. 14 is not.

16. 14? No, the armor class is actually, oh, for the dagger man, the dagger man has less armor. 14 is not. 16. Armor class 14? No, the armor class is actually... Oh, for the dagger man? The dagger man has less armor. 14 is enough. It's a 16, actually. 16 is definitely enough.

Okay. Yay. That's a 3-7 damage. All right, 7 damage. You hit him with one of your quarrels from your hand crossbow, and he spins out, and he snarls at you, and the next one up is you, Filch. I'm going to just charge in there with my maul

and whack whoever's closest. Well, that would be Bastogne. No, whack whoever of the baddies is closest. Great, that's one of the swashbucklers. Yeah. Ooh, swashbuckler's clue. The baddies is closest. Great, that's one of the swashbucklers.

Yeah. Ooh, swashbucklers clue. So I got a 13. Five plus, what is it, eight? With my extra. Yeah, right. And then... 13 is not enough for the two with the rapiers, unfortunately. And the next one up is you, Lion Shield.

I think I'm going to cast Alarm to alert the City Watch. Okay. They're needed to come and help out. So the Alarm can make a silent alarm for you or it can make the sound of a ringing bell. An audible alarm produces the sound of a handbell for 10 seconds within 60 feet. Yeah.

So I'm going to ring it out. Okay, 60 feet. Well, I don't know. How many metres are in a foot? Three feet is about a metre. It's about about the four houses around you will all hear that. So I could probably shout louder than that, couldn't I? Yeah.

Help! Help! That's your bonus action. Alarm is a... I mean, you're going to cast... No, shouting is a bonus action. So what do you a... I mean, you're going to cast... No, shouting is a bonus action. So what do you do next? Okay, I'm going to run in there. Because alarm takes a minute to cast.

All right. Fair, fair, fair. All right, I'm going to run in there and do the old high-five trick. All right. Don't mess with the classics. Looks like you found these people trying to foil your plan, but I'm on your side. Here, how's about it, man?

Give me a high five. Make a persuasion check. That's got to be a high DC. It's a disadvantage like always. DC. Oh, no. I'm just imagining he just puts his sword right through your head. Yeah, he does.

With his rapier, 1d8 plus 4 and that is 12 damage. What? Oh, you're only level 3, aren't you? Oh, fuck. Well, maybe you shouldn't charge into a room of armed people and try and high five them then. The Duke is dead. Long live the Duke. Looks like the Duke

is dead. Alright, the next up is the dagger one. We're just moving on. The the is dead. Alright, the next up is the dagger one. We're just moving on. The swash daggerer pulls out two more daggers, stabs them into this applicator,

this little sheaf, and he pulls them out and they're dripping with this black toxin. Oh no! Does he have disadvantage because I got him with a quarrel in the arm? No, unfortunately no. And he throws one of them at Does he have disadvantage because I got him with a quarrel in the arm? No, no, unfortunately no. And he throws one of them at you, Bastogne, and misses. And he throws one of them at you, Bobby. And he hits you for 21.

Can I do an uncanny dodge? No, not an uncanny dodge. That's for area of effect attacks. You can as a reaction, you can just try a normal dodge. Okay. Yeah, make a dexterity check. That's a area of effect You can as a reaction You can just try a normal dodge Okay Make a dexterity check That's a 12 plus Acrobatics Acrobatics

7 Alright I will say The last minute You managed to Dodge to the side And the dagger Using your bonus action

The dagger hits a tapestry That starts to smoulder And the next one up is Ah looks like that tapestry Is beginning to smoulder That's done So there's three dudes And Filch Is everyone in there And the next one up is... Ah, looks like that tapestry is beginning to smoulder. Bastard. So there's three dudes and Filch.

Is everyone in there ahead of me? Everyone's in there now. Yeah, look, I'm just going to try and slash the dagger boy up. You've got to get through the two swashbucklers. Okay, I'm going to buckle the swashy boys. Yep. What's their armor class? 17. One hit.

That's a crit. Doing 10 plus 17. And then I get... Oh, that's a hit. Oh, yeah. So many hits. That's three hits. Oh, yeah.

So good. And that's another 18. 35 damage. All right. Baston. Oh, yeah. Who is having a... Are you okay?

Yeah, I hope I don't die, though. Still on two hit points. Baston just descends on one of the swashbucklers and knocks him over the desk, stabbing, stabbing, stabbing blades and blood going everywhere. The next is the two swashbucklers. One of them, which is trying to fight back

at Bastogne, misses, and the other swashbuckler pulls out a dagger and now makes three attacks at you as well, Bastogne. What? And one hits, the dagger misses, but the multi-attack also misses. So you take D8 plus 4. Can you roll that for me?

No, no, no. I want to spend a key point to do a... Yeah, Dave, I've been studying on something. I'm going to spend it to take a dodge action. As a bonus action on my turn, I can spend a key point. Yeah. Defense. All right. Yep.

You also get a dodge action in that case. Okay. Oh, that's a three. You take nine points of damage. Oh, I'm unconscious again, guys. I'm down again. So bank, shield, banknote, and baston. You have second wind.

Oh, yeah, I do have second wind. That's good. I can't remember all of the rules, Dave. You were so cocky. Take your second wind, but while you do that, Filge, it's your go. Well, Filge is really mad because she's coming here fighting and no one has attacked her.

Like, I'm not good enough. You're going to go into a rage? Yeah. I'm furious. Okay, so angry at being neglected, you go into a rage? Yeah. I go into a rage with my, I'm going to do like with my maul in one hand and a flail in the other and I'm just going crazy.

Oh, that's for it. Your maul is a two-handed weapon. The flail's one-handed. But you have a javelin as well. Oh, wait. I'm just going to use the flail then. Okay, great. Three attacks. Miss, miss and hit.

Alright, one of them hits. Okay. Okay. Then I'll do this. Hang on, hang on. Advantage. These ones, because of the first time. So two of them hit.

Okay. Yep, so that's ten points. And that's a twelve. Alright, the one that was damaged actually dies. And the other two look unnerved. And the next one up is you. Lion shell banknote vomits, I guess. He's dying.

Oh, make a death save. Oh, fuck. 18. You're close to destabilizing. Eden, if I'm not fair about this, I really want you to speak up, okay? Okay. Yeah. Oh, that is fucking rich.

He passed the test, so the rule of the dice is the true rule. It's true. Of random number generation is our true god. Okay, the two of them are looking quite unnerved now, and the next one up is you, Bastogne. Surrender! And we'll only kill you slowly. I'm on one hit point.

I've just been like... I'll let you use up your action for an intimidate check if you want to. Intimidation. Okay, yep. Oh, yeah, okay. And you can take advantage because one of them has just died. Yeah, I just smashed him. You did a lot of damage.

19. 21. I'm quite intimidating. The two of them look at you and they go, this is not over. The lamp wick will return. He grabs his friend with the daggers and they both dive out of the window.

What? The who will return? The lampwick. The lampwick. Cool. Come porridge away! And the last two swashbucklers escape. Their friend, unfortunately, is on the ground dead. Not unfortunately.

I think good. But wait, do they take their friend with them out the window? They don't have time. They're fleeing. All right, let's check out this body. This is the dagger man. Is there anything else you guys want to do? No way.

Can I run to the window to see where they've gone? Okay, so you're going to use your action to race the window. Make for me a perception check. Oh, what do I... Oh, boy. Who could... What might happen? 17.

Great. You get the sense they're running towards the river quarter, possibly towards the Illustrated Man tavern. Good use of your action. Now, you. What do I do, Ron? I'm going to investigate that body. Great.

Yes. If there's anything on there that gives us a clue about what the lamp wick is. All right. I want you to search the body. Great. Yes. If there's anything on there that gives us a clue about what the lamp wick is. I want you to search the body. Yes, I'll do a search. Yep. What do I add for that? What do I add? Investigation? Yep. I got an eight. Alright, that's enough.

It's easy to search because there's no pressing pressure on your time. You realise that you draw his hand and you see that even though he wasn't using daggers, he's wearing the same wrist applicator. It's a small sheath with a guard on it that you can stab a dagger into it and it comes out

coated in some kind of poison. Can I have it? Yep, if you want. I do. Okay, you take that. He also has a potion that has some kind of viscous, another viscous oil that's not the same as the poison in it. And you also see a gem that has some kind of viscous, another viscous oil that's not the same as the poison in it. And you also see a gemstone, a ruby, that looks like it's quite valuable.

Okay, I want all. And he's wearing a medallion that has the same knotted symbol on it, this symbol of a knot. Okay. That's everybody's action. I haven't done anything yet. Ruby, medallion.

Are they so far gone that it would be useless chasing after them? You could chase after them. Okay, Bobby jumps out the window after them. Make an acrobatic check. That's five plus seven. Twelve. Okay. You grab yourself at the window, but you realise that they're too far gone. You manage to stop before you fall,

but as I said, you see them race down towards the river ward. That's everybody's actions. Hing, make another death save. Oh, right. That's why you're. Hing, make another death save. Oh, right. That's why you're being so complimentary. Because he was dying. 17. Yeah, really good.

Successful. All right. That's gone. Your action. No, I'll go over to bank note and use my significant medical skills. None. Don't have any.

I've got minus one intelligence. Let's hope he doesn't die. 16. Congratulations. You've stabilized bank note intelligence. Let's hope he doesn't die. Sixteen. Congratulations. You've stabilized. Banknote. And he wakes up with one hit point. Banknote.

I was having the most horrible dream. I was dead. I died in space. Yeah. Okay. So do we want to chase those? I'm on one hit point. I really need a cleric or something.

Do we want to chase them or do we want to? Is there anything in the office that we could use to, are there any potions? Make an investigation check. Yeah, let's search the office. We should look for E.T. as well. Doesn't she live here? Oh, yeah.

Okay, Bobby, you investigate the room and you suddenly realise that there are two, the two lamps that are in the wall. One of them looks like the bracket rotates. I go up to it. And you remember that they were checking the walls when you came in. Yeah. Best on.

Oh, yeah. They were checking the walls. Turn it, turn it, do it, I dare you. So I turn it. I wear the sort of, with the special like message and stuff, you feel like this E.T. is pretty sneaky. You turn it and an entire panel of the wall opens up and you see a safe room and inside that

room is a safe and a small bench and a shelf and also the figure of someone you assume a sort of 50 year old woman in a dark, high collared dress who you can only assume is Elsa Petruska. Hello!

Who are you? Ah, get back! She's holding a dagger, a silver dagger. Oh, my lady! Ah! Really? Um, alright. No, that's fine. She's a commoner. All right. No, that's fine. She's a commoner.

That's 10. So, let's roll plus zero. Roll this for me. What's your armor class? Oh, my armor class is only 10 because I'm a fucking loser. Your armor class is all right, Rob. Now, for the podcast, he didn't declare an attack, but as Michael reached towards Ben, he just... No, no, Elzabeth used her bonus action.

All right, here we go. He's a big guy. Will Banknote die again? That's a 20! Oh, shit. That's a 20. Oh, shit. That's a 20.

Bobby looks over Banknote and says, it's not as easy as it looks, is it? Banknote, make a death check for me. In fairness, that is because she just walked in and she was very startled. I was holding the... You start to die. Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry I just stabbed that man Incredibly well Potions Potions I have some potions Of healing here Here

And she hands to you Bobby A potion of You recognise It's a minor potion of healing I give it to Beston And I And I

Make a second death check No no Everyone gets to have a turn first. Maybe one of them will choose to help me. Perhaps. I'll... Can I split it with banknote? No.

Why not? It's a small potion. It's D4 plus 1. Oh, it's only a little? All right, I'll feed it to banknote. I'm alive. All right, you stabilise and you take D4 plus 1. You take four points of hit points back.

You wake up. I was having the most horrible dream. This old woman tried to stab me for saying hello. No, no, no, no. Okay, and I reach out. I, like, gently approach Trusk and I reach over, I like gently approach Truskett and I'm like, okay, we're going to take deep breaths. Okay, no more stabby, okay? No more stabby. Okay, give me the dagger.

Here's the dagger. All right. You want a stiff drink? Yeah, there's a sideboard over there. Okay, and I open the sideboard and I pour her a drink and I sit her down. Those three, where are they? Two run away, one dead. Well, just as well.

You know, they've been following me for days, I can tell. Who are they? Who are the Lampwicks? They're the cult that's overtaking the city, the cult of the Lampwick. Have you guys not... No, we never really got a name. The ones who want to bring about the end of the world? Or is this a different cult?

It's a name she explains that she's only heard from her client, Mr Hofferman, who before he died explained that he believed that he was being hunted and in some ways intimidated by a group that he believed that he was being hunted and in some ways intimidated by a group that he only referred to as the Order of the Lampwick. We are the Dukes of Daggerford. Well, that dead guy is the Duke, technically. No, I'm very much alive now, so... Oh, my goodness.

Yes, you did just stab the Duke. Well, as a lawyer, I can tell you that's very illegal. And as the Duke, it is my duty to arrest you for that illegal activity. Do you have a lawyer that is going to... I'll name, I believe I'll be representing myself in this matter. So I assume if you're the Dukes, then you've got my letter. We did. I'm sorry we didn't come earlier.

Things happened. That's explicable. I can only assume it was very important stuff. Vital. Look, I have very, very good reason to believe that Hoffman's death was... Hofferman's death, sorry. I have a lot of clients.

That Hoffman's death was no accident, no natural causes. I believe it was the cult that killed him. Was it a stab wound that killed him? Because if a stab wound, probably not natural causes. How did he die? She goes on to explain

that he was of robust health. He's a misanthrope miserly man um always sort of suing the city and very few friends only a few friends like a very small cage cadre of people that who saw him in the huge vacant hofferman house but his health had always been quite good until it started to fail quite rapidly she also explains that part of what made her concerned about his death is that just days ago he came to her and he told her that he had decided to change his will for the first time in a decade and he asked her to begin the process of preparing his papers to change his will and then two days later he came back to her and he said that he had changed his mind and that his will stood and then a day

later Hoffman was dead. Who's the main beneficiary of his will as it stands? It's going to be read at noon today. Oh, but can we have a spoiler? Yeah, sneak peek for the dukes. She points to a lock box sitting at the back of the safe room.

It's my lockbox. Madam, hello. My name is Lionchill Bagnote. You know me from before when you stabbed me. I was wondering about that message, about the suspect and the potential foul play in this man's death and whatnot. Do you reveal lemon juice by holding it to the light

or are you supposed to sort of... The first one. Okay, cool. Whatever the second one is. It's the first one. Look, I have the lockbox containing the will here, but the passcode is only known by members of the family. I can give you the lockbox, but I can't give you the combination because he was a very paranoid man.

I myself don't know. Make for me an arcana check. It arcana, baby. A three plus. Bilge, you're a wizard. Make for me an arcana check. I will, Dave. 17.

You recognise. It's not hard. ...a lockbox of guarding. This is a magical item that can only be opened by very powerful wizards or by a code word. Mm-hmm. And it's at the back of her safe room, and she has explained to you that it holds the will, but it can only be opened by a member of the Hoffman family who would know the password to open it. So who would be coming to open the lockbox at noon?

Well, I'll be reading the will at noon and it'll be opened by one of the family members. Who? Well, that could be Marguerite or Jovian Roman or Dimetra. Eggie boy? What? Ah, don't worry. Eggie boy or Jaffrel Sand't know. Eggie boy or... Jackal sandwich?

As she said in her letter, as she said in her letter, she has sent runners far and wide to bring the family... Banana bread? To bring the family back to Daggerford. I wrote these names down in advance. Just a long black.

Key members of the family include Hofferman's eldest sister Margrethe, who is now a priestess in Barovia, the twins Jovian and Roman, who have created a really successful export company and they spend their time between Daggerford, Waterdeep and Baldur's Gate, or Diametra Floshin, née Hofferman, his niece from the Floshin estates. All of them would know the passwords.

They're the immediate family. And one of them will open and then I will do the reading. Okay, but... And they will all arrive in Daggerford in the next few hours. The runners were obviously sent while you were fucking around in Vantage. So, look, if we can't do this until midday, should we go back to the castle, meet with the clerics, do our healing, and perhaps investigate the secondary matter of the City Watch?

Let's swing by the Illustrated Man. Yeah, the Illustrated Man. Also, what are we going to do with this chick? She'll probably get murdered without us. Yes. She's like, she is. She fears for her life. She believes. I'll leave behind a guardian for you.

Madam, even though, you know, I owe you nothing, because as I said, you did stab me for basically no reason, I'll leave my trusty defender artillerist heart to guard over you. What is your will, master? Protect this woman at all costs, Bushu. I mean, Bushu D2.

That's an awkward moment. How does Bushu D2 get up the stairs? Is he just following you around everywhere you go? Yeah, he's a... You have denied me legs. Oh, that's an awkward moment. How does Bushu D2 get up the stairs? Is he just following you around everywhere you go? You have denied me legs. Why? I think he's a spider. He's just banging against the bottom of the stairs. I think it was a spider turret, wasn't it?

You said a Roomba, so I think we're going to say that he doesn't have the normal legs of an Artificer's turret and he can go anywhere a Roomba could go. But is he with you, though? You can go to the bottomomba could go. Is he with you though? You can go to the bottom of the stairs and pick him up and say, this creature can protect you anywhere. Except up the stairs.

I'll carry Bushu D2 up the stairs and then give him to E.T. There's a banging on the door. Downstairs? Yes. Alright, well then, before I go back up the stairs, I'll answer the door. Okay, the door opens and you see Ah! Sorry. Yeah, you know what? Before I do, just very

quickly before that, I'm just going to cast Cure Wounds on me. That's a 16 plus 4 is 20. Sorry. You don't have a roll for that. It's just the attack. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I just... You get in a mindset sometimes. Are you trying to prevent yourself from casting Cure Wounds?

No, I'm trying to cure my own wounds. But I don't have a card for that one. What does Cure Wounds do? I imagine it heals. D8 plus your spell modifier, I believe. Yeah, you take seven points of life. Three plus four is seven. Cool.

Does that go for everyone in the room? No, just him. Just me. The door opens and you see Lou Smythe there of the city guard with two guards. And he said, we heard someone yell for help. Yeah, someone was yelling for help. Oh, that just me. The door opens and you see Lou Smythe there of the city guard with two guards. And he said, we heard someone yell for help. Yeah, someone was yelling for help. Oh, that was me, the Duke. Hello.

Are you the Duke now? Yes, my name is Rutherglen. I mean, Lion Shield Banknote of the Rutherglen Banknotes. Have we met before? Oh, purveyors of the finest whiskeys and most mediocre gins. Yes, yes. You're aware of our... Have you tried our new Shinzanos?

Sorry. Have you been stabbed twice? Yes. Yeah. Yes, yes. As it were. What's the disturbance here? This...

There was a woman upstairs was about to be attacked by these three bandits. We did kill one. I mean, one happened to die. And then two others ran away. And Louis Smith goes, oh yes,

this is the house of the Hoffman lawyer, isn't it? Well, we can take it from here. Can I do a check to see if he's filthy and a dirty bastard? You're not, you guys are all still upstairs. Can I do a check to see if he's filthy and a dirty bastard? You guys are all still upstairs.

We're upstairs. No, no. Because Banknote read the letter when Bobby deciphered it. Banknote would know that Lou Smythe could be untrustworthy. Yeah. So he's going to... Lou Smythe, you recently were promoted to... Under regrettable circumstances until Boggins shows up. We've actually, unfortunately, as is the custom,

24 hours later having not found him, we've just informed the widow Boggins that we believe that her husband has perished in the line of duty. So I am now commander of the city watch. She gets a ham. A grief ham? Yeah, she gets a real... It's real nice

All the trimmings A nice funereal ham Dragon Prince, come down here for a second Do you have a coin or something that proves you're the leader of the City Watch? Banknote Did I overhear some talk of ham? Bastard, yes, all you've got to do is bereave Is be bereaving a loved one.

So on his helmet there is a badge of the town of Daggerford, which the commander wears, and he's wearing it. I'm going to take that. As the Duke, I'm ordering you to give me that helmet for a moment, please. As the Duke, I suppose you can, yes. Gives you his helmet. Thank you, I'm going to put it on. You're going to put it on a bird or something? What You're not going to put it on a bird or something? What?

You're not going to put it on a bird or something? And he looks at you like, am I being fired? Because there is just so much chaos going on in this city, what with the... So you are now Commander of the City Watch and Duke. I mean, look... Because if you are Commander of the City Watch, we need you back at the Watch House.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I just... Look, have you I... Because if you are commander of the City Watch, we need you back at the Watch House. Oh, no, no, no, no. I just... Look, have you just... For a second, I just... Yeah, we need you back at the Watch House. You've got to arrange the rosters and we've got the trivia night tonight, which the...

Traditionally, the commander of the Watch does do the bonus round. Oh, no, I know... All right, see ya. What's the theme of the bonus round this year? Evocation magic. Evocation magic. Good, I don't...

I mean, if you sort of had to tell a five-year-old what that was... No, I'm going to go tell my five-year-old what I am, which is not working anymore. Oh, I can't wait to see Jessica. And then he leaves. Okay, then, I'm guessing. So the City Watch leave. All of them. No, no, no. The other two are watching,

waiting for what their commander wants them to do. Baston comes downstairs. What have you done? You've got a new hat. Congratulations. Yes. Yes. Just one second, Dragon Friends. One second.

And he's going to lean into the two City Watch people and be like, look, I wasn't sure if we could trust him, but we're all part of the cult, right? Oh. They look at you and... It's the Gambit from Avengers. Yes, but in the Bat movie, he... Never mind.

I'm just going to roll two dice and see if I get four plus. Two out of five. One of them looks at you and is like, I don't understand. And the other one looks at you and says, by the lamp's light. And then he stabs the other guard in the neck. Oh. Hmm. Now, okay, so is there like an AOE effect for XP?

Like, am I in range? No, I think that guard levels up. Congratulations. You look, you're glowing. And he's like, what does the Herald instruct? The Herald has instructed us that this woman is now one of us and she's under

our care. Do not let anything happen to her. I understand. We shall take this woman to the Herald immediately. No, she's got important work to do here. Yes, yes. Yes, you should. We'll come along too because as I said, we're all part of the same team. And with mysteries

too profound for the likes of mortals to understand it seems that Lion Shield Banknote of the Rutherglen Banknotes has found himself in deep, as gamblers say, with a reckoning come a calling for him, for one must pay the dealer when the dealer controls time, space, and all mysteries known and unknown, when a lost city stands on the precipice of returning, when a celestial convergence is but five days from making itself manifest in a town that does not know yet what

will hit it, it is a good thing that half of it exploded and the other bits that didn't are now on fire because that at least prepares some for a visit from that motley crew they call the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and me, Michael Higg. Their Dungeon Master is Dave, Dungeon Dave Harmon, with voices from a man with at least three voices, Ben Jenkins. Tom Carty does our music, Shakira Khan designs our website

and this episode was recorded at the Giant Dwarf Theatre in Redfern, Australia and is edited, mixed and fixed by Hugh Guest. See you next time. Bye!