Dragon Friends - #5.12. Start With the Cravat

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

With cultists on their heels, nowhere is safe for the Dragon Friends. Chasing and leaving clues, the Dragon Friends start to unravel the mystery behind the final 4 gates as plot threads are followed, and in some cases severed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is all great, but the one that I really loved that I want to give the big prize to is this public service announcement for the Daggerford Police. You can't read the copy, but it says, Do you know what's in fantasy meth? We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it's true, that isn't the dragon's way. Old money, rich scents of sandalwood and ink in this proud yet lamentable house called Hofferman Hall, where a rich and gilded family wants the pride and joy of this local caravan community now fallen on hard times of gloomy disrepair.

Not least of all, the fact that they are currently being robbed by a group called the Dragon Friends. Inside a secret room, inside an old locked study, we find our friends, brave Bastogne, Star Wars Bobby, intrigued Filch, and the other one. Come on! You really peed it out there, Dave. Crowded around a bookshelf with a mysterious tome

with the Lampwick sign etched on its cover. Was that what? However, guarding it, a seeming... Mysterious? Animated skull locked inside a bell glass by just the meaty fist of Filch as it begins to become more agitated. And just, sorry, I meant to mention this.

Somebody at Interval made the very good point to me that we haven't picked up on, that Baston is still naked. No, I... Until he tells me he's clothed, I assumed that. I would... This is why you're armour class 12. No way!

Yeah, okay. Look at my dick skull. That's a good question, because you are pretending to be Duke Tyrrell. But also, are you covering his eyes with your hand? You do have a Roomba swaddled in a dressing gown, which you could have in front of your dick. Oh, yeah, I should have talked. I should have said the things that I wanted to do.

And let's not forget a small drawstring bag with your clothes held coquettishly over your shoulder. Okay, I'll say, oh, don't mind me, I'm just getting dressed. Constant! Constant! Where are you? We have guests! The Duke! Duke Tyrell is here! Quick,

put on your adorable little sailor suit and then sing them the song you know! Constant, where are you? Constant! And the skull is getting more and more agitated and the glass is starting to rot. Why, Constant is with the governess. With the go- I fired her for stealing! The new governess that I as the Duke appointed.

Who? The Hoffman family deserves only the best. We do! And that's why I did it. What are her credentials? She taught languages to the king of the elves.

Woo! In Flotion, to the elves of the Flotion estate, the enemies of this ancient house. No, the ones from far away that you love. Oh, they sound nice. Make for me a deception check.

That's a... 17. Hello. 17. Me, the governess. Just a spoonful of language makes their medicine go down. What? Who is this, Duke? I'm the Duke. Yeah, who is this, comma, Duke?

No, it's not the Duke. I'm the Duke. Yeah, who is this, comma, Duke? No, it's not the Duke. I'm the Duke. Oh! She looks, she, your deception test passed, so she's calmed down and she's like, well, Constance should not be in here. This is his grandfather's study. If he is where you say he is, tell this governess to take him upstairs and leave me to watch over his grandfather's study. If he is where you say he is, tell this governess to take him upstairs

and leave me to watch over his grandfather's things. Constant is enjoying his midday nap. You! New governess! Yep. What are your references? Well,

there was a family who said I did real good. What? Yes. And another one who said, great job. So, you know, got to be happy with that. Great job? That's what they said? This is going to become a job interview.

Does Friditz have any more questions? Yes. Pop quiz hotshot! What would you say your greatest weakness is? Oh, me greatest weakness is children's impertinence. Oh, yes, it's terrible, isn't it? How would you punish Constant if he had his nose in his books all day? I snap them book shots on his nose. Oh, that's a good one.

Hey, you know how you're a skeleton? What? What? She starts to scream. And I'm just making, yep. She starts to scream. And I'm just thinking, yep. A single tear pours down her face and then she screams and the bell glass shatters.

Make a dexterity check for me. Oh, that's a three. You were doing so well. I had questions. All right, seven hit points of damage. Oh, shit. As the flame skull zips around the room and attacks and we go into combat. So, Bobby, you are the first one up.

I am going to... Oh, boy. Is Bastong dressed, first of all? No. Oh, no, I started doing it. Yeah, you've put on your little cravat. Always start with the cravat and work down. You put on your cravat, you put on your hunter's vest, you put on your big yellow gloves, the white puffy shirt,

and nothing else. Still swinging in the wind. Okay, so the sack is empty? Yeah, I would have emptied it onto the ground. Yeah, that's fine. Okay, so Bobby's going to take the sack and try and, like, jump up and, like... Oh, like getting a bird that's inside?

Yeah, like trying to catch a bird that's inside. Now, the moment she screamed, green fire burst out. She's on fire. Oh, dear. Is it a fireproof sack? I think maybe the darkness will... When we said it's a sack, it's a dressing robe, isn't it? From Grim Saltbacks.

No, he had a separate... My bag was in the sack, yeah. I left the robe back at the... Well, I'm saying if it covers it up, then the lack of oxygen will smother the fire. All right, quickly. Oh, there's a lot of holes in fabric. I don't know.

I thought it might be like a leather... Make for me quickly an attack roll. That's an 11 plus. Would you put like... Use your dex. Acrobatics or dex? Dex, probably. Okay, that's 18.

18. She gets 18 as well, which means that she manages to get away from you. So, Prudence zips around, and you just miss her, and the next one up is Lion Shield Banknote. He's going to cast

Thunder Wave at... The cantrip? Is that not a first level spell? I think we have this argument every time we play this show. Thunder Wave, the 15 foot cube, it's a first level spell. Actually, you're quite correct. Oh, I guess that'll hit all of us then, will it?

Again? Yeah, the room is about a 15 foot cube, so it will hit everyone in the room. Oh, okay. Well, Alex has just pointed out something called catapult. No! Absorb elements. Would that do good things? Yeah, that might.

All right, let's give that a go. You only had five years to it. That's a reaction, all right? So what I need you to do is you capture some of the incoming energy, which in this case is fire, and you absorb it, storing it for your next melee attack. Next time you attack with a melee attack, it's also going to do d6 of fire damage.

Ooh. Oh, but this is a reaction. It has to hit you first. Oh, okay. Well, um... I will let you ready that. That's your readied reaction. Okay, cool.

Now, what's your action? My action then is to cast something called Sword Burst. I think it's a dexterity 10 saving throw. And then to take 2d6 damage. Please, we're trying to find a book. Let's not do any fire stuff. As you say, that Lion Shield banknote descends with a maniacal grin

and blasts the flame scar with energy, dealing 7 points of damage. Doing 2d6 worth of damage, so that's ten damage. Ten damage, even better. And then the next one up is Bastogne. Has the skull moved away from the book? Yes, it has. I'm going to grab the book and put it in front of my junk. Okay, you grab the book.

To protect it from the flaming, gnawing jaws of the skull. I guess, yep. I'm going to call that a move action. You can still do something. Okay. I guess I will kick the skull with my free leg. Make an attack. Like a soccer ball.

Is this a monk attack? Yeah, it's a monk attack. I get two kicks. A double kick. You're going to use both legs? Yeah. I don't need these for standing like a monk attack. I get two kicks. A double kick. You're going to use both legs? Yeah. I don't need these for standing like a chump. Armoured class, 13.

13. Unarmoured strike plus... Okay. Only one hits and does five damage. Okay, congratulations. Throwing your two magical swords aside, you kick and do five hit points of damage to the skull as a naked foot connects with its jaw.

Take that. And now it is, before Filch, it is the Skulls Go, which attacks you, banknote, for 22 and hits. No! You absorb the elements of the flame attack, but you still bear the brunt of its damage as it does 11 points of damage. And all the while it's shouting old lady stuff, confused.

Like, oh, doilies! And it spits an attack at you, two filled for 14. What's your armor class? 14. Okay, so it fails and it misses you and hits a bookcase as flames begin to create. Every time I level up, should I be getting more hit points? Mm-hmm. How many more hit points should I be getting?

Have you not been adding... Oh, it's just... And I know this is kind of on you. It's just the max hit points on the character sheet... Yes. ...are eight. Yes. And that can't...

Well, that was for a level 1 You gotta respect the sheet Hing You gotta respect the sheet You're a level 5 is that correct? Yeah I'm a level 5 now Tell you what we're gonna do Hing We're gonna look at this after the show So for now I want you to know that you have 8 hit points

Does that mean you're dead? Bankno starts to die but Bushu D2 is still up Which is a shame because you absorb the energy into you and then is a level one Artifact, so immediately too hot, too hot, too hot, and you pass out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm going to give Thunder's Wake a spin

and I'm going to try and hit the skull out of the air. Excellent. Alright. What are my stats for this baby? It's exactly like your normal mole but plus two. What? Instead of plus seven? It's a plus nine. Oh, I get it. Yeah.

Wango, bango, that's a twelve. I shouldn't have said wango-bango. You're right. Swing and a miss. Yeah, you're really taking... It's like wango-bango means nothing to you. All right.

Booshu D2. What? Second attack. Do you want to take your second attack? Why? Because... No, I think we're happy with just one. What? Second attack. Do you want to take your second attack? Why? No, I think we're happy with just one. Thank you very much. But I'm not in a rage.

No, but you have two attacks now. Because you're a sixth level. Oh, come on. Give me. All right, do it. I'll do it again. Wango Bango. That's a two.

Oh, me still getting the hang of this, baby. Don't you worry, guys. Dave, how do grappling hooks work in Dungeons & Dragons? I don't know, Ying. All right, well, I'm going to roll a d20. And what do we say? What's the armour class? 13.

So grappling hook's probably plus four. No, hang on. It's a grappling hook. A grappling hook is a movement skill. You gave up an attack for a utility ability. I'm not going to let you use it for combat. Okay, but you're forcing Bushu Ditu's hand here. You could still...

If he still hit it, he would have... He wouldn't necessarily hurt it. You can hit it, but then you will just... It will be towing you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll only do one hit. Let's ride the fucking skull, baby! It'll only do one hit point of damage, always.

But it'd probably give the skull disadvantage if he had to tow around. What's that? So that's five plus... What did we say? Four? So nine. Does that hit?

No. No, it doesn't. Twang! And the grappling hook hits and topples a marble statue And Bobby you're up next But it flips around it a few times Yeah And then Bushu Dutu begins to drag the marble statue towards the Roomba

I'm going to aim for it with my vicious hand crossbow That's a 14 14 hits Okay 1d. That's a 14. 14 hits. Okay, 1d6. That's 8 points. 8 points of damage hits. And now the next one up is Lanchel Banknote,

who takes his first death check. Oh, shit. Death check. What's up, 50? All right, you're okay for now. Best on. I tuck the book between my butt cheeks. Again, a move action.

Yeah, but just so I say, I'm not putting it down, so no one can take it away from me. And I draw my sword. No one's going to want to after it's been there. And attack. When you say you draw your swords, you pull them out of a bag on the ground? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless they too have been in your butt cheeks. Or when you were naked, were you wearing a sword belt and two swords? Yeah, you do belt, then pants. Start at the carafe, work down. All right. Okay, so I draw my sword. Oh, it's a 20. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah And the other one does 6, so that's

22. And my other sword... Man, I'm fucking slashing shit up. I hit with only one of those. Doing another 8 damage. So, 20 points of damage. Yeah. It's very close to death. And now it is the flame skull's turn as it turns around.

Oh, the flame skulls. And it... That was great. That, the flame scars. And it... That was great. That was fucking great. I loved it. It casts a second level magic missile at you, Bobby, which fires four D4 plus four darts worth of damage. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

And Shady Mordlady thinks, Oh, ABC Jazz, Midsummer Murders. Very, very hot coffees. 19. Elizabeth Warren. Elizabeth Warren. 19 points of damage, Bobby. Oh.

I'm going to halve that because of Uncanny Dodge. No, for a magic missile, it always automatically hits. Oh, my God. Filch. All right. I still got it. I got my arm in now. I'm ready to go. I'm going to do two more bashes of the thing.

Wango Bango Indy. Wango Bango. I got a four and a 14. Plus nine, though, so it's a 23 and a 13. 23 and a 13. Both hit. No, only one hits, but it hits. So it's your damage plus two.

I'm a plus 13. 13, so you need to defeat it. Yeah, no, I knew that five years, cool. All right, now, what did you say, Dave? Do the rest of it. Doing your normal damage plus two. Uh, no. 15.

15. All right, Wango Pango shouts Filch as she jumps up in the air and smashes the skull onto the marble statue on the ground, obliterating both into tiny shards of dust. Ooh. That's more. Got a bit of juice in it. Um, uh, ooh!

That's improv, baby. Is Ben sleepy after his snack? Is that what happened? No, I'm on a little sugar crush. Just eat your kebab. The bookshelves are starting to burn in earnest. Soon the house will be roused. Not ironically anymore.

Yeah, we're like on fire. Oh no, we're priceless antiques. What are you doing? The house is on fire? Can you use your freezing, your eyes are freezing to put out this fire? Give any contraptions at this leave. He's sleeping. Make for me a death check.

Ah, fuck. For God's sakes, man. Ooh, five. All right, you start to die. You're one third of the way towards actual death. I give him the kiss of life. Hey, try that defibrillator thing on him. Yeah, yeah.

This is a good chance to try the experiment he wanted to try. I put his little shock ring on his chest and I go, bingo, bango. Take D, eight points advantage. No, no, no. That's not the password. What's the password, Eden? I don't remember. Well, I'll just kiss him then. Make a medicine check.

He said charitably. Medicine plus one. Give him a beautiful sensual kiss. With advantage. It can't hurt. Because you're that beautiful. It's just church tongue though. It can't hurt. Because you're that beautiful. It's just church tongue, though. You're still half naked? It's not too much.

Church tongue? Yeah, you know, it's not like porno. Like a wedding kiss. Yeah, like a wedding kiss. What did you think church tongue meant? I thought it was some porno thing. You're older, 16. 17.

Baston, you swim back to consciousness to find yourself being cradled by a half-naked Baston kissing you as I see you studied under the jaws of life. Breathe new vigor into your lungs. And Baston reaches behind him and pulls out a book

and waves it at you. Good, sir. Thank you for kissing me back to life. No problem. This has nothing to do with you. I just want you to life. No problem. This has nothing to do with you. I just want you to know. Alright. I'm going to put some pants on now.

Is there a bit of chemistry between these two? I hate to say this, but the room is slightly charred, starting to take fire. You don't really have time to put pants on. Like slightly charred? Can Bobby be like patting out fires and stuff? Yeah, make for me a dexterity check. That's a three.

That's a three plus. Flames grow quicker. Plus seven. That's going to give the old Ray a... That's a ten. Yep, that's a ten. That's not enough.

Ray frost a bit of a spray. That's a... Ooh, that's a three. He misses. Okay, the eddies of oxygen around the room burst the flamesdies of oxygen around the room burst the flames into new life as the room starts to burn in earnest.

Well, this isn't going well at all. Let's just blame the skull and skedaddle. Let's just grab as many books as we can. But this is our house now. We're burning our own house down. No, it's not fun when it's our own house. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying.

No, no, the thing about property is all the value's in the land. Wait, maybe if we just run downstairs and tell that murderer that something's on fire, then he won't murder us and he'll put the fire out instead. Fantastic idea. Let's go. Look, worst comes to worst, Crawford will take care

of it. You race down the stairs and you... Smiggins is now no longer anywhere to be seen But there is a butler standing Looking up at the He's heard the smell He has smelled the smell of smoke And he's wandered into the hall

I'm the Duke There's a fire upstairs in the secret study Go through the bathroom We've left the door open Please hurry We didn't start it Okay, great That's a lot to take in

This is my first day Nice, sorry Nice to meet you Magic study Magic spells We didn't start it. Okay, great. That's a lot to take in. This is my first day. Nice, sorry. Nice to meet you. Magic study, magic spells, magic skull. We're in hell. Lots of other things to do. We didn't start the fire.

Go, go, go, go. Poorly done. Yep, great. On it. Sweet. Hey, yep. I just want to say that that butler, you get a dice of inspiration and you race out the door,

but in just one other small scene, that butler walks, looks at you, then walks over to a small cupboard, pulls out a sending stone and says, Mr. Joel, I just, you know that new sound you were talking about as you race down the street so hang on no no no hang on

canon this was it that Billy Joel is a magical being which I don't disagree with yeah so the only only pop music that we know crosses over from Faerun to here

is Billy Joel. Potentially only we didn't start the fire by Billy Joel. Okay, Canon, that's fine. Is he at least called Billy Jewel or something? No, it's Billy Joel. And we might hear more from him later. So you race down the streets. Where are you heading?

Oh, where are we going? We just turned into the sanatorium. We must go. If we're in town, should we hit the illustrator? Actually, as you dive out of the building that is starting to smoulder, there is a carriage, suddenly, you know, it's a ducal carriage, waiting in front of the building. And there is a small folded over piece of card ducal carriage, waiting in front of the building and there is a small

folded over piece of card sitting on the step of the carriage with footmen sitting, ready to go. And as you turn the card over, it simply says with compliments, La Croix. How did he know we were here? You saw the notes before. We need to go

to the sanatorium. Alright, let's go. And on the way there, we can... No, no. We need to go... The clues are all there. There's clearly some sinister shit going on. The guy was evil.

You saw the name. Let's go there. All right. Which, to decide, filled. Scissors, paper, rock with banknote. There are no other ideas. No one wants to do anything else. I hate to say it, but you did say you were going to decide things by duke or coin.

And as we know, Bobby has the coin. You got the coin, boo-boo. Bobby, me suspicious. Like, all carriages are with compliments because we the dukes. So why this one have the sign on it? Me think maybe a trap carriage. Yeah. Turn into pumpkin or something.

I say let's go to the Illustrated Man. We'll take cover there. People won't expect us to go there and we'll look over the book that... Do you still have between your butt cheeks? No, I'm holding it in my hand now. Okay. And then after that, I promise,

then we'll go. Okay. Because if somebody is trying to kill us, they've laid a series of... This carriage, the note about going to the sanatorium, they could all be traps. So you're ignoring the carriage?

Yes, we're going to walk to the illustrator man. Can I throw a rock into it to see if it explodes, like if it sets up a trap? Ah, yes, nothing's flammable like a rock. Phil, you take a rock and you throw it carefully into the carriage and then you hear a and then a little voice go, ow.

Oh, me hurt the rock. Sorry, rock. If that is what you want to call me, then I guess I am a little regular Rock Hudson. The curtains are parted, and Pomplamoose LaCroix peers out from the carriage. What are you doing in there, LaCroix? Oh, nothing. Just waiting for your jerkiness

to take advantage of this conveyance that I have conveyed your way. Why did you put a card there where you could have just put your head out the window and talked to us. I like the cards. I put them in, I use a bulk.

So, I'm trying to use them as much as possible. Card? No, thank you. Card? Oh, no, but me will take a compliment. Oh, you're looking especially regal. Ah.

And may I just say that you have big teeth. Pomplamoose, LaCroix, one-time regent of these lands, and now sort of, I guess, your butler, has come to take you wherever you want to go. Yes. How did you know we were here? You live in certain... Fire, wherever you go.

You look up and indeed you can see smoke billowing out of the second floor balcony. I took a wild guess, you know. Is Smiggins okay? Can we do a Smiggins check? Do a Smiggins check. Do me a... What time is it? It is now about 11 o'clock in the morning. Is the castle on the way through to the sanatorium?

No, they're different directions. If you remember the sanatorium, you've got the map. The sanatorium is outside of town, but not too far. The castle is at the top of the hill in the centre of town. Well, oh, shall I look at this book that we have? Yes. Why not? I'm sorry, Bobby, but it look at this book that we have? Yes. Why not? I'm sorry, Bobby, but it smells a little like my butt.

You can do it. Oh, but I'm not so good. Okay, I'll have a look. Just hold it out for me. Should we do it in the carriage? I don't think we should be doing it. Okay, let's get in the carriage and head to the place. Yeah, head to the sanatorium.

To the sanatorium. Oh, what a wonderful choice. I give Baston gives Banknote just a little punch on the nose. Just a little bit. Just like boop. Scissors, paper, rock. It's the rules. Love you.

Okay, I'm reading. All right. Now, the ride to Old Hill Sanatorium, it's quite crowded inside the carriage, and there's not a lot of time. It's not, however, written in any ciphers. So if you tell me what you were looking for in the book, the book broadly seems to be a book that is explaining machinations of a cult that existed a century ago in Daggerford that called themselves the order. They didn't call themselves the Lampwick cult. They called themselves the illustrious order of lamplighters. and it's a history of their time in the town. If you want to tell me...

Boring. Bobby, read this. I can't be bothered. I'm looking for any references to hands or the hand. To the hand. Yeah, hands or the hand. It says a tomb of lost truth now in hand. It could be a location or a special statue or something. Make for me an investigation check. That's a 12 plus 6, 18.

Okay, so this is at a time before the Duke ship was created when basically a bandit king of caravaneers ruled the town and it talks about how a cult sprung up 100 years ago called the Illustrious Order of Lamplighters out of the people that were responsible for lighting signal lights up and down the Delambia, and how at night they would murder people trying to fulfil sigils that they said would bring about a return of Carcosa.

And one of them does talk about a tome in hand which happened on the fourth night of the cult's spree when ancient writings about Carcosa were stolen from a vault that one of the merchant kings that operated in the region held. That's all it says. It's quite sparse.

If only there was a scholar of ancient writings that kept all their stuff in, like, a cool library that wasn't on fire. LaCroix hears you say this. Oh, well, actually, the other men... Oh, I see. As you are finished explaining this to your compatriots, you arrive up to Old Hill,

and you can see that the sanatorium is now awash with builders. All of them large, muscle-bound, silent. Men in robes marking them as followers of Ilmata, the god of suffering and penance. Are they like really, you can tell they're really muscling even though they're wearing robes because they're like really short robes. Yes, they are. And also a lot of them in the autumnal sun, they've pulled the robes open, and you can see the huge frames, but also wicked scars on their back, as if they've been whipped or scourged. And they are sawing, creating cinder blocks, and fortifying the sedatorium.

And even as you see, the old gates are being torn down, as new wicked gates with sharp talons are being installed as the sanatorium is being built up and being built stronger. Talons are like hands. Maybe they want to put some sort of book in these hands to open the gate. I'm just saying, I'm just spitballing, guys. Let's not rule it out. And a gate opened like a book.

And a book opens like a gate. As your carriage arrives at the gates, it can go no further as the priests sort of notice you and you see a small tent where there is another, it has to be said, slightly chubbier man, also in one of these very short

robes, who is pouring over a desk on two wooden sawhorses with sort of plans, and he looks up at you and sort of waddles over. Dave, I just want to say before we go any further that I have my pants on now. By choosing to let

Bobby investigate the book, you have time to put your pants on. Alright, and when you're done with the book, I'm going to put it back down my pants. On my butt, not between, but for safekeeping. Also so my butt has more protection. You guys must be the Dukes. Hi.

I'm Blensley. So welcome to, I guess, the new sanatorium. Anything you knew about... New Hill Sanatorium? Yep. Old Hill Sanatorium. New Hill Sanatorium. That's actually not going to be the name, but it's a bit of a joke that I have with the other guys.

They can't talk, I can. What about... Excuse me? What about what? I missed that. Uh-oh, Alex has tickled our own fancy. This could be... We'll just let him over here.

The pause causes four more priests of Ilmata to put down their tools and now Filch has an audience. Oh, the Duke has an idea for the name, everyone. What about Bonkers Town? What about Bonkers Town? Yep, well, I'll put it on a suggestion form. Just spitball in here, but what about Bonkers Town? We could do a Z on the S. Make it seem more fun.

Make it seem more fun Bonkers town Yeah The Zed is kind of fun Yeah that's Well yeah You know I'm going to take that to Minister Scarrow because I think that's a really good idea. Anyway, I'm Blensley.

Think about everything you knew about the old sanatorium. Forget it. It's over. It's done. That Brackenvold, he cracked under pressure, tell you what. Tell you what, he just gabbed and gabbed and gabbed. It only took 15 hours of torture, and all of a a sudden he just wouldn't stop talking. Renounce his heresy, yep, yep, sure did. Oh, did he get the glimmering? Oh, glimmering, tell you what, that's a load of, excuse my French, but baloney, it's...

That is bad French. Yeah, that's why I asked you to excuse it. So, Minister Scarra is of the opinion that the glimmering is just, you know, arty types with too much time on their hands. That's why, you know, hard work in this new sanatorium, working title, Bonkers Town. Win the set. It's going to be real, real healthy for these people.

Give them a real boost up. I'm only allowed to talk for like 24 hours. And this has been great because I really haven't had anybody to talk to. Because other priests, they're pretty annoyed that I got to talk and they don't. What's going to happen after the 24 hours? Oh, I've got to take my vow of silence again. But for now, oh my God. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. silence again but uh for now oh my god a b c d e f g so blendsley like all penitents flagellants that uh prostrate themselves across this in front of the mistress of suffering ilmata have taken

vows of silence but as the master builder responsible for working with trades people, freelancers fantasy air tasker Lensley has been granted a waiver on his vow and he's bloody loving it yeah the minister, has he taken a vow of silence?

he has a lot of important people to talk to and more important than the duukes? Oh, gosh, I guess not. I can see if he's busy. He's kind of brooding somewhere. Guy loves a brood, tell you that much for free. And where's Brackenwald right now?

Oh, man, he's being held as one of the inmates now. Oh, that could have hurt. Yeah, talk about a bunch of baloney, you know. Pardon my French. We want to see Brackenvold. Right now. Brackenvold or Scarrow, which one? Out with the old, in with the new, I say.

Don't worry about Brackenvold. He's Bracken-old, you know what I mean? Have you said the word turquoise yet? Turquoise? Oh, turquoise Just saying it a good word Yeah, it's a great word Thanks very much

Okay, well Jookies, what do you want to do? Maybe As acting Duke Please take me to Minister Scarrow If someone would care to join me The others will do an inspection of the cells Maybe to visit the newest inmate, to make

sure everything is up to scratch. If you're brandishing the coin, you can have advantage, but make for me a no, actually, just a charisma check, a straight charisma check. Persuasion? Persuasion is fine, yeah. I do have the coin. That's a nine plus three.

Okay, well, you are suitably cowed, but also you realise that this will give you a chance to talk to some more people. Yeah, great. Okay, well, you are suitably cowed, but also you realise that this will give you a chance to talk to some more people. Yeah, great. Okay, so, yeah. Guys, if you're going to take a tour of the place, can I just, like, be really upfront?

It's still a work in progress. So, like, you know, if you see, like, some sawdust on the ground or, like, no plumbing or, like, people howling in agony or whatever else, just, like, just know that, like, this is definitely you're coming into, like into very much V1. And while I welcome your feedback,

and I really, really do, just be aware of that because, yeah, it's a bit like, yeah, I know that not everything's perfect. So, yeah. We get it. In a soft opening, we won't leave a bad review. Thanks very much. That'd be great.

Just like the last thing we need is a bad review on Fantasy Yelp. You know what I'm saying? All right. Blensley, do you happen to have like a notepad and a quill I could use? Sure. Yeah, here you go. Here, I'll hand it here. And Baston starts writing on it. Talks too much.

That's your first strike, Blensley. Lead on. All right, Blensley's going to take some of you on a tour of the cells downstairs, leaving some of you to go to the audience chamber to meet Scarrow. I need to know who's going where. I'll go with Blensley. I'll go with Scarrow. Okay, so Filge and Bastogne, you follow Blensley.

No, actually, first of all, we'll go Bobby and Banknote. You make your way into a large audience chamber which you have walked through once in Brackenveld's wake, but you can see all of the doors are re-fortified. Wooden doors are being replaced with steel ones with tiny letterbox slots on the side of them. As penitents, workmen walk left and right, and you can see a figure sitting at an austere,

temporary workman's desk on a high dais at the back in an imperial black tight-fitting robe with a peaked deacon's cap. Enter. Hello there. Allow me to introduce myself. Sorry, I said enter, I didn't say talk. Okay.

I'm still talking. How big is this room, Dave? The room is 60 feet long and 25 feet wide. Where are the doorway? Okay. Hello there. My name is Minister Scarrow. Your business? I am the Duke of Daggerford.

Oh yes. How's that? He looks at you in a way that looks remarkably less deferential than everyone else in Daggerford has been. You remember, of course, that this man is not a local. By whose authority do you come to take over the running of this institution? By the authority of the church. By which authority do you come to me? As Duke of Jaggerford. Well, it seems like we're getting in pass.

He goes on to say, The church has always been independent throughout the Western heartlands. We provide what simple hang I'm gonna interrupt myself in my flow there you're that's a lot of d6 he's a d20s Dave I have six more fireball orbs on my necklace. And I just, I just, I feel, look, can I just game this out with you, Simon? Sure. Dave wouldn't put this character in unless he, because we forgot to go back to Smedley,

but the way narrative works, he's, you know, he's probably, if we kill him, he's probably, you know, that's probably the thing. You know, Ink, if you killed me, you'd probably win the campaign too. Are you in the game, Dave? I mean, Billy Joel is. No, I wasn't. No, no, Banknote's just... He's just fiddling with the necklace. So Scarra says,

As you know, we provide what simple, blessed relief we can for those poor, afflicted fools so cursed by infernal grace as we can. We have provided this service for centuries for the small and pitiful towns along the Delambere. If we were

to leave, this town would suffer anew and I am sure you do not want that. What was Brackenwald lacking? Conviction, spine, vision, a sense. Also, some of his certificates were forged, but

hadn't done any first aid. He was funneling money to the Vietcom. But mainly it was the man's vision and spine. The glimmering is no different from any other disease. It just has to be understood and cured. And scourged with fire. And what do you know of this disease? All I know is what I see.

And what I see is weakness and something that can be purged. Your friend seems quite agitated. No, it's a semi-dragon huddle for a moment. I'm getting very evil vibes from this one. You know, his name's Scarrow. He's talking in that weird voice Ben does when he wants to do evil, you know? The drag bouts are all there. Now, Dave, these doors are steel, are they?

Yes. Shall we do a drop and run? Now, let us at this moment cut to the dungeons. and run. Now, let us at this moment cut to the dungeons. Where Baston and Filge and Master Builder Blensley are

walking down a long corridor with spluttering torches as they pass cell after cell with grinning scar-toothed snagglepusses. So those... What?

I tried to say... All right. I tried to say snag-toothed. I'm locked up in Bomberstown already. His name is catching on. Yes. Anyway, those torches are splattering. They probably won't be splattering when we actually do the proper open.

You know what I mean? And nonetheless, they are splattering now. Mark another mark against you. Anyway, it's kind of dank down here, but I think it kind of adds to the feel of sort of the thing. Is there anything in particular you guys wanted to see? We'd like to see Brackenwald, just to taunt him a bit. Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, he's in our B- wing, which is where we are. And he turns around the corner. There he is. And he opens up. There's a huge isolation cell with a door with no letter slot. And he pulls a key from his belt and he opens it and he ushers you into a tiny ante room with another steel door on the other side as he locks the door, locking you and him inside an ante room.

Well, here we are, halfway to where we need to be. As the door clangs shut, all light is extinguished. you're expert and he pulls out a small wax taper with a single flame that will light that will burn for about two minutes and he passes it to you bobby as he pulls out a key he's not there no yes sorry to you baston as he pulls out a second key and he opens a door and waits for you to walk further into the darkness. Oh, please, after you. But he puts his hands up, and again, making the sign of Ilmata, he will go no further. Okay, well, um, hmm.

Hey, Phil, quick, super... Semi-dragon huddle? Semi-dragon huddle. I feel like we shouldn't both go in, because then he'll, like, he could lock us both in here. You know how that could happen. You think we bonk him on the head?

Yeah, maybe just, yeah. Okay, three, two, one. Bonk! Make an attack with advantage. Oh, yeah. 16, all right, yeah. You're level one commoner. Bonk! And Blensley slowly crumples down in the ante room.

Bonk, bonk. And as you, Phil, pull his keychain off his belt. Yeah. What else is in his pockets? There is a handyman's, one of those flat pencils. Oh, yeah. Why are they flat? I don't know.

There's one of those wooden right angle tape measures. It's because you can control the length. Do you guys want a whole podcast of Dave naming tools that he doesn't know the proper names of? He's got a magical stud finder. You press the buttons and a little imp inside it goes beep. And then he has eight copper pieces and he has a little scroll that he looked at that you pulled open and it says remember you are master builder blensley

weird a weirdo over here look and then that bastard goes looks like he took his vow of silence a little early. Oh, Brackenwald! Your old friends, the Dukes. You hear a clink of chains deep inside the cell, but no voice. Is there a torch around? You're holding the little taper. But it's only got two minutes of light.

That's correct. Will it be okay? Two minutes. Okay, let's hurry then. That's correct. Will it be okay? Two minutes of light. Okay, let's hurry then. I've got dark vision, so what else? Walk into the cell, which is tiny. Three feet by one foot.

Just enough space for someone. No! No! Too small, Dave! Three feet by one foot? Three meters by one meter, I mean. Oh my God. It's season one again.

And you walk into this tiny little room and you can see a figure shivering at the back of the cell wrapped in a heavy iron chain and filthy ragged robes. Breckenpelt. Improv. Sorry, did he say improv? Did Brackenwald been doing UCB courses? Yeah, the new sanatorium does offer them.

Truly the worst form of torture. What? Why are you in this cell? I failed you all. I failed you all. I let them come here and take over my beautiful building, my lovely healing house. They've taken it over. Why didn't you come? I begged

you to come to the sanatorium. We had a lot going on. Where did they... Why are these guys so rich? Yeah. The church has resources... Why are these guys so rich? Yeah. The church has resources. Why are the church locking you up? Because I wouldn't count out at them,

because I don't believe in everything, because I'm a bad little boy. Yucky when you say that. Who are this church, anyway? Who are in charge? Who are the big wig in this church? Minister Scarrow, you cannot trust him I'm done for

But get out, get out while you can And stop the cult Wait, how's Scarrow related to the cult? It's all connected Look, I'm gonna be honest Brackenwald I mean, it's pretty fucking obvious That they're baddies

and they've taken over and they've locked you in here. Give me a little more, okay? Yeah. Give daddy a little more, okay? And you're just going to give up and leave me behind? We've come to rescue you. Come on, buck up, okay? What do you want to know?

Look, why... What we need to know. Give us the stuff, the good stuff. I have some fantasy meth. Ask me a question. Okay, all right, all right, all right. We're doing vague cup, vague cup. Vague cup, vague cup.

Oh, do you want to do... Oh, I really like you. You're a nice boy. Do you want a massage? I'm doing the good cup. No, okay, not that. All right. I don't know what you want to know.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. I'll do the other one. You pooped in here. You're a dirty little boy. Yes, I'm a dirty little boy. I'm a dirty little boy. Don't agree with me. That's weird. All right. Brackenvold, who Scarrow really work for?

The church! What the church name? Church of something. Church of Ilmata. Okay. Oh, yeah. What do they want? Why don't they believe in the glimmering?

Do you want to say this? The church believes in itself. It believes in its great purpose to be ready for a war with elemental evil. It does not believe to its fault in any other forces in this world, but there are forces more dark and sinister even than all the devils in hell. Oh. So they're kind of goodies. Even the most devout paladin can be turned to wicked purposes. He can

be blinded by his purity and do great evils in this world. The Church of Ilmata is such a force. All right well you seem happy here we'll go. No wait Go on, tell us something good. He goes, wait, wait, wait. You're about to close the door. And he says, Scarrow will be operating in my office. My office has a secret passageway that we'll access. You could get into his office. Yes, that's good.

Thank you. There's a secret passageway that starts in his office or to get to his office. Yes, that's good. Thank you. There's a secret passageway that starts in his office or to get to his office? That's how passages... It's both. The western corridor of the great hall. Behind a metal door, there is... The western corridor of the main hall, behind a metal door,

you will find a gargoyle in a sconce with its hands on its eyes. Remove those hands and a secret passageway will open up that will take you to his office. Gargoyle eating sconce. Take off its hands. That's not what I said. Bye.

But I told you everything. Aren't you going to? Okay. We'll go and we'll just leave the doors open. If I were you, I'd get into his clothes, put him in yours, drag him in there. But you do you. Okay, bye. He shakes the manacles that are locked to the back wall. Oh, throw the keys at him. Yeah, throw the keys.

And you leave. Meanwhile... Meet you back at the castle. Meanwhile, upstairs... Okay, Dave. Scarrow is going to have to make six separate dexterity checks. Okay, what's Scarrow is going to have to make six separate dexterity checks. Okay.

What's going to happen is... Yep. So Begnaud's going to turn to Bobby and be like, Right! Just as we practised in my dreams! It's going to hurl six remaining fireballs into the office, right? And then close the steel doors and yell fire in the hole and just fucking

run okay so you okay alright so many fireballs I've got an automatic dice rolling here what is the what's the dexterity save dexterity saving throw isn't it per person

yeah no it's your spell DC. Oh, my spell DC. Oh, goodness. It is plus four. Is that what that means? DC 14. Okay, so failed, failed, failed, failed, passed, failed. Oh, passed.

Oh, yeah, no, no, it's passed. So it's four fails and two passes. Okay. So do you want to do the damage? Yes. So it's 86 per fireball. Yep. So can you do this for me?

27 plus 14. Is 41. Plus 21. Is 62. Plus 23. Is 84. Now we do the half damages. How fun is that?

Plus seven. So that's what, rounded up though? No, no, 7. I already halved it. Plus 7 is 91. Plus 7 again is 98. You did 98 points of damage to Minister Scarrow, who was

in many ways one of this season's minor bosses. In a world where gods and mortal men do come to times to swords, it is said that there is no true justice for the wicked, no true righteousness for the worthy. Many of the poets and scholars and philosophers would do well to think upon the time that a junior artificer essentially incinerated an elder cleric of Ilmater in the course of his duties, who died still with many secrets and plot points on his lips. Yes, Bobby, you have something to say? I turn to Banknote and say,

forget it, Banknote. It's Bonkers Town. Tune in for the next episode of Dragon Friends the Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey and Michael Hing our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniment by Tom Cardy Shakira Khan designs our website the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me hugh guest and new episodes are recorded live every month at giant dwarf theater in sydney

until next time fantasy meth or goblin's delight or tolkien ice good stuff is made in chamber pots by horsey gangs. Yeah. As well as unicorn horn, fantasy meth can contain owlbear hair, young bronze dragon ears, Friso's normal chongus... How dare you?

...and dairy.