Dragon Friends - #6.03. Armour Class of the Back of the Throat with Scott Huntington

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Trapped in the very same dungeon they broke their charge out of, The Dragon Friends are stuck between two vampire thralls and the entirety of Daggerford castle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey Dragos, we've got some tickets to sell. April 18th and 19th, we are going to be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. There are tickets available at comedyfestival.com.au and if you've ever wanted to experience Dragon Friends in front of a live audience, you can hear all of the laughs, all of the thrills, and have a great time. It feels like the Weimar Republic in here

So spend your Deutschmarks They're going to be worthless And if any of you are thinking of starting A national movement of Nazis Just don't Travel three days southwest down the high road from Waterdeep and you will find yourself in Daggerford, a hardy caravan community recently laid low by the machinations of its regional administrator,

one Pomplimus LeCroy. The town now permanently belches a thick acrid smoke out of newly dug mines and the forges burn all night, the people suffering for the steel and silver that they are being forced to supply for their new masters. And yet, steel and silver may be far from the worst of it. Your patron, Janos Myr, has sent you to find and rescue his agent, Lothario Winswept III, revolutionary lieutenant and dandy, who has disappeared while investigating the town. Deep in the dungeons of Dagovid Castle, you found Lothario, but were found yourselves by LeCroy and two of his guards.

Now Lothario is quite possibly an idiot, but he may be one half of the key to uniting the desperate factions of the Resistance flung to the wind since the disappearance of their inspirational leader, Great Heart Banknote. Bring back Lothario and his faction. The gentles will come back into the fold. Let him die here in Daggerford Castle, and who knows how bad things will get.

Bobby Pancakes, trapped in the dark. With no way out, you've smashed open two long crates in a neighbouring cell. And as the deathly figures of a young man and woman rise from the earth bound within, it looks like things are going to get a whole lot worse. Bobby, you are up. Do you need me to draw the scene? Do you remember where you are? Yeah, pretty much. So, is one of the crates smashed a bit?

Both of them are smashed. Can I get a bit of wood? You can, but you're standing next to a vampire, so we will get a reaction attack on you. Didn't you get a piece of wood at the end of the last episode? Nah, I fucked up and opened up the other vampire. That's right. Go ahead.

All right, make for me quickly a dexterity check. That's a 17. 17. You grab a jagged splinter of wood from the crate as one of the vampires, the young girl vampire, slashes at you with claws, but she misses. That's your action. You want to move as well?

No, I'll stay there. In that case, Phil, you're up. I'm going to get my javelin. That's wood, right? Your javelins. Yeah, I suppose you have javelins again. Well, it's not my thing. Yeah. That's wood, right? Your javelins. Yeah, I suppose you have javelins again. Well, it's not my thing.

Yeah, that's fine. You've replenished since season one. Congratulations. Old friends. And who's closest to me? The vampire closest to me is going to get a javelin in their heart. Okay, excellent. Make an attack then. Armour class, 16.

Okay, I make two attacks and one of them is a 20. You can only make one attack because you can't throw a javelin twice. Oh, but don't I get extra attacks? Yes, but again, physically. Oh! I can't run over where it's like

skitted on the floor and pick it up. So your bonus action is to draw a javelin and then you throw it, but you'll only get to throw one. I'll let you do the highest. Which one was it? 20, please. Congratulations. That hits.

Make your damage. Critical hit. Oh, no, 20. So just, yeah, normal hit. That's a 10. Okay, you do 10 points. It seems as the... It hits the boy vampire and he screams in irritation,

but it seems like it's not hurting him. Sister dear, I have an owie. Really? Oh, kill them. Ben? I have an owie on my shoulder. So again, imagine if you will, a kind of Victorian horror,

a pallid death mask in funerary clothes, great coat rotting under all the soil. So great. A face of a child cut down in his prime. Tick. Haunting. They're baby vampires? They're like, they're teens.

They're teen vampires. Although I'm hearing the voice now, it sounds more like tween vampires. Goo goo ga ga. And this one's name is Dorian, and his sister Isabella is there as well. Sister dear, kill them for me. Yes, brother dear. Oh, I don't like to sully my long, long fingernails, which have been growing since I've been dying. Oh, look how long they are.

They're nice, aren't they? I like them very much, but do kill them. Wowee. All right. I want some boiled sweets, which is what I call blood. Alright, it's not your turn yet, so just calm down.

Instead it is the guards who now both fire their heavy crossbows at you, Filge, spotting your attack, and one of them misses, and the other one hits with a critical hit, I'm afraid to say and you take 14 hit points worth of damage and Pomplamoose

LaCroix dashes up the stairs behind them and Bastogne you're up next. See you later fuckheads! I'm gonna slash with my swords at the vampiros Which one? El vampiros

the one who likes boiled sweets I think. Drawing your two magical swords At the vampiros. Which one? El vampiros. The one who likes boiled sweets, I think. Okay. Drawing your two magical swords. Yes. Slash at them, yep. What's the armor class? 16. Two hits.

And I do... Oh, 11 plus 21 damage. 21 damage. All right. Very good. Yeah. Slash, slash, slash. Crazy.

Swords are crazy effective. Goes the long sword. Ring, ring, ring. Goes the bell. And Dorian feels that one, let me tell you. It seems like magical weapons have more of an effect. And the next one up is lion shield. Aha.

Dave, are they holding any weapons at all? Well, you have a gun. No, it's not they. The vampires. No, just's not they. Are the vampires holding it? No, just their claws. Just their claws. And they're wearing... Are they wearing any clothes around their necks?

Funerary gowns will say that the girl is wearing a muffler and the boy is wearing a starched collar rotting under the soil. Okay. I am going to use magical tinkering to imbue both the starched collar and the muffler with the property of emitting odour of garlic.

Whoa! Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Hing, but I believe you need ten minutes in a lab to do that. According to this, three something, it doesn't say anything like that. It just says imbue a tiny non-magical object. You are carrying, yes, a tiny object. Both of those criteria not fulfilled, but by all means, go on.

No, it doesn't say carrying. Imbue a tiny magical object with a magical property of your choice. Five feet radius, up to six seconds of recorded message, emitting an odour, non-verbal sound, and I've chosen emitting an odour. It all checks out. I mean, Dave, it was garlic or cum. Those were the options. Okay, all right, I'm going to quickly make...

Now, this is an illusory effect, so it doesn't have the effect on them, but they don't know this yet. So quickly, I'm going to make for the two of them. Intelligence saves the... Very stupid. I mean, based on Ben's voices, they're quite dumb, Dave.

I've got to say, they are dumber, it is true, than I was expecting. Alright, they both are suddenly feared, so they have disadvantage as they sort of suddenly start tearing at their collars and their mufflers, trying to throw them into the corner of the room, consuming their entire action.

Oh, yucky,. Ooh, yucky. Yucky booboo gaga. This is like when Nanny spanks us. Oh, boy. I hate him so much. This consumes their entire action, so we go to Bobby. Unsavoury. Unsavoury stuff.

I'm going to cast Dissonant Whispers. Dissonant Whispers? Dissonant Whispers? Dissonant Whispers. What's Lothario doing? Sorry, I am so sorry. Lothario Winswift III without... Your weapons are on a bench nearby, but you are of course unarmed,

but it is now your turn. Your rapier, your silver rapier is there as well. Cornet. Cornet. We're cornet. Can it be that we are Your silver rapier is there as well. Cornered. Cornered. We're cornered. Can it be that we are... Is this the moment that all of us... Shut up and fight, you fuckwit!

I'm sort of more of a speechy guy. Around six seconds, but keep going. Can I reach my rapier? You can. You walk over and you grab your rapier and you sling the scabbard to reveal a sharp silver water deviant blade. Great. I throw it at the guy.

At who? The kid. The boy. You're going to throw it at the vampire. Yeah. Okay, great. Now, the vampire, of course, is behind filled from your angle. So make for me quickly and attack.

This time it's under half cover. DC 18. Yeah, that's a big old five. You miss by enough that you don't hit Filch as well. But you throw it into the locked cell next door. Who's in the cell? A rapier, as it happens. And now it is's in the cell? A rapier, as it happens.

And now it is your turn, Bobby. Okay, I'm going to cast Dissonant Whispers. Yep. So you have to do it on Isabella. Okay. So she has to do a wisdom saving throw. DC 14, I believe. 14. You whisper a discordant melody.

Do it, Simon. But whistle it. Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry. You start whispering something using your message spell, a new trick that you have learned in the Wolves of Barovia, and she suddenly hears voices in her head. Wisdom saving throw, Dave. Is she on? Ba-ba-dee-da-ba-dee-da-do. Ba-ba-dee-da-ba-dee-da-do. Ba-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-do. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-da-do.

Wisdom saving throw, Dave. Is she on? This one doesn't scare her as much as garlic, but she does take half damage. So that's half of 3D6. So that's 4, 8, 12. So six. All right, six points of damage.

And has she got that song stuck in her head now? Irritatingly, she does have the song stuck in her head. And now it is Filch's go. Okay, Filch is going to get rid of the javelin. Doesn't do enough damage, to be honest. And get out Old Thunder's wake. Yes, your magical warhammer. And I'm going to swing it at Dorian. I want to swing at his annoying little mouth.

Okay. That's what I do. Two attacks. Okay. Oh, not very good. A six. No. Ah, nine.

A nine is not good enough? Oh, nine. What do you add on to it, though? Oh, yeah. I just forgot how to play Dungeons and Dragons. Well, let me just try and? Oh, no. What do you add on to it, though? Oh, yeah. I just forgot how to play Dungeons and Dragons. Well, let me just try and help you, Alex. 17. Are you angry about anything?

No, but I don't want to waste it. They seem like pissy little vampires. 17 is enough. 17 is good. 17 is good. But you get three attacks. No, no, she's not angry. No, I'm not angry.

I've done it. You get two, though. Yeah, and now I do two attacks. I know. Oh. Oh. Cool. I got 12 plus five. So do the maths yourself, please.

17. It's also still enough. The same, in fact, as last time. So how much damage? No, that was my damage. Oh. But then you, did you do your second attack? Yeah, but the first attack wasn't enough.

Oh, it missed We've done it Alright we're through 17 damage 17 damage please We're good at this Dorian gets smacked In the mouth

With a magical warhammer My mouth Owie Oh Dorian Your mouth Wait Does his mouth Still work after that?

That's where Toffee goes And by toffee I mean blood We thought Boiled sweets was blood A lot of things Are blood where toffee goes. And by toffee, I mean blood. We thought boiled sweets was blood. A lot of things are blood. The two guards,

kind of irritated that you've ignored them up until now, have reloaded their crossbows at this point. One of them tries to fire and breaks his crossbow into pieces.

I am not very good at this. But the other one does hit you, Lion Shield banknote. What? For three points of damage. And LaCroix has by now successfully escaped upstairs. And Baston, it is your go.

So there's two guards and two vampires. Yes, but only one of the guards is armed. Well, I'm going to keep trying to kill this vampire. I feel like that's the task here. 19. Oh, that's a crit. I'm critting over here, baby. 6 plus 5 is 11.

And then 8. 19 damage. That was for Dorian? Yeah. Okay, Dorian is looking very wounded now as a little bit of dust and blood is pouring out of the side of his mouth. I call it barley sugar. And he is increasingly losing his sardonic attitude. And shitting himself.

And Lion Shield, you're up. Okay, I am... That unarmed guard. Yes. I'm... What That unarmed guard. Yes. I'm... What? Brave. Brave.

You don't want to get aggro from the people who can hurt you back, obviously, right? You're managing aggro. What? Yeah, look, have you not played... Okay, look, I'm going to cast Scorching Ray on the help's little bugger. So that's a 10 plus 6 is 16. Does that hit? Yes.

It's a challenge. One eighth. It's for 25 experience points. So that's two and six. That's eight damage. Plus three and three. That's another six. That's 14.

Plus five and four is nine. And then I do an extra round because of that. That is six. That's 20 damage. Okay. So to be clear, a crossbow bolt, one of the crossbows of the guards holds brakes, but the other one plings off a bar

and just grazes the side of Lion Shield's sleeve as he turns around, and for a second the torchlight shines in his glasses so that his expression is impossible to see. The guard takes a step back, suddenly uncertain, as you turn forward to him and fire a concentrated blast out of your flame cannon underneath your sleeve. Ah, yes, at the one who does not have a weapon anymore.

Oh, okay. Not the one that hit you. And you destroy him, you obliterate him. Yes, burn, burn. You're a good boy. You're a good boy. I am a good boy. His friend attacked me, so he, you know, part of the feather, tar, you know. However, one of the vampires spawn, this time Isabella, charges forward with a scream and tries to grapple Bobby down to the ground.

She rolls a 19. Make an opposed strength check. Oh, gosh. Bye, dice. Yeah, have a new one. But can I make an uncanny dodge? Not for a strength check, no. She's not trying to damage you.

Okay, well, that was an eight plus... That's a seven. All right, and Bobby is pinned to the ground as Dorian spits out blood, walks forward and bites him in the neck Now it's just a vampire spawn But instead of taking eight hit points of damage I want you to lose eight of your maximum hit points What?

Until you've had a long sleep And if they bite you down to zero, you'll become a vampiric spawn yourself Mmm, salted caramel. The worst thing is, Ben knows the names of so many sweets. This could go forever. Lothario also seems to be getting stronger as he drinks, and the next one... Lothario? Dorian. Dorian, sorry, because it's Lothario's go. Okay.

I don't know if you saw before, but I threw away my sword. Does anybody have a spare weapon? I throw in my javelin. Wait, no, no, be very careful. Head first, obviously. No, no, no, I do it like, you know, the way your safety hold scissors. All right, you're a competent, you know what you're doing, Lothario, just make me a DC 10 dexterity check.

It's a four. You miss it and it goes into another one of the locked cells. Bobby Pancakes, you're up. Okay, so while I'm being grappled, so wait, Dorian's on me or Isabella's on me? Isabella's on you, Dorian's on me or Isabella's on me? Isabella's on you. Dorian's sucking your blood. Oh, goddamn. Do I have...

Am I... Can I... I'm still holding my piece of wood. Yes, you could try to attack with it, or you could try to break free. I'm going to try to attack. Okay. Is it a strength check, or...?

I just realised they're both distracted and they're doing something, so... Well, actually, are you stabbing Dorian? I guess whoever's... I mean, if I'm being grappled, it's probably easier to just go Isabella. They're both... Because he's sucking from you, so they're both clustered around you. Yeah.

Oh, well, I'll go him then. Okay, great. Well, not because you have advantage. Okay. Good, because that was a seven. Oh, that's a one. Okay. But you're lucky, aren't you?

Swing, swing, swing. Oh, yeah, I'm lucky. I get to roll again. You do. Oh, God. A seven again. Cool. This, yeah, I'm lucky. I get to roll again. You do. Oh, God. A seven again. Cool. This dice is broken.

Filled. All right. I'm mad now. Salted caramel send me over the edge. All right. Three attacks. I'm going to... How close am I to the wood?

There's wood all over the ground, yeah. Okay, so can I scoop up a piece of wood in each hand? Your warhammer also seems to be doing damage. Oh, okay. Good then. Then I'm just going to attack Dorian and try and knock him off Bobby and smash him into the nearest wall. I'll let you do that for one of your attacks

and then you can also hit him as well if you want. So make a strength check quickly. He rolled a 12. Great, I beat him. You get advantage on your strength checks. I already beat him. Because he has a mystery. So Phil suddenly bull rushes Dorian and he goes pinwheeling over Bobby,

smashing into a stone bench behind him. And you can follow that up with an attack. And then I pick up the stone bench and I crush him with it. Make an attack. Big Looney Tunes energy. I love it. And another attack is your frenzied. Yep. Yep, 19 in the second attack.

Yep, alright. Okay, that's D10 plus 4. Plus gravity. Seven. Okay. It doesn't do as much damage as your magical weapons, but he's embarrassed. Oh!

And that's what he says. And... What do you call stone benches? I just call them a bench. I have an owie. The last guard with the crossbow throws his crossbow to the ground and races upstairs.

Oh, no, he doesn't. Triggering, we will say, a reaction attack from a light shield banknote. I'm going to... Does Ray and Frost freeze people in their tracks? Yeah. Let me tell you, if you cast it on him, he'll probably stop moving. Yes, yes, yes.

Freeze. 15 plus 6, 21. Does that hit? That hits, yep. Frozen. I want him frozen. I time it. How much damage does it do?

It doesn't matter. I want to... It might matter. Oh, oh. Oh. Okay. damage does it do? It doesn't matter. I want to It might matter. Oh, oh. Uh, ooh, okay. Oh,

Dave, I don't want to kill him. Oh, don't you? Uh, what's that? Seven and not thirteen? You murder him. No! Oh! Best one, you're up. Um, so there's a

boy vampire under a bench. Who's now bleeding and it looks like his arm is broken. Right. But he's still up. And there's the girl vampire too. Yeah, she screams in shock and surprise as Filch kicks her over. Well, look. I don't know if this is very PC, but die.

Die a thousand deaths. this is very PC, but die. Die a thousand deaths. I hit her with one thing and do six points of damage. Six points of damage, alright. She is also in pain. That was your magical weapons, was it? Yes. Alright, and Lion Shield

Begno, now it's your actual turn. Well, I mean, the two helpless ones are dead, so who's left? Well, I guess it's either the vampires or your friends. Oh, I see. Is the one under the bench immobilised? It looks like its arm is broken, but as a vampire it doesn't seem to be in too much pain.

Yes. I stroll over to... Don't use the word stroll in a combat situation. It makes you sound like a psychopath. Okay, I skip over then, Dave. La la la la la. Phil Collins is playing in the background.

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. And I pull out my gun and just rub it on this vampire's teeth. You know the ones that he would usually use to bite? I'm just and just rub it on this vampire's teeth. You know, the ones that he would usually use to bite. I'm just going to rub it.

This is stolen valor. Filch did all of this. Ha ha. Yes. Not so strong now, are you, Mr. Pyre? Hmm. Are you going to shoot him or are you trying to intimidate him? I'm trying to intimidate him.

Okay, make an intimidation check. 14 plus charisma, is it? Yes. 17. Okay, well, he doesn't like that. And he hisses at you, but you can see that his facade is cracking and he's in truth scared of you, possibly, because he still thinks that you can materialise garlic in his collar.

Cool, alright. Call off your sister! I'll never call off sister, dearest. Alright, I pull the trigger. I pull the trigger. I gave you a chance, alright? Austerio, whatever your name is. You all saw me give him the chance.

Alright, make your attack. What's the armour class of the back of his fucking throat, Dave? Come on! Honestly! You know Dave? Come on. Honestly. You know what? Fuck it. Maximum damage. How much does it do?

Hell yes. I don't know. I guess. I actually don't know how to use a gun, to be honest. That hasn't stopped so many people. Oh, that's 10. Plus... Maximum damage. Yeah, that's 10 damage. Ooh. Yeah, that's 10 damage. Oh, that's 10. Plus... Maximum damage.

Yeah, that's 10 damage. Ooh. Yeah, that's 10 damage. Oh, I got 10 anyway. Okay, great. So that's... What is that? Like a...

Dorian goes white. His eyes roll up and it's impossible to say whether it is some kind of undead terror or indeed death, but he goes slump still. Isabella at that point screams and rushes forward to grab him,

trying to barrel Lion Shield out of the way. She makes an 18, make a strength check. Ooh. I mean, that's a one is what that is. Yeah, it's a big old... A wisp of a girl just knocked you over. That's a critical failure as you're picked up by the girl that only moments ago Eden was worried about being too PC about

and she throws you over the cell through the door slamming it open and you collapse on the stairs. Ah could you get my sword while you're in there please? Get my javelin please. I'll look into it yes ma'am. She picks up her brother Dory and slumps him over his shoulder and starts to skitter up the stairs

towards a grate on the door. Now Lothario you still have a chance to react because you haven't had your action yet. He's pretty like, honestly, he's unarmed and he's a bit of a wimp. Okay. His reaction is, and stay out! Gosh, we showed them what for, didn't we, comrades?

We showed them all what for. You know, sometimes all that it takes is a little bit of... Shut up! And the vampires have escaped and the room is yours. Oh, no. Perhaps it is not the last that we have seen of Dorian and Isabella. But they've escaped back up the stairs into the main room of the castle, right?

It's a great leading out into the grounds outside the castle. Oh, there's a back door? Very high up there is, yeah. Oh, they flew through it? No, she climbed like a spider up the wall. Oh, creepy, gross. Do we know where Pomplamoose is then? Well, he's raced up into the house.

And don't forget there are guards and servants and a houndmaster and all sorts of people up in the house. Right now, you're okay. Probably a cook. Yeah, probably a cook. Probably like a cleaner.

Yeah, there could be. At least one. There could be at least, it could possibly be more than one cleaner. Foot man. Scullery maid. Yep.

So he's the great open. Could be people just on a tour. No, I don't think. Of the castle. In old times. just on a tour of the castle. And then a tour guide as well, so that's another person there could be. In old times, what do you call the guy who would jack off the horses

to... That's called a spunkmeister. Yeah. Sorry, spunkmeister. An animal husband. Spunkmeister general. Yeah, that's where the German last name spunkmeister comes from. Okay, good to know. Is there one of them, Dave?

Hey, guys. So do we want to, like, escape now? Real quick, me reckon. Real quick. Yeah, I mean, everyone know we here. Big Boss know we here. While you're talking, Lothario is gingerly taking a broom handle and is sort of scraping his sword out of the cell.

I've got it. I've got it. It's fine. It's fine. Is the grate open up the top? It is, but it's sword out of the cell. I've got it. I've got it. It's fine. It's fine. Is the grate open up the top? It is, but it's... Yes, you could. You could.

You'd have to climb up the walls. Can somebody throw me up there? I have spider climb if you'd like me to. Oh, go for it. So if you climb up there... What are you going to do when you come face to face with vampires? Let's just hash this out for a sec. One of them's already intimidated by me

and the other one, she did overpower me very easily. No, this is good. Throw down a rope to us and then we can climb out and escape because otherwise we go through the main thing of the castle. People will be there.

It'll suck. Yes, there could also be some kind of... Don't you fucking dare. There could be... He says to Filch, what other sort of people are in castles sometimes? King? Filch?

There could be a Filch up there. Sorry, you trying to get into the riff we just did? Yeah. Just to be as I understand, what Lothario was trying to do there is he was trying to be part of a riff that the players of Dragon Friends were doing suggesting that he, in moments somehow, is able to code switch between the game and the table.

Is that what you're suggesting? A planeswalker. Okay, so, Lion Shield banknote. Okay, so Lion Shield banknote Skitters like a spider up and Throws down a rope as you all Haul your way Yeah, I hate that

Now to be clear, that's the sound he's making with his mouth as he climbs up the wall So unfair that the podcast Don't get to see the faces that he is making And even as the Last of you climbs up the rope It's so unfair that the podcast don't get to see the faces that Ing is making. And even as the last of you climbs up the rope, you see the doors slam open as guards rush down the stairs. The last one through is... You were the first one through. The last one through is...

So do I need to throw down a rope or is that fine? That all works. That all works. Dave did it with narrative. Oh, sorry. At Bastogne you clang the great back in place just in time. Ha ha. And you find yourselves in a quiet

for now courtyard just outside Daggerford Castle. But you can just hear LaCroix being like, guards please take them over. Please don't tell anybody about this. So are we outside the walls of the castle? Yes, you are. Any sign of the vampires?

Not that you can see. You're out in the courtyard near the commons outside Daggerford Castle. Okay, so we need to get... Bobby just starts running. Dingle dropper over here. But which direction, dude? Back to the woods? Downhill?

Yeah. Back to town? Downhill because it's easier. There's like a teleport circle. Maybe we could teleport. We're not going anywhere. What are you talking about? I have a mission that I swore.

Well, our mission is to get you. Well, I guess we have different missions then. Not everybody has the same mission. What's your mission then? Some have missions that... Hey, fuckface, shut up. We can talk about it later when we're not outside the castle we just escaped from. I just want to say that when we get some peace and quiet,

me want to hear the finish of all of these songs. Every single one. I have lodgings in town. We could lay low there. You were telling us about your mission. I presume you're telling it to us running, right? Are you telling it to us now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're running down the hill, over the bridge, past the crocodile. All right, guys. West wing. Walk and talk. Wow. Have you been here long enough to know about the red houses? Nope. I believe someone may have mentioned that to us yesterday.

When we were... Yesterday? Whenever it was. When I was pretending to be a prisoner. I was sent here by the resistance to investigate the red houses. And I was so close to finding it out, me and my man. I have a mercenary that I hired.

We're sort of friends, you know. It's nice. You're allowed to have employees. Why do you make everything sound so pathetic? No, no, this is good. We need to know what his weaknesses are. We staked it out for days, these red houses. Men and women of Daggerford go in,

marched in by LeCroy's men. In the morning, they come out dazed without any memories. And then, once every full moon, a shipment leaves the Red House. Where it goes, well, that's what I was trying to find out. Two days before the shipment was ready to go, I was captured. And where are your mercenary, Fred? At my lodgings.

I mean, also, we can just say Fred. Because it's a walk and talk at that point, he goes, at my lodgings, and then there's a cut, and he stops, and he's outside the door of a tenement building, because that's a transition, motherfucker. Nice transition. Thank you very much. You know, it's not much to live in a house.

It's not much to live in a house. Yes? Oh, no. No one's stopping you this time, man. Look at this. It's Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow. Go for it, guys. But if you live in a house with a mouse,

you could find that you make some friends. Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends are very good to friend. Climbing to the second floor. Key change. See, we live in a house. I see your house got a wall and three others. A wolf and three others What makes it better than A wolf and three others

Is the friends that live inside Knock on the door Rap, rap, rap And the door opens to reveal the pristine face His ethereal beauty reminiscent of all of his race It is a man who is also an elf A half-elf if you will Clad in mercenary gear with a huge bow on his back

and a sword at his side. It is the half-elf mercenary elf, Shonling. And to play that elf, welcome to the stage, Scott Huntington. Shonling. I'm sorry, I was trying to get you in earlier. They started singing a song. It was a whole thing. I heard it from inside.

Willkommen. Hallo. So there's an elf? Yeah, so he's a half-elf. Classically beautiful, elven features, long hair, big bow, long sword, mercenary clothes. He's dressed much more ruggedly and practically than Lothario. He looks like a sword for hire. Shawnee, it's me and I bought some

friends. Ah, friends. Welcome back, buddy. Yes, you see sort of a buddy situation. Yeah, me heard how he called you buddy. Yeah. So these are friends you've been telling me about all this time? Oh, uh, uh, uh, fuck. The ones you've been friends with since you were children at school?

No, no, those are different, they go to a different school, different sort of place in a different city. But no, these are some chums that uh that busted me out of the clink you see uh

quick quick dragon huddle if you might um wait wait wait you can call dragon huddles now okay quick uh

quick quick exclusionary huddle then um I think these guys might be lame-os why do you think that? Uh, I mean, one of them's cosplaying like an elf. And the other one's clearly lying about having friends, you know.

It's, um, I mean, not that I would, I mean, I just got some experience doing that. And, uh, frankly, game recognise gay. You see them as fulfilling the same position as yours in the dragon friends and therefore feel threatened. Exactly. I feel like we've already got a banknote. We don't need two, let alone three of these guys.

Well, we don't even have the banknote that we like the best. Oh, I see. I feel like I've really rolled into some sort of dragon's dead of friendship here. Well, look, let me tell you, I'd like to offer you a 30% stake in my friendship for, oh, I don't know,

ooh, what can I give you? Ooh, do you want that, do you want Bushu D2? Is Bushu still around? He sort of starts rummaging in a backpack that he's wearing and pulls out an incredibly filthy robotic, like a picture of a Roomba with a flamethrower that is sentient.

It has been so dark for so long. Why? That has been in there for two years. Bushu D2. If me get Bushu D2, yes, you can become a full member of Dragon Friends with all associated privileges. That cool, guys? Yeah, it's basically almost getting killed and huddling once in a while, so...

Oh, what? I know, I would love... Really? Would you ask me? Yes, of course. Take him, take him. Gibby, Gibby, Gibby, Gibby. Hi, Bushu. You want to be a Dragon Friend? No strings attached. Oh, come on! Hi, Bushu. You want to be a dragon friend?

No strings attached. Oh, come on! Meanwhile, outside this fucking shotgun to the heart is a room in the tenement that is a classic picture, if you will, a police stakeout, only fantasy-like. So there's two beds, there's some takeout in a cardboard box, and there is a tripod with a pair of binoculars pointing at what used to be Rivershine Hall just across the road, although now it looks like a far more

dark and foreboding place with a logbook next to it. Gosh, Shawnee, we had some times in here, didn't we, on our stakeout? Me? Shawnee, I call you Shawnee. It's a fun friend thing. Ah, yes, of course, yes. It's been interesting up here, just the two of us. I'm glad that your friends are here now,

although they are in a circle behind you, talking quite a long time. Yes, you know, they do that. It's sometimes working out to give me a gift or a party that I don't necessarily know about. Well, why don't you come in? I have prepared a little meal. It's a mouse soup.

Of course, yes. So I guess you go in and have some mouse soup on your stakeout. In the world, is mouse soup gross or is mouse soup cool? Because in our world, obviously, mouse soup, not great. Better options. In fantasy world, who knows? I think mouse soup is pretty weird unless you're like maybe a goblin. Or a cat.

Or a cat. None of them. So we know of. So real world rules apply to mouse soup. And just to check, it's a one for check, it's not just like a Welsh rabbit. It's not like a name for something that's actually delicious. It's a bowl of stagnant water with a dead mouse in it. Wait, wait, wait.

Welsh rabbit or Welsh rarebit? Because rarebit's cheese, isn't it? I think it's a mispronunciation of rabbit. It's like you couldn't afford to get a rabbit, so you soaked some cheesy bread in beer and that's how it's... To be clear, you have stayed, you were under strict instructions that even if Lothario left,

you would stay and maintain the stakeout, which is why you are here. Yep. The two of you had come to Daggerford to investigate, as you said, the Red House. I think I hired him once I got to Daggerford. Okay. How did that work? I just went to an inn and like a mercenary for hire.

And that's when you two met each other, your best friend. Yeah, I mean, they don't know that. Okay. And just so we're clear, this mercenary relationship, that hasn't changed. You're still paying him. Well, you don't know that. Well, I think I may have mentioned it to Phil. But no, just to be clear, Lothari's paying his best friend.

I don't think I ever said best. Do you feel a little bit like you're under trial right now? Yeah. Dave, Baston's going to

look through the binoculars across the street at Rivershine Hall. Okay. No! And I slap your hand away. Hey.

Hey. Don't do that. Don't slap me. Why would you do that? I just wanted to look at these. You have to say please. It's a rule of the house. Okay, can I please look through these binoculars?

Yeah. What are the other rules of the house? Yeah. How many are there? There are seven rules of the house? Yeah How many are there? There are seven rules of this house There are seven rules of this house Shawnee, tell them I mean

Surely there'd be some sort of song to remember them by Yeah, surely Seven Number one You must have the fun. Number two, eat my mouse stew. Number three, come with me upstairs and if you stay, please, you can look at number four. Through the monocle, number five, at the red house, jive to my bedroom, where I can show you a little good time

if you're an eight or above. Now there's two rules left. There's two rules left. All right. Wow. But I'll tell you later. It was one of the rules you had to do a jive. Bilge is jiving.

Yeah, Poppy as well. Bilge stick like. Is the jive constant? It's uncomfortable and it's tick like. She's tuckering herself out. Elf shonling. Is your name Elf? When you said you wanted to play Elf Shonling,

did you mean you wanted to play the Elf Shonling? Elf is... My parents named me after a number. Okay. Because I'm very beautiful. All right. Yeah. What number is Elf?

Elf? It's Flosen for eleven. What's your last name? Schoenling. It just means beautiful man. Eleven beautiful man. Eleven beautiful. I just call him Shonny because we're pals.

Yes, we are. You call him by Shawnee because we're pals. Yes, we are. You call him by his surname because you're pals. I have a question. I didn't get all those rules because they were mixed in with songs, so I got carried away by the beat. Is it okay if I look through these binoculars? Yes, you may. Bastard is jiving uncomfortably as he says this.

What's across the street? So, as I said, it's focused on the Red House, Rivershine Hall. Okay. Is the Red House... And there's a logbook next to it that shows comings and goings. A logbook is just outside the house. No, no. Next to the binoculars.

Oh, next to the binoculars. The concept of binoculars is that they show things from a great distance. I was like, there's a logbook next to the binoculars. Oh, next to the binoculars. The concept of binoculars is that they show things from a great distance. I was like, there's a logbook next to the door. If we steal that logbook, we'll know who's in charge. And it looks small here, but that must mean it's massive. What colour is the house? They were going to say, what colour is the logbook? And I was going to lose my mind.

The house has been repainted. Rivershine Hall used to be painted gold. It has now been painted a deep dark ochre. Ochre. Wow, it really is a red house. Huh. Mystery solved. Shoneling walks and looks over your shoulder and he says, yes, every night.

Yes, I have written it down in my logbook. Every night. People go in to the Red House. Yeah. And in the... Wait, sorry. Sorry. Are you doing his voice? That's quite rude.

I didn't mean... It was a sympathetic thing. I didn't realize what I was doing. No, that's okay. Okay. I don't mind. Okay, cool. In the mornings, I come out pale and pallid which is the same thing but last night just last night people came in but out came a wagon this

is what we've been waiting for and you saw it yes it was covered completely covered I couldn't see what was inside. But it went north. North? To Flossen. North to Flossen? Ah. We thought it'd be going to Waterdeep or maybe Barovia, but Flossen? That's all I could see from my little window. And he points and taps at his little meticulously kept logbook. Look, I don't want to second guess such a good friend.

But are you sure, Flowson? Not only that, he tells you, but since since that wagon left, no one has gone in and no one has gone out. The lights have gone out in the windows and the building seems abandoned. And what do you suspect going on? What do you think they're doing with these people making them all dopey

and sending them in a wagon, like mice for the vampire snake to eat or something? What do we feel in here? My soup! And I go downstairs. One theory could be vampires, classically pale. They're probably sending them in there, they're getting all bitten, blood sucked out, that kind of thing.

Red house. Red. Blood is red. It's all making sense. Yes. Yes, they're getting all bitten, blood sucked out, that kind of thing. Red house. Red. Blood is red. It's all making sense. Yes, they could be. I actually think this jiving helping me deductive abilities. Yes, that is a theory that the resistance was working on,

that they were taking their blood, or if you prefer, their salted caramels. Don't! Sherberts. Sherberts, they're humbugs. No cross-character pollination, please. Well, if it's empty, let's go and check it out. So you're going to head... You're going to go to Floson?

Yeah, Bobby walks down the stairs and... Hang on, are you going to... Are we going to Floson or are we going to Red House? Red House. You little hot-headed boy. We've got to keep up with you. Yeah. No, if that shipment has left for Flowson when?

Two nights ago? Last night. No, I saw it last night. Six hours ago, in fact. We don't have any time. I've got to get to Flowson right now. Do I still have friends and stuff in Flowson? I don't know who you are.

Sorry, I should have done with that out of character. Because Magnolet's from Flowson, isn't he? Yes, you are. Sorry, I should have done with that out of character. What? Because Magnolias is from Flushing, isn't he? Yes, you are. So why don't you have a German accent? I mean, I've shed it.

I spent a long time. It's called code switching, you see. That's a joke for people who grew up in one culture. Anyway. Ah, yes. But if we went to Flosson, I could maybe help us out.

I believe there's a distillery there that I still run, yes? Well, you... No, you've been kicked out, don't forget. You've lost a brother to the house. Now I'm very sad. You were paid out for it. You have a lot of money. Yes, I have a lot of money. But you...

And you probably still do have friends in Flosson. But do you remember the business with the Lormingtons and you burnt down their of money. Oh, yes, I have a lot of money. And you probably still do have friends in Flowson. But do you remember the business with the Lormingtons and you burnt down their stills? Oh, yes, yes, yes. All of that has happened. Some bad business has happened. But they're six hours ahead of us. We'll never be able to catch them.

So let's go and investigate the Red House and then we can, I don't know, teleport there or something. Move in? You keep saying you're going to teleport there or something. I mean, he said it before. There's teleports in the temples and stuff. At the Temple of Mystra.

There is, but that won't take you to Floson. That would... If you could talk to the... There's no direct teleport? Well, interestingly enough, and I say interesting knowing that some of you will not find this interesting, but the way teleportation works in D&D

is through a system of circles. Each circle has a unique system of runes, usually six or seven characters, and I'm boring myself. Soup's ready! So, short answer, no, you can't go to Flo's in that way. Tell me, Elf, why mouse soup? Surely you could get a beef or something.

Well, it's an ancient recipe from my hometown. Actually, I heard a bit of an accent. You didn't quite lose it. Oh, ja. Also, wenn du möchtest, wir könnten uns auf unserer Heimat Sprache unterhalten, wenn du möchtest. Ja, ja.

Ja, absolut. Erzähl doch mal, erzähl doch ein bisschen von dir. Ich möchte gerne wissen, woher du kommst. Je suis a big fan of Bayern Munich.

I think your friend is not all that he seems. Yeah, he's quite the swivel cop. As plate after plate of rancid water, each with a tiny mouse, is placed on stools in front of you, let us now leave.

This humble group of mercenaries sworn to bring Lothario windswept back, but already finding that life is more tricky than that. What of this mysterious red house? Where have the people inside it gone? And what of this wagon covered as it was on the road to Flosson?

And what dark secrets does it portend? What of those two twins? And where have they gone? For the answers to questions such as this and many others, please tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you!

The Dragon Friends are Thank you! This week was Scott Huntington. Shakira Khan designs our websites. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney. Until next time. Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle. Bobby Pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was he?

Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Where's Banknard? Hugh runs his pop-up company me, the dark lord's trust A very naughty man Finally together The life of hope we call The Dragon Friend Oh, I'm Dave Harmon, aka Dungeon Dave, aka With Protest D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d I can't. I can't say it. Say it. Say it.

Say it. Dungeon Daddy Dave. Anyway. There's that boner.