Dragon Friends - #5.07. Meanwhile Inside the Bag with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: July 18, 2019

Despite their best intentions, the Dragon Friends are foiled in their attempts to explicitly aid the villains of their adventure and are embroiled in a murder most foul. The patriarch of the Hofferman family has died under suspicious circumstances, and it's up to the Dragon Friends to discover which Carlo Ritchie voiced character is responsible.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for watching! It chronicles the adventures of Friezo during the events of Season 5, and you can catch that live on Twitch on Thursdays at 7pm Australian Eastern Standard Time. For that and the VODs, just head over to twitch.tv slash dragonfriends. We're also releasing the audio from that show as a Patreon exclusive. For just $5 a month, you can grab that and more at the Dragon Friends Patreon. For more info, check out the dragon friends.com but for now here's the show without giving too much away um carlo's playing a lot of characters tonight oh but they'll all be the same we happy crew we joyfully join the fray no daring do we wouldn't pursue but thinking it, that isn't the dragon way.

The offices of Elcibet Truscott stand proudly in the money quarter of Old Daggerford, a stately old brownstone typical of the homes of the small but powerful upper class of the otherwise rustic trading town. Truscott has asked you, the dragon friends, here because she suspects the murder of one of her clients, Constant Hofferman, who died a day before. For all his miserliness, Hofferman was a man of considerable wealth, and from the first floor balcony of Truscott's office, you can see the gloomy old Hofferman house, one of the largest private buildings in the quarter. The Hofferman family exerted considerable influence on the town for generations, but centuries of misfortune, greed, and disaster have reduced them to a shadow of their former wealth,

and most of the present-day family have long since fled the town for fairer shores. Hoffman's death is the end of an era for Daggerford. But also perhaps a time for renewal. His will suggests that he has left something to the town itself, and as the new dukes, it is your responsibility to represent. The will is to be read at noon, in just five hours' time, at Rivershine Hall, assuming that is that his solicitor, Miss Truscott, arrives to present it. That is, of course, not a given. Miss Truscott fears for her life, worried that the same cult operatives that she suspects killed Hoffman are now after her.

She's turned to the dragon friends for protection, and as a result, and Hing, I just want you to tell me if I'm getting any of this wrong, she is now currently being escorted with her hands tied into a waiting carriage driven by a cult operative to be delivered to the mysterious cult leader known as the Herald

as part of your character's plan. Hang on. With us in tow. But, yeah, where... You can come. Yeah, but isn't she... Haven't we convinced them that she's one of them as well? No, they've come to kidnap her.

And then what did I do? You said, yeah, I know, I'm part of, we're all part of the cult, right? I said I'm part of the cult. And then he stabbed the other cop. Great. Removing your last ally. And now you said, we'll come with you to see the Herald. Right.

And he said, great, we have to take her to the Herald at once. Right. And you are now boarding a City Watch carriage. Uh-huh. And he's about to get up to the front to drive you to wherever this herald is, with her in chains in tow. So I often, sometimes when we do these things, there's a lot of moving parts, and sometimes we get confused about what's going on.

Really? Have we sort of given the baddies the thing they want? Is that what's happening? That's one interpretation for sure. In another interpretation you've got a lot of blood on his hands that he wasn't expecting to get on today so that's a bit of chaos in their plans.

So he probably feels guilty about having to stab his friend in the neck. He doesn't seem it. Why don't you ask him? Let's wheedle away at that. Alright, so everyone's in the He was about to get up to the front to drive the carriage, but you can grab him before he does. Ah, sir, sir, may I speak to you one second before you away on this carriage?

We don't have a lot of time, but sure. Before when you stabbed that man in the neck? Uh-huh. Watched him bleed out? Sure. That affect your psyche at all? Do you have any sort of weaknesses as a result of that? It's a really, really strange question, man.

Are you feeling vulnerable at all at the sort of taking of a human's life? I feel a bit sleepy, but I think that's... Sleepy, you say? Right, did you get everything you wanted out of that, Hank? Dragon friends, we have a plan. Everybody gathers themselves into the carriage And as you embark up the steps into the carriage You see, glaring at you with recrimination in her eyes

The gagged and tied up form of Elspeth Truscott Baston winks at her Bobby will use his secret brain speech. What's the name for that? Message. Message. All right. Jeffrey Rush was great in that movie.

He's just going to say, like, this is part of the plan. This will get us closer to the truth. And your life is in our hands. Don't worry. She shakes and shakes urgently and tries to spit the gag out. There's no... The guy's at the front. You're just the only ones in the carriage. So we can take the gag off her mouth.

If you want. I do that. So she splutters and spits it out. And she's like, you can't take me to them. This is what they want. Ah, don't you worry. Our friend Banknote here has perfect plan. And then she looks at Banknote

with thumbs up. Banknote playing like five sided chess here. Yeah, most people are used to playing chess on a four sided board. There's a lurch and the carriage starts to move. Keep going. You see, most people are used to playing chess on a four sided board.

I prefer the pentagram. Pentagram? Is that what it's called? Pentagon. She's like, oh my God, I'm going to die. Backnote, coiling winks at Truskett. Stop winking at me, everyone. Wait.

What if I... acquire a cunning disguise? Yeah? What if I were to dress up as a lady? This specific lady. And then I'd go in and I'd be like, oh no, please don't kill me. And then I'd kill them! Ha ha.

Yes, we could, if we put a bag on your head, maybe. Great plan. Clothes swap. Clothes swap. You're going to need, you are going to need a persuasion check to get her to go along with this. But it's DC for 10 because she doesn't have a better idea. What are you, 15? 15. Clothes swap. It's a good song.'t have a better idea what are you 15 15 clothes swap

it's a good song it's a clothes swap Baston you're changing clothes with Elsa Petruska yeah yeah yeah and chains I assume like wrapping them yeah yeah I'll do it

but I'll do it so that when I want to take them off I can just be like and do something cool and how are you disguising head her as you oh

yes no because they wouldn't know what Baston looks like. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to use disguise self to disguise myself as Baston and she can disguise herself as Bobby and wear my clothes. Full proof. But then who's going to be Bobby? She will be.

I'll be Baston. So I think at this point, Banknote and Filch look at each other and like, Clothes! All right, everybody swaps clothes. Bastogne. All right, you fucking guys. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Everybody starts. What kind of armour do I have now? You're not wearing leather half-orc barbarian armor. What have I got on? Bilge, you have an acolyte's robes, an artifice's robes. Bobby Pancakes, you just... I've got disguise self, so I'm just... You use disguise self, and you take the form of Baston.

Baston, you take her high-necked Victorian-style collared dress. Do I feel good? You feel so good. It feels... Ooh, a little tight around the midriff, but... As she quickly gets into... Bobby, you still need to take your clothes off

so she can wear them. As she gets into your leather... Can you cut off a bit of your hair and glue it to my upper lip? Sure. Thank you. Is that what she asked for? Yeah.

What if I'm going to do this and I don't look right? But why do I be really small on her because he's a half the size person? Yeah, she's... On her knees, she'll just put my shoes on her knees and like... And we've got to put a bag on Baston's head. Does anyone have a bag?

By taking more steps, you've made her costume worse. I have a... Banknote has a bag of holding. You need a bag to hold your head, do you? Sure, why not? Enjoy the bag! And Bag Note flings the bag onto him. Is there not a corpse in that bag of holding?

Yeah, there's a couple of these three corpses. What cool secrets can you say? So tied up, Bastion has just time for his neck to stiff bolt upright and be like, and then he's covered by a bag and just, he sits there shaking slightly. I don't actually

know, what does the inside of a bag of holding look like? It's another dimension of ceaseless time and impossible, like, endless space. Is Baston's face rubbing up against bodies? So imagine your head just pokes through a portal into the vast indifference of like an uncaring universe

and floating around you were just three dead bodies slowly tumbling. Meanwhile, inside the bag... Can he hear what's going on outside through the bag? No, he's in the cold indifference of space. But just as the... It doesn't seem worth it! Also, if you scream inside a bag of holding...

No one can hear you. Can anyone hear you on the outside of the bag? No. It's just a vacuum. You're screaming into a void. Right, okay. So as far as we're concerned, he's just very tense but quiet. And as the bag goes over his head,

there is a thump and a lurch and the carriage jars to a sudden stop. And it seems we all just stand still. Stick my head out. Man, your cat like reflexes. I stick my head out the window and see what I can see. Very cautiously, Filch moves aside the heavy curtains and peeks outside. And she can see, with his back to her, the figure of a tall, broad-shouldered man in a beautiful, old, woolen peacoat surveying the horizon. And he spins around and you see a thin pencil moustache, handsome chiselled features, and an otherwise quite delicate body of Mr Jovian Hofferman.

Played by you, Carlo Ricci. Good evening, friends. I came just in the nick of time. I don't know if you know, but I think you're about to be ensnared in a wicked net of cults. Jovian Hofferman, rescuer, friend to all, and currently owner of the carriage that has rammed you. Good evening.

And you can see indeed there is a carriage that rammed into the side of your carriage with a huge figure in a big, heavy, rain-slicked coat scowling at the reins. Me name Filch. Fucking so unnecessary. I'm furious. Me so glad to meet you

Hoffman. And give him a little kiss on the head. Yeah. And then don't make me mad. And Fields goes, ha ha ha! Oh, dumb tricks?

Me name Lion Shield Banknote and me an apothecary or something. Well, Fields and Banknote, was it? I don't know if anyone's told you this, but it would almost seem as if by your girth and size that your clothes, Mr. Banknote, would be better suited

to Miss Filt here, and Filt, your clothes perhaps better suited to Filt. But that's just a detail that I happen to notice in this very minute. He has a fashionista's eye. I'm the best! At meeting you, pleased to meet you,

Baston here. My name? Sorry, what was your surname? Baston Karate Kick. Kvitch. Meanwhile, in the bag... Oh! Another buddy flies by.

I am Elizabeth Truscott. Get me out of here! Miss Truscott. I barely recognize you, Miss Truscott. You've become quite her suit. These idiots almost handed me over to the cult. I represented your father. Yes, I was right on my way to see you at this very instant. Quite fortuitous indeed that you would be in board this carriage with a cult member.

Except that you have ruined our plans to track and locate the Herald and infiltrate the cult. Ah, but what is a plan when weighed against a good stiff drink in a warm house? Not quite the wager, I'd say. Now let's all rush away. Go on. He beckons you into his carriage. You realise now that the cop carriage is essentially ruined. Quickly, bring your sack.

Where's the guy driving the car? You look down and you can see there is a figure with a broken neck slumped on the side of the carriage. We were trying to use it for information and you went and broke your neck out. I'm just going to go and quickly search his body for clues. Oh no, not me. You haven't met my good friend Mr Eli. Quiet fellow. But I tell you this, what he makes up for in... What he doesn't have

in conversation, he makes up for in pure, unrelated violence. Searching the body. Make for me an investigation check. That's a one. I roll again because I'm lucky. Twelve plus something. You can see that on the body there is a necklace that has the sign of the lamp wick, which is now what you realise is this cult symbol that they all have.

I'm going to grab that. You grab the necklace and also there is a crumpled piece of paper. And opening it up, you see instructions that have been written in Thebes cant, which luckily you can read, that instruct them to come to the Truscott house at night. Not to return without the journals or evidence of the location thereof. Journals. Excuse me, friends. I have an idea before we go with this.

This drink does sound like quite an appeasing thing to do. Excuse me. Bastogne may have that bag back, please. He can't hear you. Yes, what do you want? So, Banknote's going to grab the bag back from Baston, who is still wearing Truscott's clothes, and then Banknote's going to take one of the bodies...

Well, let's do this one at a step at a time, because I think the first is going to have a reaction. So you pull the bag off Baston's head, and he goes, Oh, hello! I'm just here to read a will. Bastogne's head and he goes how long has elapsed for Bastogne he's had a little I mean centuries and trust it's like we're not doing that anymore. I don't know who you are. Oh, such a handsome. Oh, a halfling. How quick. But when they come back to find this,

they're going to be searching for her body. So give me the bag. I'll get a body out of that and dress it up in your clothes. All right. I guess I'm getting out of these clothes and into none. No. Yeah, you can have my clothes. Oh, my God.

So, Magnet's going to take one of the bodies out of the bag and dress it up like Elspeth Truscott. How's she going to get a dress? I hate myself for asking this. What's her? What's she going to wear? She's already wearing her clothes. I'm going to take the dead... The clothes from the body. The dead guard's clothes, the policeman's clothes.

Actually, nobody's wearing Bastogne's clothes because I was naked and then I did disguise myself, so he can put his clothes back on. You got naked? No, I'm fine. I'll take that. But then we'll be matching. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm rather well-heeled.

If you need clothes, I can clothe you. I can get you a new pair of boots, if you like. Really, you don't have to steal them off a course. I just wanted to say that. Don't mind me. I'll be here in the carriage. Just let me know when you're ready to go. All right.

Okay. All right. Well, um... Twinsies! Twinsies! Wait, what are you wearing? I'm disguised as you. No, no! Okay, 20 minutes! Five minutes later, and the impressive double

doors of old Hofferman House in the Money Quarter creak open, and you see the elderly family retainer, a butler by the name of Mr Smiggins, crack the door open as Jovian bursts into the house. Smiggins, these are my guests. Make sure they're fed and drinked.

And you guys, please. And clothed. And yes, we'll need, I suppose, four sets of clothes. Yes, we'll need, I suppose, four sets of clothes. And please, would you get Mrs. Truscott's a new dress? Her other one smells horridly like it's been trapped in a void with a body. Smiggins pulls you into it. Oh, I'll do that right, sir.

I'll do that more. Good man, Smiggins. Don't mind Smiggins. He's got a strange air of evil about him. But he mixes a rather good gin of the Jupiter, if you know what I'm saying. Smiggins leads you into an adjoining circular drawing room where you can see a small... Ooh, circular. How do you hang paintings? Is that a question for Smiggins?

By the neck. You are menacing. A small piano, some artfully arranged sofas and chairs, lounges and chairs, and dominating it is a giant, huge portrait of the patriarch himself, Constant Hofferman, a man you presume is now demised and a well-appointed sideboard. Well-appointed cyborgs? I think you heard me, Benjamin.

He said sideboard. Me boop! He said sideboard. Me boop! And with Smiggins in his wake, Jovian charges over to the sideboard and starts mixing himself a Calamshite double standard. Nothing quite beats a Calamshite double standard, except a triple standard. Oh, goodness me.

Get me that then! I want that one, the better one. Very good. Don't mind the picture of the old man. His eyes seem to follow you everywhere, but, you know, the thing about following you everywhere is that you can make them look where you don't want them to look. In my...

What? Look, if you'll just excuse me for a second, I have to have Mr. Eli fetch in my trunks. I'll leave you with Smiggins for a moment. I'm sure the rest of the family will be here momentarily. And Smiggins actually explains that your aunt and cousin have not yet arrived. Can I just do an investigation check on that portrait? Yeah.

That's a nine. You get pluses. Plus what? Smartness? Go to investigation. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's a 15. Okay, so the portrait is of an old man.

You can see by his ruddy cheeks that he looks, despite his age, like he is an unstoppable force, like healthy, vivacious. But he has very, very cold eyes, under a stern, a giant top hat. Also, you notice that in the picture, in the portrait, at a distance, almost scared of him, you can see two boys and a girl and a wife, presumable figure as well. Like in the deep background?

He's in the foreground. Put the family in somewhere. It'd be really funny if he made them pose for the portrait as well though. Like when he was getting his portrait done. He definitely did. Not a step back. Too close! Mr. Smiggins

there. Hello. I've been looking through your bar here and it seems you've got a lot of refined whiskeys, but you don't seem to have the banknote whiskeys from Ruthergland banknotes. Uh, well that would be a Flotian whiskey, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, well, ever since the marriage, the Flotian spirits haven't really been allowed in here. Smiggins, stop scaring them with your story. And you can see that Jovian is back,

and behind him the impassive man of few words, Mr. Eli, has a huge steel-bound giant wooden trunk. Take it up to my rooms with you, Mr. Eli, and careful that it doesn't bump against the paint. I don't want to have to take it out of your heart. And Eli, with a grunt, goes up the stairs. Oh, my, that chest looked heavy. Does little Eli need a hand?

No, he think he'll do just all right. Oh, really? He won't do fine, but he'll do just all right. As he talks, he mixes quickly for himself a Kalamshite double standard. Hmm. You can really taste the double. Yes, welcome. The old Hovnan estate.

What a place, isn't it? Very nice. You know I'm to read the will of your deceased father at noon. Yes, yes. What a terrible business. What a terrible business. And you're just in town, are you? Yes, I got your message

and I made my way here as quickly as I could. Took the old... The old teleport, did. There is a teleportation circle attended by the priests of Mystra, presumably. That's how he got here, because Jovian explains he was working in Baldur's Gate when the message came. Yes, got it at my offices there in Baldur's Gate. Got over here pretty quick, smart.

Packed up a few things, as you can imagine. Just a couple of suits, the odd shirt. You don't need to know my baggage. What about the carriage? Do you get a carriage to the teleport? No, but you can't. Or you pick it up when you arrive? I had one hired here. Called the officer head and said

pick one up for me. And they did. Susan's good there. Just on that, how did you know that we were on our way and the exact route we were taking with Miss Hofferman? Trusket.

Trusket. Truscott. Truscott. Truscott. Beg yours. I was on my way to see Miss Truscott myself. As you know, she has the will in her possession. And he flourishes a letter that is made on the same card in the same hand as the one that invited you to her office. And I assume that you were here on behalf of your brother as well?

Yes, unfortunately poor Roman can't join us. He's off with the orchestra. Yeah, he's touring with the Baldurian Philharmonic. The Baldurian Philharmonic. Yes, I heard something similar. Oh my God, the will! The will! And she suddenly sits up, bought upright. I left the will at the office.

You idiot! You had one job. You kidnapped me! I did nothing of the sort. You had free will. You can't blame everyone for your life choices. As he does this there is a banging on the door and Smiggins turns around

and he opens the doors and you can see it's beginning to rain and another figure stalks in, an older woman in a dark almost morning gown. Well, it is a long time indeed since I have been locked out of the family house. Smiggins, you devil, what the hell have you been doing? Get me a gin and serve it cold. I will have it in my rooms, which I imagine will be the cubby. I don't intend to sleep in the house tonight.

Good evening, strangers. Pay me no heed. I will be in my room should you need me. Hello, dear Jovian. Is your brother here? Jovian passes her a gin and tonic he started making as he saw her arrive. No, Aunt Margaret.

Just a quick question, Carlo. The seven characters you're playing tonight, will they all have the same voice? This is Margaret, Hopperman's older sister. Can we request a voice for Margaret? She's got a little bit of a German accent. Does she, Carlo? Because I couldn't hear. No, I can hear it.

I like it. I'm enjoying what he's putting down. You can request voices for other characters. Carlo has prepared voices for all of these characters. They've got very subtle linguistic differences. And there's a knock on the door as another one arrives. They've got very subtle linguistic differences. And there's a knock on the door as another one arrives. Diametra, the younger niece.

A timid girl in a simple white dress. It's just horrible, horrible, horrible. It's worse than when Mummy died. Smiggins, get me a whiskey. Smiggins passes a whiskey as Jovian takes up his father's old position by the mantelpiece, surveying the room where those

Huffermans now still on continent are assembled together for the first time in years. Wait, who's incontinent? Incontinent? On continent. On continent. Oh, I see. On continent Wait, who's incontinent? Oncontinent. Oncontinent. Oh, I see. Oncontinent is the opposite of incontinent.

It means you're not shitting at all. On the continent. Okay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Cousin Dimi, so good to see you. My grief does not suit you well, cousin dear. It's just like when mummy died.

Oh dear. Hello, Jovian? I always... Hello, Jovian. I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Yes, Jovian. It is. It is Jovian. There you are, pet. Go have a seat, cousin. The family obviously have a lot to talk about, so while they're having a conversation,

what are you guys up to? Which one of them killed him? Do we know the... I did, and I'd do it again too! Oh, that was easy! So, are we talking to Truscott now? You all have drinks, you can talk to anyone you want. You and Truscott are standing

at a distance while the family is having a slight, quick reunion, which sounds like... And then we came by carriage, and it was rather nice. Just like when Mummy died. Yes. It's exactly like that, I suppose. Traskett, Traskett, do you know the cause of death of Mr. Hoffman?

Yes, well, as far as I know, we're still waiting on exact results from the coroner. And to which Smiggins clears his throat. Ahem. And he hands a small piece of paper to Truscott. Ah, thank you, Smiggins. A little further away, because Smiggins is like this. And so he backs up and she reads it. And she looks at it and it tells her that the coroner's report has been finished

and is at the city mortuary. But as far as we know, outside of the details that the coroner can give us, he was in the hail of health for some time and then his health just declined rather rapidly until his death. Yes, he's always been rather well until he wasn't. Isn't that the way life goes? Another drink, anyone? Was that Jovi talking then?

That's Jovi. That's Jovi. Just checking. Baston is going to go talk to Miss Truscott and say, So the will will be read, but you didn't bring it. Should I, does someone need to get it? I can definitely be trusted with tasks.

But isn't it in a safe though, isn't it? I fear no safe. It's in a lockbox of guarding. When you last saw this, the will was locked inside a lockbox in her safe room that required a code word that only the family can say. Oh. So at some point between now and noon, me and one of the family,

or you and one of the family, will have to go to my offices and retrieve the will. Dragon huddle. Okay. YouTube banknote. Yes! Probationary huddle inclusion. Should I come as well? No, Jovian!

All right. Make me another triple thingy. Very well. Are you going to have a second triple standard? Yes! Okay. You are now drunk, which is disadvantage on chance. We really shouldn't be doing this without cinnamon.

The horse. I thought you meant me triple standard. Jovian, make my next triple standard have a little sprinkle cinnamon. I'll see if Cook has any in the kitchens. Thank you. He wanders off. Now, do you think maybe we can trick them into getting the safe word out of them? The code word?

Yes. Different. Different. In many ways, the safe word is the opposite of the code word. Uh, yeah.

So. Me fear meddling. One, so we need to go, are we going to split? Are we going to go with them? Or,

I don't think we should let. I think we should all go together, en famille, with everyone. Just to be clear, so there's a couple of leads that have opened up for you so far. So there is a coroner waiting at the city mortuary

with a report on the death. There's obviously the rest of the house and these characters that are here. Cousin Diametra, Aunt Marguerite, and Jovian Hofferman, and of course Smigglin. Don't forget Smiggins Oh he's got knives

and guns Cut that out would you Smiggins Stab stab Smiggins goes back to subtly sabotaging a step on the grand stair And the note sent to the bad dude

the Lamplicker said that they wanted Hoffman's journals. Hoffman's journals. Yeah, that's correct. He was a historian or something. Bobby. Okay. The ambassador goes, Bobby, pretend to be really, to have to go to the bathroom.

And I'll say, oh, my friend is sick. And I'll take you to the bathroom. And you can go in the bathroom. And I'll stand, oh, my friend is sick. And I'll take you to the bathroom. And you can go in the bathroom. And I'll stand outside the bathroom. And once you're inside the bathroom, you can sneak out the window and then go upstairs and find the journals. Okay. Goodbye. Who are you saying goodbye to?

To Phil, to Banknote. You guys should, what do you want to do? Me, me gonna talk to, me think Diametra a bit of a weak link with, so me gonna try and weasel some info out of her. Excellent, okay, so, and Banknote, are you gonna go with someone or your own plan? Banknote will stay with the party, keep his eyes on everyone. Okay, great. At that, so you all take your drinks, and the drinks, by the way, keep his eyes on everyone. Okay, great. So you all take your drinks and the drinks, by the way, are excellent.

The atmosphere is convivial and you all start feeling much better. And anyone who's lost any hit points goes back to full hit points. Quick check up on what convivial means. Like, I thought it was like nice and good company.

Warm and friendly? Okay, that's good. I'm into that. Yeah, that sounds nice. So you're all back and friendly? Yeah. Okay, that's good. I'm into that. Yeah, that sounds nice. So you're all back to maximum hit points. Okay, great. And there was some cinnamon in one of the cellars. Wouldn't you just know it? There you are.

Much improved. Now, Diametra's rooms are upstairs, so you can follow her if you want. Has she gone up to her room? She went upstairs, yeah. Okay. Megan... As you try to walk out of the room, Smiggins quickly intercepts.

You wouldn't go wandering around here by yourself. Accidents are liable to happen. He's sharpening a meat cleaver with a big knife. Smiggins put that back out in the butchery. Goodness me. Now, was it banknote? Is that right? Am I seeing...

No, no, forget all that. I'm Filch. Right. Baffling. What a curiosity. Listen, if you're looking around the house, perhaps I could give you a tour. Perhaps, Jovian,

you can go and get me some nutmeg because me think this could be improved a little bit and maybe get off me tail a little bit. Make for me an... You're coming on too strong. Make for me an intimidation check. When Phil's just drunk, she thinks everyone's fooling with her.

You have advantage on intimidation, don't forget. Oh, 20. Don't I have disadvantage from being drunk? You have disadvantage from being drunk, but that cancels your advantage. So you're actually, 20 is fine. My word. I'll fetch the nutmeg at once. The house is yours, milady.

And he follows Smiggins into the servants' quarters. Is anyone left in the family? Marguerite, I think, is sitting up to her room. Don't mind me. I'm sitting by myself and having a wonderful time. So Marguerite is sitting in the corner. Okay, so just do you think... If it was possible for a rain cloud of gloom to be on top of somebody,

it's raining down on her. Banknote's still there, so Banknote can distract Mark Reedy for more. Okay, well, are we going to do our plan anyway? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, Bobby's still dressed his best on. Also, I'm just going straight up the stairs without the whole bathroom thing. But regardless, Bobby says, one of us has a brown donkey praying at the bathroom door.

Also, I should point out that you guys haven't established where the bathrooms are. Like, how they relate in the hat. Oh, yeah. It's me. I have to do it. Or is it me? Do I have to do it? We'd both like to go now.

So where do we go? Or we could be in for some double trouble. Don't make me do it here. Oh, or we could be in for some double trouble. Don't make me do it here. If you're looking for the water closet, you'll find it under the main stairs. Not a great design choice, but that was my father for you. Okay, well, we'll go, but we'll take turns, rest assured.

Or will we go in together? We're brothers. We share everything, including poopy times. You know, that's... I really don't need to know. Dave, I want to do a performance check to make it very convincing that I need to go to really sell it. You...

One. Oh, no. Are you... You don't really strike me as a man who needs to go to the toilet. Oh, rest assured. I mean, your brother looks like he needs to go. Maybe you should stay here. Listen, this is embarrassing, but I can't go without him. I need someone to hold my hand.

You know what? The little brothers here were very much like that. They were always inseparable, always going off and going, oh look, there's a duck in the pond, let's look at the duck together. Well, we have a big brown duck to look at so we're going to be on our way. And with Bobby holding his butt, the two of them race

out. Now, at the top of the stairs, you soon see there are doors and one of the doors has a floral D, which you presume is for Diametra. I knock on it and I really softly knock, knock, knock.

Not smiggins? Not smiggins. Eat your girlfriend, Filch. New friend but friend all the same. Time for some girl talk. Shove on out of the way and let's sit on the bed. Filch sort of just pushes Diametra off most of the bed and she sort of perches on the end of the bed as Filch sits

and the entire bed sags. And please make note that Filch is sitting like this. And kicking her legs. It's the side of Filch we haven't seen. She's cupping her chin in her hands and she's like this. And kicking her legs. It's the side of Phil's we haven't seen. She's cupping her chin in her hands and she's like waving her legs in the air. You do it like me. You sit like me. We girl talk.

If that's what you need. It what you need, girlfriend. Now, me here pretty sad about your uncle. Oh, we were ever so close. Weird. Old uncle. Filch can't help but assert dominance, even when she's trying to be nice. And then she realises it's a bit hard, so she says, girlfriend.

No, you're right. Nobody really understood it, even my husband's family. They thought that I was rather too close with my uncle, but I just loved him so much. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so emotional. He would have wanted me to be strong, I suppose. So are you related to him or are you married into this family or what? No, I'm his uncle.

I'm his... He was my uncle. I gave her some hand pats on the head. Oh, you're hurting me. Alright, while that's happening, meanwhile, in an otherwise empty drawing room, Marguerite is sitting, staring into her third gin and tonic when she spots loitering nearby in huge, giant leather armour

the artificer, Lion Shield Banknote. Marguerite. Horrible business, death in the family, isn't it? So horrible, you know, especially in a rich family. You know, when my father and mother were killed by, oh, assassins, I said to myself, I'm going to solve the mystery of what happened. You know, and I did. And I thought to myself, if there's one person here who could solve this mystery,

it's probably me. What is your name there? My name is Lineseshield Banknote, and when I'm not tinkering things and making other contraptions for your pleasure or pain... Wait, what? It's a good slogan. Excuse me.

So explain that. So the pleasure is the gins and brandies? Is it? Yeah. This is where the safe word comes in. Are you talking about arcanic dildonics? I found in my notebook just the words,, pages ago, I found the words, Daggerford Sexlympics, question mark.

I'm sure someone here can tell me what that means, but I have no recollection of that being a thing. But I felt it important enough to write down. My name is Lion Shield Banger. Yes, you've said that. You've also said a good many other things, which quite frankly, I don't have the time to discuss nor the pleasure or inclination to discover more about. Let me

tell you this one thing about this family. They might appear to be otherwise well-rich, good, fine people. This is a den of vipers here. A den of vicious snakes, all of the heads twitching away and writhing like that little duck that young Jovian boy killed out in the pond. Ah, and you, you are the queen of the vipers herself, I imagine.

If I should be a queen, then let me be a queen. But no, old Hofferman had me shipped off, off away for a little place to become a priestess. But that's just how it all goes here in the Hoffman family. To protect the family, we must cut off the snake's arms. Yes.

Hi! Oh, you hear a voice at the door. Oh, Marguerite, don't let Aunt Marguerite scare you. She had the time of her life in Barovia and came back a maid woman in the priesthood. Jovian, you know, I've always liked your brother more. There, I've said it.

Oh, you wound me, Aunt Marguerite. Don't pay her any attention. Now, was your name Banknote or are you Phil? No, no, no. I'm the real Banknote. Listen, Banknote. Of the Rutherglen Banknotes. Pay no attention to Aunt Marguerite.

She's a sad old woman who I once loved. There, I said it, Marguerite. I won't say it again. Yeah, good. I didn't even need to hear it. One second, though. One second, though. One second, though, she says. Did you say that you were from Rutherglen?

Yes, yes. The Flotian estate. Yes, quite so. I am the heir to the banknote fortune. Is this not a... You won't find a lot of sympathy for you here in the house of Hoffman with the name Flotian flying about the place. Ever since young Diametra, Cousin Dimi, as you so like to say, Jovin.

And I'll say it if I like. Yes, Jovin. Now, ever since Cousin Dimi married out to the Flochins, there's not been a lot of good blood here in the Hofferman house, you could say. Plenty of blood in the Hofferman house. Plenty of blood in the Hofferman house.

And he's sharpening a gun. Smiggins put that back in the butchery. Meanwhile, in a classic caper, opening up the toilet door and then letting it slam and then tiptoeing up the stairs, Bobby and Baston, dressed as Baston and Baston, you find yourselves alone and unattended in Hoffman House with the run of the mansion. After you, Bastogne. Oh, where if I were a journal, where would I hide?

In a desk? I go looking for desks. In a drawer. I go looking for drawers. But maybe in like an office-y study kind of thing. So should we upstairs? Well, actually his sister said

that it was a weird design to put the toilet under the stairs. Yeah. So I think Bobby's going to go in and just do a quick check for just a quick

investigation check of the under the stairs toilet. Okay, yeah, great. Just in case there's sort of secret passages or anything. No, that's a five.

You get plus something. Oh. If Baston is helping you you have advantage. Yeah, I'm going to look too. Ah! Yeah. 16 or anything. No, that's a fine. You get plus something. Oh. If Bastogne is helping you, you have advantage. Yeah, I'm going to look too. Ah! Yeah. 16, 17. Okay, so you get 24.

So you investigate the privy, and straight away you see that it is sort of strange. It's making use of a negative space in the house, but despite the fact that the stairs are huge, luxurious, and over-appointed, the privy is quite cramped, and with an expert thief's eye, you soon realize that the wall of the privy

is much closer to you, and the room is smaller than it needs to be in this space. Ho, ho, ho. They haven't used this space very efficiently. You're going to Grand Designs it? No, it's not for me, but do what you want. So, Bobby's going to sort of feel around for, like, levers or secret buttons. There's just this, there is...

You flushed the toilet. Yeah, I was going to say. There are taps, there's the toilets, there's a small bowl of mints, there is a huge mirror for quite a small space. There's a little painting of a dog. Does a dog have human eyes? All right. So we can't, we're just pressing things and nothing's happening.

I'm going to sort of go up to the mirror, run my hands around it, push on it. Okay, as soon as you press the mirror, as your hands move, you realise that the mirror itself isn't fixed into the frame and the mirror itself turns. Oh. And as you continue to spin the mirror slowly

as it turns on a larger place... And Bastard's looking at himself and he's turning. That's not how mirrors work! A window that has been cut into the piece of mirrored glass opens up as you slide into view a mirror, a window that's cut into the glass. All right, I go, yeah, team Bastogne. And I high-five Bastogne.

Beyond, you can see narrow stairs leading up. Okay, I head on up. Me too, sneaking. Okay, you sneak up those stairs. Make a stealth check if you're too. Sneaking. Okay. You sneak up those stairs. Make a stealth check if you're sneaking. Sneaking. Sneaking. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Something pretty good. So you're both sneaking up the stairs? Yep. And Bastogne got 17 and you got a 7? No, I got... He got 17. I got 9. Okay.

So, Bobby sneaks up the stairs with Catlike Grace. Sneaking. Sneaking. Sneaking. Says says Bastard as he walks up the stairs. And you walk into a room and straight away you see that the room overlooks a beautifully well-appointed library. And it has a piece of glass that you get by the sense of the light shining through it that is a one-way mirror. And otherwise this is what looks like a small workshop there's a bench there's a small cabinet of books and there is a locked case a large upright locked case standing next to the desk in our secret room or on the other side of the one-way mirror on the other side you can just see a beautiful

gallery library that's obviously part of the house. But there's nothing in this room that we're in. Yeah, all that stuff. Okay, Bobby's going to take a crack at the lock.

With your thieves' tools? Yep. That's a... Yeah, that's not good. It's a... You look at it... Do I get advantage? No.

You can't get... But I want it. I'm going to try and kick it off, Dave. Okay. 14. All right, giving up all pretense of stealth. Plus six, 21.

Baston, just as I was about to say to Bobby, although you can't open it, it looks like a simple tuning key to a piano or piola would open it. Baston goes, yeah, and kicks the wooden crate. It splinters. There's a loud crack and it snaps open. I yell out, oh, what a loud boop!

Downstairs, Jovian is still with Blindshield Banknote when he hears a loud crack upstairs. And then the voice saying, oh, what a loud boop. Hmm. That didn't sound like a poop. Meanwhile, in Diametra's bedroom.

We've been bonding. Yep. So I've been painting her nails and I've done her hair. I've been braiding her hair. How's that going? Is that braiding? Braiding. But what does Filch braids look like?

Doing her best. Because Filch has braids, so she knows how to do it. Yeah, but she didn't do them. Oh, really? Someone did them for her like ten years ago? Yeah. So it's a mess up there. It's a big knot.

But there's ribbons on the end of the knot. And in spite of herself, Diametra is smiling with the attention, which it seems is quite rare in this family. And, you know, he used to have so much fun together. And I just think in the last few years, we just, you know, drifted. He didn't even come to my wedding, you know. Oh, slack. It's all right. I forgave him. Why didn't even come to my wedding, you know. Oh, slack. It's alright, I forgave him.

Why he no come to your wedding? Did he give you present at least? No, but I... Slack. I can't hold that against him, I suppose. He was busy with his work. He hasn't really warmed to me ever since I ran off to the

Floations, you know. Why he no like Floations? Oh, I think his father had some squabbles. I never really got into it. It's his business, not mine. Well, if he loved you so much, you'd hope that he'd leave you something good in his will. It's so horrid to think.

But I suppose maybe I... We had been getting better the last few weeks. I thought I might even come to visit him, but... You left it too late. In the secret study overlooking the library, it seems that no one is coming upstairs for now. And Bobby, you pull delicately out of the crate a couple of things. One is a small bag that clinks. It looks like some emergency funds.

You can put that down as 200 gold pieces. You also find a... Wrapped in a big piece of cloth, there is a huge heavy weapon of some sort. It's been bound up in white cloth. Are you going to open? Yeah. Okay, you look at it and it has what looks like

dwarven or giant's language runes, some kind of language you don't speak, written along the pommel of what is a giant warhammer. Huge double-handed warhammer. And you can't read the language on it. And then there is also a pile of papers in the crate as well. Okay, I was sifting through the papers. Are there anything that look like journals?

You find there is a notebook a slim notebook that seems to be written in a cipher that is the only thing that you could kind of say the rest of them are books that are about the myths of dagaford all of them look like rare first edition copies possibly books that are difficult to find anymore and flicking through them some of them tell the traditional story that Daggerford was founded years ago when a boy with a dagger fought off lizardmen, but there are other theories and there are other stories as well.

How big is this bundle of papers? I would say it's about six or seven books and the top one, as I said, is this handwritten journal that's written in ciphers and has maps and as you pick it up as well, a piece of paper falls out of it, which is also written in cipher, that has been ripped in half.

A clue. A war hammer. Knock, knock, knock. Is everything all right in there? Oh, it's sharp. Okay, well, just be safe. You can take everything? You can't take, you're probably not strong enough to take the mace.

You can take everything else? Yeah, I'll take everything else. I'll take the mace and I'll put it into one of my trouser legs. So I limp and I come out and be like, oh, it was a big one. When he limps out of his chair. My word. Are you all right? No.

Do you have any soothing balms for the anus? The thing that surprises me is you were the one that didn't need to go to the bathroom. Well, appearances can be deceiving. I'll see if Cook has anything, I suppose. Make a deception check. Okay, oh boy. Yeah, 19 plus you three.

You hold in there, you brave, brave young man. Oh, it's terribly sharp. I can imagine. Meanwhile, by the fire, Marguerite and Lionshield Banknote. Marguerite, you said you were sent away to some sort of temple. What was the purpose? Why were you sent away? I was in love.

With who? A young sailor man named Tobias. He used to sing to me. He was like a diamond on a beach. What song? What were the songs you would sing? Oh, the old krakens run. Jingle all the

Christmas men. Happy, happy day. Happy, happy day. It's a time to sing. Flying and running and swimming and sinking we'll fly the night through.

All the classics. Okay, so... While Marguerite is singing, Banknote is going to take out his little artifices kit. And is she wearing a brooch or anything? Is there any little bit of jewellery he can like kind of tinker with?

She has a brooch on her high neck collar. Would you mind if I just had a look at that for a moment? And he's going to... First of all, would she mind?

I have... I promise you well meaning for this. She has no reason not to trust me. Who are you shouting at? If that's what you want, I suppose. And he's going to...

I have to say, you are very, very forward for a man of your station. So she hands you with a bemused, curious expression in her eye. Don't lose it, sailor boys. That seems suddenly much more alert. She hands you the brooch. She's going to, Bagnote is going to do some magical tinkering with the brooch and have it sing that song on command when she wants now.

So you've got to sing the song because you're the one programming it to show us that you know. No, remember it from before. No, remember from before. Yeah, so do it. Oh, round and round on the thingy. Yes, that's it, yes. We're happy, we have so much fun Because we are on the music When I was a young man in the place

I had a big thing Oh, it takes me back And then we went to the fair And wrote the carnival games I won a big penguin It looked like my mum And all across the Hofferman house A house once famed throughout Daggerford

For the genius and promise of a family on the rise That now centuries of disaster, neglect and misfortune have laid low. Once again, the fires are stoked and the rooms are filled with the sound of laughter, hair braiding and singing. Yes, singing. But, for sadness can bring with it

such happiness and merriment. And for one moment, we can forget the sad, wretched fortunes that are in store. For one moment, we can forget the fearful futures of a cult on the loose and instead spend one happy evening with the Hoffermans and the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner

and are DM'd by Dave Harmon, with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Our guest this week was Carlo Ricci, playing, frankly, far too many Hoffmans. Shakira Khan designs our website, the podcast is edited, mixed, and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and episodes are recorded live each month

at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time!