Dragon Friends - #5.10. Big and Juicy Cabbages

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

For once the Dragon Friends feel like they're a step ahead of their shadowy enemies, as they have the knowledge and the means to thwart the opening of one of the seven gates. Naturally, their first instinct is to immediately attend a 9 hour amateur musical theatre production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is there anybody here who has never been to one of these shows before? Yes, Kings! Oh, goodness! Awesome! So yeah, a couple of new people, that's really cool. Then, I'm not going to explain it. Yeah, you had a chance. Frankly, you had your chance four years ago. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue

But thinking it through, that isn't the dragon's way Three days have passed since the dragon friends returned from the nine known worlds to their home and familiar shores of Dagofa to find a land and title awaiting them. As time has passed, you have learned of a terrible affliction travelling the land, a magical malady known as the glimmering, and for all the successes of your newfound office, the shadowy figure of the Herald has escaped you.

And one by one, those gates have opened. The lover's gate opened at Rivershine Hall. The burning gate opened in the ghost-light woods. And now, for once, it seems that you might have a few moments of time ahead of the Herald's unstoppable progress. But you now have a name, the Brothers Gate. You have a victim, potentially Jovian or Roman Hoffman, one brother killing another before a marble archway that seems oddly familiar to you, Bobby. Bobby. And as you stand in Hoffman Hall in front of a weapons cabinet

curiously de-knifed, which is an expression, it seems that a choice has to be made. Allow Jovian his freedom or arrest him by, and I want to make sure I got this right, tying his

ankle to Filge's ankle and Bobby riding on his shoulders. Yeah, I'm going to steer him Ratatouille style. You love steering people Ratatouille style. Shut up and let me on your shoulders. That's right. Yeah, it's for his own protection, and surely he understands that.

Jovian does not seem to understand. Okay. Left, left, left. Pull on his hair if you want him to turn left.. Left! Left! Left! Pull on his hair if you want him to turn left. Don't pull on my hair! Okay. Bob,

you said you remembered seeing that arch from the... Yeah, it's been a while. I mean, we've been back in Daggerford like, for three days.

I was here maybe, like, I don't know how many space years ago. Like, my memory's a little foggy me have an idea where Crawford oh if only we had some method to call him by

some horn or bagpipe is that a legitimate question how did we call him last time I know we made a fire I'm right here question? How did we call him last time? I know, we made a fire. I'm right here. I can do that if you like. Hofferman House has stood for a hundred years, I beg you.

Look, this is all very fascinating, but even if you are going to protect me from my brother, as you say, I do still need to pack my things. So if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving this museum. One of you is welcome to accompany me. I merely wish to go upstairs to my father's old office.

Oh, did I show you the swimming trophy? Yes, silver. Yeah, as well. What happened? What happened? Why you fail? I... I don't fail. I simply...

There, there. I pat him on the head I simply placed Behind the The winner Who I think may have Actually also been a Hoffman Who knows Your brother

It was your brother It was a while ago Was it Roman It was your brother I sawed it Yeah it was probably Roman I sawed everything What else is in this trophy cabinet?

There's a musket. There is a old... Stick the musket to me. You want the musket, Bushu? That is the small voice of Bushu Ditu, a kind of ambulatory Roomba with a flamethrower on it. He's my robot, Crab. Make me powerful.

Please. Well. But what will you do with your power? Can we trust you, tiny crab Roomba robot? make me powerful. Please? Well... But what will you do with your power? Can we trust you, tiny crab Roomba robot? Yes. I was thinking that the prophecy said he had to die

by his brother's hand. If I kill him now, that can't happen. Okay, Bershom. You know what, though? He's not wrong. All Okay, Bersher. You know what, though? He's not wrong. All right, Jovian starts to fight. Now make an opposed dexterity check.

So I'll come upstairs with you, Jovian. No, Jovian's like, you just said you were going to kill me. I'm not going to go upstairs with you. And he starts to try and flight. Well, you're strapped to my ankle. Yeah, so make an opposed... Also, I'm on your shoulders.

So with advantage, make for me an opposed my ankle. Also, I'm on your shoulders. So, with advantage, make for me an opposed strength check. Jovian gets a 12. No, Filge is doing it. Oh, I got more than 20. 22. Alright. So, he panics at that moment, but Filge, you very calmly and easily

loop a big, meaty arm around him, and he's going nowhere. Jovi, me not gonna kill you, me promise. And me not gonna strap a gun to the robot crab. That crazy. And then she turns and she winks. Wink. Wait, did that robot just say wink?

All right, let's go Hey Jovian, just Bobby puts his fingers in Jovian's ears And he says, look Dry willy What? In a dry willy Gross

Somehow that feels worse It does, doesn't it? Oh, yuck Look I know you're going to say This is because I've turned dark And blah blah blah doesn't it? Oh, yuck. Look, I know you're going to say this is because I've turned dark and blah, blah, blah and I've changed or whatever,

but the room is not wrong. Okay, look. It would be so easy. I mean, what price? It's the whole like trolley scenario where like do we save one person or do we save a bunch of people? Look, the trolley scenario where do we save one person or do we save a bunch of people? Look, the trolley scenario is different.

No one knows the answer except maybe this tiny robot. I would kill them all. Well, that's one option. Okay. I would go down one track and kill the fat man. And then I would reverse back. on one track and kill the fat man and then I would reverse back and I would

individually shoot the orphans with the gun that you will now strap to my back and it's a musket so it will take a while to reload so they will all watch as I slowly kill the orphans. Okie dokie I can hear all of this.

Unfortunately he can't Smiggins can hear it of this. Unfortunately, he can't. Smiggins can hear it all. He's going, Where are you, boy? One of them. I feel like Bush is really broken bad. He was really quite upset about all the fires he had started earlier. I think being abandoned.

I think being abandoned by everyone at Elspeth Truscott's offices has really shown him that his master's selfish and that no one cares for him. It sounds like a real second last episode of Game of Thrones. He's going through a disgruntled teen kind of phase.

And then he went crazy. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby, you hop down. You know, he's easily restrained. And you hop down off his shoulders and you experimentally reach for the gun. It comes easily off its holding.

And you check. You break it and check. And, boys, by break, I mean you break the breach. And there is a bullet still in it and you cock it I'm not saying you have to do anything just the gun works I am saying that on the rules

of theatre we swore an oath at the start of this podcast to obey the rules of the theatre all that we know is that a gun in a podcast found at the start of this podcast to obey the rules of the theater. All that we know is that a gun in a podcast found at the beginning of the episode has to be used by the end of the episode. That's the only law. It has to be used.

Let's just say that this is our safety, and if we see Roman approach... He's blowing braids out! Sorry you had to hear that. Oh yeah, your ears are unblocked now. Excuse me?

If it come between saving your life and saving the whole world, we blow your brain out, okay? Just for a second, though, Dave just took control of my character and made him do something. I feel a little... Violated? Violated, yeah. Shake it off.

Okay, look, it's simple. Either we just... Let's just take him to the teleport place and get him out of town and then we won't have to murder him. Oh, because he'll be waiting for him. He's got to stay under our watch. We're the only ones who can save him. Didn't you just say you were going to blow my brains out?

Hey, we all hear what we want to hear. Look, he goes on to say you may have me at a disadvantage. You may have Smiggins and me trapped in this room but my footmen are expecting me in my carriage in ten minutes and if I don't go down there so that they can take me back to Baldur's Gate, they will realise something is up and they will come for you.

Okay, let's go. And they know karate. Yeah, well, I know this gun has one bullet in it, so that's just a cool thing that I thought would sound cooler, but it doesn't really. That's fine. Pack your bags, get down to the carriage. Let's hustle.

Go, go, go. It's not like nudging him with the end of the gun. So he goes upstairs. You hustle him upstairs. Left, right, left, right. Come on, left, right. His trunk is mostly full. He grabs a few more bags and a huge map off the side of the wall of the city of Dagothid and he crams.

Let's have a look at this map. Yeah, what's the deal with the map? Is there an arch on it? This was my with the map? Is there an arch on it? This was my father's map. Is there an arch on this map? Bushidu is going to set fire to the map. Nope. No.

18, baby. Oh, well. No, because he wants the map. He wants the map. He will use the map to escape. We are upstairs, so it makes sense that something would be on fire. I want you to... You're going to get...

You are going to get one chance to look at the map before it is burned by Hing's ancillary character. Oh! Photographic memory. Okay. You very quickly take in the map, and you commit it to memory, Bobby, as you sort of...

A bright spark that you are. You commit the salient details. You notice also a few things about it. It is an old map. The borders of Dagenford don't conform to the current borders and it looks like it's about 500 years

old. You can see landmarks and things that suggest that it's about half a century ago. You also notice that the town is spread out over what is currently Daggerford Castle all the way to what is currently Old Hill Sanatorium. There are old borders of a ruined town and you can see that where the sanatorium stands there's a huge structure called the Domed Tower. And above the town, you see a date mark, which correctly says 500 years ago. Does it say 500 years ago?

Because I think that could be a forgery then. 393 DR. And it also says the city of Carcosa and it's got city spelled in that old weird way. It's like C-I-T-Y-I-E. Okay. And the S is a big F.

Yeah. They fucking love that. Yeah, they did like that, didn't they? They loved it. They were mad for this stupid... This will confuse people in the future. And we'll label it 500 years ago. If somebody who listens to this podcast,

which by definition is you, could do me a favour and work out what year this is set in, that would be terrific. Because it keeps coming up. I'm sure we've mentioned it. The year in the Forgotten Realms calendar? If this was made in 329 DR, but that was 500 years ago. But Dave just pulled that out of his arse.

But then also, if they wrote both 500 years ago and 329 DR on the map, then maybe it was from like 500 years before that. Sure, could be. What does DR mean? Don't recall. Dave rules. Don't recall. Dave rules.

Which is, of course, the coding that scholars use to recall the time after all of known history was destroyed in the great fire of the sundering. Ooh. Yeah. Good save. Bobby. The best thing about Dave is when he talks, you know what words are capitalised. Like, the sundering is definitely in title case.

Dave, I think the best thing about you is your winning smile. But that's just me. Bobby, before the memory fades, you very quickly reach into your pockets until you find a bundle of papers and a quill and you draw a quick version of the map that you can go back to on the back of whatever papers you're surprised to find there. And after you finish drawing it,

you have a look at what you've drawn on, you turn it over, and you find Hoffman's journal, which is still in your waistcoat pocket. Which is still in your waistcoat pocket. Can I burn the map now? Burn the map! And the map burns! Can I burn the map now? Burn the map!

And the map burns! Well, that's fine. That was a priceless artefact from my dead father, but you do you. I wouldn't put too much stool by that. That was one of Father's crazier theories anyway. Speaking of Father's crazy theories, I'm just going to have a quick thumb through the journal as we're sort of waiting for him to pack.

Yeah, sure. Okay, so there's nothing else pressing for any of you? Well, no, he's packing his bag. No, I suppose. I put out the fire. Oh, you've learned. I thought we wanted Crawford to arrive. Yeah, we wanted Crawford to come, so I'm going to fight you.

As the two of you control the fire, a couple of things happen. Bobby, you finish your diagram and now make for me an investigation check. It's a three. Hot three. So I can't actually, you can't understand the cipher, unfortunately, but you do notice one page particularly that interests you. It is the inside first page. And on the back of it is what looks like a seven line small...

It's like a bullet point list or a poem or something. It's all written in cipher. But the fact that there are seven lines and it's got a big seven at the top of it draws your eye just so you see it. But you can't at the moment translate it. Okay, alright. And Jovian? Seven lines.

Well, Jovian is currently... Not really in the mood. You're still holding him. Yeah, yeah. And you're also fighting Baston. And at that moment, you guys hear a pecking at the window. Crawford! Okay, you can put it out now, Baston.

Okay, I put it out. Well, Crawford's here, isn't he? I open the window. Crawford? My mouth you can put it out now, Bastogne. Okay, I put it out. Crawford's here, isn't he? Open the window. Crawford? My mouth's full of water. And he spits his gullet over it, and it perfectly extinguishes the blaze.

My beautiful fire! Oh, I've gotten quite good at that. You sure have, Crawf Crawf. Now, we summoned you here on purpose, not by accident. Why didn't you use your beeper? Oh, beeper! Alright. Whoops.

Well, we'll know for next time. We are looking for a big marble archway. That ring a bell to you? And if not, could you maybe circle round Daggerford and scout one out for us? Well, there's only buildings that are marble in Daggerford

would be the temples. And any archways in those temples? Oh, there's a lovely frescoed archway that doorways to the Temple of Mystra. That rings a bell. Crawford, go and catch yourself

a big fish. You have done us a great service. And she pats him on the beak. He looks at you, winks, and then flies off.

Wink. Okay. Did you just say wink? What are you up to? No he was just winking back at Crawford Oh okay I'm going to tuck Bushu under my arm and say listen Yes mother

Me know that Lion Shield abandoned you In the fire But you ain't got to keep Starting fires to get his love back Maybe if I burn the world, he will pay attention to me. There is two clicks and a rather put out, and if I'm honest, slightly singed,

Jovian Hofferman has closed his trunk. Well, that's everything. Well, not quite everything. It was some sort of priceless map that I was going to... Oh, what were you saying before about your dad's crazy theory? Oh, well, as you know, my father was a Daggerfordian Carcassian, a rather eccentric strain of the academia of this town. What do you mean?

Well, not everybody buys it. I certainly don't. The idea of this being the original blah-de-blah-de-blah site of Carcosa before it was thrown into the plain. So most people common except in history is that Daggerford was a caravan trading outpost that grew up out of the banks of the river Delimbia

but Hofferman was part of a strain of academics that believed that there was an old precursor city called Carcosa of which this map was his attempt to, and other scholars' attempts to map it out. I thought everybody would have said 500 years ago, because it was his map. Yes. Ah, history's solved. All right, draggers.

Well, we've got a few options. I mean, we could go to the temple, but that's where the bad things are going to happen. That's exactly where we shouldn't go. So where is not the temple? Wait, did you say you had to go to the temple to teleport? I need to go to a temple to teleport, yes. Yes, he came through the teleportation circle. Where's your teleportation book?

Mister, I believe. Okay, well, we're not doing that. That's a hard no from us. Do you want me to burn the temple? No, it marbled. It wasn't burned. Look, we've got some errands to run before the show tonight. We should chickity-check the old the sanatorium where Mr. Evil's taken off.

That would take you a few hours to get to. It's outside town. So we'll miss the show. That's also a hard road. Okay, Crawford. Crawford, if I could ask you to... Crawford's gone.

Has he gone? Yeah, he went. Okay. You're going to start another fire, Simon? We need to book you a teleportation at another temple, and until such time that we secure that, you're just going to have to hang with us.

So I am under house arrest, am I? Am I to understand that? Am I to tell my footman, one of whom knows karate? Be a footman now, says Phil, as she points to her ankle. Very cool. Be a footman. Might we go back

to master? I have to talk to him. How long till he wake up? He'll wake up at 9pm. So what time is it now? How long is it back to the castle? It's about 5pm. How long will it take us to get back to the castle? 30 minutes. Not long at all. Should we? Then we can put this douche in prison.

You don't think we should hang on to him? Oh. If we go back, then the painting will be finished and we'll be able to have more detail and I can wake up Banknote because he's a sleepy boy. Yeah, and you'll see the provenance of this prophecy. Oh, goody.

Yeah, he's kind of really upset with you at this point. I think all friendship that sort of was fostered lovely by Carlo Ricci in the last two episodes is now gone. I assume that you're going to pay

for my new teleportation. Look at this big house. You're a whingy boy. All right? You're a second place, which I'm not afraid to say is first loser the first one

alright so buck up suck it in if it wasn't for us you'd still be in a box and you wouldn't be heading back to your business

in Boulders Gate so not only have we saved your life once we're going to save your life twice possibly what's the intimidation come with us

what's your intimidation check? My intimidation 18 plus my plus two, 20. I will be good. Off we go then to the castley. So you all make your way

into the carriage and you turn a hard right skipping the Temple of Mystra and you take him to Daggerford where Pomplamoose LaCroix is waiting. Oh, hello. So him to Daggerford, where Pomplimus La Croix is waiting. Oh, hello. So nice to see you.

Everything good? Oh, and you're but a friend. Hi, it is Jovian Hofferman, as I live and breathe. Or is that the rascally Roman? Haha, I kid. I know he's on the run. So good to... Should I make up some rooms for him? Any dietary requirements I should be aware of?

We should go down to the... Let's go down to the dungeon and look at the painting. Are you leaving? No, we'll take Hoffman with us. Banknote, I was going to say. Yeah, well... Banknote's going to sleep. You can't wake him up.

He's got four hit points. I will wake him up. He's got four hit points. What happens if he wakes up just a bit before he's meant to? He doesn't get his rest. Anything. He can take it as a short rest. No, I've committed this far. Let him sleep.

He'll meet you at the intermission. That's a strong stance to be like, you know what? I'm going to do a Dungeons & Dragons show and my choice is to sleep. The whole show. This is what I'm doing. I'm showing up and I'm not participating. You head downstairs into the prison and as soon as you are there

in front of a finished... The other option is I wake up and immediately get fucking axed by this guy and die. That's the other option. And then you've got to bring me back to life. Are you going to bring me back to life? No, I know you fuckers won't bring me back to life. I fucking know it.

So yeah, I'm playing for me. Because if I fucking die, I know I'm not allowed back next month, alright? And I need this. Yes! That's inspiration. Meanwhile, in Banknote's dreams... What's happening in Banknote's Dreams... Yeah.

What's happening in Banknote's Dreams? Banknote's Dreams. We will come to Banknote's Dreams. But first of all, so you make your way down to the dungeons, and in the dungeons you can see Thomas Smedley standing in front of seven easels, three of them painted, and his third one is finished. And he's like, please, masters, I believe it is my masterwork, it is... And then his face falls, and he says, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this cannot be.

What is he doing here? Whinging mostly. Oh, what can I, is it, does it, what more detail can I see in the painting? As you walk, you walk forward and grab the painting, bring it into the light? Yeah, sure, why not? All right, so you grab the painting

and you can see now it is the figure of two brothers identically. They seem to be embracing, but on closer inspection, one of them is stabbing the other one in the ribs with a curved kalamshite dagger. And you can see a fresco above them that is recognizably the architecture of a mistren temple. Nailed it. We can just come back. Okay, great. Well, let's just not go to that temple.

Simple. Simple. Simple. Done. If you have brought him here, then they will come, all of them, they will come and they will burn this place down. They will not be denied. Who's they? The heralds and the men and women that serve the Dark Lady.

Now, wait a second. If he stays here, do you have to do a new painting? Yeah, is that why you don't want us to do this? Yeah, because you're going to have to paint this castle and draw the boys hugging here. All that has come will come again. All that shall be done has once been done before. You do not understand.

There are seven gates and the gates will open because the Dark Lady will sit so. Okay, well, we'll just take him to the place so the painting comes true. Wink, wink. Wink! Going upstairs to take him to the painting.

Off we go then. All right, dirties. Well, LaCroix locks him into a dungeon and the doors slam shut. Is that what you wanted to do? No, I want to take Jovian upstairs, open the hyperbaric chamber, put Jovian in the hyperbaric chamber so he can't get out. Okay.

But presumably... I think the hyperbaric chamber locks from the inside. It does, it does. It does, so you're going to have to go and bang on it again. Oh, well, I'm not afraid to do that. I'm not afraid to sleep right through it. Here we go. I'll only let you roll once.

Here we... Bang, bang, bang. Also, back note should have... I mean, Bastogne should have disadvantage because he's exhausted. Yeah. And back note should get to roll one dice because he's sleeping. It's level one exhaustion, which means he only gets disadvantage for attack rolls at the moment. Well, he's attacking his sleep.

Yeah, this is an attack. This is an attack on my peaceful slumber. He's already rolled. He's only rolled a six. Plus two is performance. All right. What are you doing? What's performance you doing?

I pick up my pan, which I left by the chamber, obviously. Are you banging your bedpan? No, like a cast iron pan. Okay. So I've got to... What does he have to add for sleeping? Your willpower saving throw Is that constitution?

Yes, it will be based No, willpower will be wisdom Sorry, your wisdom saving throw I'm thinking 3.5 edition Oh, right I thought it was constitution Well, that is a 12 plus Whatever you win

Damn you, banknote Banknote sleeps like a baby. What's he dreaming of, then? Banknote's dreams. And we cut to banknote's dream. My lady, what... Anything you say is so. What?

In your dreams, you are the... It's me, your father, banknote, and you're a very disappointing boy. I'm so embarrassed, father! Oh, it only takes one to choke and die. One is too many!

Yes, yes, yes. Please, son, help me. What's that banging? What's that banging? Have you brought your men for me, father? Have you brought your men for me, father? No, the lady will help me. What's the begging? What's the begging? Have you brought your men for me, father? Have you brought your men for me, father? No, the lady will protect me. The lady will protect me.

And then the lady, Lady Hofferman, arrives in my dreams. Hello. Yes, yes, Lady Hofferman. Kill father. Oh, is this man being a nasty man to my little boy yes what are you doing

I'm already choking on this ball bearing and then she takes a big bag of ball bearings goes just to be sure and puts a thousand ball bearings and the ball bearings

turn into cabbages as they tumble down his throat Bastogne outside the hyperbaric chamber you can just see him. Banknote is having a lovely dream.

Weirdly though, super hard. Through the very clear hyperbaric chamber, the banging and just suddenly a weird tent and you're like oh boy. It's a banging from the inside. There is a small bell. Pumpley Moose has summoned the carriage for you. It is now six o'clock. I understand a banging from the inside. There is a small bell. Pumplemus has summoned the carriage for you.

It is now six o'clock. I understand. I took the liberty of buying a pizza ticket for your friend as well. Pumplemus, you've done a great job. Thank you very much. I will go catch myself a great big fish. Sorry, so you're taking Jovian to the... Wait, what do we do with Jovian?

We can leave him in the dungeon. I still think... But then we won't be here to... No, we need to... I think we've got to take him with us. We've got to take him with us. Yeah. Okay, you're going to have to...

I jump up and do shoulders. No, no, so if you're going to go out in public, you're going to need to manacle him. Let's disguise him as Lion Shield Banknote. Oh, my God. Banknote would have taken as Lion Shield Banknote. Oh my god. No, Banknote sleeps naked so you have access to Banknote's clothes. Can

Bobby, can you do something? If you want, you can place a cloak, you can manacle him and place one of Banknote's cloaks around him so that people can't see. Yeah. You have intimidated him so he's going with you. Yeah. Okay, let's do that. Okay, so wait, one on each hand. But a manacle, one on each hand so he's going with you. Okay, let's do that. Okay, so wait. One on each hand. Makeover!

One on each hand. But a manacle, one on each hand, so he's sitting between. And we're all linking arms like a pair of jolly fellows. Nay, a trio. You make your way down to the Daggerford Amateur Musical Society's production of I Finally Found My Cabbage. No. No. That's part two.

Someone took my cabbage. Someone stole my cabbage. Someone stole my cabbage. No. No. No, that's part two. Someone took my cabbage. Someone stole my cabbage. Someone stole my cabbage. As you read the program notes, someone stole my cabbage, a musical mistake in three acts over nine hours, book and lyrics by Elisabeth Truscott,

starring Elisabeth Truscott. And you can hear red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. And as you have some of the novelty themed drinks that they are serving and you put each a gold coin into the box because it's for charity.

Mark that down, you all lose a gold coin. What charity is it raising money for? Orphans. It's the widow boggins fund. Really, it's the least you could do. And the curtain rises And an hour later You

Are watching now the second act Of Wait you said three acts Obviously this is the first third of the first act Yeah no the first Intermission is at 9pm Yes So you're at the 8.50pm showstopper.

Look, the show is terrible. Let me just make a performance check for Elisabeth Truscott. She got a 17. The show's not bad. It's... Okay, so I want you to imagine... You were expecting it to be quite bad, but the songs are good. Okay, so I want you to imagine. You were expecting it to be quite bad, but the songs are good. Okay, so I want you to imagine this is the opening number.

Technically, I've had a lot of time to think about this, which I have not done. But I want you to imagine a dark field. They've got a smoke machine, or really it's just a set of fire and Crawford standing by because he supports the arts. Crawford's the stage manager. How does he do it?

I've just really switched into my community. There's like paper mache cabbages in this beautiful theatre. Why would they just use real cabbages? It's theatre! And then you hear from the side, it's like, almost, it's like...

Cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, big and juicy cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, big and juicy cabbages. Keep that up. Cabbages, cabbages, big and juicy cabbages, cabbages, Cabbage's. Big and juicy cabbage's. Cabbage's. Cabbage's. Cabbage's. Big and juicy cabbage's. A masked fiend comes to the stage.

Big and juicy cabbage's. Châtaing centre stage. Cabbage's. Cabbage's. Big and juicy cabbage's. He looks over the cabbage's. Cabbage's. Cabbage's.

Big and juicy cabbage's. Pulls out a sequined sack. Cabbage's. Cabbage's. Big and juicy cabbage's. I will take them! Plucks them up. And only then do we realise that the cabbages aren't paper mache at all.

They're the children from the town wearing little hats. And as he tries to grab one, it runs. And he tries to grab another one, and it runs. And soon they're swirling all around him. But finally, he corners one of them, lifts it up, and the cabbage goes, but I'm the favourite of them all! Goes into the sack. Lights out! Bravo! Bravo! And the lights come up and it is the first intermission

and as the doors are opened But like that, what I described took two hours. In walks Lion Shield banknote with full hit points and full complement of spells. Aha!

Yes. But unfortunately, because his clothes have been taken, what are you wearing? Well, let me roll for clothes, Dave. That's a three. I guess I'm wearing whatever clothes were left behind in the hyperbaric chamber. I guess they were Jovian's clothes.

Jovian's clothes? Or I was going to say just front scrubs, but nothing on the backside. Maybe you fashioned a simple toga from your bed sheets. You're wearing a surgical onesie, the ones that tie at the back. Yeah, but just front scrubs. Yeah, front scrubs. I don't want front scrubs. I want front scrubs. Yeah, and then... I don't want front scrubs. I want scrubs that cover my whole ass.

No, to cover his ass, I guess... Well, let's see what Pomplamoose... Oh, my Pomplamoose! Let's not get caught on this. Do you have anything I can put to cover my buttocks as I go to the theatre? I must dress appropriately. Ah, to cover your buttocks at the theater, may I

suggest a pair of pants? My pants? No, it's my pants. I've gone missing. Well, there are some clothes here, as you see. Pants of a rich man, shirt of a rich man, and it looks very nice for the theater. All crumpled in a

pile. A what? In a it looks very nice for the theatre. All crumpled in a pile. A what? In a pile. I'll wear the pie. And so you just have a pie. I said a pile! I know, but unfortunately behind you there was a pie resting on a silt. This is just Michael Hing speaking now.

I've never lowered my arse into a pie. But now that I've thought about it a little bit... You must. I think it could be quite nice. Anyone ever sat in a pie before? Anyone ever sat in a pie? Show of hands. Do hit us up on Dragon Huddle if you're a pie pervert. Rihanna has a song called Only Girl in the World.

Oh, my God. Okay, all of you are outside because they're doing a set change in the theatre and so you all go back into the foyer where you have some more of the novelty cabbage-themed drinks and Banknote is there. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What did I miss in the first act?

Oh, it was... Cabbages. Cabbages. Big and juicy. You are glowing, by the way. Thank you. I had a wonderful dream where my new love murdered my father. Let me tell you, it was refreshing.

We have Bushidita here. Give him to me I must stroke him and tell him I must apologise to him for leaving him behind It was an accident

Okay, but he had pretty hurt feeling He's a robot He doesn't have feelings What kind of robot What kind of monster would make a robot to feel things That'd be insane Give it to me

I hold Bushu Ditu out and i put him on the floor between us and i say bushu d2 did you hear that why don't you love me father no i what do you mean why don't i love you i look it would be it would be weird for my father didn't love me That's why I had the lady kill him And so the cycle of pain continues A bell starts to ring And Jovina's like Look, I didn't think I would say it But I don't want to miss any more of this show So shall we just perhaps get back to our seats?

Let us, yes I ask because I am still handcuffed to your ankle Correct Alright, in we go Bushu D2, you can deal with that later Let us, yes. I ask because I am still handcuffed to your ankle. Correct. All right, in we go. Bushu D2, you can deal with that later. Right, so you make your way back in and the set has changed. What was once beautiful fields is now a street in Daggerford. What once was a backdrop of a barn is now a painted plywood facade of the Temple of Mystra. And at that moment, there is a chink,

and the power goes out in the building. Everybody quickly make for me perception checks. God damn it. Five. Fucking dog. You absolute dog. What a dog move. Oh. 13.

I got a hot 5. 2 plus 3 is 5. 19. Okay, so the lights come back on and there was a tugging at your ankle and suddenly the chair next to you, Filge, is empty. What, what, what? Jovian is missing. What's in the manacles?

There is an open manacle and there are thieves tools still poking out of the lock. Well, you know what they say. The show must go on. I'm going to jump onto the stage. Baston will jump. We're going to go into initiative. So Baston, you are actually first. Baston's going to jump on the stage.

Before you do any of that. Are the lights back on? Lights are back on. And not knowing any of this, obviously. I'm going to put play in initiative order, actually. Okay, good, good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got a little bit of time.

So Baston, you're first. I'm going to get onto the stage and I'm going to start trashing the set. Because if there's no arts, the painting can't happen. Okay, an audience is technically difficult terrain, so you stumble up towards the stage. A rough crowd. But you can only get 15 feet, so you're clambering up onto the stage.

Aren't we in the front row because we're the dukes? No, you're not. You're sitting at the back because the bell was ringing and you took a while getting to your seats. Dang. Just give them away, fine. Bobby, you're next. General admission at this community theatre show?

It's general admission. It's like unreserved seating at every community theatre show. What are you expecting? An Imperial box? Yes. What a big night. An Abraham Lincoln box. Bobby, you're next. Okay, I'm going to do an investigation check. What a big guy. An Abraham Lincoln box. Bobby, you're next.

Okay, I'm going to do an investigation check. That's an 18. Can I see any clues as to where he might have gone? Any signs of resistance? With an 18, you see a flash of movement of what looks like some kind of green tabard off to the wings. Okay, I'm going to make a dart to the wings. All right, you're small and nimble, which means that you can make your way through. So you dive up onto the stage,

and on the stage, you race up, and you're standing on the stage. And at that moment, play is next in the initiative order, so a spotlight hits Bobby. And what happens next, Ben? Okay, what happens next is you hear... Okay, you hear her

before you see her right and it's it's this voice that cuts through and it's mistress mistress

hear my prayer and then she walks on right Elizabeth Truscott and slightly put out to say that Bobby's there

but she's a professional so she goes with it where's my cabbage? Here or there? And then looks to Bobby to say the line. Bobby speaking is technically a free action. A murder's about to happen. Get out of my way.

A gate to hell will open Tonight if not today Why are you singing? When the spotlight hits you just so Bobby, as you're saying that That holds Everybody thinks it's still a show, so the lights are still on, and there's still calm in the room.

There's not a panic. Who was he? I think I saw him in Jesus Christ. And the benefit, I will say, the benefit of you singing that well is that there's still calm, and in that calm, your eyes are adjusting to the light,

and you can see, standing by the fly tower of the theater is the figure of roman or jovian but i've got to say he's wearing different clothes he doesn't have a manacle on around his hands aren't manacled and it's probably roman hoffman the mad brother okay am i still holding a musket yeah yeah you yeah I didn't say you weren't, so... Yes, you're still holding a musket. Does that mean you sat in the audience with a musket? Yeah, just across my lap, stroking it.

They didn't make you bag check that one at the door, no? Not a community theatre, it's a three-for-all. That's true. I've got a whole chicken into a community theatre play. What? You ate a chicken? Like a rotisserie chicken. Yeah, like a rotisserie chicken.

All right. Filj, you're up. Filj is like cottoning on that that's how they're getting on the stage. She says, oh, so. And she starts to rap. My cabbage, my cabbage, my cabbage

also gone. My cabbage, oh cabbage, it gone on the run, yo. I better find it, gotta find the beef. I better find it, got find the beef. I better find it, got some cabbage beef. Yeah. That's actually not a million miles from the witch's trap in Into the Woods. So you're just going to stand up?

You're not doing anything? Yeah, yeah, it's like a, no, she's approaching the stage as she does it. Oh, okay, make a performance check for me. Now, we're in combat, so now I need you to do it with disadvantage. Because you are exhausted. That's a six. OK, unfortunately, you don't have quite enough confidence for people to think that it's part of the show and part,

so you're still moving at difficult half speeds. Was it because she opened with, Also! Which is not a great theatrical addition. So you're still moving at difficult half speeds. Was that because she opened with, also? Which is not a great theatrical tradition. Bank note, you're up. You aren't exhausted. You get a full normal action. Yeah, so I can see the baddie at the back.

Only Bobby can, but Bobby's looking at someone. All right, so I'm going to turn around to what Bobby's looking and clock Roman, or perhaps Jovian but Roman in Roman's clothes not in back notes. Yep, he's in the wings. Cool. And I'm going to

run I'm going to run at him How many feet away is he? So it's 30 feet so it's 15 feet to the stage then another 5 feet

up onto the stage. No, to get to to get to Yeah, so 20 feet. Oh, 20 feet feet up onto the stage. No, to get to Roman. Yeah, so 20 feet. Oh, 20 feet. Okay, cool. I'm going to run to Roman. Okay, you won't be able to get all the way there because of the same difficult terrain problem. Oh, okay. So you get to 10 feet away.

And then I'm going to throw... I've got 7 of these left. Oh, no. I've got seven of these left. Oh, no. I'm going to throw one of the beads from the necklace of fireballs at Roman. Bobby is on stage, right? Yeah, but how many feet away is Bobby from Roman?

Bobby's a rogue as well. You've got... You're going to throw in a packed theatre. No, look, the saying is you can't yell fire in a packed theatre. It doesn't say you can't cast fire in a packed theatre. 66 fire damage. You throw a fireball into the wings. Great. Roll the damage for me quickly.

So, 66 damage. Oh, right. That's not that much damage. All right. damage for me quickly so 66 damage alright uh 7 9 13 14 15 17 okay um so okay um is it hit is it accurate i'm just yeah yeah so it's a fireball so these they fail their dexterity checks make dexterity check for me uh let's see 15 the acrobatics is plus 7 Dexterity saving throw 14 You hit Bobby Oh no

I didn't mean, I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I was aiming at the bad one Oh no, you're looking at me Like you've looked at someone who's betrayed you before But I'm a different person So you take 17 hit points of damage Jovian and Roman You'd be like you've looked at someone who's betrayed you before but have a different person. Fire! So you take 17 hit points of damage. Jovian and Roman also take 17 hit points of damage each.

They stagger back. And Elsa Petruska dies. As do most of the front row. Am I okay? The prompter dies. You both got to the front row. Make I okay? The prompter dies. You both got to the front row. Make for me... But what about Crawford? Make dexterity saves for me.

Crawford was in the way. Crawford's beak is full of water, so he has resistance. Yes, a disadvantage. No, it's not. No, you see, they're exhausted here. We're exhausted. They're all exhausted. Dexterity plus two, ten.

Oh, you got a three. You take 17 hit points of damage. Oh, my son of a... I was on seventeen. So I'm just gonna make that... And Filch starts to... You pass out, Filch,

and you start to die, and the next one up is Jovian who springs forward. And he's on flames maniacally. And he's like, you have to get me out. You have to get me out. And he grabs you, Bobby, by the lapels. And Bobby, you're up next.

So that's Roman. Roman comes up to you. So wait, Roman's the bad guy. Bobby, you're up. I raise the musket. We don't know which it is, actually. What's he wearing? I'm calling the one Roman is the one that was not wearing the outfit you came in.

The one that's not dressed as a banknote. That's not wearing a banknote's cloak. I raise the musket and I fire it at him. Make an attack with disadvantage. The man who once stabbed himself to death. What could go wrong? 13. Plus. What is that wrong? 13. Plus...

What is that? Anything? Plus five, so that hits. He's not wearing armour. Okay. You cock... You fire a gun in a packed theatre. Point blank.

No, point blank. Point blank rage at his head. Point blank rage into him. Into his chest. Yeah, alright. Okay, you do another 16 points of damage as you fire at Jovian.

At Roman. And he screams in pain. He's still alive and the play happens next. So what happens next? What about... Elizabeth's dead, so the play stops. Very little. What about Bushidito? No, no, Bushidito's part of your action. Oh, OK.

And Filch, you're up. To make me a death save. Is the theatre on fire? Yeah, people are running and screaming. Also, people are running and screaming. You fail your first death check, so Filch is now, is continuing to die. Bank...

Me, me. Didn't she pass? Oh, no. Banknote, you're up. Yeah, sorry, just for my purposes. How many people were in the front row? Ten people. It was a packed house.

Only ten? It's community theatre. Surely. How many people were... What's the packs of the actual theatre? 120. It's very similar to GD when you think about it. I'm not looking at this theatre

seeing all you lovely people as potential experience but it's hard not to at this point. Alright. He's a good boy. I'm a good boy! So, Thingo's almost dead, right? Yep. But is anyone holding the knife? Has anyone got the knife?

You haven't seen it yet. He's not holding it. Alright, so I'm going to run to Jovian then but is anyone holding the knife? Has anyone got the knife? You haven't seen it yet. He's not holding it. All right. So I'm going to run to Jovian then and just try to tackle him. Okay. So you run to the good brother. The good brother.

So he's standing in the back trying also to put out his clothes looking very, very singed. You race on stage. Your clothes. You took my cloak! Make for me an acrobatic, an athletics check. That is 14.

B12. Yes, yes, 13. All right, you dive and you throw him to the ground. And as you throw him to the ground, something skitters and glitters wildly as it flies onto the stage. It is a Kalamshite curved knife. And the next one up is you, Bastogne.

I'm going to run and try and grab the knife. Okay, you run onto the stage. And I grab the knife. Make a dexterity check for me. Oh boy. You're exhausted so with disadvantage. Oh Dave. Yeah I do it. For seven six

Okay Bastogne grabs the knife and he holds it upright as the room continues to burn. Cabbages, cabbages. Where are my cabbages? And then I'm going to run over to try and help. Okay, so you run up to Assist Village. Bobby? So.

You're standing with an unloaded gun over Roman Hofferman. Behind you, tackling Jo Jobian to the ground, is Banknote, and Bastogne is singing a song with a knife on stage. Oh, Bastogne's run to Filge. While Filge dies. Yeah, I'm going to get my sword and just, like, stab. Make an attack with...

You don't need to have disadvantage because you have advantage as well. What was it? 15. 15? All right. You hit him and you stab him in the neck with a thief's precision and his eyes go white with terror as he sees his end is coming

and he tries to... His mouth forms words. He says, no, he had the dag! And then you stab him through the neck and his eyes go white and roll up into his skull because the figure, the Hoffman in front of you, is dead. And it seems at that moment, as the fire rages in Rivershine Hall, the sixth of a number of inexplicable fires raging out of control in the money quarter of Daggerford, that perhaps

something has been stilled. Perhaps you have a moment to respite for how can a prophecy come true where a brother would kill a brother when brother is already dead at the hands of a motley and, let's say, at times misguided and sometimes downright cruel group of adventurers with a Roomba they call

the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, an NPC voice-over provided by Ben Jenkins. This week's music was provided by Ben Looms of Syrinscape. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and episodes are recorded live every month at the Giant Wharf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time.