Dragon Friends - #5.15. He is Diminished with Tom Walker

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

Trapped in the belly of the beast, the Dragon Friends are forced further down into the darkness of Old Daggerford. The cult's goal draws ever nearer as friends are reunited and lost in this climactic penultimate episode of Dragon Friends. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yeah, your character is the first character that we've ever had to put a content warning on our podcast, so congratulations for that. I'm so sorry that all that cum got through scot-free. We happy crew, we joyfully join the fray. No daring do, we wouldn't pursue, but thinking it through, that isn't the dragon way. It has been 1,000 years since the ill-fated wedding of Sergei Vanzarevich and Petrina Koyana, a marriage of true love and political expediency that would have secured a peace for generations amongst the nascent republics of the Sword Coast. What happened instead is remembered in infamy. Petrina's death changed Strahd and in a fit of self-loathing and fury he unstitched her city of Carcosa from the

world and in doing so flung Petrina's soul far from his reach, an act for which he will never forgive himself. Now scholars say that every hundred years, on the dawn of the Great Convergence, shadowy forces have worked to bring Carcosa back. Certainly, the Convergence has coincided with the rise of many cults, most recently a group who call themselves the followers of the Lampwick. Now, seven gates hold Carcosa from the world, and one by one, the cult has overcome them Despite the, let's say, inconsistent efforts

Of a group of adventurers known as the Dragon Friends Most of those gates lie open Strahd, thought long dead, has never been this close We stand in the shadow of a new age of darkness. Meanwhile, deep under the cult's headquarters, the halfling rogue Bobby Pancakes adjusts his weight on the shoulders of his half-orc friend, a velvet curtain wrapped around his shoulders,

impersonating a vampire count on a balcony to a throng of his followers is a risky play. It has to work. Bobby calls out for attention in the custom traditional to this specific vampire count. Oi, cunts. account. Oi, cunts. The room falls silent as the cultists as one look up at Bobby and his shabby disguise. They seem to be buying it. In the stillness, Bobby, you see one gnome pull an apple out of his sleeve and without breaking eye contact, takes a single bite. And at that moment, a giant mouth materializes in your stomach and a loud Guy Montgomery-esque

voice proclaims, hey, save some for me, I'm hungry too. There is a delicate pause. What's funny about this is I had a whole month to think of something to say. Listen up, ball bags. I have known darkness. I have known darkness. I have known emptiness. And that emptiness has borne in me a hunger so great that a fucking mouth appeared on my tummy.

And it wants to devour. It wants to take this world and swallow it whole. Okay, make for me a deception check. You need a 12. That's a hot five, Dave. Oh wait, deception.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Uh-oh. Nine plus five. Fourteen. Oh my goodness, okay One There is a moment of indecision And one of the More prescient mop top gnomes

By the name of Tuck Tuck Speaks up for the group Well just hold on a second This is what I sound like. Well, just... If this is the Dark Lord, and if it is, I... First of all, um... Lovely to see you.

I hadn't really thought I'd come face to face... But, um... Look, I have some questions if this is truly the Dark Lord. You question me, and well you may. Mm-hmm. I have arrived early. Yes, yeah, that's my first thing I was going to say. Because of the misdealings of your herald.

Unable to open all of the gates, he offered me his eyes. able to open all of the gates. He offered me his eyes. It seems that particular ingredient creates a situation where I am birthed early, much like a woman with child who eats a hot pepper and then goes into labour. That's happened to me. Space laboured me out. Poof, here I am with a fucking big mouth on my tummy. Look, I'm hungry. I know that. I told you. But it's not ideal. But is that in lieu of the blood of the arch-rival?

Yes, yes, you hear some muttering. The blood of the arch-rival. Strahd would not come back to life without the blood of the arch-rival. I don't know. Look, guys, Strahd would not come back to life without the blood of the archrival. Anyway, we're actually clear on that point. Look, guys, I'm loathed. It feels like you're about to say, take a knee.

I'm loath to admit this, but I didn't come back as I would have wished. And Bobby sort of just jumps down off Filger's shoulders and stands on the railing. Look at me! I'm short. Make another deception check. Sneaky rogue. That's a 15 plus 9, so 21.

He cannot be defeated. He is diminished. He is diminished. He is diminished. Shut up diminished. He is diminished. Shut up! I just need some of that blood, and then... All things pointing to going equal is my legs will just grow that extra bit, and I'll be back to my former self.

And if you guys say a fucking word... You seek the blood of the arch-rival? The blood. You want the... But we all seek the blood of the arch-rival. the arch rival? But we all seek the blood of the arch rival. Yeah, but I get first dibs. We seek it for you,

oh dark lord. Yeah, no shit. Get cracking. At this moment, I will say, unbeknownst, because all of the attention is on this mezzanine level

where a diminished strata is standing on a balcony in front of filled, and motionless under a black velvet curtain yeah is she is the curtain still wrapped around you look like a like an anti-ghost i just take a few slow steps to the side and because everyone's attention is up to the top, nobody sees now as the bartender of the decorated man ushers in two more figures.

Baston Andrirovich, disguised as a member of the cult, and the newly tattooed table walking on the palms of his hands because he cut his legs off. Yes, my arms are very long and I'm walking along in them quite nicely, thank you. Did you arrive here too early too?

No one notices them. They walk quietly into the room and they're on the ground floor. Otherwise the ground floor is just full of these gnomes looking upright and in the centre of the room is an altar with the figure of your friend Thomas Smedley chained against it and standing. This gnome you've been talking to, Tuk-Tuk, who was holding in his hands a rune-covered book.

Tuk-Tuk says, well, Dark Lord, the Tome of Lost Truth is prepared. And I fail to understand. You told us that you... We were told by your herald that you would lie in repose

in the arms of your love in the soil that confined her bones. I'm really sorry. I don't want to sound all middle-man-ergy, but it seemed like there was kind of a process. Yeah, well, I think I've made it pretty clear that this herald... We had until dawn to find the blood of the arch-rival, and then we would bring it to you to bring you back to life. But that's already kind of happened, I guess. So are we like, is this a half day?

What's the situation? Because I've just got to talk to Jenny from HR. Well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm pinning this all on the Herald. He made some poor decisions. Honestly, I would think very seriously about a demotion for him. You wish to demote the herald? Yeah, I wish to fucking kick him in the balls. Oh, my God.

And there's a lot of you kicking me in the balls. Dave, who's got the book? Tuck Tuck is holding the book. And he's just standing there? Yep, he's standing there. Is he gesticulating wildly with it? Is he holding it around or is he tucked in? He's kind of gesticulating wildly with it? Like, is he holding it around, or is he chucked in? You know, he's kind of gesticulating with it.

He's about 15 feet away from you, but there are many gnomes between you and him. And he's standing next to the figure of Thomas Smedley. And Tuk-Tuk looks at you and he says, If you are the Dark Lord, then perform the miracle of the thousand bats. And then we will take the herald and we will rend him limb from sodden limb. Or as you say, kick him in the balls.

Dave, I want to try and sneak over towards Thomas Smedley to try and unchain him. DC 16. 1-1-1-1 1-1-1-1 Make a stealth check for me. Thomas Smedley to try and unchain him. DC 16. One, one, one, one. One, one, one, one. It's a big one, one, one, one, one, one. Baston sneaks forward and he starts to make his way through the gnomes

and then suddenly one of them looks and they says, A human! And they all stop and part and they look at baston who is dressed and i say or am i and then like like you hear like a hundred voices at one go yeah can we try that one two three it's exactly it's exactly what it sounds like. I think I just shat myself. Who knew that that was the brown note?

That was the brown note. Well, well, uh... I am the herald. Returned. Yes, I gave my eyes. These are glass ones. Kick his nuts. Kick his nuts.

What? Kick his nuts. Kick his nuts. Kick his nuts. Not my balls. And then Phil flings the curtain off and goes, I am the hero! They're growing very, very restless now.

The gnomes are starting to mutter. Tuck Tuck is losing the room. You have about six seconds. How far away from the top of the balcony to Smedley is... Smedley is just like... He's 15 feet down and about 10 feet across from where you are. And now he's only about five feet from where you are because you walked right forward.

Smedley and Tuck Tuck, who's only about five feet from where you are because you walked right forward. Smedley and Tuck Tuck, who's still holding the book. Have you ever... Can you kick a chain to break it? No. I mean, I can't. You don't think that'll work? Okay, I've got an idea. Bobby's going to grab the curtain, the edge of the curtain.

The curtain that Phil's just wearing? Yeah, which is just behind him. I flung it off to reveal myself as the hero. And I'm going to leap from the edge of the balcony as far across, covering all those gnomes, or as many as I can. About four. Well, no, how big is it? You said it was like big curtains for a big theatre.

I assume they're at least that big. How many gnomes do you think you could... They're gnomes! But you're very small as well! Yeah, but I'm travelling a distance across. Make an acrobatics check for me. Make a trigonometry check. I was going to say, I'm so sick of all the trigonometry in this show.

DC 15. That's a 16 already, so that does it. Alright, so Bobby immediately seizes the moment. Simon's rolling hot! Bobby seizes the moment of indecision and does a flip. And I yell, bats! as he grabs the curtain and he rides it down into the gnomes. No, I'm not running it down.

I'm leaping across, so it drapes across. A la Batman. There's no balcony on the other side. No, I'm jumping down to the stage as far as I can. Yeah, so you're going to land next to Smedley? Yeah, man. Yeah, and as you do, you land next to Smedley and half of the gnomes are suddenly enveloped

in these old black filge-smelling curtains. I'm going to try and get Smedley out of his chains. This is a surprise to everyone, so you can have advantage. What are you doing? I'm going to try and pull him out of his chains. Make a strength check. Is there a thing? Yeah, I'm going to break...

Why don't you try and get the book and I'll go to the chains. Are you good at chains? Yeah, dude, I'm all fucking... I'm kicking the dude with the book in the face. Make an opposed. Eat shoe, fool. 15. 15.

All right. So Bastogne immediately, as the curtain comes down, goes and kicks Tuck Tuck solidly in the face. Oh, my face. And the book goes wild, sprawling onto the floor of the room. Or does it go onto the big curtain on the side? Don't try your luck. Can I take a move?

Yep, you're still up on the balcony. Can I jump down? I'm going to try and get the book. Make an acrobatics check as well. I got an actual 20, David. Yay! till 20, David. David. Filch executes a flip and a half

before landing on the altar and catching the book as it drops before looking to... If she does a flip and a half, does she land on her face? No, no, no, no, no. She lands perfectly on top of her head. Perfectly daintily on her nose. On her forehead.

And then sort of turns it into a headstand, flips it into a b-boy stance, and then lands on her ground. Meanwhile, that is everybody in the room except for Table. What is Table doing? Oh, Table is a bit slow, so he's like, I'm also the Herald. Table would just like to take this moment to say,

wow, an incredible jump of 18.02775 metres. I think it was feet, Tom. Was it feet? It was feet, Tom. Is that a trigonometry joke? Oh, my God, they've been doing trigonometry. Pythagoras Brothers! I used Pythagoras' theorem on your facts about how far away the...

God bless you. Don't, don't you... You can play Thagoras' theorem on your facts about how far away the... God bless you. Don't, don't you... Can I tell you... Respect yourselves. Thomas. Stop it. Don't share that. I'm one of you.

Thomas Walker, I am granting you an inspiration token. Pretend I have it. You get a re-roll on one dice today. Okay, cool. Can I just tell you that those two were sitting next to me and they were giggling their little heads off. They were like, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. And I was like, oh, what are they doing?

And it was trigonometry. To be clear, the reason we were laughing is because Heng saw me write something down, pause, then write down 15 times 15, do 5 times 5 is 25, and then just stop, clearly out of my depth. And he then leant over and said, 15 times 15 is 225. And Tuck Tuck calls out, guards, guards,! Fetch the mouthers! Fetch the thugs! Something is afoot! Guards!

Bobby rolls a 17 to unlock the chain For thieves tools? My whole turn was doing maths Yeah So the way that it works in D&D Is you can perform an attack or you can perform a skill check such as an intelligence check, which you have chosen to perform.

In real life. That is your entire turn. Gotcha. Okay, cool. Thank you. Now you rolled a 17. Now you were trying to do this under speed. This will break your thieves tools if you try to do this in combat situation.

Sure. Okay. With a snap and a click and a busted torque wrench, Bobby is able to click the handcuffs open and Thomas Smedley slumps to the ground as Tuk Tuk calls for guards. And you can see guards appearing at the far doors. There is still the door that Baston and...

Table. Table came through. I'm going to pick up Thomas Smedley and then everything goes into slow motion, and my hero by the Foo Fighters starts to play. And there's like a light rain, and there's like big floodlights, and there's light from the floodlights coming through,

and it's like... Is this a class ability, or more like of a racial? I think it's very much a white guy ability. I think it's very much a white guy ability. Okay, you grab the figure of Thomas Medley, Tortured Artist. You throw him over your shoulder as you start to fight your way out the door. Now, these are deep gnomes. They're not combatants, and you were able to push them aside. I need everyone trying to make to this door to make for me an athletics or acrobatics check and beat 12.

Natural 20. Beat it. Oh, yeah. Can I use athletics? Yes. 11. Not good. That's adjusted.

Adjusted, Dave. Okay, so you have to choose. You'll either take 2d6 hit points of damage as the gnomes tear at you or you will drop Smedley. Just walk over the curtain. They won't be able to get you. Yeah, no, I'll take the damage and be like,

does everybody see how much I'm struggling? All Yeah, no, I'll take the damage and be like Ugh! Does everybody see how much I'm struggling? Alright, you take seven hit points of damage. This is fucking heroic! You take seven hit points of damage. Now, meanwhile, Tuck Tuck is backing away with the book in his hands. As you can see now, huge, thuggish,

Didn't I get the book? Yeah, she wrote it in that tweet. Sorry, you're right. So he's walking backwards as you can see big bouncer-esque thuggish members of the cult, huge humans that almost look like they have troll or ogre blood in them, start to burst through the far doors as Tuk Tuk disappears into the crowd and you all race through the doors, leaving them open behind you. Hmm. Somebody close the doors!

Can I try and close the door behind me? You can, yeah. Alright, so you close the door. Is there anything to barricade? Wait. Use me. No, table, you can't. No.

You'd surely die. This is what table is meant for. Someone push me up against this door. Okay. At this point, I will point out that next to table is like a standard, standard like barricade. Yeah, a table. So have you got two arms left?

Yes. So Filch picks him up and she kisses him on the forehead and she says, you shall die a great warrior's death. And then she threads like one of each arm through the handles of the door. This is how it always had to be.

And I flex my biceps, closing the door behind me, activating my delts. There is a thump and table grunts as the door is slammed by an ogre on the other side. Flexes the lats, so I'll make a strength check. That is an eight plus three.

You have dice of inspiration. Oh, yeah, I'll take a re-roll on that. Flex those lats, Tom. That is a 15 plus six. 21 on my latch. 21 means that you will survive for four turns before the door will be opened. Cool. I really think we're downplaying what's being opened when the door gets opened.

And as you back quickly down the empty... As you back quickly down the corridor, all you can see is the figure of a fully contorted and flexed table hovering slightly off the floor as he maintains unnecessary eye contact. My last words. Quit looking at me. This is embarrassing.

And you turn a corner never again to see the hero that they call Table, give me your character sheet. I hope it didn't take you too long to get here today. We cut to Table in slow motion. He yells out with perfect clarity,

hold the door closed, hold the door. Can we get a flash into Valhalla to see him? Later in the show, we will. For now, I will sit here quietly. Because you race around the door to find that the doors back up into the main floor of the decorated man are locked, but there is a door ajar to the side that leads deeper. So you can already see a stairway leading deeper into the sub-basement area underneath the illustrated man.

Well, a door's a door. We could try and just bust through the door. You can. Your lockpicks are broken, don't forget. To back outside. Do we have a carriage? Do we come in our carriage? Yeah.

You can... Yes, remember, LaCroix summoned you a final carriage as a final gift to you after you fired him. No, he still works for us. Okay. Agree to disagree. Don't we... We need to stay here and we need to finish closing the gates.

Shall we go through this door that Dave has told us is open? It feels like a trap. All right. Well, you go first then. Hey. There is a thump and a heroic stoic scream.

Let's barricade ourselves inside with an actual... Ow! With an actual table. Okay, let's go. And then you hear the other half of his face go, Ow! Alright, let's do it.

Let's go. Let's run. Okay, you race downstairs and you head into another room, which seems for the basement, it seems larger than you would expect. The footprint of the basement's bigger than that of the store, but you bust into another room, which seems, for the basement, it seems larger than you would expect. The footprint of the basement's bigger than that of the store, but you bust into another room, which you can see is full of couches and, like, low lounges, and the air is heavy with scented smoke. There are hookahs around the room. Is that how you pronounce it? Oh, no.

Hookahs! No, I won't date hookers. That's like a hubbly bubbly. Yeah yeah yeah. Hooker. Hooker. There are hookers. Around. I believe we call them pipe workers. With figures in cultist robes slumped around them and then

at the back on one of the lounges you see a figure that you recognise as the supine form of one Lion Shield banknote. Which he says into his hookah and then coughs. What the fuck, banknote? You been getting

high this whole time? No, it's fine for you. I read a study, it's fine. Unless you take the one with the marijuana in it. It's basically, the pods are fine, man. Kids love it. What have you been doing this whole time? I got, um,

I was blasted away, and then I was in hospital for a bit, and my insurance sort of ran out. It was pinged. But we're fine now. I'm here. I've been smoking a lot of opium. Why? What are you guys meant to do? Because I actually wanted you to be in hospital.

But this was a compromise of sorts. Yeah. Well, Dave called me and said, hey, when we find you, you're going to be in a hospital. And I said... At the sanatorium. Yeah. And I said... Well, this was about an hour ago.

I said to Dave, bank notes, don't do hospitals, Dave. And I hung up the phone. Yeah. And then when I got here, he said, as a compromise, you can be on a hospital. Lying on the couch. Yeah, well, he said you can be on a hospital bed in The Illustrated Man. So I said, I'll do that. So, yeah, I'm still on a hospital bed.

Smoky Ahooka. And is it opium? Mine is. What's yours? Yours is, I think, Cherry Bomb Blast. But he's like trying to be cool. He's like, I'm so high right now. Got the munchies?

Are there other exits from this room? Yeah, you can see other doors leading further. More stairs leading down again. Spooky. And there are, as I said, three or four figures almost passed out of cultists. It seems that the cult used this room to try to experience the glimmering dream.

Oh, as kind of like a chill-out. Did you say the cultists are wearing robes? Yep. Can I take a robe off one of the cultists and put it onto myself? Yeah, there's about four cultists. Are the cultists commoners? How many hit points? Oh, and there's four of them, as I said.

There's two half-elves, there is a half-orc, and there's a gnome, one of the dignos. And they're all talking, but they're quiet out of it, and one of them's like, so I hear if you really see the glimmering, you get to get to something called level seven, which I just... Everybody's talking about this level seven.

I'd never heard of level seven before, but I didn't even know there were levels, but I guess if we just really try hard, we can do it. If you want to get this level seven. I'd never heard of level seven before, but I didn't even know there were levels. But I guess if we just really try hard, we can do it. If you want to get to level seven, you've got to give your clothes away. That's the test. Really? Sure thing. We're level eights.

Level eights? Yeah, we're level eights. Make a deception check with advantage Because they are technically poisoned Oh a one and a five A one and a five I don't believe we'll be giving you our clothes Then we would be Well I don't believe you'll be getting to level eight then

Okay You hear another grunt And a scream down the corridor Upstairs You hear another grunt and a scream down the corridor upstairs. Oh! Ooh! Ah! And it seems...

Thanks for sticking around, Tom. It's just an honour to add to the VO reel. Table is, yeah, close to death, and then soon there will be cultists pouring down this corridor. We gotta go. Yeah, let's hustle. Come on. Let's go.

Come on, banknote. You druggie, degenerate, lowlife. What? Come on. And Filch will kind of help him up and hustle out with him. Filch grabs banknote as you walk through the next door, which has one of those little, it's the wood bit frame. Do you mean a wooden table? No, you get the wooden thing and you put it down. Oh, it's the wood bit. Frame? No, you know. Do you mean a wooden table?

No, you get the wooden thing and you put it down. Oh, it's got a bar. It has a bar. It's a bar. Yeah, a wooden table. Yeah, thank you. A table to use the common parlance. And you bar it just at that moment as the arm of table is ripped from the body of table,

which is still connected to the arm of table. The stronger arm, it turned out. Can I, because my vision of this, if that's all right with you. And he had a vision, Dave. Yeah, is for the doors to bang open and for me to be perfectly split in two and for each half to be left. Is that the weakest part of you was the centre? Well, yes, because it has neither the strength of will of the right

or the freewheeling craziness of the left. The centre cannot hold. You've heard that. Lincoln said that. It's about this very specific situation. Yeah, and when my centre cannot hold, I split directly down the middle. And for that split second, which side of the brain handles logic? The left.

Okay, the left side of my brain is worried that the thing I've always believed is not in fact true. And the right side of my brain is really enjoying the patterns on the wall. Meanwhile, in a very specific Valhalla What do you see in Valhalla? I pop in Whoa! I look down and my legs are still there And I quickly take an axe, chop them off

The first thing the table is going to do Is get to second Valhalla by dying in battle here And we'll leave him there Thank you very much Tom Walker do is get to second Valhalla by dying in Basilica. And we'll leave him there. Thank you very much, Tom Walker. Now, Bobby, because you were leading, I need you to very quickly make an investigation check for me. Tom, I can't help but notice you're

still on stage. Oh, everyone said I could stay, so I'm just going to be on my phone. That's a 12. I didn't bring my headphones, so I'm just going to play old episodes out loud. If I've got to listen to this, you've got to listen to this. Put your phone away. Racing through the corridors under the illustrated man,

it seems, as I said, impossibly large for the footprint of the building, and you start to realise that these basements are merging with the sewers of Daggerford and what seems to be older architecture as well, an old city underneath this city. You can see an old street of which now there is a sort of lazy, effluent sewerage river flowing through. And, yeah, it's all quite gross.

But following along the side of it you try to seek the freshest air that you can to try and make your way as you can hear banging on the doors behind you and you soon find a doorway that looks open

and you can smell fresh air beyond it but you also think you can hear voices and smell cookies? No you can smell fresh air beyond it, but you also think you can hear voices. And smell cookies? No. You can't smell cookies? Yeah. No. They say always, when you're trying to sell a house,

always bake cookies, put cookies in the oven. And, Bobby, you put your hand up as everybody is silent behind you. Seems unlikely, but yes. No, actually, Gaston's talking about cookies. He'll be like, does it smell? Like, it smells like cookies. Is anyone else smelling cookies? Am I having a stroke?

So you hear voices And you smell fresh air beyond Okay guys We're gonna go out this door And we're just gonna blend in straight away Everyone got it? Yes How are you all dressed again?

Remind me Hospital bed You brought the hospital bed with you? They're worth so much money Dave What do you mean? There was always a shortage of beds You're going to waste a bed? Yeah I think I tried to get him out of the bed

And he was like no, no And he clinged on so I just had to wheel the bed I think that's what happened Okay so you're dressed in a hospital bed Yeah Okay let's put You're in the hospital bed. You stay there.

We'll put the Comatose Painter under the covers. We're going to wheel it out. We're going to pretend to be doctors, everybody. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah, like in an ER. ER.

Okay, here we go. One, two, three. I need 50 cc's of pentothentanol. Stop. And very loudly, the four of you walk into what can only be described as a fantasy stables. Cool. There are a couple of horses tied up.

There is a couple of crates in the corner stamped with a sigil. You recognise the crest of Barovia. And there are two stable hands, big burly boys who are, one of them is like pitchforking straw and the other one has a pair of tongs and a stake and is standing next to the crate

and they both stop and look at the loud, anachronistic audiovisual experience that walks through the door. You boys, go and boil some towels. This man's about to give birth. What kind of check is that, David? That's a deception check. No. Do you know what?

You're being assisted with your plus nine deception by Filge and Friso and Bastogne. So I'm going to... Back note. I'm backknot. So I'm going to say that you need to do this with disadvantage. And it's DC 18. Whoa.

Whatever, man. Bing bong. Guess who makes it? Really? On both rolls 17 and 15 you did it you need 50cc of what

towels towels towels for fools alright well 50cc of towels yeah we better get but we have to feed the mouth I'll tell you Breen you go get the towels I'll stay here Alright, well, 50 cc's of towels, yeah, we better get... But we have to feed the male, though.

Tell you what, Breen, you go get the towels. I'll stay here and feed the master's beasts. Towels? You stay here. Yeah, towels and 50 cc's, which I believe is a type of chip. Yes. CC stands for corn chips. Yes, I am familiar with the medical parlance, thank you. And he runs out.

So there's one left. You boy, open these crates now. What? Open the crates? Do it. But once they get a scent of blood, they follow forever. I slap him in the face. All right, I'm opening the crates.

Wait, we're not going to... You're not going to listen to what he just said? No, I don't... No. I don't care. I said open them. All right, he grabs... He goes over and he finds a pry bar in the corner of the room, throwing the meat and the pliers aside,

and he starts scrounging for a pry bar. As he does, you notice the room is now empty. As I said, there are a couple of horses on the door, but also you can see fresh air and a bit of sunset coming through the arched doors at the end. These doors lead out back into the streets of Daggerford. And his back is to you.

Are you in a bed? Yep. Grandpa Joe over here. To tie some of the bed sheets to a horse. So he's got a little carriage now.

Oh, like a bed carriage. This opportunity. So, while his back is turned, you get Filch to push you over to a horse, and you tie yourself to the horse. No, I'm tying the bed to the horse, so the bed's like a carriage now. Excellent. Alright, so you're going to tie the bed to the horse. What the bed's like a carriage now. Excellent. All right, so you're going to tie the bed to the horse.

What do the crates look like, Dave? They're large, big enough to have like... A sort of monster in them? A sort of unspeakable evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as I said, they are stamped with the sigil of old Barovia, and now he's found the pry bar, and he's like, all right, you sure I should do this?

I was told to keep... No, wait a second. I've thought now. I've thought about it. What's in here again? The master's beasts. What matter of beasts? Who? Which master? The master. The only master. Oh, shit. You think they're bats?

I think they're bad. Wait, you mean me? Well, sort of like you but taller. I'm sorry, I've never seen you before. You appear to be a halfling with a kind of vampire, like a six-year-old's idea of a vampire's face painted. How dare you?

Are you saying my disguise isn't holding? Well, not now while you're on the ground. Your disguise only went from about your sternum to your head, really, because the rest of it relied on a... I think a lot of it relied on your acting ability and you just walked in doing your George Clooney impression. Yeah, it didn't help that you pretended you were a fucking Chicago Hope. George Clooney, our society's greatest vampire.

Look, I'm confused. Do you want me to open this or not? No. No, I'm going to go with no. Do you have any fire? Wait a minute. What? Are you doctors?

Do you want them open? There's no one supposed to be on this level. Who are you people? I'm George Clooney. A very handsome doctor. No, that doesn't add up at all. Says Brain with freshly boiled towels in his hands. And corn chips.

Guards, someone's broken into the stables. Guards. And Breen starts to ring a bell. Bobby goes up and slaps the side of the horse that's attached to the bed and just says, yeah, and then grabs onto the side of it. Fields, can I jump onto the bed? Yeah, let's all jump onto the bed. You all jump onto the bed.

You go, yeah, and the horse sprints towards the door before the post that he is tied to reaches the end of its rope and he falls on his bum. Oh, no. I'll get the door. You get the rope. Okay. Now, Brain is ringing the bell in earnest

and the other one, whose name is Jackster, is running towards the doors. As you run towards the main arch doors and give them a push. Yes. All right, you push them open, and you feel the sunset kiss your face, and at that moment, you bump into a figure standing in front of three other figures

that you recognise by not just his beard and his cool vest and chained wallet, not just by his dark ray-bands and fedora with a single feather or by the horn in his hands, because it is the figure of Grim Saltback. Ooh. Jesus, guys, watch with the rush! Behind him are three more musicians.

Uh, hello, my name is... Okay, again, they're a bit... ...Lion Shieldback. Aren't you on a bed Not near them No we're all on the bed together Bobby's untying the horse from the post This is just Bastogne at the moment

The rest of you are next to a horse That has recently embarrassed itself Graham are you here for the For the Scar Jam I was just doing a gig there What are you guys doing here Jackster goes wait a minute These people are with you yeah they're with me jackster you get off it jackster this one says he's a famous either a doctor or an actor i was confused to be honest

that's bobby pancakes he says a lot of things guys what's happened and Brain stops ringing his bell. We just did some really cool performance art in there and we are spent. So we're just going to go get a nice quiet after show drink. Right, guys? That's right. That's right. Well, why don't you have it at the Dragonback Inn, huh? We'd love to.

That's a good idea. Let's get out of here quickly, though, because me very thirsty for post-show aperitif. Make a deception check for me. Phil, DC 17. Why did you make it so high? Because of circumstantial evidence. Well, I didn't get it.

All right. Grim Saltback looks at you. He's like, you guys aren't telling me the whole picture. You guys are in trouble, right? You guys are in trouble? You guys been doing some stuff? Is this about the cult? Grim, not the time.

Let's just go quickly. We explained everything on the way. Jaxter and Brain are keeping a distance, but they're listening quite carefully. What do you know about the cult, uh, Grim? Well, I know enough to know that you guys shouldn't be messed up with that stuff. Yeah, neither should you.

Let's get out of here. Please. Have you got the rope? Are we set to go? I've got the horse. I'm at the door. I've got the horse. The horse is dragging Banknote behind.

I've heard some crazy stuff about this cult, guys. Like, honestly, like, you guys seen anything? Like, what are you what do you what do you seen uh banknote's gonna uh wander over and like noticing this commotion you're getting out of the yeah and be like we need to go we need to go get like everyone got a thing he sort of puts his hand on grim's shoulder and just says i'm not a coward i've just never been tested i'd like to think, though, if I was, I would pass. Look at the test and get the fuck out of here.

Who could ever for the grace go on? I'm not a coward. I might be a coward. I'm afraid of what I might find. Let's get the fuck out of here! Look, look. Grim's friends, Grim's three musician friends are looking a bit uneasy. They've obviously come here for a gig, and he says easy Dave Paisley.

Easy, easy, two-toned Tony. Easy, Wolfman Jack, who is actually a wolfman. Guys, if you guys are in trouble, you can always come to Grimm. What's happened? Can I whisper to Grimm so the guards can't hear? Yeah, of course. Whispering is fine, but they may find it suspicious. But you can whisper to Grim so the guards can't hear? Yeah, of course. Whispering's fine, but they may find it suspicious, but you can whisper to him.

Oh, me gotta tell you something embarrassing I did in me pants. Nailed it. Hey, guys, this is Frank's business. I want to hear about how the orc shit itself. So, please, a little bit of privacy. Yeah. Grim. Yeah.

In a couple of seconds, a lot of people are going to come through looking for us. You tell them we went back to the castle. Okay. And you act really scared. Alright, I think I can do that for you. A single tear rolls past the Ray-Bans and splashes onto his beard and he goes, Why are you sad? I just don't want to lose you guys.

We're going back to your house but don't tell anyone. Yeah, sure. Inside check, inside check, inside check. He's fucking lying! That's a natural 20. You have to tell me if you're fucking lying! You have to tell me! Those are the rules! That is a natural 20! What is a natural 20? You notice some... He's found a way around his one weakness,

which is not being able to tell emotions. Bank note. Bank note. Boy, every other member of the Dragon Friends is drawn in by the emotion of the moment. But you, with a cold calculated, some would say emotional distance to the scene, notice something that the

others miss, which is that blood is mixed in with the tear rolling down his cheek. Does that happen when you lie? Yes, I've seen it before. And he goes, yeah, okay, I'll hold them here. You put Smedley, I've got my cart just outside.

You put Smedley, anything you need back at the inn, we'll meet back there in 15 minutes. How do you know who Smedley is? Let's get out of here. What? Yeah, let's do it. Let's go. How do you? The guy, the guy you're with.

Give him to me and then come get him later. You don't know who Smedley is. Yeah, he's the guy. He's the guy you said it to me when you said it to him. He's under his sheet, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Go.

Go. Go. We go. We go. We go. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to be going out of here, Dave.

What are you doing? What are you doing? You kick into the horse, which tries to push a quite heavy hospital bed in an inefficient escape. kick into the horse which tries to push a quite heavy hospital bed in an inefficient escape and as you do Grim indicates to Wolfman Jack the actual Wolfman who then puts his weight on a paw

and pushes the gate the doors shut and they close with a thunk and Grim in the quiet addresses you I really really didn't want it to come to this, guys. I was really hoping we could kind of avoid a lot of the unpleasantness, but you forced my hand.

And with that, he takes his Ray-Bans off, folds them and puts them in his vest pocket, and as he does, you notice for the first time that his eyes are ruined, gaping words. Do you look surprised? I can't tell. I'm sort of hoping you look surprised, my dragon friends. He spits on the ground.

But Grim, you love us. I hate you! What? I've hated you from the moment you walked into my inn with your quests and your bar tab. And your talking, endless talking. Oh, I'll pay you back, Grim. I'll help you, Grim. Oh, I'll come to your concert, Grim.

Oh, I'll buy a T-shirt, Grim. But you had all those pamphlets that you were obsessed with us. Yeah. Oh, it was an evil obsession. Oh. Oh, yes. I evil obsession. Oh. I get it. They're never nice.

Well. Grim, grim, grim. Now we never gonna come to your concert. You don't understand what it took to bring you back to Dagothard. The work that I had to do. The bribes that I had to pay. The letters that I had to forge. Did it never...

Look, we've all got jobs, okay? Shut up. Did it never occur to you why the dragon friends would be given the dukeship over literally anything? No, not really. You got that ducal coin on it? Give it to me here. Give it to me here. No. No, then really. You got that jukal coin on it?

Give it to me here. Give it to me here. No. No, then you'll be the juk. And he snatches it and he tears a little bit away from it and then he puts it in his mouth and he's like,

it's chocolate! Oh. Oh. And now, it seems that this is where you die, under the basement sub-stable thing, at the Illustrated Man. I finally, Grim Solpak me, the man who created three good bands,

two of which were disbanded for artistic reasons, will have my vengeance against that motley crew of dissident, adventuring scum they call the Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, and NPC voices are provided by Ben Jenkins. Live music this week was provided by DJ Tom Loud. Our special guest this week was Tom Walker, albeit quite briefly.

Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live every month at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Be sure to join us next time for the grand finale. Just quickly, the lady who'd never come before. Impressions. I've got a timer here and in one minute or less, and less is fine. Can you give us the plot of everything that happened in the last episode?

I don't even know where to start. Okay, so the halfling was on top of the half-orc under a curtain. And you guys were like undermining a Dracula. And things happen, jokes hold the door. It's all very derivative. Yeah, our poor Goliath that I drew was stuck and I have no idea, the portal with the legs cut off, that was before though.

It's close enough. The Bat stuff. Very well done. And then we got betrayed by our long-standing friend. Yeah, Grim Solback. Can our podcast episode be called Undermining a Dracula? Yeah.