Dragon Friends - #5.08. Have You Seen My Gloves with Carlo Ritchie

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

The mystery of the Hoffermans deepens, as The Dragon Friends are separated to try and gather the disparate pieces of a shattered family. Disguises are removed, allegiances are flipped and friend turns on friend as the tragic tale of the Hoffermans is laid bare.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We realised that we've been doing this show for four years, as of about two weeks ago. And there has to be a better use of time. Picture, if you will, a glorious decrepit old brownstone in the muddy quarters of Daggerford, faded now but good bones, a remnant of a once glorious old family, the Hoffermans. Proud patriarchs. What was that? What happened, Dave? Proud patriarchs, but a family nonetheless in decline.

Allow that picture to further focus and see Jovian Hofferman by the fire. A Kalamshite double standard whiskey in his hand. See also Magritte at a small armchair in the corner nursing a gin and tonic. Upstairs, Diametra Floshinay Hofferman, hair braided clumsily by a half-orc, nevertheless having a good time while sipping her honeyed wine. Realize also that it is 8 a.m., something I realized in the break. This is a family that starts to drink early. The Hoffmans have many reasons to drink.

There has been a death in the family. Proud Constant Hoffman now dead. Mysteriously, perhaps at the hands of that hideous cult, the Order of the Lampwick, that have evaded the dragon friends thus far. We have learned much, all of it confusing, but there have been rays of hope. The dragon friends have successfully interrogated some of the family, but even... You forgot Smiggins. some of the family, but... You forgot Smiggins.

Picture also a filthy, beshorted, balding, disgusting, decrepit butler standing, poisoning a teapot with poison out of a small glass bottle with a skull and crossbones on it

that looks like it's full of poison and then offering it to people, no one wanting any of it. You're wise not to take it. Smiggins, take it outside. These are the Hoffermans and their house is full of many mysteries, but those mysteries are beginning to be uncovered

quickly, it seems, by Bastogne and Bobby, who upstairs have found Hofferman's journal written in code, but still a prize catch, also a mace and also some riches. And as the clock strikes 9am, with three hours to go until the reading of the will, the family assembles once again in the drawing room with the dragon friends following in their wake. Jovian calls everyone to attention. Right, everybody, come to attention. He pours himself another drink.

What is it, eight o'clock? That's, okay, all right. That's breakfast. All right, everybody, come. Cousin Dimi, take a seat, you poor dear. I'm all right now. I'm alright now. I actually feel a lot better. Look at my hair. It looks

terrible. You look like a rope. That no way to speak to me, friend. Her hair look like a beautiful rope. Yes, and what was your last name? Fit.

Okay, then let's just move right along. Now, I'm told that there's going to be a will reading today, but that nobody has the will. Is that right? Look, I don't want to be a big stick in the mud here, but yes, I've been trying to say a wheel reading today, but that nobody has the wheel. Is that right? Look, I don't want to be a big stick in the mud here, but yes, I've been trying to say for the past hour while you've all been getting drunk.

Can anybody else explain it to me? I just don't want to hear this woman talk anymore. Be that as it may, Marguerite... Oh, do you hear something? I don't really know. I have a less shrill voice. And as he says that, he shuffles his body weight to another leg and there is a clunk. Oh, so sharp.

How are you doing, you poor brave soul? Look, I really must go home. No, I've spoken to the cook and we're having the whole toilet just shredded right through. I won't have it. Look. Cook was unhappy, let me tell you that. Look, I will say that I've messed my trousers totally and must duck home before the reading of the will.

Perhaps I could escort young Elizabeth and some volunteer member of the family. How long has passed? How long have we been there? It's 9am. You have three hours now. So an hour has passed? So Bobby is no longer looking like Bastogne and he's now naked and half-laked. Actually, an hour passes. So at that moment, bink!

And the spell fails and Bobby is now standing naked in the room. And because you cast Disguise Self to become a medium-sized creature, you then fall to the ground. Is that how that works? I mean, I think, yeah, the sentry... Hello. My god, there's a little

child in here. I'm lost. How long have you been here? I'm the long-lost heir of Hofferman. I'm his love child heir What? Of Hofferman I'm his love child What is it? Eight, ten?

Well, that's breakfast That's breakfast It's nine Jovian pours himself another drink Smiggins comes with more clothes For anybody that wanted them Anybody at all I'll take some

I'll take some. I'll take some of those clothes. Look, I don't know if I have suddenly got this idea, but I think that someone should go and get the will. I'll do it. I just volunteered. I've been trying to say. Yes. In their

defense, they've been trying to get the will for some time. Look, the will is in my office. I'm pretty sure my office is surrounded by whoever my client was afraid of. Perhaps this cult or something else. Now, I need one of you. Me. Me. No, not

you. Why not me? You are not a family member. I could be. Who wants to get married? Good God. Beth's done Donald do it. There are four people who could... Good, good, good. I will come.

Let me just get on my hat. Smiggins, get my hat from the hall, would you? But she's been keeping her eye on Lion Shield banknote this whole time. You there, Lion, why don't you come with me? Well, I mean... We can sing a little song together. No, no! At this, she sort of...

I'm just an old lady, I wouldn't mind a little... I need someone to help me walk. And she sort of leans over with her arm crooked. All of you have missed this, but clearly while you've been upstairs, some kind of energy has transferred between the elderly Aunt Marguerite and... Sex Olympic energy?

Bobby picks up on it and goes... Is there a ghost in here? Marguerite, I would be pleasured to take you to... It would be my pleasure. It would be my pleasure to take you to the wheel to get it for you. Oh, no. Oh, no. My heart's begun to palpitate for some reason.

Anyway. Is this the first time any character has, like, been romantically interested in one of your characters, Crizo? No, this is the first time that... I mean, yes. Except for Bastogne. This is certainly the first time that I've... Anyway, I'm fucked.

Anyway, let's keep going. Jovian offers to escort you as well, seeing as Marguerite is quite elderly. And he says, we could take my carriage. So that leaves the rest of you. Are you going? Just the three of you are going? Jovian is staying in the house.

No, no, he's going to go with them. All right. So Jovian, Marguerite, Banknote and Truscott are all going to go and get the will? Truscott can stay, but I mean... Yeah, Truscott can give the key. But what does Truscket want to do? I just want a stiff drink.

But I've had several. That's what I mean. I just wish I had one, because then I could think... Trusket's staying. I'll go with Banknote. Bastion will go with Banknote. All right, so that leaves

only a few dragon friends left in the house. Bobby and Phil. Well, if everybody's going, then perhaps Banknote and I could just stay. No, no. This is going to take too long. So you head off in the carriage. And I'll take the key from Truscott.

Yes, Truscott gives you the key and reminds you of instructions of how to get into our safe room. Margarita, I assume you remember the word. Hmm? Yes. Sorry, I was at sea somewhere. And, bank note, please don't take this the wrong way, but try not to burn everything down.

Yes. Smiggins, I'll be having lunch when I get home, and I want it to be hot and cold. Good man. Smiggins looks up where he is delicately balancing a broadsword in a suit of armour so that it will fall when someone walks past it.

Right you are, icy soup. Yes, good work, Smiggins. Stop cleaning the armour good gravy and Truscott goes to the cyborg and says whiskey please and the cyborg goes no whiskey for you and delivers it

alright so since nobody kind of like seems to care what Bobby suddenly appeared and the other guys disappeared I think Bobby feels a bit awkward Since nobody kind of seems to care what Bobby... Bobby suddenly appeared and the other guys disappeared, I think Bobby feels a bit awkward. I think he's going to just pop out to the morgue to get the coroner's report.

Right, yeah. So do you want to take Truscott with you? Sure. Okay, so Bobby and Truscott head off to the city mortuary to get the coroner's report. And that leaves Filge and Bastogne. Well, I don't have to go. I mean, you guys seem to want to.

So why don't you stay at the house? Okay. Because I don't want to. Actually, Bastogne takes Friso aside. Yeah, I'd be like, no, listen. Bank note. Bank note. Now, I'd be like, no, listen. A Bezo banknote, please. Banknote. Now, you're a young buck.

You remind me of myself in that I am a buck and I'm young. So, we're youngish. Anyway, let's not talk about that. Look, I just want to say, get in there, fellow. You know, you might think that age is just a number. You know, yes, she is ancient. just a number. Yes, she is ancient, but an older woman can be very experienced. Could teach you

a thing or two. Well, as a virgin. The carriage clatters off. Bobby and Miss Truscott make their own way to the coroner's office and Bastogne and Filge are left alone. With Smiggins. And Diametra? Diametra's gone back to her room. their own way to the coroner's office, and Bastogne and Filge are left alone.

With Smiggins. And Diametra. Diametra's gone back to her room. Diametra's back in her room. Well, as chief of police, do I have the hat for that, Dave? No. No, I think Bagnor has it. I think Bagnor is the chief of police.

You do have a giant heavy warhammer in your pants. All right. Filge is like, hey, Smiggins. And he's sawing the thing from a chandelier. When the last time someone ordered you to put your feet up. When someone say to you, hey, what's Smiggins feel like doing today? Any kind of mimes like stabby stabby. But you ever get time to do all those hobbies you like to do so much?

I like to paint. You like to paint? Yeah, landscapes. Oh, look. Look out that window over there. Ooh. A landscape. There's a nice sun. Sun's coming up. You know. Hitting the leaves over there. Ooh. A landscape. There's a nice sun.

Sun's coming up. You know. Hitting the leaves just right. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Oh, that's a cow. You want to paint that cow?

Yeah, I kind of do. You want to paint that cow? Yeah, I do want to paint a cow. Why don't you paint that cow? Yeah, okay. You want me to get your stuff for you? Mm-hmm. All right, I gotta go get...

It's in Smiggan's hut. Okay. I'm gonna go to Smiggan's hut. You put your feet up, and you think about how you're gonna paint that cow while I'm gone. Well, okay. And he gives you a key, and he's like,

careful, for the traps. Got it. I guess I'm going to go to Smiggins Hut. You made your bed, Alex. Just trying to be nice. All right, so you head off to Smiggins Hut and we cut to Miss Truscott and Bobby Pancakes as they arrive at the city mortuary,

the domain of the Daggerford coroner, Mrs. Arian Nossus. Now, just before we go in, I do want to apologise for, well, everything. Listen, we may be unorthodox in our approach, but we're not dead yet.

You fill me with such confidence. Look, I died in space and I'm still here, so... You keep saying that. Yeah, and it doesn't make me feel any better. Let's go inside, shall we? Dr. Gnosis is a tall, imperial-looking woman in her late 30s with high leather gloves that go up to after her elbow.

High leather gloves? Yeah, yeah. To sort of mid-elbow shoulder. Why are you describing these gloves so much? What's this area? The arm. Bicep, mid-bicep. Mid-bicep gloves.

Bicep gloves? Yeah, all the way to mid-bicep. Bicep gloves would just be like a stretcher thing to just go over the biceps. They have three straps on them, and they're leather, like they're brown. Is that a glove you've seen in real life before? No, I'm just... I started riffing and I got stuck.

And a white smock splattered in blood and two narrow half-moon glasses that she peers down at you at. Two? Two sets of glasses? Two lenses. Oh, okay. That's a one pair of glasses. If they're two half-moon glasses... You're not there! Neither of you are there. Probably just a full-moon glass, really. That's a one pair of glasses. If they're two half moon glasses... You're not there. Neither of you are there.

Probably just a full moon glass, really. Hello. Doctor, hello. My name is Robert Pancakes. Call me Bobby, please. I am here with Elspeth Truscott, the lawyer for the deceased Mr Hoffman. Ah, yes.

I'm right next to Yes. Have you seen my gloves? Hi gloves. They're very nice. Yes. They go right up to the, what do you call this? Part of the upper of the arm. I feel like a coroner should know what the body parts are called.

I suppose you'll want to see your client, Attorney Truscott. She says yes. This way. And you go to the area where there's a body laid out. You recognise it as Hoffman, the man from the portrait. As you can see, the bottom arms... ..are uncovered. Legs, thank you.

you are unmarked with the typical uh uh uh uh stumpy boys at the end with the little Feet. Feet. All the way up to the person box. No sign of foul play until we get... Does anyone not know what the person box is? No, the person box. I got that. Where the person is. Leg, leg, arm, arm, person box is? No, the person box. I got that. Where the person is. Leg, leg, arm, arm, person box. Where the person operating the person lives.

Where the homunculus lives. Yes, we all get it. But of course there was some inconsistency in the wind balloons. Yes, yes. Which is why he's no longer eyes open, walkie round. What nature are these inconsistencies? She goes on to tell you, because it is exhausting,

that it was a poison, as the lawyer had suspected, but not a typical poison. And she holds a compound, which is protected by the gloves, and she rubs it between her fingers and she says, what do you know of the assassin's poison, Midnight Tears? Neither of them. Well, Trask doesn't know anything. It is Bobby.

You can make an intelligence check if you want. That's a four. No, you haven't heard of it. This is a poisoner's... Poisoner's poison? It's a poisonous poison. It's the Stuart Lee of poisons. It's like gold standard poison.

That was a deep cut and the two people who laughed. Thank you. I mean, one of them was him. Sure. Within three days, utterly untraceable, impossible, can be destroyed instantly in contact with water to protect the poison poison if they need to destroy it. A masterful compound

but of course very difficult to administer. It must be given nightly to the patient. It can be either by means of aerosol or by ingesting but they need to take it every... You say via the aerosol? Aerosol.

I see. But they need to take the You say via the aerosol? Aerosol. I see. But they need to take the same dose every night, any night that they miss and they recover. What she's trying to tell you is, yeah, this took a while. It takes two weeks of dosing. So you've got to dose someone every night for two weeks, and if they skip one, you go back to zero?

They build up resistance and they become immune. Wait, but they don't build up a resistance if you keep giving it to them. It's a mysterious compound. The poison is poison, baby. Bobby just sort of sidles up to the body of Hoffman and just tweaks his earlobe just to see if Men in Black style is not a little alien driving him. I have to double check, but there is. There is.

Yeah, you solved it. Okay, that's really going to open up the mystery to more mystery. No, so she tells you everything she needs to tell you, and then says, I have to go eat breakfast, son, and go to sweet lunch. His effects and clothes that he was found in are on the stool by the body, if you've come to collect them as well. And what's in the inventory there?

On the inventory? What's in his effects, personal effects? It was a very video game term for you to use there, Simon Griner. I've never played a video game in my life, so I don't know what you're trying to insinuate. to Amphibia, is there Simon Griner? I've never played a video game in my life, so I don't know what you're trying to insinuate. The inventory on the stool is a pair of old Victorian pyjamas, a nightcap.

What kind of gloves does he have? Strangely gloveless, despite the intemperate climb. And other than that, that's all that he was wearing. No lockets with secret ciphers in them or anything like that? No, but you notice that in a pocket in the nightgown, there is a card wrapped in string. Okay. Can I just have a quick look at that?

You can take all of it. What's on the card? Well, I'll just give it to you. Ooh. Ooh, it's a prop. Oh, adorable. It's wrapped in a little bit of rope. It's got a real Ets give it to you. Ooh. Ooh, it's a prop. Oh, adorable. It's wrapped in a little bit of rope. It's got a real Etsy vibe to it, ear jockeys.

But before you open it, we will cut now back to... Smiggins Hut. No, to Smiggins Hut, sure. Yes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We'll come back to you soon, Hank. So what's in Smiggan's Hut? Smiggan's Hut is, there is, you see, a bunch of swords,

there is some vials of poison, there is a couple of sharpened guns, there are a few buzz saws, and there is a painter's easel. Can I have a look at that poison? I mean, I'm looking at everything. These are run-of-the-mill. And a poisoner wouldn't want to be seen dead with these poisons.

These are like off-the-shelf. A real huesy of poisons, I should say. Okay. I'm going to look under his bed. Okay. Under his... Small his bed. Okay. Under his smaller bed. Hello. I'm Smiggins Smiggins.

Smiggins has a butler. I keep his house in clean order, and I sleep here under his bed. Can I fetch you anything? Please don't tell Smiggins that you've seen me. I'm Smigg tell Smiggins that you've seen me. I won't. Smiggins, Smiggins. My name feels you the great pleasure to meet you. The pleasure is all mine.

You are just delightful. Listen, you seen Smiggins do anything particularly, I don't know, murdery lately? Not particularly. He's a very calm, dispositioned man. Why, I think of him like a god. Suddenly, you can hear, even from the house, but Bastogne, you notice because you're still in the drawing room, there is a pounding on the doors outside. Smack, smack, smack as the doors shake.

And Smiggins is just staring out the window? Smiggins is gone somewhere else in the house. So you're the only one in the house. Oh, well, okay. I'm going to... Okay. What would a butler do? What would a butler do?

He'd open the door. So I go and open the door and be like, I'm going to act like a butler. The doors open and in walks Father Brackenvald of the Old Hill Sanatorium. I need to speak to the family immediately. And he recognises him. Top of the morning, sir. What are you doing here, Baston?

Well, I'm... That's Inspector Baston to you. I'm on the case. Here, come upstairs. I was just about to inspect the place where the man died. He's escaped! Who has? The brother. He's escaped! Who has? The brother, he's escaped. The mad brother, he's escaped.

We don't know where we... How he did it. We've had him in the lock and key. But he's gone, the musician. Whose brother? What? Who's he related to? What's going on in at the top of the stairs,

Diametra Flotians? Is there? Oh, your majesty, pay no mind. You're the duke? What's happening? Where's Jovian? His brother Roman has escaped. Roman? I thought he was off with the Philharmonic. Yes, there's no time for that pretense anymore. He was locked up.

Do we remember meeting him in the sanatorium? No, you've never met Raymond. Oh, no. Well, where is he? What do I have to say? Here. Come in the study and have a stiff drink. They've just headed off to the

solicitor's office. Jovian has? Yes, he just left with all of our friends. And you haven't seen anything? You haven't seen anyone around here? I did my... Look at my...

Look at this. It looks like a rope. Phil, you show up at this point. It looked like a beautiful rope. Don't you go nagging my friend. You tell him, Fitz. Look, I don't want to sound melodramatic, but Jovian's twin brother is quite unstable and he's escaped from my sanatorium. That was a little much. No, you're right. I'm sorry. He's escaped. So what are you doing here?

Why aren't you looking for him? Well, I thought he might come here and try and attack his brother. Well, you were wrong. Roman, that his name, why he looked up in the first place? Did he have that cuckoo everyone else got? He walks over to the portrait behind you

and he taps again on the two boys that are standing in the distance behind the patriarch who you now realise look identical. Two boys, very different. One artistically temperamented and the other, well, just like his father. They went into business in Waterdeep. Waterdeep? I wanted to say Waterdeep, but I'm wrong.

Baldur's Gate. Baldur's Gate. Of course, I wanted to say Waterdeep, but I'm wrong. Baldur's Gate. Baldur's Gate. Of course, Jovian flourished, while Roman, having to give up his music, seemed to fall apart. The father felt it would be best to be discreet and to put him in my care. Now, of course, he's a very big donor to the asylum,

and I felt that I needed to acquiesce to this, and so I locked him up. He became more unstable until, as I've said, the event, which was his escape, which is why I'm here. This is awful. This is absolutely awful. We must find him. Well, I thought why I'm here. This is awful. This is absolutely awful.

We must find him. Well, I thought he'd come here. You haven't seen anybody. Jovian could be in trouble. He's out there right now. What took you so long, man? Well, I'll be honest. I think he may have been gone for two days or so. Two days? It's a very big

asylum. We've looked everywhere. Is Smitters there? Smitters is showing up, yep. Smitters. Smitters. Take, yeah, Smitters. Take me to Jovian's quarters. Well, hang on one second.

This lady here said I could put my feet up and I'd paint a landscape. All right, well, just give me directions then. I don't want to disturb you. To where? To Jovian's quarters. To Jovian's? His room? Yes. Oh, up the stairs to the you. To where? To Jovian's quarters. To Jovian's... His room! Yes.

Oh, up the stairs to the right. Mind the man trap that I set there. Alright. Bastogne rushes up the stairs. There's a bear trap at the top of the stairs.

Not hidden, just a bear trap. I'm going to leap over it very gracefully. Unnecessary? Unnecessarily gracefully. And flip and roll. Yeah,

it's good enough. Eleven. Eleven adjusted. It's very good looking. Anyway, and I burst into Jovian's room where Roman, dressed up as Jovian, is tied up. What? Unfortunately, no. Good try.

Okay. Not what I thought and run back downstairs. Jovian's rooms are... He's only just arrived, obviously, today. So he hasn't unpacked yet. His coat is there. Mr. Eli isn't there to be seen. And this trunk is at the foot of his bed.

Oh, wait. The trunk that Mr. Eli carried upstairs? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to smash it open. With what? With my foot, dummy. Hi-ya! foot, dummy. Hi-ya!

Oh, no. That's a six. No, six isn't good enough. Six and six is 12. Actually, have you taken the mace out of your trousers yet? No, it's still in my pants. All right. Ah. A cunning plan.

Try using the mace. Okay. Yeah. What do I get? I have plus... I don't... I roll a three. Okay, you're smashing and smashing at it, and Filge wanders upstairs and watches you.

Filge, here, I'm just feeling a little weary. Would you want to have a crack at this? Sure. Can I use that mace? Sure. I lift it over my head, and I give it a big old whack. Okay, with advantage. Oh, she gets advantage?

Fine. Twelve. Okay, great. It splinters and cracks and the mace feels really, really good and powerful in your hand. Oh, me getting revived from this mace. It looks good on you. Yeah, we really like working together. And as you look at it,

and as you look at it, the runes that are written in giant on it, which you can't read, materialise and you can suddenly read them. And it's the, you can read a name on the side of the mace. What does it say? Thunder's Wake. Thunder's Wake! Oh, great name. Is that Thunder's

Wank? Thunderwank. Thunderswank. Oh, great. Is that Thunderswank? Thunderwank. Thunderwank, sir. Thunderwank. The lock has been busted and anyone can now flip the crate open. Me do it. Okay, Phil pushes the... Thunderwank.

The crate flies open and inside you can see a delicate framed but handsome figure with his neatly curfewed hair in wild disarray. A figure gagged and bound of a man who is the spitting image of Jovian Hofferman. How did he lock himself in this box? in this box. I'm quiet with my finger over my lips, as is the traditional way to do it, yes. And then I slowly peel off the, I assume there's tape or something over his mouth.

Yeah, you pull the gag. Fantasy tape. Fantasy tape. Too many pennies make a pie. Put the candle out, Mr. Smiggins I'm tired Hey, what's your name? Mummy, Mummy Where are you?

I'm hungry for pudding But there's Christmas cake on the cabinets I slap him across the face Margarine is the finest of butters Hello Good gracious How did you get that last thought out? I had the most terrible dream

Who are you? Me, Filch Are you Roman? Jovian Jovian Me, I'm Jovian Who are you? Are you Roman? I'm Jovian I'm me I'm Jovian I'm Jo who are you

are you Roman I'm Jovian me Filge I'm Jo I'm Jovian wait you Jovian but Jovian been showing us around the house meanwhile

ooh Jovian Hofferman and Marguerite and Lion Shield Banknote you are making your way upstairs at Truscott House and quickly Banknote you pull the candlestick and the safe room door opens again. You can see the lockbox.

Well, he's sort of midway through a bit. Okay. Oh, I drank a big drink And I had a big thing And this is the box that we came here to get Oh there it is He'll sing it again I mean the thing is It's just been about four hours since we

How long has it been since we left? About 45 minutes 45 I've been singing constantly for 45 minutes And I just think that By now you should trust me With that secret word to open up this here lockbox. You know what, banknote?

I've never trusted anybody since my first love was taken from me. But all this singing, all this carrying on, the rambunctiousness of it all, it's put me in the mood to dance. Would you dance with me, banknote? Of course, my darling. And they dance.

And it's just beautiful. It's sort of a... She's crying. I'm calling waltz. It's a waltz? The crying. I'm calling Waltz. Is it Waltz? The Barovian Waltz.

Backnote, I guess being sort of, I guess, uninitiated in all these things is now holding an old crying woman as he dances. And I think he'd be freaking out by this. He'd be like, There was nothing in the game about this. Oh, no. Have all your characters read the game? I imagine they have. In the Hingerverse, it's the one line that...

It's the one book in every dimension. Jovian is tapping his fingers on the sideboard. He's like, this is very touching, but Aunt Marguerite, the lockbox, we need to take it back to the house. No, excuse me there, Jovian. We're having a moment. Do you know nothing? You know what?

You know what? I can see why you don't like him very much. Oh, you... Well, we can all have our little moments. You know, I've had moments myself. Sometimes I think, my poor brother Roman, you know, I think I was too hard on him. You know, I think he just wanted to be a creative.

You know, he just wanted to play music and I forced him into business. And, you know, I've pushed him to do things he didn't want to do, and I broke him. Maybe I'm the reason that he broke. That's what I think. If I'm going to have my moment, there it is. There it is. Is that what you wanted, Marguerite?

There's my moment. There you go. I broke my brother. I'm sorry, and I should be. And I'm sorry that I broke him. Oh, anyway, the code word's bumblebee. Click, and the lockbox opens. Oh, anyway, the code word's bumblebee. Click! And the lockbox opens.

Well, I imagine I should be taking this for safekeeping. And if anyone tries to take it from me, I mean, I'll have to... And as you splutter your way forward, Jovian very carefully and deliberately places his hand inside the safe box ahead of you. No, no, no, no, hang on, we should roll for that, shouldn't we? Yeah, by all means. You touch hands tenderly. 17 plus athletics. So banknote, you sort of splutter and you grab it quickly and you grab a thin locked folio.

Not so fast fast my man. Well the quick bird always catches the slowest mouse. And you hear a click behind you and as you turn around you see Mr. Eli standing in his study and he's just locked the door behind you. Oh, hello, Mr. Eli. No, don't speak up. Well, friends, there's only one way out of this room, and that is through Mr. Eli, with nothing in your possession, and as I sit here, chuckling to myself, holding the will.

That seems fair, doesn't it? You know, before today, I would have been a coward and I would have run away. But I've found love in my life. So I'll be damned if I give this to you, you monsters! And at this point... Oh, banknote. At this point,

what, Ig? Because I've levelled up, Dave. You said I could level up. Yeah, you're level four. To level four now. So I've learnt a few new spells. So what I'm going to do is charge at Mr Eli.

If we had to guess his level, what do you reckon that is? You're going to charge at Mr Eli Eli. If we had to guess his level, what do you reckon that is? You're going to charge it, Mr. Eli. And I'm going to go for a hug of him, like a bear hug, I guess. And as I do that... I think they call that a tackle. It's a what? It's a tackle. It's okay.

Sure, sure. Yeah, I'll give him a big old tat. The old run hug. Yeah, the old run hug. Yeah, it's a run hug I'm going to give a run hug at him And I'm going to cast Something called Thunderclap

Oh, okay At close proximity Like as close as I can So he's right at the epicentre Of said clap Yeah Okay, so that's a Thunderclap

That's a cantrip A level zero spell Is it? Thunderclap is, yep. Oh, sorry, Thunderwank. Sorry, Thunderwank. Thunderwank. Thunderwank.

Sorry, Thunderwank. Bruce Springsteen's third album. Thunderwank is what I'm trying to cast, Dave. So a wave of thunderous force sweeps out from you and a 15-foot cube in front of you, which will envelop... Now, you can get Mr. Eli by himself, or you can get Mr. Eli and Jovian, but to place that cube in that small room,

you're also going to have to hit Marguerite. No, no, I'll just go for Mr. Eli there. Alright, so he makes a constitution saving throw, which he fails, and he takes 2d8 thunder damage. Ooh, you want to roll them? Thunderstrap! Thank you very much. And that does 14 and he takes 2d8 thunder damage. Ooh. You want to roll them? Time to strike. Thank you very much. Oh, you're welcome. And that does 14 points of damage, and he's pushed 10 feet back,

and his huge frame smashes into the door, and it cracks open, and Jovian's turn is next. Goodbye, everyone. And as he starts backing towards the window, and he pulls out from underneath his peacoat what looks like a sort of slimline dueling pistol. I would say it's been a pleasure, but really, it hasn't been. There you go. I'm sorry that I had to say it, but I've not had a great time.

I'm going to be honest with you. Well, ta-ta. And he fires two shots clipped off at you, Lion Shield, and one of them hits for five points of damage. Oh, shit. All right. And the next one up is Mr. Eli, who charges at you and tries to tackle you.

Make for me a strength check. A strength saving throw. Or you can make acrobatics, if that's better. Oh, okay. That was a 15. Yeah, 15. Okay. You wriggle out of the way at the last minute

and he smashes into the desk and the door is open, but now Eli is between you and Jovian, who is still walking back towards the window, and it's your go again. At this point, I'm going to unfurl my turret and throw it at Jovian to burn him to death. Yeah, okay, this is your... You're going to go in flamethrower mode?

This is Bushu D2. Why would you make me do this? No more senseless death. No, no, no! Bushu, this... Bushu D2, this one's not senseless! He tried to shoot us! Oh, I'm upset.

Okay, great. So you're going to... You throw your... Your little Bushu D2, your Roomba with a flamethrower on it. I mean, this guy's a commoner, right? No, he's not. What gave you that impression? Okay, so he makes his pass.

He takes three points of damage, but the room starts to burn. It seems like every time we're upstairs, a room is on fire. Yeah, I wonder why. In which case... And now it is Jovian's turn, and he fires off one more shot at you, misses, and then throws himself backwards through the window, which shatters, and he disappears over the balcony.

What about Magritte? What's she been doing? Magritte is just... Isn't she... She's a priestess, right? So she can do stuff. She's an acolyte, but she's not a cleric. She's not a combat cleric. Okay.

Well, that was pretty crazy. But that is also not over, because Mr. Eli is still there. Um, and the... And Eli charges at you, attacks you, and hits you for another six points of damage. Oh, okay. How are you feeling over there, Banker? And it's your go again. I'm down to a princely one, which means we should get out.

How do you have one hit point? You're level four. Because I haven't healed. You're healed. Oh, did we? You're healed. Oh, great. Oh, I'm great then. You were healed. Oh, did we?

You healed, yeah. Oh, great. Oh, I'm great then. Woo! Woo! That's okay. I'm amazed that you're functioning with how feverish you are right now. Okay. Then I'm going to try and get out of here by using my final spell slot to cast...

What about your beloved? What? Yeah, with her, we're going to get... My last prepared spell is Expedition's Retreat. Okay, cool. And the two of us are going to sneak away out of here. So it's not traditionally a sneaking spell. Oh, okay.

Well, in that case, come to me, my love. We will away and fuck you. Okay. And you grab her up and she's surprisingly light case, ha ha, come to me my love we will away and fuck you okay and you grab her up and she's surprisingly light and you tear down the stairs and at expeditious retreat speed, double speed, you quickly leave Eli but unfortunately Jovian

is lost to you as you race back to the house and we now go to the coroner's where you are opening the envelope Bobby Pancakes. Oh boy it's blank no it's not um you are opening the envelope, Bobby Pancakes. Oh, boy. It's blank. No, it's not. It says,

Dearest Uncle, words cannot express how devastated I was that you felt unable to attend my wedding. The Flotians have been good to me and I hope in time you'll understand this. I've enclosed a small canister of the Rutherglen lamp oil we used in the ceremony, a small gift to mark the day The distance between us pains me dreadfully

I hope you will visit soon And we shall be family again D Signed D And as you read it, the bell starts to strike And you realise it's now 11 o'clock And you need to start making your way to Rivershine Hall for the reading of the will Meanwhile, in the house, Brackenvald, you're with Filge and you need to start making your way to Rivershine Hall for the reading of the will.

Meanwhile, in the house, Brackenvald, you're with Filch. Oh. Yes. Yeah, Brackenvald and Filch and Baston. Filch and Baston are upstairs with Jovian. With Jovian? The real Jovian. We don't know. Well, yeah, with somebody who says that he's Jovian.

Well... How we know you're Jovian, not the crazy one? How does a mushroom know where the ground starts? He sounds crazy to... He sounds like the crazy one. And then she goes, how does a mushroom know where the ground starts? Quite the little puzzle, isn't it?

Prove to us you're Jovian. How you get in this box? Yeah. I don't know. Everything's so hazy to me. I remember eating an iced cream. What flavor was it? I believe it was cherry.

Any good? You know, I can't remember. I'll have to go back to... Now, where was that? Baldur's Gate? Anyway, and then here. Hmm. Baldur's Gate.

We just hear... We just hear that Roman escaped from the sanatorium. Roman escaped. What's something that only Jovian would know? Oh, me know. Me think me was here for this conversation, so let's go with it. Remember that day when you

and your brother went to see the little duck? Which one of you killed the duck? Wouldn't they both have been there? At that moment... At that moment, as the bell chimes 11,

Smiggins is at the door and he says, Mom, the coach has arrived for Rivershine Hall. Well, that's not my name, but all right. Well, perhaps we should put this Jovi Roman. We don't know which one he is. I'm telling you, I'm Jovian. Well, I'm sorry, we can't trust you. Put your head in this sack.

He says as the sack goes over his head, his spine goes bolt upright and no sound comes out. And then what happens? We put him downstairs. And then we put him, we sit him in the box and push the box down the stairs. All right, the box goes down the stairs and then clanks shut at the foot down the stairs. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Alright, the box goes down the stairs and then clanks shut at the foot of the

steps. There is a carriage waiting up. Me taking this box on the carriage. Me and Baston pick it up and go, it's got my stuff in it. They said I could take a souvenir, so Smiggins, enjoy that cow, bro. Yeah, and he's there going, oh, what a lovely cow. Yeah, hey,

I'll buy it off you once you finish. It's quite good. I'll believe it when I see it. Okay. And with Cook's assistance, you grab the chest and you put it on the back of the carriage. What was all that commotion upstairs? Oh. Oh, this is Dimetra.

Dimetra. That's me. If you worry your pretty little head, then Bray's going to fall out. Oh, no. Please, Your Majesty, get on the carriage. And so all of you make your way to Rivershine Hall where you see Bobby waiting with Miss Truscott. And after a few minutes as you wait,

Lion Shield banknote tearing down the street arrives, holding Marguerite Hofferman. I've arrived with my new friend, Marguerite. Baston just puts his hands up. No, no, not yet. Alright.

Too soon, too soon. Like it's still on the cards. I mean, she's she saw me almost kill a man, which I think she might have liked, maybe. Oh, that's hot. Yeah. But also, I worry that there's something wrong with Jovian. He shot me twice. Miss Truscott says, do you have the will?

I mean, well, you stabbed me twice as well, so I don't know who I can trust. The only one I can trust is Marguerite. And do you have the will? Yes. Well then give it over. Why would I trust? Maybe we'll read it out now. Won't we Marguerite? Give her as a will. Sure. Yes ma'am. I love it when

you call me ma'am. And you pass the folio over to Marguerite and she pulls a key from around her neck and she unlocks it. A delicate thing though it is. And she pulls out a single piece of paper with a book underneath it. And she pulls up the paper and she quickly scans it with her reading glasses. And she announces, this is the final will and testament of Constant Hofferman to be read to those present. Are we all here?

Oh, yes. Let me take off Romanian's hood. Bastion opens the chest and takes the Romanian's hood off. Oh, yeah. This is one of them. So, you know. What? Who's that?

We think... Hey, real quick. Do you know the difference between Jovian and Roman? Me? No, Marguerite. Wait, you're not... Marguerite. You're holding her, so I was looking at...

If nobody has any objections. No. We're all here. We're all here. Read it out. Read it out. In his will, Constant Hoffman leaves his house

to his favourite niece, Diametra. Yes! In the hope that she remembers the Daggerford that was once her home and returns to it. I will. The family's expatriate holdings are to be left to Jovian Hoffman, who has done so much to improve his family's fortune.

Is he present? I don't know. Put him down as a maybe. What remains of his personal fortune is left to his sister Marguerite with the hopes that she will one day forgive him and instructions for special payments to be made to the Old Hill Sanatorium and explanations for the payments therein. And he passes a letter to Marguerite.

Boring. Yes. Well, that sucked. The terrible will. And finally he leaves his library to the town and his dukeship in the hope that the information therein may help in the days ahead. He also leaves this manuscript and this small note. And he passes to you, Bobby, a letter and a book.

I read the letter. Your Grace the Duke, all that is to come has come before. This is not the first time the celestial convergence has formed or the lost city has returned. But this time, the gates do not hold. The herald is a puppet. If you truly wish to stop him,

seek out his master, the Dark Count, who never forgave and never forgot. And as you take the paper away, you see a book that you have not seen for two years, but you would recognize immediately, that terrible and lamentable history of the noble house of Strahd. You turn to the last page,

remembering again that ripped page that had explained Sergei's fate. The terrible and lamentable history of the noble house of Strahd. So it came to pass on the night of Sergei's wedding, the disaster and discord befell this most ancient house. For Strahd, stricken with jealousy, could not abide his brother's happiness. As it goes on and on and on to a torn page. However, you now realize that that page is torn in exactly the same way

as the piece of paper that you found in Hoffman's journal. Which, as you put into place, the cipher swims before your eyes and becomes readable. And the city that held that ill-fated wedding is lost as well. For Strahd's anger was such that he used his foul magics to unstitch Petrina's beloved city of Carcosa from the fabric of the world. Now it floats in silence and despair, a cursed and lonely plain.

Now, for one day every hundred years, on the night of the celestial convergence, the lost city returns to the world. During that faithful night, Petrina awaits in the city with just seven gates standing between her and Strahd.

May that monster never broach the city and find his bride, for doom comes with him. Doom. Well, I guess I guess that's breakfast time then. And there, in Rivershine Hall, over a light meal of sausages and bacon,

some cannot think that perhaps that doom is already come, for with two gates already broken and five to be still holding lost terror and peril at bay, with the Hoffman family reunited, but a terrible affliction of anger and violence, rending brother against brother, niece against uncle, sibling against sibling,

despair has come to Daggerford, and there is little that can save it. Not the fortune of friends and family, not the solace of a hearty breakfast, and not even the trials and tribulations of that motley crew of doomed adventurers they called the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends. Thank you. Carlo Ricci, playing, frankly, far too many Hoffmans. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest.

And episodes are recorded live each month at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time.