Dragon Friends - #5.09. I Declare a Yoink

Episode Date: August 15, 2019

After putting on an admirable show of plot advancement, The Dragon Friends continue finding ways to squander the precious time they have left. Long rests are rolled for, paintings are completed and tickets are booked in this week's episode of Dragon Friends. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello Dragon friends, it's Hing here. I just spent $250 on a full body lobster costume off the website AliExpress and it's being delivered to me now from China. Why am I telling you this? Well, it's part of a weird stand-up show I'm trying to do. It's called Burn It All Down. It's basically a bunch of new material, and I'm going to be dressed as a lobster. The artistic merit of it is unclear at this point, but if you're in Sydney, you'd like to see it. It's on the 25th and the

27th, I think, of September at the Sydney Fringe. Yeah, you know how to find tickets. They're on Facebook and at the Sydney Fringe website or the Factory Theatre. Yeah, I'm dressed as a lobster to do stand-up comedy. Anyway, look, the other thing is we're doing Twitch shows every Thursday.

Twitch.tv slash Dragon Friends. That must have been so much fun. And this episode, let me tell you, is a real cracker. So yeah, enjoy. Proudly, in the money quarter of Old Daggerford, a stately old brown sprats. Do you know what? So yeah, enjoy. Proudly in the money quarter of old Daggerford, a stately old brown sprats.

Do you know what? That's the intro spiel to last month. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No daring do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it's true, that isn't the dragon way't the dragon daggerford modest town on a shining river home to farmers merchants caravaneers and the dragon friends newly found lords of a town at an uneasy time in four days a great eclipse is occurring the celestial convergence and already its imminence is clearly clearly felt a strange magical malady named the glimmering has spread through the land,

affecting artists, idiosyncratics, those with open and hungry minds. A figure called the Herald lurks in the shadows, and in four days' time, he has declared that the lost city will return and the world will end. The lost city, we have found out, is Carcosa, a gloomy place upon a sunless shore that Bobby sees regularly in his dreams. Ever since, he has been touched by its strange and eldritch magic. Carcosa, you have discovered, is significant for a second reason.

It is the site where a power-mad count named Strahd von Zarovich murdered his brother and his doomed bride almost 500 years ago. You, the dragon friends, killed bride almost 500 years ago. You, the dragon friends, killed Strahd three years ago. If he's really back, he's probably going to be a little bit upset about that. Point of order. Did we actually kill him, or did a magic mishap

force him to void his bowels to death? No, I think Bastogne... I think it was Phil. Or Phil... Someone threw like a banister through his chest. Bastogne...

He did become a great many bats. A great many incontinent bats. And then that was pointless. What was... I don't think that affected his health in really

any other way. Oh, no. Yeah, because he accepted all the coins. He accepted the magic coin. He jammed the magic coins into his mouth that made him. He didn't jam them into his mouth. Is that what happened? Yes, he voided his bowels

and then he was a bat and then he voided 10,000 bat buttholes and then I dragged control of the show of the narrative back from Ben and at that point I think you used the name sort of Sergei Vononsarovich. You broke his magical shielding and then Filch done him through the heart with a broken banister.

Sounds about right. Don't remember it, but sounds about right. His last words were, that's unexpected. And then he vanished into dust. You said that's interesting. I think you're right. Well, check back through the podcast and find out. well check back through the podcast and find out

if only there was a recorded medium through which we could check any of this before we came on stage tonight hey now that you have a kid

and I have a kid I don't have a kid no it wasn't pointing it's always about you mate okay how do you feel about um Xabi and

Moses and Milo and Sally listening to this season this series one day well um on that note Milo went up to his grandmother and said I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons and Milo and Sally listening to this season, this series one day? Well, on that note, Milo went up to his grandmother and said, I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons. And she said, what does that mean? He said, I'm a dragon.

So, God knows, he's halfway there. Oh, no. Well, Xavier's going to be a jock, so he's never going to listen to this podcast. And your kid's going to be an alt-right imagineer. Yeah, no, it's a shame. A provocateur. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a shame. A provocateur. Yeah.

Yeah, we got him on YouTube real early. Just after lunch, outside the Shining River Dillon Beer at Rivershine Hall, at the reading of Hoffman's Will, everything is wrapping up as the solicitor, Elisabeth Truscott, approaches. And I'd just like to say to Banknote especially, thank you so much for taking such good care of my office

and removing this will without incident. Oh. Madam, did you come with us to the office at all? No, it was just Marguerite and, of course, Roman and banknote. Well, in that case, your thanks are unwarranted. I think you'll find that actually I may have burnt down your office. Or maybe it was the baddies. I think it was the baddies.

And if anything, I... What emotion is that? Is remembering an emotion? Anyway, I think you'll find I'm very sorry about that if it did happen. I think you'll find. Please enter into the court's records. I, yes, let the record show that I am very sorry if I had anything to do with it, which I don't admit that I did.

Well, it sounds like I should probably get back to my office. Well, I mean, you could probably get back to my office. Well, I mean, you could, but there's nothing left, so might as well stay here. Which of you is currently the Duke? It is still banknote until midnight tonight. If you remember, you have the Duke of Coin, which I took for safekeeping because I didn't trust you, Michael Hing,

not to lose it. But here, you have it until the end of the day under the strange system of government that you have foisted on these people. So far, so good. Yes, I believe I am the Duke. I think you'll find that I am the Duke. I was really hoping it wasn't you, but

look, here is the key to Hofferman House. Sorry, I'm just practicing for my musical tonight. Oh, Miss Druskin, what's your musical tonight? Yeah, Ben, what's your musical tonight? We actually, you know, we could probably squeeze it in. The Duke is a great supporter of the arts.

Oh, yes. It's a small community theatre. You wouldn't want to see it. Arian Nossus, the coroner, sort of nudges you and says, oh, she's actually being very modest. She's got the starring role. Oh, Miss Truskett. Minya, you had a set of pipes in that bony little body. She's got the starring role. Oh, Miss Truskett. Yeah.

Minya, you had a set of pipes in that bony little body. Yes, it's an original piece. Called? Who is Stealing My Cabbages? It was written by the farmer near the Floshan Estates. Which character do you play? I play The farmer His wife

I play the farmer's wife Oh a feminist piece Brilliant Yes Yeah Anyway Here's the key Here's the key

Why no If we're going to go along I'd like a taste Before we buy tickets It's only fair. A log line. Leave it a libretto. Do you know a libretto from the piece, perhaps?

Oh, someone stole my cabbages. I need them back. Someone stole my cabbages. Give them back to me I love them in a soup I love them in a stew Oh, someone stole my cabbages Give them back to me.

We'll be there. Oh, Miko, wait till you see the whole musical. It goes for nine hours. Miss Truscott leaves and doesn't return. You know, I'm really thinking about that song. nine hours. Miss Truscott leaves and doesn't return. You know, I'm really thinking about that song. It's the classic I Wish song from a musical. Now, just to

paint the room, the rest of the Hoffermans, Margrethe, Roman, Jovian, now sorry, Jovian looking a little worse for wear. You took him out of the trunk. Margrethe and Smiggins are all making their way back to Hoffman House. You can catch them if you want to before they leave. Was that how it sounded?

Was that a... The colour was using words. That's the sound of them. No, that was us listening to them from a distance. Oh, right. They're fainting while you're going... Because it just sounds like your turtleneck's cut off the... And this key to Hoffman House, Dave,

is it a key to the front door or is it a key just to every door in the house? It's a key to the front door. It's nominally there so that you have access to Hoffman's library, his works studying the history of Daggerford that he left to the town. Oh.

You haven't inherited the house, but the family... I haven't inherited the house? No, but the family tend to spend their time through Baldur's Gate, where Jovian lives, the Flourish Estates where Diametra lived, and Marguerite lives in Barovia. We could, I mean, if we hurry back now, we could probably go visit Marguerite. She's still here. She hasn't left. Do you want to catch a moment with the Dowager?

Yes. Is Ben playing the Dowager? Is Carlo here? No. Yeah, it's me. It was like a German accent. She was kind of German. Not that it matters because I can't do a voice.

Marguerite. Marguerite. Yes. I wanted to talk. I wanted to pick your brain About what happened between us In the carriage Sure

Are you getting hung up on it? Are you going to be weird about this? I mean I actually don't know How these things are supposed to go afterwards How long you meant to wait To try again You seem like a nice boy.

Oh, good. But you also seem like a boy. No, no, no, no. That's just... And as she does it, she very slowly takes off the necklace and clasp that you had enchanted, and she grabs your hand and gently places the little brooch in your hand

and closes it. Um... We'll always have have the back of the carriage. She says, in just two hours' time, I am on a horse to Barovia. I do not think we will see each other again, young sailor boy. I said, see you later, boy. Young sailor boy.

I said see you later, boy. Because he isn't good enough for me. As a final parting gift, but please, please don't forget me. Let me give you something to remember me by. Okay. What? No, you don't seem that keen.

Carlo was more into it, Ben. Oh, was he? A little bit Oh Okay Oh no, if you're going to be like that Humminah, humminah Mama like Dial it back a little bit

Dial it back? Yeah, yeah Ben has two modes I'm sorry, I offered you something. It was stupid of me to ask. You idiot. You idiot. Oh, now, now.

Tell me, little boy. Tell me, little button face. What do you want to give me? Do you want to give me a little treaty? Do you want to have a little treaty for me? You want to give me a little treaty? You want to have a little treaty for me? I... You know, all I have on me now is this bag of 1000 ball bearings. Which I want you to have. She's a quite old lady.

She goes, Is there some significance to this? At one point I tried to put them into my anti-matter rifle, which burnt itself in any way. They're yours, and when you use a ball bearing

in a bicycle wheel or in any other kind of wheel, or I guess just to lubricate two things in a machine, please think of me. You need to roll dice or something. No, I think I'm happy with that. Meanwhile, Walt drags the ball. Meanwhile, while she drags the ball, Stonemaatrice slowly drags a sack of ball bearings down the stairs, thunk, thunk, thunk, towards the carriage.

Bobby's like, dang, man, your ball bearings. You must really love her. They were given to me by my father as he died of ball bearings. He ate too many and passed. How many's too many? One. One.

Meanwhile, Filge and Bobby loitering at the side. Bobby, you've just inherited the Hoffman Journal as well, which is a book written in cipher that was given to you by the late Constance Hoffman, and he believed it would help you in the times to come against the Dark Lord. But you, at this moment, are being accosted by Sergeant Luce Smythe of the City Watch and Coroner Knossus, who's sort of sidle up to you. They had voices.

They did. One of them was a coroner. You be the coroner. I'll be Sergeant Luce Smythe. They did. One of them was a coroner. Yeah, the coroner. You be the coroner. I'll be Sergeant Lees-Mind. All right. Coroner? Yes.

What's wrong with my brain? What the coroner means to say. I mean, that's in keeping with a coroner's character. As you know. Oh, I mean, that's in keeping with a coroner's character. As you know... Oh, I mean, what's wrong with my think space? As you know, these are dark times for the city of Daggerford. What with these mysterious fires springing up here and there and the mysterious disappearance of Inspector Boggins,

who has been declared dead, and we've just received word that his widow has, in grief, locked herself away and is refusing food. And we feel the worst for her too. Food goes in the tummy. The best damn coroner we have. In Inspector Boggins' absence, of course, it would traditionally fall upon your dukiness to tell us... Is this case closed then?

We need a name to arrest. To put in the not get out box. Is it just me? Did anybody else's parents call permanent markers not come off pens? No. What?

Because I said to... The fuck? I said to my wife the other day, I was like, do we have any not-come-off pens? And she was like... That's not a... So as a child, you had... Come-off pens and not-come-off pens.

Yeah, come-off pens. Yeah, it was a whiteboard marker and not-come-off pens. No, no, no. Those markers have the word permanent and whiteboard written on the side. Yeah. Too many letters for little Ben. I was not a bright child. Anyway, yeah.

It's fine. If it's an unsolved mystery, I'll just mark it unsolved. We'll put it in the X-Files. It was old Twinzo. The, the, the, did he die? Roman Hoffman. Yeah. He killed, he killed Constant Hoffman

Oh yes Well put him in the Well no Yeah along with The butler Smiggins The butler did it Yeah

The murderous man Sharpening a gun In the corner over there Yeah He sharpens a gun I do Classic Derek Spatz

Grab him And these two burly guards grab Smiggins. I didn't do this specific murder. I told you. We'll get a confession out of you soon enough. Take him down to the watch. Jeff Filch steps in. No, me figured it out.

Me listen back to the podcast. me listen back to the podcast. Me believe there was a certain oil from a lamp which incriminates Diametra. There's a gasp and sort of the crowd parts as one and you can see the figure of Diametra in the white dress just as she's about to slip out a side door. Oh, hello. I was about to go and get away from here.

And then she runs as fast as she can. Is she running? Yeah, she starts... Well, to be honest... No, she's running. What are you doing? Oh, I'm chasing. I'll chase after her. So Banknote tries to crash tackle her. Make for me an athletics check.

Opposed by Diametra. She gets a five. I also got a five. Did they crash into each other and both pass out? Her strength modifier is minus one. What's yours? Also minus one. We're twinsies.

Do you want to go best two out of three? No, no, no. They do the handshake from the parent trap. I'm going to say that she and you run so badly that she smashes into the door, falls down, the door bounces against the doorframe as you arrive, smashes into your head and you fall down on the other side. Bravo.

But you think you're the one that got her and you both take four points of damage. Look, arrest someone, don't arrest someone. The world's going to end in four days. Honestly, who gives a shit? Oh, Bobby. You okay over there, little buddy? You want to talk?

Obviously not to me. Someone who can help. Yeah. Look, I mean, I guess it is bigger... We've got bigger fish to fry. If we're going to stop the end of the world, we should probably get on with it. To be honest, it would be hypocritical.

To do what? For dragon friends to punish someone for murder. Just one. Hey, what do you mean? Why don't we take her back to the castle so we can hang on to her and question her. Yeah, we'll put her in the cell with Boggins. Yeah, exactly.

What did you say? We'll put her in the cell with Boggins. Yeah, exactly. What did you say? We'll put her in the cell with Boggins. Inspector Boggins? Yeah. Yeah. What? He's interrogating a witness for us. Yeah.

For three days? Of course. He's very thorough. Uses a brush and everything. His wife has already been... He's undercover. They gave his son away to an orphanage. Well, that was rash.

After three days, we've got to go back to that orphanage. He's a real stinker. We'll adopt him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which orphanage? Well, Boggins might want him back.

Well, hey, he's been dismissed from the family. He's anybody's now. Yeah, what's Inspector Boggins' son name? Randall. Brandall? Randall.

I was really hoping his name was Todd. How old is he? Todd Boggins. Ah. He's three years old. You want to meet him? Yeah. Yeah.

To the orphanage. To the orphanage. You hear a discreet clearing of a little throat behind you, and you see the rotund yet immaculate figure of Le Croix Pomplemousse. Excuse me for clearing my throat like this. It was to get your attention. I do not have a cough. So I'm sorry for the little bit of deception on my part.

Get on with it. May I just begin by saying your jokiness do sound very, very nice and look very, very well. What's he saying? I feel like he's talking. He's standing in front of a carriage. Oh, yes. I have arranged this carriage all by myself, no big deal, to convey you back to Dagobred Castle

at your earliest convenience, which is perhaps now. Yeah, can you just deal with the wash shenanigans, please? Ah, dealing with the shenanigans is something that I live to do. If I could just say for one moment that all of the priests that you told me at some

great expense to have look after you in the castle have arrived and waited a few hours and gone home, and that was fun. Should I? Luckily, I am a master of small talk. LaCroix, we are looking into the adoption of a young fellow named Randall Boggess. Okay, now this is absolutely, you're right, Alex, as a player of that wonderful game Dungeons & Dragons. But I do want to point out that you did have a wonderful adventure last night through the night.

Advantage, if you remember. You almost all got yourselves killed and you walked through day and now you have been adventuring until 1pm the next day. No wonder it's a grouchy. You can... We've been day drinking. You are welcome to go to the orphanage or even go to Elsa Petruska's

opening night show and after party, but... I do want to point out that from this moment on, you will be suffering exhaustion until you all get a night's sleep. You also have used some spells. How far away is the theatre from where we are now?

Oh, actually, the show's here at Rivershine Hall and you can see somebody discreetly taking down the big picture of Constance Hufferman and somebody else slowly erecting, respectfully and as quietly as they can, a giant wooden

painted turnip. Cabbage. I think you mean cabbage. No like, wooden painted turnip. Oh. Cabbage. I think you meant cabbage. No, it's a turnip as well. Oh, it's a turnip. It's a nine-hour show. Wait, so if we're exhausted now and then we watch a nine-hour theatre show...

We'll be rejuvenated, right? Yeah. I mean, Dave, you of all people, as someone with a degree in theatre... Wait, wait. There is a solution. Are there any bistros doing, like like a pre-fee halfway? Like a three course maybe? You of course could go to the Caravan Quarter.

There is the Roaring Bull Tavern. There is the Dragonback Inn. There is the Farmer's Markets. You can usually get some food. There's the Illustrated Man Cafe. What time does the show start? There's the Illustrated Man Cafe, sorry. What time does the show start? What are you doing?

The show starts at seven, doors open at six. I've got an idea. Let's push on, we'll push through, keep drinking. Let's go to the Illustrated Man, two birds, one stone. That's where those bad guys were running to who tried to poison us with their stabby throw daggers. I'm worried that after I took four door points, I am running a bit low. I might go back to the castle and rest off.

Yeah, I can't read my character sheet. It can't tell if it says 63 or 6. That's quite crucial. Let me see that. I'm pretty sure you don't have 63 hit points. Well, I guess I'm on 6. How did I hurt myself so bad? I can't even remember. Oh, well, maybe we should... Okay. Why don't have 63 hit points. Well, I guess I'm on six. How did I hurt myself so bad? I can't even remember.

Oh, well. Maybe we should... Okay. Why don't we go... Actually, if you've crossed it off, I think you're at full health. I think you're at full health. Me worried that Elspeth's going to look at the audience,

see all the reserved seats for the Dukes empty and be really disappointed. Oh. Why don't we go... She doesn't care. We could paint eyes on our eyelids and have a snooze in the theatre. The perfect plan.

But of course, I will arrange for five very big comfy pillows to be sent to Rivershine Hall. And some, what was it? Eye paint. Yes, very good. Okay, well, that's three good ideas. Baston, you can choose which one we do. That's how dukes make decisions. Alright, well, let's go back

to... Every day a gate opens. Every day Carcassian Doom comes close to the city. You're going to watch a nine hour amateur musical. Wait, wait, wait. If the world survives, do you want to live in a world without amateur theatre? It's a good point. It's like that

Winston Churchill quote. Who stole my cabbage? Just out of curiosity, do we detect any gates having opened today already? Well, the gates open one a day, usually after the Herald. The Herald was slumbering, you had already heard that. So, once the

Herald awakens, they will open a gate tonight. Can I start playing the overture to the show? You can do the warm-up. There's a technical rehearsal happening in the background. Okay, let's two birds it. Let's go past the illustrated man. Lay in some... You have five hours, so yeah. Five hours till...

I hate myself, but five hours till curtains. We have six hours till curtains. We have five hours till doors. Okay. Let's... Okay, so, we're going to go back to the castle.

We're going to release Boggins. Okay, to do some policing. Release? I thought you said he was investigating. Relieve him of his duties of the investigation. We're going to the castle right now. And then we'll come out, we'll have a few drinks at the Illustrated Land. And we'll have a wonderful evening.

Okay. All right. That sounds good. All right. Into the carriage. Of course. All right, so you make your way up the hill and through the gates into Daggerford Castle, which with the midday sun, it's resplendent in the sky, looks swell.

I'm really angry about this musical. We broke our day! You make your way, trying stifling a few yawns, you make your way back into Daggerford Castle with the City Watch close on your heels. And one of LeCroy's footmen is sitting there with a note as you arrive. And he passes it to Pomplamoose, who looks at it very quickly and then hands it over to you, banknote, and says, your dukiness, a letter from the monks of Ilmater at the sanatorium I open up the letter and I

what does it say? So the letter is in a quite unfamiliar hand and it's a yeah that's right. It says Jebediah Brackenwald regrets to inform you that he cannot attend his dukeship

he accounts for his failureskeship. He accounts for his failures, as must we all, before the sleepless court. The church administratum administratum? Yeah, I just thought it sounded fancier. No, look at me, I'm Dave! Sorry, was that, is that written in the letter? Yeah. No, it's not.

Is retaking control of Old Hill Sanatorium. This is an internal church matter. No comment or response is necessary. Okay. So, so, um, it says here that the person running the sanatorium, you're the angry man who comes and yells at us every now and again. He sucks.

He's left. He's given up the old sanatorium business, and he's gone, I think, into sleeping courts. Which I don't... Make a religion check for me. What are sleeping courts? Religion. That's where they play black tennis.

DC 12. 11 is what I got. You don't know what the sleeping court is. Something called the sleeping court. So you can decide what the sleepless court is. Sleepless court, I imagine it's some sort of mattress store. That's a terrible name for a mattress store. No.

Oh, I'm so, I've been staying in sleep. You can't sleep here, but you can at home. That's why they call it that. Okay. Time for you to go to bed, I think, banknote. Yes, I'm very tired. So I wonder who's running the sanatorium now. Just free for all, or?

It's actually, it is, there's a mark on it. It just says Scarrow at the bottom. Scarrow. Well, if there's, if I've ever heard an evil name, it's Scarrow. Evil, evil, evil. Put him on our question list. All right. Well, shall we go check if Boggins is still alive?

Yeah, you can take a short rest here if you want. You can take some hit dice of healing if anybody needs it, if you have any left. I'm going to full commit and do the long rest six hours? No, it's normally eight hours. So are you going to... Because you're not an elf. Oh, shit.

Are you going to go to bed? Yeah, I'm going to go to bed. Excuse me, friends. I'll meet you at the first intermission of the show. Okay. And Banknote retires to his hyperbaric chamber. So what are you going to do here? What do you mean?

You're going to play some NPCs? You got a little switch in there, buddy? Oh, well, no. I'll just watch for a bit and I'll throw some... You can come back to me and we can talk about my dreams. I don't know. I've got four hit points, Dave. I can't go out there.

Leave me alive! Can we take a... What do you get back hit points for a short rest? Any hit dice that you haven't spent already And I know that Some of you already did After the fire But you can

So If you haven't spent Any hit dice yet You can roll them now To get them back I can spend Oh my god We've been doing this

For four years How many do I have Do I have seven How many can I have Yes you have one You have 4d10 3d8. I can just heal all that right now.

No, I think I am on six because I didn't hurt myself quite a lot. Very badly. Yeah, I'm on 13. Okay, I'm going to say you all have half. I've got full hit points. Did you say what are hit points? Go and sit outside. No, I said I've got full hit points.

Oh, you've got full hit points. It's because you're so tricksy and sneeksy. Okay, I'm going to say you have 4d10. Hit dial, you can roll that now and geteksy. I'm going to say you have 4d10. Hit dial. You can roll that now and get back. You have half. You have four levels. 4d12 for a barbarian. Drinking.

Baston has a short rest and goes down to the prison where Boggins is. Okay. So are you bringing the watch with you? I say, wait here. I need to get the results of this interrogation and write it down in a book of thoughts that I keep collected for my investigation, which I am doing. And then he slowly backs away. Make for me an intimidation check. Slowly backs away.

18, that's fine. Yeah, easy. The watch for now will sit and you walk downstairs and you see two figures. Two figures, one of them mostly ignoring you, painting frantically in the corner, and the other with his hands gripping the cell until his knuckles are white is the figure of Inspector Boggins. Why do you look a little tense? What have you done?

What have I not done? Let me out! That's what you haven't done! Okay, you need to calm down, alright? Promise you. What are you making that noise for? What? Use your words. I'm gross. What are you making that noise for? What? Use your words. Okay, fair enough.

Now, I would say I'm sorry for leaving you in here, but that would be admitting guilt, wouldn't it? And I'm not going to do that. Now, I'm going to let you out of here. Spooky music. What? I'm going to let you out of here, and I have a special dookie mission for you. What's going on with your face?

You look at me like that A special dookie mission Okay Okay? Alright I need you to go to the illustrated man tavern Mm-hmm Disguised

Can I please tell my wife that I'm okay? When you're done with your mission And not before I just want to see beloved Randall again Oh, yes, best delay that. For no reason. So you want to convince him to go undercover to the illustrated man with you.

Yes, and find out, no, no, by himself. I have other things to do. Are you going to a play? Absolutely, I'm going to a play. Well, later we've got to go to the sanatorium. I just want someone there just staking it out. Okay. Does anybody remember what Boggins sounded like?

Just broadly me. It was just a garden variety bentoff. Was it? It was just classic Ben, I think. Alright. Classic. Remember when they got rid of classic Ben and brought New Ben? Yeah. New Ben is obnoxious. Classic Ben was so good, he didn't need to change.

I need you to... You're trying to persuade him? Yes. Persuasion. That's a four. Six. Plus two, Dave. Plus two.

Okay, he's... No, he's a broken man and he... I just want to go home. Oh, well, fine. Okay, he's a broken man and he put his foot down. I just want to go home. Oh, well, fine. If you let me out, I won't do anything bad. I won't tell anybody that you locked me in here for no reason. I promise.

Stop blathering, man. All right, go home to your family. And here's a little hint. You might want to stop by the orphanage. Again, for no reason. Just check around. Are you opening the door? Yes, and one final thing.

There is corruption within your ranks. Who? I can't tell you that. It's not me. That's all that I'll tell you. Who's been running the police in my absence? I have been doing a very good job, thank you very much. Who has, though? Loosemith.

Loosemith? Oh, he's upstairs. Let's go see him. So you open the door and Pomplamoose is with you and he, with a flourish, an unnecessary flourish of his hand, he indicates for Boggins to ascend the stair and as you turn around to go, you suddenly are arrested in your place

because a very gaunt but strong hand is holding you and you turn around and you discover that Thomas Smedley has grabbed you by the sleeve. Unhand me! Thomas Smedley is, of course, the artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is nearly complete. Yes, it is.

Ha-ha! Go on. The work, the great work, is almost complete. Oh, you've done a new painting? A few more touches here and there. Adorable paint. Go on then, show us. And he moves to the side, and the light shines on the painting.

It's not finished yet, but it seems to have two figures. Both men, both looking incredibly alike. Embracing. In a kind of marbled archway. What do you call this one then? I've got something. Hugging

boys. The Brother's Gate. poor Tom calls it. It's called The Brother's Gate? Yes, it is. It's one of Tom's best works. Do you like the shading? You know what? I do.

Thank you. Two guys hugging under an arch. That's all you can make out now. It looks like it will be about three or four hours before he's finished. Well, keep up the good work. And Bastogne goes upstairs. Gently locking the door. Great, you go upstairs where you can see tears running down his cheeks,

Loosemith embracing Boggins, his best man and best friend. Anyway, it was all a misunderstanding. I was enjoying being here a lot. And I'm out of where I wanted to be. And now I'm here and everything's great. And Loose Mouth is like, this is amazing news. We'll take him to the wife, Boggins, immediately. Did you just...

There's some forms you're going to have to fill in. And a ham you're going to have to fill in. And a ham you're going to have to return. But with your Duke's permission, we'll make our leave. Yes, you may. Great, and so now it's about 4pm now. You've taken a two hour rest. So what is that in terms of time till curtains? Three till curtain, two till doors.

So that's the time that I work in. You haven't bought tickets yet, by the way. Baston goes through everyone's rooms with two saucepans, banging them. Okay, well, I guess your long rest is ruined. No, you can't get into a hyperbaric chamber. It's true. It's not a hyperbaric chamber.

That is the benefit of you sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber. Can I bang the pencil pen on the hyperbaric... Wake up, wake up. No, it's a sound... I've got four hit points. Make for me a performance check. Okay. You're killing...

You're literally going to kill me. Performance, 18. 18. Make for me a constitution saving throw. All right, all right. Where are my cabbages? Wisdom, wisdom saving. That's a net 20, motherfuckers.

Natural 20. Fuck, I love it. I can sleep through anything. One of you fuckers rolls a natural 20 and it's for sleeping. I'm afraid to say that, Baston, you simply can't rouse Lion Shield, who sleeps in a regenerative stupor. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

And he talks in his sleep. That's the most combat we've had all show. I'm going to go wake up Bobby and Filge then and tell them about the painting. Both awake. Oh, good. We had a short rest. So, our little friend has been doing the art again. Ah.

Looks like two boys are going to be hugging under an arch at any moment and the world could end. Wait. What was the name of the artwork? Hugging Boys. He couldn't come up with anything, so I named it. Really? There was nothing else that would have given us a clue at all? Does he not remember? That they were hugging under an arch.

It's fine. Oh, wait, it was called The Boys Hugging. The lovely boys. Pumple the Moose says, It is still downstairs if anyone would like to take a second look. Are you confident?

What did the boys look like? Oh, they looked like they really liked each other. No, but physically, what were the attributes? Oh, beautiful, lovely, and buff.

Equally lovely, equally buff. Why don't we go have another look? First one leads you down and indeed they both look quite lovely tall and thin, both of them with powerful features which are even more rendered in finer detail

as he has continued to draw frantically and they look like identical twins. Twins! I know twins. And written at the bottom it says The Brothers Gate. But he's starting to think, he's going, is Hugging Boys better? Be honest, Hugging Boys? Brothers Gate, Hugging Boys, Brothers Gate.

What did we do with those two murdery brothers? Is one of them still in a box? Yes. No, no, no, no. You took him out of the box. I listened back to check if you took him out of the box. You unfortunately took him out of the box. And what back to check if you took him out of the box. You unfortunately took him out of the box.

And what about the other one? Did the other one escape? So Roman Hoffman escaped from the sanatorium. He disappeared when he fought with you, banknote. Jovian Hoffman, the banker, had said that he was going back to Hoffman House to collect his effects because he was leaving for Baldur's Gate the way he came, by teleportation circle. Oh, right. So there's no way they can possibly meet and hug.

There absolutely is. I don't know if he's teleporting out of here. Yeah, but what if he gets there first? But don't they hate each other? There's no way they're going to hug. Yeah, but the hug might be like a wrestle. Oh. Can I have a look at the artwork? Is there any detail on the gate?

Make an investigation check. You'll need, again, 12. So what's your investigation? I've got a 10 after that. A 10. Unfortunately, you can't get any more detail. Obviously, if you just wait... Oh, okay.

17. I'll say with advantage the two of you look at it. Bobby, you notice something which is that one of them's wearing a brown tab and one of them's wearing a green jerkin but the green jerkin

even though the painting isn't finished don't laugh. It's a real fantasy word. And his jerkin is stained

with a deep red there's a red liquid in it. Oh dear. is stained with a deep... Ha ha! Red, um... There's a red liquid running down one of... But it could be any red liquid. He's hugged him so hard, his belly buttons burst. Wait. And as you watch,

meticulously, almost ignoring you, Thomas Smedley is painting and painting, and then he paints over part of the embrace as if he's realised something and he frowns at it, and he repaints the hand of one of the brothers, and he paints into his hand a long, curved knife. Guys, we have to go to Hoffman House. Now.

Real quick. The arch. Is it... Can Baston... Has he seen that kind of architecture anywhere? The only person who would have a chance of recognising architecture on Daggerford is Bobby and Filge, so. I got a 17 plus 6. I'll let you guys make history checks with advantage so you can make one each. History check.

Is that plus intelligence? A 13. Nope. 13. 13? Still flawless at sleeping. You recognise, Bobby, a place that you have been once before. The fresco you have seen.

But a 13, I can't tell you where it is, but it is a place in Daggerford that you have been years ago. Maybe it'll come to us on the way to Daggerford Castle. We're in Daggerford Castle. That was quick. I mean, Hofferman House. It's not a place you've seen recently. It's a place you've been to years before. Is the sanatorium on the way to Hofferman House. It's not a place you've seen recently. It's a place you've been to years before.

Is the sanatorium on the way to Hofferman House? No. The sanatorium is outside the town of Daggerford and Hofferman House is in the money quarter of Daggerford. Okay, so Hofferman House is closer. Yeah, much closer. Let's go to Hofferman House. Hofferman House.

Dave, I was just thinking about what I can do during this episode. Yes. And you know who got left behind at Elspeth Truscott's estate? Bushiditu. Was Bushiditu the little robo-droid? Yes. I think...

Meanwhile, in Elspeth Truscott's office... Oh, dear. It's a burnty doll. I think Bushiditu would probably go back to the last place that he'd seen everyone. So he would try to find his master, would go back to Hoffman House. So the dragon friends, as

you are outside, LaCroix has arranged a carriage for you and as you enter it, you can see scuttling up the driveway on its articulated crab legs, which are new since last time, because before it was just a Roomba. So it's being constantly improved and developed upon,

is the figure of Bushu Ditu. Bank notes, flamethrower, turreted Roomba. Filch scoops him up and dusts off his... Parapus? Thank you, mother! And you now notice that While he's been in a room with Bond He's imprinting on you

He has a tiny little speaker now as well A little Bushu Where is father? Oh, he having a big sleep Oh, not dead Just having a big sleep Are you okay?

You look kind of I've done horrible things. I've burned a lawyer's office. Actually maybe that's a net good for the world. You come with me. Me know what will make you feel real better.

Ball bearings. All I want is ball bearings. An old lady has them all You like And she looks through her bag I've got a ruby You like rubies?

Oh yes please I put it in Does he have a mouth? He has a little slot I put a ruby in his slot Okay And I'll cross that off. This is while we're going in the carriage.

And at that point, the carriage arrives and you are outside Hofferman House. So I hope you're ready, Ben, to play a veritable smorgasbord of characters. Welcome to Hofferman House. No, no, he's arrested and being tortured.

No, we saved him. We saved him. No, sorry. Welcome to Hofferman House. No, no, he's arrested and being tortured. No, we saved him. We saved him. We saved everyone, didn't we? No, sorry. Welcome to Hofferman House. You saved my life and I'll save yours. And he just stops.

He's like, alright, I didn't kill any of you. Now we're square. And he opens the door a fraction. Now Lady MacReritte has already left because she has a long ride ahead of her.

Diametra is, of course, at the City Watch. Smiggins is here, but also Jovian, the Master, he tells you, is upstairs collecting his father's things for his journey back to Baldur's Gate. Baston runs up the stairs three steps at a time. Bobby runs up the stairs one step at a time. Make for me a dexterity check. Let's hope this goes well.

Yeah, I've got athletics or acrobatics? Athletics for now. Athletics. Thirteen, you're fine. So, you get there first. Congratulations. Kick in the door. Good God, man.

What are you doing in here? I live here. This is my... Oh, you're the chaps who saved me. Yes, thank you so much for that awful business with the trunk. I check around his body to see that he hasn't been stabbed. What are you... Stop that. He's a little ticklish. Oh!

No, stop it. Okay, sorry. Does Bobby make it into the room? Bobby arrives. We have reason to believe, a prophecy of sorts has led us to believe that your life could be in danger. Oh my God, is it because my brother tried to kill me and put me in a trunk? Is that what you worked out, you bloody geniuses? Oh, well, thank you very much.

Not many people say that, sir. Nice to hear it sometime. Yes. Let me have a question. You're susceptible to curved knife stabbings at all? Very much so, yes. The family doctor, it's actually the coroner, says that it's something I should really look out for.

She's a great coroner. She's one of the best. Is a curved knife, does that ring any bells? Is there one in the family, an heirloom of sorts or anything? Oh, yes, there's one in the family sort of museum. Where is it? Where's the museum? It's in the crypt.

And he says he takes you down into his father's, not actually the crypt, by the library. There's a sort of museum of family relics and collections from their father's days when he was an explorer. And a swimming trophy. From me. Very good. Silver.

Well, I take it back. That's the butterfly. Oh, well, a difficult stroke. I'd say a pointless stroke. Why bother? Yeah, why do anything? I would remind you that you are my guest and he pulls a key from around his neck and he opens

a glass cabinet which is quite dark inside and you can see old family weapons laid and he says and you can see the curved was my grandfather's the dagger it's a kalamshite design and yoink there is a The curved dagger was my grandfather's, the dagger. It's a Kalamshite design. And... Yoink!

There is a empty... Surely he has to roll for the yoink. There's no yoink, because it... I declare a yoink! Well, unless you're just stealing something else, because I was going to say, there is an indent, and there is a point on the stand where it rested, but there's one weapon is conspicuously absent in the

cabinet. Like the one from the painting? Oh my god, yes! Ah, hmm, we're too late. Well, it was right here. I don't know, maybe somebody's cleaning it, or... Smiggins!

Smiggins! And he's like, right there, I didn't even notice. Yeah, he closes one side of the cabinet, and Smiggins Smiggins and he's like right there he closes one side of the cabinet and Smiggins is there Smiggins have you seen this knife oh too fancy for old Smiggins here's what I say if it's sharp and pointy I'll kill you with it

so I don't get about with curved knives and your fancy materials So I don't get about with curved knives and your fancy materials. No, I haven't seen it since, oh, it would have been yesterday, I thought, last. But that doesn't make any sense. This key is the only key

that would open this cabinet, and it's been here with me this whole time. Well, you tell me. That's a real pickle. We call it a jukin'. And he looks at you Bastani says Why were you so interested in this knife? I have reason to

Suspice that I'm sorry Did you Did you just say suspice? Yeah suspice in a word I am suspicious I have a suspice He suspices she suspices. She suspices.

We all suspice. Suspice. Read a book. Actually, we're in a library. Let's go look it up. Yes. Now, you're not a suspice. Your brother is. As I was saying, I have a suspice that your brother will try and kill you again.

Ben lives on the siren sky. Yes! Well, we've got to make sure that he doesn't hug his brother under an archway and thereby get stabbed. This is preposterous. Even if the dagger is gone, I can't stay here anyway.

I've been away from my business too long. I already have booked an appointment at the Temple of Mystra for teleportation. I'm meant to be there in an hour and a half. I have tickets to a musical. My business cannot wait. I've got so many business things that I have to do there in an hour and a half. I have tickets to a musical. My business cannot wait. I've got so many business things that I have to do in my absence. Unfortunately, your safety is also about the safety of the world. And there'll be no business if there be no world.

So you're coming with us. And I get a rope and I tie it around his ankle and I strap it to my ankle. What is exactly happening here? You're being placed under future victim protection. And Bobby climbs up his back and sits on his shoulders. He's like, I'm afraid we're going to be spending a little bit of time together until you step into that teleportation device. You are

under filled and Bobby arrest. And as the hour grows late and the sun dips across that shining river, it seems that the dragon friends are on the case, having made a is it a citizen's arrest if you're the duke?

Maybe they've just kidnapped someone. Anyway, Jovian Hofferman is not going anywhere, but he has a teleportation to catch a business to run, and it is not the only thing to be caught that night, for a killer is on the run, backed by a powerful cult, backed by a mysterious herald, backed by an old ancient dragon,

backed by a mysterious curse, backed by a lost city, backed by a lost city, backed by a world in peril. For now, the home of those motley souls they call the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, and NPC voices are provided by Ben

Jenkins. This week's music was provided by Ben Looms of Syrinscape. Shakira Khan designs our website and podcasts are edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and episodes are recorded live every month at the Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time!