Dragon Friends - #5.13. Roll To Acquiesce with Tom Walker & Guy Montgomery

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

Editor's Note - While this episode is very funny, Guy and Tom play two adventurers trying their very best to comedically end their lives. If that's something you're not going to enjoy, maybe give this episode a miss.With the season's minor boss shouldering in the room behind them, the Dragon Friends are stuck in the middle of the Old Hill Sanatorium with alarm bells ringing. Their only chance for escape lies with an unlikely pair of twin brothers whose assistance might prove invaluable, despite their best intentions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How many experience points does a minor boss give? You level up, you motherfucker! Fucking yes! We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray No daring do, we wouldn't pursue But thinking it through, that isn't the driving way Fire, Prometheus' gift to man That great equaliser of gods

Mortal beings and, let's be honest, D&D plot points The audience chamber at Old Hill Sanatorium burns white hot as Lion Shield banknote, Asimar Artificer, and deeply troubled soul throws bead after bead from a magical necklace of fireballs at Minister Scarrow, a man who had committed the unforgivable sin of not letting him talk for like one second while he finished writing something.

Scarrow for that is dead now. Yep, he is. As are so many since we began our quest in Daggerford just four days ago when you learned that a doomsday order called the Lampwick Cult had sinister plans for this idyllic caravan town. Seven gates exist if only in the mantle of the glimmering dream, for the cult to find and open and spell doom on Faerun, and three of those

gates are already open. But you are prepared, Bobby Pancakes. You have two books on the history of the cult in your possession. You have custodianship of Daggerford Castle and are technically and inadvisably duke of these lands, a title that you share with your dragon friends, but you have also drawn the attention of the shadowy herald who leads those self-same cultists. For now, however, all you can do is try and shield your eyes as Banknote burns it all down. His silhouette slowly becoming lost in smoke and flame. You need to get out now. Make for me a constitution saving throw. DC 14.

Ooh, no. So you are poisoned by smoke, just so you know. So you have disadvantage on ability checks for the next two minutes. Carbon monoxide. Technically, that's what that is. Too much. I just prefer to call it fire poison, like a normal person. So it's just at the moment, it's Bobby White himself,

and you know where the door is behind you, but the room is obscured with smoke, and you've lost sight of Banknote. I guess I'm going to back out to the corridor. Okay, so you start to back out, and as you do, you suddenly feel a sense of movement rushing towards you. Quickly make, now one more check for me,

this time a dexterity saving throw, DC 16. A disadvantage? Yes, that's correct, because you're poisoned. Ooh, that's a four, baby. Okay, so you... Oh, no, mate. You're struggling, you're struggling, you bump into what feels like a person for a second,

and you ricochet off them into a desk, and you take a little bit of damage, just four hit points of damage. Four desk points of damage. It's a spiky desk. Scarrow was a bad dude, and I'm sorry he died because it makes my job harder, but for the good of the world, fine. Was it like a Game of Thrones desk? Yeah, it was a real Game of Thrones desk.

Made of swords? It was a desk that would be very expensive on ads on Facebook and you'd look at it and you'd go, that's cool. And then you'd look at it again and you'd go, but not really. No, that's a desk that you'd look at and say, that's cool. Nobody else gets Facebook ads like that. You know that bit of any given furniture in your house that you hit your knee on?

Imagine a desk made entirely of that. Oh, um, tow bars? Just on cars? Anybody get this? You go in between cars, they're very hard. Turns out steel, very hard. You're back into the door and with...

Tom just started playing the Seinfeld theme and you know what? Fair enough. With Herculean effort, because you are but a small little halfling you pull the huge audience chamber door open and you step out gasping into the corridor which for now is empty but there was this huge explosion so clearly the gig is up and as you walk down the corridor two figures come running towards you at speed you have a second to prepare an action if you want to. Yeah, I'm going to draw my sword. Self-portrait?

You're going to draw your sword? Yep. All right, so Bobby draws his sword as these two figures race down. And to play those figures, please welcome to the stage Tom Walker and Guy Montgomery! Guy Montgomery! How you doing, fellas? I'll speak for us here, I think.

Please go ahead. So good. What wonderful podcast etiquette. Like, that's really clean and neat. It's easy. I like that. He's a professional. He's not like us.

I'm sick of these cunts. Tom, I've given you a remarkable amount of latitude this time around. Yeah, Guy is pretty new to D&D, so we've kind of come up with our character concepts together. Yeah, you made both the character sheets. Yes, indeed. And I haven't looked at them, so you're going to need to run me through the characters a little bit. Okay, cool. Should we introduce ourselves in fiction, or do you want just a short pre-see here? Why don't you start by just describing what Bobby sees as you run down the corridor.

Okay, cool. You see a large, bluish-grey man who is approximately eight feet tall. And then to his, do you want my left side or my right side? I think your left side just for neatness because for those listening along, I'm actually on Tom's left side. Yes. And in art as in life, on his left side, there is what you would describe as a five foot eight tall pigeon. So do you have those stats handy at all?

We can call that an Aarakocra, I suppose, which is a type of five-foot-tall pigeon. You made your character significantly taller than Guy's character. Yes, indeed. I scrabble for status in every way I can. Armed, do you have any weapons or anything that hints at your class or profession? There are...

The large man is holding a similarly large... Let me see here. Weapon, if I'm pronouncing that right. And the... Indiscriminate weapon. No, you get a sense of sharp edges and a stay-away vibe. You know when you're looking around a party and you just see one guy that's all cheekbones and malice?

That, but in like a tool. Is cheekbones and malice the name of your weapon? Oh, man, those are the names of lefty and righty. He's got more knuckles inserted so he can get it tattooed. The large man is laden down with weapons and then the pigeon is holding a simple staff and robes that would not weigh them

down were they to burst into their flight as is their race's god-given gift. So there you are. How's he holding the staff? I'm holding it in one of my talons you fucking idiot then how are you walking down the hallway so yeah very very yes so one one of my talons they walk clear like this but the other one it's sort of labored and it's very heavy and i go so just to be clear you've decided Which is Which is Absolutely your god given right But it's not required

That your character Does not have functioning arms Have you seen a pigeon You're familiar with The bird pigeon That's fine That's fine The thing is guy

Like This is a world Where your imagination Can run wild But if you are unable Do you not hear That this pigeon is over five foot thin? Are we not playing the same game? These two figures, their run becomes a trot,

and then they sort of stop as they realise that you are blocking their way. A small halfling with a short sword already drawn. Hey, guys. Hey, man. Yeah, hey, guys. Hey, man. Yeah, hey, man. Guys, there's like a fire back there, so just... Oh, sick. All right, let's cut to the chase here. Are you going to kill us?

No, are you going to kill me? No. Well, I'd like to try, but only if you'll kill me back. See, me and my brother here, we got a deal. Wait, sorry, brother? You mean literally, or...? Huh? Yeah, what?

He's your brother? Sorry, did we say something to confuse or bamboozle you? No, no, I'm just a bit befuddled. Oh, well, not confused or bamboozled, but befuddled. Well, fine then. All right, me and my blood brother here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry.

Look, I know I've only just met you. Yes. Spit it out. How? You know what? It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Sorry, I interrupted you.

All right, brother, would you like to continue this interrogation? Absolutely. A fire, you say? Yes. If we were to run towards it, would we find some sort of conflict that might help end our lives? You see, my brother and I are looking for something that you call, uh, death. We crave death in battle so that we may advance to a paradise beyond all earthly

reckoning. Well, stick with us. Yeah, the action's pretty much done in there, but, um, you know what? We've got a bunch of, um, you know what? We've got a bunch of... You know what? Death follows us like a puppy that knows we have

sausages in our pants always, which we do for some reason. So, yeah. We'll find you some death. And with that, there is a thump and a door swings open. A large half-orc has peered around the corner, a barbarian by trade. It is Filch with a handsome

man with a number of swords strapped to his belt and pants on now, which is a big move up from last episode. It is Baston Andreevich, human fighter. My, my, you're a big boy, aren't you? Are you talking to me or my brother? Oh, well I suppose

You're a big boy too Two big boys That's the case Now If I had to pick Would you be a baston That's me I've already

Always have a good sense For names Do me Do me Do me Pilch I think so Well Yeah Me Pilch. I think so.

Well, we'll match. Meet Pilch, this Baston, that Bobby. Oh, great. Well, I'm so sorry we didn't ask your name before. I'm Table and this is my brother, Chair. Serious? Is that what you're doing? Yeah, you said that we can use all of our imagination.

Table is, it seems, some kind of Goliath fighter, I'm guessing, by blue skin. Yes, indeed. He's ever so big. A pigeon? An ambulatory pigeon. All pigeons are ambulatory. But I'm saying, do you fly as well? Oh, yeah, if I so choose.

Okay. But are you an Aarakocra? Yeah, it says it here. So why don't you have arms? Because my arms are fashioned as wings. So I was born with arms but I got surgery to make them non-functioning and

just wings. So you had your arms melded to your already existing wings? Yes. Alright. It's streamlined. Yeah, they're just underneath. Yeah, if I spread my wings, you can see arms inside of them. Vestigial arms, yeah. Okay.

I also have regrets. Best Don and Phil, you've arrived, obviously, racing up from the cells below where you spoke to Father Brackenwald. Guys, we're going to kill... Kill? Yeah, we're going to kill... Well, if you must, go ahead. All right, we won't stop you if you're looking to.

What? Huh? Oh, these guys want to die. They want to die? Why do you want to die? Oh, you know, Battle, it takes us to a heaven beyond imagining, which is, of course, in Re... Re...

It's in Re... Two of, honestly, the greatest improvisers in the Southern Hemisphere. The door begins to burn in earnest. You know what? It's a fucking reunion. Because behind Bastogne and Filge, another figure emerges, a slightly tubby man in a priest's robe of Elmata,

nursing a big bump on his head. Oh, g'day, guys. You knocked me out before. Oh, gosh. It was so funny because I was just talking to you and then you bloody gonged me on the head. And I had a dream. I had a dream, by the way, that I was just lying there asleep.

I dreamt that I was asleep. How annoying is that? You know what I mean? No, it counts as double sleep. Oh, yeah. Nice. That's why I must be feeling so refreshed. What are you guys up to?

So he's not angry? No. But he recognised that they attacked him. Yeah, I mean, he's a very trusting man. Father Brackenwald, we have No. No. Blensley. Oh, Blensley? I don't remember you at all.

Okay, that's totally fine. He tries to act like he's not upset about it. Oh, we bonked you on the nog. You bonked me on the nog. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just being really cool about this because I reckon it's just a thing that you guys do, like bonking each other on the nog a bunch in your adventuring party. You know what I mean?

Like, oh, he's bonked him on the nog again. No. No? Blends. No. So we're here to depose your evil cult. Oh, right. That's what we're doing. depose your evil cult. That's what we're doing.

That's what we were going for. Gosh, gosh, gosh. I wish you hadn't said that because now I've got to apprehend you. Also, we also killed Scarrow. Goodness. Oh, what? That's news to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Banknote's in there. He just fibed the shit out of him. Oh, gosh, guys! Oh, gosh! He starts searching his pockets for a pair of handcuffs. Yeah, gee! Oh, no! You guys have got to go to, like, hyper jail! Or, you know,

like, if there's a jail in a jail, that's where you belong, because... He pulls out a small whistle, and he starts getting ready to blow it. Oh, gosh, guys. And he starts going like... And like wetting his lips. I'm really going to blow this one really hard.

I knock it out of his hands as hard as I can. And I bonk him on the head. Opposed dexterity checks. To see if you can get there before he blows the whistle. Do you want me to do a bonk check, Dave? Afterwards, yeah, yeah, yeah. I rolled a seven. I got a eight.

Phil really waits until he's wet his lips before slapping it out of his hands. And now... 17. Bonk. And Blinsley collapses in a little heap by the doorway, a smile already appearing on his beatific face. I race over to Blinsley to continue helping wet his lips

with my pigeon tongue. Okay. What does that sound like? It's quite, well, it's quite quiet. Yeah, but you've got to, you know. So it sounds like this. So I told you it's quite, it's not a good sound. No, no.

It's not comfortable. I've never thought if it's wet or not inside a beak. Well, now you can wrist easy, my man. It's wet like the sea. Simon gets up, walks into the sunset. I will say, because you are fussing with the body, that you discover on him as well a couple of things. So he's wearing rosary beads with the sign of Ilmata,

the goddess of suffering. Does Catholicism exist in this world? Well, I mean, rosary, I mean, like, in a sense. No, Catholicism exists. But he's of a different church. Well, he's wearing rosary beads, so that's curious. I guess every man contains a multitude. He's wearing rosary beads, so that's curious.

I guess every man contains a multitude. You find his prayer beads, and you also find a key. And there's also the tin whistle, which you can have if you want. Yeah, absolutely. And a pair of handcuffs. Oh, great. I take the whistle and blow it as loud as I can. More around you, to the left, to the right, to the south,

whistles start sounding and you can hear commotion and footsteps racing towards you. This is about a 20-foot corridor. There are sconces in the wall with gargoyles on them. There's the door you broke down, went into the cells, and there is the now on fire the entire door and the top quarter of the corridor is now on fire. Dave, when we,

the Father Brackenwald, we talked to him last episode in his cell and he told us that there was a gargoyle that if you pull its nose... It had covering its eyes? Yeah. Can I look for a gargoyle with its eyes covered?

You don't need to roll. There's one of the gargoyles that is covering his eyes. It's a hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil deal. So I look for a gargoyle with its eyes covered? You don't need to roll. One of the gargoyles is covering his eyes. It's a hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil deal. So I go to the see no evil and I uncover his eyes.

All right, as you do, there is a sort of whirring sound and the entire sconce spins around slowly and then moves to the side. It reveals a stairway leading up with flaming torches lighting the way. Do we want to go up?

The whistles are getting louder and the footsteps are stamping nearer. I think we just want to get out of here. So do we want to go up? I think down is escaping, right? You don't want to go up these stairs? What's up there though? I mean, when we get higher we can always come down?

Yeah. Sounds good. What are you talking about? Okay, everybody get in the thing and I'll pull it and then I want, so I want to push everyone into the corridor and then I want to cover its eyes again and jump into the corridor

so it... Chair and table, do you acquiesce to being pushed? Listen, I get the feeling that if we stick around here we might be killed but if we hang around with these guys

we'll definitely be killed. So I think if we want to be killed we should head with these guys. Take the whistle though. Yeah, yeah, the whistle's coming with us. Sweet. We acquiesce. Alright. Am I doing it

right? You're doing great. Yeah, we have to roll to acquiesce. Okay, you make your way in and Bobby has fiddled with the gargoyle and it dodges out of the way and just as it slams back into place, leaving you all in a hidden secret passageway, you can hear footsteps burst through into the corridor that you were in

and the stairways lead up to a door, a locked door at the top of the stairs. Bobby. All right, I'll give that a red hot go. It's a 19. Okay, Bobby flicks out his thieves' tools and makes short work of the door, and it slides open, revealing what looks like a humble office with a lot of space, but otherwise not a lot of furniture in it.

There's an austere desk. There is a bookcase with a few books and scrolls on it and there is a huge table at the back covered in a sheet and a chair and a fireplace that is cold. A sheet over a table. Ghost table. You've seen one of these ghost tables before?

Only after... Well, actually, that is very scary to me. Table? Yeah. Oh. The scariest part is you go to put a plate on it and it just falls right through. Because it's a ghost table.

Why did your parents call you Table Table? Huh? Oh, all of our family is named after useful items. What's your father's name? Oh, we never met. And your mother? Oh, a stranger to me. And me.

You're cousins. No, we're brothers. I don't know who that character is, by the way. Have you met a brother or sister or any other member of your family? No, just my twin. Yeah. I met my identical twin brother when I was six and he was three. And we've been side by side ever since.

Can I pull the sheet off the table, Dave? Yeah, absolutely. You walk over and you pull the sheet off with an unnecessarily theatrical flourish, I imagine. I think necessary. Okay. And there is a huge corpse, completely naked, lying on the table, which is made of steel. My God! Oh, God. There's a table under that sheet.

Oh, boy. Some corpses! Oh, God. There's a table under that sheet. Oh, boy. Some corpses have all the luck. A big corpse. Yeah. Table big? Yeah, eight feet tall. Eight feet one, I think. Yeah.

Oh! Sorry, I take off the corpse's shoes. Completely naked, as I said. Wow, table, this is so unlikely, but it looks like that corpse is almost as tall as you. Yeah, almost. I'm doing an investigation check. Look around.

Let's say 15. Okay, Bobby, you look around. You can see that there are letters in effect from Scarrow. Let's say 15. Okay, Bobby, you look around. You can see that there are letters and effects from Scarrow. It seems he's been writing a lot of letters since he came here. Some of them are addressed to someone described as the archipontiff of the Silent Court, explaining that he has set himself up here as instructed and will await the next phase. And underneath those letters, there is a book. And as you pull that book out,

you see that it is a manual for making flesh golems. And suddenly, at that moment, I need you all to roll initiative because the corpse begins to rise on the table. It might be nothing. It's a zombo. Twelve. That is a three. Plus one, which is 4. I'm remembering why we don't do initiative in this show, but that's great.

17. 12. Very good. I got 16. Does the flesh column have a voice? Yeah. Do you want it to have a voice? Oh.

It doesn't have a voice. Hello. I guess it have a voice. Hello. Guess it has a voice. I am a golem. Hello, golem. I'm going to crush you with my hands. And swinging a big, meaty, naked thigh over the side of the table,

he begins to stand up. Sorry, did you have something? Don't crush Phil, crush me. Ah, so gallant. You're right, you're my first. But the first action is Bastogne. I'm so annoyed at this choice. Oh, are you?

Yeah. You're annoyed. Oh, look, it's me, Ben. I wake up today. What am I facing? Consequences again? I mean, the sewing was so fun, but I didn't think I'd have to reap. Yeah, this reaping blows.

I'm going to, using the sheet, I'm going to wrap it around his head so he can't see. Okay, you're going to try and tackle him with the sheet. All right, make for me an opposed strength check. Flesh golems are famously very strong. Yeah, but I want him to have a sheet on his head. He rolled a seven. Twelve plus three is... Fifteen. Fifteen, okay.

Bastogne screams and immediately clothes his upper torso in a sheet, winding it around so that he is now blind, which means he has disadvantage. I cannot see. But he can still... I'm just over here. Follow the sounds of either one of our voices. All right, but Phil, you're up next.

sounds of either one of our voices. Alright, but Phil, you're up next. I'm going to just try and whack him whack his kneecap. I'm going to kneecap him with Thunder's wank, with my war hammer. Sorry, with your what? With Thunder's wank. Thank you very much.

Make an attack with advantage. Why do I get advantage? Because he has a sheet wrapped around his head. Great. That's higher than 20. Higher than anyone could imagine. Think of the biggest number you can. It's that. Okay, that hits.

21? Yeah, it was 22 actually. That hits. Mathematicians have hypothesized about a number higher than 22. And I get him for 14. 14 points of damage. All right. You smash him and he flies back against the fireplace,

roaring in pain. Oh, yee! And then next up is, I want to say, Chair, the Arachocris Sorcerer. Oh, yee! And then next up is, I want to say, Chair, the Aarakocris Sorcerer. Yeah, no worries. That's me. So you can take any action that you want. You can cast a spell, you can attack him.

Yeah, I would like to nestle my head into his palm. Okay. Chair! Chair! Because he's flailing, though. Chair Chair throws his staff to the side where it lands in the clatter and walks with wingspan outstretched and my little hands also outstretched

for reasons of surgical accuracy and you nestle your head into his palm provoking a reaction attack which is a slam attack For reasons of surgical accuracy. And you nestle your head into his palm. Yeah. Provoking a reaction attack, which is a slam attack. And he hits you, I assume, for 18. So you take 14 points of damage. Oh, yeah.

That's your entire action. You better believe it, brother. Bobby Pancakes. So the manual on golems. Yes. Can I... Is there a content at the front? It would take you a long time to study the book.

It's a book mostly for how to make them. Yes, you probably could learn things about golems, but probably not in combat situation. I pick up the book and throw it at the golem. Make it a dexterity attack. That's a 19 plus 7. Okay, the spellbook, because it's a magical spellbook, it actually does damage because the golem is immune to non-magical weapons.

But because it's a spellbook, it does 3 damage. So the golem is more perturbed than upset. If you picture, if you will, someone trying to do something and finding it very hard to focus because people are throwing Skittles left and right. That is basically the golem's response. If you can picture any audience less equipped to catch something... Yeah, man.

If we could catch things, we wouldn't have to be here. Tom, you're up. Okay, I'm gonna... I sprint to the flesh golem and grapple it, trying to force my greatsword into its hands.

Thanks. Alright, that's opposed dexterity, but the golem does have disadvantage. Okay. The golem rolls an eight. That is a 16 plus one. Is it a magical greatsword? No, just a very big one.

Unless you count their size, there's something magical. Which, you know, having seen the big banana goodness gracious there's something there all right as the golems go now and he makes a slam attack um on the head of oh and i'm a terribly sorry guy but he rolls a critical fail which means that he tries to smash your head into the mantelpiece, misses, and then smashes his own head into the mantelpiece, freeing you. This is the one thing I didn't want to happen. And doing 14 points of damage to himself. You idiot!

The flesh golem attacks you, Tom, rolls a two and a nine, so he misses you with your own sword. Fuck! And Phil just, like, says to Bastogne, like, these really good fighters. But, Bastogne, you're up. Okay, so he's got, the guy has a sword now?

No, the Gollum has a sword.? No, the golem has a sword. Yeah. And his top torso is covered in a sheet, and that's what he's wearing. Well, I'm going to slash at his knees. Okay, so you... With the name sword of Bastogne. Sergei Andreevich.

What's his armor class? Oh, that's a 20. Yat-see. That hits. That's a critical hit. Bam, bam. Oh, 10 plus 4 is 14. This is another magical weapon.

And what's his armor class? His armor class is 9. He's wearing a sheet. Oh, yeah, good. I get to hit again and do another 9 damage. Okay, he's in pain and he screams in a sort of bestial pain. Oh, yeah. Okay, he's in pain and he screams in a sort of bestial pain. As he goes berserk.

And now he will attack anyone in range of him. He can do nothing but attack the closest person as he goes completely angry. No, I need another word that's berserk. Bananas. Thank you very much. All right. Great. Completely big bananas.

He goes completely big bananas all over the shop. Filch. Oh, back to me. I'm going to rip off his sheet. Yep. And I'm going to try and strangle him around the neck with it. Okay, so you pull the sheet off his head, removing his disabled condition and... Oh.

Dropping your war hammer to the ground because you need two hands to do this. It's going to look cool. Make the attack. I got seven. Seven won't hit. Guy, you're up. I would like to cast a spell at random towards my brother.

Does that count? I gave you a spell book of cards so were you just going to randomly draw? Yeah, I haven't looked at them. That was the one thing I asked you to do before we started. I know, it was the one thing I refused on principle to do before we started. What a coincidence. All right, you're going to cast it.

Tell me first of all who you're casting at. I'm casting at table. Okay, you're casting it at your brother. Yeah. I don't actually know what I'm sort of doing is I'm just spinning around in circles. You're casting it at a random person, a random spell. I'm casting it at enrage.

Yeah, I'm just sort of spinning around going, oh my God, I can't believe he blew it. Okay, I've randomized it for you. You're casting it on the flesh golem. Tell me what you're casting. I cast Invisibility. Oh, good. Bobby puts up a hand as the room goes deathly quiet and everybody freezes for a second

as it seems like your new Aarakocra friend has cast a powerful magic spell and immediately disintegrated the golem. Oh. Wow. And then there is a thud and a crash and the desk flips against the wall and you realise that you are trapped in a

25 foot by 15 foot room with an invisible golem armed with a greatsword. Where am I? Now to be clear, the greatsword is not invisible, is it? And the golem has magical resistance,

which means he could have had advantage on the saving throw, but I don't think you get a saving throw against invisibility. Now, is the sword invisible as well? Yes. And the shape? Everything he's carrying. Oh. That's the worst kind.

Yeah. Don't worry, guys. It only goes for one hour. That's the worst kind. Yeah. Don't worry, guys. It only goes for one hour. Simon, you're up.

I think at this point, table high-fives chair and says, there's no need to close our eyes now. Assuming there was... If he was writing letters, is there an ink pot on the desk? There is an ink pot

on the desk. Okay, I am going to just start throwing ink around the room. Okay, great. With disadvantage make a touch attack for me against armor class 9.

That's an 8. What is the touch attack? He's got hot decks. Decks. Plus 4. Plus 4. So that's 12. Even with choking choked with smoke even facing an invisible What is it? He's got good dex. He's got hot dex. Plus four. Plus four. So that's...

Okay. Even with choking... Choked with smoke, even facing an invisible flesh golem, you manage to get a splash of ink on one arm of the golem. You don't know where its whole body is, but you sort of have...

It's probably near the arm. You have enough to target the golem, but anyone will still have disadvantage attacking it. Okay. And that's your action, and now the next one up is, I hate to say it, Tom Walker. Alright, I step in

I step to my left. Did you just roll a dice? Yeah, and I hope. What does that look like I'm like you get the table puts his finger up in the air

tries to feel for it and then just spins and then steps okay that's your entire action and now the invisible well I don't have a greatsword, Dan.

And now the invisible berserk greatsword-wielding flesh golem makes its attack. And you're all standing in there, so again, I'm going to randomise who it hits. So the first one is Tom. Congratulations. Yeah. You get two slam attacks, Tom.

One of them is a critical, and the other one is a 17. Does that hit? My armor class is 11. All right. That seems very low. But also, I imagine, I don't know why you have any armor at all, to be honest. Just for appearances, I think. All right, you take 32 hit points Of damage From the two slam attacks

My man And then The great sword Attacks This is very lucky Congratulations Guy You get hit

With the great sword Oh what a crying shame I feel like You're gaming this And the great sword Is 2d8 Plus 5 20 hit points of damage.

Ow! That's what I say. How are you looking? Make a persuasion check on that one, actually. 19 plus 3, 22. He looks in genuine pain and you want to help him. Eden, you're up. Dave, Bastard's going to go to the cold fireplace.

Yes. And grab handfuls of soot and just throw them around the room. Okay, great. Excellent. One more of those dexterity checks. Am I disadvantage? Yes, you are. Why?

Because he's invisible. Gives you an idea. Okay, we are okay. Aha! Yeah, good. The minimum is 18. Okay, you have undone what Guy has done. This figure is now covered in soot and ink and you can make out where they are,

but that is your action and filled you up. Okay, I'm just going to – I've got a – can I have a mauling one here? Can you cross it all in any way? Why would I be? Nothing made me cross yet. Okay. No reason to be cross. Sure.

Just enjoying a good clean fight. You know, everyone here just doing their best. Sure. Thunder's Wake is on the floor. You still have your maul on your back. They're two-handed weapons. Yeah, no, I've got my flail. Oh, they're both two-handed weapons,

so I can't have one in each arm and flail around the room because that was my plan. You can. It's just incredibly inefficient and difficult to hit things. Well, that's never stopped me before. Yeah, so we're making big wings with my left hand holding Thunder's Wake and my vicious flail in the other hand. Okay, you get three attacks. And I go out of my way!

They're all at disadvantage. You get three attacks because they're bonus attacks. Oh, this will be hard. Six dice. Three. Two at a time. Okay, that one hits. Yep.

That one misses. There's some, if you're on the podcast, there's some hectic math and rolling going on right now. Now, unfortunately, it's only D6 because you don't have the full damage. Do you want me to roll it for you quickly? Yes, please. All right, so you take... I'll be taking questions at this time. Excuse me, combat is very interesting.

You take, he takes 16 points of damage. However, half of it is with your non-magical maul, and it doesn't seem to be doing anything. Oh. He's now, however, very close to death, and the next one up is Guy Montgomery. Nice. I will now cast a spell at random. Do you want to stay with a good thing and keep casting at the golem,

or are you going to randomise it again? No, I'll totally randomise it again. Okay, well, so one, two, three, four, five, six. All right. Ben, Ben, you're not in the room. No, I'm the golem. Oh, okay, yeah. Then who's Dave?

No, one, two, three, four, five, six. Snippy, snippy. All right. Snippy, five, six. Snippy, snippy. All right. Snippy, snippy here. Snippy, snippy. Come on, buddy. Snippy, snippy. All right.

Guy is leafing through his book. Not looking at it. One, two, three, four. I'm not going to tell you who this goes to. Magic Mouth. What does that do? Material, a small bit of honeycomb and jade dust worth at least 10 GP, which the spell consumes.

You implant a message within an object in range, a message that is uttered when a trigger condition is met. Choose an object that you see and that isn't being worn or carried by another creature. I will interrupt you there and say the object is Bobby Pancakes. Yes, the object is Bobby Pancakes. So you can create a trigger that will make a mouth appear in, I want to say, Bobby's stomach and say a message that you can write down on a piece of paper and give to me.

Yeah, cool. What's the trigger? Tell me what the trigger is as well and when the trigger is met a mouth will materialize you can do this probably in the break if you want um okay i'll do that in the break you can give that to me and does bobby feel anything like weird in his tum tum well it just looks like again the sorcerer has cast a spell on him and nothing bad has happened. So you presume it's some kind of beneficial property. So, yeah, does Bobby get advantage because of the placebo effect? That's a very good question.

I'll say for one round, yeah, absolutely. And you can use it now. He's like, yeah, I feel amazing. Thank you. Okay, I'm going to find my crossbow of the golem. Yep. That's a 19. 19, which is in your improved critical range,

and it's a vicious crossbow, so you do bonus damage. So add 7 to the damage. Vicious. That's a 3 plus... You say 3 plus 7? Yep. That's a 10. Plus your damage again, so it's actually 17.

Oh, right. Doubled is 34 points of damage. Ooh! Bobby, with the magical crossbow that you got from, I want to say space, who knows, who cares, dives forward and fires a round into the ink splot and soot mess where presumably the golem's face is, and the golem goes bolt upright, says the last thing we will ever hear, I regret my voice,

and slumps down into the fireplace. You have defeated the flesh golem. Congratulations. You killed him! What? Yeah. Yeah, that's what we do. You snatched two tickets to paradise out of our fucking...

Sorry, my fucking hand! Wait, you think this guy doesn't deserve paradise? That's selfish. What are you talking... Fuck this. Hey, don't yell at my friends. Who do you think you are? Big Burn and a blue man?

Well, yes. God, it feels good to be seen. It's like Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil had a baby. I'm really sore, which bodes well. And I was really fun doing better with you guys. But you're accurate, which frustrates me. Yeah, I really thought that would be it, but turns out table and chair

are sticking around for, let's say, another half an encounter. The whistles are blowing. You can see, you have a bit more time to search the room if you want now. Okay. When I hear the whistles blowing,

I start blowing my whistle also. God damn it. Only speeding up the process. Now you are a student of the Arcane, so can you make me an Arcana check? Yeah, of course. That is... Six. That's a six plus three is nine. Okay. And also Arcane, anyone else?

I got a 20 for my investigation, Dave. Are you? Investigation. Are you a student of the Arcane? No, but I'm good at looking. No, no, you're good looking. You got this. Okay, while you are searching the study, Bastogne accidentally takes a step

and a whole bunch of runes in a circle glow and you recognize a teleportation circle. Ooh. Diagonally. I'm sorry? Diagonally. So where has Bastogne heard this? I guess maybe...

In Tokyo! Yeah, I guess in Tokyo, in future Tokyo. Yeah, there was... Harry Potter had been made into a cartoon and then back into a live-action remake Potter had been made into a cartoon and then back into a live action remake. And then back into a cartoon where it's really sexual and a bit of a problem.

Yeah, yeah. Guy, you know how to activate one of these. This is a teleportation circle that is obviously keyed to another location. You don't know where it goes, the runes don't say that, but you know how to turn it on. Yeah. Hey, you guys, should I turn this teleportation circle on? Uh...

Wait. Before you answer, I'm just going to ask my brother. What do you reckon? I mean, yeah. Yeah, he reckons yeah. What do you guys reckon? Oh, we reckon yeah. Yeah.

So the way it works is anything standing inside the circle Will be blinked instantaneously To wherever it goes I only put one foot inside the circle And activate it? Oh no, it's not technically battle, is it? As he puts one foot Inside of the circle, I activate it

Okay There is a blue Whoosh of light that races to the ceiling, and your leg is now a cauterized stump. But that doesn't really tell you where the circle goes. Oh, whoa. Well, I hope they enjoy the gift. Nice.

Who wants to do it next? Me, me! And I fall over and put my other leg in there. I activate the circle. Okay. The experiment yields similar results. Oh, look at me. I'm a normal person's height.

Is this for a bit? Yeah, a bit of heaven when I get over the other side. Will your feet go to heaven with you now that they're somewhere else? Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. Well, uh... All right.

The whistles are getting louder. You can now hear footsteps racing up the stairs. Can I... I'm going to try and pick up the table. Oh, guys, my adventurer party is just up there. They did a really funny thing where they bumped me on the head twice. It's a thing that adventurers do.

But they're my friends. They're cool. Quick, that guy who sucks is coming. I scoop up table and I jump into the teleportation circle. Yep. You're all standing in this circle? And I grab the pigeon and bring him in the table inside the teleportation. But who's going to activate it?

Because the activation is outside the circle. I'll use Mage Hand. Okay, cool. So you make a psychic hand of energy and you press the button as the doors burst open and all of you, as the blue energy... I poked my head. Just before he turned the activation.

Outside of the circle to see who's coming in. As he presses the button? Yeah. Make for me an opposed dexterity check. One. Your timing is

less than stellar and as you poke your head out of the door the blue whoosh of light races and whisks your body away to who knows where. And as you hear the clarion calls, the drums of Valhalla, the afterlife that has been promised to you by your elder brother and no one else, your eyes begin to dim as you know that he and his new friends are gone. And the last thing that you

can see before the darkness comes is an empty room no longer containing those great people you once met called the dragon friends. Give me your character sheet. Thank you. Goodbye chair.

Bye chair. The dragon friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner and Michael Hing. Our dungeon master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniment by Tom Cardy. Our guests this week were Guy Montgomery and Tom Walker

who really made me earn my paycheck this month. Shakira Khan designs our website, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes are recorded live every month at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time. You know, I'm chewing into the mic, and honestly, I don't think if you heard the podcast,

you'd hear it. Yeah, I know. I think you definitely would. No, I think it's fine. I think anybody who edits our podcast, I don't know who they are, but... They're spicy! They're spicy!

So that's good, though, because Hugh now has to not only edit the sound of the chewing and the Skittles in the hand, but also people going, it's spicy! Every now and then. Out of the podcast every two to three minutes. Eden just screams sometimes.