Dragon Friends - #6.06. Teabag in the Blowhole

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

With half of the Resistance on side, The Dragon Friends seek out the other half of the puzzle in an austere academy. Characters are assumed and shockingly competent subterfuges are made in an attempt to seek an audience with the mysterious headmistress of the Grundle School for Wayward Ladies Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, Dragos. Just a little special update for you. This is our second episode we've recorded from social isolation over the internet together, so we hope you enjoy it. And an extra special treat for you, we'll be playing a game of Werewolf live on Twitch on Saturday, May the 2nd. Get all of the details on our website. Enjoy the episode. Can I take that back, Hugh? Hugh, I don't think we're allowed to say ****. Let's just beep out the word twice. Everyone thinks it's much worse.

Where's Bastogne? He was training in the jungle. Bombing pancakes. He was running with the wolves. Where was Fields? Learning to read from the talking dog, yeah. Way back though, he runs his poppers company. The dark lord's trust.

He's a very naughty man. Finally together. The life of hope we call the dragon. The Grundle School for Wayward Ladies cuts a shabby but still impressive figure as you make your way up Gilderoy Street. It is clear in the late afternoon sun that the building has seen better days, likely as the townhouse for some minor noble or wealthy merchant, but attention has been paid to keep it beautiful, if showing signs of age. A cloistered quadrangle of three stories, it sits proudly on this dusty old street,

packed in between a novelty joke shop and some kind of classy day spa a high wall hides the garden but proclaims over its wrought iron gates the school motto great strength lies within about 20 feet from the gates you duck into an alleyway to get a better look if your sources is correct this school is the hiding place of one Eleanor Grundle, famed ex-spy and one-time lieutenant of Great Heart Banknote, mythic leader of the resistance against Strahd's new

regime. If the resistance is to hold in Banknote's absence, it will need Grundle back on the books, or so you've been told anyway. Inside the locked gates, the narrow lawns in front of the school look empty save for a tiny porter's lodge. On a stool just outside, you can see a solitary figure in a ratty felt cap cleaning his fingernails with a knife. Otherwise, the schoolyard looks deserted.

Class is in session. It is time to find out what exactly Miss Grundle has been up to in her retirement. Dave, have we taken a rest at all since our last escapades? Yeah, sure. So you have had the, if you remember last episode, you were given this mission by Janos Mir and you've had time to get your hit points back, eat a quick stew that Bobson cooked for you, stuff like that. Get any spells back that you had? Cool. stew that bobson cooked for you stuff like that get any spells back that you had uh cool well one of my things uh because i'm an artificer i'd like to do some um some little overnight

tinkering if that's okay uh so this is this is what this is magical tinkering uh where i get to imbue i get to you know do one of my sort of magical things oh infusions yeah you can do an infusion yes i assumed you just talking about masturbation that whole time i'd like to infuse well no because that would have to i'd have to infuse a non-magical item and the chongus is magical um also the process of infusing is problematic and also hank you haven't canonically brought uh lion shield banknotes chongus into the show yet but if you're willing to bring that in and a very good. I mean, as far as our canon was concerned, he had a perfectly, legitimately normal chongus. Normal pedestrian penis, yeah.

But no? He has a magical penis, because that cuts both ways, obviously. I mean, in many ways it's a double-edged chongus. The magic is maybe that the hole is on the inside. Why do you do this to yourself? What do you want to... Okay, what else do you want to infuse? I was thinking, because one of my things is magical infusions,

I can do a thing called repeating... I can infuse something with repeating shot. It still sounds like masturbation. It really does. You're going to have to really try and phrase this in different ways. Okay, so I can grant a magical weapon, a plus one bonus to attack, damage rolls when it's used to make a ranged attack,

and it ignores loading properties, and I have no ammunition. The weapon produces its own ammunition, automatically creating one piece of magic ammunition. Dave, is this the rollicking start you imagined the ep would kick up on you i i love a little bit of of note of note taking but yeah so what do you want what are you going to use i'm going to use this on me oh dave you've walked into my trap you've said i can do this i'm going to uh do it to my fantasy rocket launcher that you said would blow up if i ever if it ever ran out of ammunition okay i see what you've done here um

that's fair but that that's okay all right the tim you're talking about the tim uh yes the tim the uh fantasy rocket was given to you last episode okay that's fine sure so it fires as i said a salvo of four vials of alchemists fire and as long as you you you're tinkering means that you've found a way to keep it firing yes but. But if you ever forget this thing, it will, it will create a paradox that will make it blow up with all the times you fucked me on it. Is that fair? Okay. Keep a tally there.

Okay. So every time you shoot it, you need to say with it, with, you need to use the keywords using repeating shot. Can you do that for me? I can. I, yep. Yep. Yeah.

Hang on. Okay. Then I'm fine. I'm fine that for me? I can. Yep, yep. Yeah, hang on. Okay. Repeating shot. Then I'm fine. I'm fine with it. That's fine. You lose your enhanced weapon. That's your third infusion.

Okay. Or your bag of holding. Do you want it to just spit the bodies out and jattles me in his bedroom? Ooh, no. I feel like that's a dangerous thing, so I'll keep the bag. Dave, could I have used that time

to do some magical infusion as well? Unfortunately, you're not an artificer. Oh, but mine is just a really lovely tea mix that I've been making. I've allowed it to steep overnight. It's elderflower and jasmine. Oh, that is magical. And I'm sharing it with my friends. Is this another new thing that you've learned in your time in Kalimshan?

Yeah, the dolphin taught me about tea appreciation. I'm sharing it with my friends. Is this another new thing that you've learned in your time in Kalimshan? Yeah, the dolphin taught me about tea appreciation. The trick is to not use very boiling water. You've got to leave it. One cannot truly enjoy a tea until one has swam around in it in a small pond for a while. Yeah, how does a dolphin... You know, it's fine. It's a teabag. Teabag in its blowhole.

Oh, no. Teabag in its blowhole is the answer. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mark it. We have the name of the episode. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mark it. We have the name of the episode. So you find yourselves on Gilderoy Street, ducked in a small arch where you can see,

aside from the porter, it seems that the narrow lawns outside the Grundle School are empty. The gates, however, are locked. How do you want to make this approach? Does Bobson want to come? I think he wants to get out, but... Yeah, Bobson can take them to the school. They don't know where it is.

So yeah, Bobson has led them here. Guys, this is the school. This is the Mrs. Grundle School, as promised by the cell that I run. So do you know anything else? Do you have a key? No. Do you have a letter of No. Do you have a letter

of introduction? No. How are you? I mean, obviously we can't get into school because it locked. So, I mean, can you go talk to that man?

There is a bell, by the way, near the doors as well. You go ring the bell, Bob, so we hide. Well, the other option is we have a wayward girl right here me oh wait just take one out of her bag no filch oh right wait one bloody second i like this where are we going with this she's gone off the run there right she's she's too naughty at home

for a regular school we're taking her to this school for wayward girls oh i like you two are my four dads yeah what's wrong with that i haven't opened mine just want to get our story straight you probably you're probably having a hard time adjusting to having four dads having previously we had one who's my original dad dead i mean i don't think i don't think any of us can be because no you're adopted you got adopted by a what what do you call can i just understand what you're saying simon and i'm not being i don't want you to think this is me being pessimistic or You're adopted. You got adopted by a... What do you call it? So can I just understand what you're saying, Simon? And I'm not being... I don't want you to think this is me being pessimistic or poo-pooing the idea.

But you're suggesting that Filge, a eight-foot-tall half-orc barbarian with a huge magical hammer, of a handsome, bald man, a confused asmere, a halfling, and some kind of filthy gnome? Yes, a sexy quadruple. Okay, me play along. Me get in character. All right, I'll ring the bell then. All right, Lion Shield, you're going to walk up and ring the bell?

And then duck into some bushes. Guys, I'm going to leave you here. I think you've got it. This is a idea it's please don't take this as a criticism but i'm gonna go all right bobby i just want to say you know for this role i'm willing to go there pda whatever you want let's sell this honey i have a bossy bottom. Okay, Bobson backs out as gracefully as he can as Lion Shield rings the bell and the porter puts his knife back down on the stool and wanders over to the gates,

but nobody's at the gates because you're hiding. Is that correct, Lion Shield? No, I've walked out to the... I've led the way. Okay, very roundabout. Just Lion Shield jumped into the bushes. Okay, so make a stealth check for me, Lion Shield. Three. Mm. Okay, so make a stealth check for me, Lion Shield. Three.

Mmm. So, the figure whose name is Ruddy Sweet, the school porter, walks up to the door, looks at you, and looks at you, Bobby, and opens his mouth and is about to say something when he looks down at the

bushes at Lion Shield crouch down in them, and then he looks at you the bushes at Lion Shield. Crouched down in them. And then he looks at you again, Bobby. What's he doing? Please excuse. Oh, my husband is very clumsy. Why is he hiding in the bushes? I was just looking here at these bushes.

They're terribly underwater, don't you know? Does anyone else get very excited when Ben discovers a new voice? It always gives me a little thrill. Because it has the potential to be super racist. Real frisson. Please forgive me a little thrill. Because it has the potential to be super racist. Real frisson. Please, forgive me, forgive me. We're here to drop off our daughter here. This is Filge.

She's a wayward girl. Me don't want to go to this stupid school. Me want to hang out with my friends at the shopping centre and eat burgers and do graffiti on cats. Do you see? She's very poorly behaved. And frankly, as one of her fathers, I'm, you know, I'm sick of it. You're my least favourite dad. No, no, no.

Well, let's first of all quickly see if this is working. You have advantage because there's a lot of you and you've thought this through. You're leading. Really? So, Bobby, yeah, well, I mean, you know. As much as we can. I'm grading on a fucking curve, okay? So make for me a deception check DC 13.

Okay, that's a 10 plus deception, 19. 19, okay, yeah, he's buying it for now. But he has said generally, he's asking basically if she's a scholarship student or if she has a letter of introduction to the school. He needs to see the paperwork. Now, now, now, before we get to the nitty gritty of it, we'd love to have a tour of the grounds to see what our poor, unfortunate daughter, what kind of situation she'll be living in.

Stick it in your sock hole, Dad. I won't. I want to watch a little bit more of this tough parenting. No, you know, I won't do that. I don't want to. I'll stick it there for you. Nobody's sticking anything in their suckhole, all right? You see this a lot.

You see this a lot. Parents not knowing what to do with their kids, telling them to stick it in their suckhole. The parent doesn't want to stick it in their suck hole, obviously. The child, you know, she pushes back. It's heartbreaking to see. I'm going to throw you over a wall. You're going to throw me over a wall?

Yeah, and you'll like it. What? Break it up, please. Look, we'd like to see the headmistress. Filch. Yeah, so I can give her a big wedgie and tell her she sucks. What's going on here, sweets? And you see about a, it looks like a 19-year-old human woman

with a very blindingly starched collar and cuffs in a plain woolen high-necked school uniform. Did you say 90 or 19? 19. Who is this, one of the prefects? Yes, I'm a prefect. What of it? You don't look very wayward. Bet you haven't even drawn a cat.

Oh, I see. Fresh meat, perhaps sweets. Is that correct? He sort of coughs and he looks a little bit intimidated actually and he sort of mutters to himself. Do you know, when I was in your position standing at these gates some years ago,

not only had I not drawn on a cat, I had not even seen a cat. That's how disadvantaged I was. I didn't know what a cat was. So what happened when you saw a cat for the first time? I went, what? What? Sorry.

You didn't show us around the grounds before. We'll allow you to take care of our very poorly behaved daughter. Yes, well, I can see that. Sweets, prepare some tea, please. I actually brought my own. And then this woman takes the tea that you're proffering and hurls it to the ground. That's what I think of your tea. You know,

when I first came here, I didn't know water could be hot. Why show off for? So this is Justine Plummer, and you can see from the severe cut of her uniform to the very carefully drawn bun on the back of her head

that she is all business, no fun. He's saying she's got a bun just drawn on the back of her head uh that she is all business no fun he's saying she's got a bun just drawn on the back of her head yeah in the latest fashion simon and you can see yes uh she has sort of cowed plumber and he unlocks the gate trying not to make eye contact shuffles to the side and draws the gates open allowing you to enter. I bastion pulls Ruddy Sweets aside and says, Blink twice if you need help. He doesn't blink. He doesn't?

Well, he blinks, but... He doesn't blink at all. By the way, that's just, I'm blinking, because you paused too long. That's two blinks. It's just the moisture in my eyeballs. That's all that is. Oh, it dried out?

So I do need help, but it's moisturizing my eyeballs, but my eyelids do that just fine. All right. Wait, he need help or not? No, I don't. I'm trying not to blink. All right, while this is happening, meanwhile, Phil, you're being looked up and down by Miss Plummer,

and she says, new candidate. She turns to Bobby and Lion Shield, your two parents. And she says, and do you have the letters of hardship or is this a full fee paying student? This will be a full fee paying student. Yes. Well, we charge 200 dragons per academic year, paid in advance.

Now, what is a dragon? Oh, gosh. Okay, so a dragon is a gold coin in Wadadabian Do you know, if you don't know what money is You may not have it Oh, I've got money Well, you know, wouldn't you, poor bitch? Yes, do you know?

When I turned up, I didn't know what a metal was A metal? Or just any metal? I didn't know what a metal was. A metal? Any metal. Banknote is going to just take 200 gold coins out of his sack and then like as hastily as possible just fling them in the air and say, here's your fee. I don't give a fuck. Okay. So the coins fly up in the air some of them uh sort of gently hitting justine plumber and sweets and dare i say banknote in the face before scattering on the

ground and then she looks at banknote who pulls out a small uh dustpan and broom and starts sweeping them up for her as she looks at it. As she looks not at the coins, but rather at the big valise of money that you pulled the coins out of. Because you have how much on you at the moment? I pull out a dustpan and broom and start

sweeping it up. No, Ruddy Sweets, I said. You really need to get it through your head that there's another character here, Michael. You definitely said I'm not going crazy that's what he said i'm not going crazy he said okay this is my fault this one's on me so ruddy sweets no no no no this is fine this is this is garden variety normal dragon friends chaos so uh ruddy sweets the porter is sweeping up the coins she is ignoring him because she is more interested in the valise of thousands of coins

that you have taken this bag out of because you have how much money on you? Remaining 5,250 gold. That's so much money. So much gold. Or dragons. She suddenly seems to be a little less brusque and she says obviously we will have the paperwork

sorted immediately and do you need quarters? Will you be staying with us while your daughter well we haven't decided whether or not she's staying until we have the tour thank you very much give us a tour i would be delighted ready in the money and he's probably by now put it poured it back into a little filthy sack he has on his belt and he gives it to her and she somewhat distastefully takes it in her hand and she says, Please follow me as she leads you into the school. Can I walk behind her and whisper in her ear, Hey Justine, do you party?

What? What? What? Like you want to, you we're a really bad girl You're trying to score some drugs Get some weed Get some of the good green stuff I'm going to stop you right there I don't care who your fathers are

I don't care how much dragon they can throw around This is a house of good repute. Do I... Seriously? Do I party? Yes. I party with God. I thought the chicks here were going to be a bit more fun. I thought they were all going to be wayward.

Oh, well. That's alright, Justine. I can see you suck. it oh well that's all right justine i can see you suck you know you would never make it in tesseroe house she's looking at you now i can see you have a problem attitude but i know where we're going to deal with you and she looks at uh it pulls out some pro forma forms that she's got on a in a small bag by her side and she looks at and she says yes no i think we're going to place you in Switchmire House.

They'll soon sort you out. Is there a hat that sorts these people out, Dave? Well, do you want me to give you the names of the houses? Because I've done a lot of thinking about this. Yeah, so there is Tesseroe House, which you have just been banned from. There is Switchmire House, which apparently you're good enough for. Then there is Lungsup House.

Hufflepuff? Clearly Hufflepuff. Well, don't be too sure, because the fourth house is called Puffinstock. Lungsup is an extremely unpleasant word, Dave. Yeah, I know. I don't know why, but that's what I called it. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like saying it.

And so she fills out some forms and she says, here, take this to the second floor. You'll be looking for a door with purple paint and gold edging. Report there to the prefect, Daisy. She'll know what to do with you. And she gives you the paperwork. She says, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take there to the prefect Daisy. She'll know what to do with you. As she gives you the paperwork, she says, now if you'll excuse me, I have to take this to the bursary. And she takes your coins and she walks down the hall.

Justin, Justin, Justin, before you go, we need immediately to speak to the headmistress. Nobody immediately speaks to the headmistress, I'm afraid. Okay, but what about my friend Dave dave uh what uh person is on the coins a dragon well what about my friend mr dragon are you offering a bribe yeah i'm offering a single this is exciting a single gold coin to the priest let's find out let's find out if Justine breaks bad. All right.

Make for me a persuasion check. DC 15. I know. First of all, tell me how much the bribe is, and then I'll tell you the DC. What Banknote's plan was to do was to slowly just... What it was going to do is go, Mr. Dragon or his brother, Jeff, also a dragon.

Or their mother, Maiden Dragon? Or their cousin? Just one by one, handing out coins until she breaks. Okay, you can... Well, I'll tell you, her breaking point is whatever... Her breaking point is... I have some dice up here if you want me to... No, it's 15.

So you're going to have to give me 11 more members of the dragon family before she agrees. Oh, you like the older dragons? This one's Grandpa Dragon. Or his wife, Mrs. Grandpa Dragon. She goes by the name Grandma. Then there's old cousin... Carburetor Dragon. It's Cousin Carburetor dragon. It's cousin carburetor.

He's been a bit weird since the war. The other dragon that we need to talk about is an adopted dragon by the name of Catman. Then there's the Joker, who's also a dragon. I think you'll find the next three dragons are John, Paul, and Ringo. There was a dragon called George, but he's not here

today. Instead, he'll be survived by his wife, Linda. Yes, that's right. He cucked Paul. Anyway, there's another dragon coming out, and his name is Mr. Magoo. And the final dragon here is Sauron.

The dragon is the last one. There you are. Here are your dragons. Can we see the head, mistress? And was this... Is this how you always... Did this play out entirely the way that hing just did it while everybody stood around she had her palm out and that was her him

exhaustingly counting points i beg of you dragon uh friends uh i beg beg beg of you if any of you have animation skills i i have never needed to see something animated more than that scene. As you place the 15th coin in her palm, she looks at you, looks at the coins, and then carefully tucks them into a folded pocket inside her waistband. And she says,

Well, I'm certain for a man of such coin an introduction could be made what are you doing tonight um tonight i well if you must know i'm having some friends over there's 15 no no no she takes a small gilt-edged card and she places it carefully on your pocket and she says, Bring this to Ruddy after the eleventh bell. Come alone or with one other. Do you understand? Yes, yes. I will be there.

And then she looks at you sharply, Filge, and she says, Upstairs, young miss. I'm sorry, did you just go meh, meh, meh, me yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm putting up my fingers too can i do something dave yeah yeah you could do something she punches her in the throat whoa okay i'm making a post-dexterity check, Filch. She's surprisingly fast. And in fact, it's not a punch. She uses, it's open-armed slash.

It looks like a kind of weird martial arts. She rolled a 19. What did you get? I got a 21. Okay, you jump back surprised and you just graze as her hand snaps out before she puts it down again. And you also are quite surprised at her speed.

And I go, hmm. You do well in another house, Justine. Perhaps it's time you put the sorting pants on one more time. But Justine does look at you appraisingly at that point, and she notices your war hammer, and she notices your kind of warrior abilities.

If it's all the same to everyone, you know I get emotional at times like this. I'd just like to stay the first night just to know that my baby feels she's okay. Is that all right with everyone? Well, I suppose you could stay in the guest lecturer quarters. They're empty this time of year, but we will need to charge you rent. We could give a guest lecture.

In what? Okay. What is Bobby's TED Talk? It's Bobby's. For girls. What is Bobby's TED Talk? It's Bobby's... For girls. Our normal classes, as you know, are on arts, calisthenics, numbers, letters, and the subtle arts.

What do you offer? I'll do arts. What do you mean you do arts? For $400. I'll give an appraisal of a contemporary artist of the... Do you have an example of some of your work? Not my own work. I'm a great follower of the artist

uh blen blom he's a um he's a performance artist it's cutting edge stuff what about that artist from last season he was good a performing artist called blen blom well you must make a deception check for me immediately. DC 15, and you're lucky I don't make it with disadvantage for Blin Blon. Unfortunately, I have pretty good deception, so it's 16. We have not had performance art taught in this academy since we opened. I shall arrange an entire school assembly you must perform with me this is is this a family act you all perform together i'm not an artist i'm an academic of sorts i cannot wait until the girls see some proper performing art we have a small

theaterette just out the back uh if i will organize the performance for 6 p.m if that works for you and of course room food board whatever you require while your daughter mucks in. Oh, wow. Banknote, as this is being discussed, Banknote leads in and goes, Ah, Blenblom? Did you say Blenblom? Oh, wow. You must see his rendition of The Aristocrats. Thank you for the tip tip we shall make sure he performs it anyway see you at 11 p.m.

and you miss your you feel the back of my hand you said sorry that's for the that's for the lecture but we're meeting no there's a schedule in my head man so so so Phil just to go upstairs now at 6 At 6pm, we are having a command performance from visiting international artist Bobby Pancakes performing in the Blenblom style at 11pm, however. Banknote is coming to the school.

This got so complicated so quickly. I think this is like page a private paragraph two of the notes private one-on-one meeting with miss grundle so now are you prepared to go upstairs filch yes all right so you make your way upstairs and you can see that there's a corridor at the end of the stairs with what looks like dormitories and common rooms on either side the blue and gilt edged door is to your left i kick it open bang the door opens and four other students in the woolen uniforms look up from sweeping and dusting while another one is sitting with long blonde hair platinum blonde hair with her back to you at a desk and she turns around slowly to face you sorry ben you're gonna have to do a

lot of private school girls so this this is daisy and this is this is a different voice oops this is phil Oops. This is Phil. Well, well, well. If it ain't a fresh little daffodil for Daisy to pick. Again, tall aristocratic features. Yeah, well. A thin, svelte look. Straight platinum hair. A severe, almost.

It's a different world from England. You cannot say that voices are different this could be a very upper class voice in this fantasy world my name's Daisy

and she is the head prefect of Switchmire House wow hey Daisy so what's your story And she is the head prefect of Switchmire House. Hey, David. So what's your story? What's the worst thing you've ever done? What got you in here?

I killed a village! Whoa. Holy crap. Now that you notice, all of the rest of the girls in Switch My House look a little bit tougher, by the way. You killed a village. Not just like its vibe, like you killed its nightlife. Oh, I did that. I did that.

But I did it by killing all the people in it. Holy macaroni. All right. I've got regret. Well, that's the first step to not killing any more people. Cool. Well, look,

me the new girl here and... She notices you've got some papers in your hand, by the way. The ones that were given. I don't know, I didn't look. I don't like homework. What'd it say? I can read it, but... You go go he says your fathers have uh given you up to the tutelage of mrs grundle and uh signed away all your rights bloody bloody blah it's all just form stuff filled that means you're one of us now sorry One of us. Yeah, and then all the other little Switchmires.

Everyone in Switchmire has that voice. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. You want to rob a stagecoach? What do you reckon? Yeah, I'll rob it.

Yeah. Well, you won't be doing that here because this is a reform school for respectable ladies. Oh, so you don't do none of that village stuff no more? No. This is a reform school for respectable ladies. Oh, so you don't do none of that village stuff no more? No. It's all grammar and Latin and art. Have you heard there's going to be a performance artist doing a thing? I just picked... What did she hear that on?

How could she possibly have heard that? I heard it from downstairs. They were talking. Schoolgirl gossip, Dave. She had a cup to the door. Anyway, what can you lift? Look. I just pitched in Terry Jones in a platinum blonde wig.

Basically, yeah, yeah. What can I... What can me lift? Yeah, how much can you bench? Yeah. How much? You can bench your skinny ass, that's for sure. I bet you can't!

Yeah, but what's that in pounds? They all start clapping and a circle forms around you. Bench off, bench off, bench off, bench off! And she lies just literally just across you. Get your hand out of me crack! Is that what she says to me? Yeah. I think that was another girl.

There's something going on. Are you playing a girl too, Aiden? Do you want to take a girl in Switch My House? Yeah, but she doesn't want to be named. She just pops her head out of the closet now and then just to throw in her two cents.

Me hand her on no one's crack. Me can lift you easy peasy. Okay, I don't know why we're doing this but make a strength check. DC 13. Yep, I make it. Okay, filled as a competent qualified barbarian with

five years barbarian experiencing very easily picks up the 20 year old girl and benches her above her head as all of the switchmire girls for a second there's a hushed silence and then they all erupt into cheers and start chanting filch filch filch filch filch i don't know if this is a fantasy question or a dave question but why are there school girls in their 20s well the the it's a three year Do you know what age people finish school?

It's a three year course And it doesn't Because this is I've got it worked out Because the way it works is It's three years And you can start it whenever you join the school Is there like a really, really, really super tough Like alpha, like seven year old?

Well, probably But I think And we might even see a head prefect that's a lot younger but the the the fundamental thought is because it's a fantasy tech like city there's not um national education so she will educate people um she educates orphans uh and destitute young ladies makes them governesses um sort of merchant bankers anything you know she trains them up for three years what was the idea what if i was say a 45 year old there's a mature age um her name yeah her name is dorothy oh my god um can i just say the way that, is it Fiona just benched? Really reminds me of a personal experience that I had.

Shut up, Dorothy. You're fucking old. You're old. And so as Dorothy continues to tell this personal experience about 25 minutes, Daisy slaps Filge on the back and she says, go grab yourself a bed and a kit You'll find uniforms and what not On the foot of the beds

Welcome to Switchmire House You are my sister for life Daisy And I give her a secret handshake That I just made up She laughs Looks at the secret handshake Pulls out a knife And then cuts deeply into her palm

And then hands you the knife as she holds her hand out. I do it. Okay. Take a hit point of damage. You cut your own hand as well, and you both shake hands. Very cool. She slaps you on the back.

Meanwhile, but not meanwhile. That's what I miss most from the pre-corona days. It's all those blood-cursed handshakes we used to be able to do. I miss them. I miss that feeling of someone else's blood on my blood. I say meanwhile, but I in fact mean two hours later. It's 6pm and inside the memorial theatre named after a local

shitty patron of the arts the what was it? Blayblom? Blenblom? Blenblom? Blenblom? Yeah, you see as Justine Plummer comes to the stage

and then whips a bundle of reeds into her hand as the chattering of all the girls ceases and she says, all right, listen up, all of you. We've got something real special for you today. A command performance by an expert in the theatrical styles of, was it Blenblum? Have the stage. Now, girls, I know, I know, I know that at times

when we have people who are a little bit artistic here, you tend to treat them poorly. But this man has... And there's a little bit of tittering in the audience. This man... And she whips her hand again. ...has a beautiful heart. And that's no reason

to call him a stupid pussy or whatever I walk up to the front of the stage and Bobby How are you dressed? Have you painted the scene for me please? Well I guess I'm just wearing what I was wearing

which is like rehearsal black All black I mean You've gotten very edgy Yeah you're wearing you're wearing your you're like yeah your full black season five uniform so i'm following that comment i think bobby just walks to the front of the stage and he like lifts up his shirt and shows where his heart is he's

like good heart girls look at this and there's as we all know from canon, a seam of like red crystal from where... Yeah, you have a huge crystalline scar going from your shoulder down to like your midsection. Across your heart. So, that's me. I died in space. And then over the loudspeaker,aker you hear y'all ready for this so just so i understand bobby says i don't know he's standing there with his hands lifted up and he's like stomach showing and thenogne comes and dances behind him.

So you get music playing on the loud system somehow, which we're going to gloss over for now. And Bastogne comes out dancing to whatever this universe's version of You're Ready For This is. And Bobby just holds the pose, just staring into the middle distance while Bastogne dances behind him. He does the worm, just staring into the middle distance while Gaston dances behind him. He does the worm, various dance moves.

The song takes about three minutes, 40 seconds to play out in silence as Bobby stays there with his shirt up while, as you said, Gaston does all sorts of dances in the background phil you're in the audience so you're watching this as well with your new friends in switchmire house but other than that you don't hear anything because the room is entirely silent the song bobby finishes her with an icy fucking stare and just locks eyes with her. I go, get bent, Dad. As the song wraps up, I think, is it fair to say, Eden,

that the song wraps up, but Bastogne dances for like eight to 12 more bars before he sort of winds down? That's what he realizes. And then just turns it into a stretch. Yeah, takes a bow and then just receives. To silence. To absolute silence. Yeah.

And now making me a performance check with advantage. Wait, shouldn't that be Bastard? Bastard is your advantage. Oh, I got a one. But fortunately, I can roll again because halfling. That's a cha-cha-cha. Oh, I got a one, but fortunately I can roll again because halfling. That's a cha-cha-cha. That's an 18.

Cha-cha-cha. Is there a slow clap there? Yeah. First of all, the mature age student at the back, as she stands to her feet, but slowly more and more, sort of gather as you see daisy uh justine even ruddy sweet he's wiping away as here all the girls get to their seat and they start applauding applauding applauding um as justine looks at you with a newfound respect and said i had we had no idea we had such an eminent artist with us.

I found that incredibly moving. That's what the dice say. And that's what I find it. So. Please, I'm just a vessel for Blum Blum. That was a purely academic recreation of one of his most recent works. So, hey, don't thank me. Thank Blum Blum.

You must stay tonight. Miss Grundle is indisposed at the moment with an important meeting, but she will be available later tonight. Will you stay with us? It would be my greatest honour. And girls, please remember that you saw this tonight at this boarding school, and you're so lucky to be there, and we're so lucky to have the daughter

of of of these incredible artists would you please make very welcome filch stand up honey okay and and once one private school girl is on a fantasy spotlight uh which is essentially it's a kind of a glowing face demon in front of a mirror that she points at you. Filge moons everyone. What? Well, she's got to stick to her bad girl character. How much of this is Filge's bad girl character and how much is Filge just really enjoying this?

She's regressing to her teenage years for sure. Has the mature age student somehow found a microphone and come up to the front to ask a question, which is actually more of a statement? Yeah, there's a brief Q&A, and the mature age student is like, yeah, has a three-part question that only works if she explains her underlying philosophy of performance art,

which she is doing now, you moon them yeah i'll give them a cheeky little moon just to let them know phil just in the house this is real performance art girls welcome to the phil school of my own and so phil mooning the stage for reasons that make sense only to herself and perhaps once those that taught her. The performance comes to a close. And let's cut now to banknotes. So you've had a couple of hours by yourself to ready yourself for this private meeting,

which I imagine you've just sort of spent the time wandering around town. Well, I think I get to bring another person with me, don't I? You do get to. Yeah, I think I get to bring another person with me, don't I? You do get to. Yeah, I kind of thought you were going. I didn't think that all the dragon friends were going to make their way in. But yes, you did get to bring a plus one. I guess at this point I would need someone who would be able to convince Grundle to come back to the resistance.

So maybe during this time, if I've got a moment, I would go and get Lothario and then come back to the school with him. You can meet with Lothario. Absolutely come back to the school with him. You can meet with Lothario? Absolutely. He's in the Beggar's Court. Cool. I'll go to Lothario and then see if he'll come back with me. Lothario has private quarters in the Beggar's Court that he's been placed in by Janos Mir. As you come into them, you see a kind of threadbare room with a rather ornate, if dilapidated, four-poster bed. And he's lying on top of it with no shirt in short breeches,

and he's writing a poem. I knew you'd come. I knew you wouldn't find her to your liking. The turncoat. The viper. Lothario, look. I don't like you, and you don't like me. But I think you'd be useful.

I'm sort of indifferent to you, if I'm honest. I mean, now I don't like you. You've said that. You've said you don't. That's not a nice thing that anybody likes to hear, is it? Okay. Well, look, I like you. Well, I wouldn't go that far now.

Or I like you and you don't like me. Look, whoever likes who, it doesn't matter. I think there needs to be a sort of thread that we can... Anyway, yes. Okay, okay. No, don't start. Look, in scenario A. And then he finishes with...

I have in my hot little hands a ticket to meet Eleanor Grundle herself tonight. And I thought maybe you could come and help me beg her to come back here. You have a ticket to meet Eleanor Grundle? Yes. Why on... I won it by naming 15 dragons. Earth, would I want to meet that woman?

You won it on 15 Dragons. Is the idea of bribing someone... Sorry, I'm sorry, Ben. I really like this scene. But is the idea of bribing someone a game that you won? Yeah, in fact, I think everything's a game show. I entered a game show where I entered in 15 Dragons and the prize was whether it was a ticket to meet Eleanor Gondor.

I don't see that as a prize. You know what I see that as? I see that as... the opposite of a prize. Do you know who Eleanor Grandel was to the Resistance? Do you know what she did to us? I think she was the other one that wasn't you. Yes, and in that she wasn't me, she wasn't brave,

she wasn't loyal, she wasn't effective. She is a turncoat with her so-called school. When you say so-called, do you mean it's not like it's not registered with the government? It's not official? Oh, it's registered with the government, all right,

but I think you'll find there's a little more to it if you dig deeper. I have no interest in seeing that woman now or ever again. Good night. And he turns over and, like, puts the doona over his head. But by all means, he's told you to enjoy visiting her fake school. Okay, okay. So I guess Banknut's going to go back to the school then and try and meet up with the other dragon friends

and see who wants to come. Okay, so at the gates, you meet again with Ruddy Sweets, who is now wearing a tuxedo, it seems, after hours. Very strange. He's lost the felt cap and the little rugged clothes, and he's dressed quite formally as he looks at you and he says, invitation. Oh, yes.

Invitation, I think. Invitation. Oh, yes. I've got it right here, but it allows me to bring one other person, so can I keep half of it to get them in later? All right, well, that's a bit sad, but yeah. I mean, I've got to say, I've got to say,

I've never had that happen before. But imagine having a free ticket to this, the hottest night in Waterdeep and you can't give it away because people hate you that much. Oh, that was a misunderstanding. I thought someone would help me,

but they, look, okay, fine. I'll go by myself. It's fine. It's like going to watch a movie by yourself. It's totally normal. Well, I think it's a bit sad if you do that too, but you know. Okay, look, let me go get my friend Bastard then. Please.

All right, he gives you half of the ticket stub as you wander into the school, and he says, remember, through the kitchens knock on the doors at the cellars and say the password what was the password intellecto intellecto intellecto intellecto okay uh so uh yeah banknote's gonna go meet up with baston i think so you're gonna dodge the the way that he's told you and sneak upstairs? Well, I just need to get this half ticket to Bastogne. You don't need a partner, but you can...

No, you can, but just make a stealth check for me. Okay. No one's really looking. People don't expect you to have gotten past the gates. Oh, no, not good. Seven. Okay, you're trying to sneak upstairs and there's a cough behind you and you suddenly see Justine

Are we lost, sir? Are you lost? Are we lost? Have you been lost like a little lamb? No, I'm just getting my friend to come with me to the party Your husband? My husband Sorry, I'm used to

You call your husband your friend? Yes, I mean, a good marriage is friendship Wouldn't you say? It's built on friendship Yes I mean, you good marriage is friendship Wouldn't you say? It's built on friendship Yes I mean, you wouldn't know, you're not married And like you've got to tell me about marriage Come talk to me when you've been married

Well, your marriage ended in leaving your daughter at an orphanage So, so, so Okay, but that was mostly, look, I You can't tell her this, but that was mostly... Look, you can't tell her this, but that was mostly her fault. As you were. And she scuttles off. No, first of all, make for me quickly a deception check.

But I'll give you an advantage because you were so quickly to throw Filge under the water. Okay, I got an 8 and 11. So 19 in total? All 19 i rolled it i rolled it at deception is uh plus three so i got 14 uh 14 still fine so she says the dormitories are on the second floor the guest lecturer suites are there as well your your husband best friend you should find him inside um stay out of the third floor. It's none of your affair. And to be honest, there are guards there anyway. Good day.

I'm needed downstairs in the downstairs salon. And she leaves. Okay, so we're going to have a dragon huddle when we get up there. You knock on the doors and you see tastefully arranged if austere digs for the visiting guest lecturer. Okay, and Banknote's going to tell Bobby, this woman, she told me not to go on the third floor, so that's where you should go and check that out. Baston, you and I are going to go to meet Grundle and convince her to come back.

Grundle, yes, yes. And then I'll deliver my guest lecture to catch a knife. Knife catching in combat. Has Baston been practicing for the last three hours? Because let me tell you, Baston doesn't have proficiency in knife catching. Yeah, he does. He can catch knives. Oh, you're a fighter.

All right. I can do it. Calisthenics? Baston is devastated quietly that he wasn't asked to give an address. But I will come with you. All right. So what's the plan again so i understand uh he's uh banknote has told bobby that the that justine told them him not to go to the third floor which is like fucking catnip for lion shield banknote isn't it um so it's like you know maybe you should meet up with phil and maybe like you two can go up to

the third floor uh while banknote and baston are going to go to this party and talk to grundle and so as night shines through three glorious stories of the new school in an old house that is the grundle school for wayward ladies let us pause for a second and watch as two dragon friends head upstairs and two head below to under lock, to under lock. As I said, the secrets of a school that seems to be more than it proclaims. Greatness lies within. So it says, and it seems that there is greatness, great secrets, great mysteries and great women. But with a secret of course course perhaps because they are doing

their best and dave is too such is the way of those wayward orphans that keep this school good such is the way of those noble hearts that keep the resistance pure such is the way of water deep just trying to soldier on like dave making his way to the end of a spiel that he's improvising in isolation he hasn't talked to anyone for like two days he just sort of sits here by himself doing his little COVID-19 whatever the fuck and now he's trying to improvise an end of what was once a podcast called the dragon friends thank you the dragon friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and me, Eden Lacey. We're DM'd by Dave Harmon and Ben Jenkins does NPC Voices.

This one was recorded in our homes in the age of isolation and COVID-19. Shakira Khan produces and designs our website and the podcast is mixed and mastered by Hugh Guest with music this episode by Tom Carty. Bye. Now this is unrelated, but I was at our mutual friend Cale Bain's house and we were working on something. And there was his kid's Lego on the floor. And we heard his wife pull into the driveway. And we thought, I was like, he already had his shirt off because it was hot. And I was like, I'm going to take my shirt off too. And we both kind of like lounged in front of the lego and just played shirtless and i was like

i get it this is what i was like i was like this is what being gay is like you're just there with your husband you just play lego shirtless together i'm like i'm on that's not what being gay is like. Yeah, I'm going to snip snip on this one. I know. This digression requires a bit of a snip snip after the old podcast episode. Meanwhile, I'm going to say... Being gay is not being naked at someone else's husband. And playing Lego with them.

With your improvisational comedy comedy theater school co-director well hugh it's ultimately up to you if you cut this um yeah