Dragon Friends - #5.11. Murdered a Man in a Band

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

After giving a stunning performance with a less than 100% survival rate, the Dragon Friends are given a moment of reprise from machinations of their shadowy adversaries. However, their actions have taken the notice of the cult, and the Dragon Friends are now in the cross-hairs of The Order of the Lampwick. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now that we've really killed the goodwill in the room, shall we begin the show? Yes, at its lowest possible ebb. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue But thinking it through, that isn't the driving way Amateur musical theatre Manor for a hungry mind and balm for a weary soul. The very best theatrical performances uplift not just the performers,

but the audience and communities that surround it. Such a rapture cannot unfortunately be claimed by those pitiful witnesses privy to the Daggerfordian opening night performance of Someone Stole All My Cabbages, as attended by the Dragon Friends. In time, this production will take on an almost mythic quality, but for now, those few survivors of the night's performance, and yes, I said survivors,

huddle in the streets outside of Rivershine Hall, watching a fire rage out of control as the once proud venue burns to the ground. There is a lot of that going around lately. Picture, if you will, a heavily singed crepe paper cabbage costume as it rolls lazily down the street. And the dragon friends can't help but feel partly responsible for the chaos that has engulfed their town.

True, the third gate is presumably closed for good. True, the dark city is being held at bay by your work. And now that Roman Hoffman is dead and not by his brother's hand, it seems you have earned yourselves a reprieve. But at what cost? Jovian Hoffman now is walking towards you. Well, can I just say this has been fun? He dusts some ash off a slightly singed cravat. But here's what I'd like to have happen right now.

I'm going to bury my brother, and then I'd never, ever like to have anything to do with any of you ever again. Get fucked. Excuse me, my understanding is Bobby Cagg, pancakes, here I was, brought back to life. Is that correct? Are you asking me this question? No, I'm asking Bobby. Is that my understanding, is that correct?

Yeah. So my worry is that even though his brother is dead, technically, could his brother not come back to life and then murder him? But if they are both dead, then he comes back up. He's still dead. You can't murder a corpse. There'd have to be two resurrections unheard of in my book. I'm picking up what you're putting out

and I like it. Well, guys, it's been real. Bye-bye. And he just, he leaves because they're talking about murdering him, so he leaves. Chase him down! That's a nat 20, bitch.

Yeah, that was a nat 20. That was a nat 20. That was a nat 20. Jovian tries to get onto his carriage and as he does, with lightning reflexes, Banknote slaps him on the arm, but using an arter's skill, he's pulled a manacle that seems to just descend into his sleeve

and it clamps onto your wrist. How good is this again? All we can offer you is the choice of how we do it. Is that... Or... Dealer's choice We'll get a little creative And Hoffman's just like Police!

These people are going to kill me Police! Anybody help! Silence! Everybody! As you say that Inspector Boggins of the City Watch Who is there because you're burning down a hall

Starts wandering over Bastan. When did they release him? They released him last episode. Good on them. Is nobody going to talk about what just happened? That was the most amazing theatrical performance I have seen in my life. Who thought

the theatre could move in such a way? I am weeping. Weeping. Now Dave, I haven't brought a way. I am weeping, weeping. Now, Dave, I haven't brought this up, but I am dead. Yeah, I think... At that moment... ..two junior medicos with a thatched... One of those... Help me out here, the handles. Oh, carry person? Rickshaw.

Rickshaw. Stretcher. Stretcher. A stretcher. Behind Bastogne. Alex said it first, but I said it in a man's voice. No, I said carry person. Oh, did you?

So you're right. Well, Bastogne waxes lyrical about the play. Picture, if you will, behind him where two orderlies are taking Filch's comatose body away towards the Temple of Mystra. Oh, we're going to put this in the corpse hole. Corpse for the corpse hole. No, no, no. You are still... They have stabilised you, but you are unconscious.

So they don't think she's dead? No. But they could just be very proud of the jokes. All right, I'm going to allow it. Thank you. We will take care of the Duke. Thank you very much. Oh, this is the Duke.

Oh, right. Well, if you could not put this on my performance review, then I was going to throw the Duke into the corpse hole. Because really, it was Anthony's idea. Don't involve me. Hello there. Would you like a corpse for the whole? Mr Hoffman here is about...

He's basically a corpse in a larval stage. Aren't we all? Hello. Inspector Boggins is there. Hello, Inspector Boggins. Jovian Hoffman. I think you came to my christening all those years ago. Look, I don't know how much of you have heard,

but they're going to turn me into a big dead butterfly if you don't intervene. I mean, I don't even think I need to get the confessions out of them. Is that what you're going to do? Huh? You are aware that we are the Dukes. Sure, but I mean, you can't just... Can't they? They surely Huh? You are aware that we are the Dukes. Sure, but I mean, you can't just... Can't they?

They surely can't just... Well, they are the Dukes. No. Boggins, Boggins, see that Mr. Hofferman is escorted out of town. Take him directly... That's where he wanted to go. Exactly. They're trying to murder him.

Oh, no, I'm being punished. So he has said that he is going back to Baldur's Gate and he never wants to see any of you again. Look, I just think... No, no, we can't sit at Baldur's Gate. Then the corpse, Risen, will know where to find him. Listen. Send him on a boat to somewhere he's never been before.

Like, uh... Hell! All right, well, uh... Where would you like to take a cruise to, Mr. Hofferman? It's a landlocked town. Okay. Look, I'm just saying... There's a river.

Yeah, there is the river, the Shining River D'Limbe. I'm just saying, if you murder someone in a theater, it's art. On the street, it's not okay. What about street theater? Okay, well, all right, you've turned me around. Pass around a hat, we've got a murder to do. No, look, I really like the idea of it exiling me somewhere. Anywhere, anywhere is good.

Do you know what's good this time of year? Fucking anywhere. Honestly, I've got my bags packed and I'm ready to go. Seriously, I'd just love to never, ever be here again. You know what? Hoffman House, it's yours. Smiggins, he's yours too. Watch out, he stabs. My father's library. He's just pulling out

title deeds, his wallet, some money, a key on a chain, and just passing them over to you. Banknote's going to take them all because he's shackled to Banknote. So that's all for you. Enjoy them with my blessing. Oh, my father's library. That'll be interesting because you seem pretty head up about this cult business.

No business of mine, of course, but, you know, he wrote a lot of wacky books about that. And enjoy. Oh, he also wrote some erotica, so stay away from that. All right, then. Ha, ding, dang, dong. Beep. And then the shackle retracts into banknotes. Okay, boggins.

Bing, bang, bong, beep. But only the... He says, bing, bang, bong, beep. But only the... He says, Bing, bang, bong. This is the button. Sure. No, the... Bing, bang, bong

is the code word to activate the gauntlet. Was that not obvious from the... Sure. Bing, bang, bong, beep. That's how... Okay.

Guys, you now have Hing's password for his email. Nobody docks me! And what can only be Really described as a scene Of street confusion Boggins leads Jovian Hofferman

Away Make for me all of you quickly A perception check And as you hear him And this is why I fucking hate the theatre Meanwhile Phil just slumbers on a stretcher now abandoned in the road. 11.

7. 15. Oh, yes, of course. Well not rolled there, Alex. Yeah. Bobby, you suddenly feel a presence behind your back and you turn around to see the big beaming mustachioed face of dwarven

proprietor of the Dragonback Tavern, Mr. Grim Saltback. Oh my god, guys, did you see that show? Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Five stars. So good. You know, I'd never been to the theater before. They said, Grim,

check it out. I said, what is it? They said, it's like you go there and people pretend to be other people I say that sounds a little fruity but I go and I think what's this and people are singing and dancing and I think okay

you know that moment when there were so many cabbages on stage I know and then they stood up and they were people in the costume it was and then the stood up and they were people in the costume. It was at the end of fire? How did they do that? Wow. Oh, I am. Baston looks at his scalded skin because I assume he's still wet.

I think a little bit of your fringe is still on fire. Guys, I'm a theater guy now. What's to say? What's to say after party at the old, the old, my bar? And he indicates, in fact. It's ragging back Inn that I own. A few, you know for a fact that in the caravan quarter, only a street or two away is the Dragonback Tavern,

where all your adventures began. Dave, can I ask? You know how ambulance officers... Yes. They, sometimes when someone's heart's stopped or they're not in a good way, they give them a bzzz, you know what I mean? Yes, they administer a strong electric shock. They go bing, bang, bong, and then, them a bzzz, you know what I mean? Yes, they administer a strong

electric shock. They go bing bang bong and then bzzz, yes. What do we reckon about Wake and Phil jump with a bit of a shocking grass? So you're going to cast the spell shocking grass? No, no, I'm asking you beforehand because you're going to fuck me on this. I want to know, this is just like the non-lethal witch bolt I tried

to cast. Yeah, you're right. How would you, a scientist who follows the rules of thesis, experiment, conclusion, find out if that would wake up Filge? Well, can I do it through some leather or something? You want to send her a letter? Leather, leather. Something that doesn't carry electricity through it. Then it would be pointless. You did this earlier this season and murdered a man who was in a band.

Is that what happened? Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Oh, look. Sorry, either you've murdered him or he was much better. I'm not sure. All right. Well, look, I'm the one trying to help out

our dead friend here. Dragon huddle, dragon huddle. Okay. This after party will... Grim is looking at you. He's like, can I come? Look, look. All right, Gr Huddle. Okay. This after party will... Grim's looking at you. He's like, can I come? Look, look. Alright, Grim. Come in. Oh, I love a huddle.

What are we huddling about? Do you have anything to revive our friend here? She's passed out. Do you have any health potions? I've got some potions of healing back at the old Dragon back inn. Well, if there's potions of healing going around... Yeah, I call it whiskey.

I do have actual ones too. All right, well, who are we to say no? We need to get fields back on our feet, so let's go. Okay, to the inn. And he's looking around for all the actors because he's so starstruck. He's like, the after party isn't mine. I'm going to put a big tab on.

I'm a dinner guy now. Bon appetit. And he grabs from like a nearby burnt corpse a little hat and a cloak and a cane and he leads you off towards the dragon back tavern, a humble tavern in the caravan quarter where there is a roaring fire.

There is a pig on a spit. He pours you all some nice humble whiskeys and you sort of slump up Filge on a couch as Filge, the smell of the crackling venison, causes you to stir. I did say that they have potions.

I said that I had some healing potions. I made that up, but I feel like we have to commit to it now. And Grim is heading off to get them, so for the moment you have the room by yourself as Filge begins to stir. You have one hit point. Ooh!

So the smell of venison restored a hit point? Yeah, the smell of venison from the roasting pig. It's stuffed. It's a half to ducken. It's a pig stuffed with deer. Yes. Are the antlers protruding from its stomach? No, no.

One antler out of each side of the snout. Fuck, that was a good pick up. Oh, God, we're going to get drawings of this antler. I can't believe we didn't leap on him. We were getting complacent. Filch, are you all right? Oh, me smell venipig. You think they stuffed the pig with...

You think they surrounded the deer with a pig or you think they made the pig with... You think they surrounded the deer with a pig or you think they made the pig eat deer? Shall we check? Bring me a slice. Bagnut goes and takes the pig off the spit. Yes. And brings it to Filch. I eat it like a lollipop.

All right, it's great. It's surprisingly tasty. Like hold it by the antler. Yeah. Just so you know. It turns out, by the way, that what they do is they tie two pigs to eat the sides of a reindeer. They're not liking it. They don't like it, Doug. And then the pigs eat

the reindeer like Lady and the Tramp spaghetti. It's a local delicacy. They don't like carnivorous body horror. And as you eat, Saltback comes back and he's got a little tray with quite, it has to be said, four quite dusty

bottles of potions of minor healing. Okay, how about this? How about this? It's a parlor room and it's a husband and wife. And he's also got a notebook. And they hate each other, but they're having people over for dinner. And there's drama, and there's conflict. And they say things like,

Oh, you would say that. Isn't this what is afraid of Virginia Woolf? I have read the back of that. That is what what is afraid of Virginia Woolf? I have read the back of that. That is what I assume it's about. I tried to think of a play. Field shots all four of the potions of healing. Excellent. Take

44 plus 8 hit points back. I wanted some. Now I have to say, this is only a short rest for you, but sleep is still very much on the cards. Not so much for you, banknote. You've got a good night's sleep. So what time did the show start?

It's now about 11 o'clock at night. Is 9? No, David started at 7. Oh, we did cut the performance short. You cut the performance short by killing everyone in the room. Right, right, right. It's quite, so it's, as I said, it's about 11 o'clock at night. You have been up now for almost two days

and you're going to start coming into level two exhaustion, which will halve your speed as well as the disadvantage on ability checks until you sleep. But you are in a tavern as well. And Daggerford Castle is not too far away. Can I interest any of you in some fantasy meth? That is not in the notes. Mr. Saltback.

Has Grim Saltback broken bad? What is your biggest bed? Well, Vilge, I said that was the bed you used to sleep in all those years ago. Which he has now taken for his own because it was the best bed. Mr. Saltback, will you tuck us all into the one big bed? Like old times? And tell us the boring story of the man and the lady who hate each other in their house?

It would be my pleasure. And I'd love some notes, honestly. I'd like them to be honest because there's no point, you know, really getting into the nitty-gritty of this idea. We're always here to listen to a first draft. So yeah. One big bed. One big bed.

All right. Fine, fine. Grim Saltback takes you into his own personal suite on the second floor of the Dragonback Tavern and he tucks all four of you... Oh, can I say something very sweet about his room? Yep. You haven't obviously been to this thing since you first...

You really haven't been to the Dragonback Inn since your very first adventure five years ago and you notice around the walls of his bedroom that it is like a little bit of a nice kind of like tribute to you guys. There's like drawings of you. kind of like tribute to you guys um there's like drawings of you there's like some like your unpaid tab is like up on the wall yeah doesn't he hate us and we owe him a lot of money you paid him at the beginning of the season yeah and like you get the sense that maybe he's been kind of dining out on the fact that this is where

the dragon friends live maybe he shows people famous famous murderers of the dragon friends well you know word gets around since Barovia And like, yeah, you get the sense that he's And you also get the sense that he kind of like Realises it a bit too late when he opens the door Like when you hand someone your phone And you've got all these crook photos on it Well, this is

Creepy Oh, hey guys Yeah, that's You guys left some stuff, so I'm storing it on my walls. Keep it off the floor, you know, in case you want it. So do you want to take this or sign this or... I sign my stuff and then take it. Yeah, that's fine. You've set this up like we're serial killers And we're not Never mind

He tucks you all into the bed And you can go to bed now if you want Well, because Banknote isn't part of the Dragon Friends group You can get in on this Oh yeah, he's like Just totally chill with you He's like And Bastogne

He's just like ignored Yeah And then also because Banknote already slept in the afternoon. He won't be able to sleep. So can, while they sleep, can I take an opportunity to... Yeah, what are you going to do?

Well, either I could do a sneaky thing. No, you know what? It's less effective if you call it a sneaky thing. Do you want to write down for me what you do? I've written down one idea, but this is my secondary idea. So what I want to do is upgrade the turret. But there's no rules on how to upgrade the turret. You want to level up.

I want to level up the turret. Otherwise, I've got to undo this thing, what I've written on that. Ben's looking at a secret piece of paper right now. Is the turret Bushu D2? Yes. No, I think I'll let you level up the turret, but you've got to tell me what you want to do. I want to put...

This said, show audience my ass, so... Very sneaky. What I'd like is to... Could you gather sort of 40 to 50 people into the tavern? I have something very important to show them. Now, do you think this is a pimple or a wart? No. Sorry, that's gross.

No, I want Bushu D2. I want to give Bushu D2 mobility. So can we do grappling hooks? Yeah, tell you what, he has three... Tarzan swinging... He actually has three combat modes He has force baluster, he has a flamethrower mode And he has a third mode

And if you lose the third mode I will let you replace it with a grappling hook Oh, well if I just shoot him in the sky Can I just give him wings and jets then? Stop trying to trade up No, wings and jets,. Stop trying to trade up. No, wings and jets, it's a flamethrower,

but just it goes like that. Oh, like Iron Man. Yeah. I would give him two turns of fuel, but he drops after two turns, two combat rounds when he uses it. 12 seconds of fuel. Or unlimited grappling hooks.

You know what? Again, you are trying to trade up. I think the grappling hooks are smart because they could retract again. He's more like Spider-Man. All right, we're going grappling hooks. And to be clear, the kind the grappling hooks are smart because they could retract again. He's more like Spider-Man. We're going grappling hooks and to be clear, the kind of grappling hooks it is, is arrow, it's weighted arrow, so it goes

over a... This is tremendous audio content. Or flipping around like a beam or... You don't get to say any of this. I mean, a grappling hook is heavy anyway. Yeah, or through like a window and then over and then clunk.

Those are the same type of grappling hooks. I know, but I'm saying that it can do both of those things. I don't want you to be like, no, it only does one thing. The rope's only three centimetres long here. Fuck you. Sorry, the rope's three centimetres long? The rope's made of dental floss. No, it's a proper rope.

Despite the sound of cranking, ratcheting, arc welding and the incessant muttering of Banknote in the corner with some kind of deep grudge against his maker, the rest of you are able to drift off into sleep. Now, you all go back to maximum hit points. Wow. Something interesting happens. Your first sleep since you acquired that magical warhammer, Filge,

you attune to it. And through your sleep and dreams, you realise what it can do. So this is Thunder's Wake, your new giant heavy wall. Thunder's Wank. Wake. Thunder's W Thunder's Wake, your new giant heavy wall. Thunder's Wank. Thunder's Wank. Thunder's Wank is a plus two. Wank, wank, wank, wank.

Even I'm not happy with that. It is a plus two. I'm going to keep going until you motherfuckers all shut up. What can the Warhammer do? Well, first of all, I want you to say what its name is. Its name's Thunderwank. Is it Thunderwank?

Because I have the rules here for Thunder's Wake. Trade up. Trade up. Is it worth it? Thunderwank? Trade up, yeah. Don't betray your principles. Yeah, read out the rules for Thunderwank.

Thunder's Wake is a plus two heavy maul that allows the user to understand but not speak giant and every time you roll a crit against creatures larger than Filge they have an instant save versus death and once per day by slamming it on the ground and

giving out a war cry you can cast the spell Thunderous Step which is a sort of shockwave-empowered teleport. Holy moly! Thunder's wank is a spell that makes Banknote giggle. It's a hammer with a dildo for a handle. Yeah. So do you want the dildo hammer?

So now which one do you want? Come on, Rit! You know I love teleporting, Dave. You know that's my favourite thing to do. Well, what other powers does the dildo hammer have? It has all the properties of a novelty, but not actual dildo. So no vibrating or spinning beads or anything? It's the kind of thing you would buy at a joke shop.

Yeah, a real Granny May's ass dildo. Are we talking a flared base so it doesn't get lost up there or what? Don't put it in a dishwasher. It will disintegrate. Am I misremembering that Granny May's sold dildos? I think they sold, like, aprons with boobs on them. Yeah. I don't think a place where you can buy Magic the Gathering cards,

you can also buy a dildo. And it wouldn't be called Granny May's. Dildo Emporium. For my mind, Granny Maze was like half Tweety Bear T-shirts and then half just a sex shop. But I don't think I'm right about that. I think what happened is that it was like your childhood memory of the rudest thing ever, which was probably like greeting cards,

which were like, now you're horny and 50. Imagine walking into Granny May's and being like hey where are the dildos just a quick question Tom who's our bard who is younger than us

do you have any idea what we're talking about dildos are a thing that women use and men genuinely my mum asked me what do you do for work these days, Tom?

I'm like, I play keyboard while six people talk about dildos. And where's the song for the dildos, Tom? Thank you. A steady rhythm, please. I don't want to be doing the... All right, I'll call it Thunderwake and I'll get my thing. All right, congratulations. You get a real Dungeons & Dragons magic item.

Congratulations. Can somebody else have Thunderwank? One of your NBCs yet to feature in the next two episodes has the magical item Thunderwank. You happy? Yes, I am. Okay. We'll just leave that. The audience

we won't even explicitly say. It may just become obvious through the operation of the adventure. Bobby, you sleep and you dream and in your dreams you see yourself standing on a dark and lonely shore alone. In front of you

you can see a glittering ivory gate held open between two frozen statues of lovers reaching out to each other. Without any control or sensation, you find yourself walking through the gate down a road towards a dark city that you can see on the shore. You cross through another gate, this time a wooden one,

covered with carvings of stylized fire until you come to a third stonework gate held closed by two identical bowing figures, one with a dagger in his back. The gate is blackened and damaged and covered with deep scratch marks and gouges, but it holds for now. Off the road, you see a flickering fire and again you feel yourself terribly drawn towards it

as you walk into a ghostly wood where you can see a circle of cultists in dark hooded red robes, each embroidered with the sign of the lampwick knot. One figure stands addressing the circle, playing with something glittering in their hands nervously, their face hidden inside the dark folds of their own hood. They speak out. Tonight the dark lady brought me once more to the glimmering dream as I made the journey towards her lost and lonely city, but even as I walked I was ashamed, my brothers and sisters, for I knew we had failed her. The brother's gate was barred and locked, and I wept, and I howled, and I tore at my cloak, but I could go no further. We had been foiled, and worse, with one Hofferman dead, we would not break the third

seal. You have failed me, as I have failed her. we all deserve to pay for those failures. And yet, wonder of wonders, the Dark Lady has shown us a mercy tonight, a miracle, though it will cost her dearly. She has decreed that she shall open the third gate and succeed where we failed her. She gives us so much, and she asks for so little, just a simple gift of the flesh. And with that, the herald shows what is in his hand, two large glittering silver nails slick with blood. And as he does, he leans towards the fire and you notice dark, wet rivulets of blood staining the neck of his hood. With trembling hands, he grasps at the side of his cloak and he pulls back the hood, revealing a face mostly hidden behind white bandages stained with blood and a dark

ruin of a wound where his eyes should be. A herald does not need eyes to see. I have paid her price and our work continues. She has given me a gift as well, The names of those that oppose us. They will die tonight and she will rise. There are four days left until the end of the world. And with that, you wake up in a panic. Guys, wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Wake up. Wake up. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.

What was Baston dreaming about? Baston is on a stage. There is a musical. This is not a small, shitty production in a town. You're in Waterdeep. You're on a huge stage. Yes, yes. There are dragons in the audience.

Yes. And they are chanting and blowing fire. Yes. And you are dancing. Yes. And you are spinning. And I do a leap. And you do a leap.

And then I land in the splits and then I do a flip and then just keep doing flips, flips, flips, flips, flips. And then it cuts to me waking up and my legs are doing little kickies. Little kickies. Whoa, whoa, what? They're coming for us. Don't ask me how we know. I know.

We have to get out of here. We have to go. It's the middle of the night, but there is a door, there is a window out the side of the tavern, which you're only on the second floor, so you're not too far from the ground. Where would we, where are they coming from? Where should we, back to the castle?

Yeah, I guess so. If they know where we are, they say we're going to die tonight. Hey, Bobby. Yes. What a dildo. It's, uh, it's no time. Banknote looks up, and he's just finished scratching something in place. Did you say it's the middle of the night?

It's about 4.45am. Whoa, wow, very specific. Yeah, I know, I surprised myself. So it's still dark before sunrise? Yes, it's still dark. Okay. Well, should we go back to the castle? Go to the next painting?

And then if we go to them and they're coming to us, they won't be where they are and we'll be where they are. They won't find us, do you see? Right. Okay, well, let's tie these sheets together and get out of here prison style. When were you in prison? Why don't we use the stairs? Don't worry about it.

What? Why don't we use the stairs? They won't be expecting that. Let's do it. Grim! Grim! Yes, Grim! He's not in the room. He's in another room somewhere else.

Alright, while you guys are doing that, I'm going to go wake up Grim. It's only going to take them a second, so you're going to make them wait? No, they're going to tie sheets together. You're one story up. You guys can jump, just so you're aware. Okay, cool. Let's do that.

I jump. I sign the bed for him and then I jump. You sign? What do you say? Phil, Z, Z, Z, Z here. Great. Grabbing your hammer, you jump. All of you make, for me, acrobatic checks.

No more exhaustion. What are you doing? Oh, but also, can you make... Do you want to have done this? Yes. Make, for me, ace. What? Show have done this? Yes. Make for me Make for me No, I didn't write that.

Don't. No. Don't. Banknote. Banknote. I want you to make for me a stealth check and I want you to make for me

a perception check with disadvantage. That's a seven. Was that that or was it insight? Or insight or perception. Or perception? Dave, was insight or perception? Zero anyway. Seven.

Eleven. Eleven. Alright. Great. So you guys... I did it? Yes, but I will bring it up later. So... The four of you, all of you now make for me quickly acrobatics checks. I got 10, Dave. 10? You just need 10s. Oh, yeah.

I got 40. 18. Oh, acrobatics. Oh, five. Okay. Everybody jumps down with cat-like tread. Ding, ding, ding. Bonk.

And that is the sound of you taking... That's why the password. Sorry. Phil, you take three hit pointsk. And that is the sound of you taking... That's my other password, sorry. Filge, you take three hit points of damage, but you're otherwise okay. I like to imagine that Filge just falls flat. Like one frame here and then the next is just there. But then it gets up straight away. Be okay!

It's still dark. It's bleeding from the nose. Aside from the smell of baking bread Here and there The streets are empty And you have no trouble sneaking your way back through the money quarter Can't leave any evidence though Bushu Ditu just said fly to the inn No Bushu

Bushu What my master Bids me destroy He remember He abandoned you Bushu? What? My master bids me destroy. He, remember, he abandoned you so you can, you know, question his... What's this abandon? I gave you the hooks you like. Father, mother says I must not kill. You don't know you're going to kill anybody.

Buildings aren't alive. Just burn the thing. I saw that man go to sleep in there. He loved you. I tried to man go to sleep in there. He loved you. No, I tried to wake him up. I tried. But then Dave said I couldn't. We hate Dave.

Are you doing it? The most surreptitious as we can be. We just need to keep under the radar. If they're looking for us, we don't need to leave them any clues as to where we're going or how we're getting there. Exactly! Like a big fire! No, no, no, no! A fire gets rid of clues! A fire is a clue!

Bastogne's gonna wrap up Bushu Ditu in his... in the towels that he brought out. Okay, you stole all the towels? Yeah, I stole all the towels. No, I just took whatever robe I was in. I used that. Wrap him in the robe so he can't...

Wait, the best don't take off his clothes to go to sleep. Yeah, of course. So you've got a bag full of your clothes, but you jumped out the window in a dressing gown. Yeah, in a dressing gown. And then I took the dressing gown off. So now I'm... Naked.

Now I'm naked carrying a Roomba in a robe. So you're walking through the streets of Dagenford naked, holding a bag with your clothes. Yeah, yeah, and a Roomba in a robe through the streets. So you're walking through the streets of Daggerford naked, holding a bag with your clothes. Yeah, yeah, and a Roomba in a robe. The Roomba's in the robe. Thank you for clarifying. He's not very smart. There's no time to waste. And he looks amazing in the moonlight,

I must say. He's rippling. You're not complaining. So you sneak your way up and soon you find yourselves back at Castle Daggerford. LaCroix is nowhere to be seen. However, you have a key and you allow yourselves in. The servants all seem to be to bed as you walk back into the main hallway.

You are back in your castle and it is a new day, which means, I suppose, that it's time for a new Duke using your system. You have the coin at the moment, I believe, Bobby? No, what to me does. Banknote does. So I guess that means that you stole this from yourself. On this shit,

is it, could I steal the coin? No, you know what, I'm gonna say, I'm going to say, Hing, that addled and confused and swearing at a god that you don't believe in as you made this toy, at one point, you accidentally walked over and slipped the Ducal coin into Bobby Pancakes' pocket. Fuck!

Shall we go see the artist? Lettuce. Alright. Cabbages. Cabbages. Cabbages on the brain. You sneak down, trying not to wake any servants. I put a chair up against the door in case anyone's going to try and come in and kill us.

This is like a castle door. I put a chair, I get the biggest chair. Oh, the throne? Yeah, I This is like a castle door. I get the biggest chair. Oh, the throne? Yeah, put the throne against the door. Like, unjam it under the door handle. There's no handle. No, there is a barricade so she could jam it underneath.

Like, there's a big wooden box. Yeah, jam it under the barricade. Wait, before we go much further, do the doors open in or out? Yeah, that's a good question. They open inwards. They open inwards. Okay, so the chair will work.

I was going to do it regardless. Yeah, I know. So again, there is a giant bar, and you're going to jam it under the bar. Yeah. All right. When you jam a chair under a door, do you do it with the front of the chair facing the door, or the front of the chair facing away from the door? Does it not matter?

Away. Away, okay. You've seen movies. But I can't picture it in my head, because I was thinking, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Sorry, sorry. You can still sit on it if that's the case. No, not matter? Away. Away, okay. You've seen movies. But I can't picture it in my head because I was thinking, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Sorry, sorry. You can still sit on it if that's the concern. Yeah, I was wondering if you could sit on it while you were, anyway, it doesn't matter. You can still sit on it. Okay.

To Smedley! Alright, you head downstairs, being careful not to rouse any of the sleeping servants, and with another key, you open the doors to the Daggerford Castle Dungeons. Inside you have created modest quarters for one poor Tom Smedley, once an inmate of Old Hill Sanatorium who is now your artist in residence inside the castle. Each of his paintings has so far shown you a glimpse of a future where

one of the seven gates that was stopping the end of the world has been revealed. It is time for good, honest people to be asleep, and Smedley is not. He sits up, contently in his cell, lit by a single candle, fast at work at a new painting, oblivious to your approach. Hey, little buddy. He just keeps going. Watch your painting there. Just keeps going. What do we see in the painting? It's so early in the day.

Obviously, he starts these paintings every day. He starts a new one. And you can't see very much. There looks like three figures. And they are standing around what seems to be a table, a small table or stool. And there is something on that table. But for now, it is just a light tan smear. Dave, this is probably quite insensitive,

but these are drastic times, so can we give Smedley a bit of that fantasy meth to hurry him up? It's drastic times. What is fantasy meth? Ooh. I don't know. It's ground-up unicorn horn. There you go.

You answered that very quickly, Alex. Now, that's true, but they didn't take any from Grim. Be offered. You don't have any ground up unicorn horn, unfortunately. Should have all gone in on a bag. No, no, we shouldn't have, because I know what it's like. I go in on the bag, and you all just decide it's part of yours. You're licking the bag clean.

But the thing is, I paid for it, so I should get the first line. I assume. So, it seems that for a few more hours, you won't get much from Smedley. The later in the day it is, the more useful these paintings are. There were a few... It's mostly cornflower anyway. There were a few other leads that I will remind you. Yeah, we got that message from that the...

Minister Scarrow at Old Hill Sanatorium. Yeah, the Old Hill Sanatorium has been taken over by... By a new priest. An evilly named priest. Minister Scarrow from something called

the Sleepless Court and he says that Father Brackenvald who used to run the asylum is answering for his crimes. Also, Bobby, from the windows of Truscott's office,

you saw thugs disappearing to the Illustrated Man, a sort of bohemian cafe in the caravan quarter. And Bobby, also, you have the Hofferman Journal, a book mostly written in cipher that is said to hold the entirety of Constant Hofferman's research into the lost city. Oh, we own their house now. And access to their library. You do now have a key to the library and his office, his desks. Are you suggesting

we split up the party? No, I'm suggesting that you make a decision. I think sanatorium, I reckon. I'm into sanatorium. Should we have a look at the book

just while we're here? While we're here, let's have a look at the journal. Try and decipher it. Yeah, with advantage because the others are the journal. Roll for that day. Try and decipher it. Yeah, with advantage because the others are helping you. Make for me. Natural 20.

20. 20. All right. 20. 20. 20. That is substantially earlier than I expected for this part. Bobby, some part of your dark dream still lingers within you

and perhaps this close to one afflicted with the glimmering, you have a flash of genius inside as you quickly scrabble through the book. Most of the cipher is still alien to you. It seems, in fact, that the cipher mutates and changes every few pages. But if you remember, on the inside cover, there was a seven-line stanza that was written a poem of sorts and suddenly with a terrible knowledge you realize that you can read it as easily as if it was written in common the lovers are doomed and frozen in sadness the burning is brighter outshining all

madness the brothers united though one may be damned the learning a tome of lost truth now in Oh, make a goosebumps. Wow. You know, I like a poembump. Wow. You know, I like a poem that rhymes like that. It's good, you know. Sometimes you read a poem, it's all imagery and figurative and whatnot. Too many spaces in between the words. Like, what that even means. Spaces for staging.

Yes, I can see it now. For staging. Yes, I can see it now. Could you read that line about the one that we're up to? Read that one again. The learning a tome of lost truth now in hand. That was just me that we need to go back to the Hoffman Library. A tome of lost truth now in hand.

Now in hand suggests we might already have it. Is that the book we already have? Yeah, it's in your hand right now. Is the poem, is it one of those self-written, is it post-modern, you know? A tome of lost truth now in hand. You are holding a book. In my hand, you're right. Well, look, why don't we just go to the library,

burn it down, and then we can figure out... I mean, as a tactic, it's worked in the past. You're right. Burn every book in the city. A ducal degree. Sorry, are you suggesting that you start a book burning? Crawford, have a day off! Okay. No, I think maybe we can do some more deciphering.

And maybe later in the day, we go to the sanatorium, we come back, we'll have done a little more painting. If it's us in the painting, we'll know we're in trouble. All right, let's go to Hoffman House. To Hoffman House or the sanatorium? Sanatorium first, then to the house. You want to go to the house? I feel like...

Okay. Let me think this more urgent. Let me vote house. Scissors, paper, rock for it. Okay. Scissors, paper... Punch in the nose. Let's go to the house.

And... Gets me every time. By ancient rules of the dragon friends, gorgeous once again. One, scissors, paper, rock and punch in the mouth. Nose. Punch in the nose. And so you make your way back to Hofferman House,

one of the few buildings you have visited this season, not yet aflame. The sun is rising as you arrive and as you knock on the door or are you coming with your key? We have a key. We just open it. We have this here right now.

You open the key and you... What? Inside that key-shaped box, there is a small piece of paper with a combination lock on it. You dial in the combination. Bing, bong, bing. Boop. And the door opens.

If you're trying not to be noticed, who's doing this? Bobby? Yeah. Make for me a stealth check. Stools. That's an eight. Did you just say the word stealth in a stupid way for no reason? Stools.

That's an 18. All right. Bobby very quietly moves the door with a thief's practiced flair, holding it up on its hinges so that they don't squeak. And all the dragon friends at their various heights pop their heads around the door one at a time. You can see that the great hall of Hoffman House is starting to wake up. And in fact, the back of Smiggins is visible in the far corner as he sits there polishing candlesticks.

Wait, is he polishing the sticks themselves, Dave? He's polishing candlesticks and it's quite far in the distance. He didn't notice the opening. The door was opening and he's speaking to himself. Polishing up these blunt instruments. Loving so much of trauma to the head perhaps.

You could sneak. If you want to, you could sneak right past him. So entranced is he in his work, which he bloody loves. I'm sneaking. No, no, no. So the way this works is Bobby makes the test for everybody. Okay. I don't maintain my initial...

If everyone's coming with you, you don't get advantage. No, you're going to need to make one more to get past him. Oops. Well, you threw the dice at me. You dropped the dice on the ground there, Simon. Just drop it in, drop it in.

And that was the only D20 we had. That's a 13 plus 10, so a 23. Oh, okay, easily. Bobby's showing you all where to step, which is the carpet. You make your way down the hallway. This little piggy did a murder. This little piggy did one too.

Head up the stairs. Bobby opens the door to the underneath the stairs bathroom, beckons you all in and then twists the mirror, showing you a secret passageway that you all crawl through. And soon you find yourselves again in Hoffman's private study. Okay, everybody fan out. We're looking for a tome of lost truth. That's all the clues we have.

How would I distinguish that from another book? If there's a truth in it that you already know, it's not it. I didn't come here to read. Dave, what books are in the library? Where are the... Are you pulling a book off randomly? No, just tell me all the books that are in the

library. Is it... You're wearing the study. Which books are in the study? Are there lots and lots of books? So if you remember, his study actually is in front of a one-way mirror on top of a balcony overlooking the family library, which has hundreds of books.

Here you can see his desks, his cartography instruments, because if you remember he drew maps. And you can see a small collection of about four to six books, all on the history of Daggerford and on the history of Carcosa. Well, now, this is probably a secret book, right? So we think we should not look on any shelves. And there's also the drawers, the doors. Like, the desk itself has a couple of drawers in it.

I want to look for a very old-looking book. A carpenter's book. Yeah, I'm going to sniff them all. And the book that smells the worst I will pick. Make for me a smell check. An investigation check. Investigation.

17 I rolled but my intelligence is low so 16 is my total. You see a book. You notice a very old book in leather that has a symbol that you recognise of a knotted cross, the sign of the lampwick. But it is sitting on a low shelf and sitting on top of it is a large dusty bell glass. And in that bell glass is a skull.

Hey, Bobby. Ooh. Hey, Bobby. Yo. This skull here on this old smelly book makes me suspicious. Can you check it for a trap, please? I don't want to get my hand bitten by a skull. A skull's inside a bell jar, right? Yes.

Yeah, but imagine if I took that off. He would be right there on my hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Part of Bobby is humoring Baston when he does this, off. He'll be right there on my hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Part of Bobby is humouring Bastogne when he does this, but part of him is doing this because he's a bit suspicious and he says, excuse me

Senor Skull, may we look beneath you to the book upon which you are sitting? Yes, you can, Mr... Bastogne, please. Oh, sorry. There is the room... The energy

in the room crackles and then two tiny points of flame flare in the eyes of the skull as it opens wide its jaw and gives out a rictus yawn. And it starts to float inside the bell jar. Can I put my hand on top of the bell jar? You can.

And then it goes back to sleep. Who's there? Who's there? Come on, Constance. Is that you, you little rascal? It is the Duke of Daggerford, here for an audience. Oh, the Duke of Daggerford. I remember you came to tea not two moons ago.

And your lovely wife, how is she? She's very well. Say hello, dear. Hello. Bastard. Make a deception check. Excuse me, but Constance, that a name we heard before? Yep, she's the old German lady. That's Constance! That a name we heard before? Yep, she's the old German lady. That's Constance!

Duke Till! Where are you and your lovely wife? Tyrell! Here I am! Hi, hello, hi! I think the lights are out, I simply cannot see! He's got fire for eyes! I know! Be cool about it, please. Where's that little Constance?

Where's that little Constance? I'll hit him so hard. She's taking a nap. I just put her down. Who's taking... Constance is... She? What are you talking about, she?

Which one? Constance again? Is it Constance Hofferman? Constance Hofferman was the patriarch. Constance is a girl's name. Constance. Oh, I get it. To be fair, Ben's saying it wrong.

A skull has no lips! And deep inside a spooky mansion where a once proud family has been laid recently to ruin, the dragon friends find themselves surrounding a skull with one hand, one meaty half-orc hand, all that stops a flame skull from rising from its slumber, realising where it is and exacting a terrible fiery vengeance upon those four doomed and lost and lonely souls

that are all that stands between this land, this world and certain doom, those wretched few we call the dragon friends. Thank you! The dragon friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney.

Until next time.