Dragon Friends - #5.14. Wearing 'Oods with Tom Walker

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

With both leads and allies dwindling,The Dragon Friends are forced to head directly into the belly of the beast as the mysteries of the shadowy cult start to come to light, Blood is drawn, deceptions are made and puns are misunderstood in a meeting of old nemeses and slam poetry Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That's right. Alright. You ready? One, two, one, two, three. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No daring do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it through, that isn't the dragon way. Daily thwarts the enemies of the land Swarming a fort and killing for sport With never a thought for anything like a plan Like a plan We're the Dragon Friends Not because we have friends who are dragons Not because we're dragons who are friends

It's mainly because Dungeon Friends Has different overtones. We're the Dragon Friends. We're the Dragon Friends. Raw magics, mystical ley lines, conduits connecting places unknown. Such is the magic of those that deem to unstitch the world, creating spaces within spaces through which vast powers allow adventurers to travel hitherto to thitherthor. Words I just invented, but I'm going to go with the third take. The dragon friends have escaped Old Hill Sanatorium and traveled through a magical

portal with their new friend Table, a less ambulatory adventurer than he was five minutes ago, and are only now landing with a thump on another circle. Runes ceasing to glow already, Another circle, runes ceasing to glow already, two slightly wet legs, all that you can see in what is otherwise a small featureless stone room that you recognise as one of the cells underneath Daggerford Castle. It seems you are home again. There's also the body of a big dead pigeon. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

You land and the legs are the second most horrifying thing because the figure of chair slumps down, blood geysering from his neck as he dies. Also, sorry, I was out at the back dying. Did he put his head in the... He put his head out of the portal. Oh, yeah, you don't want to know that. Okay. Well, in his case, he did.

Sure, yeah. Oh, jealous. How does Table feel about that? Oh, he's like, oh, some people have all the luck. Hey! And he sticks his head just on the edge of the portal. No, no, no, because I've still got him. No, no, Table.

And also the magic doesn't seem to work. It seems to be a one-way trip here. This is an old portal that connected the sanatorium to the castle. It's not one that you knew about, so it's obviously older than your relationship with Brackenpile. Does that pigeon have any treasure or anything? Let me reassemble his character sheet. He had all the stuff he stole from the...

Yes, he had a whistle. He had prayer beads, a symbol of Ilmata. He had a nice whistle, yeah, you're right. He had an amulet, he had vestments, he had a staff, a water-skinned torch, tinderbox, 50 feet of rope, You know, the usual. And no, I'm afraid to say only the prayer beads. Are you robbing a corpse?

I'm a dragon friend, aren't I? It feels different when it's a fellow adventurer, though, doesn't it? Does it? Okay, are you happy to just let them rifle through us? Yeah. He won. Dave, can I hear our crazy captor guy, the painter? Is he down the hall?

Yeah, you can actually see a light. These are the cells underneath, and as you know, one of them has been turned into a little apartment for Tom Smedley. You can't hear anything, but the candle in his room burns, presumably, and you can see the light splashed out on the corridor. What time is it, by the way? What time is it, Dave? It is now getting later in the day.

You've spent a bit of time in the sanatorium, so we're getting close to evening. Okay. Smedley, it's me, the spooky lady, the spookers. I'm spooking you out. Tell me where the next place will be. Oogie boogie. What are you doing? Eden, why are your eyes closed?

What? I'm doing the thing. You know, he's always talking about them who are coming. I'm pretending to thing, you know. He's always talking about them who are coming. I'm pretending to be one of them. No sound comes from Smedley's room. Wake up! But you hear a discreet cough at the top of the stairs. Can I just say, can I make a stealth check?

Yeah. Cool, I rolled an 18 plus one and my hands are snaking towards the whistle. It's a sleight of hands check. But with 18 alright, opposed by you, Bobby.

I'm 19. Alright, so Bobby grabs Bobby. I'm 19. All right. So Bobby grabs your hand and it's quite easy because you're now only six feet tall. As you reach up. Yeah, it was all in the torso. Guys, we're going to need to chuck this fan out back. Bobby's had two foot of leg. You were eight feet tall and you lost two feet.

That's a quick baby. Have you met our games master, a joke book from the 1960s? Bobby, you slap his hand away at the last minute. I just push him over. You've won this round, but now to finish me off. I scoop him up again in my arms. Okay, so you're going to walk... Yes, Smedley. So we're going to Smedley's...

You walk into Smedley's room? Yeah. Alright, so you walk up the corridor and you head into Smedley's room. And the room, his meagre things are still there, his bed is there, there is a low shelf with a candle, if you remember it was all appointed by Pomplamoose, and his easels are all

empty and they have been smashed. And Smedley is gone. And most of the paintings are gone, but there is a smashed painting in the corner of the room. Is there a sign of the locks being broken? Has someone busted him out? Yes. As you look at the locks,

you can see that they've all been forced. We've been attacked. Pumple Moose! Pumple Moose! The cough that you heard at the stairs takes another two steps down and coughs a second time. Ahem.

And this one was to, by the way, clear my throat. Ahem. It wasn't to indicate that you were standing in the darkness and wanted some attention? Oh, no. Señor Bastón, that is not... Señor? Yeah. I speak many languages.

It's got code switching. Sometimes I just go between one and the other. Señor Bastón. Don Bastón. Got switching. Sometimes I just go between one and the other. Señor Baston. Don Baston. Say the thing you're thinking about saying. I could tell something flicked through your brain just then. Japanese Baston. Please, Baston.

Please, Baston Senpai. Smedley, our dinner guest, for that is what he was meant to be, is no longer with us. How did he get out? Some men in... Woods. What? Woods. What? In woods.

What? They were wearing woods. What? No, no. This is again the bed that you have made gleefully for yourself. Say it again. They were landing woods. What?

Over their faces. I can't understand a word you're saying, man. Bobby goes up and grabs him by the collar and pulls him down. It's a big rough, remember? A big rough. Pulls his big rough down. Says, now listen here. You were in charge.

This happened on your watch. I understand. We never make any mistakes or do anything bad. This is on you. This happened while I was sleeping and I came here and... You were sleeping? He wasn't actually sleeping.

This happened while he was returning with the carriage from the sanatorium. Okay, so I was sleeping in the carriage and I came home and I saw some people in ouds. What? Oods. Oods. He meant half head sack.

Oh, right, right, right. They took our guest. How do you know if you weren't here that they took him? Because I saw some Oud people living in the carriage. You can make an insight check if you want. Yeah, you know what? Two. I want to do an insight.

No, no, no, no. One person rolls. Three. Okay. Regardless of my two, you're suspect. Okay. You've had it in for us the moment we arrived here. You were the Duke and we came and we did Duke Duke. It was quite nice being the Duke, yes.

See, he doesn't deny it. He doesn't deny it. He doesn't deny it. What? Get in the cage. Take your shirt off. What? Get in the cage.

We want to see if you've got a symbol of the cult on your body or anything like that. Yeah, strip down. I'll do it too. Yeah, shirt swap. Shirt's off. Bastian starts taking his shirt off. I don't it too. Yeah, shirt swap. Bastard starts taking his shirt off. I don't want you to feel alone in this. I have put up with a lot from the dragon friends.

Yes, I was the duke, as you say, before you came, and I think I've been behaving pretty well. And as he says this, he's untying a cravat, and then there's tiny buttons he's undoing. There is a cult running wild in the Look, sorry. And you accuse me? You accuse me?

And with that, he opens wide his shirt, and you can see that his entirely pasty white, very hairless body is uncult-scarred. Pants. All right, well... Bastogne has already taken off his pants. Yep. Keep up. Do you know what?

Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? What? Do you know what? Me feel like you're stalling. I quit.

I quit this. I quit this whole thing. And he gathers up his shirt. You know what? He's trembling with outrage. He's just so well-bred and impeccably trained that he's not raising his hand. That's Dugald property. What?

All that stuff you took off. It's on the floor now. I brought this from home. Well, don't you live here? Yes. Well, what's your plan here? All right. He starts taking off all his clothes.

Yes, he takes off all his clothes. This is an embarrassment, obviously. I'm not thrilled with this. But it is less of an embarrassment than working for the... You should hear how they talk about you in the coffee houses. And he spits on the ground and he walks upstairs. Hey, you forgot your spit. Keep the change, you filthy animal.

And Pumpley Moose LaCroix has quit the employ. Hey, table, you want a nice well-paid job? Oh, I'll do anything if it gets want a nice, well-paid job? Oh, I'll do anything if it gets... It is not well-paid! Table, I guess, crawling? How do you walk? Are you walking on your hands? I think he walks perfectly on his hands. So they're

kind of long enough that he can put them under his torso and just... You cross your stumps. Yeah. Yeah, he walks like r2d2 but across rough ground oh like all right

you're 25 feet now and you only have two hands but otherwise that's fine great cool

sorry that was actually me clearing my throat I'm so sorry to do this but could somebody please get me a lot of water

so just people listening at home Ben who almost died choking on spittles in the previous episode, put an entire microphone in his mouth. What could go wrong? Now you can

investigate Smedley's room if you want to. Smedley's room, what's the painting of? So you pick up the pieces of the painting and you bring them into the camera. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebody has ripped up the painting? Most of the paintings are gone. One of the paintings has been trashed and has been thrown around the room. Ooh, puzzles.

So there's only about three or four pieces. It's pretty easy to put together. Okay, Dave. So I put the straight edges at the edges. That's how you do it. And then in the middle, you fill it in. But you've got to start with the edges. Okay, an hour later, Bastogne calls the others around

and you all crowd around the reassembled. And then very delicately, Bobby just takes two pieces and swaps them. And Bastogne's like, oh yeah, that makes a lot more sense. And you find yourselves looking. It is the painting of the fourth gate, the one that he had started working on. If you remember the stool with three figures standing around it and there was a kind of spear, he started to draw something on the stool.

And now you can see a man, his shirt ripped open, chained back, with back bent over the stool and three robed figures around him. One of them holding a hand and pulling what seems like eldritch energy and script words are spiraling out of the man's chest and head and into the man's hand.

And on the man's other hand is placed over a book being held by one of the other cultists as he transfers the energies we're in. How pasty is this man in the image? It's not pompomers. Okay, just checking. Do we recognise the man? Are there any features on this man? Yeah.

Why don't you make for me a perception check? I got a 19 before. Oh, you got a 19? Yeah. You recognise it's the figure of Thomas Smedley. Smedley? Smedley! They've got Smedley. Smedley? Smedley! They've got Smedley.

Our precious Smeddles! Right now they're going to be... You locked him up! Yeah, but you know, it's like Stockholm Syndrome, but when you like the victim. Yeah, it's like Stockholm Syndrome, but for winners. Yeah, it's like Stockholm Syndrome, but for winners. What about the background of the painting? Where does it look like it's happening, Dave?

That's an interesting question. There's no windows. The room is dark. It looks like it's underground somewhere. They're in a place right now, sucking Smedley's soul out and putting it in a book. Okay, guys. You can't better think of it.

Are there paints scattered around? Yep. Bobby's going to guzzle some paint. Oh, he's going to do it again. Okay, so you're going to take some of the paint that has before induced a glimmering-like trance for you? Yep. Okay, remember, last time you took it, something crawled back out.

If you remember. There are consequences to taking this. Crawled back out of what? Your mouth, I think it was. You vomited paint and it turned into a bodak. Okay, this is what we're going to do. We're going to lock up a cell so that when you puke, puke into the cell.

Okay. Yeah, correct. That makes sense. Perfect. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Cadmium yellow. Here I go. Okay, so you see a...

Yeah, you suddenly find yourself walking down an empty city street. It looks like Daggerford, but possibly also Waterdeep. Strange, familiar, yet utterly foreign. Everywhere around you is empty and you are by yourself. The moon is high in the sky and you get the sense that you find yourself standing in front of a giant facade of a cafe with a swinging in the breeze, a wooden signpost

that has a man standing in a dancer's pose naked, covered in tattoos. Okay. You walk through the doors into this cafe bar which is also empty and are drawn downstairs where you find yourself in a basement room with small figures in robes standing around in a circle

one of them taller than the others is um standing and commanding the the audience as he looks up and you realize again that is the herald and he my children, we are so close that where we have failed, we have triumphed. Where we have lost our way, we have found the truth. And the lady smiles on us once more. Behold, in a single night, two gates stand at the precipice of opening. And he stops for a second because he feels that wasn't cool, but no one says anything. And so he just keeps going.

No one does. Yeah. And he says, we have found the tome and his secrets will be revealed to us tonight. But beyond this miracle of miracles, I have another gift for you. For last night, the others have returned behold and a huge door opens and you get the sense of rows this time maybe 50 hooded figures

stretching out in a dark corridor each of them in small black peaked hoods and they all take a step forward and then suddenly your eyes bolt upright and you find yourself vomiting uncontrollably into the cell. As cadmium yellow goes everywhere. I just direct his head. I hold his head and I pull his hair back. Alright, you take another

nine points of damage, but you are still lucid. And also because you poisoned the poison. It's cleared your lungs and you are no longer poisoned. Oh. Bonus. What did you see? Spill. Have I not spilled enough?

The Illustrated Man. The Illustrated Man. They're meeting in the basement of the Illustrated Man. Oh, cool. Popple Moose! Popple Moose! I quit, you fuckwit. Why are you still here? Don't...

Why are you responding to us if you really quit? I force a habit and I am packing my bags. Well, get the carriage before you do that. No, I will not. I will not do this. I'll give you your pants back. What? I'll give you your pants back.

No. Please? All right, I will do it. All right, Pomplamoose. Pomplamoose comes downstairs and scoops his spit up. It is mine and it goes in my mouth. Pomplamoose has a very small, slim attaché case and a pair of pants, and he stands behind the carriages and he says,

well, I suppose this is it. Okay, see you when we get back. Bye! Maybe you will not... Miss you! Can we have eggs and bacon in the morning, please? No, you will not have eggs and bacon in the morning. How do you know you won't be here? Unless you make them.

Got you! Okay, bye! If you see me again, something's gone very wrong. All right, and you jump onto the carriage and you are whisked away to the bohemian part of the caravan quarter to a cafe by day, bar by night. Oh, bohemian. Famed spot, beloved of radicals, socialists and Toulouse-Lautrec

anarchists that is the Illustrated Man Cafe. Is there a racy windmill? Would it be a windmill but the body of the windmill is a lady and it's like she's doing the veil dance? It's not so much a burlesque place.

It's more like kind of a hotbed of socialist anarchist thought. It's a political cafe. In fact, for instance, there's a sign outside that tonight is a combination soapbox poetry slam. Everyone's wearing black berets. Yeah, there's some berets. You hear like, Red the blood of angry men.

Black the colour in this song. Like you hear that wafting out. Me never come here. The coffee terrible. The coffee is actually famously very good. The best coffee in Daggerford. How do we not know? It depends who you ask. Now, how are you dressed, all of you? The coffee is actually famously very good. The best coffee in Daggettford. How do we not know?

Now, how are you dressed, all of you? Because, as I said, this place has politics. I am not wearing pants. I am wearing a diaper fashioned from a pair of pants. I put my pants back on in the carriage. I'm mostly covered in cadmium yellow. I can't remember. I've just got regular

I've probably got a ducal cloak on or something. If you said like oh I think I might be dressed like a mermaid I'd be like yeah great. Dressed like a mermaid.

A sexy bumblebee maybe? Dave is the is the building free You've got to go shopping. Is the building freestanding? Or is it attached

like a terrace? No it's freestanding. So we could sneak around the back and see if there's any windows into the basement. Yeah, if you want to. I think you've found a great problem in your interpretation of basement. Have you never seen a spooky murder movie

where the people escape from the tiny little window that's at the top of the room? Because they're in a basement? Or the series Cheers, where you can see the... Wait, is that bar in a basement? Yeah. All right, are you all scouting? Are you all going to...

There is a bouncer in a kind of severe suit with a beret who is standing... Suit and beret is a strong look. And it's a turtleneck as well. Oh, take one thing off before you leave the house. Excuse me. You got, this is a lot. Excuse me.

Before you leave house, look in the mirror and take one thing off. Me suggest this. And she pulls the sword out of his thing or whatever weapon he has. Make a post dexterity check. He rolled a 12. I got a 18. Pilch draws his sword, which is a thin rapier, and it clatters and he suddenly looks at her.

You have a second to react before consequences. I plunge it into his old neck. Make an attack with advantage. Oh, boy. It's nice to be filled again. Wow, just straight up murder. I got a one and a

sixteen. Alright, well, you're lucky that a sixteen hits, so that's with advantage. With a rapier is D8 plus your strength. So D8. Into his throat. Surely that counts for something. D8 plus 7. The D8s are always the hardest dice to find.

The little diamond ones. They're the diamond boys. D8. I got a 7. Okay, a 7. Plus what? Plus 3 is 10. Double to 20.

So he's gasping, blood spurting out of his neck. He tries to call for help, but his voice is ruined. is 10, double to 20. So he's gasping, blood spurting out of his neck. He tries to call for help, but his voice is ruined. And with one hand, he's trying to grab, he starts scrabbling around in panic in his pockets. What you looking for, another look? Yeah, meet me. Hope there's not an eyeglass in there.

Hope there's not an ASOS shopping basket in there, loser. God, to die like that would be so bad. Way to die, the sartorialist. Eden, it's your go, but before you go, you hear a scream and you turn around and you see a woman in a black bonnet and also a

severe suit with her hand to her mouth and she just screams very, very loudly. She's about 10 feet away from you. Is she down the street? Yeah, there's about three people on the street and now they've all turned to look. And I'd be like, I pull out my badge. Do I have the Ducal coin? No, Bobby has it.

What do I have in my pocket that looks like a Ducal coin? You just asked for the coin. Somebody give me the coin real quick. I'll give you the coin. You can't remember who has the coin. Okay, I turn the coin and be like, Ducal business, nothing to see here. Make a persuasion check. Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh yeah! That's what she's saying. 19. 19. Plus persuasion, 21 derv. All right. He's just having a little nappy poo. He'll be up soon.

It's safer to believe it. And Filch says, take your neck medicine. Good boy. Oh, well, if that man has his neck medicine, well, that's pretty good by me. Okay. That's pretty good by me. Okay. That's her saying something else.

What did she say? She saw a shop with a pun that she didn't understand. What was it? What was the pun? What was the store? He keeps digging the hole deeper. It was a shoe shop. Yep. And it was shoe will die.

And she saw that and went, oh my God, does that mean I'll die? And she went that and went, oh my God, does that mean I'll die? And she went, ahhh! But most punters would say that. No, Shu will die. Oh, it's a Shu show. Nailed it. This game really needs a mechanic where you can take away a dice of inspiration. So, Dave.

She looks again. Hey, you want to join our adventure party? Simon, it's Bobby Pancakes. I'm just going to go in the door in the front. Well, you can't because the thug is still standing there. Wait, isn't he dead? No, he's not. He's holding his blood in.

His throat is ruined. Oh, he's holding his blood in. Then he'll be fine. He's grappling for something in his pocket. I'm just going to keep cutting his head off. Move along. I've finally made it like a little incision.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to put it in there and then just like move it to the side. Make an attack with advantage. This is just neck medicine. Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

It's an 18. 18, yep. Hits. Sneak attack. So plus 2d6. It's enough. You know what? Bobby walks over

and cuts his head off. Tom looks with a jealous stare. Oh, some people have all the luck. As the body falls to the ground in a heap, there is a bloodstain on the door, but otherwise it's a remarkably little mess. The fight was very quick. I'm going to go for what was in his pocket.

Sorry, I'm reaching for what was in his pocket. Inside his pocket you find another whistle. Ooh. And you can also, if you want, have his clothes and stuff if you want as well. Who would fit in the beret the most? I mean, stupid question. I put the beret on. I put the beret on.

Oh, he looks amazing. Does he have any credentials or anything that would tie him to the lamp? You look underneath and as you pull his shirt off, searching for stuff, you can see tattooed above his breast is a symbol of a lampwick knot. This guy was a baddie. I'm going to cut that patch of skin off him. Bobby Dexter over here.

I don't like that at all. You hear the woman's voice go, is this still official Duke business? Absolutely it is. Is this medicine that it is? Ah! And that's because she's just seen a fast food store that says you will fry.

I don't want to fry! My life is hell! I'm constantly starting my things! Watch this, I never wandered into the pun district! But I can't get out! There's a place that does a really good pad key now. Yeah? It's called Time to Tie.

And she goes, I don't know if that's threatening. Okay, you've made such quick work of this and now the street is empty. You have a moment to go in if you want, but there's a body... You're going to have to deal with the body I'm going to lean the body

sorry Alex just explained her pun to Ben off mic because she thought he didn't get it Ben it's you know the word tie it sounds like the word die, so that would be threatening. Sure.

So do the noise. Okay, go home. Go home, lady. Get out of here. Can I please have another bottle of vodka? Dave, I... What are you doing with the body? The body, I slump him against the wall and kind of cross his legs.

He has no head. Oh, yeah, yeah. Can I balance it on his... Yeah, make a sleight of hand. Okay, here we go. How good am I at balancing heads on bodies? 15. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Bastogne pulls out of a pocket a cocktail skewer and then puts... You never know when a trickle needs whistling. Balances the head on the stump, moves his hands away like he's Indiana Jones

and then he looks at everyone he's like yep we can go now and I kind of yeah no I wanted him to make make him look like he's pensively thinking like a beatnik would

you know okay we're gonna need a few more cocktail sticks perfect and the door swings open congratulations you have made your way inside the illustrated man. Awesome.

Which like honestly you could have just walked in. Are we a unity ticket on that? Yeah. But there was a bouncer. Yep. You didn't really talk to him. You've gone to bars before. Oh yeah.

I forgot. We're over 18. We're allowed to just walk into places. Yeah, like, listen back to the tapes, but I think he just said, like, how are you? Yeah, Hing, if you're listening, I hope you feel vindicated. Oh, boy. Oh, right.

Into the place we go, which we're allowed to do. Wait, this is a turning point. We can't blame it on Hing anymore. It's like Hing was inside us all along. Is he our Tyler Durden? He doesn't exist. Okay, you walk in. There is a small semicircular stage in the corner

where there is another figure in a black suit with a pencil-thin moustache who has just finished giving a speech. The last word is daddy-o and all of the crowd are clicking their fingers. I do clicks too. Right on, man! Everybody stops and looks at you all. Excuse me. I just wanted to say that I'm hip to your vibe.

Daddy-o. Adjust your crib. And I adjust my beret to a jauntier angle. The man in the pencil mustache goes, well, if you're so hip to her, why don't you get up and do a pull-up? Oh, don't you dare, man. You are... Why don't you get up and do a poem?

Oh, don't you dab, man. Well, sure. What are we all talking about? We're talking about the... He's a very short man. The patriarchy and the... We're talking about the... You know, that poem just now was about the Dukes of Daggerford.

Oh, yeah. I hate those guys. Yeah. They're the pits. Well, come on up then, hip cat. And he indicates. Oh, man. I'm dying inside right now.

Okay. All right. Clicks all around if you hate the Dukes of Daggerford. Why calls out one of them? Oh man, because they're real buttholes. Dukes, man. Makes me want to puke in my own hand, man. Makes me want to go to the park and feed the ducks.

Because they don't give no clucks, man. The crowd is starting to go wild. They're really wild. And to be fair, a crowd that's going wild sounds like this. You got to bring down the power if you you wanna take a shower, man. You gotta fight the dukes if you wanna eat some cukes in your gin. Cause you're feeling thin on cash, man. You ain't got no garnish to varnish the inside of your pockets.

Professor, we're the Jews. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we all are, if they'd only let us be. No, we're the actual dukes, remember? Well, I can't remember who the duke right now, but we share responsibility between the four of us. The crowd starts to hiss. Oh, you start hearing hisses.

Oh, hey, man. Spotlight hits Phil. Why not? Yeah, we're the Dukes. Is that for good? Yeah, anyway, sorry to bother your clicking competition. Good, cool, cool snakes voices everyone but we gotta go find the cult bye

okay whatever successes you had with the crowd and there was a moment when they would have followed you anywhere has been completely undercut by that but we have we have reached a certain equilibrium in the room as they sort of forget about the two of you and decide this is some kind of bizarre performance piece,

except for the figure, the daddy-o on the stage, who as you move to walk off the stage, places a small, tiny hand, gloved hand, on your belt, because he's very small. Yeah. Hey, I like your flow, man. Thanks, man. Dingo.

We have a little party backstage. Say what? We have a little party backstage. Say what? We have a little party backstage. Hey, man, I love to party. Well, you know, you can go backstage if you want. Here you go. All right, well, that sounds cool-y-o-ly-o. Why don't you go backstage with me right now? Okay.

Is it some kind of gangster's paradise back there? Are we talking? What are we going to? All right. While they're doing this, what are the three of you doing? Table is just tugging on shirts and be like, anyone kill me? Are you balancing on one hand while you do that? Yeah. shirts and be like, anyone kill me? Huh?

Are you balancing on one hand while you do that? Yeah. I take a second where I balance on one hand, I'm like, oh. And then when they either wave me away or think, hey, that guy's cool. I'm going to sneak, I think I'm going to try and go down the stairs to the basement. Okay, make a stealth check for me if you want.

If you're trying to sneak behind. It looks like you'd have to go behind the bar because this is all one big room. You need a 15. Okay, a 15. Bobby, you're joining? Yeah, I'll go with... I got a five. Is the table coming?

Do you want to roll as well? Yeah, absolutely, brother. That is an eight. A nine. Okay, so Filge slips away quickly while this guy is talking to Beston. Yes. And Bobby, you try to slip after her, but you are... Oh, wait, no.

I got 15. Oh, the two of you manage to get through, but as you, Table, try to get through, you're intercepted by a bartender who looks down at you and is like, can I help you? Yeah, you can let me through so I can die in undoubtedly a combat encounter. Look, man, we all want to die.

Oh, yeah, that's right. But this is for staff only. Oh, okay. Hey, man, Bastion talks. Hey, is it cool if my cool hepcat friend comes with me? He's got no legs, that's how much he hates the Dukes. Oh yeah man, if he hates the Dukes. That sounds interesting, but explain specifically how that follows.

Well, it was a kind of like a radical protest, man. He was like, bring down the patriarchy or I'll take my own legs off. But no one was around at the time. So he did. And then he had to wait for a while to be rescued. And then he did it again

and he had to wait some more time and now he's here, man. It turns out if you cut down a table and no one's around, nobody comes. All right, man. Well, your friend seems pretty cool. He can come back with us, but no one else.

All right. The two of you are allowed back. He pulls aside. And then before he goes up, he like, because the audience, like the pub's still there. He's like, hey, guys, we're going to take a little break right now. Maybe go to the bathroom. But when we come back, there's going to be a little break right now, maybe go to the bathroom, but when we come back, there's going to be a certain

scar band. I'm not going to say too much, but shmim shmalt back, perhaps. Anyway, see you soon. Alright, so the two of you wander through a velvet curtain into a dark room,

and as your eyes adjust to the light, we're going to quickly go to the other two. So, Bobby and Bilge, you sneak down into the wine cellar. This place mostly sells wine, and... That's not what a wine cellar means. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I was saying. That's not what I was saying. There's big barrels of wine along one side of the wall.

And you sneak into the cellar and he goes, ooh. But it seems to be just a normal wine cellar. And it's currently empty. There's also some salted meats hanging from hooks in the corner. In the wine cellar? Yeah. Hmm. I'm going to do an investigation check.

That's a 10. You got plus 16. 16. Alright, you do a quick investigation, Bobby, and knocking on the barrels, you discover one doesn't slosh and seems to be empty.

Ooh. I open the lid. So they're barrels. They don't have a lid. Are they on their sides? You got to pop the cork? They're on their side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Well, I roll it out of the way. Okay. So very carefully, you try to push at it, and the front half of the barrel comes open on a hinge, and you can see that it's a tube leading through the stonework. Is it big enough for a field to fit through? Yes, but it will be squeezed.

Quite easy for you to get through. Okay. I'm going to put my fingers to my lips like a quiet signal, and go in. Scurry in? Okay, Bobby scurries in, and you can soon find yourself in a complex, a much bigger rabbit warren of tunnels that seem familiar to you from your dreams, and you can, you soon find yourself in a complex, a much bigger rabbit warren of tunnels that you, that seem familiar to you from your dreams

and you realise that you know the way to the large ante room that you saw before. I, I do, I go. It's bigger as well for Filch on the other side. Okay. I, I go there. I do it. I follow.

Okay. Filch, Filch comes in and the two of you scurry down and you find yourselves looking over a big room. There's a semicircular balcony and there's a bigger space underneath it and there are figures thronging around underneath, all of them in little hoods

and standing on a dais in the centre of it is what looks like in the painting a wooden stool but you realise it's kind of more like a rack and chained against it is the figure, unmistakable figure, of Thomas Smedley, about 20 feet below you, 15 feet below you. No one's spotted you yet, but it feels like in only moments

somebody is going to look up and see you there. And you can hear kind of like, we take the knowledge from the tome, we take the knowledge from the tome, We take the knowledge from the tome. We take the knowledge from the tome. We take the knowledge from the tome. Et cetera. And now we're going to cut to the other room,

where as the beatnik walks you in, his face shimmers as his disguise self spell fails, and as he walks through it, revealing the figure of, I guess, a mop-top gnome, as he walks you into a party where there are several other gnomes. The strards gnomes, the gnomes that lurked beneath Castle Ravenloft.

Although these ones are not as subservient as the ones that used to serve you. Yeah, welcome to the party. Wow, you look different in this lighting. Yes, well, some of us choose to look different sometimes. This is your, uh, this is a pretty good night. You've been running it for a while? No, that's not what we, what?

How do you get up? Do you need to send tape, or can you just get up based on accolades? I don't know. I've been here a week. It's not... Wow, you've been here a day, in fact. Yeah, it's not very... I don't...

Do you start with five and then work your way up? I don't know. Or how much do you pay the headliner versus the emcee? Do you want a spot? Oh, well, I don't want to go out there, but if you have one free...

Well, we're just sort of, like, trying to bring about the end of the world, and if you... Right, but there's room in there for some light observational stuff. I mean,

how many people can you bring? Well, I've got ten friends, but none of them drink. Okay, well... Now, remember, Ben, these guys don't know if these people are cultists yet. All that they believe is that these are good anti-establishment

types. Sure. You mentioned something about ending the world. I've got some really tight material that's like, oh, really mean about establishments. I assume

that by coming here, you are interested in joining the others. Extremely, obviously. Yeah, yes. Okay. It's so hard to listen to. I know, it's really upsetting. It sucks so much.

I had to do this for a year, Tom. And you could have stopped it. You didn't need to make the choice. But I made it. But I made it, Tom. Yeah, Tom, it sucks. It fucking sucks. We can talk about how awful it is.

Yeah, we want to join. You want to join, Table? Yeah, sure. I don't know how sincere you are. But you seem cool, he says in that awful voice. No, but do it more, Dave. Commit more to it. It's fun.

You just blow the cheeks out. I don't think I can. I'll give it a go, but I'm trying this. I have not tried this privately, so I might discover as I make the sounds that I can't in fact do it, all right? Okay. But let's give it a go, all right.

No? No? All right. But joining our order takes sacrifice. But joining our order takes sacrifice. I mean, look. And he points over and he said to a tattooist who was sitting in the corner and there's a lounge and he's just finished tattooing. And that tattooist sounds a lot like Snagglepuss.

Who Dave will now voice. A lamp wick knot. This gnome is just being finished having a lamp wick knot tattooed above his breast. And he's finished and he gets up. And your new host says, please, if you were interested, take a seat. Table, after you. Alright. And I dash into the seat and position my face so the tattoo needle is just above my eye.

It's being operated by a person, though. Press, press. All right, he moves the tattoo gun to your breast. I gently move it up. He looks to the host for guidance. Well, let's compromise. Do it on his forehead.

Okay. He has a lamp work on his forehead. Ah, cool. Well, he tattoos him. You have a second one to talk. I'd like to, so is there some kind of like initiation ceremony I get to go to after I get the cat tattoo? Well, I assume you were one of the faithful already.

Yeah. Have you seen the dreams? Oh, yeah. So hot right now. Excuse me? The dreams. Hot? Yeah, a lot of flames in them, you know.

Well, I'm not familiar. Oh, well, you probably haven't seen that one. You're probably not a level seven. Make a deception check. Oh, motherfucker. All right. 17, 17. Level seven?

I thought there was just the others. No, there's others. I am pretty good, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've got a tattoo, but it's already invisible. Well, if you're level seven, we should take you to the Dark Lord. Or let's do it! Put in a good word for me, because I want to be at least a level two. Hey, be cool, man, all right?

Fucking chill out. Well, you know, of course. It's pathetic when you beg. Dark Lord isn't here. He's not stored here. Oh, where is he then? I mean, obviously I know, but if all you want to... Only the Herald knows. Oh, is the Herald downstairs? I want to chat to him. Oh, where is it then? I mean, obviously I know, but... Only the Herald knows.

Oh, is the Herald downstairs? I want to chat to him. The Herald is not in. Oh, he's everywhere, right? No, he's literally not in. Wait, oh. The Herald is coming, but he is not here yet. Oh, like when will he be here?

Soon. Because I've got some other spots around town I need to hit. I'm confused. Are you a high-level cultist, or are you still committing to the bit about being a stand-up comic? Yeah, I'm committed to both. I'm committed to both. Can't a man be both? That is amazing to me that you can

do both. You kind of have two hobbies, and you wait until one of them kicks off to be the career. Okay, you missed all of this. You finished getting a tattoo of the Lampwick Knot table on your forehead and expecting that Baston needs one too to join the cult, you discover that he's just talked the guy into letting you both in anyway.

Well, fair enough. So are we going to hit up the ritual or what? It's downstairs. He passes you both a blood red glass of wine and he's like, follow me. Okay, cool. No, don't, follow me. Okay, cool. No, don't do that anymore. Okay, we're done with that? Alright, cool.

Now, meanwhile. Okay. From what Bobby knows, Yes. we've had the information that Von Zarovich is involved in this. Yes. I think seeing all the gnomes

triggers something in Bobby and he sort of really puts two and two together, and it's like, okay. And he casts Disguise Self as Count Von Zarovich. Ooh. Damn. No one's seen you yet. Okay, so great.

You're going to use the Disguise Self spell? Yep. All right. Oh, goodness. This is a hero gambit. So you disguise yourself as that Barovian Lord of Darkness, Strahd, as they chant. What were they chanting?

Then? Others? Anyway. They were all like. Some cold bullshit. They were like. Take the thing, put it in the book. Yeah, the book.

We learned from the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. Yeah, the book. We learned from the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. Take the thing, put it in the book. That's all fantasy. Now, I want to point out, this may not be an issue in the low-light, forced perspective of being up high, but Disguise Help can only give you an extra foot, and Zarevich was substantially taller than you, Bobby.

Can he sit on my shoulders or stand on my back you can sort of lift him up over the balcony yes but if you go downstairs how long is my cloak and are there curtains around are you asking to do a fucking

are you asking Simon Greiner to do a kid sneaking into a film? Long trench coat. I said there were curtains on all the doors. So yeah, there are long black curtains. You hop up onto Filch's shoulders, make Filch seem one foot shorter to get the size right, and then you swaddle her in curtains, and then you turn into a Dracula.

No one has seen you yet. I yell out, Oi, cunts! He is risen! He has risen too early, though. Why has he risen? And as all of the mop-top gnomes, the others, as they called themselves, turn, they all steal...

They set their steely gazes on you as hundreds of gnomes watch you. And at that moment, for a reason that makes no sense to you at all, a mouth manifests on your torso. Hey! Save some for me! I'm hungry too! To find out how Bobby Pancakes dies, cheer it in to the next episode of Dragon Friends.

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments by Tom Cardy. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker with an additional cut-in at the end there by Guy Montgomery. Shakira Khan

designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and new episodes are recorded live each month at Giant Dwarf Theatre

in Sydney. Until next time.