Dragon Friends - #6.04. We Unpack Later with a Professional with Scott Huntington

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

Chasing their one lead, The Dragon Friends find themselves in the Flotian Estates. Tensions flare as they realise just how much, and perhaps how little between them has changed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We did have to give a prize away, so I think that I'm going to give a prize to the person that told us who Discord was and then we mocked them about business apps for roughly 10 minutes. Runs his puppets, comfort me The dark lost trust He's a very naughty man I'll be together The life of hope we call the Dragon The town of Daggerford, major arterial hub through which much of the commerce of the sword coast churns. Once crowded with caravaniers and cavaliers alike, the main streets are now as empty and silent as the grave. What just happened. What? What just happened? Alex just drank a cocktail like a little lizard. Work really hard on these

intros. Yeah, they're good. I was listening. That was my listening cocktail drinking face. Foreign trade has been all but eliminated. Migratory practices banned. These lands that once were free belong only to Strahd and the agents

who do his bidding. This is a silent place now. On the plus side, though, it's great for a home invasion. The dragon friends think to themselves as they descend the stairs of the dusty tenement that was once Lothario's safe house making their way to the red house a house that was once bustling with uh petitioners it seemed dagafordians who would come late at night only to leave in the

morning their eyes glazed their visage pall, their faces huddled and sad. Now, however, it seems abandoned as the doors creak open. Bobby, you lead the way into an empty room. Empty, that is, save for rows upon rows of metal and wooden tables. Beds, in fact, it looks like, on wheels. Oh, sorry, tables. Sleep tables. Sleep tables. Beds, in fact, it looks like, on wheels. Oh, sorry, tables. Sleep tables. Sleep tables. So there's wood, but it's also metal, and there are beds, but there are tables, and the room's empty, but they're in it, and I'm doing my best. What was once Rivershine Hall now looks as if it is a triage station.

Beds laid in intervals around the room. Sheets of surgical... Sheets. Abandoned in a corner. And nothing else. No guards, no patients. It seems that the entire place has been stripped down, save for the four of you. Dave Simon, growing here. I play Bobby Pancakes.

Just a quick question, because I wasn't paying attention. In the first half, did you set up something where I'm turning into a vampire? No, you were bitten by a... So you've lost six maximum hit points because you were bitten by a vampiric spawn. Oh, cool, cool, cool.

And when do I get those back? When you take a long rest. When you take a long rest. I think we've been here before, haven't we? We have. It's where you murdered a man. Who was the man? A magician. No, a musician. No, a musician. A musician.

The world has lost a tune. And that's what makes him different. I'm a very good boy. I believe last time we were here there was some sort of secret room upstairs perhaps. No? You're thinking of the house of the family. Oh, this is different to that.

Yes. This is just a dance hall, right? This is where the wedding was. You're thinking of Hoffman House. Oh, yes, yes. I remember this, yes. Did you kill a musician in Hoffman House? No, you killed a musician at the wedding.

Yes, no. The musician I killed in Hoffman House was in a... We're just going to take a big map of Daggerford. We'll cross out every building that he hasn't killed someone in. I'll do an investigation check. Lothario's there, isn't he? Yes. This makes no sense. This makes no sense at all.

There were guards here. It was locked down for weeks while we monitored it. It's completely empty. I got a 19 for a check around A looky look You know, a CFing Typically you roll after you say what you're rolling for

You did an investigation check and you got a 19 What if you want to be fancy about it? Yes Quickly, Bobby scoots through the sheets in the corner And you find... I'm a ghost! A lot of sheets, I suppose, if you want, but you also find a heavy lead-stopped vial.

Abandoned, it seemed, by accident. A lead-stopped vial. Can I see what's inside it? It looks like, if there is indeed a liquid inside, it looks like it must be really tarry and smoky. You can unstopper it if you want to have a look. Should we give it a whiff? I'm calling it. I think it's blood.

Probably blood. Do you want to open it? Yeah, I'll open it. You crack the wax seal on it and you pop the cork and there is a hiss as a heavy smoke seems to waft all around you, Bobby Bobby and as you look at it and

indeed as the rest of you see the smoke sort of consumes Bobby for a second and then forms into a cloud in front of him and forms a small scene. Ben. Yeah the scene is like smoke figurines. You can see the shape of a man. I need an occupation. You can see the shape of a man. You can see the shape of a horse running away from the man. The man's like sort of sitting on the ground as if he's been thrown from the horse

and he's like waving his little smoky fist at the horse and you can hear from him in smoky tones, like, oh, my horse got away! And then it just dissipates. Is this like fantasy YouTube? Fantasy Vine, because it's only six seconds. TikTok now. I'm showing my age.

No, so the... It disappears, it dissipates, but as it does, you breathe in a little bit of it, and you feel revitalised, and in fact, you lose the vampiric spawn. Sweet, dude. Hit point loss. It's a fat vape rip. And now... But now it seems the bottle is empty.

Okay. You stole my horse. Is Elf with us? Elf is with you, yes. What, uh, Elf, what do you make of all of this? Well, I didn't see much in the way of smoke when I was looking. All I saw were people going in and coming out. But I'm not sure.

I'm not sure, to be honest. What about these sleep tables? Or these munching beds? I can't tell the difference Oh come on that fucking rule That was good Hell yeah See these are like trolley beds

But they're all empty And they're Are those sheets clean or soiled? Have they been slept in or stripped down? Everything's been stripped down and the sheets in the corner are soiled. But not with blood, I should say, just with a bit of dirt

and heavy use. Urine? And what? Urine? I'm what? No, no, as in... As in... It's a real who's up first. As in pee, Dave. Pee. Oui, oui.

I'm sorry. Clearly I'm the fool for thinking that was a serious question. Piss, or as some people call it, God's cum. Oh, boy. Make for me an investigation check. I'll do you one better, Dave. I'll make an Arcana check. That's a one?

I shall do an investigation check. Okay. Seven. Okay, well, that was a trick, because now you've both just spent, like, five minutes rooting around in a pile of filthy sheets, pressing them up against your faces to see if you can detect any wee.

Dave. Or as some call it, don't. Dave, are there other rooms? Is there like a back room, catering facilities, a basement? God's come. I do not like that at all. There are, but all of the rest of the rooms, again, it looks like the place has been emptied out.

God's come sounds like a curse, like a Shakespearean curse. God's come! God's come, get in here! And that's the origin of scum. Yeah. You know, when I was learning to play the saxophone, I just... No, no, no, Dave.

I don't get to play this game very often. The point is we're meant to play it now. Oh, Dave, and you think your little game is more important than Ben's saxophone story? I was going to say, I was learning to play the saxophone, David. And I was learning to do like jazz improv. Jazz improv? And I was learning to do, like, jazz improv. One of the things that... Jazz improv? You're like, look, just...

Oh, I was imagining something different. My teacher was like, if you make a mistake while you're playing and improvising, just do it again and again and again and it'll become a motif. And I kind of feel like I've carried that through. Is that just comedy's rule of threes? Yeah, but anyways it is, yeah. Dave, what does Bastogne notice?

Are you... So the attendant rooms to the side of Rivershine Hall look like there were desks have been placed in, but they are also empty. Crates and crates of lead-stoppered vials are still to be found in the building, but otherwise you don't see anything else. With the tarry smoke stuff in them? No, these ones are all empty.

You went to a horse trip, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, I did. So it seems that there's nothing else here. Is there a stable? Do we know if there's a stable nearby? There is a stable, yeah. So you head down to the Rivershine Hall stable

and you see that the horses, it's empty. There are no horses there. But you can see also huge wheel marks, track marks leading out of the stable. And by the depth of them, it looks like it was carrying a heavy load. It appears there's nothing left for us here. Bobby, breathe out.

Sorry? Breathe out. Did a horse come out? No, Scott, a horse did not come out. It's always good to ask. Worth a try. I say God's come loudly three times. God's come! It's catchy. It's always good to ask Worth a try I say God's come loudly three times God's come

It's catchy It's catchy I think if we track these wheels The tracks It can only lead us to one place So typically at that point Eden Someone will say what the place is. But I...

That's how it's like... Oh, it's a character choice, is it? Yeah, that's right. I know. I will find familiar. I'm summoning Hawk Flappy. Can you say that? Bwa-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Bwa-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Sorry. Now, you want to talk to me after you get that rumba piece of shit in the other side, right? That's fine. I'm cool. Yeah, so to be clear, actually, Flappy... Come on now.

Flappy's not Booshu. Flappy didn't disappear to the Feywild. Flappy's watched you imprint on another pet. That's fine with me. That was... Okay, how am I going to do this sensitively? Flappy, feelge love you very much. You so...

You love another than me. Oh, Bushu, now hear the thing. You two think each other enemies, but in fact, you two are going to be wonderful friends. I will burn him. I'm going to shoot him the second I get the chance. I'm going to fight him. No, I don't want you to fight him. He has fire.

Robot versus bird. Robot versus bird. No, we're not going to do robot versus bird. We're not. Flappy, if you'd like someone to train you on how to kill the robot, I know all of his secrets. No, Flappy, I do not want you talking to that man. Hey, guys, do you know what's cool as shit?

A hawk with a flamethrower. Ah, yes, we'll combine them. Now I should say that none of you can understand this except for Filch. So all you can hear from, well you can hear Booshu. Filch talks like Filch, back to Flappy. That's true. But Flappy talks like an air horn. Like an air horn, yeah.

Flappy, I have a very important job for you. A job that Booshu can't do. I failed. No. But Bushu, I have a job for you here. Oh. Both of you very precious to me. Okay, Flappy, I need you to follow those wheel tracks and tell me where they go.

Okay, I'll use my wings to fly there. Well, you don't need to rub it into Bushu's face like that. I can use my wings to fly anywhere I want because I'm not a stupid fucking loomer. Alright, off you go. And Bushu. Anyone got a job for Bushu? I've got these marshmallows here. Bushu, we have some marshmallows that are dangerously

untoasted. Please, can you help us? I will burn them. Burn them. It's not easy being a Pokemon master, is it? Alright, what are you doing? Burning some marshmallows.

Let's assume that the marshmallows have been eaten, the mouse soup is eaten. Where did you send him off to? He's following the wagon wheels. I think we should probably head to Frozen, I believe. I mean, otherwise, there's nothing left for us here. They've cleared this whole place out. And they'll be looking for us as well.

We don't have mode of transport. That's our bargain. If you take me to Floson and help me unravel the mystery of the Red Houses, I will return back and try and reform the resistance. Why this more important than that? Oh, because it was your mission. Who gave you that mission? Who you answer to?

I answer to an idea. I answer to an idea. And that idea is a man. His name is Janos Mir. Well, Janos Meir. Well, Janos Meir gave us... We got the same idea, man. We don't have the same mission. I've already been through this.

But the same man gave us our mission. So it's clear that Lothario is not going to abandon his mission to discover what Strahd is up to with these red houses. This mission got him trapped in Daggerford Castle, and if you can help him uncover it, he is agreeing to go back to Waterdeep with you. Otherwise, you're going to have to lock him. If you tie

him up, you can take him, but if you want him to come of his own free will... Do we got to go to Flowson? Yes, I think we should go back to Flowson. Yeah, let's go. It's fun there. There's lots to do. Floson is still... The bars stay open later than they do here. Yeah, just get another couple of hours.

It's nice. It'll be nice. Floson is only about six hours walk from Daggerford. It's still part of the surrounds of the town. And as you make your way up the high road, you make good time heading north towards that cluster of independent brewers. Six hours is so long to walk.

They're adventurous. Yeah, but it's not very long to develop a whole new accent. But also, but also... Is that not what he sounded like? Huh? Huh? I don't want to call you also a little inner city baby, Ben, but like, they're adventurous, they sleep rough, they hunt their own food, they go into dungeons...

I've never seen them do any of these things. I've seen them talk to people in rooms and kill them. You make good time heading north to that cluster of independent brewers, vintners and good old families known collectively as the Flossin Estates. Some of the best wines in the region are pressed in Flossin and some mediocre gins as well. Yes. picturesque houses dot the hills alongside immaculately laid vineyards and farms to the east the shadow of some of the largest stills sit idle and just to the north lies the old and venerable rutherglen house abandoned a year ago but you banknote but now showing signs of life there is smoke in the chimney light in the upper windows And there is a covered wagon parked by the door.

Excuse me a moment. I must away. And he goes and knocks on the door. All right. Knock, knock, knock. And the door is opened by a small, affable-looking gnome wearing a cravat and a dusty waistcoat and a plain iron ring, let's say. Oh, my good goodness, as I live and breathe,

it's only bloody Lila Banknot. Hey, honey, Lila Banknot's back. What? I said Lila Banknot's back. Oh, goody. And down trots her hair, a blonde mess, daffodil, Lormington, wife of Percy Lormington The gnomish patriarch of the Lormington family Who it seems are inside your familial home

Now I know how this looks It looks very bad, obviously, that we are in your house But look, you're back, so it's yours What's yours is yours, you know, Daffy? Like we say. We were given caretaker positions. What? Luxembourgian.

I have a medical condition. I'm really sorry to bring it up but I have a medical condition What is your medical condition? I go from parts of Europe and sometimes other parts and I really fucking fuck myself here It's alright, there's like a third people in that country We didn't lose anyone

Sorry, to be clear Your medical condition is you went to Europe. Is that your medical condition? Yeah, like I sometimes slip into other accents, you know. Okay, okay.

Vacate the premises. Come on, Laila. Like, we know each other. I saw you as a little baby on a leg. You do. Yeah, so Percy and Daffy are a husband and wife team, and they run what used to be the Lormington Stills,

which was the preeminent vodka generators in the Flossan Estates. I believe I firebombed them, though. Yes, you... Oh, is this like Vorta under... No, no, well, Percy doesn't know about this. So a year ago, it's true, you sent, using Bushu Ditu, you burnt down the stills, which was part of your coming into your own inheritance,

becoming a man in many ways, by murdering presumably innocent brewers. You did this, however, it was successful, it's made a lot of your fortune, but then you've been kicked out of Floson regardless because of the encroaching agents of Strahd. They don't know about this and now they are being paid a bursary by the Duke to caretake your house, which you've also, was mandatorily acquired. Which he does say. He says, look, this is like Orkwood, because obviously this is where you grew up.

Did he say Orkblood? Orkwood. No offence. Oh no, she's not there. Back note gestures for everyone to follow and come in. This looks like someone else's house. No, no, no, I promise you this is where I grew up. My bedroom's up there.

My father lives there. I used to. I know this house very well There's a toilet Yeah terrible business With your father What do you mean? Oh it's all just stuff

You know Him probably being dead Or Zep Daffy Like we were so sad We tried to send you a card Oh I cried and cried Yeah we tried to send you a card And then like we did it

Probably dismembered Yeah like His head in a different place. Yeah. To the rest. And knives in his eyes. Yeah, like maybe they took his... Also all of this business of him being an anti-government terrorist. We don't believe it.

Oh no, we don't. We think that's like... This is our cousin Ludwig. Yeah, Ludwig lives here. He's simple. Now, Dave. Dave, there's three people here. I guess there are. There's Percy.

Percy Lormington. Lormington. Davy Lormington. And there's Ludwig. Ludwig Lormington. Yes. And are they, what are they, commoners? People call me Lai Lai.

Yeah. They're kind of, they're commoners' strength? They're commoners' strength. As in, if you were to think about, if you were to sort of cast them on a scale of 1 to 10, what are they, like commoners' levels, what are they? What is 10? I don't know, 10's probably me, I guess.

You're the top of the scale. Well, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Well, they can be 15 then, if they're higher than that. Well, 10's probably me, I guess. You're the top of the scale. Well, I don't know. They can be 15 then, if they're higher than that. Well, let's average. Look, we'll peg it to me at 10. He looks like an affable man. You don't know anything about the plain iron ring on his finger. You don't know anything about the bulge in his pocket.

You don't know anything. Oh, grow up. Laila, please. Penis. Please, Laila, please. Penis. Please, Laila, come on in. Make an insight check for me. Ha, cha, cha. Bald check.

That is 13. No, he's a common man who is surprisingly well endowed. Your bedroom is just how you left it. My friends and I need a place to stay and we need to ask you some questions. Have you seen, have you at least seen a wagon go through here

laden with, we think, bodies? Yeah, of course. The wagon comes here once a month. Isn't that right, Daffy? Yeah, we empty it. What in the wagon? Hello, what in the wagon? Well, we just offload it

and another person takes it. But you offload it so you must... Yeah, building supplies. Building supplies. Yeah, like crates of things. You open a crate? No, we are under the most strict instructions not to open it, obviously. Me haven't introduced meself.

Oh, hello. Yeah, hello. So, me from the crate loaders. Me, one of the crate loaders. Wait, wait, wait. We're from the crate loaders. Me, one of the crate loaders. Wait, wait, wait. We're from the crate loaders union. We're the union of the crate loaders. The union of the crate loaders.

This is not a union job. No, no, we're from the international brotherhood of... International union. Yeah. We're here doing a tour of all the crates, and we'd like to see your latest shipment to see if it aligned with international standards of packing, because if they pack them too heavy, it's bad for the workers' backs.

So this is the union getting involved in an OH&S issue? Yeah. Yes, I believe so, yes. Yeah. We come and inspect. And who is this handsome elf next to? Oh. Yeah, the one handsome elf next to you? Yeah, the one that is next to this slightly less handsome man.

Ludwig is right there. I know, I know. Come on, guys. He's like a seven, a high seven. Wait, what? Wait, what the? What does that make me then? Do you want to step to me, you special little turd?

You want to step and take this outside? All right, because if I'm less handsome, I am less handsome than him. The truth hurts. You spent three years in the jungle. Don't crack this easily, bastard. Yeah, sorry about him. Yeah, I'm a local. I'm taking these crate inspectors through the town. And yeah, I'm here to sort of just, you know,

introduce the people that want to make the crates open. So yes, I, as someone that is from here, that is also, oh God, I have the accent thing now. What's happened to me? It's catching. You've got to watch out. Oh, my God, it's Elf Shani. Hi.

Hi. I am so embarrassed. I did not see that you were so beautiful. Do not worry at all. Imagine what did you put in these martinis. Now, I'm going to stop for a second and just see... Just break that? Yeah.

Did you slam the glass and then break it in your hand? I did. Are you going to just hold on to it so no one notices that you broke it? Well, no longer. There's blood trickling from his hand. Open your hand, Ben. Oh my God. Well, there goes the deposit.

Now make for me a deception check, Filch. Big time. I will make a deception check. I was helping with that, so can she have advantage? She can. DC 17. check, Filch. Big time. I will make a deception check. I was helping with that, so can she have advantage? She can. DC 17. Oh, goody. I just rolled it for you. You had to that. No, no, no. Alex rolls it. Blah, blah, blue.

11 is my highest one. With your charisma is plus zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not charisma. Probably should have let me handle that one. Should I have a go? Now, no. Yeah, what about... Filch, unfortunately, was taking us here, so Percy looks at you, Probably should have let me handle that one. Should I have a go? Filge, unfortunately, was taking us here. So Percy looks at you, Filge,

and then looks back at Lila Banknote and breaks into a big grin. Oh, Lila. You do not have to pretend that you have a thing going on here. This is your house. This is your place to live. So please come in. Come in. We kill?

Yes. No. That was a note that I wrote to you. Oh. On the paper. What's happened for the podcast? So Alex wrote me a note, and I thought that was our plan,

but I didn't see that she wrote a question mark at the end. So what you've said to Percy is... We started talking. So she wrote, we kill question mark, and I just read it out in, I guess, in character voice. Yeah. You thought question mark was like, finish this clue, and you said everybody. So Percy Lormington has said, please, please, you're a family friend, come inside. Banknote turns to Filch,

which really gives all the power to Filch in this situation because he simply says, we kill? And now critically, what does Filch reply? How close am I to them? I mean, close enough for him to shake your hand, which he's currently doing. Oh, no. These fuckers are agents of an evil vampire, just so we're clear.

They're the bad guys. How do we know that? How do we know that? Because they said... The audience is not on board with this murder. All it takes for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. Yes, exactly. Anti-government.

This is like, I've seen this movie a thousand times. You go to your old house, it's been taken over by the evil people, you've got to clean it out. It's fumigation people. I'm sorry, did you? They're vampires, come on. They're probably vampires. It's very bright and they're standing in the sun.

Was it daytime? They did, however, invite you in. So I guess it's like 50-50. Maybe we're vampires. Oh, shit. Hey, Dragon Idol. No, no, no. There's no time for a huddle because Bankno just said,

we kill. And now what does Filge reply? I'm going to grab Mr. Lormington. I'm going to slam him down on the ground. And I'm going to put my boot, not lethally, on the back of his neck. Ah, yes. All right, quickly make for me a strength check. Yeah, that's an 18.

He rolled a five. Okay. So you grab him and there's a crack as it seems like one of his ribs breaks as you smash him down onto the concrete and with a large hobnailed boot, you push it onto his neck as Ludwig screams and passes out, removing Dave from the scene. Ah, don't hurt my husband. Listen, we're the union guys we said we were before

We want to know everything you said about what's in those crates Or me putting the boot down more heavy on this guy And these boots have seen some shit in those crates or me putting the boot down more heavy on this guy. And these boots have seen some shit. So listen up. You tell me everything, including the kilogram maximum of what's in the crates, but also be very specific about who sent them, who they're going to, and what is really inside.

We don't know anything. We just unload. She starts to cry. I'm upset. I'm overwhelmed. Please, please get... I'll tell you everything I know. Just get off my neck. I need that to live.

You tell me why I'm on your neck. You tell me why. We don't have no time. Could you reduce the pressure just somewhat? A little bit, yes. Please think about his condition. He could change accents at any time. At any time.

It could go into some really bad territory if it strays outside Europe. The more pressure I apply, the geography expands. So please don't. Mamma mia.

Look, Please don't. Mamma mia. Look. Where the crate go after you unpack it? Look, okay, I'm going to leave a review here. And Laila, I'm sorry because I know that your father is a good man and I know... Is. Keep going. I know that he's not dead and I know that he's... Not dead. Okay, you need's... No, not dead.

Okay, you need to stop doing that. Look, we made a deal with LeCroy. We were destitute. Somebody burned down our stilts. It left us completely destitute. Our son, Wellington Lormington, died. You know how much he loved Welly. He died and, look,Croix came to us

with an offer. We know he's a bad man. But we take his shipment, we go and we take it to our stills in the burnt down area. They actually are still kind of operational for what they need. And we take the

product. I don't see anything of it but I'd send it that way. If you want to see what's happening, go to the burnout, but that's all I know. You want to join the resistance? Act as a double agent?

I'm kind of a coward. Okay, well, I mean, they've seen our faces now. Hang on one moment. I just remembered something else. I remembered something else. I remembered something else.

Did you? I'm quite brave and sure, yeah. This could be... Anyone else want any information for this guy while I got my boot on his neck? Hey, what happened? Tell us who bought the last shipment. I don't know.

It's just some guy. They change it every time. They look all pallid and milky and say... Why do they look so milky? Tell me! I don't fucking know. It's a different guy every time. Put the pressure on his neck. Do it. Why do they know? Tell me!

I put a bit more pressure on his neck. My God! Tell us! Alex, make for me a dexter his neck. My God. Tell us. Make, Alex, make for me a dexterity check, DC 15. So wait, wait, just so we're clear, if she beats 15, Ben has to do a racist accent. Is that what we're doing in here? Absolutely not.

That's not what this test is for. Come on. Let's go Chinese. Come on. Don't cheer that. 11 plus strength or dexterity? 13. Come on.

13. You snap his neck like a twig. No. We flew too close to the sun. Just as he's about to die, though, he's like... His last words were, me so. And they just snap. Well, I'm sure we're all glad that happened.

Let that exhalation of air recorded on this podcast be the moment someone fucking cancels you into the sun. What? We're like nearly 50-50 Asian people on this table right now Look, look Maybe the condition's genetic Get Ludwig's neck

Maybe the condition is genetic Get Ludwig's neck We've heard enough Meanwhile Daffy, seeing you kill her husband You're a bereaved wife over here She screams Drops the tray of while Daffy, seeing you kill her husband... You're a bereaved wife over here. She screams, drops the tray of lemon water that she had for guests and races up the stairs.

Bobby dashes after her. Okay. This is the day. This is the day at all. So all the witnesses are currently taken care of. Athletics check. Oh, wait, no, wait, wait, no. Daffy rolls one.

So, she trips on her own tray and falls on the front step. So, you grab her instantly. Or. Bobby slits her throat. Loose ends Oh shit Oh this is my favourite thing I've ever heard This is not the way of the eleven

This is ugly, ugly, ugly Yeah how do the other dragon friends react to that? Well I mean I think we know that mine was okay because that guy was going racist, but... Which we only knew after you killed him. Listen, look, we're acting fast. Let's, you know, act first and apologise later. And look, as a good boy,

I'd really like to distance myself from these actions, frankly. None of this was my idea and we should have just... You just said they've seen our faces. You're not wrong. I mean, yeah, I know I was just saying... This is a war. Yeah, look, as I said, let's all just put all this in the back of our heads.

We unpack later with a professional. We've got to keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. That's what me thinks. So, okay. Alright, Bobby goes over to Ludwig. Ludwig is unconscious. Oh god, alright. Will everyone turn around?

And just threw the sternum with a sword. Oh! Bobby, we keep meaning to talk about all of this. This is a real metaphor. Dragon Friends has become a series about what can happen if your friend suffers a traumatic experience and none of you acknowledge it for two seasons.

Okay, look. Does anyone know any good therapists in Flotsam? Because my friend here, he died in space, you see. Who are you asking? It's just us here. All right. Blood splatters the corridor as Bobby flicks with practiced ease blood from his blade, wiping it on the apron strings

of Miss Daffodil Lawlinson. Oh, come on. I didn't make that choice. I wiped it on my own pants like a gentleman. Rifling through their pockets, you find samples of gin, stubs and receipts that prove, in Lawmington's pockets, you see stubs and receipts that prove what he had said, that the family is in dire financial problems and a very modest bursary is being paid by the city for upkeep of the house that they are not owners of.

Can I see, what was that iron ring he had? You see an iron ring as well, which seems to hum with some kind of magical energies. Arcana. It's an Arcana check? Yep. It is magical in property. No, it has a kind of, the magic seems to be a transformational magic, but you can't tell what it is. I put the ring on.

Okay, you put the ring on and your body seems to hum for a second. And then for a second, your eyesight blurs and then snaps into focus. Experimentally, you move your hands around and you can't tell what has happened. But it feels like something has changed. What do we see when we look at him? Nothing. You didn't spot anything. So whatever magic is affecting it, it's not immediately apparent, but you're wearing the ring. You also see a key, a large iron key in Daffy Lawmington's apron pocket.

I'll take that. Anything in Ludwig? It's a big key for like a big keyhole. Yeah. I reckon, can I tell you what I think is in Ludwig's pockets? Yeah, go for it. Just a bunch of real crook anime, you know what I mean? I mean, I'll allow that. It's benign, but it's just like, you look at it,

if you were their parents, you'd be like, ah. Yeah, it's a lot of very specific scenes from Evangelion, you know what I mean? They do. So in this universe, Neon Genesis Evangelion exists. Yes, and the person who's clipped it up. What is it? And unfortunately in all universes too, it's one of the through lines. Bards travel the Sword coast up and down,

telling the stirring tale of Ayanami Rei and her two dipshit friends. The entire time Elf has just been watching these people murder this innocent family. I'm sorry you had to see this, Elf. Yeah, we don't usually roll like this. Let me be clear. I am cleaning up your mess. Actions have consequences. You better pull your head in, Bobby Pancakes.

We can't have you going rogue like a certain little half-elf we used to know. Oh, was that a burn? Yeah, me say, you're like 60% Friezo right now. If you keep going, you might be making a visit to a guy that's not now. Oh, and where is Friezo? What did you do with him? We don't know where he is. Maybe me wonder if we brought back the right guy.

What are you talking about? I didn't have any choice in that That was a decision you made Beauty within and without Beauty within and without I mean, I just think I've never met this Friso guy But I mean, he's not here to offend himself

So let's not speak ill of him You know, he seemed like a cool guy, but I mean, he's not here to defend himself so let's not speak ill of him. You know, he seems like a cool guy, I think. Probably just a man who wants to be a big... Let's go to the burnt out distillery. Come on. Ah, yes. Let's go to the burnt out distillery. Great idea, Bobby. We can take all of this

angst out on someone. Should just, I mean, not to find a point on it, should we hide these three bodies? I don't know, why don't you put them in your on it, should we hide these three bodies? I don't know, why don't you put them in your magic sack like you did all those other ones? Do I still have a magic sack, Dave? Yeah, it's been three years since you've looked inside it.

Three years ago, you did put three bodies in it, which is the most, like, grossly misused bag of holding, I think. So, okay, look, you all need to help me though, so, alright, lift them in, come on. Alright, we put them in. In the bag they go. It smells

real funky when you open it. But you toss the bodies of Percy and Daffy Lormington. And Ludwig. And let'sormington. And Ludwig. And let's not forget poor simple Ludwig. Into the bag of holding, which seems to groan as banknote pulls its drawstrings taut. Why is that funny? What?

Why are you laughing? Oh my God. Nothing, nothing. Let's go. So we go to the... Yeah, so anyway, Elf, we're good friends. And, you know, we travel around together, mostly doing good. So this whole, like, murdering thing, I want to say is out of the ordinary. But now that I think about it, are we good people?

Now, just so I am clear... So Thario has been here the whole time. And he's just been like... Bobby looks at him and says, If you fucking sing today... Ooh. I. Is.

Not. A. I I I I draw my long bow as he begins to sing and point it at you he hasn't begun to sing yet it's difficult to resist opening chords like this but Ben's doing very well so Scott just said he's drawn a long bow and pointed it at Bobby to give you a bit more

to ease your nerves. Some people are bastards and I think I hate them. Some people are terrible and I think I might... Bobby punches him in the nuts. That's a 15. He rolls over. Me can't stay mad at you, puppy pancakes.

Now you can go, as I said, it was almost night time. You can head out to the stills if you want. Are you just going to leave Ruthergill House, the doors open, blood all over the hallway? No, let's close the doors up. You can head out to the stills if you want. Are you just going to leave Ruthergill House,

the doors open, blood all over the hallway? No, let's close the doors up. Like professionals. Bushu, could you clean this up? Yes. Wait, are we saying that Bushu... Wait, wait, clean this up? Okay. Isn't the house completely empty though?

Isn't that your property now? Well, I mean, look, he's already so keen on burning it down. And look, the valley's in the land, really. Okay, so you... So I guess as you make your way up the hill towards the old Lormington Stills, Booshu, you can just hear the torch. As Booshu D2 begins to systematically burn the foundations of Rutherglen House.

Love me. Destroying 500 years of beautiful history. One of the oldest buildings in the Floessner States and presumably any other people that were inside it. of beautiful history, one of the oldest buildings in the Flossan Estates, and presumably any other people that were inside it. I just, I feel like as we burn, as we watch this house burn, we're walking toward the distilleries.

I just... You all sit on the hill and you watch it burn. I've spent so much of my life trying to find the approval of my family, my father, my ancestors, and now watching it all burn, it feels like it was all for nothing.

Yeah, maybe I have the opportunity to be my own person. To make my own choices. To really let loose. You know? To really let loose? Yeah, you're a dragon friend now. To really let loose? Are you asking if you want to really let loose? Are you asking if you want to really let loose?

Are your nuts still smarting? Because I'll go again. That's fine, they hurt a lot. Never mind. That was the thing I was going to do. It is the small hours of the morning as you find your way to the desiccated husks that were once the Lormington Stills,

burnt down by you, Banknote, in a fit of corporate peak. As you make your way through the stills, you see that most of them are cracked and broken, but one, the largest still, in fact, seems to still be airtight. Investigation.

That is 13 plus 3 is 16. Alright, making your way around the stills, you find an old trapdoor in the ash by the side of the largest still, and it seems to be closed and locked. What's the lock made out of? A metal? Oh, it's not like...

I'll kind of check on the lock, I guess. Like, two. I guess I don't know if it's magical or not. Dave. The lock. But, like, a still is a big cylindrical vessel. It can be bulbous. Like a giant water,

it's a bulbous water tower. Yeah, but if there's a trapdoor in that cylinder and it's full of stuff. It's beside it, isn't it? It's just down directly underneath it. Underneath the still. Yeah, it's like, it's up flush against the side of the still on the ground.

Bobby, could you please pick this lock? Oh, the key, yes. Is it a big lock? Yeah, it's a big lock. I try the key. The key doesn't work. Alright, I rolled a 14 plus what is it, sleight of hand? Yeah.

That's a 24. Alright, click, click, click with your little trusty thieves tools and there is a satisfying click as the last tumbler falls in place, and the trapdoor opens, revealing steps deep into the gloom, angled towards the centre of the still.

Okay, I'll go first. It's weirdly brave of you. Why? I'm letting loose. It's pitch black of you. Why? I'm letting loose. It's pitch black. Can you see? No, but I can cast light out of one of my little gadgets, so I'll catch up with a little small flame. All right, there's a puff of acrid smoke as you light one of your little filaments,

and the room underneath the stills reveals itself, and you see a huge contraption banknote suspended by chains belted into what used to be the stills it has been hollowed out from the inside no longer in any way used for the distilling of alcohol it seems now a place to stash some kind of large device coils of copper cable dave dave dave is it the spider from Wild Wild West? Is it, Dave? Are you asking, Dave, if... Sorry. We probably had enough racism in this episode

to equate it to the actual Wild Wild West film script. Please, Daddy, let it be the spider from Wild Wild West. Please, Dave, can it be? Dave, please, can it be the spider from Wild Wild West? It would be the most wonderful bonbon that ever we had. Daddy, Daddy, would you please? On this day, Christmas. On this Christmas day.

Let me get this straight. You want to be locked downstairs under a still with only a tiny trapdoor by yourself with the spider from Wild Wild West. Piloted by Kenneth Branagh. Of course, of course. Piloted by half of theoted by Kenneth Branagh. Of course. Piloted by half of the torso of Kenneth Branagh. For sexual reasons. He's like, I do declare I am half a spider.

Greatest factor of our time. All right, Dave, what's the check? He played Iago. What if I... No, that was Gilbert Gottfried. Anyway. It's a good bit, guys. Come on, guys. It's a good bit, guys. Come on, guys.

It's a good bit. All right. What's the check? It's good, dear. What's the check? Just give me a number, Dave. Come on. All right.

If you roll a 19 or a 20, then it's the spider from Wild Wild West. Ah, it's a 15. Rats. Rats next time. All right, let's go home. Copper coils humming with potent arcane energy. And all of them, it seems like pockmarked with tiny apertures all the way around this device.

Heavy rubber suction seals that seem to be there for some kind of pipes or tubes to be rammed into place. All of them now empty. And underneath it, underneath a focusing array of steel sensors is a small wooden trundle on a bed of straw. And sitting on that trundle is a giant block of granite that seems to be bristling with ice.

As an alchemist, do I recognise this contraption? Yes, make for me an intelligence check with proficiency. What does proficiency mean? Plus three. That is 13. Oh, sorry, it's 11. Five plus three is 16. 16.

Okay, so you recognise that this is a focusing device or something. Things go into the aperture, and it is powered by whatever pours into it, and it is beaming it down into this piece of granite. Also, as an alchemist, you think you recognise it as you touch it. It looks like a type of material that you've read about before. And make for me one more intelligence check to see if you remember what it is.

Come on, studying! No, nine. No, you're sure you've read about it in the library at Rutherglen House? If only you could just go quickly and check. Unfortunately, I believe someone burnt it down. No sense of responsibility ever. The aperture that things go into, is it like a funnel that you might pour that smoke stuff in? Imagine like heavy wax, like airlocks, rubber airlocks, that you could push something like a tube into.

Like a vial. Yes, yeah, it's the same. Vials of, say, blood or something. Do you want to test and see if it fits? I've got the empty vial in my pocket, so I can pop it in. It fits like a glove. It slides and clicks into place. Okay.

And as it does, you notice something else, which is that crunching underfoot all around you are broken shards of the same glass. What if we all weed in the vial? There is also a desk, I should have said this, with a bell and three sheaves of paper and a writing set. Okay, I'll have a read of that. Okay.

So it's a letter, and it's a letter that is addressed to His Eminence, the Regional Administrator, Pomplumus LaCroix, and it is signed by Percy Lawmington. Ah, so he did deserve to die. Yes, okay, good. And the letter says, Your Eminence, Grace... Oh, no, he has to have accents that oscillate wildly. Your Eminence, Grace, and all manner of titles

that are there for you... Change. It is to me... Change. Great upset... Oh, I can't understand what he's saying. We have, once again, thank you for this modest bursary and this new lease of life of our family.

We will care for Rutherglen House as if it is our own, hoping that one day it might be restored to the Banknote family that made it so great. Ruh-roh. This money has been such a lease of life, it cannot be expressed. Truly, you are a just lord, as they say. As your agents come through, we will do as you have required, charge the weatherstone and ring the bell to summon the visitors when it is charged.

What P.S. Words cannot express the elation that I and my wife Daffodil have at your intercession on our behalf with the Church of Ilmata. The last three years have been hard on our poor daughter, Dimi. It's languishing as she did in New Hill Sanatorium. She will be safe here with us. We have locked her

in the attic for her own safety. Praying that the time will come again when she can walk the gardens that she loved so well and it is signed, Percy Lormington. Oh, fuck. For evil to flourish, all it takes is for good men to do nothing. And with a sickly feeling in their hearts, a deep despair in their face,

or feeling absolutely nothing at all, like the psychopaths that they are, the dragon friends have to ask that they are, the dragon friends, have to ask themselves, are they the heroes? Are they truly the people that this time calls out for? Or perhaps the people

that this time despairs? This is some dark shit. This started as a fun show. I don't know what we're doing anymore. Tune in next week for more of the same. Also, a block falls on elf Shoneling and kills him. It's been Dragon Brands.

Let's hear it for Scott, who showed up for this episode and didn't get to say anything. Scott! Tom Carty. Our special guest this week was Scott Huntington. Shakira Khan designs our websites. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this week's episode was recorded live at the Vanguard in Sydney. Until next time. Learning to read from a talking dog, yeah Way back when He runs his papa's company He's a very naughty man

The life of hope we call the Dragon Friends I had a chat to someone during the break who said they really wanted us to start a... What do they call it? A gizmodo? What's the thing? A discord? A discord How did I know that's what you meant?

Wow. A gizmodo? I forgot. We're starting a website. Which is going to be sued to death by Peter Thiel. Alright, I'll tell you what. We're going to start a Dragon Friends Asana board. And anyone who wants to join that.

I was thinking we could do a discord because I've got a bunch of white nationalist memes I want to post. Tell you what, I'll just assign all of you Jira tickets. Can we have a Dragon Friends Kanban flow and just all make sure we do our work together? Eden, go, go, Eden. I've already started the dragonfriendsmonday.com and no one's on it. Well, these are all the productivity app gags we have.

I've invited all of you motherfuckers to the Dragon Friends Base Camp since 2004 and none of you have accepted the invite. Oh, Trello. Yay! Now Tom, do one. I'm not paying attention.