Dragon Friends - #6.02. Could You Cast Friends on Me

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

An aasimar, a halfling, and a handsome man walk into a bar... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dragon Friends is of course the show where we used to say that we took a bunch of comedians who've never played Dungeons & Dragons and we got them to play Dungeons & Dragons. Now we take a bunch of comedians who we have forced to play Dungeons & Dragons for five years and we keep making them play until they die. He was running with the wolves Where was he? Learning to read from a talking dog, yeah Way back though He runs his poppers company Dark lost tribes A very naughty man

Finding him together The life of hope we call the Dragon Frown It has been three years again What? What? What? No. So six years now. From the perspective of the simple, humble Hamlet of Daggerford,

a small trading community on the shadow of the River D'Limbeir, a small river unsuitable for maritime practice on the sword coast. In that time, Dagenford has suffered, it is true, under the hands of the tyrant, Pomblamus LeCroy, interim administrator of this region, working in the name of its familial landlord, that despicable Count Strahd von Zarovich, that people have suffered in the silver mines of the sword kills, toiling

for time without end for a war that they cannot begin to comprehend that is coming. And that land has suffered, and it has been without heroes, but perhaps this changes now for clattering along the banks of the road next to the river.

The road banks. The magic road. Is an inexplicable cart with three on it. Baston Indrovich, newly returned. Why is the cart inexplicable? Because I didn't explain how you got it, so... Oh. Ah.

Aha! Pop that grinder Griner. Papa's had a couple of wines. Anyway. Proud Bastogne and Drivitch of the Way of the Eleven. Dark and circumspect. Bobby Pancake dressed in black. Black is his heart and his edgy, edgy backstory.

Lion Shield's banknote inexplicably still not very powerful. Heroes of the time, sure, but heroes of the future, who knows? They make their way into Dagothid deep in deep winter night to find a city asleep as they make their way towards where it all began, the site of the Dragonback Inn, to find the inn has been destroyed. A ruin since that time three years ago when they burnt it all down abandoned now perhaps for fear of ghosts you walk in like the ghosts you are yourselves to find a figure sitting at the bar proud swarthy, thick.

Is swarthy hairy? Yeah. Oh, it's dark skinned. Is green swarthy? Only dark green is. Okay. A shock of orange hair, it is the figure of Filge, who looks up as the three of you enter. Well, well, well.

Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Wellity, wellity, wellity, wellity. Don't try to make it cute. Me didn't think me'd see you Of all people Bobby Me thought you'd turn into wolf

Not a rat I just like to say I'm on Filge's side now She rules Hang on Bobby I'm just going to pop out Get on Filge's side now. Yeah. She rules. Hang on, Bobby. I'm just going to pop out and get some ice for that burn. Baston! Oh, hey.

You late? Like by one day. I had to come from the literal jungle, okay? But it's good to see you too. You better never stand up, Filge, again or you better never stand up Filge again or you'll never stand up again. She has a tiny goblin.

With an air horn. No, he's making that with his he's paid like very little an hour just to stand there. She doesn't have a tiny goblin. She has a familiar. So you're... What? You...

So Filch took, for her level, she took a feat instead of her ability score improvement, level eight. You took Magical Acolyte and you studied with the Great Demonte and you have some measure of control over the magical powers inherent to your bloodline. And you now have a first level spell that you can cast on command and two cantrips. And the first-level spell you selected was Find Familiar.

I wish you had warned me about this. Me and Alex had a chat today after you and me had dinner last night. I sincerely wish you had warned me about this. Wait, so who's your familiar? I don't know, you haven't thought of it. Oh. Well, and how do I summon my familiar? You can have it already summoned if you want.

I have already summoned it. Yes, but... Wap, wap, wap, wap, wap. Is that one goblin? No, to remind you... Is it an annoying bird? Alex, you can pick any Hanna-Barbera character you want. Essentially, it is a tiny animal.

A bat, a cat, a crab, a frog, a hawk, a lizard, octopus, an owl, a poisonous snake, a fish, a rat, a raven, a seahorse, a koala bear, a spider, a weasel. Maybe a koala bear that's smarter than the average koala bear. But like Bushu, this is your familiar and it will probably be played by Ben Jenkins. Hello. Or if you would prefer. Hello. Is this the voice of Ben? Because genuinely you sound like that sometimes.

You could choose anyone to be the voice. Including Dave, including Tom. Can we all audition? Okay, alright. Including Tom, yeah. You can pick anyone to be the familiar. You're not allowed to hear the voice. But also, there are, and I cannot stress this enough, no take backs.

Okay, everyone, give me your familiar catchphrase. No, no, you have to take it on trust. Can we just do a little audition? Please, a little, just one little catchphrase, Dave, please. Do we have any information about where Mia is? I'll choose. Go, Simon, go. Hello.

Eden. Dave. You what? Ben. I don't know where my feet are. Pink. Blue. Tom.

A hundred percent. Cutty. Yes! Please name and give me the animal form of your familiar. My animal is a beautiful, noble hawk. And what is the hawk's name? Because we know its catchphrase is 100%. Hey, Tom, if you want to actually take I Don't Know Where My Feet Are...

It's Flappy. It's obviously Flappy. And Flappy has an air horn. Don't hawks famously swoop? Sure. Okay. That just ends all the things he knows about hawks. Does that mean that Filch has like one sick glove?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Filch has a farrier's glove. I knew you'd know what it was called. Instead of it... You pervert. So this hawk, instead of a piercing shriek, opens its mouth and goes... Such is the awesome arcane power of Flappy the hawk.

A farrier is a smith who shoes horses. I thought so. A farrier's glove? It's a harrier? A farrier is somebody who puts shoe horses on. Yeah, I didn't have a special hawk one, so me stole it from the horse guy. So you're just holding it.

Also, I sound a lot more impressive if you don't Google me on stage. Put that on his fucking tombstone. Because we're going to kill him. With a knife What's the actual word for a nerd who has a hawk? Nobody cares Hawk nerd

It is hawk nerd Hawk nerd Falconer I'm going to google hawk guy Oh it's just hawk guy That makes sense Yeah Tell them

A hawk would have a hawk A birdman A birdman You have a birdman's glove. Um, what are we doing? And please, bird woman. Uh, this is Flappy. Nice work, Phil. To absolutely tear these two guys in, you asshole. 100%.

No, I want to be really... I want to be really... To... To be clear, communication between Flappy and Filch is telepathic, which means that Filch hears it as language, but for everybody else, Flappy just made a squawk that sounded like an air horn. Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap.

Filch doesn't realise that nobody else can hear it, however. Also, it is canon that the air horn is in Ben's voice. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Do I understand the speak of you guys? That was a weird sentence. Yeah, does he understand the speak of us guys?

Why not? He said permissively. Sure, you can understand. But Bushu does. Like, Bushu understands what we're saying, yeah. Bushu's more magical than Flappy. Well, you've just met Flappy. Also, the audience are like, ooh.

See, Bushu and Flappy fight. The two characters who are bullshit made up on a stage. I'm so thrilled to see that person is still here, by the way. Oh, right. Did I do you already? Did I burn you? Yeah, sorry, right. Did I do you already? Did I burn you? Yes, sorry, ma'am. Fake notes.

Burnt everybody. No need to burn me now. Really good to see you. How you been? How are the last three years? Very well, I've started. You look good. Thank you.

How's your dad? Oh. He's bigger than... He's an idea, so he can't be killed. It's sort of how we're framing it right now. But he is missing, and I do want to impress him if he's still around. So if we could stop... Oh, am I crying? What's happening? Yeah, that's it. Your face wet.

Oh. Hmm. Well... Well, you've regained your alpha status very quickly, Vilge. Me doubt you ever had it. No, no, no. No, you're right. So, what you losers doing?

As she says that, Vilge pulls a dusty crate out from under the burnt bar and she cracks it open to reveal a cocktail kit. Oh! What about very decorative letterboxes? Two crates, yeah, and the other crate is full of decorative letterboxes. The unnecessarily complicated

side hustle that Alex decided in our downtime session. This cocktail kit here, seems you've got some vermouth there, some little cocktail onions. Some vodka. That vodka, are you happy with that vodka?

Are you? It does the job. Me drink to forget betrayal of friends. Okay, I mean, I don't think I betray, I didn't really betray you. I was taken away by my... No, well, I said friends, so... Okay, um...

So we'll just... Those... those... Those... Those... Those... Those listening at home, Alex, after she said that, literally clasped her hand over her mouth. OK, so...

And also at the same time, Tom did the ba-ba-ba, suggesting that Flappy is also Filch's sardonic hype man. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! What I say has turned into ba-ba-ba. I actually did just shout ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Okay, so what's happened is over the last three years,

I've gone into the jungle, Bobby joined the wolf gang, and I started visiting. You just became a massive bitch, apparently. It's really hurting my feelings. Oh, me been reading Big Book of Burns. Oh, really? Any good ones for yourself that I could write down and use

later? I'll sort them out, Filch. Flappy will sort you out later. Thank you, Flappy. Sue, wait! I forgot. We didn't open that letter. Oh, yes. Oh, Filch, I just wanted to say I've got something for you. He flaps up his eye patch and pulls out the note.

You put it back? Yeah, of course. It doesn't have any pockets. You have pockets. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's sworn off pockets. The way of the 11 is... Tyrael Possessions.

He's a fucking freak. I've sworn off pockets so I won't be tempted to put anything in them. I'll only carry things that can fit in my eyeballs. Is the way of an 11 like straight lines? Yeah, right. Like the 11. Oh, I get it. Oh, you mean sartorially.

Yeah, I get it. Anybody else want to slowly get it? He hands youially. Yeah, I get it. Anybody else want to slowly get it? He hands you the note back. I get it. So Bastogne has handed you an envelope stamped with the sigil of Janos Myr unopened. Where this from? Janos Myr.

It's got a B on it, which I think, I believe it stands for banknote. It's probably about my family or something. Is it my right? Yes, not yes, no. B could be for many thing. B for Filch and open. Didn't Filch learn to read in the downtime? Yeah, but B and P are very similar.

What is a B but a pregnant P? Well, so she was taught to read by a dog. Thank you. And the dog was taught to read by a dolphin, I believe. So, you know, it's not going to be perfect. So you're going to read the letter? Yeah, but all the B's and P's are mixed up. Fuck.

So read it, Phil. Where is it? I can't do this. No, do it, Ben. Read the letter that I wrote you, but all the B's and P's are mixed up. Okay, so here's the thing. I won't. Coward.

Friends, I'm doing what I can to keep the resistance together, but the truth is we're hurting without great heart. The plan was always for one of great heart's two lieutenants to take over after he left, but they've both gone to ground, and the factions they control won't work together without their input I have good reason to believe that one of those lieutenants is in Daggerford held against his will his name is

Lothario and if any of you can free him and get him on the first horse back to Waterdeep, well, that would be really good. I'd like that. That's my fault. That sentence didn't have an end. It didn't end, but I improvised it seamlessly. You didn't, I... I don't think anyone noticed.

I think it was actually perfectly pulled off. I doubt they'll see the join there. If he lives, there's a chance to bring the nobles back to this fight. Jay. Okay, so do we want to leave this person here, dress me up in what we think their clothes would be, send me back so I can be the new lieutenant in my father's army? Is that a possible thing?

Hang on, hang on. So your plan is, because you've discovered this person outranks you, that you're going to dress up in a parody of what you understand of their character which is nothing other than their name Lothario It's evocative

Fool everybody including the people who have been said will not join the resistance until this person has returned You will trick them all into believing that their leader is back and lead everyone to victory Describe what you think that amazing outfit that will convince them all of this is. I think

Lothario would wear like a big jumper. A real big, like a really big head to toe big jumper. The whole thing is a jumper. Jumper and then maybe a hat. Head to toe like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Like a sloppy, like a floor-length sloppy joe.

Like a big A on the front. What kind of comfy army is this? Yeah, no, but then there's a hat as well. And the hat is another big jumper. And it goes the other way. So the neck is where you would... It's a sleepy rebellion that we're describing. So really the outfit's two jumpers and some cool shoes.

So you have that letter. Wow. Well, I mean, look, if you guys want to go find the guy, do the quest as well. I mean, we can do that. I'm not... Hey, do you want to piss on this note for me, just to see if there's anything secret on it? You know what, actually, yes, no, I will do that because it's a very sensible thing to do. And if you're going to tell me that's how you find invisible ink, I would just believe you. And so while you are purged pantsless over the note banknote, I need all of you to make a perception check.

Oooh. Oh, that's not good. Banknote, I need all of you to make a perception check. Ooh. That's not good. Dave, I rolled a nat 20. Does that mean piss works? Concentrating as you are on the stream, you will let the stream flow over you and beyond you until only the stream remains, et cetera, et cetera. Banknote, you find yourself suddenly feeling hyper or aware to your surroundings. And you suddenly feel with erring certainty that there are four figures sneaking up on the building.

And you realise that one is at the window and the other three are at the door. Don't come in, I'm pissing! You say that out loud? Don't! I'm pissing everywhere! Occupied! Occupied! Did Bobby perceive that on a 14?

No, I think only bank notes knows about this. The guy who's outside the window, is there glass in the window? Sorry? I don't think so because it's been like a ruin. Is it a glass window? No, it's not glass. Alright, I'm going to flag this. Who's in there?

Who is pissing? Can I have time to... I am saying this out loud. What did you roll? Eleven. You cannot have time now. Who is in there? Who is this person? I'll be Hydes.

Oh no no, just me, the local piss merchant. Sorry? The piss trade is done out of Waterdeep. What are you doing so far from home? No, I'm just starting out a business of artisanal weed. That is no business! In Daggerford? Well, not business business, I mean like, sort of... What is your identification number?

Uh, Jean Valjean. No, this is bullshit. I literally asked for a number. Of which Jean Valjean famously has. Yes, my number is... Tell me what. No, shut up. Shut up.

This is a gimme. If you know the number of one of the most famous musicals... Oh no! If you could say the number... Because if you do, this is a legitimate identification number in Daggerford for a guy called Jean Valjean. Okay, can I have a clue at all? You most... yeah, you... It's five numbers. It's five numbers?

And all of them are one digit numbers? All of them below ten. No, because you could fuck me on this. You could be like, oh, one of the numbers was 8,000, you fucking idiot. How do you not know anything about anything? Okay, okay, so let me help you. Yeah. Prisoner!

5,000, 25,000, 600 minutes. You know nothing. John Snow. Give us your five digit code. Just give us your pin number. Uh, two... Oh shit! Okay, so hang on, let's do a pricey ride. So he knows two.

And it occurs to me at that moment, we might be giving him too much information. He knows it starts with two, so you've got four left. And it occurs to me at that moment we might be giving him too much information. He knows it starts with two, so you've got four left. Uh... Okay, I'm pretty sure it's two, four, six of the first three. Now, here's the thing. I don't think the fourth one would be eight. Because then... Who do we appreciate? Yeah, because that would be two... Because then... Who do we appreciate?

Yeah, because that would be two... That's the same sequence, right? So we get rid of that. We can also probably get rid of two, four and six because it hasn't doubled up, right? This is exactly what the composers and lyricists thought. Because I've read the book. It's not his number in the book.

Oh, it's just for rhyming. Two, four, six. Let me finish this Sudoku live on stage. And if you don't, it explodes. It would be two, four, six. I think it'd be... Let's go... Zero?

If your mutant brain works this out, if your feeble synapses click together, some simulacrum of intelligence. Okay, so, and we're pretty short and they're not going to repeat, so I'm down to six numbers that are left, right? I hate this I know this was fun but I actually hate this so it's it's one three five seven that's it or nine I guess one three five seven or nine why'd you give a nine or I

guess it's too high! Enough time citizen! What is your identification number? Prisoner 24601 is what I asked you to do! Did we do it? Yeah! First of all, it ties to inspiration, but secondly, Thank you, Dave. it would not be possible for this to work on stage unless everybody else in the room knew that before we started. Well, hang on.

Can we just get mentalist by here? Was the guard at all suspicious that it took five minutes? There's a lot of cheering in there. Prisoner 24601, I guess. You are...

A beautiful mind, but it's only five numbers in front of him. It's just a slot machine. Your shift at the silver mine has ended. That means that you should be reporting to the Red House. I genuinely have forgotten what we're doing here. I hate to say it, Ben, but we're off the fucking book. Just go with me. That means you should be reporting to the...

Your shift at the Silver Mine has ended. You should be reporting to the Red House. Yes, no, I am. I was. I'm on my way there right now. It's just I stopped here. Well, perhaps it would benefit you if you had an escort. Oh, uh... I mean, is that legal here? As you know...

As you know, Administrator LaCroix has declared a curfew from 6pm for all non-workers. If you were to make your way to the Red House, you will need to come under escort. Is he by himself, Dave? There are three guards with him. But have they seen Bastogne?

Can Bastogne hide? They've all walked into the room. The only person who hid before they walked in was Bobby on a hide check of... What was it, sir? Of 18. So you have not been spotted. No, I will head there momentarily.

Be the escort! This here is my escort. What is your prisoner number? Me a guard. Me no need one. What? Me the escort. This is a guard. Are you making a deception check?

Is the guard asking me this? Yes, I am. Hang on, you have your new acolyte, you have your new abilities, your magic initiative abilities. Is this this one? Well, you could cast friends, I suppose, if you want. Okay. I cast friends.

This is a cantrip, which means... Ba-ba-da-da-da, ba-ba-da-ba. Oh, Filch. This is a cantrip, which means... Oh, Filch, I don't want to be too forward. Is there a chance you could cast that on me? Now, the other guards can't see you at the moment in the low, smoky room. Now, the way this spell works is for one minute, you will have advantage on all charisma checks against this person. But you know the clock is ticking

because in 60 seconds, they will realise that you've cast a spell on them. So something that you've all never seen before, Phil very competently draws some sigils in the air and then flicks her hands, and the guard snaps back. And now make for me a charisma check with advantage. Roll it twice. Ooh, that's a three.

And a... One. Bobby jumps out from the shadows and does a sneak attack. And with his sword Make an attack You're the first in the initiative anyway That's a 15 plus 8 sneak attack

So that's That's 7 Plus your sneak attack ability 8, 9 2, a 2, a one. And a two. Eleven, twelve. And a six.

So, eighteen. Eighteen plus what? Plus five. Okay. That became diminishingly less triumphant as it went on. But you do eighteen hit points of damage. So, one of the guards on the left of the captain of the guards screams in pain as Bobby bursts out of the shadows,

stabs him in the neck, and he goes down. Baston, you're up. I'm going to do a flurry of blows and do three attacks with my fists of fury. Armour class 12. Fury. Five. Six, seven, plus nine is 16 damage. Fury. Five. Six.

Seven. Plus nine is 16 damage. Pwa, pwa, pwa, pwa, pwa. Baston takes down another guard. Banknote. Um, yes, I, uh, well, I'm just, I've got so many new things, Dave. Okay, Filch. Um, I'm going to take Thunder's Wake.

Yeah, so wrapped on the bars in old cloth and leather straps, Filch pulls a strap from the cloths, revealing an old warhammer inscribed with giant and dwarven runes. And I'm going to whack someone with it. The guard. The captain. The captain. Armoclast 16.

Nope. Now you have a second attack. Also nope. And now, delayed action. Dave, I don't know if this is a mistake, but you've given me a pistol? I did, yeah. I have a gun? Yeah.

Do you know what? Do you know what? You showed up every time last year. You seemed to really try. You made a big effort. And I was like, treat yourself. You have a gun. I pulled the pistol in my own mouth. No, I'm joking.

That's not... Bagnote's going to hold his pistol to a guard and just shoot a guard. Make an attack. I rolled it on here. If you want. You got the D&D beyond? Yeah, go for it.

I rolled a two. No. Okay, great. The guard's come. It's the guard's turn. There's only one guard left who misses and the guard captain who has his own short sword and he jumps at Filge,

and he hits you, Filge, for five points of damage. But he has multi-attack, which means he also hits but misses again. And now it's Bobby's go. I'm going to go at him with the sword. So that's 15. That's a hit. Six plus five.

That's a... 11 damage plus five. That's a... Eleven damage. Okay, that does a lot of damage. Best on. Oh, yep. I'm coming in hot with the strikes. Boom, boom, boom. What's his armor class?

Still flurry of blows. Only one hit. So you still haven't drawn your weapons? No, I'm just using the fist now. The way of the eleven. They gave you so many magic swords. The shoes. And I do another 7 damage.

Alright, he's reeling back in pain and the next one is bilge. I'm gonna try again. Why did you laugh into your wine? Because you're allowed. You don't need to go for it. I don't need to what? Are you angry? I guess

I'm a little bit angry. What are you angry about? I'm angry at all my friends for being late. Okay. And you're taking it out on this guy who is, if anything, excessively punctual. Rage works in mysterious ways. Have advantage. Have an extra attack.

Okay, so that means I get three? Mm-hmm. Sweet. All right, I'm going to go for him again. Serious ways. Have advantage. Have an extra attack. Okay, so that means I get three? Mm-hmm. Sweet. All right, I'm going to go for him again. Yep, and two of them hit. Reroll anything that misses. Hell yeah.

And that hits two. Uh-oh. All right. Oh, boy. Here comes Thunder's wank. It's... I think you know. It's called fucking Thunder's wank. It's... I think you know. It's called fucking Thunder's wank. The first one hits for 12.

Yep. The second one hits for 8. And the other one hits for 11. 31. All right, smash, smash, smash. Smash, smash, smash. And Filch turns the guard captain into paste and the last guard drops his sword and puts his hands up in the air.

What does Flappy say? 100% guys, good work everyone. Thanks Flappy. You're always there when me call and you're always on time. Bit of J-Lo. Anyway. So, anyone call for paste? Trying it out as a new catchphrase?

So he's got his hands up in the air. Yeah, he's dropped his sword to the ground. Is he waving them around? Like he just don't care. Oh, he's dropped his sword to the ground. Is he waving them around? Like he just don't care. Sorry, sorry. Oh, he cares very much. He cares. Okay, so Baston's going to tie him up.

Yeah. Put his arms behind his back. Well, dude. Jeremy. All right, whatever. Like I care. But now I've imprinted on you. Yeah, damn it.

Now I know your name. I guess I'll have to use it. Don't tell me your name. I have kids. Jeremy, if I were looking for someone by the name of Lothario, where would I find them? What do you mean looking for? Is this like a prisoner or someone that's escaped?

Yeah, well, if you were a prisoner, where would you keep you? Bobby gets his dagger and stabs the guy in the leg. What are you doing? What are you doing? It takes six points of damage. I'll tell you, I'll tell you. The administrator, he keeps prisoners in Daggerfield Castle, but no one comes out, no one goes in, no one leaves, no one enters.

That was like a total logical thing, wasn't it? I said the same thing twice. It's true. castle but no one comes out no one goes in no one leaves no one enters oh you kind of uh that was like a total total i said the same thing twice you ever enter um yes sometimes for training how'd you get out then you said uh are you a liar jeremy bobby do the other one stab you stab him again? In the other leg. Ah! Okay, he's bloodied now and close to death. Um, as he starts to bleed freely from both thighs and he's like, No, the administrator, La Croix, he keeps political prisoners in Captain Dagenford Castle.

Okay, okay, no, that's good, that's good, that's good, Jeremy, calm down. Stop him stabbing me! Calm down. It looks like your wounds are pretty infected there. You know what's a really effective... Not to mess again for a second, but what are all your fucking alignments again? Uh, um, 11. Good boy.

Experience point. He's aligned as good boy, so I don't... Good boy. I'm just thinking, do you want a hand cleaning up those wounds, perhaps? I want to live. I want to see my mother and my three children again. Okay, no, I'm just... Does anyone have any healing things?

Yeah, no, so... Because I think we could use him to get into the castle. We use... I get some of the robes off of the other guys we killed and save this guy's life. I can do it. I can do it right here. Oh, you've got a skill?

Yes, I have a thing called Healing Hands. So he's taken seven points of damage. Eight. I can restore eight hit points. Okay. Now I have something you want. How does that work? Because Artificer...

Hang on. Well, firstly, Artificer magic is technomantic, so do you have a device or something? Yes, I have a little... ..clock. And it goes... Tick-tock, tick-tock. And then you're healed.

No, I guess I guess that sounds good. No, I'm sorry. It's basically Paranos. I was confused because I was reading this. It's once per long rest as an action, touch a creature and restore eight hit points. It's probably one of those heart zappers. Oh, yes.

I take the glove that I've previously used to shock people, but this time it's a non-lethal shocking grasp, okay? It works this time. You have the healing hands, asamir, trite. So you... All right. Ah!

Oh, okay. Thank you, I guess. Yes, indeed. I mean, for a second, I thought I was going to die. Bobby stabs him in the leg again. Oh. I mean, look, easy come, easy go, right? Do not forget who is in charge in this situation.

I will do whatever you say, I swear it. Are you okay, man? Chill, dude. He was pretty... All right, well... Stab. All right. Just a little stab.

Don't look at me like that. Don't stab me. It's my fucking leg. Stab! Alright, don't... Just a little stab! Don't look at me like that! Don't stab me! It's my fucking leg! Okay, what are we gonna do with this guy? I mean, we could try the vodka. Let's dress him in the other robes, carry him back to the castle, say he's been injured, and get inside the...

That's super smart! I love that idea! Great idea, yeah. Great idea. Alright, Jeremy, I'm just gonna put this little ball gag in your mouth, it's chill. No, no, no, no, no. Please don't, I don't, ow.

Where did you get a ball gag from? Is it the way of the 11th? My understanding is, last one, you don't have any pockets. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You notice that his eye patch is missing. You know what, that could have been much worse.

You gonna take him to Dagenford Castle? Yeah, yeah, good plan. So you're just sweating, describe this plan. So we're gonna get The clothes Off all of the guards That we've just fought There's three guards Yep so

One Two For the podcast For the podcast I can disguise self There's no reason why Is Banknote as a known entity A former Daggerfordian

Does he have like I think people will know me Because of my famous family And what not They will know us because of my famous family and what not they will know us because we were the Dukes okay sure that is true oh yeah true that

true that okay so one for Bastogne the Dukes like to be fair you were the Dukes for a literal week felt like a long time though didn't it

it did didn't it like we didn't do that many like public events you set a lot of things on fire we didn't open many libraries no you didn't do a lot of so on fire. We didn't open many libraries. So one for Banknote, one for Filge, one for Bastogne and Bobby will disguise himself. Yes. So we're carrying a nude soldier injured. No no no the other soldier still had his own there's four

soldiers. Oh four soldiers okay. And one of you is wearing the commander's uniform who will probably have to speak. Shotgun! Yeah all right. And it's banknote. All right, that's fine. By the power of shotgun. So. All right, let's go do it. All right, making your way up to the commons and beyond through the trade district to that craggy plateau that where sits Dagenford Castle. Once the castle that was owned by the four of you, you see two guards at the door. Now, how are you taking this injured man?

Are you dragging him through the mud by his hair? Can we put him on, like, a beer? On a beer? Yeah, like beer. B-E-I-R. A stretcher. That's the one I was looking for. I guess you could.

There's four of us. Two of us can carry one person, one person can carry one end, one person can carry the leg. You don't have a beer, so two people are going to carry him? We can magic one. Bah! can carry the leg. Yeah, filled on one end. You don't have a beer so you're just gonna two people are gonna carry him? Yeah. We can magic one.

What? Bank notes and artifies they can make things. Uh, I can make an Eldritch Cannon. Do you want that? I don't know if you've met Hing but he's specced his he's mostly specced his character

for like mutually assured destruction. Why don't we just carry him like we cross our hands like you used to do in primary school? Fireman's fire chair. Fireman's carry. Fireman's carry, yeah. You carry him up and there are two guards at the door

and one of them hates his job, but the other one is curiously upbeat. Oh, what a wonderful job that I have here. curiously upbeat. Oh, what a wonderful job that I have here. In front of the castle, I can look at all of the splendour of Daggerford and I can also look at all of the

splendour of the castle. Quickly, quickly! No, we don't have time for this! Oh! Haven't met the one who hates it yet! I disguise myself as one of the guards that has dead and been left behind, just for the record. Yeah, yeah, that's fine, that's fine. Sorry, can I hear the other character, Ben?

Sacre bleu. Quickly, quickly, no. This man is horribly injured. He's been stabbed. Well, what concern this is to us? This man has a family. Three children, three whole children. We all have family with children three whole children I have three children three old children what my children I have them as well well how

many do you have three okay and you sir me I do not like my job That is where my character starts and ends. Okay, this man is dying. And we need to get him medical attention quickly. Look, if it were up to me, I would take this man and I would say, you need to get him to the hospital in at least two meters long. But it's not up to me. It's up to LaCroix. He has information for La Croix, and if he die, the information die with him. Why didn't you say so?

Make a deception check for me, Filch. How many times can I make someone my friend? It's a cantrip. I mean, that literally made someone sigh in sadness because that's like a child at the end of the first day of kindergarten. It's a cantrip, so you can do whatever you want. Woo, I do it. So I've advantaged on a deception, yeah?

Yep. But remember, in one minute, they will know that... Yeah, I'll be quick. You are going to discover in this season that there are consequences to actions. Well, it's been five seasons and I haven't won it yet. I extremely doubt you will. All right. 16.

That's a success. Yes. So what are you saying to him? Quickly, quickly. Yes, right this way, madame. To LeCix himself. I will wake him. But Le Croix is asleep.

Would you wish to place him in the infirmary? We wish to place him in the infirmary so he can get better, then he speaks. I will take him. No, no, no. You are doing such a great job here and you'll miss the sunset. You have rolled so well I acquiesce. I tell you what, the infirmary is on the second floor. Take the stairs up and then go left and then left again. And then it's the second door to the right.

But I will tell you this, the doctor is away. He is in the red room. He has been summoned to the city for the projects. He will be back in the morning. It is, as I said, quite late at night, as you can see. Well, we wouldn't want you to miss that sunset. Okay!

It's okay. We'll bandage him up using first aid. Wonderful, wonderful. I have no reason to object. And the doors open, allowing you entrance into Daggerford Castle. Okay, so who listened to what the guy said? Where did they hide the prisoners?

Well, he said the infirmary was upstairs, but when we kept prisoners, we kept them downstairs in the dungeons. Okay, okay. What are you doing with the injured guard? I'm quite close to death. We'll take him down there. He's got a stab in his leg. He's not going to die. You stabbed me in the leg.

Yeah. You've still got a ball gag in, okay? I tighten the ball gag. All right, we go downstairs. If anybody asks us, we say we've got a prisoner for the dungeons. Yeah, we go down to the dungeons. Okay. It's funny enough, nobody in the guard door noticed he was wearing a ball gag.

That's why I'm being very injured. All right, now again. It's wearing a ball gag. That's why I'm being very injured. All right, now again. It's a municipal ball gag. The clock for one minute is ticking as you quickly make your way downstairs into the dungeons. There are three cells, as they used to be in Daggerford. The cell where your friend Thomas Medley was once kept now seems to be empty, mostly abandoned.

There are two large crates on the floor and the door is unlocked. And the other cell next to it a figure stands up rattling the bars as soon as he sees you he is a trim figure in a kind of aristocratic outfit with a like a a rough and a short waistcoat and leggings and a beautifully conditioned hairdo. Baston says, the raven flies at night? My good goodness can it be, can it be that people have come? Can it be that people have come? Can it be that people have come? Can it be that people have come?

Yes. No, no, we are here. You must be Lothario. I am of course Lothario. I am of course Lothario, windswept. And can it be, can it be, can it be that all of you, all of you have come to rescue me? Yes! Shut up! Are you...

Just so we get this clear, are you actually going to sing or are you just going to speak like you're about to sing? Am I going to sing? Am I going to speak? Am I going... Shut up!

Can I take the... Can I take the ball gag off Jeremy? You can. Unfortunately, Lothario Winswept III is locked in his cell. All right, we better... Is there other keys somewhere? Give me a cracker.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Hello! Hello! other keys somewhere? Give me a cracker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Bobby. Hello! 20 boys. It's a natural 20. All right. Pick those locks. Yeah, okay. That succeeds. So there is a click

and you perfunctorily unlock the door as it opens and Lothario steps out. I cannot say. Into what seems. Shut up! Lothario steps out. I cannot say. Into what seems. Shut up. Lothario steps out into the corridor and the way that the torches are configured down the corridor,

you hadn't realised until he does, but it's kind of like a spotlight. Fresh air. Fresh. Fresh sights. Shut up. Shut up. I up, shut up. I haven't picked a lock in over three years.

You don't see me singing a fucking song about it. No, I wasn't going. Want to? Which is very funny, Bobby Peck. I picked a lock. Shut up, let's get out of here. I picked a lot. Shut up! Let's get out of here!

Now, it has been about 45 seconds since you went through the main gates, which is incredibly efficient, but it's about 15 seconds until your spell breaks. Do we know from our time in the castle if there's another way out of the castle other than the main gate? You do know from your time in the castle if there's another way out of the castle other than the main gate? You do know from your time in the castle if there's another way out of the castle. There is not. There's not?

Oh, shit. This is a bad plan. This has been a bad plan all the whole time. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess we go out the way we came then. What's in these crates? Are you going to try and open one?

Yeah. All right. You walk up to the crates and you look at one and there's a crowbar sitting next to the crates. Open the crate. Come on, motorbike. Okay. What could it be?

What could be in the... I'm going to tell you one more time and then I'm going to stab you in the leg. That's fair enough. I think when he gets to the chorus it's going to be a real doozy. Bassan, you grab the crowbar and you stab it into the side of the first crate and you open it. And there is a corpse groan as old air suddenly fills the cells of Daggerford Castle.

And you see a body with arms crossed on its chest of a figure in a funerary shift, a woman with white hair slying in repose in the chest in what looks like old soil. Do we recognise them, these bodies? No, you don't. Bobby tries to break a shard off the lid,

tries to smash a bit of wood off it so that it's sharp to make a a steak is a it's a one that's a one that's a one

you grab the you grab you grab the crowbar and try to create a steak out of the side of it and you swing with an accident

and you open the second crate revealing the body of a young man with white hair his hands crossed on his chest in funerary clothes as you hear a dry giggle at the stairs and then you turn to see in a nightgown, pompous and rotund, the figure of Pomplamoose LeCroy. Oh! You did not listen to me when I said to you, I did say it to you, I did. I remember saying to you, come, go. It was much more specific than this.

I said, go and never come back. If I'd said come and never come back, that would be much worse. I said, go and never come back. Bobby is still in the guise of the soldier. And yet here you are, my little tiny pieces of cheese that I put on little crackers to eat. And unfortunately he has spoken for more than 15 seconds.

So as he says this, guards slowly walk to the side, each of them with heavy crossbows, until they are flanking him on the stairs. You used to run this castle, I remember, quite distinctly, and me as LeCroy, as your faithful LeCroy. Would you like this? Would you like that? Yes. Yes.

Yes, yes, remember that. You would like that or this. You would. You do be like that. Can I have a drink, though? Yes, of course. That was muscle memory! But now you see how you say the tables are... Under. Under.

The. The. See? The tables are under the sea, as you say. For the tables are truly under the sea. That which was on ground at firmament is now amidst coral and flay. And swept by the ocean's course,

it seems that the world has turned asunder. The natural orders upended on themselves as the dragon prince stand at a dungeon cell with two, what looks like vampiric thralls, slowly rising from a crate with Pomplimus LeCroy standing, guards flanking him at the stairs with naught but one new ally, a strange figure, Lothario, a man constantly ready to break into song, a man that if I had to describe I would describe as sort of

wearing a big head to toe jumper, a sort of jumper like Alvin and the Chipmunks and maybe a hat. And the hat is another big jumper and it goes the other way so that the neck is sort of really an outfit. It's two jumpers and two shoes to find out who can triumph in such a situation. Tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you! The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing.

Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon. NPC voices are provided by Ben Jenkins, and live accompaniments provided by Tom Carty. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this week's episode was recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney. Until next time.

Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle Bombing pancakes He was running with the wolves Where was Beale? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah He was training in the jungle, popping pancakes. He was running with the wolves, where was he? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Way back though, he runs his papa's company. Dark Lord Shrouds, a very naughty man.

Finally together, the life of hope we call the Dragon Friends. Should we talk for a moment about the fact that this is the last time that we are playing... Ever before we're all killed. That's not... That's not true. First Alex, then us. As per the rules of the Tontine we signed. This isn't the end of Dragon Friends. And this isn't, I don't think, possibly even the end of Dragon Friends and this isn't I don't think possibly

even the end of Giant Dwarf but this is unfortunately the end of Giant Dwarf Cleveland Street In this building They chose this show to end on Yeah I think

No, if you bought tickets I think it's going for about another 30 days but you've probably seen the big four lease sign outside Sydney rental leases are insane Giant Dwarf is looking I think for a new home. It's very sad. Make sure you catch up. GD shows

where you can. It's not the end of Dragon Friends. We are opening tickets tomorrow for our March show. We are moving to the Vanguard, which is a ridiculously cool venue on King Street. We're now a burlesque show. That's a change. That's a change.

That's a change of pace. That was in the contract. I said, honestly, that's a deal breaker. And Ben said, no, no, no, Dave, let's hear them out. Let's make it work. Make it work.